No!
(BOTH SHRIEK)
(GROANS) We slayed it.
Is this good television?
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Taskmaster.
My name's Tom Gleeson,
and whilst the audience here know that,
it is not the name they've been chanting for hours
outside this studio.
That name ringing across the queue, as well as in the hearts and minds
of the nation, has been and will always be the Taskmaster.
Joining me tonight are five comedic folk of varying profiles, height
and grasps on why they're here, who are vying to compete
for a piece of art melted down from stolen artefacts -
the statue of my golden head.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
They are Aaron Chen...
..Concetta Caristo...
..Mel Buttle...
..Peter Helliar...
..and Rhys Nicholson.
And as always, here to make sure no-one steals my shoes
while I nap in the ad breaks,
it's my assistant, Tom Cashman.
Lesser Tom, kick us off, will you?
Well, our first task is a prize task.
Each of our contestants have brought in a prize,
and the person who wins tonight's episode
will take home all five prizes.
Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
the quaintest thing.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
OK, first up, Peter, what have you got?
Well, when I think quaint, I think of my nan, and I was going to bring
her tea-cosy in, but I thought that's not enough for Taskmaster.
So, I've brought a tea-cosy in,
but I've put it on the urn of her ashes.
(LAUGHTER)
And to make it clear, my nan was alive three days ago.
Oh.
That's how much this means to me, Tom.
OK, so just to be clear, you think that the tea-cosy
on top of the ashes is quaint, not the death.
The death was quite quaint, actually.
Oh! It was a knitting accident.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Mel, what do you got?
Oh, we're going back to the oldie-oldie days.
I have brought along a calculator that's on a lanyard, and it's pink.
OK.
Do all three things add to the quaintness?
100%, Big Daddy.
Yes, um, that colour is super, like, early '90s.
OK.
The fact that a calculator that's already portable
has been made into perhaps a fashion item, if you wish, super quaint.
OK. Concetta, what did you bring in?
I brought in Stamp News.
It's a monthly magazine for stamp collectors.
OK.
Do you have any idea what was going on in the stamp world
in June of 1971?
War.
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, Aaron, what did you bring in?
Oh, I don't know if it's really quaint or not,
but, um, I got actually married recently
to pursue a quieter life, and, um,
my wife has a miniature schnauzer that she treasures
who loves the countryside.
And my dad has taken up oil painting. I commissioned one.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
It's really good!
Very adorable, but is it quaint, Aaron?
I don't know, is it?
Well, I feel like on the way through you were really
trying to upsize the quaintness of it.
I think the countryside bit was not true.
I live in the country now.
Which part? Australia.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, Rhys, what did you bring in?
Quaint, I think kind of adorably old-timey.
And so I've brought for you a straight white man
who works in a family-run tool shop.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Well, you said he was a straight white man,
why is being straight quaint?
Well, who's doing that anymore?
Um, the majority.
It seems very boring to me.
I'm not hating straight culture,
I think it's a fascinating group of people
with your harsh fabrics and your violence.
And, um...
I don't mind it behind closed doors,
but I don't want it shoved down my throat and my kid's throat.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
I feel like Rhys is on one. OK.
I had to hire an actor for that.
Oh, thanks for confirming it's not even true.
Also, I'm not sure a calculator at the end of a lanyard's that quaint,
so two points to Mel.
I'm worried that we're going to be endorsing the idea
that Peter Helliar's grandmother's death was quaint,
even though he pointed it out.
Are you saying my nan died for three points?
(LAUGHTER)
It's a dangerous message you're sending, mate. It really is.
Well, I'm sticking to my guns. It's three points.
Four points to Concetta for the stamp magazine.
But I think we have to agree,
the quaintest offering tonight was from Aaron Chen.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Five points!
OK, a task proper, Lesser Tom.
Very well. But you're gonna wanna sit down for this one, maybe.
Hey, Bin Juice. How's it going? OK.
Allen keys.
OK, just open the freaking envelope.
(LAUGHS)
"Make yourself into a stylish yet functional piece of furniture.
"Most stylish yet functional piece of furniture wins.
"Tom will use furniture you
"for its intended purpose in 30 minutes.
"Your time starts now."
What is furniture?
"The movable articles that are used to make a room or building
"suitable for living or working in."
That's me in a nutshell.
Let's name some types of furniture. Desk, table.
We've got chair.
Before we continue, can we address something?
This is a normal pencil. I'm so tiny.
Bench, wardrobe...
Mattress. (LAUGHS) My old nickname in high school!
I'm not being a mattress, you sick bastard.
I'm just reading the list of...
If I was a chair, you'd have to sit on me. We're not doing that.
Do you have a collection of anything?
Do you have stuff that you would like to store?
I used to collect business cards when I was a child.
Oh, mate, that's the grimmest thing I've ever heard in my life.
Is a lamp furniture?
(SIGHS) Are you out of breath?
No. Wait, am I allowed to be?
Yeah, I am.
I mean, to turn on the lamp,
you have to turn on the lamp?
Yes, you do. That's your job.
Is this giving you the same type of thrill your business cards did?
I don't think I've felt that thrill
till I put all 640 in the bin.
640?!
Milk, Fanta...
Generic orange drink. Orange drink.
Generic white drink. You can say milk.
Oh, OK. Sorry.
All you need to do is make sure that you use me properly.
Get ready to slurp.
Get... Slurp...slurp's up, mate?
Do you want to know about my business card collection?
Don't, don't. I've done this. (LAUGHTER)
We need more information.
You actually had a business card collection?
I had them in, like, a photo album with, like, my favourites in there,
and then I had a second bit for the second tier.
(LAUGHTER)
And I got rid of them because when I was, like, eight,
I remember asking my dad,
"Dad, do you reckon I've got the biggest
"business card collection in the world?"
And my dad was like, "Oh, sometimes at conferences,
"people will just put their business cards into, like,
"a big thing for a competition,
"and I reckon there's probably more in there than you've got."
(LAUGHTER)
So I just went and put all of them in the bin.
(LAUGHTER)
Even the A-tier ones?
I kept the A-tier ones.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You're like that guy in the movie Psycho.
Yeah.
Alright, whose stylish yet functional furniture selves should we see first?
When it comes to furniture, like a waterbed,
these two are getting to an age where they're cool again.
It's Mel and Pete.
Oh, it's good to be home, but it's a bit dark in here.
God, I should turn the lamp on.
I'm not sure how to turn on this lamp.
PETE: Look on the desk.
"To use this very functional lamp,
"play a dainty tune on the red recorder
"and then say out loud, 'Give me light, lampy.'"
I predict that you've had a big day,
and so I've brought home two butter chickens instead of one.
There we go, I've turned the lamp on.
(PLAYS JAUNTY MELODY)
Give me light, lampy.
(PETE STIFLES LAUGHTER)
Light is coming.
Look at you. God, you're gorgeous. You're fascinating.
Aren't you a big, tall drink of water.
And walked right on in here on those two feet. Ha-ha!
Wow, the charm is really lighting up the room.
But it also has a shade.
Uh-oh. Nice whistle, bitch.
What are you, a PE teacher, bus driver, hmm?
Teacher aide? Is that why you need a whistle for?
One more time. It wasn't dainty enough.
OK. (PLAYS JAUNTY MELODY)
Give me light, lampy.
Wow, it was really quick this time.
I really want to turn this lamp off.
Um, I always wear transition lenses.
It's not helped by the fact that it's in front of
quite a functional lamp, shining quite brightly.
(MEL GRUNTS)
It's movable.
People say functionality can't be fun.
I put the fun in functionality.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Yay!
What was the style element?
What?
Thanks, Tom. Thanks, Mel.
You're not taking this with you.
No, thanks.
Pete, were you stylish?
Yes. Yes, I was stylish.
I mean, he surprised me by being able to play a jaunty tune.
That actually... That shocked me.
Were you trying to wrong-foot him by asking him to play the recorder?
Well, there was a note on the table, and he missed the note.
And he was, like, fumbling around my pants and stuff and...
No, mate, this is... I apologise.
I was doing what I usually do with a normal lamp,
is try to find where it is that you turn on...
Not one this stylish, mate.
So, you're saying it was more functional for a lamp
to have a note written by the lamp on the table to turn it on?
That doesn't sound functional to me.
Yeah, I guess what I'm hoping for at this stage
is the others have (BLEEP) up their task.
(LAUGHTER)
The more stylish a lamp, the harder it is to...
Like, when you're in a nice hotel,
it's hard to turn on the lamp sometimes.
I agree. Like, when I'm staying at a really nice hotel,
often I say, "Look at that middle-aged man in the corner
"with a lampshade on his head.
"I hope there's a laborious way of turning him on.
"Oh, great, there's a note on the table."
And then I read it at length,
and I'm still in the dark, so I can barely read it.
It's a bloody nightmare.
You weren't stylish and you weren't functional.
Yeah.
So, Mel, compared to Pete, you were very stylish.
Thank you. That's not saying much.
Thanks.
Now, if two curries turn you on... what does three do?
That's a mop-and-bucket situation.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Same thing happens when Lesser Tom sees a few business cards.
It's time for some advertisements.
More nonsense flat-packed into human comedian form, next.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five Australian comedians are finally doing
something useful with their lives
by turning themselves into furniture.
That's right, they've replaced wood with flesh, and screws with bones,
and lampshades with...lampshades.
Here's three more I picked up off Gumtree for a steal
and chucked in the back of my ute, consensually.
It's Aaron, Concetta and Rhys!
Wow, I'm so thirsty after a long day.
I need something now from my stylish yet functional mini bar.
(YAWNS)
(RHYS MOANS)
(GASPS)
Why don't you get into bed?
CONCETTA: Hi, Tom.
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHS) Hi, Tom.
(LAUGHS)
AARON: Oh, my God.
The mini bar talks.
Yeah, it's got the internet.
Look at my cool sunglasses. Oh, they're quite stylish.
I'm very stylish.
Tom, um, welcome...
(GUFFAWS)
Have a drink. Have a drink?
Maybe the white one.
Oh, the white drink was spilled earlier.
Don't cry over spilled milk.
OK.
It tells jokes as well.
Oh. Great.
# When the moon hits your eyes
# Like a big pizza pie
# That's amore... #
# Rock-a-bye Tommy
# In the functional, stylish bed... #
Mmm. No? Well...
Delicious.
We can add anything you want to it, but...
Can it love?
I think I'm good to get out of bed right now, if I'm honest.
Oh, well, then I'll play the alarm.
Wake up, Tom! Wake up!
It's time to get up, Tom! Out of bed!
Is this... This is love? Yeah.
OK. Right. Mm-hm.
Thanks. Yep.
Oh. That's detachable.
OK.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) I did it.
Ha-ha!
Thanks, Rhys. Thanks, Tom.
OK, thank you.
Oh, my God, we should do...
I mean, we shouldn't, but, like, the... (SUCKS AIR)
That's, you know...
Doesn't have much to do with the task.
No.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, we had a plastic tablecloth, a rotting ladder,
and a white sheet with a hole in it.
(LAUGHTER)
The lamps are looking pretty good.
We're back, we're back. We're back, baby.
You looked like the underside of a massage table, Rhys.
That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I must say, you did look stylish. Thank you!
In fact, I feel like you're the only one who put in any effort at all.
And by effort, I mean you put on some cool sunnies.
Going from one end of the style spectrum to the other,
Aaron, tell me what was stylish about your presentation?
It's, um, rustic.
Yeah. And...
(BLOWS AIR)
And I could go on.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, Concetta, is there any part of your personality
that's not Italian?
(LAUGHS) It keeps being brought up.
Yeah, I just went with my roots and my genes.
Well, I think one of the flaws of your presentation
is also one of your flaws as a person.
Um... (RHYS GROANS)
..you were a bit too giggly.
(LAUGHS)
And as a table, that's a disadvantage.
I know, it's a horrible flaw.
OK, so, we're looking for functional and stylish.
That's it. Well, that's very easy.
Aaron's on one because he was neither functional or stylish.
I'm going to have to give Pete two.
He wasn't stylish because he was dressed like he always is
with a lampshade on his head.
Well, out of the two lamps, I think Mel was more stylish, slightly.
Um, I'm going to have to say I quite liked Concetta's table - four points.
But the most stylish definitely was the upside-down massage table,
which was Rhys Nicholson, with five.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What?!
Alright, my pink lanyard calculator, do some maths. Who's winning?
Well, if it was a competition for losing,
then Mel and Pete would be winning on five each.
And Concetta would be losing disgracefully with eight points.
So, you're winning. Oh!
OK, just proceed as per the format of the show, Lesser Tom.
The next one sees me and the contestants go toe to toe.
It would be much easier if you moved the caravan
closer to the house, by the way.
That's fine, I'll walk.
(PANTS)
Hi, Rhys. Hello.
CONCETTA: Wow!
AARON: Football. The beautiful game.
You wanna play? Yeah, I love this game.
(MEL GROANS)
Oh.
I guess I won.
Time for the task. Let's have a look.
"Create an original two-player sport and play against Tom.
"You and Tom must play your sport for five minutes maximum.
"Most original sport wins.
"However, if Tom beats you, you will lose two points.
"You have 20 minutes to plan your sport.
"Time starts now." OK. Boom, he's pressed it.
Sport.
What even is sport?
You're not gonna win the game.
You don't even know what the game is.
You're not gonna win, mate.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK, five comedians trying to do sport.
I wonder how this is going to go.
Which athlete are we going to see first?
They asked the question, what even is sport?
Which surely bodes well. It's Rhys Nicholson.
I think I want to call the sport touchball.
That's the ball. That's the ball.
You've gotta touch it with this.
OK. Touchball.
Welcome, everyone, to the first annual touchball tournament.
Rules are simple.
The ball wanter will be blindfolded
for 90 seconds.
The ball toucher has to keep the ball safe
and untouched by the ball wanter for five minutes.
So, I reckon we begin.
And go.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. It's on.
..23, 22...
Oh, my God, he's gonna do it!
No!
NO!
No!
(MOCK SOBS)
Congratulations.
You're the new ball toucher.
I'm the ball toucher. Well done.
It feels good. I feel terrible.
(LAUGHS)
So, Lesser Tom, you won. Mm.
You know what would be written on my business card now?
Victorious.
Or ball toucher. Ball toucher.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah. Well, first up, I just gotta say, Rhys,
how did you get through all of that with no double entendre?
That was a very disciplined effort from you.
It WAS hard.
Um... There we go, back on track.
Uh, something, something, gay.
Which sporting pioneer are we going to see next?
It's semi-professional spectator Peter Helliar.
Drop bears are famous in Australia,
but what about the reverse - throwing bears up?
Reverse drop bear. Reverse drop bear.
Alright, let's do it.
Welcome to everyone watching around the world
to reverse drop bear.
Here with Tom Cashman. You must be looking forward to this one again.
I was not familiar with this game until quite recently.
You and your jokes.
Of course, the rules are, you need to use this paddle
to hit a koala back up a tree.
You get three attempts, of course. You know this.
I'll go first. OK.
Oh! Came down. Bloody hell.
I'm gonna go higher, I think. OK.
Oh, bloody off the....
Have you played before, or... Yeah. Yeah, I have.
Oh, no, no. You have a go.
OK. The door's open, wide open.
I mean, this is embarrassing for me. (STAMMERS) OK.
That was a good technique, actually.
It's a fun game, though, isn't it? Look at the smile on your face.
You're loving... you're bloody loving it!
You are... (LAUGHS)
He loves it!
What a fun game!
It's a fun game, I told you.
Oh, it's a big one!
You just won reverse drop bear!
Whoo-hoo. (LAUGHS)
Look, he bloody loves it too.
Thanks, Pete. Fun game.
Hang on, are you turning into a winner?
(LAUGHS)
Because as far as I can see, that's two from two.
Mm-hm. Or is it?
Are you sure, Pete?
Like, you're the inventor of reverse drop bear,
and I feel like you said HIT the bear into the tree.
Yeah. And I don't think he hit it.
I think it was more of a catapult action.
Absolutely. And this has been a massive controversy.
Um... (LAUGHTER)
I mean, I think probably later on,
the points went back to me because that was...that was illegal.
Are you sure, though? Because I feel like I should defer to you.
And I do remember you in the clip saying very clearly, "You won."
(LAUGHTER)
But, Tom... You did, you said congratulations.
Tom, please! You shook his hand.
Please!
We are out in the field, you are in a studio.
It is tough out there.
I am creating the sport... Yep.
..I am commentating and I'm obviously not officiating
as well as I should have been.
When you were commentating, you said, "Great technique."
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, you did.
Well, I didn't think you were going to show that bit, did I?
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, sport me, sport.
This next contestant said he'd win before the game even existed.
How will he fare when it does? It's Aaron Chen.
This is a sport that asks the questions,
what if penalty shoot-outs were in three different sports -
table tennis, basketball and yoga.
Best of three.
During play, you can only stand in your cardboarded area.
First serve, it's gotta hit the shell.
It's a two-fault rule. OK.
Skateboard toss to decide who serves.
Uh, wheels up.
Wheels down, unfortunately.
OK.
Oh! Yeah. So, I serve again.
Oh. I'm serving for the game.
The coin toss was to determine who serves.
For the whole game? The game, yeah.
So, that's 1-nil.
So, this is your sport - basketball.
Oh! That's a fault.
Oh!
That's your point.
So, it comes down to the final round.
And now I'm regretting serving on this one.
Mm. It's quite difficult.
See, that's...
Psych!
So, it's a re-serve.
Oh! That's a fault.
Oh, my God! That's a double fault.
Is that the end of the game? Yeah.
Well played. How do you think you went?
Not good.
What's the name of this sport we've just played?
Table tennis, basketball and yoga but much more original.
So, is that three from three?!
My God!
So, Aaron, can you please explain the rules to
table tennis, basketball and yoga but much more original?
(LAUGHTER)
So, the first rule is that it states that
it's the most original sport ever created.
And that's in the lore of the game if you're...
Um, and the second rule is that if you win the game,
you actually lose.
(LAUGHTER)
Really? Yeah.
Alright, now it's time for another completely original sport
involving you versus consumerism.
Just try to resist.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our comedians are competing
for the eternal drapery of Pete's nana's ashes.
Lesser Tom, what are we doing?
Our contestants are trying to create the most original sport,
and they are deducted two points if I beat them at said sport.
So far, I am three from three.
Who's next? We've just found out she's Italian.
It's Concetta Caristo!
(POSH ENGLISH ACCENT) Hello, and welcome to phone slap,
the newest sport craze that's driving the kids wild.
All you need is two top hats,
two old rotary phones
and three balls of wool.
"How do you play the game?" you ask.
Well, you grab your phone
and you must hit the ball...yarns of wool
into the top hat as much as you can.
If you get it in, you must say...
"Hats off to you."
The opponent, if they can throw their yarn of wool into the...
..bath,
wins no points,
and...and then I get the point.
And then that goes just until someone gets one point.
Oh. One-time-only kinda deal.
Off we go.
Rats!
Oh!
(DING!) That's in!
Ugh! What?!
Oh! I'm, um...
Hats off to you.
I beat you! I beat you!
Mine went in before you said that.
Hats off to you.
Congratulations to you.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
You didn't win, Lesser Tom.
I did not win. Yes!
I forgot that I had to say, "Hats off to you."
And frankly, I panicked.
What a game! Yeah.
Talk us through the character choice.
I'm not sure it added to the game.
Well, I think England... they're a crazy bunch,
but they are known for their fancy sports -
croquet, cricket, horse...
Horse stuff. Horse?
Horses.
They've got that great sport, horse.
Final quarter time. Who's our would-be buzzer beater, Tom?
She's been a great sport -
if the aim of that sport is to be a bit mean to me.
It's Mel Buttle.
Welcome to the fantastic sport of...
rowing whilst flowing!
Yay!
This is a freestyle rap rowing contest.
Oh.
You must be flowing whilst you're rowing.
If your flow stops, your row stops.
Your job is to row whilst flowing around the lily pads
and cross the finish line here, which is the end of the lily pads.
You'll be given a one-word prompt to start your freestyle rap.
You'll be going first, because you're my...you're my guest.
Tom, your randomly generated word is 'cemetery'.
# I'm rockin' in a cemetery
# I'm not being sedentary
# I'm rowin' in a boat
# This is bigger than a moat
# It's a lagoon! #
Oh!
Excuse me, you have stopped flowing, but you are still rowing.
# I don't know the direction
# I don't have an erection
# I'm... # Thank God.
# But neither my... # (LAUGHS)
# How is this so bad?
# I don't understand
# I'm now going the wrong way once again. #
(LAUGHS) Stop it! (BLOWS WHISTLE)
And time is up.
How do you think you went?
That is probably the worst performance
of anything I've ever done.
I suspect you'll...you'll do better.
Let's see if she can do it. OK.
The former state champion...rower. OK.
Your randomly generated word is 'grimace'.
# Grimace, Ariarne Titmus
# She's a swimmer from Australia
# She's the best, and I'm the rest
# The ducks on the lake, I think they are fake
# I'm stuck in the weeds, I'm getting no leads
# But I'm rowing while I'm flowing
# Yes, I'm rowing while I'm flowing
# That is the chorus
# Please don't bore us
# I'm rowing while I'm flowing
# Just doing my rhymes on the lily pads
# Jeez, I'm not bad
# Someone went to a school where this was a sport
# And I can freestyle a capella off my dome
# Holidays? Where am I going? All the way to Rome and Greece
# But it looks like nice
# You better think twice
# Because you're gonna lose this sport that I've created
# Is that a victory?
# Looks like it. #
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) CONCETTA: Wow! That's good!
So, Mel, I feel like we're gonna be seeing you rapping a lot
across the series.
# Yo, bro, because it's hard to say
# Because I just don't know, but Rhys is gay
# And, um, I... #
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Were you wearing life jackets for safety
or is that to cover your mum's spaghetti?
Oh!
I love that you are aware of a culture that I...
..sometimes relate to.
Um... Some would argue, appropriate.
No, hip-hop is a mind state. It's not an area code.
I've famously always said that. Um...
Alright, well, I think we've gotta do some scores, yeah?
Well, I feel like a good way
of trying to work my way through this is,
if I understood the sport really well,
it's probably not that original.
Whereas, if I had no idea what was going on,
it's because it was so new and artistic,
it must be highly original.
So, from the top to bottom,
I think Concetta gets five
'cause I had no idea what was going on.
Oh, my God!
Aaron gets four.
Combining rowing and flowing, that was very original,
so three points to Mel. Thanks.
I really enjoyed reverse drop bear,
but it's just the bureaucracy, the people that run it,
they're the ones that shit me.
What started off as a really sad week for our family
is getting worse.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, it's two points.
Last of all, I've got Rhys on one point,
'cause I knew exactly what was going on with your game.
TOM: Those are not the final scores, though,
because the two points needs to be deducted
from the sports where I was victorious.
What?!
Concetta will still take home five points,
then we have Mel with three points, Aaron with two, Pete with zero,
and Rhys, -1.
(GROANING, APPLAUSE)
Alright. Do we have time for another task?
Yeah, of course.
Imagine if we didn't - we would've really messed things up.
Fortunately, we've kept it together.
Hey, Tom. Hi, Pete.
Hi, Rhys.
Hi, Tom. Hey, Concetta.
What's going on?
Not much. We're just about to do a task.
Plain room. No...no theme. Mm.
Just a simple card. Yep.
Simple card for a simple task.
Want me to read this?
(SIGHS)
I'm trying to do it one-handed from now on.
OK.
"Rip the task card into as many places as possible.
"Most pieces win.
"You have two minutes.
"Your time starts now."
Alright, this task sounds like one of those tasks
that's too simple to be true.
Should we get straight into it? I think we should.
You little ripper,
and YOU little ripper.
I just pointed at Aaron and Rhys.
You like that? You like this?
Yeah, you like this.
Are you gonna maintain eye contact with me the whole time?
This is the most eye contact I've ever made with someone, I reckon.
Don't lose any pieces, OK?
And I've been with my partner for 12 years.
Oh, eat it up. Rip through!
That's sad. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
You... (LAUGHS)
Oh, (BLEEP).
I refuse to play the next task.
I gotta piece it back together, don't I?
(LAUGHTER)
Is this one scored, or is it more about sticking it back together?
All the information you need is in the task.
"Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card."
(LAUGHS)
"Fastest wins.
"Your time started when you entered the lab."
You can't... You...
(SUPPRESSES YELL)
(LAUGHS) Oh...
Get rid of the pieces that have nothing.
I can see, "Insult Tom."
I was arrogant coming in. You think?
Yeah. I was doing that one-hand opening the card thing.
I don't know what to do.
You made quite a lot of eye contact with me,
not a lot of eye contact with the card.
Yeah, you've pissed me off lately.
So, is it insult you the most?
"Insult the Taskmaster."
Uh, the Taskmaster's stupid.
"Insult Tom. Something-est wins."
You didn't blow your whistle.
I'm just gonna insult you a lot and then leave.
Oh.
"Insult..." "You must..."
This is probably the best work opportunity you're going to get.
Is that an insult?
It will be in about ten years, yeah.
"Insult the..."
So it becomes an insult in ten years?
Yeah, I reckon.
When I started doing the little tiny rips... Mm.
..you had this, like, microexpression that was like,
"With your dumb little face."
That's another one to add to the insults.
Yeah. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Thanks, Rhys. Thank you, Tom.
"Insult..."
YOU'RE stupid.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Why didn't I just insult you after the Taskma...?!
I hate you.
Thanks very much.
Thanks, Aaron. Bye!
So, what did you say about me, Aaron?
Hey, um...
I like you, man. (LAUGHTER)
'Cause you can say it now to my face.
I... What...? Um...
Alright, so, um, Aaron took a while to do it.
He was insulting me for a bit too long.
And ironically, he said I was stupid.
OK.
Aaron took 8 minutes and 20 seconds to insult me.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
So, what about Rhys, then?
Rhys took 6 minutes and 55 seconds to insult me.
MEL: Yes! Go, Rhys! OK.
Like, I think that was a... genuinely, a rare day
that I didn't start the task by insulting you, ironically.
Look at his dumb little face now.
He's like, "It was the best day of my life!"
Alright, we're tearing this task right down the middle
with the blunt scissors of the TV world - ads.
More insulting of this no-hoper next to me, soon.
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia,
where five professional comedians are competing
for the ownership of one of this country's most endangered species -
a middle-aged white man.
Fill us in, Lesser Tom.
Our contestants are tearing up a task card
into as many pieces as possible.
But it's just a distraction.
Their real task is to do something
that they would never do in real life - insult me.
Before the next contestant, I just want to say,
sticks and stones may break my bones,
so please, no-one throw any sticks or stones at me.
Here's Mel Buttle.
Have other people ever got more than nine, do you reckon?
Are you aiming for more than nine? Yes.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Don't forget, there's these ones on the floor.
Thank you.
I knew it. I knew it.
OK.
"Complete the task written on the back of the previous task card.
"Fastest wins."
I might have to just guess what the task is, Tom,
'cause I am unable to see what it is.
I'm gonna guess that it is,
make you feel good about yourself.
Although you are single and live alone... Oh.
..there's still hope. Oh.
I like that you don't brush that front bit of hair.
The ears do not need to be pinned back.
Whoever said that - wrong.
Regardless of what your ex says,
I would refer her to the legal average penis size.
I think you being pescatarian... Mm.
..is a super good choice.
The post with your sister on your recent trip...
Yeah? Normal!
The fact...
..that you drive a Peugeot... Mm.
..is endearing.
When I'm thinking about your time on The Project,
I think it was fine. Right.
Eye contact - you don't get a lot of it.
I know why. Oh.
I read an article. What did it say?
You know what? Hm?
Why don't you use those big, glassy eyes...
Mm.
..that look like there's a shark behind them,
and you read the article yourself with your eyes?
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Thank you, Tom!
Mel, did you even realise you'd completed the task?
Nope!
You had no idea what had happened? Nup. None at all.
There were 21 tasks where Mel,
within the first five seconds of entering, insulted me.
She called me 'Bin Juice' 13 separate times
and 'Maggot' seven times.
But this was an occasion where she did not insult me.
Ugh!
For some reason, you just held back.
Sometimes I felt it's an un... it's bullying.
Like, look at him. What's he got to live for?
But...
Well, I felt that when you said
that you thought the task was about making him feel good about himself...
Yes.
..it sounded to me like you're being sarcastic.
What?!
Weren't they all insults? No.
What, you just took them all on face value?
Yeah. The words, as stated, were compliments.
I felt like there was a tone there.
Didn't get that.
Mel took 17 minutes and 28 seconds to insult...
You're dead meat, mate.
Alright, let's see someone else fall for your little trick, Tom.
He's old enough to remember Natalie Imbruglia before Torn,
so he's not all out of faith -
it's Peter Helliar.
Do you wanna help me, you think you're so smart?
Tiny ones.
It's fun, isn't it?
It's like a little bonding exercise. Yeah.
You can get them even smaller. OK. If you say so.
As many pieces, yeah?
As many pieces?
Can't go back and read it now. Who knows now? Yeah.
I haven't got time to put it all back together.
Impossible to read now. Yeah.
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands off.
I think I know what this is.
And in advance...
..(BLEEP) you.
(APPLAUSE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You've completed your task.
Oh. Thanks, Pete.
There was something on the back, wasn't...? Did I read it?
And you've done it. Thanks, Pete.
I did it? Yep.
I did it successfully? You did.
I don't believe you.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm not sure if I regret saying, "(BLEEP) you," Tom.
So I may take that back in the future.
We'll leave it hanging there for now.
OK. But I may take it back.
The task is complete.
OK. Thanks, Pete.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So now that we're back in the studio,
would you like to take it back?
No, Tom, I would not.
So, on the day, did you, like Mel, have no idea how you'd finished?
I'm finding everything out now.
I literally had no idea.
Pete took 3 minutes and 5 seconds to insult me.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Yes!
So, who's left, Tom? She wouldn't insult a fly.
I think she's obsessed with flies.
It's Concetta Caristo.
Hi, Tom. Hey, Concetta.
(BLEEP). You suck. Ugly.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Thanks, Concetta.
Oh, my God!
And that was very impressive.
Unlike everyone else, I don't like to insult Tom.
I...I like Tom.
AUDIENCE: Aww. Thank you.
Do you wanna say it back?
(LAUGHTER)
Oh. I-I like you, too.
Aww!
Uh, you did say to him, "(BLEEP). You suck. Ugly."
(LAUGHTER)
Which, just to be clear to the kids at home, you're not supposed to say
unless it's in a professional setting
and you're saying it to a colleague.
Concetta's time to insult me -
14 seconds.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So that means we have Mel in fifth place,
Aaron in fourth, Rhys in third,
Pete got second place,
but Concetta wins the task with five points!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright.
It's time for a break.
Come back to see how these comedians go in a live task,
without all that camera trickery to make them look competent.
See you after this!
Welcome back to the television show Taskmaster,
a show that has a make-a-wish element to it
in the form of allowing this little human hamster next to me
to have a crack at something
that, outside the show, he never gets to do -
score.
(CACKLES)
So, have a go. Who's leading this episode, Lesser Tom?
Well, Rhys is currently the little toe with 8 points
and, with an amazing 18 points, Concetta is the big toe!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Alright, everything's still to play for -
unless, by 'everything', you mean winning this episode.
Sorry, Rhys.
Let's head upstairs for a live task.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So, what's going on here, Tom?
I'll let Rhys explain.
"Play in the first annual touchball tournament."
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS) CONCETTA: Oh, my God.
"Each contestant will get to play
"both as ball toucher and as ball wanter.
"As per international touchball rules,
"on Tom's first whistle, the ball toucher will have 15 seconds
"to place the ball within the touchball arena.
"On Tom's second whistle, the ball wanter must try
"to touch the ball with their fake leg as fast as possible."
Who thought of these rules?
"The ball toucher may not touch the ball or the ball wanter
"after placing the ball.
"The ball wanter will be blindfolded throughout.
"Best touchball player wins.
"Tom will now announce
"the first randomly selected touchball pairing."
So, Aaron will be the first ball toucher
and Rhys, you will get your opportunity to be a ball wanter.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Rhys, could you please put your blindfold on?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(CONCETTA LAUGHS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Round two.
Concetta will be the ball toucher and Pete will be the ball wanter.
Whoo! (BLOWS WHISTLE)
I'm in your freaking mind!
I'm (BLEEP)!
You don't even know what's right and what's left!
You're a freak!
(LAUGHTER)
Can I get it?
Did you pop the ball? (LAUGHS) No.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Next up, we have Mel as the ball toucher
and Concetta as the ball wanter.
Oh! (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Anyway, I heard this really good true crime podcast the other day
about a girl who was blindfolded in an arena,
and she had to try and touch a ball.
And if she touched the ball, guess what would happen?
(BLOWS WHISTLE) Oh!
Next up, we have Pete as the ball toucher
and Aaron as the ball wanter.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(LAUGHTER)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Oh, my God!
Oh! Ow! Oh, oh!
Oh, oh!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
The final round.
We have Rhys as the ball toucher and Mel as the ball wanter.
CONCETTA: Whoo!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
MEL: Uh... Agh!
Oh... Yay!
Oh...!
Alright, we're gonna see who the winner is.
But we know the real winner is...capitalism.
So let them have their win with another ad break!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
If you've just joined us, you've missed an adorable story
about Aaron's dad painting his wife's shit dog.
Lesser Tom, scores for that live task, please.
Well, the best wanter was Concetta,
with a new world record - 10.44 seconds touching.
Come on! Yes!
Best ball toucher was Rhys, with their very controversial effort
to keep it away from Mel for 41 seconds.
MEL: Yes. No clapping.
So, if we look at the aggregated ball touch-to-want score ratio,
we have Mel in last, then Aaron,
then Pete in the middle, runner-up Concetta,
and the winner of the first annual touchball tournament,
the founder and creator of the Touchball World Association -
it's Rhys Nicholson!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And remember, always touch balls responsibly.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, more importantly, who's winning this episode
and gonna be heading home
to touch our straight, white handyman's balls?
So, we have Mel on 10,
Aaron on 12, Rhys on a lucky 13,
then Pete on a lovely 14.
But Concetta is the episode's winner, with 22 points!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Congratulations, Concetta.
Get up there and take that man!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Right, Concetta, you just stay up there and listen
to that background extra posing as a hardware store owner's spiel
about how climate change is a hoax...
(LAUGHTER)
..whilst we get an update on our overall season scoreboard.
The leader in the series, by 10 total points,
is Concetta, with 54 points.
Whoa! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK. That's it. Another episode of Taskmaster in the bag.
But what did we learn?
We learnt that if you chuck a lampshade on Peter Helliar,
it's still just a Peter Helliar.
And we learnt to always read the back
of whatever you're about to rip up,
unless they're part of Tom Cashman's business card collection.
But most importantly,
we learnt that Concetta is the winner of episode 3.
See you next week!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
One-two, one-two-three, go!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Yah! This is a disaster, Tom.
Are you prepared to get moist?
What about me?!
Tom and Concetta! OooOOOoooh!
Pew! Pew!
Tada!
Pretty good.
Captions by Red Bee Media