- Hey, Kelly. - Kelly?
Who is this Kelly of which you speak?
For I am Sorisana, the undying mistress of light.
Of course. My apologies, Lady Sorisana.
Greetings, Devon. Happy raid anniversary.
Or perhaps, raid-iversary, ah?
I like that.
Can you believe we've been playing for four years?
I cannot. It seems like only yesterday we were wee babes in battle.
Okay.
Don't worry, y'all. The MVP has arrived.
Thank goodness, Rory, my queen.
You're so extra.
- Happy raid anniversary, bitches. - Raid-iversary.
Like it. Love it. Living it.
Wow. Digging the new gear, Dev.
Thanks. I did some grinding for XP.
Wanted to look a little special for the occasion.
You simp.
Hey, y'all. Sorry I'm late.
I got another nosebleed. It went all over my keyboard.
Seth, the keyboard I got you for your birthday?
It's okay. My keys are a little sticky,
so my ranged attacks might not be great, but--
I mean, your ranged attacks are always shit.
Damn, Seth. Your own girlfriend dunking on you, man.
Yep. Gotta love her.
What up, sluts?
You ready to clit-kick this boss or what?
What up?
- Happy raid-iversary, Freddie. - Raid-iversary?
That's fucking lame.
- What? You're fucking lame. - Excu-- Boo!
Yeah. You love me.
All right, whatever. Let's just get this shit started.
We cannot. For one of our number is missing.
Dev, where's your brother?
I don't know. He'll show up when he shows up.
Anyway. Apparently, this boss is hard, but his attacks are pretty predictable.
So, make sure you have that gear from our last raid equipped.
Gotta find them. It's been a minute.
We'll start ranged and then we'll flank him
- before going in for the kill shot. Okay? - Yes, let's go already.
- My Adderall's kicking in. - Can't.
- We gotta do the dance first. - No!
Sorry, man. Have to.
Team Dab Queef has never failed a raid when we did the good-luck dance.
Bullshit.
We've done the stupid dance for the last four years
and we get our asses kicked every single time.
Come on, Freddie. Do the dance.
- Come on, Freddie. Freddie. - Do it! Do it! Do it!
Come on. It's our raid-iversary.
- Dance. Just do it. - Dance, dance.
- Come on. - All right. Jesus Christ.
Dab Queef! Dab Queef! Dab Queef! Dab Queef! Dab Queef! Dab Queef!
Whatever.
What up, sluts?
Yeah!
- Hey, Ben. - Young Benjamin!
Did I miss the queef dance? I wanna do the dance.
Dab Queef...
Hey, Ben. You're getting too close to the cave, buddy.
Ben, no. Ben.
Ben! Ben, you're gonna trigger the...
...fight.
- This thing's massive. - So disgusting.
Freddie, fall back. You're getting pummeled.
- Shit dick! - What happened, Freddie?
Vagina itching again? I'm sure there's a cream for it.
Eat my ass. Gobble it up.
Unwashed ass is hardly a meal fit for a queen!
How about talk like a normal person, Kelly?
Relax, man. Just wash your ass and maybe someone will eat it.
I don't want anyone to eat my ass!
Shit. Guys, guys! Focus up. Everyone get behind me.
- Rory, cast blinding shot. - Okay.
Sorisana, hit him with an icicle blast.
- Yes, sire. - Freddie, use inferno.
- Got you. - Seth, get ready. Cloak a knife.
- Yeah. - Ben.
Ben, what are you doing?
I farted.
Ben. Shit.
Is he gonna doom us all? Okay.
We're just gonna burn our max abilities on my mark.
- Ready? - Yes.
- Go! - Team Dab Queef!
What is this?
What the fuck happened?
What? Are you serious? I need a heal.
- What? - Seth?
Fuck your girlfriend. Kill the thing.
- Seth, come heal me. - I'm turned around. I don't know.
- What are you doing? - Damn it.
What did I fucking tell you, whipping boy?
Okay. He's almost dead. Everyone, with me.
We can still win this. Ready?
Go!
Guys, I only got hit once. I need a healer.
We got him!
I found out how to do a double fart. It looks like a butt.
I don't get it. What would cause the game to freak out?
I bet you it's Rory and Seth's fault.
They're probably at Seth's place sharing his shitty Wi-Fi
so they can finger blast each other between boss fights.
- You're disgusting. - What the hell?
What's finger blasting? Is that a spell? Teach me to finger blast!
Freddie, stop saying stuff like that around my little brother.
It's fine. It was your mom who taught me how to finger blast.
- Mom knows Freddie? - Yes.
The game glitched for all of us, right?
There's something wrong with the game, not our Internet connections. Idiot.
Is someone jealous?
Sorry I'm a boy genius and got a job out of high school
while you turds have to rack up debt at college.
Whatever. Can someone check Reddit?
See if anyone else is having this problem that--
I'll do it like I do everything around here. Brb.
He's afk. Someone mess with him.
Get him!
Do you guys remember when he left for, like, 30 minutes to take a shit
and we pushed him into a chasm?
Yes. He was so pissed.
- I remember that. - No, you don't.
That was four years ago.
You were like three when we started playing.
And, that reminds me, I got everyone raid-iversary gifts.
Happy raid-iversary.
- My heart. - I'm glad I came.
Yeah, me too. It's been hard to track you guys down.
It feels like you and Rory are never free at the same time anymore.
- Yeah. Sorry. - Yeah, you know, just been busy.
I've missed getting to hang out with you guys in person.
I too miss the proximity of your flesh.
Babe, you gotta stop talking about people's flesh. It's creepy.
Oh, yes. Your musky essence?
- No. - Where's my present?
Your present is you can keep farting on Freddie.
All right, I'm back, bitches.
What the fuck are you doing? You little prick.
Look, assholes,
the coozes over at MQ haven't patched the servers in forever,
so now it's lagging whenever there's a raiding party of more than five people.
What does that mean?
Okay. So, it means, for the game to work, one of us has to go.
Okay, smart-ass. Does that mean that, like,
someone has to get kicked out of the group?
Yes. Are you all fucking illiterate or is it, like, a couple thing or what?
- Yes, that's what I'm saying. - That's not happening.
Yeah. Maybe we can just reschedule or something.
No, we can't reschedule. This is our raid-iversary.
I had to beg you guys for weeks to clear your schedules for this.
Come on, we gotta do it tonight.
Okay. Then you have to kick someone out... now.
Shit.
- That can't be the only solution. - Sorry, man.
You want to finish the raid, someone's gotta go.
- And my vote's on teabagger over there. - I can't kick him, dude.
I'm babysitting. If he's not playing, he's gonna get into shit.
Why are you the nanny? Your mom too busy getting finger blasted?
What is it with you and finger blasting?
- I like it. - Finger blast!
I'm just watching him tonight.
Mom says it's his way of paying rent since he's gonna keep living here with me.
Brothers and roommates, roommates and brothers,
- playing games together forever... - Ben! I swear to God.
You're living at home? I thought you were going to ASU.
Yeah, I missed the application deadline. So...
Oh, Devon. My condolences.
- Will you reapply or... - I'm figuring it out.
We need to focus. What are we gonna do about the glitch?
I mean, we should obviously kick Freddie.
Good luck. I'm the best player on this piece of shit team.
Just kick Rory. She's been half-assing it for months anyway.
Choke on your RealDoll's fat clit.
I choked on a LEGO man head one time.
We're not kicking Rory. Besides, we'd lose Seth too.
He wouldn't want to keep playing if we forced out his girlfriend.
And you would be thrice bereft. If Rory leaves, so too shall I.
For we are soul-bonded in sisterhood, our connection unbreakable.
- Like the steel of-- - Oh, my God!
Just lose Ren Faire over here. Everyone hears what I'm hearing, right?
I feel fucking insane.
- The fuck? - Guys. Stop it.
No one's leaving. We're finishing this raid together.
I've got a plan.
Once Rory, Sorisana and Seth finish softening up the enemies,
I'll send Ben and Freddie in, all right?
As long as all of us aren't in there at the same time,
it shouldn't trigger the glitch. Got it?
- Yeah. Got it. - Yeah.
Ben. Ben, what the hell are you doing?
Doing this dance Freddie taught me.
Stop that. I need you to focus.
- I'm just having fun. - Go over there
and practice your actual attacks. Okay?
Okay.
- Oh, yeah. What, what? - Hey, Freddie.
Did you ever hear back from your boss about my résumé?
Yeah.
They rejected it.
Not enough relevant experience or something.
- Okay. - Sorry, man.
Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, I get it. I--
- Squad's back. - Shovel, shovel!
Better get in there.
- Come on, Ben. - Let's go!
Okay. Well, it didn't glitch, but we didn't do shit to those demons.
Mostly 'cause Seth was ignoring all my shot-calling.
Well, I'm sorry. I thought they were bad calls.
You would know all about bad calls, now, wouldn't you, knave?
I see right through you, Seth.
Son of Renée, the overbearing, and Tim, the absent.
- Kelly-- - Sorisana!
Sorisana, just please don't.
What's going on?
I don't know. Why don't you ask Seth?
Unless the absence of a heart has rendered him mute.
You know what, Kelly?
Guys, please.
Seth and I broke up, Dev.
What? Just now? What the hell happened in there?
No, it happened right after the last raid we did.
I knew it.
I knew if you started dating and you broke up
that it would fuck up the guild and people would stop playing--
This is why we didn't tell you, man.
You're so intense about this game.
We're both here now. So, can you just chill?
I'm chill. I just can't believe this is how we're all finding out.
Well, I, the most trusted of her inner sanctum, knew.
And soon we shall share a sanctum at UC Santa Cruz. Go, Banana Slugs!
Roomies and besties, besties and roomies.
Read the room, Kelly.
You good, Dev?
Yeah, I'm fine. If you guys are fine, I'm fine.
Let's just keep playing.
Glorious.
Well, it didn't glitch and I cleared the chamber by myself.
He spent the whole time teabagging skeletons, dude.
I was trying to finger blast, but no one would teach me.
We got through this battle, but this plan is sketchy.
The enemies are only gonna get harder even without the glitch.
And if Finger Blast McGee keeps dicking around,
- it could fuck up the whole raid. - All right, I'll handle it.
Look, Ben, I don't think you understand how important this is, okay?
We need to focus. We gotta beat this raid.
I'm focused. I have to be to do the farts.
Right. But let's take that energy
and work on your actual attacks.
Charge up your decisive strike, but don't release it until I tell you. All right?
And now!
Great. I'm proud of you, buddy. That was awesome.
You're a good teacher, Devon.
Well, thanks.
Yeah. When we first started, I had to teach everyone how to play.
So, I guess I kinda got good at it.
- It's fun playing with you sluts. - Ben. Stop saying--
You know what? Never mind. Let's get in there, slut.
Yeah, slut brothers!
Fucking Freddie.
Listen up, everyone.
We're gonna tackle this boss one person at a time.
Damage dealers first, with support in the back for healing and buffs.
If we stay sharp and we stick to the plan,
we should be able to take down this boss without triggering the glitch.
We got this. Team Dab Queef on three.
One, two, three.
Team Dab Queef!
Shit. Goddamn it.
- Ben. - Let's go!
Good job, Ben.
Fuck it. Pairs.
Rory and Sorisana, focus up, guys.
Move!
Wait, wait, wait--
- Zounds! Vanquished! - Shit!
Seth. Freddie.
Seth, turn!
- Damn it! - Dumbass!
Rory and Ben.
Fuck!
Frick! I've gotta do something. These sluts are counting on me.
Maybe if I try a different weapon...
Finger blast!
Okay. Look, Ben is still respawning.
Let's all try to rush the Gorgon before he gets back in.
Team Dab Queef!
That's great. Guys, it's working.
- No, no, no. Keep going. - Finger blast!
Wait, Ben. No!
- What the hell? - Are you serious?
What did you-- Oh, my God!
Goddamn it, Ben. What was that?
Figured out how to finger blast.
Screw it. That's it. I'm kicking him out.
My mom can yell at me later.
Come on, Dev. He's a kid. He doesn't know any better.
He's fucking up our game.
Someone has to go, or the game is gonna keep glitching.
- It's gotta be him. - Look, if it makes things easier,
I can go. I have something I need to get to anyway.
What plans could you possibly have?
You're the most boring fucking person in the world, Seth.
- Shut up, Freddie. - Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're busy.
You probably got historically accurate civil war mini figs to paint,
or like a home and garden magazine to jack off to.
I'm meeting my girlfriend.
- Okay. - Your what?
You're dating someone?
You rake.
I'm dating Kristen Davis.
Hold on. Piss-stain Davis?
You're dating Piss-stain Davis?
Okay. That was in second grade.
And she didn't piss herself. She sat on her water bottle.
Guys.
- Then why did it smell like piss, bro? - Guys, stop it. Okay?
None of you are leaving. Ben is leaving.
Hey, are you sure, Dev?
Yeah, it's fine. Just give me a second to talk to him.
Okay. We'll go afk.
Look, Ben, you gotta go.
I don't actually have to go. I'm just farting.
No, I mean,
I need you to leave the game.
What do you mean?
You heard me, buddy. You gotta log off.
But I did the attacks like you taught me.
I know you did.
And I listened.
And I know I did a finger-blast, but I thought I was helping.
Ben, come on.
I just wanna play with you.
Brothers and roommates, roommates and brothers.
You don't get it, Ben.
Okay? This is me and my friends' game and you're messing it up.
You gotta go.
Please, Devon. I wanna play.
Please don't make me leave. Please, Dev--
Are you guys good?
Fine. Let's go.
Jesus. Finally. It took us five fucking years to get here.
Well, it's not over yet.
I read that the final boss is crazy hard. So here's what we're gonna do.
There's three activation circles,
and if we activate all three a shield will appear
that'll give us at least a chance of beating this thing.
So, Seth, you'll start by casting shadow step and then--
Okay.
Shit. I gotta take this. Hey, Mom.
Did you kick your brother out?
What? No, I mean-- Yeah. Yes.
I asked him to leave, but-- Mom. Mom, stop yelling.
Yikes.
Guys, maybe I should just leave.
It seems like things are getting tense over there.
Yeah. Go run along to Piss-stain. I hope you give each other giardia.
Yes! Drag him! Drag him to the depths of hell.
Her name is Kristen, Rory.
- Hey, guys. Sorry about that. - Yeah?
Hey, Dev. Seth is gonna fuck off.
So you might want to rethink your game plan.
- Wait. What? - If you're gonna go, go.
- Don't tell me what to do. - You said it already ten times.
Come on, guys. Neither of you are leaving. Let's go.
Let the whelp flee, Devon.
Let him flee to his piss-cave with his piss-queen.
You know what? Shut the fuck up, Kelly. Okay?
- Don't talk to her like that. - Jesus fucking Christ.
That's enough with the soap opera. I can't wait to get the hell out of this guild.
You know what? Fuck it. I'm starting it.
- Wait. No, no, no! - What the hell?
- Thanks, Freddie. - Okay.
Freddie!
Seth, aim for their eyes, dumbass.
God. Why are you such a dick, Rory?
See, this is why we broke up.
No. We broke up because you don't have a life.
You just sit around in your underwear watching anime.
I have a life.
It's just better with Kristen.
Fuck you, Seth.
Freddie, what did you mean? Are you not playing anymore?
I mean, I found a guild at Google, Clit Hounds,
and I'm gonna join them.
I just don't have enough XP.
But once we fuck up the boss, I'll be able to level up and join them.
So you're just using us?
I-- Yeah, I guess, if we win.
I should've known you prefer girls who mouth breathe
- and write Dragon Ball Z porn. - No,
I prefer girls that aren't so obsessed with trying to be cool
that they shame their boyfriends for liking the stuff that they like.
How dare you besmirch the name of Rory,
daughter of Ken, adjuster of claims, sister to Rachel?
Okay, Kelly, Kelly, before you do all that, why don't you ask her
about her roommate situation at Santa Cruz?
Seth, don't.
Shit.
I can't believe you're ditching us.
Look, I'm sorry, I guess.
But, like, I've just kind of outgrown you guys.
It's nothing personal.
How could it not be personal? You're bailing on your friends, dude.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy
just 'cause I have my life together, okay?
What bile does Seth the serpent spit, Rory?
Just forget it. He's being an asshole.
I'm being the asshole? I'm not the one lying to my friend.
What is he talking about, Rory?
I have my life together. I'm getting it together.
Bro, we both know that's not true.
- It's not a big deal, Kelly. - Tell her, Rory...
or I will.
I don't wanna be your roommate.
- What? - No!
Why?
Rory, why?
Why, Rory?
Rory, why?
- Because you're fucking weird. - Guys.
Kelly, you're just--
you're a lot. It's exhausting.
I just want a fresh start at college, okay?
- I knew you were a bitch, Rory, but damn. - Man, shut the fuck up, Freddie.
- Why are you defending her? - Hey.
You're balls-deep in Piss-stain now, dude.
Guys, stop it! Stop attacking each other. We're friends.
Maybe we're not friends.
Okay. Okay. I get it.
I mean, we don't have to.
That's--
Let's just reschedule. When's everyone free next?
Guys. Come on. We have to finish this raid,
and then we have, like, four other quests in our queue.
Dude, let it go. It's over. We're not playing anymore.
Okay. Fuck off, Freddie. Yes, we are.
- Okay? We-- - He's right. It's over.
Everything has its time and everything dies.
No! No, it doesn't have to die.
Not everything has to die, okay?
We've gone through so much together, guys. We can fix this.
We can--
Freddie was right.
My life's a fucking mess.
Right? I'm-- I don't have a job or a relationship, you know?
I'm not going to school.
I'm living with my little brother, for fuck's sake.
I don't-- I-- Look, I don't know what I'm gonna do, okay?
I just-- I don't--
I don't have anything else.
This game, our guild,
it's all I have.
Okay? Please, just--
Don't go.
Please.
I'm sorry, man.
But this is supposed to be fun and it's just not anymore.
See you around, bro.
Freddie, you--
Hate to say it, Dev, but I kind of agree with Freddie.
But I'll call you later, okay?
Love you, man.
Bye, Dev.
Well, good luck with everything.
No. You--
Kelly.
For a time, you were a just and noble leader.
I'm sorry, Dev. I'll see ya.
A flagon of sweet ambrosia, my good man.
Kelly, Sorisana.
Salutations, Devon.
I'm surprised to see you online.
And it's actually Naevys Luthana now.
I joined a new guild.
I was just logging on to transfer an item to my new character.
That's great. I'm glad you're still playing.
Yeah. I don't suppose you'd like to join?
Does everyone role-play?
- It means we all speak Elvish. - Yeah. I'm good. How's college?
I actually didn't end up going.
It turns out doing in-character mukbangs on Twitch is
highly lucrative.
- Wait, what? - Yeah. Yesterday,
I ate six Nashville hot chicken sandwiches for $3,000.
- It was sick. - Oh, my God.
What about you? What have you been up to?
I'm-- I mean, I'm working a bunch mostly. Saving up.
Eating normal amounts of food.
I'm applying to schools again. I'm thinking about being a teacher.
That's so wonderful.
You would be an excellent educator.
And, well, have you been playing at all or...
Sometimes. Yeah. It's not really the same.
You know, I often think of our adventures together.
Our coarse but lively camaraderie.
Ben.
A bond I thought immutable.
And at times, those memories fill me with sadness,
but most often I'm touched
by a deep and abiding gratitude
for the connection that we all shared.
Sometimes love lasts only for a season.
But what a bountiful season it was.
Verily.
Thanks, Kelly.
Look. Young Master Ben is online.
Shall we see what he's up to?
Yeah.
I'm the best gamer in the world.
Devon! Guys, it's my brother.
Everyone, fart like I taught you.
Three, two, one.
The legacy of farting lives on.
Good job, buddy.
You know, actually, is there any space in your guild or...
- That means, yes, of course. - You know what? Never mind.
No. I can teach you. Just repeat after me.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes. You got it.
Yeah. All right. Maybe I can do this.
- Maybe I can do this. All right. - Yeah, absolutely.