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[crowd cheering]
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♪ ["Oh Freedom" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
Joan: ♪ Oh, freedom ♪
♪ Oh, freedom ♪
♪ Oh, freedom♪
♪ Over me♪
♪ And before I'll be a slave♪
♪ I'll be buried in my grave♪
♪ And go home to my Lord♪
♪ And be free♪
[crowd cheering]
Joan: Thank you.
Therapist: Now, just letting it go.
This allows you to go deeper as you let go
of the physical postures, the physical tensions.
Letting go of being anybody,
for anybody else...
takes you deeper.
[crowd cheering]
Joan: I mean, if I could write my entire history,
whether it has anything to do with the facts is,
nobody will ever know 'cause we remember
what we want to remember.
No matter how hard we try to stick to the exact story,
we come out looking awfully clean
compared to what it was probably like.
We remember exactly
what saves us a lot of pain, probably.
[soft music playing]
[birds chirping]
Joan: I don't think anybody at a young age
who gets famous has the slightest idea
that it'll ever end.
There's a moment when you're not what you were.
And it has to happen to everybody
who's ever been in the public eye,
whether they pretend it hasn't or not.
[soft music playing]
[Joan vocalizing]
[laughs]
[vocalizing]
- How's that feeling? - I have to just...
to knocking the vibrato
- out of some of these... - Sarah: Yeah.
...gives me a little longer time with them.
[Joan vocalizing]
Joan: I'd love to have those notes.
So, I think you can.
[both vocalizing]
- Sarah: Yay! - Yeah?
Where'd you find it?
Joan: I think it's coming from somewhere in my past.
- [laughs] - [Joan vocalizing]
Joan: As the years go by, it gets more and more difficult.
I mean, the vocal cords are muscle, you know,
If your muscles start getting flabby,
if you don't really work to keep them up,
and at a certain point
there's just not that much you can do.
[birds chirping]
Joan: I've always said I wouldn't want to do
a farewell tour because people who say that always come back.
But maybe it'd be nice to celebrate 55 years of it,
you know?
[upbeat music playing]
Joan: And I just turned 79.
And, um,
it's sort of hitting me harder than I thought it would.
I don't want to go on too long.
I mean, I know that I look good for my age, et cetera.
But...[laughs] ...there's a limit.
The decision to end the career, you can talk about it
until you're blue, but I can't...
really anticipate what it's gonna be like.
[upbeat music playing]
Man: Yeah.
- [drum thumping] - [indistinct chatter]
Christiane: Yeah, you talk about the muscle
that created that voice. It's one of the purest,
one of the truest notes in music history.
And many have described it like that.
Do you miss that voice? Do you still have that?
I do not have it. And I do miss it.
Um, I had to come to terms with what I do have.
Really reinvent, yeah.
'Cause this is now a much more honest voice
that reflects 60 years on the road, you know?
I don't know how hard it is to give up the props,
the adulation, and the adoration and...
Don't know yet.
[crowd cheering]
- Staff: Everybody ready? - Joan: Everybody ready?
[crowd cheering]
♪ ["There But For Fortune" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
Joan: ♪ Show me the prison♪
♪ Show me the jail♪
♪ Show me the prisoner♪
♪ Whose life has gone stale♪
♪ I'll show you young girl♪
♪ With so many reasons why♪
♪ 'Cause there There but for fortune♪
♪ Go you or I♪
[humming]
[crowd cheering]
Joan: Thank you.
Thank you.
Therapist: Relax the muscles in your eyelids
down to the point,
allowing yourself to drift back through time, to a time
when you're really in touch with that whoop-de-doo feeling.
Host: Come on! Let's it hear for her.
She's out of sight!
Therapist: Feeling the enthusiasm,
feeling the joy...
feeling the lightness.
Let yourself be present there now.
When you started out in your singing career,
did you know in social terms, other than in musical terms,
what it was that you were about?
Um. It is... Before I could really verbalize it,
I would say that the... a social consciousness was born in me
before the... before the voice developed.
Young Joan Narrator: "What I Believe"
by Joanie Baez, age 13.
When I think of God, I think of the Earth
as a very small thing.
Then I think of myself, hardly a speck.
Then I see there's no use for this tiny dot
to spend its small life doing things for itself.
It might as well spend time making
the less fortunate specks in the world enjoy themselves.
That is what I believe.
Albert: This is Albert Baez.
Well, as you know, I've been carrying
a portable tape recorder of one kind or another.
Joan: We were Quakers, a lot of imagination
and a lot of giving,
so the social consciousness really came from my dad.
[Albert humming]
Joan: Mother was a truer pacifist.
And Mother didn't give a damn about laws.
My father would get a little bit concerned
when we'd, you know, do civil disobedience.
But eventually, he didn't care either.
Oh, he was so handsome.
And Mother was so beautiful.
Joan: Pauline was named after her sister Pauline.
And I was named after Mom.
Mimi was named after Aunt Mimi, who nobody liked, you know?
[laughs]
Pauline: She had big, beautiful eyes.
Joan: She had big, beautiful blue eyes.
And everybody would comment on it.
And Pauline and I would go... [mocks]
But big, beautiful blue eyes. She was beautiful.
Albert: We're going to take off for Calcutta
visiting the different departments of science.
Joan: He was a researcher, academician
and a researcher in physics.
Pauline: I remember pops taking us different places
because he wanted us to see that everybody in the world
was basically the same. And it was true.
Albert: As I look out my window, as usual,
the rich have big tombs, the poor,
who knows where they end up?
[somber music playing]
Joan: He was very, very, very driving it home to us
about the haves and the have nots.
All the poverty stuff was pretty overwhelming
for all of us.
I was a sensitive kid. I internalized everything.
I worried about the poor. I worried about people in pain.
I worried about animals.
I was aware that...
that there were, you know, sorrows way greater than mine.
Pauline: He was a good dad for... for the period
in which he was a dad.
Joan: I think I'm just... I'm darker than Pauline.
I mean, I don't remember things in such a jolly way.
Um, but I'm way too conflicted to just have
a bunch of nice family memories.
♪ ["Earth Angel" by The Penguins plays] ♪
Young Joan Narrator: I am a very moody person.
I sit sometimes and just think
about life, death, and religion,
about whether I'm turning out to be what my parents want,
or whether I'm letting them down.
♪ My darling dear...♪
Joan: I think I must've been 13,
and somebody called me a dumb Mexican.
And a teacher said to me...
"You are of the highest breed of Spanish."
I said, "No, I'm not. I'm a Mexican."
I was defending the Mexican race.
Young Joan Narrator: I have run into a few problems myself
because of the fact that I am one-half Mexican.
I turn pretty dark in the summer.
Once, somebody yelled out of a window at me,
"Hey, what you doing...?"
My reply was, "Wait till you see me
this summer when I get my tan."
Joan: I thought I was inferior, certainly to the white kids
- and the rich kids. - [indistinct chatter]
Joan: Most of the time in the school, I felt less than.
Joan: ♪ Make it 300 cubic long♪
♪ Thirty high, about 50 wide♪
♪ I want it to stand My rain and tide♪
Young Joan Narrator: I enjoy singing.
When I get depressed,
I sing songs to prove to me that life isn't really so bad.
I pick up a guitar and bellow it out of me.
Joan: ♪ 'Cause it's going to rain♪
Started taking the ukulele on campus.
And I'd sing at lunchtime.
♪ All the great men upon...♪
By the time I was in tenth grade,
I had an identity.
♪ Over land I've been over sea♪
Young Joan Narrator: I am not a saint. I am a noise.
I spend a good deal of my time singing,
dancing, making a nuisance of myself.
I love to be the center of attention.
And pardon the conceit, I usually am.
Joan: ♪ And the famous Grandy scratch-scratch♪
Joan: I would have my own vibrancy
when I would paint or sing.
But that didn't extend to the struggle at school.
Basically, it was panic attack stuff
started early, really early.
As far back as I can remember, in fact.
I'd go to my mom for comfort and lie there shivering,
say, "Tell me I won't throw up."
And then the anxiety stuff just heightened and heightened.
Joan Sr.: I think she was a very happy girl.
But something was bothering her all the time.
And to the extent
that none of us have ever found out what it was.
She used to be sick and feel terribly sick.
But I think it was something that was worrying her.
And maybe she didn't know what it was.
Certainly, we didn't know what it was.
Joan: I used to have dreams when I was about...
15 or younger, that I would be in a hospital.
In this dream, I wouldn't have to...
say anything or do anything. I would just be there.
And I get three squares a day and could stay in bed
and be quiet.
I remember the first introduction
to the name "psychiatrist."
Some girl was going to a psychiatrist.
You know, when I was in junior high school,
that was... weird.
Somebody had to be cuckoo to do that.
[dramatic music playing]
Joan: My life was just unlivable...
because the anxiety attacks
were really what I needed to live through
to get to the other side.
I was in therapy since I was 16.
A good doctor knows if it's time to push or not push.
And he just must have known that it wasn't.
I couldn't have managed to bite off the...
you know, the lid of what was going on in there.
Eventually, you know, everything disintegrated.
[birds chirping]
[country music playing]
♪ I was born in an alleyway♪
Whoo!
[shrieks]
We just roll on from one concert to the next.
Every hall is sold out.
It's a slam dunk every night.
The whole black backdrop is lit half the show.
- Gotcha. - So...
Joan: My traveling road show
seems to be more important to me than the concerts, you know?
They're a big family.
The life and the... The life of the stars.
I'm dressing it.
[laughs]
You know what? Is Gabe around? I was gonna do his shirt.
- Go and get his shirt. - [crew member laughs]
Joan: The fact that Gabe, during these times,
I get to see Gabe,
which may not necessarily happen,
certainly not on this scale when the touring is over.
Gabriel: Make sure you get the collar, all right?
[chuckles] I always iron my collars first.
You know your mom always said you could've run
a perfectly good dry cleaning business.
She didn't know why you had to go
- into this whole music thing. - [Joan laughs]
Gabriel: It's kinda funny to look back on it
and realize what a large part of my life it's been.
All started pretty spontaneously.
It also became a path for us of reconciling our relationship.
And you know, when you're out there
traveling on the road, whatever...
whatever shit you've got with somebody,
it's gonna come up sooner or later,
so you know, we had to deal with some of that.
[crowd cheering]
Joan: Please welcome my big band to the stage.
♪ ["Darling Cory" by Joan Baez & Band plays] ♪
♪ Wake up, wake up Darling Cory♪
♪ What makes you sleep So sound?♪
♪ The revenue officers Are coming♪
♪ Gonna tear Your still house down♪
[crowd cheering]
[drum solo]
[other instruments join in]
Joan: Thank you.
[soft music playing]
Albert: Now, I'm gonna play the piece that you always hear
at circuses when the horses are going around in the ring.
[Albert scatting]
[whimsical music playing]
Albert: Now, you don't mind, do you,
if I start riding with them too?
[Albert scatting]
Joan: Our whole family could sing harmony like that.
My father was a musician.
[Albert scatting]
Joan: And my mom, she would've had a lovely voice
if she'd been able to have the time.
♪ ["Why Do Fools Fall in Love" by Joan & Mimi plays] ♪
♪ Why do fools fall in love?♪
♪ Why do birds sing so gay...♪
Joan: I was really close to Mimi back then.
She and I started singing together.
We looked alike to some degree.
♪ Love is a losing game Love can be a shame♪
Joan: At that point, just horsing around, playing,
and enjoying each other.
It started getting complicated later.
♪ Why do fools fall in love?♪
Radio broadcaster: This is radio at Harvard
broadcasting from Cambridge.
[soft music playing]
Radio broadcaster: We are lucky to have Joan Baez here...
Baez on our show tonight.
I know that you'll enjoy listening to her.
♪ Some say that love Is a gentle thing♪
♪ But it only Has brought me pain♪
♪ And the only boy...♪
Audience member: Now, Ms. Baez,
how did you originally get your start in folk, period?
I just picked up a guitar and started copying everybody
in Harvard Square.
I was so bored with college. That's exactly what I did.
♪ I'll be no man's wife...♪
Joan: Club 47 was my learning place.
It was the emerging counterculture.
On the first night, there was nobody there
except my family. And then the next week,
that thing had ballooned to a full house.
Pauline: She came home with 100-dollar bills
falling out of her pockets, you know?
Oh, dismayed Pops, who was struggling
so hard to make his 100-dollar bills.
I said, "Look at what we made today,
everybody, for everybody. Whee!"
Throw it over. We had a little balcony sort of thing
over the living room and I'd hurl this money over
and think it would make everybody so happy. [laughs]
And they all hated me for it, you know?
- Well, Pops was really upset. - He was so upset.
- 'Cause you hadn't worked hard. - He said,
"I worked for my money."
- Pauline: Yeah. - Joan: He said.
♪ Oh, fare thee well I must be gone♪
♪ And leave you for a while...♪
Albert: Since we have two working girls now
besides myself as a wage earner,
I'll just tell you, uh, briefly what I'm doing.
I'm gonna put a... an X-ray telescope
into an orbiting satellite to pick up X-rays
from distant stars.
♪ If I go♪
Albert: But why bother about distant stars...
♪ If I go♪
[chuckles] ...when we have the luminaries right with us?
♪ All these things be♪
Festival host: Very rarely does it happen
that a performer emerges...
that is a beautiful human being as well as a great
singer and musician.
Such a one is Joan Baez.
[crowd cheering]
I'm all... I'm all up to here with it.
So, anyhow, I'll just sing what I feel like singing,
feel sort of like exploding. So, I'll explode.
♪ ["Te Ador" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ Tu amor ♪
♪ Deixasse corpo Da gente marcado ♪
♪ Oh♪
Joan: It was whatever reason,
I was the right voice at the right time.
It just shot me in another whole stratosphere.
Crowd: Come on. Come on.
♪ Tu amor ♪
- Cameraman: Come on, kids. - Don't get so hysterical.
Don't get so hysterical. I mean...
Are you getting writer's cramp, Joan?
No, I'm getting a bloated ego.
I think it's... I think it's...
Mimi: At age 18, she really became
suddenly famous overnight. Time magazine writes an article.
It says, "A star is born at Newport."
When you're 18 years old, that really influences you.
It really twisted her mind around for a while.
Director: Scene one, take one, sound one.
Host 1: Here's Joan Baez. Well, all I can say is "wow."
Host 2: One of the world's great singers, Ms. Joan Baez.
Host 3: Here she is, man. Ms. Joan Baez!
[crowd cheering]
♪ La, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la♪
Joan: I went from thinking I was not very adequate
as a human being to being called the Virgin Mary.
Well, who isn't going to buy the Virgin Mary?
I mean, that was a much better deal.
So, I went running around barefoot
with long hair looking like the Virgin Mary
and probably thinking a little bit that I was.
- [indistinct chatter] - [Joan screams]
Albert: Now, on this side,
I'm gonna let you hear Joanie sing.
And the best way to do it really is
to, uh, let you hear some of the records
that she has made.
♪ Oh, what a beautiful city♪
♪ Twelve gates Into the city...♪
Pauline: It was overpowering
having her as a younger sister.
I think at first, we were very close.
But then... then I had to go my own way...
because she... her presence became too much.
Joan: I think Pauline just retreated.
Any thought of any kind of competition
or being out in that world was just anathema to her.
She drifted away.
Well, I turned into the silent arts. I mean,
I did sewing and built mud houses
and different kinda stuff.
I moved to Carmel Valley, way out in the sticks.
I kind of decided if everybody else
was going for fame and glory, I'd be invisible.
And so, I became more invisible.
It's just how I learned to cope, I think.
[gentle music playing]
Joan: Oh, it was better than with Mimi
'cause she wanted to compete.
And that was equally as disastrous, you know?
Pauline: Well, I think in the beginning,
she wasn't trying to be Joanie, but she could play too.
And she was gorgeous.
It was just so strange how it worked out
because, oh, man, that body, it was so beautiful.
She was not a singer.
She was a dancer. But it didn't go that way.
Radio host: When I'm talking to you,
I can't help thinking about you being Joan Baez's sister.
And, uh, it makes me then wonder what it was like for you
as a little girl.
Mimi: Boy, well, as a teenager, I wanted to be a dancer.
And then I was so sort of overwhelmed
by my sister.
And being her little sister, in a sense, stunted my growth
because I was so overwhelmed by her that I copycatted her
for many years.
Pauline: I just always figured she and Joanie
had this really tight relationship
and they were on another track.
But it turned out that she and Joanie
were having such problems.
It was always such a... such a power thing
and such a jealousy thing.
And then Dick came along and kind of whoopsed her away.
I mean, they got the music thing.
They put out a lot of good music together.
♪ ["House Un-American Blues Activity Dream"
by Richard and Mimi Fariña plays] ♪
♪ When I was Standing on the sidewalk♪
♪ I had a noise in my head♪
♪ There were loud speakers Babbling,
but nothing was said♪
♪ There were 27...♪
Joan: She wanted to be a singer...
and asked me what I thought.
And I said it'll be so difficult
trying to do this under the shadow
of your older sister.
And I think she resented that forever.
[crowd cheering]
♪ My daddy is a handsome devil♪
♪ He's got a chain Five miles long♪
♪ And on every link A heart does dangle♪
♪ Of another maid He's loved and wronged♪
Joan: Hello, Mummy, Popsy,
I wrote you guys a letter last night.
And then I brought a tape recorder today.
So, I decided I make a tape instead.
Much nicer.
♪ Another tender maiden...♪
Joan: I wish you could hear the train whistle.
It's really a lonesome sound.
Anyhow, let's see. What's happening?
We've had all good concerts so far.
Vancouver was the nicest.
Last night was Portland.
And, uh, I'm traveling from Portland to San Francisco.
Interviewer: What does fame mean to you?
Fame, I think that fame is like...
everybody, no matter how much they try to pretend,
everybody likes the thought of fame.
What fame actually is, I don't really know
'cause I don't consider myself famous.
I think there's a difference in being well known
and being famous.
Joan: I think I was just confused.
I... I know that I...
was happy to have the attention.
And I think that bothered me.
I didn't want to be, um, privileged...
when there were so many people who had no privileges.
It was a huge conflict from the start.
[dramatic music playing]
Announcer: The great Ms. Joan Baez.
[crowd cheering]
Joan: I was really young. And it really is what it was.
Oh, my God, what am I doing? What's going on around me?
Where do I stand in the world? What does it mean?
I see the little red light on this television machine.
Where is the orchestra?
- [crowd laughing, applauding] - That's the orchestra. Okay.
Joan: I mean, I'd walk out on the stage
and they said, "Oh, she looks so peaceful. She..."
Exactly the opposite of what was going on inside.
Joan: I was just totally depleted, physically,
mentally, spiritually, everything.
It was a breakdown.
[drum music playing]
Joan: Being famous at a really early age,
I don't know what my life would have been otherwise.
Maybe it partly separated me.
Part of my isolation might have come from that.
But I am...
by now, more comfortable...
by myself.
[drum music playing]
Joan: I'm not very good at one-on-one relationships.
I'm great with one-on-2,000. You know?
So, in some ways, yeah, I mean, we created
an intimate situation.
And I get out of having to fi-- you know, deal with the reality
of an intimate relationship. [laughs]
And I have a nice intimate evening with 4,000 people.
[crowd cheering]
[drum music playing]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Yay!
Joan: ♪ There's just one Too many mornings♪
♪ And a thousand miles behind♪
♪ Just one too many mornings And a thousand miles behind♪
Joan: Train's slowing down.
It's really beautiful out.
It's just dark clouds and green grass and a few trees.
There isn't any color out there,
it's just like gray and black.
There's just gray, and then there's black.
And, uh, I can see my reflection a little bit
in that sort of pale gray.
[somber music playing]
Joan: I think, didn't I, um, when I was 22, take a year off?
Trying to make sure I didn't get seduced
by the entertainment world, trying to be a better person.
And then during that time period, I met a girl.
Joan [from audiotapes]: I'm speaking really, really low
because I don't want to wake up Kimmie.
It's about 2:00 in the morning.
And I can't get to sleep.
Joan: Kim came to visit me.
And I realized I was really attracted to her.
She was great.
She was... she could outdrink anybody on the coast.
And she surfed for seven hours at a time
and all this wonderful stuff that I didn't do.
She was more feral than I was...
didn't have any consciousness of rules, regulations.
We were tearing around town in boots and cutoffs
and suspenders and weird hair and headbands, um...
and just ruffians.
Yeah, and we ended up together.
It was a major turn, what it gave me, and...
another whole angle on love, another whole angle on sex.
I guess couple years it lasted,
a nice couple years.
I think probably soothing after men.
Joan [from audiotapes]: Mummy and Popsy,
Kimmie and I are on the train.
And we're going to Tucson next.
And then we plunge into the deep South.
So, there was that and recreation, the fun and...
and then there was me being serious
about what I was doing,
beginning to get serious about...
what I was saying and doing,
and what I would do with my life.
Activist: And begin the march for freedom now.
Let us begin quietly and orderly
to move out, remembering
that by a great number...
Joan: Never seen that many people,
about 250,000, something like that.
[indistinct chanting]
Joan: And then there was the speech...
[breathes deeply] ...which I'll never get over.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I have a dream...
my four little children...
will one day live in a nation
where they will not be judged by the color of their skin,
but by the content of their character.
- I have a dream today. - [crowd applauds]
Joan: Well, I kinda remember those days
of some kind of shifting going on and maybe getting
closer to actually doing.
The obvious thing was music and politics for me.
And I didn't have the songs for it at that point.
And that was one of the glories of Dylan showing up.
And then, you know, and then, the songs made all the sense
in the world, whether they made any sense or not.
♪ Oh, the time will come up When the winds will stop♪
♪ And the breeze will cease To be breathing ♪
♪ Like the stillness in the wind Before the hurricane begins♪
♪ The hour that the ship Comes in♪
Joan: We changed each other's lives and outlooks
and music and careers.
♪ And the sands on The shoreline will be shaking♪
Joan: I had gone to see him at Gerde's Folk City
in New York City.
And I saw this tattered, little shamble
of a human being up there.
He's just spouting out these words.
And I was just transfixed.
I remember being at a party
and he had just written Hard Rain.
Um, he was singing it like a normal person
with a bunch of people,
sitting around, not normal but... 'cause I mean,
normal people don't write stuff like that. [laughs]
- Is Bobby down there? - [crowd cheering]
Joan: I was just stoned on that talent.
Bobby!
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Joan: I remember very clearly driving around
when I was driving to my own concerts.
And I'd introduce him on the stage.
And the audience would go... [mocking]
[chuckles] And I would say, listen to this guy.
Didn't take very long for them to listen to this guy.
♪ ["It Ain't Me, Babe" by Bob Dylan plays] ♪
♪ You say you're looking For someone who'll pick you up♪
♪ Each time you fall ♪
♪ To gather flowers For you constantly ♪
♪ And to come each time You call ♪
♪ A lover for your life And nothing more ♪
♪ But it ain't me, babe ♪
♪ No, no, no It ain't me, babe ♪
♪ It ain't me you're Looking for, babe♪
[crowd cheering]
Hey, time, it's all... it's all like a matter of time,
- they say. Okay. - [crowd cheering]
I want to say thank you.
I love you.
Joan: It was a big deal for Bobby.
And he was a person then... He was just a person and a kid.
It was wonderful.
We had a wonderful time together.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll do Bobby Dylan singing Joan Baez, okay?
- [crowd laughing] - Okay.
♪ Word is to the kitchen gone♪
♪ And word is to the hall♪
♪ And word is up to Madam, the Queen ♪
♪ And that's the worst of all ♪
I mean, that was a pretty short period
that we were really kids together.
He was writing insane amount of stuff.
It just kinda flies out of the typewriter
and all over the room.
And I was just there riding the wave with him.
Well, for me, he was...
everything. He needed a mother.
He needed somebody to give him a bath.
He needed somebody to sing his songs.
And I needed to mother somebody.
I needed to hang out. I needed intrigue.
I needed his music.
Um, and the time was right for it.
♪ I would come and would go ♪
♪ At his request ♪
Joan [from audiotapes]: Oh, moon, moon above,
dickety dove, smickily pove.
Ickydacky poo. I love her. And she loves you.
Oh, here comes the train. Can you hear it?
♪ And I built him a bower ♪
♪ In my breast ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
Joan [from audiotapes]: The day before yesterday,
I had given three concerts in a row,
the three nights before that with Bobby.
It was fantastic.
The gym was just packed with kids.
The roof nearly came off the place.
♪ ["Only A Pawn In Their Game" by Bob Dylan plays] ♪
♪ A bullet from the back Of a bush ♪
♪ Took Medgar Evers' blood ♪
♪ A finger fired The trigger to his name ♪
♪ A handle hid out in the dark♪
♪ A hand set the spark Two eyes took the aim ♪
♪ Behind a man's brain ♪
♪ But he can't be blamed♪
♪ He's only a pawn In that game ♪
Martin Luther King Jr.: We're gonna walk...
nonviolently and peacefully...
to let the nation and the world know
we are tired now.
Joan: When I stepped into the Civil Rights movement,
I kinda just stayed there.
Nonviolent action was what I was born for.
I knew that I belonged there.
You know, and I realized at that time
that I had this amazing good fortune to be with King.
Martin Luther King Jr.: Now is the time...
to make real the promises of democracy.
Now is the time to make justice a reality
for all of God's children.
Joan: I'm sitting on the bathroom floor
of a Holiday Inn in Mississippi.
I don't consider Texas really South.
I think Mississippi is kinda end the world.
[indistinct chatter]
Interviewer: You're not expecting anything
from any white bystanders, are you?
- No - [car honks]
Joan: It was just a dangerous place to be.
And I was stricken by the kids and their bravery.
When you're standing in a crowd and you're watching
five Black kids integrate a school...
it's not about my courage.
It's really about theirs. I don't know how they did that.
[chuckles]
Joan [from audiotapes]: I've been asked
to fly down to Montgomery.
They've been having a big voter registration drive
because what it's doing is trying to get
- the Negroes to vote. - [indistinct chatter]
[crowd clamoring]
Interviewer: Do you feel you're in a closed society, Dr. King?
Martin Luther King Jr.: Oh, yes.
It's definitely a closed society.
And we're gonna make it an open society.
And we feel that we have to do it this way
in order to bring the evil out into the open.
Joan [from audiotapes]: The march is now
finally going on.
They're having a huge rally in Montgomery at the Capitol
just to show that the Negroes have been able
to do all the things that the Constitution says
they're supposed to be able to do,
they're actually finally doing.
Anyway, I'll sing there. And they're expecting
about 30,000 or 40,000 people to show up.
♪ ["Come And Go With Me To That Land" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ Come and go with me To that land ♪
♪ Come and go with me To that land where I'm bound ♪
♪ Come and go with me To that land ♪
♪ Come and go with me To that land where I'm bound ♪
[indistinct chatter]
[both laugh]
[gentle music playing]
♪ ["No More Auction Block" plays] ♪
♪ Don't block for me no more ♪
♪ No more ♪
♪ No more auction block for me ♪
♪ Many thousand gone ♪
♪ No more auction block for me ♪
♪ No more, no more ♪
♪ No more auction block for me ♪
♪ Many thousand gone ♪
♪ Oh, freedom Oh, freedom ♪
♪ Oh, freedom over me ♪
♪ And before I'll be a slave I'll be buried in my grave ♪
♪ And go home to my Lord And be free ♪
♪ Oh, freedom Oh, freedom ♪
♪ Oh, freedom over me ♪
♪ And before I'll be a slave I'll be buried in my grave ♪
♪ And go home to my Lord And be free ♪
♪ And go home ♪
♪ To my Lord ♪
♪ And be free ♪
[crowd cheers, applauds]
Fan 1: Thank you so much for all you did.
- You brought us to tears there. - Good.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
- [indistinct chatter] - So many memories.
Fan 2: And foot soldier number three.
[all laugh]
You have no idea the power of what you've done tonight.
No idea.
This does not happen.
And for you to speak about race specifically,
the things that make us so uncomfortable, it was...
And to hear it from you, it's different
from hearing it from me.
And so I don't want to cry, so I'm gonna stop.
But I just want to say thank you.
I am so happy.
- Another one of my children. - Mm-hmm.
Fan 3: This is Mama Wimberly.
Fan 4: None of this would happen if not for you.
[soft music playing]
Joan [from audiotapes]: I had a very busy month and a half
just thinking.
And I decided I was gonna start a peace movement.
So, this is what I'm kind of toying around with
in my head. I'm making up speeches...
[laughs] ...these big, fiery speeches.
You know those great images of myself,
leading 400,000 million people.[laughs]
I have to be ready with each thing I do...
To... like... like if I say I'm going to march
out in front of a target some morning
even if nobody else shows up,
then I have to be able to do it, you know?
And I think I could do it. I think they'd show up, but I...
But I think the important thing is that I would do it anyway.
Which I think I would.
But I don't know what's gonna happen with the singing...
[chuckles] ...especially if I end up in jail.
I've opened a school
called the Institute for the Study of Nonviolence.
Institute for Nonviolent Action?
- No. - No?
Institute for the Study of Nonviolence.
[speaking German]
This means for me to investigate in every way
possible every form of nonviolence, political,
economical, sociological, personal, practical, et cetera.
I'm in the learning process.
[soft music playing]
Richard: Mimi's sister, Joanie, has a school.
And, uh, since it started out last August,
we've been out there working on that.
Mimi, uh, teaching dance classes.
Me, cooking.
It's an attempt to find out if... if nonviolent action
is a working alternative to the... to the chaos
that we're bringing down around our heads every day
somewhere in the world.
Interviewer: Let's talk about Dick Farina.
Because so much of the music that you were associated with
was written by him.
Mimi: Well, he came into my life when I was a teenager.
I was, uh, very sad.
And he came along and sort of livened my life up.
So, I went right from home, got married to him, and...
and lived in a tiny cabin with him for several years.
And we began singing and...
I think I would have stayed in his shadow
and remained, you know, a sort of second fiddle
for the rest of my life had he gone on living.
Pauline: It was Mimi's 21st birthday
and she was at my house for a party.
And, uh, Dick and his friend Willy...
um, went for a ride on the motorcycle.
He didn't come back.
Joan: They'd taken the corner too fast.
The driver was okay,
but Dick had fallen off and smacked his head,
and he was gone.
Mimi never got over it really, in my opinion, ever.
When Richard died, she kind of...
took another few steps toward darkness.
She was just wired to be unhappy.
And I'm sure it came-- a lot of it came out of...
the childhood.
Mimi: But when I look back, I've been someone who...
has gone to bed and cried or come home and cried
most of my life.
Can't find myself. Can't find my joy.
Joan: As I say, we were always in therapy.
Mimi had, you know, an intuitive sense
that there was something
very dark around that.
But neither of us really knew, I don't think,
the extent or the depth of what was going on.
[soft music playing]
Joan [from audiotapes]: Hello Mummy, Popsy.
Oops, Mimi's turning over in her sleep.
She got a Seconal. She needed it.
She's up and jumping up and looking out of the window
every five minutes all night long.
I'm so glad she's on this thing with me.
I haven't had much time with her.
So, this is good. Um...
What else was I going to tell you? Something else.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna come to England with Bobby.
It's just gonna be a huge wingding Beatle-rama.
I might do a television thing or one concert.
Reporter: Why are you so big this time?
- What do you think? - I have absolutely no idea.
I don't even know about it, if it is.
I figured just the same thing I did before.
[crowd screaming]
♪ ["Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" by Bob Dylan plays] ♪
[crowd clamoring]
♪ Well, it ain't no use To sit and wonder why, babe ♪
Joan: London was the nightmare.
♪ And it ain't no use... ♪
Joan: I think what happened when Bob started
to be more famous, he just moved away.
In some ways, he moved away from everybody.
I think the shift came very quickly.
♪ Look out your window And I'll be gone ♪
♪ You're the reason... ♪
Joan: I think that if I had pushed my way in there,
I probably could've stayed central to that.
But I couldn't have done the drugs and the boys club.
I didn't know it was gonna be like that.
[indistinct chatter]
Joan: They were just on another planet by then.
And I was this little weird folkie traveling around.
I just didn't belong, you know?
It was horrible.
You see people doing that. And they say,
"Why doesn't she get out of there?" And I couldn't.
The feeling was total demoralization.
I was totally demoralized.
[screams] It was horrible.
Hi, Bob. [laughs]
Interviewer: Um, could I ask you?
A lot of people will be thinking this
while you're over here.
We-- Everyone's noticed Joan, that she's come over.
-Are you just good friends? - Yeah.
- Or is there a romantic link? - Yeah.
- Oh, just friends. - Interviewer: Just friends.
- Did you meet her in America? -Yeah, I meet everybody
-in America. -Interviewer: Yeah.
Well, would you say you're going steady with her?
-No. - Interviewer: You're not?
No, I... I'm not going with anybody.
-I have no... no special one. - Interviewer: No one girl?
[indistinct chatter]
Fan 1: Bobby, see you in Manchester.
- Okay, bye. - Fan 2: See you tomorrow.
Joan: I think probably Dylan broke my heart,
'cause it was so shattering.
And it having been such a huge thing.
You know, it was huge.
The music was huge, the politics, the...
You know, the closeness when we had it.
Um, I think that's fair enough to say.
That, "I admit." [laughs]
♪ ["J'arrive" by Jacques Brel plays] ♪
[singing in French]
Joan: I guess Europe was life-changing,
and keeping in mind that
I had been through hell in England.
So, then coming back in another level was important.
[singing in French]
Joan: I think I was infatuated with Paris.
It was all so seductive.
And allowing myself to be kinda just taken away,
taken off into the fantasy of it.
[singing in French]
Joan: And then Gaveau was a fashion photographer.
So, he took me to the fashion house.
I didn't know they existed.
[singing in French]
Joan: I was just dashing around,
just being up all night 'cause it was too exciting,
and, um, beautiful, really ridiculously beautiful.
And falling in love with various guys and...
[singing in French]
Joan: It was magical.
But I had too much fun, I would automatically get sick.
I would get a form of darkness that was pretty awful.
It was just demonic.
[somber music playing]
Joan: I was aware that I'd be having
a wonderful time and then collapse.
And then having a wonderful time and then collapse.
Eventually, that was a pattern to the point where...
And I... I knew that would happen.
But I would do it anyway.
And what's really interesting is the sorta coming back...
Back round to that...
uh, in a different form. No.
But it's very similar right now.
♪ ["The Things That We Are Made Of" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ Oh, my darling Oh, my love ♪
♪ Things that we are made of ♪
I was in this room.
And for whatever reason, I was absolutely euphoric.
Maybe the concert turned so beautiful.
And then all of a sudden, it switched into big nasty.
Ugh, you know?
But I do know my own syndrome of paying for it.
It still lingers.
I'm totally off my bearings.
So, it's a disorienting feeling.
I'm not in my, uh...
body yet... [chuckles] ...I guess you could say.
[breathes deeply]
I don't know what we're doing next.
I'm not sure where to begin with that.
And all this stuff happens at night,
when I'm trying to sleep.
My mind goes dark.
I mean it goes dark very quickly.
[sighs]
If I don't catch it, then there's that reaction.
And then, when you get down there,
you have no way of connecting with what it was like
when you were cheery and joyful, and open,
and in the light.
You don't remember what up looks like.
[intense music playing]
[helicopter whirring]
Joan [from audiotapes]: Oh, yes.
There's only one thing really to talk about.
That's Vietnam.
How can you drop bombs all over town,
and then come running through with machine guns
and napalm bombs and say,
"We'll bring you democracy on the way back through?"
- You know... - [crowd clamors]
...when you talk in images like that...
people seem to understand.
Interviewer: What would you like to see us do in Vietnam, Joan?
Get out.
- Stop bombing children. - [crowd clamors]
Joan: I don't do things to prove things.
I guess I do things when I'm moved to the point
where I have no choice of what to do.
And it was just...
- It was time to go to jail. -[crowd cheers]
[mellow music playing]
David: We live in a society that's become synonymous,
not simply with sending people to jail.
We live in a society that beyond all those things...
has become synonymous with death itself.
Joan: I think David Harris came to visit me in jail
because he knew that we had supported
the draft resistance movement,
and he was in a leadership position.
He had his little cowboy hat.
and he... he had a flair and an air.
He was pretty adorable. And I really,
really admired those guys and what they were doing.
David: Nobody was having a relationship in those days
that did not have politics to it.
I mean, people who were for the war
didn't marry people who were against the war
or live with them, or go out with them. [chuckles]
It was... it was that kind of division.
David: We come forward and say,
these lives that are brought here today
are bricks from which a new house will be made...
a house where men don't live on the backs of other men.
♪ ["Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" plays] ♪
- [crowd cheers] - Joan: ♪ Swing low... ♪
I mean, I would sing, and he would speak.
It was like Dylan and me meeting in the music world.
This is David and me meeting in the political world.
♪ Coming to carry me... ♪
Joan: Yessie, yessie. Mm-hmm.
What time does the meeting start?
He may be a little late
'cause he's writing, writing, writing.
We moved.[chuckles] Struggle Mountain was a shack.
- [indistinct chatter] - Joan: And we knew
shortly that David would be going to jail.
David: I mean, let 'em come up and bust me for what I do.
I mean, I am leaving a nice scene behind.
I'm leaving my wife pregnant. I am leaving all those things.
And I think that the least any man who comes to arrest me
ought to do is see that.
Interviewer: As a fairly new wife and a... and a
pregnant expectant mother, do you think it's worth it?
[chuckles]
Look, I mean I... I waited for 27 years to find somebody
I thought was worth it, and I knew when we got married
that he would be spending time in prison.
I feel that if he and I continue to be involved
in the revolution, which we will,
we'll both spend time in prison.
So, that's all right.
When I sing this thing, I remember seeing David
for the last time as he rode away with the feds
with his hands cuffed and the big blowicky,
"Resist the Draft" sticker on the bumper,
which the resistance had put on
while they were arresting him, so...
♪ ["We Shall Overcome" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
♪ Someday ♪
♪ Oh, deep in my heart ♪
♪ I know that ♪
♪ I do believe ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
♪ Someday ♪
Joan: Thank you and good night.
[crowd cheers]
[plaintive music playing]
Joan: My mental state, anything would've been doomed.
Anything.
No matter how great that person was,
however they got it, anything.
There's no way I could have been intimate
on a long-term basis with anybody.
And I didn't know that yet.
Joan: Oh, I was thrilled to have a baby.
You know, I really was.
And trying to be a good mom, um, it was a challenge,
'cause I was all about me up until then.
And, uh...
But here was this divine little spirit...
in my life.
- [audience laugh] - [TV host laughs]
TV host: Come and bring him.
He's... he's terrific.
Joan: This song was written for Gabriel's daddy.
♪ In my heart, I will wait ♪
♪ By the stony gate ♪
♪ And the little one 'Neath the trees... ♪
Joan: Trying to be a wife and a mother,
and suffering from internal freak-out.
"I don't wanna be here."
"I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't."
And that's what the intimacy stuff is.
And if you can't handle that closeness,
- then you just want to flee. - [airplane engine rumbling]
[crowd applauds]
I plan to get my feet on the ground, you know.
I mean, a man doesn't spend 20 months in a concrete cell
- and then walk out... - [somber music playing]
...into all this and just...
- Like it was yesterday. - [camera shutter clicks]
Joan: It was hard for him
'cause he was not used to neurotic stuff.
I didn't pick the ideal person who would really grasp it
about neuroses and panic attacks.
I think he tried to be kind.
And I can't even say now how much I loved David or...
to what degree or how you count that
because I was so crazy.
David was 22, and I...
He shouldn't have been married.
And it's not that.
And it... it wasn't because David was too young.
Yes, he was too young, and I was too crazy.
[somber music playing]
[bus engine revving]
Joan: I'm conserving more than I used to know how to.
I mean, some nights, I wanna go hang with everybody.
And I have to go to bed, so I go to bed.
Probably the biggest problem on the body is the bus.
Neck hurts. My back hurts.
So, I'm all taped up with Sea-Bands
and anti-nausea pills, and...
Dramamine, and then my regular stuff on top of that,
so I'm blotto on the bus.
♪ Behind Don't walk then♪
Joan: And I think I feel it more this time.
I mean, I think I'm just more aware of it.
♪ Make up, oh Is to be♪
♪ That you promised to be...♪
Joan: The voice is pretty raggedy.
I mean, it's... it's not a raggedy that bothers me.
I'm pushing pretty hard to make a note sound
what I want it to sound like.
[strums guitar]
Oh, boy.
This is what happens when you don't play for a month.
Well, I'll have to do something different tonight.
This makes your fingers work harder with this here.
People gather around, come from miles.
We all sing together. [laughs]
[vocalizing]
[chuckles, vocalizing]
[chuckles] Oh.
[chuckles] Was that pretty? You got that, guys?
- That's gold. [chuckles] - [indistinct chatter]
Joan: I didn't begin feeling
as though we were really winding it down
until this tour.
Well, it blindsided me.
Did I make a dumb decision?
Am I really not gonna be out with my family,
- you know, on tour... - [crowd applauding]
...which is what I've spent a third of my life doing.
♪ ["It Ain't Me Babe" by Bob Dylan plays] ♪
Joan: Oh, I try to just feel what it's feeling like
instead of shoving it under a rug somewhere.
And I won't. I mean, there'll always be some regret,
no matter when I quit.
I mean, I can't pretend we're gonna sing that away.
♪ Go away from my window ♪
♪ Leave at your own Chosen speed ♪
♪ I'm not the one You want, babe ♪
♪ I'm not the one you need ♪
♪ You say you're Looking for someone ♪
♪ Never weak But always strong ♪
♪ To protect you And defend you ♪
♪ Whether you are right Or wrong ♪
♪ Someone to open Each and every door ♪
♪ Oh, but it ain't me, babe ♪
♪ No, no, no, it ain't me babe ♪
♪ It ain't me You're looking for, babe ♪
[audience cheering and applauding]
Joan: Thank you.
[mellow music playing]
Joan: Thank you.
I think out of all the things I was trying to be,
I think it would switch back and forth.
I would think I wanted to be the mom in the house,
and then I would think
I was doing a pretty good job of it.
And then my activities against the war,
and I had a music career.
Gabriel: I mean, I was always surrounded by people
looking out for me and taking care of me...
but not with this closeness of a... of a parent.
I mean, I spent a lot of time alone...
like I lived in a world apart from my friends.
We both had to reconcile her issues from my childhood
with her being gone.
But she was dealing with her own issues
that I don't feel entirely at liberty to share,
but that made it impossible
for her to be present for me fully.
And, um, you know, she was busy saving the world,
and, um, no kid can... can understand that.
Reporter: But Joan Baez,
America's most famous folk singer and pacifist,
is still on the march.
This time, for the Cambodian refugees.
Joan: And I was really addicted to the activism
and had a hard time
when it wasn't right there in front of me.
After the war in Vietnam,
like most people who had been politically active,
I was a little bit lost. I mean, ballads are out.
Um, war's over. What are you gonna do now?
I have to periodically...
try and figure out what I'm doing on Earth.
What I'm doing with the gift of this voice,
what I should do with it.
In fact, I like to sing. I like my audiences
as if, a number of years I like to entertain.
- [crowd cheers] - Joan: So, all of that
put together...[chuckles] ...it's not a bad life.
♪ ["Diamonds & Rust" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ Well, I'll be damned ♪
♪ Here comes your ghost again ♪
♪ But that's not unusual ♪
♪ It's just that The moon is full ♪
♪ And you happened to call ♪
TheDiamonds & Rust album, I said to myself,
"This is not going to be a political album."
Let's just do music for once.
I think it's possibly the best album I've ever done.
And I should learn something from that. [chuckles]
That I like the results
of my putting a strong effort into music.
♪ Cause I need Some of that vagueness now ♪
♪ It's all come back Too clearly ♪
♪ Yes, I loved you dearly And... ♪
None of us knew
that "Diamonds & Rust" would be the "it" song for me.
And that was wonderful. It really put me back
on the music map in the industry,
made a lot of money, and got a lot of attention.
[crowd cheering]
Joan: And I think flying on that, thinking,
"Yeah, I'm queen of the world. I can do anything."
I fired my manager and went with my very attractive
tour manager, who did a lot of drugs
and really didn't know what he was doing.
♪ ["Hurricane" by Bob Dylan plays] ♪
Joan: Almost enticed by being hip and groovy
and having my name
better known, which it was very temporarily.
♪ Here comes the story Of the Hurricane ♪
♪ The man the authorities Came to blame ♪
♪ For somethin' That he never done ♪
♪ Put in a prison cell, but... ♪
Joan: I guess Dylan might even have called in person.
Uh, "Would you come on this crazy circus with us?"
I think I was nervous about saying yes.
But this time, it wasn't all totally centered around Bob,
but there were these little pockets that you could go
and a lot of people to hang out with.
- And it sounded like fun. - [all cheer]
Joan: And it was fun.
[screams, laughs]
Interviewer: Good morning, Joan.
- Power to the people. - Interviewer: Yeah.
I mean, I don't believe it. [chuckles]
Interviewer: How was the trip?
Is that what it was? It was nice.
I loved the all-nighters.
Did heavy on the sleeping, heavy on the parties.
- Probably right after that... -[mellow music playing]
...I thought, aha,
I can make whatever record I want.
So, that next record, I was doing a lot of Quaalude.
And when it came around to doing a cover,
they had a really nice picture of me.
I looked a little tough in it.
I said, "Ah, no, I'm cooler than that."
And I put on goggles and that stupid thing on my head
and it was the worst, ugliest record cover,
not just in my career,
but in a lot of people's careers.[chuckles]
I wasn't aware of any of it.
I wasn't aware of thinking that.
I wa-- Actually, you know what? Too much Quaalude.
That was my drug of choice for eight years.
For me, what Quaalude did was knock down inhibitions,
you know, one layer after another.
All of it began to just kinda tumble in on my head.
Then it was like when the halls...
Suddenly, you're not feeling all the way up
and you wanna blame everybody else.
My career plunged off the abyss.
I was rudderless after that.
I was searching. I mean, I called it "in the meantime."
I would say that to the public, that I... I feel as though
this is in the meantime for all of us.
Definitely was for me.
♪ ["Shout" by Joan Baez & the Neville Brothers plays] ♪
♪ Shout, shout, Let it all out, oh ♪
♪ These are the things I can do without... ♪
Joan: The first Amnesty concert, I've no idea where it was.
[chuckles] And the bus left without me.
Yoo-hoo.
And then the oops, whoopsie, and came back to get Joan Baez.
[chuckles]
Oh, dear. How awful.
I mean, I'd worked with Amnesty. I'd formed Amnesty.
And it didn't matter. I mean, this was showbiz.
♪ Shout! ♪
[chuckles] Oy.
What a dope. [chuckles]
And also, thinking I could somehow
insert the politics into this scene,
which wasn't really possible.
[somber music playing]
Joan: I think it's in these strange quiet years
where I need patience.
And I also think that I have to be quite willing
to understand that I may not do anything
particularly grand for the rest of my life.
The search is in the doing. You don't probably get there.
But in-- in searching...
Um, well, that's my life at the moment.
Everything was off.
My relationships were off. My sleep was off, you know,
and I thought there must be another way to live.
Same time, I mean, I knew inside
that there was something monstrous in there
that I would have to deal with. I called it "a kernel."
That there was a kernel in there that had to be popped
or cracked or whatever.
Mimi: It's 5:29.
And finally, I got up and realized how angry I was.
Angry, angry, angry, angry.
And I kind of started...
hitting the pillow around the walls.
And I just lay down and cried for a while.
I'm broken.
Therapist: Now, just letting it go.
It's time...
to go within...
to that place inside...
and to possess its riches...
that you are beginning to discover.
Joan: I used to think the alternative
to black and white must be gray.
And to avoid living a dull life,
I thought in black and white, not just good or bad,
mind you, but perfect or damned,
gifted or worthless,
ethereal or demonic.
When I was half a century old,
I pitched myself into a sea of memories
and headed blindly for the marrow
of the inner core, me.
Dark, dark, dark.
I flailed about grasping at clues, recording dreams,
fighting for my life, and one day, came up for air
and began to see shards of color.
Slowly, I began to see and understand,
as the buried past unfurled itself
like a shredded and blood-soaked
banner before my eyes,
that I would have died had I seen it any sooner.
[videotape whirring]
Joan: Mimi called one day and just wanted to know if
I was interested in going to therapy,
specifically about some kind of abuse.
And she mentioned my father.
[mellow music playing]
Joan: Mimi has one memory that was solid,
and that was my father coming behind her,
and she was hanging up the clothes
and turning around, kissing her
and sticking his tongue in her mouth.
She finally confronted Popsy.
And, of course it was, "What are you talking about?"
"I... I could never have done a thing like that."
Albert: She said that she was out in the backyard,
hanging up clothes or something,
and I came over...
[sighs] What she said was that I kissed her on the mouth.
And that was...[sighs]
That probably was the greatest shock of anything
I've ever had in my life.
Joan Sr.: The story was that she was hanging up clothes,
and Al was out... came out from, I think,
studying in the house, and saw her.
And I think, in my brain it had nothing evil,
but I think that he was so overcome with affection for her
because she looked beautiful...
- Therapist: Uh-huh. - ...on a lovely day.
He went up and hugged her and embraced her,
and kissed her.
And she said a wet kiss, and that just freezes her.
Therapist: And maybe he was completely innocent
- in having done it. -Joan Sr.: That's exactly
- what I think. -Therapist: But... but...
but her experience of it...
Joan Sr.: It's... it's the other way, yeah.
Therapist: Was... was different.
Joan: The only memory that I remember
is... is more vague than that. It was just my father
being in bed with me in the afternoon,
like a naptime.
And I remember his face being close to mine
and... and him saying, "Don't look at me,"
sorta like scolding.
And that's all I remember of it.
I remember the place.
I remember the room, you know.
That's it. You know, for conscious memory, that's it.
You know, some people remember their childhoods.
They remember what they went through.
And for most of us, I think,
what you do is you bury that stuff
'cause it's really too difficult to deal with.
We talked about hypnosis.
He thought that if I could get down there somewhere,
I'd figure some things out.
So, it's a... it was a shock.
I mean, it was a shock a day, three days of therapy a week,
to haul these things out.
[somber music playing]
Therapist: You can move to your center.
To that place in the center of your being
that continues to move through time and space.
Memories come, memories go.
Feelings come, feelings go.
Relax the muscles in your eyelids
down to the point.
Feel that relaxation flowing from your eyelids.
The tension almost like a black liquid
just runs out the tips of your toes.
Come to the stillness.
Come to the quiet.
Or else you can go to that garden within, wherever.
Joan: I was taking a walk in the hills.
And...
I looked over the side of the road,
and I... And in my mind, I saw this big toad.
And I said, "Well, hello, toad" or whatever.
And it undid itself and revealed a baby.
And... and the baby was Diamond Joan.
It's the origin of the origins.
And it was a... this precious little altar that I...
I mean, what you do in your mind,
or what I did, was you take it.
You take it, and you try and care for it,
and make it safe.
[choral music playing]
[roars]
Joan: My creativity exploded when I was in the middle
of finding all these people.
And I drew all of it.
The animals were somehow clearest to me.
Wolf was ferocious, but would protect me.
Magar, the owl, was the wise one, the alchemist.
He made unbearable things bearable.
Watush is in charge of everything beautiful.
Music and beauty, that's her.
I know this is really hard for people.
I try to think of a way to say it that people
would possibly understand what I'm talking about.
Because I identified as a multiple personality, MPD.
I had many, many, many people emerge
with their little stories. And every little story
was a part of my life that had been a hindrance.
And then when they could emerge and talk about it
and explain it,
then it was a little bit of healing right there.
And then I liked it 'cause I liked these people.
I liked that it explained myself to me.
I liked it in a way that it was different.
You know, it was one more thing in my life
that was, um, interesting.
It was really interesting, and it still is.
But it came out of hell.
[suspenseful music playing]
Therapist: It has to be very centered on you right now.
Everybody else had their turn.
Now, it's your turn.
Joan: Every day walking around...
like a little personalized time bomb.
And that stuff wants out.
Therapist: You can take that power back.
Joan: This isn't crazy?
Therapist: What's crazy is that
there's this woman that hasn't been able to enjoy her life.
And the fruits of all the work that she's done.
We have time for one more person.
Can you find one of the ones that carries the anger?
Maybe someone that's been locked... away.
Joan: My memory process came through body.
My body moved, did things, said things.
Um, I didn't have snapshots the way some people do
from recovery. They see very clearly.
I never had that.
You couldn't kind of pin anything on it.
It's just feelings, icky feelings,
exhausting feelings.
And my father was...
somehow involved in that stuff.
And my mom, I just know she couldn't protect us.
[dramatic music playing]
Albert: I wanted it tape recorded, too.
- Therapist: Mm-hmm. - Albert: Because I want...
I want it to be on record. 'Cause otherwise
we... we remember what we want to remember, kind of.
Joan: We're still trying to find out how come we
hurt in the way we did...
- Albert: Yeah. - ...and you didn't see it.
Therapist: I mean, what... what... what did you miss?
- Do you know what you missed? - Albert: Of course not.
I mean, how could I know?
We're talking about the things that I missed...
- Therapist: Yes. - ...and that I'm not aware of.
Therapist: Right.
What didn't you see? You still don't even know
- what they're talking about. - Albert: Of course not.
[somber music playing]
Joan: Well, it's not rational what happened to us.
You know, it's not... [breathes deeply]
It's in the land of make-believe.
And so, most people don't believe it.
Joan: My parents
thought that my therapist had made everything up,
and Mimi's had made everything up.
Oh, Pauline never...
She didn't believe any of this stuff happened.
She stood by our parents.
I don't think you ever know for sure.
And I don't think that can be part of the recovery.
You can't remember exactly what happened.
Well, I'm smart enough to know that some are impressions,
some are that really happened, some that partially happened,
some that is just the feeling that it happened.
I'm open to that.
If 20 percent of what I remembered was true,
that was enough...[scoffs]
...to do the damage that it did.
But I can't prove anything.
Joan Sr.: I thought a big joy was having them all grow up...
[chuckles]
...happy, wonderful children. And here they are...
desperate in their parts because
they've got all these reasons.
- Therapist: Hm. - Joan Sr.: And it's...
it's terrible.
Albert: Hello, Joanie. This is Popsy.
I... I got your... got your message on my...
on my tape.
It... it just broke my heart to hear you weeping, Joanie.
I long... I long to be friends.
And I wish... I wish we were nearer
in every sense of the... of the word.
Take care, Joanie. I... I love you.
Bye-bye.
Joan: I was estranged from my dad for a long time.
Why try to get him to understand?
You know, there really isn't any point. He won't.
And I... and I believe that they don't remember,
the parents don't remember. I absolutely believe that.
It took me till I was 50, and I wanted to know.
And they don't want to remember.
[birds chirping]
Joan: I wanted to forgive as soon as I possibly could.
The light side of the darkness was all about forgiveness
and kindness and all that,
the good stuff from theBible and from the Quakers.
- [mellow music playing] - [birds chirping]
Joan: Forgiving my mom was easy just 'cause I was
so close to her and she was fragile.
She's been very ill and very close to death,
and we had all pretty much resigned ourselves to just
help her... help her on her way.
Joan's mom: Mm.
Mm.
- Oh. - [mellow music playing]
No more bite-ito?
[ECG monitor beeping]
Hmm.
That's Mimi's.
These are her drawings from her recovery.
I wish she had been able to conquer this shit, you know.
She always felt as though she wasn't quite there.
And I know the feeling
because once in a while, that same thing would happen.
But for the most part, to me.
For the most part, I got there, you know.
[gentle music playing]
Albert: Now, what follows will be myself at the piano.
[Albert playing piano]
Albert: I'm changing to a minor mode.
This is a piece that I wrote in the '40s,
when I was teaching at Wagner College.
Joan: I'm the last, yeah.
That's strange, too.
Yeah.
So, the two sisters died of cancer.
Mm, Pauline made it to 77 and Mimi to 50-something.
With Mimi, it was surely complicated.
From childhood on through to the competition to all of it.
And when Mimi was very ill and dying,
she was so pushing me away
that it was almost impossible to feel much.
All the love was there, and it was not available.
It's my makeup to resist feeling.
I don't know what allowed me to feel it with Pauline...
but I'm just glad that I could
'cause I knew that covered everybody.
Strange to have them all gone.
There's nobody to refer to.
Or some experience that we all shared.
My father, once in a while, I'd have a dream
that-- that reached that depth of sorrow.
Just something, little, tiny thing about him,
and his sadness at being alone
so much of the rest of his later years.
And I'd think, "Oh, why didn't he..."
"You know, why couldn't we have taken care of him
the way we took care of mom?"[sighing]
Joan: Demons still come and go a little tiny bit,
but not the way they used to.
It's-- I guess you'd measure-- I would measure it mostly
in diminishing phobias,
diminishing panic... panic attacks.
I am present in a way I could never have been present.
Got where I wanted to be,
something I could never have imagined before.
And I would call that being whole.
[music swells]
Crew member: Now, do you inhale and hold it or...
- [woman laughing] - You can if you want.
- It's not gonna get you far. - [laughs]
Joan: I think I used to feel
that I had to meet every single person,
I had to shake everybody's hand, and I had to tell them
what my latest cause was... [laughs]
...and how important I was in the world, you know.
But the singing or the feeling of freedom
even though it's not that free vocally...
I mean, not that much ease, vocal ease, now,
but that I'm not carrying the world on my shoulders.
And I really was for so long.
[crowd applauding]
Joan: But I think that I waited to the right time.
I wasn't ready a year-and-a-half ago,
and I wasn't ready a year ago.
Thank you. Gracias.
It's a nice period of my life.
Somebody asked me that the other day,
which decade did I like best? I didn't even take a breath.
- I said "This one." - [crowd cheering]
Joan: Yeah.
♪ ["Fare Thee Well" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ If I had wings Like Noah's dove ♪
♪ I'd fly up the river To the man I love ♪
♪ Fare thee well, my honey ♪
♪ Fare thee well ♪
♪ Some one of these mornings And it won't be long ♪
♪ You look for me And I'll be gone ♪
♪ Fare thee well, my honey ♪
♪ Fare, fare thee well ♪
♪ Woke up this morning It was drizzling rain ♪
♪ And in my heart An aching pain ♪
♪ Fare thee well, my honey ♪
♪ Fare, fare thee well ♪
♪ Fare thee well ♪
[audience cheering, applauding]
[indistinct chatter]
[mellow music playing]
[insects chirping]
Joan [from audiotapes]: Train's slowing down.
It's really beautiful out.
It's just dark clouds and green grass,
and a few trees.
I'm looking out the window at the moon.
So pretty, so pretty.
[humming]
Oh, my house, my house is just beautiful.
They put up a tree.
They put a tree
on the highest part of the house.
It's very peaceful up there.
[clicking tongue] Come on. Come on.
Good girl. Mom's gonna dance. She's gonna dance. Yeah.
[dramatic music playing]
Joan: Well, pals.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep
and miles to go before I sleep."
♪ ["The Dream Song" by Joan Baez plays] ♪
♪ I had a dream ♪
♪ I was following A barefoot girl ♪
♪ Beside a stream That flowed around the world ♪
♪ We spoke of many things Though her mouth never moved ♪
♪ As the most peculiar scenes Were disappearing into view ♪
♪ Oh, what a dream Beyond the realm of why♪
♪ Pretty little beings Beneath the yawning sky ♪
♪ Speaking of God As though they could define ♪
♪ Music to the deaf And color to the blind ♪
♪ Or God to man ♪
♪ And then the leaves Became a thousand tears ♪
♪ And I was on my knees In a crazy house of mirrors ♪
♪ Couldn't find my face but a oice was drawing nearer ♪
♪ Hush, baby, sweet baby ♪
♪ Hush, don't you cry It's all a dream ♪
[gentle music playing]