[spooky music playing]
A VAMPIRE IN THE FAMILY
Oh man, are we live? We're live! Oh, hey, my friends!
We are here. Welcome, everyone, to the podcast most watched by Brazil.
My name is Fernandinho Tramontina,
- and this is show is called... - The Ball is Yours, Fernandinho!
[stadium cheering]
THE BALL IS YOURS, FERNANDINHO!
- Hey, hey, Ameba! Ameba! - [motor humming]
- The door's coming up. - [Ameba] Sorry about that, Fernandinho.
- Hey, Ameba, think this through. - Go ahead.
Anyway, let's keep it moving on. You can submit your questions to us.
Right, Ameba? Pass it to me here. We already have one here.
- A question from Batista. - Hey, Batista.
"Claudionor, have you ever in your life missed an easy goal or thrown a match,
much like Fernandinho has?
I wanna be clear.
I have never in my entire life, never, ever thrown a single match.
What happened was a mosquito flew into my nose when I tried to score the goal.
Was it the championship final? Did I miss the goal and lose the championship?
Yes, that is what happened. Play the tape, Ameba.
I'll show them and I'll prove it.
- We can't do another... - It's my show.
When you have your show, do what you want.
Ameba, please. This is the moment I have possession of the ball.
- That's some skill. - [Claudionor] Good one.
I was taking over.
I was so fast. Just incredible.
I ran, ran with the ball, I was going... taking over...
Look, I tackled the goalkeeper here.
Here's the goal, and there's the kick.
[commentator] ...sets off the bar and he misses!
Play it in slow motion. In slow motion you'll see it.
The exact moment a mosquito flew into my nose.
- Here, off to the side. - You can't see it.
Here is living proof that there's no way I betrayed Vasco. No way!
Why don't you give me a break, will you?
You played for Flamengo the following year, man.
Ameba, I'm ready for the next question.
- Fernandinho, see you next show, huh? - When we're here, call me Mr. Fernando.
My bad, Mr. Fernandi... Mr. Fernando.
Sweetheart, isn't Neymar coming?
You know, honey? Chicão didn't invite him. Can you believe it?
Fernandinho, you promised our daughter Neymar would be here.
[titters]
- Everyone's waiting, sweetheart. - I know, honey, I'm so sorry.
She's already upset over the green banana biomass fudge.
- She won't even remember. - Won't she? That's all she talked about.
- Oh, but children forget. - Neymar isn't coming?
I wanted us to shoot a TikTok video.
You can shoot it with Daddy. You know, Daddy was a famous soccer player as well.
Dad, you're not famous anymore. Get over it.
A daughter's love is such a beautiful thing.
- Go after the other one. I got this one. - Okay, just let me brush my teeth. [gags]
Hi, sweetheart.
- How you feeling? - [daughter] Mm-hmm.
Yeah?
Listen, it's almost dark already.
- They're waiting for you downstairs. - Mm-hmm.
You're not paying attention to what I'm saying, are you?
Uh-huh.
No matter what I say you'll just respond with "uh-huh"?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Carol, come on. I'm being serious with you.
Come downstairs for a minute.
God, I don't want to, Dad. I don't like going to birthday parties.
- Especially ones with chuchu jelly rolls. - Oh, my God.
Thanks for the warning. [chuckles]
Hey... [clears throat] ...listen,
are you thinking you'll take that poster of the devil off the wall?
I told you before it's not the devil.
I'm asking because I miss when there was that Dora the Explorer poster up there.
That was ten years ago, wasn't it?
Anything is better than this beast with the horns. It's a very dark energy.
- Just from been up close, you can feel... - [Carol] Dad...
That's Ravengoroki. He's a character from the anime Hayu Mokusha. A good guy.
- Relax. - Come on.
Just for five minutes?
- Please? - Okay, okay, I'll think about it.
[mimicking Carol] Ok-k-k-k...
I'll be downstairs, okay? [clicking fingers]
A very dark energy. It's so negative. This side is warm.
I could be running a fever. I'll be waiting.
[ominous music playing]
Stop it, don't play with that! Don't play with that!
That's mine. That was hard work. This is not a drum! Stop it!
For God's sake, going through my stuff.
- Don't touch my things! - [woman] Honey!
- Yes, honey. - [woman] Is Carol not joining us?
No, I told her to come down.
You know, at some point, I lost the connection with my daughter.
I don't know what I did wrong, what happened.
- We're singing "Happy Birthday." - [doorbell]
- Someone's at the door. - Answer it. I'm cutting the cake.
Ridiculous, this is not the time to get to a child's party.
It's dark outside. People do anything for free food.
It's outrageous. I can't...
- [energy crackling] - [groans]
Heavy energy.
Wow, it's like a... Mm-hmm.
Strange.
[loud creaking]
Good evening.
[ominously] Don't you remember me?
- Oh, honestly... - [thunder rolls]
I'm... I'm sorry. No, I don't. Sorry.
- [gasps] - It's me, bro-in-law!
- Oh, Gregório! - It's me, man!
- Been so long! - We're on kissing terms?
- [chuckling] - [Fernandinho] Everything's good, yeah.
Won't you invite me in?
Oh, no... Yeah. Uh... well, of course.
- Come in, Gregório. - [Gregório laughs]
Great.
The kiss was unnecessary.
There's Vanessa.
- In a second. - [Vanessa] Okay, come on.
Gregório? Ah!
Little brother!
Oh my God, I just can't believe you're here!
- Oh, boy, me neither. - Jeez!
Wait! The cake can wait.
Listen, everyone.
The cake will have to wait. A special visitor has arrived.
I'd like you all to meet him. This is Gregório, my brother.
Little brother. But he is taller than me.
This is my brother-in-law, Gregório.
He basically disappeared for five years. We never heard from him.
I bet there's a story behind falling off the face of the earth.
For sure. And we want to hear everything.
- I want to know everything. - Uncle Greg?
- Hi, Uncle! - Carol? Little Carol!
- I'm blown away, Carol. - I've missed you!
- Holy mo, you're big Carol, now. - No, it's little Carol.
- Good job there, Pop. You're gorgeous. - What the heck?
- Uncle! - Something's outta place.
[Vanessa] Fernandinho, be a host.
- Offer him something to drink. - My backpack.
Yes, get his backpack.
- 'Cause Greg is our guest. Right, honey? - Come on.
- [Vanessa] I want to know everything. - I'll take this up.
- [Vanessa] Where have you been? - This is so nice.
I'll tell you everything. So much has happened.
- [thud] Oh, dear Lord! Jeez, that's heavy! - What is it?
Is there a body in here? It's incredibly heavy! Hang on.
Hang on.
- Fernandinho, please. - Fernandinho... Stop.
Oh God, I think it's my hernia back again.
- Oh, God, help me out. - [all laughing]
It's not a matter of muscle, it's just... I got it, come on. Please!
There's always something.
- [Gregório] Ibiza is amazing. - Yeah.
I deejayed in so many clubs.
- So many clubs. - That's a good gig. Lots of work.
It's a sweet job. Good money.
Guess who I met there?
- David Guetta. Really cool guy. - [Carol gasps]
I love him. No way. Did you get a photo?
No, didn't take pictures. I hate pictures. Especially with me in them.
Ha! Why's that?
The police after you? Are you on the run? Are you a fugitive?
What are you doing, Fernandinho?
You don't even take selfies or anything?
- [Gregório] No. - You know, like this?
No, not even selfies. My phone's ancient. Doesn't have a camera.
That's the kind of phone a drug lord might use.
[Vanessa] Fernandinho!
- What? - That's enough. There's a limit.
I'm joking. No, I'm joking, right? Bro-law?
That's pushing it kind of far, Fernandinho.
No, because I'm being honest here. Five years, he disappeared.
Not a word. Gone like a fart in the wind. We never heard from him.
- It's like he didn't exist. - Hmm.
He doesn't take pictures, has no social accounts,
and uses a phone that's prehistoric. Practically has a rotary. Chugga-chugga.
Chugga, you know?
- Anyone else find it strange? - Fernandinho.
We're having a pleasant conversation.
Now everyone feels awkward, right? It's just uncomfortable.
Hey, sis, please don't worry. He... He's right.
- He's right, yeah. - Thank you.
[Gregório] I'm very sorry.
I was traveling for a long, long time. I never called, never got in touch.
But that's what I wanted. I wanted to explore the world.
I wanted to roam free, with no one to answer to,
wanted this experience for myself.
I've always wanted to do that.
- Yeah, me too. I've dreamed of that. - Since when is this your dream?
My God, honey, let me dream. Is that okay?
What was your favorite country?
Romania, for sure.
- Oh, yeah, I bet. Weirdo. - Romania. I'd love to visit one day.
Can we see Romania, Dad?
Let's stick with Beto Carrero.
It's nearby, they've got the rides...
[imitating roller coaster]
The roller coaster... [whoops]
Who goes to Romania?
Do travel agents sell package deals for Romania? "Visit Romania!"
Tell me, you ever see a T-shirt that's like, "I love Romania"? Not me.
Here's the thing. Romania's the most beautiful country I've laid my eyes on.
The best bars too.
And I'll tell you something else.
The girls in Romania are almost as pretty as the girls in Brazil.
- Oh! - [simpering]
He's such a charmer.
He's always been this way. Ever since we were kids.
He's always been a Casanova.
Me too. I've always been a Casanova.
- I tell you, I used to... - [Vanessa] No.
- Not you. You were a scoundrel. - No!
Why is your brother a Casanova and I'm a scoundrel? I don't get it.
- Honey, are you hungry? Something to eat? - Is that chuchu?
- No, it's cheese. - Oh, it's cheese. I'll have some.
- Is it goat cheese? - It's tofu.
[indistinctly] What's in my mouth?
- What do I... - No, wait, don't spit into the pool.
Please forgive him. I'm sorry.
- Tofu? - Yes, it's delicious. Anyone want any?
- Tofu sucks for real. - No, I love it.
- Delicious. - [Vanessa] Yeah?
By the way, did I tell you? The trip completely changed me.
- No. - Yeah, now I'm vegan.
You're vegan now?
[Gregório] I'm vegan. I've realized animals have the right to live like we do.
Don't you think?
- Ay. - [women simpering]
- Sexy... - [Vanessa] Look...
- Come on! That's bull! - [Vanessa] What is it?
Listen, I'm getting a burger right now. Who wants a burger?
I'll have a burger.
- [Fernandinho] Who's in? Go to hell! - Amazing! You're vegan!
Sweetie, I'm curious. How long will your brother be staying?
Honey, come on, stop picking on him.
Oh, please. Why would I pick on him?
Why? Because Greg is kind, manly, adventurous, handsome...
I'm sure. But has he ever scored three goals in a final match
at a packed stadium?
- Hmm, no, he hasn't. - He hasn't.
You are amazing too, baby.
But don't worry, honey. Greg is only staying a few days.
Until he finds an apartment, a studio, a house, something that'll work.
- It's not happening. - I know, I was just adjusting it.
Ah!
Honey, you won't even notice he's here. [sighs]
[scoffs] You sure?
["Na Aba" by Bezerra da Silva playing]
[indistinct commentator on TV]
Uh... Uh, could you...?
Hey, I'm trying to watch this, all right?
[commentator shouts excitedly]
[music continues]
[sobbing]
[agonized groan]
- [engine revs] - Hey!
Bro-in-law, unfortunately, I can't let you use the car tonight.
What do you mean? It's my car!
[music continues]
- [Gregório] Thanks! - [tires screech]
Vanessa, grab your phone! Call me an Uber.
[fart]
Ugh...
[muted dialogue]
Hey, maybe that's a little bit too tight for you.
- Hey! - Nice, Dad!
And he goes right down the side, ready for...
Ha! Give it back!
Come here! It's time for a family pile! Everyone in the family pile!
[music continues]
[all laughing]
[music fades]
[doorbell]
[woman] Who are you looking for?
Oh, my God! You really spooked me, you know?
[woman over intercom] Who is it?
Come on, Michele.
Come on, Michele. It's me. You can see me.
[Michele] Yeah, I can see you.
What I don't see is more child support for our daughter.
What are you talking about? Michele, for God's sake.
Come on, tell Carol I'm outside.
Keep your eyes open. You're gonna be served, hear me?
You can't fall behind on child support, pal.
Ah, nice. We've got a lot to say.
All right, first of all, I'm not behind on payments.
Every year she's telling that story.
And, second, with all due respect, #EssentialWorkers,
#ForACleanCity, #MyWorkMyDignity,
this is none of your stinking business.
Fernandinho, tell the truth. You're dying to get back with me.
I'm dying for you to give back the ball autographed by Pelé.
- Funny you should mention it... - [Fernandinho] It's not yours.
Is this what you want?
That's mine. That's my ball...
Increase the payments? It's yours once more.
I did that five times already!
Then do it once again!
What a shame! And she's a mother.
Lady, you can take your broom
and sweep someone else's dirty driveway.
- Honey! That's Daddy's little girl. - Uh, Dad, let's go.
- She's so affectionate with me. - [laughing]
[ominous music playing]
[woman on TV] A new disease is leaving doctors in Rio puzzled.
Several people, mostly women, have reported
symptoms of lethargy and anemia, and are suffering from low blood volume.
Luci is one of them.
This young woman started behaving strangely.
We spoke to a relative who wishes to remain anonymous.
[relative] Everyone's very worried because Luci was a happy kid, you know?
- Now she's just so tired... - [Fernandinho] Hi, honey.
- Hello, honey. - You look lovely.
- Mm, thank you. - I was wondering what's for dinner.
- This here. Some vegan frozen food. - Yuck.
Okay. Mm-hmm.
- What? - Nothing else? That's all we have?
You know what, honey? They're not selling very well
and the freezer's full.
If we each have two or three, they'll be gone soon.
I see.
You know what, my love? This just crossed my mind.
I mean, it might be the name you picked. "Vainessa" might be bad.
I don't think so. It was Greg's idea.
- It's a beautiful name. - Oh, it was Greg's idea.
By the way, where's your brother?
He's sleeping.
Vanessa, reason with me here. Let's get this straight.
Your brother only eats and sleeps, yeah?
He sleeps all day, doesn't see the light of day.
I think he's allergic to the sun. And he doesn't help around the house.
Fernandinho, it's not Greg. You're the one who doesn't help out.
You'll help out tonight. You do the dishes.
- Good! Bye. - I don't wanna fight.
- I miss your touch. I'm very needy. - Me too. I'm needy.
Get over here.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
I want to put you here, like in the movies.
No! This is not a movie, because... Wait. You threw my food on the ground?
- Clean this up. - But I...
And tonight, you'll do the dishes!
- It's part of the game. - There's no game.
- There's no game at all. - Okay.
Ah, you're up!
Oh wow, you look great!
Thanks.
- [Fernandinho] Oh, he's looking good! - [Vanessa] He looks great, right?
[Fernandinho] Is Uncle Greg looking good?
- Yeah. - I'm glad. All those clothes are mine.
- Really? They're yours? - They're mine.
And do they fit?
- See? - No.
- No, baby, they don't really fit. - Hey, come on.
- Yes, they do fit. - I'm sorry.
- I'll give them back. Washed and ironed. - No!
No need. They don't fit you anymore.
Yes, return them. I want them all back.
- Dad, that's embarrassing. Don't do that. - Yeah, Papa. For God's sake.
No! "For God's sake," my ass. I'm curious. Are the underwear mine?
- Fernando, relax. - [Fernandinho] I can't relax.
Don't worry, everything's cool. They won't leave this house.
Let's change the subject. I had an idea. Absolutely great idea.
- I wanted to do something. - What do you wanna do?
- Go on. - Family pile?
- No, I don't like it, seriously. - [daughter] Family pile.
- Of course you do. - I don't like it, I don't...
- [all screaming] - [Fernandinho] No!
Stop it! Stop it!
- [cracking] - [Fernandinho groaning]
Ouch! Stop it!
Ouch, that hurts! It's hurting me! That hurts!
- I said it was a bad idea! That hurt! - Fernandinho!
- Don't overreact. - Killed the moment.
- I'm not kidding. - It's just a family thing.
I'm not exaggerating. I'm bleeding.
[eerie music playing]
What the hell? What's wrong with you?
[sighs] Guys, this is great. This has all been fun, but I have to go.
The night is calling.
- See you guys. - I guess you have cash to go out.
Yes, my sister gave it to me.
Hey, are you giving money to your brother?
[microwave dings]
- That'll be the food. Come on. - Please explain what he just said to me.
My money is going to your brother, is that what's going on?
[owl hooting]
[suspenseful music playing]
[door creaks]
Jesus.
I can tell personal hygiene is not his forte.
[sniffs] Oh! Ugh.
[dramatic sting]
[Fernandinho] Hey, is that the kid on the news?
- [Vanessa] Fernandinho! - [exclaims]
- Hi... - Wrong door?
No, no, no, not at all.
Actually, I smelled something off in here.
Can you smell that? It's like a skunk corpse.
Seems like something must have died in here, huh?
- Go ahead and take a whiff. - [inhales deeply]
- Can't you smell that? - I don't smell anything.
You might want to have that checked out.
It smells so bad the hairs in my nose fell out.
Ugh! Did you take a good look around?
Don't you think something a bit strange is going on with this room?
Yes, now that you mentioned it. There's something wrong.
It's you! Snooping all through his things.
Fernandinho, you need to understand my brother has a dark side.
- A bit of a dark side. - Always like that. He likes the night.
- Mm-hmm. - Don't judge.
You should have more sympathy.
- I'm not judging. - Honey?
Get out!
Listen, just look what he did to my house. Let me show you.
Just please come.
He painted the windows black and boarded them up.
Out!
- Out! - [sniffs] That's so weird. Fine.
Look, just from being close you feel a negative...
[eerie music fades]
- [sharp thud] - [barking]
[fluttering, sharp thud]
[grunts]
[fluttering]
- [fluttering, sharp thud] - [gasps]
- [dramatic sting] - [gasps]
[playful dramatic music playing]
[squeaks]
- [squeaks, thud] - [Fernandinho] Ha ha!
[Fernandinho exhales]
Hmm.
[quizzical groan]
- [shrieks] - [gasps]
- [Vanessa] Fernandinho, what's going on? - Dad!
- Honey? - Dad, what was that noise?
Hold on. Oh my God, there's a bat.
- [sharp crack] Ouch, my sciatica! Jesus. - Jesus.
A bat came right into the house. I'm trying to catch it.
- What? A bat in the house? - [Fernandinho] Yes.
- [bored] Is that all? - Listen to her. Yes, that was all.
- I'll try to catch it. - Honey, be very careful.
- Okay? Don't kill it. - I almost died here.
Yes, it helps with the natural flora. It's a living being that causes no harm.
Mom, can I stay to see the bat?
No, honey. It helps with the flora, but it does bite. Okay?
I'm about to bite someone.
Ouch. Jesus.
Where are you, goddam beast?
- [frenzied flapping] - [grunts]
[grunts]
[screams]
[screaming]
You wanna play with me now? What the hell?
I'll get you now!
[yells]
[exhausted groan]
[grunts] Oh, man.
What the heck!
[thud] Jesus Christ! What the hell, man?
You scared me!
Are you just getting back?
Yeah, I had a tough night.
Huh.
Hmm.
What's that on your forehead?
- What, this? - Yeah, on your head, yeah.
No, no, nothing. I managed to hit my head on the garage door.
Hmm, I see.
Want some bread?
Okay.
Fine, don't eat it.
I'm just being nice. If you don't want it... It's my favorite.
Garlic bread. Here, smell. It's delicious. Look.
There's nothing else to eat.
[playful suspenseful music playing]
Fernandinho, I... I wanted to thank you for your hospitality.
I didn't know I'd be here for so long, here in your house.
These things happen.
You come for two days, but stay for two months.
Super normal.
I also want to say that I really like you.
- You're my favorite brother-in-law. - I'm the only one.
That's right. Mm-hmm.
It's like the old saying goes.
"It takes a brother-in-law to..."
[gagging cough]
[Gregório] What were you saying? I didn't hear it. Say it again.
[coughing]
No, nothing. I forgot.
Sorry, I forgot. [coughs]
[gulps]
My brother-in-law is a vampire.
Fernandinho, tell me. Now you tell me the truth.
Are you taking drugs again?
What are you saying? Ssh! I never did drugs in my life.
You were caught doping in the game against Botafogo in 2003.
No, I had taken cough syrup for my throat. It was just syrup.
Fernandinho, I understand, I understand.
I'm going through a similar problem with my neighbor, Roberval.
Ah, is he a weed-smoking vampire?
- No, none of that. He's a ghost. - Really?
Actually, he's here right now with us.
Say hello. No reason to be shy.
Hey, Roberval! Nice to meet you, man!
- That's really funny. - Talk to him.
- We're having a beer. - Make fun of me.
- Come on, Roberval. - Make fun of me.
I wanna see that confidence if the spirit appears before you.
- I believe you! - Huh!
My God! Don't sneak up on me like that. We were talking about ghosts!
You shouldn't eavesdrop.
- I'm a vampire expert. - No, thank you.
Okay, but listen. They don't go after their own blood.
That's great.
They can't be seen in mirrors or photographs.
- Everyone knows that. - There are two kinds.
The scouters prepare for the arrival of the second kind, the alpha vampires.
They're seductive and deceitful!
Whoever finds out always looks like an idiot.
No one will believe you. Only the very, very, very stupid ones.
- Do you believe me? - Obviously. Why?
[clicks tongue] Never mind.
Only the worst ones turn into bats.
Wait.
- I didn't tell you about that. - Fernandinho, I bet that I can help.
No touching, please. Thanks.
[menacing music playing]
[motor revs]
Ameba, maybe we should call an Uber. We're gonna lose him.
No, you can just track your car by using your GPS.
And hold on.
- This little thing's fast, okay? - Hmm.
[faint humming]
What a joke, man.
[sinister music playing]
["Back to Life" by BASXHKZIR playing]
Let's dance. Come on, let's go.
[music continues]
[Fernandinho] Huh?
That's weird.
[music continues]
My bad! Not my thing.
Looking for someone.
[recording alert dings]
- [sinister music playing] - [growls]
[woman groans]
[ringing tone]
[growls]
What is it, you idiot?
[Ameba] Where are you? I got lost. You're the only one with the tracking app.
I can't talk now. I'll call you later. What the...?
- Fernandinho! - Whoa!
Hi, Michele, how are you?
- Hi! - What's up?
You can't afford to pay more child support, eh?
But a night out? Easy.
What are you doing here? Leave me alone.
- Tell me. Running away from your new wife? - Hmm?
[coughs] It's none of your business.
[dance music playing]
Oh my God, he's hot! I'm going to dance.
- No, don't dance with that guy. No! - Why?
He's a professional con artist. It's a horrible story. Tell you later.
- The handsome dude? - Not handsome.
- No! - He's had a lot done, I tell you.
- Let's go. I'll tell you later. - Stop! Fernandinho!
- I'll tell you later. - Stop!
[Michele] Let me go.
- What the hell? - I'm sorry, let's go.
Are you insane? It's too late to be jealous.
No, I'm protecting my daughter's mother.
- Oh, stop. - Believe me, Michele. Go home.
For God's sake, I've paid for your ride already, okay?
That's new. Since when are you paying anything for me?
Okay, buddy, take her home safely. I'll give you five stars, okay?
- Bye, Michele, get some rest. Bye. - Okay, bye.
[motor fades]
- [Ameba] What's up, Fernandinho! - God!
I told you this baby was fast. Hey, was he here?
Ameba, figure out how to expel a vampire from the house. Hurry up.
Honestly, Fernandinho, it's best if he stays.
What? Have you lost your mind?
- I told you they don't attack relatives. - I'm not his family. My firstborn, Carol?
- She isn't his family either. - But you've been hosting him.
They respect that.
But if he leaves your house, then you'll be in danger.
Come on, man! I don't want Batman living in my house for the rest of my life.
The only way to expel a vampire is if everyone sees that he's a vampire.
- You have to expose him. - That's difficult.
Vanessa will never believe me. She's crazy about that brother of hers.
- Is there another way? - Yes, there is.
Why didn't you say so?
- You have to wait for me to ask... - Just stab him in the heart with this.
Right in the heart.
[playful suspenseful music playing]
[door creaking]
[whispers] Look at that, man!
What is it?
Ameba, look at it.
How did he bring this coffin?
My God, now I understand why his backpack was unbelievably heavy.
He'd packed this foldable coffin with him.
Help me with this.
Careful. Carefully.
There we go. There, there.
God, it's so heavy.
- [Fernandinho grunts] - [Ameba gasps]
Even asleep, he's handsome.
What the hell was that comment for?
- It slipped out. - Yeah, yeah, slipped out.
Pay attention. Gimme that.
- Hurry, the sun's about to set. - Yeah, watch the door.
Oh, man.
- No. I can't do it. - Because he's handsome, right?
Are you gonna continue with "He's handsome"?
- Why can't you? - Because he's Vanessa's brother, right?
He's my brother-in-law. Part of the family.
- And besides that, he's a human being. - Wake the hell up, Fernandinho!
Think of him as something you hate.
Well, I hate you right now for slapping me.
But I don't hate anyone or anything.
You have to remember he's been in your house for over two months.
He used your clothes, he drank all your booze.
[growls]
Try and see him like the referee who ruled out that goal in 1997.
[intense growl]
- Now you got me going. - It's working, right?
You should work in psychology. That was honestly crazy.
- I'm pumped now. I'm angry! I'm angry! - Go on!
Let your anger go.
...three.
- [yells] - [growls]
- Oh my God! - Let him go!
- [music climaxes] - [yells]
[Fernandinho] No! Please stop it!
Let him go!
- [thud] - [bloodcurdling growl]
[gasping]
What is it? What is it?
- [nervous babble] - Are you okay, honey?
- Vanessa. - Huh?
We need to have a conversation. Hmm.
My love, I'm here for whatever you need.
- Have you gone mad? - You need help, Dad.
- Ameba, help me out, please. - It's no use.
Ameba, is any of that true?
No, I didn't see, okay? But I believe in vampires and in him.
Oh, you believe everything anyway.
No, that's not true.
When your father says he didn't "intentionally" miss the goal,
I know it's a lie 'cause he clearly threw it.
That's what you think of me, kid?
No one would miss that goal. The goal was free. A touch.
I said a mosquito flew into my nose. I've said that for years.
- You're not a real Vasco fan. - I am!
Enough, both of you.
That was the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard in my life.
Give us a minute.
Admit it, you went out to party to have fun and flirt.
And you say my brother's a vampire? Come on!
Okay, I have proof.
Don't do that! It won't go the way you think.
Don't get involved.
- I wanna see it. - No, I'll show you now.
- Let me see. - This is what your brother was up to.
Look. There. Here.
What the hell is this?
A drunk woman gyrating up against the wall.
- Where's Uncle Greg? - Yes, a woman, but you'll see Greg...
Greg is... Oh, no. Oh, well...
[mutters] But he was here. He was here.
Lenses and mirrors can't capture a vampire's image.
- They can't be filmed or tagged on posts. - But he was right there.
Hey, all right. Then can you answer this?
Why do we never see him during the day?
He's always sleeping. Answer it.
What? Can you not answer me 'cause a cat got your tongue?
You can't answer that question.
No problem, because I'm here to answer the question.
Because he'd die!
Yes! That's because your brother's kind turns into ash when they go into the sun.
That's why he always wakes up so late and doesn't join us by the pool.
Because he'd die if...
- Morning, family! - Good morning, Greg, how's it going...
Hee... Oh, hey.
How's my awesome bro-in-law?
I had a dream about you last night. You were worried, very worried.
But I took good care of you like only a brother-in-law knows. Right?
Guys, I think I'm not jet-lagged anymore. No more jet lag. I want...
- Namaste, brother. - Namaste, my darling.
I wanna enjoy the pool with the family, with Carol here,
and this kid too.
- Come, come. - It's such a beautiful day.
- We're so blessed. - But here's the thing about...
I'll go.
I just... Everything I was seeing here just...
Huh? There's nothing here for me.
Hey, why wouldn't a vampire die in the sun?
He should have died.
- That's so strange. - Very strange.
Maybe your brother-in-law is a mutant kind that evolved to be resistant to the sun.
Some of the vampire lineages can have different traits and powers.
- Why didn't you say so? - You didn't ask.
Do I have to ask for everything now? Jesus.
But I think Vanessa actually took that pretty well.
Hey, honey, look, I made these for you!
Want some zucchini?
- So, is it full of blood? - Hmm?
A vampire's sister is a vampire.
You should watch out.
[dramatic sting]
- Yeah, she took it well. - Shut up. Jesus.
Uncle Greg, your nose is funny.
Ssh.
- [snap] - [hissing] Ouch.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [hissing stops] - [Gregório exhales]
- [exhales] Hey. - Ah.
Brother, I'm just so glad you're here with us.
[dramatic music playing]
- I think Fernandinho is feeling jealous. - [hissing]
- [grunts] - [fierce scratching]
- Gratitude for this day... - [pencil clatters]
What's this? Everything fine, Carol?
I'm actually not feeling all that well. I'm going to the bathroom. See you later.
- [Vanessa] Okay. - [Gregório grunts]
- [Gregório] Ah, my cute niece. - [hissing]
[shower running]
[menacing music playing]
[shower tap screeches]
[suspenseful music playing]
[door creaks]
Damn it.
- [sniffs] - [tense music playing]
- [sniffing continues] - [tense music builds]
[cell ringing]
- [indistinct] - Hello, Reinfildo.
- So, is everything ready? - [indistinct]
- Yeah? - [indistinct]
That's great. I found a great place. I'm sure he's gonna like it.
- [indistinct] - I'll see you very soon.
[disconnect tone]
[ominous music playing]
[Gregório yawns]
Oh, Ameba, I have to talk to you.
Listen here, you wanna get back with me? Just forget it. I found someone else.
What? Stop being an idiot. I broke up with you.
Carol, I know you were crazy about me. No point in denying...
Ssh! Forget about it. I don't want my father to know.
Actually, I don't want the world to know.
If I could go back in time,
I would go back and shoot myself in the face before kissing you.
Okay, if you went back in time and met yourself in the past,
you'd be creating a paradox...
Yeah, can you please shut your mouth, nerd? Listen.
I know Greg is a vampire.
[Carol] We gotta tell everyone about this.
Uh, try it. I couldn't even convince Vanessa.
Actually, I couldn't even convince you.
Carol, no one convinces anyone that vampires exist.
I don't know. It's their power. You only find out by chance.
Then we have to call the police, right?
They won't believe us either.
What are you even doing with that?
I'm making a cross,
because crosses murder vampires! Ha-ha!
- [clattering] - [Ameba] Not necessarily.
Vampires and crosses are like cockroaches and mothballs.
They maybe just scare them off. The most important thing is faith.
- You're not much of a churchgoer. - What? You're nuts.
- I do go. - When was the last time?
My first communion.
Hey, no, that's enough, okay? I am a committed man of faith.
I've told you this before.
And in fact, so many of the goals I kicked were dedicated to Jesus.
When I made a goal, I'd say, "This is for You, Jesus."
All right. Pray the Rosary.
[splutters]
The Ros...? Is that a real prayer?
- Yeah. - Really?
[Carol] We can't hide here forever.
We need to do something to make Greg get out of the house.
We need an actual miracle, sweetie.
- Dad! - Ah, sweetie, what the hell!
Uncle Greg is saying goodbye.
[celestial music playing]
A man of faith.
- [Gregório] Kisses. Love you. - Still running the taxi meter.
Bye, love you. Oh, don't forget your jacket, Greg.
- I got it. - Jacket?
- Are you his grandma now? - Fernandinho.
Just making a joke. Having fun. It's fine. Sorry.
[Vanessa] Greg, text me your number and address.
Wherever you settle down, we want to come visit you.
Speak for yourself.
[Gregório] Okay, I'll text them to you.
- Kiss, kiss. - Bye!
- Our doors will always be open. - Not true. They'll be locked tight.
What? Nothing. Bye! Hey, just making a little joke.
[sighs] I already miss him.
[Fernandinho sighs]
[Vanessa] I miss Greg already.
- Not me. Good night, my love, good night. - Huh?
I hope he never comes back.
- We got rid of him! - We really did it!
Are you serious, guys?
Carol, what's the matter? Hey, don't be like that?
- [both chuckling] - [playful growl]
- [thud] - Ooh, my bad.
You're ridiculous.
A vampire is on the loose in the city and you won't do anything?
Okay, honey, I wanted your Uncle Greg to leave the house and he's gone.
I did it to protect my family. That's what I have to do.
You're being a coward.
No.
I put my family before everything. That's what I have to do.
Like when you threw the match against Flamengo?
Is that what you think of your father?
Who can really say when you kicked that ball
you didn't put "family" before everything then?
[sighs] I really thought my daughter would know me better than that.
Dad, you know I love you.
But love is more than admiration.
I can't admire someone who's constantly taking the easy way out.
Okay, I did what I had to do, okay?
And you're wrong.
If I do miss what we had before,
maybe I'll get over it.
[door opens]
[door closes]
VAMPIRES
Good morning, my darlings!
I love it when you guys ignore me.
Hey, sweetie. Hey.
You fine?
- [Carol] Mm-hmm. - I'll just take some cookies.
Hmm?
- Hey, where is everyone? - They mentioned they'd be late.
Ah, no one has any consideration for anyone else now, huh?
- I'm sure they're on their way. - What are you watching?
A Polish movie about the personal journey of an immigrant vampire
who finds love in unusual places.
That sounds super interesting, Ameba.
- [snoring] - [motor humming]
[coughs, grunts]
What's going on? Hey! What's going on? Hmm?
Why is this... What's going on?
What... Ah!
Oh, you're here.
A round of applause for your shameless behavior.
It's plain to see you two were indulging yourselves. Disgraceful. I can see it.
I wouldn't have guessed, Claudionor, you of all people.
As we had agreed, I am here.
We were shooting a teaser. You were gonna come in early.
- We had a plan. - You'd better do it on your own.
You're the star of this show, right?
Yeah, you can do it alone, Fernando.
Yes, I'm the star of this show. I'm the star of the show.
Maracanã's packed, everyone's screaming my name,
a star in the age of television, before all the little screens...
Get what I'm saying? Yes, I'm a star, but the three of us host the show, okay?
I do too much already. I don't need you riding my coattails.
- Let me be clear. - What, you're scolding us?
That's... psychological harassment.
- You got really close to me. - We can sue you, okay?
[Fernandinho] Harassment? What are you talking about? What?
Oh, I understand. I can tell you two are up to no good.
And your vibes are just awful, you pair of leeches.
You want my blood, but you won't get a drop.
- I only want what's fair, understand? - Fer... Fernandinho.
- What on earth is wrong? - Come here.
Are you also gonna be suing me? Give me a minute, guys.
We're not done talking about this though. Simply unbelievable.
- What is it? What do you want? - Take a look at the video.
Are you buying more apps on my cell phone without permission?
[nervous groan]
Oh my gosh.
I see.
Hey, guys, I was thinking, and you're right.
I do cross the line sometimes.
I mean, people need boundaries. Boundaries! Am I right?
No, you can't do the show by yourself. We'll help.
Yes, let's make a show together.
[whimpers] Maybe another time. The battery is almost dead.
Death? You're bringing up death? Why would you bring up death?
- Hey, listen. Just go home. - True.
Get some rest. It's better to be well rested.
Here's an idea. Why don't you go talk to Roberval, your ghost neighbor?
- A ghost isn't real. - It's not real. It's not real.
Go be with your wife.
I imagine she misses you and she wants to have a little snuggle.
- Go. You can go. - [Chicão] Let's do it.
So please get some good rest.
That's right. You need some rest.
- Totally lost it. - Me too.
Listen, man, let me tell you something.
- Let's put the show on hold for now. - I agree.
Yeah, no problem. Just close the garage door
and you can weld it shut.
- Keep everyone out, okay my friend? - I got this.
I'm going to my house.
[panicked gasping]
[Vanessa] Fernandinho?
Oh my God! What are you? Some sort of bat?
I'm not a bat. Are you okay?
I am. Not sure about you.
My love, what are you doing here?
I live here.
Fernandinho, did you forget your appointment?
Oh, no, tonight's not good, honey. I'm very worried, very nervous.
Congrats, but I can't do it tonight.
That's not what I'm talking about. Read this letter.
Letter?
Okay. The hearing with Michele! My God!
[panting]
Hey.
- Homero. How's it going? - [moans]
Apologies for being late. I was just delayed a bit.
I'm just having a bad day.
Please don't worry. Just relax.
Okay, so your ex-wife has been waiting in my office for over an hour.
- [Fernandinho coughs] - So you better take it easy.
Yeah, I'll try. We're fine, right? We're cool? I'll relax.
- I can do this. Let's go. Excuse me. - Sure.
Michele, look who's here.
Hey, Michele. How are you?
- [dramatic sting] - Oh, I'm great, Fernandinho.
[Fernandinho] She's great.
Tell me, did... did you go back to the club after I left?
Clearly... that's none of your concern.
[Homero] Well, Fernando. I've read through the file.
That's right. I also talked to Michele's lawyer.
We both think we should be able to reach an understanding.
- I concur. - [Fernandinho] I disagree.
I really think we should reschedule this.
- What do you say? - Now!
Michele, you've taken every possession that I own. I've absolutely nothing left.
[Michele] I disagree.
There's still much, much more, my love.
- Look at her teeth! - Listen to me one moment, listen.
In these cases... Listen, Fernando. ...the best possible outcome
is try to reach an agreement without a third-party mediator stepping in.
Understand? In this case, me.
Also, remember that everything can and should be discussed.
- Okay. - Relax. I'll leave you two alone.
Hell no! No! Don't you leave. No, please stay.
- Don't go. - Why not? What's wrong?
Because... It's just...
Uh, my ex-wife is a vampire out on the hunt.
[scoffs] Fernando, every ex-husband has this story.
No, no, no, I'm serious. Just take a peek at her fangs... [snarls] ...See?
- She's a bloodthirsty vampire. - [Homero] Fernando...
You can't see her as your enemy, understand?
But someone you used to be in love with.
- Deep down, she doesn't mean you any harm. - Yes, she does. She does.
She means many harms. Jesus!
Fernando, will you be mature?
I'm not letting you get out of this this time.
Okay? I'm locking the door.
No! For the love of God!
Homero! Don't go! Homero!
- Come back, Homero? - [Michele hisses]
- Take it easy, Michele. - [hisses]
[whimpering]
It's a calm day today.
Homero, open the door for God's sake!
- [Michele growls] - [yelps]
[screaming]
Homero! Stay back.
Go ahead and talk.
- Dialog is crucial. - [Fernandinho yelling]
No! Michele! [screaming]
- [snarling] - Ooh!
[grunts]
Michele!
I'll pay more! I'll pay more child support, I'll raise it!
- [distorted] But are you serious? - I am! I'm serious.
Yes, yes, my friend.
Give up a little.
[distorted] You'll give me the house at the beach.
That's not fair. I bought the beach house after our divorce!
- [snarls] - Fine, you can have it! It's yours!
[distorted] I want a car. A new one.
And the pet shop.
An apartment and my daughter's name on the lease.
Oh, God!
[distorted] How cheaply you let it all go. I won.
I want everything you have. Everything!
Everything!
All of it! All of it!
And I want justice!
Oh, you want justice? Here you go!
- [thud] - [metal clattering]
Uh?
[panicked groaning]
[panicked sob]
- [sickening crack] - [Fernandinho howls]
[panicked scream]
[thud]
[gasping breaths]
[comic suspenseful music playing]
[tires screeching]
- [ringing tone] - Carol, answer the phone! For God's sake!
Come on! Answer.
[Carol] Hi, Dad. How's it going?
Hey, sweetie, where are you right now?
I went to my Mom's house like you told me to.
No, for God's sake, get out of there! Sweetie, get out of there now!
But why?
[dramatic sting]
Uncle Greg!
Sweetheart?
Hello, Carol? Carol?
Hello, Carol.
What are you doing here at my Mom's?
It was the biggest coincidence in the world.
I was at a club and I ran into her. And we became friends.
- You can't be for real. - I'm serious.
Why don't you come inside? We'll talk.
[hesitates] No, I can't. My dad needs me at home.
And I'm already running a bit late.
Did I tell you we're having a party on Halloween? I mean, not a party.
No, a ball.
- You could come in and help us. - No, I have to go. I can't.
- [dramatic sting] - [gasps]
Get in the house.
[tires screech]
[Fernandinho] Sweetheart, run! Carol! Run, Carol! Hurry up!
Hurry up! Get in the car. Come quickly. Please get in the car!
- Come! Let's go! - Drive! Please, Dad!
[motor revs]
[tires screeching]
[music crescendos, fades]
[Fernandinho] Are you okay? Did he do anything to you?
[Carol] I'm okay. Relax.
- But how's Mom? - [sighs]
It's not looking good, sweetie, and I'm sorry.
But I promise I'll fix it.
Please trust me. I promise.
I also wanted to go ahead and tell you that
you were right, sweetie. I... I was an idiot.
I didn't listen to you, and now this thing is spreading.
We need to join forces and...
To save the family?
No, honey.
To do the right thing.
You're a much bigger person than me.
You're the best father ever.
- I love you. - I love you too.
But the problem is I don't know where to start.
Okay, but first we need to make a plan.
Let's talk to Ameba, because Uncle Greg said something about a party?
A party?
It's a ball.
With vampires.
[groans]
- [crow caws] - [man 1 humming]
[man 2] Hey, boss.
Can you confirm that everything is correct for the delivery?
[Reinfildo mutters indistinctly]
Party here is going to be awesome.
Amazing production value.
What is it going to be, huh? Graduation? Sweet 16? [laughs]
Oh, Jesus, Jesus.
- My bad. Memorial? - [pencil scratching]
Of course, yeah. That's complicated.
Oh, God, there's... another one. My God.
Jesus.
Unlucky, boss.
Oh, it's cold. I... I'm shivering.
Uh, my God!
Check it out. Apparently, Carol was right.
The vampires will have a party, and with good reason.
Ullah Drax, a powerful Romanian businessman, is in Brazil.
Everyone suspects that he's the real Count Dracula.
They suspect? Ullah Drax? Ullah Drax!
It's obvious this guy is Count Dracula. What's there to suspect?
It's obvious for us because we believe it.
People don't know any better. But he is... He is the vampire alpha.
Dad, if we kill Ullah Drax, all the others go back to normal.
And we could save Greg!
- Who said I want to save Greg? - What about Mom?
Don't ask me such difficult questions, sweetie.
And Chicão and Claudionor!
And all the other people, Dad.
I know, you're right. I'm sorry. I had the worst night.
I don't wanna see any vampires.
- [yells] - [yells]
Sweetheart, for the love of God! Don't bite Papa. Your Papa loves you!
- Bite Ameba! He's not family. - Don't come close!
Take the boy!
Don't overreact. You don't need to do all of that. She's just so cute!
- Cute? Tell that to my underwear. - It's uncalled-for, okay?
- What's with the costume? - Ah! It's for Halloween.
The imported American holiday the kids love.
I'll confess, I'd prefer she be Curupira. A national hero, a creature of light.
But she wanted to dress up as a vampire, so she's gonna be a vampire. Let's change.
- The party's tomorrow, sweetie. - Halloween?
Tomorrow already?
Well, the plan is as follows. Sweetheart, let me ask you something.
What's that thing you like? "Codplace"?
- Cosplay. - Cosplay, exactly.
You could dress up as some vampires, yeah?
Yes, I can do that. It's possible.
[funky suspenseful music playing]
Tomorrow night, we'll all be disguised as vampires.
That way Vanessa won't suspect anything, because it's Halloween.
[crafty laugh]
In the meantime, we will take care of the equipment.
I'll make stakes.
[music continues]
[Fernandinho] Ameba, you take care of the rest.
- What rest? - The rest.
Arrows, a crucifix, and holy water.
[music continues]
VAMPIRE SLAYING KIT
BONUS! CARVED CROSS
SAME-DAY DELIVERY BUY NOW
And I know where to take it. To the church.
[bell tolls]
Because we're gonna need a priest...
to bless everything, okay?
After that, we'll wait for the sun to set,
and we'll rendezvous...
here.
In our living room here at home.
- Fernandinho, you drew the whole house. - Shut up. Can you draw?
Do you know the hard work it took me to do this?
Tremendous hard work. I used two pens.
We'll strut around like it's just Halloween.
"Oh, Halloween, it's happening. Such a fun holiday."
I'll park the car far from the house. Notice how far.
Genius. Genius!
Ssh! Don't interrupt me.
Then, we will move... [imitates revving]
...in the direction of the house of Michele.
- When we get there... - We will kill Drax!
Shut your mouth. That was my moment.
We will kill...
Ullah Drax.
- Yeah! - Oh, such a nerd.
[music continues]
[record skid]
- [daughter] Hi, Dad. - Hi, sweetie.
She ruined our whole thing.
[Vanessa] I love your costumes, guys. My love, you look amazing!
- Oh, that's great, honey. - [camera clicks]
- You look just like Hebe. - No... Oh, man.
- [Vanessa] Aren't you coming? - No, I'm going with them.
I can't leave them alone. You know, teenagers. [laughs]
- Okay. - I'll see you later.
- [Vanessa] We want vegan candy. - [Fernandinho] Hebe?
[upbeat music playing]
[Carol] You need to keep up, Dad!
I can't walk anywhere with this costume up my ass.
Get a look at this guy! [chuckling]
Dude, that's sick!
Hey, dude, you really do make a convincing nun.
[awkward laugh] No, this is not...
- That's, like, really scary. - It's wild.
Honey, did you have a worse costume that you could have given me or no?
Dad, don't complain.
[eerie music playing]
[tires screech]
[music fades]
[dramatic ominous music playing]
[crow cawing]
[Fernandinho] Ameba, did you bring everything that we need?
[Ameba] Yeah, right here. Balloons with holy water,
a crucifix and stakes.
- Good. - And the crossbow?
- [rattling] - Oh boy.
How stupid can one person be?
Well, well, well.
What a night for sipping some blood, right guys?
To exchange ideas...
Not now? Okay.
Stakes, the crucifix... Everything's blessed?
- Yes, everything here is ready. - Come on, hurry.
Don't make the sign of the cross. Are you crazy? Trying to get caught?
[sniffs, grunts]
[Reinfildo grunts]
- Ameba, please, don't screw this up. - [Ameba] Okay.
[spooky organ music playing]
- [indistinct chatter] - [scattered laughter]
We have to avoid bumping into people that know us.
[growls]
[chuckling]
Holy crap! What has my mother done to her house?
I can't believe it!
I love your hair! [shrill laugh]
- Oof! - I know. Mama didn't recognize you.
That is traumatizing. Daddy will pay for therapy.
Listen here, we need to figure out where the big boss is.
- I don't see him anywhere. - Me neither.
- I see it. - Who?
Not "who," but "what."
My ball with Pelé's autograph.
I'm taking that ball home with me tonight.
- Dad, I don't think this is the time... - Ssh!
That ball is very important to me.
It's from when he played for Vasco.
[breathy] Hey, Carol is right, man.
I can't understand a word with this.
Carol's right. Not the time to worry about Pelé's ball.
Do you understand what you said? For God's sake, kid.
What do we do now?
I think it's best to split up so we get a better view.
Yes. Good idea, sweetie. Very smart.
What part... What part of "split up" is confusing you?
[laughter, party chatter]
[Reinfildo growls]
Oh, how's it going?
I'm sorry. I don't have any change for you.
Ooh, I'm sorry. I guess that's a cyst back there.
- You can have that removed. Ooh! - [dramatic sting]
Hey, we asked if you'd like to have some blood.
- Yes, that's okay. - Yeah, go on.
- Is it red? - All blood is red.
[Fernandinho] Yeah, I would be interested but...
Not tonight, because I'm on a very strict diet,
due to a problem with my gallbladder.
What are you saying? I've never seen a vampire refuse blood.
Uh, no it's just that...
Oh, we've got an audience now.
No, okay, it's fine. I'll just start the diet on Monday.
[Homero] Drink up.
Yes, I'll drink up. I...
[gagging]
Uh, what is the vintage? Is it AB positive?
[indistinct]
Hmm, it's viscous. If you look carefully, it's viscous.
- It's not a problem. - Drink up.
Yes, yes, I'll drink up. I... [clears throat]
This vintage...
[all gasp]
[Fernandinho] Hmm. Hmm!
Very good. Wow, so good.
Wow... [smacks lips] ...ah!
Very good. Oh, boy, that's perfectly... [gags] ...delicious.
It's got a very slight taste of hemoglobin.
Is that what I'm tasting?
And the aftertaste? Well, that is cholesterol.
It's very fine blood.
But I'll just stick to having that one glass, my friend.
You never know when you're leaving.
It went straight through me. I hadn't had any in a long time.
Every single time this happens, I have to...
If you'll excuse me.
You better get that checked. Excuse me, Mr. Speak-a-Lot.
[sniffs]
[owl hooting]
- [laughing] - [organ music playing]
Hello. How are you?
Hey. Very short. Little guy.
Oh, Little Red Riding Hood, hello.
Where are you going, handsome?
I was just walking around here. [nervous laugh]
- How are you? - Just fine.
- I love your outfit. - Ah, so glad you like it.
I bought it from an outlet store in Transylvania. Do you know Transylvania?
- I love it. - Ah.
- I'm from there. - You are?
Holy crap, I'm spinning.
Bastard!
[Fernandinho] Jesus, you really got me there.
[record skid]
[funky music playing]
I like that jam.
That... That's my jam right there.
♪ It's your lucky day ♪
♪ I get close to suck that neck ♪
- ♪ Suck ♪ - ♪ Suck that neck ♪
♪ We're getting the party going In my coffin ♪
♪ She is ready with a glass in her hand ♪
♪ She looks good and ready for blood ♪
♪ So tasty! ♪
♪ Vampi, vampi, vampire ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ She's ready to party ♪
♪ It's your lucky day ♪
Silence! Silence, please.
- My guest has something to say. - Thank you, queen.
Friends, I'd like a moment of your attention.
Today is a very special day.
We are celebrating having the honor of welcoming our great leader.
Ullah Drax,
better known as Count Dracula!
[all gasp]
[man] Master!
[woman] Master.
Hey, look over here.
My subjects.
My friends.
My loyal soldiers.
This is a very important moment for every single one of us.
The lands of the North with frigid nights
have been conquered.
Half of the world is ours.
But the sunny lands of the South,
where it's warm...
We have only just begun our purpose on this plain.
We still have much to do around here.
You are just the beginning of a great and glorious civilization,
of a brand-new race! [sinister laugh]
We must come to understand we have many enemies around us.
None of us is safe from being attacked
or from being killed by some mortal enemy.
But I assure you, as long as I survive,
all of you will survive.
- Greg? - I'm here, master.
You were fundamental in this conquest.
Without you, none of this would be possible.
Thank you, master, thank you.
I'm very happy with all your efforts.
I have a surprise prepared for you.
I know you could never bring yourself to transform your sister and your niece.
[Vanessa] I'm sorry. Wow, it's so dusty here.
How great.
But I will not let you go forward and enjoy eternal life without them.
[Vanessa] Wow, it's so dusty here.
Party for dust mites. I forgot my antihistamines.
[gasps] Vanessa!
Brother, your boss was insistent that we come here.
Ah! He's right behind me. I'm a married woman.
Oh my God. That's close. Wow. [giggles]
You guys, what an amazing production. The party looks great!
Wait. Is that Michele? She looks different.
What's that salad-eater doing in my house, huh?
Here we go.
Just look at the pale witch. Right? So pale.
Did you get fillers? I mean, that face looks like a war zone.
[trills] Uh, I look better, right? Hmm?
Let's make a toast...
- [woman] Long live Drax! - ...to conquering a new continent!
Long live Drax!
[crowd] Long live Drax!
- [Vanessa] Long live! - Long live Drax!
[crowd chanting] Long live Drax!
- [Vanessa] Long live Drax! - [crowd chanting] Long live Drax!
[chanting intensifies]
Long live!
[crowd continues chanting]
Ssh!
[Vanessa] Long live!
[Vanessa exclaims]
[chanting continues]
- [agonized growl] - [crowd screaming]
[panicked screams]
[screams fade to silence]
[gags]
[vampires gasping]
- [Fernandinho] Oh, that's great. - What's going on?
I know what this is, Carol. You see, I know what this is.
It's indigestion. It's because he eats meat.
- It takes eight hours to digest. - We are the ones that'll be digested.
- Vanessa! - Fernandinho? What are you doing here?
Oh my love, I'm saving the world from an invasion of vampires! Understand?
Again with this story?
- It's not a story. I'm telling you. - [ominous growl]
[growl intensifies]
[arrow clatters]
We should get out of here.
[thunder roll]
And who pray tell is this?
- What is going on here, Ameba? - I don't know.
- What is going on here? - I just asked that.
- Uncle Greg! - Oh, thank goodness, brother.
What's going on, Greg?
Vanessa! [hisses]
Stay, Vanessa.
No one let our guests run away.
Or should I say...
our precious main course this evening?
Guys, I'm not getting very good energy from you here.
I'm not really enjoying this game. Count me out.
It's not a game, Vanessa.
[growling, hissing]
[evil laughter]
- [Fernandinho] Go! - [Carol] Over here.
Hey, Ameba?
My cross is not working. I think it might be broken.
Hey, we have holy water! So much of it.
[Ameba] And it's very wet!
- All water is wet! A stupid thing to say. - I didn't know what to say.
- [Drax] Bring them to me up here. - Oh, yeah?
That's not holy water. I'd sense it from afar.
Yeah? All right then, we'll see about that. Die!
- Die! - [Ameba] Die!
Die!
- Die! - Die!
- Sucker, die! - Ameba, why aren't they dying?
- They should be dying. - They should.
- Why aren't they? - I don't know!
Bring those idiots to me.
[all yelling]
[screams] Run, Ameba! Run! [screaming]
Dad, come on!
- Hurry, and shut the door! - [screaming]
- [Fernandinho] Hold it, Vanessa! - Let me out of here!
- Please, hurry up and get something. - Go on, hit it now!
What's happening, Fernandinho?
Really? You still don't understand? Seriously?
- Dad was right. Uncle Greg is a vampire. - That's amazing.
Stop it. Greg is vegan! He wouldn't drink blood.
He's not vegan, Vanessa! Stop with that. Your brother's an evil creature from hell.
That's it. He's a bloodsucking vampire!
You have to stop defending your brother for once in your life, Vanessa!
[growling]
[grunting]
He convinced me this whole time. Please help me here!
- Oh, for God's sake. Hold this, sweetie. - Dad, we need to find a way out of here.
Guys, the door won't hold for much longer.
What can we do? We don't have weapons!
- Yes, we do. - Where?
They don't work, kiddo! Are you sure you had them blessed?
- Of course, I went to a church! - Which church?
It's not important. What are you talking about?
It is important. It had to be a Roman Catholic Apostolic church.
- With a priest. - Oh.
- Keep blocking the door, okay? - I needed a priest?
Which church was it? Please.
Uh, I went to a cool church. It looked like a mall. "God is Great."
"God is Great"? You didn't go to "God is Great."
It's Oliveira's. No way, he played with me.
- I went to one, but it was closed. - Listen, man, I'm not kidding.
Completely useless. I'll feed you to them.
- Get over here. Come here, you. - I'm sorry!
Ouch, Dad! We can't do this now. We need to find another way out.
- There's no other way out! - I know... I know what to do!
The book says that if the arrows and water are not blessed,
they could be anointed with the blood of a virgin.
- Ah! Problem solved! - So we just need the blood of a virgin.
- Give me your hand. - Now is your time to save the world.
Give me your hand. I'm sorry. I know you don't like blood.
- [Vanessa] Not Carol. No. - Now is not the time to be afraid.
- Uh, no, Dad, I... I'm not a virgin. - What?!
[choked sob]
My daughter is not a virgin!
[Vanessa] Not a big deal. We can talk about it when we get home.
Honey, you're overreacting.
Please, Dad.
- It was you. - No!
- I know it was you. - We were never together.
- Guys, listen. - What?
I'm a virgin, okay?
- Wow, really? - [Vanessa] Jesus.
- He just said that... God, you're a virgin! - Seriously?
You lied to me. You said you weren't a virgin.
Only you can lie now?
- Never mind. You can use my blood. - Find a vein.
- [Carol] You moron!
It can only be the blood of a virgin, and it has to be a girl.
- Men won't work. - That's right.
I confessed for nothing!
You exposed yourself when you didn't have to. I'll tell everyone.
- Be careful, dear. - We will die!
- Ameba! - We'll die!
Let's hug each other to die together. Except Ameba.
- Wait! We've got it, you guys. - What?
There is a virgin among us.
Monica! Duh.
But I thought I was a Leo.
Ssh! No, I don't wanna hear a word from you.
Can you block the door?
- I'm trying! - [Vanessa] Hold the door!
[Drax] Hmm.
Master...
I apologize for the commotion.
No apologies are necessary, Greg.
You've made everything a bit more fun here for us.
Anyway, they'll all be dead soon enough.
- But they're my family. - Previous!
Now we are your family eternal,
Gregório.
- [grunts indistinctly] - Ugh!
- [Vanessa] Does it hurt, sweetie? - Not at all.
I'm so proud. My daughter's so brave!
- Very brave. - Listen up, guys. Everyone behind me.
Okay, Ameba, distribute the stakes to everyone.
Let's go!
- Come on. - [Fernandinho] Let's go.
Be very careful!
Stay behind me. Ameba, open the door.
[all screaming]
[agonized roar]
No one gonna stop me now!
[panicked grunting]
Get out of the way, vampires!
- [growling] - [screams]
- I'm trying, babe, hold on. - [Vanessa] Go, honey. Hurry.
- [Carol] Go, Dad, hurry! - [Monica] Go, Dad.
- [Vanessa] Be careful! - [Carol] Dad.
- [screams] - Ameba!
Oh, God!
[Carol] Ameba!
No!
- Carol! - [Ameba] Go!
[vampire bride death rattle]
- Are you okay? - Yes.
- Careful. - Go, Carol, nice.
[panting]
- We'll see you at home. - Go, go, go.
When you get outside, you need to run, okay?
My love, please protect little Monica. All right, sweetie?
Ameba and I will take care of this.
- It'll all be fine, I swear. - Okay.
- You're amazing. Hmm. - Yeah?
- Better than your brother Greg? - Much better.
Take care. Be careful, Ameba!
Go, go, go. Come on, Ameba.
- [dramatic sting] - Huh?
[Ameba grunts]
- Did you miss me, bro-in-law? - No, Greg! Greg!
You got Vanessa into this.
She was safe, you idiot!
- [Vanessa] Wait up! - [Monica] Come on, Mom!
[Vanessa] Wait, honey! Mom's wearing heels!
Hey, maybe we can use that van!
Get into the van!
Get in, Carol, get in! Come on, close it!
- Where are the keys? - Hurry! Hurry! Vanessa!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
- [dramatic sting] - [all screaming]
- Who even is that? - That's my mom!
- I never really liked your mother. - She kinda knew that.
[throaty roar]
You were the one who brought all those vampires here!
What did my sister see in you, huh?
We obviously don't choose our in-laws.
[thud]
- But we can take them out of the family. - We are family!
No, a brother-in-law is not a relative!
- Fernandinho! - Get out of here, Ameba!
[heroic music playing]
[Gregório screams]
Ha-ha-ha!
He's a Vasco fan to his bones.
- This is for Vasco, boy! - [both chuckling]
- Let's go, Mom! - I would but I don't have the keys!
Start the car, Vanessa!
- How? I don't have the keys! - Well, hot-wire the car!
[ominous rumble]
It's not the cross we're afraid of.
But the faith that you give to the cross.
However, faith alone
may not be a sufficient defense.
Ah, don't give me that.
You're afraid of coming anywhere near this cross.
That's true, but it's not necessary for me to come near you
or to anyone, to be able to kill.
[swooshing energy charge]
Whoa, did you see that?
Is he a vampire or a Jedi? It's supernatural!
[chilling scream]
Jesus! Where did she... [screams]
[metallic screech]
[distorted] Look who's here.
You clearly don't understand.
You can't resist us.
We will dominate the Southern provinces. It's only a matter of time.
Aah!
[thud]
Now I'm really screwed. What a way to die.
Killing you will be absolutely delicious.
[gulps]
[bloodcurdling snarl]
He turned into a bat. Oh my God.
[terrifying growl]
[dramatic music builds]
Jesus! [grunting]
Ameba!
Jesus! [panting]
For God's sake.
[yelling]
[groans]
[yells]
[tense demonic music building]
It's your ball, Fernandinho!
- [music fades] - [heart beating]
[crowd cheering]
[shrieking]
[coughs]
Ugh! I swallowed a vampire! [spluttering]
[gags] I swallowed a vampire. Ugh.
[gagging]
[spitting] I think that was part of his ass. Ugh!
Man, that was your best goal!
It's for Vasco, Ameba! Yeah!
Fernandinho, do you know where we are?
Oh! Homero!
Are you back to normal? Man.
[Vanessa] Come on, come on, sweetie.
Careful. Come here.
- [both scream] - [Michele] Anybody out there?
Get me out of here! [pounding]
- [Michele] Who locked me in here? - No, careful, Carol!
[Carol] Mom, is it you?
What?
- Ugh. - [Monica] Hi.
- Oh, they did it! - Yeah, thank God!
Mom, I'm so happy you're back!
I'm back from where?
I'm confused. What am I doing here?
Yeah, really long story, but I'll tell you later.
Here's what we'll do. I'll stop by your office, okay?
Go ahead. The exit is over there. Go ahead.
- Man... What are you looking at? - Fernando?
Hey! No way. Oh, boy. Hey. Oh, God.
- What is this, Fernando? - Sorry?
- What are you doing here? - What am I...
I just...
- Where are we? - You are... You... eh hey...
- What are you doing? - Everything okay with you?
- Do you see the cross? - [laughs] I like it.
[shivers] You're all... Everything normal?
Are you normal? Did you go back to normal?
I feel really strange, Fernando. God, I missed you.
I missed you a lot. You know that I really care about you, right?
- You have a place here in my heart. - It's him. The same pain in my neck.
I mean it, Fernando. You're the brother I never had.
- That's too much. - Listen, I got to ask.
Can I crash at your house? I kind of messed up.
See the nightmare he makes my lie? Dozens of hotels and he stays in my house.
- Thank God you're okay. I was so worried. - Oh, my love, I'm okay.
- Uncle Greg! - Hey!
It's so good to have you back, Greg.
Will someone notice the vampire slayer here?
I slew all the vampires! Let me make that very clear!
Fernandinho, easy. Calm down.
- I appreciate it. - All right, my love.
Hey, give me a kiss. No, no kisses.
- Ah! My hero! - I'm a poodle now.
It's so great to see you guys. I don't know why but I missed you so much.
- There he goes again. - Family is everything.
- Come on. - Hey, Uncle Greg!
Hey!
Who did all the tacky remodeling in my house?
- You did, Mom. - [Fernandinho] Exactly.
Then who broke my window?
That was me. I was busy saving the world... I don't have to explain myself.
You know what I miss the most?
I really miss it.
- Family pile! - Oh, no!
- We talked about this! No! - [all laughing]
[Fernandinho] No!
God, he tickled me!
I hate family pile. Not again!
[all giggling]
[Fernandinho] We're reaching the end of the show.
But before we go, I would love it if you shared your thoughts
with the viewers watching us right now,
who are so anxious for a message from Zico.
Please, take it away.
Fernandinho, it's been a pleasure to be here.
I'd like to... uh, take this opportunity to say something important.
You were accused of throwing a match and intentionally missing that goal.
- And I mean, these things happen. - Yeah.
[Zico] Right? I've witnessed your growth. I know you're a good man.
People do always say that you threw that match
and missed an easy goal, but you didn't.
I trust you completely. Oh, and also,
you were never a traitor, or what they say in the language of football.
Keep going, man.
So I just wanted to make my thoughts about you very clear.
[stifled sobbing]
Zico!
Man, I needed this. I was such a mess. They say I'm a traitor...
- It's all right. - ...a backstabber.
- I'm not a traitor. - You're not a traitor.
I never was!
[sobbing]
Stop recording.
Man, that was an amazing interview. Zico and me, right?
- [laughs] You look awful when you cry. - Yeah, you're a big crybaby.
That's not necessary, all right? [mimics Ameba]
Sorry, Mr. Fernando.
You're calling me Mr. Fernando now?
Carol asked me to.
Ooh! It's hot, it's hot, it's hot. Careful.
- Look at what we have. - Is that meat? Sweetheart!
Oh yes, I made an exception.
You deserve it.
- Get over here. - No, no need for that.
Okay, but we could try it at some point. Maybe in an hour? Yeah? No?
What a beautiful blouse that you're wearing!
Yeah, only because I couldn't find my Ravengoroki T-shirt.
No kidding? I wonder where it went.
[chuckles]
Welcome to the family.
- Oh my God, that's cringe. - Thanks.
What's the matter? [chuckles]
- You're doing the dishes, kiddo. - [doorbell]
- My love, will you please get the door? - Hmm?
Right, yeah, you got it.
- Hey. - [Fernandinho] Father-in-law!
It's been forever.
Do you think I could stay here for a few days?
And Vanessa? How's my girl?
[quietly] Her family's all homeless.
[louder] Not bad, thank you.
[wolves howling]
- [groans] - [Fernandinho] Oh, yikes.
- [sinister crackling] - That's new.
[growls]
[panicked gasp]
The weather in Rio de Janeiro... It's just not good for me.
So cold!
Come in. Be my guest! Don't be silly.
- [father-in-law] Excuse me. I'm cold. - [chuckling]
- [Vanessa] Dad? - It's your father.
[Vanessa] What a nice surprise!
Oh, awesome.
["Na Aba" by Bezerra da Silva playing]
[song fades]
[funky music playing]
[funky music fades]
[spooky music playing]
[spooky music fades]