MAN: ♪ Seven billion people in the world
MAN AND WOMAN: ♪ You and I are just two
♪ Seven thousand million people
♪ Two of them are me and you
♪ Who are you looking at
♪ Whenever you look at me?
♪ What do I look like when you see who you see?
♪ Who am I looking at when my eyes look your way?
♪ Who is it that I'm speaking to
♪ When I call out in order to say?
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(DEVICE POWERS UP)
(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WATER RUNS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello? I just got to the hotel room.
MAN: Well, get over here, man.
I was gonna go see my sisters tonight
and come see you tomorrow.
Oh, really? We, um... shit. He... he's coming.
He's coming tomorrow, not tonight.
-WOMAN: Why? -MAN: It's OK. Yeah.
I should have clarified that.
Vanessa was planning on making dinner.
I should have clarified.
Uh, the baby is waiting to meet you.
I'm waiting to meet the baby.
She's so fucking awesome. You'll see.
She's gonna blow your mind.
-Uh, OK. What time tomorrow? -Um, three?
Is three good for tomorrow?
-Four? -Four?
VANESSA: Five? Four is fine.
-Five? -VANESSA: Four is perfect.
-MAN: Four it is. -OK, see you at four.
-Tell Rachel and Maggie hello. -I will.
All right, dude.
(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)
(PHONE RINGS)
WOMAN: Hello.
-Hi. -Where are you?
-The hotel room. -Aren't you coming over here?
No, I was gonna go to Scott's
to see his baby today and see you tomorrow.
OK. Did you tell Maggie this?
I texted Maggie, like, three times
but she hasn't gotten back to me.
I think it's some kind of digital detox.
She's not using her phone at the moment.
She was just assuming you were coming here
so she was gonna show up at the house if she could.
You should have told me your plan.
I thought I did. What does that mean,
she's not using her phone?
(LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER)
Hey, does Dennis still work here?
-What? -Is Dennis here?
You gotta speak up, man. The music's too loud.
-Dennis. Does Dennis work here? -Who has it?
No. I'm looking for Dennis.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(TV PLAYING)
-Dennis, hi. -Eric.
I saw the light was on so I thought you weren't asleep.
I would have called, but I don't have your number anymore.
I got a new phone and I couldn't figure out
how to get all my old contacts onto it.
-OK. -Yeah, uh...
I did leave a message on your Instagram yesterday.
Hmm, I didn't see the message.
It said that the message was read,
but maybe you just skimmed over it.
So you're visiting?
Just for the weekend. Scott had a baby.
-I'm here to see Scott's baby. -Who... who's Scott?
-Scott. You don't know Scott? -Who is he?
I thought you knew him.
Anyway, I came to town to see his baby,
and I thought I'd check in with you.
What are you up to tonight? Busy?
I'm just chilling. Watching this... documentary.
-Still play poker? -Not... not very often, no.
Over at Josh's house?
Speaking of babies, Josh just had a baby, so that's...
You guys play any spontaneous games anymore?
Could we make that materialize
if you told him I'm in town and we want to play?
I'm halfway through the documentary.
ERIC: After the documentary.
I plan on going to sleep after the documentary, Eric.
You don't think you'll get a second wind?
No, not tonight, Eric. No.
What about a game tomorrow night?
DENNIS: I'll ask Josh if he's interested.
That'd be fun, wouldn't it?
Thank you.
Hey.
-Hey. -Where's Maggie?
Uh, she's meeting us at the diner.
Aren't we running late?
I thought we said breakfast at ten.
-It's ten now. -We're not late.
-ERIC: Hey. -RACHEL: Hey.
That's still how you hug people?
Why don't you hug me like you haven't seen me for three years?
So how was your flight?
Did you watch any in-flight entertainment?
They didn't have any movies on the plane.
-Oh, bummer. -(MACHINE WHIRS)
ERIC: You look good. When did you dye your hair?
RACHEL: A year ago.
Oh. OK. I didn't... I didn't really know that.
Well, you would have,
if we'd ever Skyped or FaceTimed or whatever.
I dyed it the day after Rosie died.
Oh, good old Rosie. So it was like a symbolic thing?
RACHEL: No, I just did it.
I didn't think it meant anything.
I think I just needed something to do that day.
No, I just meant it could easily be construed
as a symbolic gesture.
-You know, mourning or whatever. -Hmm.
Well, she was Mom's dog, not mine.
I wasn't even that sad when she died.
In fact, I was pretty fucking happy about it.
Well, I liked Rosie.
RACHEL: Well, you never lived with her.
Never saw her staring at you
with her beady little soulless eyes from her doggie bed
like your only worth in life was being her food dispenser.
But I guess being her inheritor,
it was my cross to bear and mine alone.
ERIC: Is Nathan coming to breakfast?
RACHEL: I told you, like, the same week that it happened
that Nathan and I broke up.
I remember the last time you broke up, a year ago,
but you got back together.
And then we broke up three months ago
and I told you the same week that it happened.
-I don't think you did. -I did.
But we didn't talk about it in detail
because I didn't feel like it.
I said, "Nathan and I broke up but please, let's move on."
-You want to talk about it now? -Not really, no.
-ERIC: Is that her? -RACHEL: No.
ERIC: No.
-(CAR DOOR SHUTS) -MAGGIE: Hello.
-MAGGIE: Hi. -ERIC: Hey.
Where were you last night?
I had to go to Scott's to see his baby.
I thought you were coming over to the house.
I think there was a mix-up in communication.
Well, how was it seeing Scott's baby?
It was nice. It's a beautiful baby.
Her name is Sofia.
MAGGIE: Why are you even staying in a hotel?
You know, I thought tonight
we would all sleep at the house together.
ERIC: What gave you that idea?
I guess it's just sort of what I wanted to happen.
I get a good rate because I travel so much.
And I like hotel rooms.
Why do I feel guilty about how I organized this trip?
Neither of you have ever come to visit me in Portland.
-I am planning on visiting you. -ERIC: When?
I don't know. Maybe I'll do a whole big trip.
-What about, like, next month? -What about school?
-I quit school. -What? When did that happen?
MAGGIE: I started to feel like I was in the wrong place.
So I stopped.
ERIC: I can't believe you quit college without telling me.
Why wouldn't you call me?
MAGGIE: I didn't want to bother you.
Whoa, she's still here.
Oh, that sweet and beautiful lady.
God chooses precious few to rock legs like that at her age.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, if those legs stepped into a liquor store,
-you'd ask them for their ID. -(SISTERS CHUCKLE)
RACHEL: If you see your sister
with a body like that in 40 years,
know that even if her life
appeared to be a total waste of time,
in her heart, she's a woman satisfied.
Hey, are those legs on the menu?
Oh, here they are. I see them.
They're under signature classics. Hot old-woman legs.
Hmm. I was gonna get
the double blueberry pancakes, my usual, but...
those hot old-woman legs seem to be calling my name.
So you're going to eat her legs?
ERIC: Yeah, with the fresh coleslaw.
You want them to saw her legs off and then cook them for you?
I'm not sure how they do it.
Just whatever they do for the signature classics here.
Oh, it says here I can have my choice of fresh coleslaw,
side garden salad, or rice pilaf if I get the legs.
I do like the coleslaw here.
How far are you gonna take this?
Are you saying that those legs don't look absolutely delicious?
That's just how I like my hot old-woman legs to look.
Yummy, yummy.
RACHEL: You like them to look like a meatloaf
drenched in wet poop. That's cool.
So what is on our schedule today?
ERIC: Whatever you want, but at four,
I'm going back to Scott's house,
and then tonight, I'm meeting up with Dennis.
-MAGGIE: Who's Dennis? -He's an old friend.
MAGGIE: What about tomorrow?
ERIC: My flight is in the morning.
Well, that only gives us, like, five hours to be together today.
Yeah, I told you it was going to be a fast trip.
WAITRESS: So what can I get for you?
I guess I'll just get your famous triple berry crêpes.
And I'll get the French toast with whipped cream on top.
Double blueberry pancakes and hash browns.
Double blueberry and hash. Great.
We've been downstairs waiting for you for 20 minutes.
Why, what's going on?
-She's making Bloody Marys. -ERIC: It's, like, two o'clock.
OK. Should I stop her?
ERIC: Well, I don't know. Is she, like, an alcoholic now?
What? No. Maybe. I don't know.
Hey, I really wish that you would have told me
about quitting college.
I just wasn't thriving in that atmosphere.
The professors were suffocating my originality.
The very strict policy that I attend class
and pay attention to the subject at hand.
-Is that a joke? -Yes.
-It's really not funny. -OK.
ERIC: But seriously, doesn't Rachel
seem a little off to you?
MAGGIE: She seems like her normal self to me.
She did say a few weeks ago that she's depressed.
OK, well, I've never seen her depressed.
MAGGIE: What are you talking about?
She was super-depressed when Mom died.
Wasn't that just, like, normal grief?
Well, I don't think she's ever really processed it.
Not, like, completely. None of us have.
ERIC: Well, it's...
It's been four and a half years.
Five.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
We don't ever talk about Mom.
OK, so that's why Rachel is depressed?
Maybe it's more to do with Nathan.
Yeah, so what happened there?
You mean with Stephanie?
Stephanie, his ex-girlfriend from high school?
Oh. She didn't tell you.
She probably doesn't want you to know.
-You basically just told me. -Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.
(CLEARS THROAT)
♪ It's a big old world
♪ With a lot of people
♪ It's a big old city
♪ With a lot of things
♪ You're a busy woman
♪ You're a busy man
♪ If I get in your way
♪ Go around me, buddy
♪ Go around me
♪ Go around me, buddy
♪ If I'm in the way
Eric...
You're here for half an hour more?
My legs are getting tired.
-(ERIC CLEARS THROAT) -(SIGHS)
Nice. Thank you.
♪ How many things do you have to do?
♪ How many things are so brand new?
♪ How many people do you have to meet?
♪ How many minutes do you have to breathe?
♪ Time is ticking!
♪ The sun is sinking!
♪ You have a lot on your mind!
Tink, tink!
♪ All you want to do is unwind!
♪ Am I standing in your place?
♪ Am I running in your race?
♪ Am I walking your walk?
-♪ Am I ticking off your clock? -(GRUNTS)
♪ Go around me, buddy
♪ If I'm in the way
♪ Oh!
♪ Am I the one ruining your day?
♪ Oh, am I the one making your clouds gray?
♪ Oh, pardon me if I walk right into you
♪ Pardon me and go right through
Tap dance!
(FEET SHUFFLING)
MAGGIE: We never had tap shoes, yet we still decided to do this.
(MAGGIE PANTS AND LAUGHS)
Oh.
(CHUCKLES)
RACHEL: Hey, I thought we retired "Go Around Me, Buddy".
-Why would you think that? -Uh, I don't know.
I guess I assumed our days as a wannabe trio
of singer-songwriters and child performance artists
were long behind us.
No way.
RACHEL: When was the last time
we actually brought out the old songbook?
MAGGIE: Christmas.
Eight years ago. Like, a month before Eric left home.
(BABY WHIMPERS)
I wish you could stay for dinner.
You know, I had a whole plan laid out.
-Sorry about that. -Oh, it's OK.
Who's this Dennis guy you're hanging out with tonight?
-You never met Dennis? -No.
How are your sisters doing?
Yeah, you know. Rachel is living on her own now.
She's the one who wanted to keep the house after our mom died.
Is she still working for the, uh...?
Radio station. Yeah. Maggie...
Maggie went to college for almost a year
and then she just suddenly quit, out of nowhere.
Why?
Like, she just follows her feelings and that's it.
(POP MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)
MAN: Well, that's it for me.
Good to see you again, Eric.
-Have a safe trip home. -Thanks. Good game.
-Goodnight, everyone. -Bye.
(MUFFLED MUSIC)
All in?
I don't have a great hand, but I do have something.
ERIC: Straight draw?
-No. -ERIC: Tens?
-MAN: No. -Oh.
You know, I think you've been bluffing all night
and you're bluffing now.
I'm not bluffing, I promise you.
But you do what you want, I'm good.
-So you want me to call you? -Either way is good for me.
Well, this is probably idiotic, but, um... yeah, fuck it, call.
Yeah. I thought so.
ERIC: Why did you... What?
Why are you calling my bet on the flop?
You thought your sevens were ahead
after this giant bet I made?
MAN: I don't know, man. It was...
It was stupid.
(MAN LAUGHS)
-WOMAN: Dude. Nice! -MAN: Shit.
-WOMAN: OK. -MAN: All right, yeah.
-Fucking A. -WOMAN: Nice. (LAUGHS)
Wow. Well, I... Hey.
-I'm... I'm really sorry, man. -That was...
That did not happen.
That was a good game. It's just luck.
It doesn't make any sense.
Why did you call my bet on the flop?
I had the sevens and then I had the feeling
that you were bluffing.
Because I wanted you to think I was bluffing.
Well, it worked, and I got lucky.
That's a bad call.
You're not supposed to make the all-in call.
Josh does stupid shit like that all the time.
It usually works out for him.
JOSH: OK.
Tough break, bro. Sorry about that.
Why was he even in that hand? With a three and a seven?
Why did he even call my pre-flop raise?
DENNIS: You placed third and cashed out.
I never get a chance to cash out.
You should be happy.
Can we play again when you're done?
Uh, you know what, man? We really can't tonight.
I told my wife it wouldn't be too late.
-Can we play again tomorrow? -Aren't you leaving tomorrow?
I'll change my flight. I have elite status with the airline,
so I don't have to worry about rebooking fees.
Man, you... you're just on tilt.
Yeah, maybe just, you know, take a moment.
Relax. Rethink it. Go back to the hotel,
and if you think you still want to stay,
we can all come and talk about it.
Do I look like I'm not calm?
DENNIS: You're not even a little bit upset?
This is just me knowing that I can win
and wanting to play again.
I don't care about the money.
I just don't have to pay rebooking fees,
so it's easy for me to stay.
I'd be willing to play again if everybody else is.
-ERIC: Is Maggie here? -WOMAN: Yeah, she is. Um...
-ERIC: Can I talk to her? -WOMAN: OK.
I just opened the door
and there's a man outside coming up the steps.
He says he's here for you.
Who was that?
Just someone my roommate is sleeping with.
Eric! (CHUCKLES)
This is the best. Why did you stay?
I just re-thought it and I just decided
that we didn't have enough time,
so I changed my flight to tomorrow.
I wanted to surprise you.
I'm surprised.
Hey.
OK...
MAGGIE: (WHISPERS) I thought you were gone.
ERIC: Hmm?
(MAGGIE SIGHS)
MAGGIE: I thought you were gone.
-I'm sorry. -MAGGIE: It's OK. I'm just...
-really happy you're here. -Yeah.
Well, I'm going to...
call into work and get the day off.
-Still working at that café? -(CHUCKLES)
Yes. Gonna quit soon anyways.
Did you tell Rachel you're still here?
No. I thought we could go to the house and surprise her.
Perfect. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, and, um...
This is the kitchen. You haven't seen my place yet. So, um...
Yeah, no. This is, uh...
This is the kitchen. Living room.
I can show you my upstairs if you want.
-It's a really nice kitchen. -It is, isn't it?
ERIC: It's just the two of you, right?
MAGGIE: Yeah, it's just two of us.
MAGGIE: Her car's not here.
You wanna text her and see where she's at?
ERIC: Let's just see if she comes back soon.
(MIMICS MARGE SIMPSON) Play a disco song.
Shh.
Oh. I lost my place.
Play a Bee Gees song.
Play "More Than a Woman" by the Bee Gees.
Show some respect for your musical ancestry.
(LAUGHS)
Show some respect, Maggie.
-Disco... -(LAUGHS)
(CONTINUES AS MARGE SIMPSON) A lot of people
think disco is dead.
But the only thing dead is their ability to dance to great music.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS LIKE MARGE SIMPSON)
I wanna ask you some tough questions.
Some hard-hitting questions now.
What will you do with your life now you've quit college
and thrown it all away?
How will you ever pick up the pieces?
-I have a lot of ideas. -Like what?
A friend of mine said I could come work with him in Utah.
Southern Utah, in the desert.
He's a river-rafting guide,
so he'd teach me how to raft down a river
and I can become a guide.
You know, for the tourists that come into town.
-Have you ever rafted before? -No.
And who's this friend of yours?
Well, he's more of a friend of a friend.
Never talked to him in person, but we've chatted online.
ERIC: Hmm... I don't like it.
It's as bad an idea as quitting college.
Even worse.
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
We came here for nothing. Complete waste of our time.
What do you want to do now?
-What about the zoo? -What about the zoo?
-We could go there. -Why?
-You love the zoo. -I loved it when I was 12.
MAGGIE: I'd be willing to go to the zoo if you really want to.
ERIC: Forget it. It was just a stupid idea.
(SIGHS)
MAGGIE: "Hello, emu, how are you?
What are things you like to do?
I like to eat big giant bugs.
I like eating slimy slugs.
I like to chase the bees.
I like to pee on trees.
Emu, emu. That is I.
Sadly I cannot fly.
Emu, emu. E-M-U.
I am me and you are you."
Written and first performed
in this very zoo many, many years ago.
It's a masterpiece, really.
-One for the books, I'd say. -Well, how can it be denied?
MAN: ...at the top of the tree
and hang out in that tree all day
and just munch on bamboo.
They don't have a lot of predators in the wild,
so their lives are pretty quiet
and they don't have a lot of things to worry about
when they're out there.
These guys live in Nepal and in India,
Bhutan, Myanmar and China.
Their main food source is bamboo.
That's one of the reasons they're endangered
because those forests are being cut down.
Jude will eat little treats.
Why would you just wander off
without telling us where you're going,
especially when you're doing some kind of digital detox
and you don't have a phone with you?
Why would you do that?
-Maybe she had a panic attack. -Does Maggie have panic attacks?
I thought you talked to her on the phone sometimes.
Yeah, but she never told me that.
Why is she having panic attacks?
Just normal anxiety.
Do you not...
-have panic attacks? -No.
Well, since you don't keep up on the books,
both of your sisters have panic attacks,
your mother had panic attacks,
maybe even your father had panic attacks,
although nobody would know that
because he never confessed to any other living soul
about what was going on inside his mind or body.
So consider yourself lucky
to have skipped the genetic chopping block on that one.
You running out of time? You need to go see your friends?
I have about two hours.
Thank you, Eric, for sacrificing
so much of yourself to us this weekend.
It's very kind of you.
But next time, if there is a next time,
you know, another three years from now or whatever,
would you consider sacrificing maybe even more of yourself
and spend, like, actual full days with Maggie?
Like, you come here and you feed us
minutes and hours at your will,
like giving tiny breadcrumbs to starving mice,
and it breaks her little heart.
She thinks she needs you for some reason.
When did this start? You being like this?
-Being like what? -Mean.
Haven't I always been like this?
No. You've been funny and witty and cynical about the world,
but you've never been cruel, this bitter, not like this.
Maybe I've just been jaded by age and experience.
Because of what happened with Nathan?
(SCOFFS) Fucking seriously?
That is the kind of math that goes through your head?
Bitter-and-mean woman equals
must-be-scorned-by-cheating- ex-boyfriend woman? Fuck off.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry that happened to you.
I didn't know Nathan was that kind of person.
Yeah, I know you liked him,
so sorry you don't get to hang out with him anymore.
We can track him down
and I'll beat the shit out of him if you want.
(LAUGHS) Like you could.
You don't think I would win in a fight against Nathan?
ERIC: You sure you're feeling OK?
Yeah.
Can we just stay here for a couple more minutes?
ERIC: Of course.
Do you want water, candy, soda or something?
No.
How about a little of the old "Looking At You Looking At Me"?
Maybe "Bathtub Blues"?
"I've Got Rainbows On My Mind"?
Would that make you feel better?
♪ Rainbows
♪ I've got rainbows on my mind
♪ Shimmering, glorious, colorful
♪ Glittering, stunning rainbows
♪ Oh, yeah
ERIC AND RACHEL: ♪ The rain has come
♪ The rain has gone
♪ The clouds say goodbye
♪ And the sun says hello
♪ Where is that? What is that?
♪ How did that get made?
♪ I've got rainbows on my mind
♪ Shimmering, glorious, colorful
♪ Glittering, stunning rainbows
♪ Oh, yeah
♪ I have rainbows
♪ On my mind
♪ Hmm
-Here's to the big winner. -Thank you. Thank you.
-Well played. -Elite status.
You deserve it.
Yeah, I mean, I couldn't in my conscience leave
without seeing if I could win against you all in a tournament.
You're a great player, for sure.
Probably better than any of us.
You think he's as good as Christina?
-Hmm. That's a tough one. -Who's Christina?
She's our best player. She beats us most of the time.
I mean, she usually slaughters us.
She was out of town this weekend.
I'd like to see if you could beat Christina.
She's amazingly good.
Next time you're in town, let's make it happen.
-Yeah, thanks. Good game. -Yeah. You too.
When is Christina back in town?
Um, she's just visiting her parents.
I think tomorrow morning.
Bye.
(COUGHS)
MAN: One hundred and ten years
standing here strong and sturdy.
But there's nothing now
that can keep this tree alive another year.
WOMAN: I used to walk by the hill
on my way to school every day
and I just loved looking up at the tree.
MAN: Mary isn't the only one who loves the tree.
There's a growing number of local residents
who are bonding over their recollections
of how much the tree has meant to them over the years,
and the emotion in some of their voices
hints at what it might feel like
when the tree is finally ripped out of the ground
and is gone forever, once and for all.
Oh, yeah. I think this section,
we don't use because it's too sentimental.
There's nothing wrong with sentimentality.
(MIMICS MARGE SIMPSON) Hmm. I prefer no sentimentality.
(NORMAL VOICE) But seriously,
just imagine it without this section.
Everything flows much better.
What if we just trim it?
What if I cut it right over here, right in half?
(MIMICS MARGE SIMPSON) Cut the whole thing, please.
I'd really prefer that.
Why do you keep doing that?
RACHEL: (NORMAL VOICE) I'm sorry. Sorry.
But... (MIMICS MARGE SIMPSON) ...guilty as charged.
(LAUGHS LIKE MARGE SIMPSON)
(MAN SIGHS)
(TYPING)
Cut it from here.
-(LOUD MUSIC) -(BOWLING PINS CLATTER)
WOMAN: Whoo.
Hey, Eric, do you know about the party
I'm having at my house tomorrow night?
You should definitely come.
Eric might be leaving tomorrow.
Are you actually leaving this time?
It's hard to predict. I'm, like, waiting for some phone calls.
WOMAN: Your turn, Eric. You need to get a strike, like, right now
if you have any chance to catch up to Amanda.
Well... Oh. Yeah, sorry.
This is one of those calls I've been waiting for.
I have to take this. It's important.
-What about your turn? -Yeah, there's nothing I can do.
Just use my frames for practice.
Yeah?
Please say you're joking.
OK. When did this occur?
WOMAN: So Maggie says you work at WBSR?
Yeah, and we're forced to do
these stupid fluff pieces, you know.
Nothing really human. Nothing that means anything.
"Child gets trapped in washing machine.
Man masturbates in a McDonald's.
Child brings giant snake to school, snake escapes.
Kindergarten class is scarred for life."
(LAUGHS)
"Folks, have we got a story for you.
Oh, yes! Big story! Earthquake!
A baby fell out of a building during the earthquake!
A local man caught the baby before it hit the ground!
Amazing! What a hero! Full story after the commercial break."
Why does Rachel hate me?
-She doesn't hate you. -Yeah, well, why does she?
-I said she doesn't hate you. -Yeah.
(CAR HORN BLARES)
She's nice to everybody else except for me.
Well?
I'll miss you.
Earlier when we were with everybody
and I did the, uh, radio voice
about the earthquake and the baby, you didn't laugh.
Nobody else did either.
Was it because of my delivery?
I don't know.
Or was it in comparison with what Rachel was saying?
Maybe.
You used to think I was the funniest person in the world.
You're really not going to stay another night?
Probably not.
I think I was, like, six.
My mom was cooking dinner
and she sliced her finger open with a knife.
I saw all the blood and I saw how freaked out she was.
Like, there was a real look of terror on her face.
Her finger was dangling the wrong way.
She went to the hospital, she got it stitched up,
but I totally thought she was gonna die while she was there.
-Good hand. -ERIC: Thank you.
DENNIS: And what about you, Eric?
First time you realized that death exists and people die.
ERIC: That's what we're talking about?
Yeah.
Um...
I remember... there was this father and son I once knew.
And, uh, the father was, like, pretty high up in status,
like, he had most of the power in their community.
And the father was planning on the son
taking over for him, for the father,
like, taking over what you could call the family business.
But the son's uncle, the father's brother,
he wanted the power.
He was jealous and mean, the uncle, and...
so the evil uncle made a trap
cornering the father in this, like, canyon, in a canyon,
where there was a stampede of antelope.
-Antelope? -ERIC: Yeah.
Like, very strong antelope or strong deer.
I don't know. But animals that look like antelope,
and the father was trapped and he was hurt,
and he tried to climb up the canyon wall.
But the uncle was there.
Uh, he didn't let the father climb up.
He, uh... And the father fell.
He fell back down into the canyon.
And, um...
He, uh... That's how he died.
And the son, he went down there wondering what happened,
and he found his father dead.
The son was so sad, he was trying to understand
what happened to his father.
And understand why his father wasn't moving.
Um, and his father was indeed dead.
And that was the first time I realized
that sometimes, lions die.
(LAUGHTER)
DENNIS: Oh, my God, Eric, you're crazy.
WOMAN: Ooh! (LAUGHS)
JOSH: Wait. I... I don't get it.
What's going on? What?
The son that found the father dead, that was Simba
from The Lion King.
Like, the Disney movie?
-WOMAN: Yeah. -JOSH: All right. OK, I get it.
Like, you got us, man. You got us pretty good there.
That's really the first time you realized people die?
Yeah, that tore me apart, that scene.
Basically traumatized me.
I guess you could say it scarred me for life.
(LAUGHS)
Scar is the name of the evil uncle.
Eric was scarred for life.
-I got you. All right. -Yeah.
-Why were you crying? -I was trying to sell it to you.
I was trying to sell the story to you.
DENNIS: Well, you sold it. I almost cried too.
-WOMAN: Hilarious. -JOSH: Wow.
(WATER RUNS)
Eric, I don't think you'd do half bad
in another game I play in.
It's a bigger game. Cash game, good players.
Three times a week, and there's a game tomorrow night.
I probably play twice a month, if I feel like I can afford it.
What's the buy-in?
I don't think it'd be wise
to start with anything less than a hundred.
But you're better off with, like, two or three.
I should be going home, finally. But that's tempting, for sure.
All right. If you change your mind,
Megan's got my number.
-Bye, Megan. -All right, Megan.
Thanks for coming.
Hi. Just checking out of 426. Thanks.
(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)
Hello?
MAGGIE: (DEEP VOICE) Knock-knock.
Is Moopie-Moopie home?
(SIGHS)
MAGGIE: Hello? Moopie-Moopie?
Are you home?
(HIGH VOICE) Yes.
MAGGIE: Do you know who this is?
RACHEL: Yes.
-MAGGIE: Who is it? -It's Wug-Wug.
Yes.
It is me, Wug-Wug. Good morning to you, Moopie-Moopie.
Good morning, Wug-Wug.
MAGGIE: I have not seen you in long time.
Whoosh.
Oh.
(NORMAL VOICE) Do you want to get a coffee?
Maggie?
Where did Moopie-Moopie go?
Moopie-Moopie crawled back
inside her warm little hiding place.
She is very tired.
If there's any chance of her coming back out to play,
she needs a 16-ounce coffee
and perhaps a delicious pastry of some sort.
Where did Charles go?
-Charles went home. -MAGGIE: Oh, did he?
Hm-hmm.
Charles went home because he doesn't want to play.
But Charles said he was going home before,
and he didn't do it.
Well, I think this time, Charles has left us far behind.
Sorry about that but, you know, Charles is an adult.
Charles can do what he wants.
MAGGIE: Are you totally sure he went home?
Yes.
ERIC: (POSH ENGLISH ACCENT) Knock-knock. Anybody home?
Wug-Wug? Are you there? Moopie-Moopie?
It's me, Charles. Hello.
-MAGGIE: Oh. Hello, Charles. -Hello, Wug-Wug.
Moopie-Moopie said you went home.
ERIC: No, I'm still here.
Hello, Moopie-Moopie.
Darling, why, I...
What's wrong with Moopie-Moopie?
She said she crawled back inside her warm little hiding place.
ERIC: Oh, my.
MAGGIE: Hey, Moopie-Moopie.
Can Charles stay over?
He brought his bag with him.
Charles can do whatever he wants.
Oh, good!
Ta. Thanks.
Rather good. Ha!
Lovely. Very fine.
Rather. Well.
Jolly good.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS)
(VACUUM CLEANER CONTINUES IN THE BACKGROUND)
(VACUUM CLEANER GETS CLOSER)
Can you do that another time?
(TURNS OFF VACUUM CLEANER)
This is the day when I do it.
But you don't have to vacuum in here, do you?
RACHEL: I always vacuum in here.
Why? How does it even get dirty?
I just like to do it anyway.
Well, how about this time, you skip it?
I'd rather not.
How about you leave the vacuum there,
and I'll do it when I can?
How do I know you'll actually do it?
ERIC: You know what?
Why don't you go ahead and fucking do it
if that's what you really want to do?
-I do. -(TURNS VACUUM CLEANER ON)
How's this? Is this how you like it?
Is this clean enough for you?
Oh, is this good? Is this good?
You don't have to be this way toward me.
I just like a clean house.
-No, you're fucking eating me! -RACHEL: I'm eating you?
Yeah, you're doing it to eat me!
RACHEL: It's my house.
I can vacuum my house how I want to vacuum my house.
ERIC: Yeah, I know it's your house.
You're making that very, very clear.
RACHEL: I was the one who was left alone
to figure out how to get a fucking mortgage on it.
-ERIC: Yes, I fucking know! -Pay the taxes.
-You hate me for it! -RACHEL: No!
It's the other way around.
-What do you mean? -The other way around.
The other way around.
-You hate me for it. -ERIC: Not true!
Yes, true!
-ERIC: No! -You don't like me for it. Yes!
(SIGHS)
You don't...
You do not like me for it.
You do not like me as a person.
Hey.
What's going on, man? Welcome.
-How much d'you want in? -I'll start with 200.
Two hundred?
What do you have?
-I have a hand. -Yeah?
-Any good? -I think it's good.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm.
Yeah, I have a hand, but I don't have the nuts or anything.
Yeah.
You paired up? You have a king?
Maybe. (SCOFFS)
Yeah. You're probably ahead of me at the moment.
Do you want me to call you?
ERIC: If you have a king, no. But, uh...
(CHUCKLES)
I can't tell if he's lying. I don't know who this guy is.
I'm not lying, I swear. Do you wanna know what I have?
-Yes. -ERIC: I want another club.
-And that's the truth. -Hmm.
I still think you're ahead of me,
but, you know, I want a flush, so...
That's it.
(CHUCKLES)
-ERIC: Really? -Hm-hmm.
All right, well. Let's just...
We're doing this, so...
All right, well, you're even more ahead than I thought.
-There you go. Nice one. -MAN: Classic.
-All right, ready? -ERIC: Yep.
-Fuck off! -MAN: Hey!
-Fuck. -MAN: Hey.
Yo, Bobby, man, you had the best hand.
You made the right call.
-I would have called that too. -BOBBY: Don't say that!
If it had been the right call, I would have won!
MAN: Forget about it, man. It happens to everybody.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Ooh!
OK.
What?
Hm-hmm.
I think I should... fold?
-What is it? -Just 50.
ERIC: Uh-huh.
All right. Just get it all in there.
Wow.
I figured it's the last hand of the night, so... why not?
No, no, no, no, no.
No. You must have something.
Did you really make a straight?
Did you flop a set?
Hang on. You are ahead of me.
Then why would you make that bet?
I mean, I could just walk away now
and be very happy about what I've won.
That's probably the smart thing to do.
You did say at the beginning of the night
that it wasn't about the money.
-You just wanted to play. -I want to win.
Hmm... I just wanna win.
I wanna win.
That's what I want.
I think you're just better than me.
You're just better than I am.
(SHRIEKS)
Mmm! Yeah!
Oh! Oh. Sorry.
Oh, man.
I didn't mean to make that sound.
I've never made that sound before.
You have every right to celebrate. You cleaned house.
ERIC: Yeah, that was close. Wow, I almost folded.
-Sorry about that. (EXHALES) -MAN: No, it was stupid of me.
-I found that call. (SIGHS) -MAN: Nice call. Nice call.
-That was so good. -MAN: Hmm.
That was so good.
-Nice call. -ERIC: Wow.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(HUMS TUNE)
What have you been doing, man, standing out here for two hours?
-BOBBY: About that, yeah. -OK.
-OK what? -OK, cool.
-How much you win? -I don't know.
I...
BOBBY: You look like you're pretty happy with the night.
I'm just waiting for the car I called.
Should be here any minute.
BOBBY: Yeah, you're in the wrong fucking place, man.
Why are you here?
What do you mean, like, in town?
Like, here.
In front of me.
Taking my money.
ERIC: That's the game. That's how it goes.
BOBBY: You're in the wrong place, man.
What does that mean, exactly?
I have a gun.
OK.
So look, what do you think it means?
My car should be here any minute.
Then you better hurry up.
How about I give you back the money you came with?
BOBBY: I'm not the one who sat down at the table
at the beginning of the night
and said that money doesn't matter.
ERIC: I only meant that winning is my ultimate priority.
Money definitely matters, of course it does.
It's like the... You know... What...
You can't even... It doesn't even... It...
(STAMMERS) Huh?
Take... You know, it's not... Like, every...
You don't... You can't even... It's like running the world.
And... anyway, I won this money fair and square,
and it's not fair that you just want to take it away from me.
-I'm getting very impatient. -I'm happy to give you half.
(AS CHARLES) Please take half, sir,
and let's call it a day, shall we?
Come on, man.
(LOUD MUSIC)
AMANDA: What are you looking for?
I don't know.
-Can I get you a drink? -Um...
Vodka?
Yeah, what do you drink with vodka?
-You could have a vodka soda. -Great. Fine.
Your sisters are in the backyard.
Oh. OK.
AMANDA: Do you, like, not remember me?
-What? -Amanda.
Yeah. No, of course.
-From bowling. -I know.
You're, like, a very good bowler.
Yeah, you're very good.
I don't know what you ended up with on that last game, but...
One seventy-two.
Yeah. That's serious. It's very serious.
-Are you OK? -ERIC: What do you mean?
Do you wanna go outside?
Yeah, I'll be out there in a minute.
OK.
There he is. We thought maybe you'd just never show up.
I just, uh...
(AS CHARLES) I've just been doing
a bit of the old painting the town,
seeing my friends, getting business done.
Uh, Eric, we were talking about binge-watching The Sopranos.
Have you ever watched The Sopranos?
(MIMICS TONY SOPRANO) All due respect,
you got no fucking idea what it's like being Number One.
Every decision you make
affects every facet of every other fucking thing.
I'm Tony Soprano. Of course I've seen my autobiography.
I wrote the thing.
I wrote it by living my fucking life!
What is wrong with you?
(NORMAL VOICE) I got, uh...
(MIMICS TONY SOPRANO) I got robbed at gunpoint tonight.
A man had a gun. He took all my money.
(LAUGHS)
That's funny to you?
ERIC: (NORMAL VOICE) Who said it was funny? There was a gun.
And I lost all my money.
How could that be funny? Do you think it's funny?
Well, I'm... I'm gonna go inside. I'll see you soon.
(AS CHARLES) Well, she doesn't like me very much, does she?
Actually, Eric, she has a little crush on you
for some sick, demented reason.
Well, I'd tell you to fuck off,
but I, Charles, do not use profanity.
(AS MOOPIE-MOOPIE) Well, Moopie-Moopie
has never even uttered the word intercourse,
but I'll be happy to say to you right now,
"Fuck you hard, Charles. Fuck you right to the moon."
(HIGH VOICE) Peek-a-boo! That's right.
Buster Keaton lover
and classic-movie enthusiast Randy Roundabout here,
pumped up and absolutely prepared to deliver
a full decade's worth of steaming vomit
into your open mouths.
See, I've been eating tons of cheese
and a whole bunch of spinach and other rotten greens,
so crank open that throat passage
and get ready for a powerful cargo dump of sickly hot puke.
Also, I must take this moment
to opine that the 1926 film The General
is a tour de force of physical masterwork
by the one and only silent film movie star Buster Keaton,
whose altar I worship at.
This has been Randy Roundabout himself, signing off.
RACHEL: (CROAKY VOICE) The Hoagie Sandwich Lady is back
after a long hiatus in Florida,
where I've been almost too busy
chilling on the beach in the day,
eating delicious hoagie sandwiches in the afternoon,
and partying my ass off at night to plot my revenge.
Yet, what have we here?
A bucket full of my own human hair,
my fingernail and toenail clippings,
and oh, the blood of a diseased cow,
and I've blended it all together.
So now's the time to go ahead
and dunk your head into the bucket
until you're dead drunk
from the poisonous chemical reaction
to all the piss and shit
and blood and shit and puke and skin and blood.
ERIC: (AS RANDY) No matter how many shits I have to shit,
how many fucks I have to fuck,
victory shall bear only one name,
and that glorious name shall be Randy Roundabout.
Buster Keaton lover
and overall classic-movie enthusiast Randy Roundabout.
(AS WUG-WUG) Hello, this Wug-Wug.
Would it be possible to please stop fighting?
You're hurting my little ears.
RACHEL: (AS MOOPIE-MOOPIE) He will never give up
because he cannot accept defeat.
If you think about it hard enough,
it's the very reason why you exist, Wug-Wug.
And why I do. Moopie-Moopie.
I was born because Charles thought
he was the smartest man on the face of the earth.
You and I, Wug-Wug, we brought ourselves forth
to show him that there were other flavors in the universe,
that it wasn't all Charleses and Randy Roundabouts.
That there were other creatures
even more awesome and more hilarious
than that which existed in his limited imagination.
(AS CHARLES) Speaking of limited,
Moopie-Moopie's story is simply very one-sided
and... and not very true.
'Tis Moopie-Moopie who decided
that she was more awesome and hilarious than anybody else,
and it was she who decided to make you, Wug-Wug, know
that she was that much more awesome
and hilarious than me, Charles.
(VALLEY GIRL VOICE) Hey, this is Tina from the Valley.
We're at a party right now, so maybe we should just party.
Please?
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Oh, wow, this is, like, a furry blanket, isn't it?
-It's so furry. -AMANDA: Yeah, I like it.
-That's why I bought it. -ERIC: Yeah. What is it, sheep?
AMANDA: I think it's fake.
It's incredible.
I think I'm gonna go back downstairs.
What am I doing here?
Are you asking yourself that question, or are you asking me?
If you have an answer, I'd love to hear.
-(MUSIC CONTINUES) -(CHEERING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(♪ "OVERKILL" BY MEN AT WORK)
ERIC AND MAGGIE: ♪ I'm looking at you, looking at me
♪ You're simply very much who I like to see
♪ I'm looking at you looking at me
♪ You're exactly looking like
Hmm?
Should I go make sure she gets into the bed all right?
MAGGIE: Yeah.
Good night.
Hey. You asleep?
RACHEL: Hmm.
I just wanted to say goodbye,
in case you're not awake when I leave in the morning.
Thank you.
Yeah, OK. Well...
-RACHEL: Mom loved you. -What?
Well, I just wanted to say it was good to see you, and...
I'm definitely leaving in the morning, so...
Mom loved you.
-I know that. -She loved you a lot.
I know that. Yeah.
She even thought you were funny.
-Thanks. That's... -I'm being serious.
I'm taking off pretty early in the morning, so...
Do you think about me sometimes?
ERIC: Yeah, of course I think about you sometimes.
Do you really?
Do you think I don't love you?
-Yeah. -ERIC: Yeah what?
Huh?
Yeah, you think I don't love you or yeah, you think I love you?
I don't know. I think you loved me a long time ago.
Come on. You know I do.
-You never say it. -I do. I do.
Now what?
ERIC: I love you so much.
Even if I'm not here.
I could never stop loving you.
That's just not even a possibility.
(BIRDS TWEET)
Where's Eric?
-I think he's still asleep. -Hmm.
Isn't he going to be late for his flight?
When is it?
-It's in an hour, I think. -Oh.
His alarm must have not gone off.
(♪ "'81" BY JOANNA NEWSOM)
Subtitles: Iyuno