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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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["I'm In Mumbai Waiting For A Miracle"
playing]

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[audience cheering]

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[male announcer]<i> New York City,</i>
<i>all the way from Mumbai,</i>

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<i>please welcome Vir Das.</i>

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[audience cheering]

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-Thank you. Thank you very much.
-[music fading]

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Relax. Thank you.
That was aggressive.

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-Uh…
-[audience laughing]

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I was already terrified

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-before I came out.
-[audience laughing]

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I am doing stand-up comedy in 2022.

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-Anything could happen tonight.
-[audience laughing]

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I could be arrested, assaulted,
stabbed, slapped.

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-Even worse, discussed on Reddit.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

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I don't know how your evening goes.
Maybe you get home,

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digitally alter photographs
of yourself to prove

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that you had a real-life experience
on a platform designed

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to give you depression and anxiety
by trading your data for dopamine,

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in a world in which your news is fake
but your comic books are real,

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and the only thing we can really
be certain about tonight

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is some billionaire CEO with, like,
baller money and virgin energy

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will put his little rocket inside
a supermodel or space, or both.

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-Welcome to the show, guys.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

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Tonight, New York City,
I'd love to take you home.

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-Do you wanna go home with me, yeah?
-[audience cheering]

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[Vir] Lovely!

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Your home! I might not be allowed
back into mine.

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-Um…
-[audience laughing]

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I just wanna see who
I am working with this evening.

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You guys look like a good bunch.
I see, uh, I see Indian people.

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[audience laughing]

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I see people who are sleeping
with Indian people.

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[audience laughing, cheering]

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I see random White people who thought
Vir Das was German.

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-I see you guys as well.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

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Didn't look at the poster.

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Home is whatever feels safe
because we live in an unsafe world.

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-Can we agree on that?
-[audience] Yes!

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I just got back from London, England.
Unsafe!

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[audience laughing]

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Central London, in my hotel, a block away,
the middle of the afternoon,

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an 82-year-old couple,
out for an afternoon walk,

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murder in broad daylight.

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Yeah!

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-The guy they killed was so young. Right?
-[audience laughing]

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The old guy stabbed him
while the old lady tried to rob him.

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Because old British ladies don't normally,
like, kill people.

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They let other people do it
and give them knighthoods.

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-Um…
-[audience laughing, applauding]

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They do the robbing, right?

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It's… it's not stolen wealth.

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-It's "Commonwealth," right?
-[audience laughing]

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-Is this too soon? [laughs]
-[audience laughing]

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I am sorry! I don't care.

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The only queen I like
has "Yas" before her title.

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-[audience laughing, cheering]
-I like Yas Queens.

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Do you think anyone said that?

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They all gather around.
She's like, "William…"

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-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

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-"You must unite the family."
-[audience laughing]

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-"Make up with your brother."
-[audience laughing]

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-And he's like, "Yas, Queen!"
-[audience laughing, applauding]

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[Vir] I don't know, man.

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When you come to New York,

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every saying about your city
is partially true.

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[audience laughing]

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And they're like,
"You don't fuck with New York!"

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"Nobody can shut down New York!"
Very powerful!

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-And then it rains for three minutes.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

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-And you guys give up on life.
-[audience laughing]

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And not even real rain.
This weak-ass North American rain.

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-Right, this…
-[audience laughing]

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…this purposeless mist
that just hangs around your face

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like multiple alcoholics

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-having an animated conversation.
-[audience laughing]

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Listen, I come from Mumbai.
There is monsoon in Mumbai, right?

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-[audience cheering]
-It is--

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-That's God's orgasm right there.
-[audience laughing]

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And in Mumbai, they come on your face

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-for three months a year.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

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Mumbai rain is so strong,
it causes loss of hearing.

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Did you know that?

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-You ever seen Indian people do this shit?
-[audience laughing]

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-It's trauma, you racist!
-[audience laughing]

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People told me New York City
was unsafe. I disagree.

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-I've driven through the rest of America.
-[audience laughing]

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You drive through
these lovely woods and forests.

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Basically, the setting of every
true crime documentary

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-you have ever watched in your life.
-[audience laughing]

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America is just miles and miles

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-where you can bury bodies.
-[audience laughing]

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-Interrupted by cities that supply them.
-[audience laughing]

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Mumbai, one of the safest cities
in the world. Do you know why?

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No place to bury a body in Mumbai.

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-That's why.
-[audience laughing]

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You can bury a body
ten feet underground in Mumbai.

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The next morning, there will be laundry

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-hanging from that body.
-[audience laughing]

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That body will be an extra
in a Bollywood movie.

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Because in Mumbai,

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-death is no excuse for unemployment.
-[audience laughing]

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What I like though,
is you have a nice sense of community

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in small towns.

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Right? Like a college kid
goes missing into the forest.

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In five minutes, all the people
in town come together,

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hold hands and go
into the forest to look for that kid.

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-In five minutes, "Angela!"
-[audience laughing]

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"This way. Angela!" [laughs]

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Yo! You could not pay me enough money

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-to go into a forest with White people.
-[audience laughing]

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-That's how cults get started.
-[audience laughing]

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Ten White people
and a vulnerable Brown man in wildlife.

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I will be declared your leader.

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-I promise you.
-[audience laughing]

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Like… like if you came to me
and you're like,

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"Vir, there's a college kid missing
in the forest."

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Do you know what I would do immediately?

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I would call my cousins
back home in India.

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'Cause now there's a vacancy
in that college.

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[audience laughing, applauding]

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Guys…

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One man's death is another man's degree.

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-This is all I am saying.
-[audience laughing]

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Says something about your society though

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that an act of violence
is an anomaly worth documenting

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-instead of the norm.
-[audience laughing]

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You know, White people are in danger,
people get proactive.

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-They send cameras into a forest.
-[audience laughing]

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Black people and Brown people
are in danger,

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we just hold up our cell phones

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-and film that shit.
-[audience laughing]

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All Black and Brown true crime
documentaries are shaky,

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-handheld footage at best.
-[audience laughing]

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Because there is no sense
of mystery, right?

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In White true crime,
the killer's never found.

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In Black or Brown true crime,
the killer's on camera, in uniform.

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-[audience] Oh! [cheering, applauding]
-Guys! Guys!

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I'm just here to eat some beef
and then I leave tomorrow, all right?

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-Relax.
-[audience laughing]

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I think the only country
that has it together is Russia.

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-[audience laughing]
-They're just like,

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-"Life is short. We party."
-[audience laughing]

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The most badass Russian I met this year,
I went to the KGB museum in Prague.

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If you haven't been, you must go.
It's not a museum.

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It's a ten-foot by ten-foot basement

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-with a racist Russian man inside.
-[audience laughing]

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Opening of the door, very powerful.

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He comes out from behind a curtain.
He's like, "Hello!"

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-[audience laughing]
-"Welcome to museum of KGB."

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-[audience laughing]
-Like the name was a secret.

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I was in, immediately.

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-I was like, "You had me at 'K'."
-[audience laughing]

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I was converted. For two weeks,
I followed my wife around the house,

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-naked, just going, "KGB."
-[audience laughing]

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-As some of you will do later tonight.
-[audience laughing]

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-Your wife, not mine. [inhales]
-[audience laughing]

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The high point of this store
is the propaganda.

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He's like, "All right.
Everybody, come close. I tell you secret."

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"In World War Two,
Hitler have 3,000 tons of Nazi Gold."

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"At the end of the war,
they only find 150 tons of Nazi Gold."

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"Nobody know where rest of gold go.
But many years later, America is most

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-powerful country in the world."
-[audience laughing]

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And I was like,
"I underpaid for this talk."

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[audience laughing]

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It was a beautiful ironic moment, right?

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To stand there as an Indian and pretend
to disapprove of undeclared gold.

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[audience laughing, applauding]

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Oh…

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You think Nazi Gold is a conspiracy?
You haven't heard of Auntie Gold,

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-have you?
-[audience laughing]

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Every single Indian woman here tonight
has a bank locker

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-her husband knows nothing about…
-[audience laughing]

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…with gold that Indiana Jones

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-couldn't fucking find.
-[audience laughing]

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You will find Christ's chalice

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before you find Manju's necklace,
all right?

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00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:21,960
[audience laughing, cheering]

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But home is where you feel safe.
Can we agree?

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-[audience cheering]
-This is something I think about.

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On an Air India flight
from Newark to Mumbai

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on the 27th of November 2021,
I am going home.

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A younger Air India air hostess
who is about 65…

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-[audience laughing]
-…comes up to me

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and offers me a glass of gin.
I refuse the gin. She says,

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-"Mr. Das, just drink the damn gin!"
-[audience laughing]

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The reason she insists, we both feel
that when I land in Mumbai,

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I am going to be arrested
and taken to prison.

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Now, I had prepared in my own way
to go to prison.

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I have stopped shaving,
begun doing push-ups.

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[audience laughing]

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The reason that I am in trouble.

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I have recently done a video
about my country at the Kennedy Center

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00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,640
-called the "Two Indias" video. [inhales]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

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-You say that now!
-[audience laughing]

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The video is about the duality
in my nation and the need for us

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to unite in the light.

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It has caused
a lot of duality in my nation.

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-[audience laughing]
-And many people have united

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-in being pissed off at me.
-[audience laughing]

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I have been the number one trend
in the country for three weeks,

203
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had seven criminal complaints
filed against me,

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being charged with sedition
and defaming India on foreign soil.

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I was called a terrorist
on three different news channels

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-on the primetime news.
-[audience cheering]

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That is an interesting conversation
with your mother that evening.

208
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,200
-[audience laughing]
-Just watching the news like,

209
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"Remember how you said how you don't know
how to describe what I do for a living?"

210
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,160
[audience laughing, applauding]

211
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,920
The headlines had,
"Vir Das is a terrorist."

212
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And I just remember thinking,

213
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"This is so insulting
to actual terrorists."

214
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,920
[audience laughing]

215
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Can you imagine how terrorists feel?

216
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,720
-They're like, "Bro, this guy?"
-[audience laughing]

217
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,240
"We choreograph acts of violence
ten years in advance,

218
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,080
but now we have to do spoken word

219
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,840
-performance apparently."
-[audience laughing]

220
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New York, I never got any feedback
from any terrorist groups.

221
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,360
-I promise you.
-[audience laughing]

222
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,480
I never got a phone call,
"Hey, Vir, ISIS, huge fans."

223
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,160
-"Love your work."
-[audience laughing, applauding]

224
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,000
"Vir, where are you doing
your next comedy special?"

225
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,160
-[audience laughing]
-"No, we know you tried Netflix,

226
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,040
-but we'd like you to try ISIS."
-[audience laughing]

227
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,240
"Vir, I don't know if you know this
but ISIS has way more subscribers

228
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,400
-than Netflix."
-[audience laughing, applauding]

229
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,360
Which is true. They do.

230
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-Much better family-sharing plan.
-[audience laughing]

231
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,160
And really, ISIS and Netflix
just want the same thing,

232
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,920
-which is for you to blow up.
-[audience laughing]

233
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:07,400
I was on the news here too.

234
00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:11,160
I was on CNN and I was like,
"When did they start doing the news?"

235
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,160
-[audience laughing]
-I…

236
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:17,280
-[audience applauding]
-…was on the BBC. Home page!

237
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,000
Big headline that said,
"Comedian polarizes the nation."

238
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,720
-[audience laughing]
-Do you know how badly

239
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,040
you have to fuck up before the British say
that you divided India?

240
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,040
[audience laughing, cheering]

241
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:39,960
Certain parties back home began lobbying
for my citizenship to be revoked

242
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:42,480
on the grounds
that I am not a pure Indian.

243
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,160
I have been polluted by Western thought.

244
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,640
Be very careful of people
who celebrate purity.

245
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,080
And that's not even history.

246
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,760
-That's just basic <i>Harry Potter.</i>
-[audience laughing, applauding]

247
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,040
They start a hashtag,
they're like, "Vir Das is a slave!"

248
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,720
"Western slave!"

249
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,520
Which would be offensive to me
except my last name is Das.

250
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,280
[audience laughing]

251
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,400
I'll translate. Don't worry, non-Indians.
Don't worry. I got you.

252
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,880
Like, so Das literally means "slave,"

253
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,000
but my first name is Vir,

254
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,920
-so apparently, I am a brave slave.
-[audience laughing]

255
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,520
Which-- Isn't that all slaves, really?

256
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,880
-[audience laughing]
-Have you ever met a nonchalant slave?

257
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,320
"Yeah, I'm a slave.
It's pretty chilled out. Yeah, you know…"

258
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,080
"Mostly work from home.
Their home. Hashtag, blessed."

259
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,240
[audience laughing, applauding]

260
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,200
While it offends me, they are not wrong.
I was raised abroad.

261
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,840
Partially, so I have always felt
kind of stuck, right?

262
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:38,000
I am too Indian for the West
but too Western for India.

263
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,800
-Does that make sense to anybody?
-[audience cheering]

264
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,160
That's easy applause.
I'll break it down, all right?

265
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:44,360
Like, okay, check it out.

266
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,560
I am not so Indian
that I would study to be a doctor.

267
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,080
-Mm-mm.
-[audience laughing]

268
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:54,000
No! But, like, I am Indian enough
where I would never use a White doctor.

269
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,520
[audience laughing, applauding]

270
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,160
Sorry.

271
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,320
It's just…

272
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,040
I would let an Indian engineer treat me
before a White doctor.

273
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,080
I don't need curative medicine.

274
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,920
-I need cheap efficient solutions now!
-[audience laughing]

275
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,000
I don't need probiotics for gut health.

276
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,720
I need a belt that burps me
every five minutes.

277
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,400
-Yo, fucker, let's go.
-[audience laughing]

278
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:18,160
All right, okay.
I have my eye on Western policy,

279
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,440
so I believe that the abortion ruling
in America is a travesty.

280
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,120
-Anything under 29--
-[audience laughing]

281
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,120
-[shushes] Shut up. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

282
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,640
Anything under 29 weeks,

283
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,520
I believe is a woman's body
and her choice alone.

284
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,400
-I believe that, all right?
-[audience applauding]

285
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,040
-But I am also Indian!
-[audience laughing]

286
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:39,480
So, I believe that anything
over seven years,

287
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,880
a parent should be able to take a slipper

288
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,600
-and murder their child.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

289
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,600
-I believe in long-game abortion.
-[audience laughing]

290
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,120
And I look forward to your vote.
[chuckles]

291
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,000
-[audience laughing]
-And long-game discipline.

292
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,680
When I was 17, my best friend and I
crashed his father's car.

293
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,080
His father kicked his own son
in the balls.

294
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,000
-[audience laughing]
-He disciplined two generations

295
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,400
-that evening, guys.
-[audience laughing]

296
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,800
My best friend has a son now.
His son's first words were,

297
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,000
-"I am sorry, Papa."
-[audience laughing]

298
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,080
Like, I perform in America,
so I worry about being shot in America.

299
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,760
I think you need gun control

300
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,600
-legislation immediately.
-[audience applauding]

301
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,000
-But I am also Indian.
-[audience laughing]

302
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,760
So, I wanna be friends with at least
that one guy who has a gun.

303
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,200
[audience laughing, applauding]

304
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,160
-In case, shit goes down. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

305
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,440
I can call Punjab and be like,

306
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,800
-"Manjeet, I need you."
-[audience laughing]

307
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,200
And I am not insinuating
that all Punjabi people have guns. Relax.

308
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,560
Some of them have blades and swords.
Much quicker.

309
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,680
-[audience laughing]
-Human beings are just fruit

310
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,720
-with feelings.
-[audience laughing]

311
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,080
Like I learned English first,
so my English is stronger than my Hindi,

312
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,800
but I believe that Hindi
is a stronger language than English.

313
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,760
There are beautiful words in Hindi

314
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,160
that English doesn't have the power
to express as a language.

315
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,000
-[audience laughing]
-Beautiful words like--

316
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,760
-[clicks tongue]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

317
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:07,760
That's a Hindi word.

318
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,720
Non-Indians,
have you heard us do that shit, yeah?

319
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,640
-[audience laughing]
-It means about 40 different things.

320
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,560
Come on, everybody do it with me.
Come on.

321
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,880
-I am happy. [clicks tongue]
-[audience clicking tongues, laughing]

322
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,120
-I am sad. [clicks tongue]
-[audience clicking tongues, laughing]

323
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,240
-Fuck you! [clicks tongue]
-[audience clicking tongues, laughing]

324
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:26,120
-Fuck me! [clicks tongue]
-[audience laughing]

325
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,760
White people can't make that noise.

326
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,480
You need years of humidity
and cynicism to happen.

327
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,480
[audience laughing]

328
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,760
Give White people, like, ten more years
of climate change and Donald Trump,

329
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,880
they'll all be walking around like…
[clicks tongue] "Goddammit!"

330
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,360
[audience laughing]

331
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:41,560
But, like, I am not so confident
in English

332
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,440
-that I would have sex in English.
-[audience laughing]

333
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,960
-I have sex in Hindi.
-[audience laughing]

334
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,160
Because English sex is very confident,
right?

335
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,040
-It's like, "Yeah, girl!"
-[audience laughing]

336
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,000
"I'm about to clap those cheeks, girl!"

337
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,640
-"Shit!"
-[audience laughing]

338
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,120
-"We about to smash AF, girl!"
-[audience laughing]

339
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,200
I don't have sex like that.
When I have sex, I'm like…

340
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,920
[in Hindi] "Thank you so much.
May God always bless you."

341
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,800
[audience laughing, cheering]

342
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,320
"May you never forget me."

343
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,840
[in English] Non-Indians,
that is the only joke

344
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,680
I will not translate for you this evening.

345
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,160
-[audience laughing]
-Purely for my self-esteem.

346
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,080
A campaign has circulated
among school children

347
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,920
who are making my video viral.

348
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,000
The campaign says,
"If you ever get a chance

349
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:31,080
to speak to a crowd abroad,
be a Swami Vivekananda, not a Vir Das."

350
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:34,360
-With a picture of both of us together.
-[audience laughing]

351
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,240
This is a lot of pressure, New York City.

352
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,680
-Can we agree?
-[audience cheering]

353
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,560
-To compare comedians to spiritual gurus.
-[audience laughing]

354
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,680
-Nobody does the reverse.
-[audience laughing]

355
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,080
I have never read a review
in the newspaper entertainment section,

356
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,760
"Dalai Lama, not as funny
as we thought he was gonna be."

357
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,960
-[audience laughing]
-"Jesus Christ, better magician

358
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,920
-than comedian."
-[audience laughing]

359
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,720
"Moses keeps repeating
the same ten jokes."

360
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,240
-"Get new material, Moses!"
-[audience laughing, applauding]

361
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,000
"Mohammed, loved the book,
hated the cartoon."

362
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,520
[audience laughing, groaning]

363
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,280
Yeah, let's talk about death threats.

364
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,280
-Uh-- [laughs]
-[audience laughing, cheering]

365
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,480
We get so many.

366
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,560
My family is instructed
to turn their phones off

367
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,120
because we get tens of thousands
of death threats.

368
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,040
And I don't say that to manufacture
sympathy or bravado.

369
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:23,000
I am nobody's victim, nobody's hero.
All right? Indians are very passé

370
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,480
-about death threats anyway.
-[audience laughing]

371
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:28,480
Like, you threaten an American's family,
they feel triggered.

372
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,080
[audience laughing]

373
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,520
Indians, you can literally look at us
and, guys, I'll translate now.

374
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,000
You can look at an Indian
and be like…

375
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,040
-[in Hindi] "I will…
-[audience laughing]

376
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,160
-…kill your father and drink his blood."
-[audience laughing]

377
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,960
[in English] Translation, "I will kill
your father and drink his blood."

378
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:46,280
[audience laughing]

379
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:50,480
You can say that to an Indian person
out loud and we'll be like, "Okay!"

380
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,000
[audience laughing, applauding]

381
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:55,560
Try.

382
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:58,520
But not on Tuesday, huh?

383
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,160
-It's non-veg, technically, so…
-[audience laughing]

384
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:07,200
I also get 1.8 million social media
followers across platforms in 72 hours

385
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,160
-between the age of 18 and 25.
-[audience cheering]

386
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:15,560
I'm sitting on the youngest,
largest, most progressive

387
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,160
dumb fuckest audience
I have ever had in my life!

388
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,440
[audience laughing]

389
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,000
Are you here tonight?
Eighteen to 25, make some noise.

390
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,080
[audience cheering, applauding]

391
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,120
-You dumb bastards, why?
-[audience laughing]

392
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,680
-Don't get me wrong. I love your money…
-[audience laughing]

393
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,640
…but you make me feel like
the creepy uncle at the disco, you know?

394
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,720
-[audience laughing]
-They don't even know.

395
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,640
They're like, "What's a disco, bro?
Is it a back problem?"

396
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,480
-It's not a back problem!
-[audience laughing]

397
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,480
It's a room where your parents
dry humped each other.

398
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,280
-[audience laughing]
-They all join in.

399
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:43,400
They're like, "We're with you, Vir."

400
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,440
"This is a movement."
And I'm like, "No, it's not!"

401
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,040
Your other hand is eating noodles
that your mom made.

402
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,000
-This is not a movement.
-[audience laughing]

403
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,120
We're just trying to plug
into virtue together

404
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,680
by behaving like animals on social media.

405
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,520
Because it's turning us into that.

406
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,800
You ever seen a lion roar?
[imitates lion roaring]

407
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,640
Instantly, what happens?
The rest of the pack is like…

408
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:03,920
[imitates lion roaring]

409
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,000
-That's a retweet!
-[audience laughing]

410
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,960
-You've ever seen wildebeest charging?
-[audience laughing]

411
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,560
They don't know what the fuck
they're charging at,

412
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:13,280
who they're following,
they're still charging.

413
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,480
-That's a hashtag.
-[audience laughing]

414
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,400
You ever seen two birds talk
to each other? [imitates bird noise]

415
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,800
One takes off… [imitates bird noise]
…another one lands.

416
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,480
Same sound, different movements.
That's a TikTok.

417
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,880
-[audience laughing]
-Maybe to them it sounds cooler, right?

418
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,720
Like you and me, we hear--
[imitates bird noise]

419
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,840
-[audience laughing]
-Maybe in bird language, it sounds like…

420
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,120
<i>♪ Someday you leave this world behind… ♪</i>
[imitating bird noises]

421
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,440
<i>♪ …So, live a life… ♪</i>
[imitating bird noises]

422
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,880
-[audience cheering]
<i>-♪ You will remember ♪</i>

423
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,760
I love that song.

424
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,840
Every time it plays
in my mind an influencer dies.

425
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,920
[audience laughing]

426
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,840
Here's why I think your generation
might save the world.

427
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,280
-You have zero emotional retention.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

428
00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,000
You must articulate every experience,
mid-experience and receive validation

429
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,680
for the experience
before you have completed the experience.

430
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,200
[audience laughing, applauding]

431
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,000
But what that means
is you are not emotionally repressed.

432
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,880
You don't carry, you know,
baggage around.

433
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,480
You just express yourself.
You feel something new in your body,

434
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,880
you're like,
"I think I identify as a woman."

435
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,120
You're not repressed.
You get on the internet.

436
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,320
You're like,
"I think I identify as a woman."

437
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:23,920
-[exhales sharply]
-[audience laughing]

438
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,360
That's how old I am. That's the sound
I think the internet makes.

439
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,440
[audience laughing]

440
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,960
Somebody across the world is like,
"Hey, man, I identify as a woman too."

441
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,960
"Here's what you need to do.
Step one, two, three."

442
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,160
-[exhales sharply]
-[audience laughing]

443
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:40,360
That's a privilege and a skill.
Don't ever take that for granted.

444
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,160
We had nobody
for these conversations, right?

445
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,360
-All we had were Indian parents.
-[audience laughing]

446
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,400
If I walked into my parent's room like,
"Good morning, Mommy, Daddy."

447
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,560
-[audience laughing]
-"I think…"

448
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,240
[audience laughing]

449
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,080
[audience applauding]

450
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:02,280
-"…I identify as a woman."
-[audience laughing]

451
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,360
-"Okay!"
-[audience laughing]

452
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,960
"Could you identify as a woman
who does well on her exams?"

453
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,080
-"How about that shit, huh?"
-[audience laughing, applauding]

454
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,120
"She would be very welcome in this house."

455
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,360
"A woman who gets into Harvard,
we care about admission,

456
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:16,840
-not transition."
-[audience laughing]

457
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:18,760
And I don't care
about your transition either.

458
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:22,280
It is the prerogative of every generation
to shatter your social constructs

459
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:23,560
through conversation.

460
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,600
For you, that's gender.
So, go ahead, shatter it.

461
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,240
We might wind up someplace cool.

462
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:33,040
I hope you enjoy this fluidity as much
as your parents enjoyed infidelity.

463
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,960
[audience laughing]

464
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,600
-Oh, now we're uncomfortable, huh?
-[audience laughing]

465
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,400
You don't need to have a gender,
but Mom and Dad still need

466
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:43,720
-to have principles apparently, huh?
-[audience laughing]

467
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,680
Your parents were shackled by marriage,
so they created a divorce industry.

468
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,280
Your grandparents were shackled by race.

469
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,000
That's what they broke down.
Those barriers.

470
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:53,280
We don't have to talk about it.

471
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:57,080
We can pretend like your grandmother goes
to Jamaica every summer for the seafood.

472
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,400
[audience laughing]

473
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,200
-Guys, grow up!
-[audience laughing]

474
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,080
Your grandparents
were 20 years old in the 60s.

475
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,960
Your grandmom and grandad
have been to one orgy minimum.

476
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,360
-[audience laughing]
-They didn't call it that.

477
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,600
They called it, like, tambola night
or some shit like that, all right?

478
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,520
The communist party
or some shit like that.

479
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,760
[audience laughing, applauding]

480
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,360
For my generation, it was sexuality.

481
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,080
Our parents couldn't have
that conversation with us.

482
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:24,640
When I was 13, my mom came to me
like a detective who had solved a mystery.

483
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,320
-[audience laughing]
-She's like, "Vir,

484
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,640
-you don't have a girlfriend."
-[audience laughing]

485
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,760
-"Women will not talk to you."
-[audience laughing]

486
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,360
"If you're gay, tell me now.
We'll take you to a doctor and fix you."

487
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,600
[audience laughing]

488
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,080
I was like, "Mom, I'm not a gay.
I'm just a loser."

489
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,120
[audience laughing, applauding]

490
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,120
Those two are the opposite
of each other, right?

491
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,440
'Cause gay men are winners.
They are always levelling up.

492
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,520
My friend, Shashank. Here's how we dress,
here's how he dresses.

493
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:50,840
Here's what we eat, here's what--

494
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,200
-He dreams better than us.
-[audience laughing]

495
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,120
He sleeps with a smile on his face
every night. Just-- Hmm!

496
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:57,880
[audience laughing]

497
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,080
He wakes up, I am like, "Shashank,
what the fuck are you dreaming about?"

498
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,360
-He's like, "Sorbet."
-[audience laughing]

499
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,320
"Sorbet?"

500
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,240
"Even your dreams are lactose-free
and upper-middle-class, man."

501
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:10,920
[audience laughing, applauding]

502
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,320
I…

503
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,320
I have never dreamt of sorbet.

504
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,240
I have dreamt of one Toblerone
chocolate my entire life.

505
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:19,280
[audience laughing]

506
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,680
And in my dream, I didn't get to eat
the fucking chocolate.

507
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,160
-[audience laughing ]
-It's still wound up inside me.

508
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,040
-[audience] Oh! [laughing, cheering]
-But, you know…

509
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,240
-That joke gets that reaction every time.
-[audience laughing]

510
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,360
I'm not sure why though. I don't know
if it's because the joke is a twist

511
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,720
or because of the texture
of the Toblerone.

512
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,480
[audience laughing]

513
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,160
'Cause, you know it would
take a while, right?

514
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,080
'Cause you're putting a triangle
inside a circle. You know what I mean?

515
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,160
-These are my dreams.
-[audience laughing]

516
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,320
And this is how I want to use my platform.

517
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,400
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

518
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:53,840
But, um…

519
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,680
You know, I was curious
about my sexuality as well.

520
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,640
So, when I was 13, I made out with a boy.
I tried it.

521
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,880
-You know, and in…
-[audience cheering]

522
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,760
-[clears throat]
-[audience laughing]

523
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,880
And in five minutes,
we knew it wasn't for us.

524
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,560
It didn't feel wrong,
but it didn't feel right for us.

525
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,760
-Make sense?
-[audience] Yes!

526
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:14,560
Never talk about it.
Most people in my generation don't

527
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,760
because we studied Science
in Delhi Public School!

528
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,560
[audience cheering, applauding]

529
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:23,760
So, we were always taught that,
"All experiments must be success."

530
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:25,640
[audience laughing, applauding]

531
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,600
So, from my perspective,
I am not straight.

532
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,760
-I failed the homosexuality entrance exam.
-[audience laughing]

533
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,280
-I ace my SATs, fail my GAYs.
-[audience laughing]

534
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,320
But my first kiss was a straight boy.

535
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:42,240
-Yeah. So, ladies, I empathize.
-[audience laughing]

536
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:43,880
[gags]

537
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,160
We sign up for different things, right?

538
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:49,560
You sign up for kissing.
We sign up for exploring, you know?

539
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:50,720
[audience laughing]

540
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:55,240
It's like the inside of my mouth
was the Earth and he believed it was flat.

541
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,640
[audience laughing]

542
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,960
I was like, "Hey, man,
do you wanna go round a little bit?"

543
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,200
He's like, "No, I will keep going in
the same direction till I find the end."

544
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:03,360
[audience laughing]

545
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,720
Look how uncomfortable the room
is right now by the way.

546
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:11,360
I am sorry, America.
Am I punching down on straight men?

547
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:13,560
[audience laughing]

548
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,680
These are the rules of comedy
that you have set in the West, right?

549
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:21,680
Always make fun of people
who have more privilege than you do.

550
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,240
That is called a punch up.

551
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,320
Never make fun of people
who have less privilege than you.

552
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:27,720
That is called a punch down!

553
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:29,280
-Have you heard of this, yeah?
-[audience laughing]

554
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,120
What a bullshit Western construct

555
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,320
-this is!
-[audience laughing]

556
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,800
Because in the West,
your privilege is consistent.

557
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,000
Indian privilege is very volatile.

558
00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:40,000
Up and down, like a feather.
Fluttering on the wind.

559
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,000
<i>One moment you are Forrest Gump,</i>
<i>next moment you are Laal Singh Chaddha.</i>

560
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,880
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Up and down, up and down, up and down!

561
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,080
Plus, honestly, I feel like in the West,
most of you are calling out

562
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:57,000
your own privilege before
other people call out your privilege

563
00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:58,720
so that you can go back to quietly

564
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,800
-enjoying your privilege.
-[audience laughing]

565
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,760
Some of you look confused.
The White people are like, "He knows!"

566
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,680
[audience laughing]

567
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,160
The minute you add nuance
to the privilege conversation,

568
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,640
it falls apart. Like, okay, you tell me.

569
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:16,920
Could I, a Brown man from India,
could I make fun of Ivanka Trump?

570
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,920
-Is that a punch up? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]

571
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,200
Allowed? Let's add layers.

572
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,840
What if Ivanka Trump has a baby
with a Syrian Muslim refugee?

573
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,200
-[crowd groaning, gasping]
-It could happen. Love is love.

574
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,440
[audience laughing]

575
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,320
-Could I make fun of the baby?
-[indistinct chatter]

576
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,960
-You weak bastards!
-[audience laughing]

577
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,360
Guys, come on. Muslim refugee
Trump baby is hilarious, guys.

578
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,480
-[audience laughing]
-Guys, just…

579
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,160
-Think about this baby.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

580
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,400
Inzamam-ul-Trump.
Think about him, all right?

581
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,000
[audience laughing, applauding]

582
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,520
I don't know why he is two feet tall.

583
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,320
All right. It's none of my business.
Think about this fucking baby.

584
00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:00,720
He owns 75 buildings in Manhattan
but has no homeland. Come on!

585
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:01,880
[audience laughing]

586
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,360
I know, I know.
Uncomfortable, uncomfortable.

587
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:06,960
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs] I'll pull back. Um…

588
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,000
Vladimir Putin. Could I make fun
of Vladimir Putin?

589
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:11,080
-Punch up?
-[audience cheering]

590
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,960
Let's add layers.
What if Vladimir Putin had alopecia?

591
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:16,600
[audience laughing]

592
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:17,840
Oh!

593
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,200
You thought Jada
was the only bald dictator?

594
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,520
[audience laughing, applauding]

595
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:26,960
He's just sad, sitting in the Kremlin,

596
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:28,400
-rubbing his head.
-[audience laughing]

597
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,040
-Nothing grows in Russia.
-[audience laughing]

598
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,520
Please don't cancel me. I apologize.

599
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:35,520
Please! I don't wanna get cancelled.

600
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,560
It would really interfere
with my incarceration.

601
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,600
[audience laughing]

602
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,320
This is the big Western comic complaint.

603
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,120
I was with an American comic.

604
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,240
He was like,
"Vir, Cancel Culture is insane!"

605
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,720
"The other day a mob came after me!
A mob! On Twitter!"

606
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,040
[audience laughing, applauding]

607
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,040
-[smacks lips] Okay.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

608
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,200
It's like telling the freshly castrated
that your balls itch.

609
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,160
-[audience laughing]
-The most annoying article

610
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:12,760
that I ever read in the West is,

611
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,120
"Why doesn't Indian comedy content
push the envelope?"

612
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,200
[laughs sarcastically] Really, bitch?
Because we looked inside the envelope!

613
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:20,760
[audience laughing]

614
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,000
There are court cases inside the envelope.

615
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,480
There is a court date
on the top of the envelope.

616
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,000
-Um--
-[audience laughing]

617
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,040
So, we make safe content, right?

618
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:33,560
When we're in India, we make safe movies
where India always defeats Pakistan.

619
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:35,760
-[audience laughing]
-Doesn't matter at what!

620
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,680
Battle, cricket, inhaling, Uno!
We always win.

621
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:39,920
[audience laughing]

622
00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:42,320
-And we love these movies, yes?
-[audience cheering]

623
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:45,400
And then when we're abroad,
we make safe family content.

624
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,160
Aww, look at this sitcom
about this South Asian family.

625
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,160
Look how they get on with their neighbors.

626
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:52,520
Do you know what they do at night?

627
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:54,920
They watch Bollywood movies
about shooting their neighbors.

628
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:56,200
[audience laughing]

629
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,200
Aww, but they are so conservative.

630
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:00,440
Yeah! They live abroad.

631
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,280
-That's where conservative India lives.
-[audience laughing]

632
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:04,600
Abroad.

633
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:08,400
If you want your Indian children
to be virgins at 25,

634
00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,520
you raise them in New Jersey,
not New Delhi.

635
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:12,920
[audience laughing, applauding]

636
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:15,440
[inaudibly] Sorry!

637
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,600
I know it hurt, but it's true.
Am I wrong?

638
00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:24,600
-[audience] No!
-Any people raised

639
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,760
by Indian parents abroad?
Come on, second generations.

640
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:28,480
Let me see you. Come on.
Indian parents here.

641
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,160
I say this to you with respect.

642
00:29:30,720 --> 00:29:33,520
Your parent's version of India
does not exist.

643
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,040
-It's archaic, it's gone!
-[audience cheering]

644
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,160
Also, your pop culture portrayal

645
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,200
-of India doesn't exist.
-[audience laughing]

646
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:41,600
This India where we all walk around like…

647
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:43,720
-[mumbles]
-[audience laughing]

648
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,600
Do we talk like that back home?

649
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:46,840
-[audience] No!
-No,

650
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,920
-Indians talk like that here! [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]

651
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,520
You know what that shit is?
That's an American accent.

652
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,360
-[audience laughing]
-Come home!

653
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:57,840
-[in Hindi] Come on!
-[audience laughing]

654
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:01,880
[in English] Come home and witness
modern India in all of our chaos

655
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,600
but our infinitely larger beauty.

656
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:05,800
-Come home.
-[audience cheering]

657
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:10,800
And if you are not going to come home,
never lecture us from abroad

658
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,760
about what it means to be Indian.

659
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:16,040
-In the words of every Mumbaikar I know…
-[audience cheering]

660
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,520
[in Hindi] "Come and dare to battle me
or else, fuck off!"

661
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:20,520
[audience cheering]

662
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,240
[in English] I'll translate. Don't worry.

663
00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:35,080
It's not as good in English.

664
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,640
-I'm just going to be honest.
-[audience laughing]

665
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,600
Because you heard the response
in Hindi, right?

666
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,440
-It was like-- You know?
-[audience laughing]

667
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:44,640
But in English,
it literally translates into like,

668
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:45,920
"Get on the field

669
00:30:46,120 --> 00:30:48,800
-or shove something up your ass."
-[audience laughing]

670
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,000
It's not as good.

671
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:55,200
-It's also a very specific life choice.
-[audience laughing]

672
00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:57,760
I…

673
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,240
I don't know
what kind of situation you are in…

674
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,440
[audience laughing]

675
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:05,360
-…but the only two choices you have…
-[audience laughing]

676
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:09,360
I don't even know what kind
of field this is,

677
00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,640
-you know?
-[audience laughing]

678
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:12,440
Is it like a battlefield?

679
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:14,960
You know, like two guys are like,
"All right, lads?"

680
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,080
-[audience laughing]
-"It's time…

681
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:21,400
to fight for our country, and our land."

682
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:23,600
"So, we're gonna get on that field

683
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,200
and if it's a battle
they are looking for, well, fuck it,

684
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,280
-it's a battle they're gonna get."
-[audience laughing]

685
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:29,560
"Are you with me?"

686
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:32,520
-"No, I'm all right."
-[audience laughing]

687
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:34,880
"I'm just gonna shove a wee
something up my ass."

688
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:36,400
[audience laughing, applauding]

689
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:37,560
I don't know.

690
00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:42,800
Ooh, Like an-- Like an athletic field,
like two marathon runners,

691
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:44,240
you know, they're like,
"Okay, we have trained

692
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,600
-for these moments our entire lives."
-[audience laughing]

693
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,080
"We are going to get on this field

694
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:50,560
and we are going
to win a gold medal for Nigeria."

695
00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:52,800
-[audience laughing]
-"Are you with me?"

696
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:54,840
[clicks tongue]
"Okay, I am very tired now!"

697
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:56,200
[audience laughing]

698
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:57,840
"I am going to shove something up my ass."

699
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,240
[audience laughing]

700
00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:03,120
Or like a-- Like a farming American field.

701
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:07,120
Like, you know,
two farmers are like, "Well, Jim…"

702
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:08,600
[audience laughing]

703
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,040
"…I see a lot of corn."

704
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:14,760
"Might be time to get on that field
and cut her down."

705
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:16,560
[audience laughing, cheering]

706
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:20,040
-"No, Paul!"
-[audience laughing]

707
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:22,840
"I'm just going to cut the wood
and shove it up my ass."

708
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,320
[audience laughing, applauding]

709
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:28,240
-"Excuse me, why is this taking so long?"
-[audience laughing]

710
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:29,880
"Well, we just improvised

711
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:31,920
-a bit right now."
-[audience laughing]

712
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:36,240
-"We got to find an end."
-[audience laughing, applauding]

713
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,000
-"He is right, you know."
-[audience laughing]

714
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,160
-"You can't move on without an end."
-[audience laughing]

715
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:45,800
-"Jesus Christ, all right, look, um…"
-[audience laughing]

716
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:47,840
"…I'm just going to count down
from three to one."

717
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,840
-"We're just going to move the fuck on."
-[audience laughing]

718
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:51,560
"All right, Jim?"

719
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,600
[audience laughing, cheering]

720
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:55,400
-"All right, Paul."
-[audience laughing]

721
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:57,200
"Yeah, that is okay with me."

722
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,920
-[audience laughing]
-"All right."

723
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:01,520
[audience laughing]

724
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,120
<i>-"Da."</i>
-[audience laughing]

725
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:08,000
-"Who the fuck are you?"
-[audience laughing]

726
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:11,040
-"KGB!"
-[audience laughing, cheering]

727
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,920
-Uh.
-[audience cheers, applauds]

728
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:16,640
[Vir] Oh.

729
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,360
-I'll get us back in the show, um.
-[audience laughing]

730
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:22,480
Speaking of failed anal, any parents here?

731
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:24,200
[audience laughing]

732
00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:27,320
-It's a transition.
-[audience laughing]

733
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,520
You know, it's your job to tell them lies.
Make them believe in miracles.

734
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:34,280
Fucking God, Tooth Fairy, tax refunds.
That comes from you.

735
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:36,080
[audience laughing]

736
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:39,320
Like do you remember
the day you went out into the real world

737
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:43,320
-and discovered your parents are morons?
-[audience laughing]

738
00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:47,760
-I was six.
-[audience laughs, applauds]

739
00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:52,080
My father and I, we were on the balcony
looking up at the stars,

740
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:54,360
and I was like,
"Papa, what are the stars?"

741
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,080
My father, without missing a beat,

742
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,400
he's like, "Vir, there is a bright light
up in heaven."

743
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,720
"That light used to blind human beings."

744
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,520
"So, God took a black chart paper
and put it between heaven and Earth."

745
00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:06,400
[audience laughing, applauding]

746
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:10,040
"Then God took a pencil
and punctured holes in the chart paper."

747
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,600
-[audience laughing]
-"That became heaven's light."

748
00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:15,360
-And I was like, "My daddy is awesome."
-[audience laughing]

749
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:18,800
And I took that information
and went to real school.

750
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,040
[audience laughing]

751
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:23,760
And I discovered,
no, my dad is on drugs apparently.

752
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:25,520
[audience laughing, applauding]

753
00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,760
I was all passive-aggressive
with my teacher for no reason.

754
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:32,360
My teacher's like,
"A star is a burning mass of hydrogen."

755
00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:34,800
I'm like, "This bitch doesn't know
about the chart paper!"

756
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,200
[audience laughing, applauding]

757
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:41,200
She is like, "Your father's wrong."

758
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:43,920
I am like, "Get my dad's name
out of your fucking mouth!"

759
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,480
-[imitates slapping sound]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

760
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,000
Relax. Relax, babe.

761
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:54,600
I would never slap a teacher.
Their salaries do that.

762
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:58,280
[audience groaning, applauding]

763
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,480
Do you remember
touching another human being's body

764
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:04,440
but you hadn't seen
so much porn and Instagram

765
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,360
that their body felt like a miracle?

766
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,960
Like the first time
I took a girl's shirt off,

767
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:13,320
-I was 16 years old and I believed…
-[audience laughing]

768
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,600
…that if I push this breast in,
the other one would become bigger.

769
00:35:16,720 --> 00:35:18,480
[audience laughing, applauding]

770
00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,360
[chuckles] Don't judge me.
She felt the same way about my balls.

771
00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:25,440
All right, she was like,
"If I squeeze him,

772
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,080
-he'll go to the neighbor's house."
-[audience laughing]

773
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:30,520
This is geopolitics.
That's all it is, right?

774
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:32,480
-[audience laughing]
-Apply pressure to the smaller community.

775
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,400
Grow the larger community
and cause migration.

776
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,720
-That's all it is. Yeah! Yeah!
-[audience laughing, applauding]

777
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:43,120
We hunt for miracles,
and I submit to you that they still exist.

778
00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:45,680
Hear me out for a second,
New York, New Jersey.

779
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,760
-Um.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

780
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:49,680
This…

781
00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:54,040
This microphone is a miracle.
Hear me out.

782
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,520
A microphone was invented 144 years ago.

783
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,360
It has changed the world
more than any man alive.

784
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:02,760
A microphone started World War Two.

785
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:07,240
A microphone liberated Black people.
A microphone oppressed Jewish people.

786
00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:09,960
There are parts of the world
where this enables

787
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,160
big people to talk about small things.

788
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,000
In my part of the world,

789
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,960
this enables small people to talk
about big things.

790
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,280
The reason I am always in trouble…

791
00:36:22,320 --> 00:36:24,360
[audience laughing]

792
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:26,920
…is because I discovered
the power of this microphone

793
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,240
when I was eight years old.

794
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:30,400
Tonight, New York City,
I'd love to tell you that story.

795
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:34,520
-Would you like to hear that story?
-[audience cheering, applauding]

796
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:36,000
I went to a fucked up boarding school

797
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,280
-where a lot of strange shit happened.
-[audience laughing]

798
00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,880
Violence is an integral part
of the Indian schooling system.

799
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:45,040
-Indians, have we been beaten?
-[audience] Yes!

800
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,080
-With equipment?
-[audience] Yes!

801
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,440
With cricket bats-- Commonwealth Games
of child abuse. Really.

802
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:51,560
[audience laughing]

803
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,720
I was once beaten
with a table tennis racquet for two hours.

804
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:55,720
[audience laughing]

805
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:58,120
Do you know the level of skill
and precision you need?

806
00:36:58,200 --> 00:36:59,440
[audience laughing]

807
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,000
Even the victim is like,
"This is impressive. Carry on. Please."

808
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:03,240
[audience laughing]

809
00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:05,520
"Just use the dotted side.
I enjoy the exfoliation."

810
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,120
[audience laughing]

811
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:10,880
We're beaten so much in school,
we don't remember anything from school.

812
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:14,680
All Indians just remember
one useless equation

813
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:17,600
and turns out it's a metaphor
for our entire lives.

814
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,920
For some reason,
every Indian here tonight remembers

815
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:28,000
-that a plus b whole square…
-[audience cheering, applauding]

816
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:30,000
Ready? Yeah?

817
00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:32,440
-Deep breath.
-[audience laughing]

818
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,880
-[audience] Is equal to--
-Not yet! [chuckles]

819
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:37,440
-[audience laughing]
-[shivers]

820
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,560
-Having, like, a mathematical monsoon.
-[audience laughing]

821
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:43,640
-Wait for me, man.
-[audience laughing]

822
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:47,920
All right, here we go.
A plus b whole square is equal to

823
00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,600
-A square plus b square…
-[audience] A square plus b square

824
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,640
-plus 2ab.
-…plus 2ab.

825
00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,480
-Why do we remember this shit?
-[audience laughing]

826
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:57,520
But there are three types
of people in the world.

827
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:03,560
-Those who know about the 2ab.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

828
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:06,040
-Those who forgot about the 2ab.
-[audience laughing]

829
00:38:06,120 --> 00:38:11,160
-And guys who think the 2ab is magic.
-[audience laughing]

830
00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:13,320
And we made the third guy--
I can't even-- I am not--

831
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:16,440
[audience cheering, applauding]

832
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:25,320
What happens to you in school
will stay with you your entire lives?

833
00:38:25,480 --> 00:38:26,880
-[audience] Yes.
-Sexually?

834
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:29,960
-[audience laughing]
-You bailed on me. I am disappointed.

835
00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:33,200
-Can I do a sex story now? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]

836
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,400
So, check this out. I was hooking up
with this girl, all right?

837
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:36,720
[audience laughing]

838
00:38:36,800 --> 00:38:41,320
And, like, I was like, "What do you like?"
And she was like, "Vir, choke me."

839
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:44,280
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-And I was like, "No!"

840
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,280
[audience laughing]

841
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,800
And she's like, "It's my fetish.
I want you to choke me."

842
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:53,800
-And I was like, "No means no!"
-[audience laughing]

843
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,000
And she's like,
"Ooh, what are you? Sensitive?"

844
00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:59,280
-And I was like, "No, I am famous!"
-[audience laughing]

845
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:03,040
And she's like, "I give you consent.
Choke me." So, I was like, "Fine."

846
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,080
So, three weeks later,
after lawyers had drawn up, like,

847
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,240
non-disclosure agreements,

848
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,160
-stamp paper notary.
-[audience laughing]

849
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:12,200
And she's like, "Now is your moment."
And I went like… [mumbles]

850
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:15,360
-[audience laughing]
-Scary for the choker also.

851
00:39:16,240 --> 00:39:19,080
She's like, "Come on, be a man!"
[chuckles] I was like, "Fine!"

852
00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:23,920
-[audience laughing]
-"You like that, Mrs. Patel?"

853
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:26,400
[audience laughing, applauding]

854
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,680
She was like,
"Who the fuck is Mrs. Patel?"

855
00:39:29,240 --> 00:39:31,360
I am like, "That's my Maths teacher
from class nine."

856
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:35,960
[audience laughing, applauding]

857
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:38,760
She's like, "Is this sexual for you?"

858
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,680
I was like, "No, it's mostly justice.
But you do you, madam."

859
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:46,240
[audience laughing, applauding]

860
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,120
I was once beaten by a prefect two weeks
in a row with a hockey stick.

861
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:51,160
I don't wanna say his name.

862
00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:53,760
I don't want legal trouble.
It was Mohit Singhal and…

863
00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:57,720
[audience laughing, applauding]

864
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,760
There was a debate happening in school.
This boy was ten years older than I was.

865
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,440
I remember he went up on stage
and began his debate with a joke.

866
00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:11,000
The joke was this.
"Good evening, everyone."

867
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:14,080
"You're walking in the jungle
and you meet a lion."

868
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:15,200
"What time is it?"

869
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:20,000
-[grunts] "Time to run."
-[audience laughing]

870
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:24,960
I still can't tell you
why I raised my hand.

871
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:29,200
-[audience laughing]
-I went up on stage to ask him a question.

872
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,960
I remember holding onto this microphone

873
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:35,560
and feeling something
I'd never felt before. Strength.

874
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:39,240
You know, I couldn't sit
but suddenly I could stand.

875
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,600
Looking at this boy
who was ten years older than I was,

876
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:46,200
and seeing something
I had never seen before. Fear.

877
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:49,600
-[audience laughing]
-And letting it fill me up.

878
00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:52,480
I mean, call it courage,
call it what you like. Right?

879
00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:56,040
And somehow being able to be like,
"I just want to tell you…"

880
00:40:56,160 --> 00:40:57,440
[audience laughing]

881
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:01,720
"…Mohit Singhal,
that if you are walking in the jungle

882
00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:06,040
and you meet a lion, it's not time to run,
it's time to die, bitch."

883
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,120
-Now…
-[audience laughing]

884
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:11,640
…the school laughed! My God, they laughed.

885
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:14,120
And I learnt the most
important lesson of my life

886
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:15,960
that words have meaning.

887
00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:20,760
Words cause and defeat violence.
Words are memorable.

888
00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:23,920
I was on cloud nine as I walked
to dinner that evening.

889
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:27,640
And something came out of a bush
and pulled me into that bush.

890
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:30,760
-And it was Mohit Singhal.
-[audience laughing]

891
00:41:30,840 --> 00:41:36,840
-And he said, "What time is it?"
-[audience laughing, applauding]

892
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,440
-And I said, "Time to die." [chuckles]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

893
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:44,360
He beat me for two more hours,

894
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,320
but he couldn't beat
the smile off my face.

895
00:41:46,400 --> 00:41:49,960
I remember just lying on the floor,
bleeding uncontrollably,

896
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:53,480
just laughing because I was like,
"Oh, shit, I deserve this."

897
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,160
-[audience laughing]
-"But this is funny."

898
00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,600
"I can see jokes from here.
I think I like it here."

899
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:04,280
I belong on the floor.
The floor is my home.

900
00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:09,400
And this is freedom. I swear to God.
It is! It is freedom that I think about,

901
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:12,440
that I obsess about
on an Air India flight…

902
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:16,320
-[audience laughing]
-…from Newark to Mumbai.

903
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:17,360
[audience cheering]

904
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:19,640
An Air India air hostess
offers me a glass of gin.

905
00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:21,880
I refuse. She says,
"Mr. Das, come with me."

906
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:26,760
Takes me to the front of the plane.
In the silence of a sleeping aircraft,

907
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:29,920
this old lady puts her arms around me
and I start to cry.

908
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:34,480
And she just comforts me like a pro.
Like this happens every day on Air India.

909
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:37,560
[audience laughing]

910
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:39,640
Possibly after people try
the non-veg meal.

911
00:42:39,720 --> 00:42:43,960
[audience laughing, applauding]

912
00:42:44,040 --> 00:42:47,120
And she is like,
"I saw the video. I loved it."

913
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:50,000
"Now, whatever happens,
you stand up straight, son!"

914
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,160
"I know exactly
what you are going through."

915
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,480
And I say, "Auntie, with all due respect…"

916
00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:55,920
[audience laughing]

917
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:57,400
[chuckles] "…I am not sure you do."

918
00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:01,200
And she says, "Don't be silly.
Don't you and me have the same job?"

919
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:05,080
"We're both just expected
to serve angry uncles."

920
00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:07,760
[audience laughing]

921
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:14,800
[audience cheering, applauding]

922
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:18,320
Sometimes all you need in life
is an Air India auntie, you know?

923
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:20,560
-[audience laughing]
-And I-- Look, I'm not arrogant, New York.

924
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,120
I know why the uncles are angry.
I get it. Right?

925
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,280
They love their country.
I would never judge anybody for that.

926
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:27,520
Do you love your country? Yeah?

927
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,280
-[audience cheering]
-Well, most of them love their country.

928
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:33,960
-The rest are nationalists but…
-[audience laughing]

929
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,360
-We'll unpack it.
-[man] Whoo!

930
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:38,080
In every country in the world

931
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:40,320
there are patriots
and there are nationalists.

932
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:43,720
Patriots love their country
and just do things about it.

933
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:47,200
Nationalists love themselves
and the cult of themselves

934
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:49,360
and they use their country
to advertise it.

935
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:51,440
It's just narcissism with a flag.

936
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:54,280
Don't ever let anyone tell you
how to love your own country.

937
00:43:54,360 --> 00:44:00,520
-[inhales sharply]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

938
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,360
Now, that feels like information

939
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:08,640
that you will soon speak at a party
and pass off as your own.

940
00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:13,640
-[audience laughing]
-It is fine but if you ever are in danger,

941
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:15,560
and people start beating you
and they are like,

942
00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:17,520
"Where the fuck did you
learn this nonsense?"

943
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:21,880
I need you to remember that
my name is Aziz Ansari. All right?

944
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:24,200
[audience laughing]

945
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:28,880
[audience applauding, cheering]

946
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,920
-Or Hasan Minhaj.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

947
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:36,800
-Same passport.
-[audience laughing]

948
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:40,400
We arrive in Mumbai drunk on gin.
Well done, Auntie.

949
00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:43,800
There are 200 paparazzi
waiting for us at the airport.

950
00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,160
I am no way even near that kind of famous.

951
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,160
They follow us
across the airport in silence.

952
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,600
They wait outside our house
for ten days in silence.

953
00:44:52,680 --> 00:44:54,320
It is just silent.

954
00:44:55,240 --> 00:44:58,560
After ten days, I call my lawyers
and I am like, "Are we okay?"

955
00:44:58,640 --> 00:45:00,280
And they are like,
"Yeah, we are rich, bitch."

956
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:06,640
-And I am like, "Not you! Am I okay?"
-[audience laughing, applauding]

957
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:09,840
They are like,
"Vir, these are police cases."

958
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:10,920
"The police will decide

959
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:13,200
whether to convert them
into charge sheets or not."

960
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:16,680
It takes 35 very long days.

961
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:19,880
In seven different
police stations in India,

962
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:24,600
in seven different cities,
the police are shown my video.

963
00:45:24,720 --> 00:45:27,600
One by one they all say,
"This is not a problem."

964
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,440
"We agree with this man.
We are not going to take action."

965
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:34,080
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-I…

966
00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:39,800
And it's actually kind of breath-taking
if you think about it.

967
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:45,240
Comedians aren't brave.
The police! Now, that is punching up!

968
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:50,840
[audience applauding, cheering]

969
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:53,520
On the night that I was called
a terrorist in my home country,

970
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,320
I was nominated for an Emmy Award.

971
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:59,080
-[inhales] I was… [chuckles]
-[audience cheering, applauding]

972
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:04,960
I was in New York for the Emmys
for a show called<i> Vir Das: For India</i>

973
00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:08,720
-for which I already had a legal case.
-[audience laughing]

974
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:10,920
By the time I walked the red carpet,
I had seven more.

975
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:13,160
-[audience laughing]
-So, I just had to fake it, right?

976
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:14,760
I was on the red carpet
and they were like,

977
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:17,880
"Vir, how does it feel
to be in America right now?"

978
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:20,360
And I'm like, "It's good to be
outside of India. I am not gonna lie."

979
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:23,560
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-It's good to be traveling.

980
00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:26,680
"Do you feel like people
are excited for you back home?"

981
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:29,480
-"Well, they are not calm."
-[audience laughing]

982
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:31,200
"What are you gonna say if you win?"

983
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:35,080
-"'Help!' I don't know!"
-[audience laughing]

984
00:46:35,280 --> 00:46:37,840
I just remember feeling
an intense sense of shame.

985
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:41,480
"God, please don't let me win.
It will really piss them off. Please!"

986
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,760
"Don't let me win.
It will really piss them off."

987
00:46:43,840 --> 00:46:46,160
And then I didn't win
and it just pissed me off.

988
00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:49,760
-[audience laughing]
-I lost to this big French show

989
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:52,800
and there were all these gorgeous
French men walking around

990
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:54,520
and they had heard what happened to me.

991
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,280
And they came over and were like,
"We heard what happened to you."

992
00:46:57,360 --> 00:46:59,560
-"It must be very stressful."
-[audience laughing]

993
00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:01,920
"Listen, many of us are going
to have sex later tonight."

994
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:03,440
-[audience laughing]
-"You are…

995
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:06,760
You're a beautiful man. You can join.
We will relieve your stress."

996
00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:11,400
[audience laughing]

997
00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:16,160
And I was like, "You're having an orgy
to celebrate your Emmy?"

998
00:47:16,520 --> 00:47:18,320
And he's like, "No,
it's Monday, so…" [mumbles]

999
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,560
[audience laughing]

1000
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:22,560
I am like, "You know, sir,
I appreciate the offer,

1001
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:23,920
but like, if I get caught,

1002
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,160
that's a very bad headline
for me right now."

1003
00:47:26,240 --> 00:47:27,240
[audience laughing]

1004
00:47:27,320 --> 00:47:30,680
"Vir Das ostracized and sodomized
by two different countries."

1005
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:34,080
-[audience laughing]
-Two very different penal codes.

1006
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:39,160
[audience laughing, applauding]

1007
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:41,840
He is like, "No, I understand,
but if you don't want to,

1008
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:43,800
then there is a field next door.
You…" [chuckles]

1009
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:47,720
[audience laughing, applauding]

1010
00:47:47,800 --> 00:47:51,040
Every time I get nominated for an award,
some shit goes down.

1011
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:54,640
Ten years ago, I was nominated
for a Filmfare Award.

1012
00:47:54,760 --> 00:47:58,800
-[audience cheering]
-Your ironic response is appropriate.

1013
00:47:58,880 --> 00:47:59,960
[audience laughing]

1014
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:02,280
Filmfare Awards, guys,
are a very big deal.

1015
00:48:02,360 --> 00:48:04,600
-They are like our Oscar Awards.
-[audience laughing]

1016
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,000
Except the Oscars
are way more expensive to buy.

1017
00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:09,280
-[audience laughing]
-I'd never been before.

1018
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:12,720
So, Filmfare sent me a pass
that sticks to the inside of your car.

1019
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:17,960
The pass says V-V-V-VIP.
Full form, VVVVIP!!

1020
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,800
[audience laughing]

1021
00:48:20,880 --> 00:48:23,760
I'd never been, so I stuck the pass
on the outside of my windscreen.

1022
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:26,760
-[audience laughing]
-I am on the Western Express Highway.

1023
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:33,360
Out of the corner of my eye,
I see a V-V-V-VIP pass go vvvvip…

1024
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:36,280
-[audience laughing]
-…stick to an auto rickshaw and fuck off.

1025
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:40,320
This is what I mean
about Indian privilege. Very volatile.

1026
00:48:40,400 --> 00:48:42,320
[audience laughing]

1027
00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:46,040
I, meanwhile, am stuck outside
the gates of Filmcity trying to convince

1028
00:48:46,240 --> 00:48:49,440
the security guard that
I am an actor in movies. [chuckles]

1029
00:48:49,600 --> 00:48:51,920
And I swear to God, verbatim,
he looks at me and he's like,

1030
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:54,640
"If you are an actor in movies,
I am an actor in movies."

1031
00:48:54,720 --> 00:48:58,440
[audience laughing, applauding]

1032
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,600
So, now, I spend another hour
trying to convince the security guard

1033
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:04,360
-that he could be an actor in movies.
-[audience laughing]

1034
00:49:04,440 --> 00:49:06,440
And he's like, "No, sir,
if I can be an actor in movies,

1035
00:49:06,520 --> 00:49:08,160
-you can be an actor in movies."
-[audience laughing]

1036
00:49:08,240 --> 00:49:09,640
And he's like, "What?"
And I am like, "What?"

1037
00:49:09,720 --> 00:49:13,080
-And I go inside. I am a Jedi.
-[audience laughing]

1038
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:16,560
As I get to the Filmfare Awards,
they tell me that my producer, Aamir Khan,

1039
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:20,200
has boycotted these awards.
Has not submitted any footage of mine

1040
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:22,280
to play for when they announce
my nomination.

1041
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:23,920
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah!

1042
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:26,680
Americans, you will not know
who these actors are,

1043
00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:29,840
but they are very, very talented.
Deserve their nominations.

1044
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:32,600
The lights get dim.
They are like, "And now,

1045
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:38,680
the nominee for the best supporting actor
at the Manikchand Pan Pasand…"

1046
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:41,360
[audience laughing, applauding]

1047
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:45,840
"…travel partner, Expedia,
hair partner, Sunsilk,

1048
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:50,680
makeup partner, L'Oréal,
partner-partner, Shaadi.com,

1049
00:49:51,240 --> 00:49:53,920
herpes partner, Durex Filmfare Awards…

1050
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:57,960
for <i>Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara,</i>
Farhan Akhtar."

1051
00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:02,840
And a beautiful 20-second clip
of that man acting plays on two screens.

1052
00:50:03,920 --> 00:50:06,000
For <i>Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara,</i>
Abhay Deol.

1053
00:50:06,080 --> 00:50:11,240
And a beautiful 20-second clip
of that man acting plays on two screens.

1054
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:17,840
-And for <i>Delhi Belly,</i> Vir Das.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1055
00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:24,160
-And a passport photograph!
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1056
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:31,760
-A still photo for 20 seconds.
-[audience laughing]

1057
00:50:31,840 --> 00:50:33,320
[chuckling] In silence!

1058
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:37,840
Twenty seconds of silence in a live show
is excruciating, you fucking…

1059
00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:43,120
[audience laughing]

1060
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:48,720
-[mouthing]
-[audience laughing]

1061
00:50:50,240 --> 00:50:54,520
-[mouthing]
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1062
00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:59,880
[audience laughing, applauding]

1063
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:05,960
-It looked like I had died.
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1064
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:09,960
This was my in-memoriam moment of silence.
Everybody got all sad and shit.

1065
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:12,640
They stood up. They were like,
"Oh, my God, he died so young."

1066
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:14,440
-[audience laughing]
-"Who is he?"

1067
00:51:15,240 --> 00:51:17,560
Then they put the camera on me.
I didn't know what to do.

1068
00:51:17,640 --> 00:51:20,160
So, I mourned myself.
I am like, "Dead, dead, dead."

1069
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:24,720
[audience laughing, applauding]

1070
00:51:24,800 --> 00:51:27,440
He is not dead yet. He is gonna
kill himself tonight. [chuckles]

1071
00:51:27,520 --> 00:51:29,600
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

1072
00:51:30,720 --> 00:51:34,480
And I-- I thought about it that night.
I thought about it the night of the Emmys.

1073
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:37,320
[clears throat] Look.

1074
00:51:39,480 --> 00:51:40,480
I would not wish…

1075
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:46,160
feeling like you have let
your country down on my worst enemy.

1076
00:51:46,240 --> 00:51:49,120
I wouldn't. And I-- [hesitates]

1077
00:51:49,200 --> 00:51:51,920
I was clear that day and I am clear
standing before you right now.

1078
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:53,800
If I have ever created a world in which

1079
00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:57,800
I don't get to touch a microphone,
I have zero interest in that world.

1080
00:51:59,520 --> 00:52:00,640
I just remember standing like--

1081
00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:04,320
I was at this fancy hotel called
The Beekman in New York and every floor--

1082
00:52:04,400 --> 00:52:06,560
It was hollow on the inside
and it overlooked the lobby

1083
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:09,480
and I just remember standing
on my floor just thinking,

1084
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:11,480
"Oh, I fucked it up. I…"

1085
00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,560
"They are never gonna let me--
I should jump."

1086
00:52:14,680 --> 00:52:16,840
"You know,
I'm in this fancy Emmy outfit--"

1087
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:18,840
"They can send me off
in the outfit. It's perfect."

1088
00:52:18,920 --> 00:52:19,800
[audience laughing]

1089
00:52:20,120 --> 00:52:23,440
But then I remembered that my wife
is sleeping in the other room

1090
00:52:23,520 --> 00:52:28,080
-and that's an awkward checkout.
-[audience laughing]

1091
00:52:28,160 --> 00:52:30,600
-From the hotel.
-[audience laughing]

1092
00:52:30,680 --> 00:52:31,600
And life.

1093
00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:34,280
Plus, this is a hotel in New York City.

1094
00:52:34,360 --> 00:52:36,280
If I just land in the lobby…
[imitates crash]

1095
00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:38,840
I'll scare the shit out of three countries
minimum, right? [chuckles]

1096
00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:41,280
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckling] Some British person is like,

1097
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:44,160
"All right, yeah, do you have Netflix?"
[imitates crash]

1098
00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:46,680
"I am sorry. There is a dead Indian
in the lobby here."

1099
00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:47,880
[audience laughing]

1100
00:52:47,960 --> 00:52:50,360
"What's going on? Do they want
independence again? What's up?"

1101
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:53,080
[audience laughing, applauding]

1102
00:52:53,280 --> 00:52:54,760
Two American girls are at the bar.

1103
00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:57,600
Just like, "Angela,
he doesn't deserve you."

1104
00:52:57,680 --> 00:53:01,360
-[audience laughing]
-"You should leave him."

1105
00:53:01,440 --> 00:53:03,960
[imitates crash]
"But life is short, you know."

1106
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:07,120
[audience laughing, applauding]

1107
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:09,760
"Go in the woods. It'll be fine."
[chuckles]

1108
00:53:11,280 --> 00:53:14,400
Some kid is on Instagram in the lobby.
Suddenly… [imitates crash]

1109
00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:15,840
Boop.

1110
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:18,880
<i>♪ Someday you leave this world behind ♪</i>

1111
00:53:18,960 --> 00:53:20,000
-[grunts]
-[audience laughing]

1112
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:21,520
[Vir] ♪ <i>So, live a life ♪</i>

1113
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:23,480
<i>♪ You can remember ♪</i>

1114
00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:26,240
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles]

1115
00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:28,960
But I am like, "No,
I am not going in the darkness."

1116
00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:31,320
"If I go, I'll go in sunlight like a man."

1117
00:53:32,240 --> 00:53:35,680
So, I just smoke cigarettes,
look to God's chart paper and… [inhales]

1118
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:38,320
[audience laughing]

1119
00:53:39,720 --> 00:53:42,040
At midnight, my management
from India calls.

1120
00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:46,680
Every producer, director,
movie studio, venue,

1121
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:49,200
sponsor, client, canceled on me.

1122
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:54,680
And I was like, "I get it, but I…
I have mouths to f…"

1123
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:58,480
They are like, "Vir, nobody will work
with you right now."

1124
00:53:58,840 --> 00:54:01,960
"You have a social media following.
So maybe…"

1125
00:54:03,720 --> 00:54:08,040
-"So, I am an influencer?"
-[audience laughing]

1126
00:54:08,240 --> 00:54:12,200
-"Fuck sunlight! Let's jump right now."
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1127
00:54:12,280 --> 00:54:14,480
So, I did the one thing
that every artist does

1128
00:54:14,560 --> 00:54:16,560
when they realize their career's over.

1129
00:54:16,640 --> 00:54:19,120
-[inhales] Drugs.
-[audience laughing]

1130
00:54:19,200 --> 00:54:21,480
I got high as balls. I smoked weed.

1131
00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:24,360
And when I did, I remembered
why I don't smoke weed.

1132
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:25,520
[audience laughing]

1133
00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:29,680
It's because weed doesn't relax me.
It just makes me erect and afraid.

1134
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:34,040
-[audience laughing]
-Which is my least favorite kind of erect.

1135
00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:36,840
-[audience laughing]
-And my favorite kind of afraid but…

1136
00:54:36,920 --> 00:54:39,840
[audience laughing]

1137
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:43,320
This is a weird combination, right?
This is why-- Horny and scared.

1138
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:45,880
This is why I don't do drugs
at music festivals. Right, like…

1139
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:46,880
[audience laughing]

1140
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:50,200
I don't wanna be at a Coldplay
concert like, "Look at the stars!"

1141
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:56,440
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[vocalizing]

1142
00:54:57,240 --> 00:54:58,320
[chuckling] So now,

1143
00:54:58,640 --> 00:55:01,160
I can't even commit suicide
because all I keep thinking about is,

1144
00:55:01,240 --> 00:55:03,440
what if I jump, land on it and don't die?

1145
00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:07,040
-[audience laughing]
-Bro…

1146
00:55:07,240 --> 00:55:09,560
Even if I do die,
this is a horrible obituary.

1147
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:13,440
"Vir Das was found naked,
dead, alone, afraid

1148
00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:17,200
in a large hotel lobby in New York
with a medium-sized hard-on."

1149
00:55:17,280 --> 00:55:18,840
[audience laughing]

1150
00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:20,560
"He was a stand-up till the end."

1151
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:23,320
[audience laughing]

1152
00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:25,760
[audience applauding, cheering]

1153
00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:29,320
After two months, my family is allowed
to turn our phones on again.

1154
00:55:30,040 --> 00:55:33,520
They explode. It's not hatred. It's love.

1155
00:55:34,560 --> 00:55:39,240
Millions and millions of messages
of kindness from across the world.

1156
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:45,560
-It is… direct messages.
-[audience laughing]

1157
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:47,760
And then all your tickets sell out
in five minutes.

1158
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:51,920
[audience cheering, applauding]

1159
00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:54,560
And everyone from Bollywood calls
and now wants to…

1160
00:55:54,640 --> 00:55:56,320
-[audience laughing]
-And everywhere you go,

1161
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:59,560
people meet you with love,
and warmth, and kindness,

1162
00:55:59,640 --> 00:56:02,920
and you meet them
with suspicion and resentment.

1163
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:04,800
-[audience laughing]
-You do because you are like,

1164
00:56:04,880 --> 00:56:07,240
"Where the fuck were you
when I needed you?"

1165
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:11,160
"When my world was burning,
when my family was under fire,

1166
00:56:11,240 --> 00:56:14,560
where the fuck was your voice?
I thought you didn't exist!"

1167
00:56:17,720 --> 00:56:20,080
And then you grow up
a little bit. [chuckles]

1168
00:56:20,160 --> 00:56:22,880
-[audience laughing]
-You stop feeling sorry for yourself.

1169
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:24,640
And you realize that…

1170
00:56:26,240 --> 00:56:28,760
hate is yelled but love is felt.

1171
00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:33,720
It is unfair to expect people
to yell love.

1172
00:56:33,880 --> 00:56:36,600
You should just be grateful
that they feel it in the first place

1173
00:56:36,680 --> 00:56:39,480
and then trust that it will always
outlast the hate.

1174
00:56:39,560 --> 00:56:42,400
And that's not even history.
That's just basic <i>Harry Potter.</i>

1175
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:44,760
[audience laughing]

1176
00:56:44,840 --> 00:56:47,240
But if you are ever
at the receiving end of hate,

1177
00:56:47,520 --> 00:56:50,240
or feel like your nation is lost in it,
from my family to you,

1178
00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:53,600
I just want you to know that
love is always playing right underneath.

1179
00:56:53,680 --> 00:56:56,040
You just can't hear it in the darkness.

1180
00:56:56,120 --> 00:56:58,280
You got to hang out till sunlight
and you'll hear it.

1181
00:56:58,640 --> 00:57:00,960
It's soft but it's not weak.
I promise you.

1182
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:03,720
The problem is,
they just both play at the same time.

1183
00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:06,120
It's almost like
we come from two… [inhales]

1184
00:57:06,760 --> 00:57:09,320
[audience laughing]

1185
00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:16,120
[audience applauding, cheering]

1186
00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:22,560
-I don't repeat jokes.
-[audience laughing]

1187
00:57:22,680 --> 00:57:24,800
And then what? You are supposed
to go back to doing this again

1188
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:26,920
like nothing ever happened, but it did.

1189
00:57:27,840 --> 00:57:31,200
I mourned my whole career.
I never thought I'd see you again.

1190
00:57:32,960 --> 00:57:35,520
So, now, you and me,
back in the same room together.

1191
00:57:36,000 --> 00:57:37,520
This is an unplanned blessing

1192
00:57:37,600 --> 00:57:40,640
that I could not be more
grateful for in my heart.

1193
00:57:40,720 --> 00:57:42,480
-[audience cheering]
-[hesitates]

1194
00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:46,920
But it's… It's different.
I have nothing left to lose.

1195
00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:49,400
I have no one left to impress.

1196
00:57:49,480 --> 00:57:53,760
I will never be mainstream
or cool again. I am finished.

1197
00:57:55,120 --> 00:57:56,120
But I am free.

1198
00:57:57,640 --> 00:58:01,800
It's like for the longest time you and me,
we just co-existed, right? A plus b!

1199
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:05,080
[audience laughing, applauding]

1200
00:58:05,160 --> 00:58:07,840
And then some shit happened
and somebody whole squared us.

1201
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:11,640
-[audience laughing]
-And now I feel like b square

1202
00:58:11,720 --> 00:58:14,760
and all I wanna do
is make you feel like a square.

1203
00:58:14,840 --> 00:58:18,680
And whatever happens next,
the sound of your laughter, that's 2ab.

1204
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:25,800
-We can make magic together.
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1205
00:58:29,760 --> 00:58:33,800
I will never defame India
on foreign soil ever again.

1206
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:37,560
So now, I just carry Indian soil
with me wherever I go.

1207
00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:43,320
[audience cheering, applauding]

1208
00:58:53,560 --> 00:58:56,280
Tonight, you are watching the performance
from a comedian from Mumbai

1209
00:58:56,360 --> 00:58:58,840
on the actual sands of Juhu Beach…

1210
00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:04,000
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-…that I travel with.

1211
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:06,400
Every single time I made fun
of my country tonight,

1212
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:08,920
I made sure
I was standing on Indian soil.

1213
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,080
-[audience laughing]
-I timed every word to my feet.

1214
00:59:11,160 --> 00:59:13,080
Don't believe me?
Watch my special again!

1215
00:59:13,160 --> 00:59:14,640
[audience laughing]

1216
00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:17,200
This is an awkward conversation
with customs by the way.

1217
00:59:18,520 --> 00:59:21,560
They are just like, "Sir, why are you
traveling with a suitcase full of sand?"

1218
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:23,800
-I am like, "Patriotism!"
-[audience laughing]

1219
00:59:23,880 --> 00:59:27,120
There aren't even that many airlines that
will let you check in a bag full of sand.

1220
00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:32,240
-But there is one!
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1221
00:59:32,320 --> 00:59:35,280
I don't care where I go from here,
I take Mumbai sand with me.

1222
00:59:35,360 --> 00:59:37,280
And we are flying Air India,
ladies and gentlemen.

1223
00:59:37,360 --> 00:59:40,200
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And if you have ever flown Emirates,

1224
00:59:40,280 --> 00:59:42,400
you know what a goddamn
compromise that is.

1225
00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:44,920
-[audience laughing]
-Have you flown Emirates here?

1226
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:46,160
-[audience cheering]
-[mumbles]

1227
00:59:46,240 --> 00:59:49,160
-Maybe not you guys but still, you know.
-[audience laughing]

1228
00:59:49,240 --> 00:59:51,800
-[chuckles] I am sorry.
-[audience applauding]

1229
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:54,080
Just getting emotional.
I had to bring it back. I am sorry.

1230
00:59:54,280 --> 00:59:57,640
-I am sure you will, someday.
-[audience laughing, cheering]

1231
00:59:57,760 --> 00:59:59,480
-Just work hard.
-[audience laughing]

1232
00:59:59,560 --> 01:00:02,040
-Or sleep with these guys.
-[audience laughing]

1233
01:00:02,120 --> 01:00:05,720
[audience cheering, applauding]

1234
01:00:05,800 --> 01:00:08,800
This is my final story for the evening.
It is a very privileged story.

1235
01:00:08,880 --> 01:00:11,040
But I will endear myself to you
through the course of this story.

1236
01:00:11,120 --> 01:00:13,960
-Are we ready? Yeah?
-[audience cheering]

1237
01:00:14,040 --> 01:00:16,000
So, I was flying first-class
on Emirates, guys.

1238
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:17,800
-And, uh…
-[audience laughing]

1239
01:00:17,880 --> 01:00:20,240
That first-class seat is tremendous.
Have you seen it? Yeah?

1240
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:24,600
-You walk by it on your way to…
-[audience laughing]

1241
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:28,080
Airhostess is one of the most
beautiful women I have ever seen.

1242
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:30,800
She comes up. She is like,
"Mr. Das, there's a shower."

1243
01:00:32,320 --> 01:00:34,800
Would you like to shower
an hour before landing

1244
01:00:34,880 --> 01:00:36,720
or two hours before landing?"

1245
01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:41,240
And I was so taken with her beauty.
I thought she meant with her.

1246
01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:43,120
[audience laughing, applauding]

1247
01:00:43,200 --> 01:00:45,240
I was like, "Madam, this is the number
one airline in the world."

1248
01:00:45,320 --> 01:00:46,520
[audience laughing]

1249
01:00:46,600 --> 01:00:48,240
"UNESCO voted number one
airline in the world."

1250
01:00:48,320 --> 01:00:50,000
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]

1251
01:00:50,080 --> 01:00:53,680
Then you go to first class.
There's a bathroom in first class!

1252
01:00:53,760 --> 01:00:56,960
It's the size of an apartment!
Your apartment. But still, you know…

1253
01:00:57,040 --> 01:00:59,240
[audience laughing, applauding]

1254
01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:02,360
They give you one towel.
You get naked. I start to…

1255
01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:04,600
This is not how I shower.
I am sorry. [chuckles]

1256
01:01:04,680 --> 01:01:05,600
[audience laughing]

1257
01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:07,680
All Indians don't shower
in Bollywood movies.

1258
01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:09,040
That's not how this works.

1259
01:01:09,360 --> 01:01:12,280
No, I just get the soap, right?
And I am <i>jhaaging</i> up and…

1260
01:01:12,360 --> 01:01:16,000
-[audience laughing]
-What the fuck?

1261
01:01:16,080 --> 01:01:17,600
[audience laughing]

1262
01:01:17,680 --> 01:01:19,640
What do you say in New York
if you don't say <i>"jhaaging</i> up"?

1263
01:01:19,720 --> 01:01:21,080
-What's the word?
-[woman] Lather?

1264
01:01:21,160 --> 01:01:23,480
Lather? Lather, madam? Lather?

1265
01:01:24,600 --> 01:01:27,840
-With respect-- [spits] All right?
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1266
01:01:27,920 --> 01:01:30,720
-I am very sorry. I don't mean to…
-[audience cheering, applauding]

1267
01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:32,680
But I just-- Lather has super, like…

1268
01:01:32,840 --> 01:01:35,920
"My name is Sandeep
but call me Sandy" energy, you know?

1269
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:38,440
-[audience laughing]
-Now, there's a green light.

1270
01:01:38,520 --> 01:01:40,920
I don't see the light go red
because I am a back showerer.

1271
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:43,800
I don't shower like this.
I shower like that. I like it this way.

1272
01:01:43,880 --> 01:01:46,400
-[audience laughing]
-Really? Just me? Nobody else?

1273
01:01:46,560 --> 01:01:48,920
Yeah? Madam? Yeah? Madam?
There you go.

1274
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:51,200
I don't like hot liquid
splashing in my face.

1275
01:01:51,280 --> 01:01:52,640
I like it trickling down my ass.

1276
01:01:52,720 --> 01:01:55,240
-Madam? Madam?
-[audience laughing, applauding]

1277
01:01:55,320 --> 01:01:57,640
It's because… [chuckles] …when I…

1278
01:01:58,560 --> 01:02:02,760
Very sorry. When I was growing up,
I didn't have a shower, I had a bucket.

1279
01:02:02,840 --> 01:02:05,720
-[audience laughing]
-Bucket had a hot tap and a cold tap.

1280
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:08,840
You had to mix the temperature yourself.
To get the temperature right,

1281
01:02:08,920 --> 01:02:11,600
you had to be a thermal
engineer slash psychic.

1282
01:02:11,680 --> 01:02:15,240
[audience laughs, applauds]

1283
01:02:17,360 --> 01:02:20,080
It was always 40 degrees too warm.
So, what did we do?

1284
01:02:20,160 --> 01:02:22,680
Safety position. Take a mug.
Put it on our back.

1285
01:02:22,800 --> 01:02:24,920
Let it trickle down our back and cool down

1286
01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:27,360
before it cradled our testicles.
This is science!

1287
01:02:27,440 --> 01:02:28,560
[audience laughing]

1288
01:02:28,680 --> 01:02:31,680
You only get ten minutes of water.
This lady didn't tell me that shit.

1289
01:02:31,800 --> 01:02:34,560
When I am at my peak form,
the light goes red and the water goes out.

1290
01:02:34,640 --> 01:02:35,640
[audience laughing]

1291
01:02:35,720 --> 01:02:38,000
I look like I have been molested
by a cloud at this point.

1292
01:02:38,080 --> 01:02:40,080
[audience laughing]

1293
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:42,400
So now I come out of the shower
to the sink

1294
01:02:42,480 --> 01:02:44,640
with my own personal marshmallow.
[chuckles]

1295
01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:47,720
And I am just doing like a bird bath
type of a situation.

1296
01:02:47,800 --> 01:02:49,760
-[audience laughing]
-But, like, I am not tall enough

1297
01:02:49,840 --> 01:02:51,440
to just lower my junk into the sink

1298
01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:53,240
and give it a casual wash, right?

1299
01:02:54,520 --> 01:02:58,280
So, now I have to take palmfuls
and splash them up into dark places.

1300
01:02:58,360 --> 01:03:00,520
-[audience laughing]
-But the entire bathroom is flooded.

1301
01:03:01,080 --> 01:03:05,640
It is soaking.
And I will not be the Indian man…

1302
01:03:05,720 --> 01:03:06,880
[audience laughing]

1303
01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:09,880
-…who fucked up the bathroom.
-[audience laughing]

1304
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:14,440
So, now I am naked on all fours
with my one towel

1305
01:03:14,600 --> 01:03:17,120
mopping the Emirate's
first-class bathroom.

1306
01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:20,200
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Mopping it clean!

1307
01:03:21,240 --> 01:03:23,400
Why? For my country!

1308
01:03:23,560 --> 01:03:26,080
-[audience cheering]
-You call me a traitor?

1309
01:03:27,800 --> 01:03:30,840
-I am a janitor is what I am!
-[audience cheer, applauding]

1310
01:03:30,960 --> 01:03:33,680
You call me a slave?
I am also a sweeper.

1311
01:03:34,000 --> 01:03:35,880
-[audience cheering]
-I did such a good job.

1312
01:03:35,960 --> 01:03:38,480
At the end of it she asked me
to do the other bathroom.

1313
01:03:38,560 --> 01:03:40,800
-[audience laughing]
-She is like, "Mr. Das, you are a mess."

1314
01:03:40,880 --> 01:03:42,120
"You are so good on the floor."

1315
01:03:42,200 --> 01:03:43,560
I am like, "Ma'am, I like it here."

1316
01:03:43,640 --> 01:03:45,480
-[audience laughing]
-"I can see jokes from here."

1317
01:03:45,600 --> 01:03:48,960
"I belong on the floor.
The floor is home."

1318
01:03:49,040 --> 01:03:50,040
My name is Vir Das.

1319
01:03:50,120 --> 01:03:52,040
It was an honor performing
for you tonight.

1320
01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:55,800
[audience cheers, applauds]

1321
01:03:56,240 --> 01:03:58,400
["Shine" playing]

1322
01:04:05,080 --> 01:04:09,360
<i>♪ Shine down a light on me ♪</i>

1323
01:04:10,880 --> 01:04:15,280
<i>♪ And take me in your arms</i>
<i>And never let me go ♪</i>

1324
01:04:16,640 --> 01:04:22,840
<i>♪ Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned ♪</i>

1325
01:04:23,560 --> 01:04:28,320
<i>♪ Everything will be alright</i>
<i>If you let it go ♪</i>

1326
01:04:29,240 --> 01:04:35,600
<i>♪ Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned ♪</i>

1327
01:04:36,240 --> 01:04:40,960
<i>♪ Everything will be alright</i>
<i>If you let it go ♪</i>

1328
01:04:41,800 --> 01:04:47,400
<i>♪ Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned ♪</i>

1329
01:04:48,680 --> 01:04:53,600
<i>♪ Everything will be alright</i>
<i>If you let it go ♪</i>

1330
01:04:54,520 --> 01:05:00,040
<i>♪ Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned ♪</i>

1331
01:05:01,240 --> 01:05:06,160
<i>♪ Everything will be alright</i>
<i>If you let it go ♪</i>

1332
01:05:06,920 --> 01:05:12,920
<i>-♪ Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Let 'em get high, let 'em get stoned ♪</i>

1333
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:18,440
<i>♪ Everything will be alright</i>
<i>If you let it go ♪</i>

1334
01:05:24,280 --> 01:05:26,120
["Shine" concluding]

1335
01:05:29,480 --> 01:05:32,280
["I'm In Mumbai Waiting For A Miracle"
playing]

1336
01:06:16,480 --> 01:06:19,040
["I'm In Mumbai, Waiting For A Miracle"
concluding]