- ♪ (QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Okay, guys.
Clearly, we're gonna have to control our thoughts in this world.
- (WITH RHOTACISM) Absowutewy. - Good idea.
BERT KIBBLER: (THINKING) This reminds me of a movie.
What was the name of that movie?
Bert, focus.
Um, sorry.
BERT: It had that girl in it.
The one who's married
to what's-his-name in real life.
Phoebe Cates.
Nope, not Phoebe Cates.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Boy, that was a good movie.
BARRY KRIPKE: Ah!
The pool scene where she takes her top off.
DENISE: So hot.
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
Sexuality exists on a continuum.
BARRY: True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum.
No, he's not. I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe.
- On his pouty wips. - ♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
BERT: Weird that Kripke's thoughts
have a speech impediment.
(SIGHS) Okay, okay. We have to figure out where we are
and what we need to do to get where it is we're supposed to go.
BERT: What Women Want. Mel Gibson.
Oh, Mel Gibson wasn't married to Phoebe Cates.
No, it's a movie with telepathy.
Like what's happening with us?
BARRY AND DENISE: Oh!
STUART BLOOM: I'm all alone.
- Go ahead, Stuart. - ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
Now, the instructions that came with the device are a message
from whoever's trying to help me.
BARRY: Wook at me, PhD from Stanford,
and I'm taking orders from a guy who wuns a comic book store.
You wanna be in charge, Kripke?
No, you're doing fine.
I'll just wait for you to fail, then make fun of you.
Thank you.
Now, according to this, the reason
we can't restore the prime universe
to its original state
is we're moving laterally, when we should be moving along
a fourth-dimensional axis.
- Time! - Time.
BERT: (TELEPATHICALLY) ♪ Keeps on slippin' Slippin', slippin' ♪
- ♪ Into the future ♪ - DENISE: ♪ Into the future ♪
You done?
- Sorry. - Sorry.
- ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - DENISE: Look at my man taking charge.
STUART: Look at Denise looking at me taking charge.
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ - All wight, boss man, how do we accomplish this?
So the Leonard-Sheldon thingy was never completed.
- It needs a steering wheel. - A steering wheel?
Not literally, but some kind of control mechanism
to get us back to the time and place
before everything went to hell.
Too bad Wadioshack went out of business.
BERT: (CHUCKLES TELEPATHICALLY) "Wadioshack."
- Hey! - Sorry.
It's hard to not think.
It's like you tell somebody, don't think of a pink elephant.
ALL: (OVERLAPPING) Pink elephant?
BERT: See?
Kripke, where can we find something like this?
- ♪ (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - DENISE: I think I can get past the weak chin.
I want his children.
STUART: Seriously?
DENISE: I wouldn't think it if I didn't mean it.
- Aw. - ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
BARRY: I see what to do here.
- ♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - We can jewwy-wig something out of a satewwite controwwer.
Mm. Where do we find a satellite controller?
That's easy. Engineering department at Caltech.
Great, then that's where we're going.
BARRY: "Great, and that's where we're going."
- Real mature. - BARRY: "Weal mature."
STUART: Asshole.
♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
♪ Stuart tries To reset our lives ♪
♪ But he fails To save the universe ♪
♪ He's our only chance And he tries and he tries ♪
♪ But he fails To save the universe ♪
♪ Stuart fails ♪
♪ (CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪
♪ Stuart fails ♪
♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ (QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
How can I help you?
We're here to see Howard Wolowitz.
He's an aerospace engineer.
One moment.
- ♪ (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - BARRY: You smell just like my mother. (SNIFFS)
I'm sorry?
BARRY: You heard me.
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ - Please stop thinking.
(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING)
I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.
- Are you sure? - I'll check again.
- (KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING) - I'm not really checking again.
- Just trying to be polite. - Huh.
Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.
Could you give us a minute?
No problem. I'll be here.
Until I drop dead because I married a drummer,
and this is the only way we have health insurance.
How can Howard not be here?
Maybe he doesn't exist in this universe.
She's right. I can't find Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Well, keep looking.
BARRY: Man.
I'd wike to take her home, wip her cwothes off
and finish prematurely, then cwy wike a baby
when she gets in a cab and weaves.
Ew.
Nope. No Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
STUART: Well, we're screwed.
Well, we're screwed.
DENISE: Honey, we heard you.
Honey, we heard you.
Hang on. I found Bernadette Rostenkowski.
Maybe she knows something.
- Worth a shot. - (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
- ♪ (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Hey.
Hi.
BARRY: How'd you wike to be, uh, disappointed?
♪ (PLEASANT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
What is wrong with you girls? Come on, pick up your feet.
You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
REBECCA: Die, bitch, die.
You think about your mother with that mind?
I guess she's not a microbiologist
in this universe.
BARRY: Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
- Barry, really? - I think 'em wike I see 'em.
All right, take five, drink some juice,
drink some vodka. I don't care.
Can I help you?
You don't know us?
Were we in rehab together? 'Cause a lot of that's a blur.
You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?
That's my maiden name.
My married name is Bernadette Asshole.
Does Mr. Asshole
possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?
Who?
He's an engineer, wooks wike a garden gnome
with a Beatles haircut.
Does he sell coke on the side?
- (SIGHS) - No.
- Then I don't know him. - BERT: What happened to you?
I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch.
I had an alcoholic mother try to live out her dreams
by dressing me up, shoving me in beauty pageants,
feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny,
all so I could become Miss California Quiznos 1999.
- DENISE: Aw. - STUART: Sad.
BERT: Quiznos. Yum.
Here I am, teaching pampered little maggots how to tap,
which is pointless,
since the only dancing they're ever gonna do
is on the pole.
- STUDENT 1: Oh, no. - STUDENT 2: What?
- STUDENT 3: Mommy. - Ah, shut your brain holes.
We're sorry to have wasted your time.
BERNADETTE ASSHOLE: Wouldn't be a waste of time if you killed me.
Have a great day.
All right, future eating disorders,
let's get back to work.
- ♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - (BARRY CHEWING)
You know, in a telepathic world,
you can talk with your mouth full.
- Tewwific. - Check it out.
(MUNCHING) In a telepathic world,
you can talk with your mouth full.
BARRY: Yeah, I get it.
- Hey. - BARRY: Where you guys been?
We need to figure out a way into Caltech.
Sorry, we were having sex.
Stuart.
I was going to think it anyway.
BARRY: I don't need to hear any more.
- ♪ (GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - STUART: It was incredible. I knew everything she wanted.
DENISE: It was great. No questions, no apologies.
STUART: You wouldn't believe what I finally found.
DENISE: Yeah, you did.
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ - So what's the plan?
It's simple. We break into the engineering department
and steal the components.
- Simple, my ass. We can't break in. - ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
STUART: And even if we could, we don't know what we're looking for.
And even if we knew,
we don't know how to put it together.
And let's say we put it together,
we don't know how to operate it.
And even if we figure out how to get in,
what we're looking for, how to put it together,
and how to operate it, we don't know where we're going!
♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
Any questions?
No, I think we're good.
(SLURPS)
How wong are we gonna keep doing this?
There is no trickewy in a world with tewepathy.
There's gotta be a way.
Bert, think of a card.
BERT: Three of Clubs.
Thwee of Cwubs.
Let me try again.
Jack of Hearts?
Bert, stop.
Obviously, we need to find a way to shield our thoughts.
Like Magneto's helmet.
BARRY: Oh my God, more of your comic book shit.
Somebody kill me.
STUART: Oh, I'd love to.
- DENISE: I wish I could. - BERT: I'll hold him down.
Wow. Very nice. Shame on you.
I don't mean literally Magneto's helmet,
but some kind of telepathy blocker.
Why don't we meditate?
You know, "Quiet the monkey mind."
- Worth a try. - Okay. Great.
- I'm game. - Why not?
(DENISE SIGHS)
Everybody close your eyes and follow your breath.
In...
- Out. - ♪ (TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DENISE: This is dumb. I can't do this.
- Two yoga classes and, suddenly, I'm Deepak Chopra... - (OVERLAPPING THOUGHTS)
STUART: I haven't had a good bowel movement
since the cow world.
All this universe hopping can't be good for my digestion.
It's basically travel, and that's always rough...
BERT: I had chili on a hot dog, and I thought,
"This is crazy." But it's not crazy
'cause it's good.
BARRY: Wike, I know I'm not my thoughts,
and I know my basic nature is wove,
and I wove the winen pants with the dwawstwing...
DENISE: ...damn spot. Lady Macbeth. Lady and the Tramp.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am trying not to fart.
- Breathing in... - STUART: And...
- BERT: My dad used to own a Datsun... - STUART: "Fee-fi-fo-fum.
I smell the blood of an Englishman." Where did that come from?
DENISE: Am I being charged for it?
BARRY: Oh, shit. I forgot to pick up my dwy cweaning.
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪ - All right, let's put a pin in meditating. What else we got?
♪ (QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
BARRY: I don't think this is gonna work.
You got a better way to block our thoughts?
I didn't think so.
(QUIETLY) One, two, three.
ALL: (TELEPATHICALLY) ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
♪ Oh, I swear Well, he means ♪
♪ Ah, come on Let's take off everything... ♪
We were listening to it in the car. (CHUCKLES)
Real earworm.
Oh, I get those all the time. (CHUCKLES)
(TELEPATHICALLY) ♪ Dust in the wind ♪
♪ All we are Is dust in the wind ♪
How can I help you?
I'm sure you remember we were here the other day.
MS. NOWITZKI: I'm on so much medication,
I don't remember anything.
Yes, of course. Nice to see you again.
Mm. Anyway, uh, David Saltzberg over at UCLA asked us
to bring this over to the engineering lab.
Up the stairs, down the hall.
Thank you.
ALL: (TELEPATHICALLY) ♪ Toora, loora, toora Loo-rye-aye ♪
♪ Eileen I'll hum this tune forever ♪
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Engineering wab should be down this hall.
You have any idea what we're looking for?
Your basic variable impedance controwwer circuit.
I am so full of shit.
STUART: Quick, sing something.
BARRY: (TELEPATHICALLY) ♪ Tall and tan and young... ♪
BERT AND DENISE: (JOINING IN) ♪ Young and lovely The girl from Ipanema ♪
- ♪ Goes walking and when... ♪ - STUART: That's enough.
ALL: What the fuck?
We gotta go.
♪ (SKA-PUNK COVER OF "COME ON EILEEN" BY SAVE FERRIS PLAYING) ♪
Catch their swipstream.
(ALL SCREAMING)
♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
- Get out of the way! - (GROANS, YELLS)
- ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪ - (GROANS)
(GROANS)
- Hey, hey! - ♪ Toorah, loora ♪
- Can we talk about this? (SCREAMS) - ♪ Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪
(OVERLAPPING CLAMOR)
♪ Eileen I'll hum this tune forever ♪
♪ Toora, loora ♪
- Ooh, yum! - ♪ Toora, loo-rye-aye ♪
- ♪ (SONG CUTS OFF) ♪ - (ALL GROAN)
♪ (QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Who are you? - Who are you?
- Oh, hang on. - One sec.
- Continue. - Okay.
♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
BOTH: Who are you?
I asked first.
All right, go ahead.
This is gonna take a while.
Yeah.
♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Are you the me that came to me in the comic book store?
I thought you were the me
that came to me in the comic book store.
All wight, all wight. Before we go any further,
I just want to point out,
you, sir, are one handsome bwoke.
Right back at you.
We don't have time for this.
We're on a mission to save the universe.
Oh, who isn't?
An alternate version of me told me
that I'm the only one who can fix things.
Well, he lied, 'cause ta-da!
We have the device.
So do we.
Well, this is a pickle.
The way I see it,
there's a couple of possibilities.
Lay it on me, my brother.
The Stuart from the other universe
didn't trust the first Stuart,
so he also sent a Stuart
from another universe on the same mission
as a failsafe.
That's clever.
- Or... - Enough talk!
Every minute we waste arguing,
the fabric of reality is at risk of collapse!
(COSMIC WARBLING)
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Get the device.
Don't make this difficult.
What did you do?
I'm not gonna mess with that guy? (GRUNTS)
We gotta follow him.
- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - Now what?
I could eat.
- (CHEWING) - ♪ ("MR. BLUE SKY" BY ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA PLAYING) ♪
- ♪ Sun is shining In the sky... ♪ - (INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
(SOLDIER YELLS, GROANS)
- (SCREAMS) - No, thank you.
Hit the switch! Hit the switch!
♪ And don't you know ♪
- Here we go! - ♪ It's a beautiful new day ♪
- ♪ (SONG ENDS) ♪ - (SIGHS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
- Oh, no. - ♪ (BROODING WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I think you mean, "Oh... (IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING)
Huh.
Hey. Hey.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ ("BROKEN HORSES" BY BRANDI CARLILE PLAYING) ♪
♪ Only broken horses know ♪
♪ To run ♪
♪ Tethered in wide open spaces ♪
♪ In fields That lead for miles ♪
♪ Right into the barrel of ♪
♪ A gun ♪
♪ Mendin' up Your fences with my ♪
♪ Horses running wild ♪
♪ Only broken horses know ♪
♪ To run ♪
♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪