Oh, I'm so sorry, Peter.
He's so excited about what you've got in those bin bags.
My fish died, hence the smell.
Oh, how awful!
How?
Pfft, I don't know.
Aw, I'm terribly sorry.
Come on, mister.
Hey, mate. Hey.
Hey, you, er, you weren't at
a building supplies place in Sheepscar yesterday, were you?
Where? Roseville Road.
God, no. All day in the office, sadly.
Oh, I could have sworn it, was you?
Certainly looked like a couple of traffic cops.
Did you get their numbers?
No.
You got some big scoop?
Might do, yeah.
Can't say yet, but it'll be a corker if I can pull it off.
Nice, good luck.
Anything I can do to help?
Actually, if I wanted to check someone's criminal record,
but there was nothing on file...
Well, like who?
Local businessman, for example?
I'd lose my job if I did something like that, sorry.
Of course, yeah.
Oh, well, no worries. Have a good day.
Miss Greenwood?
I am so sorry. Can you repeat that?
Hope that was a nice daydream you were having?
I was just asking, are you happy with the new after-school rota?
Absolutely.
What the hell was in that van?
Diamonds.
Diamonds? You didn't want to know, Danny. Don't give me that.
What? From where?
South Africa, I guess. I don't know.
Trafficked illegally? Well, obviously, Danny.
He's hardly likely to just declare 'em to Customs, is he?
You going to the car. No, I'm off home now.
You sold this to me as a piece of cake.
We both could have been killed.
My son could have ended up without a father.
I'm sorry.
We're both in one piece, aren't we? Safe and sound now.
What about CCTV? We'll be all over it.
Don't worry about that, leave that to me.
The issue here, Dan, is we're in serious shit with Spencer.
I don't want to hear it.
Danny! Dan!
Fuck's sake.
Find a point of focus and breathe.
You can leave that there.
I will go to whatever class I want.
Fucking creep.
So, what we do is, put the support brackets at the bottom,
here, all the way up, and away you go, up to the heavens.
Is it not tricky with the turns?
Oh, no, love, we do these all the time
and I've got you down for this Saturday, that still good? Yes.
Right. We'll have you exploring upstairs,
before you know it.
Right then, see you Saturday.
Thanks very much, I'll see you then.
Animal Minds, raising awareness for
the mental health of pets?
We are living through an epidemic of dog depression, apparently.
Wow, wow, wow.
Who says local journalism is dead, huh?
Yeah, all right, don't rub it in.
Well, how about a real story?
Cos your Dr Watson has some brand new information.
Go on.
Firstly, this is Colossus Building Supplies' turnover
for last year.
You've seen the place, it's not that special.
Bloody hell, that's huge.
Mm-hm. Wait, no, that's nothing compared to this.
Apparently,
our fictitious Eddie Smallwood has accounts in the Cayman Islands.
Even though he's a figment of Robbie Spencer's imagination?
Look at all those zeros.
That would make him the richest man in Leeds, if he existed.
Who makes that much money on the local property development market?
Feels like this story's a whole lot bigger than
a bit of council corruption. Mm-hm.
Hello!
Hey! I might have an offer that you can't refuse.
What are you kids doing this weekend?
Not a lot.
OK, well,
I've been offered a two-bedroom suite at Forefield Hall Spa
for free.
Forefield Hall? Mm-hm.
Are you serious? What? Do you fancy it?
Yeah. Wow. I mean,
I'd need to check with Pete, but I can't see why not.
Great. Promise to behave myself.
Don't do that.
You let me know when you've spoken to him.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Great.
How's it looking?
Yeah, see?
Fake number plates, and we're totally unrecognisable.
We're good, mate.
All right, well, then that's me out.
No, Danny, it doesn't work like that.
I've told you, we've got to go and see him... No. ..pronto. No.
You recruited me. You deal with it.
I want nothing more to do with him.
Cup of awful dreck?
Why not, it'll stave off
the existential angst for ten minutes.
Oh, you'll never guess whose place I was at last night?
The throuple.
Oh! So, is it always just the three of them?
Well, in the relationship, yeah, but you know,
they can play with others.
They ever ask you?
Oh, God, yeah, all the time.
And you've never...?
No. Have you ever?
No.
Why are you asking me these questions?
I don't know. I guess I'm just an old fuddy-duddy,
trying to figure out how the world works these days.
Mm-hm. Well, no, I haven't, but you know,
it doesn't mean I wouldn't.
You only live once, right?
Hi, Yvonne, how are you?
Bit of a weird one with your next class.
Erm, literally half the class cancelled, last minute.
Right. Erm, well, I mean, it looks like all the school mums
so, maybe there was an event or something that I missed.
That makes sense.
OK.
Hi, guys!
So, we are a little depleted this week,
but good news is,
that just means more one-on-one attention from me.
I want to come in this time.
You can't just rock up, whenever you feel like it.
Can't you see I'm genuine, Lena?
Please, it's time I met him.
Ethan?
Ethan...
..this is Danny.
Hi.
I, er... I, er...
I'm your dad.
Ah, rude.
What are you saying?
I said, you're rubbish at signing.
Oh. I'd like you to teach me.
Does that mean I'm going to start seeing you now?
Would you like that?
I guess.
Mum says you're a policeman.
That's right.
Caught any evil criminals?
Oh, plenty.
Cool.
I was hoping you and I could go out together
next time I come over.
Yeah, let's just see how we're going.
It's a lot for him to take in.
I can lip-read, you know?
Oh, there you are!
Me and Miss painted a dancer together all day.
Oh, I think Miss Greenwood would like a rest now.
No, not at all.
All she talks about is Miss Greenwood.
Obsessed, aren't you?
I haven't seen you, since...
I just want to say, how sorry I am.
Thank you.
Right, come on.
Bye, Miss Greenwood. Bye.
Mum! Mum!
Hello.
Got picked for the football team.
Yes, of course you did. Well done.
Mum? Yeah? What's a whore?
Olly, who said that to you?
Mm, they didn't. Just heard.
OK, well, that's a very disrespectful word
that people say about women,
and you are never to use it. Do you understand?
OK.
Seems like a sweet kid.
Danny, let's get a few things clear.
If you swan in here like some kind of saviour,
and then just fuck off again the moment things get tough,
you will destroy that boy.
I'm here now, for good.
You have my word.
Fine...
..so, tell your family.
Yeah, not now.
Why not?
Scared she'll leave you? No, leave Becka out of it.
Embarrassed cos of how we met?
Worried you might lose your job if your bosses found out?
I need him in your life properly.
He has a brother, for Christ's sake.
Don't you think that they should meet?
She's going to find out anyway, Danny,
so just get it out in the open.
I've told you, I need time.
Look, I've got to go, but...
..I'll be back next week.
Take him out for a day, OK?
OK.
I mean, where the hell is he picking up words like that?
Oh, come on, he didn't know what it meant.
Yeah.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just fed up
of well-meaning mums telling me how sorry they are.
People really need to mind their own business.
You know, I've wanted to be a mum since I was young, Becks.
What if it doesn't happen?
You don't know that it won't.
Did you find it easy?
We weren't trying, it just sort of happened.
I mean, we weren't exactly being careful.
You must have been open to the possibility, then.
Well, it's more that we were young and reckless.
Well, it all worked out OK.
Yeah.
I mean, this isn't necessarily the life that I would have chosen.
What do you mean?
Well, there's a world where we'd still be travelling
and having wild adventures.
I know you can't do that forever.
Sorry, I don't mean to be moaning.
I have an awful lot to be grateful for.
No, don't be daft.
We always want what we don't have.
Didn't you think to ask me first?
I'm asking you now.
You've already told her we're going.
OK, so, I'll call her and say, "Thanks, but no,
"we don't want to come on a free luxury spa weekend".
I just... What?
..I just feel like we're spending all our free time with them.
What is your problem with them?
I don't have a problem, they're perfectly nice. It's not...
Well, good, then get over yourself.
We'll just go and have a fun weekend.
Babe, can...
..can I just say something?
I feel, I feel like you're a million miles away from me half the time.
I'm fine.
And we have been through something really tough.
Yeah, and now we're moving on from it.
I'm just trying to make you happy.
This will make me happy.
OK, if that's what you want.
As long as it's just,
you know, a normal weekend.
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, come on, you must have thought it.
Why don't you just stop worrying?
We'll just go and have a nice time.
Olly, I said turn it off five minutes ago.
Just one more minute.
Now.
Well, if the stupid controller worked properly,
then I would.
Dad, I hadn't finished.
Do you know how lucky you are to have all this stuff?
Do you?
There was no need for that.
Doesn't respect me.
Oh, bollocks, he hangs on your every word.
You've been in a shitty mood since you got in.
What's going on?
Nothing.
Listen,
you and I are gonna go away
and have a lovely weekend together.
Yeah...
Yeah, all right.
Sh, sh, sh... Danny! Sorry.
Sorry, I thought you saw me.
I thought someone was being attacked.
Yeah, I know, me too.
It's just some foxes mating.
Oh, it's not?
Ugh.
They don't sound like they're having a very nice time.
No, but who are we to judge?
Exactly, we all do it.
Just not in a bush at two in the morning.
Hm.
Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow at the hotel.
What? What are you guys coming?
Wait, did Becka not tell you?
No, no, no... What?
..probably wanted to surprise me.
Oh.
I hope it's a nice surprise.
Goodnight.
Becka, this place looks incredible.
They gave you all this for free?
Yeah. Amazing, what 30,000 followers can get you these days.
Whoa!
Didn't know we were friends with such a VIP.
Oh, hardly. No, I just persuaded
a bunch of yoga mums to cough up for a weekend here.
Well, here's to the yoga mums and their disposable income.
Mm-hm, and Danny's mum for child care.
Oh, I'll definitely drink to that. Cheers.
Cheers. Cheers.
You have so many followers. How do you keep on top of it?
I just post a few things here and there.
I don't even read the comments.
Yeah, but ask her how long she takes setting up for each shot.
Yeah, OK. Well, the phone is down this weekend,
and I'm living in the moment... Mm.
..speaking of which, itineraries.
So, Evie and I have a facial at two,
followed by a sauna and steam room.
Oh.
..and you both have massages.
Nice. Oh! Sorry, Pete has a massage? Mm-hm.
Er, well, first time for everything.
That's the spirit.
So, which room shall we have?
Ladies' choice.
All right.
All done, and ready for lift off.
Ah, this is gonna be life-changing.
Well, that's what we're here for.
Thank you so much. OK.
So, what's this big story you're investigating?
Oh, it's pretty boring, really.
You know, I've genuinely never had a massage before.
Seriously?
You must have.
You and your lovely lady need to live a little.
As you keep telling me. Mm.
Go on then, enlighten me, massage king.
Hm-mm, it's simple.
Just be clear if they're being too rough or too soft,
then just lie back and drift off.
Oh, and get ready to activate the naked granny card,
if the masseuse is ridiculously hot.
What?
Well, you don't want any embarrassing-arousal situations
if you're facing upwards.
So, think of the least arousing thing you can muster,
such as your granny naked. Ah, come on.
Yeah.
Hi, guys. I'm Mel, this is Siobhan.
So, you're down for the full body massage today, is that right?
Yeah.
OK.
Looks like you're gonna need the full granny activation.
Mm.
Oh, I can't believe this is a freebie.
I'm so glad that we could do this. It's my way of saying thank you.
For what?
For livening up a very boring cul-de-sac.
Me? You're the one livening things up.
I feel very boring.
Right, come on, this, this set up that you've got with Danny.
I'm fascinated, I've got so many questions.
What do you want to know?
Do you get jealous, when he's with another woman?
No, no, it's an act of trust.
We have very open, honest conversations,
and we discuss the rules.
I find it really liberating.
I know that he trusts me, and I trust him.
It's amazing, wow.
So, if...
If?
If we wanted...
If you wanted to try it yourself?
With us?
Yeah.
OK, well, I think the first thing I would ask is why?
Why you think you might like to?
Because I just...
it sounds really fun and exciting and, well, forbidden.
Yeah.
What about Pete, though?
I get the impression it might not be his thing.
We've spoken about it. Huh? Mm-hm.
To be honest, I actually think it could be what we need.
Hm-mm.
Oh! Oh, here they are.
How, was it? How was the massage?
Oh, my God, it was amazing.
What? No way. Yeah.
How many times have I told you to get one?
Mm, well, I'm a new man. I'm all about the relaxation.
It had absolutely nothing to do with
the insane hotness of the masseuse.
Ah, I see. Oh! Mmm. Oh, I see. Well...
Alan?
What's all that?
Did you not even notice the engineer?
Well, I've been, I've been caught up with something.
Yeah, well, it's done.
I can come back upstairs.
Right, well.
That's wonderful news, Jean, really.
Well, I feel like we've got something to celebrate,
I've done you something nice, and, I thought afterwards,
maybe we could go upstairs together.
Well, that sounds very lovely. It's just, er...
I'm still working.
I've just got to pop out and see a client.
Do you remember when we used to live together,
before we were married,
and your mother was furious cos we were living in sin?
Every day, before you went to work,
you used to leave me
a little note somewhere different in the house.
It would say I love you or I miss you.
I can't wait to see you.
I found one of those notes the other day, in a book.
It said, "You're the only one for me."
I thought you'd be happy for us.
You know, the chance to be able to share a bed together again.
I am.
I really am, Jean.
Look, I've just got to pop out.
I won't be long. I'll be, I'll be back soon.
You had no intention of telling me you'd invited
the neighbours, did you?
I am sure that I told you.
Hm-mm.
Becka Whitwell, you are a bad girl.
I know, I know, I'm a fucking nightmare.
Oh, there he is, ready for action.
Why don't we save it for later, with our friends?
Babe, I told you this before.
I think it's extremely risky.
Our rule is, always...
Yeah, but I've got a good feeling.
It feels different.
Come on, let's just mix things up a little.
You're making assumptions about what they want.
Mm-mm, nope, she just explicitly told me that they're both up for it.
What she actually said that?
Mm-hm.
I don't know about it.
Well, I know how much you want her.
The rules are there, because...
Danny, fuck the rules.
Come on, we're strong enough.
Let's show our friends the ropes.
Where's that wild side?
Mm, mm, OK.
Yeah, I want her,
I really want her.
Mm, do you want him? Mm-hm.
I like the way he looks at me,
when he's trying so hard not to look at me,
so innocent.
You know I love to corrupt the innocent. Mm.
We said no friends...
Mm.
..but... Mm.
I could get used to this.
Are you having fun?
Of course.
But?
It's all a bit weird.
Oh, come off it, Petey. In what way?
I don't know.
Yes, you do. I know exactly what you're thinking,
you might as well just say it. OK.
Do you think we've been lured here to be corrupted?
I think we're both adults,
and I think we can take care of ourselves.
Mm, nice way to avoid answering the question.
What if something did happen?
What are you saying?
I'm just asking.
Becka's hot, you haven't got a pulse if you don't think that.
Well, yeah, duh, of course she is.
I think she likes you.
Don't think I haven't noticed the way you look at Danny.
Do you find that threatening, or arousing?
Just for the record, I think it'd be pretty hot.
What are we even talking about?
This is totally insane.
Yoo-hoo, Alan!
Oh, I think they're away for the weekend.
They went with that nice couple from number 49.
Are they a musician? Yes.
No. Yes. Yes.
No? Yes! No.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Yes? Yes. You have to know.
OK, am I alive?
No. Oh!
You've got to drink.
Yeah, mmm.
Argh.
Oh, is it David Bowie? No.
Erm... No, drink...
sorry.
Right. Oh, is it Prince? Is it Prince?
No.
I'm going to be wasted before I get this.
You already are.
Oh, sh...
Dammit.
I'll get it. Try.
OK, I'll get the window.
Yeah, get the window.
Someone get it. Turn off the music.
Oh, God.
Everything OK, sir?
Yeah, fine, fine. Yeah, yeah, my, er,
my, my wife lit a candle, but it's out now.
Yes, sorry. Really sorry.
Can we just remind guests,
it's a strictly no-smoking establishment?
Of course. Yes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
Good evening, sir. Yeah, yeah.
Whoops.
Oh, that's bad!
Who even was I?
Oh, my God. Pete! Pete!
Seriously, who? Really?
George Michael.
Oh, dear.
I like George Michael as well.
Mm.
Thank you.
Come here.
Wait, wait, wait.
I really want this, I'm just...
..suddenly, really nervous.
Why don't I go first, then?
Take a good look...
..you're allowed.
I want you.
I really want you.
I can't, I just...
I can't.
I'm sorry.
Shit! What?
Shit, I think the condom broke.
Don't worry, I'm on the pill, so...
You sure? ..just don't stop.
Argh!
Oh, my God.
Argh!
I shouldn't have done that.
I told you, it's fine.
Are you absolutely sure?
Yeah.
Hm.
Come here.
Mm, mm.