Noooooooooo!
Argh! Oh!
(DING!)
Argh! Whoa!
We slayed it!
Is this good television?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster Australia.
My name is Tom Gleeson, and I am the Taskmaster.
Tonight, five Australian comedians' collective self-worth will be poured
into a blender and served up as a protein supplement
for the depraved audience of you at home.
What does the winner win?
This. The official Taskmaster trophy, which is a gold sculpture
that contains the most superior mind in this room.
Mine.
The five comedians who we pulled out of the gloop
they call their lives are:
Aaron Chen!
Concetta Caristo.
Mel Buttle.
Peter Helliar.
And big Rhys Nicholson.
Last and, yes, least, this is a guy whose favourite streaming service
is the muddy puddles of water
he spends hours staring at his own reflection in.
It's Tom Cashman.
G'day, Tom. I feel like you're building up a small fan base there.
Oh, thank you.
Speaking of small, do you like my tattoo?
Oh.
What? You got a tattoo on your face? Yeah, I've got a face tattoo.
Do you like it? It can be a career limiting move.
Because you know how some tough guys in prison, they get a tattoo
of a teardrop to commemorate a time that they killed someone?
Yeah. I've got a tattoo of a murder
to commemorate a time that I cried.
All right, Lesser Tom. Let's rip.
Are you happy with this just staying here the whole show?
Yeah.
Because I know in a meeting earlier, you said you wanted to remove it.
So, you know, if you turn up to work doing comedy with props,
deal with it, buddy.
But we agreed we'd remove it.
No, no, no. You're staying.
No, you can go. Go and get your stupid tattoo off.
Oh, man. He comes up with this dumb gag, and then he's like,
"But I want it off!" OK. All right.
All right. You happy now?
Mm-hm, yeah.
Well, let's rip into it.
Well, we're starting off with a prize task.
And tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in the thing
that you're most glad can't talk.
Ooh, OK.
What have you brought in, Mel?
I have brought in my Bachelor of Contemporary Performance -
not completed -
..um...
..drama reflection journal.
Ooh.
So I'm thinking you reading it would be quite painful,
but you're saying if it could say those thoughts,
it would be even worse.
Yeah, it would be very bad if production had a photo
of that open and everyone at home could see the words pertained...
Oh, no!
What a disaster.
Worst bit, I was starting to judge myself, so I took a risk
by putting the energy ball in my bum.
Anyway, whatever. I didn't get a very good mark for that.
But no one in my class is on Taskmaster.
Just me. So...
(APPLAUSE)
All right. Rhys, what did you bring in that you wouldn't like to talk?
I...I came up with this lady.
Oh.
AUDIENCE: Awwww. Hello.
This is my dog, Hopkins.
And I'm glad she can't talk 'cause she has seen some shit.
Uh, OK. Like what?
Well, I mean, let's be... Sex is one of them.
Uh, you know, your pet sees you having sex, and you're like,
"Oh, they don't know what we're doing."
They 100% do.
Every time those videos come out of the dogs, like,
pressing buttons that, like, translate to things, I'm like,
we can't show her that.
She can't be like, "Help, help! Leave! Leave!
"Danger! Danger!
"Top. Bottom. Vers."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Uh, Concetta, what did you bring in?
I've brought in a really, really well-used specimen jar.
Oh.
What does 'well-used' mean? It was used by you and some other people?
Not me! Oh.
The jar! Imagine if the jar could speak.
He'd be like, "Oh, not this again." Oh.
"Everyone's sick. It's sloppy. It's over the edges."
So it's, like, really stressed and it's like, "Give me a break.
"I want to go on holiday."
Oh, my God, he's getting shat in. OK.
Uh, Aaron. What did you bring in?
Uh, me, I've brought in a mime.
Um...
I'm glad that mimes can't talk because, um, first off,
it would ruin their act. Um... Yeah.
It's 'cause it's so funny what these guys do.
They can, like, just make, like, a box and then go into it.
Yeah. And you don't even need words.
And that's why it's funny.
Hang on. You brought in Mr. Bean's box set earlier, didn't you?
Yeah.
There's a theme emerging here,
because I feel like you're mocking their humour
but secretly you love it
because it's...because it's a bit basic, isn't it, Aaron?
Well, I just can understand it. And...
The second reason I'm glad mimes can't talk is that I've actually
found out that they have some pretty bad opinions.
Take...take a look.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Uh, women should not be allowed to vote.
Wow.
All right, so finally, Peter, what did you bring in?
I brought in, um, my gym clothes that I take on holiday.
Because they would say, "Why do you (BLEEP!) Bother?"
I...I get excited, you're going to the Gold Coast.
We're there day one, you don't exercise.
I'm like, OK, it's day one.
Nobody exercises on day one.
Maybe day two. Nothing on day two.
By day four, day five,
we know we're not coming out of the suitcase.
Well, you know, we were on holidays recently together, Pete,
and I can say I've never seen these clothes before in my life,
so I can confirm that that is true.
And I feel like you probably bought them just for this.
And maybe you don't own them at all.
I've never seen those clothes in my life.
All right, well, I guess I should score this.
I'm not worried about the specimen jar
'cause it can be put in a dishwasher. OK.
And I feel like that would also erase its memory.
So I'm going to give Concetta one.
I'm going to give Rhys two, 'cause... Aww!
Well, I'm just worried that if I buy into the idea
that everything your dog has seen is disgusting or anything like that,
then I feel a bit homophobic, and I'm not.
Yeah, yeah. So...
All right, I've read your blog. Um...
I'm going to give Mel three points. Thank you.
Just that small sample seemed horrific.
And I'm going to give Aaron four points
because I just don't like mimes as well.
And for five points, because I know the story is true,
I'm going to give it to Pete for his exercise clothes
that have never been used.
All right, let's get into our first task.
Here's a task our contestants took to like ducks to thawed ice
that's been frozen and then thawed again.
(QUACKS AGGRESSIVELY)
Hello!
Hey, Tom. Welcome to the dock.
Hi, Tom. Hi, Rhys.
I love ducks. You like ducks?
Yeah, I think they're my spirit animal.
You're a duck fan?
Yeah. Little tattoo on my arm of a duck.
And also, I love how they walk, like that.
OK. What's this then?
It's a task.
I reckon it's duck-related.
All right.
"Find the quack."
"One of these ducks has been giving out ubs..."
Oh, that's a tricky word.
"Subs...sub-sub..."
"Unsubstantiated medical advice."
What does that mean?
Unsubstantiated medical advice? Yeah.
It's medical advice with no... no substance.
"Fastest to deliver the quack to Tom wins."
"Your time starts now."
So one of these is quacking. No.
One of these ducks is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
I get it. Like a quack, right?
No, no, no, this duck is giving out unsubstantiated medical advice.
I think I'm having an aneurysm.
So who are we going to see first in this little duck hunt?
It's time to send these good eggs off to the bad doctor.
It's Mel and Rhys.
All right, well, I guess I'm gonna get in there, right?
Push me free!
I love you. Goodbye.
You've never rowed before? I've never rowed before.
You used to row at school? Yes. I'm very good. Thank you.
(DUCKS QUACKING, FAINT HUMAN VOICE)
I can hear something.
I think I can hear something, Tom.
What can you hear? Some talking.
Is it unsubstantiated medical advice?
If you shut up for a minute, maybe I'll know.
OK. I think it's this one.
Whoa! Let me just get him. (TOM CASHMAN SPEAKS ON RECORDING)
..no matter how serious.
But I won't tell you how.
That's none of your business.
Careful.
With me, you don't need a second opinion.
It's you!
I don't need to look at you or do any tests.
I know exactly...
That guy is absolutely spouting rubbish!
I'm coming, Tom!
Other than this being quite stressful,
it's also quite lovely.
I've got it! I'm gonna deliver it to you!
(ON RECORDING) What's in the medicine?
That's none of your business.
I have a special...
I can fix you up in no time... (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Where are you going?
I'm off. Oh.
Bye!
OK, so, Rhys, can you give us a sense of what it was like there?
Because I feel like it might have given the impression
that it was actually quite easy to hear them,
but the quacks were really loud.
There was a lot of quacking.
If you don't know what...you're quite stressed about the rowing,
and then you're scared you're going to fall in.
And then they...I should say they told us,
"Do not get in the water. It is full of E.coli." So...
It is not full of E.coli.
Its E.coli levels are above safe levels of E.coli.
Well, I would say compared to no E.coli,
that is up to pussy's bow with E.coli.
Yeah.
I wasn't afraid of the water until I got into it.
And then the next day I did 16 poos on set.
I feel like you're at an advantage, Mel,
because you are very good at rowing. We've seen that already.
Thank you. Did that help?
In no way. No.
All of the ducks are making noise.
He's like, "Yeah, all the information is in the task."
It's actually not.
If all the information you needed was in the task, the card would say,
"It's that brown duck over there on the right hand side."
So just quickly, what was the medical advice being handed out
by the duck?
Um, I couldn't hear what Pete Evans was saying in the recording.
Um, I'm not sure.
All right. Can you give us some scores so far?
I sure can. So, Mel, our champion rower from high school,
took 11 minutes and 50 seconds to find the quack.
Under 12. We did it.
Rhys. No experience with rowing previously.
Four minutes and 50 seconds.
(APPLAUSE) OK. It's time for an ad break.
We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five comedians are currently
competing to win Rhys Nicholson's thousand yard staring pet dog.
Where are we up to, Lesser Tom?
Our contestants are trying to find a duck that is giving out
unsubstantiated medical advice.
So far, Rhys and Mel have done very well to ignore the quacking
to find the quack.
Next up, it's two guys I tried to avoid being downstream from,
given their easy come, easy go attitude to aqua deposits.
It's Aaron and Pete.
Do I need to take bread? Oh, it's up to you.
Yep. OK.
So I got a...
(LAUGHS)
"Community Ducktor."
What's going on?
So it's the duck that looks like this one, which is that duck.
Have you rowed before? Yeah.
National champion.
Oh.
Am I supposed to row backwards?
A little bit of forward momentum there. Whoa!
You're on your way.
There we go. There we go.
It's either that one or that one. (DUCKS QUACKING)
I seem to be going exactly where the ducks aren't.
(DUCK QUACKING)
Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
I don't know what that means, Tom.
(ON RECORDING) Medical professional...
I hear something. Yeah, don't worry about...
In the photo it's got a brown body. Oh, right.
How serious... This one, got it.
We got it.
Me? I can cure you without any medication or surgery...
Is that duck giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
Yeah, it's giving bad, really dodgy advice.
Like what? Saying that the vaccine is real.
Oh, wow.
Come on!
Stand back?
OK.
It's right there. There.
Here you go, Tom.
Get rid of that duck.
Thank you.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
What's that? His business card.
We're eating that duck tonight.
Ooh, OK. You and me.
So, Aaron, when you said that bad medical advice
was saying the vaccine is real,
was that a shout out to all your freedom-loving fans?
If you guys are out there, keep it up.
We're going to win this fight.
It works on so many levels because I suspect
they don't understand irony.
So it'll be like, "Yeah!
"Finally s..." I'm winning with both.
Like, the people who think it's irony.
They're like, "Oh, he's being funny."
And then the people who hate vaccines, they're like,
"Yeah, my man."
Yeah.
Yeah, you just said what I said, but it was a bit longer.
It helps me understand what you're saying.
Sometimes your act is just like
you're explaining it to yourself, isn't it?
And what you're saying is that, like, I talk to myself...
So, Pete, for someone who looks like an old salty sea dog,
you didn't seem that comfortable in a boat.
Is that how it came across to you? Yeah.
I'm surprised because the audience would disagree.
They're nodding their heads.
Now, I can't just leave this unsaid.
Everyone knows about your business card collection now.
How did you feel about that business card disrespect?
I don't know if I could ever forgive Pete for ripping up a business card
in front of me like that.
It was a business card of a dodgy doctor.
Don't shoot the messenger, Pete.
I would like to confirm that that was a clue.
And let's just say that clue was my idea.
Can I just say that finding that clue,
I thought like, oh, I've won this.
The clue did not seem to help you in the slightest.
All right. What are the stats?
Aaron took 12 minutes and four seconds,
and Pete, seven minutes and 11 seconds, in second place.
OK.
Well, I can't help but notice Concetta has been singled out here.
Any particular reason?
I couldn't possibly say, but let's see.
It's Concetta Caristo.
What am I supposed to do? Duckies!
(DUCKS QUACKING)
Oh, come on, mate.
How do you even do this bullsh...?
Oh! (BLEEP!) Now I'm that way.
No! Go this way.
Oh, no. No!
(DUCKS QUACKING)
Oh, shit!
Are any of them giving out unsubstantiated medical advice?
I can't hear you. And I kind of like it that way.
Yeah. Fair enough.
(BLEEP) you! Stupid piece of shit.
Can't do shit. Can't move for shit.
Is this a timed task, Tom?
Fastest wins. Oh.
I think I'm going to be in here forever.
Come on.
Not this again.
Shit!
Are you meaning to spin round?
Huh? No!
Oh, brother.
Oh my God!
I'm having the worst time.
You stupid ducks!
I'm gonna hate ducks because of this.
Which one of you stupid (BLEEP) is speaking?
(TOM CASHMAN ON RECORDING) ..do any tests. I know exactly...
(GASPS) I think I hear something, Tom.
Why is this so hard?
I can't hear it anymore.
Oh.
(DUCKS QUACKING)
..say no more. Oh!
It's your (BLEEP) voice, isn't it?
(FAINT RECORDING) I need you to sign this extremely long...
It was next to me the whole time.
(GROANS) Is there a rule about throwing it at you?
I'm going away from you!
No. Oh, no!
Oh, shit!
Careful. Oh, God!
Is this karma for all the evil things...
What evil things have you done?
I haven't, I'm not evil.
Please don't lock in on that.
It's like a bad dream.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
OK, I need to go.
Thanks, Concetta. Thanks, Tom.
I mean, Concetta, that's you doing what you do well.
Taking a very straightforward task and making it more complicated.
Tom, like, I truly -
and you know this, Tom - I had a breakdown out there.
I didn't know how to row.
I couldn't hear Tom.
I couldn't hear the duck.
I was, like, freaking out.
And then I threw it and it fell.
And, like, even now, I'm not being funny. I'm scared.
OK. You briefly mentioned you've done a few evil things
in your life.
I feel like we need to know what they are.
No, I regret that. I didn't mean it, I was hysterical.
It's often in those moments that the truth comes out.
Yeah. So can we have the truth?
I started a war.
Wow. I was inspired by...Pol Pot.
Wow.
That is extreme.
So how long did that take? I think we're dying to know.
Concetta's time was 27 minutes and 47 seconds.
So Concetta obviously gets one point.
Then we've got Aaron with two. Mel with three.
Pete with four.
And Rhys "never rowed before" Nicholson takes five points.
Whoa! OK.
And what happens when we add those scores to the ones
we had before?
Well, Aaron, Mel, Rhys, and Concetta are the trailers.
But turn off your phone for Pete. He's the main movie, on nine points!
All right, Lesser Tom, you got another task for us?
I do. And don't worry, Tom,
I wasn't agreeing to marry you when I said 'I do'.
I was just answering your work-related question.
As agreed. Anyway, I wish I hadn't said any of that.
Here's the task.
Hello. Hi, Aaron.
Ooh!
What on earth is this contraption?
I certainly don't recognise it from my childhood.
Ah! Old beta machine, is it?
VCR. VCR?
Yeah.
Hi, Concetta. Hi, Tom.
"Teach the Taskmaster to do something he can't already do.
"With an instructional video.
"The instructional video that teaches the Taskmaster most wins.
"You have 45 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
He's actually reasonably good at life,
and the infuriating thing is, he knows it.
So what are we looking at? We've got a lesson here for each of them
that they need to teach me something that I don't already know.
That's right. Well, there's heaps I already know.
Mm. This is an extremely difficult task. Here with some handy hints
for your next work do, it's Mel Buttle.
Do you know anything that he can't do?
I cannot think of a single thing the Taskmaster cannot do.
I can. What?
Attend a work event without drinking.
(UPBEAT '80S MUSIC)
Hello, my name is Virginia Hampen-Stalle.
I've got a Bachelor of Marketing. I'm a PE teacher.
And also I teach people how to say no to having a wine
at work functions.
It's easier than you think.
Here's a clue. You can always just say no verbally.
Would you like a wine? No!
Oh! He doesn't want one.
Maybe go non-verbal.
Surprise me with a gesture. Can I give you a wine there?
Oh!
He's milking cows on the way home and won't have time to be drunk.
Perhaps you're somewhere swanky for work, and you want to show
that you've travelled around the world.
Maybe say no in a different language.
Can I get you a wine? Nein!
Bitte schon.
Perhaps make up an excuse.
Would you like a wine? I have hepatitis C.
Ooh!
One more tip that I like to impart with people who need to learn
to not have a wine at a work function.
Just get rid of the wine. Destroy it all.
Tip it down the sink.
Would you like to... Oh. Oh, dear. Oh.
He's done it.
No more wine.
Say no to wine.
Would you like a wine?
No!
Sounds like he means it.
All right, Mel, we've been at a few work functions together,
and I would say we kept pace when we were drinking.
In fact, many times I was following your lead, Mel.
This video, Tom, and I thank you for the opportunity to make it,
was a chance to say, "Hey, Mel, why don't you pull it back
"to a reasonable level where Tom drinks and just have 16 to 21 drinks
"at an event?"
Your techniques were to say no,
say no non-verbally, say no in another language,
and also just to tip it down the sink.
Have you ever...have you ever tried that technique at a function?
I've tried it in my own home with my parents.
Ha ha ha! Um...
Wow, that was a...
How much trauma do we do on this show? I don't know.
Keep the...keep the trauma at a level that we don't have to give out
the Lifeline number, OK? OK.
Everyone's just trying to enjoy themselves.
Note taken. Yep. OK.
Well, let's take a little break and maybe have a drinky-poo.
We'll be back soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Put down the bottle. You've got a problem.
Where are we, Tom?
Our contestants are making instructional videos
to teach you, the Taskmaster, something.
Next up, it's Concetta Caristo!
Hi, Taskmaster.
And welcome to my channel.
Today we're going to be doing the coolest, sickest look ever. Me.
Today, my model, his name is Tomothy Cashman.
Tom, how are you feeling? I'm feeling good.
Let's get this blank, dull-as-F canvas
looking into a beautiful beat face.
We need to have, like, a base.
Get the lightest colour and just put it on the face.
You're trying to, like, get rid of the grease,
which, let me tell you, Tom has a lot of.
Also, it means the colours on top are gonna freaking pop!
Then all you wanna do is you just want to get, like, a darker colour.
You go to the corner of the eye. Yes, queen.
And that just like elongates the eye.
Next, now we want to beat the freaking face.
Let's start with contour.
Yes! Keep pouting, honey. Yes!
Next we want blush. This is like on the cheek.
Oh my God, you look so cute.
Mascara. Literally, you never go anywhere without mascara
because it's so, like... It's so slutty.
Yes!
That looks hot.
OK, open.
Whoa!
The camera guys all just got hard at the same time.
That means we're on the right track.
In an ideal world, we would have exfoliated
Tom's dry, crusty lips.
But we don't have...
And there you have it.
This is how you go from looking drab to fab
in a really simple, easy make-up tutorial.
Good luck. See you.
(APPLAUSE)
Well, Concetta, I think you've done well there
because you certainly have taught me a lot.
I did learn about Lesser Tom's crusty lips.
I didn't... I wasn't aware of that.
Don't lick them. It makes it worse.
It reminded me of those videos I scroll past on Instagram.
Do you watch those videos?
Mm, yep. OK.
That's the quintessential, like, YouTube girly.
It's like a 20 minute video and like, it's full of personality.
And I tried to just keep it real and fun.
OK, well, it was all new to me, so that was good.
And also, I'm really proud of the fact that I got away
with saying that I was scrolling on Instagram,
and I've not done that either.
Can you imagine me?
Huh-huh! Look, photos!
I like! What?
All right, which of these gurus am I going to be forced
to hear from next?
Here, with some insights from the very important world
of business, it's Aaron Chen.
Hello.
I'm playing you, Tom Gleeson, the Taskmaster.
And I'm going to teach you how to negotiate in business
and get to the next level with your finances.
You're already doing pretty well,
but I'm gonna help you add a couple of zeros
to whatever you're making now.
And the way to do it is through children's books.
You don't have any of your own, but Peter Helliar does.
And we're going to teach you how to acquire the rights.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So, I'm teaching you how to negotiate.
Always know the numbers.
Never go beyond your asking price.
You brought an entourage.
Real classy, Pete.
The whole cast of The Project.
Carrie, Hamish Macdonald, Sam Taunton. Now let's get into business.
What have we got, Tom?
We've got Frankie Fish, Herman Crab, Trippin' with Kids.
We want the whole suite.
And we can give you...
..four marshmallows.
What do you mean?
You're an arsehole. I can't believe it.
Fine, Pete.
Five marshmallows.
That's my final offer.
You can take that to Cancun and make it look like Waikiki on a day off,
like it's, um, the Gold Coast.
Guess what?
I'll give you six and a half and that's the highest I'm gonna go.
Can you believe this guy?
No.
Give us a moment, Pete.
What's our final offer? (WHISPERS)
All right, Pete, we've talked to the accountants,
and they've given us...
..seven marshmallows.
That's the final offer.
We're walking.
And that's how you negotiate.
Remember, always be intimidating and rude and say things
like the F word.
Don't forget to learn the names of all the kids books.
And number three is to remember to negotiate - hard!
I think you did teach me something.
You taught me how to lose a negotiation, not win it.
No, 'cause...
..'cause we started by low-balling Pete Helliar.
Like, he's got a great suite of books...
Right. Yes. ..worth 20 to 30 marshmallows.
But we got it from seven.
But you start at four.
You know this.
I mean, you don't know this.
And... (LAUGHTER)
Yeah. I feel like I wasn't learning from you.
I think you accidentally taught me Pete's good negotiating technique,
and that is, say nothing and the money just goes up.
You're welcome.
So who's next?
Here with some tips about staying alive -
which, as our oldest contestant, he's something of an expert in -
it's Peter Helliar!
Taskmaster. It's PH here.
I know you grew up on a farm, but occasionally you visit a city.
I'm going to show you how to survive on the streets here in my hometown,
New York Citayyy.
This looks like I'm having a lot of fun, Taskmaster.
But look what's about to happen.
Hey, give me your skateboard, kid.
(CARTOONISH PUNCH SOUND EFFECTS)
Phew! That was close.
I got away with it because of my street smarts.
But the lesson is, don't take your flash new skateboard
around the streets of New York City.
Just because these hoodlums think they're tough
doesn't mean they don't want to get caught.
So I suggest always collecting some evidence when you're being attacked.
Oi! Give me your jewellery.
Hey, smile.
Oh, no! Please, please delete them!
Delete those photos.
Only if you promise to give up your life of crime.
Fine.
Deal.
But sometimes the odds just aren't in your favour.
And as the kids say, you need to skedaddle.
Give me your iPad!
There's an iPad over there. Look!
Help, help, help!
I'm in danger!
Get in.
You're safe now.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go.
You're hot.
Awesome.
(LAUGHS) That's...
That part of New York looked like where I live.
It was upstate New York.
There were no buildings whatsoever.
And even when you turned up to rescue yourself,
you were in a ute.
And when you were in the ute,
you looked like someone from the country.
You had a...you had an akubra on.
I thought you weren't... you weren't gonna see through it.
I thought, well, who's that?
I thought, you know, the transformation was amazing.
Oh, the illusion didn't work.
At first I thought, oh, wow, he's jumped in a ute
with his identical twin,
and his twin doesn't know how to drive.
'Cause did you get in the ute,
and then to drive off, you just revved the ute in neutral?
Tom, this feels like an off air conversation.
OK, I don't know about you,
but I need a break to let all that learning sink in.
We'll be back soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our comedians are competing
for the chance to win a rare and mythical object.
Pete Helliar's gym clothes.
Tell me, Lesser Tom, what are we doing now?
Our contestants are trying to teach you something via the medium
of instructional videos.
Get out your blank tapes,
because last up, we have a VCR.
It's a very confident redhead, Rhys Nicholson.
I'm going to teach the Taskmaster how to tuck.
Tuck?
Oh! Tuck.
Tuck. Tuck.
Hello. I'm comedian and publicly maligned drag judge Rhys Nicholson.
And today we're going to talk about tucking.
What's tucking, you ask?
What's tucking? Good question, Tom.
Tucking is the multi-part process
designed to create a flat appearance down there.
Why would you want to do that, you ask?
Well, to read to children.
So we're going to start by grabbing the little feijoas.
And we're just going to very simply pop them up into here.
With me so far?
Use tape or gaff to secure the little guys in place
against the body.
The tape is wrapped around the area, creating a flat appearance.
Adjust for comfort.
And that's how you tuck!
Oh. How about we get a drink?
Come on, toots.
(APPLAUSE)
Just to be clear to the families who are watching,
like whole families at home,
we're just talking about hiding fruit in a skeleton.
It's a fun game. They do it on Play School.
But I must say, it's like there was a bit more to it than I thought.
And I have a bigger respect now.
There is like a...there's a lot of work and kind of pain involved
in doing drag. Not just the shoes.
But yeah, you gotta... you gotta push it up there.
Yeah. You gotta really suffer for your art.
And some drag queens...
..there's a lot to tuck and there's a lot of tape to be placed there
and a lot of tucking to be done.
And so what Rhys is trying to say is sometimes you have to try to hide
a whole fruit shop inside a skeleton. Yeah, yeah.
All right, well,
I have to score, don't I? Mm-hm.
Well, I've got to put Pete in one, because he taught me how to survive
an urban area in a regional area, and I just...
I know how to survive a regional area.
You've just got to be racist.
Anyway, um...
I'm going to give two points to Mel, because you were trying to make out
that drinking is a problem,
and we know in Australia it's not.
Um, I'm going to give three points to Aaron because he taught me
the great negotiating technique that Pete used
through all those years of The Project.
And I'm going to give four points to Concetta,
because I've never seen those videos before
and I've learned all kinds of things about how to put on make-up,
which I'll use later.
But for five points, they're going to Rhys,
because I really did learn something from them.
Genuine learning.
Thank you.
Do you have one last task in the chamber for us tonight, Tom?
Yes, we do, and I suck.
Hahaha!
This next task involves insults, and I didn't feel comfortable
using anyone else as an example.
Whoa.
Your task's over there. Is it?
What are we got here?
There's a microphone here, Tom.
Mm. Testing.
Is it on? No.
Here we go.
"Roast each character the quickest." So we're after speed.
Bang, bang, bang. Mm.
It's like quick fire.
"Your roast must be relevant to the character."
I'm a good person.
Really? No.
"Quickest average response time wins."
It doesn't have to be best roast. It's relevant roast.
Well... Also, the best overall roaster
will get two bonus points.
Holy smokes.
"Tom will unveil the characters from left to right
"beginning in one minute.
"Your time starts now."
And you're allowed to go racial?
I didn't say that, but there's also nothing in the rules
to prevent that.
All right, chuck me some mint jelly,
Lesser Tom, because I enjoy a good roast.
Let's see what these guys have.
These three must be thirsty toilets because they love taking the piss.
It's Aaron, Mel and Peter!
Are you ready? Yeah, sure. Let's do it.
Kind of nervous. Do you want to practise on me?
Tom, you stink, and you look like an idiot.
You green, blue suited, bloody whistle blowing...
Get a clue.
OK, here. Let's go. I'm ready.
Is that a lamb?
You look like a goat.
If it was ugly.
Baaahhhh! Booooooring!
You know, I...I would actually go on a date with Tom Cruise
before I'd go on a date with you.
That's an old advertising reference in Australia.
Little (BLEEP) lamb.
(LAUGHS)
You... You creepy (BLEEP).
Imagine a baby was so stupid that it had long hair.
Um, wearing white. OK. Still a virgin.
What a nerd. Ever done a root?
I've done heaps. I've done four just this week, baby.
How old are you? You're obviously some Benjamin Button type freak.
I think you're a porcelain bitch.
Is that Peter Helliar? Mm-hm.
Um, 'cause I didn't recognise him
'cause he's not famous anymore.
Oh, well, this is... You fat (BLEEP). Seriously.
Do they make those shorts for men? Wow.
Watch the spray tan. It's a bit dark for my liking, to be honest.
It's going to get you into trouble.
And guess what, um, Pete? You smell...
Yep.
Uh-oh. Baldy!
Baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy, bald man.
You can't even stay on your seat, you arsehole!
Imagine breaking so easily.
Guess what I've got? An actual working penis and a scrotum.
Who are you? You're like a real version of that guy,
but, um, even...even stinkier.
Hello, loser!
I'm sure you're a nice man, but your twin brother
is a bit freaky, to be honest.
Although he's better looking than you are.
He's much better looking. He's younger.
And to be honest, I don't think you have genitals either, mate,
to be honest, looking down there.
He's got a bigger bulge than you have.
I'm getting a real left school at 14,
just dug myself a job out of the trenches kind of a vibe.
What's your name? Joe.
Joe?
Get a longer name.
I see that I've hurt your feelings,
which is exactly, exactly my want.
Nice to meet you, though. I'm sure you're a very nice guy.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Thanks, Mel.
Goodnight, Boston.
Now, Aaron, you were making fun of Pete for not being famous.
Is that right? Is that the dig you were getting at there?
I panicked because I saw the picture and I didn't know who it was.
And then that word association recognised famous and then...
..Pete's one of the most famous guys in the country.
Yeah. So when you were having a go at his face... (LAUGHS)
You can't smooth over a roast.
You can't take it back because then the roast loses its sting.
Pete sucks.
Well, in fact, that happened to you, Pete.
You were launching into the bald men at the end there.
And then at the end, you actually seem quite nice.
You couldn't quite stick to...
I'm not...I'm not an insult comic.
I don't...it's very uncomfortable for me.
I actually took that guy home.
I brought him dinner, and I (BLEEP). Um...
Um...
And the disguise had worked.
But it was...it was genuinely an uncomfortable experience.
And then when I saw a human man there, that was kind of terrifying.
That wasn't... That wasn't comfortable.
Uh, Mel didn't flinch. Nah.
You're just like, "There's a (BLEEP) who looks like the mannequin,"
and you were just straight in.
A professional. Yeah.
Did you have a little moment of doubt before you ripped in there?
No. I think I even implied he was a homosexual,
even though I myself am. Um, still a burn on both of us, though, um...
OK. We're actually looking for the most quick-witted, so...
That's right. Who is the quickest?
Pete, your average response time was 13.8 seconds.
Mel - 8.4 seconds.
Aaron - 8.2 seconds. AUDIENCE: Oooh!
Oh, OK.
It's time for some ads, but watch out.
If you don't come back after the break, we'll be roasting you next.
See you after this!
Look, I know you're watching it now, but how about watching more later?
Catch every moment of triumph and utter humiliation
of Taskmaster Australia
with full episodes at 10play.com.au or the 10 Play app.
Welcome back to Taskmaster. What are we up to, Lesser Tom?
We're doing a roast race.
So far, Aaron, Mel and Pete have taken no prisoners,
which is good, because that wasn't the task and it would be illegal.
Now it's time for Concetta and Rhys.
I'm a terrible roaster.
Ready? Yep.
(LAUGHS) Oh! You big idiot.
The thing about lambs is that...
Are you OK? No.
And you have your one ear up and your one ear down.
You're always listening for people to be bitching about you,
and we're bitching, all right?
Lambs - better eaten than alive.
Is that a roast?
Go to the next one.
I'm having a full blown mental breakdown, Tom.
You bitch!
You stupid little bitch.
And you wear your pearls like, "I'm Dame Judi Dench!"
We know you love to get (BLEEP).
Where does she get her hair done?
The bad...wig store?
Move on.
Oh my God. Mate.
Mullets are normal.
It's not funny.
Everyone has a mullet.
This is the best photo of Peter Helliar I've ever seen.
Move on.
(LAUGHS)
Did you really have to get my ex out here?
You know what's horrible?
This is what I look like without my wig on.
How dare you wear that top that I bought for you?
OK. You shouldn't be wearing that.
Because that has memories.
And that makes me uncomfortable.
And also, you're bad at sex.
When I see him, I think of you.
Just completely nondescript and bringing nothing
to the situation.
That's a roast for both of you.
Move on.
Oh, no!
Now, I feel bad about what I said about that and that man.
You...
You (BLEEP)! Dressing up like my ex.
Let me start by saying you look better than that one,
but not much.
You think you're really cute.
You think, I'm one of the cute guys. I'm not one of the bad guys.
You're one of the bad guys!
(BLOWS WHISTLE) I've hated this.
And I reckon this is the worst task that I've done.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it.
Her I can be mean to, but not him.
Oh, God, I feel dirty.
Bye, Tom. This has been real bad and I look forward to being roasted
in the studio for it.
Wow, Concetta, at one stage you said, I'll quote:
"You bitch, you stupid little bitch."
How did you come up with that witty wordplay?
Just off the cuff.
Really? Oh, you didn't prepare it earlier?
I couldn't tell because it was just so well written.
Thank you. Why are you being so nice to me?
So, Rhys, why are you so averse to roasting?
You're quite happily abusing everyone in the studio.
It seems to come quite naturally.
It was the only task, I think, out of the whole run
that at the end, Tom was quite genuine when he went,
"Are you OK?"
Well, I've seen your stand up, and a lot of it's self-deprecating.
So what you do is when you're roasting
is you just take all that self-loathing
and just put it on other people.
Oh, that...that would kill them.
(LAUGHTER)
I got a lot of anger and sadness and I push it down
and I'm either making a diamond or a tumour.
All right, I feel like we need some final scores because again,
it was about their average at how quick they were
with coming up with a roast.
Concetta's average response time was 12.4 seconds,
putting her in third place currently.
Rhys's average response time was 46.4 seconds.
Oh, wow.
All right, well...
So now we need you to assess the best overall roaster.
It really was just pouring out of Mel Buttle, wasn't it?
I mean, when the mannequin was there
and a man with emotions,
it made no difference. Nup.
So I think the bonus points go to Mel.
We've got Rhys with one point. Pete with two.
Concetta with three. Aaron with five.
But Mel takes six points! Yes.
Now, before we send everyone upstairs for a live task,
are we allowed to have a little peek at the scoreboard, please,
Lesser Tom?
So stuck on the ground floor is Concetta at the moment.
In the elevator are Pete and Rhys.
But living that penthouse lifestyle
are Mel and Aaron, both with 14 points.
Yeah! Go, Chenny.
All right, you lot, scram!
It's time for your live task.
Get upstairs!
What am I looking at there, Lesser Tom?
Concetta, could you please read the task?
"Rebound your tennis balls off a ramp and stick them to your suits.
"A tennis ball stuck to a limb or body gets one point.
"A tennis ball stuck to a head gets three points.
"A tennis ball stuck to anyone else's suit gets five points.
"You must remain on your spots at all times.
"To count, the balls must bounce off a ramp.
"Most points win.
"You have two minutes from Tom's whistle."
Are we ready? Yep.
Yeah.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
No. Ah!
Ah!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Oh! My head! Oh, does that count?
Oh. Scu... No!
OK. Come on. Check.
Oh. This is (BLEEP)!
Oh!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
RHYS: This is going so poorly.
Ohhh! Oh! Oh, shit!
(TOM BLOWS WHISTLE)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
All right, we've gotta clean this shit up.
We'll see you after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We've consulted our primary school dictionary and assessed
all the tennis ball pegging, sconings, axings and falcons
from our live task.
Lesser Tom, what kind of scores are we looking at?
In last place with seven body shots, we have Mel, then Pete.
Pete, you had eight body shots.
Then we had Rhys. You had two body shots. Two head shots.
Concetta, you had four body shots and then also three head shots.
So 13 points total.
Aaron had ten body shots, one head shot and two balls on someone else,
with 23 points.
That means Mel gets one point,
Pete with two, Rhys three, Concetta four.
And Aaron takes home the task with five points!
Wow.
And more importantly, who won tonight's episode?
So in fifth to second, we have Concetta, Pete, Mel and Rhys.
But with his tearaway live task effort,
Aaron is the winner with 19 points!
Congratulations, Aaron, you are the winner!
Please ascend to the stage and enjoy your prizes in silence!
All right, other Tom.
Let's have a little look-look at our season scores.
So now that we've completed five out of our ten episodes,
we can officially say that on 81 points,
Rhys has won the first half of Taskmaster.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
All right. And just like that,
we're at the end of another episode of Taskmaster.
But what did we learn?
We learned that only 40% of Australian comedians
know how to row a boat.
We learned that the world can be a very tough place
for a little girl with lovely long hair.
But most importantly, we learnt that Aaron is the winner
of episode five!
See you next week.
I'm gonna eat your arse, Tom Cashman.
How does that make you feel?
I didn't like it.
Maybe I'm having a stroke.
This is so scary.
I don't get it!
It's like you don't watch the clips. Honestly.
Oh!
(SHRIEKS) Oh, yes!
Shut the (BLEEP) up! No.
Sorry.
Come on. Banter.
Oh... See? It's shit.
Captions by Red Bee Media