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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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please welcome to the stage
Bert Kreischer!
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- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [dramatic music playing]
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[audience continues cheering]
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[audience cheering]
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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Yes!
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you. Yes.
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You look beautiful, sir.
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[cheering continues]
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Thank you. Thank you.
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- [man wolf-whistles]
- I look beautiful. Thank you, sir.
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[audience cheering]
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This is the skinniest fat I've ever been.
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[audience laughing and cheering]
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Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. [chuckles]
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I'm so fat, when I jog,
my ass hairs tie in a knot.
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[audience laughing]
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Yeah. You don't even know it's happening.
It's really a treat.
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[audience laughing]
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Get in the shower, get a handful of soap,
give yourself a little credit card action.
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- [audience laughing]
- And you get denied.
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I'm talking rope, ladies.
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Ass cheek to ass cheek.
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Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and...
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some Italian women will tell you that.
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[audience laughing]
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You just put your finger on top
until you're free.
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Like when you sleep in a braid.
Same thing.
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[audience laughing]
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One time, I was on vacation,
and it wouldn't come free.
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Like, I'm the shower tugging.
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And I'm panicking too,
because I got to take a shit.
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[audience laughing]
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If we don't do something,
I'm gonna have a Play-Doh factory there.
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So I get out of the shower.
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I grab my pocket knife.
I walk over to my wife.
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[audience laughing]
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[Bert laughs]
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[audience laughing]
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I go, "I need to know if you're on my team
or off my team."
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[audience laughing]
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[thick Southern accent]
She's like, "I'm on your team."
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[normal voice] My wife's a redneck.
I should have told you that.
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On our marriage application,
in her hometown,
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third question: "Are you blood relatives?"
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[audience laughing]
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I go, "What do we put for three?"
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- [Bert laughs]
- [audience laughs]
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The lady goes, "Well, is you?"
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[audience laughing]
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I go, "I don't think we is." [laughs]
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"Then put you ain't."
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"I'm not writing 'ain't.'
That means we is." So...
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[audience laughing]
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I hand my wife the pocket knife,
and I go, "We have a problem."
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I turn around, show her the affected area.
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[audience laughing]
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And she says, "Why did you do that?"
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[audience laughing]
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Fantastic question, LeeAnn. You know...
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I figured, we're on vacation.
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Lady by the pool's like,
"Braid your hair. Braid you hair."
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[audience laughing]
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"I didn't do this on purpose, fuck nut."
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[audience laughing]
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"Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd.
I'm cresting down here."
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[audience laughing]
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She's like, "I ain't doing that."
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I was like, "Hate to break
your heart, redneck. I think you is."
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[audience laughs]
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"As a matter of fact,
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you're the only person on this island
that will be cutting these ass hairs."
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[audience laughs]
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I can't call the front desk and be like,
"Send up a sure-handed boy."
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[audience laughing]
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"Better yet, who does your hedges?
I like his work."
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[audience laughing]
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She goes, "No, I ain't."
And she puts the knife down
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and turns on the hair dryer
as if our conversation's over.
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Oh, you want to play games?
Let's play fucking games.
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I grabbed the knife.
I'm still naked, mind you.
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I sit down on the bed, facing her.
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Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air
like a baby getting his diaper changed,
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and just go, "Wah!"
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"Baby's got a knotty asshole!"
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[audience laughing]
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I didn't even hear my daughters
walk in the room.
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[audience howling]
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[audience laughing]
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All I heard was,
"Oh my God, Dad's vagina!"
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[audience laughing]
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Scared the shit outta me!
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[audience laughing]
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I hop up naked with a knife like
I'm fighting two hookers for my wallet.
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[audience laughing]
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LeeAnn doesn't even know what's going on.
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She sees the commotion,
cuts off the hair dryer, and goes,
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"Fine, give me the knife.
I'll cut your asshole."
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[audience laughing]
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My daughters are shell-shocked.
"What the fuck are you two doing?"
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[audience laughs]
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They storm out. I get in trouble.
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She goes, "You know, heads-up,
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you're not supposed to show
your daughters your dick."
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[audience laughing]
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I was like, "Objection, Amber Heard.
That's not what happened."
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[audience laughing]
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- Yeah. Walk it back, sister.
- [audience] Oh!
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Yes.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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First off, they didn't just
see my dick, okay?
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[audience laughs]
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That would have been a walk in the park.
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[audience laughs]
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They saw all of it.
The trilogy. All three stories.
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Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East!
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[audience laughing]
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Secondly, I didn't show them my dick.
I wasn't like, "Hey, girls..."
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[audience laughing]
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"You almost done your homework?"
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[audience laughing]
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"Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15.
There's something I want to show you."
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[audience laughing]
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[Bert chuckles]
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They didn't even see good dick either.
That's what bothered me.
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No, hang on. Hear me out.
I'm not saying I want it to be rock-hard,
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but, like...
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[audience laughing]
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...pretty hard.
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You can't send your daughters to college
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thinking their dad's got
the smallest dick.
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[audience laughing]
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First time they get a guy
and they're like, "Now, that's a cock."
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"Shit!"
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"Yeah, my dad has a penis. That's a cock."
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"You could whip that out at a party.
My dad's got something you show a nurse."
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[audience laughing]
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They saw belly dick.
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Just sitting there, defenseless, just...
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[audience laughing]
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Looks like a whale breaching.
Just... [groans]
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[audience laughing]
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Can't tell where it starts,
but you know where it stops.
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[audience laughing]
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Looks like a little boy looking in a well.
"What's going on in here?"
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[audience laughing]
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What the fuck, I saw my dad naked.
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A lot.
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[audience laughing]
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A lot...
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One time, he got in the shower with me.
I was taking too long. He had work.
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I was in ninth grade.
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[audience laughing]
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Yeah, I panicked
and did the old Buffalo Bill
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from Silence of the Lambs, just...
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[audience laughing]
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I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough.
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[audience laughing]
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Enough that the first time
I got a chick naked,
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I was like, "Where's your C-section scar?"
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[audience laughing]
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[Bert chuckles]
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My wife's honest with them.
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She's honest, 100% honest all the time.
The other night we're at dinner.
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I'm three drinks in.
The girls go, "You guys ever done drugs?"
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I'm like, "What are you, fucking cops?"
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[audience laughing]
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She just goes, "Yeah."
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[audience laughs]
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"What the fuck you doing?" She goes,
"You got to be honest with them girls."
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"I smoked marijuana a couple of times."
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"I didn't like it very much."
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"Made me throw up. Never smoked it again."
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"But your daddy's done cocaine."
I go, "What the fuck?"
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[audience laughing]
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"I don't think they're looking
for recommendations, LeeAnn."
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[audience laughing]
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She's like, "Go on, tell 'em.
Go on, tell 'em. Tell 'em."
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"Tell 'em the truth now."
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I was like, "Okay, I tried cocaine...
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one time."
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[audience laughing]
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"I didn't like it very much."
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[audience laughing]
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"It made me throw up. Never did it again."
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[audience laughing]
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I hear her fucking laughing.
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She goes, "That's a lie.
Your daddy's done cocaine a lot."
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[audience laughing]
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"Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13.
Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah."
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"Yeah. She's a whore!"
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- [Bert laughs]
- [audience laughing]
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And she just leans into me, she goes,
"First of all, I was almost 14."
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[audience laughing]
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"And shit, ain't nothing to do
in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race."
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[audience laughing]
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I'm like, "Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?"
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[audience laughing]
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"Sorry I ain't no prude like your daddy.
Your daddy's only been with six people."
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"And he lost his virginity
when he was 17."
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I was like, "First,
I've been with six women, not people."
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[audience laughing]
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And 17's a normal number.
But they've already heard 13.
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Now they're looking at me, like... [gasps]
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"Were you homeschooled, Dad?"
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[audience laughing]
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I'm like, "Thirteen's the fucked-up number
in this story."
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"Seventeen's normal. I'm so sorry
I wasn't molested like your mother."
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00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,800
[audience laughing]
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I didn't spend high school
in the back of a pickup truck
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in a field all "Next!"
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[audience laughing]
217
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I fucking hate that I love this woman.
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[audience laughing]
219
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My buddy-- My buddy sold his company,
made a lot of money,
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and got rid of his old wife, upgraded.
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Twenty-seven years old.
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- [scattered cheering]
- Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah.
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He brought her to our house,
showing her off. "She can't read at all."
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00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,412
[audience laughing]
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That night, I get in bed with my wife.
My old one.
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00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,209
[audience laughing]
227
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Socks on under the covers.
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[audience laughing]
229
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Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine.
230
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Gotta lick that dead old dry finger
to turn a page.
231
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[audience laughing]
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[laughing]
233
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I was drunk.
234
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,063
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert laughs]
235
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:10,318
I leaned over-- This is the relationship
I have with my wife, okay?
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I just lean over, look at her, and go...
237
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"I wonder what I could upgrade to."
238
00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:18,993
- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]
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She looks at me and goes,
240
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"I'd like to see you fucking try."
241
00:10:22,830 --> 00:10:24,790
[audience laughing]
242
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,002
She's all, "You wouldn't know
what to do with the floor model."
243
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,003
[audience laughs]
244
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,005
New car smell with the push-button start.
245
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,090
[imitates engine revving]
246
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I said, "Yeah, I've been working
with the old beater too long."
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Just... [imitates engine spluttering]
248
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You ever get your wife close to an orgasm
and watch it just disappear?
249
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You get her right there...
250
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,316
[engine cranking]
251
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,942
[engine slowly revving]
252
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:55,112
Then the cat jumps up on the bed.
"Are we fucking this bitch?"
253
00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:56,781
[audience laughing]
254
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,867
You're like, "Goddamn it, Gus Gus,
get the fuck out of here."
255
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:00,951
[audience laughing]
256
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,871
Here, let me go. One, two, three.
257
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,040
That's how it's done. Jesus, fuck!
258
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,583
[audience laughing]
259
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,918
[audience member cheers]
260
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:13,005
I'm fast at sex. I'm so fast,
one time I had an orgasm and she laughed.
261
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,132
[audience laughing]
262
00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:18,386
She goes, "Shit, I don't think
you could've gotten AIDS from that one."
263
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,470
[audience laughing]
264
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,931
Yeah. [laughs] She's a bully.
265
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,518
A fucking bully.
She doesn't give me a blowjob.
266
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,977
Oh, no.
267
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:28,979
She toys with me.
268
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:30,981
Grabs my dick.
269
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,984
Stares at me, just, "Oh."
270
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,070
[audience laughing]
271
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,240
[moans]
272
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,700
[audience laughing]
273
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,618
[moans]
274
00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:44,704
"Oh, oh."
275
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,581
Is this thing on?
276
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:48,749
[audience laughing]
277
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:53,087
Do you know how soul-sucking it is
to have to fake laugh
278
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,588
to get your dick sucked?
279
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:56,549
As a comedian...
280
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,510
I told my buddy Tom this, he goes,
"That would break my spirit."
281
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:03,347
He goes, "Know what I'd do
if I was lucky to suck your cock?"
282
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:04,890
I was like, "Please tell me."
283
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:07,226
[audience laughing]
284
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,314
He said, "I'd respect the fact
that you're a comedian,
285
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:14,942
and I would bring you
original material every time."
286
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:16,944
[audience laughing]
287
00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:18,112
I said, "Like what?"
288
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,907
He didn't flinch.
"I'd grab your dick, look you in the eyes,
289
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:26,912
and go, 'This week, on a very special
episode of Man v. Food.'"
290
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:29,248
[audience laughing]
291
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,751
"'One man takes one dick
to the mouth until it explodes.'"
292
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,627
[moaning]
293
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,755
We cried laughing.
294
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,132
[audience laughing]
295
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,801
And then one month later,
I'm in bed with my wife.
296
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,138
She goes down to give me a blowjob.
297
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,849
I completely forgot
the conversation I had with Tom...
298
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,893
[audience laughs]
299
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,352
...until she...
300
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:56,233
taps on my dick,
and I start laughing hysterically.
301
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,152
[audience laughing]
302
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:01,071
She goes, "Finally, you get it."
I said, "What?"
303
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,741
She goes, "Get the joke?
It's a microphone."
304
00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:05,993
I said,
"You thought I didn't get the joke?"
305
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:07,536
[audience laughing]
306
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:10,831
She goes, "You don't laugh."
I said, "Because it's not fucking funny."
307
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,043
She goes, "Not funny,
why are you laughing now?"
308
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,086
I said, "I'm thinking about Tom."
309
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:18,172
[audience laughing]
310
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,137
[audience cheering]
311
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,393
"He does this better than you."
312
00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:33,312
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert chuckles]
313
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,689
She's turned my daughters into bullies.
314
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:39,068
Yeah. We were watching a documentary
the other night on Gandhi.
315
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:43,280
All I said was, "I don't get
the whole hunger strike thing."
316
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:46,826
My daughter Georgia looks me up and down
and goes, "No shit."
317
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,911
[audience laughing]
318
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,668
They don't call me Dad.
They have nicknames, like "Chonk."
319
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:56,752
[audience laughing]
320
00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:59,129
Or "Fetus." They call me "Fetus."
321
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,464
[audience laughing]
322
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:04,718
They had a nickname they were calling me
behind my back for two years.
323
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,847
We're at dinner one night.
LeeAnn sends a text.
324
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,224
Both the girls giggle.
"Oh, good one, Mom."
325
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,725
[audience laughs]
326
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,311
I said, "What is it?"
They said, "You wouldn't get it."
327
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:17,064
I said, "I'm the funniest motherfucker
at this table."
328
00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,607
[audience laughing]
329
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:21,944
"My comedy's paying for this dinner
and those teeth. Run it by me."
330
00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:24,029
[audience laughing]
331
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,286
Ila's like, "I don't think
you'd find it funny." [giggles]
332
00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:33,330
So I go to the bathroom.
I come back quick.
333
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:35,374
I look over Ila's shoulder. She's slow.
334
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,459
[audience laughing]
335
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:41,672
What I see is a series of pictures of me,
336
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:45,509
and the chat thread is titled,
"Baby Walrus."
337
00:14:45,509 --> 00:14:47,595
[audience laughing]
338
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,641
My stomach drops. I sit down at the table.
I go, "What the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
339
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:56,937
They freeze. They're like,
"Oh, it's not, 'What's Baby Walrus?'"
340
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,063
[audience laughs]
341
00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,857
"It's, 'Who's Baby Walrus?'"
342
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,191
[audience laughing]
343
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,069
I said, "Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?"
344
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,573
Ila goes, "I think you know
who Baby Walrus is."
345
00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:09,700
Georgia goes, "Calm down, Dad."
346
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,870
"It's just Mom thinks
when you put on fancy clothes,
347
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,625
you look like a baby walrus
who's trying to escape from the zoo."
348
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,710
[audience laughing]
349
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:25,007
I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, "Calm down.
You actually behave like a baby walrus."
350
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:28,552
I said, "No, I don't."
And then the waitress came over.
351
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,846
She goes, "Double Tito's and soda,
big glass, no lime?"
352
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:35,017
I didn't even think I did it.
I went... [groaning]
353
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,979
Ila pulls out here phone.
"Baby Walrus loves vodka." Click, click.
354
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:41,273
[audience laughing]
355
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,108
I will destroy these women.
356
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,610
[audience laughing]
357
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,446
My daughters are dumb as fuck.
We went camping one time.
358
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:48,530
[audience laughing]
359
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,533
Whole family goes camping.
Middle of nowhere.
360
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,786
Ten o'clock at night.
Girls are roasting marshmallows.
361
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,872
LeeAnn's over by the tent, cleaning up.
I'm drinking moonshine.
362
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:01,126
Ten o'clock at night,
we hear a gunshot ring out.
363
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,753
Just... [imitates gunshot]
364
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,755
We're frozen. LeeAnn's a redneck.
365
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,424
She's like, "Someone got their period,"
or whatever.
366
00:16:07,424 --> 00:16:09,093
[audience laughing]
367
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:18,394
[laughing]
368
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,479
[audience continues laughing]
369
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,858
[audience cheering]
370
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,194
[Bert laughing]
371
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:31,699
She's not even this big of a redneck,
but she hates this accent.
372
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:32,825
[audience laughs]
373
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,077
So it's gonna get worse
throughout the show.
374
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:37,162
[audience laughing]
375
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,085
It's ten o'clock at night.
We heard a gunshot. We're fucking frozen.
376
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,005
No one says a word for ten seconds.
377
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,632
And then we hear another gunshot ring out.
378
00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:50,009
[imitates gunshot]
379
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,679
My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow
out of the fire,
380
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:57,057
looks at all of us very confidently,
and goes, "Well...
381
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,269
we know it's not a suicide."
382
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,855
[audience laughing]
383
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,783
I was like, "Thanks, Matlock."
384
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,535
[audience laughing]
385
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,039
She goes, "Two gunshots, Dad."
"I follow your math there, big brain."
386
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,290
[audience laughing]
387
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,459
This child will make you stupid by proxy.
388
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,002
[audience laughing]
389
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:28,130
We're in the car one time.
Georgia's up front, I'm driving.
390
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:29,506
Ila's in the back seat.
391
00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,426
And we drive past a sign that says,
"Deaf child."
392
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,430
And immediately I hear
the think tank in the back start bubbling.
393
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,890
[audience laughing]
394
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:41,477
Ila just, to herself, goes,
"Oh, well, that's racist."
395
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,353
[audience laughing]
396
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:47,066
I go, "Nope. No, it's not. That's...
That's not what racism looks like."
397
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,693
And Georgia goes,
"Ila, they put that sign up
398
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:53,155
so we know when we're in this neighborhood
we should lower our radios."
399
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,948
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
400
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:57,451
[audience laughing]
401
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,912
"No, finish this.
I want to hear the end of this."
402
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,914
[audience laughing]
403
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:05,084
She goes, "So we don't rub it in
that we can hear, right, Dad?"
404
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,126
[audience laughing]
405
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:09,171
I'm like, "No, that's not--
Shit, you're dumber than she is."
406
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,422
"No. No."
407
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,633
"No, Georgia,
that's not why they have that."
408
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:16,678
"It's so you know there's a kid that
may not hear your car coming, Georgia."
409
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:20,432
And then Ila leans up at the front
and goes, "So are deaf kids like guns?"
410
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:21,809
[audience laughs]
411
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,936
"Do you have to register them
with the state?"
412
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,021
[audience laughing]
413
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,610
I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
414
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:36,323
She goes, "Well, Dad, how do they know
where to put those signs?"
415
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,033
[audience laughing]
416
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:41,495
And now I'm sitting in the front seat
of this clown car,
417
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,623
thinking sincerely to myself,
418
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,793
"How do they know
where to put those signs?"
419
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,878
[audience laughing]
420
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,549
You cannot put me and this child together.
We're bad news.
421
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:54,508
[audience laughs]
422
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:57,636
We're dumb as fuck
and we have impulse control problems.
423
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:58,971
[audience laughing]
424
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,014
We went to Georgia's
choir concert one time.
425
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,767
Four hours long, just to set the scene.
426
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,729
Four hours of choir.
And LeeAnn doesn't even sit in the room.
427
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:11,567
She sits in the back and sells baked goods
with friends and chitchats for hours.
428
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,736
Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit
in the front row for four hours.
429
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:17,614
She's having a blast.
Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass.
430
00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:18,824
[audience laughing]
431
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,493
Two hours into this choir concert,
choir teacher comes out
432
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:24,204
and lets us know they're auctioning
use of the school snow machine
433
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,581
to the highest bidder.
434
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:29,293
Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila
shaking like a junkie next to me.
435
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:30,752
[audience laughing]
436
00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,463
I go, "What's wrong with you?"
And she goes, "Fetus..."
437
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,258
[audience laughing]
438
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,801
"...we need that snow machine."
439
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:41,555
I'm like, "Uh, we're getting
that fucking snow machine."
440
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:42,639
[audience laughing]
441
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:46,476
She's like, "Should I go out and ask Mom?"
"Fuck that bitch. She's not here."
442
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:47,769
[audience laughing]
443
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:50,522
"I'm a parent also, Ila.
I can make decisions too."
444
00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:51,940
[audience laughing]
445
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:56,111
She's like, "Do we have $50?"
I go, "Baby, without your mom in the room,
446
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:58,822
we have stupid fucking money."
447
00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:01,200
[audience laughing]
448
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,077
"Watch and learn. I'm about to drop
a big dick on this room."
449
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,454
[audience laughing]
450
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,706
I stand up in the front row.
Teacher gets excited.
451
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:11,919
"Do I hear an opening bid of $50?"
I said, "Honey, cut out the riffraff."
452
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,337
"Make it 500."
453
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,546
[audience cheers]
454
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,340
Room goes crazy.
455
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:19,218
I sit down. Ila's shaking back and forth.
456
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,136
- "Ahh!"
- [audience laughing]
457
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,387
I go, "What's wrong?"
458
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:25,682
She goes, "You just dropped
a big dick on the room, Dad!"
459
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:27,976
[audience cheering and applauding]
460
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:38,695
Laughter dies out.
I hear one dad in the back still laughing.
461
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,115
I'm like, "Shit, we got a problem."
462
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:43,408
[audience laughing]
463
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:44,660
Ila's like, "What is it?"
464
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,120
"There's another alcoholic dad here
looking for action."
465
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,164
[audience laughing]
466
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,999
"It's gonna be a long night, baby."
467
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:55,045
Dude in the back
just stands up quick, "550!"
468
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,257
Whole room does that. "Oh!"
469
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,843
Except for my daughter,
who punches me in the leg and goes,
470
00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:03,470
"Stand up and be a man."
471
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,847
[audience laughing]
472
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,891
"Tell him 600, Dad."
473
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,311
I said, "No, baby,
that's not how we're gonna play it."
474
00:21:12,854 --> 00:21:15,065
"Now's when we hit him
with the razzle dazzle."
475
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,567
[audience cheering]
476
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,070
She...
477
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:23,865
She goes, "What's that?"
I said, "You stand up, you say 600,
478
00:21:23,865 --> 00:21:26,326
then turn around and wink at him."
479
00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:27,577
[audience laughs]
480
00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:29,413
Now she's turned into a baby walrus.
481
00:21:29,413 --> 00:21:31,999
[groaning]
482
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:35,419
She goes, "I can do that?"
I go, "If you don't, you sleep outside."
483
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,421
[audience laughing]
484
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:42,134
This is what a thousand parents saw:
a fifth grader in the front row stand up.
485
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,136
In fairness,
I didn't know she was nervous.
486
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,930
I also didn't know
the kid couldn't fucking wink, okay?
487
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:49,016
[audience laughing]
488
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:51,768
[scoffs]
489
00:21:51,768 --> 00:21:53,395
Who the fuck can't wink?
490
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:55,230
[audience laughing]
491
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:58,400
She turns around trembling.
Finds her guy, goes,
492
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,527
"$600!"
493
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:02,821
And then proceeds to have a seizure...
494
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:04,197
[audience laughing]
495
00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:05,824
...trying to eke out a wink. Just...
496
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,410
[audience laughing]
497
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,880
Sits down, she goes, "How did I do, Dad?"
498
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,006
[audience laughs]
499
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,508
I go, "You just dropped a big dick
on that room."
500
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:24,885
[audience laughing]
501
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:28,013
Old boy in the back
is losing his fucking mind.
502
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:32,017
He stands up, he goes, "Baby girl, $700."
503
00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,686
I'm like, "Whoa, you coming
after my daughter, bro?"
504
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:36,146
[audience laughing]
505
00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:39,274
I stand up, stare him down, I go, "$800."
506
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:42,027
Ila stands up, "$900!"
507
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,653
[audience laughing]
508
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,906
[scattered applause and cheering]
509
00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:53,038
I'm like, "You're bidding against me,
you fucking moron."
510
00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:54,206
[audience laughing]
511
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:57,334
She's ear to ear,
"Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!"
512
00:22:57,334 --> 00:22:59,586
[audience laughing]
513
00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,422
We won that snow machine for $1,800.
514
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:04,383
[audience laughing and cheering]
515
00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:05,425
Yeah.
516
00:23:05,425 --> 00:23:07,260
[audience cheering and applauding]
517
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:08,178
Yeah.
518
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:10,180
[applause continues]
519
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,434
I got-- I got in trouble.
520
00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:15,936
[audience laughing]
521
00:23:15,936 --> 00:23:19,689
I did. My behavior was... questionable.
522
00:23:19,689 --> 00:23:21,149
[audience laughing]
523
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:22,317
I can't tell if it's...
524
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:25,987
I can't tell if it's me
or the fact that I live in L.A.
525
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:30,742
Like, I think if I lived here,
I'd be like a pretty normal dad.
526
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,245
[audience cheering and applauding]
527
00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:39,751
Dare I say progressive. [laughs]
528
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:41,628
[audience laughing]
529
00:23:43,630 --> 00:23:46,133
But in L.A., I'm a problem.
530
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,885
I'll-- I'm gonna--
Okay, I'm gonna tell you a story.
531
00:23:48,885 --> 00:23:51,513
But do not
insert your politics into it, okay?
532
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:54,057
Just listen to the story,
enjoy it for what it is.
533
00:23:55,892 --> 00:23:57,060
Okay.
534
00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,937
[audience laughing]
535
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:01,481
End of Ila's fifth grade year,
they throw a dance.
536
00:24:01,481 --> 00:24:04,609
They taught all the kids the foxtrot
in fifth grade, right?
537
00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:07,988
Parents sit in the auditorium
and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage,
538
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:11,491
go out, milk and cookies
8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom.
539
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,162
We show up at eight o'clock.
Kids aren't on stage.
540
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,581
Kids were in the auditorium.
Teachers off to the side.
541
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:19,958
She's crying. Parents are irate.
542
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:21,751
It's a shitshow.
543
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:25,589
Pull us outside as the parents.
Teacher addresses the parents.
544
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:27,382
"I..." [exhales]
545
00:24:27,382 --> 00:24:28,925
"All I can do is apologize."
546
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,012
"What I've done is horrific."
547
00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:36,349
"And if you'll allow me the opportunity
to keep my job, I will do better."
548
00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:38,894
In the back, I'm like,
"Someone fucked a kid."
549
00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:41,897
[audience laughing]
550
00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,816
I'm starting to loosen up
to go high-five a fifth grader.
551
00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:46,902
[audience laughing]
552
00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:52,491
And she says...
553
00:24:53,742 --> 00:24:56,661
"Two weeks ago,
in preparing for this dance,
554
00:24:56,661 --> 00:25:00,707
I assumed your children's gender,
and I paired them up boy, girl."
555
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:03,877
"Now, I understand
what an egregious error I have made,
556
00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:05,587
and if you give me an opportunity,
557
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:08,465
I will show you
I'm not the monster you think I am."
558
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,260
Now, hold on. I want to say this
real quick, just so we're clear.
559
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:16,556
I want every child in this world
560
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:20,602
to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time.
561
00:25:20,602 --> 00:25:23,313
I'll do what I can to make that happen,
that is how I feel.
562
00:25:23,313 --> 00:25:25,398
[audience cheering and applauding]
563
00:25:31,029 --> 00:25:33,615
- But it's fifth grade, right? Like...
- [audience laughs]
564
00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,618
It's 8:00 in the morning.
We're hungover. Let's wrap it up.
565
00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:38,161
[audience laughs, cheers]
566
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,331
I think we're done, right? Cool? Forgiven.
567
00:25:41,915 --> 00:25:42,832
First parent stands up.
568
00:25:42,832 --> 00:25:45,293
She goes, "My name is Jennifer.
Pronouns: she/her."
569
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,545
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
570
00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,213
[audience laughing]
571
00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:49,965
"This isn't gonna go well."
572
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:52,509
She goes...
573
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:57,472
"Our household are strong allies."
574
00:25:57,472 --> 00:25:59,891
"We have family members in the community,
575
00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:03,353
and I want you to know that I can hear
that apology, but it is shallow."
576
00:26:04,312 --> 00:26:05,981
"Actions speak louder than words,
577
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:08,900
so if you do keep your job,
you should do better."
578
00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:10,944
And she sits down.
579
00:26:10,944 --> 00:26:13,363
Now, I don't know if you know
how this works,
580
00:26:13,363 --> 00:26:16,116
but the next parent
has to out-liberal the first parent.
581
00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:17,367
[audience laughs]
582
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:20,328
You can't be like, "Eh,"
because then you look like Alex Jones.
583
00:26:20,328 --> 00:26:21,788
"Frogs are gay. Hoo!"
584
00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:24,207
[audience laughing]
585
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:27,294
And it goes around the horn.
They light this bitch up left and right.
586
00:26:27,294 --> 00:26:30,297
And the teacher, God bless her,
she's taking it on the chin
587
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,631
until it gets to me and LeeAnn.
588
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:34,259
I'm like, "I'll take this."
LeeAnn's like, "Please don't."
589
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:36,094
[audience laughing]
590
00:26:38,138 --> 00:26:41,182
I said, "Hi, my name's Bert.
I'm Ila's, uh, parent."
591
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:43,685
[audience laughing]
592
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,190
I said, "First off, it's fifth grade."
593
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:51,610
"No one's finger-fucking
in the back of a Jetta tonight."
594
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:52,944
[audience laughing]
595
00:26:52,944 --> 00:26:55,822
It's 8:30 in the morning.
Everyone's listening now, right?
596
00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:57,490
[audience laughing]
597
00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:00,035
I said, "As Ila's parent,
598
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:03,913
it goes without saying that I do not care
599
00:27:03,913 --> 00:27:07,917
if my child dances with a boy
or dances with a girl."
600
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:12,213
"I will do everything in my power
to love her and support her."
601
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:13,923
- [audience cheers]
- Yeah.
602
00:27:13,923 --> 00:27:16,009
[audience cheering and applauding]
603
00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:21,890
"As long as it's white." Now...
604
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,975
[audience laughing]
605
00:27:25,685 --> 00:27:28,021
How do you not go for the fucking joke?
606
00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:30,899
It's right there! It's right--
607
00:27:30,899 --> 00:27:33,568
It's 8:00 in the morning.
They didn't see it coming.
608
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:34,778
[audience laughing]
609
00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:38,239
The pronoun parents
lost their fucking shit.
610
00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:39,991
[screams]
611
00:27:40,992 --> 00:27:41,910
LeeAnn hops up.
612
00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:44,829
[in thick Southern accent]
"He's a comedian! He's a comedian!"
613
00:27:44,829 --> 00:27:46,164
[audience laughing]
614
00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:48,917
They're like, "Listen to her accent.
They're racist!"
615
00:27:49,417 --> 00:27:51,294
Dude, I'll tell you the worst one.
616
00:27:51,294 --> 00:27:56,049
The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time
went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle.
617
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:57,550
Tuesday night--
618
00:27:57,550 --> 00:27:59,803
On the way there, LeeAnn's in the car.
She's driving.
619
00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:02,389
She's like,
"Let's not get fucking wasted tonight."
620
00:28:02,389 --> 00:28:04,015
I'm like, "Too late!"
621
00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:05,141
[audience laughing]
622
00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:07,936
♪ I've been drinking in the shower ♪
623
00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,145
[audience laughing]
624
00:28:09,145 --> 00:28:12,315
It's a Tuesday night. I'm getting ripped.
Are you kidding me?
625
00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:15,360
Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket.
It's going down.
626
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,569
[audience laughing]
627
00:28:16,569 --> 00:28:18,655
I get there.
I've never been to a wine tasting.
628
00:28:18,655 --> 00:28:21,157
They don't give you, like, big goblets.
629
00:28:21,866 --> 00:28:23,410
They give you these baby cups,
630
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:25,912
like Michael Jackson's
about to eat our assholes.
631
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:27,997
[audience laughing]
632
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,002
I think that's how he did it.
I'm not sure.
633
00:28:33,002 --> 00:28:34,879
[audience laughing]
634
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:37,465
So I bail on the tasting.
Find the dads that party.
635
00:28:37,465 --> 00:28:40,635
Ten dads over by the stage.
They've already bought all their wine.
636
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:43,972
They've opened up the bottles
and drinking like it's Game of Thrones.
637
00:28:43,972 --> 00:28:44,889
[audience laughs]
638
00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:48,393
One dad's in an Austin 3:16 shirt.
I'm like, "That's my fucking table."
639
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:49,352
[audience laughs]
640
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:51,771
So I go over to them, chop it up.
641
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:55,150
Work my way to the raffle
towards the end of the night.
642
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:57,652
My buddy Darren's running the raffle.
I go, "Yo..."
643
00:28:58,653 --> 00:28:59,988
"What you got in the pot?"
644
00:29:00,864 --> 00:29:04,492
He's like, "I've only sold 40 tickets."
I said, "Oh, your prizes suck?"
645
00:29:05,076 --> 00:29:06,995
He goes, "No, I got 12 great prizes."
646
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:09,497
I said, "Bullshit.
Why is no one buying tickets?"
647
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,251
He goes, "The parents found out
that the money for this raffle
648
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,628
doesn't go to our school,
but an underprivileged school."
649
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:17,964
"They don't want to chip in
if their kids won't benefit."
650
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:21,843
"They'd rather spend money on wine."
I'm like, "Are you fucking serious?"
651
00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:24,637
He goes, "I guess." I said, "Okay."
652
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:29,726
"How many tickets do you want to sell?"
He's like, "Well, 700 is our goal."
653
00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:32,687
I said, "Cool, put me in for 660."
654
00:29:34,481 --> 00:29:37,650
He's like, "For real?"
I said, "Yeah, but close the raffle now."
655
00:29:37,650 --> 00:29:39,778
[audience laughing]
656
00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:45,200
He goes, "If I do,
you're gonna win a lot of the prizes."
657
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,494
I go, "Darren, I want to win all of them."
658
00:29:47,494 --> 00:29:49,245
[audience laughing]
659
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:56,002
He goes, "If you do that,
that'll upset some parents."
660
00:29:56,002 --> 00:29:58,296
I go,
"It would break my heart if it didn't."
661
00:29:58,296 --> 00:30:00,131
[audience laughing]
662
00:30:00,131 --> 00:30:02,592
I go, "You want to make
your money or not?"
663
00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:05,678
He goes, "I want to make that money."
I said, "Give me 660 tickets,
664
00:30:05,678 --> 00:30:09,224
close the raffle right now,
and do not tell a soul."
665
00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:11,017
[audience laughing]
666
00:30:11,017 --> 00:30:13,603
"What about LeeAnn?"
"Definitely don't tell her."
667
00:30:13,603 --> 00:30:14,938
[audience laughing]
668
00:30:14,938 --> 00:30:17,232
This man took me to the back of a wine bar
669
00:30:17,232 --> 00:30:19,859
and started a giggle
that lasted the entire evening
670
00:30:20,443 --> 00:30:22,695
as he peeled off...
671
00:30:22,695 --> 00:30:25,365
[audience laughing]
672
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:30,453
...six hundred and sixty tickets.
673
00:30:30,453 --> 00:30:31,996
When he handed them to me,
674
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:34,833
he was shaking like he was selling drugs
in ninth grade.
675
00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:36,960
[audience laughing]
676
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,379
I ripped off the first ticket
and the last ticket.
677
00:30:39,379 --> 00:30:42,590
I said, "Darren, anything in between,
you know I have."
678
00:30:42,590 --> 00:30:43,716
[audience laughs]
679
00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:48,012
I have never been more excited
680
00:30:48,012 --> 00:30:50,390
for any event in my life.
681
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,183
The birth of my children?
682
00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:54,894
- [blows raspberry]
- [audience laughing]
683
00:30:54,894 --> 00:30:58,606
I picked the table furthest from the stage
where they were calling the numbers
684
00:30:58,606 --> 00:31:00,525
and mapped out my parade route.
685
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:02,151
[audience laughing]
686
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:04,362
I had two tickets in my hand.
LeeAnn came over.
687
00:31:04,362 --> 00:31:06,447
"You bought raffle tickets?"
I go, "A couple."
688
00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:08,116
[audience laughing]
689
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:11,494
He called the first number.
I practically leapt out of my shoes.
690
00:31:11,494 --> 00:31:14,080
I was like, "Oh, that's me!"
691
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,248
[audience laughing]
692
00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:17,417
I bumped into every parent on the way.
693
00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:19,210
"Oh, I'm so sorry." [giggles]
694
00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:22,213
"No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I..."
695
00:31:22,922 --> 00:31:25,884
"There's 12 prizes,
and I won the first one!"
696
00:31:26,509 --> 00:31:29,387
"Bert Kreischer. Yes, that's my name.
I'm so sorry."
697
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:30,430
[audience laughs]
698
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,224
I get to the stage, grab my prize.
Ten drunk dads are there.
699
00:31:33,224 --> 00:31:37,145
They're like, "What did you win, Bert?"
I go, "It's a Fitbit." [giggles]
700
00:31:37,770 --> 00:31:40,106
"I'll be tracking my steps tonight, boys."
701
00:31:40,106 --> 00:31:42,191
[audience laughing]
702
00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:46,529
Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn.
I go, "Make some fucking room."
703
00:31:46,529 --> 00:31:48,823
[audience laughing]
704
00:31:48,823 --> 00:31:51,701
He calls out the next number.
I go, "Oh shit!"
705
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:52,952
[audience laughing]
706
00:31:52,952 --> 00:31:54,495
"That's me too!"
707
00:31:55,663 --> 00:31:58,416
I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked,
708
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,336
stands up on the foot of her stool
709
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,212
and announces to this wine bar,
710
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:07,467
[in thick Southern accent] "My husband
is the luckiest guy in the world!"
711
00:32:07,467 --> 00:32:08,801
[audience laughing]
712
00:32:08,801 --> 00:32:10,678
"Swear to God, I swear to God."
713
00:32:10,678 --> 00:32:13,806
"I wouldn't be shocked
if he won all 12 prizes."
714
00:32:13,806 --> 00:32:16,309
[audience laughing and applauding]
715
00:32:16,309 --> 00:32:19,687
I'm on stage now, like,
"From her mouth to God's ears."
716
00:32:19,687 --> 00:32:21,105
[audience laughing]
717
00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:23,524
Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like,
"What did you win?"
718
00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:25,401
"Don't know, don't fucking care."
719
00:32:25,401 --> 00:32:26,736
[audience laughing]
720
00:32:26,736 --> 00:32:29,697
Get back to the center, I go,
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."
721
00:32:29,697 --> 00:32:30,740
[audience laughs]
722
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:33,910
He calls it, I look at LeeAnn,
I go, "Bingo, bitch!"
723
00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:36,412
[audience laughing]
724
00:32:37,246 --> 00:32:39,332
The king is back!
725
00:32:39,332 --> 00:32:41,876
[audience cheering and applauding]
726
00:32:41,876 --> 00:32:43,378
[Bert laughs]
727
00:32:44,879 --> 00:32:46,881
[cheering and applause continues]
728
00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:51,094
Now I'm just staring at parents, going,
"What did I win, Darren?"
729
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:55,598
He is crying-laughing, and he goes,
"Diamond earrings."
730
00:32:55,598 --> 00:32:56,975
[audience laughing]
731
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,686
I go, "Well, pierce my ears
and call me Kaitlyn."
732
00:32:59,686 --> 00:33:01,980
[audience cheering and laughing]
733
00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:07,026
I'm on stage putting diamonds
in my high school holes...
734
00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:08,236
[audience laughing]
735
00:33:08,903 --> 00:33:11,406
...when I see the energy of the room shift.
736
00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:14,242
It's starting in the back
737
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,536
with a circle of people
around the principal,
738
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:19,497
who yells out, "Check his tickets!"
739
00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:22,834
I yell back, "Mind your own business!"
740
00:33:22,834 --> 00:33:24,293
[audience laughing]
741
00:33:24,293 --> 00:33:25,753
She does not like that.
742
00:33:26,462 --> 00:33:27,964
And now she storms the stage.
743
00:33:27,964 --> 00:33:31,384
"I see three prizes but only two tickets."
744
00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:33,302
"I want to see his tickets."
745
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:36,264
Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard
to do anything.
746
00:33:37,515 --> 00:33:40,601
And I watch the energy of the room halt.
747
00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:44,397
The dudes in the kitchen,
they're not cooking anymore.
748
00:33:45,148 --> 00:33:47,984
They're looking out
that little sliver of a window, just...
749
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:53,656
The bartender who was making a drink
audibly slows down, just...
750
00:33:53,656 --> 00:33:55,324
[imitates shaker slowing down]
751
00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:57,410
[audience laughing]
752
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:03,916
The ten drunk dads who trusted me
753
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:07,503
now are looking at me
like I let them down.
754
00:34:07,503 --> 00:34:08,963
[audience laughing]
755
00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:13,801
The way a child looks at his sports hero
and goes, "Say it ain't so, OJ."
756
00:34:13,801 --> 00:34:15,803
[audience laughing]
757
00:34:15,803 --> 00:34:17,805
[scattered applause]
758
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:25,855
I let that energy breathe...
759
00:34:29,358 --> 00:34:31,360
[audience laughing]
760
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,240
...as I reached into my pockets,
761
00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:41,412
grabbed onto 658 tickets
762
00:34:41,412 --> 00:34:43,706
like they were a hot rattlesnake,
763
00:34:43,706 --> 00:34:47,627
threw them in the air and went,
"Read 'em and weep, motherfuckers!"
764
00:34:47,627 --> 00:34:50,963
[audience laughing,
cheering, and applauding]
765
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,427
The room went fucking bananas.
766
00:34:56,427 --> 00:34:58,262
Ten drunk dads pounding on the table.
767
00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:00,181
"Let's fucking go!"
768
00:35:00,181 --> 00:35:01,140
[audience laughs]
769
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:02,934
The principal is livid.
770
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:04,936
I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing.
771
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:06,604
[audience laughing]
772
00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:09,524
Principal sees this,
makes a beeline to my wife,
773
00:35:09,524 --> 00:35:13,945
gets in her face and goes,
"You need to make him stop right now."
774
00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:14,987
[audience laughs]
775
00:35:14,987 --> 00:35:18,324
My wife doesn't even miss a beat.
Takes a breath and goes... [inhales]
776
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:20,201
"Sugar, he hasn't even started."
777
00:35:20,201 --> 00:35:21,494
[audience laughing]
778
00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:23,746
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- Oh.
779
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:33,422
"Honey, honey, there's nine more prizes
and his shirt's still on."
780
00:35:33,422 --> 00:35:34,924
"It's gonna get way worse."
781
00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:36,759
[audience laughs and cheers]
782
00:35:36,759 --> 00:35:39,971
Then my wife kills her glass of red wine,
looks at the stage and goes...
783
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:42,431
[in Southern accent]
"Call the next fucking number, Darren."
784
00:35:42,431 --> 00:35:43,766
[audience laughing]
785
00:35:46,269 --> 00:35:48,938
Prize number four, my shirt came off.
786
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:50,565
[audience laughs and cheers]
787
00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:53,067
Prize number five,
Steve Austin's shirt came off.
788
00:35:53,067 --> 00:35:54,443
[audience laughing]
789
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:56,988
Prize number six,
a mom unwittingly in the back
790
00:35:56,988 --> 00:36:00,491
said just a little too loud,
"Who the fuck is this guy?"
791
00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:01,450
[audience laughs]
792
00:36:01,450 --> 00:36:05,788
To which the bartender replied,
"He's the fucking machine!"
793
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:08,332
- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [Bert laughs]
794
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:16,048
[Bert laughing]
795
00:36:16,048 --> 00:36:18,301
[cheering and applause continues]
796
00:36:26,350 --> 00:36:28,769
By prize 11, the room was polarized.
797
00:36:28,769 --> 00:36:30,897
[audience laughing]
798
00:36:30,897 --> 00:36:33,733
You either absolutely loved
what was going on,
799
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:36,777
like the ten drunk dads and the bartender...
800
00:36:36,777 --> 00:36:38,446
[audience laughing]
801
00:36:38,446 --> 00:36:39,488
...or you hated it.
802
00:36:39,488 --> 00:36:41,115
And if you hated it,
803
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:44,827
you were now surrounding the stage
protesting the raffle.
804
00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:47,121
[audience laughing]
805
00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:48,998
These Capitol stormers...
806
00:36:48,998 --> 00:36:51,417
[audience laughing]
807
00:36:51,417 --> 00:36:52,460
[audience cheers]
808
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:56,756
...were unhappy
with the outcome of their day,
809
00:36:57,423 --> 00:36:58,382
and took it upon--
810
00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:00,343
Look, when he called prize 12,
811
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:01,677
I knew what I had to do.
812
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:04,847
I had to hit him with the "suck it."
Just... [grunts]
813
00:37:04,847 --> 00:37:06,265
[man in audience] Suck it!
814
00:37:06,265 --> 00:37:08,643
Twenty of them, just around the horns.
815
00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:11,312
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!
816
00:37:11,312 --> 00:37:14,023
Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!
Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!
817
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:15,566
[audience laughing]
818
00:37:15,566 --> 00:37:17,526
I was ready. It was my job.
819
00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:20,988
And as he called the number,
I go to hit the first "Suck it"
820
00:37:20,988 --> 00:37:22,949
and realize I don't have that ticket.
821
00:37:22,949 --> 00:37:24,158
[audience laughing]
822
00:37:24,158 --> 00:37:26,077
Oh, you think you were upset?
823
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:29,789
Ten drunks dads are pounding
on the table going, "Recount! Recount!"
824
00:37:29,789 --> 00:37:31,374
[audience laughing]
825
00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:35,711
The people that hated me
were mocking me at the top of their lungs.
826
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:38,297
They're like,
"That's what you get, fat boy!"
827
00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:42,635
"Put your shirt on, loser!
You're a loser!"
828
00:37:42,635 --> 00:37:45,471
They were so loud, I could barely hear
my wife in the back go,
829
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,223
"Oh, that's me!"
830
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:49,809
[audience laughing,
cheering, and applauding]
831
00:37:56,482 --> 00:37:58,526
We won all 12 prizes.
832
00:37:58,526 --> 00:38:00,861
[audience laughing and cheering]
833
00:38:00,861 --> 00:38:05,032
And then I spent the rest of the night
drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced...
834
00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,784
[audience laughing]
835
00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:09,370
...holding 11 prizes,
walking up to parents, going,
836
00:38:09,370 --> 00:38:10,663
"What did you guys win?"
837
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,206
[audience laughing]
838
00:38:12,206 --> 00:38:14,375
"Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot."
839
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:16,043
[audience laughing]
840
00:38:16,043 --> 00:38:18,421
The best part of that story,
in my opinion,
841
00:38:18,421 --> 00:38:20,381
is that LeeAnn got it.
842
00:38:20,381 --> 00:38:23,676
That she got the--
She doesn't always get the joke, you know?
843
00:38:24,510 --> 00:38:25,845
Like, some things just...
844
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,558
[audience laughing]
845
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:33,352
January 2020.
846
00:38:35,187 --> 00:38:38,232
I'm on a flight with my wife
to Burlington, Vermont.
847
00:38:38,941 --> 00:38:41,193
We get a text from my buddy, Tom Segura.
848
00:38:41,193 --> 00:38:43,070
Now... yes, yeah.
849
00:38:43,070 --> 00:38:45,906
[audience cheering]
850
00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:47,700
If you do not know who that is,
851
00:38:47,700 --> 00:38:51,912
he's a stand-up comedian
who cannot do... that.
852
00:38:51,912 --> 00:38:53,414
- So...
- [audience laughing]
853
00:38:53,414 --> 00:38:55,082
That simple act.
854
00:38:55,082 --> 00:38:56,208
[audience cheering]
855
00:38:56,208 --> 00:38:59,837
That little act
will make this leg explode.
856
00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:00,796
[audience laughs]
857
00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:04,050
And this arm will break in half right here
and spin in circles.
858
00:39:04,633 --> 00:39:05,760
Crazy. Crazy.
859
00:39:07,303 --> 00:39:10,639
- Big racist. Now he said--
- [audience laughing]
860
00:39:10,639 --> 00:39:11,932
Yeah, yeah.
861
00:39:11,932 --> 00:39:14,060
Big fan of Nazis. Anyway...
862
00:39:14,894 --> 00:39:17,772
Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text,
a group text, and it says,
863
00:39:17,772 --> 00:39:19,607
"Hey, I don't know if you guys have heard
864
00:39:19,607 --> 00:39:21,942
about this new virus
called the coronavirus,
865
00:39:21,942 --> 00:39:25,738
but it's a real thing, and I just read
an article in the L.A. Times."
866
00:39:25,738 --> 00:39:27,990
"There's been an outbreak
in your neighborhood."
867
00:39:27,990 --> 00:39:30,910
"Here's a link to the article.
You might want to check it out."
868
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:32,661
This is January 2020.
869
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:35,581
I'm in a panic. I have heard of it,
but in our neighborhood?
870
00:39:35,581 --> 00:39:37,291
So I clicked the link.
871
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,960
I don't know if you got this.
872
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,088
[audience laughing]
873
00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:43,589
But it wasn't an article.
874
00:39:43,589 --> 00:39:45,508
[audience laughing]
875
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:47,593
[audience cheering and applauding]
876
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:54,975
It was a picture of a Black man...
877
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:56,394
[audience laughing]
878
00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:58,896
...naked on the side of a bed, just...
879
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:02,316
[audience laughing and applauding]
880
00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:04,402
[audience cheering and applauding]
881
00:40:10,699 --> 00:40:13,702
I open the link, see the picture, I laugh.
It's funny, right?
882
00:40:13,702 --> 00:40:14,787
[audience laughs]
883
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:17,873
I finish my double Jack on the rocks,
lots of rocks.
884
00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:18,999
[audience laughs]
885
00:40:18,999 --> 00:40:21,001
I pass out.
I wake up in Burlington, Vermont
886
00:40:21,001 --> 00:40:22,503
to my wife in a tizzy.
887
00:40:24,004 --> 00:40:27,049
We're on the tarmac and she goes,
"Did you get that text from Tommy?"
888
00:40:27,049 --> 00:40:28,217
[audience laughs]
889
00:40:28,217 --> 00:40:29,552
I said, "Yeah, I did."
890
00:40:29,552 --> 00:40:30,511
[audience laughs]
891
00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:32,763
She goes, "Fucking terrifying."
892
00:40:32,763 --> 00:40:34,557
[audience laughing]
893
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:44,066
I said, "I wouldn't say that.
I think that's racist."
894
00:40:44,066 --> 00:40:45,192
[audience laughing]
895
00:40:45,192 --> 00:40:47,611
I mean, it's more than I could fit,
but yeah.
896
00:40:47,611 --> 00:40:48,779
[audience laughing]
897
00:40:48,779 --> 00:40:51,198
She goes, "No, it's in our neighborhood."
898
00:40:51,198 --> 00:40:52,992
[audience laughing]
899
00:40:56,370 --> 00:40:57,955
I go, "Did you click the link?"
900
00:40:58,581 --> 00:41:00,207
She goes, "No, I didn't have time."
901
00:41:00,207 --> 00:41:02,501
"Flight attendant
made me put my phone away."
902
00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:05,588
I said, "You have to click the link."
903
00:41:05,588 --> 00:41:07,131
[audience laughing]
904
00:41:07,131 --> 00:41:09,884
She goes, "Is it bad?"
I said, "Worse than you think."
905
00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:11,969
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert laughing]
906
00:41:12,553 --> 00:41:16,223
And I watched this woman click that link.
907
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:19,935
And the picture of that man...
His name's Wood, fittingly.
908
00:41:19,935 --> 00:41:21,395
[audience laughs]
909
00:41:21,395 --> 00:41:23,981
...comes up, and I watch her
just see it, and she goes,
910
00:41:23,981 --> 00:41:26,984
"Oh no!" And swipes out.
911
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,320
My wife doesn't like
looking at big cocks. So...
912
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:30,613
[audience laughing]
913
00:41:30,613 --> 00:41:31,739
Thankfully.
914
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:34,325
She looks at me, confused.
Now, I'm just chuckling.
915
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,911
[audience laughing]
916
00:41:36,911 --> 00:41:38,537
She clicks the link again.
917
00:41:38,537 --> 00:41:40,039
[audience laughing]
918
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:41,916
Must have been user error, right?
919
00:41:41,916 --> 00:41:43,042
[audience laughing]
920
00:41:43,042 --> 00:41:47,880
Same picture shows up, only this time
I watch her attempt to scroll...
921
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:48,923
[audience laughing]
922
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:53,344
...as if she's gonna find an article
attached to that picture.
923
00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:55,429
[audience laughing]
924
00:41:55,429 --> 00:41:57,556
Finds no such article. Swipes out.
925
00:41:57,556 --> 00:41:59,850
Clicks the link a third fucking time.
926
00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:02,353
- [audience laughing]
- I am now crying-laughing.
927
00:42:02,978 --> 00:42:05,648
And she goes, "I don't know
what's so funny. My phone's broken."
928
00:42:05,648 --> 00:42:07,733
[audience laughing]
929
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,610
I said, "It's a joke."
930
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:13,572
She goes, "What?"
I said, "What do you mean, 'What'?"
931
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:15,032
"It's a picture."
932
00:42:15,032 --> 00:42:17,785
"You thought you'd read an article,
now you're looking at this cock."
933
00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:19,787
- "It's a joke."
- [audience laughing]
934
00:42:19,787 --> 00:42:21,497
She goes, "That's not funny."
935
00:42:21,497 --> 00:42:22,957
[audience laughing]
936
00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:24,291
I said, "I disagree."
937
00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:25,668
[audience laughing]
938
00:42:25,668 --> 00:42:28,837
I watched you open it three times.
It got funnier and funnier.
939
00:42:28,837 --> 00:42:30,548
[audience laughing]
940
00:42:31,298 --> 00:42:34,468
Her face goes white and she goes,
"No, that's not funny."
941
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:37,429
"I sent that to all the moms
at Georgia's school."
942
00:42:37,429 --> 00:42:39,515
[audience laughing]
943
00:42:45,521 --> 00:42:49,149
I go, "You're right, that's not funny.
That's fucking epic!"
944
00:42:49,149 --> 00:42:50,859
[audience laughing]
945
00:42:50,859 --> 00:42:53,404
[audience cheering and applauding]
946
00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:56,282
I grab her phone
and read the replies from the moms.
947
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:58,200
The best were the cool moms
who were like,
948
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,035
"I hope that doesn't hit my house."
949
00:43:00,035 --> 00:43:02,204
[audience laughing]
950
00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:05,165
One mom was like,
"My ninth grader is not ready for that."
951
00:43:05,165 --> 00:43:06,417
[audience laughs]
952
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:09,878
Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back,
"Are you sure that's the coronavirus?"
953
00:43:09,878 --> 00:43:11,589
"I think I had that in college."
954
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:13,674
[audience laughing]
955
00:43:15,759 --> 00:43:19,221
And then she goes even paler
and she goes, "I sent that to our girls."
956
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,765
[audience laughing]
957
00:43:21,765 --> 00:43:25,019
I called Georgia, I go, "George,
Mom sent you a link to an article."
958
00:43:25,019 --> 00:43:27,688
"Did you see it?"
She goes, "Dad, I can't unsee it."
959
00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:30,149
[audience laughing]
960
00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:33,402
"I was at softball practice.
I opened it in front of the coach."
961
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:35,029
[audience laughing]
962
00:43:36,363 --> 00:43:38,032
I was like, "What did Coach say?"
963
00:43:38,032 --> 00:43:38,991
[audience laughs]
964
00:43:38,991 --> 00:43:41,827
"Coach said we need to get one
for batting practice." [laughs]
965
00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:44,330
[audience laughing]
966
00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:46,624
I go, "What about your sister?"
She throws Ila the phone.
967
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:48,751
I go, "Ila, Mom sent you a link.
Did you see it?"
968
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:50,127
She goes, "I did."
969
00:43:50,127 --> 00:43:51,462
[audience laughing]
970
00:43:51,462 --> 00:43:54,632
I said, "What did you think?"
She goes, "Interesting article."
971
00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,717
[audience laughing]
972
00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,181
My daughters have
the most fucked-up sense of humor.
973
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:03,974
[audience laughing]
974
00:44:03,974 --> 00:44:06,977
For Georgia's birthday one year,
she gets a psychic.
975
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:10,356
She's gonna tell her and all her friends
about their past lives, right?
976
00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:13,108
The lady comes to the house.
She's 100 years old.
977
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:16,070
Sits down across from Georgia
and her friends.
978
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,404
Ila and I are at the end.
979
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:21,617
She goes, "Okay, who's the birthday girl?"
980
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,995
Ila hits me and goes,
"One hell of a psychic, Dad."
981
00:44:24,995 --> 00:44:27,748
- [Bert laughing]
- [audience laughing]
982
00:44:27,748 --> 00:44:28,666
[Bert snorts]
983
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,377
Georgia's like, "I am, I am!"
984
00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:33,837
She puts her palm out
and the lady goes, "Okay..."
985
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:39,551
"In a past life,
you were a general in a great war."
986
00:44:41,512 --> 00:44:45,349
"You were responsible
for the death of 257 men."
987
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:50,437
"Those men's souls will haunt you
until the day you die."
988
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:52,856
Ila's next to me. She just goes...
989
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:57,403
Happy birthday to you ♪
990
00:44:57,403 --> 00:44:59,655
- [Bert laughing]
- [audience laughing]
991
00:45:00,572 --> 00:45:02,825
The best one,
from one of Georgia's birthdays.
992
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:04,827
Both the girls pull me aside, "Hey, Dad."
993
00:45:04,827 --> 00:45:08,122
"We want to go to an escape room."
I'm like, "Both you geniuses?"
994
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:09,498
[audience laughing]
995
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:13,460
"You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points
together and see what happens in a room?"
996
00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:15,879
Shut the fuck up! [laughs]
997
00:45:15,879 --> 00:45:17,464
They're like, "We want you to go too."
998
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:19,925
I go, "You want to add
drugs and alcohol? Okay."
999
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:21,802
- [audience laughing]
- "Good call."
1000
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:23,887
They go, "No, you and Papa."
1001
00:45:23,887 --> 00:45:26,056
I go, "I'm gonna stop you right there."
1002
00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:27,766
[audience laughs]
1003
00:45:27,766 --> 00:45:31,478
"Uh, me and my dad
don't work well together as a team."
1004
00:45:32,146 --> 00:45:35,983
"Okay, ladies? It's not gonna end well.
It's gonna end horrifically."
1005
00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:39,945
And they both are looking at me,
and they go, "Yeah, we know."
1006
00:45:39,945 --> 00:45:41,280
[audience laughing]
1007
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,283
I said, "What?" Georgia goes,
"That's what I want for my birthday."
1008
00:45:44,283 --> 00:45:45,868
[audience laughing]
1009
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:49,913
"I want to see Papa lose his shit
and you have a panic attack."
1010
00:45:49,913 --> 00:45:51,999
[audience laughing]
1011
00:45:56,462 --> 00:45:58,714
I was like,
"All right, he's cheap. I'll call him."
1012
00:45:58,714 --> 00:45:59,882
[audience laughing]
1013
00:45:59,882 --> 00:46:02,342
So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old.
1014
00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:04,219
Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing.
1015
00:46:04,219 --> 00:46:06,472
I go, "Hey, Dad.
When you guys are out in L.A.,
1016
00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:09,475
the girls want to go to an escape room."
He goes, "Rape room?"
1017
00:46:09,475 --> 00:46:10,934
[audience laughing]
1018
00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:13,103
I go, "Yeah, Dad, that's what they want."
1019
00:46:13,103 --> 00:46:15,522
[audience laughing]
1020
00:46:15,522 --> 00:46:17,858
"They want to go get raped together.
All of us."
1021
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:18,817
[audience laughs]
1022
00:46:18,817 --> 00:46:23,197
"And then after we've all been raped,
we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory."
1023
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:24,406
[audience laughing]
1024
00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:26,283
I go, "No, Dad, an escape room."
1025
00:46:27,367 --> 00:46:30,329
And he goes, "Escape room?
What the fuck's an escape room?"
1026
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:33,582
And I hear my mom in their kitchen,
going, "Yes! We're going!"
1027
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:36,043
"I saw about this on the internet.
We're going!"
1028
00:46:36,043 --> 00:46:38,587
"I've always wondered
how I'd fare in a kidnapping."
1029
00:46:38,587 --> 00:46:40,714
[audience laughing]
1030
00:46:40,714 --> 00:46:43,008
My dad's like,
"Pump your brakes. We're not going."
1031
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:44,802
"What the fuck is an escape room?"
1032
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:47,805
And my mom's like,
"They grab you, they throw you in a van."
1033
00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,765
I'm like, "Don't listen to Mom, Dad."
1034
00:46:49,765 --> 00:46:51,391
[audience laughing]
1035
00:46:51,391 --> 00:46:55,145
I go, "Dad, it's a room
where we pay these kids 200 bucks."
1036
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:58,607
"They lock us in the room,
and we gotta figure out how to get out."
1037
00:46:58,607 --> 00:47:01,652
And he's quiet on the phone
for a second, then he goes,
1038
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:04,154
"Give me 50 bucks.
I'll lock your kids in a car."
1039
00:47:04,154 --> 00:47:06,240
- [audience laughing]
- [Bert chuckles]
1040
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:11,912
My mom snatches the phone away and goes,
"Tell my granddaughters we're going."
1041
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:13,580
"They can count on us."
1042
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:16,500
"Are we supposed to wear leather?"
I'm like, "Easy, Mom."
1043
00:47:16,500 --> 00:47:17,960
[audience laughing]
1044
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:21,713
So we go.
Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters.
1045
00:47:21,713 --> 00:47:25,175
We all go.
Now, here's where it starts to veer wrong.
1046
00:47:27,511 --> 00:47:29,555
As we start driving,
you know how escape rooms
1047
00:47:29,555 --> 00:47:31,598
normally happen in, like, a mall?
1048
00:47:33,392 --> 00:47:35,060
This was in a dude's house.
1049
00:47:35,060 --> 00:47:36,812
[audience laughing]
1050
00:47:36,812 --> 00:47:39,940
He had converted every room in his house
into an escape room,
1051
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,817
much like John Wayne Gacy.
1052
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:43,944
[audience laughing]
1053
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:47,197
We pull into the neighborhood.
My dad's like, "No fucking way."
1054
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:48,407
[audience laughing]
1055
00:47:48,407 --> 00:47:50,576
Georgia's like,
"Pop, I heard it's really scary."
1056
00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:52,911
He goes,
"I'm shitting my pants now, ladies."
1057
00:47:52,911 --> 00:47:55,873
We see a house painted all black,
no landscaping.
1058
00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:59,710
LeeAnn's like, "I think that's it."
My dad's like, "Keep fucking going."
1059
00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:00,919
[audience laughing]
1060
00:48:00,919 --> 00:48:03,672
Get out, go up to the door,
knock on the door.
1061
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,340
Dude's already in character.
1062
00:48:06,049 --> 00:48:07,009
Oh.
1063
00:48:07,759 --> 00:48:09,845
Dude, it's L.A. This guy's good.
1064
00:48:09,845 --> 00:48:14,099
Silk robe, towel around his head,
stroking a kitty cat.
1065
00:48:14,099 --> 00:48:15,225
And he just goes...
1066
00:48:21,273 --> 00:48:22,733
"Have you seen my mother?"
1067
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:26,653
My dad grabs my hand, he goes,
"What the fuck did he just say?"
1068
00:48:26,653 --> 00:48:27,821
[audience laughing]
1069
00:48:27,821 --> 00:48:29,615
I go, "He's looking for his mother."
1070
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:31,783
He goes, "Tell him his mother
can suck my dick."
1071
00:48:31,783 --> 00:48:33,076
[audience laughing]
1072
00:48:33,076 --> 00:48:35,287
My dad's like, "Is this real?
Is this real?"
1073
00:48:35,871 --> 00:48:37,956
I go, "It's part of the escape room.
Play along."
1074
00:48:37,956 --> 00:48:40,626
He goes, "Would you like to see
a tour of my house?"
1075
00:48:40,626 --> 00:48:43,086
And my mom's,
"Yes, we would love to see a tour."
1076
00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:47,299
"What's your mom's name? How old is she?
Where'd she go to college? Take notes."
1077
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,302
So we go on a tour of the house.
The women are into it.
1078
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:53,847
And my dad
is picking this guy apart left and right.
1079
00:48:53,847 --> 00:48:56,016
He's like... [sniffs]
"He smells like shit."
1080
00:48:56,016 --> 00:48:57,476
[audience laughing]
1081
00:48:57,476 --> 00:49:00,687
"Buddy, I think he fucking lives here.
I think he lives--"
1082
00:49:00,687 --> 00:49:04,399
"What kind of fucking lunatic
lives where every room is an--"
1083
00:49:04,399 --> 00:49:06,610
"He was just eating lunch."
1084
00:49:08,737 --> 00:49:11,990
"He's eating mac and cheese with coffee.
Who the fuck drinks coffee..."
1085
00:49:12,866 --> 00:49:16,203
"Black coffee with mac and cheese?
He's got IBS, I guarantee you."
1086
00:49:16,203 --> 00:49:17,245
[audience laughing]
1087
00:49:17,245 --> 00:49:20,499
I'm like, "I don't think
these are helpful clues, Dad." [laughs]
1088
00:49:21,083 --> 00:49:23,126
The guy comes in.
"Like to see Mother's room?"
1089
00:49:23,126 --> 00:49:25,087
My dad goes,
"Absolutely fucking not."
1090
00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:26,004
[audience laughs]
1091
00:49:26,004 --> 00:49:27,631
My mom's like,
"Yes, we want to see."
1092
00:49:27,631 --> 00:49:30,634
He's like, "Mother doesn't allow
car keys, cell phones, or wallets,
1093
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,679
so empty your pockets
and put them on the kitchen table."
1094
00:49:33,679 --> 00:49:35,973
And like sheep, we're like, "Okay."
1095
00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:37,641
[audience laughing]
1096
00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:39,101
We empty our pockets.
1097
00:49:40,185 --> 00:49:41,603
Walk into the room.
1098
00:49:41,603 --> 00:49:46,274
And the second I step into the room,
I feel the door shut and lock behind me.
1099
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:48,860
And I have a panic attack.
1100
00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:50,946
[audience laughing]
1101
00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:53,407
The first thing I think is,
1102
00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,702
he didn't ask our names.
1103
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:58,787
[audience laughing]
1104
00:49:59,871 --> 00:50:01,748
We didn't give him a credit card.
1105
00:50:01,748 --> 00:50:03,709
[audience laughing]
1106
00:50:03,709 --> 00:50:05,252
We didn't fill out a waiver.
1107
00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:06,753
[audience laughing]
1108
00:50:06,753 --> 00:50:09,047
We didn't even really check the address.
1109
00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:10,882
[audience laughing]
1110
00:50:10,882 --> 00:50:13,885
We just saw one sketchy house
in a neighborhood,
1111
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:17,222
knocked on the door,
he presented a problem,
1112
00:50:17,222 --> 00:50:19,975
and we're like,
"The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out."
1113
00:50:19,975 --> 00:50:21,268
[audience laughing]
1114
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:23,186
Now we're locked in this fucking house.
1115
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:27,274
My dad's next to me going, "Tell me
where I steer wrong in this story."
1116
00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:28,233
[audience laughs]
1117
00:50:28,233 --> 00:50:31,695
"Did you just walk your family
into a serial killer's house?"
1118
00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:32,738
[audience laughs]
1119
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:36,742
Georgia goes, "Papa, isn't this scary?"
He goes, "You have no fucking idea."
1120
00:50:36,742 --> 00:50:38,368
[audience laughing]
1121
00:50:38,368 --> 00:50:41,413
"You two are getting sold
to the goddamn Albanians tonight."
1122
00:50:41,413 --> 00:50:42,581
[audience laughing]
1123
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:45,459
"You'll be working in a Chechen whorehouse
the rest of your lives."
1124
00:50:45,459 --> 00:50:47,586
Ila's like,
"Papa, how do we get out of here?"
1125
00:50:47,586 --> 00:50:50,172
He goes,
"I think I have to suck that guy's dick."
1126
00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:51,631
[audience laughing]
1127
00:50:51,631 --> 00:50:54,718
"Someone's sucking his dick.
I nominate your shithead dad."
1128
00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:55,886
[audience laughing]
1129
00:50:55,886 --> 00:50:58,472
My mom's in the corner,
"You think he's gonna tie us up?"
1130
00:50:58,472 --> 00:51:00,682
My dad's like, "Shut the fuck up, Maggie!"
1131
00:51:00,682 --> 00:51:01,641
[audience laughs]
1132
00:51:01,641 --> 00:51:05,020
"Your shithead son just walked us
into a serial killer's house
1133
00:51:05,771 --> 00:51:06,813
who smells like shit."
1134
00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:08,523
"Did anyone smell this guy?"
1135
00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:12,110
"Maybe it's because he eats mac and cheese
and coffee all fucking day."
1136
00:51:12,110 --> 00:51:14,488
Guy's like, "Sir, I can hear you."
1137
00:51:14,488 --> 00:51:15,989
[audience laughing]
1138
00:51:15,989 --> 00:51:18,784
Now I'm having
a full-blown anxiety attack,
1139
00:51:18,784 --> 00:51:23,371
and for me, they happen in my stomach,
and I have to shit immediately.
1140
00:51:23,371 --> 00:51:24,748
[audience laughing]
1141
00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,501
I'm looking around the room for a vase
or something to shit in.
1142
00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:28,460
[audience laughs]
1143
00:51:28,460 --> 00:51:31,922
My dad knows me way too well.
He goes, "Oh fucking no, you don't!"
1144
00:51:31,922 --> 00:51:35,300
"It's tennis camp all over again.
He's gonna shit in the houseplant."
1145
00:51:35,801 --> 00:51:39,262
"Goddamn it, this fucking shithead
walks us into a serial killer's house,
1146
00:51:39,262 --> 00:51:41,473
and now he's gonna shit
in his mom's room?"
1147
00:51:41,473 --> 00:51:42,516
[audience laughing]
1148
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:45,060
My daughters are skipping,
they're so excited.
1149
00:51:45,060 --> 00:51:46,019
[audience laughs]
1150
00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:50,440
My wife is a fucking savage.
She saw four clues by herself.
1151
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,818
[audience laughing]
1152
00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:55,737
Pulls a lever under the desk.
House lights drop out.
1153
00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:58,698
We hear two screams and a thud.
1154
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:00,408
Lights click back on.
1155
00:52:00,408 --> 00:52:03,578
I'm holding both my daughters
like a human shield.
1156
00:52:03,578 --> 00:52:05,122
[audience laughing]
1157
00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:07,833
My mother's on the floor
in a steamer trunk.
1158
00:52:07,833 --> 00:52:10,043
"Your father threw me into the wall!"
1159
00:52:10,043 --> 00:52:11,294
[audience laughing]
1160
00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:14,089
My dad's like,
"Fuck her, she's a liar. She tripped."
1161
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:15,298
[audience laughing]
1162
00:52:15,298 --> 00:52:18,009
Guy's like, "I saw it.
He threw her into the wall."
1163
00:52:18,009 --> 00:52:19,261
[audience laughing]
1164
00:52:19,261 --> 00:52:22,889
LeeAnn solves two more clues
and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall,
1165
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:25,809
exposing a crawl space
two feet tall by three feet wide,
1166
00:52:25,809 --> 00:52:28,478
down the length of the wall
into another room.
1167
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:30,480
My mom sticks her head in.
1168
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:31,523
Pops out and goes...
1169
00:52:31,523 --> 00:52:32,983
[gasps, chuckles]
1170
00:52:34,568 --> 00:52:36,570
"I think we should all get in the wall."
1171
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:38,321
[audience laughing]
1172
00:52:38,321 --> 00:52:40,157
My dad's like, "You first."
1173
00:52:40,157 --> 00:52:41,616
[audience laughing]
1174
00:52:41,616 --> 00:52:44,661
She gets in the wall,
he goes, "Fuck her, she's dead to us."
1175
00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:45,954
[audience laughing]
1176
00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:47,956
"Good riddance. We didn't need her."
1177
00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:51,918
LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes,
"There goes the brains of the operation!"
1178
00:52:52,419 --> 00:52:55,297
"I'm stuck with you three shitheads.
Get in the fucking wall."
1179
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:59,926
I go, "I'm not getting in the wall, Dad."
Georgia goes, "Make Dad get in the wall."
1180
00:53:00,552 --> 00:53:02,220
I go, "Georgia, I'm claustrophobic."
1181
00:53:02,220 --> 00:53:04,931
Ila's like, "What's Christmas
have to do with this, Dad?"
1182
00:53:04,931 --> 00:53:06,808
"Shut the fuck up, Ila!"
1183
00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:09,477
[audience laughing]
1184
00:53:10,395 --> 00:53:12,731
My dad's like,
"Buddy, I got bad news for you."
1185
00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:15,150
"You're getting in that fucking wall."
1186
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:16,109
[audience laughs]
1187
00:53:16,109 --> 00:53:19,362
He goes, "Girls, you get in first.
Big guy, I will be behind you."
1188
00:53:19,362 --> 00:53:22,157
"You close your eyes. Listen to my voice."
1189
00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:24,910
"I'll coach you through the wall,
and trust me,
1190
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:28,955
if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass
through that fucking wall."
1191
00:53:28,955 --> 00:53:29,998
[audience laughing]
1192
00:53:29,998 --> 00:53:31,625
"Now, let's fucking go."
1193
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:36,087
And we get in the wall.
My daughters, me, my dad.
1194
00:53:36,630 --> 00:53:39,716
I listened to his voice,
like when I was a kid and played baseball.
1195
00:53:39,716 --> 00:53:41,009
"We got this, big guy."
1196
00:53:41,593 --> 00:53:42,677
"We can do anything."
1197
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:46,598
"Listen to my voice. We can do this.
Me and you. Big team."
1198
00:53:47,182 --> 00:53:48,266
Now...
1199
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:50,477
[audience laughing]
1200
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:53,230
...I don't know if it was...
1201
00:53:54,272 --> 00:53:56,566
the angle of my body...
1202
00:53:56,566 --> 00:53:58,652
[audience laughing]
1203
00:54:04,616 --> 00:54:05,867
...the anxiety...
1204
00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,829
that was resting in my stomach...
1205
00:54:10,580 --> 00:54:14,167
or shimmying on all fours...
1206
00:54:14,167 --> 00:54:16,378
[audience laughing]
1207
00:54:16,378 --> 00:54:19,589
...but I let out a novel virus fart, like...
1208
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:21,132
[audience laughing]
1209
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,344
The kind that come out of your ass
like hot breath, just...
1210
00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:27,722
- [moans]
- [audience laughing]
1211
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:31,142
The kind of farts that escape your body
1212
00:54:31,142 --> 00:54:33,436
like a curse out
of a mummy's sarcophagus, just...
1213
00:54:33,436 --> 00:54:36,189
- [hissing]
- [audience laughing]
1214
00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:42,028
The kind of farts that burn your asshole.
Just the fart, the air burns your asshole.
1215
00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:45,865
And you think to yourself, "That was air.
I'm gonna be shitting blood later."
1216
00:54:45,865 --> 00:54:47,951
[audience laughing]
1217
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:51,705
And I release it into my father's mouth
human centipede-style.
1218
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:53,498
[audience laughing]
1219
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:59,587
He goes from coach to cunt real quick.
Just, "We got this, big guy!"
1220
00:54:59,587 --> 00:55:01,131
"We can... We can..."
1221
00:55:01,631 --> 00:55:03,174
- [groans]
- [audience laughing]
1222
00:55:03,174 --> 00:55:04,384
"Oh fuck, keep going."
1223
00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:05,719
[groans]
1224
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:07,637
"We can do any-- [groans]
What the fuck?!"
1225
00:55:08,305 --> 00:55:10,557
"I think we rolled up
on a dead animal." [groans]
1226
00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:11,933
[audience laughing]
1227
00:55:11,933 --> 00:55:13,351
"I think it's asbestos."
1228
00:55:13,893 --> 00:55:16,521
[groans] "It's burning my eyes!
Keep moving."
1229
00:55:16,521 --> 00:55:17,731
[groans]
1230
00:55:18,398 --> 00:55:20,942
"I feel like I'm in the tunnel
from Shawshank Redemption."
1231
00:55:20,942 --> 00:55:22,610
"Why aren't you moving?"
1232
00:55:22,610 --> 00:55:24,863
[groans] "It's in my skin!"
1233
00:55:25,655 --> 00:55:27,657
"It's burning my clo--" [groans]
1234
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:29,951
"Move, asshole!"
1235
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,163
I turned around, I go,
"I can't. I think I'm gonna shit."
1236
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:35,332
- He goes, "You did this?!"
- [audience laughing]
1237
00:55:35,332 --> 00:55:37,917
"You did this?!
I think you gave me cancer!"
1238
00:55:37,917 --> 00:55:39,544
- [audience laughing]
- [groans]
1239
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:42,881
"I can taste it in my molars!
Keep moving!"
1240
00:55:42,881 --> 00:55:44,758
- [audience laughing]
- [groans]
1241
00:55:45,884 --> 00:55:51,598
My daughters come flying out of that wall
the happiest they've ever fucking been.
1242
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:53,141
[audience laughing]
1243
00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:56,102
Go right up to my mom and they go,
"Nana, it's happening."
1244
00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:57,729
[audience laughing]
1245
00:55:57,729 --> 00:56:00,774
I come out of the wall, I'm like,
"Nana, big guy's unhappy."
1246
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:01,983
[audience laughing]
1247
00:56:01,983 --> 00:56:05,570
My dad comes out of that wall
like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole.
1248
00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:06,988
[audience laughing]
1249
00:56:06,988 --> 00:56:09,491
"Cocksucker! Motherfucker!"
1250
00:56:10,241 --> 00:56:12,535
"God! You're going to a fucking doctor!"
1251
00:56:12,535 --> 00:56:13,620
[audience laughing]
1252
00:56:13,620 --> 00:56:15,955
"That is not healthy. That is not--"
1253
00:56:15,955 --> 00:56:18,416
"He shits like your side
of the family, Maggie."
1254
00:56:18,416 --> 00:56:21,002
"You need a colonoscopy.
You need a colonoscopy."
1255
00:56:21,002 --> 00:56:24,798
"That's what's wrong. I'm telling you.
Where the fuck's your goddamn wife?"
1256
00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:26,508
[audience laughing]
1257
00:56:26,508 --> 00:56:29,469
LeeAnn comes out
of the rafters of the ceiling...
1258
00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:31,179
[audience laughing]
1259
00:56:31,179 --> 00:56:34,099
...and is like, "I think I solved
the escape room, Albert."
1260
00:56:34,099 --> 00:56:35,058
[audience laughs]
1261
00:56:35,058 --> 00:56:37,685
"Try one of the doors."
He goes, "The fuck I will!"
1262
00:56:37,685 --> 00:56:38,686
[audience laughs]
1263
00:56:38,686 --> 00:56:41,898
Grabs the first handle
of three on the wall,
1264
00:56:41,898 --> 00:56:43,900
and it doesn't move, it's just locked.
1265
00:56:43,900 --> 00:56:44,818
[imitates rattle]
1266
00:56:44,818 --> 00:56:49,197
My daughters now have crossed their legs.
They're about to piss their pants.
1267
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:52,534
He is at a level nine. "Motherfucker!"
1268
00:56:52,534 --> 00:56:53,493
[audience laughs]
1269
00:56:53,493 --> 00:56:56,621
Grabs the next door.
Nothing. "Cocksucker!"
1270
00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:00,792
Grabs the third door,
and as it flies open,
1271
00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:04,129
he turns his back to the door,
looks at us and goes,
1272
00:57:04,129 --> 00:57:06,172
"Fucking finally!"
1273
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:07,841
[audience laughing]
1274
00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:09,634
He doesn't see what we see...
1275
00:57:09,634 --> 00:57:11,136
[audience laughing]
1276
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,179
which is a 90-year-old woman
1277
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,349
in her nightgown in a closet.
1278
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:18,726
She's been in this closet for 45 minutes.
1279
00:57:18,726 --> 00:57:20,019
[audience laughing]
1280
00:57:20,019 --> 00:57:22,230
I don't know who's more scared, her or us.
1281
00:57:22,230 --> 00:57:24,482
[audience laughing]
1282
00:57:24,482 --> 00:57:28,361
She's trying to adjust her eyes
to the light and remember her line.
1283
00:57:28,361 --> 00:57:31,322
And she just goes... [yelling]
1284
00:57:31,322 --> 00:57:32,782
My dad shuts the door...
1285
00:57:32,782 --> 00:57:34,075
[audience laughing]
1286
00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:37,912
...puts his heel on it, and he's like,
"Everybody, back in the fucking wall!"
1287
00:57:37,912 --> 00:57:39,873
[audience laughing]
1288
00:57:39,873 --> 00:57:42,417
My girls are now on the fucking floor.
1289
00:57:43,334 --> 00:57:44,836
Georgia looks at me and goes,
1290
00:57:44,836 --> 00:57:47,672
"This is better than I thought
it could have ever been!"
1291
00:57:47,672 --> 00:57:49,090
[audience laughing]
1292
00:57:49,090 --> 00:57:52,677
My dad looks at me and he goes,
"What the fuck are they talking about?"
1293
00:57:53,386 --> 00:57:56,055
I go, "Dad, you're not gonna be happy
when you hear this."
1294
00:57:56,055 --> 00:57:57,140
[audience laughing]
1295
00:57:57,140 --> 00:57:59,225
"But the only reason
they wanted you to come...
1296
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:02,145
is for this right now."
1297
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,355
[audience laughing]
1298
00:58:04,355 --> 00:58:06,274
He goes, "To solve the escape room?"
1299
00:58:07,358 --> 00:58:10,528
I go, "No, to watch you lose your shit."
1300
00:58:10,528 --> 00:58:12,155
[audience laughing]
1301
00:58:12,906 --> 00:58:15,074
He's still standing there,
heel on the door.
1302
00:58:15,617 --> 00:58:18,411
Looks around the room
like he's trying to find someone to love.
1303
00:58:18,411 --> 00:58:20,788
[audience laughing]
1304
00:58:20,788 --> 00:58:22,582
Lands on my daughters and he goes,
1305
00:58:23,208 --> 00:58:24,334
"You wanted this?"
1306
00:58:24,334 --> 00:58:26,669
[audience laughs]
1307
00:58:26,669 --> 00:58:28,087
"This is what you wanted."
1308
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:30,798
Looks at his watch and he goes,
1309
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,636
"My Apple Watch says my heart rate's 154."
1310
00:58:34,636 --> 00:58:36,721
[audience laughing]
1311
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:42,185
"I'm 75 years old, ladies."
1312
00:58:42,185 --> 00:58:43,811
[audience laughing]
1313
00:58:43,811 --> 00:58:45,980
"I'm on nine different medications."
1314
00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,691
"I got high blood pressure,
high cholesterol."
1315
00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:50,944
"Your father just shit in my mouth!"
1316
00:58:50,944 --> 00:58:51,903
[audience laughs]
1317
00:58:51,903 --> 00:58:55,323
"And we got the old lady from Titanic
locked in a fucking closet!"
1318
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:56,449
[audience laughing]
1319
00:58:56,449 --> 00:58:58,034
"And this is what you wanted?"
1320
00:58:58,868 --> 00:59:00,578
Ila looks at Georgia and goes...
1321
00:59:00,578 --> 00:59:04,749
Happy birthday to you ♪
1322
00:59:04,749 --> 00:59:06,834
[audience cheering and applauding]
1323
00:59:09,671 --> 00:59:10,755
Omaha!
1324
00:59:10,755 --> 00:59:13,550
[rock music playing]
1325
00:59:13,550 --> 00:59:16,553
[audience cheering and applauding]
1326
00:59:16,553 --> 00:59:20,056
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
1327
00:59:20,056 --> 00:59:22,517
[cheering and applause continues]
1328
00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:27,188
[rock music continues]
1329
00:59:38,074 --> 00:59:39,993
[audience cheering]
1330
00:59:48,626 --> 00:59:50,545
[rock music continues]