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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[ Dramatic music plays ]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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**

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**

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Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,

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I need you to make some noise
for the hometown hero.

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Give it up for Sean Patton!

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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[ Cheers and applause continue ]

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Hello, everyone. How are you?

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Thank you very much for being
here...on a -- on a Thursday...

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[ Laughter ]

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...during another
torrential downpour.

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I love you all dearly.

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Thank you for coming.

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Before we get started,

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this -- just so I get to
know you a little bit,

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how many of you,
by round of applause,

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have ever had an anxiety attack
whilst high?

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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On marijuana specifically.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Okay.

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I feel like other substances
are designed to freak you out.

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Weed's supposed to
mellow you out,

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so when you have --

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if you've never had
an anxiety attack whilst high,

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imagine something terrible,

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and then make it
unexpectedly worse.

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[ Laughter ]

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So it's like -- it's like
being bitten by a snake,

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which already sucks.

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You're already like, "Oh, God.
Oh, no. Oh, no."

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And then as the snake
slithers away,

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it hisses the name of your ex.

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[ Laughter ]

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"S-S-Samantha."
Like...[ Groans ]

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[ Laughter ]

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"Fuck you, snake!
Did she send you?!

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Tell her I died
in another woman's arms.

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And tell her that woman begged
you to bite her, as well,

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so she can join me
in the afterlife.

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But -- But then tell her that
I stopped you from biting her

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and let you bite me some more

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'cause I wanted you
to live your best life.

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Tell her I'm not selfish!

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Tell her I'm not selfish!"

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[ Laughter ]

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I am so fucking bad
at smoking weed.

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I want to be great at it.

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I want to be a great stoner.
It's all I've ever wanted.

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I've tried for 25 years
to be great at smoking weed.

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I'm terrible at it
because I have OCD, right?

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In my experience,
you cannot mix OCD with THC.

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OCD, it's a disorder --
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

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THC, the active ingredient
in marijuana, we all know,

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stands for Tetra Hydro
Can I get an eighth? Right?

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[ Laughter ]

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In my experience,
when you mix the two,

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you get an entirely new acronym,
COCDTH.

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[ Laughter ]

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C-O-C-D-T-H --

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stands for
"constantly overanalyzing

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certain deviant traits
of humanity."

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That's what happens to me, okay?

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[ Laughter ]

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If you know --
If you also have OCD,

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and statistically speaking,
30% of you do.

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So...you know our brains
are like neverending parades

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of intrusive thought.

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It never ends.

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Can be anything from,
"Throw shit at that baby!

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Throw shit at that baby!"

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to, "Join the Marines!

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Do it right now."

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[ Laughter ]

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Those were today!

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Those were today!

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I didn't act on them.

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I didn't --
I did not do those things.

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I didn't howler monkey a baby

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and then join the Corps
to avoid prosecution.

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[ Laughter ]

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But I thought it.

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And those are mild,

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mild examples of
intrusive though-- PG examples.

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Right? Like -- And I know,
I know, I know.

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All thoughts
are intrusive, right?

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They just pop into your head,
but -- but a non-OCD brain

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can scare away the twisted ones
with logic and whatnot.

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Not -- An OCD brain
invites those thoughts

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to squat for a while
in your cerebrum

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and sets up a glory hole
in our frontal lobe

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for other perverted thoughts,
right?

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[ Laughter ]

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I -- And I keep doing it!

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I keep smoking weed.

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I just --

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I shouldn't,
but I keep doing it.

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There's a reason behind it,
but it's hard.

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Like -- But first of all,
here's the thing.

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Here's something you got to know
about me before we go on here.

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I piss like this.

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[ Laughter ]

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You have to know this.

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Everywhere I piss,
I'm pissing like this.

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For 20-something years now,
I piss like this...

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because I spend all day,
every day thinking about

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what makes strangers laugh,
right?

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I need one for me, too,
and this --

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this one's for me.

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[ Laughter ]

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I find this hilarious.

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[ Laughter ]

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You can't be mad at the world...

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when you're pissing
in this stance...

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like a coach...

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like a P.E. coach,

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like a P-E-E coach,
like a pee coach.

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You can't be mad.

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[ Laughter ]

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See?

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Because even, like,
even when I'm not high,

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just normally,
I am in my head constantly,

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digging up things
to stress out about.

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"Oh, my God, my album sucks.
I haven't even released it yet.

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Jesus Christ,
is COVID my fault?

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I did go to China that one time,
and I did it bat.

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Did I bring it back?
Is this all my fault?

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Did I vote for Kanye?

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I can't remember.
I was drunk when I voted.

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Probably shouldn't vote drunk.

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Did I sell my soul
to the Disney corporation?

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I can't prove I didn't.

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I can't prove I'm not owned
by the Disney corporation.

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My soul is just
a corporate whore. I'm just...

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[ Laughs ]

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[ Laughter ]

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You can't take
the world seriously

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when you got to bunny-hop shake!

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Hey.

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And so, being from here,
here's --

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So New Orleans, Louisiana...

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where we are,
in case you forgot.

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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Okay.

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It's a fantastic city

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that people travel to
from around the world...

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to piss all over.

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[ Laughter ]

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It's --
It's kind of fucking annoying,

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but I don't know, I mean,
New Orleans is a kinky town.

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Maybe it's into it.
I don't know.

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If corporations
can be considered people,

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you know, I guess a municipality
could be into golden showers.

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[ Laughter ]

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It's a very --
Like, it's world-famous.

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Make no mistake about it.
Like, people know it fr--

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You know, they know this city
for its culture in general --

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the music, the food, right?

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The nightlife,
the -- the festivals,

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the ghosts,
the architecture.

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Its -- Its inability
to evacuate its citizens on time

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in the face
of a Category 4 1/2 storm.

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[ Laughter ]

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Very famous for that, as well...

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but also, the resiliency
to stay put and rebuild

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when the Bush administration
was like,

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"What, they want help?

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Did they vote for us?"
[ Chuckles ]

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And we were just like pbht!

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And rebuilt and here it is,

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one of the few cultural meccas
left in this country.

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It's a fantastic place, right?

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[ Cheers and applause ]

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And it's not just drunkards.

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I've seen
all kinds of people here --

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Bible thumpers...

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holy rollers...

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scripture peddlers...

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proverb slingers...

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Jesus dealers.

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For what drug is more addictive
than He upon high?

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[ Laughter ]

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Oh, they love New Orleans.

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I love seeing those fucking --
go get 'em!

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See them out there
with their matching t-shirts

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with whatever scripture
they're slinging that week --

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"Jebediah 13:69."

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[ Laughter ]

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They all got
their matching signs like,

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"Repent!
Repent or burn in Hell!"

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Which I think those signs only
make people want to go harder.

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Like, no one wants to be saved
whilst they are sinning.

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[ Laughter ]

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You got to get to them
just before or just after.

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In the moment, the reminder
of what they're doing

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just makes them
want to double down, I think.

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Like, I bet there's a guy
who was just out

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for a couple of beers
with friends

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and then saw all these signs
about going to Hell

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and was like, "Fuck it. Fuck it.

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I'm-a cheat on my wife first.
Gonna do that.

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I'm-a Google
the Ten Commandments

207
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,279
and break them all tonight!

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00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:32,530
I don't give a shit!

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If I'm going to Hell,

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I want to arrive in a chariot,
boy!"

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[ Laughter ]

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I -- They always have a cross.

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I love when they set up
the giant cross

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00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,085
in the middle of the street.

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00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,795
I am disappointed that
it's not a crucifix,

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00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,547
which means someone
would have to be nailed to it,

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00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,802
and if they were true believers,
they'd nail one of them to it.

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I would love to see it.

219
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,806
That would be insane...

220
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:01,226
but I would respect it...
if that was their tactic,

221
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,061
they were out
on the streets like,

222
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:07,816
"Jesus died for your sins,
just like Stuart is right now."

223
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,984
[ Laughter ]

224
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,986
"Stuart, tell the people
how much pain you're in.

225
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,823
Tell them.
Preach to the people, Stuart.

226
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,826
Tell them what it's like
saving their souls.

227
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:22,330
Tell them the word of the --
Stu.

228
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,332
Hey, Stu.

229
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:26,376
Hey.

230
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:29,504
Okay, shit, he bled out.

231
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:30,755
He bled out.

232
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,008
Now you need to meet
Jesus personally,

233
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,801
you lucky son of a gun!

234
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:36,344
That ain't a martyr!

235
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,680
The Lord took him!"

236
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:43,977
[ Laughter ]

237
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,687
Y'all felt that, too?

238
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,313
See?

239
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:53,695
Even here, even here
on a Thursday during Carnival,

240
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:55,530
you bring up Jesus...

241
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:59,159
I felt it from a few of you...

242
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,746
a collective puckering
of the ani.

243
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,122
[ Laughter ]

244
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:07,125
Come on, now.
What y'all scared about, babies?

245
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,919
Come on, now.
Y'all got to trust Uncle Sean.

246
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,171
I ain't gonna tell you no --

247
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:14,549
I ain't about
to bash Jesus Christ.

248
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,176
No, no, no. Unh-unh.

249
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,845
Unpucker those collective ani.

250
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,263
[ Laughter ]

251
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,390
Come on.

252
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,059
[ Laughter ]

253
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,561
I'm a very spiritual person.

254
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:27,896
Okay?

255
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:31,399
On June 17, 2021...

256
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:34,069
I'm very good with dates.

257
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,904
I was back home here visiting.

258
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:37,364
It was my first time home

259
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:40,909
since this whole
COVID situation kicked off.

260
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,036
I'm visiting.
I'm out at bars with friends.

261
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,496
I leave this one bar.

262
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,499
I'm crossing Bourbon Street,
and there they are,

263
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,376
the Jesus lovers
in full regalia.

264
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:53,088
They're back,
and the leader has a megaphone

265
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,756
and he's repeating this phrase.

266
00:11:54,798 --> 00:11:57,509
He's going, "Jesus loves you!

267
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,177
But I love Jesus!

268
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,889
Jesus loves you,
but I love Jesus.

269
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,557
Jesus loves you!"

270
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:10,397
And then he stops and looks me
directly in the eyes.

271
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:14,609
I was just standing there
10 feet away,

272
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,779
giggling like a lunatic...

273
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,948
because I had
thought of a response,

274
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:26,246
and his silence invited me...
to respond.

275
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:30,625
So I simply shouted back,
"Then you should marry him!"

276
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:35,088
[ Laughter ]

277
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:38,258
See? I wasn't being a dickhead.

278
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:42,345
That was just -- That was just
a playful little jab.

279
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,638
Also a veiled shot

280
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,974
at the Catholic Church's
stance on gay marriage,

281
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:47,392
specifically in the South.

282
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,810
According to them,

283
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:51,271
that guy couldn't marry Jesus
even if he wanted to.

284
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:55,358
And that's fucked up
because they're in love.

285
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,485
[ Laughter ]

286
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,820
Telling me that's not love?

287
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:01,156
You heard how much pain
he was in,

288
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,825
having to share Jesus
with the rest of us.

289
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:07,662
[ Voice breaking ] "Jesus loves
you, but I love Jesus."

290
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:11,624
[ Laughter ]

291
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,126
And as me and this gentleman

292
00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:16,463
are just having this momentary
awkward stare down,

293
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:17,797
what happens next

294
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:20,467
is why I will forever
believe in a higher power,

295
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:23,261
because it was just too good
to be random.

296
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,973
Right then and there,
this woman comes stumbling...

297
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,475
out of a bar,

298
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,353
out of Johnny White's Saloon,
just to give you some --

299
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,355
just to give you coordinates,
right?

300
00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:36,858
She comes stumbling out,
just hammered,

301
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:41,529
as if shoved out
by the hand of something divine.

302
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:44,032
[ Laughter ]

303
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:46,034
Or a bouncer, we'll never know.
but...

304
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:52,332
So hammered on the streets now,
in high heels.

305
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:55,043
The perfect drinking shoe,
ladies.

306
00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:56,878
[ Laughter ]

307
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,254
Right?

308
00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:01,591
She's looking like
a Bourbon Street gazelle.

309
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,887
[ Laughter ]

310
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:08,473
Like a rosé raptor.

311
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:12,018
[ Laughter ]

312
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,693
And she stares at this cross
for a few seconds

313
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:26,741
and then very loudly goes,
"I would completely fuck Jesus!"

314
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,911
[ Laughter ]

315
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:34,082
And then stumbled on,
and I laughed.

316
00:14:34,124 --> 00:14:37,085
I laughed a hearty,
hearty laugh

317
00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:39,754
because I'd never heard it
phrased that way before.

318
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,882
How do you
completely fuck someone?

319
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:46,970
[ Laughter ]

320
00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:50,765
You make them come 10 times
and then steal their identity?

321
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:55,061
[ Laughter ]

322
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,564
Does Jesus even have
a credit score?

323
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,233
If so, would you want it?
It's probably not that good.

324
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:03,194
He didn't come back
when he said he was gonna.

325
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:07,782
It's probably just average,
like 666, you know?

326
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:11,327
[ Laughter ]

327
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,291
I laughed at those words,

328
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:20,128
but those Jesus lovers
were mortified!

329
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:23,798
They reacted to her
like what she actually said was,

330
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,260
[ Shouting in foreign language ]

331
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,847
[ Growls ]

332
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:32,599
[ Laughter ]

333
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:38,104
For she had lusted
over the body of Jesus Christ!

334
00:15:38,146 --> 00:15:42,275
She lusted over the body
of our savior, but where --

335
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:48,114
where does it say that
you could not bang Jesus Christ?

336
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:50,450
[ Laughter, applause ]

337
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,619
Where in the good book
is it written

338
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:56,456
that thou shall not
bestow our Lord and Savior

339
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:59,000
with a healthy serving
of some ass?

340
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:00,335
[ Laughter ]

341
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:05,423
He died for us and came back!

342
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:10,679
I know people who have put out
over far less than that.

343
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,224
[ Laughter, applause ]

344
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:19,562
I know people who have fucked
'cause there was an Uber surge.

345
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:23,108
[ Laughter ]

346
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,487
Thank you.

347
00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:31,032
Don't know if the mics picked
that up, but that was a snort.

348
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,575
[ Laughter ]

349
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:33,660
Thank you.

350
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,203
Every time
an audience member snorts,

351
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:38,581
a comedian gets a wish, so...

352
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:40,041
Thank you.

353
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:41,876
[ Laughter ]

354
00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,378
It's Jesus I'm talking about.

355
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:47,048
Everyone here would sleep
with Jesus Christ.

356
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,217
Need I remind --
Remember, Jesus.

357
00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:50,885
I'm not talking about
Steve Bannon.

358
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,179
I'm talking about...Jesus.

359
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,389
[ Laughter ]

360
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:55,849
We don't focus
on the specs enough.

361
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:59,853
He was probably like
6 foot 3, 170 pounds,

362
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,522
all muscle,
built like an Olympic swimmer,

363
00:17:02,564 --> 00:17:05,066
for Christ's sake --
for his sake.

364
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,736
[ Laughter ]

365
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,070
Limber, athletic.

366
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:12,574
You know Jesus Christ
was athletic.

367
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:14,117
And I don't want
to offend anyone.

368
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,910
I'm not just saying that
'cause he was black.

369
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:19,706
He was also the Son of God.

370
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,416
That helps.

371
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,626
[ Cheers and applause ]

372
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:25,754
Exactly!

373
00:17:25,795 --> 00:17:27,172
Exactly, you heathens!

374
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,715
You'd bang the shit out --

375
00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:33,261
If Jesus had come back
to New Orleans...

376
00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,221
and was like, "Let's not
do this rapture thing.

377
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:38,266
I want to just live
for a few decades,"

378
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,436
moved here to -- move to
the Marigny or the Bywater

379
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:43,730
or whatever the Brooklyn
of New Orleans is now.

380
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:48,109
Right?
Opened up a Krav Maga studio.

381
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,569
[ Laughter ]

382
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,821
And, like,
a pourover coffee shop

383
00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:54,574
and, like, a shuffleboard bar,
you know?

384
00:17:54,616 --> 00:17:57,660
He's already got that
good Dr. John beard, you know?

385
00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,245
That good beard.

386
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:02,749
Pulls his hair back in a man bun
or cornrows, whatever, right?

387
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:06,586
And...see him rocking
a full Lululemon outfit,

388
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:11,675
just walking -- walking his
Shiba Inu pitbull mix.

389
00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,302
[ Laughter ]

390
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:16,805
Off-leash? Duh.

391
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,765
[ Laughter ]

392
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:21,976
People are running up to pet it,
like, "Is this a rescue?"

393
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,813
"No, no, no. He's a resurrect."

394
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:27,190
[ Laughter ]

395
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,943
"Say hi, Lazarus. Say hi."

396
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,528
[ Laughter ]

397
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:32,987
What?

398
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:37,325
Jesus would be laying more pipe
than Local 188, baby!

399
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,619
[ Cheers and applause ]

400
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:42,997
Greenpeace would have to
set up shop here

401
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,333
to protest all that drilling.

402
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:51,214
[ Laughter ]

403
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,886
I live in Brooklyn now.

404
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:59,597
Now, Brooklyn,
in case you didn't know,

405
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,892
is the number-one place
in the world to raise a kid...

406
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:06,438
based on how many kids
I see being raised there.

407
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,982
[ Laughter ]

408
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,358
It's a lot.

409
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,611
There's a coffee shop
I go to quite a bit

410
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,655
in my neighborhood of
Crown Heights, Brooklyn, right?

411
00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:18,742
I go in there one day,
and there's a cool dad,

412
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:24,914
cool as shit, you know,
very, very rugged motif, huh?

413
00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:28,293
Clearly,
he had handled an axe before

414
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,755
while throwing it
at a target in a bar...

415
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:35,300
where they were doing a
corporate teambuilding exercise.

416
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,844
And I bet he even
picked up the tab, right?

417
00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:38,887
You could tell.

418
00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:41,306
He was just like,
"Yeah, I'm a man."

419
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:42,599
[ Laughter ]

420
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,226
And he's trying to be cool

421
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:47,812
whilst also
disciplining his kid,

422
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:51,149
who is maybe 5 years old,
maybe, right?

423
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,442
So this dude's all,

424
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:57,113
"Mason? Mason? Mason?
Mason? Mason?"

425
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,782
[ Laughter ]

426
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:01,785
And you could tell he noticed
then that people were watching,

427
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,329
so the question mark
becomes a period, right?

428
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:08,792
"Mason. Mason. Mason. Mason?"

429
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,919
I know, by the way,
Mason, right?

430
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,504
I know. Strong name.

431
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:14,798
You think of George Mason
or Stone Masons.

432
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:19,177
I guarantee you this fucking guy
named him after the jar.

433
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:21,971
100%.

434
00:20:22,013 --> 00:20:25,266
He likes drinking sour IPA
out of them so much,

435
00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:27,435
named his kid after one.

436
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:30,980
Kid's middle name
is probably Brita.

437
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,190
[ Laughter ]

438
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:33,733
"Mason."

439
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:37,195
And Mason was the coolest
fucking kid I have ever seen.

440
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,988
He did not give a shit.

441
00:20:39,030 --> 00:20:42,784
He earned my respect forever
with one move.

442
00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:46,538
He walked over
to a table and closed a laptop

443
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,833
while the guy
was on the laptop!

444
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:51,084
[ Laughter ]

445
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:54,004
It's the most hardcore shit
I've ever seen.

446
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:57,382
So this dude was there
just typing away

447
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:58,883
in a coffee shop in Brooklyn,

448
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:03,722
so no doubt authoring the next
great Vulture article...

449
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:07,851
taking down the patriarchy
from within...

450
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:11,563
and then one of its
youngest members comes over

451
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,024
and just shatters
everything about it.

452
00:21:14,065 --> 00:21:16,735
Like, jellyfishes him
right there on the spot,

453
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,737
'cause he has to
move his hands away

454
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,197
so Mason could slam the shit,

455
00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:24,576
and then this adult just sat
there like he was in trouble.

456
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:29,039
[ Laughter ]

457
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,834
And Mason just stared back
at his dad like this.

458
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:34,252
[ Laughter ]

459
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,880
Just cold as ice.

460
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,424
Like, he might as well
have been like...

461
00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:41,593
[ Laughter ]

462
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,095
"The fuck you gonna do,
Gregory?"

463
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:47,390
[ Laughter ]

464
00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,976
"I'll call you Dad
when you earn it!"

465
00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:55,482
[ Laughter ]

466
00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:56,775
And the dad tried to flex.

467
00:21:56,816 --> 00:22:00,779
He like, "One...two...three."

468
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,906
And Mason's response
to three was

469
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:05,992
just to start swaying,
just like this.

470
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,703
[ Laughter ]

471
00:22:08,745 --> 00:22:10,080
Like a video-game character

472
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:13,124
whose player temporarily
put down the controller.

473
00:22:13,166 --> 00:22:16,086
[ Laughter ]

474
00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:18,088
I don't know where this falls
on the spectrum,

475
00:22:18,129 --> 00:22:20,298
but it is terrifying.

476
00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:21,966
[ Laughter ]

477
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,302
And you could tell
his dad was afraid of him

478
00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:28,264
but pushed on, like, "Four...

479
00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:29,808
Five.

480
00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:31,893
Do you want to sign a treaty
before I get to six?"

481
00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:34,813
And at that moment,
Mason turns his back

482
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,607
and starts pulling napkins
out of the dispenser,

483
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:38,983
and I had to leave because

484
00:22:39,025 --> 00:22:40,985
I was about to start
rooting for this kid.

485
00:22:41,027 --> 00:22:42,362
You understand?

486
00:22:42,404 --> 00:22:46,032
I was about to start, like,
"Mason! Mason! Mason!"

487
00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:48,618
He was so badass.

488
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:50,995
Like, I left with my coffee,

489
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:53,665
made the block,
and considered going back in

490
00:22:53,707 --> 00:22:55,667
'cause I know they still
would have been there,

491
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:57,961
but only now,
his dad's balled up crying

492
00:22:58,003 --> 00:23:04,509
and Mason's counting like,
"Eight...nine...ten.

493
00:23:04,551 --> 00:23:06,344
I don't know
what comes after ten.

494
00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:08,346
I'm a child.

495
00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:10,223
Here, take a napkin, crybaby.

496
00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:12,517
What a little bitch."

497
00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:14,519
[ Laughter ]

498
00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:16,896
I bet he'll never
respect his dad

499
00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:20,984
'cause that dad clearly cares
entirely too much

500
00:23:21,026 --> 00:23:24,154
about the opinion
of the strangers around him.

501
00:23:24,195 --> 00:23:27,699
Which is probably why he became
a parent in the first place.

502
00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:32,203
[ Light laughter ]

503
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:33,997
I know that's harsh. I know.

504
00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:35,999
And I don't mean for it to be.

505
00:23:36,041 --> 00:23:39,711
I simply grew up
with a different type of parent,

506
00:23:39,753 --> 00:23:42,714
the parent that doesn't
give a fuck!

507
00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:44,924
[ Laughter ]

508
00:23:44,966 --> 00:23:48,011
A fuck!

509
00:23:48,053 --> 00:23:51,014
Fuck!

510
00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:53,725
A fuck!

511
00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:58,396
About the opinion
of the strangers around them...

512
00:23:58,438 --> 00:23:59,647
which is probably also why

513
00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:01,566
they had kids
in the first place, too.

514
00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,568
Let's just be honest.

515
00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:05,528
[ Laughter ]

516
00:24:05,570 --> 00:24:11,868
But they also don't want those
strangers to call the cops.

517
00:24:11,910 --> 00:24:15,580
So in public, it's a far harder
parent to spot.

518
00:24:15,622 --> 00:24:18,249
They don't make
a negotiation scene.

519
00:24:18,291 --> 00:24:20,210
They don't do a countdown...

520
00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:22,921
when the kid starts
being a dickhead in public.

521
00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:24,756
They give him a few seconds
to pull out of it,

522
00:24:24,798 --> 00:24:26,132
save their own skin,

523
00:24:26,174 --> 00:24:28,593
and if they don't,
they just get drug off.

524
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:30,095
"Listen to me right fucking now.

525
00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:32,764
If you do not shut the fuck up
this fucking second,

526
00:24:32,806 --> 00:24:34,933
I promise you,
the second we get home,

527
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:37,769
I will break your goddamn neck
in front of your fucking toys.

528
00:24:37,811 --> 00:24:40,605
Do you understand me?
Do you understand me?

529
00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:42,065
I will line them up.

530
00:24:42,107 --> 00:24:45,151
You will say goodbye
to each one individually.

531
00:24:45,193 --> 00:24:46,528
Yeah.

532
00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:48,571
And they will watch the life
leave your fucking f--

533
00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:51,783
Oh, oh, that's funny?
Oh, that's funny? You're lau--

534
00:24:51,825 --> 00:24:53,785
Oh, that's funny.
You know what else is funny?

535
00:24:53,827 --> 00:24:55,620
I wished for it
to be a miscarriage.

536
00:24:55,662 --> 00:24:57,455
I did.

537
00:24:57,497 --> 00:25:00,625
I flipped a coin
into a fountain!

538
00:25:00,667 --> 00:25:03,253
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

539
00:25:03,294 --> 00:25:04,963
No. Oh, you have something
to say now?

540
00:25:05,005 --> 00:25:07,298
No, say it. Say it.
I'm listening. Say it.

541
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:09,092
No, say it. I'm listening.

542
00:25:09,134 --> 00:25:10,468
Exactly!

543
00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:13,304
Act tough, then back down!

544
00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:15,640
Just like your father.

545
00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:19,185
[ Cheers and applause ]

546
00:25:27,318 --> 00:25:30,822
Hi. No, just one, please.
He's not eating.

547
00:25:30,864 --> 00:25:34,367
[ Laughter ]

548
00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:42,500
Am I reminding some of you
of your mothers?

549
00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:44,836
[ Laughter, applause ]

550
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:48,298
Or of yourselves?

551
00:25:48,340 --> 00:25:51,968
When my mom would get
liftoff-level angry...

552
00:25:52,010 --> 00:25:53,470
she'd make threats.

553
00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:55,096
She'd say things that were
supposed to frighten us,

554
00:25:55,138 --> 00:25:56,931
like,
"Y'all need to calm down.

555
00:25:56,973 --> 00:25:58,350
Calm this shit down now.

556
00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:00,060
I'm gonna tell your daddy."

557
00:26:00,101 --> 00:26:03,646
And our response would be like,
"Please tell Dad.

558
00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,315
Please immediately tell Dad

559
00:26:05,357 --> 00:26:08,777
so that someone else knows
the whereabouts of our remains."

560
00:26:08,818 --> 00:26:11,863
[ Laughter ]

561
00:26:11,905 --> 00:26:14,699
"Please rope a third party
into this."

562
00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:16,326
[ Laughter ]

563
00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:20,038
It was when she got
cruising-altitude pissed off...

564
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,333
when it became terrifying.

565
00:26:23,375 --> 00:26:28,546
Terrified, because that was the
moment she would begin praying.

566
00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:30,048
[ Laughter ]

567
00:26:30,090 --> 00:26:32,550
Some of you understand.

568
00:26:32,592 --> 00:26:33,885
[ Laughter ]

569
00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:35,512
The rest of you,

570
00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:37,514
I can hear the question
burning on your minds.

571
00:26:37,555 --> 00:26:39,307
"Well, what's so terrifying
about prayer?"

572
00:26:39,349 --> 00:26:42,352
How about the fact that
we weren't raised religious?

573
00:26:42,394 --> 00:26:43,395
[ Laughter ]

574
00:26:43,436 --> 00:26:46,523
That'll get
in your fucking head.

575
00:26:46,564 --> 00:26:49,192
I remember my brother
and I were children

576
00:26:49,234 --> 00:26:51,403
at the grocery store
with my mom,

577
00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:52,904
acting like children.

578
00:26:52,946 --> 00:26:55,365
What does that mean,
obeying her every command?

579
00:26:55,407 --> 00:26:56,908
Fuck no.

580
00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:59,369
That's not your duty as a child.

581
00:26:59,411 --> 00:27:01,413
Our parents all
brought us into this world

582
00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:03,206
without our permission.

583
00:27:03,248 --> 00:27:06,584
Your duty as a child
is to push them to the edge,

584
00:27:06,626 --> 00:27:08,294
see what
they're fucking made of,

585
00:27:08,336 --> 00:27:10,380
test their resolve.

586
00:27:10,422 --> 00:27:12,924
Have they earned the right
to tell you what to do

587
00:27:12,966 --> 00:27:16,219
for the next 18
to 30 years of your life?

588
00:27:16,261 --> 00:27:18,596
Depending on whether or not you
get your shit together later,

589
00:27:18,638 --> 00:27:20,390
and that's also kind of on them.

590
00:27:20,432 --> 00:27:21,850
[ Laughter ]

591
00:27:21,891 --> 00:27:25,770
It's your duty to see what
they're made of at that age.

592
00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:27,397
And that's what we were doing.

593
00:27:27,439 --> 00:27:30,108
We were doing
our duty as children,

594
00:27:30,150 --> 00:27:31,776
and we get out
to the parking lot.

595
00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:34,612
And my mom
just fucking snaps.

596
00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:35,905
Lets go of the basket.

597
00:27:35,947 --> 00:27:38,033
It rolls into a parked car,
right?

598
00:27:38,074 --> 00:27:40,952
I remember the car, too --
a Lincoln Continental.

599
00:27:40,994 --> 00:27:42,912
I remember it because
I wanted nothing more

600
00:27:42,954 --> 00:27:45,790
than to be locked inside of it
at that moment

601
00:27:45,832 --> 00:27:48,251
'cause I knew
what was about to happen.

602
00:27:48,293 --> 00:27:50,253
The alarm gets set off
by the basket.

603
00:27:50,295 --> 00:27:52,630
Now people are looking.
She doesn't care.

604
00:27:52,672 --> 00:27:55,258
She's not here anymore.

605
00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:56,634
[ Laughter ]

606
00:27:56,676 --> 00:27:58,636
I saw her eyes go black.

607
00:27:58,678 --> 00:28:00,638
I was terrified.

608
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:04,184
And right there,
in broad daylight,

609
00:28:04,225 --> 00:28:08,146
in front of all these witnesses,
she starts begging.

610
00:28:08,188 --> 00:28:10,440
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph"...

611
00:28:10,482 --> 00:28:12,108
[ Laughter ]

612
00:28:12,150 --> 00:28:15,987
So not only a deity she'd never
introduced in our lives before,

613
00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:22,494
but his parents,
begging them...to stop her...

614
00:28:22,535 --> 00:28:25,497
[ Laughter ]

615
00:28:25,538 --> 00:28:27,999
...to stop her.

616
00:28:28,041 --> 00:28:32,003
And my brother's like,
"Stop her from what?"

617
00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:35,173
[ Laughter ]

618
00:28:35,215 --> 00:28:38,385
And that was the day
I became the oldest.

619
00:28:38,426 --> 00:28:41,888
[ Laughter ]

620
00:28:41,930 --> 00:28:43,932
[ Cheers and applause ]

621
00:28:45,934 --> 00:28:48,478
Oh! Oh!

622
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:49,646
Brrr!

623
00:28:49,688 --> 00:28:51,648
Back to you.

624
00:28:51,690 --> 00:28:53,900
Peacock call.

625
00:28:57,987 --> 00:28:59,489
My fucking parents, man.

626
00:28:59,531 --> 00:29:01,574
They -- They --

627
00:29:01,616 --> 00:29:03,827
Like, okay, I can give you
so many stories,

628
00:29:03,868 --> 00:29:05,370
but we don't have time.

629
00:29:05,412 --> 00:29:07,747
Here's an example of how
my parents did things, alright?

630
00:29:07,789 --> 00:29:11,292
When I was 18 years old,
I borrowed their van, okay?

631
00:29:11,334 --> 00:29:12,752
Did I have my license yet?

632
00:29:12,794 --> 00:29:16,131
No, but that was
their fucking issue, alright?

633
00:29:16,172 --> 00:29:18,091
They were the ones
who wouldn't let me get it

634
00:29:18,133 --> 00:29:20,135
just because I had failed
sophomore year --

635
00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:21,344
again, alright?

636
00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:22,762
So they were projecting

637
00:29:22,804 --> 00:29:25,140
their bullshit onto me,
and I needed the van

638
00:29:25,181 --> 00:29:27,767
'cause me and my boys
had to go play mailbox baseball.

639
00:29:27,809 --> 00:29:29,019
Okay?

640
00:29:29,060 --> 00:29:32,188
We'd been
planning it for hours, okay?

641
00:29:32,230 --> 00:29:34,607
And how were we supposed to know

642
00:29:34,649 --> 00:29:37,944
that there would be mail in the
mailboxes at that hour, okay?

643
00:29:37,986 --> 00:29:42,115
We didn't, and the cops were
total fuckin' dicks, per uge,

644
00:29:42,157 --> 00:29:43,283
and we get arrested.

645
00:29:43,324 --> 00:29:45,035
And instead of being cool

646
00:29:45,076 --> 00:29:47,287
and just bailing me out
that day,

647
00:29:47,328 --> 00:29:50,457
my dad decides, no,
they're gonna leave me in jail

648
00:29:50,498 --> 00:29:53,585
'til my arraignment
three days later --

649
00:29:53,626 --> 00:29:55,170
for 72 straight hours --

650
00:29:55,211 --> 00:29:59,007
so I would learn
a lesson, right?

651
00:29:59,049 --> 00:30:01,343
What a fucking genius.

652
00:30:01,384 --> 00:30:05,138
That's brilliant parenting
across the board, really.

653
00:30:05,180 --> 00:30:08,183
That's a great strategy
right there, you know?

654
00:30:08,224 --> 00:30:09,476
"Hey, boy, you made your bed.

655
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,019
Now hide your cigarettes
underneath it,"

656
00:30:11,061 --> 00:30:12,854
you know what I'm saying?

657
00:30:12,896 --> 00:30:15,482
[ Laughter ]

658
00:30:15,523 --> 00:30:19,652
That probably would have worked
on someone less stupid than me.

659
00:30:19,694 --> 00:30:25,700
Like, I am the reason
why I am so pro-choice.

660
00:30:25,742 --> 00:30:28,036
[ Laughter ]

661
00:30:28,078 --> 00:30:29,496
It's all me.

662
00:30:29,537 --> 00:30:31,039
[ Applause ]

663
00:30:31,081 --> 00:30:35,377
Based on the hell I put my
parents through as a youngster,

664
00:30:35,418 --> 00:30:38,213
I think every woman
should consider

665
00:30:38,254 --> 00:30:41,716
terminating her first pregnancy
just on principle.

666
00:30:41,758 --> 00:30:45,387
[ Laughter, applause ]

667
00:30:45,428 --> 00:30:47,472
Be like
Texas Hold' Em dealers --

668
00:30:47,514 --> 00:30:50,392
burn the first one so you can
flop out the next three, right?

669
00:30:50,433 --> 00:30:52,644
[ Laughter, applause ]

670
00:30:52,686 --> 00:30:55,730
Makes the game move
much smoother.

671
00:30:55,772 --> 00:30:59,234
[ Laughter ]

672
00:30:59,275 --> 00:31:00,819
There is no better time than now

673
00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:03,905
to make an abortion reference
with Texas in the title,

674
00:31:03,947 --> 00:31:06,074
I'll tell you that.

675
00:31:06,116 --> 00:31:08,910
[ Cheers and applause ]

676
00:31:08,952 --> 00:31:11,246
Like, I was -- [ Chuckles ]

677
00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:14,082
But I think, like,
the key to parenting --

678
00:31:14,124 --> 00:31:15,917
like, my parents
were not cool at all.

679
00:31:15,959 --> 00:31:17,419
They were t-- they were parents.

680
00:31:17,460 --> 00:31:19,421
Parenting is hard, right?

681
00:31:19,462 --> 00:31:21,423
It's not an activity.
It's a lifestyle.

682
00:31:21,464 --> 00:31:23,008
It's not axe-throwing.

683
00:31:23,049 --> 00:31:24,426
It's being a lumberjack,

684
00:31:24,467 --> 00:31:27,762
and some people
obviously can't hack it.

685
00:31:27,804 --> 00:31:29,389
But I -- Like --

686
00:31:29,431 --> 00:31:34,102
I think the key to parenting
is embracing the fact

687
00:31:34,144 --> 00:31:37,731
that you are going to
fuck your kids up.

688
00:31:37,772 --> 00:31:40,066
Not just accepting,
but embracing,

689
00:31:40,108 --> 00:31:43,570
and that is not a critique
on anyone as an individual.

690
00:31:43,611 --> 00:31:46,239
It is a statement
about the human condition.

691
00:31:46,281 --> 00:31:47,991
We are flawed.
We will pass that shit on.

692
00:31:48,033 --> 00:31:51,119
And if you just thought,
"I'm not gonna fuck my kids up,"

693
00:31:51,161 --> 00:31:53,580
I guarantee that is exactly

694
00:31:53,621 --> 00:31:55,957
how you're gonna
fuck your kids up.

695
00:31:55,999 --> 00:31:57,292
[ Laughter ]

696
00:31:57,334 --> 00:31:59,711
You're gonna try too hard.

697
00:31:59,753 --> 00:32:01,338
I don't think it matters
your approach.

698
00:32:01,379 --> 00:32:02,756
You could be the cool parent.

699
00:32:02,797 --> 00:32:04,758
You could be the chill parent
who, you know,

700
00:32:04,799 --> 00:32:06,634
the first time
you catch him smoking weed,

701
00:32:06,676 --> 00:32:09,304
you smoke the weed with him
and wait 'til you're both baked

702
00:32:09,346 --> 00:32:11,348
to decide
on your disciplinary action.

703
00:32:11,389 --> 00:32:14,434
That's great.

704
00:32:14,476 --> 00:32:15,935
But now you're gonna raise
a person

705
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:18,938
who probably will think
the world is fair.

706
00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:21,608
And once they're crushed by
the sheer unfairness of it all,

707
00:32:21,649 --> 00:32:23,526
they're gonna have to
move back home with you

708
00:32:23,568 --> 00:32:27,530
and start a podcast about
monetizing one's victimhood.

709
00:32:27,572 --> 00:32:30,325
Right?

710
00:32:30,367 --> 00:32:32,494
And if you're the harsh parent
that, you know,

711
00:32:32,535 --> 00:32:34,788
makes them have chores
on the weekend

712
00:32:34,829 --> 00:32:36,539
and they have to get a job
when they're 8

713
00:32:36,581 --> 00:32:37,791
and it's all about
accountability

714
00:32:37,832 --> 00:32:40,168
and responsibility,
that's amazing.

715
00:32:40,210 --> 00:32:41,628
You're raising a go-getter,

716
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:43,797
but unfortunately,
60 years too late

717
00:32:43,838 --> 00:32:45,632
'cause the system's
fucking rigged.

718
00:32:45,674 --> 00:32:48,218
So they're gonna get to the top,
and then right then and there

719
00:32:48,259 --> 00:32:50,804
have an opportunity
swiped away from them

720
00:32:50,845 --> 00:32:54,349
by the unqualified,
coked-up son of the CEO,

721
00:32:54,391 --> 00:32:56,643
and then they're gonna be
broken by that

722
00:32:56,685 --> 00:32:58,978
and have to move
back home with you

723
00:32:59,020 --> 00:33:02,732
and start a podcast about
murdering their boss' son --

724
00:33:02,774 --> 00:33:05,860
a pre-murder podcast,
first of its kind.

725
00:33:05,902 --> 00:33:07,529
So there you go.

726
00:33:07,570 --> 00:33:09,531
As young parents,
ask yourselves,

727
00:33:09,572 --> 00:33:15,036
"What kind of podcast
do I want my kids to start?

728
00:33:15,078 --> 00:33:17,747
And am I willing to produce it?"

729
00:33:17,789 --> 00:33:21,209
[ Laughter ]

730
00:33:21,251 --> 00:33:23,378
Like -- By round of applause,

731
00:33:23,420 --> 00:33:26,047
how many of you have
divorced parents?

732
00:33:26,089 --> 00:33:28,550
[ Cheers and applause ]

733
00:33:32,137 --> 00:33:34,055
You're lucky. You're very lucky.

734
00:33:34,097 --> 00:33:35,390
[ Laughter ]

735
00:33:35,432 --> 00:33:36,850
Very, very lucky.

736
00:33:36,891 --> 00:33:39,519
I know -- I know their divorce
fucked you up,

737
00:33:39,561 --> 00:33:41,187
but it fucked you up

738
00:33:41,229 --> 00:33:44,024
in a very cool,
sexy, brooding way.

739
00:33:44,065 --> 00:33:47,193
You're all mysterious
with your pain and shit.

740
00:33:47,235 --> 00:33:50,030
[ Laughter ]

741
00:33:50,071 --> 00:33:53,575
Like, when my mom was about
to go nuclear,

742
00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:55,535
when she started
sharpening her knives,

743
00:33:55,577 --> 00:33:59,289
and I mean that figuratively
and literally, okay?

744
00:33:59,330 --> 00:34:02,542
My dad could distract her
with one sentence.

745
00:34:02,584 --> 00:34:04,627
He'd say, "Woman,
you need to calm it down

746
00:34:04,669 --> 00:34:07,255
or I'm gonna go live
with my other wife."

747
00:34:07,297 --> 00:34:08,882
[ Laughter ]

748
00:34:08,923 --> 00:34:11,593
He didn't have no other wife.
He wasn't that smooth.

749
00:34:11,634 --> 00:34:15,597
But that sentence
would still make her jealous,

750
00:34:15,638 --> 00:34:17,015
and she'd go after him.

751
00:34:17,057 --> 00:34:21,311
Why? Because that is true love.
Understand?

752
00:34:21,353 --> 00:34:22,604
[ Laughter ]

753
00:34:22,645 --> 00:34:24,647
My parents were born
the same year

754
00:34:24,689 --> 00:34:27,067
next door to one another
in the Lower Ninth.

755
00:34:27,108 --> 00:34:29,778
They grew up knowing
each other since birth,

756
00:34:29,819 --> 00:34:32,447
and they started dating
when they were like 14, okay?

757
00:34:32,489 --> 00:34:36,076
And it ruined me! Destroyed me!

758
00:34:36,117 --> 00:34:37,619
[ Laughter ]

759
00:34:37,660 --> 00:34:39,829
Their -- Their relationship
turned me into

760
00:34:39,871 --> 00:34:42,248
a little romance bitch,
you know?

761
00:34:42,290 --> 00:34:47,462
Just weeping all the time,
like a fatter version of Cupid,

762
00:34:47,504 --> 00:34:50,924
just firing hot-dog darts
that would just deflect

763
00:34:50,965 --> 00:34:53,134
off of every woman
I fell in love with

764
00:34:53,176 --> 00:34:55,762
every 48 hours, you understand?

765
00:34:55,804 --> 00:34:58,098
You think being ghosted is bad?

766
00:34:58,139 --> 00:35:01,309
Try not getting a response
to handwritten poetry

767
00:35:01,351 --> 00:35:04,145
over and over again.

768
00:35:04,187 --> 00:35:08,316
[ Laughter, applause ]

769
00:35:08,358 --> 00:35:12,320
That's how they fucked me up.

770
00:35:12,362 --> 00:35:13,780
That's all he had to say.

771
00:35:13,822 --> 00:35:16,491
"Woman, I'm gonna go live
with my other wife,"

772
00:35:16,533 --> 00:35:18,201
and that would make her jealous

773
00:35:18,243 --> 00:35:21,496
and she'd turn all her rage
on him and go after him.

774
00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:22,956
And then he'd fart,

775
00:35:22,997 --> 00:35:26,292
and we'd all laugh
and come together as a family.

776
00:35:26,334 --> 00:35:27,794
[ Laughter ]

777
00:35:27,836 --> 00:35:31,172
If you don't think farting
is important to family,

778
00:35:31,214 --> 00:35:33,508
you're absolutely wrong.

779
00:35:33,550 --> 00:35:35,635
Someone should light a match
near your logic.

780
00:35:35,677 --> 00:35:37,679
Farting is what --

781
00:35:37,721 --> 00:35:39,431
Like, here's how powerful
farting is.

782
00:35:39,472 --> 00:35:40,807
In a relationship,

783
00:35:40,849 --> 00:35:42,642
the moment you decide
you love one another,

784
00:35:42,684 --> 00:35:44,352
you fart in front of each other.

785
00:35:44,394 --> 00:35:46,354
The first time,
and even before that,

786
00:35:46,396 --> 00:35:48,148
it's when you know
you truly trust someone,

787
00:35:48,189 --> 00:35:52,027
when you rip ass in front
of them for the first time.

788
00:35:52,068 --> 00:35:53,319
Farting is important.

789
00:35:53,361 --> 00:35:54,487
It's also hilarious.

790
00:35:54,529 --> 00:35:56,364
If you don't think
farting is funny,

791
00:35:56,406 --> 00:35:58,533
go walk into
the Mississippi River,

792
00:35:58,575 --> 00:36:01,369
short yourself out,
'cause your simulation sucks,

793
00:36:01,411 --> 00:36:03,997
you understand?

794
00:36:04,039 --> 00:36:08,543
Like, we could be in an active-
shooter situation right now,

795
00:36:08,585 --> 00:36:10,670
terrified for our lives,

796
00:36:10,712 --> 00:36:13,048
and if someone rips ass,
we're all gonna be like,

797
00:36:13,089 --> 00:36:15,383
"Ha! Oh, man."

798
00:36:15,425 --> 00:36:16,843
[ Laughter ]

799
00:36:16,885 --> 00:36:19,220
The shooter might even laugh
and be like,

800
00:36:19,262 --> 00:36:20,513
"What am I doing? I'm sorry.

801
00:36:20,555 --> 00:36:21,723
I got to chill out, y'all.

802
00:36:21,765 --> 00:36:24,059
I'm gonna take a walk."

803
00:36:24,100 --> 00:36:25,852
[ Laughter ]

804
00:36:25,894 --> 00:36:27,729
Like, farting -- he would fart,

805
00:36:27,771 --> 00:36:30,398
and my dad was so good
at farting.

806
00:36:30,440 --> 00:36:33,401
He was so -- He was great at it.

807
00:36:33,443 --> 00:36:35,028
No fart was ever wasted
with him.

808
00:36:35,070 --> 00:36:38,031
He understood it was
all about timing, okay?

809
00:36:38,073 --> 00:36:40,575
He knew when to fart
to end an argument.

810
00:36:40,617 --> 00:36:42,702
He knew when to fart
to start a conversation.

811
00:36:42,744 --> 00:36:45,413
He knew when to fart
to raise morale.

812
00:36:45,455 --> 00:36:48,583
He knew when to fart
to -- to celebrate.

813
00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:50,585
He knew when to fart
to commiserate.

814
00:36:50,627 --> 00:36:53,463
He was the best I'd ever seen.

815
00:36:53,505 --> 00:36:56,049
And he could do all the farts,

816
00:36:56,091 --> 00:36:58,259
everything from
a tap-dancing bullfrog

817
00:36:58,301 --> 00:36:59,469
to a screeching eagle.

818
00:36:59,511 --> 00:37:02,263
He could do them all.

819
00:37:02,305 --> 00:37:03,598
He was the best.

820
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:04,808
[ Laughter ]

821
00:37:04,849 --> 00:37:07,102
Like, here's what he'd do --

822
00:37:07,143 --> 00:37:09,062
when he'd ripped the ass,
he give it a second,

823
00:37:09,104 --> 00:37:12,107
and then he'd go,
"Y'all heard that baby wolf?"

824
00:37:12,148 --> 00:37:16,111
[ Laughter, applause ]

825
00:37:16,152 --> 00:37:20,990
And every time he said that,
I would go, [Howls]

826
00:37:21,032 --> 00:37:23,451
[ Laughter ]

827
00:37:23,493 --> 00:37:26,287
That's how much
I respected a fart.

828
00:37:26,329 --> 00:37:28,081
I howled at the baby wolf

829
00:37:28,123 --> 00:37:31,001
so it wouldn't feel like
it was alone.

830
00:37:31,042 --> 00:37:33,086
[ Laughter ]

831
00:37:33,128 --> 00:37:36,297
Now, based on everything
I just said,

832
00:37:36,339 --> 00:37:37,757
some of you probably assume

833
00:37:37,799 --> 00:37:41,636
I live my entire life
neck-deep in poontang.

834
00:37:41,678 --> 00:37:45,598
[ Laughter ]

835
00:37:47,475 --> 00:37:50,145
The haters amongst you probably
think I'm still a virgin.

836
00:37:50,186 --> 00:37:51,938
That's fine.

837
00:37:51,980 --> 00:37:57,694
I lost my virginity
on March 7, 1998.

838
00:37:57,736 --> 00:38:00,655
I'm very good with dates.

839
00:38:00,697 --> 00:38:02,824
I don't so much remember
the act itself.

840
00:38:02,866 --> 00:38:04,659
What I remember more
about the sex

841
00:38:04,701 --> 00:38:06,119
was the morning after.

842
00:38:06,161 --> 00:38:08,496
I woke up first.
She was still asleep.

843
00:38:08,538 --> 00:38:09,831
We were
in the spooning position.

844
00:38:09,873 --> 00:38:11,791
I was big spoon.
She was a little spoon.

845
00:38:11,833 --> 00:38:15,670
And the bed was like our own
private silverware drawer.

846
00:38:15,712 --> 00:38:17,464
[ Laughter ]

847
00:38:17,505 --> 00:38:21,343
I was a man now, so I did
what I thought men should do.

848
00:38:21,384 --> 00:38:23,345
I got up
and went into the kitchen

849
00:38:23,386 --> 00:38:25,180
to make the woman
breakfast in bed.

850
00:38:25,221 --> 00:38:26,514
[ Cheering ]

851
00:38:26,556 --> 00:38:28,641
Fuck yeah.

852
00:38:28,683 --> 00:38:30,977
[ Applause ]

853
00:38:31,019 --> 00:38:32,562
I found a big-ass punch bowl.

854
00:38:32,604 --> 00:38:35,190
I filled it full
of an entire box of cereal...

855
00:38:35,231 --> 00:38:36,691
[ Laughter ]

856
00:38:36,733 --> 00:38:39,527
...then added in an entire
half-gallon of milk,

857
00:38:39,569 --> 00:38:41,237
two spoons.

858
00:38:41,279 --> 00:38:43,740
Casanova? Yes.

859
00:38:43,782 --> 00:38:46,868
Also still a teenager? Yes.

860
00:38:46,910 --> 00:38:48,995
I walked back into the bedroom,

861
00:38:49,037 --> 00:38:55,877
and there she was, my angel,
fast asleep, and whoops!

862
00:38:55,919 --> 00:39:03,551
Dowsed her, direct hit,
soaked from neck to ankle.

863
00:39:03,593 --> 00:39:06,554
"Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

864
00:39:06,596 --> 00:39:08,390
I was just bringing you
breakfast in bed,

865
00:39:08,431 --> 00:39:12,894
and I tripped over the...floor.

866
00:39:12,936 --> 00:39:16,106
I didn't realize how flat
and level it was."

867
00:39:16,147 --> 00:39:18,942
[ Laughter ]

868
00:39:18,983 --> 00:39:23,238
But now, between you and I,
that wasn't no accident.

869
00:39:23,279 --> 00:39:25,198
I did that on purpose.

870
00:39:25,240 --> 00:39:29,202
See, there's a little fact
I left out earlier.

871
00:39:29,244 --> 00:39:31,579
I didn't tell you
'cause I didn't trust you yet,

872
00:39:31,621 --> 00:39:33,373
but now I do.

873
00:39:33,415 --> 00:39:37,419
The private silverware
I had mentioned, the bed...

874
00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:39,754
was full of piss.

875
00:39:39,796 --> 00:39:43,299
[ Laughter ]

876
00:39:47,262 --> 00:39:50,432
I just want to make eye contact
with everyone individually.

877
00:39:50,473 --> 00:39:52,225
[ Laughter ]

878
00:39:52,267 --> 00:39:58,314
'Cause you see, one of us...
had pissed the bed.

879
00:39:58,356 --> 00:40:00,233
And the one of us that did it...

880
00:40:00,275 --> 00:40:03,153
you all paid money
to watch perform tonight.

881
00:40:03,194 --> 00:40:07,615
[ Laughter ]

882
00:40:07,657 --> 00:40:11,161
Oh! Oh, I'm leaking.

883
00:40:16,166 --> 00:40:17,417
[ Laughs ]

884
00:40:17,459 --> 00:40:21,338
See, I...am a bedwetter.

885
00:40:21,379 --> 00:40:24,299
Now, when I say that,
people want to ask, "Still?"

886
00:40:24,341 --> 00:40:26,926
Here's the thing
about being a bedwetter --

887
00:40:26,968 --> 00:40:29,512
once a bedwetter,
always a bedwetter.

888
00:40:29,554 --> 00:40:32,057
But it's a lot like being
a professional athlete.

889
00:40:32,098 --> 00:40:35,060
At a certain point,
you can't do it anymore.

890
00:40:35,101 --> 00:40:38,521
You have to retire
for your own health...

891
00:40:38,563 --> 00:40:42,442
but maybe every now and again,
you do it for charity events.

892
00:40:42,484 --> 00:40:43,902
[ Laughter ]

893
00:40:43,943 --> 00:40:45,195
And at that point,

894
00:40:45,236 --> 00:40:47,781
I was the best
that ever fucking did it.

895
00:40:47,822 --> 00:40:49,032
You understand?

896
00:40:49,074 --> 00:40:50,742
I was the GOAT of bedwetting,
okay?

897
00:40:50,784 --> 00:40:52,202
By that point,
I had done them all --

898
00:40:52,243 --> 00:40:56,414
single beds, double beds,
full size, king size,

899
00:40:56,456 --> 00:40:58,917
queen size,
the entire monarchy of beds.

900
00:40:58,958 --> 00:41:00,543
I did those.

901
00:41:00,585 --> 00:41:04,589
Bunk beds? Fuck yeah,
both north and south, done.

902
00:41:04,631 --> 00:41:07,217
Futons, couches?

903
00:41:07,258 --> 00:41:09,886
I could do those in my sleep.

904
00:41:09,928 --> 00:41:11,554
And I did.

905
00:41:11,596 --> 00:41:13,223
[ Laughter ]

906
00:41:13,264 --> 00:41:15,767
Murphy beds --
you ever even see a Murphy bed?

907
00:41:15,809 --> 00:41:17,602
That's the bed
you pull out of the wall

908
00:41:17,644 --> 00:41:19,104
like you're an old private dick

909
00:41:19,145 --> 00:41:22,107
living in your office
in Manhattan in 1922.

910
00:41:22,148 --> 00:41:24,317
There's a mystery
for you to solve.

911
00:41:24,359 --> 00:41:26,945
Back in the wall.

912
00:41:26,986 --> 00:41:29,239
Water beds -- two of them!

913
00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,449
How many people have ever even
slept in a water bed,

914
00:41:31,491 --> 00:41:32,784
let alone pissed in?

915
00:41:32,826 --> 00:41:34,619
Two.

916
00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:36,079
You'd think pissing a water bed

917
00:41:36,121 --> 00:41:38,623
would magically open up
a portal to Atlantis.

918
00:41:38,665 --> 00:41:40,959
It doesn't.

919
00:41:41,001 --> 00:41:42,627
[ Laughter ]

920
00:41:42,669 --> 00:41:45,422
Just remember that.

921
00:41:45,463 --> 00:41:47,424
I was the GOAT.

922
00:41:47,465 --> 00:41:49,134
Well, if GOAT stands
for greatest of all time,

923
00:41:49,175 --> 00:41:51,636
we are talking about
bedwetting here, so I'll --

924
00:41:51,678 --> 00:41:54,305
I was the SHEEP --

925
00:41:54,347 --> 00:41:58,810
Steadily Hosing
Everything Everywhere...Piss.

926
00:41:58,852 --> 00:42:01,146
[ Laughter ]

927
00:42:01,187 --> 00:42:03,481
But this was
my greatest accomplishment.

928
00:42:03,523 --> 00:42:04,941
This was my crown jewel.

929
00:42:04,983 --> 00:42:06,526
This was my Super Bowl trophy.

930
00:42:06,568 --> 00:42:10,864
I had pissed my girlfriend's
parents' bed with her in it.

931
00:42:10,905 --> 00:42:12,532
[ Laughter, groans ]

932
00:42:12,574 --> 00:42:14,617
You know how it is in the south.

933
00:42:14,659 --> 00:42:16,286
Her parents were out of town,

934
00:42:16,327 --> 00:42:17,996
and she wanted
to lose her virginity

935
00:42:18,038 --> 00:42:20,665
in the same place
she was possibly conceived.

936
00:42:20,707 --> 00:42:22,292
Everybody kn--

937
00:42:22,334 --> 00:42:25,003
That's that good luck, Jimbo!
Everybody knows that!

938
00:42:25,045 --> 00:42:28,506
[ Laughter ]

939
00:42:28,548 --> 00:42:30,675
Direct hit.

940
00:42:30,717 --> 00:42:32,469
[ Laughter ]

941
00:42:32,510 --> 00:42:35,388
What kind of cereal was it,
you ask?

942
00:42:35,430 --> 00:42:38,808
[ Laughter ]

943
00:42:38,850 --> 00:42:40,852
Life.

944
00:42:40,894 --> 00:42:46,191
[ Laughter, applause ]

945
00:42:46,232 --> 00:42:48,693
There's poetry everywhere.

946
00:42:48,735 --> 00:42:50,153
[ Laughter ]

947
00:42:50,195 --> 00:42:54,699
On January 13, 1999 --
good with dates --

948
00:42:54,741 --> 00:42:56,159
she dumped me.

949
00:42:56,201 --> 00:42:59,788
Now, yes, for a split second,
I was terrified.

950
00:42:59,829 --> 00:43:03,041
For a split second, I was like,
"Did she figure it out,

951
00:43:03,083 --> 00:43:07,420
that it wasn't cows milk,
but bladder milk?"

952
00:43:07,462 --> 00:43:09,214
[ Laughter ]

953
00:43:09,255 --> 00:43:12,717
"Which cleansed our sin
from her loins?"

954
00:43:12,759 --> 00:43:16,262
[ Laughter ]

955
00:43:17,764 --> 00:43:20,058
No, she didn't figure it out.

956
00:43:20,100 --> 00:43:21,351
[ Laughter ]

957
00:43:21,393 --> 00:43:23,269
She broke up with me because,

958
00:43:23,311 --> 00:43:26,690
in her words,
I was too emotional.

959
00:43:26,731 --> 00:43:29,192
That's ridiculous.
It's a terrible excuse.

960
00:43:29,234 --> 00:43:30,610
Too emotional? Come on.

961
00:43:30,652 --> 00:43:32,904
I'm a Scorpio.

962
00:43:32,946 --> 00:43:35,448
I have master control
over my emotions.

963
00:43:35,490 --> 00:43:36,741
You understand?

964
00:43:36,783 --> 00:43:38,326
No other person
is gonna get those out of me.

965
00:43:38,368 --> 00:43:40,870
Sure, I was hurt.
I had opened myself up to her.

966
00:43:40,912 --> 00:43:43,748
I did what people say they want
you to do in a relationship.

967
00:43:43,790 --> 00:43:45,041
I was vulnerable.

968
00:43:45,083 --> 00:43:46,251
I opened my --
I said, "There's my --

969
00:43:46,292 --> 00:43:48,420
There's me on the inside.
That's my heart.

970
00:43:48,461 --> 00:43:50,964
Would you like to touch it?"
And she said, "Uh-huh."

971
00:43:51,006 --> 00:43:52,549
Took it.

972
00:43:52,590 --> 00:43:54,926
Ripped it out of my ch--
I never saw it again.

973
00:43:54,968 --> 00:43:56,386
I don't know
what she did with it.

974
00:43:56,428 --> 00:43:58,722
Probably used it
around the house like a sponge,

975
00:43:58,763 --> 00:44:02,100
like a -- like a paperweight
or a doorstop.

976
00:44:02,142 --> 00:44:03,727
Probably every time
she met a guy

977
00:44:03,768 --> 00:44:05,395
she wanted to bang
and he didn't have a condom,

978
00:44:05,437 --> 00:44:06,896
she was like, "Well, here,
it's no big deal.

979
00:44:06,938 --> 00:44:09,482
Use Sean's heart as a condom."

980
00:44:09,524 --> 00:44:10,942
[ Laughter ]

981
00:44:10,984 --> 00:44:14,112
Unfortunate, it hurt, but, hey,
life happens, alright?

982
00:44:14,154 --> 00:44:15,655
But I was still broken.

983
00:44:15,697 --> 00:44:17,741
I was still a sad little boy.

984
00:44:17,782 --> 00:44:20,785
And I decided after a couple
of weeks in the doldrums

985
00:44:20,827 --> 00:44:22,287
that the best way
to get over her

986
00:44:22,328 --> 00:44:27,292
and move on with life
was to see some titties...

987
00:44:27,334 --> 00:44:31,296
go to a strip club
for the first time.

988
00:44:31,338 --> 00:44:34,424
Now, there's no shortage
of strip clubs here.

989
00:44:34,466 --> 00:44:37,135
Bourbon Street alone's
got two or three.

990
00:44:37,177 --> 00:44:39,804
[ Laughter ]

991
00:44:39,846 --> 00:44:42,015
It's got eight, I believe.

992
00:44:42,057 --> 00:44:45,602
I think it's actually like 13.

993
00:44:45,643 --> 00:44:49,522
And there used to be
off-Bourbon strip clubs.

994
00:44:49,564 --> 00:44:50,774
You remember those?

995
00:44:50,815 --> 00:44:52,317
Which were a lot like
off-Broadway theaters,

996
00:44:52,359 --> 00:44:53,985
if you know what I'm saying.

997
00:44:54,027 --> 00:44:55,320
[ Laughter ]

998
00:44:55,362 --> 00:44:57,322
Like, yeah, you're gonna
pay less to get in,

999
00:44:57,364 --> 00:44:58,990
but you're gonna be
kind of confused

1000
00:44:59,032 --> 00:45:01,785
by what you're watching
on the stage.

1001
00:45:01,826 --> 00:45:05,789
It's more experimental
than you were hoping.

1002
00:45:05,830 --> 00:45:09,334
And there'll be a fog machine
unnecessarily at full blast.

1003
00:45:09,376 --> 00:45:12,420
You can guarantee it.

1004
00:45:12,462 --> 00:45:14,464
And, like, you know,
the Quarter has got world-famous

1005
00:45:14,506 --> 00:45:17,634
strip clubs, you know,
like Rick's Cabaret,

1006
00:45:17,676 --> 00:45:20,470
you know, Stiletto's,
Barely Legal --

1007
00:45:20,512 --> 00:45:23,473
Larry Flynt's Barely Legal,
Larry Flynt's Hustler Club.

1008
00:45:23,515 --> 00:45:25,642
They've got -- I didn't go
to the Quarter, though.

1009
00:45:25,684 --> 00:45:27,644
I didn't go to
any fancy strip clubs.

1010
00:45:27,686 --> 00:45:31,189
I went 33 miles
north of the city...

1011
00:45:31,231 --> 00:45:34,317
to a suburb known
as Slidell, Louisiana.

1012
00:45:34,359 --> 00:45:37,195
[ Cheers and applause ]

1013
00:45:37,237 --> 00:45:40,031
Where there's a gem
of a gentlemen's club

1014
00:45:40,073 --> 00:45:41,700
called Scuttlebutt.

1015
00:45:41,741 --> 00:45:43,576
[ Cheers and applause ]

1016
00:45:43,618 --> 00:45:46,371
You know it. You -- Hey.

1017
00:45:46,413 --> 00:45:48,373
[ Cheers and applause continue ]

1018
00:45:48,415 --> 00:45:51,251
They should be paying me money
for that response.

1019
00:45:51,292 --> 00:45:52,836
[ Laughter, applause ]

1020
00:45:52,877 --> 00:45:55,547
I don't know that anyone's
ever cheered for Scuttlebutt,

1021
00:45:55,588 --> 00:45:58,800
but there --
you know, it's there.

1022
00:45:58,842 --> 00:46:00,385
[ Applause ]

1023
00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:04,681
Now, I grew up near that place,
and for my entire life,

1024
00:46:04,723 --> 00:46:08,518
I thought it was just the
dumbest-named strip club ever.

1025
00:46:08,560 --> 00:46:11,396
Such a -- Scuttlebutt, like the
owner was just some meathead

1026
00:46:11,438 --> 00:46:12,772
who didn't understand
English that well.

1027
00:46:12,814 --> 00:46:14,733
Was like,
"Look, I want them to scuttle in

1028
00:46:14,774 --> 00:46:16,735
to see some butt.

1029
00:46:16,776 --> 00:46:18,903
Bam, names itself.

1030
00:46:18,945 --> 00:46:20,405
It's better than Scuttlegash.

1031
00:46:20,447 --> 00:46:23,241
It's better than Scuttletwat --
Scuttlebutt.

1032
00:46:23,283 --> 00:46:26,202
Put it on the fucking sign,
dude."

1033
00:46:26,244 --> 00:46:27,829
[ Laughter ]

1034
00:46:27,871 --> 00:46:31,916
But later, I would learn that
"scuttlebutt" is a real word

1035
00:46:31,958 --> 00:46:33,418
with an actual definition,

1036
00:46:33,460 --> 00:46:38,423
the definition of which
is "a rumor or gossip."

1037
00:46:38,465 --> 00:46:40,884
So now that changes...
right away.

1038
00:46:40,925 --> 00:46:44,262
Now I think the owner's just,
like, a dude with a monocle

1039
00:46:44,304 --> 00:46:46,556
and a top hat twirling a cane.

1040
00:46:46,598 --> 00:46:50,018
"Pardon me,
gentlemen and scholars alike.

1041
00:46:50,060 --> 00:46:51,436
Behind these doors

1042
00:46:51,478 --> 00:46:53,563
be scantily clad
women of the night,

1043
00:46:53,605 --> 00:46:55,732
willing to polish the knob
on your front side

1044
00:46:55,774 --> 00:46:59,778
for mere pennies on the dollar,
or so that be the scuttlebutt."

1045
00:46:59,819 --> 00:47:03,323
[ Laughter ]

1046
00:47:06,785 --> 00:47:10,747
Now, at the time,
I was only 20 years old.

1047
00:47:10,789 --> 00:47:14,834
That is technically too young
to get in...

1048
00:47:14,876 --> 00:47:17,253
anywhere else in the country.

1049
00:47:17,295 --> 00:47:19,589
But I was also heartbroken,

1050
00:47:19,631 --> 00:47:22,801
so I walked into that place
with the confidence of a vet.

1051
00:47:22,842 --> 00:47:24,302
You know what I mean?

1052
00:47:24,344 --> 00:47:25,762
Like the -- Like the --

1053
00:47:25,804 --> 00:47:27,597
The bouncer
didn't even look at me,

1054
00:47:27,639 --> 00:47:30,684
but I swear I heard him say,
"Thank you for your service."

1055
00:47:30,725 --> 00:47:34,229
[ Laughter ]

1056
00:47:35,647 --> 00:47:39,275
I went to the bar,
ordered a PBR...

1057
00:47:39,317 --> 00:47:41,986
off the imported-beer list.

1058
00:47:42,028 --> 00:47:44,614
[ Laughter ]

1059
00:47:44,656 --> 00:47:47,701
Imported from Milwaukee, bruh!

1060
00:47:47,742 --> 00:47:48,993
[ Laughter ]

1061
00:47:49,035 --> 00:47:50,954
And I sat at the stage

1062
00:47:50,995 --> 00:47:53,957
and just sort of flipped
dollar bills at the strippers

1063
00:47:53,998 --> 00:47:55,500
while listening to them strip

1064
00:47:55,542 --> 00:47:57,002
'cause I was still
that heartbroken

1065
00:47:57,043 --> 00:47:59,170
where I couldn't even
look at another female form.

1066
00:47:59,212 --> 00:48:01,339
Like, "Oh, she had a stomach,
too, man.

1067
00:48:01,381 --> 00:48:03,508
No, I'm just not ready."

1068
00:48:03,550 --> 00:48:05,969
And I was 20, so I was broke.

1069
00:48:06,011 --> 00:48:08,179
So, like, every third flick,
there was nothing there.

1070
00:48:08,221 --> 00:48:10,724
I just did the motion.

1071
00:48:10,765 --> 00:48:11,808
[ Laughter ]

1072
00:48:11,850 --> 00:48:14,644
And I just listened
to the cavalcade.

1073
00:48:14,686 --> 00:48:18,064
"Alright, fellas,
here she comes, Crystal!"

1074
00:48:18,106 --> 00:48:23,153
"Alright,
club favorite Cacophany."

1075
00:48:23,194 --> 00:48:26,740
"Sexiest woman in the southeast
five years running,

1076
00:48:26,781 --> 00:48:28,867
it's Ebony!"

1077
00:48:28,908 --> 00:48:31,202
A white girl, by the way.

1078
00:48:31,244 --> 00:48:32,829
[ Laughter ]

1079
00:48:32,871 --> 00:48:34,039
You know?

1080
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:35,665
Culturally appropriating before

1081
00:48:35,707 --> 00:48:39,210
"cultural appropriation"
was a buzzword.

1082
00:48:39,252 --> 00:48:42,172
She was a real
South African American,

1083
00:48:42,213 --> 00:48:44,382
if you know what I'm saying.

1084
00:48:44,424 --> 00:48:46,009
[ Laughter ]

1085
00:48:46,051 --> 00:48:50,263
"Alright, fellas, here she is,
club favorite Jubilee."

1086
00:48:50,305 --> 00:48:51,681
[ Laughter ]

1087
00:48:51,723 --> 00:48:56,061
"Alright, late night.
Here she comes, Nancy."

1088
00:48:56,102 --> 00:48:58,063
[ Laughter ]

1089
00:48:58,104 --> 00:48:59,564
That caught my attention.

1090
00:48:59,606 --> 00:49:01,566
Nancy -- that's not
a stripper name.

1091
00:49:01,608 --> 00:49:02,859
That's a normal name.

1092
00:49:02,901 --> 00:49:05,028
The stripper's name-name
might be Nancy,

1093
00:49:05,070 --> 00:49:09,074
but then her stripper name
would be like Charcuterie.

1094
00:49:09,115 --> 00:49:11,034
[ Laughter ]

1095
00:49:11,076 --> 00:49:15,205
"She's a board full of meat,
fellas," right?

1096
00:49:15,246 --> 00:49:16,414
[ Laughter ]

1097
00:49:16,456 --> 00:49:18,833
Nancy --
that caught my attention,

1098
00:49:18,875 --> 00:49:21,711
and unlike every stripper
before her who came out

1099
00:49:21,753 --> 00:49:26,716
dancing to Ja Rule
or Metallica or Pantera or DMX,

1100
00:49:26,758 --> 00:49:31,554
Nancy came out dancing
to the Goo Goo Dolls' "Iris."

1101
00:49:31,596 --> 00:49:33,598
[ Laughter, applause ]

1102
00:49:33,640 --> 00:49:35,725
We all know that song.

1103
00:49:35,767 --> 00:49:38,103
And a lot of people tell
themselves over and over again

1104
00:49:38,144 --> 00:49:39,771
that they hate that song.

1105
00:49:39,813 --> 00:49:41,606
And if you truly believe
you hate that song,

1106
00:49:41,648 --> 00:49:45,443
then I guess the world saw you
and it didn't understand.

1107
00:49:45,485 --> 00:49:48,446
[ Laughter ]

1108
00:49:48,488 --> 00:49:51,449
And Nancy and I make eye contact
right then and there,

1109
00:49:51,491 --> 00:49:53,910
and it's obvious there's a bond.

1110
00:49:53,952 --> 00:49:55,537
It's strong between us.

1111
00:49:55,578 --> 00:49:57,789
I'm almost worried
other people can see it, right?

1112
00:49:57,831 --> 00:49:59,749
I mean, she was
looking right through me.

1113
00:49:59,791 --> 00:50:01,334
She could see right through me.

1114
00:50:01,376 --> 00:50:03,128
I was a broken little boy.

1115
00:50:03,169 --> 00:50:05,463
That's why
I was in the strip club.

1116
00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:07,465
And -- But I could see
right through her, as well.

1117
00:50:07,507 --> 00:50:09,300
She was also broken.

1118
00:50:09,342 --> 00:50:11,177
It's why she was stripping.

1119
00:50:11,219 --> 00:50:12,470
[ Light laughter ]

1120
00:50:12,512 --> 00:50:15,098
I know. I feel it
from some of you, like,

1121
00:50:15,140 --> 00:50:17,267
"W-Well, Sean, are --
what are you saying?

1122
00:50:17,308 --> 00:50:19,936
Are you implying that all
strippers are broken people?"

1123
00:50:19,978 --> 00:50:26,151
Yes, I absolutely fucking am,
and you need to respect that...

1124
00:50:26,192 --> 00:50:27,444
'cause I don't give a shit.

1125
00:50:27,485 --> 00:50:28,653
If you're not broken,

1126
00:50:28,695 --> 00:50:30,321
go out there
and live your life.

1127
00:50:30,363 --> 00:50:33,033
Get broken,
then we can hang out.

1128
00:50:33,074 --> 00:50:34,784
Broken people are real,
you understand?

1129
00:50:34,826 --> 00:50:37,120
Like, human beings,
we're like glow sticks.

1130
00:50:37,162 --> 00:50:41,791
We can't truly shine
'til someone cracks us...

1131
00:50:41,833 --> 00:50:43,501
shakes us up.

1132
00:50:43,543 --> 00:50:46,963
[ Laughter, applause ]

1133
00:50:47,005 --> 00:50:48,340
Because she was broken,

1134
00:50:48,381 --> 00:50:51,760
Nancy was more human
than human...

1135
00:50:51,801 --> 00:50:54,512
which is a White Zombie song

1136
00:50:54,554 --> 00:50:57,015
that Crystal
had danced to earlier.

1137
00:50:57,057 --> 00:51:00,143
[ Laughter, applause ]

1138
00:51:00,185 --> 00:51:03,146
And she's dancing around now,
and she's topless.

1139
00:51:03,188 --> 00:51:07,359
And there they are,
those titties I came to see.

1140
00:51:07,400 --> 00:51:09,361
But now they were
more than just titties.

1141
00:51:09,402 --> 00:51:11,988
They were breasts.

1142
00:51:12,030 --> 00:51:14,324
Those which nourish us
as children

1143
00:51:14,366 --> 00:51:15,658
and please us as adults.

1144
00:51:15,700 --> 00:51:17,327
This was somewhere
in between, right?

1145
00:51:17,369 --> 00:51:20,538
And we make eye contact again,
and it's a bridge of light.

1146
00:51:20,580 --> 00:51:22,540
It's like I'm staring
into the eyes of someone

1147
00:51:22,582 --> 00:51:24,542
I had known for centuries,

1148
00:51:24,584 --> 00:51:26,503
and our last words
to one another were,

1149
00:51:26,544 --> 00:51:27,921
"Find me in the next life."

1150
00:51:27,962 --> 00:51:28,963
And here we were,

1151
00:51:29,005 --> 00:51:31,341
finding each other
in the next life,

1152
00:51:31,383 --> 00:51:35,011
in a strip club
in Slidell, Louisiana.

1153
00:51:35,053 --> 00:51:37,055
Who would've thunk it?

1154
00:51:37,097 --> 00:51:38,264
And she kept dancing around.

1155
00:51:38,306 --> 00:51:39,516
She had other people there,

1156
00:51:39,557 --> 00:51:42,435
but every second,
she'd look back at me

1157
00:51:42,477 --> 00:51:45,271
and we'd make eye contact
over and over again.

1158
00:51:45,313 --> 00:51:46,648
Our bond was so strong.

1159
00:51:46,690 --> 00:51:49,025
We're here, Nancy!
We found each other!

1160
00:51:49,067 --> 00:51:51,986
How many lifetimes
have we spent searching?!

1161
00:51:52,028 --> 00:51:54,406
Our journey
can finally continue!

1162
00:51:54,447 --> 00:51:57,200
We can be together again
and travel the world

1163
00:51:57,242 --> 00:52:00,078
and show the human race
the possibilities of love

1164
00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:03,540
and how it's the only thing
that will save us from doom!

1165
00:52:03,581 --> 00:52:05,417
Nancy and I would be together!

1166
00:52:05,458 --> 00:52:07,252
And then --
And then I'm in a headlock.

1167
00:52:07,293 --> 00:52:09,587
I'm in a headlock, right?

1168
00:52:09,629 --> 00:52:11,423
[ Laughter ]

1169
00:52:11,464 --> 00:52:12,757
Out of nowhere.

1170
00:52:12,799 --> 00:52:15,093
And I look up,
and it's the bouncer.

1171
00:52:15,135 --> 00:52:16,428
He's got me in a headlock,

1172
00:52:16,469 --> 00:52:19,222
and he's walking me out
because he saw --

1173
00:52:19,264 --> 00:52:21,474
he saw the connection.

1174
00:52:21,516 --> 00:52:24,519
He knew the prophecy was true!

1175
00:52:24,561 --> 00:52:25,895
[ Laughter ]

1176
00:52:25,937 --> 00:52:29,607
He knew why I was there --
to free Nancy

1177
00:52:29,649 --> 00:52:31,776
so she could free
others like her.

1178
00:52:31,818 --> 00:52:34,779
My heart was pounding at
five times the rate it ever had,

1179
00:52:34,821 --> 00:52:36,614
pumping blood into this body

1180
00:52:36,656 --> 00:52:38,992
that was stronger
than it has ever been.

1181
00:52:39,034 --> 00:52:41,244
I was more than a man
because of her.

1182
00:52:41,286 --> 00:52:43,580
I almost felt sorry
for this fucking fool.

1183
00:52:43,621 --> 00:52:47,083
He had no clue who he had
just put his hands on.

1184
00:52:47,125 --> 00:52:48,793
And we got out
to the parking lot,

1185
00:52:48,835 --> 00:52:51,629
and he makes the mistake
of releasing me.

1186
00:52:51,671 --> 00:52:55,300
Me!
A gladiator and warrior in one,

1187
00:52:55,342 --> 00:52:59,804
ready to destroy anyone
that stood between Nancy and I,

1188
00:52:59,846 --> 00:53:02,640
starting with
that fucking mortal.

1189
00:53:02,682 --> 00:53:05,268
[ Laughter ]

1190
00:53:05,310 --> 00:53:09,105
And he very calmly goes,
"Hey, hey, man. Hey.

1191
00:53:09,147 --> 00:53:12,025
I can't have you
in there crying, dude."

1192
00:53:12,067 --> 00:53:15,653
[ Laughter ]

1193
00:53:22,202 --> 00:53:25,914
Yeah, that makes sense.

1194
00:53:25,955 --> 00:53:28,166
That checks out.

1195
00:53:28,208 --> 00:53:31,711
[ Laughter ]

1196
00:53:36,716 --> 00:53:39,177
Maybe I am too emotional.

1197
00:53:39,219 --> 00:53:42,097
[ Laughter, applause ]

1198
00:53:47,310 --> 00:53:48,978
Years before that --

1199
00:53:49,020 --> 00:53:51,356
Years and years before that,

1200
00:53:51,398 --> 00:53:54,275
whilst I was still
an active bedwetter,

1201
00:53:54,317 --> 00:53:57,404
on November 17, 1991 --
I know that day.

1202
00:53:57,445 --> 00:53:58,780
I remember it

1203
00:53:58,822 --> 00:54:01,157
'cause it was the day after
my 13th birthday,

1204
00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:02,242
and I was in a bad place

1205
00:54:02,283 --> 00:54:04,285
because I was still
pissing the bed.

1206
00:54:04,327 --> 00:54:07,789
When you're still bedwetting
at 13, it's an issue.

1207
00:54:07,831 --> 00:54:11,251
And my uncle --
he did what uncles do...

1208
00:54:11,292 --> 00:54:14,045
which is where they think your
parents can't get the job done,

1209
00:54:14,087 --> 00:54:16,464
so they take a crack at it.

1210
00:54:16,506 --> 00:54:18,008
[ Light laughter ]

1211
00:54:18,049 --> 00:54:20,468
He sat me down, and he did
the whole thing, was like,

1212
00:54:20,510 --> 00:54:21,928
"Look at me, boy!

1213
00:54:21,970 --> 00:54:23,596
Look at me when
I'm talking to you, boy.

1214
00:54:23,638 --> 00:54:24,973
Look at me, boy.

1215
00:54:25,015 --> 00:54:27,475
Pissing the bed, like you do?

1216
00:54:27,517 --> 00:54:29,185
You know else does that?

1217
00:54:29,227 --> 00:54:31,312
Serial killers."

1218
00:54:31,354 --> 00:54:33,648
[ Laughter ]

1219
00:54:33,690 --> 00:54:36,651
Told me that at 13.

1220
00:54:36,693 --> 00:54:38,486
Like that is what was
gonna wake me up

1221
00:54:38,528 --> 00:54:40,989
from my bedwetting nightmare

1222
00:54:41,031 --> 00:54:43,825
and I'd go take a piss
in the toilet of maturity.

1223
00:54:43,867 --> 00:54:47,120
Like, that's a lot
to tell a 13-year-old,

1224
00:54:47,162 --> 00:54:48,955
and if you didn't know that,
yes.

1225
00:54:48,997 --> 00:54:50,832
A trait that a lot
of serial killers share

1226
00:54:50,874 --> 00:54:53,585
is wetting the bed
into their adult years.

1227
00:54:53,626 --> 00:54:56,671
It's also a trait that people
with perfect pitch share, so...

1228
00:54:56,713 --> 00:54:59,674
take it as you will.

1229
00:54:59,716 --> 00:55:01,843
[ Laughter, applause ]

1230
00:55:01,885 --> 00:55:03,345
But that fucked with me.

1231
00:55:03,386 --> 00:55:05,805
That information was too much
for my young mind,

1232
00:55:05,847 --> 00:55:10,352
and thus,
my first OCD tic was born.

1233
00:55:10,393 --> 00:55:11,686
Every time I pissed the bed,

1234
00:55:11,728 --> 00:55:14,230
from then on out,
the entire next day,

1235
00:55:14,272 --> 00:55:17,484
I had to avoid eye contact
with anyone

1236
00:55:17,525 --> 00:55:19,861
or they would be murdered.

1237
00:55:19,903 --> 00:55:21,488
[ Laughter ]

1238
00:55:21,529 --> 00:55:23,323
And depending on what year
we're talking about,

1239
00:55:23,365 --> 00:55:25,533
that was anywhere
from one eight days a week,

1240
00:55:25,575 --> 00:55:27,243
you understand?

1241
00:55:27,285 --> 00:55:31,081
I spent a lot of time alone
looking at the ground back then.

1242
00:55:31,122 --> 00:55:35,168
And yes, I suffer from
obsessive compulsive disorder.

1243
00:55:35,210 --> 00:55:37,879
Obsessive compulsive disorder.

1244
00:55:37,921 --> 00:55:41,883
[ Laughter ]

1245
00:55:45,095 --> 00:55:48,056
A lot of people
are under the impression

1246
00:55:48,098 --> 00:55:50,725
that these past two years
have been like a dream come true

1247
00:55:50,767 --> 00:55:52,185
for those of us with OCD

1248
00:55:52,227 --> 00:55:54,396
because we get to
wash our hands a lot.

1249
00:55:54,437 --> 00:55:55,689
[ Chuckles ]

1250
00:55:55,730 --> 00:55:57,065
Do you think we like
washing our hands?

1251
00:55:57,107 --> 00:55:58,316
Is that what you think?

1252
00:55:58,358 --> 00:55:59,734
Do you think
people like succumbing

1253
00:55:59,776 --> 00:56:00,944
to their mental illness?

1254
00:56:00,985 --> 00:56:02,195
Is that what you think?

1255
00:56:02,237 --> 00:56:03,571
Do you think schizophrenics
are like,

1256
00:56:03,613 --> 00:56:05,198
"Oh, boy, the voices are back!

1257
00:56:05,240 --> 00:56:07,909
Can't wait to hear
what they're up to.

1258
00:56:07,951 --> 00:56:11,371
Can't wait to hear
what they got planned for me."

1259
00:56:11,413 --> 00:56:14,666
I think people project
their weak bullshit

1260
00:56:14,708 --> 00:56:17,711
onto the mentally ill
because they're afraid to admit

1261
00:56:17,752 --> 00:56:19,087
that they're mentally ill
themselves.

1262
00:56:19,129 --> 00:56:20,714
We're all fucking mentally ill.

1263
00:56:20,755 --> 00:56:22,090
That should be the norm.

1264
00:56:22,132 --> 00:56:24,759
There's no such thing
as mentally healthy.

1265
00:56:24,801 --> 00:56:26,761
[ Cheers and applause ]

1266
00:56:26,803 --> 00:56:28,221
Like, seriously.

1267
00:56:28,263 --> 00:56:31,933
We are all mentally
under the weather at best.

1268
00:56:31,975 --> 00:56:33,768
[ Laughter ]

1269
00:56:33,810 --> 00:56:36,938
And that's what makes us
interesting.

1270
00:56:36,980 --> 00:56:40,108
Like, yes, OCD is complex,
very much so.

1271
00:56:40,150 --> 00:56:41,901
Do I wash my hands a lot?

1272
00:56:41,943 --> 00:56:43,236
Of course I do.

1273
00:56:43,278 --> 00:56:44,946
But not for
the reasons you think.

1274
00:56:44,988 --> 00:56:47,157
I don't give a fuck about germs.

1275
00:56:47,198 --> 00:56:50,118
I wish I was afraid of germs.
No.

1276
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:52,245
Do I care about 90-degree angles

1277
00:56:52,287 --> 00:56:53,788
and things being
put away properly?

1278
00:56:53,830 --> 00:56:55,415
Fuck no.

1279
00:56:55,457 --> 00:56:57,625
Do I have to hang up
all the clothes in my closet

1280
00:56:57,667 --> 00:56:59,127
in a color-coordinated fashion?

1281
00:56:59,169 --> 00:57:01,796
I barely even hang them up
half the time.

1282
00:57:01,838 --> 00:57:03,798
Can my food touch?

1283
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:05,759
Obviously.

1284
00:57:05,800 --> 00:57:08,970
Obviously, my food can touch.

1285
00:57:09,012 --> 00:57:11,139
[ Laughter, applause ]

1286
00:57:11,181 --> 00:57:13,475
None of the OCD tropes
apply to me.

1287
00:57:13,516 --> 00:57:15,101
However...

1288
00:57:15,143 --> 00:57:17,103
do I feel like in a past life,

1289
00:57:17,145 --> 00:57:20,648
I borrowed money from God
and never paid God back,

1290
00:57:20,690 --> 00:57:22,609
so in this life, God taxes me

1291
00:57:22,650 --> 00:57:25,278
in the form of daily rituals
I have to perform

1292
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:27,822
and if I don't,
God goes after my loved ones

1293
00:57:27,864 --> 00:57:30,992
like a Mafia boss would?

1294
00:57:31,034 --> 00:57:35,288
Yes, that's what it feels like,

1295
00:57:35,330 --> 00:57:40,001
like there's a God in heaven
talking to his angels

1296
00:57:40,043 --> 00:57:44,297
who are like his fucking capos
and shit, like,

1297
00:57:44,339 --> 00:57:48,301
"Hey, did Sean Patton remember
to microwave absolutely nothing

1298
00:57:48,343 --> 00:57:51,012
for exactly 33 seconds
last night?"

1299
00:57:51,054 --> 00:57:54,849
[ Laughter ]

1300
00:57:54,891 --> 00:57:56,518
"The fuck you mean, no?

1301
00:57:56,559 --> 00:58:00,021
He's got to do that
every Tuesday at 11:59 p.m.

1302
00:58:00,063 --> 00:58:01,523
on the dot.

1303
00:58:01,564 --> 00:58:02,941
He didn't do it?!

1304
00:58:02,982 --> 00:58:04,317
Okay. Okay.

1305
00:58:04,359 --> 00:58:05,819
Well, then,
I guess he don't like having

1306
00:58:05,860 --> 00:58:08,405
a cancer-free family,
then, does he?

1307
00:58:08,446 --> 00:58:10,532
[ Laughter ]

1308
00:58:10,573 --> 00:58:12,826
"Do it! Do it!

1309
00:58:12,867 --> 00:58:15,537
His Uncle Billy, both lungs."

1310
00:58:15,578 --> 00:58:18,581
[ Laughter ]

1311
00:58:18,623 --> 00:58:20,750
[ Light laughter ]

1312
00:58:20,792 --> 00:58:22,919
What, are we all cousins here?

1313
00:58:22,961 --> 00:58:25,213
Guys got real weird on that one.

1314
00:58:25,255 --> 00:58:28,425
"Oh, my God. Is that what
happened to Uncle Billy?"

1315
00:58:28,466 --> 00:58:30,343
[ Laughter ]

1316
00:58:30,385 --> 00:58:32,053
"I thought it was
the 30-some odd years

1317
00:58:32,095 --> 00:58:35,515
of unfiltered Lucky Strikes."

1318
00:58:35,557 --> 00:58:37,726
It was.

1319
00:58:37,767 --> 00:58:39,686
That was the message.

1320
00:58:39,728 --> 00:58:43,857
So sometimes, God works
in very obvious ways.

1321
00:58:43,898 --> 00:58:47,235
Like, this is why I have a beef
with superstitious people,

1322
00:58:47,277 --> 00:58:49,362
because you know
those aren't real.

1323
00:58:49,404 --> 00:58:53,700
You know those are OCD light
at best, diet OCD.

1324
00:58:53,742 --> 00:58:55,243
[ Light laughter ]

1325
00:58:55,285 --> 00:58:57,912
I mean, superstitions
were definitely started

1326
00:58:57,954 --> 00:58:59,205
by someone with OCD.

1327
00:58:59,247 --> 00:59:02,000
That's a fact. That's a fact.

1328
00:59:02,042 --> 00:59:05,712
There's -- There's a dialect
of Spanish -- Castilian, right?

1329
00:59:05,754 --> 00:59:07,922
Where they make a sound
that sounds like a lisp,

1330
00:59:07,964 --> 00:59:09,382
but do you know
where that came from?

1331
00:59:09,424 --> 00:59:11,384
It was Spanish king
hundreds of years ago

1332
00:59:11,426 --> 00:59:14,012
who himself had a lisp
and was so insecure about it

1333
00:59:14,054 --> 00:59:16,556
that he made it
the highborn way to speak

1334
00:59:16,598 --> 00:59:19,267
and the entire country
followed suit,

1335
00:59:19,309 --> 00:59:23,104
and now it's built
into the enunciation.

1336
00:59:23,146 --> 00:59:25,607
[ Lisping ]
Or so that be the scuttlebutt.

1337
00:59:25,648 --> 00:59:30,111
[ Laughter ]

1338
00:59:30,153 --> 00:59:32,405
[ Normal voice ]
Now, the same thing happened

1339
00:59:32,447 --> 00:59:34,449
with superstitions,
I guarantee it.

1340
00:59:34,491 --> 00:59:37,410
There was a powerful king
who himself had OCD

1341
00:59:37,452 --> 00:59:39,579
and was -- wanted everyone
to have to deal with

1342
00:59:39,621 --> 00:59:42,123
the shit he dealt with,
so one day was like,

1343
00:59:42,165 --> 00:59:45,960
"It is my decree
that if thy see a tabby cat

1344
00:59:46,002 --> 00:59:48,672
in thy path,
one must turn the other way

1345
00:59:48,713 --> 00:59:51,508
and walk away
or face tidings of ill-doing.

1346
00:59:51,549 --> 00:59:54,094
Make it law!"

1347
00:59:54,135 --> 00:59:55,804
"Your Majesty,
we can never enforce

1348
00:59:55,845 --> 00:59:58,139
such -- such a ridiculous law."

1349
00:59:58,181 --> 00:59:59,933
"Off with your head!

1350
00:59:59,974 --> 01:00:03,645
Do it in one stroke or three,
but neither two nor four."

1351
01:00:03,687 --> 01:00:07,190
[ Laughter ]

1352
01:00:10,026 --> 01:00:12,612
And thus,
superstitions were born.

1353
01:00:12,654 --> 01:00:14,447
They don't have
any stakes involved.

1354
01:00:14,489 --> 01:00:17,158
Superstitions are about
avoiding bad luck,

1355
01:00:17,200 --> 01:00:18,785
saving yourself,
something you can't do.

1356
01:00:18,827 --> 01:00:20,995
Like, we can contrast
and compare all day.

1357
01:00:21,037 --> 01:00:22,288
If you're superstitious,

1358
01:00:22,330 --> 01:00:23,456
you wouldn't want
to walk under a ladder

1359
01:00:23,498 --> 01:00:25,000
'cause that'll bring you
bad luck.

1360
01:00:25,041 --> 01:00:27,002
What does that even mean?
That's life.

1361
01:00:27,043 --> 01:00:28,461
And what are you so afraid
of bad luck for?

1362
01:00:28,503 --> 01:00:30,171
Bad luck brought us the blues.

1363
01:00:30,213 --> 01:00:32,841
Everybody loves
the fucking blues.

1364
01:00:32,882 --> 01:00:35,176
[ Cheers and applause ]

1365
01:00:35,218 --> 01:00:36,553
Growing up with OCD,

1366
01:00:36,594 --> 01:00:40,473
every time I made a sandwich,
which was a lot,

1367
01:00:40,515 --> 01:00:44,352
I had to kiss all four corners
before I bit into it

1368
01:00:44,394 --> 01:00:46,187
so that my grandfather
would never die

1369
01:00:46,229 --> 01:00:48,690
in a boating accident,
you understand?

1370
01:00:48,732 --> 01:00:51,568
[ Laughter ]

1371
01:00:51,609 --> 01:00:53,486
And it worked.

1372
01:00:53,528 --> 01:00:55,030
[ Laughter ]

1373
01:00:55,071 --> 01:00:56,656
He's been dead
for a quarter century,

1374
01:00:56,698 --> 01:00:59,200
but it happened
on dry fucking land.

1375
01:00:59,242 --> 01:01:00,869
[ Laughter ]

1376
01:01:00,910 --> 01:01:02,245
If you're superstitious,

1377
01:01:02,287 --> 01:01:03,705
you wouldn't want
to break a mirror

1378
01:01:03,747 --> 01:01:05,874
'cause that'll bring you
seven years of bad luck.

1379
01:01:05,915 --> 01:01:07,375
Seven years of bad luck?

1380
01:01:07,417 --> 01:01:09,502
That sounds like the premise
of a CBS sitcom

1381
01:01:09,544 --> 01:01:11,713
that's only gonna last
two seasons anyway,

1382
01:01:11,755 --> 01:01:13,506
so what are you afraid of?

1383
01:01:13,548 --> 01:01:15,675
As a teenager, every Wednesday,

1384
01:01:15,717 --> 01:01:19,387
I had to wear my shoes
on the opposite feet

1385
01:01:19,429 --> 01:01:22,515
until someone noticed,
and then when they noticed,

1386
01:01:22,557 --> 01:01:27,395
I would then have to
pretend like I just noticed

1387
01:01:27,437 --> 01:01:29,606
because that was the only thing

1388
01:01:29,647 --> 01:01:33,735
that stopped the HIV virus
from going airborne, okay?

1389
01:01:33,777 --> 01:01:35,737
[ Laughter ]

1390
01:01:35,779 --> 01:01:37,530
You're welcome.

1391
01:01:37,572 --> 01:01:39,699
I'm sorry COVID
slipped through the cracks,

1392
01:01:39,741 --> 01:01:42,077
but that clearly
wasn't my assignment.

1393
01:01:42,118 --> 01:01:43,411
It was airborne already.

1394
01:01:43,453 --> 01:01:46,247
I was focused
on blood-based virus.

1395
01:01:46,289 --> 01:01:49,626
[ Laughter ]

1396
01:01:49,668 --> 01:01:50,919
Do you see?

1397
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:53,380
OCD is about saving lives!

1398
01:01:53,421 --> 01:01:55,048
[ Light laughter ]

1399
01:01:55,090 --> 01:01:59,219
But there is one superstition
I respect, and only one, okay?

1400
01:01:59,260 --> 01:02:02,472
Step on a crack,
break your mother's back.

1401
01:02:02,514 --> 01:02:05,100
That one is proof
that life is pure chaos.

1402
01:02:05,141 --> 01:02:06,851
You never know.

1403
01:02:06,893 --> 01:02:08,687
You're walking down the street
one day, like you do every day.

1404
01:02:08,728 --> 01:02:10,438
You step on a crack,
not even thinking about it,

1405
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:12,732
but in that crack
was a little baby cockroach

1406
01:02:12,774 --> 01:02:15,568
that went scurrying down
the block, passed the child.

1407
01:02:15,610 --> 01:02:17,737
That child saw it
and screamed loud enough

1408
01:02:17,779 --> 01:02:20,573
to distract a cyclist,
who blew through a traffic light

1409
01:02:20,615 --> 01:02:22,283
and got plowed by a dump truck,

1410
01:02:22,325 --> 01:02:24,744
and then that dump truck
got plowed by a cement truck.

1411
01:02:24,786 --> 01:02:27,455
And then that cement truck,
dump truck bike rider

1412
01:02:27,497 --> 01:02:29,124
got plowed by a postal van.

1413
01:02:29,165 --> 01:02:32,585
Now you've got the largest
all-municipal-vehicle accident

1414
01:02:32,627 --> 01:02:35,130
since Jacksonville '76, right?

1415
01:02:35,171 --> 01:02:37,298
This causes a traffic jam,
hours.

1416
01:02:37,340 --> 01:02:38,925
Cars are just
sitting there idling,

1417
01:02:38,967 --> 01:02:42,262
their engines pumping
more and more carbon dioxide

1418
01:02:42,303 --> 01:02:43,596
into the atmosphere,

1419
01:02:43,638 --> 01:02:45,306
strengthening the effects
of climate change,

1420
01:02:45,348 --> 01:02:47,767
yielding
more and more psychotic,

1421
01:02:47,809 --> 01:02:51,312
unpredictable weather patterns
like a late-season nor'easter

1422
01:02:51,354 --> 01:02:54,482
that unleashes
a 50-mile-an-hour gale of wind

1423
01:02:54,524 --> 01:02:57,610
with no conscience that
crosses paths with your mother

1424
01:02:57,652 --> 01:03:00,321
while she's doing
some roofing repairs.

1425
01:03:00,363 --> 01:03:03,783
[ Laughter ]

1426
01:03:03,825 --> 01:03:07,328
[ Applause ]

1427
01:03:12,375 --> 01:03:14,794
She'd never see it coming.

1428
01:03:14,836 --> 01:03:16,004
[ Laughter ]

1429
01:03:16,046 --> 01:03:18,340
'Cause it's wind.

1430
01:03:18,381 --> 01:03:20,508
[ Laughter ]

1431
01:03:20,550 --> 01:03:23,803
But her spine shatters
in three places upon impact

1432
01:03:23,845 --> 01:03:25,513
right there
in the damn driveway.

1433
01:03:25,555 --> 01:03:28,600
You broke your mother's back.

1434
01:03:28,641 --> 01:03:33,897
Poetically enough,
her name was probably also Gail.

1435
01:03:33,938 --> 01:03:35,148
Chaos!

1436
01:03:35,190 --> 01:03:37,650
Now, listen,
I didn't invite you out

1437
01:03:37,692 --> 01:03:40,862
to frighten you,
and I can tell I've done that.

1438
01:03:40,904 --> 01:03:42,655
So hear my words.

1439
01:03:42,697 --> 01:03:45,992
There are others like me,
and we're out there

1440
01:03:46,034 --> 01:03:49,829
doing what we can to
protect us all, you understand?

1441
01:03:49,871 --> 01:03:52,832
I'm a grown man,
and still to this day,

1442
01:03:52,874 --> 01:03:57,712
I have to touch my asshole
twice a day, every day,

1443
01:03:57,754 --> 01:04:01,591
independent asshole touchings
not while showering

1444
01:04:01,633 --> 01:04:03,093
and not while toileteering.

1445
01:04:03,134 --> 01:04:05,553
Those don't count.

1446
01:04:05,595 --> 01:04:07,389
Independent asshole touching.

1447
01:04:07,430 --> 01:04:10,558
It's quick and clean --
hand in the pants,

1448
01:04:10,600 --> 01:04:13,395
pop right on the button,
get it right out of there.

1449
01:04:13,436 --> 01:04:15,021
You'd never know
I was doing it.

1450
01:04:15,063 --> 01:04:16,648
You would never know.

1451
01:04:16,690 --> 01:04:18,858
I would demonstrate for you,

1452
01:04:18,900 --> 01:04:20,652
but I've already
done it twice today.

1453
01:04:20,694 --> 01:04:24,239
I have no clue what happens
if I go for it a third time.

1454
01:04:24,280 --> 01:04:25,907
[ Applause ]

1455
01:04:25,949 --> 01:04:28,076
I don't want to risk it.

1456
01:04:28,118 --> 01:04:30,412
[ Laughter ]

1457
01:04:30,453 --> 01:04:31,871
And I know --
I know the question

1458
01:04:31,913 --> 01:04:34,082
that's now burning
in your minds, "Why?

1459
01:04:34,124 --> 01:04:35,542
Sean, why?

1460
01:04:35,583 --> 01:04:38,044
Why must you touch your asshole
twice a day

1461
01:04:38,086 --> 01:04:41,881
and not while showering
nor toileteering, why?"

1462
01:04:41,923 --> 01:04:43,258
[ Light laughter ]

1463
01:04:43,299 --> 01:04:45,427
Well, that's a very
good question,

1464
01:04:45,468 --> 01:04:47,637
but it's the wrong question.

1465
01:04:47,679 --> 01:04:49,889
The right question would be,

1466
01:04:49,931 --> 01:04:52,475
"Sean, why hasn't there been
a successful

1467
01:04:52,517 --> 01:04:55,437
presidential assassination
in your lifetime?"

1468
01:04:55,478 --> 01:04:58,898
[ Laughter ]

1469
01:04:58,940 --> 01:05:02,777
[ Cheers and applause ]

1470
01:05:02,819 --> 01:05:07,282
Well, if you look at
the word "assassination"...

1471
01:05:07,323 --> 01:05:09,617
[ Laughter ]

1472
01:05:09,659 --> 01:05:12,620
Go ahead. Spell it out.

1473
01:05:12,662 --> 01:05:17,292
A-S-S-A-S-S-I-N-A-T-I-O-N.

1474
01:05:17,334 --> 01:05:20,462
Now apply an OCD lens to that,

1475
01:05:20,503 --> 01:05:22,297
it breaks it up
into four words --

1476
01:05:22,339 --> 01:05:24,924
"ass," "ass," "I," "nation."

1477
01:05:24,966 --> 01:05:25,967
I nation.

1478
01:05:26,009 --> 01:05:27,427
That's how a leader
should think.

1479
01:05:27,469 --> 01:05:29,304
"I am responsible for nation.

1480
01:05:29,346 --> 01:05:30,847
I serve nation."

1481
01:05:30,889 --> 01:05:32,307
But I'm no leader,

1482
01:05:32,349 --> 01:05:33,808
so there's nothing
I can do about that.

1483
01:05:33,850 --> 01:05:38,146
However, "ass ass,"
got that covered all day.

1484
01:05:38,188 --> 01:05:40,065
I can serve my ass ass.

1485
01:05:40,106 --> 01:05:42,317
I can be responsible for that,

1486
01:05:42,359 --> 01:05:44,861
so as long
as I touch my ass ass,

1487
01:05:44,903 --> 01:05:49,449
the leader can continue
serving the nation.

1488
01:05:49,491 --> 01:05:51,493
Do you see?

1489
01:05:51,534 --> 01:05:55,121
[ Cheers and applause ]

1490
01:05:55,163 --> 01:05:59,668
As I said before,
I wash my hands a lot, too,

1491
01:05:59,709 --> 01:06:01,670
but it has nothing to do
with germs

1492
01:06:01,711 --> 01:06:05,173
and everything to do
with national fucking security.

1493
01:06:14,974 --> 01:06:16,142
Oh, yeah, weed!
That's why I can't smoke weed.

1494
01:06:17,310 --> 01:06:18,478
[ Laughter ]

1495
01:06:18,520 --> 01:06:21,147
I got sidetracked there.

1496
01:06:21,189 --> 01:06:23,608
I got sidetracked there.

1497
01:06:23,650 --> 01:06:25,777
[ Laughter ]

1498
01:06:25,819 --> 01:06:28,613
I want to smoke weed.
I keep fucking trying.

1499
01:06:28,655 --> 01:06:31,116
Weed is like steroids
for intrusive thought,

1500
01:06:31,157 --> 01:06:32,617
you understand?

1501
01:06:32,659 --> 01:06:33,910
The right amount and
the right supervision is fine,

1502
01:06:33,952 --> 01:06:35,203
but what's the right amount

1503
01:06:35,245 --> 01:06:37,455
and what's the right
supervision, okay?

1504
01:06:37,497 --> 01:06:41,292
Nobody I know personally.
That's a fact.

1505
01:06:41,334 --> 01:06:42,752
I'll take it. I'll smoke one.

1506
01:06:42,794 --> 01:06:44,379
I'll smoke weed sometimes
and my thoughts are great.

1507
01:06:44,421 --> 01:06:48,049
They're intrusive, but they
knock, at least, you understand?

1508
01:06:48,091 --> 01:06:49,509
There I am, just like,

1509
01:06:49,551 --> 01:06:51,636
"Hey, man, just because
I enjoy performing cunnilingus

1510
01:06:51,678 --> 01:06:54,097
does not mean
I have cannibalism in my DNA.

1511
01:06:54,139 --> 01:06:55,974
No way, man.
That's just a metaphor, right?

1512
01:06:56,016 --> 01:06:57,017
Eating pussy?

1513
01:06:57,058 --> 01:06:58,810
You're not literally
devouring labia.

1514
01:06:58,852 --> 01:07:01,646
That's just a metaphor.
I love metaphors.

1515
01:07:01,688 --> 01:07:03,106
Who doesn't love metaphors?

1516
01:07:03,148 --> 01:07:04,315
Metaphors are fantastic.

1517
01:07:04,357 --> 01:07:06,276
One time I met a four,
and they were great.

1518
01:07:06,317 --> 01:07:07,610
She was cool as shit.

1519
01:07:07,652 --> 01:07:08,778
Damn right she was.
I'm probably a four.

1520
01:07:08,820 --> 01:07:10,280
I should have said,

1521
01:07:10,321 --> 01:07:12,490
'Hey, fellow four,
together we can make an eight.'

1522
01:07:12,532 --> 01:07:14,659
Oh, that's sexy.
I'm glad I'm a Scorpio.

1523
01:07:14,701 --> 01:07:16,286
Wow, look at this cat.

1524
01:07:16,327 --> 01:07:18,496
I want to pet this cat,
but what if it scratches me?

1525
01:07:18,538 --> 01:07:19,873
I've been through worse.

1526
01:07:19,914 --> 01:07:21,124
I got to live my life.
I got to live.

1527
01:07:21,166 --> 01:07:22,625
Fuck it, let's do it.
Here we are.

1528
01:07:22,667 --> 01:07:23,960
Listen to this cat purr.

1529
01:07:24,002 --> 01:07:26,713
It's awesome.
Sounds like it's beatboxing.

1530
01:07:26,755 --> 01:07:28,298
I should drop some rhymes,
be a cat rapper.

1531
01:07:28,340 --> 01:07:29,466
Hell, yeah.

1532
01:07:29,507 --> 01:07:31,509
This the only pussy
I'll ever need."

1533
01:07:31,551 --> 01:07:33,678
Fun thoughts.

1534
01:07:33,720 --> 01:07:37,307
[ Laughter ]

1535
01:07:37,349 --> 01:07:41,853
However, then comes the moment
when I look up

1536
01:07:41,895 --> 01:07:44,356
and see a stranger
across the street

1537
01:07:44,397 --> 01:07:46,316
that resembles Jeffrey Dahmer.

1538
01:07:46,358 --> 01:07:47,817
[ Laughter ]

1539
01:07:47,859 --> 01:07:50,987
And that's all it takes,
the reminder that evil exists,

1540
01:07:51,029 --> 01:07:52,739
and my thoughts go dark, like,

1541
01:07:52,781 --> 01:07:54,491
"I hope I don't put this cat
in the microwave.

1542
01:07:54,532 --> 01:07:57,160
But what if I'm a serial killer?
Why would I be a serial killer?

1543
01:07:57,202 --> 01:07:59,371
I mean, I guess I did
piss my bed 'til I was 31.

1544
01:07:59,412 --> 01:08:01,706
Jesus, I hope I don't
throw my brother out the window.

1545
01:08:01,748 --> 01:08:03,541
But what if I show my dick
to my dad?

1546
01:08:03,583 --> 01:08:05,293
Why would I show my dad my dick?

1547
01:08:05,335 --> 01:08:07,545
Because I'm gonna be the first
son to molest his father.

1548
01:08:07,587 --> 01:08:09,005
Oh, my God, I hope not.

1549
01:08:09,047 --> 01:08:11,675
I know I'm gonna see
Grandma tomorrow.

1550
01:08:11,716 --> 01:08:13,218
I sure hope
I don't grab her tits.

1551
01:08:13,259 --> 01:08:14,719
But what if I grab her tits?

1552
01:08:14,761 --> 01:08:16,429
But I would never grab her tits.

1553
01:08:16,471 --> 01:08:19,557
But maybe I will, right there at
the wake in front of everyone,

1554
01:08:19,599 --> 01:08:21,726
just grab her big old,
dead titties,

1555
01:08:21,768 --> 01:08:23,853
and everyone will just
assume I'm grieving.

1556
01:08:23,895 --> 01:08:25,563
Like, 'That boy
sure loves his Meemaw.'

1557
01:08:25,605 --> 01:08:27,857
But I would never
grab Meemaw's tits!

1558
01:08:27,899 --> 01:08:30,193
Maybe that's why she died.
I didn't love her enough."

1559
01:08:30,235 --> 01:08:34,572
But all this would
look like to you is this.

1560
01:08:34,614 --> 01:08:37,867
[ Laughter ]

1561
01:08:55,719 --> 01:08:56,720
I almost stopped
touching my asshole once.

1562
01:08:59,556 --> 01:09:00,849
[ Laughter ]

1563
01:09:00,890 --> 01:09:07,856
Once and only once
on September 2, 2005.

1564
01:09:07,897 --> 01:09:10,400
Now,
if you grew up in this area,

1565
01:09:10,442 --> 01:09:12,694
in the Gulf coastal region,

1566
01:09:12,736 --> 01:09:15,155
I probably shouldn't
have to remind you

1567
01:09:15,196 --> 01:09:19,451
what happened four days
before that, on August 29, 2005.

1568
01:09:20,910 --> 01:09:23,872
Yeah, Michael Jackson's
57th birthday?

1569
01:09:23,913 --> 01:09:25,540
[ Laughter ]

1570
01:09:25,582 --> 01:09:27,667
You were there?! I know.

1571
01:09:27,709 --> 01:09:29,169
We missed that

1572
01:09:29,210 --> 01:09:33,840
'cause we were busy evacuating
from a fucking storm.

1573
01:09:33,882 --> 01:09:35,175
Hurricane Katrina
makes landfall.

1574
01:09:35,216 --> 01:09:39,554
Now, I don't really remember
that morning

1575
01:09:39,596 --> 01:09:41,681
because I woke up
in the afternoon.

1576
01:09:41,723 --> 01:09:44,184
[ Laughter ]

1577
01:09:44,225 --> 01:09:47,062
I woke up because my phone
had been ringing nonstop.

1578
01:09:47,103 --> 01:09:49,814
At that point, I had
eight missed calls from my dad.

1579
01:09:49,856 --> 01:09:52,233
Now, my dad
is a small-business owner.

1580
01:09:52,275 --> 01:09:54,235
All my life,
I've only ever heard him

1581
01:09:54,277 --> 01:09:58,198
answer the phone one way
and one way only -- like this.

1582
01:09:58,239 --> 01:09:59,407
"This is Tim."

1583
01:09:59,449 --> 01:10:01,743
Every time, everywhere.

1584
01:10:01,785 --> 01:10:03,536
Obviously in the office,
but also at home.

1585
01:10:03,578 --> 01:10:04,913
"This is Tim."

1586
01:10:04,954 --> 01:10:06,206
At a relative's house,
the phone's ringing.

1587
01:10:06,247 --> 01:10:08,208
He's like,
"I'll get it. This is Tim."

1588
01:10:08,249 --> 01:10:10,210
We could walk past
a payphone ringing.

1589
01:10:10,251 --> 01:10:12,921
He'd be like,
"Excuse me. This is Tim."

1590
01:10:12,962 --> 01:10:14,923
[ Laughter ]

1591
01:10:14,964 --> 01:10:16,132
His name was Tim.

1592
01:10:16,174 --> 01:10:18,385
I mean, it's not --
it's not a joke.

1593
01:10:18,426 --> 01:10:21,054
It's not like his name's Gary,
and it's just a prank

1594
01:10:21,096 --> 01:10:23,890
he's been playing for 30 years
on strangers,

1595
01:10:23,932 --> 01:10:26,434
like, "This is Tim."

1596
01:10:26,476 --> 01:10:29,062
[ Laughter ]

1597
01:10:29,104 --> 01:10:31,356
"They think I'm Tim!
It's hilarious.

1598
01:10:31,398 --> 01:10:33,733
Yeah, this is still Tim.

1599
01:10:33,775 --> 01:10:36,444
What a bunch of doofuses."

1600
01:10:36,486 --> 01:10:37,779
[ Laughter ]

1601
01:10:37,821 --> 01:10:39,239
And he never looked
at caller ID.

1602
01:10:39,280 --> 01:10:40,573
It's something I always noticed.

1603
01:10:40,615 --> 01:10:42,951
When he got a cellphone,
he would just answer.

1604
01:10:42,992 --> 01:10:44,953
And knowing my dad,
he had a whole system worked out

1605
01:10:44,994 --> 01:10:47,080
as to why he would never
look at caller ID.

1606
01:10:47,122 --> 01:10:49,040
Like, "Listen, every time
you look at caller ID,

1607
01:10:49,082 --> 01:10:50,625
that's three seconds wasted.

1608
01:10:50,667 --> 01:10:53,586
Add that up over a full day,
that's a whole minute gone.

1609
01:10:53,628 --> 01:10:56,423
Now add that up over a year.
That's eight hours gone.

1610
01:10:56,464 --> 01:10:59,259
That's a whole day wasted
checking caller ID.

1611
01:10:59,300 --> 01:11:01,469
I ain't got a whole day to waste
checking caller ID, son.

1612
01:11:01,511 --> 01:11:02,804
I got a business to run.

1613
01:11:02,846 --> 01:11:05,348
Excuse me. This is Tim."

1614
01:11:05,390 --> 01:11:08,435
[ Laughter ]

1615
01:11:08,476 --> 01:11:13,356
So he calls again, and I would
often answer and go,

1616
01:11:13,398 --> 01:11:14,441
"This is Sean."

1617
01:11:14,482 --> 01:11:16,484
But I didn't
even get to that point.

1618
01:11:16,526 --> 01:11:17,819
The moment I answered the phone,

1619
01:11:17,861 --> 01:11:20,155
he goes,
"Where the fuck are you?"

1620
01:11:20,196 --> 01:11:22,157
He was with
my two youngest siblings,

1621
01:11:22,198 --> 01:11:25,952
heading to my other sister's
house in Baton Rouge, right?

1622
01:11:25,994 --> 01:11:29,622
Which was strange to me because
my dad -- we never evacuated.

1623
01:11:29,664 --> 01:11:32,083
My dad had been through
every single hurricane

1624
01:11:32,125 --> 01:11:34,169
that hit this area since 1952.

1625
01:11:34,210 --> 01:11:35,628
The murderer's row, all of them.

1626
01:11:35,670 --> 01:11:38,840
Camille, Betsy, Andrew --
He'd been through --

1627
01:11:38,882 --> 01:11:40,633
And, like,
we were oftentimes there --

1628
01:11:40,675 --> 01:11:44,679
Like, we never evacuated, man,
ever, right?

1629
01:11:44,721 --> 01:11:46,639
I mean, hurricanes can be fun.

1630
01:11:46,681 --> 01:11:48,183
It's a Category 3 or less,

1631
01:11:48,224 --> 01:11:50,477
you know, you get
all your snacks in there,

1632
01:11:50,518 --> 01:11:52,979
all your -- you know, if you're
an adult, you get some booze.

1633
01:11:53,021 --> 01:11:54,189
If you're a child around here,

1634
01:11:54,230 --> 01:11:56,316
you get some booze, as well,
you know?

1635
01:11:56,358 --> 01:11:57,567
[ Laughter ]

1636
01:11:57,609 --> 01:12:01,446
The power goes out,
the rain's coming down,

1637
01:12:01,488 --> 01:12:02,739
the wind, the lightning.

1638
01:12:02,781 --> 01:12:04,032
You go out in the middle of it
with your sister,

1639
01:12:04,074 --> 01:12:06,076
pretend like
you're in a Creed video.

1640
01:12:06,117 --> 01:12:08,203
It's a great time.

1641
01:12:08,244 --> 01:12:11,706
[ Cheers and applause ]

1642
01:12:11,748 --> 01:12:14,167
We never left,

1643
01:12:14,209 --> 01:12:17,629
but something about Katrina
terrified him.

1644
01:12:17,671 --> 01:12:18,922
He was out.

1645
01:12:18,963 --> 01:12:21,049
He says to me,
"Get the fuck up now.

1646
01:12:21,091 --> 01:12:22,676
Pack up anything you care about.

1647
01:12:22,717 --> 01:12:26,554
Get to the hospital,
get your mom, get to Erin's."

1648
01:12:26,596 --> 01:12:27,764
My mom was an RN, right?

1649
01:12:27,806 --> 01:12:29,557
She was at work.

1650
01:12:29,599 --> 01:12:31,851
So how did I respond?

1651
01:12:31,893 --> 01:12:34,062
I went back to sleep.

1652
01:12:34,104 --> 01:12:36,856
[ Laughter ]

1653
01:12:36,898 --> 01:12:40,527
I got to the hospital an hour
later than I was supposed to,

1654
01:12:40,568 --> 01:12:44,114
and at that point,
they were begging her to stay.

1655
01:12:44,155 --> 01:12:45,407
They had let too many people
go already.

1656
01:12:45,448 --> 01:12:48,243
They were
begging my mom to stay.

1657
01:12:48,284 --> 01:12:49,786
She had every right to leave.

1658
01:12:49,828 --> 01:12:52,497
The supervisor's there
with tears in his eyes,

1659
01:12:52,539 --> 01:12:53,623
and she said yes.

1660
01:12:53,665 --> 01:12:56,501
She chose to stay
to do her fucking job.

1661
01:12:56,543 --> 01:12:58,086
"Get the fuck out of here,"
to me.

1662
01:12:58,128 --> 01:13:00,547
"Go. Go now. You got to go."

1663
01:13:00,588 --> 01:13:03,466
I didn't even try.
I was like, "Okay."

1664
01:13:03,508 --> 01:13:05,093
[ Laughter ]

1665
01:13:05,135 --> 01:13:07,762
By the time I got
to Baton Rouge, right,

1666
01:13:07,804 --> 01:13:09,472
my dad was asleep
when I walked in,

1667
01:13:09,514 --> 01:13:11,266
exhausted from getting
everybody out of there.

1668
01:13:11,307 --> 01:13:13,768
I woke him up and expected him
to bite my head off

1669
01:13:13,810 --> 01:13:15,103
and spit it back down my neck.

1670
01:13:15,145 --> 01:13:17,188
Clearly, my mom had called him

1671
01:13:17,230 --> 01:13:18,732
and told him
that I was an hour late

1672
01:13:18,773 --> 01:13:21,401
and she couldn't leave
because of me, but she didn't.

1673
01:13:21,443 --> 01:13:24,571
She was not a snitch,
and he hadn't heard from her

1674
01:13:24,612 --> 01:13:29,159
since before...I had,
since way earlier that day.

1675
01:13:29,200 --> 01:13:31,119
So I lied to him.

1676
01:13:31,161 --> 01:13:33,288
I lied and said
they wouldn't let her go.

1677
01:13:33,329 --> 01:13:34,956
I lied and said, "I tried.

1678
01:13:34,998 --> 01:13:37,125
I tried to get her out of there,

1679
01:13:37,167 --> 01:13:40,253
and they wouldn't let her go,
the bastards."

1680
01:13:40,295 --> 01:13:42,297
And my dad did what my dad do.

1681
01:13:42,339 --> 01:13:45,342
My -- My dad did what my dad do.

1682
01:13:45,383 --> 01:13:47,594
You know?

1683
01:13:47,635 --> 01:13:50,138
That alligator tongue
coming out.

1684
01:13:50,180 --> 01:13:52,140
[ Laughter, applause ]

1685
01:13:52,182 --> 01:13:54,142
My dad did what my dad does.

1686
01:13:54,184 --> 01:13:56,561
My dad put
his best foot forward.

1687
01:13:56,603 --> 01:13:58,605
That's something he taught me
from the get-go.

1688
01:13:58,646 --> 01:13:59,981
Always put
your best foot forward.

1689
01:14:00,023 --> 01:14:02,359
You have no clue
what everybody else

1690
01:14:02,400 --> 01:14:03,985
in that situation
is going through.

1691
01:14:04,027 --> 01:14:06,988
You got to be better
than even you are.

1692
01:14:07,030 --> 01:14:08,490
And he did that in that moment.

1693
01:14:08,531 --> 01:14:09,574
His response was,

1694
01:14:09,616 --> 01:14:11,159
"Ah, don't worry
about your mama, boy.

1695
01:14:11,201 --> 01:14:13,828
She's meaner
than any damn hurricane.

1696
01:14:13,870 --> 01:14:15,330
[ Laughter ]

1697
01:14:15,372 --> 01:14:17,999
"Plus, I could just go live
with my other wife."

1698
01:14:18,041 --> 01:14:21,002
[ Cheers and applause ]

1699
01:14:21,044 --> 01:14:23,338
He was being strong...

1700
01:14:23,380 --> 01:14:26,174
in case the rest of us
were about to be weak, right?

1701
01:14:26,216 --> 01:14:28,301
Storm hits -- Storm hits.

1702
01:14:28,343 --> 01:14:31,513
A day or two goes by, every day,
"She'll call,"

1703
01:14:31,554 --> 01:14:33,640
and you remember
the media back then,

1704
01:14:33,682 --> 01:14:37,477
they weren't exactly
checking their facts, alright?

1705
01:14:37,519 --> 01:14:39,813
"Oh, the -- the prisoners of
Orleans Parish Prison

1706
01:14:39,854 --> 01:14:43,191
have escaped and gotten custody
of a nuclear warhead!"

1707
01:14:43,233 --> 01:14:45,485
Like, "Custody of
a nuclear warhead?"

1708
01:14:45,527 --> 01:14:47,404
The fuck --
is anybody fact-checking

1709
01:14:47,445 --> 01:14:50,198
or grammar-checking
these assholes?"

1710
01:14:50,240 --> 01:14:52,158
They were just putting
everything out there.

1711
01:14:52,200 --> 01:14:54,869
"The city is overrun
by mer-people!"

1712
01:14:54,911 --> 01:14:57,205
[ Laughter ]

1713
01:14:57,247 --> 01:14:59,040
It's fucking insane.

1714
01:14:59,082 --> 01:15:01,042
"There's a kraken!"

1715
01:15:01,084 --> 01:15:02,502
[ Laughter ]

1716
01:15:02,544 --> 01:15:04,671
That's why people,
those of us from this area,

1717
01:15:04,713 --> 01:15:06,172
are not --
we're not very shocked

1718
01:15:06,214 --> 01:15:07,841
at what the media has become

1719
01:15:07,882 --> 01:15:10,719
because, like, "Oh, the media
is full of shit all the time?

1720
01:15:10,760 --> 01:15:13,221
No duh. Gotcha."

1721
01:15:13,263 --> 01:15:14,681
[ Laughter ]

1722
01:15:14,723 --> 01:15:17,934
The national media, I mean,
but like...

1723
01:15:17,976 --> 01:15:20,603
Every day was just going by.
"She'll call. She'll call."

1724
01:15:20,645 --> 01:15:21,896
Not a goddamn word.

1725
01:15:21,938 --> 01:15:25,066
And I remember it was like
2:00 in the morning.

1726
01:15:25,108 --> 01:15:26,693
I'm stepping outside
to have a cigarette,

1727
01:15:26,735 --> 01:15:29,154
and my dad's just wide awake,
staring at the TV,

1728
01:15:29,195 --> 01:15:31,031
and I,
just to make conversation, go,

1729
01:15:31,072 --> 01:15:32,365
"What you watching?"

1730
01:15:32,407 --> 01:15:35,326
And his response was,
"She'll call."

1731
01:15:35,368 --> 01:15:39,039
Now, that moment, I started
thinking about my mom,

1732
01:15:39,080 --> 01:15:42,375
and I hadn't thought about her
in days at that point, right?

1733
01:15:42,417 --> 01:15:43,877
And the first thing I remember,

1734
01:15:43,918 --> 01:15:47,088
the first thing I think about,
was the time...

1735
01:15:47,130 --> 01:15:49,466
she punched me in the jaw.

1736
01:15:49,507 --> 01:15:52,344
I know, that's a -- that's a --

1737
01:15:52,385 --> 01:15:54,095
that opens up
an entire new conversation.

1738
01:15:54,137 --> 01:15:57,098
Like, should you hit your kids?

1739
01:15:57,140 --> 01:16:00,810
All depends on
your definition of "kid."

1740
01:16:00,852 --> 01:16:03,521
I was 21 when it happened.

1741
01:16:03,563 --> 01:16:05,273
[ Laughter ]

1742
01:16:05,315 --> 01:16:07,484
Her and I were in
an argument that day,

1743
01:16:07,525 --> 01:16:08,735
and we were always
in an argument.

1744
01:16:08,777 --> 01:16:10,945
My mom and I argued
non-fucking-stop,

1745
01:16:10,987 --> 01:16:12,906
but on that day, I went too far.

1746
01:16:12,947 --> 01:16:14,949
I said things
that couldn't be taken back,

1747
01:16:14,991 --> 01:16:16,368
and she made a mom threat.

1748
01:16:16,409 --> 01:16:17,827
Mom threats are obvious.

1749
01:16:17,869 --> 01:16:20,580
"Boy, do not raise your voice
at me again!"

1750
01:16:20,622 --> 01:16:24,459
That's when you're supposed to
back down, walk away...

1751
01:16:24,501 --> 01:16:28,129
get about a couch and a half's
distance between you,

1752
01:16:28,171 --> 01:16:30,882
and then you go, "Bitch," and...

1753
01:16:30,924 --> 01:16:32,592
[ Laughter ]

1754
01:16:32,634 --> 01:16:36,304
...if she hears you, you've got
a couch and a half head start.

1755
01:16:36,346 --> 01:16:37,972
[ Laughter ]

1756
01:16:38,014 --> 01:16:40,141
Moms ain't that fast...

1757
01:16:40,183 --> 01:16:42,143
or so I thought.

1758
01:16:42,185 --> 01:16:43,937
I went the other way

1759
01:16:43,978 --> 01:16:46,940
because I was a little
fucking monster back then.

1760
01:16:46,981 --> 01:16:48,483
I was taller than my mom, too,

1761
01:16:48,525 --> 01:16:50,777
so I got up on top of her,
looking down on her, like,

1762
01:16:50,819 --> 01:16:52,487
"Why?!
What the fuck you gonna do?!

1763
01:16:52,529 --> 01:16:54,698
I'll raise my voice
whenever the fuck I please!

1764
01:16:54,739 --> 01:16:56,700
Hit me, bitch!"

1765
01:16:56,741 --> 01:16:59,119
[ Laughter ]

1766
01:16:59,160 --> 01:17:00,870
It was so fast.

1767
01:17:00,912 --> 01:17:03,498
Lightning would have blushed

1768
01:17:03,540 --> 01:17:07,711
and thunder would have fainted
at the speed of this punch.

1769
01:17:07,752 --> 01:17:09,170
[ Laughter ]

1770
01:17:09,212 --> 01:17:10,880
And I saw it all too late.

1771
01:17:10,922 --> 01:17:12,507
She -- Her feet were planted.

1772
01:17:12,549 --> 01:17:17,220
She was in an "L" stance,
and her knees got springy.

1773
01:17:17,262 --> 01:17:25,186
And the moment the word "bitch"
left my mouth for its voyage

1774
01:17:25,228 --> 01:17:27,856
across my sister's
birthday party...

1775
01:17:27,897 --> 01:17:30,525
[ Laughter ]

1776
01:17:30,567 --> 01:17:35,655
...she threw that punch
from the hips that birthed me.

1777
01:17:35,697 --> 01:17:36,865
[ Laughter ]

1778
01:17:36,906 --> 01:17:38,324
Whap! With a left.

1779
01:17:38,366 --> 01:17:40,535
That's what threw me off
the most, the left.

1780
01:17:40,577 --> 01:17:43,371
All my life, I had known my mom
to be right-handed.

1781
01:17:43,413 --> 01:17:46,416
I'd spent 15-plus years
deflecting Mom rights,

1782
01:17:46,458 --> 01:17:47,959
but she adapted

1783
01:17:48,001 --> 01:17:51,588
and now came at me
with this southpaw bullshit,

1784
01:17:51,629 --> 01:17:54,215
with this ambidextrous quality
that I did not inherit.

1785
01:17:54,257 --> 01:17:56,885
Prah! Right across the jaw,
right?

1786
01:17:56,926 --> 01:17:59,846
And I'll never forget,
I went demonic right away.

1787
01:17:59,888 --> 01:18:03,391
My thought process, like,
"I'm about to fuck this lady up.

1788
01:18:03,433 --> 01:18:06,227
I don't give a shit.
I'm about to beat her ass.

1789
01:18:06,269 --> 01:18:07,937
I'm about to cause her more pain

1790
01:18:07,979 --> 01:18:11,024
than I did during childbirth,
which until now,

1791
01:18:11,066 --> 01:18:14,194
was physically the most painful
shit one could experience.

1792
01:18:14,235 --> 01:18:16,279
It's also emotionally and
mentally the most painful thing

1793
01:18:16,321 --> 01:18:17,989
one could experience.

1794
01:18:18,031 --> 01:18:19,824
I mean, millions of women
suffer from postpartum.

1795
01:18:19,866 --> 01:18:20,909
That's kind of fucked up.

1796
01:18:20,950 --> 01:18:22,702
Another million women
die every year

1797
01:18:22,744 --> 01:18:25,580
just in the act of giving birth,
even in first-world countries,

1798
01:18:25,622 --> 01:18:27,415
yet they do it
year in and year out.

1799
01:18:27,457 --> 01:18:28,875
They take the risk,
knowing it's a risk,

1800
01:18:28,917 --> 01:18:30,293
but they do it,
because when you think about it,

1801
01:18:30,335 --> 01:18:31,628
it is a miracle.

1802
01:18:31,670 --> 01:18:33,046
She fucking did that for me.

1803
01:18:33,088 --> 01:18:35,340
I never even asked
what her dreams were. Fuck.

1804
01:18:35,382 --> 01:18:37,425
I wonder what other
sacrifices she's made

1805
01:18:37,467 --> 01:18:40,929
that I'm not even aware of."

1806
01:18:40,970 --> 01:18:45,433
[ Cheers and applause ]

1807
01:18:45,475 --> 01:18:48,061
And then I cried.

1808
01:18:48,103 --> 01:18:49,604
[ Laughter ]

1809
01:18:49,646 --> 01:18:52,107
And she made me
a grilled cheese.

1810
01:18:52,148 --> 01:18:53,942
[ Laughter ]

1811
01:18:53,983 --> 01:18:56,736
That is good parenting!

1812
01:18:56,778 --> 01:19:00,448
Negotiations have broken down.

1813
01:19:00,490 --> 01:19:03,743
She took a leap of faith in me,
her creation.

1814
01:19:03,785 --> 01:19:08,456
She believed in me enough to
punch me in the fucking jaw...

1815
01:19:08,498 --> 01:19:11,418
knowing that could either
turn me into a scumbag

1816
01:19:11,459 --> 01:19:14,129
or a decent human being.

1817
01:19:14,170 --> 01:19:16,423
And here I am...

1818
01:19:16,464 --> 01:19:19,259
a stand-up comedian.

1819
01:19:19,300 --> 01:19:22,804
[ Cheers and applause ]

1820
01:19:24,014 --> 01:19:26,599
But that's today.

1821
01:19:27,517 --> 01:19:30,603
On September 2, 2005.

1822
01:19:30,645 --> 01:19:34,482
I was just some dumb shit
on my sister's front porch

1823
01:19:34,524 --> 01:19:36,943
halfway through
an American Spirit.

1824
01:19:36,985 --> 01:19:40,155
So I'd been out there for like
half an hour at least.

1825
01:19:40,196 --> 01:19:43,700
[ Laughter ]

1826
01:19:44,826 --> 01:19:50,999
And my dad's phone had been
ringing for at least a drag...

1827
01:19:51,041 --> 01:19:53,168
[ Laughter ]

1828
01:19:53,209 --> 01:19:54,627
...and he hadn't
answered it yet.

1829
01:19:54,669 --> 01:19:56,129
So I turn
and I look through the window,

1830
01:19:56,171 --> 01:19:57,672
and I can see him in there.

1831
01:19:57,714 --> 01:20:00,800
I can see him in there
breathing heavier and heavier,

1832
01:20:00,842 --> 01:20:03,345
bracing himself for this call.

1833
01:20:03,386 --> 01:20:06,681
I could see that
when he answered it...

1834
01:20:06,723 --> 01:20:08,808
it took everything
for him to do that.

1835
01:20:08,850 --> 01:20:12,896
I could see...he didn't even
get to identify himself

1836
01:20:12,937 --> 01:20:14,105
as he always did.

1837
01:20:14,147 --> 01:20:15,815
"This is..."

1838
01:20:18,568 --> 01:20:20,195
All I had to do
was get there on time

1839
01:20:20,236 --> 01:20:21,488
and she could have came with me.

1840
01:20:21,529 --> 01:20:25,200
All I had to do
was get there on time...

1841
01:20:25,241 --> 01:20:26,534
but I was
a fucking piece of shit.

1842
01:20:26,576 --> 01:20:27,994
At that moment,

1843
01:20:28,036 --> 01:20:30,705
I stopped believing in a God
and started wishing

1844
01:20:30,747 --> 01:20:34,000
there were gods,
old-school-style fucking gods

1845
01:20:34,042 --> 01:20:36,169
that would take me
as a sacrifice

1846
01:20:36,211 --> 01:20:38,046
and bring her back if need be.

1847
01:20:38,088 --> 01:20:41,007
All I had to do was not be this.

1848
01:20:41,049 --> 01:20:42,842
The world
doesn't fucking need this.

1849
01:20:42,884 --> 01:20:46,554
The world doesn't need
another fat, bearded, loud mouth

1850
01:20:46,596 --> 01:20:48,014
with some sob stories.

1851
01:20:48,056 --> 01:20:53,061
All I had to do was be a son
for once...

1852
01:20:53,103 --> 01:20:58,900
and the world wouldn't be
punishing them because of me.

1853
01:20:58,942 --> 01:21:01,695
Fuck me.

1854
01:21:05,073 --> 01:21:09,577
And then he answered...
and crumbled.

1855
01:21:09,619 --> 01:21:13,081
And if you've never heard
a grown man crumble,

1856
01:21:13,123 --> 01:21:15,417
it sounds a lot like this.

1857
01:21:15,458 --> 01:21:18,586
"Oh! Oh, baby. Oh.

1858
01:21:18,628 --> 01:21:21,381
Oh, baby,
I'm so glad you called.

1859
01:21:21,423 --> 01:21:23,591
I'm so glad you called, baby."

1860
01:21:23,633 --> 01:21:26,594
[ Chuckles ]

1861
01:21:26,636 --> 01:21:28,680
It was her...

1862
01:21:28,722 --> 01:21:31,099
his other wife.

1863
01:21:31,141 --> 01:21:34,644
[ Laughter ]

1864
01:21:38,648 --> 01:21:40,442
I'm just fucking with you.
I had to do it.

1865
01:21:40,483 --> 01:21:44,446
Listen, I had to bring you there
with me then

1866
01:21:44,487 --> 01:21:47,574
so you could be here
with me now.

1867
01:21:47,615 --> 01:21:50,577
It was her, my mother.

1868
01:21:50,618 --> 01:21:52,078
She lived.

1869
01:21:52,120 --> 01:21:55,915
And right then and there,
I developed an OCD tic

1870
01:21:55,957 --> 01:21:58,626
that I carry with me forever,
and it is this --

1871
01:21:58,668 --> 01:22:02,756
I have to let go
so that life can move on.

1872
01:22:02,797 --> 01:22:06,801
No matter what it is,
let go and move on.

1873
01:22:06,843 --> 01:22:08,094
It's the only way
to keep living.

1874
01:22:08,136 --> 01:22:09,804
Just like my father
in that moment

1875
01:22:09,846 --> 01:22:11,431
had to let go
of that phone call.

1876
01:22:11,473 --> 01:22:13,808
She was on a satellite phone,
only had three minutes,

1877
01:22:13,850 --> 01:22:15,977
had to share it with the entire
fucking hospital, okay?

1878
01:22:16,019 --> 01:22:20,482
Just like he then let go
of a reservoir of emotion.

1879
01:22:20,523 --> 01:22:22,942
His soul mate was still alive!

1880
01:22:22,984 --> 01:22:28,156
Just like he then
let go of the loudest...

1881
01:22:28,198 --> 01:22:30,283
[ Laughter ]

1882
01:22:30,325 --> 01:22:36,331
...most emotional raspberry
rim shot I have ever heard.

1883
01:22:36,373 --> 01:22:38,291
I mean, it was perfect.

1884
01:22:38,333 --> 01:22:39,959
[ Cheers and applause ]

1885
01:22:40,001 --> 01:22:44,673
A perfect fart,
just [Imitates fart] right?

1886
01:22:44,714 --> 01:22:46,966
A full octave.

1887
01:22:47,008 --> 01:22:50,053
Like, I think it was
in the key of G shart.

1888
01:22:50,095 --> 01:22:52,639
[ Laughter ]

1889
01:22:52,681 --> 01:22:56,518
I didn't know
a fart to tell a story.

1890
01:22:56,559 --> 01:22:57,977
If a stranger
had heard that fart,

1891
01:22:58,019 --> 01:23:02,315
they'd be like,
"Well, that's quite the saga.

1892
01:23:02,357 --> 01:23:04,526
I'm glad she lived."

1893
01:23:04,567 --> 01:23:06,403
[ Laughter ]

1894
01:23:06,444 --> 01:23:09,322
And just like then and there
from that front porch,

1895
01:23:09,364 --> 01:23:11,533
I let go of a [Howls]

1896
01:23:11,574 --> 01:23:14,828
[ Laughter ]

1897
01:23:14,869 --> 01:23:17,914
[ Cheers and applause ]

1898
01:23:17,956 --> 01:23:20,208
Let go.

1899
01:23:20,250 --> 01:23:21,710
[ Cheers and applause continue ]

1900
01:23:21,751 --> 01:23:25,714
Now, this is something
I try to remember,

1901
01:23:25,755 --> 01:23:29,551
but she reminds me of
as much as she possibly can.

1902
01:23:29,592 --> 01:23:34,180
On October 31, 2017, right?

1903
01:23:34,222 --> 01:23:36,558
On that day in New York,
in Manhattan, on the west side,

1904
01:23:36,599 --> 01:23:38,268
there was a terrorist attack.

1905
01:23:38,309 --> 01:23:40,562
A guy got a van and ran eight
people over, killed them, right?

1906
01:23:40,603 --> 01:23:41,855
And then it ended.

1907
01:23:41,896 --> 01:23:43,481
It was bad, and it ended.

1908
01:23:43,523 --> 01:23:45,900
And then for the next day,
I was receiving phone calls,

1909
01:23:45,942 --> 01:23:47,902
texts, e-mails,
direct messages --

1910
01:23:47,944 --> 01:23:49,529
any way you could
reach out to someone,

1911
01:23:49,571 --> 01:23:52,365
people were reaching out to me
to make sure I was okay.

1912
01:23:52,407 --> 01:23:55,035
Everyone -- friends I hadn't
spoken to in a decade,

1913
01:23:55,076 --> 01:23:56,578
family members I'd written off

1914
01:23:56,619 --> 01:23:58,413
after the last
Bush administration.

1915
01:23:58,455 --> 01:23:59,873
Everyone.

1916
01:23:59,914 --> 01:24:03,209
Family members I liked,
my immediate family --

1917
01:24:03,251 --> 01:24:05,587
everyone was reaching out to me
to make sure I was good,

1918
01:24:05,628 --> 01:24:09,132
everyone except...my mom.

1919
01:24:09,174 --> 01:24:10,550
[ Laughter ]

1920
01:24:10,592 --> 01:24:13,595
Radio silence from this woman.

1921
01:24:13,636 --> 01:24:16,056
And I just couldn't let it go.

1922
01:24:16,097 --> 01:24:18,016
I was just in my head about it,

1923
01:24:18,058 --> 01:24:19,559
like, "Who the fuck
does she think she is?

1924
01:24:19,601 --> 01:24:20,727
I'm her firstborn son.

1925
01:24:20,769 --> 01:24:22,020
What the fuck
is wrong with her?

1926
01:24:22,062 --> 01:24:23,396
Oh, is this how
she wants to show me

1927
01:24:23,438 --> 01:24:24,814
she doesn't love me anymore?

1928
01:24:24,856 --> 01:24:26,107
She thinks she can get away
with that shit?

1929
01:24:26,149 --> 01:24:28,443
This is crazy!"
And I couldn't let it go.

1930
01:24:28,485 --> 01:24:29,778
And finally, nights later,

1931
01:24:29,819 --> 01:24:32,781
I'm at a bar,
shitfaced out of my mind,

1932
01:24:32,822 --> 01:24:34,240
hammered,
and I start sending her

1933
01:24:34,282 --> 01:24:37,452
a string of very
passive-aggressive...

1934
01:24:37,494 --> 01:24:39,245
cunty texts.

1935
01:24:39,287 --> 01:24:41,456
That's the only way
I can describe them,

1936
01:24:41,498 --> 01:24:43,083
I'm like, "Hi, Mom.

1937
01:24:43,124 --> 01:24:47,796
My name is Sean, in case you
don't have this number saved.

1938
01:24:47,837 --> 01:24:49,255
It's spelled S-E-A-N.

1939
01:24:49,297 --> 01:24:52,801
It's me, your firstborn son,
pride of the herd --

1940
01:24:52,842 --> 01:24:54,636
your words, not mine."

1941
01:24:54,678 --> 01:24:56,262
[ Laughter ]

1942
01:24:56,304 --> 01:25:01,351
"And I was just reaching out
to let you know that I am fine."

1943
01:25:01,393 --> 01:25:03,812
[ Laughter ]

1944
01:25:03,853 --> 01:25:06,272
And within a minute,
she responded,

1945
01:25:06,314 --> 01:25:07,982
"Yeah, Sean,
I assumed you were fine

1946
01:25:08,024 --> 01:25:10,819
'cause it all happened
on a bike path."

1947
01:25:10,860 --> 01:25:14,364
[ Laughter ]

1948
01:25:21,162 --> 01:25:24,833
And then, "Love you.
Got a grilled cheese waiting."

1949
01:25:24,874 --> 01:25:28,420
[ Chuckles ]

1950
01:25:28,461 --> 01:25:31,673
[ Laughter ]

1951
01:25:31,715 --> 01:25:37,220
[ Cheers and applause ]

1952
01:25:37,262 --> 01:25:38,555
Thank you all very much.

1953
01:25:38,596 --> 01:25:39,848
Thank you, New Orleans.

1954
01:25:39,889 --> 01:25:41,516
You're beautiful people.

1955
01:25:41,558 --> 01:25:43,852
I love you all.

1956
01:25:43,893 --> 01:25:46,146
Thank you! Thank you!

1957
01:25:46,187 --> 01:25:47,480
Thank you!

1958
01:25:47,522 --> 01:25:49,315
Thank you all!

1959
01:25:49,357 --> 01:25:50,692
Thank you!

1960
01:25:50,734 --> 01:25:53,403
[ Cheers and applause ]

1961
01:25:53,445 --> 01:25:55,655
Thank you all! Goodnight!

1962
01:25:55,697 --> 01:25:59,159
[ Cheers and applause continue ]

1963
01:25:59,200 --> 01:26:09,169
**

1964
01:26:09,210 --> 01:26:19,179
**

1965
01:26:19,220 --> 01:26:29,189
**

1966
01:26:29,230 --> 01:26:39,199
**

1967
01:26:39,240 --> 01:26:49,209
**

1968
01:26:49,250 --> 01:26:54,381
**

1969
01:26:54,422 --> 01:26:56,257
Thank you very much.