No!
Agh!
Oh!
Ahh! Whoa!
Uh... (INDISTINCT)
Is this good television?
(APPLAUSE)
Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.
Though these piping-hot studio lights
may be bouncing off my pearly dome,
do not be mistaken,
for, like, the great Gorgon Medusa,
this head has a metaphorical hairpiece of snakes flowing off it.
And these green eyes, if you happen to look into them,
may well turn you to stone,
or, at the very least,
cause my personal security guard, Julio, to shout,
"Don't look at him,"
for I am the all-powerful Taskmaster.
(APPLAUSE)
The five comedians wanting Daddy's love and affection
are Aaron Chen,
Concetta Caristo,
Mel Buttle,
Peter Helliar,
and Rhys Nicholson.
(APPLAUSE)
And, as always, sitting patiently by my side
and waiting for a bit of dinner to fall off my plate,
it's my assistant, Tom Cashman.
(APPLAUSE)
G'day, Tom. What are you going to say this evening
to endear yourself to Australia?
Well, I think my relationship with you
has changed my relationship with authority.
I'm even more respectful than I used to be.
(LAUGHTER)
I was in a shop this week and I asked to speak to the manager.
I didn't even have a complaint. I just wanted to speak to a manager.
And then the manager, she was like,
"Is this it? This is a waste of my time."
And I was like, "Well, that's actually a bit rude.
"I'd like to speak to your manager."
And then I spoke to him. I'm like, "You're a manager? That's crazy."
And I just kept doing that over and over again.
And that's how I met Harvey Norman.
(APPLAUSE)
At this point, I'd like to have a go at Harvey Norman,
but he's probably a sponsor.
I've got no idea who sponsors this shit.
Alright, Lesser Tom, kick us off.
Well, our first task, as always, is a prize task.
Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
what they consider to be the best piece of art
you paid $50 or less for.
Sounds like it's time for a shit art exhibition.
Aaron, what would you like to hang?
Thanks for asking me. By the way, you're awesome.
And, um, near my house,
there's actually, like, a vending machine for art.
Um, I put my credit card in
and, for 50 bucks, I got this artwork.
(APPLAUSE)
OK.
It's actually a double-sided portrait. Um...
Great value. So, who are the portraits of?
(LAUGHTER)
Um, I think they're by a guy...
See the signature? ..called Philip Lowe. Um...
Alright. Mel, what did you bring in?
I have drawn some portraits of people's dogs.
I was paid to do this art.
Now, I have been to university.
I'm creative.
And I think that is very obvious, once you see the artwork.
(LAUGHTER)
Woof.
So the task was best piece of art you paid $50 or less for.
So I suppose the question is if you get paid,
is that kind of like even less than zero?
It's like minus amounts of being paid.
No. Well, I'm happy with minus. How much were you paid for that?
1.7 million.
That's a long way under 50.
Unfortunately, the task is BEST piece of art.
Yep. There it is.
Oh, I see. So you've earned money, and we've accepted that.
Great. But the art's shit.
Concetta, what did you bring in?
So, I went to an art class with my boyfriend.
We paid $45 each, and we both painted our favourite celebrity.
You know who that is, right?
I'm thinking they're two generic Channel 10 newsreaders.
It says 'coffee' behind the...
Is it Jerry Seinfeld?
Yes!
Oh, so you both painted Jerry Seinfeld.
They're the same person? It's the same person.
Wow. OK. (INDISTINCT)
Peter, what did you bring in? PETER: Let's raise the bar.
What would you say if I told you
that I managed to purchase, for under $50,
an original Da Vinci?
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, yeah?
Did you bring that in to show everyone
that you're down with the kids?
(LAUGHTER)
It was one of his early drafts.
It's a very impressive piece of art. It is.
It was during Da Vinci's T-shirt stage as well.
He famously used the dab method.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it's very impressive. Rhys, what have you got?
I think rare art is what we're looking for.
And so, on eBay, I typed in 'rare art',
and I found this.
Oh.
(APPLAUSE)
Sorry, I just had a moment there
where I genuinely forgot that I released a single.
Yeah. If we move to the next one, I have a few questions.
OK.
You've got The United States Of Australia,
the radio edit,
The United States Of Australia, the karaoke edit.
Yes.
I wish I could play it for you.
Neither myself nor the production, in the last week,
have worked out how to get it played.
Like...
What you're forgetting too, is that
if you could work out how to play it,
you would have to get the permission from the rights of the owner.
Yeah, yeah. So I'd have to grant it.
Yeah. And I don't.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright. Well, a lot to think about there.
Mel's was not great artwork, so that's one for Mel.
Two points to Aaron Chen
'cause I don't know how to break this to him,
because he seems so unaware of what he does.
I mean, I know he dresses it up as comedy,
but I think he's genuinely thick.
I'm not quite getting it, but I'll accept the points.
I'm going to give three points to Pete. Three points to DaVinci?
I've got a feeling, I think it may not be an original.
I didn't want to say anything. Yeah.
Four points to Concetta.
But because it was the greatest artwork on offer tonight,
obviously I'm going to give five points to Rhys.
(APPLAUSE)
I mean, it was a masterpiece.
Alright, let's get on with it.
Show me a proper task.
What better way to get this episode started,
than a steaming, warm bucket of Joe.
Don't know why I came out with a strut? Oh, right. Yeah.
You look nice. Oh, thanks.
OK.
Hi, Concetta.
Oh, a wet one.
It's in, um... It's in a bucket. Mm.
Oh. It's warm.
Why is it warm?
Is this coffee or is it poopy-cacca water?
What was the second option?
Poopy-cacca water. Oh.
I'll open that up, shall I?
Drop the coffee.
You have ten minutes and one drop only.
Most litres of un-spilled coffee
multiplied by metres dropped wins.
What? You have to help me understand.
Your time starts...now.
I don't get it!
Well, Concetta, it was good to see you back doing what you do best -
being confused by a task.
So, Lesser Tom, can you slow it down for her?
Basically, it's the number of metres dropped,
multiplied by the number of litres of coffee
left in whatever receptacle after the drop occurs.
First up, a couple of flat whites -
it's Pete and Rhys. (LAUGHTER)
Does it need to stay in here?
Like, if I tip it into another vessel?
Is that spilling? A spill is an accident.
A spill is an accident.
I was a spill. You were a spill?
I was an accident. Oh.
I could go up there. That seems...
That seems too high. To prevent spillage. Yeah.
I have 10 minutes. 7 minutes 30.
Alright.
What's happening here? I'm gonna put the coffee in this bag.
Are you gonna put all that coffee in that?
'Cause then I'm gonna lock this up.
Oh. And none of it will spill out of that?
Mate, these are...
If this is a good brand, that coffee is not going anywhere.
I'm gonna fill these with coffee. OK.
This is actually a good idea.
This is really nice.
I'm gonna pour some coffee in here.
Led Zeppelin song.
Pour some coffee in...
What album is that on?
Um. Hysteria.
Oh, and now this doesn't seal.
So the problem with what is happening here is..
The budget on the show. OK.
There we go. This is actually good stuff.
That'll do, that'll do.
This is not good.
Oh, this is a good idea. This is actually a really good idea.
And I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go up there. OK.
And I'm gonna drop it. OK.
And it's not gonna spill.
Nup.
I'm just gonna provide some security for the coffee in the bag.
Do you have an idea of where you're gonna drop it from?
I'm gonna climb up on the third railing of that.
On here? Yeah. Wow.
I want you to know I know this isn't good. OK.
It's ready to go, I think.
The genius in this is the... Genius?
I've basically created the goon bag. Right.
A classic thing I associate with geniuses.
(LAUGHS)
So I'm gonna do it now.
And it's not gonna spill.
OK. You ready? Yep.
One. Two. Three.
Oh! Sh...
Pretty good.
Here we go.
Perfect.
Nailed it.
I mean... It's refreshing.
There's some in your mouth. Yeah.
It's a bit weak. I usually have it a bit stronger.
(APPLAUSE)
Now, hear me out. Yeah.
As I explained at the beginning of the task,
a spill is only an accident.
If you know exactly how this is going to end,
that ain't no accident, baby.
So, that is not SPILT liquid.
That is distributed liquid.
(LAUGHTER)
Now, Peter, you dropped your coffee from...
How high do you reckon it was?
Oh, 20 foot.
I didn't want to go too high. Yeah, I know.
So I went maybe say, let's say 20 foot. Let's say that.
I'd like to point out
there was a lot of coffee still in that bucket.
May have seen a bit of a splash. Well, I know.
I think heaps stayed in.
And I think that, once again, in this show, Pete,
you've shown that your lack of ambition paid off.
Can we get the results on how they did? Absolutely.
There were 7 litres of coffee in the bucket
at the beginning of the task.
Pete had 6.1 litres after the drop.
Pete dropped the bucket from 1.49m,
which means 9.09 litre-metres is Peter's score.
There was a tiny bit of coffee left in the bag that Reece dropped.
But heaps on the concrete and the grass.
Are we accepting this? No.
There was 16mL left there,
which, multiplied by 5.1m,
your litre-metre score is 0.816.
Who's next, Lesser Tom?
One of them says "Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee."
The other says, "Don't even talk to me, all the time."
It's Concetta and Mel.
Can I use anything in the area? Sure.
Is this you inspecting the area? Yep.
I wonder how much would spill just from there.
I don't want to get dirty.
You don't want to get dirty? Look at me. I look beautiful.
I got to go out later.
You're going out in that later? Yeah.
Where are you going? To the club. (LAUGHS)
You can come if you want, but not in that.
No way.
Is this to cushion the fall? Yep.
Very good, Tom. Very clever.
I bet maths and science and physics comes to play.
Do you think maths and science and physics comes to play?
Yeah. What's so crazy about that sentence?
I think the phrase maybe you were reaching for is
that it comes INTO play. Yeah.
No, it's my girlies, science, maths...
Come to play? ..and physics come to play in the club.
So it's going to land straight up.
Yeah. Good point. Yep.
Yeah, it will. It'll definitely land straight up.
Just... Boop! Yep.
Oh. What about something like this?
Are you gonna drop? I don't know.
How long have I got?
Six minutes and seven seconds. Oh, we should be just chatting.
Hanging out, shooting the shit.
That's pretty good.
Oh!
Can I think smarter?
Be smart, Concetta.
OK, I'm doing the ladder.
That's pretty good.
OK. I'm scared. You're scared?
I don't know if I could go much higher than this.
This looks good quality. OK. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna go low drop. OK.
Max litres instead of max metres.
OK. 21 seconds left.
How long? 21.
Girlies, I'll see you at the club...
..tonight!
(BLEEP!)
No! No!
10 seconds. Ten. Nine. Eight.
Seven. Six.
Oh. That's empty.
That is good and empty.
Now, at one point, Concetta, you told yourself to be smart.
Why didn't you come up with that strategy earlier in this series?
Can I be frank with you, Tom?
I think my motto the whole time
was have fun and just hang out with Tom Cashman.
And so I didn't really think too hard.
Yeah.
Well, I think you spent most of the time
actually just getting ready to go to the club.
I love when you say it.
Now, Mel, you never really miss a chance to rap.
And then you just uttered out in the middle of a sentence,
'max litres instead of max metres'.
Sister's got flow when she's just riffing.
Thank you. I was very impressed with that.
Thank you, my dude. How many points would you say?
That's like a si...five, four.
I feel like we need the actual measurement. What happened there?
Well, Mel was actually very successful
at guessing how many millilitres were left in the bucket.
She guessed that there were 700. There were 730mL left in the bucket.
I know myself.
You dropped it from 0.37m high,
which gives you a litre-metre score of 0.27.
There was 39mL left in Concetta's bucket,
multiplied by 1.98m gives her 0.077 litre-metres.
All this coffee chat has got my mouth watering.
Time for a break so I can yell at my assistant
to go and get me a coffee.
More Taskmaster after this.
Welcome back to Taskmaster, everyone,
where five comedians are competing
for the thing every comedian dreams of,
but few ever attain -
$50. (LAUGHTER)
We've been watching comedians run around dropping coffee,
and I'm not describing their day jobs as baristas.
What am I describing, Lesser Tom? Our contestants are dropping coffee
from the highest height they can while spilling the least of it.
Next up, he likes his coffee, and he likes women,
but there's no relationship between the two. It's Aaron Chen.
Can I get a towel?
I'll get you a towel. Yeah, please. Many towels.
Many towels? As many... Or fabric.
Lots of fabric. OK. Yeah. And get on it.
OK. Alright.
Oh, my gosh. Let's go upstairs, Tom.
We're going upstairs? Yeah.
So, what are you doing?
So I'm gonna soak the coffee in the towel
so there's less likelihood of spillage.
And then you're going to wring the towels at the end.
I'm gonna ring them? What will I say?
No joking, mate. OK.
See, if these towels remain,
then any coffee that is soaked into these towels...
That all chaos? That all counts. It's unspilled.
Do you have gaffer tape?
How much time do we have left? Four minutes and five seconds.
I'll be having a nap at the end of this.
Do you want me to get you a pillow? Yeah, please.
Just one more for good measure,
and then I'm gonna wrap it in a towel.
What's that for? Uh, to cushion.
I'm not going to have a nap anymore, I've decided.
OK. Alright.
This is so scary. OK.
I should have... What are you scared of?
That this is going to break.
Oh, yes!
Number one.
You happy with that? Yeah.
That's zero spillage. No spillage.
Maybe a few droplets at the start.
A few droplets? I mean...
Yeah. No spillage.
Aaron, that may have been the best-executed task
we've ever seen on this show.
Thank you for saying that. (APPLAUSE)
I mean, even Lesser Tom's joke about phoning the towels couldn't ruin it.
So was there any spillage at all?
There was a bit of spillage at the beginning when he was taking the bucket up,
but there was 6.94 litres left in the bucket.
If you multiply that by the distance dropped,
which was exactly 5m -
34.7 litre-metres.
(APPLAUSE)
I can't believe I'm asking this,
but where does that place him in this task?
Well, afterwards...
Concetta takes home one point. Then we've got Mel on two.
You joke around, Rhys - you somehow get three points.
Pete gets four.
And the winner of the task, of course, is Aaron Chen with five points.
(APPLAUSE)
So, what does that mean for our scores, Lesser Tom?
Everyone is doing so well.
But the leader, on eight points, is Rhys.
OK. (APPLAUSE)
Alright, strudel boy, one more task, please.
This one involves an out-of-retreat excursion.
Did they all get their permission slips signed on time?
Hi, Mel. Hi, bin juice. Good morning.
What a beautiful day, Tom.
Do you like rain? Love it.
(DEEP VOICE) Hey, Tom.
(LAUGHS) Who's this?
This is me. But I'm cool.
Oh, right.
This supposed to be there?
Cowboy themed. Maybe.
Ask your taxi driver about how their day has been.
The taxi has been arranged to take you to the shops and back.
Women love shopping! I love the shops.
You have until the taxi returns to get as much detail about their day
as you can.
Your time starts now.
(SQUEALS)
Thanks, Tom.
Why's there a cowboy boot?
It's not cowboy themed.
You could have just said no.
Hello! Hi.
My name is Aaron. Hi, Aaron, I'm Tony.
What's your name, Tony?
Yeah. Tony. Good.
Um, and we're going to the shops.
Take your time, though. Drive slowly.
I get real bad motion sickness.
Hey, Tom. Hi, Pete.
He's nice. Yeah?
Yeah, he's a lovely bloke.
Um.
Look, there's a second shoe. Huh?
Could learn a thing or two from Tony.
What could I learn from Tony? About getting to the point. Oh, OK.
If I asked him if this was cowboy themed,
he'd give me a yes-or-no answer. OK.
So are they?
Well, you'll see.
(LAUGHS)
Write and perform a country song about your taxi driver's day.
Most powerful country song wins.
You have 60 minutes.
(DRAWLS) Your time starts now.
I can't sing or play an instrument in the slightest, Tom.
Can you sing? Oh, yeah. I've got some pipes.
I've got some pipes.
He eats a mixture of seven different types of cereals.
What? Seven different types of cereal.
Every morning? Yeah.
Let's, um. Let's go write the song. OK.
Uh, so, we can't let this slide.
Aaron, "What's your name, Tony?"
No, I'm still developing, in terms of social skills.
Now, Pete, did you find it hard? Because, like, as a celebrity,
you obviously normally sit in the back seat,
pretend to be on your phone so you don't have to talk to drivers.
I didn't like it.
Alright, well, whose draw are we going to hear first?
She comes from the country! The country is Italy.
It's Concetta Caristo! (APPLAUSE)
(DRAWLS) # I met a girl called Naryssa
# She lives a wonderful life
# Wakes up in the morning to a channel called 93.9
# She starts every day with a coffee
# Prefers it black like the night
# But don't get her started on traffic
# 'Cause that's one of her gripes
# Oh, Naryssa
# Naryssa
# You and I split too soon
# She showers in the morning and she's a Gemini
# I hope we meet again real soon. #
I love you, Nerissa.
(APPLAUSE)
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but, Concetta, that actually wasn't that bad.
Thank you. Are you a professional singer?
(DRAWLS) Yes.
And you did some great rhymes in there, too.
I liked the way that you rhymed
'You and I split too soon'
with 'I hope we meet again real soon'.
Like, that was...
The way you got 'soon' to rhyme with 'soon'...
Rappers do it, so can I.
Alright, give us a B-side, Cashman. Who's next?
Will he banjo when Joe's one of his best mates?
It's Peter Helliar.
PETER: One. Two. Three. Four.
# Brian's fingers grip the wheel of a taxi he drives so far
# Those fingers that never quite learnt to play guitar
# Brian pulled over one day to satisfy his appetite
# He never knew Cupid was about to do him right
# Brian with an I
# Loves Lysa with a Y
# One day they might marry
# This flightless bird needs to fly # Flightless bird needs to carry
# This flightless bird needs to fly
# Flightless bird needs to carry
# Flightless bird needs to fly
# Flightless bird
# This flightless bird
# Needs to fly. #
(APPLAUSE)
I feel like you LOOKED the part of a country music star,
but it didn't quite land.
Is that fair? Agree to disagree. Um...
I mean, I nearly got Tom killed by... (LAUGHS)
I'm not saying there wasn't an upside.
Pete thought it would be a good shot
if I was standing in front of what was a big flock of sheep.
When I went over there, all of them ran off
except what was clearly the alpha.
Imagine being out-alphaed by a sheep.
Get out of here! We've got to do some not-allowed-to-air business.
Release the demon sheep!
Run, Cash-boy!
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the show that answers the question
why don't more comedians make the pivot from comedy to country music?
Lesser Tom, bring us up to speed.
Our contestants are writing and then singing a country song
about the day of a taxi driver they just had a trip with.
Alright, who's slapping the banjo next?
What's his name? Aaron Chen. It's Aaron Chen.
# They call me 5:30 Tony
# But I don't think that encapsulates me
# I'm Tony the Lion, can't you see?
# And I drive a premium SUV
(SPOKEN) I get up in the morning before my sun.
I can't even see the sun.
I toilet, I wash my hands, I wash my face.
I get it ready for the rat race.
'Cause I'm Tony the Lion.
I eat my cereal.
# There's seven types
# Weet-brick, weet-brick, weet-brick
# And four other types
(SPOKEN) But I can afford it. I don't care.
I'm a billionaire.
Tony the Lion.
# I come in and I meet the first AD
# I see a little guy, cool as can be
# I tell him what I do with all my stuff and how much it costs
(SPOKEN) $5-million house.
$78,000 car.
$5,000 coffee machine.
And $58 on cereal,
every single day.
Money is extremely powerful.
It's a, um, billionaire's world
and you'd be a fool not to know that.
And guess what?
Listen to some of the other lyrics.
TONY: Hi Aaron. I'm Tony.
(APPLAUSE)
My favourite part was the spoken word part in the middle,
because you gave us a little break from your singing.
So as part of your song, you said Tony had $5-million home.
He was a billionaire, and drove a taxi.
I'm starting to call bullshit on the seven boxes of cereal
that he has in the morning.
Well, I based his net worth
based on the fact that he had seven boxes of cereal.
OK. Maybe he asked him what his favourite cereal was
seven times.
(LAUGHTER)
Alright, turn the transistor one more notch. Who's next?
They can't sing or play an instrument in the slightest,
which, so far, makes them about as good as everyone else here -
it's Rhys Nicholson.
What if I just got ChatGPT to just write it?
Write me a funny...
I'm gonna say two-verse country song
about a man named Matt
who takes photographs of his friend's truck.
(CHUCKLES)
It's really quickly written a song,
and the first line of it is...
# Old Matt's a picture-takin' man
# Snapping shots of his friend's truck
# It's part of his plan
# His camera in hand, he shoots away
Capturing that truck from every angle, come what may
# He's fast in his click and truck pictures galore
# But his family is missing him
# Can't take it no more
# And waiting in for the day that Matt will come back
# And put down that camera
# Get a burger, no lack
# Now here's to Matt, that truck-lovin' man
# Clicking away with the camera
# It's in his hands
# Fast set of photos, its current trend
# But maybe it's time
# To reconnect
# With some family and friends. #
Yeehah.
(APPLAUSE)
Again, that was surprisingly good.
Thank you. It was not bad.
I did it all myself. Yeah.
Why does your singing voice sound more normal than your actual voice?
(DEEP DRAWL) Well, I got to say, this is my real voice now.
And what was the task again?
Write and perform a country song about your taxi driver's day.
Key word being 'write'.
Um. You used ChatGPT to write your song.
You didn't write the song, so you're disqualified.
ALL: Ah!
But it was a great song. Thank you.
And great singing voice.
Please use it instead of your real voice.
(DEEP DRAWL) Oh, no.
Alright. Who's our last performer, Tom?
With her song It's All Danish To Me, here's Mel Buttle.
(SPOKEN WITH DRAWL, AGAINST BACKING MUSIC) I'm feeling I'm by myself.
Michelle left me when I was doing engineering in Sydney at UTS.
She up and left. My favourite colour is green.
My daughter's left. She's in Denmark being an air hostess.
By myself once again.
(SOBS VIOLENTLY)
You're nothing. You're a loser.
Your favourite chips are salt and vinegar.
# No pumpkin in my pants and a warm feeling good
# Put a ring on her finger
# No, she didn't linger.
# No reason why that look in your eyes gone cold
# Cold - the same as Copenhagen
# Minstrel, she's my woman now
# Blue hull, and it's been anti-foul
# It's just me and Alfred alone on this bed
(SOBS)
(RAPS) # Yo, lights out and away you go
# It's time to say goodbye to the Danish ho
# It's me, I'm rich, I'm on 90K
# If I was richer, maybe I'd be gay
# But it's just me, unfortunately, I'm a straight man
# Danish bitches
# Oh, they're like ham to me, mm-mm-mm
# I'll eat them on a croissant Or a sandwich
# Or anything else with bread 'Cause Danes love bread
# That's what I picked up from my ex-wife!
# Sauna, flora and fauna
# That's what she wanted to be all the time
# Not near me, but I was on my boat
# I put around us an emotional note
# Alfred's my only friend, anyway
# That's it. Peace. I'm out. Goodbye. #
And I was feeling safe,
thinking you're going to get through this whole task without rapping,
and there it was, popped up right in the middle,
when we least expected it.
That's correct, officer.
I thought the first half of the song was fantastic.
Thank you so much. The lyrics were very depressing.
I just really connected with this man's story
on a really deep level.
And then, like Aaron, I said, "How much money do you earn?" 'Cause he was kind of hot.
And I was like, I can, for the right figure, turn.
And he's talking about his boat.
And I'm like, "I see myself on the seas."
We can... I can get over...
..how you do it. Um...
Yeah. OK.
Well, I like the first half of the song.
In fact, if that was the whole song, I would have given it six points.
That's how much I liked it.
But only half of it was a country song, so I'm giving it three.
OK, three for Mel. Rhys is on nought, obviously.
I'm going to give Aaron Chen two
'cause I suspect the entire song was made up.
All of the songs were made up.
(LAUGHTER)
Not mine.
I'm going to give Pete four points. Thank you very much.
But that was only 'cause of the sheep that attacked Tom.
I'll take it. Happy to take it.
I'm giving five points to Concetta because the song actually worked.
I don't know why I'm so shocked, but it did. It actually kind of worked.
(APPLAUSE)
Alright, we've got to go help Rhys Nicholson detox
from all the straight, white energy
that country music just smothered upon them.
Yeehah! See you after the break!
Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Serve us our final proper task of the evening, Lesser Tom.
Very well. But before I invite you into this one,
please remove your shoes and your manners.
Tom! Hi, Concetta.
Ooh! For fun?
Why did you sniff? I just want to know what the tiny guy had on his shoes.
Cute. Do you like things mini?
I feel like that's a loaded question.
It's kind of sinister.
Make the least-welcoming welcome mat.
You must welcome Tom to your welcome mat...
..in four hours. That's a long time.
In 25 minutes.
25 minutes.
Most unwelcoming welcome mat wins.
Your time starts now.
OK.
Now, do I have a welcome mat to begin with?
If you want.
You came through. Oh.
You can't hear all my secrets. You have to go or I have to go.
OK. You go.
What if it just said "I'm going to eat (BLEEP!) Tom Cashman?"
Oh, no!
You'd probably turn around. Well, don't turn around.
That's asking for trouble at that point.
Alright, let's find a... (WHISPERS) ..review of Tom Cashman.
I think I prefer you not to see what I create.
Can I make it a bit of a surprise? Do you want me to leave? Yeah. Please.
Just turn your chair around so you're not looking.
What's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to you?
I can't really think. You've blocked it out.
Or no-one's ever said something that mean to me.
I don't believe that for a second.
Now, all of you ordered Tom out of the room
while you were trying to get organised.
Except for Aaron, who just asked him to politely turn his chair around.
Yeah, I wanted it to be like The Voice.
Alright, well, let's see some unwelcome welcome mats.
Who's first?
They both invited me in a long time ago -
to their hearts - it's Concetta and Aaron.
Tom! Come in.
Hi, Tom. Hi, Concetta.
Welcome to my little home.
Hey, mate. Just shoes off, please.
How stringent is the... the shoes-off policy?
It's really strict.
OK.
"If U open the door, someone is going to punch U.
"UR evil," spelled incorrectly.
How does that make you feel?
It doesn't make me feel welcome. Why don't you come in?
I can think of one reason.
That's just the mat. Come on in. OK.
Do you want me to step on him.
As a human being, no.
But as someone in the entertainment industry,
absolutely, yes.
OK.
There's also a skateboard underneath, so it's not... Oh.
It's your call. But if you care about the Australian television viewer...
Mm. ..you would.
Oh!
Unwelcoming much, mate?
(LAUGHS) Don't step on it.
Just come in. I'm allowed in?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, great.
I slayed that.
Don't mess with the Zohan.
(LAUGHS)
So, Aaron, it was a very unwelcome welcome mat.
Very hazardous.
But Lesser Tom kind of called your bluff.
And then you welcomed him in.
But the mat didn't.
Concetta, I see you decided to use camera trickery
to hit Tom in the face.
Were you not tempted just to do the full thing?
I was tempted but the safety guy stepped in.
It is weird that the safety officer didn't help you with the sheep.
He got in quick for me.
Alright, who's next?
Like our base-layer doormats, they're both prickly -
one in the beard, one just in general -
it's Pete and Mel.
"Stand here."
Hi, Pete.
Oh.
Maybe stand on...
MEL: Not sure what you're watching,
but it's definitely trying incredibly hard
to copy the UK version.
Greg and Alex have a natural chemistry.
Both Toms are trying incredibly hard to copy that
and are failing,
and they're falling so incredibly short it's forced.
So this is why you ask me my middle name earlier?
It was. I had no interest in what your middle name actually was.
I was being very specific
about which Tom Cashman I was telling to (BEEP!) off.
The routine about small-penis prejudice is cheap
and barely in keeping with the more authentic tone
of the rest of the show.
So before, off camera,
when you started the conversation with me about what my middle name was
and then you shared your middle name,
that was all so you could tell me to (BEEP!).
Exactly right.
So I think I've been very clear.
Tom bought a really ugly rug when we lived together.
It was purple, black, white and grey shag.
It was like if a computer was in charge of home decor -
from your former flatmate.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Thanks, Pete.
What part of the welcome mat don't you understand?
Yeah.
I know you're trying to make Lesser Tom feel unwelcome
by reading out bad reviews, but the review's right.
We do have bad chemistry.
Like, I'd hate to have good chemistry with him.
That'd be embarrassing.
Would you want to have good chemistry with this guy?
Come on, banter.
Oh... See? It's shit.
It's shithouse.
So the review was right.
Now, Mel, the problem is,
I think YOU were making him feel unwelcome.
The welcome mat was actually saying, 'stand here'.
Yeah, but the welcome... That's quite welcoming.
..the welcome mat had... Oh, God.
It's like you don't watch the clips. Honestly.
But I'm just saying, the mat itself, it said 'stand here'.
I would say the mat was quite welcoming,
despite your heinous commentary.
Now, Pete. Yes, Tom?
You pretty much just spray painted five words on a mat,
and then you sat in a chair and read a book.
It was the best afternoon I had, actually.
Once again, you put in the bare minimum of effort
to get maximum results.
I mean, they're long days. They really are.
Alright, time for an ad break in which I'm going to do my best
to build up the self-esteem of my younger comrade here,
just so I can have another crack at bringing it down again later.
I'm proud of you, mate. I'm so proud of you.
Welcome back.
We're in the middle of a task that, so far,
has seen four comedians put aside their deep-rooted, inescapable loathing for themselves
and unload it instead on Tom Cashman.
Our contestants are making the most unwelcoming welcome mat possible.
I'm feeling very unwelcome, but I'm aware it's a comedy show,
so I know it's all just part of a joke.
Next up, it's Rhys Nicholson.
I'm thinking I'm gonna burn some toast.
So when you come to the house,
you have a bit of a feeling like...
"Maybe I'm having a stroke."
What can I say? It's an exciting task.
Oh, my God!
Sorry.
If he hands me another task
that now says "eat the mat,"
we're (BLEEP!).
Now you're just strolling down the street. OK.
You come up to my house...
Oh. "No Toms."
And it's toast and eggs.
Do you smell that in the air? Yeah.
I can't smell anything.
Are you all right? Maybe you should go to a hospital. Oh.
Is that what you smell when you've had a... Oh.
Is that part of the mat? Sure.
What does that say?
I'm going to eat (BLEEP!)
And that's a promise. OK.
How welcome are you feeling? Not very welcome.
Thanks for this. You're very welcome.
You're not at all. Oh.
I was gonna say...
I mean, it looks unwelcoming,
but it also just looked like you were slovenly.
It was very unwelcoming.
There was tinned chicken, which, by the way, shouldn't be a thing.
Uh, it stunk in there.
And it was all coming from the mat.
So you're going for a real odious combination of things.
It smelt really bad.
For a television show... It looked really bad. It smelt bad.
Why is it on TV?
The question we ask ourselves about Tom Cashman every day.
I'm just glad you're thinking about me every day.
I think I'm the only one
that has gotten him to say "I do not feel welcome."
And if we're basing it on the clips, that is...
..that must be pretty far up there.
I'm not... Shut the (BLEEP!) up! No.
Mine...
Bit of a mess. Let's have a look at all of them. Let's get them up.
This is pretty easy to score, I think.
Um, Mel on one, because that's actually quite welcoming,
saying 'stand here'.
Two points to Rhys,
three points to Peter Helliar,
four points to Concetta.
But definitely the most unwelcome mat is Aaron Chen.
Five points to Aaron.
Shall we look at the scoreboard, Lesser Tom?
Yes, we can. Just like doormats,
Mel and Rhys are all down in the dirt,
and in a three-way-tie, Concetta, Pete and Aaron
are walking all over them with 14 points.
PETER: What?
It's not over till it's over. Get onto our live task.
Get up there, you lot. (APPLAUSE)
I've been waiting for two seasons
for our 'comedians being burnt at the stake' task.
Aaron, can you please read the task? Sure.
(KISSES)
Win more debates than the other team.
Each team will get 45 seconds
to deliver their arguments on each m...mut.
(LAUGHTER)
It's pronounced 'moot'.
Moot.
Each team member may only say one word before rotating
so their team-mate can say the next word.
Each word must be said into the microphone.
Tom will state the first moot... (LAUGHS)
..and...and the affirmative team will begin on his whistle.
Concetta, are you ready? Yep.
Aliens exist.
Aliens. 100%.
Exist.
This. Is.
Proven. By.
Tom. Cashman.
Furthermore.
Look.
Into.
His. Dead.
Beady.
Shark.
Alien.
Eyes. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Negative team, are you ready. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Tom.
Other way.
Cashman.
Is.
Not.
An. Alien.
He. Is.
An.
Rat-bastard.
Yeah!
He.
Doesn't.
Even.
Shower.
Aliens.
Don't.
Mix.
With. Others.
So.
They.
Can't!
What?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Going to go with the affirmative team.
(APPLAUSE)
Are you ready for the second moot?
Si, as we say in the old country.
We look silly strapped together. (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Oh.
Duh.
Look.
At. Us.
Have. You.
Ever. Seen.
Two. Crazy.
Hot.
Ugly.
Women?
No.
We. Are.
Looking. Psycho.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
It's the negative team ready? (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Now. We.
Are. Finally.
Looking.
Serious.
And. This.
Is. The.
Real.
Us.
I. Am.
Me.
Yes.
Also.
Um. Sorry.
We.
Belted.
Aneurysm.
Point-made.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Well, I think the Muppets were doing really well
until all three of them had an aneurysm.
I'm awarding it to Ernie and Bert.
(APPLAUSE)
Alright. You can debate whether or not those were the right judgements,
but I really don't care.
See you after the break!
Ahoy there! We're back on board the Taskmaster ship
as we sail to our episode conclusion.
Lesser Tom, tell the people what's happening.
You're about to give out some scores for the debating task we just did.
Ah, OK. Well, Ernie and Bert were clear winners, so they get five each.
Five each. And the Muppets were doing pretty well, too.
But then the wheels completely fell off. So it's two, two, two.
But what I need to ask you is
what does that mean for our episode winner?
Our winner tonight is Concetta Caristo, on 19 points!
Congratulations, Concetta.
You are now the proud owner of less than $250 worth of art.
Please head up to the stage
to enjoy your terrible new art collection.
OK, Concetta, please continue to enjoy your time
at Australia's worst art gallery.
Remember, as with any art gallery,
it's important to put your hands behind your back
and look seriously at each painting for a good 20 seconds
to make sure everyone knows you're clever
and totally understand what's going on.
(LAUGHTER)
Where are we with the series scores, other Tom.
So at the end of episode six, it's a close race,
but Concetta is looking solid out in front
with nearly a century, on 97 points.
And as the resident mathematician, I've crunched the numbers.
And if these trends were to continue,
they would all be in the exact same order at the end of the series,
but the numbers would be a bit bigger.
(LAUGHTER)
That's it everyone, we ran out of TV for you.
We've come to the end of another episode.
But what did we learn?
We learnt that if you drop a ziplock bag of liquid
from a second-storey balcony,
it goes exactly how you think it will.
We learnt that whilst most people count sheep in their dreams,
Tom Cashman counts them in his nightmares.
And we learnt that Tony's name is Tony.
But most importantly,
we learnt that Concetta is the winner of episode six.
See you next week.
(APPLAUSE)
What have you got for me, loser?
I love you. I love you.
Shut up! That was really nasty.
I would like to talk to a lawyer.
Come on! Agh!
Time travel - dress like a condom.
Quick! (BLOWS WHISTLE)
You stupid bitch!
I love you.
He's difficult to work with.
Captions by Red Bee Media