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[sander buzzing]
[faint choral music]
[choral music swells]
- [Congregation] Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread-
[soft atmospheric music]
[pen scribbling]
[bell tolling]
And deliver us from evil,
for thine is the kingdom of our Lord,
forever and ever. [music intensifying]
Amen.
- [Christof] God is dead.
God remains dead,
and we killed him.
And you thought you hadn't accomplished
anything in your little life, but hey, you killed God.
You can put that on your resume.
What sacred games must we invent to make up for it?
What festivals of atonement do we have left?
There used to be a code.
Not the toothless code of bros, but of gentlemen.
And this one time, and that's our story here today,
this one time, there was a group of boys,
excuse me, young men, who tried to invoke it.
Anyways.
[flames whooshing]
This is "The Duel".
[dramatic mysterious music]
[soft pensive music]
[waves crashing] [gulls calling]
[crow cawing]
[truck beeping]
[runner pants]
[exciting dramatic music]
[horns blaring]
[police sirens beep] [helicopter blades whirring]
[engine revving]
[people shouting]
[choir singing in foreign language]
[flames whooshing]
[exciting dramatic music continues]
- I'm gonna kill him.
[dramatic music swells]
[cheerful tiki music] [people chatting]
[flames whoosh] [patrons gasp]
[Sam sighs]
- It's fucking- [blows out candle]
This tiki bar is supposed to be
my place of refinement and relaxation.
- I am not the one who planned this conversation
in this stupid fucking place-
- Okay. - You did.
- What is wrong with this place?
- It's a rainforest cafe for adults.
- Tell me what happened
- [sighing] Uh, we started by texting.
- You started?
Who first? - Me first.
- How did you even get her number?
- Group chat.
- Jesus.
Colin, that is despicable.
- I know.
- When did it start?
- We started texting after that party
where she wore the blue dress.
- The what?
Are you a fucking psychopath?
What?
- You don't remember?
- What Abbie wore?
No.
No, I don't.
Because I'm not Jeffrey fucking Dahmer.
Was I even there?
- Yes, you were fucking there, Sam.
You won the beer pong games back to back to back to back.
- Okay.
And that's what you thought I would remember?
What Abbie wore?
But you know, people still do talk about that win streak.
- You still talk about it.
- Wait, that party.
That party was, what?
Three months ago?
- Yes.
- Okay, so y'all started talking,
and then y'all started fucking?
- [Colin] Yes.
- Three months ago?
- Yes! - Oh my fucking, this is bad.
This is really fucking bad.
- Sam, what-what can I do?
- [Sam] I don't know.
- [Colin] What is going to happen?
- I don't know, Colin.
But you cannot just ignore this
like you do everything else.
Something has to be done.
[cellphone chiming]
Ah, right on cue.
We got the address.
We gotta go.
- Go where?
- [Sam] San Diego.
- San Diego? - Mm-hmm.
That's where Woody's headed,
and that is where we need to go.
- Why? Why?
- I mean, I don't know.
Maybe because you fucked his girlfriend, or something.
[cigarette burning] [solemn music plays on radio]
- Where are we going?
- That's a great question, Kev.
It's a, it's a great fucking question.
I, uh, [chuckles]
I usually have an idea
where I'm headed, because I usually know where I've been,
because, because your past, your history, your history.
Kev, it's what keeps you anchored to reality,
and unlike the future, the past is known, it's certain.
It's safe.
It's why you don't ever expect it to lunge forward
and-and stab you in the fucking back!
And when you find this shit out, Kev,
this shit, this shit, that the past
isn't what you thought it was,
when you find that out, Kev, that you don't know,
you have no idea, what was happening,
what is happening, what's going to happen,
then where are you, Kev?
I'll tell you where you are.
You're in the void.
You and me, buddy.
We're in a car, and we're hurtlin' towards a void,
and everybody knows that's where we're headed,
because it's where we came from!
Fucking nothingness, man!
We're all gonna fucking die.
You ever think about that, Kev?
- Well, not that exactly,
but I do think about life sometimes,
but it just makes me sad.
So I just stop and think about baseball, or something.
I don't know.
[cars whooshing]
- What I need to understand right now
is out of all the girls in the world
who throw themselves at you, why her?
- Did they text you back yet?
- No, they didn't.
As a matter of fact, look at my lock screen.
Tell me what you see?
- [Colin] What?
- What do you see staring back at you?
- The four of us. - The four of us.
And how do we look in this picture?
- [Colin] Fulfilled.
- And how do we look now?
- Unfulfilled.
- That's because you killed it.
Okay? It's dead now.
I might as well change this to a picture
of-of Godzilla, or some little cat
or something like that. - You don't have to change it.
- Yes, I do.
And I need to change our friend group name
to-to the Dead Group now, because of you.
- It's not dead.
- It is dead!
And you killed it.
Ain't gonna be no more poker nights.
Ain't gonna be no more karaoke.
Ain't gonna be no more wiffle ball tournaments
in the summer.
Ain't gonna be no more Chili's, and you know how much
I love the smokehouse combo.
[urine trickling]
[crickets chirping]
- I love you, but this is stupid.
- This is how gentlemen settle their differences, Kev.
- Dueling?
- I guess I could have hit him with my car.
It just felt childish.
This is cleaner, and I want him to know
I'm the bigger man when I kill him.
- What if Colin doesn't wanna do it?
- Well he has to, 'cause you can't just say no to a duel.
- Why not?
I would.
- It's dishonorable, that's why.
- It's stupid. - It's not stupid.
- It is, and I wouldn't do it.
- Well he will.
Colin will.
- Why?
- Because he's my best friend, and he owes me that much.
One of. - Are you-
- One of my best friends. - Yeah.
- One of them. - Yeah, sure.
- I didn't mean it like that. - He's your best friend.
- One of my best- - Fine, yeah.
That's all good.
Loud and clear, heard you.
- I can have two best friends.
- [Kevin] No you can't.
[bell dinging]
- All right, so I looked it up.
It's an antique store.
- I don't know what color I want.
- This store specializes in dueling.
- Like, none of this is even juice.
Why try to invoke familiarity
with a substance that it isn't?
- Dude, it says that this place is like
the emporium of dueling.
- What?
- The art of gentlemanly combat
from a time immemorial stored forever
just outside of sunny San Diego.
- Fucking basically just picking between purple and blue.
- Colin?
Are you hearing me?
- Yes.
- I think he wants to duel you.
- What are you saying?
He hasn't even been in a bar fight.
- So if Woody fucked the love of your life,
what, would you just wanna talk it out?
- Well I wouldn't wanna fight me.
- Well, he doesn't wanna fight you.
He wants to duel you.
- Dude, what does that even mean?
You don't just go around dueling people.
It's fucking illegal.
- Well, according to Google,
it's an arranged engagement in combat
between two people and or idiots
with matched weapons in accordance
with prearranged rules.
- Wow, wow.
Yes, thank you for the dictionary definition of it.
What do you think is actually going to happen?
- Well, Colin, I don't know.
But I think we got more to worry about
than what blue juice you decide to get today.
- It's not juice. [engine starting]
It's not even fucking close to juice.
- It is watery juice.
- It's not juice at all.
- Just sit back and shut up
[engine revving]
[ominous theatrical music]
Well, there they are.
[lighter flicking] [cigarette burns]
- Okay.
Before we go through with whatever this is,
I have to tell you something.
- All right, what's up?
[soft music]
- I'm in love with her.
- Yeah, and I love carrot cake.
- What?
- I just thought we were saying things
that were useless.
- Seriously.
- Now let's go figure out how we die, Romeo.
[soft tense music]
[crickets chirping]
[dramatic foreboding music]
- [Kevin] What's up?
- Clearly nothing good.
- [Kevin] What happens now?
- [Sam] Well I think this is the part
with the axe murder.
- [Kevin] He doesn't have an axe, dumbass.
- [Sam] Is this place even open?
- [Kevin] Yeah, Wood said the guy's fired up.
- [Sam] About what?
- [Kevin] The duel, dude.
- Colin.
- Woody.
- Let's, uh, let's step inside.
There's somebody we should meet.
- Okay, Woody.
What is this?
Why don't we take a walk, you and me-
- Fuck you. Fuck your walk.
You couldn't find anything that made you happy
you didn't have to take from someone that loved you?
- [Colin] Okay, I should've started by saying I'm sorry.
- Oh, you're sorry?
- I've never been more sorry.
- You can't undo what you did.
And neither can I.
- And what did you do?
- I always thought that everything on earth
could be as fucking sordid as it wanted to be,
because I understood my little part in it.
Guess it was all a lie, huh Sam?
- [Colin] It's not all a lie, dude.
- It's just crazy to me how much of life
is relearning that Santa Claus isn't real.
But you took everything that you and I were
and everything that Abbie and I were-
- What the fuck did you do?
- And you set in fire-
- What the fuck did you do, Woody?
- [Woody] You set it on fire!
[punch landing] [Woody grunts]
- No, god! - Woody!
- What are you doing? - He burned my dad's board!
- He did what?
- You know what that means to me!
- [Sam] Wait, wait, wait!
Whoa, wait!
- Stop it, you piece of shit!
- You burned it! - Stop!
- [Colin] Why'd you have to do that?
[all shouting]
- Come on, stop!
- [Woody] Still not worse than everything
you fucking did! - Hey, hey, hey!
- [Woody] You know what the fuck you did!
[metal clanging]
[all shouting]
[soft tense music]
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
May I ask you what it is you think you are doing?
- We, uh, we were just...
- Well it appears that you're brawling
on my property, which is illegal, and rude.
- We weren't brawling, we- - You were brawling.
- You were kinda brawling, Woods.
- That's rude.
Woody.
- That's me, yeah.
- This is not what we discussed.
I invite you all to vacate the premises
before I call the authorities.
- Perfect.
That is our cue. - No.
- [Sam] Let's go.
- We want to do it.
- [Kevin] Woody, no.
- [Sam] Come on, let's just go.
- You said that you wanted to handle your differences
with Colin like gentlemen, that you would both
rise to the challenge.
Dueling is meant to silence the animal
in men's hearts, not let it out.
- We want to, we just don't know how.
- Both of you?
[soft dramatic music]
[soft tense music]
Welcome to Burrow's Little Shop of Horrors.
I really am excited that you made the trip,
well, I suppose now it's just begun,
so I thought it best to set the mood accurately for,
there's no one else there who is aware
of your whereabouts right now?
[soft country music playing]
Woody, you said that you were, uh, challenging Colin
to a duel.
Has that challenge been given?
Has it been witnessed?
- I challenge you to a-
- No, wait!
You slap him in the face with this.
- What?
- And you say, "I challenge you to meet me
"on the field of honor."
- Woody.
Don't you slap me with that-
[slap lands]
- I challenge you to meet me on the field of honor.
[Colin sighs]
- You don't want this.
- I know exactly what I want.
- Now Colin, you must accept or deny this challenge
here in front of your peers.
- I'm just as likely to get hurt.
- Fine.
I accept.
- Challenge accepted. [laughing]
Well, okay.
Okay, we must allow the challenged
to choose a specific style of combat.
- Maybe you guys should talk to Abbie or something.
- Abbie knows nothing about this.
- Yeah, well maybe she should.
- Fuck Abbie.
- All right, so what I have before me
is a pair of Prussian made dueling pistols.
We also have a pair of Italian rapiers,
and, of course, the two sabers
for the more-[sword sliding]
[sword clattering] Oh, Jesus Christ.
These tools have but one,
they have but one purpose,
to allow men, such as the two that we have here today,
to free themselves from shame
and accusations of avarice.
- Uh, Christof?
- [Christof] Mm?
- First of all, I-I love the place.
Love the decor.
But what is your deal, man?
Like, you just sit around here waiting for duelists?
- We do most of our business with collectors.
Dueling is a niche market nowadays.
- Okay, well that checks out.
What I'm trying to figure out
is who buys this shit?
- [Colin] Woody does.
- In theory, this should be just between
the two gentlemen here.
As for you two, you both are our seconds,
which means that each of you is your counterpart's
close friend and advisor.
It also means that the two of you
have to find our field of honor,
which in San Diego, I can assure you,
it won't be easy.
We need a place that aesthetically lives up
to the occasion, but at the same time is secluded,
because god forbid someone is injured or...
We shall want to avoid the ever watchful eye of the law.
- Okay, so not the parking lot?
- Obviously not.
- I think I know what he means.
- You think you know what he means?
What the fuck did he mean?
- I don't know, Sam.
I don't have any plan, okay?
I just wanted to get us out of there
because Woody's so wrecked by this whole thing,
because Colin fucked his girlfriend!
- Right, and it was a good idea for Woody
to burn his dad's board?
Are you serious?
- Sam, like that's the same thing, honestly?
- I honestly think it's worse, bro.
Did you have something to do with that?
- Did-did you know?
Did you know he fucked Abbie?
I need to know. - Kevin.
- Tell me.
- Did I know?
You told me!
- Okay, good.
Good. - All right, cool.
Don't know why you yelling at me.
[elevator humming] [gears cranking]
- Bushido Code, the Magna Carta,
the United States Constitution,
the Constitution again, "Wealth of Nations,"
another Constitution.
I ought to read the Constitution.
Ah, here we go.
"Code Duelo."
"Rules of Dueling."
Now Colin, before you choose a specific style of combat,
[clears throat] first we have to see
if we can resolve these offenses peacefully
by the book, of course,
"in the case of witchcraft and or sorcery",
noo, uh, this is a first edition.
Here we are, rule one.
"In order to secure honorable resolution as gentlemen,
the first offender is required to make the first apology."
Rule two, "if no apology is made, the duel must take place."
Rule three,"if it is unclear who made first offense,
the seconds shall decide."
Well.
- That's it? - Yes.
- Colin just has to apologize.
He slept with my girlfriend
and he sucker punched me outside.
- You're forgetting one little detail.
Like destroying the last thing my father ever made.
- After you slept with Abbie.
- Uh.
I see, there goes apologies.
Let me cite rule five.
"A physical blow is strictly prohibited
under any circumstances among gentlemen.
No verbal apology can be given for such an insult."
The alternatives, therefore, are the offender,
that would be you, Colin, must hand a cane,
uh, this, to injured party, Woody,
and you, Colin, must get on your knees,
beg Woody for a pardon,
while Woody strikes you repeatedly on the back.
In this case, the duel may be called off,
and there is no need for us to select weapons."
[slams book]
[cane clinking]
- So he got her number from the group chat?
- [Sam] Yeah, that's what we just said.
- [Kevin] Yep.
- Wow!
That's more than enough
to make a man lose his appetite.
- [Sam] Mm-hmm.
- What are your names?
- Oh, I'm Sam.
This is Kevin. - Sam!
- Ah.
- Kevin.
- Kevin, I'm Joey.
- Joey.
I like that name.
Joey.
- So what are you doing here?
- Man honestly, we are just stalling.
We're just trying to figure something out.
- Or until they calm down.
- Calm down?
- Joey, I like you, man.
What you getting into tonight?
Oh, both of 'em?
- You never know.
- [Sam] You look like a man who likes to party
- What?
- He's a cool dude.
- [Joey] Hmm.
- I don't know what that means, but I'm with it.
- [Kevin] No you're not.
- Yes we are. - No we're not.
- Come on. - That's cocaine.
- This means cocaine? - Yep.
- Oh. - Yeah, no.
- We doing it. - No.
- We like that. - No.
- Oh yeah. - Stop doing that.
Don't do that. - Come on, Kevin.
- No. - Yes.
- Okay. - Yes!
[gunshots firing]
[soft music]
- That almost never happens.
You are a veritable marksman.
- [Colin] Pistols.
- [Christof] Pistols.
- I choose pistols.
- Fine.
- Good choice.
These pistols are almost as old as this republic,
a time when things were built to last.
Nothing, and I repeat this, nothing that you have
ever done compares to what now lies before you.
[snorting cocaine]
- Joey, thank you, man.
We are a long way from LA.
- Now, come on.
I don't want to do cocaine on my own at Peppy Grills.
That will be fucking sad, right?
- This night is getting out of hand, huh?
- So this duel, it's going to happen,
but you guys have to find a field of honor?
- It's not gonna happen.
- What do you mean, it's not going to happen?
Something has to happen.
- Right, right, right.
Something has got to happen
or else what we doing?
We just doing coke in a Peppy's Grill bathroom
for no reason?
- Our food's gonna be out by now.
- I don't know anything about food right now.
Okay, we need to brainstorm.
- Jesus Christ, Sam.
- Like a real duel!
Like the whole old school thing?
- Yeah, exactamundo.
- Fuck! - Right.
- No, like fuck!
And you guys are their seconds, right?
- Right, yeah.
How, wait, you know about this shit?
How do you know about this shit?
- Hey, look.
We-we gotta get out there.
They're gonna think we're doing something weird.
- What they gonna think we doing, fucking?
- Ah! - What?
- So this dude fucked this other dude's chick.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
- And then that dude burned his dead dad's board?
- Right.
- Something has to be done.
The way I see it, if this is how
they wanna resolve this,
they have the right to do it.
That's American freedom right there.
Right?
But you don't have a place to do it.
- [Sam] That's the gist.
- Hmm, I think you're in
a pretty impossible position, right?
- Like I said, we've just been trying to burn-
- But you are in need of assistance, man.
You need a place without cameras,
a place that can handle death.
What you guys need is someone who understands
the importance of this, someone with a stunning estate,
someone like my boss.
- Wait, your boss has a field of honor?
- Fields, yeah, fields.
- Get the fuck outta here.
- So we've got two options here, fellas.
Keep doing blow and going to a nightclub.
[Joey vocalizing]
That could be one.
Or keep doing blow and find your friends
a fucking field of honor.
[Joey snorting cocaine]
It ain't in San Diego, though.
- I'm not saying we should take the word
of a would-be emperor, but Broadway would have us believe
that he regretted killing Alexander Hamilton,
and it was quite the contrary,
because he was very proud of that duel,
and Hamilton did accuse him of, uh, incest, so.
- I don't know what you're talking about
- Aaron Burr.
- [Colin] Who?
- The guy who killed Hamilton.
- I thought we liked Hamilton.
- Well, that depends on whether or not
you consider yourself a Federalist.
- He doesn't know what a Federalist is.
- I don't know why you find that weird.
- Since we don't know how long it's gonna take
your seconds to find an appropriate field,
how about I spin another tale of dueling for you,
and since it's just us guys,
let me paint you this picture.
1892, Russia.
Princess and a countess, broadswords, topless.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen!
We found it!
- [Christof] Good god.
How did you get down here?
- Oh, but it's not, it's not in San Diego.
It's actually in Mexico.
- We can't get to Mexico, you idiot.
We don't have passports.
- You're not going to need them.
- Hey!
Who is this guy?
- This is Joey.
This is my new friend.
- Yes, you would love it, sir.
Really antiquey.
Sure.
Who is in charge of details here?
- That would be me.
- This is the big man. - Oh.
- Go for it. - How exciting.
Thank you. - Go for it, go for it.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Hello.
- Hey, nice to meet you guys!
So who fuck who, and who burn what?
- Hey!
You-you guys want some burgers?
We can't eat 'em.
- Look, look, right here.
This is the harlot, right here.
She's ruining our lives.
- That's her? - Mm-hmm.
- Well her Instagram isn't too showy.
Mostly just nature and shit.
- She's a photographer.
- She's an email marketer who likes taking pictures.
- So what does he do?
- Hmm?
Who?
- Your boss.
[Joey sighs]
- Gentlemen, this is frankly amazing.
- How'd the call go?
- Calls, multiple calls. - Yes, yes.
- His boss, Rudolpho Fernandez Sorentino VII.
Anyone?
Anyone, no?
He's one of the most acclaimed and mysterious
collectors of antiquities on planet earth.
Can't help but feeling-
- Okay, sorry, sorry.
If you don't mind- - Yeah.
- Me butting in here.
[clears throat] Basically, guys, Mr. Sorentino
has invited you to use his quite frankly stunning estate
for your pew pew, dueling aspirations.
He's an admirer of what you guys are attempting to do, so-
- Wait, is this actually happening?
- Hey man, don't take this the wrong way,
but your boss, what is he, like cartel or something?
- Colin, what the fuck?
- Dude, you met this dude doing blow
in a Peppy's bathroom, and now he's saying
he's gonna bring us over the border without passports.
What the fuck?
- Yeah, but that doesn't, you shouldn't,
wait, yeah, Joey.
What-what's the deal with you, man?
- You know what Joey, can I field this one?
Yes, it's been rumored that Mr. Sorentino
uh, works, uh, on the darker side of pharmacology.
- What does that mean?
- He's a drug baron.
- Copy that.
- You know what?
Full disclosure, he just offered
to buy my entire inventory.
I'm not sure that I'm gonna sell,
but he's a fan, which is awesome.
I have a friendly rivalry with another dealer in town
who was swearing at me on the phone,
jealous that I even got a chance to talk to him.
I, no pressure, please, you gotta do this.
I think it's destiny.
- Yeah.
- Guys, I'm gonna follow your lead here,
but can we just go over this first, please?
We could go to Mexico, and we could get smuggled in
by a drug baron.
Or, and I know this is the craziest part,
you guys could just go home, sit down,
and talk to Abbie.
[soft old fashioned music playing]
Okay, drug tunnel.
- I don't know what the fuck is going on,
but this night is getting out of hand.
- That's what I've been saying since Peppy Grill's bathroom.
- Bro, I have never done so much cocaine in my life.
- I've never seen someone do so much.
Joey just doesn't stop.
- Well.
That's it.
- So you really think at the other end of this tunnel
is a stunning estate?
Hmm?
- Okay, what are you saying,
that I lied to you?
That we brought all the gear here for nothing?
That I would take you in there
just to kill you at the end?
Why?
I could kill you here.
I could just leave you stranded,
or I could shoot you with this!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! [all shouting]
- No one's being pressured to go into the tunnel, right?
I can't be more clear about that.
I'll give you your phones back,
and you can fuck off, okay?
- Joey, hey.
Why don't we put the gun away?
Mr. Sorentino wouldn't want you to frighten his guests.
- That is exactly what I'm saying!
Exactly what I'm saying!
- I could not be more concerned right now.
You're pointing a loaded gun at me.
You're sticking it right here.
Okay, come on.
- [Joey] No, you're fucking right.
You're fucking right.
- Why don't we give them-
- It's all good, it's all good.
- Okay, why don't we give these guys a moment,
and you and I can go grab the gear?
I think. - Okay.
Okay.
No one needs to be frightened.
Jesus, man.
Yeah, let's go.
- Hey, uh, Colin.
Uh, are you sure you wanna go through with this?
- It's a little too late to turn back now, don't you think?
- No, no, no, no!
This is exactly the moment to back out!
On the other side of the tunnel,
it will become a fucking problem!
- [Christof] Joey! - Okay.
- Colin, listen.
I-I know, trust me, I know you think you love her,
but that's a stupid fucking reason to die.
Love?
What-what the fuck is that?
That's just a brain chemical.
And one day, you're gonna sober up,
and you're gonna think about all the decisions you made
while you were essentially fucked up-
- Sam, hang on- - Okay, like me, right now.
And bro, I feel,
I just fucking feel like I pushed you into this.
- [Colin] You didn't.
- And I don't want you to think
that I pushed you into doing this.
- You literally had nothing to do with this.
- Okay.
Okay, tight.
Tight.
Fuck.
Oh fuck.
Okay.
Well, this is definitely the most interesting thing
we're ever going to do, huh?
- Shut the fuck up, Kevin.
- [Kevin] Shut the fuck up Kevin?
Shut the fuck up, Sam.
You're the whole fucking reason we're here.
- [Joey] Boat on the left, guys.
[Joey speaking Spanish]
Come on.
- This is fantastic.
I never would've imagined.
- Cops didn't have boats in the desert.
Come on.
[soft mysterious music]
[mysterious music swells]
[mysterious music continues]
[boat motor rumbling]
- I miss the tiki bar.
[cheerful mariachi music]
[all snoring]
- [Sam] Kev.
Kev!
[Kevin shrieks]
[gate clanging] [speaking over security radio]
[cars whooshing]
[cheerful mariachi music continues]
[Joey speaking Spanish]
- [Joey] Okay, come on, guys.
Come on.
[Christof laughs]
- [Christof] So this is Mexico.
- Actually, wait here.
Okay?
- What did I tell you boys?
If you're gonna do this, do it the right way.
- Man, I told you, Joey got the hookup.
- [Christof] And when you demand more from yourself,
you'll find yourself in more interesting places.
- I just don't think it was fair
I was supposed to expect this.
- Gentlemen, Mr. Sorentino expects you.
Please come in.
- It's okay.
[lively classical music playing]
- Holy shit.
- Don't swear.
- What?
- Ignore the staff.
This is more important.
Mr. Sorentino is aware that you didn't have
a chance to pack, so he will provide you proper attire
for this evening.
Now, house rules.
Pay attention.
All of you.
Mr. Sorentino does not tolerate foul language,
hats inside, or flip flops on men.
You are expected to hold yourself in appearance to account.
He's gracious, and lethal.
- What?
- Now stand up straight.
Good.
[classical music blaring]
- Gentlemen.
I am Rudolpho Fernando Sorentino VII.
Welcome to my house.
Welcome to my home.
Please, please come join me.
Though you may not have heard about me,
I've heard of you.
And it's always an unexpected pleasure
to have guests here,
or on any other Sorentino estate.
I am told that you are men of honor.
I find that fascinating.
- Sir!
- Christof.
An impulse buy, I must admit,
but your inventory so very charming,
I just couldn't resist.
- You are far too kind, sir.
- But, that is not the reason why
we have all gathered here.
A much more important transaction is at stake.
An affair of honor.
Mr. McKinley, I'm impressed by your initiative.
- Thank you.
- And you, Mr. Van Buren,
I'm impressed by your resolve.
- Uh, Colin is fine, thanks.
- Of course.
And are you also an admirer of history
and of the chivalrous arts?
- I wouldn't say that.
- No problem.
I'm sure you'll find things here
that will strike your imagination.
And of course, our seconds.
Great pleasure.
- Sam.
- Kevin.
- I'm sure that I will find reasons
to be impressed by you both, in time.
Shall we?
[mysterious music swells]
My daughter is not here to greet you at the moment,
a much more appealing host.
My house is like a hoarder's dungeon,
full of knick-knacks and things.
I am simply out of time,
both in my business and in my tastes.
Ah, this is the spa.
- It's occupied, sir.
- Ah, yes.
Can't get in there at the moment.
Well, let's keep on moving.
[Joey whistles]
- [Rudolpho] - Christof. - [Christof] - Hmm?
- [Rudolpho] - What do you think we have here?
- [Christof] They're just boys,
but they seem to be more than willing
to go through with this.
- [Rudolpho] [chuckles] To be a young man.
- Ah, yes.
Agreed.
- I've had to fight in my life.
I've tried to behave honorably
in the most dishonest of trades,
but to duel.
Sadly, that was never my destiny.
- Nobody was ever worth it.
- Hmm.
When do you think they should do it?
- I think that dawn is best.
- Gentlemen, I need your attention please.
We have decided the duel will take place at dawn,
so we must make haste in finding a field of honor
for our duelists.
Seconds, this is your duty.
Christof, I'm assuming you'll join us?
- [Christof] It will be my pleasure.
- [Rudolpho] Colin, Woody.
You are my esteemed guests.
Please make yourselves at home, relax.
Wander the grounds.
Anything you should need, please ask.
[soft pensive music]
[footsteps clatter] [woman shrieks]
[soft music continues]
[soft tense music]
- Mr. Rudolpho, I'm only gonna ask you this just once.
Have we died, and are you God?
- I think I'm closer to El Diablo.
Don't you think?
- See? I knew it.
I knew we were in hell.
- Oh Sam, this isn't hell.
This is Mexico.
- Is it?
- So, do you think this place might be appropriate?
Ah, I see.
You seem not sure if you believe that this is right.
- Rule 21.
Seconds are bound to attempt a reconciliation
before the meeting takes place.
[soft mysterious music] [birds chirping]
[soft mysterious music continues]
[Woody sighs]
[flames crackling] [clock ticking]
[insects chirping] [Colin panting]
- How much do you know?
- Everything but why
And for how long.
Why?
- I love her.
- You love her?
You love her?
- Yes, I felt like
I was falling out of my body or something.
- You felt like you were,
you're gonna Shakespeare me?
You gonna tell me her kisses
tasted like pomegranates?
- Woody.
- How long?
Still trying to decide if you're gonna lie to me or not?
- Yeah.
- You gonna?
- No.
- Well?
How long?
- Three months.
- Three months?
[laughing] Three months?
Three fucking months, Colin?
Three entire months, man?
What, what are you looking at?
What could possibly be more important than this?
- There's a lady.
- A lady, what's she doing?
- I'm floating. [playful music]
You must be the men who want to recreate the 1800s
in my backyard!
Yay!
- Three months? - Yeah.
- Three months, Sam?
- Gentlemen, I think we're losing focus.
The point is to resolve conflicts, eh?
Not to cause more.
- You know what I can't figure out
is what you're doing on Colin's side.
He's a pig.
Colin is a pig, Sam.
Just like that guy Joey.
- Gentlemen, let's calm down.
We don't wanna star another, uh-
- No, no, no.
Christof, Christof.
Let the young men finish.
Kevin, please continue.
- Fucking gentlemen?
I'm sorry but, Christof,
I just wanna go home,
without anybody getting hurt!
What Colin and Woody did was shitty!
We're all shitty people, Sam!
I just wanna go sit at a shitty restaurant
in our shitty city
and wait for this to just blow over!
Can we please stop pretending like we're all special?
[Sam sighs]
Everything is a Chili's!
- That's crazy, you sound exactly like Woody right now.
- Well you know what?
Sometimes Woody's right!
Even when he's saying his sad philosophical bullshit.
- People will line up for fucking for hours
to pay 600 bucks for neon shoes?
It's just you-you-you, fucking, you eat,
and you sleep, and you die,
and all you have are your friends,
and the shoes that you waited in line for,
and I feel like sometimes you just have to ask
are any of us worth more
than the plastic that we've thrown away?
You know?
- So it was three months, huh?
- So how'd you get the name Aphrodite?
- Uh, well my mother died in childbirth,
and my father is arrogant. [laughing]
Plus he's a classicist.
- A classist?
- No.
A classicist.
- Somebody versed in the classics, Colin.
Fuck.
- So, you wanted to marry her?
- I thought we might move in first.
- And then?
- And get a dog.
- Oh.
And then?
- And then something like a wedding, yeah.
[Aphrodite sighs]
- And you knew this?
- Yeah, I guess.
- So hold on, you also wanted to marry her?
- Well, I wouldn't say that, exactly.
It's never been about titles with me.
- Hmm, because she had a boyfriend, huh?
- Hey.
No.
Go ahead.
- It was about something deeper, you know?
It was about being with someone, moment to moment.
- Oh my god.
- Someone who made you feel safe,
and untouchable, invincible-
- Jesus Christ.
And I'm pretentious.
- Shh.
- After my dad passed away,
I felt like I hadn't been alone with someone
in a really, really long time, so.
- That's really, really lovely.
So you also love her?
And you're dueling Woody for her heart.
[Aphrodite squeaks]
- No.
Woody did something bad.
- Really, really bad?
- Really, really bad.
- So you're yelling now.
You're the guy that yells.
I just find that funny,
because I've known you for 10 years,
and you've never talked to me like that before.
I just find it rude.
You're just yelling and cursing
at Mr. Rudolpho's fine estate,
and you're making Chris uncomfortable.
- I'm fine, but let's avoid a rule 25,
or before we know it, we'll have our seconds dueling.
[both chuckling]
We're all having a good time.
- Fix the attitude.
- You couldn't find a solution,
so the duel must take place.
And this is not the perfect field of honor?
Is this not the perfect spot, huh?
- Oh, sir, absolutely.
I think it is perfect.
What-what was it that you said?
The perfect spot.
You know, you just have an eye.
You have a great eye.
- Okay.
Kevin.
- Um, sure, yeah.
It doesn't matter.
- It doesn't matter?
Okay.
Well, let's not worry about this now.
We have a lot to do, very little time.
We should get off and prepare for dinner.
Okay? - Yes.
- A voi tutti. - Ava tooty!
[glasses clink] [Sam chuckles]
- Very good. - What does that mean?
- To all of you. - To all of us.
Even him?
- [Aphrodite] So, what is this bad thing that Woody did?
- My dad died of lung cancer a year and a half ago,
and the last thing that he did
was make me a surfboard.
- [Aphrodite] Okay, that's nice.
And?
- And, uh, he was kind of a cool dad.
You know, woodworking was sort of his thing.
[soft music]
Woody and I have been best friends
since freshman year of high school.
And we would just surf and smoke
and hang out at my dad's shop, and,
and, uh...
- And his dad made the board while he was dying,
and I helped him with it.
And it was a big deal.
Last gift, and all.
It was the most intense thing that I'd ever done,
until I, uh,
until I took it to their favorite beach,
and I stuck it in the sand,
and I set it on fucking fire.
- The one that he made when he was dying?
- The one he made when he was coughing blood
into his hands,
and making Colin an orphan,
begging me to look after his son.
And I set it on fire.
[soft solemn music]
And I'd do it again.
[music fading]
[clock ticking]
- You know, you notice paintings more
when you don't have your phone.
- Nordic.
- Hey, where is everybody?
- I don't know.
Wanna hang out?
- Uh.
What'd you have in mind?
[sheaths sword]
- Join me.
[soft somber music] [Colin panting]
[cigarette sizzles]
Duels were fought in defense
of what the law would not defend,
a gentleman's sense of personal honor.
In 1808, two Frenchmen dueled in hot air balloons over Paris.
One was shot and killed along with his second.
[gunshots firing on screen]
35 years later, their cousins tried
to settle their differences by skulling each other
with billiard balls.
- So you're really just like this all the time?
- I'm really just like this all the time.
[knocking at door]
- No, Sam, fuck off!
- [Rudolpho] Kevin?
It's me, Rudolpho Sorentino VII.
Are you decent?
- I am.
Thank you again for today.
- Ah, please.
It was my pleasure.
- I should apologize for my language earlier.
- Kevin, you're now experiencing anxiety.
It's because you are a gentleman of your time,
a man of morals and values
that have told you that it is never appropriate
to hit another child at school,
or to stand up for yourself at work,
or to defend your honor, no matter what is done.
But I ask you this, is it okay to betray a friend?
- Uh, no sir.
- No, of course not.
Nor is it okay to destroy an object
of vast importance to the family.
But you would have your friends do nothing.
Please.
[Kevin breathing heavily] [soft mysterious music]
Please.
- I can't be more clear, sir.
I'm not a problem to you in any way.
- Excuse me?
- Well you know, just that like,
I will go with the flow on all of this,
just float on by like we did earlier in your cave river.
- This is not about you, Kevin.
It's about your friends.
And the fact that you prefer for this duel not to happen,
you prefer that they do nothing.
Resent, forgive, be like everybody else,
but they're not like everybody else.
These are men that you've esteemed with your time,
men that you should demand more of,
men who are right in trying to demand more of themselves,
to try and figure out how the sausage is made.
- I'm sorry, did you say sausage?
- I did. [pig snorting]
Now Kevin, I want you to look at these two creatures.
What is the difference?
- Sir.
- I'm speaking to Kevin.
- One is a pig, sir.
- [Rudolpho] Yes?
- [Kevin] And the other's a person.
- Hmm, you think so?
[tense music intensifying]
[gunshot fires] [pig squealing]
This is how the sausage is made.
[Kevin panting]
Is that a pig or a person?
- [Kevin] It's a pig.
- Huh?
- It's a pig.
- Is it? - It's a pig.
- Is that a pig or a person?
- It's a pig!
- Is this a pig or a person?
- It's a pig!
- Okay, fine.
- Sir-[gunshot fires]
[Joey crashes]
- How about that? [chuckles]
[Kevin panting]
Kevin, pay attention.
Are there two people or two pigs on the ground?
Hmm?
The answer is
there is nothing on the ground.
- What the fuck?
- Look, look.
This is how meaningless it can be
for people who live like nothing has meaning.
Look how they die.
This is what the world wants for you, your friends.
Nothingness forever. [chuckles]
[Kevin laughing]
[Rudolpho laughs]
- Oh my god!
- Laughing is right.
We are a cosmic joke,
unless we tell the universe,
this is not funny.
We are no one's joke.
You are not a punchline, Kevin.
Neither are your friends, neither am I.
Live for something, stand for something.
Die for something.
- Uh, I don't know what we do now.
- Nothing.
My staff is very well equipped.
[Kevin panting]
- Okay.
So, what, he was a, he was a pig person?
- Yes, a pig person.
He was a drug dealer, for god's sake. [chuckles]
- [Kevin] But aren't you a drug dealer?
- Listen, I wanted you to learn this lesson,
to see death.
It is so important.
I like you, Kevin.
- [Kevin] That's good.
[singer singing in Spanish] [gentle guitar music]
[singer continues singing in Spanish]
[band kicks in]
[singer continues singing in Spanish]
[brakes screech]
[people chatting]
[music fades]
[soft piano music]
[people chatting]
- [Guest 1] Oh look, is that him?
- [Guest 2] I believe so.
How interesting.
- [Guest 1] Not sure what to make of him.
[guests laughing]
[guests continue chatting and laughing]
- Champagne, sir?
- Who are these people?
- No idea.
You look very handsome, Colin.
It's nice to see you cleaned up.
[playing soft piano music]
- This day has gotten out of hand.
- [Rudolpho] En guard!
[guests gasping]
[sword clanging]
[bright exciting music] - Oh!
- Monte Cristo! [Christof laughing]
Oh!
[Rudolpho counts in Italian] [swords clanging]
[suspenseful music]
- It was not my sword, Mondego,
but your past that disowned you.
[gong clanging]
[guests gasp excitedly] [all clapping]
- Huh?
Not bad, eh?
- [Guests] Bravo! - Bravo!
- Aye. - [Guest] Well played, Rudolpho.
- Boys, men!
I see you met some of my guests.
Bravo.
- You look as God intended.
Destiny, men.
Destiny.
- All right, listen man,
I'm not trying to say I have all the answers,
but if you think you're not a part of the drug trade
just because you just work in the house,
that's bullshit, okay?
If you're making breakfast for the cartel,
you are quite literally fueling the fire.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you?
Drugs ruin lives, man.
How you think I got here?
Okay, come on, just.
[Sam sighing]
Hey, what's going on?
What are you dreaming? [pig squealing]
- Huh?
- [Sam] Is that orange juice?
- Sunny D.
- Sunny D?
[Kevin slurps juice]
- Yeah.
Sunny D.
- I'm not even about to do this with you right now.
Put your pants on.
You know we were supposed to be downstairs,
like, two minutes ago.
[bright mysterious music]
[party guests laughing]
What in the world are you doing?
- I'm coming down the stairs.
- No, no, no.
You acting weird.
- I'm trying to tell you something, Sam.
- We do not have time, man.
We already running late.
- The day is getting out of hand.
Things are crazy.
- You-you don't think I know that this shit is crazy?
Why you think I've been being so nice to Rudolpho, okay?
I am terrified.
We have spent the entire day with a drug baron
in a place that's apparently Mexico,
but we have no way of determining that.
We got on these fucking weird ass suits
like we on the fucking Titanic,
and I'm fucking drowning right now,
and I'm reaching out to you for help,
and what you doing?
You sitting around drinking children's juice-
- Sunny D.
[Sam sighs]
- We are not just ourselves anymore, Kevin.
We are representing our best friends,
and our new friend, Joey.
- I'm trying to tell you something about Joey.
- Kevin.
Right now, I need you to clean it the fuck up.
- I'm not a cosmic joke.
- What?
- I am not
a cosmic joke.
Okay?
- What are you talking, Kev?
Kev, come here!
- And so they come to my place of business,
these fellows, who want to have a duel,
and to be frank, I didn't think there were
any gentlemen among the younger generation,
just mostly hype beasts.
- Uh-huh. [party guests chuckle]
And what gentlemen they are.
Tonight, we shall have dinner, and then some drinks,
and an early night, because tomorrow,
right at dawn, these men will answer the question
in their hearts.
Where else but at Rudolpho Sorentino VII's house
will you see such a duel, I ask you?
- Papua New Guinea.
[guest clears throat]
Strong honor culture.
Headhunters.
- Yes, well, an event like no other,
I promise you that.
- Event?
- Yes. [chuckles]
What else would you call it?
A pageant?
A performance?
[party guests chuckling]
- I'm sorry.
Who are all these people?
Are they also drug barons?
[doors opening]
- Hey, our seconds have arrived.
[guests murmuring] [soft classical music]
- Well done, men.
- Oh my god, it's a party.
- Incredible!
Wow!
Woo-hoo!
- What in the world is up with this dude?
- Oh god, that looks good!
It's good to be here!
- I know, he's killing it, right?
- No.
No, he's not killing it.
- Wow, looks incredible,
god, my goodness!
- I mean, the man clearly enjoys
the high society lifestyle.
- Shush, shush.
Kev!
Kevin!
- What's up?
I'm-I'm actually really glad you guys
called me over here.
We gotta talk about something.
- No, no, no.
We don't have time to talk, okay?
We need to deal with the fact
that tomorrow morning, our two friends
are gonna blow each other's heads off.
- The heads don't actually come off.
- What are you, what is this?
- There are an awful lot of guests here.
- Yeah, what is Rudolpho trying to set up,
a WWE smackdown?
- More like a wedding,
but at least in this case they have the decency
to admit that they're trying to kill each other.
- [Rudolpho] Gentlemen, ladies, your attention please.
If you would follow me to the dining room to feast
with our two young heroes.
I have one final surprise.
[exciting classical music]
[guests chatting]
[all murmuring]
- Does anyone actually know if we're in Mexico?
- I was thinking the same thing.
Nobody's speaking Spanish.
- Rudolpho speaks Spanish.
- He's speaking Italian.
- Why would he speak Italian?
- My guess is because he's Italian.
- Who's that wine for?
- Now that we are all settled,
to have these two men here with us is such a treat,
so I decided to surprise them in turn
to a treat of their own.
I cannot take all the credit.
It was Aphrodite's idea.
She told me, actually, Aphrodite, what did you say?
- Well, I said it seems crazy to have all this
be about a woman and not even get to meet her.
I think a modern woman deserves agency.
She's integral to this whole event,
to the story.
- Ah, maybe that's true.
So without any further ado, please welcome
[exciting dramatic music]
Abigail Williams.
[guests murmuring] [soft mysterious music]
Please, join us.
At the end of the table.
- Thank you.
[guests whispering]
[chair scraping]
[music fades]
Hi, guys.
- Why did you come here?
- How did you get here?
- Hmm.
How did I get here?
[exciting upbeat music] - She's that one, right?
That one. - Yeah, yeah.
- Abigail Williams.
[Joey shouts in Spanish]
[Abbie screaming]
[doors slamming] [Joey shouts in Spanish]
- Hello!
You must be Abigail.
We are going to have so much fun.
You want to have a spa day?
- I love spa days.
[Aphrodite giggles]
- She loves it.
And you're gonna be the big surprise.
Isn't that fun?
- I'm the surprise?
- That's right.
And all your friends will be there.
- You invited my friends? - Mm-hmm.
- Like Cami, and Maggie-
- Oh no, no, no.
I don't know who they are.
I'm talking about Woody and Colin and Sam and Kevin.
- Ugh.
No, those are my boyfriend's friends.
- Did you say boyfriends?
Oh, I know.
- You know?
- There is a lot you're gonna get caught up on.
- You're so pretty.
- Yeah.
So, when Joey texted me about your boyfriends,
I'm like, this is an opportunity we can't miss out on.
This is my dad's biggest dream.
Let's do it, let's party.
And my apologies-[Abbie crying]
we're gonna have salmon.
I had a whole conversation with the chef
and we had to-[Abbie crying]
[Abbie crying]
[bright atmospheric music] [singer vocalizing]
[bright atmospheric music continues]
And after dinner, we'll retire to our rooms,
the men will go for brandy and cigars,
and if I know my father, they'll all recite poetry.
- They don't know any poetry.
- But they-they are educated adults
in their late 20s.
- Yeah.
Why is that weird to you?
- Because it is.
- No, this is.
All of this is.
And I'm, ow.
I am going to stop it.
- You think this is weird?
You are weird.
And you are the one who somehow turned
two perfectly normal men into Musketeers,
or knights, or heroes.
- What are you talking about?
How do you know see how stupid this is?
- I think this is very romantic.
They-they wouldn't die for-for money,
or their country, or their church, no.
They would die for you.
- That's crazy.
This is crazy.
- Yeah.
- You're crazy.
- You know what's crazy?
Insulting somebody who just kidnapped you
in their own home.
[knocking at door]
Ooh, almost time! [giggling]
Okay, let me do it.
[Aphrodite grunting]
- Jesus, how do you breathe in this thing?
- You don't.
- That's how I got here.
- Lengthy.
The food has been marvelous.
- Oh, please.
Thank you.
- Are you okay?
- Oh, Abbie's fine.
Apparently she had a spa day.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I didn't ask to have a spa day, Sam.
- Stop talking to me.
- This is crazy.
You kidnapped her.
I'm getting you out of here.
Rudolpho, I want your word of honor right now
that Abbie's completely safe,
and is gonna be taken home as soon as possible.
- This duel isn't happening until Abbie
is taken home safely.
She doesn't belong here.
- [Woody] I just said that.
- You're not getting me out of here,
I'm getting you out of here.
- She has nothing to do with this.
She's never had anything to do with this.
- What are y'all talking about?
She has everything to do with this.
This is her fault.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe they should be excused, have some privacy.
- Gentlemen, madame, please.
Everyone is free to go whenever they please.
- Yeah no, I couldn't.
- I can arrange transportation tomorrow morning.
- Hmm.
- But I'm sure you'd agree,
you haven't exactly been kept in a dungeon here, have you?
- [laughing] It's crazy down there!
- I am not leaving until we're all leaving.
- Oh good!
You'll stay with me and watch the duel.
- Woody?
You don't need to do this.
I know what I did was insane and horrible,
and I-I will own that.
But what you are doing,
do you see what you're doing?
Did you not just hear my story?
I was drugged, I was kidnapped.
I don't even know how I got my nails done.
- Kevin. - What?
- How can you eat at a time like this?
- You should eat.
- No, I don't want to eat.
They're about to duel tomorrow,
and you're just acting like nothing is going on.
- I-I get it now.
- What do you mean, you get it now?
- Sometimes these things happen, okay?
We can figure this out, Woods.
Please.
Don't throw it all away.
- Why are you drinking?
This is expensive wine, you're drinking it
like it's juice.
- It's unlimited, it's free.
- And why are you holding your hand out
like he just works for you?
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
You didn't even see thank you.
See, you ain't got no manners.
- [Abbie] This is not how life works.
- It's how it did.
It's how it should.
- Ah, Woody.
- If you get killed, who calls your mom?
- [Woody] Excuse me?
- Who gets the bodies back home, hmm?
- Mm. - Oh, don't worry, Abbie.
I'll take care of everything.
If we're visited by death,
I will take care of the burial costs.
It'll be my honor.
Or cremation, or freezing,
or whatever other nonsense you young people do these days.
- Eco pods.
- Woody, I wanna go home with you, okay?
Let's go home, and let's just talk.
Something went wrong with us,
and I-I messed up, okay?
And I have never been more sorry in my life.
- An exact replica of Hunter S. Thompson's funeral
for me, please.
- Expensive.
I like it.
- Really great, Colin.
Super helpful.
- Oh hi, Abbie.
I didn't know you could see me.
- Was it all a lie, Abbie?
Did you ever love me, you know?
- I do love you.
Right now, I love you more than I ever have.
- It's interesting, because he loves you, Abbie.
How the fuck did that happen?
- I wanna go home.
- What, so you're saying baseball isn't baseball?
- It's changed.
- What's changed?
- It's different.
Guys are all mutants right now.
- Mutants?
- You think those guys have ever eaten a hot dog?
- Are you joking?
- They used to smoke cigars in the dugouts back then.
Better time.
- What?
What's that even mean?
- You're making a mess over there.
You're just shoveling the food in your face.
- That's what Babe Ruth would do.
- That's true.
- What are y'all talking about?
- Baseball.
- I understand why you felt the need to do this.
I do.
You're not crazy.
I mean, you are.
But your own specific brand of crazy.
That's what I love about you.
In some fucked up way,
this is also you.
But Colin?
This isn't him.
I don't even know how you got him to do this.
- What?
- Colin, can you please-
- What isn't me?
- All of this.
The duel, the-the situation.
I mean, it's clearly Woody's thing.
- Why?
- Because I know you,
and this is, like, Woody's thing, okay?
And you're, like you're chill.
- I'm chill?
- [Abbie] Yeah.
- I'm chill.
Chill, I'm chill?
I'm chill?
Why, because I'm from Venice?
Because I smoke weed?
Because I like to surf?
And because I just let things happen, right?
- Colin, hold on.
I'm not trying- - No, you hold on.
Our interactions ruined my relationship with Woody.
Someone I have loved like a brother.
A brother, Woody.
For years.
[slams table] [guest gasping]
They ruined your relationship.
They ruined my reputation.
And I'm supposed to be chill?
Is that what you think of me?
Is that how I'm going to be remembered?
Sam, Kevin?
Chill?
I'm chill?
- Colin, I- - No, I'm not chill!
I'm not chill.
- I don't understand.
- You don't understand.
Woody burned my dad's board.
He burned it to hurt me
like I hurt him, like you hurt him.
When are we gonna take things seriously?
- This is toxic masculinity.
[Rudolpho chuckling]
- Toxic masculinity.
That's very good.
- Unbelievable.
Well, Woods?
How about right now?
- Right now?
- Right now.
Aren't you ready?
[chair squeaking]
- Gentlemen, I must remind you
that the honor of a duel is to avoid
acting upon animal instincts,
but to behave deliberately as a tribute
to your status as men.
- I've never behaved more deliberately
in my entire life.
Rudolpho, can we do it now?
- Woody, no.
- Of course.
It can be done.
Perhaps it'll be a fitting finale to this evening!
Should we wait for dessert?
- No, no, no, no.
- Huh?
No, so let's just take our dessert to the field.
- Good.
Get the guns.
- He just big dogged me.
- Yeah, he took control down there.
- Jesus Christ.
- He-he just took over,
and now somehow he's the good guy?
- Mm-hmm.
- What?
- Right.
- Like, it's, I'm not saying that's what happening,
but it feel like this was supposed to be
your moment, and he just hijacked it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I-I'm sorry, Woods,
but it feels like a lot of people
are Team Colin now.
- Team Colin?
- Yeah.
- Do we even know who these people are?
Can you hold this?
- Do we even know who these people are?
- Yeah!
- Honestly, no.
How-how would I, do you know who these people are?
- No.
- Of course I don't know who these people are.
- Thank you.
- I don't know who this is.
- What's your name?
- [Sam] She's crazy.
Man, I mean, what?
What was that?
She's just, she's just, throwing herself at Woody
like-like you never even existed.
She got both of y'all just thinking
that you're in love with her,
and she just, she just rolling around in it
like she's the fucking princess of true love.
I don't know of how many different ways I can say this,
Colin, but it's not real.
- Brain chemicals, right?
- Yes, that is exactly right.
- But you are here.
In Mexico.
- And?
- On a boat.
In a drug tunnel.
- I-I am aware of this.
- You stood by me.
Even before you knew about my dad's board.
You love me.
Don't try to explain it away.
You love me, Sam.
And you love Kevin.
And you love Woody.
You three are only family members I had left.
If that's not worth fighting a duel over,
then I don't know what else would be.
- The thing is, Kev, I am the good guy.
- Woods, I know that.
But what Colin did down there,
that was exciting. - Yeah.
- I mean, it's probably what won Abbie over.
- God, he's such a piece of shit.
- No.
He's a pig.
- I'm not sure that he's a pig, but-
- No, you listen to me.
He is a pig.
Colin is a pig person.
[glass clinking]
Just like that fucking guy Joey.
- All right, man.
- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have-
- I gotta, I gotta focus on the thing, and-
- [Kevin] I know, I know.
You look good.
- Yeah?
- Honestly, it feels like I'm at your wedding.
[knocking at door]
Okay.
- [Abbie] Woody?
It's me.
Can I talk to you alone for a second please?
- No!
- All right, well I'm just gonna talk, and you can listen.
I know I fucked up really bad,
but I think I was just so scared.
You've just always known what you wanted,
and I-I never made any permanent choices
out of fear of regretting them,
so I-I never decided what I actually wanted.
Look, being here,
wherever we are,
I don't even actually know if this is happening,
but I know what I want, Woody.
And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
If it was up to me, you and I,
we would get on a plane to Vegas right now,
and we would get married.
Or, fuck it!
We could do it here.
I don't care, in front of all those people.
I love you so much,
and I am sorry that I had to hurt you
in order to realize that.
And I will spend the rest of my life
trying to make that up to you.
I just wanna be with you.
Or,
or you never have to speak to me ever again.
If that's what you want,
then I would understand that.
- She doesn't know what she wants.
- You can forget about me,
and I won't bother you.
Just please, Woody,
please, do not do this.
[soft dramatic music]
I can't watch you do this.
[Woody scoffs]
Please don't do this.
[footsteps retreating]
[both chuckling] [flames roar]
[all cheering]
- Oh my god, it's so good! - Right.
[Rudolpho speaks Italian]
Ah.
- [Abbie] Are you two excited?
- I am sorry?
- Got them all boozed up.
They're ready.
Honor and all that.
- Oh, Abbie-
- You know, my father used to talk about war,
how brave men fought for our freedom
and all that shit.
Like he was jealous.
All my father ever did was raise a family and provide.
Not that much honor in that though, I suppose.
- No, no, very honorable life.
- He always thought that "Saving Private Ryan"
was a little bit more real than car runs,
that he was some failure of a man.
My father never killed anyone.
- Abbie-
- He never played on a football team.
I am asking you both now
to be real men, like my father.
To stop this this minute, this second.
They should not be here.
None of this should be happening.
Your-your nostalgia, or whatever it is,
is not more interesting than their lives.
If there is dishonor, let it be mine.
If there is anger, point it at me.
But if you are men, don't let boys die.
- But they're not boys!
- They're not playthings, either!
They're not the lives you didn't live!
Give them back to me!
Don't you dare throw them away.
- All we do is provide the means-
- Oh, oh of course.
Like the drug dealer you are.
- [Rudolpho] Hey, hey, hey.
- Ah, look.
What they want-
- [Abbie] They don't know what they want!
- You cannot know the hearts of men-
- Please!
- What, [clears throat]- - Ah, don't you see
how beautiful it's gonna be?
- All I see is vanity.
- [Rudolpho] I'm so sorry, then, for you.
- "Tell me not I am unkind,
that from the nunnery of thy chaste breast and quiet mind,
to war and arms I fly.
True, a new mistress now I chase,
the first foe in the field,
and with stronger faith embrace a sword,
a horse, a shield.
Yet, this inconstancy such,
as you two shall adore.
I could not love thee dear so much.
Loved I not honor more".
- [Christof] Lovelace.
- Ah!
I just learned it today!
[Rudolpho speaks Italian] [Christof chuckling]
- Favorite poet.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god.
You guys are fucked.
You're fucked.
- [Rudolpho] What did she say?
- My god, I couldn't get two words out edgewise.
What a buzzkill.
- Don't do this, man.
- Aren't you Catholic?
- Yeah, why?
- I am too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- How come I never knew this?
- No one talks about anything anymore.
[soft solemn music]
[footsteps clinking]
[guest grunts] [liquid spilling]
[guests chatting]
[soft solemn music continues]
- Fuck!
You are the greatest thing your father ever did.
You are his legacy!
[party guests chatting] [crickets chirping]
[soft solemn music continues]
- So, you call the seconds,
you count the steps, and then you blow the whistle, yes?
- Yes.
- Will you pray with me?
- Yeah, man.
- Hail Mary, full of grace,
the lord is with thee.
- Is he praying?
Has he always been religious?
- I don't know.
But they're eating it up.
- Son of a bitch.
- Blessed are thou-
- We're still honest to god atheists though, huh?
[Kevin chuckles]
- Why look for a reason to believe now?
- Yeah, it's a little late to find Jesus.
- He could be in that bush over there.
- Nah.
Then I'd have to pick a denomination,
and I don't think we have the time.
- Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus-
[Kevin sighs]
- If Jesus did show up right now,
he might be able to take that knife out of your back
- Pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen. - Amen.
[Colin exhaling]
- I think it's time, no? [chuckling]
Let's do it.
- Seconds!
- Be safe, Woods.
- Yeah.
- I'm rootin' for ya.
[soft solemn music swelling]
[case creaking]
[soft solemn music continues]
- Powder.
[powder pouring]
That's good.
Powder.
[powder pouring]
Ball.
[metal clinks]
[both tamping powder]
Mr. McKinley!
Mr. Van Buren.
[footsteps rustling]
[pistols clinking]
- Oh good, you're here!
I'm glad!
Good choice.
- You're celebrating this insanity.
I'm gonna be the one who has to deal with it.
- I know exactly where I am right now.
- So do I.
- Abbie, look around.
This is amazing!
This whole event is for you!
You should be proud.
Fuck.
- Colin, Woody.
Can you look at me?
Inside you said I didn't understand.
But I do.
Yeah, I-I understand.
And I want you to know
that if you do this,
I will not remember you as brave serious men.
No, I will remember you as stupid little boys.
So.
For the love of God,
please don't do this.
[cocking pistols]
- I will count out the paces.
On 10, I will blow this whistle,
you will turn, and fire.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
[crickets chirping]
[blows whistle]
[gunshots firing] [shots echoing]
[people chatting] [crickets chirping]
[cheerful upbeat music]
[all cheering]
- Ques ca se, bitch! - Whoo!
- Hey.
- Oh my god.
- Are you thinking about Charlemagne again?
- Constantly, it's constant. [both laughing]
Every night with him.
I'm gonna get a beer.
- Okay.
♪ Listen baby ♪
♪ It may be factual, may be cruel ♪
♪ I ain't lying ♪
♪ Everybody plays a fool ♪
♪ Falling in love is such an easy thing to do ♪
♪ And there's no guarantee that the one you love ♪
♪ Is gonna love you ♪
♪ Oh, loving eyes, they cannot see ♪
♪ A certain person could never be ♪
[deep rumbling]
[gunshots firing]
[flames crackling] [crickets chirping]
[both falling]
[flames continue crackling]
[all slowly applauding]
[all chatting excitedly]
["Nobody's Fool" by Dan Penn]
[flames crackling] [waves crashing]
♪ Nobody's fool ♪
♪ This heart has never been broken ♪
♪ I kept my eyes wide open ♪
♪ Every time she said she loved me ♪
♪ Nobody's clown ♪
♪ No, I never joined that circus ♪
♪ I played it cool ♪
♪ I'm nobody's fool ♪
♪ Nobody's toy ♪
♪ I wasn't made to play with ♪
♪ Just love 'em and leave 'em ♪
♪ That's my game and I got to remain ♪
♪ Nobody's love ♪
♪ Nobody's bread and butter ♪
♪ Yeah, I played it cool ♪
♪ And I'm nobody's fool ♪
♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪
♪ My day belongs to me ♪
♪ When I come home in the evening ♪
♪ My nights belong to me ♪
♪ I feel so free ♪
♪ So doggone free ♪
♪ I feel so free ♪
♪ So doggone free ♪
[music fading]
[exciting dramatic music]
[choir singing in foreign language]
[exciting dramatic music continues]
♪ I hadn't anything ♪
♪ Better than health ♪
♪ None but the poor feller's portion of wealth ♪
♪ But I had ambitions ♪
♪ To better myself ♪
♪ And some might remember my name ♪
♪ And she came to me often ♪
♪ In cerulean lace ♪
♪ And light in her eyes ♪
♪ And with blood in her face ♪
♪ She bared me there ♪
♪ In a tender embrace ♪
♪ She sang me a lady's refrain ♪
[soft folk music]
[music fades]