(♪ Love As A Weapon ♪ by Little Scream)
♪ I was putting on my raincoat ♪
♪ When I saw myself again ♪
♪ I was thinking about how I felt ♪
♪ When you fooled my heart again ♪
♪ When your love's not a shelter ♪
♪ And you get caught in the rain ♪♪
- So, how would we do this?
- I love that question.
- Do you mind logistically?
- More physically.
- We believe in skin on skin.
Eye contact building, secure attachment.
What is it we like? The "seal?"
- Oh, the "Dolphin." Firm but flexible.
- We're not into lawn mowering.
- I don't know what that is. - Or helicoptering.
- Oh, right! Is that where you would...
- There has to be room to breathe.
- Oh, I'm not into asphyxiation.
- More free-range.
- That sounds... so organic.
- Exactly. - I can be a tiger.
- Wow. Great.
- Well, protection is everything.
Especially, in the beginning.
- Yeah, we have to use protection.
- What?
- I can't wait to all sleep together.
(laughing) - Me too.
- No. - Us and the babies.
- What babies?
- The babies that we...
we both want to get pregnant at the same time.
But we wouldn't with you, do the...
- No, you would... in a cup and then...
(lips popping) - I'm so confused.
- Did you not put this on our profile?
- This was definitely not on your profile.
- Rosa's not great with technology.
- Oh, I take that as a compliment.
- We're best friends. We met when we were 15?
- Yeah, when we worked in that bathing suit store.
- Oh, he doesn't need to know that.
- The owner would make us
try on the bikinis just to, you know,
like, see how they fit.
And then he would take our picture--
- Stop, stop! - And then...
- Anyhow... - In retrospect,
it was very wrong.
- We bonded,
and we've been best friends ever since.
Now, we're both recently single.
- Out of some bad relationships.
- The point is...
we both always wanted to be mothers,
but we don't want to do it alone.
- We love each other.
You know, but time is ticking
so why not do it together?
- But adoption is super complicated.
- And buying sperm is... - We don't want that.
- Because... - We want a dad in the picture.
- You'd be very much involved. - Definitely.
- But we can't have actual sex with you because...
- It can get complicated.
- So...
Why are you on a threesome app?
(light background chatter)
- Why are we on a threesome app?
- Are we? (chuckling nervously)
- That is definitely not a co-parenting app.
- No.
- You put "looking for daddy"
on a threesome app?
- Well, because we are.
We are looking for daddy.
(playful music)
- Did you bring everything?
- For the third time, yes.
- After that debacle with the co-parenting app,
you can't really blame me for worrying.
- Well, that was kind of your fault, though.
- How is that my fault? - Well, if you weren't
in recovery from your dating app addiction,
you would've put us on the app.
And none of that would've happened.
- Shh, he's coming.
(footsteps approaching)
- Sorry about the sweat. I'm training for a triathlon.
(man groans)
Cycling's my weakest.
(chuckling)
- You're so athletic.
(chuckles)
- So...
A mortgage, I'm excited to help you
take this next step.
- Us, too. Very.
- So let's start with your assets.
- Anna has more assets than I do.
- Don't sell yourself short. Rosa also has assets.
- Not really.
- Did you bring everything?
- My last two tax returns,
my bank statement, my credit card statement.
I also have some savings. Rosa does too.
We could pool together about 80k.
- That's pretty low for this city, but, um, okay.
Uh, are you freelance?
- I'm a wardrobe stylist.
Events, print ads, film premieres.
- I'm currently working my way through the entire
Criterion Collection.
- I'd love to know your favourites.
- Yeah, um...
Back to, um... So...
On your own, this would be tough,
but as a couple...
- Oh, we're not a couple. We're best friends.
- We live together, though. I mean, Anna lives with me
since her most recent very bad divorce.
- It wasn't that bad.
Anyway, we thought, "Why not pool our resources
and get into the market?"
- Makes a lot of sense in this economy.
- Exactly.
- So can I see yours?
- Uh-huh...
(clears throat)
- This is a... This is your resume.
And a bank statement.
Okay, and, um...
"Rosa is kind and warm-hearted,
and I love it when she reads to me and rubs my feet."
What is this? - Some assessments of my work.
- No, Rosa,
I said, "Notice of assessments" from your taxes.
- Have you filed your taxes?
- Um, it's been a few years.
- A few? - Seven...
Nine... Ever...
But I am on it now.
I'm ready.
- Hmm, okay, you're ready!
Alright, so...
You're a...? - Poet.
And a personal support worker.
- Rosa's amazing with old people.
- Elderly. We don't say "old" anymore.
- Full-time?
- Sort of.
I also, I need time to write.
- Okay, yeah... Uh...
I'm sorry. I don't think I can make this work.
- What? - You have no other holdings.
A bare minimum down payment.
How would you cover closing costs
or taxes and escrow?
Maybe you should just rent.
- But we're hoping to start a family.
We need security, we need roots.
- Can you get us a tiny house?
- Not the tiny houses again.
- In some places, five people
live in a walk-in closet.
This would be just the two of us in a shipping container.
- Stop it. - We just need a starter.
You know, to build up our portfolio.
- Equity.
- We need a nest.
Please, help us.
- I mean, if you're willing to go low, like,
400 square feet...
- We are. - We are?
- Well, then get me your tax returns
as soon as possible.
And I'll do my best.
- Thank you. - You won't regret this.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Oh.
How do you feel about being a father?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm pretty good just being a mortgage broker.
(nervous chuckling)
- Thanks.
- What? He's good with money, likes movies.
Plus, we've had no good matches on the app, yet.
- It takes time! We get more interest every day.
See? - Hello, Baby Daddies.
Did you reply? Should I reply?
Let me hold it! - No apps for you!
You spiral. - Fine.
But don't be too keen. Be cool.
We don't want to seem desperate.
- Says the woman who just propositioned
our mortgage broker.
- Again, good with money,
likes movies, very athletic.
(♪ Love As A Weapon ♪ by Little Scream)
Subtitling: difuze