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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[♪ theme music playing]

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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan!

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[audience cheering]

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Thank you! Thank you, Tampa!

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Thank you.

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Thank you, Tampa.

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America's next great city!

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[audience cheers]

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All right.

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It is so great to be here.

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[scoffs] Who am I kidding?
I don't need this.

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Right? I...

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Let me take it off.

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Okay. Here we go.

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[laughter]

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[grunts]

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[audience cheers]

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All right, here it comes...

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I'm sure that's why some of you are here.

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[laughter]

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Now, before you think I'm all paranoid,

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the only reason I'm wearing this
is because I have COVID.

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[coughs]

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And by the end of the show,
so will most of these people.

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[coughs]

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How many of you got COVID?

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Did you get COVID?

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-Did you get--?
-[audience cheering]

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That's 'cause you're filthy!

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And God doesn't love you.

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[laughter]

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No, I got COVID.
God, when was that?

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That was, uh, this afternoon.

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[laughter]

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But I prayed it away.

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[laughter]

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I do not have COVID.

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Actually, I was just tested.

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I took one of those online tests.

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[laughter]

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Sent 'em an empath,

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and I have monkey pox.

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[laughter]

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Monkeypox kind of sounds
like a kid's cereal.

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It's like, "What's the prize inside?"

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Sex with men.

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[laughter]

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What a weird couple of years we've had.

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My God!

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Lockdowns, mandates, variants.

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But it feels like we've finally gotten
to the point where we don't care.

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[laughter]

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Right?

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Remember what we used to care?

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[scattered applause]

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I mean, obviously, we care,
but we used to be concerned.

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We were like, "Hundreds
of people have died today,"

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and now we're like, "Hundreds
of people have died today.

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Let's go to a comedy show."

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[laughter]

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Right?

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[cheers and applause]

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For two years, for two years,

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the news was like the death lottery.

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We sat at home watching,
like it was Powerball.

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Here's tonight's numbers.

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[high-pitched voice]
"Honey, get out here.

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It's about to reach two million!

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Honey?"

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[comical voice]
"Some of his jokes were sad."

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I'm sure you're all vaccinated
or gonna die.

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[laughter]

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We all know some anti-vaxxers,

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and some of us
used to know an anti-vaxxer.

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[laughter]

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Strange how that's funny, right?

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You're like,
"Ha ha, they died! Ha ha ha!"

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There was a shift in our empathy
during the pandemic.

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I think it was those anti-vax preachers.

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Remember reading
about them, you're like,

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"'Anti-vax preacher
dies of COVID.' Good."

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I can say that 'cause I'm a Christian.

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[laughter]

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People make their own decisions.

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We had no control over it.

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My parents, my parents aren't vaccinated.

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I mean, they've been dead
for a couple decades, but...

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[laughter]

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Enough with the excuses, right?

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The pandemic did make me
contemplate my mortality.

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I just know when I go,
I want it over quick.

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Like if I'm in a plane crash,
I want the plane to explode mid-air.

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I was reading about this one plane crash.

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This plane was flying
at 30,000 feet, 30,000 feet,

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and then it started a nosedive.

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The plane nosedived for three minutes.

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Three minutes!

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Brutal!

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That's a long time!

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You know, for the first minute,
everyone on that plane was like,

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[screaming]

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But eventually...

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[laughter]

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after like 60 seconds,
they were like...

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[screaming, then slowing down]

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[laughter]

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"Does anyone have any water?

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[laughter]

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I didn't really pace out
my dying scream."

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Three minutes. That's a long time.

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You know someone on that plane
rang the flight attendant button.

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[laughter]

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Ding! "Do you know
how long till we crash?

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[laughter]

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Does this mean I can get a free drink?

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That's long enough for passengers
to get on each other's nerves.

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"When you scream,
can you not grab my armrest?"

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Look, I'll kill you
before we even crash."

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Maybe the pilot came over the intercom.

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"Hey, everyone, it's your captain here.

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"Just wanted to thank you
for choosing to fly with us.

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Special shout out
to our Silver Medallion members.

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[laughter]

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"You would have earned
2,000 miles on today's flight,

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but it looks like we're not going
to quite reach 700.

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[laughter]

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Our flight attendant Betty
has been with the airline

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for 31 years, and it appears
today is her last day.

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[laughter]

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You can go ahead and take
your phone off of airplane mode.

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[laughter]

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Heck, I've taken the plane
off of airplane mode.

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[laughter]

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At this point, we're just a metal box
hurling towards the earth.

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We should have you back on the ground
in about seven seconds."

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Is that too dark?
It's gonna get worse.

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Right?

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[cheers and applause]

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'Cause that was the lesson
of the pandemic.

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It's inevitable.
Eventually we're all gonna go.

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Don't worry, not all
my material's this uplifting.

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But we're all gonna go,

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and then our loved ones
will do our funeral.

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That's harsh, right?

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The people closest to the deceased
are put in charge.

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It's like, "We know you're
in a very vulnerable state,

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but time to host a party."

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[laughter]

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They're in shock.

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Everyone at a funeral's in shock.

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If you're not a little surprised
at a funeral, you're the murderer.

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[laughter]

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"It was so unexpected."

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"Not for me."

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People are caught
off guard at a funeral.

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But I want my funeral
to be a total surprise.

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Like when I die,
I don't want anyone to be told.

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I just want evites to go out to friends.

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"Last-minute party.
Come on over, big announcement."

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And then when my friends
arrive, "Jim's dead."

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[shudders]

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"Is there anything I can do?"

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"Come look at the body."

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'Cause that's essentially
what happens at funerals.

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"Come look at the dead body."

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"I'll take your word for it.

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What is this, Weekend at Bernie's?"

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[laughter]

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Have you been
to an open-casket funeral?

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"His memory will live on...
in my nightmares."

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[laughter]

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At Catholic funerals,
you're supposed to kneel

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next to the casket and say a prayer.

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That prayer goes like this:

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"One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi...

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[laughter]

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It's got to be long enough."

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[applause]

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'Cause the body
looks weird in the casket.

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It does. They're always overdressed.

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We put men in business suits.

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What, do they have an interview?

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[laughter]

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Dress for the afterlife you want.

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People usually say,
"He looks like he's resting."

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"Or he passed out
at an office Christmas party.

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Why is he wearing a tie?"

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If you want me to rest in peace,
bury me in pajamas.

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[laughter]

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In preparation for the funeral,
we put makeup on the dead body.

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"When did Grandpa start wearing eyeliner?"

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There's special funeral makeup.

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You never see commercials for that makeup.

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"Maybe that corpse is still alive...

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or maybe it's Maybelline.

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[laughter]

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For when you want
to look drop-dead gorgeous."

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[laughter]

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That's someone's job, to put
makeup on a dead person's face.

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That couldn't have been the goal.

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Somehow the dream of
"I want to work in fashion"

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became "I'll put blush on the corpse."

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[laughter]

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It is an art form. It's impressive.

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I'm surprised there's not a reality show.

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Pimp My Corpse.

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[laughter]

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I have my own idea
for a reality show.

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I think it's a winner.
Let me pitch it to you.

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My show would open
with two identical bodies

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lying next to each other.

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One of the bodies would be dead.

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The other, cake.

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Right? This show's called
Dead or Cake.

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And then a loved one
would be given a cake knife.

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"Susie loved her grandma,
but how well did she know her?

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Will she cut into the delicious
red velvet cake,

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or her nana?

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[laughter]

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Let's find out.

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Susie, You may cut the--
Oh, Susie."

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[laughter]

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This is usually the point when people ask,

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"Well, when's he going
to do the food jokes?

227
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I thought he was gonna--"

228
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"Dead or Cake is a food joke."

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Funerals are weird.

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Open casket, closed casket.

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I want to be sitting up in my casket.

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You know, just sitting there.

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[laughter]

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Eyes open.

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I'd like to be positioned
near the doorway,

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so when people
enter the room, they're like,

237
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"What the hell?"

238
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[laughter]

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I'd rig it so occasionally
my hand would go up.

240
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I'd definitely want there
to be crumbs on my chest.

241
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"Did he eat recently?"

242
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I'd pre-record an announcement:

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"Thanks for coming to my funeral.

244
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Don't be sad. I'm in a better place.

245
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Just kidding. I'm right here."

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[laughter]

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And then I don't know
if this is in poor taste,

248
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but at that moment,
I'd like my body to burst into flames.

249
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I want to be cremated, but at my funeral.

250
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You know, something for everyone,
a little surf and turf.

251
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We've all been to funerals.
We've all lost someone.

252
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Still had their number in our phone.

253
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You just can't bring yourself
to delete it,

254
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,862
but they're never gonna call.

255
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It would be weird if they did.

256
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,658
"Grandma?"

257
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:01,203
"Stop looking
at that filth on the Internet."

258
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,288
[laughter]

259
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,457
We lost my aunt several years ago,

260
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:08,293
and eventually someone else
was assigned her phone number,

261
00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:11,755
and we know that because my aunt
was part of our family text chain.

262
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,841
And at one point, a random guy
chimed in, kind of annoyed,

263
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,760
"Why am I part of this text chain?"

264
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,055
So I responded
the only way I could, I said,

265
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:21,973
"'Cause you're my aunt
and we love you."

266
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:25,143
And he was like,
"Bro, I'm not your aunt."

267
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:27,270
And I was like,
"You haven't changed a bit.

268
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,356
[laughter]

269
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,691
What a character, right?"

270
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:36,905
Each culture has their own ritual
to deal with loss.

271
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,698
I think the Mexicans do it best.

272
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,326
They have Dia de Muertos,
which means Day of the Dead.

273
00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:43,203
I bet you didn't know I was bilingual.

274
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:48,125
Day of the Dead is a celebration
of the life of the person they lost.

275
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,293
And they got this from the Aztecs.

276
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,671
Supposedly,
the Aztecs would go all in.

277
00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,590
Once a year, the Aztecs
would visit the grave of a loved one,

278
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,676
dig up the body, clean the bones,

279
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,011
and then eat a meal with the skeleton.

280
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:02,806
And I just feel like
my mom wouldn't want that.

281
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,141
[laughter]

282
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,268
Where are the local authorities?

283
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,228
"What in the hell are you doing?"

284
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:12,107
"Well, I was having dinner with my mom
until you rudely interrupted."

285
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,861
Don't worry, I can say that
'cause I'm Aztec.

286
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,071
[laughter]

287
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:21,283
The most famous Aztec,
of course, is Montezuma.

288
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,660
You may have heard of
Montezuma's revenge.

289
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:28,290
If you're in Mexico and you get diarrhea,
that's Montezuma's revenge.

290
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,003
Montezuma had the ability
to give other people diarrhea.

291
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,214
That was like his superpower.

292
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:38,800
"You get diarrhea, you get diarrhea."

293
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:41,344
He was like the Oprah of diarrhea.

294
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,890
"Everyone look under your seats!

295
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:48,268
You're all going home with diarrhea!"

296
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,686
[laughter]

297
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:53,982
What a bizarre power,
to give someone diarrhea.

298
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:57,819
I don't know if he was part
of the Marvel universe.

299
00:12:57,903 --> 00:13:01,490
"Montezuma, reporting for duty...

300
00:13:01,573 --> 00:13:03,742
and doody."

301
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,286
[laughter]

302
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:10,582
You know, I'd always heard that
the best revenge is a life well lived.

303
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:14,085
But, I don't know, giving your
enemy diarrhea's got to be up there.

304
00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:17,797
We all know someone
we'd like to give diarrhea to.

305
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,926
"Oh, Carol wants me
to work this weekend?

306
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,428
Well, looks like she's
not doing anything, either.

307
00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:25,764
[laughter]

308
00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,098
Thanks, Montezuma."

309
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:32,812
That was Montezuma's revenge,
which is not that harsh

310
00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:35,148
when you consider what it's revenge for.

311
00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,400
Did Montezuma give a rousing speech?

312
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,903
Was he like, "They may kill us all.

313
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,322
They may wipe out our civilization,

314
00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:45,492
but we shall have our revenge."

315
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,954
And the Aztecs are like,
"What is it? What is it?"

316
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,413
"Diarrhea."

317
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:55,252
And the Aztecs are like,
"It sounded like you said diarrhea."

318
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,505
"But here's the kicker.
They'd be on vacation."

319
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:02,842
And the Aztecs are like,
"What's a vacation?"

320
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,389
It's a unique form of revenge.

321
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,517
You never see that in one
of those Liam Neeson movies.

322
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:15,230
[deep voice]
"I have a very particular set of skills.

323
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,691
And if anything should
happen to my daughter,

324
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,527
you will find yourself with IBS.

325
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,279
[laughter]

326
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:26,074
That stands for
irritable bowel syndrome.

327
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:28,868
It's a fancy term for diarrhea."

328
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:34,415
Now, I know that's a ridiculous
amount of diarrhea jokes.

329
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,836
But, I don't know,
I feel like I can say them

330
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,546
'cause I have diarrhea.

331
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:42,632
I do. I always have diarrhea.

332
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,551
I don't mean to brag, but...

333
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,263
I have ADHD:
always does have diarrhea.

334
00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:53,727
Every day for me is Dia de Diarrhea.

335
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:56,187
And I'm sure some of you are thinking,

336
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:59,316
"Oh, Jim's just saying that
to impress the ladies."

337
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,152
And there might be
a gal out there,

338
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,945
"I want to hook up
with the diarrhea comic."

339
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:05,572
Well, too bad, 'cause I'm taken.

340
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,033
And I have diarrhea.

341
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,662
Diarrhea comes from
the Greek word "dia,"

342
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:16,124
meaning God and "rhea",
meaning I have diarrhea.

343
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:23,632
Now, I'm faced with the challenge
of segueing back to normal material...

344
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:25,216
[laughter]

345
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:29,929
after what can only be described
as an explosion of diarrhea jokes.

346
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,433
Starbucks? You ever go to Starbucks?

347
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,519
It worked. It totally worked.

348
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,065
Starbucks, of course, is a coffee shop.

349
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,900
But much more than that, right?

350
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:44,611
Starbucks is a whole experience,

351
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,280
and that whole Starbucks experience

352
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:49,449
makes me want to strangle people.

353
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:50,825
[laughter]

354
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:53,203
I'm convinced, humans,
we can't handle Starbucks.

355
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,455
There's too many options.
Way too many options.

356
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,832
In fast food places,
there's an efficiency.

357
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,250
"I'll have a number three."

358
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:00,835
And Starbucks, people sound like brats.

359
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:04,964
They're like, "Okay. Let's see.

360
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,425
What does baby feel like sipping on?

361
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:12,847
I'll have a venti
half-caf caramel macchiato

362
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:16,226
with no sugar, no dairy, and no coffee."

363
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,228
[laughter]

364
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,563
Then the most amazing thing happens.

365
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:25,360
Instead of the Starbucks cashier
slapping this person,

366
00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:27,987
they just give a nod of,
"As you wish."

367
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:33,076
It appears like people in Starbucks
are trying to stump the barista.

368
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,870
They're like, "All right,
let me have a chai tea

369
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:40,375
with shot of pumpkin spice,
half goat milk and half breast milk."

370
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,293
[laughter]

371
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:43,962
"As you wish."

372
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,091
Your order in Starbucks
is not complete

373
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,009
until you provide a name.

374
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,637
And they don't really ask for it,
they kind of demand it.

375
00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:54,556
They're like,
"I need a name for the order."

376
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:55,890
"Can I just have my coffee?"

377
00:16:55,974 --> 00:16:58,017
"I must have a name."

378
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,270
[sighs] "Satan."

379
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,565
"Excuse me?"

380
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,483
"Tall black coffee. Satan."

381
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,194
[laughter]

382
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,487
"As you wish."

383
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,116
The suffering doesn't end there, though.

384
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,786
After you order, then you have
to wait in that pickup area.

385
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,248
That's like the methadone
clinic of Starbucks.

386
00:17:21,583 --> 00:17:24,127
All the caffeine addicts
are milling around...

387
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:29,340
You're forced to listen
to Mannheim Steamroller.

388
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:32,886
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

389
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:34,929
You just judge other people's orders.

390
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:36,973
"I have a hot chocolate for Dan."

391
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,141
"What a dork.

392
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:42,353
Grow up, Dan!"

393
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:46,608
And if Dan's not right there,
you're like, "We should kill Dan."

394
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:50,069
[laughter]

395
00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,321
You just wait.

396
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:54,657
You wait, as the people
that ordered on the Starbucks app

397
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,076
breeze in
like they're accepting an award.

398
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,330
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

399
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,748
"See you losers later."

400
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,458
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

401
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,881
You just end up watching
that barista slave away.

402
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:12,675
You've never seen someone
work that hard in your life,

403
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,053
but you wish they'd pick up
the pace a little.

404
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:16,471
[laughter]

405
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,972
"Come on!"

406
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:20,975
You want your coffee,
but more than anything,

407
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:23,019
you need to get away from these people.

408
00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:27,690
Occasionally there's that person
that brings their own cup to Starbucks.

409
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,901
"I have my own cup.
I have my own cup."

410
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,694
"Yeah, so do we. They're at home."

411
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:34,656
"Let me understand this.

412
00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:36,991
"You have your life together enough
to bring your own cup,

413
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:39,410
but you can't make
your own damn coffee?

414
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,079
[laughter]

415
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:44,791
No. No. You have to go."

416
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,335
That's why I think there needs
to be a button in Starbucks,

417
00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:48,711
a simple button,

418
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,965
that when it's pressed,
two men dressed all in white

419
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:55,635
would just appear and-and
deal with the annoying person.

420
00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:58,137
They're like, "Hey, I see
you brought your own cup.

421
00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,722
Why don't you come with us."

422
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:02,934
The person would be like,
"I bought the cup here."

423
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,978
"That's cute.
We want to show you something."

424
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,813
[laughter]

425
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:10,066
And they'd escort that person
into a back room,

426
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,402
and then you'd just hear faint screams.

427
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,487
"Ow!"

428
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:18,867
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

429
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:21,160
You stand there, you just stand.

430
00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:24,831
All the chairs are taken 'cause
Starbucks is not only a coffee shop,

431
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,625
it's also an upscale unemployment office.

432
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,294
[laughter]

433
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:32,213
Filled with students,
people on conference calls.

434
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:36,217
There's always that one guy
that set up his office in Starbucks,

435
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:38,303
"Can you move your fax machine?"

436
00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:41,639
It's packed.

437
00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:44,309
It's like the opposite of Dunkin' Donuts.

438
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:48,229
You walk in Dunkin' Donuts, you feel like
you're entering an active crime scene.

439
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:51,399
[laughter]

440
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:54,611
Shelves are bare.
There's no employees around.

441
00:19:56,362 --> 00:19:57,822
"Are you guys even open?

442
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,450
"Did I just break in?

443
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:03,036
I don't want to touch anything
and leave my DNA."

444
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:10,543
So instead, I subject myself
to the Starbucks experience,

445
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:14,797
and after what feels like an eternity,
they finally announce my order.

446
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,675
"I have a tall black coffee for Satin."

447
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:20,053
[laughter]

448
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:26,935
"It-- it's Satan."

449
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,561
[laughter]

450
00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:31,981
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

451
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,816
[cheers and applause]

452
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,193
Thank you.

453
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:38,905
[applause]

454
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,994
I'm not good at waiting.
I'm not good at waiting.

455
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:48,790
Like lines. I don't even like seeing
other people stand in lines.

456
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,626
Once I drop my kids off at school--
I've done it once--

457
00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,753
and I was walking home,

458
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,089
and I saw this line
of 30 or 40 people

459
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,715
at 8:00 a.m. in front of this building.

460
00:20:57,799 --> 00:20:59,550
There was no signage on the building,

461
00:20:59,634 --> 00:21:02,178
so I went up and I asked,
I was like, "What's this line for?"

462
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,181
And this woman goes,
"Oh, they released a new sneaker."

463
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,018
And I had to hold myself back from saying,
"Oh, you should probably kill yourself."

464
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:13,189
I didn't say that. I thought it.

465
00:21:14,148 --> 00:21:16,275
And I'm sure there's
probably a sneakerhead in the audience,

466
00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:17,485
and I want you to hear this.

467
00:21:17,568 --> 00:21:19,153
You should be embarrassed.

468
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,863
[laughter]

469
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,825
I know you think you look cool
in your $600 Air Jordans,

470
00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:26,869
but all we see is someone
that's gonna need to borrow money.

471
00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,457
But I have friends like that.
They spend all their money on sneakers.

472
00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,543
And I would never encourage
someone to do drugs.

473
00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:36,671
But occasionally I'll ask them,
I'm like, "Have you tried drugs?

474
00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:38,381
[laughter]

475
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,508
There's never a line for drugs."

476
00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:45,888
But we all encounter
these mystery lines.

477
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,224
One time I was driving to a show,
and I started passing

478
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,184
all these people sitting in their car,

479
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,979
lined up, dozens and dozens of cars.

480
00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:56,649
When I finally got to the front,
I realized it was a line for Chick-fil-A.

481
00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:58,943
[laughter]

482
00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:00,862
And understandably,
my first thought was,

483
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:03,322
"Oh, my God, Chick-fil-A
released a new sneaker."

484
00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:06,909
[laughter]

485
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,244
Now, I like Chick-fil-A.

486
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:12,081
I like Chick-fil-A, but this line
was at least an hour,

487
00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:15,084
an hour-fifteen
for drive-thru Chick-fil-A.

488
00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:16,836
And I'm no chef, but in that time,

489
00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:19,088
I'm pretty confident
I could have deep fried a chicken...

490
00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:22,633
eaten it, and had diarrhea.

491
00:22:22,717 --> 00:22:25,803
[laughter]

492
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:27,680
Oh, now you like
the diarrhea jokes, huh?

493
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:28,973
[chuckles]

494
00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:32,393
You appreciate the diarrhea callback,

495
00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:34,437
which makes sense,
'cause what is diarrhea

496
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,689
but a callback to what you ate earlier?

497
00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:38,357
[laughter]

498
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:41,319
"Oh, that's right.
The burger had jalapenos."

499
00:22:41,402 --> 00:22:44,572
[laughter]

500
00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:47,408
"His entire show
was death and diarrhea."

501
00:22:47,492 --> 00:22:48,951
[laughter]

502
00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:52,080
It is great to be back in Tampa.
Thank you for coming out.

503
00:22:52,163 --> 00:22:54,040
[cheers and applause]

504
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,001
I, uh...

505
00:22:59,504 --> 00:23:01,422
I've performed here many times.

506
00:23:01,506 --> 00:23:04,342
Occasionally, I will perform
in a city I've never been.

507
00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:06,469
I did a show in Rochester, Minnesota.

508
00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:08,513
I'd never been,
so I asked my cab driver,

509
00:23:08,596 --> 00:23:11,099
I was like, "Is there anything
I should know about Rochester?"

510
00:23:11,182 --> 00:23:14,435
And he said, "Oh, yeah.
We got a really cool bell tower."

511
00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:17,105
And I thought,
"Oh, wow, so there's nothing."

512
00:23:17,188 --> 00:23:19,357
[laughter]

513
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,818
But I tried to be polite. Heh.

514
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:24,195
I was like,
"Oh, bell tower. Interesting."

515
00:23:24,278 --> 00:23:25,446
And he's like,
"Yeah, I could take you there,"

516
00:23:25,530 --> 00:23:30,409
and I was like, "Eh, it's all right.
I don't want to overstimulate myself.

517
00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:34,163
Yeah, I-I just heard a bunch of bells
in Starbucks, so I'm good."

518
00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:39,127
Of course, there was a time
when a bell tower was interesting,

519
00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:42,130
and not only that,
there was a time when a bell,

520
00:23:42,213 --> 00:23:44,882
a bell was cutting-edge technology.

521
00:23:44,966 --> 00:23:47,593
From a historical standpoint,
not that long ago.

522
00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,095
Not that long ago.

523
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:51,556
Back in the day,
if a person was walking to his town,

524
00:23:51,639 --> 00:23:53,349
someone might be like,
"You're going to this town?

525
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:56,811
Well, get ready 'cause,
believe it or not, this town has a bell."

526
00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:58,896
And back then, that person
might have been like,

527
00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:00,606
"A bell? What's that?"

528
00:24:00,690 --> 00:24:02,024
And then someone
would have to explain.

529
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:03,943
They'd be like,
"Well, it's kind of hard to describe.

530
00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:07,446
It's this metal thing,
kind of shaped like a bell.

531
00:24:07,530 --> 00:24:08,698
[laughter]

532
00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:10,366
It rings, it's magic."

533
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:13,369
There was a time when bells were new,

534
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:17,081
which means there were people
that were resistant, suspicious.

535
00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:19,167
"You know, I don't trust that bell.

536
00:24:20,084 --> 00:24:21,586
When they ring it, I cover my ears.

537
00:24:21,669 --> 00:24:24,005
I don't want the government
harvesting my DNA.

538
00:24:25,715 --> 00:24:27,466
No, thank you."

539
00:24:27,550 --> 00:24:29,677
They were probably people
worried about the effects

540
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,345
the bell would have on children.

541
00:24:31,429 --> 00:24:33,097
You know, "Kids are already distracted.

542
00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:36,309
Now they're ringing
that damn bell every hour.

543
00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:39,103
Soon, kids won't even be able
to read a sundial.

544
00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:42,440
Mark my words, kids have
become addicted to these bells.

545
00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:44,275
We'll have to limit their bell time."

546
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:48,696
I like how some of you are looking me,
like, "Now he's doing bell jokes?

547
00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:51,908
I didn't know it would get this edgy."

548
00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:54,660
The amazing thing is, you know,

549
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:56,746
there's one person
in this audience that's like,

550
00:24:56,829 --> 00:24:58,623
"I'm offended.

551
00:24:58,706 --> 00:25:00,750
[laughter]

552
00:25:00,833 --> 00:25:04,378
"I came to hear comedy,
not some anti-bell tirade.

553
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:09,842
My family's been making
bells for generations.

554
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:12,220
Our business barely survives
the pandemic,

555
00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:16,515
and then this fat ass
starts badmouthing bells

556
00:25:16,599 --> 00:25:19,644
during peak bell season, I might add.

557
00:25:19,727 --> 00:25:21,562
But does he care?
No, he doesn't care.

558
00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:25,691
He's just some balding idiot
in his early 20s, yeah...

559
00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:30,905
trying to distract from the fact
he's offbeat, good-looking."

560
00:25:32,782 --> 00:25:34,867
I'm sure that's not what all of you think.

561
00:25:36,244 --> 00:25:38,579
There's so many types of bells.

562
00:25:38,663 --> 00:25:41,332
Oh, you thought
that was the end of the bell jokes.

563
00:25:42,416 --> 00:25:45,086
I decide for whom the bell tolls.

564
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:48,339
You never thought you'd miss
a diarrhea joke, did you?

565
00:25:49,465 --> 00:25:51,092
"Look, Daddy, teacher says,

566
00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:54,762
'Every time a bell rings,
an angel gets diarrhea.'"

567
00:25:55,888 --> 00:25:58,891
[James Stewart voice]
"Well, that's right. Attaboy, Montezuma!"

568
00:25:58,975 --> 00:26:00,893
[laughter]

569
00:26:00,977 --> 00:26:03,479
Yes, that was a Jimmy Stewart bell joke...

570
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:08,234
with a double callback
to diarrhea and Montezuma.

571
00:26:08,317 --> 00:26:10,361
Very high degree of difficulty.

572
00:26:12,321 --> 00:26:14,031
And by the way,
I didn't even call back the...

573
00:26:14,115 --> 00:26:16,409
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

574
00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:19,662
That would have been a triple callback,
which is illegal in Florida.

575
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,289
[laughter]

576
00:26:21,372 --> 00:26:24,875
But it's all part
of my upcoming one-man show,

577
00:26:24,959 --> 00:26:28,296
where I reimagine the movie
It's a Wonderful Life,

578
00:26:28,379 --> 00:26:31,257
where every character
only discusses diarrhea.

579
00:26:32,925 --> 00:26:34,552
[James Stewart voice]
"Well, wh-what do you want, Mary?

580
00:26:34,635 --> 00:26:36,554
You want-- you want diarrhea?

581
00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:39,223
Well, just say the word,
and I'll throw a lasso around it,

582
00:26:39,307 --> 00:26:41,225
and I'd pull it down,
and you'd swallow it,

583
00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:43,644
and the diarrhea would
squirt out of your fingertips.

584
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,067
But your-- your diarrhea is not here.

585
00:26:50,151 --> 00:26:53,946
Your diarrhea's in Joe's house,
which is next to yours.

586
00:26:54,030 --> 00:26:55,406
Don't you understand here?

587
00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:58,117
Montezuma's not buying. He's selling."

588
00:26:59,452 --> 00:27:00,745
[Clarence voice]
"Strange, isn't it?

589
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:04,498
How one man's diarrhea
touches so many other lives.

590
00:27:06,417 --> 00:27:09,962
And when that diarrhea is not there,
it leaves quite a hole."

591
00:27:12,715 --> 00:27:16,510
Some of you are like, "How about less
difficult jokes that are actually funny?"

592
00:27:17,887 --> 00:27:19,388
[chuckles]

593
00:27:20,431 --> 00:27:21,974
I, uh...

594
00:27:22,058 --> 00:27:23,351
I do hope everyone feels well.

595
00:27:23,434 --> 00:27:26,854
I did a show recently,
and this guy in the front row became ill.

596
00:27:26,937 --> 00:27:29,148
Had to stop the show.
They turned on the lights.

597
00:27:29,231 --> 00:27:31,609
Paramedics came in.
He was fine.

598
00:27:31,692 --> 00:27:34,528
But you should know,
my comedy can cause illness.

599
00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:36,989
They brought the guy to the hospital.

600
00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:38,407
I don't know what he told the doctor.

601
00:27:38,491 --> 00:27:41,452
He was like, "Yeah, I was watching
Jim Gaffigan do stand-up comedy,

602
00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:43,954
and I just started feeling nauseous."

603
00:27:45,164 --> 00:27:47,375
The doctor's like, "That's not unusual.

604
00:27:49,585 --> 00:27:53,005
By chance,
was he doing jokes about bells?"

605
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:55,174
"He had a couple of bell jokes."

606
00:27:55,257 --> 00:27:58,469
"So, too many bell jokes.
Anything else?"

607
00:27:58,552 --> 00:28:00,846
"Uh, at one point,
I saw this bright white light,

608
00:28:00,930 --> 00:28:02,348
but I think that was just Jim."

609
00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:07,645
"I'm going to prescribe you
some Taco Bell.

610
00:28:09,271 --> 00:28:11,315
I suggest you eat it on the toilet."

611
00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:14,944
[laughter]

612
00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:16,779
It always goes back to diarrhea.

613
00:28:18,739 --> 00:28:20,074
The guy in the front row was fine.

614
00:28:20,157 --> 00:28:21,742
Be weird if I was like,
"Yeah, he died."

615
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:24,620
He was fine. Same show.

616
00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:26,330
Half hour later, same show,

617
00:28:26,414 --> 00:28:29,417
someone in the audience
went into labor during the show.

618
00:28:29,500 --> 00:28:30,751
I assume it was a woman.

619
00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:34,380
The mother was fine.
The baby was fine.

620
00:28:34,463 --> 00:28:36,382
So, even if the guy
in the front row had died,

621
00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,342
it would have been essentially a wash.

622
00:28:38,426 --> 00:28:40,177
[laughter]

623
00:28:40,261 --> 00:28:43,389
You know, you win some, you lose some.

624
00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:45,391
I mean, that's comedy, right?

625
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:49,979
Here's something cute.
Because the baby was delivered

626
00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:53,691
at my show, they decided
to call him Fat Ass.

627
00:28:53,774 --> 00:28:55,443
[laughter]

628
00:28:55,526 --> 00:28:58,487
Which is not even true,
but it still hurts my feelings.

629
00:28:59,321 --> 00:29:01,240
But what are the odds?
What are the odds,

630
00:29:01,323 --> 00:29:03,742
two medical emergencies
at the same show?

631
00:29:03,826 --> 00:29:05,870
And I think the weirdest coincidence,

632
00:29:05,953 --> 00:29:07,663
I made both stories up.

633
00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:10,708
[laughter]

634
00:29:10,791 --> 00:29:11,876
Right?

635
00:29:14,503 --> 00:29:15,629
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

636
00:29:15,713 --> 00:29:16,922
The guy in the front row died.

637
00:29:17,006 --> 00:29:18,799
[laughter]

638
00:29:18,883 --> 00:29:20,301
He was killed by the baby.

639
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:24,638
[♪ scatting "Carol of the Bells"]

640
00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:28,350
"I wasn't sure if he was trying
to make us laugh or just annoy us."

641
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:33,063
A little rainy out there, but it's nice.

642
00:29:33,147 --> 00:29:34,899
That's the temperature
it's supposed to be.

643
00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:37,109
Remember when weather
wasn't frightening?

644
00:29:38,027 --> 00:29:40,905
'Cause now, if it's unseasonably
warm or unseasonably cold,

645
00:29:40,988 --> 00:29:43,782
we all give each other look like,
"This means we're all gonna die.

646
00:29:44,617 --> 00:29:46,118
There's a flood coming."

647
00:29:47,286 --> 00:29:49,038
But admit it, when you left
your house, you used to think,

648
00:29:49,121 --> 00:29:52,041
"Eh. Do I need a coat?"
Now you're like, "Should I buy a boat?"

649
00:29:52,124 --> 00:29:54,043
[laughter]

650
00:29:54,126 --> 00:29:55,669
I don't know much about global warming,

651
00:29:55,753 --> 00:29:58,547
but I do know
they stopped debating it.

652
00:29:58,631 --> 00:30:00,633
Five years ago,
there was always a guy on TV, like,

653
00:30:00,716 --> 00:30:03,260
"There's no proof the Earth is warming."

654
00:30:03,344 --> 00:30:06,263
And now that same guys like,
"Well, what're ya gonna do?"

655
00:30:06,347 --> 00:30:08,516
[laughter]

656
00:30:08,599 --> 00:30:09,683
"Wait, what?"

657
00:30:09,767 --> 00:30:12,770
"The people who live on the coastline
should sell their homes."

658
00:30:12,853 --> 00:30:14,104
"To who?"

659
00:30:15,356 --> 00:30:16,982
"We'll figure it out later on."

660
00:30:17,942 --> 00:30:19,693
Something's happening. In 20 years,

661
00:30:19,777 --> 00:30:21,904
what are we going to tell
our children and grandchildren?

662
00:30:21,987 --> 00:30:23,697
'Cause they're gonna ask us,
they're gonna come to us,

663
00:30:23,781 --> 00:30:26,700
they're gonna be like,
"Did you know about global warming?

664
00:30:26,784 --> 00:30:31,247
And we're gonna be like,
"I mean, I heard about it."

665
00:30:31,330 --> 00:30:32,748
[laughter]

666
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:35,501
I mean, it was more of
a rumor back then, really.

667
00:30:36,043 --> 00:30:39,129
"Did you protest like that Greta lady?"

668
00:30:39,213 --> 00:30:40,923
"Well, heh, kinda.

669
00:30:41,006 --> 00:30:43,842
I mean, you know,
there was a pandemic.

670
00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:45,553
We didn't really do groups.

671
00:30:46,637 --> 00:30:49,723
I mean... I brought
my own cup to Starbucks."

672
00:30:49,807 --> 00:30:52,142
[laughter]

673
00:30:52,226 --> 00:30:54,228
There's floods, there's fires.

674
00:30:54,311 --> 00:30:55,521
There's a pandemic.

675
00:30:55,604 --> 00:30:59,066
In biblical times, these would
have been messages from God.

676
00:30:59,149 --> 00:31:01,318
Like, we don't know, God might
be up there right now, like...

677
00:31:01,402 --> 00:31:03,862
[God voice] "Are they getting
any of these messages?

678
00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:07,157
Is anything getting through?"

679
00:31:08,367 --> 00:31:09,493
And God's assistant's like...

680
00:31:09,577 --> 00:31:10,828
[nasally voice]
"Eh, no, sir."

681
00:31:12,079 --> 00:31:14,707
[God voice] "Set the entire
state of California on fire.

682
00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:17,960
[laughter]

683
00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:19,503
Did they get the message?"

684
00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:23,090
[nasally voice] "Uh, one woman
is saying it's space lasers, sir."

685
00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:29,096
[God voice] "What about the pandemic?
I sent a plague."

686
00:31:29,179 --> 00:31:30,889
[nasally voice]
"Uh, they're blaming the guy

687
00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:32,850
who came up with Microsoft Word."

688
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:35,769
[laughter]

689
00:31:38,814 --> 00:31:41,984
"I miss the days when you could send
a plague and people would listen."

690
00:31:44,361 --> 00:31:46,947
'Cause that's how God used
to communicate He was unhappy.

691
00:31:47,031 --> 00:31:48,449
He'd send a plague.

692
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,784
That was like His sad-face emoji.

693
00:31:50,868 --> 00:31:52,828
[laughter]

694
00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,247
God would send a plague,
and humans would interpret it.

695
00:31:55,331 --> 00:31:57,082
"Like what?"
"He either wants you

696
00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:59,418
to let the Hebrews go, or wow,

697
00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:02,338
he really wants us to eat these frogs.

698
00:32:03,297 --> 00:32:05,090
'Cause this is a lot of frogs."

699
00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:08,260
I love how that
was one of the plagues.

700
00:32:08,344 --> 00:32:09,970
Like God got His assistant and goes...

701
00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:11,930
[God voice]
"Write down all these plagues."

702
00:32:12,014 --> 00:32:14,183
And the assistant's like,
"Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir."

703
00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:16,477
"We're gonna freak that pharaoh out.

704
00:32:17,394 --> 00:32:20,064
First we're going to turn
all the water into blood,

705
00:32:20,147 --> 00:32:21,774
water into blood."

706
00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:24,693
And the assistant's like,
"Water into blood. Got it, sir."

707
00:32:24,777 --> 00:32:27,029
[God voice] "All right,
now we're going to take it up a notch.

708
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:29,657
Frogs."

709
00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:30,824
[laughter]

710
00:32:30,908 --> 00:32:33,577
And the assistant's like,
"Uh, what about frogs, sir?"

711
00:32:33,661 --> 00:32:35,079
"That's the second plague.

712
00:32:35,162 --> 00:32:37,581
You know how everyone's
frightened of frogs."

713
00:32:37,665 --> 00:32:39,208
"Uh, they are, sir?"

714
00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:42,252
"Oh, yeah. I created frogs,
and I'm terrified.

715
00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:46,256
I mean, what are frogs?
Are they fish? Are they lizards?"

716
00:32:47,257 --> 00:32:49,259
"Uh, they're amphibians, sir."

717
00:32:50,135 --> 00:32:52,012
[God's voice, mocking]
"They're amphibians, sir.

718
00:32:52,096 --> 00:32:54,556
[laughter]

719
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,767
"Just write down the damn plagues.

720
00:32:57,893 --> 00:33:00,187
I don't pay you for your commentary."

721
00:33:01,647 --> 00:33:04,149
I like how there were ten plagues.
Ten plagues.

722
00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:06,777
You know, like they were albums
God released.

723
00:33:08,195 --> 00:33:09,238
Like a catalogue.

724
00:33:09,321 --> 00:33:12,366
Was there ever a retrospective
where God was interviewed?

725
00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:15,703
He was like, "Ha ha ha,
yes, my ten plagues, they...

726
00:33:15,786 --> 00:33:18,747
They they really were a reflection
of where I was at the time.

727
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:22,167
I knew I wanted to start
with water into blood.

728
00:33:22,251 --> 00:33:25,921
I was going to do water into wine,
but I thought I'd save that for myself.

729
00:33:27,589 --> 00:33:30,134
And then the frogs. Heh heh heh.

730
00:33:30,217 --> 00:33:31,969
I was in a crazy place.

731
00:33:32,052 --> 00:33:33,846
[laughter]

732
00:33:33,929 --> 00:33:37,141
I had just watched
a bunch of Muppet movies."

733
00:33:37,224 --> 00:33:41,478
[laughter]

734
00:33:41,562 --> 00:33:43,605
God's communication,
all over the place, right?

735
00:33:43,689 --> 00:33:46,400
He did the plagues. Then he talked
to Moses as a burning bush.

736
00:33:46,483 --> 00:33:49,903
Then he sent angels...
He was like, "Gabriel, get in here!"

737
00:33:49,987 --> 00:33:52,322
And Gabriel was like,
"Ah, yes, sir? I have my horn.

738
00:33:52,406 --> 00:33:53,449
Do you want to hear a song?"

739
00:33:53,532 --> 00:33:55,200
God's like, "I don't know.

740
00:33:56,118 --> 00:33:59,455
Gabriel, I need you
to go down to Earth and find Mary."

741
00:33:59,538 --> 00:34:02,416
Gabriel was like,
"Uh, do you have a last name, sir?"

742
00:34:03,417 --> 00:34:05,043
[God voice] "Mary. Uh, Mary...

743
00:34:05,127 --> 00:34:07,713
"It's not Magdalene.
It's the other one.

744
00:34:07,796 --> 00:34:10,924
Oh, you'll recognize her.
She has a halo, and she stands like this."

745
00:34:11,759 --> 00:34:14,094
[laughter]

746
00:34:14,178 --> 00:34:16,513
[Gabriel voice]
"Uh. Okay, sir."

747
00:34:16,597 --> 00:34:18,306
"Go down to Earth, find Mary,

748
00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:20,559
and tell her she's gonna have my child."

749
00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:23,228
[Gabriel voice, stammering]
"E-e-excuse me, sir?"

750
00:34:23,853 --> 00:34:26,148
"Tell Mary she's going
to be my baby's mama."

751
00:34:26,231 --> 00:34:28,317
[laughter]

752
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:30,694
"Sir, you... you want me to tell her?"

753
00:34:30,777 --> 00:34:33,530
"Well, I can't do it. She's only 14.
It would be inappropriate."

754
00:34:33,614 --> 00:34:35,449
[laughter]

755
00:34:35,532 --> 00:34:37,493
"Uh, anything else, sir?"

756
00:34:37,576 --> 00:34:39,828
"Yeah, when you're down there,
get me some hummus.

757
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,331
Look out for frogs.

758
00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:45,417
They're everywhere."

759
00:34:47,418 --> 00:34:49,797
I'm Catholic.
Catholics believe that God

760
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:51,965
has sent Mary down to Earth
numerous times.

761
00:34:52,049 --> 00:34:54,176
These are called Marian visitations.

762
00:34:54,259 --> 00:34:58,096
Mary usually comes down and talks
to the least helpful person she can find.

763
00:34:58,180 --> 00:35:00,224
[laughter]

764
00:35:00,307 --> 00:35:02,810
Mary will be like, "You,
French peasant girl, build me a church,"

765
00:35:02,893 --> 00:35:05,312
and the girl's like, "I'm 12."

766
00:35:06,230 --> 00:35:08,190
But my favorite Marian visitation is

767
00:35:08,273 --> 00:35:11,527
when Mary visited Mexico,
she visited Juan Diego.

768
00:35:11,610 --> 00:35:13,529
Juan Diego was an Aztec convert

769
00:35:13,612 --> 00:35:16,490
who used to walk ten miles
every day to church, ten miles.

770
00:35:16,573 --> 00:35:18,492
And one day, Juan Diego
was walking to church,

771
00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:19,827
and Mary appeared, and she was like,

772
00:35:19,910 --> 00:35:22,996
"Juan Diego. Tell the bishop
to build a church here,"

773
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,707
and Juan Diego's like,
"I've been Catholic for a week."

774
00:35:25,791 --> 00:35:27,209
And Mary's like, "Just do it."

775
00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:29,127
So Juan Diego
walked all the way into town,

776
00:35:29,211 --> 00:35:31,380
all the way into town,
all the way into town.

777
00:35:31,463 --> 00:35:32,631
And he found the bishop,
and he's like,

778
00:35:32,714 --> 00:35:37,761
"Bishop, Jesus' mom told me
to tell you to build a church

779
00:35:37,845 --> 00:35:39,721
closer to where I live."

780
00:35:43,517 --> 00:35:45,143
And the bishop was like,
"Do you have proof?"

781
00:35:45,227 --> 00:35:48,897
And Juan Diego was like, "Ah, she made it
sound like you guys knew each other."

782
00:35:48,981 --> 00:35:50,691
[laughter]

783
00:35:50,774 --> 00:35:54,570
And the next day, Juan Diego's uncle,
who he lived with, became ill.

784
00:35:54,653 --> 00:35:56,738
And he's-- the uncle
sent him into town for help.

785
00:35:56,822 --> 00:35:59,616
And as Juan Diego was leaving,
he remembered Mary, and he's like,

786
00:35:59,700 --> 00:36:02,578
"I don't want to run into her,"
so we went a different way,

787
00:36:02,661 --> 00:36:05,289
thinking he could trick God's mom.

788
00:36:06,456 --> 00:36:07,749
And Mary was like,
"What the hell are you doing?"

789
00:36:07,833 --> 00:36:10,502
He said, "Ah! My uncle's sick.

790
00:36:10,586 --> 00:36:11,753
"I'm going to get him help,

791
00:36:11,837 --> 00:36:14,256
and... and the bishop,
he said he needs proof."

792
00:36:14,339 --> 00:36:16,258
And Mary said,
"I'll deal with your uncle.

793
00:36:16,341 --> 00:36:18,677
Go into the mountains
and pick these flowers

794
00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,762
and bring them to the bishop as proof,"

795
00:36:20,846 --> 00:36:23,932
and Juan Diego's like,
"I don't think you know what proof is."

796
00:36:24,016 --> 00:36:25,684
[laughter]

797
00:36:25,767 --> 00:36:27,269
But he went into the mountains,

798
00:36:27,352 --> 00:36:30,606
and he picked all these flowers,
and he put 'em in his cape,

799
00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:32,691
and he walked all the way into town,
and he found the bishop.

800
00:36:32,774 --> 00:36:37,070
And he said, "Bishop,
Jesus' mom told me to tell you

801
00:36:37,154 --> 00:36:40,532
to build a church closer to where I live."

802
00:36:40,616 --> 00:36:42,200
And the bishop was like,
"Do you have proof?"

803
00:36:42,284 --> 00:36:45,662
And Juan Diego was like,
"I hope you like flowers."

804
00:36:45,746 --> 00:36:46,747
[laughter]

805
00:36:46,830 --> 00:36:49,541
And he dropped his cape,
and all these roses

806
00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:52,085
that were not in season
fell to the ground.

807
00:36:52,169 --> 00:36:55,213
And on his cape
was an image of Kanye West.

808
00:36:55,297 --> 00:36:59,092
[laughter]

809
00:36:59,176 --> 00:37:01,428
No, it was the Virgin Mary,
you sinners.

810
00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:05,098
But as a result,

811
00:37:05,182 --> 00:37:08,268
the bishop built the church
closer to where Juan Diego lived.

812
00:37:08,352 --> 00:37:10,479
All of Mexico became Catholic.

813
00:37:10,562 --> 00:37:13,565
And Juan Diego's uncle
invented the burrito.

814
00:37:15,651 --> 00:37:17,903
And if you don't believe that,
you're going to hell.

815
00:37:17,986 --> 00:37:20,614
[laughter]

816
00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:22,449
[cheers and applause]

817
00:37:27,788 --> 00:37:30,540
I mention Mexico a bunch in this show,

818
00:37:30,624 --> 00:37:32,626
and not just 'cause I'm Mexican.

819
00:37:32,709 --> 00:37:33,710
[laughter]

820
00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:36,171
I've been lucky enough
to go to Mexico a couple times.

821
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:40,884
Last time I went to Mexico City,
and when we were driving from the airport,

822
00:37:40,968 --> 00:37:44,096
we started passing all these billboards
for hot-air balloon rides,

823
00:37:44,179 --> 00:37:46,431
hot-air balloon rides, and my daughters
were so excited, they were like,

824
00:37:46,515 --> 00:37:49,267
"Oh, my God, hot-air balloon rides!
Can we do that? Can we do that?"

825
00:37:49,351 --> 00:37:50,727
And my daughters are so sweet.

826
00:37:50,811 --> 00:37:52,104
And as any parent will tell you,

827
00:37:52,187 --> 00:37:54,856
the pandemic's been
especially hard on children,

828
00:37:54,940 --> 00:37:56,775
so I turned to them and I said, "No."

829
00:37:59,152 --> 00:38:00,988
'Cause I was suspicious.

830
00:38:01,071 --> 00:38:02,823
I had only seen balloon rides

831
00:38:02,906 --> 00:38:05,867
in The Wizard of Oz
or Viagra commercials.

832
00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:08,370
[laughter]

833
00:38:08,453 --> 00:38:11,331
But when I got to my hotel,
the concierge gave me a number.

834
00:38:11,415 --> 00:38:13,750
So I called, they explained
how much it would cost,

835
00:38:13,834 --> 00:38:15,669
that I'd have to sign a waiver,

836
00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:18,338
and that someone
would pick us up at 5:00 a.m.

837
00:38:18,422 --> 00:38:21,008
And I was like, "In the morning?

838
00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:23,176
Uh, can we get a later flight?

839
00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:25,637
I mean, we just want
to go in a balloon.

840
00:38:25,721 --> 00:38:28,849
We're not looking to work out
with Mark Wahlberg."

841
00:38:30,267 --> 00:38:33,854
But it was obvious, 5:00 a.m.
was the only option, the only option.

842
00:38:33,937 --> 00:38:35,897
So, then I had to go back
to my daughters,

843
00:38:35,981 --> 00:38:37,607
who were on spring break,

844
00:38:37,691 --> 00:38:40,694
and explain that there were
no spots available.

845
00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:44,781
No. So, the next morning,

846
00:38:44,865 --> 00:38:47,784
we were picked up
at 5:00 a.m. in a filthy van,

847
00:38:47,868 --> 00:38:50,120
and we drove for two hours in the dark

848
00:38:50,203 --> 00:38:53,081
like we were participating
in a hostage exchange.

849
00:38:54,249 --> 00:38:56,918
I looked at my sweet daughters,
I'm like, "What am I doing?"

850
00:38:58,003 --> 00:39:00,380
What--? But I convinced myself,
these people know what they're doing.

851
00:39:00,464 --> 00:39:02,382
This is their business.
They know what they're doing.

852
00:39:02,466 --> 00:39:04,134
And when we finally got
to the balloon site,

853
00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:06,803
I realized, oh, they don't know
what they're doing.

854
00:39:06,887 --> 00:39:08,638
[laughter]

855
00:39:08,722 --> 00:39:10,891
Now, I've never assembled
a hot-air balloon,

856
00:39:10,974 --> 00:39:14,102
and from what I observed,
neither had any employee.

857
00:39:15,729 --> 00:39:17,522
Everyone was looking
at each other, going like...

858
00:39:19,983 --> 00:39:21,234
Like, if you got on a plane,

859
00:39:21,318 --> 00:39:23,487
and you looked in the cockpit
and the pilot was like...

860
00:39:25,363 --> 00:39:27,324
you'd be concerned!

861
00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:28,867
So I'm not embarrassed to admit this.

862
00:39:28,950 --> 00:39:31,161
I evaluated the situation.

863
00:39:31,244 --> 00:39:33,830
I thought, "You know, I'm here
with my teenage daughters.

864
00:39:33,914 --> 00:39:35,832
I'm in a country
where I don't speak the language,

865
00:39:35,916 --> 00:39:37,667
and I don't think these people
know what they're doing."

866
00:39:37,751 --> 00:39:39,336
So I made the executive decision

867
00:39:39,419 --> 00:39:41,880
that my daughters and I
would die in a balloon crash.

868
00:39:41,963 --> 00:39:43,757
[laughter]

869
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:46,301
Mainly 'cause
we had driven two hours.

870
00:39:47,094 --> 00:39:49,638
We've all done that.
You're like, "Well, we're here."

871
00:39:49,721 --> 00:39:51,515
[laughter]

872
00:39:51,598 --> 00:39:53,892
I assumed eventually
there'd be a safety briefing.

873
00:39:53,975 --> 00:39:55,560
There'd have to be a safety briefing.

874
00:39:55,644 --> 00:39:57,521
There was never a safety briefing.

875
00:39:58,021 --> 00:40:01,358
We just stood there watching these people
put together these balloons,

876
00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:04,444
and at one point, a guy standing
next to one of the balloons

877
00:40:04,528 --> 00:40:06,863
pointed to me and my daughters
and then pointed to the balloon.

878
00:40:06,947 --> 00:40:08,907
He didn't say anything.
He just pointed.

879
00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:10,826
So later on,
if there was an investigation,

880
00:40:10,909 --> 00:40:13,662
he could say, "I didn't tell them
to get in the balloon.

881
00:40:15,789 --> 00:40:17,874
I was pointing
to the people behind 'em."

882
00:40:18,959 --> 00:40:22,045
And like the sheep we are,
we just start walking towards the balloon.

883
00:40:23,088 --> 00:40:25,006
I remember thinking,
"This doesn't make sense,"

884
00:40:25,090 --> 00:40:28,510
but nothing about
a hot-air balloon ride is logical.

885
00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:32,430
It's just a dumb idea
that was somehow pitched to a moron.

886
00:40:34,391 --> 00:40:36,309
You know, some idiot was like,
"I think I've come up

887
00:40:36,393 --> 00:40:40,147
with a form of transportation
which is slightly slower than walking."

888
00:40:40,230 --> 00:40:42,107
[laughter]

889
00:40:42,190 --> 00:40:43,859
That should have been the end of it.

890
00:40:43,942 --> 00:40:45,360
But there was a moron there going,

891
00:40:45,443 --> 00:40:47,028
"Let's do. What do you need?
Let's do it."

892
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:48,738
And the guy was like,
"Well, all I would need is,

893
00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:51,366
a balloon the size of a building,

894
00:40:51,449 --> 00:40:54,327
an enormous Easter basket,
and a blowtorch."

895
00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:57,873
And the moron was like, "Let's do it.
Can the balloon look like

896
00:40:57,956 --> 00:40:59,791
we stole it from the gay pride parade?"

897
00:40:59,875 --> 00:41:01,168
[laughter]

898
00:41:01,251 --> 00:41:03,003
"I don't see why not."

899
00:41:06,756 --> 00:41:09,092
We eventually reached
the basket of our balloon.

900
00:41:09,176 --> 00:41:12,679
By the way, it was a physical basket
made of wicker. Wicker!

901
00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:16,558
You know, that stuff
that can barely carry your laundry?

902
00:41:16,641 --> 00:41:19,853
It was supposed to cart
my fat ass through the sky.

903
00:41:22,022 --> 00:41:25,192
Now the pointing guy was motioning
for us to get in the basket.

904
00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:27,611
There was no ladder.
My daughter's got in fine.

905
00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:31,156
I kind of tried to climb
in this gigantic Easter basket

906
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:34,034
like I was shooting a scene
from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

907
00:41:35,619 --> 00:41:38,663
When I landed, I heard a crunch,
and I looked up and I saw flames,

908
00:41:38,747 --> 00:41:40,540
and I was like, "Am I already dead?"

909
00:41:40,624 --> 00:41:43,543
[laughter]

910
00:41:44,628 --> 00:41:47,172
In our balloon basket
was our balloon pilot.

911
00:41:47,255 --> 00:41:49,507
That feels like a generous title.

912
00:41:50,926 --> 00:41:53,094
Pilot? I'm not saying
we should call them rope-pullers,

913
00:41:53,178 --> 00:41:55,513
but if there was an emergency,
"Is anyone a pilot here?"

914
00:41:55,597 --> 00:41:56,598
"I'm a pilot."

915
00:41:56,681 --> 00:41:59,017
"Oh, Thank God.
We need someone to fly the plane."

916
00:41:59,100 --> 00:42:00,852
"Well, I'm a balloon pilot.

917
00:42:02,646 --> 00:42:05,190
But don't worry,
just show me where the rope is."

918
00:42:05,273 --> 00:42:07,150
[laughter]

919
00:42:07,234 --> 00:42:10,028
Our balloon pilot was arguing
with someone on a walkie-talkie,

920
00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:12,447
and I don't speak Spanish,
but from what I pieced together,

921
00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,241
he was telling someone,
"Don't make me do this.

922
00:42:14,324 --> 00:42:15,575
I don't want to die."

923
00:42:17,452 --> 00:42:20,830
I don't speak Spanish, so I just kept
listening for the word "problemo."

924
00:42:22,415 --> 00:42:24,751
Did he say problemo or poblano?

925
00:42:24,834 --> 00:42:26,795
Hopefully, he's ordering
a spicy lunch.

926
00:42:28,588 --> 00:42:30,674
Then this very official-looking
woman came up

927
00:42:30,757 --> 00:42:32,592
and spoke the only English
we heard all day.

928
00:42:32,676 --> 00:42:33,969
She looked right at me and she said,

929
00:42:34,052 --> 00:42:36,930
"When you land, you bounce."
And then she left.

930
00:42:37,013 --> 00:42:40,725
[laughter]

931
00:42:40,809 --> 00:42:44,854
I wasn't sure if that was
a prediction or directions, but...

932
00:42:46,147 --> 00:42:48,900
I was pretty confident
that was the safety briefing.

933
00:42:50,568 --> 00:42:52,404
Then immediately we started floating,

934
00:42:52,487 --> 00:42:54,698
and I was overcome by this feeling of,
"Let's go back down.

935
00:42:54,781 --> 00:42:56,074
Why don't we go back down?"

936
00:42:56,908 --> 00:42:59,786
'Cause not only were we floating,
we were drifting.

937
00:42:59,869 --> 00:43:01,830
It was obvious the pilot's not steering.

938
00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:04,040
He's just adding hot air
so we can float. He's like...

939
00:43:04,124 --> 00:43:06,960
[making whooshing noise]

940
00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:08,420
The loudest, most obnox...

941
00:43:08,503 --> 00:43:09,504
[making whooshing noise]

942
00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:12,173
Luckily, our pilot would only do it
when I was talking.

943
00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:14,426
I'm like, "Girls, be care--"

944
00:43:14,509 --> 00:43:16,052
[makes whooshing sound]

945
00:43:17,012 --> 00:43:18,513
During the entire trip, I was like...

946
00:43:18,596 --> 00:43:19,848
[makes whooshing sound]

947
00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:22,642
And I thought the only thing worse
than hearing... [whoosh]

948
00:43:22,726 --> 00:43:25,270
during a balloon trip would be
not hearing it.

949
00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:34,446
I spent most of the trip looking down,

950
00:43:34,529 --> 00:43:36,197
wondering where we're gonna land,

951
00:43:36,281 --> 00:43:38,658
only seeing places I didn't want to land.

952
00:43:39,826 --> 00:43:43,455
A busy highway,
field of cactus, pack of wild dogs.

953
00:43:45,081 --> 00:43:47,667
We eventually landed
in an empty soccer field.

954
00:43:47,751 --> 00:43:49,586
We sat there for like ten minutes,

955
00:43:49,669 --> 00:43:52,505
and then this guy in this tiny car
drove up, beeped his horn.

956
00:43:52,589 --> 00:43:54,341
We got in. He drove away.

957
00:43:54,424 --> 00:43:57,093
Then I was like, "I don't even know
if he's with the balloon company."

958
00:43:57,177 --> 00:44:00,305
[laughter]

959
00:44:00,388 --> 00:44:01,848
There was a solid minute
when I was like,

960
00:44:01,931 --> 00:44:04,351
[scoffs] "I just volunteered
to be kidnapped."

961
00:44:04,434 --> 00:44:06,895
[laughter]

962
00:44:06,978 --> 00:44:08,813
I felt guilty 'cause
I had hurried my daughters.

963
00:44:08,897 --> 00:44:11,566
I was, "Come on, let's--
Don't leave the kidnapper waiting!"

964
00:44:11,649 --> 00:44:14,110
[laughter]

965
00:44:14,194 --> 00:44:16,738
Just imagine how I'd have
to explain it to my wife.

966
00:44:16,821 --> 00:44:18,365
She's like,
"How'd he force you in the car?"

967
00:44:18,448 --> 00:44:20,700
"Well, we just got in the car."

968
00:44:20,784 --> 00:44:22,452
[laughter]

969
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:23,703
"Did-- Did he have a weapon?"

970
00:44:23,787 --> 00:44:25,872
"Yeah. He had a horn."

971
00:44:25,955 --> 00:44:27,665
[laughter]

972
00:44:27,749 --> 00:44:29,667
But he drove us back to the balloon site.

973
00:44:29,751 --> 00:44:33,630
We got back in our filthy van.
We drove two hours back to our hotel.

974
00:44:33,713 --> 00:44:37,217
It was the most expensive,
inefficient trip I've ever taken my life.

975
00:44:38,134 --> 00:44:41,388
But my daughters loved it,
so I would do it all again.

976
00:44:41,471 --> 00:44:43,973
[rising applause]

977
00:44:44,057 --> 00:44:45,975
I'm kidding. I'd never do it again.

978
00:44:46,059 --> 00:44:47,894
[laughter]

979
00:44:47,977 --> 00:44:50,230
I do try to travel with my kids
whenever I can.

980
00:44:50,313 --> 00:44:52,399
I have five children, so it's not easy.

981
00:44:52,482 --> 00:44:55,652
But because of stand-up comedy,
I've been able to take my kids

982
00:44:55,735 --> 00:44:57,570
amazing places, amazing places.

983
00:44:57,654 --> 00:45:00,490
And during each of these trips,
there's always a moment

984
00:45:00,573 --> 00:45:02,742
when I look at my kids
and I have the same thought,

985
00:45:02,826 --> 00:45:04,702
"I could just leave 'em here."

986
00:45:04,786 --> 00:45:06,579
[laughter]

987
00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:08,206
'Cause it's too hard!

988
00:45:08,289 --> 00:45:10,583
It's way too hard to travel with kids.

989
00:45:10,667 --> 00:45:14,337
That's why every dad on vacation
looks like he lost a bet.

990
00:45:14,421 --> 00:45:16,256
[laughter]

991
00:45:16,339 --> 00:45:17,924
You ever see a Dad on vacation?

992
00:45:18,007 --> 00:45:19,759
They're so confused.

993
00:45:19,843 --> 00:45:21,177
They're always like...

994
00:45:21,261 --> 00:45:24,139
[laughter]

995
00:45:28,309 --> 00:45:29,978
Wait, is this my vacation?

996
00:45:30,061 --> 00:45:32,772
[laughter]

997
00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:34,023
But...

998
00:45:34,607 --> 00:45:36,609
But-- But I'm not having any fun.

999
00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:39,696
[laughter]

1000
00:45:39,779 --> 00:45:41,698
Occasionally,
you'll catch a dad on vacation

1001
00:45:41,781 --> 00:45:43,741
mumbling to himself.

1002
00:45:43,825 --> 00:45:45,869
He's just calculating expenses.

1003
00:45:48,037 --> 00:45:49,664
Six hundred times seven...

1004
00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:57,088
Could have bought a boat.

1005
00:45:57,172 --> 00:46:00,133
[laughter]

1006
00:46:00,216 --> 00:46:01,926
[cheers and applause]

1007
00:46:03,303 --> 00:46:04,679
Thank you.

1008
00:46:08,183 --> 00:46:10,727
Moms on vacation are usually happy,

1009
00:46:10,810 --> 00:46:13,271
mainly 'cause they know
the dad is suffering.

1010
00:46:15,064 --> 00:46:16,983
And that's why some marriages work.

1011
00:46:17,901 --> 00:46:21,237
Of course, we travel with our children
'cause they're our children.

1012
00:46:21,321 --> 00:46:24,032
There's no other reason
to travel with a child.

1013
00:46:25,867 --> 00:46:27,994
[deep voice] "You know what would
make this road trip epic?

1014
00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,662
A 4-year-old.

1015
00:46:29,746 --> 00:46:31,122
[laughter]

1016
00:46:31,206 --> 00:46:35,084
Me, you, Fat Tony
and an un-potty-trained 4-year-old.

1017
00:46:36,211 --> 00:46:38,379
It's going to be insane. Let's do it!"

1018
00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,173
[laughs]

1019
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,094
[normal voice]
That was almost frightening.

1020
00:46:46,387 --> 00:46:48,431
Sometimes when people find out
I have five kids,

1021
00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:50,308
they think I'm good at parenting,

1022
00:46:50,391 --> 00:46:54,812
which is kind of like assuming people
with lots of cats are not crazy.

1023
00:46:54,896 --> 00:46:56,689
[laughter]

1024
00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:59,859
I have no idea what I'm doing,
and there's no learning curve.

1025
00:46:59,943 --> 00:47:01,986
It's not like what
you learn from one child

1026
00:47:02,070 --> 00:47:04,197
you can apply to another one,
'cause kids are annoying.

1027
00:47:04,280 --> 00:47:06,199
They're like individual humans.

1028
00:47:07,617 --> 00:47:08,993
With their own interests.

1029
00:47:09,077 --> 00:47:10,411
I encounter this constantly.

1030
00:47:10,495 --> 00:47:12,789
I'm like, "All right,
you wanna play basketball?

1031
00:47:12,872 --> 00:47:16,042
You want to do parkour,
and you want to do karate?

1032
00:47:16,125 --> 00:47:18,586
Well, you're all doing basketball.

1033
00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:20,922
[laughter]

1034
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:23,216
'Cause this guy's only making one trip.

1035
00:47:24,968 --> 00:47:26,844
And if you don't like it,
you can blame your brother,

1036
00:47:26,928 --> 00:47:28,221
whatever his name is."

1037
00:47:28,304 --> 00:47:30,098
[laughter]

1038
00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:32,183
I do try. I try to be a good dad.

1039
00:47:32,267 --> 00:47:34,686
My wife and I,
we try to be good parents.

1040
00:47:34,769 --> 00:47:36,187
We try so hard.

1041
00:47:36,271 --> 00:47:38,022
Not that you'd be able to tell.

1042
00:47:39,190 --> 00:47:40,942
Like if you met one of my sons,
you might think,

1043
00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:43,486
"Oh, wow, Jim decided
not to parent this one.

1044
00:47:45,405 --> 00:47:47,156
What, did he feed him in a cage?"

1045
00:47:48,283 --> 00:47:53,204
We try-- we try to get our sons
to sit at a dinner table like humans.

1046
00:47:53,288 --> 00:47:54,831
It's not in their nature.

1047
00:47:55,832 --> 00:47:58,001
Eventually, all parents
ask themselves like,

1048
00:47:58,084 --> 00:48:00,169
"Am I having any impact at all?

1049
00:48:01,129 --> 00:48:03,131
Is it nature or nurture?"

1050
00:48:03,214 --> 00:48:06,092
You know-- You know, the parents of
NBA players are probably pretty confident.

1051
00:48:06,175 --> 00:48:07,510
"It was mostly us."

1052
00:48:08,303 --> 00:48:11,639
But, you know, the Dahmers were like,
"We had nothing to do with this."

1053
00:48:11,723 --> 00:48:13,933
[laughter]

1054
00:48:14,017 --> 00:48:16,561
Now, if you have young children,
you might think I'm being negative,

1055
00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:19,856
but if you have teenagers,
you're like, "Jim's being nice."

1056
00:48:19,939 --> 00:48:21,899
[laughter]

1057
00:48:21,983 --> 00:48:24,152
'Cause it's a different experience!

1058
00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:26,529
Like by round of applause,
who only has children

1059
00:48:26,613 --> 00:48:29,032
under the age of 5,
just under the age of 5?

1060
00:48:29,115 --> 00:48:31,284
-[light applause]
-Okay. You know nothing!

1061
00:48:31,367 --> 00:48:33,077
[laughter]

1062
00:48:33,161 --> 00:48:35,413
You live in a fantasy.

1063
00:48:35,496 --> 00:48:38,583
You're probably
not even fat or an alcoholic yet.

1064
00:48:38,666 --> 00:48:40,460
[laughter]

1065
00:48:40,543 --> 00:48:44,339
I know your life is hard,
but it's gonna get so much worse.

1066
00:48:44,422 --> 00:48:46,007
[cheers and applause]

1067
00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:50,136
Enjoy this brief period
when your children still like you.

1068
00:48:51,763 --> 00:48:54,474
Parenting is hard the entire time.

1069
00:48:54,557 --> 00:48:56,142
The task changes, though.

1070
00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:57,518
When you have a baby, you're like,

1071
00:48:57,602 --> 00:48:59,646
"This is the hardest thing
I've ever done,

1072
00:48:59,729 --> 00:49:01,773
but I would do anything for this baby."

1073
00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:05,109
And when you have a teenager, you're like,
"This is the hardest thing I've ever done,

1074
00:49:05,193 --> 00:49:07,445
but I don't want
to go to jail for murder."

1075
00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:10,782
[laughter]

1076
00:49:10,865 --> 00:49:12,867
Your experience may differ.

1077
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:18,414
Our real issue, the issue we face is,
we have too many kids.

1078
00:49:19,540 --> 00:49:20,708
We have too many kids,

1079
00:49:20,792 --> 00:49:24,045
but if I did anything about it now,
people would get so upset.

1080
00:49:24,128 --> 00:49:26,130
[laughter]

1081
00:49:26,214 --> 00:49:28,591
"How old is the fetus?"
"Seventeen years."

1082
00:49:31,844 --> 00:49:34,222
Five kids is a lot! It's a lot.

1083
00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:35,473
And my wife works so hard.

1084
00:49:35,556 --> 00:49:38,476
She works so hard
and I try to travel as much as I can.

1085
00:49:38,559 --> 00:49:40,520
[laughter]

1086
00:49:40,603 --> 00:49:41,688
There's always help.

1087
00:49:41,771 --> 00:49:43,189
We always have a babysitter or a helper,

1088
00:49:43,272 --> 00:49:45,274
and these people have
incredible backstories.

1089
00:49:45,358 --> 00:49:48,986
Often they've escaped from countries
with oppressive regimes and...

1090
00:49:49,070 --> 00:49:51,239
they're always sending
money back to help a relative.

1091
00:49:51,322 --> 00:49:53,324
And after they've worked
for us for a month,

1092
00:49:53,408 --> 00:49:55,076
they always come up
and say the same thing.

1093
00:49:55,159 --> 00:49:56,369
"I quit."

1094
00:49:58,955 --> 00:50:00,248
I'm like, "Do you need more money?"

1095
00:50:00,331 --> 00:50:02,250
And they're like,
"I'm going back to North Korea.

1096
00:50:04,919 --> 00:50:08,464
That place is like a vacation
compared to being around your family."

1097
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,136
Five kids is a lot!

1098
00:50:13,219 --> 00:50:14,762
My parents had six kids,

1099
00:50:14,846 --> 00:50:17,515
but it was easier back then
'cause they didn't care.

1100
00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:19,392
[laughter]

1101
00:50:19,475 --> 00:50:20,685
Six wasn't even that big.

1102
00:50:20,768 --> 00:50:24,772
We lived across from
a family that had 13 kids. Thirteen!

1103
00:50:24,856 --> 00:50:26,816
You never even saw the mother.

1104
00:50:28,109 --> 00:50:30,528
Occasionally,
there'd be a shadow in a window.

1105
00:50:31,487 --> 00:50:34,782
She was like Boo Radley.
We weren't sure if she even existed.

1106
00:50:37,076 --> 00:50:40,037
Eventually, I met the mother of 13,
and she was a sweet woman

1107
00:50:40,121 --> 00:50:42,540
who obviously hadn't slept in 40 years.

1108
00:50:43,791 --> 00:50:45,209
But she looked like a mom.

1109
00:50:45,293 --> 00:50:47,336
'Cause moms used to look like moms.

1110
00:50:47,420 --> 00:50:49,630
Now moms look like yoga teachers.

1111
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:55,178
Moms look like yoga teachers
and dad's look like yoga teacher stalkers.

1112
00:50:55,261 --> 00:50:57,513
[laughter]

1113
00:50:57,597 --> 00:51:01,058
When a dad can't find a mom,
he definitely sounds like a stalker.

1114
00:51:01,142 --> 00:51:03,060
He's like, "Where the hell is she?

1115
00:51:04,645 --> 00:51:06,564
I'm gonna kill that woman."

1116
00:51:08,232 --> 00:51:09,233
"Can I help you, sir?"

1117
00:51:09,317 --> 00:51:11,736
[scoffs] "It's my wife.
I'm gonna kill her."

1118
00:51:14,363 --> 00:51:17,116
But no matter what a parent looks like,

1119
00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:20,119
there's an unseen mental tax
that's been paid.

1120
00:51:21,162 --> 00:51:22,330
You know, like they did a study.

1121
00:51:22,413 --> 00:51:24,791
All those people that stormed
the capital on January 6th,

1122
00:51:24,874 --> 00:51:26,209
you know what they all had in common?

1123
00:51:26,751 --> 00:51:28,085
A teenager at home.

1124
00:51:28,169 --> 00:51:30,379
[laughter]

1125
00:51:31,464 --> 00:51:32,840
"Jim, that's cheap.

1126
00:51:34,050 --> 00:51:35,426
But I'll take it."

1127
00:51:37,970 --> 00:51:39,222
I'm tired. I'm always tired.

1128
00:51:39,305 --> 00:51:41,390
I know I come across as high energy.

1129
00:51:43,726 --> 00:51:46,813
I'm always tired, and I'm married
to a woman who never sleeps.

1130
00:51:46,896 --> 00:51:48,481
I don't know if anyone's
with a non-sleeper,

1131
00:51:48,564 --> 00:51:52,318
but if you attempt to get rest
with a non-sleeper, you appear selfish.

1132
00:51:53,152 --> 00:51:55,822
Every night my wife's like,
"Oh, you're going to bed?"

1133
00:51:57,198 --> 00:51:58,866
"It's 3:00 a.m."

1134
00:52:00,201 --> 00:52:02,078
"Oh, I thought you loved me."

1135
00:52:03,454 --> 00:52:05,498
"I do. Is there something
you need to tell me?"

1136
00:52:05,581 --> 00:52:06,833
"I'm tired!"

1137
00:52:08,209 --> 00:52:09,210
I'm always tired.

1138
00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:10,753
People think I'm hungover.

1139
00:52:10,837 --> 00:52:12,255
They're like,
"You tie one on last night?"

1140
00:52:12,338 --> 00:52:14,924
"No, this is just my body
trying to stay alive."

1141
00:52:16,425 --> 00:52:18,511
I've become one of those guys,
when I'm sitting in a chair,

1142
00:52:18,594 --> 00:52:20,805
and I go to get out of the chair,
people around me are like,

1143
00:52:20,888 --> 00:52:22,557
"I don't think
he's gonna be able to do it.

1144
00:52:24,100 --> 00:52:25,643
It's 50/50."

1145
00:52:26,561 --> 00:52:27,728
I have to make a plan.

1146
00:52:27,812 --> 00:52:30,022
"Throw your head forward,
wish for the best."

1147
00:52:31,232 --> 00:52:32,692
It affects what I wear.

1148
00:52:32,775 --> 00:52:34,777
I see people
in lace-up boots and I'm like,

1149
00:52:34,861 --> 00:52:38,489
"Never! How much free time
do you have?

1150
00:52:39,365 --> 00:52:41,117
What, do you have your own butler?"

1151
00:52:42,118 --> 00:52:43,369
Eventually, my wife was like,

1152
00:52:43,452 --> 00:52:45,621
"We should find out
why you're so tired," and I'm like,

1153
00:52:45,705 --> 00:52:47,123
"I think it's you."

1154
00:52:49,375 --> 00:52:52,461
So she had me call our doctor,
who's really our pediatrician.

1155
00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:55,423
And she's a great doctor.

1156
00:52:55,506 --> 00:52:57,300
She gave me this at-home sleep study.

1157
00:52:57,383 --> 00:53:01,095
So I slept one night with a mask on,
and I dropped it off at her office,

1158
00:53:01,178 --> 00:53:02,555
and she called a couple weeks later.

1159
00:53:02,638 --> 00:53:04,515
And she was like, "Jim,
we should talk through these results."

1160
00:53:04,599 --> 00:53:06,058
I'm like, "Sure."
She goes, "Well, first of all,

1161
00:53:06,142 --> 00:53:08,227
you have to understand,
millions of people

1162
00:53:08,311 --> 00:53:10,396
suffer from sleep apnea,

1163
00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:12,189
but you're just a lazy sack."

1164
00:53:12,273 --> 00:53:14,066
[laughter]

1165
00:53:14,150 --> 00:53:15,902
What a relief.

1166
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:17,361
There's nothing wrong with me.

1167
00:53:17,445 --> 00:53:19,071
My body's just a lemon.

1168
00:53:21,157 --> 00:53:24,076
My fantasy is that when I die
after I die,

1169
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:27,371
they'll discover that I had
Lyme disease the entire time.

1170
00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:30,625
Like the medical community
will gather around, and be like,

1171
00:53:30,708 --> 00:53:34,045
"He's the most productive
Lyme diseaser ever."

1172
00:53:36,297 --> 00:53:39,050
Everyone loves a quality
Lyme disease joke.

1173
00:53:40,801 --> 00:53:44,430
I think it's interesting how things that
shouldn't be funny end up being funny.

1174
00:53:45,097 --> 00:53:47,266
Like, my wife has
a slight swallowing disorder.

1175
00:53:47,350 --> 00:53:48,559
Doesn't sound like it'll be funny.

1176
00:53:48,643 --> 00:53:51,938
And judging from some of your faces,
"Don't go there, Jim."

1177
00:53:52,021 --> 00:53:54,523
[laughter]

1178
00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:56,317
It's just a slight swallowing disorder,

1179
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:58,027
and she has it
'cause she had a brain tumor.

1180
00:53:58,110 --> 00:53:59,695
You guys are like,
"Red flag number two."

1181
00:53:59,779 --> 00:54:02,031
[laughter]

1182
00:54:02,114 --> 00:54:04,367
It's just a slight--
just when she eats like bread or pizza,

1183
00:54:04,450 --> 00:54:06,118
it sounds like she's choking,
but she's not.

1184
00:54:06,202 --> 00:54:09,080
That's just how she gets it down.
It's not a big deal.

1185
00:54:09,163 --> 00:54:11,332
It's something we've gotten used to.

1186
00:54:11,415 --> 00:54:12,875
I try not to draw attention to it.

1187
00:54:12,959 --> 00:54:14,794
I mean, I am bringing it up in my show.

1188
00:54:16,921 --> 00:54:18,965
It's not a big deal,
until we go out to eat,

1189
00:54:19,048 --> 00:54:22,009
and then I look like
the worst human on earth.

1190
00:54:22,093 --> 00:54:23,177
'Cause my wife's like...

1191
00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:24,595
[making gagging sound]

1192
00:54:24,679 --> 00:54:26,055
And I'm like, "This is good soup, huh?"

1193
00:54:26,138 --> 00:54:27,723
[vocalizing eating]

1194
00:54:29,058 --> 00:54:30,226
The waiters like, "Is she all right?"

1195
00:54:30,309 --> 00:54:31,936
"I'm surprised, she had a brain tumor."

1196
00:54:32,019 --> 00:54:33,688
[laughter]

1197
00:54:33,771 --> 00:54:35,564
[vocalizing eating]

1198
00:54:35,648 --> 00:54:37,066
Probably looks like
I'm trying to kill her.

1199
00:54:37,149 --> 00:54:39,235
I'm like, "You got and other stuff
she could choke on?

1200
00:54:40,778 --> 00:54:43,364
I just bought her
some of that life insurance stuff."

1201
00:54:48,577 --> 00:54:50,705
Recently, my nine-year-old
came up and asked me, he goes,

1202
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:52,957
"Hey, Dad, what is white trash?"

1203
00:54:54,583 --> 00:54:56,627
And I was like,
"Well, what do you want to know?"

1204
00:54:56,711 --> 00:54:59,505
And he goes, "Well, Mom said
your family's white trash."

1205
00:54:59,588 --> 00:55:02,883
[laughter]

1206
00:55:02,967 --> 00:55:04,427
"Well, she's not lying."

1207
00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:07,555
But he really,
he really wanted to know.

1208
00:55:07,638 --> 00:55:09,598
He's like, "What is white trash?
What is it?"

1209
00:55:09,682 --> 00:55:12,059
And I was like,
"Well, it's a problematic term,

1210
00:55:12,143 --> 00:55:14,812
"but essentially,
it means you have relatives

1211
00:55:14,895 --> 00:55:17,523
that call cheddar cheese fancy cheese."

1212
00:55:17,606 --> 00:55:18,816
[laughter]

1213
00:55:18,899 --> 00:55:21,318
"Oh, someone wants
fancy cheese on their burger.

1214
00:55:21,402 --> 00:55:23,487
"Coming right up, Your Highness.

1215
00:55:23,571 --> 00:55:25,740
[laughter]

1216
00:55:25,823 --> 00:55:29,035
It looks like we got
an imported beer drinker amongst us."

1217
00:55:31,662 --> 00:55:33,706
You ever have a moment
where you feel like you're high class,

1218
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:36,333
like you hang around fancy people
and you're like, "I got a couple of things

1219
00:55:36,417 --> 00:55:38,210
in common with these people."

1220
00:55:38,294 --> 00:55:40,379
And then you hang around
trashy people and you're like,

1221
00:55:40,463 --> 00:55:42,548
"I got a lot in common
with these people."

1222
00:55:42,631 --> 00:55:44,550
[laughter]

1223
00:55:44,633 --> 00:55:46,343
I didn't grow up dirt poor or anything,

1224
00:55:46,427 --> 00:55:49,805
but when I was 9 years old,
I did collect beer cans.

1225
00:55:50,347 --> 00:55:53,851
That's what I did for fun
when I was nine.

1226
00:55:53,934 --> 00:55:57,229
You know, 9-year-olds today
will play on an iPad for hours.

1227
00:55:57,313 --> 00:56:00,024
I did that, but with garbage.

1228
00:56:00,107 --> 00:56:01,567
[laughter]

1229
00:56:01,650 --> 00:56:04,070
And I would find these beer cans
walking home from school,

1230
00:56:04,153 --> 00:56:06,530
which tells you how nice the town was.

1231
00:56:07,656 --> 00:56:09,533
And I didn't bring 'em
to a recycling center.

1232
00:56:09,617 --> 00:56:13,079
I put him on a shelf
in my bedroom like trophies.

1233
00:56:14,121 --> 00:56:15,915
And I had parents, too.

1234
00:56:16,707 --> 00:56:17,875
I don't know what they were thinking.

1235
00:56:17,958 --> 00:56:21,128
"Oh, God, he's bringing strangers'
empties in the house."

1236
00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:23,672
"He'll be fine."

1237
00:56:24,924 --> 00:56:26,717
I forgot about that beer can collection.

1238
00:56:26,801 --> 00:56:29,428
I was thinking, if I had it today,
do you know how much it'd be worth?

1239
00:56:29,512 --> 00:56:30,679
Nothing.

1240
00:56:31,847 --> 00:56:35,059
Because it was garbage
collected by a child.

1241
00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,978
I wasn't a bright kid.

1242
00:56:38,062 --> 00:56:39,939
I remember in fifth grade,
I had a teacher

1243
00:56:40,022 --> 00:56:42,066
who left halfway through the year,
and she was amazing.

1244
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:43,901
So I wrote her a thank-you note,

1245
00:56:43,984 --> 00:56:46,612
and I showed my mom
and my mom started laughing.

1246
00:56:46,695 --> 00:56:49,156
'Cause I didn't end the letter
with "thank you" or "sincerely."

1247
00:56:49,240 --> 00:56:51,158
I just put "Good riddance."

1248
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:52,868
[laughter]

1249
00:56:52,952 --> 00:56:55,830
But I thought that was a positive thing.

1250
00:56:55,913 --> 00:56:57,832
Like I was being
Shakespearean or something.

1251
00:56:57,915 --> 00:57:00,209
"Good riddance, my lady.

1252
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:04,797
Don't let the door
hitteth your ass on the way outeth."

1253
00:57:05,923 --> 00:57:07,967
It's not like I've gotten any smarter.

1254
00:57:08,050 --> 00:57:09,552
You ever hear someone use a word,

1255
00:57:09,635 --> 00:57:11,470
and you don't know
the meaning of the word,

1256
00:57:11,554 --> 00:57:15,933
but instead of looking the word up,
you just start using the word yourself?

1257
00:57:16,600 --> 00:57:18,102
I do that all the time.

1258
00:57:18,185 --> 00:57:20,729
"Yeah, the traffic out there
is like a cudgel."

1259
00:57:22,523 --> 00:57:24,775
My wife's always there like,
"Is that the meaning of cudgel?"

1260
00:57:24,859 --> 00:57:26,402
"It is now."

1261
00:57:27,695 --> 00:57:28,821
Of course, if we were in a group,

1262
00:57:28,904 --> 00:57:30,614
my wife wouldn't say anything, right,

1263
00:57:30,698 --> 00:57:33,909
'cause when you're in a relationship,
there's an unspoken agreement.

1264
00:57:33,993 --> 00:57:35,995
When your significant other starts talking

1265
00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:39,415
out their ass in public,
you just go along.

1266
00:57:40,624 --> 00:57:43,836
Everyone in a relationship has heard
their partner say something in public,

1267
00:57:43,919 --> 00:57:46,755
and they thought,
"Well, that never happened."

1268
00:57:46,839 --> 00:57:49,049
[laughter]

1269
00:57:49,133 --> 00:57:51,302
But you know what's
more important than the truth?

1270
00:57:51,385 --> 00:57:53,137
Not being in an argument.

1271
00:57:55,222 --> 00:57:57,016
Rest in peace, truth.

1272
00:57:57,099 --> 00:58:02,104
[cheers and applause]

1273
00:58:03,939 --> 00:58:07,067
I grew up in northwest Indiana,
which is part of the Rust Belt.

1274
00:58:08,152 --> 00:58:10,654
If you're unfamiliar, Rust Belt,

1275
00:58:10,738 --> 00:58:14,033
Rust Belt is a cute, catchy term
to describe an area

1276
00:58:14,116 --> 00:58:16,285
of economic devastation.

1277
00:58:17,620 --> 00:58:19,163
Rust Belt.

1278
00:58:20,456 --> 00:58:22,291
I remember the first time
I brought my wife home.

1279
00:58:22,374 --> 00:58:25,628
She looked around, and she was like,
"My God, what happened here?"

1280
00:58:26,503 --> 00:58:28,589
And I was like, "They fixed it up.

1281
00:58:28,672 --> 00:58:30,549
[laughter]

1282
00:58:30,633 --> 00:58:32,760
"Used to be beer cans everywhere.

1283
00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:35,721
I heard we're getting a bell tower."

1284
00:58:35,804 --> 00:58:37,640
[laughter]

1285
00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:39,642
There were some nice parts,

1286
00:58:39,725 --> 00:58:41,977
but we've all been
to cities and towns like that,

1287
00:58:42,061 --> 00:58:45,231
where every building looks like
it was designed by Stalin.

1288
00:58:46,440 --> 00:58:48,525
You kind of want to go up
to the town leaders and go,

1289
00:58:48,609 --> 00:58:51,153
"Hey, before you kick
all the gay people out,

1290
00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:53,989
"let them fix things up a little bit.

1291
00:58:55,407 --> 00:58:58,118
They tend to have some creative ideas."

1292
00:58:59,328 --> 00:59:02,248
I feel like I grew up in a place
unlike anywhere.

1293
00:59:02,331 --> 00:59:04,291
Like, the first time I went fishing

1294
00:59:04,375 --> 00:59:06,293
was in the community
swimming pool.

1295
00:59:07,628 --> 00:59:11,382
Every September,
they would fill the public pool with fish,

1296
00:59:11,465 --> 00:59:14,635
and then kids from the town
would try and catch the fish

1297
00:59:14,718 --> 00:59:17,096
before the chlorine killed the fish.

1298
00:59:17,179 --> 00:59:18,806
[laughter]

1299
00:59:18,889 --> 00:59:21,725
I've been telling this
to people my entire adult life,

1300
00:59:21,809 --> 00:59:23,727
expecting someone to be like,
"Yeah, we did that too."

1301
00:59:23,811 --> 00:59:25,145
Not a soul.

1302
00:59:25,229 --> 00:59:27,147
[laughter]

1303
00:59:27,231 --> 00:59:28,565
[chuckles]

1304
00:59:29,275 --> 00:59:31,568
It's like a prank was played on me.

1305
00:59:35,531 --> 00:59:38,033
Just bought a new cell phone,
just bought a new cell phone,

1306
00:59:38,117 --> 00:59:41,620
which means the new version
should be released very shortly.

1307
00:59:42,788 --> 00:59:43,914
I never time it right.

1308
00:59:43,998 --> 00:59:45,666
Whenever I buy a phone,
the next week,

1309
00:59:45,749 --> 00:59:47,668
people are like, "Oh, yeah,
they released a new version.

1310
00:59:47,751 --> 00:59:49,545
The one you bought is now free."

1311
00:59:49,628 --> 00:59:54,258
[laughter]

1312
00:59:54,341 --> 00:59:55,676
And these phones are not cheap.

1313
00:59:56,343 --> 00:59:58,512
We've become numb
to the price of these cell phones.

1314
00:59:58,595 --> 01:00:01,432
"Wow, that's how much I spent
on my engagement ring.

1315
01:00:02,558 --> 01:00:05,394
Well, then again, I don't look
at that on the toilet, do I?"

1316
01:00:08,147 --> 01:00:09,648
We're such suckers!

1317
01:00:09,732 --> 01:00:11,400
They overcharge us for the phone,

1318
01:00:11,483 --> 01:00:14,111
and then they upsell us
on all the accessories, like,

1319
01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:16,989
"That new phone you just bought,
you got a case for it?"

1320
01:00:17,072 --> 01:00:19,658
"It-- It doesn't come with a case."

1321
01:00:19,742 --> 01:00:22,661
"I've got one right here,
five thousand dollars.

1322
01:00:22,745 --> 01:00:23,746
[laughter]

1323
01:00:23,829 --> 01:00:25,914
You got insurance?"
"For a phone?"

1324
01:00:25,998 --> 01:00:27,082
"Oh, you need insurance.

1325
01:00:27,166 --> 01:00:29,418
God forbid something happens
to your pretty new phone."

1326
01:00:30,586 --> 01:00:33,464
"What would happen?"
"I'd smack it out of your hands."

1327
01:00:36,383 --> 01:00:38,719
There's pressure
to get a new phone, right?

1328
01:00:38,802 --> 01:00:42,056
There's that manufactured
old phone shame.

1329
01:00:42,139 --> 01:00:44,350
We've all been there.
You know, like, "I got the iPhone 7."

1330
01:00:44,433 --> 01:00:46,060
"What a loser.

1331
01:00:47,019 --> 01:00:49,271
"Where'd you get that,
the Smithsonian?

1332
01:00:50,189 --> 01:00:53,025
Does the camera
on that phone use film?"

1333
01:00:55,277 --> 01:00:56,737
And that's the only thing
they improve on

1334
01:00:56,820 --> 01:00:58,197
the phone is the camera, right?

1335
01:00:58,280 --> 01:01:00,574
And then they try and convince us
we need the new phone.

1336
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,409
They're like,
"Oh, this new phone's unbelievable.

1337
01:01:02,493 --> 01:01:04,411
"It's got four lines.
There's five million megapixels.

1338
01:01:04,495 --> 01:01:06,413
You can shoot a feature film."

1339
01:01:06,497 --> 01:01:09,166
"Uh, I just need to text my wife."

1340
01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:11,085
[laughter]

1341
01:01:11,168 --> 01:01:12,878
"You should do a movie about that."

1342
01:01:14,129 --> 01:01:16,673
The cameras
on our phones are so advanced,

1343
01:01:16,757 --> 01:01:18,550
it's gotten to the point
where when you see someone

1344
01:01:18,634 --> 01:01:20,928
with a regular camera, just a camera,

1345
01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:22,971
they look so out of place.

1346
01:01:23,639 --> 01:01:26,809
You're like, "Is that-- Is that guy
part of a Civil War reenactment?"

1347
01:01:30,896 --> 01:01:33,941
The value of a photo is,
has changed, too.

1348
01:01:34,024 --> 01:01:36,026
I get emails from my kids' schools.

1349
01:01:36,110 --> 01:01:38,946
They're like, "Would you like to order
your child's school portrait?"

1350
01:01:39,029 --> 01:01:40,406
I'm like, delete.

1351
01:01:40,489 --> 01:01:42,699
[laughter]

1352
01:01:42,783 --> 01:01:45,702
The last thing any parent needs

1353
01:01:45,786 --> 01:01:48,247
is more photos of their children.

1354
01:01:49,623 --> 01:01:50,707
School should just offer,

1355
01:01:50,791 --> 01:01:53,627
"Hey, we'll come over
and delete half your photos."

1356
01:01:55,379 --> 01:01:56,797
I'd pay for that.

1357
01:01:58,298 --> 01:02:00,175
'Cause that's what
we use our phones for.

1358
01:02:00,259 --> 01:02:02,928
For photos, emails, directions...

1359
01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:04,680
Anything but talking.

1360
01:02:04,763 --> 01:02:08,267
When my phone rings, I'm like,
"Wow, that's obviously not for me."

1361
01:02:08,350 --> 01:02:10,436
[laughter]

1362
01:02:10,519 --> 01:02:11,895
I don't talk on my phone.

1363
01:02:12,771 --> 01:02:13,897
Growing up, there was a commercial

1364
01:02:13,981 --> 01:02:16,358
where people would just call
and say, "I love you."

1365
01:02:16,442 --> 01:02:18,110
Can you imagine if that happened today?

1366
01:02:18,193 --> 01:02:19,695
"I just wanted to call
and say I love you."

1367
01:02:20,696 --> 01:02:22,030
"What, are you suicidal?

1368
01:02:22,114 --> 01:02:23,615
[laughter]

1369
01:02:23,699 --> 01:02:25,993
"Don't call me and say
weird crap like that.

1370
01:02:28,036 --> 01:02:29,955
Text me and ask if I can chat."

1371
01:02:32,166 --> 01:02:35,544
But the worst are the people that try
to Facetime you out of the blue.

1372
01:02:36,545 --> 01:02:38,297
You feel like they're breaking
in your house.

1373
01:02:38,380 --> 01:02:39,673
[screams]

1374
01:02:40,591 --> 01:02:43,218
"What do I do?
I haven't showered yet."

1375
01:02:43,302 --> 01:02:44,344
[laughter]

1376
01:02:44,428 --> 01:02:45,679
All right, you guys have been a delight.

1377
01:02:45,762 --> 01:02:47,097
Thank you so much.

1378
01:02:47,181 --> 01:02:49,475
[cheers and applause]

1379
01:02:51,435 --> 01:02:53,854
Thank you so much.
I really had a great time.

1380
01:02:53,937 --> 01:02:55,105
Thank you so much.

1381
01:02:55,189 --> 01:02:58,192
[♪ "Carol of the Bells"
plays over speakers]

1382
01:02:58,275 --> 01:03:01,069
[cheers and applause continue]

1383
01:03:14,249 --> 01:03:17,669
[♪ "Carol of the Bells" continues]