1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,696 (traditional Indian music playing) 4 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,130 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,644 (in Hindi) We should have put Maya into Bharatanatyam dancing. 6 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,938 She could have followed in my footsteps. 7 00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,025 (in English) Yes. That's why I had children. 8 00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:08,693 So they could be just like my mom. 9 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:10,070 (in Hindi) Shut up. 10 00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:13,990 JESS: Yo, Maya, get your ass over here. 11 00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:17,911 We're up next, bitches. 12 00:01:17,994 --> 00:01:20,538 All right, listen up, fuckers. 13 00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:22,374 You and Sohan enter from the back curtain. 14 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,875 Derek and I will be on the side. 15 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:26,169 - (grunting) - Derek, you good? What the fuck? 16 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,505 My pants are too big, and I just learned the dance. 17 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:31,257 No one was expecting Jamal to twist his weak-ass ankle, okay? 18 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,009 We didn't have time to alter the damn costume, bro. 19 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,512 Jess, chill. We're gonna crush it. 20 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,764 One, two... 21 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,724 - ALL: Melanin Mafia! - (Sohan whoops) 22 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:40,684 - JESS: All right. - Let's fucking go. 23 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,143 Let's go, Derek. 24 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,937 Goddamn, I miss Jamal. 25 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:47,482 (in Hindi) You know every movement means something. 26 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:49,234 It's a story. 27 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,861 ♪ ♪ 28 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,739 (in English) Look, she's offering two mangoes to the king. 29 00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,994 (sighs) 30 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,498 Hey. Show me your boobs. 31 00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,001 What? No. 32 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,544 Come on. We've still got a few minutes left. 33 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,879 Besides, it'll help me relax. 34 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,425 Okay, fine. 35 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,677 Only if you show me your thing, too. 36 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,721 - Fine. - (pants unzip) 37 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,180 On the count of three. 38 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:22,100 BOTH: One, two, three. 39 00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,101 (Maya gasps) 40 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:25,729 What a big, strong snake. 41 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,522 Holy shit. 42 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,191 What's it doing? 43 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:31,276 (moaning) 44 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:38,450 - Oh, my eye! - Fuck. I'm-I'm sorry. 45 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,118 You jizzed in my fucking eyeball! 46 00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:41,244 Pull up your pants. 47 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,872 I can't. They're stuck. Help me! 48 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:46,082 Spin. No, the other way. 49 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,709 Ah, shit. I can't do it, Jess. 50 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,338 - Pull it up. - (moans): Oh, fuck. 51 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,714 Whoa! 52 00:02:52,797 --> 00:02:53,965 Again? 53 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,592 I'm gonna fuck you up! 54 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,344 - JESS: Spin. - DEREK: Fuck these pants. 55 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,179 - Ah! Watch out, idiot! - Fuck! 56 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:05,101 - (music stops) - (crowd gasping, murmuring) 57 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,730 ♪ ♪ 58 00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,065 (gasping) 59 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,609 Yeah, that's my boy, Sohan! 60 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,736 (crowd murmuring, shouting) 61 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:17,530 Maya? 62 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,200 BOTH: What a slut. 63 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:22,494 Way to get eye-fucked, loser! 64 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,830 No wonder my sexual journey has been so fucked up. 65 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:30,001 What did I do in a past life to deserve a daughter like you? 66 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,253 It's all that "Sailor Moon" you're watching, 67 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,297 with her miniskirts and hooker friends! 68 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,132 When I was your age, 69 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,968 I wouldn't even dream of talking to boys. 70 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,137 And now you're out in public having... 71 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,972 I wasn't having sex. 72 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,933 (gasps) Oh. 73 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,810 - What did you say? - "Sex"? 74 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,020 Where are you learning this language? 75 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,480 What would people say about you? 76 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,857 (in Hindi) What do you expect? 77 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,526 (in English) She was born in a country 78 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:55,944 that has bigger butts than brains. 79 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,029 We should all go back to India. 80 00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:01,157 (in Hindi) Where she can learn proper discipline. 81 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,786 Raj and I worked so hard to come here and give her a better life. 82 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,705 (in Hindi) Yes, and now Raj is living his better life 83 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,164 with another woman. 84 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,000 (in English) If she doesn't learn better, 85 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,502 (in Hindi) she'll end up with someone just like her father. 86 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:15,463 (in Hindi) You're right. 87 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,549 What? 88 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,676 (upbeat Indian pop music playing) 89 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,975 ♪ ♪ 90 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:27,976 (tires squealing) 91 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,278 ♪ ♪ 92 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,630 What's "M.A.S.H."? 93 00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:59,341 - (sharp thump) - (girls gasp) 94 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,971 You want to have three kids with Leonardo DiCaprio, huh? 95 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,057 You must think you're very hot. 96 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,892 Let's see how much you like the heat. 97 00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,270 ♪ ♪ 98 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:29,537 You will stay here until all your dirty thoughts melt away. 99 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:41,424 ♪ ♪ 100 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:55,021 Mmm, I want all 11 of Hrithik Roshan's fingers 101 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:56,523 to touch me. 102 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,608 Three thumbs, three holes. 103 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,527 How is it three? 104 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:01,695 (girls giggle) 105 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,863 (gasps) What is this garbage? 106 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,283 Girls shouldn't be watching this. 107 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,411 ♪ ♪ 108 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,972 ♪ ♪ 109 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:40,233 You have to be very careful now. 110 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,405 Extra careful. 111 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,532 ♪ ♪ 112 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,383 This means you can get pregnant (fingers snap) like this now. 113 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:07,093 If you even look at a boy, 114 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,763 his sperm can enter your body through your eyes. 115 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,848 Wait, through your eyes? 116 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,021 (gasps) 117 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,148 ♪ ♪ 118 00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,364 (panting) 119 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:32,452 (in Hindi) Do you still want boys to touch your body? 120 00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,871 - No, ma'am. - (in English) Good. 121 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,289 (sighs) 122 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,334 MAYA (voice-over): So, for the next 15 years, 123 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,586 I stopped focusing on getting that "D," 124 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,589 and instead focused on getting straight A's. 125 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,763 With three fancy degrees, learning how to cook four different subjis 126 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,557 and a plan for the future, I was ready to go back to America. 127 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,267 VEENA: This feels like a mistake. 128 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,061 You're a computer engineer, 129 00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,688 and your plan is to beg for money? 130 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,439 I was so close to being proud. 131 00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,566 It's not begging. It's called fundraising. 132 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,403 And again, Mom, you do not have to come with me. 133 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,572 - I'm an adult. - What kind of mother would I be 134 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:13,034 if I let my single daughter roam around the world by herself like an orphan? 135 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,662 One that respects boundaries? 136 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,081 - Don't make up words, Maya. - Mm. 137 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:24,379 (in Hindi) If you think this is what's best, I accept it. 138 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:29,634 Just remember that I am old and will probably die soon. 139 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,594 (speaking Hindi) 140 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,555 (in English) Safe flight. 141 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:36,182 ♪ ♪ 142 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,600 (tires squealing) 143 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,946 (grunting) 144 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,614 Fuck! Shit! 145 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:54,117 - MAYA: I'm back, Jess. - (whoops) 146 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,495 It has literally been 900 years. 147 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,205 Tell me everything, okay? The truth. 148 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,583 Not that bullshit you post on Instagram. 149 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:05,378 Okay, I just fact-checked my 300th article for "The Wall Street Journal," 150 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,463 but the real tea is 151 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,299 I've been dating this girl, Tonya, for two weeks. Oh. 152 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,217 You know I don't kiss and tell 'cause that's tacky. 153 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,094 - Totally. - But she's a DJ, 154 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:17,265 and she has been remixing my pussy like fucking Tiësto. 155 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,768 Just like, "Oh, oh, oh." 156 00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,644 (imitates record scratching) 157 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:22,771 I can barely walk. 158 00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,356 (laughs) 159 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:27,776 Wait, do you still call your... you know, Garfield? 160 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:30,236 The most iconic kitty on the block? Hell yes. 161 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,738 And they're both grumpy on Mondays. 162 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,573 - (laughs) - Now you go. Tell me everything. 163 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,450 Oh, I mean, there are so many things I could tell you. 164 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,411 Uh... Ooh, ooh. I don't get that weird eczema 165 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:39,746 on my knee anymore. Remember that? 166 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,206 Uh, what else? 167 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,541 I think I'm allergic to chickpeas. 168 00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,585 Bitch, what? 169 00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:47,420 Eczema and chickpeas? 170 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,506 Tell me some juicy India stories. 171 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,424 Have you been boning any young Hasan Minhajs? 172 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,176 (laughs) 173 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:56,638 No. No, no, no. I haven't... I haven't been boning anyone. 174 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:59,224 - Like... - Like ever, yet. 175 00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,476 You're still a virgin? 176 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,228 - Shut up. - Holy shit, Maya. 177 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,354 That's weird. 178 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,147 I know. I'm so embarrassed. 179 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,066 I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me. 180 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,193 Didn't you tell me you were hooking up 181 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,945 with some guy from your computer science class? 182 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,029 I lied. 183 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,489 Oh, yeah. 184 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,449 - Do you like that? - Mm-hmm. 185 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:20,328 (moaning) You're so strong! You're so strong! 186 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,330 MAYA (voice-over): Unless 30 seconds of dry humping counts. 187 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,332 I probably only went to his house because, deep down, 188 00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,709 I knew nothing would happen. 189 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,211 - Do you hear that? - What? 190 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,672 (raspy voice): "Help! Help me!" 191 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:33,049 (normal voice): That's your pussy. She's got dry throat. 192 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,094 It's like a desert in there. (raspy voice): "Give me a glass of water." 193 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,512 (normal voice): I've got an idea. 194 00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,222 I'm gonna make it my mission to give you 195 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,558 every experience you missed out on in high school. 196 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,893 - Really? - High school bucket list. 197 00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,438 (raspy voice): "Help!" 198 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,732 (Maya groans) 199 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,445 - Are you hungover? - No. 200 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:55,488 - I have allergies. - If your grandma were here, 201 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,449 we'd be heading back to India right now. 202 00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,409 (chuckles) At this rate, I should really sign up 203 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:02,412 for frequent flyer miles. Thank you. 204 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,080 I know what I did was extreme, 205 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,000 but I still think I did what was best for you. 206 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,460 And for me. 207 00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:10,462 Hey, I'm just happy to be back. 208 00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,464 I mean, come on, you must have missed America, too. 209 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,758 Weren't you lonely just hanging out with Nani all the time? 210 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,676 In India, I was lonely and hot. 211 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,804 In America, I'm lonely and fat. 212 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:23,224 Well, maybe you should find somebody to be lonely with. 213 00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,684 Maya, I was already married once. 214 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,145 That's it. Women my age don't go hopping 215 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,272 - from relationship to relationship. - Whatever. 216 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,900 I'll just sell my app for millions of dollars 217 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,861 so you can fill that hole in your heart with a Lamborghini. 218 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,202 RECEPTIONIST: He'll see you now. 219 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,787 - BEAR: Big results! Big results! - (Bradley grunting) 220 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,748 Shit. Uh... uh... Am I interrupting? 221 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:49,459 You got eight minutes. Let's go. 222 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,795 (grunting continues) 223 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,381 Uh... Okay. 224 00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,466 I think you'll agree that a lot of American parents 225 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,884 are concerned with what their teenagers 226 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,511 - are consuming online because... - (back cracking) 227 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,179 - Get that ass down! - (Bradley straining) 228 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,223 That's tight. That's tight. That's tight. 229 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,350 Why not put control back into parents' hands 230 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,143 with my app, Screen Better? 231 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,521 Don't just take your kids' phone away. 232 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,731 Take Jake Paul away from their phone. 233 00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:14,359 Did you catch your son trying to fuck an old DVD, too? 234 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,070 No. Ow. No, I-I don't have any kids. 235 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:19,114 Why'd you make the app, then? (groans) 236 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,616 I went to high school in India where I learned discipline, 237 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:23,284 - but before that, I... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. 238 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,662 Well, how can you build a product that protects American teenagers 239 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,081 when you don't know what it's like to be an American teenager? 240 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:28,998 Uh... 241 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,542 - Beast mode! - Ah! 242 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,128 Fuck! (grunts) 243 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:35,755 Aw, it couldn't have been that bad. Come on. 244 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:37,632 No. I mean, maybe he's right. 245 00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:40,385 No, I'm not the right person to make this app. 246 00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:43,722 No, you just need quality time with your demo. 247 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,306 Maybe you should get a job at a high school. 248 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:46,224 What? 249 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,977 No, I'm an entrepreneur. I'm not supposed to have a job. 250 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,396 Plus, I don't have a teacher's license. 251 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,023 I worked on this article. Turns out, 252 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,983 you don't need to be certified to work with kids. 253 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,776 Substitute teachers, tutors. 254 00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,111 It's kind of fucked up, actually. 255 00:12:58,194 --> 00:12:59,612 - Really? - Yeah. 256 00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:00,613 Repeat after me. 257 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,033 I'm not a little bitch. 258 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,868 I am not a little bitch! 259 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,661 Good, 'cause I got a surprise for you. 260 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,580 - What? - (imitates bell): Ding. 261 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:11,583 - Uh... - For your pussy. 262 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,376 Okay. (chuckles) 263 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,087 Start on a low setting. It gets kind of crazy. 264 00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:17,464 Here's the thing. 265 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,507 I don't know if I've ever, like... 266 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:23,345 - Never? Damn, girl. - (sighs) 267 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:24,804 Do you use one? 268 00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:27,349 Yes. Of course. I've got like seven of those. 269 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,142 - Oh. - But not lately 270 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:32,187 'cause Tonya and I have been fucking like two times a day. 271 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:35,565 By the way, we are IG official. 272 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,692 - Holy shit! That was fast! - Mm-hmm. 273 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,986 - Congrats, dude. - Thank you. 274 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,322 - Also, holy shit, two times a day? - It's so much. 275 00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:44,574 Yeah, dude, like, how often do you shower? 276 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,243 Not enough. Keep the windows down. 277 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,871 I am exhausted. I'm taking supplements. 278 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,956 - (vibrator buzzing) - MAYA: (sighs) Okay. 279 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,515 (inhales deeply) 280 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,558 Okay. 281 00:14:10,642 --> 00:14:11,685 (sighs) 282 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,978 VEENA: Maya, come! Come! Come! 283 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,189 - (gasps) Wh-What, Mom? - VEENA: Come for breakfast! 284 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,108 - (sighs) - (buzzing stops) 285 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,946 (sighs) 286 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,032 (Farhad and Veena speaking indistinctly) 287 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,037 VEENA: Yes, please. Oh, perfect. 288 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:32,872 Thank you so much, Farhad. 289 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,833 - FARHAD: Right here? Okay. - Right there. Thank you. 290 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,668 - (Veena chuckles) - There we go. (grunts) 291 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,170 Oh, this is my daughter Maya. (chuckles) 292 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:41,172 She was supposed to build the next Google, 293 00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:42,924 but now she wants to be a half-teacher. 294 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:44,926 Always a self-esteem boost, Mom. 295 00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:47,053 - Farhad lives two doors down. - Yes. 296 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,430 Mm. And now he's moving in? 297 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:52,017 Shut up. Farhad was kind enough to bring the delivery in 298 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,728 because the driver left it in the driveway. 299 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,438 Mom, I told you to get white glove service. 300 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:58,565 I tell you what, the next time you get delivery, 301 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,984 I wear white gloves, you give me $50. 302 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,277 Oh! (laughing) 303 00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:06,197 Oh, thank you so much, Farhad. 304 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,699 It's my pleasure. 305 00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,200 Can I get you a cup of tea? 306 00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:11,327 FARHAD: Eh... No, no, no. 307 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,996 I really should get to the office, 308 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,248 but, uh, maybe I can take a rain check? 309 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:18,668 (laughs): Oh. First $50, and now he wants a check, too? 310 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:20,587 (Farhad and Veena laughing) 311 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,881 FARHAD: Your ma's very funny. 312 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,758 - Very nice to meet you. - Thank you so much. 313 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,343 - FARHAD: Bye-bye. - Bye-bye, now. 314 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,261 See you. 315 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:30,972 MAYA: That was... 316 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:33,391 ...interesting. 317 00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:34,976 (scoffs) 318 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,771 So, what's your plan? 319 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:41,649 Mm. Well, I submitted my résumé to a few recruitment websites, 320 00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,651 and I already have a bunch of interviews. 321 00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,487 Hmm. 322 00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,115 Interview. I have one interview. 323 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,867 - (scoffs) - ♪ Just watch us slay ♪ 324 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:55,497 ♪ Slay, slay, slay Just watch us slay ♪ 325 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,291 ♪ Slay, slay, slay ♪ 326 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:01,711 ♪ And though them hoes can drop it really low ♪ 327 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,254 ♪ Just watch us slay ♪ 328 00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,632 ♪ Slay, slay, slay ♪ 329 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:08,301 ♪ 'Cause I'm badder than a millionaire... ♪ 330 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,719 Principal Fletcher's office? 331 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,513 - Through that door. - Thank you. 332 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,556 ♪ Slay, slay, slay... ♪ 333 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,141 FLETCHER (voice-over): Maya, come on in. 334 00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:17,102 - (song ends) - I'm gonna level with you. 335 00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:20,230 We've been given a mandate to ensure that our staff 336 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,482 is at least 30% diverse. 337 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:25,568 Currently, we're at four percent, 338 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,238 even with Mr. Brown, who apparently is white. 339 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,323 Diverse or not, we're completely understaffed. 340 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,950 - Uh... - No one wants to be a teacher. 341 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:33,702 So, unless you're a pedophile, 342 00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:36,746 - I'm inclined to hire you. - Okay. 343 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,582 That was very straightforward. Uh, not a pedophile. 344 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,751 - Great. - But I would like to be a tutor. 345 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,004 Tutors don't count towards our total diversity numbers, 346 00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:45,880 so I really hate that idea. 347 00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:50,051 What I need is someone like you to be a substitute teacher. 348 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:51,469 Wow. 349 00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,639 Someone like me is just gonna skip right over being offended 350 00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,474 because that actually works out kind of perfectly. 351 00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:57,976 - Great. - Yeah, and the great news is 352 00:16:58,059 --> 00:16:59,436 you don't have to worry because computer science 353 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,812 is like my second language. 354 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,814 Oh, no, I have something different in mind for you. 355 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:03,982 Oh. 356 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:08,820 MAYA (voice-over): Hello, everyone. 357 00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:11,031 I'm Ms. Singh, and I'll be teaching... 358 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,826 - ...sex ed. - NATHANIEL: Sick. 359 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,953 - Hot sex ed teacher. - Sweet. 360 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,830 Okay, even though that's true, that's not appropriate. 361 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,999 If I get a boner during class, do I get extra credit? 362 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,083 (laughter) 363 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,377 Please don't listen to him. He can't keep his mouth shut. 364 00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:25,962 We're working on it. 365 00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:28,298 You wouldn't have to work on my mouth. It does all the work for you. 366 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,758 - (class oohing) - MAYA: Okay, stop that. 367 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,301 Uh, let's begin. 368 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,678 An STD is a sexually transmitted disease. 369 00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:37,891 There are a number of them, some of which can be very harmful. 370 00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:40,393 You could die. And be dead. 371 00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:42,437 Ms. Singh, we know what STDs are. We're not stupid. 372 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,815 - Yeah, Jason's mom gave me herpes. - (laughter) 373 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,776 The only person who should be entering you is Jesus. 374 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:49,861 Okay, okay, let's pay attention, all right? 375 00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,113 Um, who can name some forms of contraception? 376 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,532 - Abstinence. - Having Kyle's face? 377 00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:56,368 - (laughter) - I have an IUD. 378 00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,745 Okay. Well, cranberry juice helps with that. 379 00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,121 - Did you know that? - IUD. 380 00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:02,332 - Not a UTI. - (students chuckling) 381 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,792 No, no, I knew that. 382 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:05,168 Are you even qualified to teach us? 383 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:06,836 - Yes. - KYLE: I've probably had 384 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,046 - more sex than you. - (laughter) 385 00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:11,091 Okay, whoa. That is not true. 386 00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:14,260 Oh, shit. Ms. Singh is "sing-le." 387 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:16,137 (laughter) 388 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,891 - (shouts) - (laughter) 389 00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,351 I can't teach this class. 390 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,645 - Why not? - Have you met your students? 391 00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,146 They belong on reality TV. 392 00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,648 Listen, I know they're a bunch of pricks, 393 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,525 but they need the guidance more than anyone. 394 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:33,154 Yeah, I'm more of an HTML kind of girl than an STD kind of girl. 395 00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:35,281 Why can't you be both? I know plenty of slutty smart people. 396 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,868 It's a simple abstinence-based program 397 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,413 prescribed by the state. Just stick to the curriculum. 398 00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:43,123 I'm sure it's the same crap you learned in high school. 399 00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:47,002 Mm-hmm. I don't know. 400 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:48,753 (upbeat music playing outside) 401 00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:52,257 So, we good? 402 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,384 (upbeat dance music playing) 403 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,011 JESS (voice-over): How are you gonna teach sex ed 404 00:18:56,094 --> 00:18:57,846 when you've never had sex before? 405 00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,223 It's not like history teachers fought in the Civil War, okay? 406 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:03,351 Plus, the curriculum is about abstinence. I'm a pro at that. 407 00:19:03,435 --> 00:19:07,272 Yeah, well, maybe you can learn with the students. 408 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:10,233 Don't learn on the students, you creepy virgin. 409 00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,485 Ooh, maybe you can learn on him. 410 00:19:15,238 --> 00:19:17,907 No, I can't. He's not even dressed in 2000s gear. 411 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:20,160 I could never date a guy who can't follow a theme. 412 00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:23,038 Who said anything about dating? Dating requires a commitment. 413 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:26,791 Which, by the way, Tonya and I said "I love you" yesterday. 414 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,251 - Already? - Yeah. 415 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:29,753 Do you have terminal cancer or something? 416 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,588 No, that's just me. But for you, 417 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,715 you just need to have fun. And it's perfect. 418 00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,508 It's 2000s night. 419 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,802 You just pretend this is like a high school house party 420 00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:40,013 and he's your lab partner or some shit. 421 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,598 - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. 422 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,475 - Yeah. Yeah, okay. - Yeah. You got this. 423 00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:44,768 You know what? I'm just gonna have fun. 424 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:45,852 - Yeah. - Right now. 425 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:49,314 Wait, before you go, check it out. Boom. 426 00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,983 You've been iced, bitch! 427 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:53,401 You're holding a beer. 428 00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:55,070 - Okay, whatever. - What are you, color-blind? 429 00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:56,446 Yeah, I'm color-blind. 430 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,239 You're my favorite white friend. 431 00:19:58,323 --> 00:19:59,783 Get on one knee and chug it anyway. 432 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,576 Aw... (scoffs) 433 00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:02,911 You got this. 434 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:05,246 - Come on. Yes! - (groans) I can't do it. 435 00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:06,831 - I can't do it. - You can do it. 436 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,416 (yells) 437 00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:09,834 High... 438 00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,753 school... bucket... 439 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,505 (high-pitched): list! 440 00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:15,507 - (chuckles) - Holy shit. 441 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,133 I'm gonna have diarrhea. 442 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,177 Well, pair that diarrhea with an orgasm. 443 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,345 Get over there, girl. 444 00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:29,437 Oh, hi. (chuckles) 445 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:30,855 I'm Maya. 446 00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:33,942 Do you want to be my... lab partner? 447 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:36,653 Fuck yeah. 448 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,738 (panting) 449 00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,577 - Uh, I haven't been to the gym. - (sniffing) 450 00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,454 Ah, you smell like cookies. 451 00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,415 - I had them for lunch. - Mmm. 452 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:52,961 Mommy. 453 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:54,754 (Kevin moans) 454 00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:56,464 (baby talk): Are you my mommy? 455 00:20:56,548 --> 00:20:58,591 - I need some milk. Mmm. - Uh... 456 00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,802 You want to see my little baby wiener? 457 00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,930 Uh, I'm sure it's bigger than a baby wiener. 458 00:21:04,014 --> 00:21:05,974 No, it's so tiny. 459 00:21:06,057 --> 00:21:08,309 - Okay. - My little baby wiener 460 00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:11,187 wants back inside that nice, warm cave. 461 00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,564 Not this warm cave. (chuckles nervously) 462 00:21:12,647 --> 00:21:15,984 Yeah, a little umbilical cord connected both of us. 463 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,571 I remember, I was in my embryo, in my amniotic sack. 464 00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:21,614 - That's not... No. - I've been bad. 465 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:24,909 Make me jizz in my little diaper. 466 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:27,537 Shit. Okay. Um, you know, why don't... 467 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,456 why don't you just use your lips to kiss me? 468 00:21:29,539 --> 00:21:31,249 Right here, okay? 469 00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,542 Yeah. 470 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,461 (both moaning softly) 471 00:21:34,544 --> 00:21:35,587 Yeah. 472 00:21:36,671 --> 00:21:39,132 Extra careful. 473 00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:40,342 (groans) 474 00:21:42,177 --> 00:21:43,386 Mommy! 475 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:44,888 VEENA (in distance): Yes, Maya? 476 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:47,724 - Uh, sorry, Mom! Nothing! - (shudders) 477 00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,436 Is that your real mom? 478 00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:52,854 Do you think that she would want to join us? 479 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:55,231 Because a grandma would really take this to the next level. 480 00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:57,817 You should go. 481 00:21:57,901 --> 00:21:59,277 ♪ ♪ 482 00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:02,906 ♪ Where my girls at? Where my girls at? ♪ 483 00:22:04,115 --> 00:22:05,992 - ♪ Where my girls at? ♪ - (school bell rings) 484 00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:07,994 ♪ Where my, where my girls at? ♪ 485 00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:11,122 - ♪ Where my girls at? Yeah ♪ - MADISON: Hi, Ms. Singh. 486 00:22:11,206 --> 00:22:12,665 - ♪ Where my girls at? ♪ - (song ends) 487 00:22:12,749 --> 00:22:14,084 Abbey, hi. Hi. 488 00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:16,503 Um, would you like to join the... 489 00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:21,675 Hi. Would you like to join the Abstinence Club? 490 00:22:21,758 --> 00:22:23,677 - What? - We're recruiting students 491 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,221 to join our mission in promoting school-wide abstinence. 492 00:22:26,304 --> 00:22:27,389 Would you like to join? 493 00:22:27,472 --> 00:22:28,640 I've had sex with eight people. 494 00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:30,934 Including your dad. 495 00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:36,648 - Nathaniel Johnson? - Here. 496 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:38,400 Okay, great. 497 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,235 Um, Abbey... 498 00:22:41,403 --> 00:22:42,570 ...Ho? 499 00:22:42,654 --> 00:22:43,905 Yup. Here. 500 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,200 Oh. Okay. Good for you guys. 501 00:22:48,451 --> 00:22:49,494 What do you mean? 502 00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:53,081 Oh. Well, I mean... 503 00:22:53,164 --> 00:22:54,290 (chuckles) You know. 504 00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:57,085 Are you laughing because her last name is Ho? 505 00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,254 No! No, no, no. Of course not. 506 00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:00,922 No, I'm not laughing. I just... 507 00:23:01,006 --> 00:23:02,799 I honestly expected everybody else to laugh. 508 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,384 Why would we do that? 509 00:23:05,510 --> 00:23:08,013 - Her last name is Ho. - Okay, wow. 510 00:23:08,096 --> 00:23:09,764 Okay, well, I'm glad you're all so mature. 511 00:23:09,848 --> 00:23:11,683 All right. And, Abbey, for the record, 512 00:23:11,766 --> 00:23:13,768 I know plenty of Asian Hos. 513 00:23:13,852 --> 00:23:15,353 (laughter) 514 00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:17,772 Okay, moving on to today's lesson. 515 00:23:17,856 --> 00:23:20,483 Uh, we are going to role-play. 516 00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:22,235 - Babe, pretend to be my stepsister. - (laughter) 517 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,946 Why does everyone want to have sex with their family? 518 00:23:25,030 --> 00:23:26,990 No, not that kind of role-play. 519 00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:29,200 You're gonna be acting out these lines 520 00:23:29,284 --> 00:23:32,412 to learn the severity of pregnancy. 521 00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:35,749 All right. There you go. Okay. 522 00:23:35,832 --> 00:23:38,043 "When I first found out that I was pregnant, 523 00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:40,337 I started getting scared because of the pain." 524 00:23:41,338 --> 00:23:44,549 KYLE: "I can get her ice cubes to make her feel more comfortable. 525 00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:47,135 I am a young, naive man." 526 00:23:48,011 --> 00:23:49,888 Two weeks later. 527 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:56,936 "Ow, ow, ow. I wish I never had sex. 528 00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:59,773 Please make it stop. Ow, ow, ow." 529 00:23:59,856 --> 00:24:01,733 "There's so much blood!" 530 00:24:02,817 --> 00:24:05,153 ABBEY: "This is gonna take 36 hours. 531 00:24:05,236 --> 00:24:07,238 You may never walk again." 532 00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:10,116 "I think my kidney is falling out." 533 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,326 "It is." 534 00:24:13,161 --> 00:24:14,871 Seriously, Ms. Singh, what the hell is this? 535 00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,874 (chuckles) 536 00:24:17,957 --> 00:24:19,042 Uh... 537 00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:21,378 ♪ ♪ 538 00:24:22,587 --> 00:24:23,797 (sighs) 539 00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:31,346 (sighs) 540 00:24:33,306 --> 00:24:35,433 Oh. (chuckles) 541 00:24:35,517 --> 00:24:37,894 Hi. I'm Linda Smeighton, 542 00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:40,063 Teacher of the Year three years in a row. 543 00:24:40,146 --> 00:24:41,690 Oh, wow. (chuckles) 544 00:24:41,773 --> 00:24:45,360 I'm Maya, the new sex ed teacher for the first time. 545 00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:46,945 (laughs) The substitute. 546 00:24:47,028 --> 00:24:48,905 - Yeah. - Oh, that's so fun. 547 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:52,534 Now, I hate to be a stickler for the rules, 548 00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:54,577 but technically the teachers' lounge 549 00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:57,539 - is for teachers only. - But I am a teacher. 550 00:24:57,622 --> 00:25:01,376 But you're not technically a teacher, right? You're a substitute. 551 00:25:01,459 --> 00:25:03,586 We can't just let anybody in here. 552 00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:05,630 It's a capacity issue. It's not safe. 553 00:25:05,714 --> 00:25:07,215 Oh... 'kay. 554 00:25:08,133 --> 00:25:10,301 Oh, I didn't realize 555 00:25:10,385 --> 00:25:13,513 - it was tight in here... - And I have dibs on that mug. 556 00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:14,931 Number one teacher, that's me. 557 00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:17,392 - (chuckles) Well... - (coffee pours) 558 00:25:17,475 --> 00:25:18,810 I'm sure I'll be seeing you around, 559 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,854 just not in this lounge, okay? 560 00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:24,482 (Linda laughs) 561 00:25:27,944 --> 00:25:29,821 You know, honey, if it makes you feel any better, 562 00:25:29,904 --> 00:25:31,573 I usually put laxatives in her coffee, 563 00:25:31,656 --> 00:25:34,576 and then I take all the toilet paper out of the teachers' restroom. 564 00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:36,995 That does make me feel better. Thank you. 565 00:25:37,662 --> 00:25:39,664 I'm Barb. I don't wear underwear. You? 566 00:25:39,748 --> 00:25:41,958 Oh. Uh, I do. 567 00:25:42,042 --> 00:25:43,501 - Oh, no, honey, your name. - Oh. Maya. 568 00:25:43,585 --> 00:25:45,545 - That's good to know, though. - Okay. Yeah. 569 00:25:45,628 --> 00:25:47,213 - (school bell rings) - Oh, I got to go. 570 00:25:47,297 --> 00:25:49,716 It's sloppy joe day, and I got to prep the "meat." 571 00:25:51,343 --> 00:25:52,177 Don't eat it. 572 00:25:53,970 --> 00:25:55,263 Bye. 573 00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:05,482 - Oh. - Oh. (chuckles) Sorry. 574 00:26:05,565 --> 00:26:07,108 It's okay. It's actually a push. 575 00:26:07,984 --> 00:26:09,235 Oh. 576 00:26:09,319 --> 00:26:11,112 So that's why it says "Push" on it. 577 00:26:11,196 --> 00:26:13,156 (chuckles) Uh... 578 00:26:13,907 --> 00:26:16,242 - At your service. - Thank you. 579 00:26:16,326 --> 00:26:19,287 I'll be sure to leave you a positive Yelp review. 580 00:26:19,371 --> 00:26:22,499 (chuckles) No need. Us Asians, we got to stick together. 581 00:26:22,582 --> 00:26:25,085 Chances are you're the only staff member 582 00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:27,295 who can properly pronounce my name. 583 00:26:27,379 --> 00:26:30,799 Really? Well, I mean, I'm a pretty different kind of Asian, but I'll try. 584 00:26:30,882 --> 00:26:32,300 What's your name? 585 00:26:32,384 --> 00:26:34,678 I was bluffing. It's Alex. (chuckles) 586 00:26:34,761 --> 00:26:37,806 "Alax"? "Allux"? 587 00:26:38,723 --> 00:26:40,183 I'm Maya. I'm new. 588 00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:41,643 Oh, no way. Me, too. 589 00:26:41,726 --> 00:26:42,936 What are you teaching, Maya? 590 00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:45,063 Uh... sex ed. 591 00:26:45,146 --> 00:26:46,189 Awesome. 592 00:26:46,898 --> 00:26:48,358 I teach computer science. 593 00:26:48,441 --> 00:26:50,318 I know. Nerd alert. 594 00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:54,739 - (school bell rings) - Well, uh, I'll be seeing you around. 595 00:26:54,823 --> 00:26:56,324 Was it... 596 00:26:57,450 --> 00:26:58,451 ..."May-ah"? 597 00:26:58,535 --> 00:26:59,619 (Alex chuckles) 598 00:26:59,703 --> 00:27:00,995 Nailed it. (chuckles) 599 00:27:02,330 --> 00:27:04,708 ♪ ♪ 600 00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:11,715 ♪ Easy feeling, let go whenever I want... ♪ 601 00:27:11,798 --> 00:27:13,591 I'm coming up all grays over here. 602 00:27:13,675 --> 00:27:15,969 JESS: Mmm. "Vivid." 603 00:27:16,553 --> 00:27:18,763 - Son of a bitch. Double V's? - (laughs) 604 00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:20,432 - Speaking of double V's... - Mm. 605 00:27:20,515 --> 00:27:21,975 ...I introduced Tonya to my parents. 606 00:27:22,684 --> 00:27:25,520 Goddamn! You're gonna have a ring on your finger 607 00:27:25,603 --> 00:27:26,813 before I even give a hand job. 608 00:27:26,896 --> 00:27:28,314 What about that dude from the club? 609 00:27:28,398 --> 00:27:29,399 Mm-mm. 610 00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:31,443 - He wanted me to play mommy. - Ew. 611 00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:35,155 I love a good kink, but the whole guys and the "mommy" thing? No. 612 00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:36,865 But I did meet this cute guy at school, 613 00:27:36,948 --> 00:27:38,324 and honestly, he's such a daddy. 614 00:27:38,408 --> 00:27:39,451 Okay, why are you still talking? 615 00:27:39,534 --> 00:27:41,161 Show me his Insta. 616 00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:42,662 - Okay. - It's a sleepover. 617 00:27:42,746 --> 00:27:45,582 - Come on. - Ooh. Yes. 618 00:27:45,665 --> 00:27:47,542 - MAYA: He's cute, right? - So cute. 619 00:27:47,625 --> 00:27:50,170 - MAYA: Go, Allux. - What are you, 12? 620 00:27:50,253 --> 00:27:52,547 - Zoom in on his dick. - What? No! 621 00:27:52,630 --> 00:27:55,383 He's wearing gray sweatpants. That's practically begging for it. 622 00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:57,761 - MAYA: Don't. Oh, my goodness. - JESS: Okay, see his outline? 623 00:27:57,844 --> 00:27:59,471 Holy shit, you can. What a fucking slut. 624 00:27:59,554 --> 00:28:02,807 JESS: Okay, fuck it up! 625 00:28:02,891 --> 00:28:05,185 Gray sweatpants and he can cook? I might suck his dick. 626 00:28:05,268 --> 00:28:06,936 - Watch this. - (camera clicks) 627 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:09,773 - For you to enjoy later. - Okay, stop. 628 00:28:09,856 --> 00:28:11,399 But I'm just gonna be super chill. 629 00:28:11,483 --> 00:28:13,109 Like, whatever, casual. 630 00:28:13,193 --> 00:28:15,111 No over-the-top flirting. 631 00:28:15,195 --> 00:28:17,697 - (whistle blows) - MAYA: Nice balls! 632 00:28:19,908 --> 00:28:21,034 What? 633 00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,661 Uh, soccer. 634 00:28:23,745 --> 00:28:25,955 - Oh. (laughs) Yeah. - Yeah. 635 00:28:26,039 --> 00:28:27,665 I feel like such a fraud coaching soccer. 636 00:28:27,749 --> 00:28:29,209 I don't know anything about it. 637 00:28:29,292 --> 00:28:31,503 Oh, I can't imagine the feeling. 638 00:28:31,586 --> 00:28:33,088 LINDA: Oh. 639 00:28:33,713 --> 00:28:35,882 Of course you two are friends. 640 00:28:36,591 --> 00:28:37,759 Hi, Linda. 641 00:28:37,842 --> 00:28:41,471 It's probably super hard fitting in sometimes when you're different. 642 00:28:41,554 --> 00:28:44,516 Well, actually, right now, you're the minority. 643 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:48,687 You know, I don't personally like to categorize people by their skin color, 644 00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:50,522 but to each their own. 645 00:28:50,605 --> 00:28:53,316 Right. I'll, uh, see you both inside. 646 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,736 Oh, so you got the good parking space today, huh, Maya? 647 00:28:56,820 --> 00:28:59,823 - Yeah, it was open. - This is technically my space. 648 00:28:59,906 --> 00:29:03,243 Really? 'Cause there wasn't technically a sign. 649 00:29:03,326 --> 00:29:04,536 Oh, it probably fell down. 650 00:29:04,619 --> 00:29:07,497 Wow, really? 'Cause I didn't see one on the ground either anywhere. 651 00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:09,124 Well, I've been parking here for years. 652 00:29:09,207 --> 00:29:10,458 - Well, it's a free country. - You know what? 653 00:29:10,542 --> 00:29:14,004 I'll be sure to put another sign up in both English and Hindu. 654 00:29:14,087 --> 00:29:16,548 That would be great. Just make sure it says, 655 00:29:16,631 --> 00:29:18,925 "Reserved for Scott Pilgrim with tits." 656 00:29:19,509 --> 00:29:21,094 Have a great day. 657 00:29:26,349 --> 00:29:27,684 You, too. 658 00:29:33,481 --> 00:29:35,900 - Do I have to? - Yes. 659 00:29:35,984 --> 00:29:39,654 Getting high in the backwoods is peak high school. 660 00:29:39,738 --> 00:29:42,157 Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull. Let go of your thumb. 661 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,533 (chuckles) 662 00:29:43,616 --> 00:29:46,661 - (coughing) - Good girl. 663 00:29:46,745 --> 00:29:48,747 Ugh. It smells horrible, dude. 664 00:29:48,830 --> 00:29:49,998 Tonya hates the smell, too. 665 00:29:50,081 --> 00:29:52,917 Oh, by the way, we started a podcast together. 666 00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:55,170 You're podcast official? 667 00:29:55,253 --> 00:29:57,964 Dude, that's some serious shit. 668 00:29:58,048 --> 00:30:00,592 - When you know, you know. - (laughs) 669 00:30:01,301 --> 00:30:03,303 MAYA: Dude, what other high school staples did I miss out on? 670 00:30:03,386 --> 00:30:04,220 Hmm. 671 00:30:04,304 --> 00:30:05,305 - Mix CDs. - (chuckles) 672 00:30:05,388 --> 00:30:07,349 That was, like, the truest sign of love. 673 00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:10,810 Aw, fuck. I can't believe I missed mix CDs with you. 674 00:30:10,894 --> 00:30:13,730 JESS: I have a CD player in my car. That shit still slaps. 675 00:30:13,813 --> 00:30:15,065 Hey, what about sex ed? 676 00:30:15,815 --> 00:30:18,193 I mean, you couldn't call what we had sex ed. 677 00:30:18,276 --> 00:30:20,695 It was just Mr. Turner, the gym teacher, 678 00:30:20,779 --> 00:30:23,615 using a bunch of food analogies willy-nilly. 679 00:30:23,698 --> 00:30:26,242 Like, "Women have eggs, 680 00:30:26,326 --> 00:30:29,454 "and when you mix the eggs with the man's yogurt, 681 00:30:29,537 --> 00:30:32,123 that bakes a baby." (chuckles) 682 00:30:32,207 --> 00:30:33,917 - (laughing) - I still think about it 683 00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,627 every time I eat a fucking parfait. 684 00:30:35,710 --> 00:30:37,712 That is so messed up. 685 00:30:37,796 --> 00:30:39,631 Half the schools in the state don't teach sex ed. 686 00:30:39,714 --> 00:30:41,299 It's crazy. 687 00:30:41,383 --> 00:30:42,467 Really? 688 00:30:43,551 --> 00:30:44,552 Yep. 689 00:30:45,178 --> 00:30:48,390 I don't know. Maybe I have an opportunity here. 690 00:30:48,473 --> 00:30:52,894 Like, I didn't learn anything about sex or sexuality till college. 691 00:30:52,977 --> 00:30:54,437 I didn't even know I was gay till I bought, 692 00:30:54,521 --> 00:30:56,564 like, my tenth Kristen Stewart poster. 693 00:30:56,648 --> 00:30:58,233 The first nine, I was like: 694 00:30:58,316 --> 00:30:59,693 - ♪ Straight little girl ♪ - (laughing) 695 00:30:59,776 --> 00:31:02,070 ♪ I'm as straight as can be ♪ 696 00:31:02,153 --> 00:31:04,864 ♪ Hoop earrings and a long dress for me ♪ 697 00:31:04,948 --> 00:31:08,493 The tenth, I was like, "Dyke mode activated." 698 00:31:08,576 --> 00:31:11,496 You're right. This class is just pure scare tactics. 699 00:31:11,579 --> 00:31:15,458 It's not like I'm teaching them anything that'll help them understand themselves. 700 00:31:15,542 --> 00:31:18,086 It doesn't help that I don't know shit about shit. 701 00:31:18,712 --> 00:31:20,797 Okay. I have an idea. 702 00:31:21,631 --> 00:31:23,842 Let me show you some sex ed, you stoner. 703 00:31:24,551 --> 00:31:26,428 ♪ Clear the way ♪ 704 00:31:26,511 --> 00:31:28,221 ♪ Time to slay ♪ 705 00:31:28,304 --> 00:31:30,223 ♪ I'm way too fine to be M.I.A. ♪ 706 00:31:30,306 --> 00:31:31,850 To catch his unborn kids. 707 00:31:31,933 --> 00:31:33,935 ♪ It's your stage ♪ 708 00:31:34,019 --> 00:31:35,812 ♪ Do it your way... ♪ 709 00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:38,732 Missionary. Cowgirl. 710 00:31:38,815 --> 00:31:39,899 Doggy style. 711 00:31:39,983 --> 00:31:41,109 Gang bang! 712 00:31:41,192 --> 00:31:43,236 - Fuck no! - I mean, no. 713 00:31:43,319 --> 00:31:44,571 - Definitely no. - (retching) 714 00:31:44,654 --> 00:31:46,531 But yes for some people. 715 00:31:46,614 --> 00:31:48,199 (mouth full): You got to be sex positive. 716 00:31:48,283 --> 00:31:49,367 ♪ Twerk it, how to do it ♪ 717 00:31:49,451 --> 00:31:51,119 ♪ Work it like a queen ♪ 718 00:31:51,202 --> 00:31:52,746 ♪ Do your, do your thing ♪ 719 00:31:52,829 --> 00:31:54,831 ♪ Work it like a queen ♪ 720 00:31:54,914 --> 00:31:57,542 ♪ Let them feel that energy ♪ 721 00:31:57,625 --> 00:32:00,086 ♪ Work it like a queen, work it ♪ 722 00:32:01,379 --> 00:32:03,548 ♪ Mm-uh, work it ♪ 723 00:32:04,799 --> 00:32:07,552 ♪ Ooh-uh Work it like a queen ♪ 724 00:32:07,635 --> 00:32:09,554 ♪ Do your, do your thing ♪ 725 00:32:09,637 --> 00:32:11,264 ♪ Work it like a queen ♪ 726 00:32:11,348 --> 00:32:12,974 ♪ Let them feel that ener-- ♪ 727 00:32:13,058 --> 00:32:15,143 - (song ends) - (school bell rings) 728 00:32:15,226 --> 00:32:16,644 I should go home. 729 00:32:16,728 --> 00:32:18,688 Before my mom calls your mom. 730 00:32:18,772 --> 00:32:21,608 Shit. Now you got to go home 731 00:32:21,691 --> 00:32:23,818 and pretend not to be stoned in front of your mom. 732 00:32:23,902 --> 00:32:25,695 That's another bucket list item. 733 00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:28,740 (both laughing) 734 00:32:28,823 --> 00:32:30,158 FARHAD: I'm not used to this spice. 735 00:32:30,241 --> 00:32:31,576 - My eyes are watering. - Oh, really? 736 00:32:31,659 --> 00:32:32,952 - Okay, I'm gonna try. - You must try. 737 00:32:33,036 --> 00:32:34,579 But try the big one. You must like it. 738 00:32:34,662 --> 00:32:36,831 - You sure not too hot? - No, it's not spicy. Not at all. 739 00:32:36,915 --> 00:32:39,626 - How is it? - (laughs) My God. 740 00:32:39,709 --> 00:32:41,961 - (laughing) - What are you doing to me? 741 00:32:42,045 --> 00:32:44,047 VEENA: Oh, you must have some tea. It will help. 742 00:32:44,130 --> 00:32:47,008 - FARHAD: How do you eat this? - White gloves! 743 00:32:47,092 --> 00:32:49,219 - What's going on? - Hello. 744 00:32:49,302 --> 00:32:51,763 Caught Farhad heading to the grocery store 745 00:32:51,846 --> 00:32:53,682 because he ran out of ginger. I told him not to be silly. 746 00:32:53,765 --> 00:32:54,891 FARHAD: It's true. 747 00:32:54,974 --> 00:32:56,726 VEENA: Because we never run out. 748 00:32:56,810 --> 00:32:58,353 - Fascinating. - FARHAD: Had I known 749 00:32:58,436 --> 00:32:59,771 my poor planning would have resulted in 750 00:32:59,854 --> 00:33:02,357 this delicious chai and lovely company, 751 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,110 I would have been disorganized much sooner. 752 00:33:05,193 --> 00:33:06,486 (Farhad chuckles) 753 00:33:11,324 --> 00:33:13,284 Well, it's getting late. 754 00:33:13,368 --> 00:33:15,537 - I should be making dinner for Maya. - Oh... 755 00:33:15,620 --> 00:33:18,248 Oh, don't worry about it. I'm not even hungry. 756 00:33:18,331 --> 00:33:20,959 Don't be silly. Have a good night. 757 00:33:21,042 --> 00:33:23,253 FARHAD: Uh, okay. (clears throat) Of course. 758 00:33:23,336 --> 00:33:25,547 (clears throat) Very nice to see you again. 759 00:33:25,630 --> 00:33:27,882 Bye. Don't forget your ginger. 760 00:33:27,966 --> 00:33:28,967 - Thank you. - Enjoy that. 761 00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:30,260 I'll let you know how everything goes. 762 00:33:30,343 --> 00:33:31,886 VEENA: Oh, okay. Good night. Thank you for coming. 763 00:33:31,970 --> 00:33:33,304 FARHAD: Good night. Thank you so much. 764 00:33:33,388 --> 00:33:34,639 (door closes) 765 00:33:36,599 --> 00:33:39,185 - Uh, Mom? - Hmm? 766 00:33:39,269 --> 00:33:41,813 I think Farhad was, like, flirting with you. 767 00:33:41,896 --> 00:33:44,899 (clicks tongue, scoffs) What nonsense. 768 00:33:44,983 --> 00:33:47,569 He wanted ginger, so I gave him ginger. 769 00:33:47,652 --> 00:33:49,821 - That's it. - Yeah. 770 00:33:49,904 --> 00:33:52,157 He wanted your ginger all right. (snorts) 771 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:53,575 (Maya chuckles) 772 00:33:53,658 --> 00:33:55,035 What do you mean, my "ginger"? 773 00:33:55,118 --> 00:33:56,870 You know, like your... 774 00:33:56,953 --> 00:33:58,663 ginger spice. 775 00:33:58,747 --> 00:34:00,957 - (Maya laughs) - (scoffs) 776 00:34:01,041 --> 00:34:02,709 Don't talk about ginger that way. 777 00:34:03,543 --> 00:34:04,627 (Veena sighs) 778 00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:07,297 What kind of woman do you think I am? Hmm? 779 00:34:07,380 --> 00:34:09,924 You think I would be hanging out with random men? 780 00:34:12,135 --> 00:34:14,429 Mom, there's nothing wrong with enjoying somebody's company. 781 00:34:14,512 --> 00:34:16,014 - Chill. - There was no company. 782 00:34:16,097 --> 00:34:18,475 - It was just ginger. - Got it. 783 00:34:19,976 --> 00:34:22,520 I should go, uh, prep. 784 00:34:22,604 --> 00:34:24,397 - Mm-hmm. - For my class. 785 00:34:25,315 --> 00:34:26,358 It's, uh, computer science. 786 00:34:26,441 --> 00:34:27,734 (Maya clears throat) 787 00:34:27,817 --> 00:34:29,152 (whispers): Ginger spice. (laughs) 788 00:34:29,235 --> 00:34:31,863 Get... get out, you dirty girl. 789 00:34:34,449 --> 00:34:35,825 ♪ ♪ 790 00:34:37,118 --> 00:34:38,495 Hey, what's good? 791 00:34:38,578 --> 00:34:40,705 - (woman moaning on phone video) - Wow. 792 00:34:40,789 --> 00:34:42,374 Very impressive work. 793 00:34:42,457 --> 00:34:46,086 (laughs) Go Super Saiyan on that thing, baby! 794 00:34:46,169 --> 00:34:47,712 - Thank you. - No! Oh. 795 00:34:48,963 --> 00:34:50,799 Ms. Singh, that's... 796 00:34:50,882 --> 00:34:53,009 that's my emotional support porn. 797 00:34:54,052 --> 00:34:56,054 This is why we need Screen Better. 798 00:34:56,137 --> 00:34:57,263 What? 799 00:34:58,181 --> 00:35:01,476 All right, class, today we're gonna try something a little different. 800 00:35:08,775 --> 00:35:10,860 Does anybody know what this is? 801 00:35:10,944 --> 00:35:11,861 Your Tinder profile. 802 00:35:11,945 --> 00:35:13,530 Looks like Kyle's sister. 803 00:35:13,613 --> 00:35:15,323 - Madison's labia. - JASMINE: Oh, my God. 804 00:35:15,407 --> 00:35:17,158 It's a gender elephant. 805 00:35:17,826 --> 00:35:20,036 Correct. Lots of countries teach this. 806 00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:22,330 Now, everyone, please write down your gender identity, 807 00:35:22,414 --> 00:35:23,998 expression and sex assigned at birth 808 00:35:24,082 --> 00:35:26,084 - as you understand it. - How is this educational? 809 00:35:26,751 --> 00:35:28,294 KYLE: Yeah, I don't get it. 810 00:35:28,378 --> 00:35:29,879 Aren't those all the same thing? 811 00:35:29,963 --> 00:35:31,631 Actually, no. 812 00:35:31,715 --> 00:35:33,842 Your gender identity, gender expression 813 00:35:33,925 --> 00:35:35,885 and sex assigned at birth can all be different. 814 00:35:35,969 --> 00:35:37,595 It's okay if you're not sure. 815 00:35:37,679 --> 00:35:40,015 Just... come on. G-Give it a try. 816 00:35:43,018 --> 00:35:44,769 That's what's up. 817 00:35:44,853 --> 00:35:46,312 ♪ ♪ 818 00:35:46,396 --> 00:35:48,273 Thank you. 819 00:35:48,356 --> 00:35:50,275 ♪ I'm on a mission, I've got a plan ♪ 820 00:35:50,358 --> 00:35:52,110 ♪ I let nothing slip through my hands ♪ 821 00:35:52,193 --> 00:35:53,695 ♪ Straight to the point as fast as I can ♪ 822 00:35:53,778 --> 00:35:55,655 ♪ I see through your disguises ♪ 823 00:35:55,739 --> 00:35:57,782 ♪ Try as you might, there's no fooling me ♪ 824 00:35:57,866 --> 00:35:59,492 ♪ It's time we turned up the heat ♪ 825 00:35:59,576 --> 00:36:01,369 ♪ I'm on your tail, as cool as can be ♪ 826 00:36:01,453 --> 00:36:02,871 - ♪ There's no use in hiding. ♪ - (song ends) 827 00:36:02,954 --> 00:36:04,914 - Oops. - MAYA: Oh. (chuckles) 828 00:36:04,998 --> 00:36:06,583 - Hi. - (chuckles) Maya. 829 00:36:06,666 --> 00:36:08,626 Uh... you can have it. 830 00:36:08,710 --> 00:36:10,628 No, no. You, uh, you take it. You were there first. 831 00:36:10,712 --> 00:36:12,922 No. It's fine. It was for my mom anyways. 832 00:36:13,006 --> 00:36:14,591 Oh, then you should definitely take it. 833 00:36:14,674 --> 00:36:17,719 No, really. My mom usually has so much ginger, 834 00:36:17,802 --> 00:36:21,264 but she ran out because she gave it away while flirting. 835 00:36:21,348 --> 00:36:24,726 Flirting? Is that how flirting works? 836 00:36:24,809 --> 00:36:26,811 - (chuckles) - 'Cause if that's the case, 837 00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:30,273 then... can I cook you dinner? 838 00:36:30,357 --> 00:36:33,318 ♪ Why are you lying to yourself again... ♪ 839 00:36:33,401 --> 00:36:34,944 ALEX (chuckles): What? 840 00:36:35,028 --> 00:36:36,905 What do you mean you're rewriting the curriculum? 841 00:36:36,988 --> 00:36:38,823 - Does Fletcher know about that? - MAYA: I mean, 842 00:36:38,907 --> 00:36:40,116 she said I could make some changes. 843 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,160 - She said that? - No. 844 00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:44,871 (laughs) Just be careful. 845 00:36:44,954 --> 00:36:47,957 I've heard that Fletcher lives and dies by the school board. 846 00:36:48,041 --> 00:36:51,086 It'll be fine. I mean, today's lesson really got me thinking 847 00:36:51,169 --> 00:36:53,588 about the kind of impact I want to make. 848 00:36:53,672 --> 00:36:55,215 I admire your enthusiasm. 849 00:36:55,298 --> 00:36:58,927 Wow. Ooh, I admire that you know how to make 850 00:36:59,010 --> 00:37:01,304 - such good Thai...? - Filipino. 851 00:37:01,388 --> 00:37:02,931 - Filipino food. - (laughs) 852 00:37:03,014 --> 00:37:05,433 Yes. Here I was mistaking you for Diet Asian. 853 00:37:05,517 --> 00:37:07,310 Uh, I'm offended by that. 854 00:37:07,394 --> 00:37:09,729 I was actually the eighth member of BTS. 855 00:37:09,813 --> 00:37:11,690 - Oh. - I just decided to quit the fame 856 00:37:11,773 --> 00:37:13,942 - and become a teacher instead. - Mm. 857 00:37:14,025 --> 00:37:15,860 Also, I'm not Korean. 858 00:37:15,944 --> 00:37:17,570 - Obviously. You're Filipino. - (chuckles) 859 00:37:17,654 --> 00:37:19,197 What were you doing before Proudamore? 860 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,117 Well, I was actually in India. 861 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:24,661 - I moved there when I was 13. - Okay. 862 00:37:24,744 --> 00:37:27,205 - How did that happen? - Well, my mom made us move 863 00:37:27,288 --> 00:37:30,417 because she was scared I was turning into a "wild American teenager," 864 00:37:30,500 --> 00:37:32,627 which to be fair, I absolutely was. 865 00:37:32,711 --> 00:37:34,629 Wow. I've heard of immigrant parents 866 00:37:34,713 --> 00:37:36,631 threatening that before, but I don't know anyone 867 00:37:36,715 --> 00:37:38,008 whose parents actually did that. 868 00:37:38,091 --> 00:37:39,467 Why did you come back here? 869 00:37:39,551 --> 00:37:42,387 I love India, you know? But this is home. 870 00:37:42,470 --> 00:37:44,014 It just... It was time. 871 00:37:44,097 --> 00:37:45,640 - Yeah. - Plus, there's this app 872 00:37:45,724 --> 00:37:47,642 I'm trying to get off the ground. I don't know. 873 00:37:47,726 --> 00:37:49,811 Don't just gloss over the million-dollar idea 874 00:37:49,894 --> 00:37:52,689 I could potentially steal. I didn't realize you were a tech nerd. 875 00:37:52,772 --> 00:37:55,483 I actually wanted to teach computer science 876 00:37:55,567 --> 00:37:58,111 but got stuck with sex ed because 877 00:37:58,194 --> 00:38:01,448 they already had a teacher that was cuter than me. 878 00:38:01,531 --> 00:38:02,449 (Alex sighs) 879 00:38:02,532 --> 00:38:03,867 What a cute asshole. 880 00:38:03,950 --> 00:38:06,411 ♪ ♪ 881 00:38:06,494 --> 00:38:08,121 - ♪ Hurts me every time a... ♪ - (song stops) 882 00:38:08,204 --> 00:38:10,457 Okay, this guy graduated from MIT, 883 00:38:10,540 --> 00:38:11,916 is old enough to rent a car 884 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:13,835 but young enough to know who BTS is 885 00:38:13,918 --> 00:38:16,254 and could probably make better roti than me. 886 00:38:16,338 --> 00:38:18,798 I should stop being a little bitch and just go for it, right? 887 00:38:20,050 --> 00:38:22,594 ♪ Do, I do you ♪ 888 00:38:22,677 --> 00:38:24,846 ♪ You, you do me ♪ 889 00:38:24,929 --> 00:38:27,265 ♪ Huh, a blue moon ♪ 890 00:38:27,349 --> 00:38:29,184 ♪ What? Blue sea ♪ 891 00:38:29,267 --> 00:38:31,144 ♪ A new coupe with two seats, huh ♪ 892 00:38:31,227 --> 00:38:33,563 ♪ You move to a new beat... ♪ 893 00:38:33,646 --> 00:38:34,606 - Maya? - (song stops) 894 00:38:34,689 --> 00:38:35,815 Uh, you know what? 895 00:38:35,899 --> 00:38:37,359 It's, um... (clears throat) 896 00:38:37,442 --> 00:38:38,818 It's getting really late, 897 00:38:38,902 --> 00:38:42,030 and I still have to plan tomorrow's lesson, so... 898 00:38:42,113 --> 00:38:43,740 - Yeah. - Okay. 899 00:38:43,823 --> 00:38:45,992 - Bye. (chuckles) - (sighs) 900 00:38:53,249 --> 00:38:55,377 ("Never Gonna Stop" by Two Hidden Labs feat. DEVMO plays) 901 00:38:55,460 --> 00:38:57,671 Did I just bow? What is wrong with me? 902 00:38:57,754 --> 00:39:00,757 Maya, you need to turn this vagina around right now! 903 00:39:01,383 --> 00:39:02,676 Fuck you, legs. 904 00:39:02,759 --> 00:39:04,886 ♪ Make your body move like you're never gonna stop ♪ 905 00:39:04,969 --> 00:39:07,389 ♪ Got to get it poppin' like you're never gonna stop ♪ 906 00:39:07,472 --> 00:39:09,683 ♪ Drop it down and shake it like you're never gonna... ♪ 907 00:39:09,766 --> 00:39:12,686 Vodka with a splash of vodka to drown your sorrows in. 908 00:39:12,769 --> 00:39:14,813 (groans) I don't get it! 909 00:39:14,896 --> 00:39:16,398 You know, I was enjoying it, 910 00:39:16,481 --> 00:39:18,817 and then he started to touch my body, 911 00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:21,277 and I just kept thinking of my Nani and my mom. 912 00:39:21,361 --> 00:39:23,988 - Ew. - He could've K-popped my cherry. 913 00:39:24,072 --> 00:39:26,074 If he was Korean. He's not. He's Filipino. 914 00:39:26,157 --> 00:39:27,367 It's different. They're different. 915 00:39:27,450 --> 00:39:28,702 It's a whole-- You had to be there! 916 00:39:29,327 --> 00:39:31,371 Maybe you're into girls. 917 00:39:32,163 --> 00:39:34,624 I don't think so. I can barely look at my own vagina. 918 00:39:34,708 --> 00:39:37,585 That's 'cause of the angle. You got to use a mirror and a ring light. 919 00:39:37,669 --> 00:39:39,337 High school bucket list: 920 00:39:39,421 --> 00:39:41,715 experiment with your sexuality, girl. 921 00:39:42,632 --> 00:39:43,717 Mmm. 922 00:39:44,634 --> 00:39:46,594 ♪ Never gonna stop, never, never gonna stop ♪ 923 00:39:46,678 --> 00:39:48,596 ♪ Make your body move like you're never gonna stop ♪ 924 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:50,682 - ♪ Got to get it poppin'... ♪ - (song fades) 925 00:39:50,765 --> 00:39:53,435 ♪ ♪ 926 00:39:53,518 --> 00:39:56,521 ("This Dyke" by Kimmortal playing) 927 00:40:00,775 --> 00:40:04,362 ♪ This dyke wanna go all night, boom, boom ♪ 928 00:40:04,446 --> 00:40:06,823 ♪ This dyke wanna be alone with you... ♪ 929 00:40:06,906 --> 00:40:08,700 Are you liking that pussssayyyyyy? 930 00:40:08,783 --> 00:40:10,910 ♪ This dyke wanna go all night, boom, boom... ♪ 931 00:40:10,994 --> 00:40:13,246 I'm not dancing on the same beat as her. 932 00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:16,666 Bitch, you're not on Dancing with the Stars. 933 00:40:16,750 --> 00:40:19,294 Just relax and grind on her pussy. 934 00:40:20,003 --> 00:40:21,463 What? 935 00:40:21,546 --> 00:40:22,839 Her pussy? 936 00:40:24,257 --> 00:40:27,552 Yes! Grind that pussy! 937 00:40:27,635 --> 00:40:29,429 ♪ Tell me with your eyes when we reach the highway... ♪ 938 00:40:29,512 --> 00:40:31,806 Are you sure? 939 00:40:32,432 --> 00:40:35,101 Yes! Grind her now! 940 00:40:36,603 --> 00:40:37,729 - (sharp blow) - (groans): Oh! 941 00:40:38,563 --> 00:40:40,482 (groans) Did you just punch my pussy? 942 00:40:40,565 --> 00:40:42,817 No, no, no, I didn't mean to! I meant to grab it. 943 00:40:42,901 --> 00:40:44,944 What in the actual fuck?! 944 00:40:45,028 --> 00:40:46,821 I said grind it! 945 00:40:46,905 --> 00:40:48,281 You told me to grab her by the pussy! 946 00:40:48,365 --> 00:40:50,325 - Why the fuck would I say that?! - I don't know! 947 00:40:50,408 --> 00:40:52,577 - It's called consent, bitch! - Me Too? 948 00:40:52,660 --> 00:40:54,829 I haven't had sex yet, and I was trying to figure out if I was gay! 949 00:40:54,913 --> 00:40:57,457 Oh, so I'm just another straight-girl experiment. 950 00:40:57,540 --> 00:40:58,750 Fuck off, virgin! 951 00:40:58,833 --> 00:41:01,169 She is from a small town in India. 952 00:41:01,252 --> 00:41:03,588 - She has camels in her pussy! - I do not! 953 00:41:03,672 --> 00:41:05,215 - No, there's not! - (clamoring) 954 00:41:06,299 --> 00:41:08,343 MAYA (voice-over): Today, we will be crafting our genitals. 955 00:41:08,426 --> 00:41:11,971 Or whatever body part you feel best expresses your sexuality. 956 00:41:12,055 --> 00:41:13,139 (knock on door) 957 00:41:13,223 --> 00:41:15,975 Maya. Hi. Can I audit your class? 958 00:41:16,059 --> 00:41:17,310 I never had sex ed. 959 00:41:17,394 --> 00:41:19,688 Uh, sure, Barb. I don't see why not. 960 00:41:20,772 --> 00:41:23,066 - All right, class, let's... - (furniture scraping on floor) 961 00:41:23,149 --> 00:41:24,401 (mouthing) 962 00:41:28,822 --> 00:41:31,199 Good? All right, class, let's... 963 00:41:31,282 --> 00:41:33,284 (furniture scraping on floor) 964 00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:36,162 (chuckles) 965 00:41:36,246 --> 00:41:38,164 (chair thuds) 966 00:41:40,709 --> 00:41:43,003 (chuckles softly) All right. 967 00:41:47,674 --> 00:41:48,550 Let's make some art! 968 00:41:48,633 --> 00:41:52,303 ("Boomshakalaka" by The Red Collective feat. Olmos playing) 969 00:41:52,846 --> 00:41:55,223 ♪ Boomshakalaka-laka... ♪ 970 00:41:55,306 --> 00:41:58,351 The internal clitoris covered in glitter. 971 00:41:58,435 --> 00:42:00,478 I call it "the glittery clittery." 972 00:42:00,562 --> 00:42:01,688 Is masturbating with glitter safe? 973 00:42:01,771 --> 00:42:03,606 I'm sorry. I should save my questions till the end. Sorry. 974 00:42:04,941 --> 00:42:06,818 Thank you for that inspiring visual, Jasmine. 975 00:42:06,901 --> 00:42:08,862 Please place that on our sexual anatomy board. 976 00:42:08,945 --> 00:42:11,489 ♪ Shake it, girl, shake it, girl... ♪ 977 00:42:11,573 --> 00:42:12,741 Next. 978 00:42:13,825 --> 00:42:15,285 His name's Goku. 979 00:42:15,368 --> 00:42:16,703 Based on a true story. 980 00:42:16,786 --> 00:42:18,371 (scoffs) I call bullshit. 981 00:42:18,455 --> 00:42:19,706 (laughter) 982 00:42:19,789 --> 00:42:20,915 No. 983 00:42:20,999 --> 00:42:23,543 I'm glad you feel so confident, Kyle. Put it on the board. 984 00:42:23,626 --> 00:42:26,880 ♪ Boomshakalaka-laka Shake it, girl, shake it, girl ♪ 985 00:42:26,963 --> 00:42:30,008 - Next. - So, I created my boobs out of wire 986 00:42:30,091 --> 00:42:31,551 to protest the underwire in bras. 987 00:42:31,634 --> 00:42:33,136 Preach. Put it on the board. 988 00:42:33,219 --> 00:42:35,513 - Next. - I'm protesting this exercise. 989 00:42:35,597 --> 00:42:37,098 Fair enough. Who's next? 990 00:42:38,183 --> 00:42:39,309 It's a queef. 991 00:42:40,018 --> 00:42:42,187 If you put it sideways, it kind of looks like a sunrise. 992 00:42:45,065 --> 00:42:46,691 - I hate the sun. - Okay. 993 00:42:47,776 --> 00:42:50,153 - Next. - It's, uh, it's a penis pipe. 994 00:42:50,236 --> 00:42:51,654 You can smoke it like this. 995 00:42:51,738 --> 00:42:52,989 Uh, do not smoke your penis. 996 00:42:53,073 --> 00:42:55,158 - (school bell rings) - (song ends) 997 00:42:58,912 --> 00:43:00,705 Abbey. What's up? 998 00:43:00,789 --> 00:43:02,916 When-when is it okay to have sex? 999 00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:08,963 Oh. Uh, well, I guess that depends on you. 1000 00:43:09,047 --> 00:43:11,424 Just-- I have a boyfriend, and-and he's a senior 1001 00:43:11,508 --> 00:43:14,427 at West Hill, and he's been, um... 1002 00:43:15,136 --> 00:43:16,680 You know, he want, he wants to... 1003 00:43:16,763 --> 00:43:17,806 Do you want to? 1004 00:43:17,889 --> 00:43:20,767 (sighs) I don't know. I... 1005 00:43:20,850 --> 00:43:22,560 I-I don't not want to. 1006 00:43:25,146 --> 00:43:28,274 You know, Abbey, there's nothing wrong with taking your time. 1007 00:43:28,358 --> 00:43:31,069 You know, you're young, and sex will always be there. 1008 00:43:31,152 --> 00:43:32,278 Even when you're my age. 1009 00:43:32,362 --> 00:43:34,072 Oh, I don't want to wait that long. 1010 00:43:34,989 --> 00:43:36,574 Mm-hmm. 1011 00:43:36,658 --> 00:43:40,578 Uh, well, if you are ready, then... 1012 00:43:40,662 --> 00:43:42,455 honestly, it's your choice. 1013 00:43:42,539 --> 00:43:44,666 But please just be safe about it. 1014 00:43:44,749 --> 00:43:46,501 Okay. Yeah. 1015 00:43:48,294 --> 00:43:52,048 Hey, uh, thanks for actually listening to me, Ms. Singh. 1016 00:43:52,132 --> 00:43:53,550 Of course. 1017 00:43:54,801 --> 00:43:56,761 - See ya, Barb. - Oh, see ya, honey. 1018 00:43:56,845 --> 00:43:58,763 Good luck with the sex. 1019 00:44:00,473 --> 00:44:02,475 (chatter in distance) 1020 00:44:04,644 --> 00:44:06,771 (whistle blows) Nice, guys. Reset. Let's do it again. 1021 00:44:06,855 --> 00:44:08,857 (chatter continues) 1022 00:44:12,736 --> 00:44:14,738 Yeah, I want to talk to you. You got to focus here. Come on. 1023 00:44:15,989 --> 00:44:18,158 - Hey, Ms. Singh. - What's up, Jason? 1024 00:44:18,241 --> 00:44:19,451 Your class was dope today. 1025 00:44:19,534 --> 00:44:21,202 Oh, thank you. 1026 00:44:22,954 --> 00:44:25,331 Coach Cruz is the best, huh? 1027 00:44:25,415 --> 00:44:27,459 Kyle, stop it. Go take a lap right now. 1028 00:44:27,542 --> 00:44:29,210 (stammers) Is Coach out there? 1029 00:44:29,294 --> 00:44:31,254 Listen, can I ask you a question? 1030 00:44:31,338 --> 00:44:33,381 That depends. Do I get paid overtime? 1031 00:44:33,465 --> 00:44:34,674 (Maya laughs) 1032 00:44:34,758 --> 00:44:36,801 I'm-I'm kidding. Ask me the question. 1033 00:44:36,885 --> 00:44:39,262 Would you ever date someone younger than you? 1034 00:44:39,346 --> 00:44:41,431 Not me. Gross. 1035 00:44:42,474 --> 00:44:45,435 - Okay, well, how much older? - Older. She goes to this school. 1036 00:44:45,518 --> 00:44:47,395 So what's the problem? 1037 00:44:47,479 --> 00:44:49,522 She's, like, really confident and experienced, 1038 00:44:49,606 --> 00:44:52,525 and I just don't know how to show her I like her, too. 1039 00:44:52,609 --> 00:44:55,320 You know, I got to show her I'm, like, mature. 1040 00:44:56,196 --> 00:44:57,697 Maybe you should make a grand gesture. 1041 00:44:57,781 --> 00:44:59,115 You know, sweep her off her feet. 1042 00:44:59,199 --> 00:45:00,533 Show her that you're serious. 1043 00:45:02,285 --> 00:45:04,287 - Grand gesture, huh? - Yeah. 1044 00:45:04,371 --> 00:45:05,789 I mean, the worst she can say is "no." 1045 00:45:06,373 --> 00:45:08,625 - Okay, cool. Thanks, Ms. Singh. - Got it. 1046 00:45:11,503 --> 00:45:13,546 KYLE: Number one player, back on the field! 1047 00:45:14,589 --> 00:45:16,007 Watch out, ladies! 1048 00:45:18,635 --> 00:45:20,553 NALINI (over TV): I guess it's not a horrible idea 1049 00:45:20,637 --> 00:45:22,639 to invite a nice man to a respectable family dinner. 1050 00:45:22,722 --> 00:45:24,182 DEVI (over TV): Great. Okay. So... 1051 00:45:24,265 --> 00:45:25,558 So, how's class going? 1052 00:45:25,642 --> 00:45:27,769 Are your students engineers yet? 1053 00:45:28,645 --> 00:45:30,772 Good. It's going good. Yeah. 1054 00:45:30,855 --> 00:45:34,484 Uh, yesterday, we covered the difference between hardware and software. 1055 00:45:34,567 --> 00:45:37,654 Isn't it right in the title? One is hard, one is soft? 1056 00:45:38,655 --> 00:45:40,073 I could be a computer engineer. 1057 00:45:40,156 --> 00:45:41,658 - What are you... what are you doing? - Totally. 1058 00:45:41,741 --> 00:45:43,993 We are playing to your strengths, Mom. Take it as a compliment. 1059 00:45:44,077 --> 00:45:46,871 So, have you seen Farhad recently? 1060 00:45:46,955 --> 00:45:49,249 No. Why would I? 1061 00:45:49,332 --> 00:45:51,710 I don't know. He seems nice. 1062 00:45:55,171 --> 00:45:56,881 M-Maybe you'd like to come? 1063 00:45:56,965 --> 00:45:58,925 Go, aunty. See, Mom? 1064 00:45:59,009 --> 00:46:00,176 It doesn't matter how old you are. 1065 00:46:00,260 --> 00:46:01,386 You can still live life. 1066 00:46:01,469 --> 00:46:03,096 This is a TV show, Maya. 1067 00:46:03,179 --> 00:46:05,682 No respectable woman would behave like this in public. 1068 00:46:05,765 --> 00:46:06,808 What would people say? 1069 00:46:08,101 --> 00:46:09,519 Who are these people? 1070 00:46:09,602 --> 00:46:11,104 Where-where are these people? 1071 00:46:11,187 --> 00:46:12,522 And why do they matter? 1072 00:46:12,605 --> 00:46:15,025 The community. See, you don't understand 1073 00:46:15,108 --> 00:46:17,902 because you make friends by poking strangers on the Facebook. 1074 00:46:17,986 --> 00:46:20,697 Back in my day, all we had was our community. 1075 00:46:21,865 --> 00:46:24,868 Whatever. Also, no one even uses Facebook anymore... 1076 00:46:24,951 --> 00:46:26,244 - Shut up. - Fine. 1077 00:46:29,539 --> 00:46:32,375 (alarm clock beeping) 1078 00:46:38,173 --> 00:46:40,550 (sighs) Okay. 1079 00:46:40,633 --> 00:46:41,718 You can do this. 1080 00:46:41,801 --> 00:46:44,763 It's just you touching you. 1081 00:46:45,847 --> 00:46:47,891 - Okay. - (vibrator buzzing) 1082 00:46:50,060 --> 00:46:51,686 (sighs) 1083 00:46:51,770 --> 00:46:53,688 (clears throat) 1084 00:46:53,772 --> 00:46:54,731 Okay. 1085 00:46:54,814 --> 00:46:56,483 Yeah. 1086 00:46:58,276 --> 00:46:59,444 Here goes. 1087 00:47:00,487 --> 00:47:02,155 Yes. Okay. 1088 00:47:03,823 --> 00:47:06,242 Think sexy thoughts. 1089 00:47:08,203 --> 00:47:09,662 Penis. 1090 00:47:11,247 --> 00:47:12,457 Hard penis. 1091 00:47:12,540 --> 00:47:14,459 Clean penis. 1092 00:47:14,542 --> 00:47:16,086 Hard, clean penis. 1093 00:47:17,837 --> 00:47:19,297 (sighs) 1094 00:47:20,924 --> 00:47:23,635 Yeah, no. Okay, here we go. 1095 00:47:23,718 --> 00:47:25,261 (clears throat) 1096 00:47:27,472 --> 00:47:28,556 (sighs) 1097 00:47:29,724 --> 00:47:31,726 Container store. 1098 00:47:33,186 --> 00:47:36,064 Okay. Yeah. 1099 00:47:36,147 --> 00:47:37,982 Mm. 1100 00:47:39,025 --> 00:47:40,235 (moans) 1101 00:47:41,611 --> 00:47:43,738 (grunts softly) 1102 00:47:43,822 --> 00:47:45,281 Surprise Beyoncé album. 1103 00:47:45,365 --> 00:47:47,325 (moans): Oh! 1104 00:47:47,409 --> 00:47:49,953 (panting): Okay. Oh, yeah. 1105 00:47:50,036 --> 00:47:53,289 Ooh. She just fucking drops them out of nowhere! 1106 00:47:53,373 --> 00:47:55,333 ♪ ♪ 1107 00:47:57,210 --> 00:47:58,628 - You're always right. - (Maya moans) 1108 00:47:58,712 --> 00:48:00,672 (booming, whooshing) 1109 00:48:01,965 --> 00:48:04,009 (panting): Oh, my God. Oh. 1110 00:48:04,634 --> 00:48:05,719 That's different. 1111 00:48:05,802 --> 00:48:07,804 ♪ I'm feeling like the Mona Lisa ♪ 1112 00:48:07,887 --> 00:48:09,973 ♪ Like a dime, like a masterpiece, yeah ♪ 1113 00:48:10,056 --> 00:48:11,933 ♪ Gloss it up like a magazine, I wanna ♪ 1114 00:48:12,017 --> 00:48:13,560 ♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce like a trampoline ♪ 1115 00:48:13,643 --> 00:48:15,186 ♪ Turn it up like, "Hey!" ♪ 1116 00:48:15,270 --> 00:48:17,480 ♪ Gonna go like, "Oh!" ♪ 1117 00:48:17,564 --> 00:48:21,151 ♪ Come on, let's go, go, go, bring the boom ♪ 1118 00:48:23,820 --> 00:48:25,613 ♪ I bring the boom ♪ 1119 00:48:27,240 --> 00:48:28,700 - ♪ Yeah, I bring the boom. ♪ - (song ends) 1120 00:48:28,783 --> 00:48:30,744 (panting, sighing) 1121 00:48:33,663 --> 00:48:35,540 Why are you still in bed? It's 11:00 a.m. 1122 00:48:35,623 --> 00:48:38,001 Mom, no, it's not! Can I have some privacy, please? 1123 00:48:38,877 --> 00:48:39,878 What's that? 1124 00:48:42,797 --> 00:48:44,716 That is, uh, a mixer. 1125 00:48:44,799 --> 00:48:47,677 Yeah, the new, uh, Magic Bullet Mini. 1126 00:48:47,761 --> 00:48:49,095 Why is it in here? 1127 00:48:50,889 --> 00:48:52,766 Because I had a smoothie. Last night. 1128 00:48:52,849 --> 00:48:54,517 Yeah, I brought it up here to not wake you up, and... 1129 00:48:54,601 --> 00:48:56,436 - What kind of smoothie? - Uh... 1130 00:48:56,519 --> 00:48:58,688 (sniffs, exhales) Was the milk expired? 1131 00:48:58,772 --> 00:49:00,065 No! Ma, I really need to get ready. 1132 00:49:00,148 --> 00:49:01,608 Okay, get out, get out, get out, get out. 1133 00:49:01,691 --> 00:49:03,068 - It's okay. I'll take this. - Uh... 1134 00:49:06,613 --> 00:49:08,490 ♪ ♪ 1135 00:49:08,573 --> 00:49:10,575 (whirring and buzzing nearby) 1136 00:49:12,619 --> 00:49:14,162 I made you breakfast. 1137 00:49:14,245 --> 00:49:16,206 No, no, no, no, Mom. The milk was expired. 1138 00:49:16,289 --> 00:49:17,374 Throw that away. Right now. 1139 00:49:17,457 --> 00:49:18,792 - Ah. - You sure? 1140 00:49:18,875 --> 00:49:19,876 Seems good to me. 1141 00:49:20,627 --> 00:49:22,087 Huh? Mm. Whatever. 1142 00:49:22,671 --> 00:49:24,464 More for me. Mmm. 1143 00:49:24,547 --> 00:49:26,549 So good. 1144 00:49:26,633 --> 00:49:28,635 (buzzing) 1145 00:49:29,344 --> 00:49:33,014 So thick, so creamy. (sighs) 1146 00:49:33,098 --> 00:49:35,141 MAYA (voice-over): Welcome to vulva week. 1147 00:49:35,225 --> 00:49:38,395 Over the next few days, we'll be reviewing the female orgasm, 1148 00:49:38,478 --> 00:49:41,022 aka the Big O. 1149 00:49:41,106 --> 00:49:42,023 Lights, please. 1150 00:49:42,649 --> 00:49:44,901 Now we're talking. 1151 00:49:44,984 --> 00:49:46,653 You can't be serious. 1152 00:49:46,736 --> 00:49:49,406 Today's lesson is about the late great Betty Dodson, 1153 00:49:49,489 --> 00:49:52,367 professional masturbator and vulva Yoda. 1154 00:49:52,450 --> 00:49:55,578 So we've got the power in our genitals 1155 00:49:55,662 --> 00:49:58,289 to do anything we want if we claim the power. 1156 00:49:58,373 --> 00:50:00,667 ♪ Why do you think I been stumbling that way? ♪ 1157 00:50:00,750 --> 00:50:02,210 - (woman moaning on video) - ♪ 'Cause I'm ♪ 1158 00:50:02,293 --> 00:50:04,254 ♪ Freaky, freaky Walk that walk ♪ 1159 00:50:04,337 --> 00:50:07,007 ♪ Talk that talk Play it, walk that talk ♪ 1160 00:50:07,090 --> 00:50:08,758 (moaning continues) 1161 00:50:10,218 --> 00:50:14,055 As you can see, woman are capable of having multiple orgasms. 1162 00:50:14,139 --> 00:50:16,725 It's important for everybody to get to know their body. 1163 00:50:16,808 --> 00:50:19,185 You know, what you like, what you don't like. 1164 00:50:19,269 --> 00:50:22,105 Your homework is to get to know yourself, in your own way, 1165 00:50:22,188 --> 00:50:24,149 however you feel comfortable. 1166 00:50:24,232 --> 00:50:26,818 Sick! I already did my homework at lunch. 1167 00:50:26,901 --> 00:50:30,572 Up next: how to locate the G-spot. 1168 00:50:30,655 --> 00:50:31,781 - Dope. - ♪ Yeah, I'm freaky ♪ 1169 00:50:31,865 --> 00:50:33,742 ♪ Yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪ 1170 00:50:33,825 --> 00:50:35,702 ♪ Yeah, I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪ 1171 00:50:37,037 --> 00:50:38,830 ♪ I'm freaky, freaky, freaky... ♪ 1172 00:50:38,913 --> 00:50:40,373 Safe. 1173 00:50:40,457 --> 00:50:43,376 Safe. Safe. 1174 00:50:43,460 --> 00:50:44,836 Safe, baby. 1175 00:50:44,919 --> 00:50:47,630 So safe. Really safe. 1176 00:50:47,714 --> 00:50:49,549 I feel so safe. 1177 00:50:49,632 --> 00:50:51,217 - Super safe. - Okay. 1178 00:50:51,301 --> 00:50:53,094 (grunts) 1179 00:50:53,178 --> 00:50:54,888 (chuckles): Whoa! 1180 00:50:55,930 --> 00:50:57,057 Oh! 1181 00:50:57,140 --> 00:50:58,808 ♪ Yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪ 1182 00:50:58,892 --> 00:51:01,478 ♪ I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪ 1183 00:51:01,561 --> 00:51:03,938 ♪ I'm freaky, freaky, freaky... ♪ 1184 00:51:04,022 --> 00:51:05,732 Today... 1185 00:51:05,815 --> 00:51:07,484 we talk squirting. 1186 00:51:12,655 --> 00:51:14,199 Homosexuality can be found 1187 00:51:14,282 --> 00:51:16,368 in so many plant and animal species. 1188 00:51:16,451 --> 00:51:17,952 For example, male penguins. 1189 00:51:18,036 --> 00:51:19,871 Spoiler alert: super gay. 1190 00:51:19,954 --> 00:51:21,915 Yeah, now you know why they really have happy feet. 1191 00:51:22,499 --> 00:51:25,210 ♪ Yeah, I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky ♪ 1192 00:51:25,293 --> 00:51:28,421 ♪ Yeah, I'm freaky, yeah, boy, yeah, I'm freaky... ♪ 1193 00:51:28,505 --> 00:51:31,091 Hi, Maya. Oops. (chuckles) 1194 00:51:31,174 --> 00:51:32,926 You took my mug again. That's okay. 1195 00:51:33,802 --> 00:51:37,013 Um, shouldn't you be teaching yoga somewhere? 1196 00:51:39,808 --> 00:51:40,975 How you like that yoga? 1197 00:51:41,059 --> 00:51:42,102 (scoffs) 1198 00:51:42,185 --> 00:51:43,228 Yeah? 1199 00:51:44,396 --> 00:51:45,438 Namaste. 1200 00:51:45,522 --> 00:51:47,315 Bitch. 1201 00:51:48,483 --> 00:51:50,485 I mean, clearly you have seniority. 1202 00:51:50,568 --> 00:51:53,446 That is so rude. Anyway, I made you one. 1203 00:51:53,530 --> 00:51:55,865 Oh, that is so nice of you. (chuckles) 1204 00:51:55,949 --> 00:51:57,534 You remind me of my housekeeper. 1205 00:51:57,617 --> 00:51:59,911 - (chuckles): Oh. - She's so nice, too. 1206 00:52:03,248 --> 00:52:05,917 High school bucket list: graffiti the bathroom wall. 1207 00:52:06,001 --> 00:52:07,836 MAYA: Oh. 1208 00:52:08,503 --> 00:52:10,130 Is anybody in here? Is anybody in here? 1209 00:52:10,213 --> 00:52:12,757 (passing gas, muttering) 1210 00:52:12,841 --> 00:52:14,968 - (stall door closes) - (mouthing) 1211 00:52:15,051 --> 00:52:16,344 (Linda grunting) 1212 00:52:16,428 --> 00:52:17,971 (Maya groaning) 1213 00:52:18,054 --> 00:52:20,265 Maybe you shouldn't eat so many dicks, Linda! 1214 00:52:20,348 --> 00:52:22,976 Hey, who's there?! (passing gas) No more, no more, no more. 1215 00:52:23,059 --> 00:52:25,103 No more, no more. Machine Gun Kelly. 1216 00:52:25,186 --> 00:52:27,313 And finally, the shoulder holder, 1217 00:52:27,397 --> 00:52:30,233 popular in the UK and Japan, according to a new poll. 1218 00:52:30,316 --> 00:52:31,526 Any questions? 1219 00:52:31,609 --> 00:52:33,903 I refuse to hear any more of this. 1220 00:52:37,866 --> 00:52:38,950 (door closes) 1221 00:52:41,369 --> 00:52:43,913 - What's a reverse cowgirl? - Great question. 1222 00:52:43,997 --> 00:52:46,166 That is one of the commander-in-chief positions. 1223 00:52:46,249 --> 00:52:48,418 Especially empowering for women. 1224 00:52:48,501 --> 00:52:52,339 Because-- spoiler alert-- women can and should enjoy sex as well. 1225 00:52:53,006 --> 00:52:54,966 - Barb? - What position do you recommend 1226 00:52:55,050 --> 00:52:58,803 for someone with a very, very, very, very tight vagina? 1227 00:53:00,347 --> 00:53:02,265 MAYA: Cowgirl or 69. 1228 00:53:02,349 --> 00:53:05,060 But especially good is doggy style. 1229 00:53:06,478 --> 00:53:09,856 - She was... masturbating. - (buzzing, rhythmic clattering) 1230 00:53:15,820 --> 00:53:17,697 She said it was a school assignment. 1231 00:53:17,781 --> 00:53:19,991 LINDA: I saw the whole thing, Principal Fletcher. 1232 00:53:20,075 --> 00:53:23,411 Ms. Singh was encouraging her students to have S-E-X 1233 00:53:23,495 --> 00:53:26,206 and get pregnant. We don't need any more babies in the world. 1234 00:53:26,289 --> 00:53:28,291 Some countries have already overpopulated it. 1235 00:53:28,375 --> 00:53:30,293 What? No, I wasn't. That's not true. 1236 00:53:30,377 --> 00:53:33,797 Ms. Singh, you do know that we have a very strict curriculum here. 1237 00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:36,257 I am giving them a more comprehensive sex education. 1238 00:53:36,341 --> 00:53:38,843 I mean, they deserve to learn about anatomy, 1239 00:53:38,927 --> 00:53:40,595 body positivity, pleasure. 1240 00:53:40,679 --> 00:53:42,972 My daughter does not need to learn about any of that. 1241 00:53:43,056 --> 00:53:44,808 Oh. Okay. So you'd rather 1242 00:53:44,891 --> 00:53:46,768 she learn about all this from Cardi B lyrics? 1243 00:53:46,851 --> 00:53:48,770 - I don't know who that is. - It's Beyoncé. 1244 00:53:49,354 --> 00:53:50,855 Do you know how much money 1245 00:53:50,939 --> 00:53:53,108 I have donated to the school football program? 1246 00:53:53,191 --> 00:53:55,652 Maya, it's a simple, 1247 00:53:55,735 --> 00:53:58,238 abstinence-focused program prescribed by the state. 1248 00:53:58,321 --> 00:54:00,865 Okay? No, no, no. We don't need anything more. 1249 00:54:00,949 --> 00:54:02,575 Just teach the book. 1250 00:54:03,952 --> 00:54:05,662 Just teach the book, Maya. 1251 00:54:05,745 --> 00:54:08,623 Even you can handle that. (chuckles softly) 1252 00:54:25,015 --> 00:54:27,350 - Hi. - Hey. Want to get drunk? 1253 00:54:27,434 --> 00:54:29,060 ♪ ♪ 1254 00:54:29,144 --> 00:54:32,063 (siren wailing in distance) 1255 00:54:32,147 --> 00:54:33,648 - I hate to say "I told you so." - (groans) 1256 00:54:33,732 --> 00:54:35,483 - So I won't say it. - Thank you. 1257 00:54:35,567 --> 00:54:37,027 But check your texts. 1258 00:54:40,363 --> 00:54:44,659 Ha ha. How do they expect me to teach this antiquated nonsense? 1259 00:54:44,743 --> 00:54:46,953 - Change takes time. - No. 1260 00:54:47,037 --> 00:54:50,165 I mean, there has to be a better way to teach kids about sex. 1261 00:54:50,248 --> 00:54:52,042 - Yeah. - (door opens) 1262 00:54:57,088 --> 00:54:59,215 (clears throat) Uh... 1263 00:54:59,299 --> 00:55:00,675 - Can you excuse me for a second? - Mm-hmm. 1264 00:55:00,759 --> 00:55:02,135 (inhales sharply) 1265 00:55:04,512 --> 00:55:05,764 (sighs) 1266 00:55:05,847 --> 00:55:07,515 (laughing) 1267 00:55:07,599 --> 00:55:09,934 (gasps) Ms. Singh, what are you doing here? 1268 00:55:10,018 --> 00:55:12,228 I think the question is: What are you doing here? 1269 00:55:12,312 --> 00:55:14,356 'Cause it is a school night, and you're underage. 1270 00:55:14,439 --> 00:55:16,524 I snuck out with my boyfriend. 1271 00:55:16,608 --> 00:55:18,318 (sighs) 1272 00:55:18,401 --> 00:55:20,820 Hi. Can you excuse us for a sec, boyfriend? 1273 00:55:21,863 --> 00:55:23,531 - Thank you. - (sighs) Man. 1274 00:55:23,615 --> 00:55:26,034 - How did you even get in here? - I used my cousin's ID. 1275 00:55:26,117 --> 00:55:28,036 But no one even noticed. 1276 00:55:30,205 --> 00:55:31,915 Damn white bouncer. 1277 00:55:31,998 --> 00:55:33,166 Please don't tell my parents. 1278 00:55:33,249 --> 00:55:34,959 - I won't. - Thanks, Ms. Singh. 1279 00:55:35,043 --> 00:55:38,254 Also, I thought about our talk, and I'm gonna take your advice. 1280 00:55:38,338 --> 00:55:39,214 I'm ready. 1281 00:55:39,297 --> 00:55:40,840 Wait, what? 1282 00:55:40,924 --> 00:55:43,176 We're gonna do it. Tonight. 1283 00:55:43,259 --> 00:55:44,552 Abbey, listen, okay? 1284 00:55:44,636 --> 00:55:47,305 I know I've been teaching you all the benefits of sex, 1285 00:55:47,389 --> 00:55:49,683 but in reality, sex is a big deal. 1286 00:55:49,766 --> 00:55:51,518 I mean, are you even emotionally ready? 1287 00:55:51,601 --> 00:55:54,104 And you don't want to do something you're gonna regret. 1288 00:55:54,187 --> 00:55:56,815 What happened to overcoming shame by Brené Brown? 1289 00:55:56,898 --> 00:55:59,567 Brené Brown ain't brown. You and I are both from cultures 1290 00:55:59,651 --> 00:56:01,986 where people will criticize us. 1291 00:56:02,070 --> 00:56:05,865 Okay? So we just have to be extra careful. 1292 00:56:05,949 --> 00:56:09,327 But he's down with the commander-in-chief positions. 1293 00:56:09,411 --> 00:56:11,496 - Abbey, listen to me. - No. 1294 00:56:11,579 --> 00:56:13,331 You don't even believe what you're teaching us. 1295 00:56:13,415 --> 00:56:15,333 Maybe you need to get laid. 1296 00:56:19,963 --> 00:56:21,256 (scoffs softly) 1297 00:56:23,925 --> 00:56:25,635 Can I get three vodka shots, please? 1298 00:56:25,719 --> 00:56:27,679 ("Lover" by Diljit Dosanjh playing) 1299 00:56:27,762 --> 00:56:30,306 (song continues with lyrics in Punjabi) 1300 00:56:30,390 --> 00:56:32,308 (moans) 1301 00:56:32,392 --> 00:56:33,768 (sighs) 1302 00:56:37,313 --> 00:56:39,315 (both chuckling) 1303 00:56:43,403 --> 00:56:45,238 - (song ends) - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. 1304 00:56:46,406 --> 00:56:47,907 I don't want to do this when you're this drunk. 1305 00:56:47,991 --> 00:56:49,409 (chuckles): Oh, come on. What? 1306 00:56:49,492 --> 00:56:50,869 Now that I'm gonna do it, you don't want it? 1307 00:56:50,952 --> 00:56:52,620 Maya, you're trashed. Just slow down. 1308 00:56:52,704 --> 00:56:54,372 What, are you nervous? 1309 00:56:54,456 --> 00:56:55,457 - Oh, it's just sex. - No. 1310 00:56:55,540 --> 00:56:56,916 I wanna get to know you more. 1311 00:56:57,000 --> 00:56:59,252 Why? This is what normal people do. 1312 00:56:59,336 --> 00:57:02,172 Wait. Don't tell me. Are you, like, a virgin 1313 00:57:02,255 --> 00:57:04,341 - or something? (laughs) - I'm not. I'm just... 1314 00:57:04,424 --> 00:57:05,800 I'm a little scarred from my ex. 1315 00:57:05,884 --> 00:57:07,719 Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. 1316 00:57:07,802 --> 00:57:10,221 I didn't realize you had so much trauma. 1317 00:57:10,305 --> 00:57:12,557 I'm just trying to be honest and vulnerable with you, 1318 00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:14,601 and I'm sorry if that's coming off as... 1319 00:57:14,684 --> 00:57:16,436 Weak? Prude? 1320 00:57:16,519 --> 00:57:18,480 Yeah. A little. 1321 00:57:21,483 --> 00:57:22,734 I think you should leave. 1322 00:57:23,401 --> 00:57:24,361 What? 1323 00:57:29,074 --> 00:57:30,450 (school bell rings) 1324 00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:35,330 (student coughs) 1325 00:57:36,873 --> 00:57:38,166 (sighs softly) 1326 00:57:43,797 --> 00:57:45,757 {\an8}Kyle, can you please read out loud? 1327 00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:47,967 Yeah. Um... 1328 00:57:49,344 --> 00:57:52,597 "Gonorrhea stays in your body if it is not treated." 1329 00:57:52,681 --> 00:57:56,768 Uh, "Gonorrhea can also spread to the blood and joints. 1330 00:57:56,851 --> 00:57:59,187 "Gonorrhea can be very serious. 1331 00:57:59,270 --> 00:58:01,106 - Gon..." - Ms. Singh. What's up? 1332 00:58:01,189 --> 00:58:03,233 Why are we going back to day-one shit? 1333 00:58:03,316 --> 00:58:04,859 Yeah, your classes have been dope. 1334 00:58:04,943 --> 00:58:06,653 JASMINE: Yeah, it's like, for the first time, 1335 00:58:06,736 --> 00:58:08,446 someone actually spoke to us 1336 00:58:08,530 --> 00:58:09,864 like we're not just stupid kids. 1337 00:58:09,948 --> 00:58:11,533 I can't teach that anymore. 1338 00:58:11,616 --> 00:58:13,910 I have to go back to the regular curriculum 1339 00:58:13,993 --> 00:58:15,787 mandated by the state. 1340 00:58:16,746 --> 00:58:17,747 Are you okay? 1341 00:58:19,457 --> 00:58:21,334 Yeah, just a rough week. 1342 00:58:21,418 --> 00:58:22,669 Do you want to talk about it? 1343 00:58:22,752 --> 00:58:24,629 That would be highly inappropriate. 1344 00:58:24,713 --> 00:58:27,007 - I fucked up so bad with him. - Mm. 1345 00:58:27,090 --> 00:58:29,509 Yeah, but, you know, you're allowed to make mistakes. 1346 00:58:29,592 --> 00:58:31,177 No one is perfect. 1347 00:58:31,261 --> 00:58:33,513 I'm so confident with everything else, you know? 1348 00:58:33,596 --> 00:58:37,308 But when it comes to this... stuff, it's like I'm broken. 1349 00:58:37,392 --> 00:58:39,394 - "Stuff"? - (sighs) 1350 00:58:39,477 --> 00:58:41,187 You mean sex? 1351 00:58:41,271 --> 00:58:44,190 Ms. Singh, sounds like you're dealing with a lot of shame. 1352 00:58:44,274 --> 00:58:45,692 And like you're afraid of intimacy. 1353 00:58:45,775 --> 00:58:47,402 We learned this all from you, Ms. Singh. 1354 00:58:47,485 --> 00:58:48,778 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1355 00:58:48,862 --> 00:58:49,904 And also from TikTok. 1356 00:58:49,988 --> 00:58:52,282 - (school bell rings) - (sighs) 1357 00:58:52,365 --> 00:58:53,867 You'll find your way. 1358 00:58:53,950 --> 00:58:55,410 Good luck with your smashing, Ms. Singh. 1359 00:58:55,493 --> 00:58:57,495 - I believe in you. - Thanks, Nathaniel. 1360 00:58:57,579 --> 00:58:59,622 Hey, you got this, Ms. Singh. 1361 00:59:00,498 --> 00:59:03,168 - Fuck it up, Ms. Singh. - I'll try. 1362 00:59:05,754 --> 00:59:06,671 Hey. 1363 00:59:07,339 --> 00:59:09,090 Do you want to come to my house for an early dinner? 1364 00:59:14,179 --> 00:59:16,222 Holy shit balls. 1365 00:59:16,806 --> 00:59:18,558 The fuck? 1366 00:59:22,312 --> 00:59:24,272 (doorbell rings) 1367 00:59:24,356 --> 00:59:25,440 BARB (over intercom): Who is it? 1368 00:59:25,523 --> 00:59:27,108 Yeah, I'm looking for Barb. 1369 00:59:27,192 --> 00:59:28,234 BARB: What's the password? 1370 00:59:28,318 --> 00:59:29,778 Uh... 1371 00:59:30,445 --> 00:59:31,654 - "Clitoris"? - (door beeps) 1372 00:59:31,738 --> 00:59:34,157 - BARB: Enter, darling. - Yeah. 1373 00:59:34,240 --> 00:59:36,034 (classical music playing faintly over stereo) 1374 00:59:36,117 --> 00:59:38,036 (chuckles) Barb, this looks amazing. 1375 00:59:38,119 --> 00:59:40,622 Mm. I steal all the ingredients from the cafeteria. 1376 00:59:40,705 --> 00:59:42,207 (laughs) 1377 00:59:43,583 --> 00:59:46,878 Oh. Well, thank you. 1378 00:59:47,921 --> 00:59:48,838 Okay, also, I have to ask. 1379 00:59:48,922 --> 00:59:52,676 Your house is, like, really nice and super... 1380 00:59:52,759 --> 00:59:54,260 - Expensive. - Yeah. 1381 00:59:54,344 --> 00:59:56,971 Mm-hmm. Full disclosure. I have been married twice. 1382 00:59:57,055 --> 00:59:59,140 My second husband was very rich. 1383 00:59:59,224 --> 01:00:01,893 He invented the little robot vacuum. 1384 01:00:01,976 --> 01:00:03,019 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 1385 01:00:03,103 --> 01:00:04,396 I've always wanted one of those. 1386 01:00:04,479 --> 01:00:06,773 It was my idea. You know how it is. 1387 01:00:06,856 --> 01:00:08,858 Behind every great man is an even greater woman 1388 01:00:08,942 --> 01:00:10,735 doing all the invisible labor. 1389 01:00:10,819 --> 01:00:12,237 Mm, totally. 1390 01:00:12,320 --> 01:00:15,323 So, can I ask, uh, why didn't it work out? 1391 01:00:15,407 --> 01:00:18,827 Oh, uh, he couldn't keep up with me, sexually. 1392 01:00:18,910 --> 01:00:20,370 Also, he had a real problem 1393 01:00:20,453 --> 01:00:22,580 with my orgasm face, so I started faking it. 1394 01:00:22,664 --> 01:00:24,124 What face were you making? 1395 01:00:24,749 --> 01:00:26,376 (clears throat) 1396 01:00:26,459 --> 01:00:28,461 Ooh...! 1397 01:00:28,545 --> 01:00:30,964 Wow. I mean, that should be your profile picture. 1398 01:00:31,047 --> 01:00:33,299 - It is. - Oh. 1399 01:00:33,383 --> 01:00:35,176 Are you not gonna return the favor? 1400 01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:37,679 Go ahead. We're in a safe space. 1401 01:00:39,472 --> 01:00:41,975 - (moans) - Oh. 1402 01:00:42,058 --> 01:00:43,810 - That is good. - Yeah? 1403 01:00:43,893 --> 01:00:46,062 - Yeah. You go inward and I go outward. - Huh. 1404 01:00:47,230 --> 01:00:50,734 You know, I was repressing a lot of myself being with him. 1405 01:00:50,817 --> 01:00:53,862 - I didn't fart for six years. - Shit. 1406 01:00:53,945 --> 01:00:56,406 Maya, being in your class has been liberating. 1407 01:00:56,489 --> 01:00:57,657 That makes me really happy. 1408 01:00:57,741 --> 01:01:01,161 But I've been thinking, maybe I actually don't know what I'm doing, you know? 1409 01:01:01,244 --> 01:01:02,162 Maybe I should quit. 1410 01:01:02,245 --> 01:01:04,497 What?! No! 1411 01:01:04,581 --> 01:01:05,832 You cannot quit on those kids. 1412 01:01:05,915 --> 01:01:07,500 I'm-I'm not even a real teacher. 1413 01:01:07,584 --> 01:01:08,501 This isn't what I do. 1414 01:01:08,585 --> 01:01:11,254 Honey, I think it is what you do. 1415 01:01:12,964 --> 01:01:14,257 Hmm. 1416 01:01:14,341 --> 01:01:17,677 Ooh...! (groans) 1417 01:01:17,761 --> 01:01:18,845 (moans): Mm. 1418 01:01:18,928 --> 01:01:20,472 - Oh! - Ooh. 1419 01:01:20,555 --> 01:01:22,807 - Oh...! - Ooh... 1420 01:01:22,891 --> 01:01:25,643 ♪ ♪ 1421 01:01:34,778 --> 01:01:37,072 The sexual revolution was essential. 1422 01:01:37,155 --> 01:01:39,199 It worked to normalize contraception, 1423 01:01:39,282 --> 01:01:41,826 porn, premarital sex, 1424 01:01:41,910 --> 01:01:46,122 homosexuality, masturbation and abortions. 1425 01:01:50,627 --> 01:01:53,630 You know what? Maybe as a kid, 1426 01:01:53,713 --> 01:01:55,799 you were taught that even thinking about sex 1427 01:01:55,882 --> 01:01:57,842 meant you were a bad person. 1428 01:01:57,926 --> 01:01:59,594 They told you not to touch yourself down there 1429 01:01:59,678 --> 01:02:01,638 because then you'd get a weird disease on your fingers 1430 01:02:01,721 --> 01:02:04,182 and maybe they would fall off. Then you wouldn't be able to type 1431 01:02:04,265 --> 01:02:05,517 and get a professional degree, and then it's like, 1432 01:02:05,600 --> 01:02:08,019 how would you get back to America? 1433 01:02:08,103 --> 01:02:11,856 And now, every time you even come close to having an orgasm, 1434 01:02:11,940 --> 01:02:15,068 all you can think about is your grandmother's face. 1435 01:02:15,151 --> 01:02:16,361 You're so close. 1436 01:02:16,444 --> 01:02:18,279 Just like... (panting softly) 1437 01:02:18,363 --> 01:02:19,864 (pops lips) Nani. 1438 01:02:19,948 --> 01:02:21,241 (whispers): She's right there. 1439 01:02:24,244 --> 01:02:26,913 For too long, we've obsessed over this idea of 1440 01:02:26,996 --> 01:02:29,040 "What will other people think?" 1441 01:02:29,124 --> 01:02:31,084 'Cause we don't want to bring shame to ourselves 1442 01:02:31,167 --> 01:02:32,460 and to our families. 1443 01:02:32,544 --> 01:02:34,254 Well, kids, I'm here to tell you 1444 01:02:34,337 --> 01:02:37,298 that those days are over! 1445 01:02:37,382 --> 01:02:38,299 - Yeah, they are. - (overlapping agreements) 1446 01:02:38,383 --> 01:02:41,052 Because everyone gets horny. 1447 01:02:41,136 --> 01:02:43,722 - STUDENTS: Yeah! - Everyone has wet dreams. 1448 01:02:43,805 --> 01:02:44,848 - STUDENTS: Yeah! - STUDENT: Let's go. 1449 01:02:44,931 --> 01:02:48,977 And everybody's mother has licked their vibrator at some point. 1450 01:02:49,060 --> 01:02:50,145 (confused murmurs) 1451 01:02:50,228 --> 01:02:52,022 We need a sex ed revolution, 1452 01:02:52,105 --> 01:02:55,483 and it needs to start in this school today! 1453 01:02:55,567 --> 01:02:58,319 (cheering, whooping) 1454 01:02:59,946 --> 01:03:03,074 Am I right? Am I fucking right?! 1455 01:03:03,158 --> 01:03:05,285 FLETCHER: Ms... Ms. Singh! 1456 01:03:05,368 --> 01:03:07,037 Ms. Singh! Ms. Singh! 1457 01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:08,663 - Get down. Come on. Get down. - (cheering stops) 1458 01:03:08,747 --> 01:03:10,498 - Get down. - LINDA: Get down. 1459 01:03:10,582 --> 01:03:12,792 - Ms. Singh, get down. - Get down. 1460 01:03:12,876 --> 01:03:14,919 FLETCHER: Mrs. Smeighton, will you please take over 1461 01:03:15,003 --> 01:03:16,629 - while Ms. Singh is gone? Come on. - Yes, of course. 1462 01:03:16,713 --> 01:03:19,049 - (students booing) - (Fletcher shushing) 1463 01:03:19,132 --> 01:03:21,217 - STUDENT 1: No, come on! - STUDENT 2: No, Ms. Singh. 1464 01:03:21,301 --> 01:03:23,553 Let's take a walk. 1465 01:03:23,636 --> 01:03:26,389 - STUDENT 3: That's bullshit! - I heard that swear. 1466 01:03:26,473 --> 01:03:27,766 LINDA: Party's over. 1467 01:03:27,849 --> 01:03:29,392 Let's get this filth off the screen. 1468 01:03:30,935 --> 01:03:34,105 It's time for your sex education 1469 01:03:34,189 --> 01:03:35,482 to truly begin. 1470 01:03:35,565 --> 01:03:37,400 Do you know any sex positions? 1471 01:03:37,484 --> 01:03:38,777 Yeah, sure, I know a good sex position. 1472 01:03:38,860 --> 01:03:39,778 Syphilis. 1473 01:03:39,861 --> 01:03:42,072 (Jasmine sighs) 1474 01:03:42,155 --> 01:03:43,740 Have you lost your fucking mind? 1475 01:03:43,823 --> 01:03:45,909 I am teaching these kids valuable lessons, okay? 1476 01:03:45,992 --> 01:03:47,494 They're not learning this stuff at home. 1477 01:03:47,577 --> 01:03:49,704 I hired you to teach a strict curriculum 1478 01:03:49,788 --> 01:03:51,748 enforced by the state and the school board, 1479 01:03:51,831 --> 01:03:55,043 and you decided to become the Malala of sex education. 1480 01:03:55,126 --> 01:03:57,921 Now they've got my urethra wrapped around my neck like a noose. 1481 01:03:58,004 --> 01:03:58,922 When I started at this school, 1482 01:03:59,005 --> 01:04:02,759 one of my students thought the cervix was a new Tesla model. 1483 01:04:02,842 --> 01:04:06,971 And your mom sucking on your vibrator is educational how? 1484 01:04:07,055 --> 01:04:09,974 She wasn't sucking it. She just licked it. 1485 01:04:10,058 --> 01:04:11,935 I need to work at this school. 1486 01:04:12,018 --> 01:04:13,937 - I am learning so much. - Look at my hands. 1487 01:04:14,020 --> 01:04:16,272 - What? - Do you see anything in them? No. 1488 01:04:16,356 --> 01:04:19,734 Because this is officially in the hands of the school board now. 1489 01:04:20,443 --> 01:04:22,362 Okay. Fine. So who do I speak to? 1490 01:04:22,445 --> 01:04:25,615 Your only option is to make an appeal at the board's next meeting. 1491 01:04:25,699 --> 01:04:26,950 But I doubt it'll make a difference. 1492 01:04:27,033 --> 01:04:28,076 They're a bunch of tyrants. 1493 01:04:29,661 --> 01:04:30,495 When is it? 1494 01:04:32,122 --> 01:04:33,623 (sighs) 1495 01:04:33,707 --> 01:04:35,709 ♪ ♪ 1496 01:04:42,132 --> 01:04:44,134 Wait, Ms. Singh! 1497 01:04:45,051 --> 01:04:47,929 Sorry. I'm actually not your teacher anymore. 1498 01:04:48,013 --> 01:04:49,973 Mm, that sucks. 1499 01:04:50,056 --> 01:04:52,851 I just wanted to tell you I didn't have sex with my boyfriend. 1500 01:04:52,934 --> 01:04:54,185 Really? 1501 01:04:54,269 --> 01:04:55,520 He wasn't respecting my boundaries. 1502 01:04:56,521 --> 01:04:58,440 And he also wanted to do it to Chainsmokers. 1503 01:04:58,523 --> 01:05:01,818 Mm, yeah. That's a red flag. 1504 01:05:01,901 --> 01:05:04,404 But... (chuckles) good for you, Abbey. 1505 01:05:04,487 --> 01:05:06,906 (breathes deeply) I wish you could stay. 1506 01:05:06,990 --> 01:05:10,326 Mrs. Smeighton says every time you have premarital sex an angel dies. 1507 01:05:11,202 --> 01:05:12,579 Hmm. 1508 01:05:12,662 --> 01:05:15,040 Anyway, I should get back to class. 1509 01:05:15,123 --> 01:05:16,291 Yeah. 1510 01:05:18,543 --> 01:05:20,003 (sighs) 1511 01:05:20,086 --> 01:05:22,422 (students groaning, muttering in classroom) 1512 01:05:22,505 --> 01:05:24,257 STUDENT: I want to look away, but I can't. 1513 01:05:24,341 --> 01:05:26,593 (baby crying on video) 1514 01:05:26,676 --> 01:05:29,095 LINDA: And now let's watch the video in reverse 1515 01:05:29,179 --> 01:05:31,139 so the baby goes back in. 1516 01:05:31,222 --> 01:05:33,224 - (students groaning, muttering) - (squelching on video) 1517 01:05:39,064 --> 01:05:40,523 (squelching and crying continue on video) 1518 01:05:40,607 --> 01:05:42,901 (students groaning) 1519 01:05:42,984 --> 01:05:44,235 (horn honks) 1520 01:05:48,615 --> 01:05:51,159 Get in, loser. We're going TPing. 1521 01:05:51,785 --> 01:05:53,161 Yeah, I'm not in the mood, Jess. 1522 01:05:53,745 --> 01:05:55,080 Ah. Me neither. 1523 01:05:55,163 --> 01:05:58,124 Honestly, Tonya and I got in this huge fight at Target. 1524 01:05:58,208 --> 01:05:59,959 We don't fuck as much as we used to. 1525 01:06:03,838 --> 01:06:05,674 Come on. High school bucket list. 1526 01:06:05,757 --> 01:06:07,550 TP the principal's house. 1527 01:06:07,634 --> 01:06:09,052 I mean, the bitch deserves it. 1528 01:06:09,886 --> 01:06:11,096 {\an8}What is that gonna accomplish? 1529 01:06:12,555 --> 01:06:15,642 I don't know, Aunty. It'll make us feel good? 1530 01:06:15,725 --> 01:06:17,060 Why am I even listening to you? 1531 01:06:17,143 --> 01:06:19,729 {\an8}Not everything is about feeling good, Jess. 1532 01:06:19,813 --> 01:06:21,648 - I never said that. - Yeah, eventually, 1533 01:06:21,731 --> 01:06:24,859 {\an8}you just have to, like, grow up and be responsible. 1534 01:06:24,943 --> 01:06:27,987 Seriously? You're telling me to grow up? 1535 01:06:28,071 --> 01:06:30,407 (sputters, laughs) That is... That's funny. 1536 01:06:30,490 --> 01:06:31,991 {\an8}Why? Huh? 'Cause I'm a virgin? 1537 01:06:32,075 --> 01:06:35,161 No. 'Cause you're stuck on some childhood trauma, 1538 01:06:35,245 --> 01:06:37,163 and you expect everyone else to accommodate. 1539 01:06:37,247 --> 01:06:38,748 {\an8}A-And now you're lashing out at me 1540 01:06:38,832 --> 01:06:42,252 even though I've done nothing but help you since you got back. 1541 01:06:43,211 --> 01:06:44,879 {\an8}Well, I didn't realize you were keeping score. 1542 01:06:44,963 --> 01:06:46,381 {\an8}Yeah, what are you, my therapist? 1543 01:06:46,464 --> 01:06:47,882 {\an8}You're gonna send me a fucking invoice? 1544 01:06:47,966 --> 01:06:49,551 {\an8}You know what your problem is? You're salty 1545 01:06:49,634 --> 01:06:52,220 because I'm not afraid of intimacy and you are. 1546 01:06:52,303 --> 01:06:53,638 {\an8}Here's the thing. 1547 01:06:54,389 --> 01:06:56,433 {\an8}- I don't need your help. - Oh. 1548 01:06:56,516 --> 01:06:57,934 {\an8}'Cause I don't want to be like you. 1549 01:06:58,018 --> 01:07:00,145 {\an8}Okay? I don't want to have sex two times a day 1550 01:07:00,228 --> 01:07:01,938 {\an8}or finger-fuck a papaya, okay? 1551 01:07:02,022 --> 01:07:04,149 {\an8}Because you know why? It's not a good look. 1552 01:07:04,232 --> 01:07:05,942 It's embarrassing. 1553 01:07:06,026 --> 01:07:07,444 Wow. 1554 01:07:13,033 --> 01:07:15,076 You're fucked-up, dude. 1555 01:07:15,160 --> 01:07:16,661 That's not my problem. 1556 01:07:17,454 --> 01:07:19,581 (engine starts) 1557 01:07:19,664 --> 01:07:22,292 You'll need this 'cause you're a fucking asshole! 1558 01:07:22,375 --> 01:07:23,960 (horn honks) 1559 01:07:26,338 --> 01:07:28,506 ("Misery" by SIM playing) 1560 01:07:42,103 --> 01:07:44,272 ♪ I'm trying to find a way ♪ 1561 01:07:44,356 --> 01:07:46,149 ♪ Find the words to say ♪ 1562 01:07:46,232 --> 01:07:48,318 ♪ With every passing day ♪ 1563 01:07:48,401 --> 01:07:52,364 ♪ I know it's not the same no more ♪ 1564 01:07:52,447 --> 01:07:55,533 ♪ You had me in your hold, I know... ♪ 1565 01:07:55,617 --> 01:07:58,870 ANDRES (over TV): I've been wanting to do something for quite a while. 1566 01:07:58,953 --> 01:08:00,705 ♪ Now it's silence through the phone ♪ 1567 01:08:00,789 --> 01:08:02,749 ♪ Held onto this too long ♪ 1568 01:08:02,832 --> 01:08:04,626 ♪ Your faults and your mistakes ♪ 1569 01:08:04,709 --> 01:08:07,003 ♪ They don't hurt me anymore ♪ 1570 01:08:07,087 --> 01:08:08,797 (chatter over TV continues indistinctly) 1571 01:08:08,880 --> 01:08:11,049 ♪ I just don't know what to say, no... ♪ 1572 01:08:11,132 --> 01:08:15,095 {\an8}- Let me get my ID. - That's okay. You look old enough. 1573 01:08:15,178 --> 01:08:17,055 {\an8}♪ And it's 3:00 in the morning ♪ 1574 01:08:17,138 --> 01:08:19,808 {\an8}♪ And I wanna feel your touch ♪ 1575 01:08:19,891 --> 01:08:21,226 ♪ I want to hate you ♪ 1576 01:08:21,309 --> 01:08:24,938 ♪ But I'm, I'm still in love ♪ 1577 01:08:26,481 --> 01:08:30,235 ♪ And I feel too much... ♪ 1578 01:08:30,318 --> 01:08:32,362 - DRIVER: Hi. - Hey. 1579 01:08:32,445 --> 01:08:33,947 (song continues quietly over car stereo) 1580 01:08:35,532 --> 01:08:36,950 Maya? 1581 01:08:37,033 --> 01:08:38,493 Yeah, that's me. 1582 01:08:39,869 --> 01:08:41,996 Hey. Maya. 1583 01:08:42,080 --> 01:08:43,707 It's me. 1584 01:08:43,790 --> 01:08:44,666 Sohan. 1585 01:08:47,085 --> 01:08:48,712 - Sohan? - Yeah. 1586 01:08:48,795 --> 01:08:49,963 What the fuck are you doing here? 1587 01:08:50,046 --> 01:08:51,756 This is my job. You're in my office. 1588 01:08:51,840 --> 01:08:53,258 What the fuck are you doing here? 1589 01:08:53,341 --> 01:08:55,218 - I thought you were in India. - I came back. 1590 01:08:55,301 --> 01:08:57,262 - Holy shit. - Holy shit. Yeah. 1591 01:08:57,345 --> 01:08:58,555 What have you been up to? 1592 01:08:58,638 --> 01:09:00,807 Well, I-I was a sex ed teacher. 1593 01:09:01,975 --> 01:09:03,643 And then I got fired because the school thought 1594 01:09:03,727 --> 01:09:05,854 I was being inappropriate with my students. 1595 01:09:05,937 --> 01:09:08,231 Yeah, even though I was just being a badass bitch. 1596 01:09:08,314 --> 01:09:09,607 - Ah, damn. - Yeah. 1597 01:09:10,567 --> 01:09:13,361 But I'm actually a computer engineer. 1598 01:09:13,445 --> 01:09:15,697 I'm launching my own app soon, so... 1599 01:09:15,780 --> 01:09:18,158 - Damn. - Yeah. 1600 01:09:18,241 --> 01:09:21,286 Okay, well, uh, this was gonna be my last ride 1601 01:09:21,369 --> 01:09:23,747 of the night anyway, so... 1602 01:09:26,708 --> 01:09:28,126 You trying to fuck with some Molly? 1603 01:09:29,294 --> 01:09:31,004 Mm... 1604 01:09:31,087 --> 01:09:32,505 ("Die For Me" by Yanchan, SVDP & Kothu Boys playing) 1605 01:09:32,589 --> 01:09:34,341 - MAYA: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - SOHAN: Yeah. 1606 01:09:34,424 --> 01:09:36,301 Oh, my God. Mm, yeah. 1607 01:09:36,384 --> 01:09:38,470 (panting) 1608 01:09:39,387 --> 01:09:43,516 Ooh, Maya, you are still so sexy. 1609 01:09:43,600 --> 01:09:46,061 (both moaning) 1610 01:09:46,144 --> 01:09:49,439 You were, like, the first guy I ever had feelings for. 1611 01:09:49,522 --> 01:09:51,524 Can't believe I'm gonna lose it to you. 1612 01:09:51,608 --> 01:09:53,860 Mm-hmm. Wait, what? What? Lose what? 1613 01:09:53,943 --> 01:09:56,446 I just meant like, you know, lose control 1614 01:09:56,529 --> 01:09:59,115 and just go wild while we just... sex. 1615 01:09:59,199 --> 01:10:01,409 I was so in love with you. 1616 01:10:01,493 --> 01:10:02,952 - Yeah? - It sucked when you moved. 1617 01:10:03,036 --> 01:10:05,413 I mean, it wa-- it was for the best, right? 1618 01:10:05,497 --> 01:10:07,582 I mean, how did you keep going to school? 1619 01:10:07,665 --> 01:10:10,085 Wasn't it so humiliating? 1620 01:10:10,168 --> 01:10:11,544 No, not really. 1621 01:10:12,504 --> 01:10:15,090 Mm, what do you mean, "No, not really"? 1622 01:10:15,173 --> 01:10:16,466 (chuckles): I mean, we were kids. 1623 01:10:16,549 --> 01:10:19,177 And also, it helped me get a girlfriend after you left. 1624 01:10:20,762 --> 01:10:22,639 - (forced chuckle) - (moans) 1625 01:10:22,722 --> 01:10:26,184 So, let me get this straight. 1626 01:10:26,267 --> 01:10:30,021 Uh, I got sent away, and you got a girlfriend 1627 01:10:30,105 --> 01:10:32,399 and a fun memory? 1628 01:10:33,316 --> 01:10:35,360 Are you... mad? 1629 01:10:35,443 --> 01:10:37,529 (chuckles) I thought you wouldn't give a shit. 1630 01:10:37,612 --> 01:10:38,863 I mean, you're Maya. 1631 01:10:38,947 --> 01:10:40,448 What does that even mean? 1632 01:10:40,532 --> 01:10:43,034 It means you're a badass. Right? 1633 01:10:43,660 --> 01:10:45,495 Yeah. 1634 01:10:45,578 --> 01:10:48,957 Now I'm just an unemployed half-teacher. 1635 01:10:50,625 --> 01:10:55,338 Well, you are the sexiest half-teacher 1636 01:10:55,422 --> 01:10:56,840 - I've ever seen. - (pants unzip) 1637 01:11:00,719 --> 01:11:03,805 Holy shit. 1638 01:11:03,888 --> 01:11:04,931 (inhales sharply) 1639 01:11:05,015 --> 01:11:07,017 Okay. 1640 01:11:07,892 --> 01:11:09,811 Did your dick eat a Super Mario mushroom? 1641 01:11:09,894 --> 01:11:11,938 'Cause that shit is twice the size. 1642 01:11:12,022 --> 01:11:13,606 I used to be proud of it, but honestly, 1643 01:11:13,690 --> 01:11:15,442 it's caused a lot of problems in my intimate life 1644 01:11:15,525 --> 01:11:16,651 over the last few years. 1645 01:11:16,735 --> 01:11:18,153 Uh-huh. 1646 01:11:24,034 --> 01:11:26,828 (panting softly) 1647 01:11:26,911 --> 01:11:30,206 NANI (voice-over): Look. She's offering two mangoes to the king. 1648 01:11:30,707 --> 01:11:31,750 ECHOING VOICE: Come on, stoner. 1649 01:11:32,792 --> 01:11:35,086 NANI (voice-over): What a big, strong snake. 1650 01:11:35,170 --> 01:11:38,131 SOHAN: Hey, um, are you okay? 1651 01:11:38,214 --> 01:11:39,632 Maya? 1652 01:11:39,716 --> 01:11:41,301 - Are you okay? - (gasps, grunts) 1653 01:11:41,384 --> 01:11:44,679 ("Take to the Sky" by Alan Parker playing) 1654 01:12:00,070 --> 01:12:02,155 (distorted): Yeah, that's my boy, Sohan! 1655 01:12:02,238 --> 01:12:04,199 ♪ ♪ 1656 01:12:14,918 --> 01:12:17,545 {\an8}NANI (voice-over): Extra careful. 1657 01:12:18,421 --> 01:12:20,090 {\an8}YOUNG MAYA: Maya? 1658 01:12:20,799 --> 01:12:23,760 {\an8}Maya? Maya? 1659 01:12:29,808 --> 01:12:31,017 Oh, my God. 1660 01:12:31,101 --> 01:12:32,727 Is this the penetration fever? 1661 01:12:32,811 --> 01:12:34,437 - Did I lose my virginity? - No. 1662 01:12:34,521 --> 01:12:36,731 - You're on drugs, bro. - Wha-- 1663 01:12:37,565 --> 01:12:38,733 Fuck! 1664 01:12:38,817 --> 01:12:41,152 Ugh! I was so close. 1665 01:12:41,236 --> 01:12:43,279 Why are you such a weirdo with sex? 1666 01:12:43,363 --> 01:12:44,739 God, what happened to me? 1667 01:12:44,823 --> 01:12:46,282 I've always been like this, okay? 1668 01:12:46,366 --> 01:12:48,493 - Something is wrong with me. - That's not true. 1669 01:12:48,576 --> 01:12:51,830 Because just a few seconds ago, I showed Sohan my bomb-ass tits 1670 01:12:51,913 --> 01:12:53,623 and I saw his penis. 1671 01:12:53,707 --> 01:12:55,792 (moans) 1672 01:12:55,875 --> 01:12:58,294 - (chuckles) - Minus him coming in my pupil, 1673 01:12:58,378 --> 01:13:00,880 - I liked the whole thing. - I was judged. 1674 01:13:00,964 --> 01:13:02,924 Okay, I felt ashamed for being some sort of sexual freak, 1675 01:13:03,008 --> 01:13:05,093 and now I feel like a freak for not being sexual enough. 1676 01:13:05,176 --> 01:13:06,720 I just-- I don't know what people want from me. 1677 01:13:06,803 --> 01:13:09,889 So, when I grow up, I let other people decide what's right for me? 1678 01:13:09,973 --> 01:13:11,182 That sounds like some bullshit. 1679 01:13:11,266 --> 01:13:12,851 It's not that simple. 1680 01:13:12,934 --> 01:13:14,519 Isn't it, for you at least? 1681 01:13:14,602 --> 01:13:16,438 I mean, I'm getting sent away in a few days, 1682 01:13:16,521 --> 01:13:18,565 but you're an adult now, and you can decide 1683 01:13:18,648 --> 01:13:20,692 - what's right for you. - SOHAN (echoing): Maya? 1684 01:13:20,775 --> 01:13:23,820 You have a lot to unlearn, Maya. 1685 01:13:24,529 --> 01:13:26,656 SOHAN: Maya? Maya? 1686 01:13:26,740 --> 01:13:28,450 - YOUNG MAYA: Maya? - SOHAN: Wake up. 1687 01:13:28,533 --> 01:13:30,535 Maya! 1688 01:13:30,618 --> 01:13:31,953 Hey. 1689 01:13:32,037 --> 01:13:34,914 Holy shit! Sohan, that was amazing. 1690 01:13:35,582 --> 01:13:36,583 We didn't do anything. 1691 01:13:36,666 --> 01:13:38,835 I just had a major life realization. 1692 01:13:38,918 --> 01:13:42,630 Whoa. You know, every time you see my wiener, 1693 01:13:42,714 --> 01:13:44,215 you go through a major change. 1694 01:13:44,299 --> 01:13:46,634 Good luck with your, uh, situation, man. 1695 01:13:46,718 --> 01:13:49,387 - Yeah, it's a problem. - Yeah. 1696 01:13:49,471 --> 01:13:51,931 And, yo, fuck what those people say. 1697 01:13:52,015 --> 01:13:53,641 Show the world your boobs. 1698 01:13:53,725 --> 01:13:55,268 They're beautiful. 1699 01:13:55,352 --> 01:13:56,811 ("Like Dat" by Olivier Bibeau playing) 1700 01:13:56,895 --> 01:13:59,606 Thanks. (sighs) 1701 01:13:59,689 --> 01:14:01,691 - ♪ You wanna do it like that ♪ - ♪ Like that ♪ 1702 01:14:01,775 --> 01:14:03,610 - ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Do it like we do it ♪ 1703 01:14:03,693 --> 01:14:06,196 - ♪ Do it like we do it ♪ - ♪ Like that ♪ 1704 01:14:06,279 --> 01:14:07,781 ♪ Ooh ♪ 1705 01:14:08,406 --> 01:14:11,201 - ♪ You wanna do it like that ♪ - ♪ Like that ♪ 1706 01:14:11,284 --> 01:14:12,494 ♪ Ooh ♪ 1707 01:14:12,577 --> 01:14:15,455 ♪ Oh-ay Like that ♪ 1708 01:14:15,538 --> 01:14:18,750 - ♪ You wanna do it like that ♪ - ♪ Oh-ay, ay-oh ♪ 1709 01:14:18,833 --> 01:14:21,002 - ♪ We fly and we know it ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪ 1710 01:14:21,086 --> 01:14:23,338 - ♪ Ain't no other way to show it ♪ - ♪ No, no, no ♪ 1711 01:14:23,421 --> 01:14:25,465 ♪ Gotta do it like we do it Do it like we do it ♪ 1712 01:14:25,548 --> 01:14:28,134 ♪ Do it like we do it Do it like we do it ♪ 1713 01:14:28,218 --> 01:14:29,761 - ♪ We fly and we know it ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪ 1714 01:14:29,844 --> 01:14:32,931 ♪ Ain't no other way to show it... ♪ 1715 01:14:33,014 --> 01:14:34,974 MAYA (over stereo): High school bucket list, bitch. 1716 01:14:35,058 --> 01:14:37,811 Make a mix CD for your best friend. I'm sorry. 1717 01:14:37,894 --> 01:14:39,938 Also it's really hard to burn a CD these days. 1718 01:14:40,021 --> 01:14:42,565 ♪ Just one of these days ♪ 1719 01:14:42,649 --> 01:14:44,651 ♪ ♪ 1720 01:14:48,405 --> 01:14:51,157 ♪ Just one of these days. ♪ 1721 01:14:51,241 --> 01:14:53,201 (song ends) 1722 01:14:54,452 --> 01:14:57,497 So we will be doing a fundraiser in January 1723 01:14:57,580 --> 01:15:00,417 as cafeteria costs just keep ballooning. 1724 01:15:01,209 --> 01:15:04,838 Next order of business is to discuss the concerns that we've had 1725 01:15:04,921 --> 01:15:06,881 regarding our sex education program. 1726 01:15:06,965 --> 01:15:09,467 Specifically its instructor, Ms. Singh. 1727 01:15:09,551 --> 01:15:13,054 Ms. Singh has asked to have her position reinstated. 1728 01:15:13,138 --> 01:15:15,974 And I think that we owe it to her to hear her out. 1729 01:15:16,057 --> 01:15:17,058 So... 1730 01:15:19,853 --> 01:15:24,983 Hear what? She's got to go before she Kama Sutras our school! 1731 01:15:25,066 --> 01:15:26,943 - Lock her up! - Yeah. 1732 01:15:27,027 --> 01:15:28,194 (overlapping arguing) 1733 01:15:28,278 --> 01:15:30,280 I say let's hear her out. 1734 01:15:30,363 --> 01:15:33,366 Maybe there's a reason she's been acting like a dumb bitch. 1735 01:15:39,748 --> 01:15:40,582 (clears throat) 1736 01:15:42,500 --> 01:15:44,461 Hello, everyone. 1737 01:15:44,544 --> 01:15:46,254 My name is Maya Singh. 1738 01:15:48,131 --> 01:15:49,632 And I'm a virgin. 1739 01:15:49,716 --> 01:15:51,092 (crowd gasping, murmuring) 1740 01:15:51,176 --> 01:15:52,802 I know that's hard to believe at my age. 1741 01:15:52,886 --> 01:15:54,387 I've come to terms with the fact that I got 1742 01:15:54,471 --> 01:15:56,806 white pubes before ever getting laid. 1743 01:15:57,474 --> 01:16:01,227 Thing is, as a kid, you're taught to be scared of sex. 1744 01:16:01,311 --> 01:16:02,854 Especially if you're a girl. 1745 01:16:02,937 --> 01:16:06,149 It was always, "You immediately get pregnant." 1746 01:16:06,232 --> 01:16:07,609 "And your hymen will explode." 1747 01:16:08,651 --> 01:16:12,322 I never got the talk. I don't know shit about my body. 1748 01:16:12,405 --> 01:16:14,240 I'm horrified of going to the gyno, 1749 01:16:14,324 --> 01:16:17,660 and I still don't even know how to put a tampon in. 1750 01:16:17,744 --> 01:16:20,538 I used to blame my mom and my grandma 1751 01:16:20,622 --> 01:16:22,624 for calling my vagina "shame-shame." 1752 01:16:22,707 --> 01:16:24,209 Yeah, but the truth is, 1753 01:16:24,292 --> 01:16:26,086 they're messed up because of the same system 1754 01:16:26,169 --> 01:16:28,296 I'm fighting here today. 1755 01:16:28,380 --> 01:16:31,675 And no, before you say, it's not "an Indian thing." 1756 01:16:31,758 --> 01:16:33,051 It's a universal thing. 1757 01:16:33,718 --> 01:16:37,347 I used to think that we should censor the world from kids. 1758 01:16:37,430 --> 01:16:39,265 But after meeting yours, 1759 01:16:39,349 --> 01:16:42,060 I feel like maybe we should give them the right tools instead. 1760 01:16:42,894 --> 01:16:45,271 That's why I created "The Talk." 1761 01:16:45,355 --> 01:16:46,648 A sex education app. 1762 01:16:46,731 --> 01:16:48,316 For the kids in my class. 1763 01:16:48,400 --> 01:16:49,859 Let me show you. 1764 01:16:51,861 --> 01:16:53,071 (crowd gasping, murmuring) 1765 01:16:54,531 --> 01:16:57,075 MAYA: Wrong one! Wrong one! Sorry! 1766 01:16:57,158 --> 01:16:58,284 (laughing) 1767 01:16:59,994 --> 01:17:02,205 There we go. "The Talk." 1768 01:17:02,288 --> 01:17:05,125 Through the comfort of the app, your kids can ask you, 1769 01:17:05,208 --> 01:17:07,794 their teachers, the community, questions about sex. 1770 01:17:07,877 --> 01:17:10,547 And there's a database of information for both sides. 1771 01:17:10,630 --> 01:17:12,298 Because let's be real. 1772 01:17:12,382 --> 01:17:14,384 You don't know what the fuck your kids are talking about. 1773 01:17:14,467 --> 01:17:15,802 And if things get really awkward, 1774 01:17:15,885 --> 01:17:17,846 you can even gamify the conversation. 1775 01:17:20,557 --> 01:17:22,267 - Get her out of here! - (crowd murmuring) 1776 01:17:22,350 --> 01:17:24,561 - Shame! - Shame! Shame! 1777 01:17:24,644 --> 01:17:26,771 (others shouting "Shame!") 1778 01:17:26,855 --> 01:17:28,481 - Okay, everybody. - (clamoring continues) 1779 01:17:30,442 --> 01:17:31,693 (whistle blows) 1780 01:17:31,776 --> 01:17:33,069 Quiet, everyone! 1781 01:17:33,153 --> 01:17:34,279 (crowd quiets) 1782 01:17:34,362 --> 01:17:37,365 Ms. Singh may not be perfect. 1783 01:17:37,449 --> 01:17:38,950 In fact, she's-she's far from perfect. 1784 01:17:39,034 --> 01:17:40,827 Like, like, really far. I mean, 1785 01:17:40,910 --> 01:17:43,621 she hasn't even given us a test or anything. 1786 01:17:44,372 --> 01:17:46,624 But she's the best teacher we've ever had. 1787 01:17:47,459 --> 01:17:49,836 When I told Ms. Singh I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend, 1788 01:17:49,919 --> 01:17:51,671 she didn't treat me like delinquent. 1789 01:17:51,755 --> 01:17:53,381 No, she actually listened to me. 1790 01:17:53,465 --> 01:17:55,216 Ms. Singh empowered me to make my own decisions 1791 01:17:55,300 --> 01:17:57,218 and gave me the tools to do that. 1792 01:17:58,470 --> 01:17:59,554 And I'm thankful. 1793 01:18:01,723 --> 01:18:03,058 (quietly): Thank you. 1794 01:18:05,060 --> 01:18:07,312 - I'm a virgin! - (crowd gasping, murmuring) 1795 01:18:07,395 --> 01:18:08,938 Yeah, me, too. 1796 01:18:09,022 --> 01:18:11,232 I've had the chance to smash. 1797 01:18:11,316 --> 01:18:13,902 Lots of times, but I-I didn't. 1798 01:18:13,985 --> 01:18:15,111 Because... 1799 01:18:16,237 --> 01:18:17,530 I don't really know how to do it. 1800 01:18:17,614 --> 01:18:19,449 I used to be embarrassed about that, 1801 01:18:19,532 --> 01:18:21,659 but not anymore, thanks to Ms. Singh. 1802 01:18:22,369 --> 01:18:24,954 Plus, I know my girlfriend loves me anyway. 1803 01:18:27,248 --> 01:18:28,375 I'm gay. 1804 01:18:28,458 --> 01:18:30,168 - (crowd murmuring) - JESS: Yes! Yes! 1805 01:18:30,251 --> 01:18:31,753 - (exhales) - What? 1806 01:18:32,337 --> 01:18:34,339 I didn’t realize it until Ms. Singh's class. 1807 01:18:34,422 --> 01:18:36,758 I'm, like, definitely on the spectrum. 1808 01:18:36,841 --> 01:18:38,093 It feels so good. 1809 01:18:38,176 --> 01:18:39,469 - (applause) - JESS: Get it, girl. 1810 01:18:41,971 --> 01:18:43,181 Women sleep with me because 1811 01:18:43,264 --> 01:18:45,642 - they think I'm Harrison Ford. - (crowd chuckling) 1812 01:18:45,725 --> 01:18:48,978 - I masturbate to Shark Week. - (crowd gasping) 1813 01:18:49,062 --> 01:18:51,606 I like Jesus, but I love gay porn. 1814 01:18:51,690 --> 01:18:53,608 - (scattered cheers) - WOMAN: Yeah! 1815 01:18:53,692 --> 01:18:56,152 I'm still a virgin, but I've done anal! 1816 01:18:56,236 --> 01:18:57,946 (scattered gasps, applause) 1817 01:18:58,029 --> 01:19:00,448 I'm in love with my math teacher. 1818 01:19:00,532 --> 01:19:02,242 That's right. I love you, Ms. Smeighton. 1819 01:19:03,284 --> 01:19:04,327 What we have is special. 1820 01:19:04,411 --> 01:19:05,704 Oh, God. 1821 01:19:05,787 --> 01:19:07,747 Fuck me sideways. 1822 01:19:07,831 --> 01:19:09,624 (hip-hop music playing over stereo) 1823 01:19:09,708 --> 01:19:11,543 You said make a grand gesture, right? 1824 01:19:13,586 --> 01:19:15,797 ♪ Me and you, we're the perfect equation ♪ 1825 01:19:15,880 --> 01:19:18,425 ♪ Subtract your clothes and I feel a sensation ♪ 1826 01:19:18,508 --> 01:19:20,760 ♪ Take off your alge-bra, and you'll see ♪ 1827 01:19:20,844 --> 01:19:23,221 ♪ My ding-dong go up 45 degrees ♪ 1828 01:19:23,304 --> 01:19:24,514 - Oh, my God. - ♪ You can find me ♪ 1829 01:19:24,597 --> 01:19:26,516 ♪ Squeezing Ms. Smeighton ♪ 1830 01:19:26,599 --> 01:19:28,351 ♪ This little math cutie she got my ruler leakin' ♪ 1831 01:19:28,435 --> 01:19:30,687 ♪ This teacher is a freak and mmm ♪ 1832 01:19:30,770 --> 01:19:33,523 ♪ She got the right angles, Pythagorean theorem ♪ 1833 01:19:33,606 --> 01:19:37,068 (stammers) I don't know what this young man is talking about. 1834 01:19:37,152 --> 01:19:39,195 I'm trying to show you that I'm serious. 1835 01:19:39,279 --> 01:19:40,613 I'm not just a kid. 1836 01:19:41,281 --> 01:19:42,490 I want to be with you, Linda. 1837 01:19:42,574 --> 01:19:44,951 (crowd gasping, murmuring) 1838 01:19:45,035 --> 01:19:47,746 - Oh, uh... Huh? - What on earth is going on here? 1839 01:19:47,829 --> 01:19:50,290 This is clearly a very sick joke. 1840 01:19:50,373 --> 01:19:52,667 - I mean, I barely know this student. - What? 1841 01:19:52,751 --> 01:19:55,628 Linda, what about all the times 1842 01:19:55,712 --> 01:19:57,464 we made sweet love in the supply closet? 1843 01:19:57,547 --> 01:19:59,382 - (crowd gasping, murmuring) - (Jess laughing) 1844 01:19:59,466 --> 01:20:01,468 She told me to delete it off my phone, but... 1845 01:20:01,551 --> 01:20:02,927 it's still in the cloud! 1846 01:20:03,011 --> 01:20:05,889 - Oh! - (crowd gasping, clamoring) 1847 01:20:05,972 --> 01:20:08,391 Oh, my God, that's not me! That is not me! 1848 01:20:08,475 --> 01:20:10,602 - And I will cherish it forever. - Go, Jason! 1849 01:20:10,685 --> 01:20:12,645 Everyone, please remain calm! 1850 01:20:12,729 --> 01:20:14,230 (clamoring continues) 1851 01:20:14,314 --> 01:20:15,940 STUDENT: Damn, she got a sidepiece! 1852 01:20:16,024 --> 01:20:17,609 Not so fast, bitch juice. 1853 01:20:19,402 --> 01:20:21,363 - (whistle blows) - (panting) 1854 01:20:21,446 --> 01:20:23,573 The police have been called. 1855 01:20:23,656 --> 01:20:27,577 I wouldn't go anywhere if I were you, you perv. 1856 01:20:27,660 --> 01:20:29,662 (crowd quiets) 1857 01:20:31,373 --> 01:20:33,667 Sex can be good. 1858 01:20:33,750 --> 01:20:35,377 (crowd groaning, muttering) 1859 01:20:36,211 --> 01:20:38,171 - FLETCHER: Linda. - (sirens wailing) 1860 01:20:38,254 --> 01:20:39,798 (indistinct police radio chatter) 1861 01:20:39,881 --> 01:20:42,801 OFFICER: Uh, suspect is in custody. Beige dress. 1862 01:20:42,884 --> 01:20:45,929 Kind of looks like Scott Pilgrim with tits. 1863 01:20:46,012 --> 01:20:48,306 I bet her orgasm face sucks ass. 1864 01:20:48,390 --> 01:20:49,641 Totally. 1865 01:20:49,724 --> 01:20:51,017 I'll wait for you, Linda! 1866 01:20:51,101 --> 01:20:53,269 Kid, fuck someone your own age. 1867 01:20:54,354 --> 01:20:56,189 Speaking of fucking somebody your own age. 1868 01:20:57,399 --> 01:20:58,858 - MAYA: Oh. - Eh? 1869 01:21:01,611 --> 01:21:04,072 - Hey. - Hey. 1870 01:21:04,155 --> 01:21:07,575 - Your speech was brave. - Thanks. (chuckles) 1871 01:21:07,659 --> 01:21:09,953 - It's, uh, already viral. - (on phone): I'm a virgin. 1872 01:21:10,036 --> 01:21:13,081 {\an8}- I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. - (screeching) 1873 01:21:13,164 --> 01:21:15,792 - 200,000 views. Fun. - WOMAN (on video): I love gay porn. 1874 01:21:15,875 --> 01:21:17,335 - (chuckles) - (video stops) 1875 01:21:17,919 --> 01:21:22,424 So, I'm a... virgin that projected onto you. 1876 01:21:23,425 --> 01:21:25,385 You probably think I'm such a loser. 1877 01:21:26,845 --> 01:21:28,346 Actually, I find it refreshing. 1878 01:21:29,848 --> 01:21:30,974 Shut up, Allux. 1879 01:21:31,057 --> 01:21:32,726 I'm serious. 1880 01:21:33,351 --> 01:21:34,769 Hey, um... 1881 01:21:35,603 --> 01:21:36,813 do you want to... 1882 01:21:38,440 --> 01:21:40,608 ...go to the Spring Fling together? 1883 01:21:42,861 --> 01:21:44,279 (laughs) 1884 01:21:45,488 --> 01:21:46,656 I'd love to. 1885 01:21:46,740 --> 01:21:48,033 (laughs) 1886 01:21:49,284 --> 01:21:50,410 If I'm allowed. 1887 01:21:50,493 --> 01:21:52,203 Oh. 1888 01:21:52,287 --> 01:21:53,455 BARB: Spring Fling on that dick! 1889 01:21:55,540 --> 01:21:57,625 - (chuckles) - ALEX: Nice. 1890 01:21:57,709 --> 01:22:00,128 - MAYA (on video): I'm a virgin. - MADISON (on video): I've done anal! 1891 01:22:00,211 --> 01:22:01,838 - MAYA: I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. - (sighs) 1892 01:22:01,921 --> 01:22:04,007 - I'm-I'm... - (upbeat music playing) 1893 01:22:04,090 --> 01:22:06,009 - JASON: Ding-dong. - WOMAN: I love gay porn! 1894 01:22:06,092 --> 01:22:07,594 Porn. Porn. 1895 01:22:07,677 --> 01:22:09,220 MAN: Women sleep with me because they think 1896 01:22:09,304 --> 01:22:11,556 I'm Harrison Ford. Ford. Ford. 1897 01:22:11,639 --> 01:22:13,641 - MAYA: I'm a virgin. - JASON: Ding-dong, ding-dong. 1898 01:22:13,725 --> 01:22:15,977 - I'm in love with my math teacher! - MAYA: I'm a virgin. 1899 01:22:16,061 --> 01:22:17,354 Your aunty sent it to me. 1900 01:22:17,437 --> 01:22:18,897 - (video stops) - (sighs) 1901 01:22:18,980 --> 01:22:21,483 Her eyebrow lady's daughter's best friend was there. 1902 01:22:21,566 --> 01:22:23,234 Of course. You had a mole. 1903 01:22:23,318 --> 01:22:25,653 You've been lying this whole time? 1904 01:22:25,737 --> 01:22:28,615 - What happened to computer science? - It was only temporary, okay? 1905 01:22:28,698 --> 01:22:32,160 I had to teach sex ed to research my demo. It was for funding. 1906 01:22:32,243 --> 01:22:34,496 You think people are going to fund your app? 1907 01:22:34,579 --> 01:22:36,748 They don't even respect you as a half-teacher. 1908 01:22:37,332 --> 01:22:40,502 And why are you announcing your personal matters to the world? 1909 01:22:40,585 --> 01:22:42,879 These subjects should be private, especially a... 1910 01:22:42,962 --> 01:22:45,173 Woman? You know what, Mom? 1911 01:22:45,256 --> 01:22:46,716 I don't accept that anymore. 1912 01:22:47,300 --> 01:22:50,595 Our culture is full of badass women. 1913 01:22:50,679 --> 01:22:54,140 Nani. Like, every aunty I've ever met. You. 1914 01:22:54,224 --> 01:22:56,101 You're literally fearless, 1915 01:22:56,184 --> 01:22:58,436 except when it comes time to doing what's best for you. 1916 01:22:58,520 --> 01:23:00,689 Leave me out of this, Maya. 1917 01:23:00,772 --> 01:23:02,315 No, Mom... (sighs) 1918 01:23:03,525 --> 01:23:06,695 How long are you gonna punish yourself for Dad's mistakes? 1919 01:23:07,362 --> 01:23:09,656 Dad is the one that messed up. 1920 01:23:09,739 --> 01:23:11,658 Yet he's out there living his life. 1921 01:23:11,741 --> 01:23:13,993 Even though he should be ashamed. 1922 01:23:14,077 --> 01:23:17,580 And here you are, thinking you deserve to be alone. 1923 01:23:17,664 --> 01:23:20,834 Why? Because what will people think? 1924 01:23:23,503 --> 01:23:27,298 Well, you know what, Mom? It's time to think for yourself. 1925 01:23:30,969 --> 01:23:32,262 Are you really a virgin? 1926 01:23:32,345 --> 01:23:34,014 (sighs) 1927 01:23:36,057 --> 01:23:37,142 Yes. 1928 01:23:37,225 --> 01:23:38,560 Oh, my God, Maya. 1929 01:23:38,643 --> 01:23:40,437 How is this possible at your age? 1930 01:23:42,022 --> 01:23:44,357 Are you serious? 1931 01:23:45,316 --> 01:23:47,485 ("Going Out" by Trap Lana playing) 1932 01:23:47,569 --> 01:23:49,446 Dude, you look hot. 1933 01:23:50,196 --> 01:23:51,406 Last item on the bucket list. 1934 01:23:51,489 --> 01:23:53,199 Go to the school dance with your crush. 1935 01:23:53,283 --> 01:23:54,701 Maybe lose your virginity. 1936 01:23:54,784 --> 01:23:56,202 Jess, thank you for everything, okay? 1937 01:23:56,286 --> 01:23:58,246 And I know I was a dick. 1938 01:23:58,329 --> 01:24:02,542 You were like a big, sloppy, hairy, veiny dick. 1939 01:24:03,335 --> 01:24:04,252 Yes. 1940 01:24:04,336 --> 01:24:06,212 Actually, you were more like a used tampon 1941 01:24:06,296 --> 01:24:08,548 on, like, a heavy flow day. 1942 01:24:08,631 --> 01:24:11,593 But, like, ripped out and then dragged on the street after garbage day. 1943 01:24:11,676 --> 01:24:12,927 - Totally. - No, no. 1944 01:24:13,011 --> 01:24:14,637 I'm realizing this is what you were. 1945 01:24:14,721 --> 01:24:17,599 You were like a porta-potty at a curry festival 1946 01:24:17,682 --> 01:24:19,976 - frequented by white people. - MAYA: Ah, yeah. 1947 01:24:20,060 --> 01:24:21,478 - JESS: That's what you were. - MAYA: Right. 1948 01:24:21,561 --> 01:24:23,063 JESS: Lots of smells. 1949 01:24:23,813 --> 01:24:25,148 Actually, it's coming to me now. 1950 01:24:25,231 --> 01:24:29,069 You were like a samosa filled with diarrhea. 1951 01:24:29,152 --> 01:24:31,529 No, this is what you were. 1952 01:24:31,613 --> 01:24:33,448 - You were a dirty anal bead. - Oh, okay. 1953 01:24:33,531 --> 01:24:35,742 I don't know what that is, but I agree. 1954 01:24:35,825 --> 01:24:40,205 I'm sorry. I promise I will not let my shit impact your shit. 1955 01:24:40,288 --> 01:24:41,414 Thank you. 1956 01:24:41,498 --> 01:24:43,375 - Have so much fun. - Thank you. 1957 01:24:43,458 --> 01:24:45,627 - I love you. - Love you, too. 1958 01:24:45,710 --> 01:24:47,212 And hey. 1959 01:24:47,295 --> 01:24:49,089 This is serious. 1960 01:24:49,172 --> 01:24:51,633 If you see his dick, I want you to take a picture. 1961 01:24:51,716 --> 01:24:53,802 - Jess, go. - I want to see his ding-dong. 1962 01:24:53,885 --> 01:24:55,220 (doorbell rings) 1963 01:25:01,059 --> 01:25:02,477 (chuckles softly) 1964 01:25:03,687 --> 01:25:05,772 You look beautiful. 1965 01:25:05,855 --> 01:25:07,691 May-ah. 1966 01:25:07,774 --> 01:25:10,276 Thank you. As do you, Allux. 1967 01:25:12,862 --> 01:25:14,656 Who's your friend, Maya? 1968 01:25:14,739 --> 01:25:16,199 Oh, Mom. 1969 01:25:16,282 --> 01:25:19,160 - Uh, this is Alex. - Mm. 1970 01:25:20,161 --> 01:25:21,413 He's my date. 1971 01:25:21,496 --> 01:25:23,790 And he's here at the front door. 1972 01:25:23,873 --> 01:25:25,375 Not hiding down the street. 1973 01:25:25,458 --> 01:25:27,335 - Hmm. - N-Nice to meet you, Ms. Singh. 1974 01:25:27,419 --> 01:25:30,005 I promise I'll have her home on time tonight. (chuckles) 1975 01:25:30,088 --> 01:25:32,257 Nice to meet you, too, Alex. 1976 01:25:32,340 --> 01:25:34,426 But I won't be waiting up. 1977 01:25:34,509 --> 01:25:36,219 Farhad is taking me to the movies. 1978 01:25:36,302 --> 01:25:37,971 FARHAD: Good evening, Veena. 1979 01:25:38,054 --> 01:25:40,682 VEENA: He's also not hiding down the street. 1980 01:25:41,474 --> 01:25:43,518 FARHAD: Oh, Veena. 1981 01:25:43,601 --> 01:25:45,270 You look so beautiful. 1982 01:25:45,353 --> 01:25:47,313 - (chuckles) - Hello, Maya. 1983 01:25:47,981 --> 01:25:50,483 - Hi. - Hello. I'm Farhad. 1984 01:25:50,567 --> 01:25:52,694 - Alex. - Oh. 1985 01:25:52,777 --> 01:25:55,155 Thank you so much for letting me to borrow this. 1986 01:25:55,822 --> 01:25:59,576 It really does make things taste much better. 1987 01:25:59,659 --> 01:26:02,078 - Is that a... - Blender! Yeah. We should go. 1988 01:26:02,162 --> 01:26:04,164 ("Let's Dance" by Nathalie Mac playing) 1989 01:26:04,247 --> 01:26:06,833 - Bye-bye. - Have a great night. 1990 01:26:06,916 --> 01:26:09,169 - (chuckles) Cocktails? - Yes, of course. 1991 01:26:09,252 --> 01:26:12,505 ♪ Let's dance, let's dance, let's dance, let's dance ♪ 1992 01:26:12,589 --> 01:26:17,385 ♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪ 1993 01:26:17,469 --> 01:26:21,056 ♪ Let's dance, let's dance, let's dance, let's dance ♪ 1994 01:26:21,139 --> 01:26:22,849 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 1995 01:26:22,932 --> 01:26:25,101 ♪ Ooh... ♪ 1996 01:26:26,519 --> 01:26:27,687 (clears throat) Hi. 1997 01:26:28,355 --> 01:26:30,106 - I hope that's not a flask. - (music quiets) 1998 01:26:30,190 --> 01:26:33,026 Welcome to Proudamore's Spring Fling. 1999 01:26:33,109 --> 01:26:35,612 Uh, it's been a scary semester to say the least. 2000 01:26:35,695 --> 01:26:37,113 But, uh... (laughs) 2001 01:26:37,197 --> 01:26:38,948 we made it, yippee. Okay. 2002 01:26:39,032 --> 01:26:42,369 Uh, now we're gonna have a special musical performance. 2003 01:26:42,452 --> 01:26:45,080 So, uh, let's give a nice warm Proudamore welcome 2004 01:26:45,163 --> 01:26:48,583 to the Vybe Raiders. 2005 01:26:48,667 --> 01:26:50,919 (crowd cheering) 2006 01:26:56,383 --> 01:26:57,759 (whoops) 2007 01:26:57,842 --> 01:26:59,427 We are the Vybe Raiders, and this first song 2008 01:26:59,511 --> 01:27:03,515 goes out to Ms. Singh for being one crazy ho. 2009 01:27:03,598 --> 01:27:05,517 (crowd cheering) 2010 01:27:05,600 --> 01:27:07,602 (band playing upbeat music) 2011 01:27:11,189 --> 01:27:13,108 ♪ Ms. Singh is the baddest bitch ♪ 2012 01:27:13,775 --> 01:27:16,027 ♪ Ms. Singh is the baddest chick ♪ 2013 01:27:16,111 --> 01:27:18,405 ♪ My girl's shameless, and she's had enough ♪ 2014 01:27:18,488 --> 01:27:20,824 ♪ What will people think? She don't give a single fuck ♪ 2015 01:27:20,907 --> 01:27:23,201 ♪ Yeah, my girl's a virgin, but she'll still fuck it up ♪ 2016 01:27:23,284 --> 01:27:25,787 ♪ Ms. Smeighton found out when my girl shut her up ♪ 2017 01:27:25,870 --> 01:27:28,581 ♪ Well, she's never been laid, but my teacher still scores ♪ 2018 01:27:28,665 --> 01:27:30,792 ♪ Went commander-in-chief all on the school board ♪ 2019 01:27:30,875 --> 01:27:33,461 ♪ Her mama licked her vibrator, what? ♪ 2020 01:27:33,545 --> 01:27:35,422 - ♪ I said her mama licked her vibrator ♪ - Damn. 2021 01:27:35,505 --> 01:27:38,425 ♪ What? Had a slow start Now she knows how to hit it ♪ 2022 01:27:38,508 --> 01:27:40,301 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it, she doin' it... ♪ 2023 01:27:40,385 --> 01:27:42,345 - KYLE: Hey. - (chuckles) Hey. 2024 01:27:43,054 --> 01:27:44,764 So, uh... 2025 01:27:44,848 --> 01:27:47,600 I tried downloading your app, but I couldn't find it. 2026 01:27:48,685 --> 01:27:51,354 Kyle, I'm flattered. But building an app like that 2027 01:27:51,438 --> 01:27:53,773 requires a lot of funding. 2028 01:27:53,857 --> 01:27:55,567 Which I'm not sure I'll ever get. 2029 01:27:55,650 --> 01:27:56,860 That sucks. 2030 01:27:58,111 --> 01:28:00,822 I have a lot of questions about... heartbreak. 2031 01:28:04,451 --> 01:28:06,077 MADISON: Hey, Kyle? 2032 01:28:06,161 --> 01:28:07,370 Do you want to dance? 2033 01:28:07,454 --> 01:28:09,205 ♪ Use a condom... ♪ 2034 01:28:09,289 --> 01:28:11,708 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. - Okay! 2035 01:28:11,791 --> 01:28:13,710 ♪ Her mama licked her vibrator, what? ♪ 2036 01:28:13,793 --> 01:28:16,546 ♪ I said her mama licked her vibrator, what, what? ♪ 2037 01:28:16,629 --> 01:28:18,923 ♪ Had a slow start, but now she knows how to hit it ♪ 2038 01:28:19,007 --> 01:28:21,676 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it She doin' it, she did it ♪ 2039 01:28:21,760 --> 01:28:24,346 ♪ Her mama licked her vibrator What? ♪ 2040 01:28:24,429 --> 01:28:26,097 - Hey. Do you... - No! 2041 01:28:26,723 --> 01:28:27,849 - 'Kay. - ♪ Girl get it, girl got it 2042 01:28:27,932 --> 01:28:28,975 ♪ She doin' it ♪ 2043 01:28:29,059 --> 01:28:30,685 - ♪ She did it ♪ - (song ends) 2044 01:28:30,769 --> 01:28:32,771 (crowd cheering) 2045 01:28:35,565 --> 01:28:37,817 Yeah! (laughs) 2046 01:28:39,152 --> 01:28:40,737 ("Tru" by Shan playing) 2047 01:28:40,820 --> 01:28:43,782 ♪ She got a donk like, oh, my God ♪ 2048 01:28:43,865 --> 01:28:46,159 ♪ Premium gas... ♪ 2049 01:28:47,243 --> 01:28:49,746 Hey. Thanks for letting me come tonight. 2050 01:28:49,829 --> 01:28:51,289 I didn't. You just kind of showed up. 2051 01:28:51,373 --> 01:28:53,708 - Ah. - But thanks to you, 2052 01:28:53,792 --> 01:28:55,210 we are having a board meeting 2053 01:28:55,293 --> 01:28:57,629 to possibly discuss maybe hiring 2054 01:28:57,712 --> 01:29:00,006 an outside NGO to teach sex ed from now on. 2055 01:29:00,090 --> 01:29:02,509 Wow. That's... 2056 01:29:02,592 --> 01:29:04,469 maybe, possibly awesome, then. 2057 01:29:04,552 --> 01:29:06,179 Maya, you were right. 2058 01:29:06,262 --> 01:29:09,474 Kids do need better sex ed. But change takes time. 2059 01:29:09,557 --> 01:29:11,476 I mean, we're still teaching them about Columbus Day. 2060 01:29:11,559 --> 01:29:13,645 I thought teaching kids about dicks wasn't allowed. 2061 01:29:13,728 --> 01:29:14,938 (laughs) 2062 01:29:15,021 --> 01:29:16,648 Hey, good luck with everything. 2063 01:29:17,524 --> 01:29:19,275 Also, I think you should fuck Alex. 2064 01:29:19,359 --> 01:29:22,112 Guy looks good in gray sweatpants. 2065 01:29:22,195 --> 01:29:26,241 Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home for a little commander-in-chief. 2066 01:29:30,412 --> 01:29:32,122 'Kay. Right. 2067 01:29:32,205 --> 01:29:33,665 - (laughs) - What was that about? 2068 01:29:33,748 --> 01:29:35,750 It's better if I don't give you the visual. 2069 01:29:35,834 --> 01:29:37,293 - Got it. - (both laugh) 2070 01:29:39,337 --> 01:29:41,131 I'm really happy we're here together. 2071 01:29:42,215 --> 01:29:47,012 Listen, Alex, you have been so understanding and sweet, 2072 01:29:47,095 --> 01:29:48,972 and I really like you. 2073 01:29:49,055 --> 01:29:51,266 And I want to get to know you. 2074 01:29:51,349 --> 01:29:53,393 I just-- I want to be honest. 2075 01:29:53,476 --> 01:29:57,564 There's a whole part of me that I haven't explored. 2076 01:29:57,647 --> 01:30:01,359 And I owe it to myself to figure it out. 2077 01:30:01,443 --> 01:30:04,821 You don't have to explain. Let's just take it slow. 2078 01:30:04,904 --> 01:30:06,698 And if you have to take a step back 2079 01:30:06,781 --> 01:30:09,451 and do your thing, I'll understand. 2080 01:30:10,076 --> 01:30:12,495 - Really? - Really. 2081 01:30:12,579 --> 01:30:13,705 You want to dance? 2082 01:30:14,581 --> 01:30:15,707 Yeah. 2083 01:30:17,625 --> 01:30:21,129 ♪ Shorty been the baddest, and that's no cap ♪ 2084 01:30:21,212 --> 01:30:24,507 - ♪ True ♪ - ♪ True, true ♪ 2085 01:30:24,591 --> 01:30:27,927 ♪ Shorty's changed my life I need to wife that ♪ 2086 01:30:28,011 --> 01:30:31,306 - ♪ True ♪ - ♪ True, true ♪ 2087 01:30:31,389 --> 01:30:34,893 ♪ Shorty been the baddest, and that's no cap ♪ 2088 01:30:34,976 --> 01:30:36,853 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 2089 01:30:37,937 --> 01:30:39,856 (song fades) 2090 01:30:39,939 --> 01:30:41,691 (sighs) 2091 01:30:41,775 --> 01:30:44,069 No, Alex and I didn't have sex. 2092 01:30:44,152 --> 01:30:45,487 Still a virgin. 2093 01:30:45,570 --> 01:30:47,989 And you know what? I'm cool with it. 2094 01:30:48,073 --> 01:30:50,784 It'll happen when I'm ready for it to happen. 2095 01:30:50,867 --> 01:30:52,869 (phone vibrating) 2096 01:30:59,292 --> 01:31:01,753 - Hi, Barb. - Did peen work make the dream work? 2097 01:31:01,836 --> 01:31:04,130 No. Also, aren't you supposed to be at work? 2098 01:31:04,214 --> 01:31:05,924 Oh, I quit. I only did it to stay busy. 2099 01:31:06,007 --> 01:31:07,634 And you know I don't need the money. 2100 01:31:07,717 --> 01:31:09,135 - Right? - Yeah, I know. 2101 01:31:09,219 --> 01:31:10,470 But you do, honey. 2102 01:31:10,553 --> 01:31:12,180 So why don't we put my money 2103 01:31:12,263 --> 01:31:15,684 where my mouth is and have "The Talk." 2104 01:31:15,767 --> 01:31:16,851 (chuckles) 2105 01:31:16,935 --> 01:31:18,770 W-Wait, Barb, are you serious? 2106 01:31:18,853 --> 01:31:20,522 Are you saying you want to fund my app? 2107 01:31:20,605 --> 01:31:22,107 I am. 2108 01:31:23,108 --> 01:31:24,275 {\an8}Hey, guys, you got to check out 2109 01:31:24,359 --> 01:31:25,902 {\an8}this sick new app called "The Talk." 2110 01:31:25,985 --> 01:31:28,154 {\an8}I know the creator, and she's crazy. 2111 01:31:28,238 --> 01:31:31,116 {\an8}♪ ♪ 2112 01:31:31,199 --> 01:31:33,660 {\an8}MAYA: Got time for a little ginger spice? 2113 01:31:40,000 --> 01:31:42,419 {\an8}You know I can't resist the gray sweatpants. 2114 01:31:42,502 --> 01:31:44,170 {\an8}(chuckles) 2115 01:31:46,965 --> 01:31:49,968 It's an app that's taking social media by storm. 2116 01:31:50,051 --> 01:31:51,886 (in Hindi) Good job, Maya! 2117 01:31:52,595 --> 01:31:54,597 My favorite game is Word Foreplay. 2118 01:31:54,681 --> 01:31:57,017 It actually teaches you about anatomy. 2119 01:31:57,100 --> 01:32:01,062 (chuckles) I had no idea my wife had a... "vulva." 2120 01:32:01,146 --> 01:32:04,858 Trying to make sex education an open conversation. 2121 01:32:04,941 --> 01:32:06,901 Way to show 'em your boobs, Maya. 2122 01:32:08,153 --> 01:32:09,237 (gasps) 2123 01:32:11,239 --> 01:32:12,657 (laughs) 2124 01:32:13,408 --> 01:32:15,744 I'm gonna have to cancel spin class tomorrow. 2125 01:32:16,786 --> 01:32:18,163 Really? 2126 01:32:19,581 --> 01:32:21,041 She said yes! 2127 01:32:21,124 --> 01:32:23,126 (laughing) 2128 01:32:24,794 --> 01:32:25,795 (Farhad chuckles) 2129 01:32:25,879 --> 01:32:27,213 - My dear. - Aw. 2130 01:32:27,297 --> 01:32:29,299 (grunts, chuckles) 2131 01:32:33,970 --> 01:32:35,889 (students chattering indistinctly) 2132 01:32:35,972 --> 01:32:37,974 ♪ ♪ 2133 01:32:51,488 --> 01:32:53,907 BOTH: Ooh...! 2134 01:32:53,990 --> 01:32:56,284 {\an8}("She's Doin' It" by Lilly Singh playing) 2135 01:32:56,368 --> 01:32:57,911 {\an8}LILLY SINGH: Whoa, whoa. Sit back down. 2136 01:32:57,994 --> 01:33:01,331 {\an8}You didn't think I'd leave you without a little credits song, did you? 2137 01:33:01,414 --> 01:33:04,417 {\an8}♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪ 2138 01:33:04,501 --> 01:33:06,294 ♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪ 2139 01:33:06,378 --> 01:33:08,797 ♪ This girl is the baddest bitch ♪ 2140 01:33:08,880 --> 01:33:10,840 ♪ This girl is the baddest chick ♪ 2141 01:33:10,924 --> 01:33:13,468 ♪ She's so shameless, and she's had enough ♪ 2142 01:33:13,551 --> 01:33:16,304 ♪ What will people think? She don't give a single fuck ♪ 2143 01:33:16,388 --> 01:33:18,640 ♪ They say she's loose, they say she's prude ♪ 2144 01:33:18,723 --> 01:33:20,975 ♪ They say she's getting old and really needs a dude ♪ 2145 01:33:21,059 --> 01:33:23,520 ♪ Well, I got news, this chick DIYs ♪ 2146 01:33:23,603 --> 01:33:26,231 ♪ And can't hear that noise Over the buzz between her thighs ♪ 2147 01:33:26,314 --> 01:33:28,650 ♪ She's a badass, and she got it from her mama ♪ 2148 01:33:28,733 --> 01:33:31,027 ♪ On Wednesdays, we heal generational trauma ♪ 2149 01:33:31,111 --> 01:33:33,238 ♪ She's horny and not ashamed of it ♪ 2150 01:33:33,321 --> 01:33:36,074 ♪ The patriarchy can suck her dick ♪ 2151 01:33:36,157 --> 01:33:38,702 ♪ Or lick her clit if it can even find it, ha ♪ 2152 01:33:38,785 --> 01:33:41,079 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2153 01:33:41,162 --> 01:33:43,623 ♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪ 2154 01:33:43,707 --> 01:33:46,167 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2155 01:33:46,251 --> 01:33:48,753 ♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪ 2156 01:33:48,837 --> 01:33:51,172 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2157 01:33:51,256 --> 01:33:53,758 ♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪ 2158 01:33:53,842 --> 01:33:56,261 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2159 01:33:56,344 --> 01:33:58,972 ♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪ 2160 01:33:59,055 --> 01:34:00,807 ♪ Get it, get it ♪ 2161 01:34:00,890 --> 01:34:02,642 ♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it ♪ 2162 01:34:02,726 --> 01:34:04,185 ♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪ 2163 01:34:04,269 --> 01:34:05,812 ♪ Get it, get it ♪ 2164 01:34:05,895 --> 01:34:07,605 ♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it ♪ 2165 01:34:07,689 --> 01:34:08,940 ♪ Get it, get it, get it ♪ 2166 01:34:09,024 --> 01:34:11,609 ♪ She ain't a redhead, but she got that ginger spice ♪ 2167 01:34:11,693 --> 01:34:14,112 ♪ Papaya just right, all these dudes want a slice ♪ 2168 01:34:14,195 --> 01:34:16,740 So nice, they don't stand a chance ♪ 2169 01:34:16,823 --> 01:34:19,242 ♪ Boners popping right out their gray sweatpants ♪ 2170 01:34:19,325 --> 01:34:20,910 (clears throat) Let me break the fourth wall 2171 01:34:20,994 --> 01:34:22,996 like I'm trying to break my hymen real quick. 2172 01:34:23,079 --> 01:34:25,415 ♪ Look at these names, stay in your seat ♪ 2173 01:34:25,498 --> 01:34:27,792 ♪ The people in these credits are a bunch of freaks ♪ 2174 01:34:27,876 --> 01:34:30,545 ♪ The producers are nasty, someone gotta stop 'em ♪ 2175 01:34:30,628 --> 01:34:33,048 ♪ For weeks, they discussed different dildo options ♪ 2176 01:34:33,131 --> 01:34:35,383 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2177 01:34:35,467 --> 01:34:38,053 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2178 01:34:38,136 --> 01:34:40,555 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2179 01:34:40,638 --> 01:34:43,266 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2180 01:34:43,350 --> 01:34:45,769 ♪ Jizz in the eye? We said, "Why not twice?" ♪ 2181 01:34:45,852 --> 01:34:48,313 ♪ 14-inch dong? "That'll be nice" ♪ 2182 01:34:48,396 --> 01:34:50,774 ♪ Masturbation milkshake? "That's great" ♪ 2183 01:34:50,857 --> 01:34:53,109 ♪ If we did it seven times, let's do another take ♪ 2184 01:34:53,193 --> 01:34:55,570 ♪ Two fingers down south to get some good rest ♪ 2185 01:34:55,653 --> 01:34:58,156 ♪ Take this film down to Austin to South by Southwest ♪ 2186 01:34:58,239 --> 01:35:00,492 ♪ Got into that shit like a motorboat between breasts ♪ 2187 01:35:00,575 --> 01:35:03,203 ♪ So spread your lips, it's time to talk about sex ♪ 2188 01:35:03,286 --> 01:35:05,914 I'm 35, and I asked my mom permission to be in this movie. 2189 01:35:05,997 --> 01:35:08,333 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2190 01:35:08,416 --> 01:35:10,919 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2191 01:35:11,002 --> 01:35:13,463 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2192 01:35:13,546 --> 01:35:15,965 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2193 01:35:16,049 --> 01:35:18,426 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2194 01:35:18,510 --> 01:35:21,054 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2195 01:35:21,137 --> 01:35:23,473 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2196 01:35:23,556 --> 01:35:25,225 ♪ She doin' it, she did it ♪ 2197 01:35:25,308 --> 01:35:27,644 Special thanks to all these freaks. 2198 01:35:31,314 --> 01:35:32,899 Look at all these freaky songs. 2199 01:35:32,982 --> 01:35:35,485 "Peacock Dance"? (chuckles) "Cock." Get it? 2200 01:35:38,530 --> 01:35:41,783 Not to mention, our composers? (scoffs) Freaks. 2201 01:35:41,866 --> 01:35:43,243 Entire post-production crew? 2202 01:35:43,326 --> 01:35:45,495 More like post seduction crew. 2203 01:35:46,413 --> 01:35:48,748 ♪ Get it, girl got it ♪ 2204 01:35:48,832 --> 01:35:51,376 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2205 01:35:51,459 --> 01:35:53,837 ♪ Girl get it, girl got it ♪ 2206 01:35:53,920 --> 01:35:57,048 ♪ She doin' it, she did it She did it ♪ 2207 01:35:57,132 --> 01:35:58,591 Not based on a true story, 2208 01:35:58,675 --> 01:36:00,593 but based on a true story, you know? 2209 01:36:00,677 --> 01:36:02,429 I hope you enjoyed it. 2210 01:36:03,763 --> 01:36:05,890 Look at all these freaky unions right here. 2211 01:36:06,850 --> 01:36:08,852 You know, protection's important. 2212 01:36:13,189 --> 01:36:14,566 Likely Story? 2213 01:36:14,649 --> 01:36:17,152 And the story is they're likely freaks. 2214 01:36:17,235 --> 01:36:19,195 Unicorn Island? Sounds horny. 2215 01:36:19,863 --> 01:36:22,699 Camelback? Camel toe freaks. 2216 01:36:22,782 --> 01:36:24,826 Canada? Full of freaks. 2217 01:36:24,909 --> 01:36:26,828 CMPA freaks. 2218 01:36:37,297 --> 01:36:39,924 P.S. This copyright right here? (scoffs) Freak. 2219 01:36:44,804 --> 01:36:47,349 - Uh, now if you'll excuse me. - (song ends) 2220 01:36:47,432 --> 01:36:48,975 (vibrator buzzing)