1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,094 [cheering, applause] 4 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:32,240 [cheering continues] 5 00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:37,662 Every study they've ever done to determine who's smarter, 6 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:42,375 men or women, every study comes back and says women are smarter. 7 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,210 -Every fucking one. -[audience whoops] 8 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,588 Ladies, you shouldn't be applauding that. 9 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,424 You know I'm an asshole. 10 00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:52,051 You know this isn't gonna end well. 11 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,929 [audience chuckling, whistling] 12 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:58,725 "Did he say I'm pretty? Oh, my God." 13 00:00:58,808 --> 00:01:00,602 Get out of the relationship. 14 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,897 [chuckling] 15 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:09,652 If every study says that you're smarter-- okay-- 16 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,989 the question you should be asking yourself was, "If we're so goddamn smart, 17 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,325 how are we in the situation we're in?" 18 00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:20,747 Well? 19 00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,373 [audience laughs] 20 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:23,875 [chuckles] 21 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,671 You're in the situation you're in, not because of guys like me. 22 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,965 As much as you wanna blame me, you know? 23 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,844 Ladies, you can't tell me you never drove by a sports bar on a football Sunday 24 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,805 and looked at the humanity in there. 25 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:40,850 All those dumb guys with their big beer bellies bumping chests. 26 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:44,896 "Hey, he's on my fantasy team. Up top, yeah. 27 00:01:44,979 --> 00:01:47,482 You wanna get some more mozzarella sticks?" 28 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,775 [exclaims] 29 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,444 As a woman, with your bigger brain, 30 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:54,072 you never looked in there and thought to yourself, 31 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:57,408 "I'm fucking losing to that? I'm losing to that." 32 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:06,751 My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect. 33 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:11,506 My goodness, she-- she is so smart and interesting, 34 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:14,384 successful and charismatic. 35 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:17,887 And we all hope that he marries her one day. 36 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,390 But he calls me up earlier this week, and he was like, 37 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,269 "You know, Auntie Ali, I think I'ma break up with her. 38 00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:27,105 Yeah, because she's a boss at work, 39 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:32,068 and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around." 40 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,364 I was like, "Oh. 41 00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,367 Well, 42 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,580 that's shit's gonna happen to you no matter what." 43 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,623 [audience laughing] 44 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:54,674 Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed, 45 00:02:55,174 --> 00:03:00,179 once you get married and have kids, your wife gonna boss you around. 46 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:05,143 And you would know that if you watched House Hunters. 47 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:07,020 [audience laughing] 48 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:13,318 House Hunters is a show on HGTV 49 00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:18,990 where a couple pretends that there's a decision to be made together. 50 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:29,208 And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses. 51 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:32,211 And the audience is meant to be left in suspense. 52 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,798 "Oh, which house are they gonna choose?" 53 00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:42,513 It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay? 54 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:48,228 And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho, 55 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:52,774 or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed 56 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:56,152 where houses cost $5,000 an acre… 57 00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:59,030 [applause] 58 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:05,453 Barbara, she don't got money, power or respect, 59 00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:07,705 but Barbara is a woman. 60 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:11,751 And all women are very good at 61 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:14,587 being extremely unpleasant… 62 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,673 [audience laughs] 63 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:21,511 and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage 64 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,681 until we get what we fucking deserve, okay? 65 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,392 -Yes. -[audience cheering] 66 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,479 I'm at that age where I don't like going to the doctor. 67 00:04:32,730 --> 00:04:35,984 'Cause a lot of doctors are my age. 68 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,819 [audience laughing] 69 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:38,987 [giggles] 70 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,489 And they're Indian, which means I might know them. 71 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,118 So we're sitting there in the waiting room at NYU, right? 72 00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:47,245 Door opens, nurse come out. 73 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,040 She's like, "Dr. Gupta will see you now." 74 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,458 I'm like, "Oh… [chuckles] 75 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:55,378 …this better not be Arjun Gupta from Sacramento." 76 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:59,632 Then I hear a familiar voice. He's like, "Hasan Minhaj?" 77 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,802 I'm like, "This is Arjun Gupta from Sacramento!" [chuckles] 78 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:06,014 I know this kid. He's a fucking idiot. [chuckles] 79 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,557 [audience laughing] 80 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,935 He failed out of the Caribbean med school. 81 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,020 Twice! 82 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,480 I go, "Arjun, how are you licensed?" 83 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,107 He's like, "I don't know. 84 00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:20,361 That's why I'm a jizz doctor with a basement office. 85 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,697 Yo, drop your pants. How's auntie?" 86 00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:24,907 I'm like, "Don't talk about my mom, Arjun." 87 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,452 Beena, he's not even an MD! 88 00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:31,205 He's a goddamn DO! 89 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,416 [audience laughing] 90 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,626 Oh, boo. 91 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,088 Boo it up, DOs. In the back. 92 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,508 Doctors of osteopathic medicine hate that joke. 93 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:47,096 So MDs and DOs, they're basically the same. 94 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,765 They're both good doctors. 95 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,309 The only thing is 96 00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,729 a DO's sense of humor stops at their MCAT score. 97 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,356 [giggles] 98 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,192 You see those seats? Way back there? 99 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,735 Those are the DO seats. 100 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,363 These are the MD seats. Do you know what the difference is? 101 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,867 It's five points on your MCAT, okay? 102 00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,494 [chuckles] 103 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:13,164 So this dude is all up in my merchandise. He's like, "Bro, I know what's wrong." 104 00:06:13,247 --> 00:06:14,665 I'm like, "Stop saying 'bro.'" 105 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,251 He's like, "Son, oh… 106 00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:22,090 you got too much blood down there. It's lowering your sperm count. 107 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:25,593 So we're gonna do a dangerous surgery called varicocele repair. 108 00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:28,554 But don't worry. I'll be doing the surgery." 109 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,308 I go, "Arjun, I'm very worried." [sighs] 110 00:06:32,391 --> 00:06:34,352 You're in a lab coat and Jordans. 111 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,482 Still pulls out a trimmer. He goes, "Let me shave you right now." 112 00:06:40,441 --> 00:06:45,029 "Let's do this right here, right now." I go, "Arjun, back up. I'm not ready." 113 00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:47,782 He goes, "Listen, man. 114 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,493 If you don't get this surgery, 115 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,538 you can't have kids. 116 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:55,998 Ever." 117 00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,460 I go, "Are you serious? 118 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,713 Me and Beena, we can't have kids? 119 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:06,509 Like, you're telling me we can't start a family?" 120 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,973 See, that's the crazy thing they never tell you about adulthood. 121 00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:18,271 Life gets very real when "don't want" becomes "can't have." 122 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,774 Isn't that right, DOs? 123 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,985 [audience laughing] 124 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:30,992 I don't think anybody should feel bad if they get diagnosed with a mental illness. 125 00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:33,035 'Cause it's just information about you 126 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,538 that helps you know how to take better care of yourself. 127 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,457 -[cheering, applause] -Yeah. 128 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,126 Being bipolar-- There's nothing wrong with it. 129 00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:42,211 Being bipolar is like not knowing how to swim. 130 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,838 It might be embarrassing to tell people, 131 00:07:43,921 --> 00:07:46,549 and it might be hard to take you certain places. 132 00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,634 [audience giggling] 133 00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:55,183 But they have arm floaties. 134 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,479 And if you just take your arm floaties… 135 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,274 you can go wherever the hell you want. 136 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:06,903 And I know some of you are like, 137 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,405 "But, Taylor, what if people judge me for taking arm floaties?" 138 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,616 Well, those people don't care if you live or die, 139 00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:13,201 so maybe who cares? 140 00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:16,162 Maybe fuck those people a little. 141 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,498 -[audience cheering] -I don't know. 142 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,583 [applauding] 143 00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,715 That being said, you have to take your arm floaties. 144 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,676 Because it's not cool to know you can't swim, 145 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,887 go to the public pool anyway and jump into the deep end, 146 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,972 making it everyone else's problem. 147 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:39,894 You're thrashing around going, "I'm good." They're like, "You literally drowning." 148 00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:42,480 And then someone nice and handsome jumps in to help you, 149 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,607 and you're like, "See, I'm fine. I can totally swim." 150 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,985 And they're like, "No, you're holding him underwater. 151 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:51,906 You turned Kevin into an arm floaty, 152 00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:56,118 and that's not a fair relationship for Kevin." 153 00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:01,290 Then someone floats by you on their back and you're like, "What was that?" 154 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:05,127 And they're like, "Oh, that's someone whose parents supported them in the pool… 155 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,384 until they could be trusted not to die. 156 00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:14,887 Here are your arm floaties." 157 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:21,018 After leaving a, uh-- a taco stand one night, 158 00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:25,773 I, uh-- I realized that a lot of people needed to step out of their comfort zones 159 00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,151 in order to find alternative ways of making ends meet. 160 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:33,864 I made the mistake one night of assuming the guy working the stand was Mexican. 161 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,325 He wasn't. 162 00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:40,955 I even spoke Spanish to him, which is a no-no. 163 00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:45,626 The rule is, when engaging a brown person, you must speak English to them first, 164 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,421 and then if there's a language barrier, then you go to plan B, 165 00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:49,714 high school Spanish. 166 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,216 You start off in English. "Hello, sir, may I--" 167 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,384 [speaking Spanish] 168 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,469 Oh, hold on. I got this. I got this. 169 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:56,846 Hola. 170 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,141 [speaks Spanish, giggles] 171 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,145 So I walked up to this guy at the stand, and I was like-- 172 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,896 You know, he reminded me of a tío. 173 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:08,316 So I was like, you know… [speaks Spanish] 174 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,192 Which is like, "Hello, friend. How are you?" 175 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:11,277 And he responded… 176 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,696 [imitating heavy accent] …"What are you saying to me?" 177 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,118 "I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were Mexican." 178 00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:22,246 "No, no. I am not Mexican. I am not Mexican. 179 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,539 I am Greek." 180 00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:25,625 Greek? 181 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,044 Shit, I was way off. 182 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,212 [audience laughs] 183 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:33,674 "I'm sorry, bro. It's late, I'm tired. Can I have two tacos?" 184 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:36,469 "What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?' 185 00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:39,680 I just finished tell you I am not Mexican. I am Greek. 186 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,766 I do not sell taco. 187 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,644 I sell gyro." 188 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:46,937 Gyro? 189 00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,649 Then I remembered seeing writing on the front of the cart, 190 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,568 and I just thought it was the guy's name or something, right? 191 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,114 I was like, "It spells it out. G-Y-R-O. 192 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,075 It's a gyro." 193 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,496 He got all pissy. "It is not a gyro. It is gyro." 194 00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:05,873 "That shit says 'gyro.'" 195 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,167 "It is gyro!" 196 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,253 "Bro, I'm tired. It's late. What is a gyro?" 197 00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:17,343 "It's like a taco." 198 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,601 I found out, y'all. I'm not butch. 199 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,104 Yeah. 200 00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,647 [audience whooping] 201 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,902 I am not butch, which is shocking, I know, 202 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:38,906 'cause I have these broad shoulders and my favorite color is plaid. 203 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,035 But this is a preview to a whole different movie 204 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,663 than what you think you're about to watch. 205 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:49,875 As they say, the carpet does not match the drapes. 206 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:53,712 Two things that I do not know how to install. 207 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,887 [audience whistling, cheering] 208 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:07,601 I look very handy, though. I do. I look handy. 209 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,813 If you saw me and your car was broken down, 210 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,482 you might assume I could fix your car. 211 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,651 I got that look about me. 212 00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,154 'Cause that is what a butch lady can do. 213 00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:21,657 She can literally put your car on her back… 214 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:23,451 [pants] 215 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,911 …and walk it to a service station. 216 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,164 [panting] 217 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:31,208 She can actually just spit in your gas tank… 218 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,043 [imitates spitting] 219 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,171 …and your car will start. 220 00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:40,176 Oh, magical, but that is not me. 221 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:44,472 And men are the most mystified by this information. 222 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:47,725 They come up to me constantly at, like, a Home Depot 223 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,768 because they assume I work there. 224 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,273 They're like, "Uh, what's up, dude? Um… 225 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,275 Where are the nails?" 226 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:59,320 I'm like, "Ooh, I'm here for a potted plant." 227 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,280 [mouthing words] 228 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:06,035 "I do know they sell M&M's at the checkout." 229 00:13:10,789 --> 00:13:13,209 Ain't nobody got no COVID in here, do they? Shit. 230 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:16,045 -[audience member] No. -Uh-uh, my ass. 231 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,174 Little fake COVID card motherfuckers. 232 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,845 Yeah, COVID is some bullshit, man, you know. 233 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,680 Fuckers talking about, "Take the shot." 234 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,225 I'm-- You know-- I don't know what the fuck to do. 235 00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,852 That shit is-- They're trying to scare you with the shit. 236 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,688 "Go ahead and take it. We got a pill now." [shouts] 237 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,362 I went on and got it. I said, "Fuck it." I went on and got the motherfucking shit. 238 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,990 Yeah, I went on and got it. 239 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:48,744 When they started talking about cutting my shit off Netflix, 240 00:13:48,827 --> 00:13:51,163 I said, "Here, where you wanna hit it at? Put it--" 241 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,249 [audience laughing] 242 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,459 I said, "Hit me in the ass with it. Hit me." 243 00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:05,427 [chuckles] 244 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,722 I thought I had it. I did. I thought I had it. 245 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,308 I went to the doctor. He said, "That ain't what I said." 246 00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:12,643 I said, "What did you say?" 247 00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:16,522 He said, "I told you you tested positive for cocaine on the 19th." 248 00:14:16,605 --> 00:14:18,148 [audience laughing] 249 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:21,986 I said, "I didn't hear you. I didn't know what you said. All I heard was 19." 250 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,202 See, niggas don't wanna take the shot. 251 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:34,123 The best way to get niggas to take that shot is put it in flavors. 252 00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:39,211 That motherfucker poppin'. That pineapple Moderna, nigga? 253 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,547 Shit. 254 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,300 That watermelon Pfizer? 255 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,634 [laughing continues] 256 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,429 "Look it here, man. I'm on my ninth shot, man. 257 00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:51,807 You know they got the mango coming out next month, man." 258 00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,898 My problem with guns is 259 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,775 I don't buy either side's arguments completely, right? 260 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,945 So, the conservative argument is that guns were written in the constitution 261 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,781 because the founding fathers thought if all the citizens have guns, 262 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,910 the government will have to do what they say or else the people will rise up 263 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,494 and fight the government, right? 264 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:16,832 Which is a legitimately great idea in the 1700s, 265 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,878 but the problem is there's still people now hoarding weapons 266 00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:24,757 thinking that at some point they may need to take on the American military, 267 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,092 and they think they have a shot, right? 268 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,012 And look, maybe they're right, 269 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:33,057 which is why I'm proposing we test their theory 270 00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,018 and once a year have a head-to-head shoot-up. 271 00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:38,103 [audience laughing] 272 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,858 Say, a-- a hundred members of the NRA 273 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,402 versus, I don't know, two members of the military. 274 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,156 Broadcast it on Fox, Christmas Day. 275 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:54,995 Like, "Merry Christmas, and welcome to the 2022 NRA-military showdown. 276 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,582 Let's go down to the field of battle and meet one of our NRA combatants. 277 00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,960 Sir, what's your name? What kind of weapon you working with?" 278 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,378 He's like, "My name's Andy Baker, 279 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:05,297 and I got a AR15, wearing Kevlar head to toe." 280 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,466 "Andy, how confident are you, scale of one to ten?" 281 00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:09,176 "Fucking a million." 282 00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,095 [audience laughing] 283 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,934 "We're gonna check in with the military real quick." 284 00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,520 They cut to one guy by himself in a bunker, and he's like, 285 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:21,855 "My name's Staff Sergeant Jeremiah Walker." 286 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,857 "Jeremiah, what kind of weapon are you working with?" 287 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:27,820 He's like, "I don't know if this is fair, but I'm working with a drone. 288 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,114 [laughing continues] 289 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:39,081 Yeah, it's equipped with eight Hellfire missiles and a high-powered camera. 290 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,749 As you can see on this monitor here, 291 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,627 the NRA fellows are actually in just one big cluster. 292 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:50,175 So, uh-- I'm gonna-- Have we started? All right. 293 00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:56,015 All right, yeah, so I'm gonna hit this button right here. 294 00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,185 Yeah, now they're all dead." 295 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:04,940 "That'll do it for this year's NRA-military showdown… 296 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,401 [audience cheering] 297 00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:12,114 …brought to you by Whole Foods." 298 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,120 The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. 299 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,414 -There's some truth for you. Yeah. -[whooping] 300 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:23,250 If you're working with anything over a C cup, I got you. 301 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:27,171 I know that pain. I know how hideous our bras are, okay? 302 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:29,882 So you are my people. Anything-- 303 00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:33,177 And I know, people are like, "You've got big boobs. Is that hard?" 304 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,054 It fucking is. Okay? 305 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:37,723 -They gaslight you. That's right. -[cheering] 306 00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,059 There's where all the big tits are. Yeah. 307 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,269 The world wants you to have giant knockers, 308 00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:45,856 and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them. 309 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,357 All we want are cute bras. 310 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:50,444 Instead, they're like, "Here's a Soviet-era wind sock. 311 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:55,074 Just-Just strap it on and help plow. Just do it." 312 00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,619 You never got to wear the cute bras. 313 00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,662 Remember when you were a teenager and your girlfriends-- 314 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,874 By the way, if you have smaller breasts, if you got an A cup or a B cup, 315 00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:06,126 like, this is size-inclusive, but you don't know. 316 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,879 You don't know what it was like being friends with you 317 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,590 and all your girlfriends are like, "Let's go to the mall." Remember malls? 318 00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,843 And you'd go, and they-- "Let's go get cute bras at Abercrombie." 319 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:15,928 Remember Abercrombie? 320 00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:17,012 And you'd go with them. 321 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,180 They're running forward, 322 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:21,058 and you're carrying around your grown-woman divorcée chest 323 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:22,267 like, "Wait for me. 324 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,730 I can't run. I'm not wearing two sports bras. I'm coming." 325 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,650 They're all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle. 326 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:33,362 You're just sitting there eating a slice from Sbarro, like, "I'll be here. 327 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,700 My mom's getting me at two. I'll just be here." 328 00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:40,577 They'd have the cutest bras. 329 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:42,913 I always wanted the cute bras. None for you. 330 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:46,250 They'd come out cute. "Look at this one. It's made of moose felt. 331 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:50,963 So bucolic. Look at this one, it's got hearts on it. 332 00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:52,631 This one's got little kisses on it. 333 00:18:52,714 --> 00:18:54,716 I'm a child. Isn't this so cute? 334 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,219 This one's got feathers. 335 00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,972 This one's just two contact lenses and dental floss. 336 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,182 Bouncy." 337 00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:05,477 Not me! Not me and every other big-breasted girl. 338 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:08,772 We were getting hauled to some back-alley discount van 339 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:14,862 where some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you, 340 00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:18,824 scoop each breast into its own personal hurt locker 341 00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:22,244 and jiggle your tits around in front of your mother! 342 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,288 [audience cheering] 343 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:29,626 You're just sitting there. You've never even made out with a boy. 344 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,045 She's just grabbing at you like, "How does this feel?" 345 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,673 You're like, "I'm kinda turned on. I don't know." 346 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,637 I'm a little bit late to the self-care game. 347 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:45,976 I-- I just started using enough body lotion. 348 00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:50,314 You know what I mean? To really moisturize the whole body. 349 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,774 It's a lot of lotion. 350 00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,237 I always cheated myself. I didn't think I deserved that much. 351 00:19:58,071 --> 00:19:59,781 I always gave myself a modest amount, 352 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:03,243 started lotioning from the top down, so my legs paid the price. 353 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,705 Then I joined Costco. 354 00:20:08,832 --> 00:20:11,126 Changed my life. Costco lotion is a great value. 355 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,212 Comes in a big old container. 356 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,923 Usually has a convenient pump on top, right? 357 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,508 The only issue is, about two-thirds into the bottle, 358 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,844 the technology collapses. 359 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,513 Oh, no. 360 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:26,141 A lot of lotion left, but you can't access it via the pump. 361 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,476 The pump is dead. 362 00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,648 At that point you gotta unscrew the top and use the pump like a dipstick. 363 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,733 [audience chuckling] 364 00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:37,152 I don't like that. 365 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:42,115 Going from pumping to dipping, that's a humbling transition. 366 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:46,536 You know? 'Cause when I'm pumping, I feel carefree. I feel rich. I'm like… 367 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,665 "Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 368 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,251 Keep the change." 369 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,631 When I'm dipping, it's like, "Oh… 370 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,346 I'm an intelligent animal. 371 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,810 I can use tool." 372 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,607 [chuckling continues] 373 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:18,026 You know, you gotta twist and pull at the same time. 374 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,487 It's like buttering toast with a chopstick. 375 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:30,831 I got body lotion. I got face lotion. 376 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,583 I stepped up my game. I got eye cream. 377 00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:34,793 [audience whoops] 378 00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:37,087 That's next-level, you know? 379 00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:41,341 Eye cream is serious 'cause eye cream costs more. 380 00:21:42,759 --> 00:21:46,096 More than any other lotion you ever bought in your whole life. 381 00:21:46,179 --> 00:21:48,348 But it comes in the tiniest container. 382 00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:50,934 You have to justify this precious purchase. 383 00:21:51,018 --> 00:21:53,687 You only apply the eye cream with your ring finger. 384 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,857 The softest finger, right? 385 00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:58,859 'Cause it's the laziest finger. 386 00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:03,155 Your ring finger, it don't pick, it don't point, it don't cuss. 387 00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:07,451 It's-- It's only-- 388 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,039 Your ring finger is only good for making one promise 389 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:13,123 and eye cream. 390 00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,711 Which you apply in a gentle, dabbing motion 391 00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,671 with your mouth slightly open like… 392 00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,299 [chuckling continues] 393 00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:27,971 "This better work. 394 00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:31,266 So expensive." 395 00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:37,606 Now as an adult, though, I speak three languages. 396 00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:41,568 I speak Spanish, English and Caucasian. 397 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,863 Now, Caucasian is like English, 398 00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:47,407 but I have to use fancy words I don't normally use, 399 00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:49,618 like "organic" and "deductible." 400 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,121 Let me give you an example. 401 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,415 Like, in my everyday life, when my friends mess up, 402 00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,584 I'm like, "Bitch, you fucked up." 403 00:22:59,377 --> 00:23:03,632 But in Caucasian, I'm like, "Ma'am, that is unacceptable." 404 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:06,510 See? A little right there? A little-- 405 00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,595 [audience cheering] 406 00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:12,015 "I will fuck you up." 407 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:14,976 "Let me speak to the manager." 408 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:16,061 See? 409 00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:23,193 When my mom pees, she doesn't wipe. 410 00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:26,321 Ooh, I heard a woman right there go, "Ew." 411 00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:28,365 Look, she's covering her mouth, and she waved. 412 00:23:28,448 --> 00:23:30,033 Look, right there in the jeans. 413 00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:34,329 Jean jacket, she went, "Ugh!" Like it was a-- Like, "Oh, my God." 414 00:23:34,412 --> 00:23:37,624 And then she went like this, "That was me. That's-- Ew." 415 00:23:37,707 --> 00:23:38,708 Look at her. 416 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,379 I'm gonna tell you why. What's your name? 417 00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:43,839 -Eileen. -Eileen. 418 00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:47,592 Let me tell you why she doesn't use paper. All right, Eileen? 419 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:50,178 Because she washes it with water. So ew you, bitch. 420 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:55,308 Don't you ever disrespect my mom's pussy. 421 00:23:55,392 --> 00:24:00,230 It's the cleanest pussy in Los Ang-- [chuckles] 422 00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:03,233 She calls it a tabò. 423 00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:05,318 [audience cheering] 424 00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:08,864 It's a cup. 425 00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:13,577 There's a lot of people in here going, "What's a tabò?" 426 00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,245 Especially the ones that aren't Filipino. 427 00:24:15,328 --> 00:24:17,080 I'ma tell you what a tabò is. 428 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:18,999 A tabò can be anything. 429 00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,878 A coffee mug with a broken handle. 430 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,046 [audience chuckling] 431 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:28,550 An empty I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! container. 432 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,805 Or my mom's favorite, a Super Big Gulp cup. 433 00:24:35,098 --> 00:24:38,101 "Because it holds 44 ounces of water, Joseph. 434 00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:40,729 I can really clean it, huh?" 435 00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:45,817 And my mom's tabò sits in the same spot it always sat in 436 00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:48,236 since the day she moved to this country. 437 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,407 Between the-- Between the shower and the toilet. 438 00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:57,412 That little area right there is called tabò lane. 439 00:24:59,331 --> 00:25:01,833 And that's where my mom's special cup sits. 440 00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,337 And I know there's a lot of guys in here that aren't Filipino going, 441 00:25:05,420 --> 00:25:07,339 "Why are you telling us this, Jo Koy?" 442 00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:08,965 Well, I'll tell you why. 443 00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:12,385 Say you start dating a Filipino chick and things go well. 444 00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,639 You hook up one night, and you stay the night at her house. 445 00:25:15,722 --> 00:25:18,475 You wake up, brush your teeth, and you're like, "I need a cup." 446 00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:21,394 -Don't use that fucking cup. -[audience laughing] 447 00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:26,524 That cup is not for your mouth. 448 00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:32,614 Anytime my wife and I go out, when we go back to the house, 449 00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:36,743 she's always shocked how fast I get into bed, all right? 450 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:41,581 I don't know what you people do after a night out, 451 00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:45,877 but I go home, I brush my teeth, take my clothes-- And boom. 452 00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:47,128 Right in bed. 453 00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:49,756 There's no washing the face. 454 00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,967 I just washed it two hours ago. 455 00:25:52,050 --> 00:25:57,806 What? I'm gonna take a-- a sink bath after going out for an hour and a half? 456 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:05,355 My wife always walks in the bedroom, "Oh, my God. You're in bed already?" 457 00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:08,108 "Yeah. It's nighttime. 458 00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:11,361 What did you think I was gonna do? Cut the lawn? 459 00:26:11,444 --> 00:26:13,738 Get in. Get in." 460 00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,283 [chuckling] 461 00:26:21,454 --> 00:26:23,999 I don't know what she does in that bathroom. 462 00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:28,169 The noises that are coming out of there. 463 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,007 The water-- [imitates water spurting] 464 00:26:34,342 --> 00:26:37,387 She comes out rolling her face with some spiked roller. 465 00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:41,391 I go, "Is that-- You're bleeding. Is that helping you? 466 00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:45,395 My mother uses that to make pasta. 467 00:26:45,478 --> 00:26:49,357 Why are you using that on your forehead?" 468 00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:56,865 Then she puts some Korean mask on. You ever see the m-- 469 00:26:56,948 --> 00:27:00,994 As soon as you see the mask, you're like, "No sex tonight. There goes that." 470 00:27:01,828 --> 00:27:04,497 I'm gonna make love to a hockey goalie? 471 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:09,586 "Just blink, babe, so I know you're enjoying this. 472 00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:12,505 You under that thing?" 473 00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:20,722 White schools do not celebrate Black History Month 474 00:27:20,805 --> 00:27:23,475 the same way Black schools do. 475 00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:24,559 Mm-mmm. 476 00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:26,770 White schools celebrate Black History Month 477 00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:29,773 according to how many Black kids is at the school. 478 00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:33,443 So if it's four niggas, it's four days. 479 00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:35,528 [audience chuckling] 480 00:27:36,279 --> 00:27:38,156 Let's just say, at my kids' fucking school, 481 00:27:38,239 --> 00:27:40,909 Spirit Week lasts longer than Black History Month. 482 00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,244 And the few white people I see here, 483 00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:46,164 I don't know if you know how important Black History Month is to us, 484 00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:49,417 but we used to go all-out for that shit, didn't we, Black people? 485 00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,503 You had to dress up as a Black hero 486 00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,881 and be that fucking Black hero for 30 fucking days. 487 00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:59,469 Now I know what you're thinking. "Ms. Pat, it's only 28 days." 488 00:27:59,552 --> 00:28:01,346 Fuck you, we took them two days back. 489 00:28:02,180 --> 00:28:04,099 [scattered applause] 490 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:05,975 So let me give you an example. 491 00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:08,520 If your child chose to be Harriet Tubman, 492 00:28:08,603 --> 00:28:11,564 your child had to be Harriet fucking Tubman. 493 00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:17,320 Your child had to be smart, be able to lead, be good at hide-and-seek… 494 00:28:19,572 --> 00:28:21,658 and be able to pistol-whip a nigga. 495 00:28:22,742 --> 00:28:24,702 And have a strong-ass face. 496 00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:31,084 Niggas, don't play with me. 497 00:28:32,335 --> 00:28:34,546 You know Harriet wasn't fucking cute. 498 00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:39,175 You know good and damn well Harriet looked like her uncle. 499 00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:41,386 [audience laughing] 500 00:28:41,469 --> 00:28:42,929 [chuckles] 501 00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:46,516 Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I don't appreciate Harriet, 'cause I do. 502 00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:50,395 'Cause without Harriet, I'd be sucking some white dude dick against my will. 503 00:28:55,191 --> 00:28:58,111 Y'all act like y'all would fuck Harriet. Ain't a nigga here that'd fuck Harriet. 504 00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,613 Would you fuck Harriet? You a girl. I'm sorry. 505 00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:03,366 [audience cheering] 506 00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:08,329 You probably would fuck Harriet, but-- 507 00:29:08,413 --> 00:29:10,415 [cackling] 508 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,544 I'm sorry, I didn't see you. My glasses ain't on. 509 00:29:15,128 --> 00:29:18,131 You probably would eat the shit out of her, but I'm sorry. 510 00:29:18,214 --> 00:29:19,549 [cackling] 511 00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:24,804 Ah, anything to be free, ain't that right, bitch? 512 00:29:24,888 --> 00:29:26,514 [cackling] 513 00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,101 Eat your way straight out of master house. 514 00:29:33,104 --> 00:29:35,190 Someone tried to hug me today. [chuckles] 515 00:29:35,273 --> 00:29:37,400 I mean, I sound like a dick, 516 00:29:38,234 --> 00:29:41,571 but this older woman was very sweet, and she saw me, and we both froze, 517 00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:44,866 and she goes, "Oh, no. Wait a second. 518 00:29:45,533 --> 00:29:48,828 No. Are you someone?" 519 00:29:50,079 --> 00:29:52,040 And I go, "Yes, I am." 520 00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:55,376 And she goes, "Give me a hug." 521 00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:56,878 I go, "Oh, no." 522 00:29:56,961 --> 00:30:00,215 Not because I don't like it. It's just I'm terrified. 523 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:01,299 You know what I mean? 524 00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:02,884 Who's hugging still? 525 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:05,345 I go, "Maybe I could just get away with a fist bump." 526 00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:08,348 She goes, "Nope. Come here. I'm a hugger." 527 00:30:08,431 --> 00:30:09,849 [imitates cawing] 528 00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:14,813 She did this eight-foot wingspan, and she came in for the kill. 529 00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:18,441 And I gave up. I said, "All right, bring it in. Let's both die. Come on." 530 00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:21,736 Because I don't know what's going on. Is she sick? I don't-- 531 00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:24,072 But that's how paranoid I am. 532 00:30:24,155 --> 00:30:26,991 And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger," can we get rid of that? 533 00:30:27,075 --> 00:30:28,535 I mean, it's not working anymore. 534 00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:31,412 "I'm a hugger" and that's it? No questions asked? 535 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,708 That shouldn't work anymore for obvious reasons, 536 00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:39,045 and it definitely doesn't work with guys for probably a hundred reasons. 537 00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:41,673 I mean, my uncle was like that. 538 00:30:41,756 --> 00:30:43,925 "Come on. Come here. I'm an ass-grabber. 539 00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:46,511 Get in here. Give me that juicy ass. 540 00:30:46,594 --> 00:30:49,722 No, it's okay. I'm just an ass-grabber. 541 00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:54,269 Don't be weird about it. No, I grab asses, and I like it." 542 00:30:55,061 --> 00:30:56,229 "No, we understand that part." 543 00:30:56,312 --> 00:31:00,024 "I'm an old-school guy. It's part of my charm. 544 00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:02,986 I'm a camel toe grazer, and that's what I do. 545 00:31:03,069 --> 00:31:04,946 Just a little bit on the knuckles. 546 00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:07,198 I don't even feel it. I have no nerve endings. 547 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:08,825 You can't get mad. 548 00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,370 Ask my family. I've been doing it forever. 549 00:31:13,621 --> 00:31:17,834 I like to bump a biscuit now and then, and everyone's been cool with it. 550 00:31:19,252 --> 00:31:22,922 I don't wanna change. Don't be so woke. Come on." 551 00:31:25,174 --> 00:31:27,510 I went to England, and I went to a dog show. 552 00:31:27,594 --> 00:31:29,304 We were filming something, obviously, 553 00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,265 'cause I would never seriously go to a dog show. 554 00:31:34,017 --> 00:31:38,646 And I saw a Bernese Mountain Dog. I had never seen this type of dog before. 555 00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:39,856 I was like, "Oh, my God. 556 00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:43,401 This is like something I'd conjure up in my best dream." 557 00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:46,571 They're perfect. They're black and brown and white. 558 00:31:46,654 --> 00:31:50,199 And they're lazy, you know? They don't wanna do anything. I was like-- 559 00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:53,202 You can tell in their eyes that they just have no gumption. 560 00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:54,746 You're like… 561 00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:56,331 I was like, I want that dog. 562 00:31:56,414 --> 00:31:58,499 I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner. 563 00:31:58,583 --> 00:32:01,711 I said, "You need to get me a Bernese Mountain Dog." 564 00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:07,216 But when you're a celebrity, you cannot buy a dog. 565 00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:09,719 You have to rescue all of your animals. 566 00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:14,557 Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down. 567 00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:16,643 [audience laughs] 568 00:32:19,395 --> 00:32:21,189 So I told my assistant, Tanner, 569 00:32:21,272 --> 00:32:25,818 "You need to find me a used Bernese Mountain Dog." 570 00:32:25,902 --> 00:32:27,612 [scattered applause] 571 00:32:27,695 --> 00:32:29,697 [audience chuckling] 572 00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:39,415 And two weeks later, this seven-pound, two-week-old Bernese Mountain Dog 573 00:32:39,499 --> 00:32:41,417 traipsed into my life, and I couldn't believe it. 574 00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,086 I named him Gary right away. 575 00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,591 But I hadn't thought it through because puppies are energetic. 576 00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:50,343 They wanna play. That's all they wanna do. 577 00:32:50,426 --> 00:32:53,680 And their teeth are sharp, and they jump on everything, 578 00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,056 and they're annoying. 579 00:32:57,016 --> 00:32:58,810 And my two other dogs met Gary. 580 00:32:58,893 --> 00:33:02,230 Within two hours, they went upstairs to the second floor 581 00:33:02,313 --> 00:33:04,399 and didn't come down for two weeks. 582 00:33:05,566 --> 00:33:09,028 One of them texted me and said, "Let us know when Gary's gone." 583 00:33:16,285 --> 00:33:19,747 Within 48 hours, Gary had eaten two of my sofas. 584 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:22,625 Not even my cushions. The entire sofa. 585 00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:25,253 I was like, "Oh, my God, what is"-- 586 00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:27,755 We had to remove all of the downstairs furniture. 587 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:29,799 I was basically living in an empty warehouse, 588 00:33:29,882 --> 00:33:34,178 wearing a miner's lamp and kneepads, waiting for the next altercation. 589 00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:42,353 On day four, I found a dead owl in my backyard. 590 00:33:43,312 --> 00:33:45,398 I didn't even know owls were real. 591 00:33:46,441 --> 00:33:48,443 [audience laughing] 592 00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:56,951 I thought they were from Game of Thrones. 593 00:33:59,662 --> 00:34:02,874 One of my dreams came true. I got to go to Switzerland for the first time. 594 00:34:02,957 --> 00:34:04,083 One of my dreams. 595 00:34:04,167 --> 00:34:07,336 If you don't know, I'll tell you why it was such a big dream of mine. 596 00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:10,381 My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman, from South Africa. 597 00:34:10,465 --> 00:34:12,300 I grew up in South Africa, right? 598 00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,052 [speaks Xhosa] 599 00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:17,889 My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland. White man, right? 600 00:34:17,972 --> 00:34:20,016 And so, I never got to go to Switzerland. 601 00:34:20,099 --> 00:34:22,935 When I got the chance, I never really made the time, then I couldn't go. 602 00:34:23,019 --> 00:34:26,022 And then finally, now, we went to Switzerland for the first time. 603 00:34:26,105 --> 00:34:29,734 And it was liberating, you know? 'Cause here's the thing. 604 00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:32,028 My whole life, my whole life, 605 00:34:32,111 --> 00:34:38,284 I have always felt like my dad didn't really love me, okay? 606 00:34:38,367 --> 00:34:42,497 And then now, when I went and met him in Switzerland, 607 00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:43,581 I was like, "No. 608 00:34:44,207 --> 00:34:45,708 He's just Swiss." 609 00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,794 [audience laughing] 610 00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:49,295 They're all like that! 611 00:34:52,590 --> 00:34:53,966 It was a bit weird though. 612 00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:55,802 I tried to surprise him, though. 613 00:34:55,885 --> 00:34:58,721 I tried to surprise him by learning German. 614 00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:01,432 We hadn't seen each other for a while, and because he speaks German, 615 00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:03,768 I thought I was gonna surprise him on the trip, you know? 616 00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:06,187 I went on Duolingo, did a bunch of studying, 617 00:35:06,270 --> 00:35:09,524 and I got to Germany, got over there and practiced, the whole thing, 618 00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:11,317 got to Switzerland and was like, "This is it." 619 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,402 I was ready, like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad." 620 00:35:13,486 --> 00:35:15,196 I planned to get to his house, knock on the door. 621 00:35:15,279 --> 00:35:17,073 He was gonna open it and be surprised like, "Trevor!" 622 00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:19,742 Then I would be like, "Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!" 623 00:35:19,826 --> 00:35:23,246 He was gonna be like… [speaking German] 624 00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:25,665 And be like… [sings in German] 625 00:35:26,249 --> 00:35:28,793 It was gonna be a whole thing. I had it all planned out. 626 00:35:29,669 --> 00:35:30,920 Didn't go according to plan. 627 00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:34,173 I got there. He was surprised. He was happy. 628 00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:36,843 But as soon as I spoke, like, "Papa! Ich sprechen Deutsch!" 629 00:35:36,926 --> 00:35:39,512 He was like, "Don't do that. Don't do that, huh? 630 00:35:39,595 --> 00:35:41,264 No. Don't do that. No." 631 00:35:43,558 --> 00:35:45,643 It's a different world now, man. 632 00:35:45,726 --> 00:35:47,603 It's a different world, isn't it? 633 00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:51,274 Cruise ships? You'll never see a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye. 634 00:35:52,066 --> 00:35:54,652 Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is. 635 00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,154 Oh… 636 00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:58,990 Fuck, COVID changed everything. 637 00:35:59,073 --> 00:36:03,911 First off, every cruise ship is booked up to the year 2026. 638 00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:07,081 People cannot wait to get aboard the plague barge 639 00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:10,126 and sail the bounding main. 640 00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:14,255 "Oh, let me die near a waterslide!" 641 00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,429 Not only are buffets gonna come back, 642 00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:24,724 they're gonna come back with this weird, "own the libs" vengeance to 'em. 643 00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:26,559 Every single one's gonna have an agenda. 644 00:36:26,642 --> 00:36:30,813 "Come on down to Captain COVID's Alpha-Males-Only Buffet. 645 00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:35,943 You the kind of left-wing soy boy 646 00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:39,155 that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder? 647 00:36:39,238 --> 00:36:41,824 Or are you able to fuck your wife? 648 00:36:41,908 --> 00:36:45,703 Then come on down to Captain COVID's. 649 00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:51,918 You show us proof you ain't been vaccinated, 650 00:36:52,001 --> 00:36:55,004 you get a free platter of room-temperature scallops. 651 00:36:55,087 --> 00:36:56,923 [audience chuckles] 652 00:36:57,506 --> 00:36:58,507 That's right." 653 00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:04,931 Cancel me. 654 00:37:06,432 --> 00:37:08,809 Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word. 655 00:37:09,685 --> 00:37:12,730 Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me. 656 00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:19,153 If you really think you have the ability to cancel me, 657 00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:23,157 sitting in your underwear at home, on your fucking phone, do it. 658 00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:27,328 Cancel me. Cancel me. 659 00:37:27,411 --> 00:37:31,207 I left three countries with free health care and no guns. 660 00:37:31,290 --> 00:37:32,458 [audience laughing] 661 00:37:36,504 --> 00:37:40,633 I moved to America in 2015 already prepared to die. 662 00:37:45,012 --> 00:37:49,892 You think MAGA idiots, Asian hate, uncontrolled COVID, 663 00:37:49,976 --> 00:37:52,979 Twitter people scare me? 664 00:37:53,062 --> 00:37:55,648 Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me. 665 00:37:55,731 --> 00:37:59,443 What are you gonna do? Cancel me so I have to go back to Malaysia? 666 00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:02,280 Where I'm a national hero? 667 00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:04,407 [audience chuckling] 668 00:38:05,574 --> 00:38:09,370 And the currency advantage is very much in my favor? 669 00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:12,373 Oh, no! [imitates crying] 670 00:38:12,456 --> 00:38:14,583 How will I ever survive? 671 00:38:14,667 --> 00:38:16,168 Do it. Do it. 672 00:38:17,044 --> 00:38:18,713 Free me from this hell. 673 00:38:21,674 --> 00:38:23,134 Welcome to my show. 674 00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:25,761 It's not a show. There's no dancers or jugglers. 675 00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:27,930 It's basically a bloke talking. 676 00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:31,017 Which is essentially what stand-up comedy is, isn't it? A bloke talking. 677 00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:32,727 Sexist. Um… 678 00:38:37,356 --> 00:38:40,067 What about all the funny female comedians? 679 00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:41,652 Like, um… 680 00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:45,239 -[audience laughing] -No. No, no. Right. 681 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:46,657 No, no, no, no. 682 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,492 I'm not doing that. Okay, right. 683 00:38:48,576 --> 00:38:49,910 That was irony, okay? 684 00:38:49,994 --> 00:38:53,205 There's gonna be a bit of that throughout the show. See if you can spot it. 685 00:38:53,289 --> 00:38:57,626 Now, that's when I say something I don't really mean for comic effect, 686 00:38:57,710 --> 00:38:58,836 and you, as an audience, 687 00:38:58,919 --> 00:39:01,881 you laugh at the wrong thing 'cause you know what the right thing is. 688 00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:03,883 It's a way of satirizing attitudes. 689 00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:04,967 Like that first joke. 690 00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:08,179 I used the old-fashioned, sexist trope that women aren't funny. 691 00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:11,098 Now, in real life, I know there are loads of funny women. 692 00:39:11,182 --> 00:39:12,391 Like, um… 693 00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:16,228 I did it again. Well spotted. Good. 694 00:39:18,064 --> 00:39:19,273 No, but there are. 695 00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:22,568 Dame Edna Everage. She's… 696 00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:25,279 Uh… 697 00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:28,532 Eddie Izzard. 698 00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:33,788 She's brilliant, isn't she? 699 00:39:34,997 --> 00:39:40,252 She's not only a great comedienne, she's also a great actress. Isn't she? 700 00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:44,048 She was brilliant in that thing as that man, wasn't she? 701 00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:49,929 And upgrade your sex toys, goddamn it. 702 00:39:50,888 --> 00:39:53,557 Some of y'all's sex toys are older than your kids. 703 00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:57,728 Got that same rabbit and tongue, 704 00:39:59,563 --> 00:40:01,816 wand, bullet. 705 00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:05,152 It ain't even a bullet no more. It's a slingshot and shit. 706 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,655 Upgrade your shit. 707 00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:11,742 There's some new shit out there right now called "Tracy's Dog." 708 00:40:12,618 --> 00:40:14,245 [audience members whooping] 709 00:40:14,328 --> 00:40:16,247 [audience laughing] 710 00:40:23,212 --> 00:40:25,589 Those testimonial hollers right there. 711 00:40:28,467 --> 00:40:31,137 Shando, let him use you, sister. Go ahead. 712 00:40:32,805 --> 00:40:35,141 [chuckling] 713 00:40:35,224 --> 00:40:39,186 Tracy's Dog. This motherfucker is serious, you hear me? 714 00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:41,564 It's only 50 motherfucking dollars, yo. 715 00:40:41,647 --> 00:40:44,984 My son's mother, she said, "I can't keep that motherfucker in the house 716 00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:47,445 'cause I ain't getting shit done with it in there. 717 00:40:47,528 --> 00:40:50,114 I can't get shit done with that motherfucker in there." 718 00:40:50,197 --> 00:40:52,741 And this motherfucker 50 fucking dollars, you hear me? 719 00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:54,452 And it's this U-shaped device, right? 720 00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:57,246 This part go in and vibrating, then it curve around to the top. 721 00:40:57,329 --> 00:41:00,666 And on top is the sucking mechanism that go right on the clit. 722 00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:02,668 All it do is suck. Just… 723 00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:04,295 [imitates sucking] 724 00:41:05,254 --> 00:41:08,883 Ten speeds of sucking on this motherfucker. 725 00:41:09,508 --> 00:41:13,012 This bitch will collapse your forehead, I promise you. 726 00:41:13,095 --> 00:41:14,680 [audience chuckles] 727 00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:16,098 It's serious. 728 00:41:16,182 --> 00:41:18,267 Now, go ahead. Put it in your phone. Go ahead. 729 00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:21,145 No, go ahead before you forget. Put it in your-- 730 00:41:21,228 --> 00:41:24,648 Don't worry about who looking at you. Put it in your phone. 731 00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:26,692 You old women, put it-- 732 00:41:26,775 --> 00:41:28,986 You know your mind ain't like it used to be. 733 00:41:29,069 --> 00:41:31,322 Go ahead. Put it in your phone before you forget it. 734 00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:33,741 Sitting there, trying to remember that shit. 735 00:41:33,824 --> 00:41:36,535 [laughs] "He's so silly. 736 00:41:36,619 --> 00:41:40,164 "Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog. 737 00:41:40,664 --> 00:41:42,833 Tracy's Dog. Tracy's Dog. 738 00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:45,836 Okay, I know a bitch. She named Tracy. She got a dog. 739 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:47,338 It's Tracy's… 740 00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:49,590 Okay, Tracy's-- Tracy's Dog." 741 00:41:52,593 --> 00:41:55,679 You putting tape over your camera on your computer, sir? 742 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:57,389 You are? I knew it. 743 00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:01,644 Putting tape over your computer camera, you're like, 744 00:42:01,727 --> 00:42:03,812 "Russia's not gonna see this dick." 745 00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:12,530 "They don't deserve to see this V-neck and this dick." 746 00:42:16,408 --> 00:42:17,993 You deleting your cookies? 747 00:42:19,203 --> 00:42:23,040 You don't know? You're not sure? That means, "Yes. Every 20 seconds." 748 00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:26,001 All the guys in my office are like, 749 00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:28,420 "We need a program that deletes all our cookies." 750 00:42:28,504 --> 00:42:31,382 I'm like, "How much weird-ass porn are you watching?" 751 00:42:31,465 --> 00:42:35,010 Where's our homey? Where's 65? Where's our guy? Did he pass on? 752 00:42:35,094 --> 00:42:36,095 Okay, there he is. 753 00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:40,391 Listen to me. They-- If you can hear me, listen. 754 00:42:40,474 --> 00:42:43,477 They watch all the porn on the Internet, 755 00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:46,397 and then they complain that it doesn't get deleted fast enough. 756 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:47,731 They have to delete cookies. 757 00:42:47,815 --> 00:42:52,152 Do you have any idea what he had to do when he wanted to see a pair of titties? 758 00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:56,949 He had to drive into town, 759 00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:01,412 look for a newsstand. 760 00:43:01,495 --> 00:43:04,748 He had to look a grown man in the eye 761 00:43:05,833 --> 00:43:10,421 and say, "I would like a Big Beaver magazine, please." 762 00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:14,633 [cheering, applause] 763 00:43:18,262 --> 00:43:21,599 His cookies was a human man 764 00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:26,520 who he could run into at the grocery store or church, whenever. 765 00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,855 He never knew. 766 00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:32,067 If he wanted to delete his cookies, he had to kill his friend. 767 00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:40,367 I saw an article the other day that said the movie Snow White is now problematic. 768 00:43:40,451 --> 00:43:41,744 And it's like, all right. 769 00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:44,538 Look, if a movie is 75-plus years old, 770 00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:48,917 let's just assume there's a few problems and go about our day. 771 00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:51,587 We don't need a think piece every time. 772 00:43:52,254 --> 00:43:53,756 But of course, I read the article, 773 00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:55,924 and it said, "Look, the movie is problematic 774 00:43:56,008 --> 00:44:00,012 because he kisses her and she's sleeping. There's no consent." 775 00:44:00,095 --> 00:44:03,474 And I was like, "All right. But it was a quick kiss, and it saved her life." 776 00:44:03,557 --> 00:44:07,645 It's not-- It's not like he's making out with her while jacking off, 777 00:44:07,728 --> 00:44:10,606 and the dwarves are filming. 778 00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:12,775 It was pretty tastefully done, huh? 779 00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:18,530 I don't think that movie has ever inspired a sexual assault. 780 00:44:19,323 --> 00:44:23,285 I don't think there's a dude in prison right now, like, "Disney lied." 781 00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:24,912 [audience laughs] 782 00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,208 If you pass out and you get kissed by a prince, 783 00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:32,378 it's not-- it's not exactly the worst-case scenario, you know? 784 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,880 I'm not saying it's okay, but that's-- 785 00:44:34,963 --> 00:44:38,717 If you're unconscious, that is most likely not who's gonna kiss you. 786 00:44:44,056 --> 00:44:46,975 Maybe Prince Andrew, but normally, you know, it's… 787 00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,019 Right? Okay. 788 00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:51,105 [audience members whooping] 789 00:44:53,649 --> 00:44:56,151 Is the canceling real anymore? I don't know. 790 00:44:56,652 --> 00:45:01,407 Cut to me in a basement in two years, like, "It's real. It's-- It's very real." 791 00:45:01,490 --> 00:45:04,576 But some of it seems ridiculous. 792 00:45:04,660 --> 00:45:07,913 Like Dr. Seuss last year. They were like, "He's canceled." 793 00:45:07,996 --> 00:45:10,416 I was like, "I'm pretty sure he's dead. I don't know-- 794 00:45:11,291 --> 00:45:14,211 He's not frantically checking his Twitter right now." 795 00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,089 I saw one that said, "Dr. Seuss is under fire." 796 00:45:17,172 --> 00:45:21,260 I was like, "He's underground. He's not-- He's not with us anymore." 797 00:45:21,927 --> 00:45:25,639 I guess he had some racist stuff in some of the lesser-known children's books. 798 00:45:25,722 --> 00:45:27,850 Of course, Tucker Carlson comes on the news like, 799 00:45:27,933 --> 00:45:29,601 "They're coming for Seuss. 800 00:45:32,312 --> 00:45:35,190 It's Seuss today. It could be any of us tomorrow. 801 00:45:36,608 --> 00:45:39,486 You need to pick a side in the Seuss wars." 802 00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,406 There were people spending thousands of dollars 803 00:45:42,489 --> 00:45:45,159 on the racist Dr. Seuss books for I don't know what occasion. 804 00:45:45,242 --> 00:45:46,910 I don't know when you break those out. 805 00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:49,496 "Daddy, will you read me Cat in the Hat?" 806 00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:51,707 He's like, "Nah, I got the good shit." 807 00:45:52,833 --> 00:45:55,878 We're gonna do a little Jew in the Zoo tonight. That's-- 808 00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:02,259 The one that broke my heart more than anything 809 00:46:02,342 --> 00:46:05,762 was when we lost Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul. 810 00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:08,390 Tried to pay my respects and watch the funeral, 811 00:46:08,474 --> 00:46:10,184 but that funeral was so long. 812 00:46:10,934 --> 00:46:13,228 I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go." 813 00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:16,231 She's supposed to be with the Lord. 814 00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:19,443 That funeral was so long, they turned off my cable. 815 00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:23,363 I said, "This funeral done went through two billing cycles." 816 00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,657 They call me, "Why ain't you paying your bill?" 817 00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:27,326 I said, "I'm still at the funeral." 818 00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:29,953 Let her go. 819 00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:33,582 I never seen a pastor preach the whole Bible. 820 00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:36,752 This nigga didn't miss a scripture. 821 00:46:37,377 --> 00:46:39,171 I knew we were gonna be there a long time 822 00:46:39,254 --> 00:46:41,840 'cause the nigga come out talking about, "In the beginning…" 823 00:46:42,716 --> 00:46:44,134 I said, "The beginning?" 824 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,055 What do Adam and Eve got to do with a funeral? 825 00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:51,517 Let her go. She's supposed to be with the Lord. 826 00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:54,102 CNN was there. They was unplugging their shit. 827 00:46:54,186 --> 00:46:55,938 "Come on. Let's get the fuck out of here." 828 00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:58,815 We've been here for three weeks. 829 00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:01,735 Don Lemon supposed to be on TV right now. 830 00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:04,696 I kept hollering at the TV, "Let her go!" 831 00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:08,575 I knew it was long when Aretha got up to change dresses. 832 00:47:08,659 --> 00:47:10,536 [audience laughing] 833 00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:14,248 "I'm gonna wear something different in the second half of the funeral." 834 00:47:14,331 --> 00:47:16,375 I said, "The second half? 835 00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:19,586 Who has a halftime at a funeral?" 836 00:47:20,128 --> 00:47:23,298 Let her go. She's supposed to be with the Lord. 837 00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:28,220 That funeral was so long, nigga, they held her in Detroit so long, 838 00:47:28,303 --> 00:47:32,558 by the time she finally did make it to the Pearly Gates to get into heaven, 839 00:47:32,641 --> 00:47:35,769 an angel came to the door and said, "God gone." 840 00:47:37,604 --> 00:47:39,856 You supposed to been here three weeks ago. 841 00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:42,359 He touched you on the third. It's the 21st. 842 00:47:43,402 --> 00:47:45,654 I know you the queen, but he the king. 843 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:50,158 You just can't have the Lord just waiting for you, Aretha. 844 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:51,952 This is no kind of respect. 845 00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:58,041 Florida's got a new bill. People call it the Don't Say Gay bill. 846 00:47:58,125 --> 00:48:01,211 One of the provisions in this bill that they dropped 847 00:48:01,295 --> 00:48:04,506 was that teachers were gonna have to out kids as gay 848 00:48:04,590 --> 00:48:06,800 to their parents within six months. 849 00:48:06,883 --> 00:48:10,178 Which is horrible but hilarious. 850 00:48:10,262 --> 00:48:11,513 -[gasps] -[audience gasps] 851 00:48:11,597 --> 00:48:15,559 When you think of the calls the teachers would have to make… 852 00:48:17,603 --> 00:48:19,730 "Hey, Mr. Morris. How are you? Yeah. 853 00:48:20,314 --> 00:48:21,982 I'm Todd's English teacher. 854 00:48:22,608 --> 00:48:25,986 Yeah, he's doing great. No, no problems. He's doing great. 855 00:48:26,069 --> 00:48:28,905 He is very close with another boy though. 856 00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:32,951 They laugh a lot. They take the bus together. 857 00:48:33,535 --> 00:48:35,037 Oh, that's his brother? 858 00:48:35,704 --> 00:48:37,539 Okay. No, nothing. Nothing, uh… 859 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,628 Nothing at all. How are you? Are you good? [chuckles] 860 00:48:43,128 --> 00:48:45,547 Yeah, I'm just checking up on everybody." 861 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:49,926 I would call. I'd give it no context. 862 00:48:50,636 --> 00:48:51,970 "Hey, Mrs. Miller. 863 00:48:52,596 --> 00:48:54,765 Your daughter's a les." 864 00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:00,020 Let them figure it out. 865 00:49:01,521 --> 00:49:02,606 You know? 866 00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:05,901 It also makes teachers look horrible, you know? 867 00:49:05,984 --> 00:49:09,321 "I watched your son jerk off with his friend. I think they're gay. 868 00:49:09,946 --> 00:49:13,367 No, I did. I-- I filmed it. I knew you wouldn't believe me. 869 00:49:14,534 --> 00:49:17,037 Do you want to see it? It's my job. 870 00:49:17,120 --> 00:49:20,582 No, it's my job. I'm a teacher." 871 00:49:25,003 --> 00:49:28,131 I'm so sick of motherfuckers talking shit about Joe Biden. 872 00:49:28,799 --> 00:49:31,093 "Joe need to get his shit together." 873 00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:35,097 "You need to wake up, Joe." 874 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,394 "Go Brandon, Joe." 875 00:49:43,730 --> 00:49:45,732 The fuck is wrong with you people? 876 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:48,026 Who raised you? 877 00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:53,949 Joe Biden is 96 motherfucking years old, bitch. 878 00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:58,870 You gave pawpaw the job, bitch. 879 00:50:00,163 --> 00:50:04,000 You gave great-granddaddy the job, bitch. 880 00:50:05,335 --> 00:50:08,547 Now you want big daddy to get his shit together? 881 00:50:10,674 --> 00:50:13,844 Joe Biden is doing the best he motherfucking can. 882 00:50:14,886 --> 00:50:17,472 That man is 97 years old. 883 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:23,854 People talking shit about Joe Biden. 884 00:50:23,937 --> 00:50:26,982 "I don't like the way he left Afghanistan." 885 00:50:27,566 --> 00:50:31,737 Bitch, how the fuck do you think a 98-year-old man leave a fight? 886 00:50:34,239 --> 00:50:36,575 Quickly and quietly, bitch. 887 00:50:39,244 --> 00:50:41,121 Joe Biden left Afghanistan like this. 888 00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:44,750 [audience laughing] 889 00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:53,091 Joe is doing the best he fucking can. 890 00:50:54,468 --> 00:50:58,096 Give him a fucking break. Joe is 99 goddamn years-- 891 00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:00,682 [laughing continues] 892 00:51:04,144 --> 00:51:06,146 If you lucky enough to have a great-granddaddy, 893 00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:07,856 call him up right now on the phone 894 00:51:07,939 --> 00:51:12,319 and ask him is he ready to do 12 press conferences tomorrow, bitch. 895 00:51:13,069 --> 00:51:14,696 No, he is not. 896 00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,912 I mean, does anyone here look in the mirror 897 00:51:21,995 --> 00:51:23,413 and feel good about what they see? 898 00:51:23,497 --> 00:51:24,998 -No. -Yeah. 899 00:51:25,081 --> 00:51:28,418 Yeah. There's usually one guy and Lizzo. 900 00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:30,587 [audience laughing] 901 00:51:33,632 --> 00:51:34,841 You know? 902 00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:36,134 And I get it with Lizzo. 903 00:51:36,218 --> 00:51:38,970 She plays the flute. It's very sexy. It's cool. 904 00:51:40,472 --> 00:51:43,642 But who's that guy? I mean, you know those guys that are just like… 905 00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:45,560 [audience chuckling] 906 00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:54,903 Like, the sun is always in their eyes, you know what I mean? 907 00:51:57,948 --> 00:52:00,283 Always touching their chests, you know? 908 00:52:07,707 --> 00:52:10,252 I'm like, what is the-- What is his morning like? 909 00:52:11,378 --> 00:52:14,005 You know? Does he look in the mirror, and he's just like… 910 00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:16,800 "Fucking nailed it. 911 00:52:19,803 --> 00:52:22,097 All right. Let's start the day, Jake." [chuckles] 912 00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:28,061 That is not what my morning is like, okay? 913 00:52:28,144 --> 00:52:31,606 I do everything in my power to be as attractive as possible. 914 00:52:31,690 --> 00:52:36,152 And tonight, that's to look like one of Christopher from The Sopranos' friends. 915 00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:39,990 "How you doing? 916 00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:43,368 Hey, Chris, are you gonna talk to your uncle Tony for me?" 917 00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:47,330 I do everything in my power, and then I look in the mirror. 918 00:52:47,414 --> 00:52:50,125 And the voice that I hear when I look in the mirror 919 00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:52,168 is like an English bully. 920 00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:54,629 You know, he's just like… 921 00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:59,551 [imitating English accent] …"Look at you. You fat fucking iguana." 922 00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:06,016 [normal voice] The voice I hear might be British action star Jason Statham. 923 00:53:08,351 --> 00:53:11,354 [imitating Cockney accent] "Why are you so red when you get out the shower?" 924 00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,648 [normal voice] "Cause I have eczema." 925 00:53:13,732 --> 00:53:16,610 [imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you got eczemas, don't you? 926 00:53:17,193 --> 00:53:19,654 And what makes the eczema flare up?" 927 00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:21,573 [normal voice] "Dairy." 928 00:53:21,656 --> 00:53:24,534 [imitating Cockney accent] "You're still eating lots of ice creams, aren't you?" 929 00:53:24,618 --> 00:53:25,619 [normal voice] "Yeah." 930 00:53:25,702 --> 00:53:27,120 [imitating Cockney accent] "And tree nuts." 931 00:53:27,203 --> 00:53:29,039 [normal voice] "Yeah, I'm not supposed to eat cashew--" 932 00:53:29,122 --> 00:53:32,208 [imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you're not supposed to eat cashews, are you? 933 00:53:33,209 --> 00:53:35,629 -What are you gonna do about it?" -[normal voice] "I guess I should go--" 934 00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:37,172 [imitating Cockney accent] "To the chemist?" 935 00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:38,548 [normal voice] "We call it a pharmacy." 936 00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:41,009 [imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, I bet you fucking do. 937 00:53:43,303 --> 00:53:48,808 Why don't you go down to the pharmacy and get your fragrance-free moisturizers 938 00:53:49,392 --> 00:53:53,396 and get your jumbo pack of children's melatonin?" 939 00:53:54,397 --> 00:53:55,398 [normal voice] "'The regular--" 940 00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,150 [imitating Cockney accent] "'Cause the regular stuff 941 00:53:57,233 --> 00:53:59,444 makes you groggy in the morning, doesn't it? 942 00:54:00,654 --> 00:54:02,530 And then you walk out of the pharmacy, 943 00:54:02,614 --> 00:54:04,616 -and what did you forg--" -[normal voice] "I forgot my eczema--" 944 00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:07,869 [imitating Cockney accent] "Yeah, you forgot your eczema creams! 945 00:54:08,703 --> 00:54:10,997 So why don't you get the fuck out of here, 946 00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:15,251 you fat, forgetful, amphibious, red, rashy, 947 00:54:15,335 --> 00:54:20,173 pathetic, Semitic fucking nobody?" 948 00:54:20,882 --> 00:54:23,969 [audience cheering] 949 00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:29,307 And then I look in the mirror and I'm like, "Let's start the day." 950 00:54:32,602 --> 00:54:35,689 They wanted a dog. I don't want no dog. You understand? 951 00:54:35,772 --> 00:54:39,317 First of all, dogs got different lives than they had when I came up. 952 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,402 Understand? I don't dig-- 953 00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:43,738 You new dog owners, y'all doing too much. I'm telling you that right now. 954 00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,699 You got 'em in the grocery store, 955 00:54:45,782 --> 00:54:49,452 you walking around with 'em and shit in little bags. 956 00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:52,664 I flew here first-class with a poodle next to me, 957 00:54:52,747 --> 00:54:54,457 looking at me like, "What the fuck you doing here?" 958 00:54:54,541 --> 00:54:56,543 No, bitch, what the fuck you doing here? 959 00:54:57,419 --> 00:54:59,462 Y'all got your mouth in their mouth. 960 00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:01,423 "Oh, my God, I love you so much." 961 00:55:01,506 --> 00:55:04,300 But you won't get the vaccine. But this right here… 962 00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:06,928 [applause] 963 00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,472 But this, "I don't want that in my body! 964 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:12,392 But my dog, who's been licking his balls all day…" 965 00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:14,853 Get the fuck out of here. 966 00:55:17,605 --> 00:55:19,607 I was like, "Why did I want a dog?" 967 00:55:19,691 --> 00:55:22,027 You know what I mean? Like, I had a dog coming up. 968 00:55:22,110 --> 00:55:24,821 And then it hit me. I went, "I had a dog coming up. 969 00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:26,322 And it was horrible." 970 00:55:26,906 --> 00:55:28,992 One of my biggest childhood pains 971 00:55:29,075 --> 00:55:31,870 is connected to one of my dogs when I grew up. 972 00:55:31,953 --> 00:55:34,706 I grew up here in Cleveland, Ohio. I'll never forget. I was about eight. 973 00:55:34,789 --> 00:55:38,793 And I was standing in the doorway, dog was outside on the tree lawn peeing. 974 00:55:38,877 --> 00:55:43,590 Outside, a car pulls up, opens the door, grabs the dog, drives away. 975 00:55:43,673 --> 00:55:45,508 -[audience groans] -I said, "What?" 976 00:55:47,802 --> 00:55:49,846 I said, "Dad, they got the dog!" 977 00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:55,185 This is all my father had to give me in this horrible moment in my life. 978 00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:56,394 He went, "Aw! 979 00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,107 [audience chuckling] 980 00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:04,903 All right, come on in the house." 981 00:56:04,986 --> 00:56:06,404 I said, "Wait a minute!" 982 00:56:08,073 --> 00:56:10,116 I was like, "You're not gonna do shit?" 983 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:12,494 Now he's mad at me. "What the fuck you want me to do? 984 00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:13,703 The dog is gone." 985 00:56:14,329 --> 00:56:17,999 I said, "Goddamn. We're not supposed to care about these dogs!" 986 00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,711 For years this haunted me. 987 00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:25,715 And I came up at a time where you didn't talk to your parents about your feelings. 988 00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:29,135 You just processed that shit through your own little eight-year-old mind. 989 00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:31,596 And for years, I would run that through my head. 990 00:56:31,679 --> 00:56:36,476 Like, you know, I understand why he came out and looked that way. 991 00:56:37,685 --> 00:56:39,938 Because that's the way they drove off. 992 00:56:43,775 --> 00:56:45,735 But what the fuck you looking back here for? 993 00:56:47,028 --> 00:56:49,948 Like you thought they're gonna go around the block with the car 994 00:56:50,031 --> 00:56:51,074 and come back with the dog? 995 00:56:51,157 --> 00:56:53,284 "There you go. I was fucking with you. There's your dog." 996 00:56:56,079 --> 00:56:59,249 Look at Ice Cube. Ice Cube doesn't wanna get the vaccine. 997 00:56:59,332 --> 00:57:01,876 He was supposed to do this movie called Oh Hell No, 998 00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:05,880 which, sadly, we'll never see. And… 999 00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:13,555 He was supposed to get the vaccine, and he wouldn't do it. 1000 00:57:14,055 --> 00:57:15,849 But you know what's weird? 1001 00:57:15,932 --> 00:57:20,395 A few months before the pandemic, Ice Cube got a colonoscopy. 1002 00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:23,440 You know what a colonoscopy is? 1003 00:57:24,190 --> 00:57:26,317 Basically, Ice Cube went to the doctor. 1004 00:57:26,401 --> 00:57:28,820 The doctor was like, "You got a problem in your stomach, 1005 00:57:28,903 --> 00:57:30,697 and we need to do a colonoscopy." 1006 00:57:30,780 --> 00:57:32,365 And he was like, "What's that?" 1007 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:36,744 And they're like, "Uh, well, sit down, Ice Cube. 1008 00:57:39,247 --> 00:57:41,749 Basically, you need to drink a gallon of fluid 1009 00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:43,626 and just shit out everything in your body. 1010 00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:45,462 Just clean out your system, right? 1011 00:57:45,545 --> 00:57:47,464 Next day, you come in, we'll put you under, 1012 00:57:47,547 --> 00:57:50,675 and we'll shove a rubber hose up your asshole 1013 00:57:50,758 --> 00:57:52,385 that's got a camera on the end of it. 1014 00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:55,305 We'll go in there, film for a few hours, and see what's going on. 1015 00:57:55,388 --> 00:57:58,516 And we'll run some tests, and when we're done, we'll wake you up." 1016 00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:02,562 And he was like, "All right. Well, do what you gotta do." 1017 00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:05,815 He didn't say any of the shit he's saying now. 1018 00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:09,068 He wasn't like out there like, "I gotta understand the science." 1019 00:58:09,861 --> 00:58:13,323 He wasn't out there like, "My butthole, my rights." No. 1020 00:58:13,823 --> 00:58:18,536 He was passed out with four strangers around him. 1021 00:58:18,620 --> 00:58:20,538 They were like, "We're having a little trouble." 1022 00:58:20,622 --> 00:58:22,540 He's like, "You can do it. Put your back into it." 1023 00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:24,626 [audience chuckling] 1024 00:58:25,418 --> 00:58:29,088 They-- They were in there for hours. 1025 00:58:29,172 --> 00:58:31,174 For hours. 1026 00:58:31,257 --> 00:58:34,594 What were they doing? Filming a limited series? 1027 00:58:34,677 --> 00:58:38,973 Does season 2 of Queen's Gambit take place in Ice Cube's large intestine? 1028 00:58:44,312 --> 00:58:45,396 [sighs] 1029 00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,983 I don't know if Ice Cube's had a colonoscopy. Uh… 1030 00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:54,948 But… he's-- 1031 00:58:56,324 --> 00:58:59,202 He's over 45 years old. He should have had one. 1032 00:58:59,285 --> 00:59:02,497 It's-- It's a screening colonoscopy. 1033 00:59:02,580 --> 00:59:04,624 It's to make sure you don't have colon cancer. 1034 00:59:04,707 --> 00:59:07,252 So, let's hope my joke is true. 1035 00:59:10,338 --> 00:59:14,801 I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma. 1036 00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:16,803 And it's a lot of work, okay? 1037 00:59:16,886 --> 00:59:18,471 So, here's what I've done so far. 1038 00:59:18,555 --> 00:59:20,974 So, it's like a decade in therapy. 1039 00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:25,228 And then every day, okay, I wake up, I practice my gratitude, 1040 00:59:25,311 --> 00:59:28,273 and then I drink my coffee, I take a shit. 1041 00:59:28,356 --> 00:59:30,108 [audience chuckles] 1042 00:59:30,191 --> 00:59:35,280 I exercise because the endorphins from exercise help fight depression. 1043 00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:39,450 And then I adhere to a low-carbohydrate, high-protein diet, 1044 00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:41,244 I meditate twice a day, 1045 00:59:41,327 --> 00:59:44,497 I feel all my dumb feelings… [sighs] 1046 00:59:47,333 --> 00:59:49,961 …and I am still so fucked up. 1047 00:59:50,044 --> 00:59:53,881 Like, I'm-- [cackles, snorts, exclaims] I'm so fucking crazy. 1048 00:59:53,965 --> 00:59:56,467 [audience whooping, whistling] 1049 00:59:56,551 --> 00:59:58,761 Thank you. [giggles] Mmm. 1050 00:59:58,845 --> 01:00:00,346 Woo! [chuckles] 1051 01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:06,102 But… [cackles] 1052 01:00:06,185 --> 01:00:09,188 But I'm trying, and I'm in the game. 1053 01:00:09,272 --> 01:00:11,316 And I'm gonna do it, man. 1054 01:00:11,399 --> 01:00:13,651 I'm gonna do it. Yeah. 1055 01:00:13,735 --> 01:00:15,236 [audience cheers] 1056 01:00:17,071 --> 01:00:19,824 Yeah, 'cause my childhood was wacky, like… 1057 01:00:19,907 --> 01:00:24,287 Well, put it this way. Like, growing up, I couldn't understand, like-- 1058 01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:27,999 I couldn't understand those people who lived at home in their twenties. 1059 01:00:28,082 --> 01:00:30,835 You know, like, dude, I wanted out at six, bro. 1060 01:00:30,918 --> 01:00:34,005 I was like, "Where's my letter to Hogwarts? 1061 01:00:34,088 --> 01:00:35,882 Get me the fuck out of this." 1062 01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:41,137 You know, I would have rather lived with those bitches from The Facts of Life 1063 01:00:42,513 --> 01:00:45,933 and get scissored by that lesbo Jo. Remember Jo? 1064 01:00:46,601 --> 01:00:49,020 You guys know Jo was a lesbo, right? 1065 01:00:50,021 --> 01:00:52,690 Yeah, 'cause she had a ponytail… 1066 01:00:55,193 --> 01:00:57,445 and she was a… [imitates deep voice] …mechanic. 1067 01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:02,742 A pussy mechanic, am I right? Yeah! 1068 01:01:02,825 --> 01:01:04,452 [cheers] 1069 01:01:06,871 --> 01:01:09,582 My son's really good at basketball. He has a nice jump shot. 1070 01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:11,959 He always wants to play one-on-one with me, but it leaves my daughter out. 1071 01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:14,295 She has nothing to do. So one day I hand her a little ball. 1072 01:01:14,379 --> 01:01:16,339 I say, "Sweetie, you play with this ball here. 1073 01:01:16,422 --> 01:01:18,800 When me and your brother are done, I'll play with you." 1074 01:01:18,883 --> 01:01:20,718 We start playing. She drops the ball. 1075 01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:23,554 It rolls into our game, disrupts us. We have to stop. 1076 01:01:23,638 --> 01:01:27,684 My son's already in a bad mood, and he loses his shit. 1077 01:01:27,767 --> 01:01:30,687 Right, he picks up the ball up, and he's going, "No, no, no, no. 1078 01:01:31,938 --> 01:01:33,856 No, no, no, no, no." 1079 01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,775 And I go, "Whoa, buddy, what are you doing? 1080 01:01:35,858 --> 01:01:38,194 What are you gonna do? Throw the ball at your sister?" 1081 01:01:38,277 --> 01:01:39,862 He goes, "I'm tired of this, Dad." 1082 01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:42,573 I go, "Buddy, you're 12. You're not tired of shit, okay? 1083 01:01:42,657 --> 01:01:44,492 I'm tired. I'm tired. 1084 01:01:44,575 --> 01:01:47,995 Me and your mother might get divorced from what happened at breakfast, okay? 1085 01:01:48,830 --> 01:01:51,082 There's gonna be another guy named Phil living here in six months. 1086 01:01:51,165 --> 01:01:52,291 Give her the ball back." 1087 01:01:55,086 --> 01:01:57,922 And my daughter's going, "Lucas, can I have the ball?" Right? 1088 01:01:58,005 --> 01:02:00,842 And I go, "Do the right thing and hand it to her. Hand it." Right? 1089 01:02:00,925 --> 01:02:04,721 And in anger and disgust, he bounced it at her hard. 1090 01:02:04,804 --> 01:02:06,723 Hits her nose and lip, splits her lip. 1091 01:02:06,806 --> 01:02:08,850 She's bleeding, screaming, crying. 1092 01:02:08,933 --> 01:02:11,102 And it is an absolute shit show. 1093 01:02:11,936 --> 01:02:15,523 So now I need to console my little girl and scold my boy at the same time. 1094 01:02:15,606 --> 01:02:17,775 I'm going, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry. We're gonna clean that up. 1095 01:02:17,859 --> 01:02:21,028 What are you, nuts? She's bleeding and crying 'cause of your attitude. 1096 01:02:21,112 --> 01:02:22,321 I hope you feel good about that. 1097 01:02:22,405 --> 01:02:23,698 I'm so sorry. Give me one second. 1098 01:02:23,781 --> 01:02:26,284 You wanna play one-on-one? We're gonna play right now, me and you. 1099 01:02:26,367 --> 01:02:29,370 You wanna play like that with your sister? My ball first. My house." 1100 01:02:29,454 --> 01:02:31,164 So I back him to the hole hard. 1101 01:02:33,291 --> 01:02:34,584 Back him to the hole hard. 1102 01:02:34,667 --> 01:02:37,670 Layup. One-nothing. Let's go. Make it, take it. My house. Respect. 1103 01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:42,300 [pants] I get it again. Boom. Ten-footer. Nothing but net. Swish. 1104 01:02:42,383 --> 01:02:44,260 I go, "You get your shot from me. Let's go." 1105 01:02:44,343 --> 01:02:45,553 Now he starts getting amped up. 1106 01:02:45,636 --> 01:02:47,180 Guys, on the third possession, 1107 01:02:47,263 --> 01:02:49,265 my son legitimately steals the ball from me. 1108 01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:51,184 I tried to get it behind my back. He steals it. 1109 01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:53,811 He starts running towards the hoop. He's all blushing and into it. 1110 01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:56,022 And he pulls up an eight-footer. Nothing but net. 1111 01:02:56,105 --> 01:02:57,607 He steps up to me. He chested up. 1112 01:02:57,690 --> 01:03:00,443 He looked at me, and he just goes, "Let's fucking go." 1113 01:03:00,526 --> 01:03:02,487 [audience laughing] 1114 01:03:02,570 --> 01:03:04,280 [applause] 1115 01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:14,540 "What? What did you just say to me?" 1116 01:03:14,624 --> 01:03:16,042 He goes, "Let's go?" 1117 01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:19,754 I go, "Go sit on the wall for five minutes and think about what you just-- 1118 01:03:19,837 --> 01:03:22,673 I am your father. You never speak to me like that. Are you out of your mind?" 1119 01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:23,966 I turned and thought to myself, 1120 01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:27,553 "That was the greatest shit I have ever seen in my fucking life! 1121 01:03:27,637 --> 01:03:28,971 My son is the man!" 1122 01:03:30,640 --> 01:03:33,518 Yeah, one month into COVID, my mom's flip phone broke. 1123 01:03:33,601 --> 01:03:36,395 And so we bought her her very first iPhone. 1124 01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:38,272 And if you were to say to me tonight, 1125 01:03:38,356 --> 01:03:43,486 "Jeff, would you rather teach your mother how to text 1126 01:03:43,569 --> 01:03:46,364 or teach your dog how to wipe his ass?" 1127 01:03:48,366 --> 01:03:50,868 I would probably say, "Hand me the toilet paper. 1128 01:03:50,952 --> 01:03:52,912 Let me give that a shot." 1129 01:03:55,456 --> 01:03:58,835 The texting has been a little bit of a challenge. 1130 01:03:58,918 --> 01:04:01,546 And my daughters were so excited, you know, 1131 01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:05,091 that their gabba was finally texting, so they're texting her. 1132 01:04:05,174 --> 01:04:07,510 One night, I get a call from my mom, 1133 01:04:07,593 --> 01:04:11,180 and sh-she says to me, "What is 'lo'?" 1134 01:04:13,474 --> 01:04:14,934 I said, "What are you talking about?" 1135 01:04:15,017 --> 01:04:19,564 She said, "Jordan sent me a text, and at the end of it, it said 'lo.'" 1136 01:04:20,481 --> 01:04:23,901 I said, "How do you spell it?" She said, "L-O-L." 1137 01:04:24,861 --> 01:04:27,822 I said, "Mom, that's not 'lo.' That's 'laugh out loud.'" 1138 01:04:27,905 --> 01:04:29,615 I said, "That's what the kids do now. 1139 01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:33,828 Instead of writing everything out, you know, they just use initials. 1140 01:04:33,911 --> 01:04:37,456 Like 'I-D-K' is 'I don't know.' 'O-M-G' is 'Oh, my gosh.'" 1141 01:04:37,540 --> 01:04:39,000 I said, "That's how they do it." 1142 01:04:39,500 --> 01:04:44,755 Few nights later, I get a text from my mother that says, 1143 01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:50,761 "I-Y-G-T-T-G-S-I-N-S-K." 1144 01:04:50,845 --> 01:04:52,847 [audience chuckling] 1145 01:04:56,267 --> 01:04:58,728 I'm like, "Oh, God. Mom's had a stroke." 1146 01:05:00,980 --> 01:05:04,400 I called her up and said, "Mom, what did you just text me?" 1147 01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:07,486 She said, "I was doing like the girls do. 1148 01:05:07,570 --> 01:05:12,033 I said, 'If you go to the grocery store, I need some ketchup.'" 1149 01:05:15,202 --> 01:05:17,538 Well, of course. Why didn't I see that? 1150 01:05:21,334 --> 01:05:22,460 Orgasms are wild, though. 1151 01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:26,130 The differences between the male orgasm and the female orgasm, insane. 1152 01:05:26,213 --> 01:05:29,008 Like, the male orgasm, as we all know, it's very straightforward. 1153 01:05:29,091 --> 01:05:30,092 It's like Mario Kart. 1154 01:05:30,176 --> 01:05:32,678 You just go around the track enough times, and you've won. 1155 01:05:33,262 --> 01:05:35,431 Whereas the female orgasm, from what I'm told, 1156 01:05:35,514 --> 01:05:38,392 it's very much like you're entering a maze, and there's a sphinx, 1157 01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:41,354 and he's like, "I only tell the truth, and my brother only tells lies." 1158 01:05:41,437 --> 01:05:44,649 And you sort of have to solve that riddle, 1159 01:05:44,732 --> 01:05:46,776 get to the middle of the maze and defeat the Minotaur, 1160 01:05:46,859 --> 01:05:49,445 and then maybe you'll find the G-spot. You don't know! 1161 01:05:49,528 --> 01:05:51,822 The way we talk about the G-spot in this culture, 1162 01:05:51,906 --> 01:05:55,534 it's as thought it moves about the body, every night, a different location, 1163 01:05:55,618 --> 01:05:57,286 like the Room of fucking Requirement. 1164 01:05:57,370 --> 01:05:59,705 It is absolutely nuts. 1165 01:05:59,789 --> 01:06:03,376 Like, I just don't think it could be that difficult. 1166 01:06:03,459 --> 01:06:05,795 You only ever hear it's hard to make a woman come 1167 01:06:05,878 --> 01:06:07,964 in the context of heterosexual relationships. 1168 01:06:08,047 --> 01:06:09,674 You never hear that from queer women, 1169 01:06:09,757 --> 01:06:12,468 and I wonder what the missing piece of the equation is. 1170 01:06:12,551 --> 01:06:15,513 -[audience chuckles] -You know? Like… Like, honestly. 1171 01:06:15,596 --> 01:06:17,056 [scattered applause] 1172 01:06:17,139 --> 01:06:18,140 No, stop. 1173 01:06:20,685 --> 01:06:23,187 I will not let this descend into "clapter." 1174 01:06:24,772 --> 01:06:27,942 You either laugh and clap or none. Okay? 1175 01:06:28,025 --> 01:06:29,944 [audience chuckles] 1176 01:06:31,904 --> 01:06:35,449 I don't think it could be that difficult, though, to make a woman come. 1177 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,661 Like, honestly, I think I could do it. [chuckles] 1178 01:06:38,744 --> 01:06:41,205 -[audience member screams] -I do. Put me in, Coach. You know? 1179 01:06:41,288 --> 01:06:43,165 Like, I just-- I think I could do it. 1180 01:06:43,249 --> 01:06:45,668 I haven't spent a lot of time down there, but I love a puzzle, 1181 01:06:45,751 --> 01:06:49,338 so I just feel like I would approach it like any escape room. 1182 01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:52,383 Just hit all the corners and then get out of there. You know? 1183 01:06:53,217 --> 01:06:56,512 So with that in mind, ma'am, if you could come up here on the stool. 1184 01:06:56,595 --> 01:06:59,974 If I could get my beach towel flown in, please, that would be really great. 1185 01:07:00,057 --> 01:07:02,309 I'm just kidding, but what if I wasn't? 1186 01:07:02,393 --> 01:07:05,563 Like, what if you were watching this Netflix special, and you were like, 1187 01:07:05,646 --> 01:07:09,859 "Oh, my God. A gay Asian man just got a woman off live on stage." 1188 01:07:10,735 --> 01:07:12,862 Who said theater was dead? 1189 01:07:15,489 --> 01:07:19,660 I have a lot of new traits now. I recently went to Chipotle at 10:45 a.m. 1190 01:07:19,744 --> 01:07:20,786 Doctor's orders. 1191 01:07:23,456 --> 01:07:24,915 And when I walked in, I was like… 1192 01:07:25,750 --> 01:07:28,753 'Cause I'm cool. When I walk into a Chipotle, I'm not-- Up here, I'm all… 1193 01:07:28,836 --> 01:07:31,088 At Chipotle, I'm like-- I get it. I'm like… 1194 01:07:34,717 --> 01:07:35,801 [smacks lips] 1195 01:07:37,386 --> 01:07:39,722 So I walk into a Chipotle, and the guy working there-- 1196 01:07:39,805 --> 01:07:41,932 Yes, a man. Important for the story. 1197 01:07:42,683 --> 01:07:44,185 He's like, "What do you want?" 1198 01:07:44,268 --> 01:07:47,688 And I'm like, "Okay, he wants to have raw-dog sex with me." 1199 01:07:49,982 --> 01:07:55,488 Now I say, "Hello. I would like a chicken burrito bowl. 1200 01:07:55,571 --> 01:07:58,866 I know guac is extra, and I'll take the hottest sauce." 1201 01:07:58,949 --> 01:08:03,287 He goes… [snorts] …"You sure?" 1202 01:08:05,122 --> 01:08:06,165 [moans] 1203 01:08:07,958 --> 01:08:13,422 I was like… [imitating baby voice] …"Oh, my God. Am I sure? 1204 01:08:15,299 --> 01:08:16,842 Mmm. 1205 01:08:17,927 --> 01:08:20,096 I don't know. 1206 01:08:20,679 --> 01:08:23,307 I never thought about it before. 1207 01:08:23,390 --> 01:08:25,059 [audience chuckling] 1208 01:08:26,477 --> 01:08:29,730 I don't think about big-boy questions like that. 1209 01:08:30,981 --> 01:08:33,734 I'm just a little girlie. 1210 01:08:33,818 --> 01:08:38,197 I think about little girlie things like earrings and shoes. 1211 01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:40,324 I don't know about big-boy stuff like that. 1212 01:08:40,407 --> 01:08:42,701 I'm just a little baby with titties. I'm just"-- 1213 01:08:42,785 --> 01:08:43,953 [sputters] 1214 01:08:45,204 --> 01:08:47,414 [normal voice] Oh, I'm sorry. I just completely blacked out. 1215 01:08:47,498 --> 01:08:48,582 Did I do something? 1216 01:08:50,292 --> 01:08:52,378 Wait, did I say something annoying? 1217 01:08:55,089 --> 01:08:58,342 Let me be real with you. You've followed my journey from the start. 1218 01:08:58,425 --> 01:09:00,177 Life hasn't always been show business. 1219 01:09:00,261 --> 01:09:04,014 There's been times in my life where I've been broke. Like, "broke" broke. 1220 01:09:04,098 --> 01:09:07,309 You know, you ever been so broke you pray? You ever done that? 1221 01:09:07,393 --> 01:09:09,186 You're not even religious. 1222 01:09:09,270 --> 01:09:11,772 You start praying. You don't even know how to pray. 1223 01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:14,483 "Uh, yeah. Um, yeah. 1224 01:09:15,067 --> 01:09:17,611 I don't know who's up there. Buddha, one of you, listen. 1225 01:09:18,362 --> 01:09:20,114 I beg you, please. 1226 01:09:20,197 --> 01:09:24,326 If there's any way that Our Father can walk through the shadow of death 1227 01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:28,330 and find me some kind of sign for money"-- 1228 01:09:28,414 --> 01:09:33,669 Even while you're negotiating with the Lord, it doesn't even make sense. 1229 01:09:33,752 --> 01:09:36,088 "If you can find me a sign of money, 1230 01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:39,300 I promise I will never swear again in my life." 1231 01:09:39,383 --> 01:09:40,384 What? 1232 01:09:41,510 --> 01:09:42,511 Real broke, man. 1233 01:09:45,139 --> 01:09:48,559 It's over for white people. It's 100%-- We had a nice run. 1234 01:09:48,642 --> 01:09:53,522 Listen, white people, we had a nice run, but, baby, it's over. 1235 01:09:53,606 --> 01:09:55,858 Okay? Make no mistake. 1236 01:09:55,941 --> 01:09:59,195 Facedown. Done. Over. Never coming back. 1237 01:09:59,278 --> 01:10:03,407 But, I mean, hall of fame historically. Really, a lot of good things. 1238 01:10:03,490 --> 01:10:08,204 Also a lot of bad things. But brush over it, you know? 1239 01:10:08,746 --> 01:10:11,332 But it's over. It's over for whites. And I knew that. 1240 01:10:11,415 --> 01:10:13,709 I felt that about seven years ago. 1241 01:10:13,792 --> 01:10:18,130 I felt that coming. I felt the tide turning for the whites. 1242 01:10:18,214 --> 01:10:21,091 I looked in the mirror, I said, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiO. 1243 01:10:21,175 --> 01:10:22,259 [audience laughs] 1244 01:10:22,343 --> 01:10:25,930 Chris, you are"-- 'Cause I am, like, skin-condition white. 1245 01:10:26,013 --> 01:10:28,015 Like, I am supremely white. 1246 01:10:28,098 --> 01:10:31,143 And it's just-- I knew. So I had to make a decision. 1247 01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:34,897 'Cause I deliberately, on purpose-- Both my daughters are Puerto Rican. 1248 01:10:34,980 --> 01:10:38,234 -[whooping] -I have-- Yes. Latina children. Thank you. 1249 01:10:38,317 --> 01:10:39,318 Ooh. 1250 01:10:40,945 --> 01:10:44,240 I have Latina kids and-- Again, by design. 1251 01:10:44,323 --> 01:10:48,827 I went out to a bar seven years ago. It's called "Place to Beach." 1252 01:10:48,911 --> 01:10:51,872 It's still there, actually. It's in Coney Island, Brooklyn. 1253 01:10:51,956 --> 01:10:53,499 Google it. Yeah, Place to Beach. 1254 01:10:53,582 --> 01:10:57,586 Yeah, I bought my fake vaccine card there with a mai tai. 1255 01:10:59,338 --> 01:11:00,881 And-- From Vito. 1256 01:11:00,965 --> 01:11:04,760 He's dead of COVID, but what can you do? 1257 01:11:06,512 --> 01:11:09,139 I like doctors. I like specialists though, you know? 1258 01:11:09,223 --> 01:11:10,891 Like, this is what I don't understand. 1259 01:11:10,975 --> 01:11:13,352 Your foot hurts, so you wanna go to the foot doctor. 1260 01:11:13,435 --> 01:11:14,603 You phone the foot doctor, he goes, 1261 01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:16,480 "You can't come. You gotta go to a regular doctor." 1262 01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:18,857 So then you go to the regular doctor, and he goes, 1263 01:11:18,941 --> 01:11:21,277 "Yeah, you gotta go to a foot doctor. 1264 01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:24,280 Yeah, just pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out." 1265 01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:26,448 What is that scam, you know? 1266 01:11:27,199 --> 01:11:28,409 You go, "All right." 1267 01:11:28,993 --> 01:11:31,829 He goes, "While you're here, want me to take your blood pressure?" 1268 01:11:31,912 --> 01:11:36,250 I'm like, "No, that's fine. I've had my blood pressure taken about 5,000 times." 1269 01:11:37,001 --> 01:11:38,502 Don't even know what it means. 1270 01:11:38,585 --> 01:11:40,587 They go, "It's 150 over 60." 1271 01:11:40,671 --> 01:11:43,173 I go, "Is that good?" They go, "It's… I don't know. 1272 01:11:43,257 --> 01:11:44,258 It's all a blur. 1273 01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:46,010 I'm a doctor. 1274 01:11:47,011 --> 01:11:49,847 I'm gonna be hitting your knee with a hammer now." 1275 01:11:49,930 --> 01:11:53,892 [chuckles] That's the oddest one to me of all time. 1276 01:11:53,976 --> 01:11:55,644 We haven't gotten past that? 1277 01:11:55,728 --> 01:11:58,564 That's like a cartoon from the 1950s. 1278 01:11:58,647 --> 01:12:01,483 Guy pulls out a hammer, hits your knee with it, 1279 01:12:01,567 --> 01:12:04,737 and then you go, "Ah, my knee! Oh, my God, that hurts." 1280 01:12:04,820 --> 01:12:08,866 And then the guy writes down, "Excellent. Very good." 1281 01:12:09,491 --> 01:12:14,580 That's exactly how you should react when your knee is struck by a hammer. 1282 01:12:16,498 --> 01:12:20,961 Sometimes, doctors just know smart words. You ever see those guys? 1283 01:12:21,045 --> 01:12:24,590 Like one time I remember I was real tired. I had this thing, I didn't know what. 1284 01:12:24,673 --> 01:12:27,760 So I went in, and I say, "Hey, Doc, I got this thing. I'm real tired." 1285 01:12:27,843 --> 01:12:30,554 He goes, "Sounds like chronic fatigue syndrome to me." 1286 01:12:30,637 --> 01:12:31,930 I say, "Really? What's that?" 1287 01:12:32,014 --> 01:12:34,266 He says, "Well, 'chronic' means 'always,' 1288 01:12:35,017 --> 01:12:38,020 and 'fatigue' means 'tired,' 1289 01:12:38,687 --> 01:12:43,108 and 'syndrome,' that means 'something you got.' 1290 01:12:44,526 --> 01:12:48,322 Anyway, you can pay Agnes 80 bucks on the way out." 1291 01:12:52,534 --> 01:12:55,662 I just like a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man. That's what I like. 1292 01:12:57,247 --> 01:12:59,833 I like a guy that looks like he'd say, "Follow the money," 1293 01:12:59,917 --> 01:13:01,835 when he's talking about the vaccine. 1294 01:13:02,378 --> 01:13:07,716 I want One Direction to do a BTS covers medley at my funeral. 1295 01:13:07,800 --> 01:13:10,094 Because that way, I'll be glad I'm dead. 1296 01:13:10,594 --> 01:13:12,221 [audience laughs] 1297 01:13:12,304 --> 01:13:14,723 I'm looking for a hot young thing. Somebody about… 1298 01:13:15,516 --> 01:13:16,558 50. 1299 01:13:16,642 --> 01:13:18,060 [audience laughs] 1300 01:13:18,143 --> 01:13:20,145 The best thing about coming out as transgender 1301 01:13:20,229 --> 01:13:22,272 is that people have been so thrown off by this 1302 01:13:22,356 --> 01:13:24,233 that they've totally forgotten to be racist. 1303 01:13:24,316 --> 01:13:27,069 So it's the best thing that's ever happened. It's great. 1304 01:13:27,152 --> 01:13:29,321 Every single month, I think I'm pregnant. 1305 01:13:29,405 --> 01:13:30,572 Even if I don't have sex, 1306 01:13:30,656 --> 01:13:34,827 I'm like, "Happened to Mary. It could definitely happen to me." 1307 01:13:34,910 --> 01:13:37,871 People with children will act like if you don't have children, 1308 01:13:37,955 --> 01:13:40,541 you not allowed to point out when they're being a shitty parent. 1309 01:13:42,042 --> 01:13:45,879 The weird thing is, I wasn't trans before I got the vaccine. 1310 01:13:46,380 --> 01:13:49,007 [audience laughing] 1311 01:13:49,091 --> 01:13:53,929 ♪ Don't you hate it When the hooker turns out to be 17? ♪ 1312 01:13:54,012 --> 01:13:56,140 [audience chuckling] 1313 01:13:56,932 --> 01:13:59,309 It's like, "I'm pretty sure I paid for 16." 1314 01:13:59,393 --> 01:14:01,311 [audience member squeals] 1315 01:14:01,395 --> 01:14:04,940 Being a comedian is not a psychiatric condition. 1316 01:14:06,108 --> 01:14:09,528 Are many of us also very fucked up, myself included? 1317 01:14:09,611 --> 01:14:12,364 Yes. But whatever. 1318 01:14:16,285 --> 01:14:18,954 Periodically, if you're lucky, you might find lasagna in there. 1319 01:14:19,037 --> 01:14:20,330 [audience chuckles] 1320 01:14:20,414 --> 01:14:22,249 -We love you, nigga. Real shit. -Thank you for the marijuana. 1321 01:14:22,332 --> 01:14:25,252 Yeah, go on. Get down, nigga. I got one more for you right here. 1322 01:14:25,335 --> 01:14:27,421 -This shit here, that shit there… -This roll for me? 1323 01:14:27,504 --> 01:14:30,507 This is a Snoop Dogg Netflix production. 1324 01:14:30,591 --> 01:14:32,134 Let's all squeeze together 1325 01:14:32,217 --> 01:14:34,470 'cause I'm sure the regular people in the front row 1326 01:14:34,553 --> 01:14:35,929 want a picture of the fab four. 1327 01:14:36,013 --> 01:14:38,098 Absolutely not. 1328 01:14:38,182 --> 01:14:39,892 No. Fuck, no. I'm not-- 1329 01:14:40,642 --> 01:14:43,979 Recently, comedy has lost Norm Macdonald, 1330 01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:45,647 Louie Anderson, 1331 01:14:45,731 --> 01:14:46,732 Bob Saget, 1332 01:14:47,399 --> 01:14:48,650 Gilbert Gottfried 1333 01:14:48,734 --> 01:14:50,068 and Will Smith. 1334 01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:53,822 [audience laughing, cheering] 1335 01:14:57,534 --> 01:14:59,453 Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it. 1336 01:15:00,871 --> 01:15:02,998 I appreciate you coming and paying half price. 1337 01:15:03,081 --> 01:15:04,750 I thank you very much. It's-- 1338 01:15:04,833 --> 01:15:07,085 Thank you, but shut the fuck up. 1339 01:15:07,169 --> 01:15:10,506 No fucking whooping or-- Just laugh. Thank-- 1340 01:15:10,589 --> 01:15:13,008 No, but thank-- But shush. Everyone calm down. 1341 01:15:13,091 --> 01:15:14,468 All right, shut the fuck up. 1342 01:15:14,551 --> 01:15:16,887 You letting a bitch know she done made it. 1343 01:15:17,429 --> 01:15:19,973 Where the sexy ladies at? 1344 01:15:21,683 --> 01:15:24,520 Who ain't got no panties on? 1345 01:15:25,020 --> 01:15:27,189 ♪ I smell turkey bacon ♪ 1346 01:15:28,065 --> 01:15:30,108 Netflix is letting me know… 1347 01:15:30,776 --> 01:15:31,944 [giggles] 1348 01:15:32,027 --> 01:15:34,571 …that my, uh, one-hour special 1349 01:15:35,697 --> 01:15:38,617 has gone over by 37 minutes and 30 seconds.