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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‪各位先生女士

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‪讓我們歡迎伯特克萊歇爾上台

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‪《伯特·克萊歇爾:今夜來狂歡》

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‪讚啦!

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‪謝謝

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‪謝謝,讚啦

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‪先生,你很帥

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‪謝謝

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‪先生,你很帥,謝謝

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‪我從來沒這麼瘦過

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‪對,我知道

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‪我胖到只要慢跑就會讓屁股毛打結

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‪對,我根本沒發現,真的很好玩

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‪你在浴室用肥皂幫自己“刷卡”一下

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‪結果“刷卡失敗”
‪小姐,屁股毛打結變成繩子

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‪兩片屁股貼在一起

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‪通常都能分開,大部分多毛男人和...

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‪有的義大利女人都知道

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‪用手指從上面弄就解開了

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‪就像綁辮子睡覺一樣

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‪有一次我去度假,結果解不開

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‪我沖澡時用力扯

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‪而且也慌了,因為想大便

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‪不想點辦法就變成黏土工廠了

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‪所以我走出浴室

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‪拿小刀去找我老婆

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‪我說:“我要知道妳挺不挺我”

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‪她說:“我挺你”

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‪我老婆是個粗人,忘了告訴你們

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‪我們在她家鄉登記結婚時

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‪問卷第三題:“你們是血親嗎?”

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‪我說:“第三題怎麼答?”

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‪老婆說:“你是我親戚嗎?”

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‪我說:“我覺得不是”

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‪“那就寫不是啊”
‪不要,不然會代表我們是

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‪所以...

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‪我叫老婆拿著小刀
‪然後我說:“問題大了”

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‪我轉過去,讓她看到影響區域

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‪然後她說:“你打結幹嘛?”

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‪好問題,黎安,其實啊...

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‪因為我們來度假

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‪結果游泳池邊的小姐建議我綁辮子

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‪“我又不是故意的,幹

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‪瘋狂理髮師快割啦
‪我便便快跑出來了”

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‪她說:“我不要”

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‪我說:“我不想傷妳心,但一定要

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‪其實這座島上只有妳這個人

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‪要割斷我的屁股毛”

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‪我不能到櫃臺說
‪“找個手巧的男生上來”

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‪“誰幫你們修籬笆?我喜歡他的作品”

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‪她說:“我偏不要”,然後她放下刀

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‪打開吹風機,好像我們講完了

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‪妳想跟我玩啊?他媽的來玩啊

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‪我去拿刀,提醒各位,我還光著身子

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‪我坐在床上,面對著她

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‪躺下去,雙腳朝天亂踢
‪就跟嬰兒換尿布一樣

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‪然後喊:“哇!

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‪“嬰兒屁眼打結了”

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‪連我兩個女兒走進來都沒聽到

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‪我只聽到:“天啊,爸爸的陰道!”

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‪把我嚇到挫屎

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‪我拿著刀光溜溜跳起來
‪好像要跟偷錢的兩個妓女拚了

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‪黎安不知道怎麼回事

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‪她發現不對,關掉吹風機後說

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‪“好啦,刀給我,我割你屁眼”

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‪我女兒嚇壞了
‪“你們兩個他媽的幹嘛?”

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‪她們衝了出去,我慘了

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‪她說:“你要小心了

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‪你不該秀老二給女兒看”

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‪我說:“抗議,安柏赫德,並非如此”

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‪對,收回那句話,妹妹

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‪對

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‪首先,她們不只看到我的屌,好嗎?

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‪不然就太簡單了

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‪她們全都看到了
‪三位一體,三陽開泰

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‪屁眼、老二、蛋蛋,整個中東地區!

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‪第二,我沒秀老二給她們看
‪我可沒說:“我的乖女兒

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‪妳們功課快做完了

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‪15分鐘後到車庫,爸爸秀給妳們看”

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‪我最困擾的是她們沒看到優質老二

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‪等一下,聽我講完
‪我沒說我希望老二硬梆梆

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‪可是...

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‪至少要夠硬

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‪總不能讓女兒上大學時
‪以為爸爸有全世界最小的老二

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‪她們第一次認識男人
‪就會說:“這才叫老二嘛”

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‪“靠”

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‪“我爸的是陰莖,這才叫老二”

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‪“你可以在轟趴上露鳥
‪我爸的只能露給護士看”

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‪她們看到老二攤在肚子上

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‪躺在那邊,毫無招架能力

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‪就像跳出水面的鯨魚...

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‪不知道哪裡是頭,但知道哪裡是尾

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‪就像在井裡偷窺的小男生
‪“這是怎麼回事啊?”

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‪搞屁啊,我看過我爸裸體

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‪很多次

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‪很多...

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‪有一次我洗澡太久,他就闖進浴室

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‪我當時國三

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‪對,我一慌,就學《沉默的羔羊》

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‪裡面那個變態水牛比爾...

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‪我看過我媽裸體,很少,但是夠了

104
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‪我第一次看女生脫光衣服時
‪說:“妳的剖腹疤痕呢?”

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‪我老婆對她們很誠實

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‪無論何時都100%誠實
‪有一天我們在吃晚餐

107
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‪我三杯黃湯下肚
‪兩個女兒說:“你們吸過毒嗎?”

108
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‪我說:“幹,妳們警察喔?”

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‪她只說:“有”

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‪媽的妳幹嘛?她說:“對女兒要誠實”

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‪“我抽過一兩次大麻

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‪我並不太喜歡

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‪害我嘔吐,後來就沒抽了”

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‪“但是爸爸嗑過古柯鹼”
‪我說:“搞屁啊?”

115
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‪黎安,她們有要我們推薦產品嗎?

116
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‪她說:“快啦,告訴她們...

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‪跟她們說實話”

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‪我說:“好,我只試過一次古柯鹼”

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‪“我並不太喜歡

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‪害我嘔吐,後來就沒吸了”

121
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‪我聽到她笑翻了

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‪她說:“騙人,爸爸常吸古柯鹼”

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‪“妳們的媽媽13歲破處
‪來啊,跟她們講那件事”

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‪對,她是公車!

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‪結果她還配合我
‪“首先,我那時快14歲了

126
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‪而且我在老家
‪只會幹砲、打架和飆車”

127
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‪我說:“我是娶了北港香爐喔?”

128
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‪“抱歉,我不像爸爸這麼古板
‪爸爸只跟六個人做過

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‪而且他17歲時才破處”

130
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‪我說:“首先,我跟六個女人做過”

131
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‪而且17是正常數字
‪但是她們已經聽到13了

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‪現在她們看著我的表情是...

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‪“爸,你是在家自學嗎?”

134
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‪我說:“13歲破處太畸形了

135
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‪17歲才正常,抱歉喔
‪我沒像媽媽一樣被人猥褻”

136
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‪我高中時可沒去空地躺在卡車上

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‪說:“下一位”

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‪我竟然愛這個女人,可惡

139
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‪我朋友把公司賣掉,賺很多錢

140
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‪休了舊老婆,升級了

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‪對方只有27歲

142
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‪對,沒錯,他帶新老婆到我家

143
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‪炫耀給大家看,說:“她文盲”

144
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‪那天晚上我跟舊的老婆在床上

145
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‪她蓋棉被還穿襪子

146
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‪穿毛衣、戴眼鏡、看雜誌

147
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‪翻頁時還舔一下乾枯的手指

148
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‪我那時醉了

149
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‪我靠過去...
‪我跟老婆平常就這樣,好嗎?

150
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,779
‪我靠過去看著她,然後說...

151
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,532
‪“不知道我能升級什麼”

152
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,536
‪她看了看我,然後說

153
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,622
‪“幹你娘的試試看啊”

154
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:27,752
‪她說:“你連試駕車都不會用”

155
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:31,255
‪有新車味道,用按鈕啟動的車

156
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:36,010
‪我說:“對啊,我騎破車太久了”

157
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,978
‪你有沒有差點讓老婆高潮
‪結果眼看著她降溫過?

158
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,147
‪她已經快去了...

159
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:54,820
‪結果貓跳到床上:“你幹這個女人?”

160
00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:59,742
‪你說:“可惡,嘎嘎,媽的給我滾”

161
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,871
‪然後讓我來,一、二、三

162
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‪就是這樣操,媽的,幹!

163
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‪我快如閃電,超快了
‪有一次我射出來時她笑了

164
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‪她說:“剛才那砲不會讓我得愛滋”

165
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:21,889
‪對,她是惡霸

166
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‪媽的惡霸,都不幫我吹喇叭

167
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‪不肯

168
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,979
‪她都玩我

169
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‪抓住我的屌

170
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‪瞪著我,然後...

171
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,581
‪這個有開嗎?

172
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:53,087
‪你知道我一個諧星
‪為了享受吹喇叭還得陪笑

173
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,588
‪這是一件多麼

174
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‪沒有尊嚴的事啊?

175
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‪我跟我的好朋友湯姆講
‪他說:“我一定會崩潰”

176
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‪他說:“你知道我會怎麼幫你吹嗎?”

177
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‪我說:“願聞其詳”

178
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‪他說:“我會尊重你是個諧星

179
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:14,525
‪所以每次都給你新素材”

180
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‪我說:“例如呢?”

181
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‪他毫不遲疑
‪“我會抓住你的老二,看著你

182
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:27,037
‪然後說:‘在本週
‪《挑戰美食堂》特別節目裡

183
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,917
‪一個男人要含老二到口爆為止’”

184
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,713
‪我們笑到哭

185
00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:40,718
‪一個月後,我跟老婆在床上

186
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:43,554
‪她幫我吹喇叭

187
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:46,724
‪我完全忘了跟湯姆講過什麼...

188
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:50,352
‪結果她...

189
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‪拍一下我的屌,結果我開始狂笑

190
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,071
‪她說:“你終於懂了”
‪我說:“什麼?”

191
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,741
‪她說:“懂麥克風的笑話”

192
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:05,785
‪我說:“妳以為我不懂?”

193
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:10,498
‪她說:“你沒笑啊”
‪我說:“因為他媽的很難笑”

194
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,043
‪她說:“難笑為什麼現在笑?”

195
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,086
‪我說:“因為我想到湯姆”

196
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,352
‪“他技術比妳好”

197
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:35,189
‪她把我女兒養成惡霸

198
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:39,151
‪對,我們前幾天晚上看甘地的紀錄片

199
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:43,197
‪我說:“我實在不懂絕食抗議的目的”

200
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,784
‪我女兒喬吉雅打量我
‪然後說:“廢話”

201
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:55,417
‪她們不叫我“爸”
‪只叫我綽號,像“肥龍”

202
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,088
‪或者“胎兒”,她們叫我胎兒

203
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:04,677
‪她們背著我叫一個綽號整整兩年

204
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,847
‪我們有一天吃晚餐,黎安傳訊息

205
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,224
‪兩個女兒偷笑:“媽,真好笑”

206
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,353
‪我說:“什麼事?”
‪她們說:“你不懂啦”

207
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,897
‪我說:“我他媽是全桌最幽默的人

208
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,527
‪我搞笑才有這一餐
‪還讓妳們做牙齒,講給我聽”

209
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:29,243
‪艾拉說:“你不會覺得好笑啦”

210
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,372
‪所以我去廁所然後馬上回來

211
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,332
‪從艾拉背後偷看,她反應慢

212
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:41,672
‪結果看到好幾張我的照片

213
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,509
‪討論串的標題是“海象寶寶”

214
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,474
‪我很不爽,於是坐下
‪我說:“海象寶寶是什麼鬼?”

215
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:57,104
‪她們呆了一下說
‪“重點不是‘海象寶寶是什麼?’”

216
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,815
‪而是‘海象寶寶是誰?’”

217
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:04,361
‪我說:“海象寶寶他媽的是誰?”

218
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,489
‪艾拉說:“你應該知道海象寶寶是誰”

219
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,700
‪喬吉雅說:“爸,別激動

220
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,870
‪媽只是覺得你穿著正式時

221
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,625
‪就像要逃出動物園的海象寶寶”

222
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,796
‪我瞪著黎安,她說:“別激動

223
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:24,965
‪你的舉止很像海象寶寶”

224
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:28,552
‪我說:“才怪”,然後服務生過來問

225
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,804
‪“兩杯伏特加和汽水
‪大杯不加萊姆嗎?”

226
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,890
‪我根本沒想到自己會這樣...

227
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,979
‪艾拉拿出手機,邊拍邊說
‪“海象寶寶愛喝伏特加”

228
00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,233
‪我要毀了這些女人

229
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,404
‪我女兒他媽的笨死了
‪我們有一次去露營

230
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,575
‪全家人到很偏僻的地方露營

231
00:15:51,575 --> 00:15:53,786
‪晚上10點,女兒在烤雪綿糖

232
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,872
‪黎安在帳棚清理,我喝自己釀的酒

233
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:01,126
‪晚上10點,我們聽到一聲槍響

234
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,044
‪就...

235
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:04,755
‪我們呆住,黎安是個粗人

236
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,174
‪她說:“有人月經來了”之類的

237
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:31,699
‪她其實沒那麼粗俗
‪但是她討厭這個腔調

238
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:35,244
‪所以她在這個節目會越來越爆笑

239
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,127
‪那時晚上10點,我們聽到槍聲後呆住

240
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:46,005
‪整整十秒沒人講話

241
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,632
‪然後又聽到第二聲槍響

242
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:53,679
‪我女兒艾拉從火堆裡拿出雪綿糖

243
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:57,057
‪看著大家,胸有成竹地說:“這下子...

244
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,269
‪我們知道不是自殺了”

245
00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:14,950
‪我說:“謝謝大律師”

246
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:19,830
‪她說:“爸,兩槍耶”
‪我說:“我懂妳的算法,天才”

247
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,375
‪這孩子會害你變笨

248
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:28,130
‪有一次我們開車
‪喬吉雅坐前面,我開車

249
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,506
‪艾拉在後座

250
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,426
‪我們經過一個“聾啞兒童”的標誌

251
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,430
‪結果馬上聽到後面的智囊團碎念

252
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:41,393
‪艾拉自言自語說:“好種族歧視喔”

253
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:46,815
‪我說:“不對,種族歧視不是這意思”

254
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,735
‪喬吉雅說:“艾拉,那個標誌

255
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:53,155
‪是讓我們知道來這裡時
‪收音機要小聲一點”

256
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,907
‪我說:“什麼鬼啊?”

257
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,661
‪繼續講,我要聽妳講完

258
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:05,042
‪她說:“因為我們聽得見
‪所以會害他們難過吧?”

259
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,796
‪我說:“不對,靠,妳比她還笨”

260
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,422
‪不對

261
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,424
‪喬吉雅,不是因為這樣

262
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:16,678
‪這樣才知道有小孩
‪可能聽不到來車,喬吉雅

263
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:20,432
‪然後艾拉靠到前座說
‪“所以聾啞兒童就像槍?

264
00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:23,936
‪必須跟州政府登記?”

265
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:31,527
‪我說:“妳在講什麼?”

266
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:36,490
‪她說:“爸,他們怎麼知道
‪這種標誌要放哪裡?”

267
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,453
‪然後我坐在這輛搞笑車的前座

268
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,623
‪心裡拚命想著

269
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,918
‪“他們怎麼知道這種標誌要放哪裡?”

270
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,674
‪我不能和這孩子在一起,不然會完蛋

271
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,886
‪我們笨到幹你娘,還控制不了衝動

272
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,014
‪我們去聽喬吉雅的合唱團音樂會

273
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,684
‪整整四小時,先說明清楚

274
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,729
‪四小時的合唱團
‪黎安根本沒坐在禮堂裡

275
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:11,150
‪她坐後面跟朋友賣點心,聊幾個小時

276
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,736
‪艾拉和我必須坐前排四個小時

277
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,614
‪她可開心了,艾拉和我心裡幹死了

278
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:21,577
‪音樂會進行兩小時後,老師出來

279
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:25,581
‪告訴大家他們要拍賣
‪學校造雪機的使用權

280
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:29,459
‪起標價是50美元
‪艾拉在旁邊抖得跟嗑藥一樣

281
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,255
‪我說:“妳怎麼了?”
‪然後她說:“胎兒...

282
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:37,759
‪我們需要那台造雪機”

283
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,847
‪我說:“媽的我們一定標到造雪機”

284
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,351
‪她說:“我該去問媽嗎?”
‪我說:“幹,她不在

285
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,522
‪我是爸爸耶,艾拉,我也能決定”

286
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:56,069
‪她說:“我們有50美元嗎”
‪我說:“寶貝,妳媽不在這裡

287
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,822
‪所以我們的錢妖壽多”

288
00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,077
‪“好好學,讓大家知道誰有大老二”

289
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:07,789
‪我在前排起立,老師好興奮

290
00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,501
‪“你要用50美元起標嗎?”
‪我說:“美女,別那麼小家子氣

291
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,337
‪我出500”

292
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,340
‪全場暴動

293
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,218
‪我坐下後,艾拉拚命抖動

294
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,387
‪我說:“怎麼了?”

295
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:25,265
‪她說:“爸讓他們知道誰有大老二了”

296
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:38,695
‪笑聲平息後,我聽到
‪後面有個爸爸還在笑

297
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,782
‪我說:“靠,慘了”

298
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:44,660
‪艾拉說:“怎樣?”

299
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,828
‪“有個酒鬼老爸也想下場

300
00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:50,749
‪今晚有得瞧了,寶貝”

301
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,920
‪後面那個傢伙馬上站起來喊:“550”

302
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,006
‪全場都說:“哦”

303
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,843
‪我女兒除外,她打我的腿說

304
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:03,387
‪“是男人就站起來”

305
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:07,891
‪“跟他說600,爸”

306
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,228
‪我說:“我們不能這樣玩

307
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,856
‪現在我們要鬧死他”

308
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:23,865
‪她說:“什麼意思?”
‪我說:“妳站起來說600

309
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,159
‪然後轉過去朝他眨眼”

310
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,413
‪現在她變成海象寶寶了

311
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:35,168
‪她說:“我可以嗎?”
‪我說:“辦不到今晚就睡外面”

312
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:42,217
‪結果上千個家長看到
‪前排一個小五生站起來

313
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:44,136
‪我不知道她很緊張

314
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,722
‪也不曉得她不會眨眼,好嗎?

315
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,478
‪媽的誰不會眨眼啊?

316
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:58,400
‪她邊發抖邊轉身,發現那個男的,說

317
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,527
‪“600美元”

318
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,946
‪然後好像有病發作一樣

319
00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:05,824
‪想要擠出眨眼的動作...

320
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:20,088
‪她坐下後說:“爸,我怎麼樣?”

321
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,759
‪我說:“妳讓他們知道誰有大老二了”

322
00:22:24,968 --> 00:22:27,888
‪後面那老小子他媽的瘋了

323
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:32,017
‪他站起來說:“小妹妹,700美元”

324
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,519
‪我說:“喂,你要針對我女兒啊?”

325
00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:39,274
‪我站起來瞪著他說:“800美元”

326
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:42,194
‪艾拉站起來說:“900美元”

327
00:22:50,327 --> 00:22:52,746
‪我說:“妳他媽白痴跟我搶標喔?”

328
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,250
‪她笑得好開心:“爸,我們鬧死他”

329
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,547
‪我們用1800美元標到那台造雪機

330
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:05,425
‪對

331
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,261
‪對

332
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,267
‪我慘了

333
00:23:16,019 --> 00:23:19,523
‪真的,我的行為有問題

334
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:25,904
‪不知道是我的問題
‪還是因為我住洛杉磯

335
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:30,575
‪我如果住這裡,大概會是正常的爸爸

336
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,376
‪也許還是進步派的

337
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:46,091
‪但是在洛杉磯,我就成問題了

338
00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:49,010
‪好,跟你們講一個故事

339
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:51,138
‪但是別做政治解讀,好嗎?

340
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,890
‪聽故事,笑一笑就好

341
00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:56,893
‪好

342
00:23:59,062 --> 00:24:01,481
‪艾拉五年級要結束時有舞會

343
00:24:01,481 --> 00:24:04,651
‪五年級的學生都有學跳舞,對吧?

344
00:24:04,651 --> 00:24:07,988
‪家長在觀眾席看小朋友上台跳舞

345
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:11,408
‪外面有牛奶、餅乾
‪早上8點半結束,收工

346
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,162
‪我們8點才到,小孩不在台上

347
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,622
‪小孩在觀眾席,老師到旁邊

348
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:19,958
‪她在哭,家長很火大

349
00:24:20,917 --> 00:24:21,751
‪亂成一團

350
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:25,589
‪老師把家長叫到外面,跟家長說明

351
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:26,631
‪“我...

352
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:28,842
‪我只能道歉

353
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,012
‪我的行為太可怕了

354
00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:36,308
‪如果你們讓我保住工作
‪我下次一定會改進”

355
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:38,894
‪我在後面說:“有人跟學生相幹了”

356
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:44,733
‪我開始放鬆
‪看是要恭喜哪個五年級生

357
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,407
‪結果她說...

358
00:24:53,783 --> 00:24:56,703
‪“我半個月前籌備這場舞會時

359
00:24:56,703 --> 00:24:58,830
‪擅自假設各位孩子的性別

360
00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:00,707
‪結果配成男女生一組

361
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:03,919
‪我知道自己犯下什麼滔天大罪

362
00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,545
‪如果各位給我機會

363
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:08,048
‪我會證明我不是你們想像的爛人”

364
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:11,134
‪等一下,我趕快講一下

365
00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:12,385
‪以示澄清

366
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:16,473
‪我希望世界上的每個小孩

367
00:25:17,474 --> 00:25:20,602
‪都能隨時感受到100%的快樂

368
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,313
‪我會盡力達到那個目標,我是這樣想

369
00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:32,781
‪可是他們才小五耶

370
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:36,409
‪現在早上8點
‪我們還沒酒醒,趕快收工吧

371
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:40,413
‪我以為沒事了,對吧?

372
00:25:40,413 --> 00:25:41,331
‪原諒妳了

373
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:42,832
‪第一個家長站起來

374
00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:45,293
‪她說:“我叫珍妮佛
‪身心靈都是女性”

375
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,586
‪我說:“靠”

376
00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:49,881
‪這下不好玩了

377
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,592
‪她說...

378
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:57,430
‪“我們家的人支持同性權益

379
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,975
‪家人都參與社區活動

380
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:02,227
‪我要妳知道,我雖然聽到妳道歉

381
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:03,353
‪但是太膚淺了

382
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:05,981
‪坐而言不如起而行

383
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:08,858
‪如果想保住飯碗,妳還得加油”

384
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:10,944
‪然後就坐下了

385
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:12,988
‪不知道你們懂不懂運作方式

386
00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:16,324
‪但下一個家長必須比第一個還自由派

387
00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:20,328
‪你不能說:“呃”
‪不然會像陰謀論極右派大將

388
00:26:20,328 --> 00:26:21,538
‪“青蛙是同志”

389
00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:27,294
‪結果大家輪流講,批鬥那個女人

390
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:30,005
‪那個可憐的女老師慘斃了

391
00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:31,631
‪我和黎安火大

392
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:34,342
‪我說:“我要上了”
‪黎安說:“拜託不要”

393
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,141
‪我說:“嗨,我叫伯特,艾拉的爸爸”

394
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:49,024
‪我說:“首先,他們只有小五

395
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,359
‪他們今晚不會在車上摳屄”

396
00:26:53,028 --> 00:26:55,614
‪現在是早上8點半
‪大家都聽到了吧?

397
00:26:58,283 --> 00:26:59,993
‪我說:“我是艾拉的爸爸

398
00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:04,039
‪想也知道我根本不在乎

399
00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,876
‪我的孩子跟男生還是女生跳舞

400
00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:12,005
‪我會盡全力愛護她、支持她”

401
00:27:12,505 --> 00:27:13,340
‪對

402
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:21,848
‪“只要是白人就好”,所以...

403
00:27:25,685 --> 00:27:27,937
‪他媽的誰聽不懂這個笑話?

404
00:27:28,938 --> 00:27:30,899
‪這麼明顯

405
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:33,318
‪他們沒想到早上8點會聽到這種話

406
00:27:35,362 --> 00:27:38,239
‪那對“性別平權”家長他媽的大暴走

407
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:44,829
‪黎安跳上來說:“他是諧星”

408
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:48,917
‪他們說:“聽她口音,他們種族歧視”

409
00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:51,336
‪我告訴你們最慘的

410
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:56,049
‪最慘的是黎安和我有一次
‪參加葡萄酒品嚐摸彩活動

411
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:57,550
‪星期二晚上...

412
00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,969
‪我們在路上,黎安開車

413
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:01,971
‪她說:“他媽的今晚別喝醉”

414
00:28:02,472 --> 00:28:03,932
‪我說:“來不及了”

415
00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:07,811
‪我洗澡時就在喝酒

416
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:11,898
‪星期二晚上當然要醉,開什麼玩笑?

417
00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:15,443
‪我口袋裡有攜帶型煙斗,不醉不歸

418
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,697
‪我到了那邊,我沒品酒過

419
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:21,116
‪他們不會給你大酒杯

420
00:28:21,908 --> 00:28:23,410
‪只會給你小杯子

421
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:25,662
‪就像麥可傑克森要舔我們屁眼

422
00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:32,585
‪我猜他是這麼幹的,不確定

423
00:28:35,004 --> 00:28:37,549
‪所以我就不品酒,去找狂歡的爸爸

424
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:40,635
‪舞台邊有十個爸爸,全都買了酒

425
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:44,139
‪他們開瓶後
‪跟《權力遊戲》影集一樣猛灌

426
00:28:45,014 --> 00:28:48,184
‪有個爸爸穿摔角明星上衣
‪我說:“我他媽要去那桌”

427
00:28:49,436 --> 00:28:51,730
‪所以我去找他們,聊開了

428
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,191
‪總算熬到當晚尾聲抽獎時間

429
00:28:55,191 --> 00:28:57,694
‪我朋友達仁負責摸彩,我問

430
00:28:58,653 --> 00:28:59,821
‪“裡面有多少?”

431
00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:03,783
‪他說:“只賣了40張摸彩券”
‪我說:“獎品爛嗎?”

432
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,911
‪他說:“有12個很棒的獎品”

433
00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:09,205
‪我說:“狗屁,為什麼沒人買?”

434
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,001
‪他說:“那些家長發現摸彩募到的錢

435
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:15,628
‪不會給我們學校,而是給弱勢學校

436
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:19,382
‪對自己小孩沒好處
‪所以不想買,寧願花錢買醉”

437
00:29:19,382 --> 00:29:21,968
‪我說:“你他媽講真的嗎?”

438
00:29:22,761 --> 00:29:24,763
‪他說:“真的”,我說:“好”

439
00:29:26,055 --> 00:29:29,434
‪“你想賣幾張摸彩券?”
‪他說:“目標是700張”

440
00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,771
‪我說:“好,我買660張”

441
00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:37,567
‪他說:“真的嗎?”
‪我說:“真的,但是現在停賣”

442
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:45,325
‪他說:“這樣你會拿一堆獎”

443
00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,452
‪我說:“達仁,我就是要全拿”

444
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:55,794
‪他說:“這樣有的家長會生氣”

445
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:58,087
‪我說:“不生氣我才難過”

446
00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:02,175
‪我說:“你到底要不要籌錢?”

447
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:05,678
‪他說:“我想籌這筆錢”
‪我說:“給我660張摸彩券

448
00:30:05,678 --> 00:30:09,140
‪馬上停賣摸彩券,而且要保密”

449
00:30:11,142 --> 00:30:13,353
‪“那黎安呢?”
‪“絕對別告訴她”

450
00:30:15,021 --> 00:30:17,273
‪這個人帶我到吧台後面

451
00:30:17,273 --> 00:30:19,859
‪然後整個晚上撕...

452
00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,445
‪那660...

453
00:30:25,490 --> 00:30:27,700
‪張摸彩券時...

454
00:30:28,284 --> 00:30:30,453
‪一直在偷笑

455
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:32,080
‪他把摸彩券交給我時

456
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,791
‪整個人發抖,好像賣毒品給小學生

457
00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:39,420
‪我撕掉第一張和最後一張摸彩券

458
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:42,423
‪然後說:“達仁
‪你知道其他都是我的”

459
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:48,012
‪我這輩子從來沒有為了哪件事

460
00:30:48,012 --> 00:30:50,390
‪這麼興奮過

461
00:30:51,140 --> 00:30:52,183
‪我女兒出生呢?

462
00:30:54,978 --> 00:30:58,606
‪他們在舞台上叫號
‪我選距離最遠的桌子

463
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:00,608
‪想好我要走的路線

464
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,404
‪我手中有兩張摸彩券,黎安走來

465
00:31:04,404 --> 00:31:06,531
‪她說:“你買摸彩券?”
‪我說:“買了幾張”

466
00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:11,286
‪他叫了第一個號碼,我馬上跳起來

467
00:31:11,286 --> 00:31:14,163
‪我說:“我中了!”

468
00:31:15,331 --> 00:31:17,417
‪然後故意沿路撞每個家長

469
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:18,710
‪“對不起喔”

470
00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:22,422
‪“我中了,中獎的摸彩券在我手上

471
00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,466
‪總共12個獎品,我抽到第一個

472
00:31:26,551 --> 00:31:28,887
‪伯特克萊歇爾,對
‪就是我,抱歉喔”

473
00:31:30,597 --> 00:31:33,224
‪我上台領獎,十個喝醉的爸爸在那裡

474
00:31:33,224 --> 00:31:34,767
‪他們問:“你抽到什麼?”

475
00:31:34,767 --> 00:31:36,227
‪我說:“運動手環”

476
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:40,106
‪“我今晚要追蹤自己走幾步”

477
00:31:43,067 --> 00:31:45,778
‪我回桌子,看著黎安說:“媽的讓位”

478
00:31:48,948 --> 00:31:51,618
‪他喊出下一個號碼,我說:“靠!

479
00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:54,495
‪也是我!”

480
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:58,416
‪我跨步向前,我老婆不知道什麼原因

481
00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:01,336
‪站在自己的椅子上

482
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,212
‪向酒吧裡的人宣布

483
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:07,258
‪“我先生是全世界運氣最好的人

484
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:10,720
‪真心不騙,我敢發誓!

485
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,806
‪他就算抽到12個獎
‪我也不覺得奇怪”

486
00:32:16,434 --> 00:32:19,646
‪我現在上台說
‪“希望上帝會聽她的話”

487
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:21,981
‪我領獎

488
00:32:21,981 --> 00:32:23,775
‪十個醉酒老爸問:“什麼獎?”

489
00:32:23,775 --> 00:32:25,401
‪“不知道,他媽的無所謂”

490
00:32:26,819 --> 00:32:29,572
‪我走回中間說
‪“達仁,媽的快叫下一號”

491
00:32:30,823 --> 00:32:34,160
‪他喊出來,我看著黎安
‪我說:“中了,臭婊子!”

492
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:38,915
‪老大回來了!

493
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:51,219
‪我看著其他家長說
‪“達仁,我抽到什麼?”

494
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:55,556
‪他笑到哭出來說:“鑽石耳環”

495
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:59,852
‪我說:“幫我刺耳洞
‪叫我金卡戴珊的爸”

496
00:33:04,023 --> 00:33:06,943
‪我在台上把鑽石耳環
‪穿進高中打的耳洞...

497
00:33:08,903 --> 00:33:11,406
‪發現酒吧的氣氛整個變了

498
00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:14,242
‪從後面開始

499
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,327
‪校長身邊圍著一群人

500
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:19,622
‪校長大聲說:“檢查他的摸彩券!”

501
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:22,917
‪我大聲回去:“少管閒事!”

502
00:33:24,377 --> 00:33:25,753
‪她很生氣

503
00:33:26,504 --> 00:33:27,964
‪現在她衝上台

504
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:31,342
‪“我看到三個獎,但只有兩張摸彩券”

505
00:33:31,342 --> 00:33:32,969
‪“我要看他的摸彩券”

506
00:33:33,469 --> 00:33:36,097
‪達仁涂伯笑到什麼事都不能做

507
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:40,601
‪我看到現場的氣氛靜了下來

508
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:44,522
‪廚房裡的人都沒做菜了

509
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:47,900
‪而是透過那個小小的窗縫往外看...

510
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:54,240
‪本來在調酒的酒保
‪你一聽就知道他動作變慢了...

511
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:04,083
‪那十個相信我的醉酒老爹...

512
00:34:05,418 --> 00:34:07,587
‪現在看著我,好像我辜負他們

513
00:34:09,047 --> 00:34:13,843
‪就像一個小孩看著體育偶像
‪說:“辛普森一定沒殺人吧?”

514
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,813
‪我等著那股氣氛平息...

515
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,199
‪然後手伸進口袋

516
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:41,454
‪抓住那658張摸彩券

517
00:34:41,454 --> 00:34:43,748
‪就像危險的響尾蛇

518
00:34:43,748 --> 00:34:47,627
‪然後灑向空中說
‪“你們這些臭雞巴哭吧!”

519
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,427
‪整間酒吧他媽的瘋了

520
00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:58,262
‪十個酒醉老爸敲桌子

521
00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:00,223
‪“他媽的爽!”

522
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:02,934
‪校長超火大

523
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:04,894
‪我看到黎安沒笑

524
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:09,524
‪校長看到後衝向我老婆

525
00:35:09,524 --> 00:35:13,903
‪對著她很兇的說
‪“妳要馬上制止他”

526
00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:17,907
‪我老婆馬上深呼吸,然後說

527
00:35:18,407 --> 00:35:20,118
‪“美女,他還沒開始呢”

528
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:33,422
‪“美女,還有九個獎,他還沒脫上衣

529
00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:34,924
‪等一下會更慘”

530
00:35:36,843 --> 00:35:39,971
‪然後我老婆喝下紅酒,看著台上說

531
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,056
‪“達仁,你他媽的喊下一號”

532
00:35:46,310 --> 00:35:48,521
‪第四獎,我脫掉上衣

533
00:35:50,648 --> 00:35:53,234
‪第五獎,穿摔角明星上衣的人脫上衣

534
00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:57,238
‪第六獎,後面有個媽媽無意中說

535
00:35:57,238 --> 00:36:00,533
‪雖然有點大聲
‪“這傢伙他媽的誰啊?”

536
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:05,788
‪酒保回答:“這傢伙是他媽的超人!”

537
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,769
‪到了第11獎,大家開始分兩派

538
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,733
‪要不就是愛得要命

539
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:36,652
‪像那十個醉酒老爹和酒保...

540
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,572
‪要不就恨死了

541
00:36:39,572 --> 00:36:41,115
‪如果你恨死這個情況

542
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:44,619
‪就會包圍舞台,抗議摸彩活動

543
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,789
‪這些闖國會的人...

544
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:56,631
‪無法接受當天的結果

545
00:36:57,423 --> 00:37:00,343
‪結果自力...他喊出第12獎時

546
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:01,928
‪我知道該怎麼辦了

547
00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:04,138
‪我得用“吞下去”動作鬧他...

548
00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:06,265
‪吞下去!

549
00:37:06,265 --> 00:37:08,643
‪做20次,連續做

550
00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:11,312
‪吞下去...

551
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:13,898
‪吞...

552
00:37:15,650 --> 00:37:17,568
‪我準備好了,這是我的工作

553
00:37:18,236 --> 00:37:20,988
‪他一叫號,我就做出第一個“吞下去”

554
00:37:20,988 --> 00:37:22,990
‪後來發現,我沒有那張

555
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,077
‪你以為你生氣啊?

556
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,747
‪那十個醉酒老爹敲桌子
‪大聲喊:“重新驗票!”

557
00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:35,711
‪討厭我的人開始扯破喉嚨嘲笑我

558
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:38,172
‪他們說:“活該,胖子!”

559
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,635
‪“衣服穿回去,廢物!你是廢物!”

560
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:45,471
‪他們太吵了
‪我差點聽不到我老婆在後面說

561
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,223
‪“喔,是我!”

562
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:58,484
‪12個獎都被我們抽到了

563
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:04,991
‪然後接下來的晚上
‪我酒醉、光膀子、耳朵穿洞...

564
00:38:06,867 --> 00:38:09,412
‪拿著11個獎品,走向那些父母,說

565
00:38:09,412 --> 00:38:10,496
‪“你們抽到什麼?

566
00:38:12,290 --> 00:38:14,292
‪我忘了,全都被我抽到了”

567
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:18,421
‪我覺得這個故事最棒的地方

568
00:38:18,421 --> 00:38:19,672
‪就是黎安懂了

569
00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,634
‪她懂...她不一定懂我的笑點

570
00:38:24,510 --> 00:38:25,845
‪有的事情...

571
00:38:30,641 --> 00:38:32,935
‪2020年1月

572
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:38,232
‪我跟老婆坐飛機到佛蒙特州的柏林頓

573
00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:41,193
‪我朋友湯姆塞古拉傳訊息給我們

574
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:43,029
‪其實...對...

575
00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:47,700
‪如果你們不知道他是誰

576
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:51,912
‪他就是沒辦法
‪做這個動作的單口相聲諧星

577
00:38:51,912 --> 00:38:52,830
‪所以...

578
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:54,790
‪這個簡單的動作

579
00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:59,837
‪這個簡單的動作會讓這條腿炸掉

580
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,050
‪這隻手臂會在這裡斷掉、轉圈

581
00:39:04,633 --> 00:39:05,676
‪太扯了

582
00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:08,804
‪他超級種族歧視,他...

583
00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:11,265
‪說...對啊

584
00:39:12,058 --> 00:39:14,101
‪他超迷納粹的,反正...

585
00:39:14,894 --> 00:39:17,646
‪湯姆傳給我和黎安群組訊息,說

586
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:19,607
‪“我不知道你們有沒有

587
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,942
‪聽說這個新型冠狀病毒

588
00:39:21,942 --> 00:39:25,863
‪但真的確有其事
‪我剛剛看《洛杉磯時報》的報導

589
00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:27,990
‪上面寫你們社區有疫情

590
00:39:27,990 --> 00:39:30,910
‪這是報導連結,建議你看一下”

591
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:32,661
‪那時是2020年1月

592
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:35,581
‪我慌了,我聽過,可是在我們社區?

593
00:39:35,581 --> 00:39:37,291
‪所以我點了連結

594
00:39:38,459 --> 00:39:40,086
‪我不知道你們收過沒

595
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:43,506
‪但結果不是報導

596
00:39:52,098 --> 00:39:54,850
‪而是一張黑人的照片

597
00:39:56,602 --> 00:39:59,021
‪全身赤裸,坐在床邊,只有...

598
00:40:10,699 --> 00:40:13,452
‪我點連結後
‪看到照片就笑了,好笑吧?

599
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:17,790
‪我喝完雙份威士忌加冰塊,很多冰塊

600
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:21,085
‪我睡著,醒來後到了柏林頓

601
00:40:21,085 --> 00:40:22,503
‪老婆那時很慌

602
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:26,924
‪我們在停機坪上,她說
‪“湯姆有傳訊給你嗎?”

603
00:40:28,342 --> 00:40:29,552
‪我說:“有啊”

604
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,555
‪她說:“媽的嚇死了”

605
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,858
‪我說:“不要這樣講,種族歧視”

606
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:47,194
‪我沒辦法承受,不過,對

607
00:40:48,863 --> 00:40:51,073
‪她說:“不是,到我們社區了”

608
00:40:56,370 --> 00:40:57,872
‪我說:“妳點連結沒?”

609
00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:00,249
‪她說:“我來不及

610
00:41:00,249 --> 00:41:02,209
‪空服員要我收手機”

611
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,254
‪我說:“妳要點連結”

612
00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,633
‪她說:“很慘嗎?”
‪我說:“比妳想的慘”

613
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:16,223
‪我看著這個女人點了那個連結

614
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:19,685
‪還有那個男人照片...
‪剛好他名字叫“大隻”

615
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:23,981
‪...照片出現,她一看到就說

616
00:41:23,981 --> 00:41:26,984
‪“糟了”,然後用手滑掉

617
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,153
‪我老婆不喜歡看大老二,所以...

618
00:41:30,696 --> 00:41:31,739
‪幸好

619
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:34,408
‪她用迷惑的表情看我,我偷笑

620
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:38,537
‪她又點一次連結

621
00:41:40,122 --> 00:41:41,832
‪使用者一定搞錯了吧?

622
00:41:43,125 --> 00:41:47,963
‪又出現同樣的照片
‪只是這次我看到她想捲動

623
00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:53,260
‪因為她以為照片底下有報導

624
00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:57,556
‪找不到報導,用手滑掉

625
00:41:57,556 --> 00:41:59,850
‪然後他媽的點那個連結第三次

626
00:42:00,559 --> 00:42:02,478
‪我現在笑到哭出來

627
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:05,356
‪然後她說:“笑什麼?我手機壞了”

628
00:42:08,442 --> 00:42:09,568
‪我說:“這是笑話”

629
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:12,947
‪她說:“什麼?”
‪我說:“什麼意思?”

630
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:15,032
‪“這是照片”

631
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:18,702
‪“妳以為會看到報導
‪結果看到大老二,這是笑話”

632
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:21,372
‪她說:“不好笑”

633
00:42:23,123 --> 00:42:24,375
‪我說:“我反對

634
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:28,546
‪我看著妳點開三次,越來越好笑”

635
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:34,468
‪她臉色慘白,然後說:“完全不好笑

636
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,221
‪我傳給喬吉雅學校所有的媽媽了”

637
00:42:45,521 --> 00:42:49,233
‪我說:“沒錯,不好笑
‪而是他媽的經典!”

638
00:42:53,487 --> 00:42:56,282
‪我搶她手機,看其他媽媽的回覆

639
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:58,242
‪那些幽默的媽媽最好笑

640
00:42:58,242 --> 00:42:59,994
‪“希望不會頂到我家”

641
00:43:02,329 --> 00:43:04,832
‪有一個媽媽說
‪“我的國三女兒還不行”

642
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:09,878
‪我們的朋友琳恩格魯森回
‪“妳確定是新型冠狀病毒?

643
00:43:09,878 --> 00:43:11,714
‪我大學時就有了”

644
00:43:15,759 --> 00:43:18,929
‪然後她臉色更白,她說
‪“我傳給我們的女兒了”

645
00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:25,019
‪我打給喬吉雅,我說
‪“喬吉雅,媽傳給妳報導連結

646
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:27,730
‪妳看到沒?”
‪她說:“爸,一看就忘不了”

647
00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:33,152
‪“我那時在練壘球
‪結果在教練面前打開”

648
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:37,948
‪我說:“教練說什麼?”

649
00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:41,452
‪“教練說要找那種人練習打擊”

650
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:46,749
‪我說:“妳妹呢?”她去叫艾拉接電話

651
00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:48,751
‪“艾拉,看到媽傳的連結沒?”

652
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:50,002
‪她說:“有”

653
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:54,423
‪我說:“妳覺得呢?”
‪她說:“有趣的報導”

654
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,139
‪我兩個女兒的幽默感超有病

655
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,977
‪喬吉雅有一年生日去找靈媒

656
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:10,731
‪她要說出喬吉雅和她所有朋友的前世

657
00:44:10,731 --> 00:44:13,108
‪那個靈媒來家裡,大概有100歲

658
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:16,070
‪坐在喬吉雅和她朋友對面

659
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,529
‪艾拉和我在最後面

660
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:21,575
‪她說:“好,哪個小姐生日?”

661
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,995
‪艾拉打我,然後說
‪“爸,好遜的靈媒”

662
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,001
‪喬吉雅說:“我”

663
00:44:31,502 --> 00:44:33,712
‪她伸出手掌,靈媒說:“好”

664
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:39,551
‪妳的前世是一場大戰的將軍

665
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:45,307
‪害死了257人

666
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:50,354
‪這些人的鬼魂會糾纏妳到死”

667
00:44:51,605 --> 00:44:52,856
‪艾拉在我旁邊唱...

668
00:44:53,524 --> 00:44:57,277
‪祝妳生日快樂

669
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,866
‪喬吉雅其中一次生日最精彩

670
00:45:02,866 --> 00:45:04,827
‪兩個女兒把我拉到旁邊說:“爸

671
00:45:04,827 --> 00:45:07,830
‪我們要玩密室逃脫”
‪我說:“妳們兩個是天才嗎?

672
00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:13,085
‪妳們要把智商只有80的人
‪放在密室裡看會怎樣?”

673
00:45:13,585 --> 00:45:15,170
‪媽的我不要!

674
00:45:15,963 --> 00:45:19,758
‪她們說:“我們也要你去”
‪我說:“還要加上毒品和酒嗎?好”

675
00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:21,719
‪好樣的

676
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:23,887
‪她們說:“不是,你跟爺爺”

677
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:25,973
‪我說:“現在先暫停一下

678
00:45:27,891 --> 00:45:31,395
‪我跟我爸很沒有合作默契

679
00:45:32,146 --> 00:45:35,983
‪好嗎?絕對不會有好下場,一定慘”

680
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,528
‪她們兩個看著我說:“對,我們知道”

681
00:45:41,405 --> 00:45:43,949
‪我說:“什麼”
‪喬吉雅說:“我生日就要這個

682
00:45:47,202 --> 00:45:49,913
‪我要看爺爺發飆,看你嚇到瘋掉”

683
00:45:56,420 --> 00:45:58,464
‪我說:“好,他很賤,我打電話”

684
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:02,342
‪所以我打給我爸,他75歲

685
00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,219
‪住在坦帕市,聽力很差

686
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:06,472
‪我說:“爸,你們來洛杉磯時

687
00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:09,349
‪我女兒想去密室逃脫”
‪他說:“密室全脫?”

688
00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:13,020
‪我說:“對,她們要玩這個

689
00:46:15,647 --> 00:46:17,733
‪她們要和大家一起脫光光

690
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:22,780
‪我們全都脫光後要去吃乳酪蛋糕”

691
00:46:24,531 --> 00:46:26,366
‪我說:“不是啦,密室逃脫”

692
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:30,329
‪他說:“密室逃脫?
‪他媽的密室逃脫是啥?”

693
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:33,582
‪我聽到我媽在廚房說:“我們要去!

694
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:36,084
‪我在網路上看過,我們去

695
00:46:36,084 --> 00:46:38,587
‪我一直想知道被綁架的感覺”

696
00:46:40,839 --> 00:46:42,966
‪我爸說:“少來,我們不去

697
00:46:42,966 --> 00:46:44,802
‪他媽的密室逃脫是啥?”

698
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:47,805
‪我媽說:“他們會把你抓到車上”

699
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,598
‪我說:“爸,別聽媽的”

700
00:46:51,517 --> 00:46:55,145
‪我說:“爸,是一間密室
‪我們給工作人員200美元

701
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:58,273
‪他們把我們鎖進密室
‪我們要想辦法出來”

702
00:46:58,774 --> 00:47:01,235
‪他在電話另一頭沉默了一下,說

703
00:47:01,735 --> 00:47:03,987
‪“給我50美元,我把你女兒鎖在車上”

704
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:09,743
‪我媽搶走電話,說

705
00:47:09,743 --> 00:47:11,912
‪“我們去,告訴孫女我們去

706
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,622
‪交給我們就對了

707
00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:16,208
‪我們要穿皮衣嗎?”
‪我說:“媽,別亂想”

708
00:47:18,043 --> 00:47:21,797
‪所以我們去了
‪我、我老婆、我爸媽、我女兒

709
00:47:21,797 --> 00:47:25,050
‪我們都去了,問題就從這裡開始

710
00:47:27,511 --> 00:47:29,471
‪我們開車,你們都知道密室逃脫

711
00:47:29,471 --> 00:47:31,682
‪通常都在購物中心吧?

712
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,018
‪這間卻在一個人的家

713
00:47:36,895 --> 00:47:39,982
‪他把家裡每個房間
‪都改裝成密室逃脫場地

714
00:47:39,982 --> 00:47:41,900
‪跟殺人魔約翰蓋西一樣

715
00:47:44,027 --> 00:47:47,406
‪我們開進那個社區
‪我爸說:“媽的太扯”

716
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:50,409
‪喬吉雅說:“爺爺,聽說超恐怖”

717
00:47:50,409 --> 00:47:52,494
‪他說:“小姐,我正在挫屎”

718
00:47:53,495 --> 00:47:55,831
‪我們看到一間全黑、沒有造景的房子

719
00:47:55,831 --> 00:47:59,710
‪黎安說:“應該就這間”
‪我爸說:“媽的繼續往前開”

720
00:48:01,044 --> 00:48:03,672
‪我們下車、到門口、敲門

721
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,424
‪老闆已經入戲了

722
00:48:06,049 --> 00:48:06,925
‪喔

723
00:48:07,759 --> 00:48:09,887
‪這是洛杉磯,那傢伙超強

724
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:14,141
‪絲質長袍、頭包毛巾、撫摸一隻小貓

725
00:48:14,141 --> 00:48:15,267
‪然後他說...

726
00:48:21,315 --> 00:48:22,941
‪“你們有看到我媽嗎?”

727
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:26,153
‪我爸抓我的手說:“他剛剛說啥?”

728
00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:29,615
‪我說:“他在找他媽媽”

729
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:31,658
‪他說:“叫他媽媽來吸我老二”

730
00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,162
‪我爸說:“這是真的嗎?”

731
00:48:35,871 --> 00:48:38,081
‪我說:“這是遊戲的一部分,演下去”

732
00:48:38,081 --> 00:48:40,626
‪他說:“你們要參觀我家嗎?”

733
00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:43,086
‪我媽說:“好,我們想參觀

734
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:47,132
‪你媽叫什麼名字?幾歲?
‪上哪間大學?快記下來”

735
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,344
‪我們參觀房子,所有女人都很投入

736
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:53,847
‪我爸拚命挑這個人的毛病

737
00:48:53,847 --> 00:48:56,099
‪他說:“他跟大便一樣臭

738
00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:00,687
‪這傢伙他媽的一定住這裡,他住...

739
00:49:00,687 --> 00:49:04,441
‪什麼鬼瘋子會住在每個房間都...

740
00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:06,568
‪他剛剛在吃午餐”

741
00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:11,990
‪“他吃起司通心粉配咖啡
‪誰他媽的喝咖啡還...

742
00:49:12,908 --> 00:49:16,370
‪黑咖啡配起司通心粉?
‪我保證他有腸躁症”

743
00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:20,207
‪我說:“爸,我覺得這些線索沒用”

744
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:23,043
‪那傢伙說:“想看我媽房間嗎?”

745
00:49:23,043 --> 00:49:25,253
‪我爸說:“他媽的絕對不要”

746
00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:27,756
‪我媽說:“我們想看”

747
00:49:27,756 --> 00:49:30,634
‪他說:“媽媽禁止
‪車鑰匙、手機或錢包

748
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,220
‪請把口袋清空,放到廚房桌上”

749
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:35,889
‪我們乖乖的說:“好”

750
00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:39,101
‪我們清空口袋

751
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:41,228
‪走進密室

752
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:46,274
‪我一踏進密室
‪就感應到後面的門關上、鎖死

753
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:48,902
‪結果我嚇到瘋掉

754
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,365
‪我想到的第一件事

755
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,410
‪就是他沒問我們名字

756
00:49:59,871 --> 00:50:01,707
‪我們沒給他信用卡

757
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,544
‪沒有填免責聲明

758
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:09,006
‪也沒有核對地址

759
00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,927
‪我們只看到這個社區裡的詭異房子

760
00:50:15,178 --> 00:50:17,597
‪敲了門,他提問題,我們就想

761
00:50:17,597 --> 00:50:19,766
‪“史酷比一行人能解出謎題了”

762
00:50:21,393 --> 00:50:23,186
‪現在我們被鎖在這間房裡

763
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:27,149
‪我爸在旁邊說
‪“我是從哪裡開始犯錯的?

764
00:50:28,316 --> 00:50:31,862
‪你剛剛把全家人
‪送進殺人魔的家嗎?”

765
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:36,867
‪喬吉雅說:“爺爺,恐怖吧?”
‪他說:“妳他媽說對了”

766
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:41,496
‪“妳們兩個今晚
‪會被賣給阿爾巴尼亞人

767
00:50:42,706 --> 00:50:45,459
‪下半輩子都在車臣妓院工作”

768
00:50:45,459 --> 00:50:47,586
‪艾拉說:“爺爺,要怎麼出去?”

769
00:50:47,586 --> 00:50:50,380
‪他說:“我得去幫那個人吹喇叭

770
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,968
‪有個人要幫他吹喇叭
‪我建議由妳們的白痴老爸”

771
00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:58,513
‪我媽說:“他會把我們綁起來嗎?”

772
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:00,807
‪我爸說:“妳他媽閉嘴,瑪姬!

773
00:51:01,683 --> 00:51:05,270
‪妳那白痴兒子
‪剛剛把我們送進殺人魔的家

774
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:08,273
‪而且他跟大便一樣臭
‪你們都沒聞到?

775
00:51:08,774 --> 00:51:11,693
‪可能因為他整天
‪都吃起司通心粉配咖啡”

776
00:51:12,194 --> 00:51:14,571
‪那傢伙說:“先生,我聽得到喔”

777
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:18,784
‪現在我整個人徹底嚇傻

778
00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:23,497
‪我這個人一慌
‪就會肚子不舒服,必須馬上大便

779
00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:27,501
‪我到處找能拉屎的花瓶這類東西

780
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:31,505
‪我爸太了解我
‪他說:“他媽的完了,別想

781
00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:35,133
‪網球夏令營事件重演
‪他要拉在花盆裡

782
00:51:35,801 --> 00:51:39,262
‪混蛋,他媽的這個白痴
‪送我們到殺人魔的家

783
00:51:39,262 --> 00:51:41,264
‪現在要拉在殺手媽媽的房間?

784
00:51:42,599 --> 00:51:45,185
‪我女兒跳上跳下,興奮極了

785
00:51:46,103 --> 00:51:50,440
‪我老婆他媽的超猛
‪一個人就找到四個線索

786
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:55,821
‪拉出桌下的桿子,結果燈熄了

787
00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:58,949
‪我們聽到兩聲尖叫和碰一聲

788
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:00,408
‪燈光恢復了

789
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:03,537
‪我抓著兩個女兒當人肉盾牌

790
00:52:05,205 --> 00:52:07,833
‪我媽在地上的大箱子裡面

791
00:52:07,833 --> 00:52:10,001
‪“你爸爸把我推去撞牆”

792
00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:13,755
‪我爸說:“幹,她說謊,是她跌倒”

793
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:18,009
‪那傢伙說:“我看到他把她推去撞牆”

794
00:52:19,344 --> 00:52:22,889
‪黎安又解出兩道線索
‪牆上的一個活門打開

795
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:25,809
‪出現60公分高、90公分寬的隧道

796
00:52:25,809 --> 00:52:28,019
‪穿越牆壁,通往隔壁房間

797
00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:30,063
‪我媽把頭探進去

798
00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:31,523
‪然後出來說...

799
00:52:34,609 --> 00:52:36,611
‪“我們應該全都爬進牆壁”

800
00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:40,157
‪我爸說:“妳先請”

801
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:44,661
‪她爬進牆裡後
‪他說:“幹,我們就當她死了吧

802
00:52:46,037 --> 00:52:47,539
‪早死早好,留她無用”

803
00:52:48,039 --> 00:52:51,543
‪黎安爬進牆裡後,他說
‪“全隊最有戰力的去了

804
00:52:52,460 --> 00:52:55,172
‪我跟你們三人困在這裡
‪他媽的給我爬進去”

805
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:59,676
‪我說:“我不要爬進去”
‪喬吉雅要我爸逼我進去

806
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:02,220
‪我說:“我怕密閉空間”

807
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:04,890
‪艾拉說:“爸,什麼秘密空間?”

808
00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:07,100
‪我說:“他媽的閉嘴,艾拉!”

809
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:12,522
‪我爸說:“兄弟,給你一個壞消息

810
00:53:13,356 --> 00:53:15,025
‪你他媽的給我爬進去”

811
00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:19,362
‪他說:“孫女先進去
‪大個子,我在你後面

812
00:53:19,362 --> 00:53:22,157
‪眼睛閉起來,聽我指示

813
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,868
‪我教你怎麼在牆壁裡爬,相信我

814
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:28,622
‪你要是不動
‪我就頂你屁股穿過這面牆

815
00:53:30,123 --> 00:53:31,625
‪現在他媽的給我爬”

816
00:53:32,292 --> 00:53:36,087
‪我女兒、我和我爸在牆裡爬的時候

817
00:53:36,630 --> 00:53:39,716
‪我聽著他的聲音
‪就像我小時候打棒球

818
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:41,009
‪“加油,大個子

819
00:53:41,593 --> 00:53:42,719
‪有志者事竟成

820
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:46,306
‪聽我的聲音,我們一定能合作成功”

821
00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:48,099
‪聽好了...

822
00:53:50,644 --> 00:53:53,146
‪我不知道是因為...

823
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,524
‪我身體的角度...

824
00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:05,825
‪還是因為焦慮感...

825
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,412
‪造成我的胃不舒服...

826
00:54:10,664 --> 00:54:14,334
‪還是因為在地上狗爬式的關係...

827
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:19,297
‪可是我放出詭異至極的毒屁...

828
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,344
‪就像從屁股排出的口臭...

829
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:33,436
‪你的身體放出這種屁
‪就像從木乃伊石棺洩出的詛咒

830
00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:42,070
‪這種屁能灼傷屁眼
‪那股屁,那種空氣就能灼傷屁眼

831
00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:45,448
‪我想:“剛才是空氣
‪等一下我會血便”

832
00:54:48,660 --> 00:54:51,788
‪我把屁放進我爸嘴裡
‪就跟人形蜈蚣一樣

833
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:59,629
‪結果他馬上從教練變成傻屄
‪“我們一定行,大個子”

834
00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:00,547
‪“我們可...

835
00:55:03,258 --> 00:55:04,426
‪幹,繼續前進

836
00:55:05,844 --> 00:55:07,637
‪有志者...搞屁啊?

837
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:10,390
‪附近可能有動物屍體

838
00:55:12,058 --> 00:55:13,351
‪我覺得是石棉

839
00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:16,521
‪我眼睛好痛,繼續前進”

840
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:21,026
‪“我好像在《刺激1995》的隧道裡

841
00:55:21,026 --> 00:55:22,193
‪你為什麼不前進?

842
00:55:23,653 --> 00:55:24,863
‪滲透進我的皮膚了

843
00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:27,657
‪我的衣服也開始...

844
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:29,784
‪混蛋快走!”

845
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,163
‪我轉過去說:“沒辦法,我快挫屎了”

846
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:34,414
‪他說:“是你?

847
00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:37,917
‪是你?你害我得癌症了”

848
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:43,173
‪我連臼齒都感覺到了!繼續前進!”

849
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:51,514
‪我女兒飛奔出那道牆
‪她們這輩子從來沒這麼開心過

850
00:55:53,266 --> 00:55:55,852
‪她們跑去找我媽說:“奶奶,成功了”

851
00:55:57,896 --> 00:56:00,523
‪我爬出去後說
‪“奶奶,大個子不高興”

852
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:05,695
‪我爸爬出牆壁
‪就像海珊離開那個地洞一樣

853
00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:09,657
‪“操你媽!幹你娘!

854
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,702
‪天啊,你媽的給我去看醫生!

855
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:15,955
‪這種屁是不健康的,不...

856
00:56:15,955 --> 00:56:18,416
‪瑪姬,他拉屎跟妳家那邊的人一樣

857
00:56:18,416 --> 00:56:21,002
‪你要去照大腸鏡

858
00:56:21,002 --> 00:56:24,464
‪你大腸有問題,我告訴你
‪你老婆他媽的人呢?”

859
00:56:26,591 --> 00:56:29,719
‪黎安從屋頂的斜支架跑出來

860
00:56:31,262 --> 00:56:34,099
‪她說:“亞伯,我破解密室逃脫了

861
00:56:35,141 --> 00:56:37,977
‪你試試其中一道門”
‪他說:“媽的我才不要!”

862
00:56:38,770 --> 00:56:41,898
‪他握牆上三個把手的其中一個

863
00:56:41,898 --> 00:56:43,233
‪沒動靜

864
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:44,818
‪上鎖了

865
00:56:44,818 --> 00:56:49,364
‪我女兒現在兩腿交叉,笑到快尿出來

866
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,534
‪他已經快爆炸了:“幹你娘!”

867
00:56:53,535 --> 00:56:56,204
‪他試開下一道門
‪沒動靜:“臭雞巴!”

868
00:56:57,539 --> 00:57:00,792
‪試開第三道門,就在打開時

869
00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:04,129
‪他轉身背對門,看著我們說

870
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:06,089
‪“他媽的總算!”

871
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:09,801
‪他沒看到我們看到的東西...

872
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,179
‪一個90歲的女人

873
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,349
‪穿著睡衣在衣櫥裡

874
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,893
‪在衣櫥裡等了45分鐘

875
00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:22,355
‪我不知道她和我們誰比較害怕

876
00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:28,111
‪她的眼睛因為燈光
‪還在適應,又得記住台詞

877
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:29,028
‪然後她說...

878
00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:32,740
‪我爸關上門

879
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:38,163
‪用腳跟抵住,然後說
‪“大家爬到他媽的牆壁裡!”

880
00:57:39,956 --> 00:57:42,333
‪我女兒現在笑到躺在地上

881
00:57:43,334 --> 00:57:44,836
‪喬吉雅看著我說

882
00:57:44,836 --> 00:57:47,589
‪“我完全沒想到有這麼讚!”

883
00:57:49,174 --> 00:57:52,343
‪我爸看著我,然後說
‪“她們在講什麼鬼話?”

884
00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:55,972
‪我說:“爸,你聽了會很不爽

885
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:59,225
‪但她們要你來只有一個原因...

886
00:58:00,894 --> 00:58:02,145
‪就是為了這一刻”

887
00:58:04,439 --> 00:58:06,232
‪他說:“為了破解密室逃脫?”

888
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:10,445
‪我說:“不是,是為了看你發飆”

889
00:58:12,906 --> 00:58:14,908
‪他還站在那裡,腳跟擋著門

890
00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:17,827
‪環顧四周,好像要找可以愛的人

891
00:58:20,872 --> 00:58:22,749
‪然後看著我的兩個女兒說

892
00:58:23,249 --> 00:58:24,292
‪“妳們故意的?

893
00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:27,962
‪妳們想看這一刻”

894
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:30,757
‪他看了手錶,然後說

895
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,552
‪“我的蘋果手錶說我心跳154”

896
00:58:40,391 --> 00:58:42,393
‪“小姐,我75歲了

897
00:58:43,937 --> 00:58:46,105
‪每天要吃九種藥

898
00:58:46,606 --> 00:58:48,691
‪有高血壓、高膽固醇

899
00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:51,152
‪妳們爸爸剛才拉屎在我嘴裡!

900
00:58:51,986 --> 00:58:55,532
‪這個鐵達尼號的老太太
‪還被鎖在他媽的衣櫥裡!

901
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:57,951
‪這是妳們要的?”

902
00:58:58,868 --> 00:59:00,578
‪艾拉看著喬吉雅,然後...

903
00:59:00,578 --> 00:59:04,707
‪祝妳生日快樂

904
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,838
‪謝謝奧馬哈的鄉親!

905
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:20,014
‪謝謝...

906
01:01:12,293 --> 01:01:15,296
‪字幕翻譯:溫鳳祺