1
00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:08,049
[cheering]

2
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:14,514
[announcer] <i>Nashville, Tennessee,
are you ready?</i>

3
00:00:14,597 --> 00:00:16,808
[cheering]

4
00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:20,020
<i>Ryman Auditorium, are you ready?</i>

5
00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:23,148
[cheering]

6
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,816
<i>Please welcome</i>

7
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:31,531
<i>Chelsea Handler!</i>

8
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:34,534
[cheering continues]

9
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,619
[drowned out by cheering]

10
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:45,170
[cheering continues]

11
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,553
[cheering continues]

12
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,765
Yeah!

13
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,808
What's up, Nashville?

14
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,477
[cheering]

15
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,482
Oh, yeah, what a warm welcome.

16
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,567
Woo!

17
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:12,405
Oh my God, you guys, we made it.
We're survivors!

18
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,491
[cheering]

19
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,495
We survived a global pandemic,

20
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,915
and now we're gonna pretend
it's not happening anymore.

21
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,501
And I am down with that!

22
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,086
[cheering]

23
00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:27,921
[sighs contentedly]

24
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:30,048
What an exciting time to be alive.

25
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,220
Right? I mean, I don't wanna
toot my own horn, you guys,

26
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:39,516
but after the last
two and a half, three years

27
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:43,645
of watching everybody
stuck inside their houses

28
00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:45,271
with their spouses

29
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,358
and babies,

30
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:54,739
I have never been more confident
in my life-decision-making skills.

31
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,825
[cheering and applause]

32
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,623
In remaining childless and alone!

33
00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:06,000
[cheering]

34
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:09,504
The entire reason
that I have never had a child

35
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,339
was on the off chance...

36
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,889
I might live through a global pandemic
and would have to home school it.

37
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,517
Fuck that noise.

38
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:27,147
There are people that will never recover
from what happened.

39
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,607
And they're called parents.

40
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,902
Can you imagine becoming a parent,

41
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,864
you've already made a huge miscalculation,

42
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:38,992
and the one reprieve you get

43
00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:42,287
is when you send that child
off to school to get an education,

44
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,332
and that is stolen away from you
in the name of a plague?

45
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:55,633
The real reason I've never had a child
was I don't wanna be responsible

46
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:59,053
for conveying misinformation
to people that are growing.

47
00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:04,267
You know? I'm still confused
about a lot of shit that is going on.

48
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:09,147
And at a certain age,
it is too embarrassing to ask questions.

49
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,614
I only recently found out...

50
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,951
And by recently, I mean seven years ago,
when I turned 40.

51
00:03:23,077 --> 00:03:26,581
I only recently found out
that the sun and the moon

52
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,041
are not the same thing.

53
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,382
I was flabbergasted.

54
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:41,763
I was in Africa on safari
with my older sister, Simone,

55
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,389
and we were riding an elephant,

56
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,601
and there was an African man
riding the elephant for us

57
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:49,187
because that's what rich white bitches do.

58
00:03:54,817 --> 00:03:56,319
And we were trotting along,

59
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,656
or whatever it's called
when an elephant is on the move.

60
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,744
And my sister, Simone,
slaps me on the shoulder,

61
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:07,830
and she goes,
"Chels, Chels, look up at the sky."

62
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,458
"It's not often you get to see the sun...

63
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:17,590
and the moon

64
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:19,926
at the same time."

65
00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:21,009
And I was like...

66
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,682
I was like Scooby-Doo.

67
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,308
[mimicking Scooby-Doo] "Where is it?"

68
00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,978
I said, "Aren't they always together?"

69
00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:33,898
And the look on my sister's face,

70
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:36,651
right away, I was like,
"Back that up. Back that up."

71
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,989
She goes, "What did you say?"
I said, "I didn't say anything."

72
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:46,411
She goes, "I heard what you said."

73
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,539
"And I need you to explain to me

74
00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:54,502
what you think is happening
between the sun and the moon."

75
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,384
I was like, "Listen, honestly,
I haven't really thought about it."

76
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:04,053
"It's not a huge concern of mine."

77
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,306
"It's operating fine
without my interference."

78
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:09,142
"Why would I even get involved,
you narcissist?"

79
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,521
"But if you must know,

80
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,149
I just assumed

81
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:19,319
that when the sun dropped down,

82
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,237
it popped back up as the moon."

83
00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:24,949
"Is that not what's going on?"

84
00:05:26,909 --> 00:05:30,330
The man riding the elephant,
who spoke no English, went, "Pfft!"

85
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,713
He was thinking, "Another dumb American."

86
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,551
My sister goes, "How is it possible
that you're 40 years old

87
00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:47,513
and you make this kind of living
and you don't know basic astronomy?"

88
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:51,225
I said, "Why don't you
back the duck up, okay?"

89
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,771
"We are in the southern hemisphere
right now."

90
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:57,440
"I don't even know
which moon you're talking about."

91
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,660
She goes, "No, you listen to me."

92
00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:11,621
"There is one moon."

93
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:15,917
"In the whole solar system,
there's one fucking moon."

94
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:18,753
"And then there's a sun.
There's also one sun."

95
00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:22,090
"And then there's one fucking moron.
Which one are you?"

96
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,347
I was like, "The sun?"

97
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:37,313
Before this pandemic, I had never
spent two weeks alone with myself.

98
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:43,027
I had never had a clue about how much
I enjoyed the pleasure of my own company.

99
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:45,529
I was fun.

100
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,573
[cheering]

101
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:48,657
Yeah.

102
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,367
Thank you.

103
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:54,497
I'd wake up. I'd be in a good mood.
She'd be in a good mood.

104
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:59,669
I'd be like, "You wanna party?" I'm like,
"I don't know, does me? Yeah, let's go!"

105
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:05,716
Nothing serves as a better reminder
to not having children

106
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,345
as setting your alarm for 10:00 a.m.
on a Monday morning.

107
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,431
[cheering and applause]

108
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,145
To remind yourself to do mushrooms.

109
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:24,110
Have you ever taken mushrooms,
walked outside into your backyard,

110
00:07:24,193 --> 00:07:27,947
and talked to what you thought was a tree
for two hours

111
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,617
until you realized
you were talking to your landscaper?

112
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:39,083
Have you ever taken mushrooms
with your landscaper?

113
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,796
You know who has time for that?
People who make strong decisions.

114
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:44,880
[cheering]

115
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,677
I know people who are married

116
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,221
were going through their own personal hell
during COVID.

117
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,600
And single people were going through
their own version of hell

118
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:59,020
because we were like, "Oh, when are
we gonna get something going again?"

119
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,981
The first dip there was in COVID,
it wasn't safe,

120
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:04,275
but I was like,
"I gotta get back out there."

121
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,487
I went in to see my gynecologist,

122
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,822
and I was like,
"Listen, just tell me what's safe."

123
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:13,242
You know, "Do I just get it from behind?
What's the best practice?"

124
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:24,670
She said, "I know you think
you're in your forties

125
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,214
and you can't get pregnant,

126
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:30,343
but I'm here to tell you
that you have the eggs of a 25-year-old."

127
00:08:33,262 --> 00:08:36,557
I wanted to stab her with a fork
when she said that.

128
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,587
I told her she could take my eggs

129
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,772
and turn them into a frittata
for all I care.

130
00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:45,608
I am looking to wrap shit up
in this department,

131
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,276
not get the party started.

132
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:51,572
I'm not into elderly pregnancies.

133
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:53,741
Gross.

134
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,872
I once did a Gwyneth Paltrow Goop panel
in New York City,

135
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:03,626
and we were all on stage
on benches like this with microphones.

136
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:08,589
It was Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow,
Laura Linney from <i>Ozark, </i>and me.

137
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,592
[scattered cheering and applause]

138
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:16,097
And we're all sitting there,
you know, talking about soap.

139
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:25,064
And the conversation slowly shifted
to parenting, so I nodded off.

140
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,652
I knew I had nothing to contribute
on that topic.

141
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:33,114
You know what I mean? I'm not arrogant
to think, "I'm gonna chime in."

142
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:34,782
Then I heard Laura Linney

143
00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:39,203
talking about how all she ever wanted
her entire life was to become a mother.

144
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,122
That was her one true purpose.

145
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,583
And that she had
a really hard time getting pregnant,

146
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:47,003
and so she did several rounds
of in vitro fertilization.

147
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,339
And then, out of respect,
I opened my eyes.

148
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,139
And then she said the sentence,

149
00:09:58,222 --> 00:09:59,932
"And then by some act of God,

150
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:04,729
I was able to vaginally give birth
at the age of 50," and I went...

151
00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:05,938
"Bleurgh!"

152
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:09,275
And grabbed my pikachu.

153
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,569
My vagina sewed itself shut that day.

154
00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:16,032
I thought I was gonna catch her baby
just by virtue of her talking about it.

155
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,034
"Get the fuck away from me, Laura Linney."

156
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:21,078
"Get the fuck away from me
with your 50-year-old baby."

157
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,295
I'm not against people having children.

158
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:33,007
If you're passionate about wanting a baby,
I get it. I wanna support you.

159
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:36,093
But it's when you're on the fence
and you have a baby.

160
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,804
When you're in your forties,
like many of my girlfriends,

161
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,824
who accidentally get pregnant,
and they're like...

162
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:41,849
[groans]

163
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,559
"I guess I'll have a baby."

164
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:47,188
It's like, "Hey, bitch, get an abortion
while you still can, okay?"

165
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,690
[cheering]

166
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,864
You're not doing any baby any favor

167
00:10:56,947 --> 00:10:59,909
by being on the fence
about becoming a parent.

168
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:03,954
[cheering and applause]

169
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,499
Or my brother.

170
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:10,002
I was with my brother the other day,
and I said, "Why are you even a parent?"

171
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,172
I said, "You're not very good at it."

172
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:18,219
He said, "Chelsea,
I had to think about my legacy."

173
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:21,847
I said, "Who are you talking to?
Is someone behind me?"

174
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:22,931
"What are you talking..."

175
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:26,936
"You had to think about your... Who the fuck
are you to think about your lega..."

176
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,854
"Who do you think you are,

177
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:33,734
that people are waiting to see
what you leave behind on this earth?"

178
00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,237
"Your legacy is
that you're my fucking brother."

179
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,032
[cheering and applause]

180
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,333
So embarrassing when men
say things like that.

181
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,712
You know? Sometimes, you have to pretend
you can't hear. You're like...

182
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,797
[high-pitched whining]

183
00:11:57,383 --> 00:12:01,303
I say I don't wanna be a mother,
but I wouldn't mind being a divorced dad.

184
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:07,768
I could crush that role.
Coming in hot at, like, 50% all the time.

185
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:13,649
Yeah. Showing up Friday afternoons
with unicorn frappuccinos,

186
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,860
and then back to The Cheesecake Factory,

187
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,236
and then back to Starbucks,

188
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:21,699
and then drop 'em off and skedaddle Monday
before shit really hits the fan.

189
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,164
I could crush that role.

190
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:29,957
Or a stepfather.

191
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,168
That's another role I would crush.

192
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,670
Nobody expects anything from you guys.

193
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:37,965
But it's important to know

194
00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:40,593
when you don't have the skills
to raise a baby, you know?

195
00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:42,928
Instead of shaming people,
we should say, "Oh, good."

196
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,389
"Good for you for knowing
that you shouldn't have a baby."

197
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:49,477
We should get a carbon credit
for not polluting to mass population.

198
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,562
[cheering and applause]

199
00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,737
I know I don't have the skills
to raise a baby.

200
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:03,073
I have rescued nine dogs in my life.

201
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,159
[cheering and applause]

202
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:07,285
Thank you.

203
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,872
I've returned four.

204
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,549
Because I have a type.

205
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:24,595
And I'm impulsive,
and I don't think things through.

206
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,389
And like any other animal lover
here tonight,

207
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:31,393
when you have a type, you stick
to that type, and my type is slow

208
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:33,979
and overweight.

209
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,565
That is what I'm looking for in an animal.

210
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:43,197
I'm not looking to go on long walks
with my animal or go for hikes

211
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,908
or even play fetch,
quite frankly, you know?

212
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:50,996
I wanna come home
at the end of a long day and snuggle.

213
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,916
I wanna get into bed with the Lion King,

214
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:57,294
you know, and have him on top of me
with his big, fat face

215
00:13:57,378 --> 00:14:00,589
and his big, meaty neck
swaying back and forth

216
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,550
while I wrap my arms around him.

217
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:06,220
And then, when it gets too hot,
I can say, "Get the fuck off of me."

218
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,228
That's what I'm looking for
in a companion.

219
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,191
And I went to England,
and I went to a dog show.

220
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,985
We were filming something, obviously,

221
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,863
'cause I would never
seriously go to a dog show.

222
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,075
And I saw a Bernese mountain dog.

223
00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:30,369
I had never seen this type of dog before.

224
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:35,040
I was like, "Oh my God. This is something
I would conjure up in my best dream."

225
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,210
They're perfect.
They're black and brown and white.

226
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,920
And they're lazy, you know?

227
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,922
They don't wanna do anything. I was like...

228
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,009
You can tell in their eyes
that they just have no gumption.

229
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:46,092
Like, "Uh?"

230
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:47,970
I was like, "I want that dog."

231
00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:50,097
I came home. I told my assistant, Tanner.

232
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:53,309
I said, "You need to get me
a Bernese mountain dog."

233
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,898
But when you're a celebrity,
you cannot buy a dog.

234
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,317
You have to rescue all of your animals.

235
00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:06,196
Otherwise, PETA will burn your house down.

236
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:17,249
So I told my assistant, Tanner, "You need
to find me a used Bernese mountain dog."

237
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:31,055
And two weeks later, this seven-pound,
two-week-old Bernese mountain dog

238
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,139
traipsed into my life,

239
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,725
and I couldn't believe it.
I named him Gary right away.

240
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,189
But I hadn't thought it through,
because puppies are energetic.

241
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:43,400
They wanna play. That's all they wanna do.
And their teeth are sharp.

242
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,612
And they jump on everything.
And they're annoying.

243
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:52,618
And my two other dogs met Gary.
Within two hours, they went upstairs

244
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:56,080
to the second floor
and didn't come down for two weeks.

245
00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,668
One of them texted me and said,
"Let us know when Gary's gone."

246
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:11,387
Within 48 hours,
Gary had eaten two of my sofas.

247
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:14,264
Not even my cushions. The entire sofa.

248
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:16,850
I was like, "Oh my God, what is..."

249
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:19,395
We had to remove
all of the downstairs furniture.

250
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,480
I was basically living
in an empty warehouse,

251
00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,732
wearing a miner's lamp and knee pads,

252
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,776
waiting for the next altercation.

253
00:16:27,569 --> 00:16:30,948
On day four, I found a dead owl...

254
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,366
[disgusted groans]

255
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,826
...in my backyard.

256
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,037
I didn't even know owls were real.

257
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,590
I thought they were from <i>Game of Thrones.</i>

258
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:57,182
And then Gary,
every time he slept, he would grow.

259
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:02,354
He would take a nap. He'd wake up,
and I'm like, "Is he bigger? Wha..."

260
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:07,026
And then I started to get suspicious,
so I got a scale. A doggy scale.

261
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:12,197
One night, before he went to sleep,
I weighed him, and he weighed 19 pounds.

262
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,491
And in the morning, he weighed 22 pounds.

263
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:18,954
I was like, "This dog
is going to swallow somebody."

264
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:23,375
I took him to the vet. "I don't know
what's going on with this dog."

265
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,545
"Normally, I would be down with this,
but it's happening too fast,

266
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:27,713
and I'm scared."

267
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,424
And she said, very casually,

268
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:33,802
"Oh, this is a Bernese mountain dog."

269
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:38,557
"You have to massage their anal glands."

270
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:50,360
I said, "Well, we're gonna
have to put him down."

271
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,079
"So do you have a supervisor or..."

272
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:03,665
"Do I do that through PayPal? What's the..."

273
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:13,675
Then a couple of weeks later, I had
a doctor's appointment in Beverly Hills.

274
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,636
That's where you have to go
in Los Angeles.

275
00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:17,554
All the doctors are on the same street.

276
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,058
I put all three dogs in my back seat.

277
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,727
I go to a parking garage in Beverly Hills.

278
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,062
I park on level four.

279
00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:29,441
Gary weighed 49 pounds that morning.

280
00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:35,864
So I got out my calculator and figured out
how much I needed to open the window.

281
00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:37,449
It was two and a half inches.

282
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,078
I cracked the window
two and a half inches 'cause I'm a mother.

283
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,249
I went to my doctor's appointment.
45 minutes. Not even an hour.

284
00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:47,459
I come back, and Gary is gone.

285
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:53,507
And I could tell
by the way my other two dogs were acting

286
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,175
that one of them had opened the door...

287
00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:58,595
and let Gary out.

288
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:07,604
So I look to my right,
and I look to my left.

289
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:10,774
I didn't see Gary,
and I thought, "Thank God that's over."

290
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:21,660
And then I drove down the four stories
hurriedly to get the fuck out of there.

291
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:25,164
And I drive down to the bottom, base camp,

292
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:29,251
and I go up to the little glass partition
where the parking lot attendant lives...

293
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:33,005
and as I'm pulling up,

294
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,757
I see the parking lot attendant
in the little glass booth,

295
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,801
up against the wall,

296
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:42,097
and Gary is just jumping on him,
like this.

297
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,059
And I kept driving.

298
00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:52,941
I just thought, "That's your father now.
Fuck you, Gary. Fuck you."

299
00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:58,488
And I drove all the way home.

300
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:02,701
I get home, and my assistant, Tanner,
comes running out of the house, and goes,

301
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:06,371
"They found Gary! He's in a parking garage
in Beverly Hills."

302
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,624
[frantically]
I'm like, "Where's my baby?!"

303
00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:19,885
And the whole way home,
I'm just like, "You're a cunt."

304
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,597
"You're a dirty little cunt."

305
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,475
I was like, "You can do better than this."

306
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,810
"You can be more maternal.
You have to try."

307
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,939
So I made a commitment.
I was like, "I will try."

308
00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:35,692
I went and I picked him up,
and I did some skin-to-skin.

309
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:43,659
Then I took him to a doggy park,
and we walk into the doggy park,

310
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:47,287
and this woman named Teresa
comes running over, and she's like...

311
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,456
[excited squeal]

312
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:52,501
"Is that a Bernese mountain dog?"

313
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,503
I'm like, "It is. His name is Gary."

314
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:57,214
She's like, "I love
Bernese mountain dogs."

315
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,216
I'm like, "I thought I did too."

316
00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:03,345
She's like, "I've always wanted one,
but they never have them at rescues."

317
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,931
I'm like,
"You're about to rescue one now."

318
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,141
I was like, "Please take Gary."

319
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:11,895
"I'll pay for his clothing and education.
Just fucking take him!"

320
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,106
Gary lives with Teresa now.

321
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:16,316
[cheering and applause]

322
00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:25,951
I found him his forever home.
That's how I look at that story.

323
00:21:28,161 --> 00:21:29,162
And I know enough to know

324
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:31,790
that you can't do that
with a real live baby.

325
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,920
Especially if you are a celebrity.
You will get caught.

326
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:50,726
Now that we're done
making fun of brown and Black people,

327
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,897
I think it's a perfect opportunity
for us to focus on straight, white men.

328
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:56,857
I'll start.

329
00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:58,942
[cheering and applause]

330
00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,325
My sister, the one from the moon,

331
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:09,870
invaded my house during COVID.

332
00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:10,953
She calls me...

333
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:15,500
She has three children,
ages 24, 21, and 18.

334
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,337
Those aren't fucking children. Okay?

335
00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,673
And they live in San Francisco,
so they're in an apartment.

336
00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:24,134
So she goes, "We're on top of each other."

337
00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:27,804
"We might have to come down and live
with you in Los Angeles for a little bit."

338
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:32,142
Keep in mind, I'm having a great time
with my landscaper.

339
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:39,107
But it's my sister, so I say, "Of course,
yes, come move into our house."

340
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:42,110
Meanwhile, I'm googling,
"Which countries can I get into?"

341
00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:44,446
And right away...

342
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,531
It didn't take 48 hours

343
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:50,410
for me to understand what everyone
has been bitching and moaning about

344
00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:52,037
for the last five years.

345
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,248
Because I have one nephew, 24, Jakey,

346
00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:56,666
and I have two nieces.

347
00:22:56,750 --> 00:23:00,212
So that means four women
were living in my house, and one male.

348
00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:03,173
And right away, I saw the difference.

349
00:23:03,256 --> 00:23:06,718
'Cause women are conscientious
about each other and other people.

350
00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:08,136
Everyone was wearing AirPods.

351
00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,472
All the girls
on their Zoom-Zoom boom-booms

352
00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:11,681
were wearing AirPods.

353
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,476
Any calls, they'd go
out of the room, you know,

354
00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:16,937
to respect another person's privacy.

355
00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:19,689
I was even wearing AirPods
in my own house.

356
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:22,275
I wasn't on a Zoom or listening to music.

357
00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:27,531
I was just hoping
no one would interact with me.

358
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:34,788
And then I walk downstairs
into my living room,

359
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:37,749
and here's my 24-year-old nephew, Jakey,

360
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:43,004
wearing basketball mesh shorts,
just, you know, broken everywhere,

361
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:44,089
just worn in.

362
00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:45,841
No footwear, of course. Why?

363
00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:48,844
You know? And he's on my sofa,
propped up just like this.

364
00:23:51,054 --> 00:23:52,097
On his computer.

365
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:53,890
[moaning unintelligibly]

366
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,977
With his balls just split
right down the middle.

367
00:24:05,485 --> 00:24:07,821
I go, "I'm sorry. Can I get you a cigar?"

368
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,825
I said, "Can you close your legs?
You're polluting my visual space."

369
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:15,036
I've never even sat like that
in my own fucking house!

370
00:24:16,913 --> 00:24:21,084
And I go, "Jakey, why are you the only
person in this house not wearing AirPods?"

371
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:23,962
"Every woman is wearing AirPods,
and you're not."

372
00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:26,131
He's like, "Oh, sorry, Chels. Sorry."

373
00:24:26,214 --> 00:24:28,633
Second day, same thing.
"Where are your AirPods?" "Sorry."

374
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:31,219
On the third day,
I go, "Hey, miracle ear."

375
00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:35,432
"Where are your AirPods?
They look like two tiny little balls."

376
00:24:35,515 --> 00:24:37,225
"They shouldn't be hard for you to find."

377
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:47,652
He goes, "Oh, hey, I'm just watching..."
He's a sports journalist.

378
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:51,990
So what he's listening to is more annoying
than any noise I can think of.

379
00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:57,412
He goes, "I'm just watching this classic
Michael Jordan basketball play."

380
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,456
"If you come over here,

381
00:24:59,539 --> 00:25:03,293
I can explain to you
how basketball works."

382
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,378
[disapproving groans]

383
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:09,674
I was like, "We are in my <i>mansion."</i>

384
00:25:12,260 --> 00:25:14,262
[cheering and applause]

385
00:25:20,268 --> 00:25:22,687
"And let me explain something
to you, Jakey."

386
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:26,608
"I don't give a shit
about how basketball works."

387
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:27,691
"And if I did,

388
00:25:27,734 --> 00:25:32,447
I would have been paying attention
for the last 45 years of my life,

389
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:35,033
like I was to the sun and the moon."

390
00:25:39,162 --> 00:25:40,956
I know two things about basketball.

391
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:43,291
I know that Michael Jordan is the GOAT.

392
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:45,752
I saw that documentary, <i>The Last Dance.</i>

393
00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:47,754
- I saw that.
- [cheering and applause]

394
00:25:47,837 --> 00:25:50,465
I know. He... Yeah.
I've never seen anything like...

395
00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:54,469
That's somebody who's earned the right
to wear basketball mesh shorts.

396
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:56,805
Broken in the middle, you know?

397
00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:59,140
He has earned the right to do that.

398
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:01,184
Sitting in the middle
of his own documentary

399
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:02,310
with a whiskey neat,

400
00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:05,689
with his eyes bloodshot
'cause he's shit-faced the entire time.

401
00:26:07,023 --> 00:26:10,277
Six-time champion bitching about
every single person

402
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,486
he's ever played against.

403
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:14,739
I was like,
"You are the man, motherfucker. Yeah."

404
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:19,578
I know two things about basketball.
I know Michael Jordan is the GOAT.

405
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:23,290
And I know the Denver Nuggets
have nothing to do with chicken fingers.

406
00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:29,713
Explain to me how basketball works?

407
00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:31,506
It's like, "Oh my God."

408
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:34,551
I know it must be confusing for men
because we used to like that.

409
00:26:34,634 --> 00:26:36,845
I know I did.
When you wanted to fuck a guy

410
00:26:36,928 --> 00:26:38,972
and he knew about something
you didn't know about,

411
00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:40,640
you're like, "Yeah."

412
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:44,894
You know? You'd listen to him
talk about almost anything.

413
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:48,773
I'd be like, "Yeah,
I wanna know how a sprinkler works."

414
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:56,615
But then you guys overdid it.

415
00:26:57,741 --> 00:27:00,076
You explained too much,
and now we're pissed.

416
00:27:01,494 --> 00:27:04,372
[cheering and applause]

417
00:27:08,293 --> 00:27:10,503
And my sister, Simone,
sees this little exchange,

418
00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:14,257
and she goes, "Hey, I feel like the kids
are starting to get on your nerves."

419
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:15,967
I was like, "Do you think so?"

420
00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:20,347
And she said,
"I think Jakey is really stressed out."

421
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:21,806
I said, "Is he?"

422
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:25,911
And she goes, "Yeah." I go,
"What is stressing Jakey out?"

423
00:27:25,935 --> 00:27:27,270
And she goes, "The pandemic."

424
00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:29,606
I said, "More so than the rest of us?"

425
00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:31,650
And she goes, "He's a guy."

426
00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:34,319
She goes, "I think
it would do him some good

427
00:27:34,402 --> 00:27:36,863
to have some female interaction."

428
00:27:37,614 --> 00:27:40,283
"Maybe have, like, a COVID-safe date
in the backyard."

429
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:43,203
"You know, they won't touch.
They'll play cards or something."

430
00:27:43,286 --> 00:27:46,790
"I just think it will...
it will improve his, like, mood."

431
00:27:46,873 --> 00:27:49,334
And I'm looking at my sister
like she's an alien.

432
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:52,629
I said, "You want him
to have a date come over

433
00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:55,799
so they can play cards in the backyard?"

434
00:27:56,299 --> 00:27:59,552
"And then what?
He's gonna jerk off into my pool? What?"

435
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,682
"What is happening?
What is the run of events?"

436
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:09,771
I said, "And who's playing cards anymore
anyway? Are we on the set of <i>Cocoon?"</i>

437
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,693
She's like, "It's gonna be
better for his mood."

438
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:18,446
I'm looking at my sister. I'm like,
"Oh my God. I need a cocktail."

439
00:28:19,072 --> 00:28:21,491
I said, "Sure, Simone.
Let's go out to my friend's house."

440
00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:23,734
We go to my friend's house,
have a couple of cocktails.

441
00:28:23,785 --> 00:28:24,869
We get pretty buzzed.

442
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:30,542
We come home, and here's my nephew,
propped up on my kitchen stool,

443
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:32,502
shit-faced.

444
00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:36,214
You know, like young, drunk face.
Red in the face everywhere.

445
00:28:37,006 --> 00:28:40,760
With his head in his hands,
like super dramatically.

446
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:44,264
You know, like he's got
the weight of the world on his shoulders.

447
00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:46,474
Like he's Dr. Fauci or something.

448
00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:55,775
He's sitting there. I'm looking at him,
like, "Oh my God, are you kidding me?"

449
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:59,696
I go, "What's the matter, Jakey?
Did you not get any penetration tonight?"

450
00:29:02,782 --> 00:29:04,159
He looks up, and he goes,

451
00:29:04,242 --> 00:29:07,954
[pained yelling] "No, I didn't!
And it's really frustrating!"

452
00:29:13,251 --> 00:29:15,503
I couldn't even make eye contact
with my sister.

453
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:20,258
I've been to therapy. I know
when to remove myself from the situation

454
00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:22,427
because I will strike someone.

455
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:26,264
So I left, I went upstairs
to my big girl bedroom,

456
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:28,600
and I lit a joint and I sat there,

457
00:29:28,683 --> 00:29:31,227
and thought
about what I had just witnessed.

458
00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:33,313
[cheering and applause]

459
00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:37,756
And my sister comes up and she goes,

460
00:29:37,817 --> 00:29:39,778
"Hey, sorry about that."

461
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:41,863
I go, "You <i>are </i>sorry."

462
00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:47,869
I said, "You have a 24, a 21,
and an 18-year-old living in my house."

463
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:51,873
"When is this whole parenting thing
gonna wrap itself the fuck up?"

464
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,835
She goes, "It's my job."

465
00:29:57,086 --> 00:29:58,004
I said, "What?"

466
00:29:58,087 --> 00:30:00,673
She goes, "It's my job to listen to him."

467
00:30:00,757 --> 00:30:04,469
I said, "It's your job
to listen to your 24-year-old son

468
00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:07,972
bitch and moan about how horny he is

469
00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:10,141
in the middle of a global pandemic

470
00:30:10,225 --> 00:30:13,144
where thousands of people
are dying every single day?"

471
00:30:13,228 --> 00:30:15,021
"You know who else is horny?!"

472
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:17,941
[cheering and applause]

473
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:24,697
"Know who's been jerking off to
Michael Jordan for fucking eight weeks?"

474
00:30:26,115 --> 00:30:29,786
"And can't do anything about it 'cause
you won't get the fuck out of my house."

475
00:30:32,455 --> 00:30:33,455
So they left.

476
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:38,586
And then it was go time.
I was like, "Let's get down to business."

477
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:42,549
I went and got
my own at-home COVID health test,

478
00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:46,427
which meant I could nasally swab
any potential penetrators

479
00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:49,514
that showed up in my backyard.
So they would come over...

480
00:30:49,597 --> 00:30:52,517
I would stagger their call times
'cause I'm not an idiot.

481
00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:57,605
I'd have someone come at 7:00,
someone come at 8:00, come at 9:00.

482
00:30:57,689 --> 00:30:59,816
I knew they wouldn't all be home runs.

483
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:02,569
So they'd come over.
I'd give them the nasal swab.

484
00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:05,613
I'd run into my kitchen,
plug it into a cartridge,

485
00:31:05,697 --> 00:31:09,701
and it took about, like, 30 minutes
to run the diagnostics.

486
00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:11,953
And within that 30 minutes,

487
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,373
I could go back outside
and interview them from six feet away.

488
00:31:16,833 --> 00:31:19,043
And if they said anything annoying,

489
00:31:20,169 --> 00:31:21,504
or I saw a pinkie ring,

490
00:31:21,588 --> 00:31:23,131
I would say, "You have COVID."

491
00:31:26,175 --> 00:31:28,094
"You have to quarantine
for two weeks now."

492
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:34,934
The first guy that came over to my house
wasn't really my type.

493
00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:38,688
He was pretty muscular. Too muscular.
He looked like he just came from the gym.

494
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:40,523
Tattoos everywhere.

495
00:31:40,607 --> 00:31:42,525
Also not my thing,
but we're in a pandemic.

496
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:44,277
I'm not gonna be judgy, you know?

497
00:31:45,194 --> 00:31:46,194
I was desperate.

498
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:51,826
I interviewed him. I was like, "Okay."
I could visualize him being inside of me.

499
00:31:55,371 --> 00:31:57,916
I go inside. I look at his COVID test.
It's negative.

500
00:31:57,999 --> 00:32:00,126
I come back out.
I go, "Just one more question."

501
00:32:00,209 --> 00:32:03,922
I was slightly paranoid. We all
were slightly paranoid at this point.

502
00:32:04,005 --> 00:32:06,966
This is when I was still
Windex-ing my to-go food.

503
00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:12,931
And I said, "Just one more question."

504
00:32:13,014 --> 00:32:15,725
"Morally, what do you think's appropriate
during this time?"

505
00:32:16,309 --> 00:32:18,353
He said, "Well, I wear a mask
all the time."

506
00:32:18,436 --> 00:32:20,688
I go, "Great. That's all I care about."

507
00:32:20,772 --> 00:32:22,774
He said, "But I don't think they work."

508
00:32:23,691 --> 00:32:25,652
I said, "What? What? What did you say?"

509
00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:28,988
He goes, "What?"
I go, "What are you, a doctor?"

510
00:32:29,072 --> 00:32:31,240
"No." "Are you a scientist?"

511
00:32:31,324 --> 00:32:33,534
"No." "Are you a male nurse?"

512
00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:37,413
"No." "Then who gives a shit what you
think about masks working or not?"

513
00:32:37,497 --> 00:32:39,666
"Who gives a shit
about your stupid opinion?"

514
00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:42,085
- [cheering and applause]
- "What are you talking about?"

515
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:47,507
"Now you have COVID.
Get the fuck out of my house!"

516
00:32:47,590 --> 00:32:50,468
"Get out! Go home.
I want you to think about what you did."

517
00:32:50,551 --> 00:32:52,178
"I was just about to fuck you."

518
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:57,225
Second guy comes over to my house
an hour later.

519
00:32:57,308 --> 00:33:01,437
Within 30 seconds, he's in my backyard
and mentions that he hurt his ball...

520
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:06,776
at the gym that morning.

521
00:33:08,277 --> 00:33:11,406
I will never understand why straight guys

522
00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:14,826
think it's appropriate
to mention your balls ever.

523
00:33:16,536 --> 00:33:19,998
Never mind on a first encounter
with a potential suitor.

524
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,668
I want every straight man
sitting here tonight

525
00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:27,005
to think about a time where you were
on a first date with a woman

526
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:29,048
and you heard the term "labia."

527
00:33:33,386 --> 00:33:34,887
[cheering]

528
00:33:37,682 --> 00:33:40,018
It's never happened. Never, ever happened.

529
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:41,477
In the history of the world,

530
00:33:41,561 --> 00:33:42,603
no straight woman...

531
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:43,687
Maybe lesbians.

532
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:44,897
No straight woman

533
00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:49,402
has ever been like,
"Oh, I'm pretty banged up down there."

534
00:33:51,112 --> 00:33:54,782
"It was Flag Day. You know how that goes."
Never!

535
00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:02,665
No woman's like, "Oh, I caught my labia
on the Peloton this morning."

536
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:11,966
Unbelievable.

537
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:17,138
Just so you guys all know, that happens
to us every time we ride a Peloton.

538
00:34:18,222 --> 00:34:20,224
[cheering and applause]

539
00:34:22,351 --> 00:34:23,936
So man up, you pussies.

540
00:34:25,980 --> 00:34:30,193
I was like, "What's going on?
Look how cute I am. Look at me."

541
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:32,373
My God, this is the best I've ever looked.

542
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:33,946
My boobies are real. My ass is juicy.

543
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:37,617
I was ready to spread my love around town.

544
00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:40,620
And men were making it impossible.

545
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:44,332
I was like,
"I'm gonna have to go to Canada."

546
00:34:46,459 --> 00:34:48,211
Canadian men can be slightly boring,

547
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:50,546
but at least they're appropriate,
you know?

548
00:34:51,130 --> 00:34:54,509
No Canadian is getting into a fight
at a CVS

549
00:34:54,592 --> 00:34:57,261
about wearing a mask
in the middle of a plague.

550
00:34:57,762 --> 00:35:00,181
No Canadian man brings up his ball

551
00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:03,184
within the first 30 seconds
of an interaction.

552
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:06,896
And I love to ski. That's my passion.

553
00:35:06,979 --> 00:35:08,106
[scattered cheering]

554
00:35:08,189 --> 00:35:10,233
So I love Canada for that reason.

555
00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:13,778
And during COVID,
I realized I don't have regular hobbies.

556
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:16,739
Other people were getting excited
to go for long walks

557
00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:18,199
or do puzzles.

558
00:35:19,408 --> 00:35:20,493
Or do crafts.

559
00:35:20,576 --> 00:35:22,411
I was like, "Oh my God."

560
00:35:22,495 --> 00:35:23,788
I have three interests.

561
00:35:23,871 --> 00:35:26,999
I like to smoke pot, I like to read books,
and I like to fucking ski.

562
00:35:27,083 --> 00:35:28,417
Those are my passions.

563
00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:30,169
[cheering and applause]

564
00:35:34,382 --> 00:35:38,636
I don't have other interests.
I don't know how to dance or sing.

565
00:35:39,512 --> 00:35:43,266
Although, when I was a child,
I had a lot of misplaced confidence.

566
00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:47,979
And I believed I <i>could </i>dance,
and I <i>could </i>sing,

567
00:35:48,062 --> 00:35:51,566
and that the world would be a better place
once I started doing that.

568
00:35:52,525 --> 00:35:56,154
And the first opportunity I got,
I was 12 years old, in middle school,

569
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:59,240
and they had cheerleading auditions,
and I was like, "This is it."

570
00:35:59,323 --> 00:36:02,952
This is my moment where I'm gonna
get the respect I believed I deserved.

571
00:36:03,619 --> 00:36:05,496
I went into those cheerleading auditions.

572
00:36:05,580 --> 00:36:07,582
They had a routine
that everybody needed to learn.

573
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:10,042
I was like, "Fuck that noise.
I got my own shit going on."

574
00:36:14,672 --> 00:36:16,257
[cheering and applause]

575
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:17,340
Exactly.

576
00:36:19,969 --> 00:36:22,430
I walked out of school that day
with my head held high.

577
00:36:22,513 --> 00:36:26,225
For the first time in my elementary
or middle school career,

578
00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:27,810
I was like, "I got this."

579
00:36:28,519 --> 00:36:33,024
And I came in early the next day,
and I went right up to the whiteboard

580
00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:37,153
where they listed everyone's names
who had made the cheerleading team,

581
00:36:37,236 --> 00:36:39,322
and as I was approaching the whiteboard,

582
00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:41,908
the school nurse intercepted me.

583
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,703
And she said, "Sweetie,

584
00:36:46,537 --> 00:36:49,373
we all saw
your cheerleading audition yesterday,

585
00:36:49,957 --> 00:36:52,960
and I need you
to come to the nurse's office with me

586
00:36:53,502 --> 00:36:56,005
so we can test you for scoliosis."

587
00:37:07,850 --> 00:37:10,061
And I'm sitting in her office,
and I'm like,

588
00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:12,063
"So am I on the squad?"

589
00:37:15,942 --> 00:37:18,653
She goes, "No, honey.
You're not on any squad."

590
00:37:20,154 --> 00:37:24,492
And she said, "When you get home today,
we also need you to get from your parents

591
00:37:24,575 --> 00:37:26,911
your proof of vaccination for polio."

592
00:37:28,412 --> 00:37:30,331
"Something's up with your back."

593
00:37:32,416 --> 00:37:36,671
I went home that day. I was flabbergasted.
I couldn't believe what had happened.

594
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:40,299
I stormed home. I walked home...
I was in a rage.

595
00:37:40,383 --> 00:37:42,301
I opened the front door and smashed it,

596
00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:45,721
walked into my mother's kitchen,
where she was making macaroni and cheese

597
00:37:45,805 --> 00:37:48,307
'cause she thought
that was a healthy fucking snack.

598
00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:53,479
And I said, "Hey! I auditioned
for the cheerleading team yesterday,

599
00:37:53,562 --> 00:37:56,774
and, today, the school nurse
tested me for scoliosis."

600
00:37:57,483 --> 00:37:59,485
"Do you know anything about that?"

601
00:38:00,319 --> 00:38:03,698
And she turned around and she said,
"We told you never to dance."

602
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:14,208
But I wasn't an idiot.

603
00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:17,503
I knew that those two diagnoses,
polio, scoliosis,

604
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:19,714
I was like,
"That's gonna come in handy later."

605
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:21,674
"I'll put that in my back pocket."

606
00:38:22,675 --> 00:38:23,801
And it wasn't long.

607
00:38:23,884 --> 00:38:26,846
I had a German test a few weeks later,
and I woke up...

608
00:38:26,929 --> 00:38:29,658
You know when you woke up in middle school
remembering you hadn't studied

609
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:31,326
for something
you were supposed to study for?

610
00:38:31,350 --> 00:38:35,438
I shot out of bed. I'm like, "Oh fuck,
I didn't study for my German test."

611
00:38:35,521 --> 00:38:38,399
And I didn't care about learning German,
'cause I'm a Jew.

612
00:38:43,112 --> 00:38:44,196
It's too soon.

613
00:38:47,616 --> 00:38:50,077
But I heard my mother's footsteps
coming down the hallway.

614
00:38:50,161 --> 00:38:52,621
And I just sat in my bed,
shot my legs out.

615
00:38:52,705 --> 00:38:55,291
And she opened the door.
I'm like... [screams in pain]

616
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,543
I said, "Ma, I don't know what happened."

617
00:38:57,626 --> 00:39:00,755
"I don't know
if this is the polio acting up or what."

618
00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:03,716
"But I woke up like this."

619
00:39:04,967 --> 00:39:07,303
My mom would give me such a side eye.

620
00:39:07,386 --> 00:39:10,681
'Cause I was a liar growing up.
I lied about everything.

621
00:39:10,765 --> 00:39:12,933
And my parents knew I was a liar.

622
00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:15,895
And my mom looked at me. She goes,
"Oh really? Now you have polio?"

623
00:39:15,978 --> 00:39:18,606
I go, "I don't know
what else this could be."

624
00:39:20,107 --> 00:39:23,652
I said, "They only go out like that.
They won't bend at the knee."

625
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:25,487
"What..."

626
00:39:26,322 --> 00:39:29,362
She goes, "If you think you have polio,
we have to go to the emergency room."

627
00:39:29,408 --> 00:39:32,078
"You can't just sit at home all day
watching your soap operas."

628
00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:33,579
I was like, "Let's go."

629
00:39:41,837 --> 00:39:44,256
And then she didn't know what to do.
She was flummoxed.

630
00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:45,257
She goes, "Well..."

631
00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:48,094
She hands me a pair
of my stonewashed jeans on the floor.

632
00:39:48,177 --> 00:39:51,430
She throws them at me, "If we're going
to the ER, put those jeans on."

633
00:39:51,514 --> 00:39:54,683
I was like, "Okay."
I was 12. I knew how to scissor.

634
00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,310
I was like... [grunts]

635
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,688
Shimmied one leg down,
and then I switched 'em.

636
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:03,609
All the time, making eye contact with her,
like that fucked-up doll Chucky.

637
00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:05,236
I was like, "Yeah, bitch."

638
00:40:06,112 --> 00:40:09,490
Then I shimmied 'em up my waist,
and I hopped up. I go, "Let's go."

639
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,207
And we get to the hospital,

640
00:40:18,290 --> 00:40:20,626
and I'm in this hospital gown,

641
00:40:20,709 --> 00:40:22,253
lying on a gurney,

642
00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:26,048
and the doctor comes in with this needle
that's, like, four inches long,

643
00:40:26,132 --> 00:40:30,261
and starts pricking me from my ankle
all the way up to my thigh.

644
00:40:30,344 --> 00:40:31,584
He's like, "Can you feel this?"

645
00:40:31,637 --> 00:40:33,222
I was like... [masking pain] "No."

646
00:40:34,890 --> 00:40:37,143
"I told you. I can't feel anything."

647
00:40:38,352 --> 00:40:42,773
The whole time, I'm like, "Shit. I wish
I had known this is the test for polio."

648
00:40:45,192 --> 00:40:47,945
"I would have picked
a more believable disease."

649
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,364
"Like chlamydia or something."

650
00:40:54,326 --> 00:40:55,661
And at the end of the exam,

651
00:40:55,744 --> 00:40:57,997
he closes the curtain
to talk to my mother privately,

652
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,083
and he says,
"Your daughter doesn't have polio,

653
00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:03,169
and she doesn't have scoliosis."

654
00:41:03,669 --> 00:41:06,297
"But she does need
a psychiatric evaluation."

655
00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:12,011
[cheering and applause]

656
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:19,226
I'm like, "That sounds like
another day off from school."

657
00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:22,730
So that's why skiing
is so important to me,

658
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:25,232
because it took me so long
to get good at it

659
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:27,109
'cause I'm physically uncoordinated.

660
00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:29,820
And I take skiing very seriously.

661
00:41:29,904 --> 00:41:32,656
And my spot is Whistler, Canada.
That's where I love to go.

662
00:41:32,740 --> 00:41:35,743
I go with my family
every year for Christmas.

663
00:41:35,826 --> 00:41:38,996
I go every year for my birthday
to film my topless videos.

664
00:41:39,079 --> 00:41:40,748
[cheering]

665
00:41:44,919 --> 00:41:48,839
But my only dilemma was to bring my dogs
or to leave them here.

666
00:41:48,923 --> 00:41:51,550
Because I didn't know
if I was gonna be able to come back.

667
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:53,552
The borders were pretty tight.

668
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,972
And I have two dogs
left over from the Gary saga.

669
00:41:58,432 --> 00:41:59,850
And I didn't wanna leave them here

670
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:02,520
because they already believe
that my housekeeper, Mabelle,

671
00:42:02,603 --> 00:42:04,021
is their birth mother.

672
00:42:04,980 --> 00:42:06,857
And that I'm some slutty au pair.

673
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:10,569
that comes sauntering through the house
every three to four weeks.

674
00:42:11,153 --> 00:42:14,990
I don't know if Mabelle
is hiding peanut butter in her underwear,

675
00:42:16,283 --> 00:42:17,952
but I believe that she is.

676
00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:20,794
Because I was the one
that went to the rescue.

677
00:42:20,871 --> 00:42:24,458
I know enough to know that you have to be
the one to rescue your dogs

678
00:42:24,542 --> 00:42:26,919
so that they know that you're the mommy.

679
00:42:28,045 --> 00:42:31,382
And I went to a chow rescue
because that's my favorite type of dog.

680
00:42:31,465 --> 00:42:33,217
They look like real, live teddy bears

681
00:42:33,300 --> 00:42:35,761
with their purple tongues
and their tails that go up.

682
00:42:35,844 --> 00:42:37,888
They're aloof. I also respect that.

683
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:43,519
I went to a chow rescue. I said,
"I'm looking for any sort of chow mix."

684
00:42:43,602 --> 00:42:46,272
"Preferably slightly obese.
What do you have?"

685
00:42:47,439 --> 00:42:50,901
And she said, "We have
a brother and sister combo platter."

686
00:42:52,695 --> 00:42:54,738
I was like, "I like the sound of that."

687
00:42:55,406 --> 00:42:58,325
I'm from a big family.
I love a sibling dynamic.

688
00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,035
I was like, "Bring them out."

689
00:43:00,119 --> 00:43:04,832
And I will never forget this image
of seeing the male dog round the corner,

690
00:43:04,915 --> 00:43:07,376
and his ass was so giant

691
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:10,296
that, even though
he was running towards me,

692
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:12,214
that was the first feature I saw.

693
00:43:14,383 --> 00:43:16,552
And he had that neck meat that I love.

694
00:43:16,635 --> 00:43:19,388
The neck meat was swaying back and forth.

695
00:43:19,471 --> 00:43:23,309
And then he had underarm meat
that was also swaying back and forth.

696
00:43:23,392 --> 00:43:27,605
I was like, "Oh my God.
This is a dog you could hide jewelry in."

697
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:32,985
And then the female,
sister version of him,

698
00:43:33,068 --> 00:43:36,238
she was more
of a petite filet female version of him,

699
00:43:36,322 --> 00:43:38,324
came around the corner,
and she was scrappier.

700
00:43:38,407 --> 00:43:42,119
She looked like she had
just gotten off a bus from Guadalajara.

701
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:46,123
She had alopecia down her back.

702
00:43:46,206 --> 00:43:50,044
Bald. You know, a bald tail.
She had a diamond earring in her ear.

703
00:43:50,127 --> 00:43:52,630
I was like, "Oh my God,
back the fuck up, bitch."

704
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:55,341
"You're safe now. You're with Mommy."

705
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,236
And then the woman from the rescue said,

706
00:44:00,804 --> 00:44:04,016
"Their names are Bertrand and Bernice."

707
00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:10,731
I almost climaxed right there on the dirt.

708
00:44:11,982 --> 00:44:14,985
I had to look away from her
so she didn't think I was a predator.

709
00:44:15,069 --> 00:44:19,490
I was like, "Oh my God, that is exactly
what I was gonna name them!"

710
00:44:20,949 --> 00:44:22,076
I scooped them right up.

711
00:44:22,159 --> 00:44:25,204
I'm like, "Come on, guys.
I'm your mother now. Let's go."

712
00:44:25,704 --> 00:44:28,749
I had to take them straight to the vet,
you know, because they were rescues,

713
00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:31,043
and Bernice's teeth were a hot mess.

714
00:44:32,044 --> 00:44:33,879
She looked like she was from London.

715
00:44:42,304 --> 00:44:46,642
And the vet calls me, and she goes,
"Hi, we're heading into surgery right now,

716
00:44:46,725 --> 00:44:48,143
and I just wanna let you know

717
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:51,397
that we may have to remove
all of Bernice's teeth."

718
00:44:52,189 --> 00:44:56,026
I was like, "No. Absolutely not.
She's not living that lifestyle anymore."

719
00:45:01,573 --> 00:45:04,243
"She's not moving to Bel Air
with no teeth, okay?"

720
00:45:04,326 --> 00:45:07,955
Talk about an underdog.
She needs two teeth at the very least.

721
00:45:09,039 --> 00:45:12,459
So she can chew and defend herself
in case of an emergency.

722
00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:16,630
And then the vet said,
"And Bert needs to lose 17 pounds."

723
00:45:16,714 --> 00:45:18,173
I hung up on that bitch.

724
00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:22,219
I said to my housekeeper, Mabelle,

725
00:45:22,302 --> 00:45:25,347
"Under no circumstances
are we body-shaming this dog."

726
00:45:25,431 --> 00:45:28,100
"If anything, we are expanding his size."

727
00:45:29,852 --> 00:45:31,854
And then I made a crucial mistake.

728
00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:34,732
I went away
too soon after I rescued these dogs.

729
00:45:34,815 --> 00:45:36,734
I didn't know that that was a rule.

730
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,652
I just went away for 48 hours.

731
00:45:39,194 --> 00:45:40,320
And I came back

732
00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:43,657
and saw my housekeeper of 15 years

733
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:47,035
walking through my kitchen
wearing two ankle weights.

734
00:45:48,662 --> 00:45:50,831
And guess who was behind her,
wearing four?

735
00:45:52,958 --> 00:45:53,958
Bert.

736
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,046
I go, "What are you doing?
What is going on here?"

737
00:45:58,130 --> 00:46:00,632
She goes, [in Spanish accent]
"Momma and Poppa are on a diet."

738
00:46:05,137 --> 00:46:07,848
I said, "Oh really?
You're Momma and he's Poppa?"

739
00:46:07,931 --> 00:46:10,142
"Who the fuck am I in this scenario?"

740
00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:14,062
She goes, "You are Baby Pig."

741
00:46:17,107 --> 00:46:19,318
That's what my housekeeper calls me.
Baby Pig.

742
00:46:19,401 --> 00:46:21,820
Fifteen years together
and she calls me Baby Pig.

743
00:46:21,904 --> 00:46:24,907
And now all of my friends
also call me Baby Pig.

744
00:46:27,868 --> 00:46:29,036
She calls me Baby Pig

745
00:46:29,119 --> 00:46:32,206
'cause she leaves chocolate nut clusters,
Turtles, that's my favorite snack...

746
00:46:32,289 --> 00:46:35,167
She leaves them on my pillow
every single night,

747
00:46:35,250 --> 00:46:37,377
which would be nice if I lived in a hotel.

748
00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:43,425
But then she ups the ante and she removes
the cellophane from the Turtles,

749
00:46:43,509 --> 00:46:45,844
so they are bare-backing my pillow.

750
00:46:52,142 --> 00:46:53,662
And then comes in every morning going,

751
00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:56,480
"Where is the stain, you baby pig?
Where is it?"

752
00:47:00,734 --> 00:47:03,654
She's trying to frame me in my own house.

753
00:47:04,655 --> 00:47:07,616
And she <i>loves</i>
that my dogs prefer her over me.

754
00:47:07,699 --> 00:47:09,201
She can't get enough of it.

755
00:47:09,284 --> 00:47:11,411
When she leaves every day at 4:30,

756
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:15,040
Bert sits at the window.
He sees her minivan take off,

757
00:47:15,123 --> 00:47:18,752
and he gets pissed
and slams his head on the ground,

758
00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:20,170
concusses himself,

759
00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:24,842
and is in a blackout until 8:00 a.m.
when she returns the next morning.

760
00:47:28,637 --> 00:47:30,764
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,

761
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:34,059
which is the entire reason
I even have dogs...

762
00:47:34,142 --> 00:47:36,478
All I wanna do is just sleep with them.

763
00:47:37,396 --> 00:47:40,524
If I wanna sleep with my own dogs,
I have to lure them,

764
00:47:41,775 --> 00:47:42,860
like a molester.

765
00:47:44,778 --> 00:47:47,781
I have to get their leashes
inside the house.

766
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:50,659
I have to put their leashes on
inside the house.

767
00:47:50,742 --> 00:47:53,871
And I have to get a chicken wing
out of the refrigerator,

768
00:47:54,371 --> 00:47:56,248
then I have to put on
one of Mabelle's scarves,

769
00:47:56,331 --> 00:47:57,875
so they smell her scent.

770
00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,919
And I have to speak in Spanish
the whole way up to my bedroom,

771
00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:05,215
and say, "Come to Mama, Papa.
<i>Venga, venga. Vamos, vamos."</i>

772
00:48:05,799 --> 00:48:07,801
[cheering and applause]

773
00:48:11,597 --> 00:48:14,224
I've had more one-night stands
that are less demeaning

774
00:48:14,308 --> 00:48:16,351
than my relationship with my dogs.

775
00:48:16,435 --> 00:48:20,272
Then when they get up to my bedroom,
I lure them up the doggy steps.

776
00:48:20,355 --> 00:48:23,984
When they're on the bed, I have to kick
the steps away so that they're trapped.

777
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:31,199
After two months of this,
I was like, "This is dehumanizing."

778
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:33,577
I said, "These dogs suck."

779
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:36,955
And then a Westwood rescue called me,

780
00:48:37,039 --> 00:48:39,875
and they said, "Oh, we have a rescue.
He's a Leonberger."

781
00:48:39,958 --> 00:48:41,293
I was like, "What's that?"

782
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:43,253
And they sent me a picture.

783
00:48:43,337 --> 00:48:45,380
I was like,
"That's not my type," you know?

784
00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:49,927
He's 110 pounds. A big dog.
Lean, muscular. Not into that.

785
00:48:50,010 --> 00:48:51,386
But again, I was desperate.

786
00:48:52,596 --> 00:48:54,097
I went down there. I saw the dog.

787
00:48:54,181 --> 00:48:56,683
I'm like, "Maybe he and I
can have a connection."

788
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:59,645
So I grabbed him, and I named him Hodor.

789
00:49:00,145 --> 00:49:01,313
[audience] Awww!

790
00:49:01,396 --> 00:49:05,192
I took him home with Bert and Bernice.
I put them all in my bedroom.

791
00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:07,319
I closed the door, and I thought,

792
00:49:07,402 --> 00:49:09,905
"They'll figure out
who the alpha male is," you know?

793
00:49:10,405 --> 00:49:11,823
Or the alpha dog is.

794
00:49:11,907 --> 00:49:14,910
Let them sort it out.
I'm not gonna be a helicopter parent.

795
00:49:18,830 --> 00:49:21,124
So I popped an edible,
and I went to sleep.

796
00:49:24,252 --> 00:49:27,255
I like to be as stoned as possible
when I sleep at night.

797
00:49:28,340 --> 00:49:30,926
Just in case anything goes down.

798
00:49:33,845 --> 00:49:37,933
Just in case there's a burglary
or an intruder or a rapist.

799
00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:39,768
I wanna sleep through that attack.

800
00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:44,773
I don't wanna wake up in the night
looking for a steak knife

801
00:49:44,856 --> 00:49:47,567
or a panic button and fight off somebody.

802
00:49:47,651 --> 00:49:51,196
I wanna slowly pass away
while that attack is happening.

803
00:49:53,031 --> 00:49:55,367
If Michael Jackson's doctor
were still a doctor,

804
00:49:55,450 --> 00:49:56,827
he would be my doctor.

805
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:09,965
So I go to sleep.
I drift off into la la land.

806
00:50:10,048 --> 00:50:12,134
I wake up to a sound
I had never heard before.

807
00:50:12,217 --> 00:50:15,303
Like a coyote was in my bedroom.
That's what it sounded like.

808
00:50:15,804 --> 00:50:18,181
And I turn the light on and I look,

809
00:50:18,265 --> 00:50:19,683
and I see one of my dogs

810
00:50:19,766 --> 00:50:23,770
wrapped around the new dog, Hodor,
like a shape-shifter.

811
00:50:25,272 --> 00:50:27,357
At first, I couldn't tell
if it was Bert or Bernice.

812
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:28,859
And then I realized it was Bernice

813
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:32,779
'cause she was still in a yellow négligée
I had put her in the night before.

814
00:50:35,282 --> 00:50:36,950
And her eyes were bloodshot and red,

815
00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:39,327
just like Michael Jordan's
in his documentary.

816
00:50:40,954 --> 00:50:43,235
She looked like
she may have put on a little lipstick too.

817
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:46,418
She was biting Hodor's neck. I'm like,
"Oh my God, she's winning."

818
00:50:46,501 --> 00:50:50,338
I got out of bed. I grabbed my daughter
and threw her across the room,

819
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:52,799
into my closet,
and then I shut the closet door.

820
00:50:52,883 --> 00:50:55,969
And then Hodor's coming for us,
and I fought him off,

821
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:59,181
and then guided him out of my bedroom door
and shut that door.

822
00:50:59,264 --> 00:51:02,225
And then I go back into my bedroom
and just collapse.

823
00:51:03,101 --> 00:51:07,189
And I'm like, "Oh my God,
I'm so high. What was that?"

824
00:51:11,276 --> 00:51:12,694
"Who were those people?"

825
00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:23,872
And then I look down,
and my breast was exposed.

826
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:28,293
And my nipple was bleeding.

827
00:51:30,670 --> 00:51:34,007
[sighs] And I checked
to make sure it was still attached.

828
00:51:35,467 --> 00:51:37,761
And I thought,
"I'll deal with this tomorrow."

829
00:51:41,598 --> 00:51:44,101
[cheering and applause]

830
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:50,857
Then I grabbed the doggy steps

831
00:51:50,941 --> 00:51:54,111
and put them back up against the bed,
and I climbed up them.

832
00:51:57,030 --> 00:51:58,532
And I lay in my bed,

833
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:00,992
and I texted my assistant, Tanner,

834
00:52:01,076 --> 00:52:02,953
and said, "I'm gonna need to see

835
00:52:03,036 --> 00:52:05,622
the security footage
from my bedroom tonight."

836
00:52:12,462 --> 00:52:15,841
"And if you wouldn't mind
putting it to some Shania Twain...

837
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:21,012
or some other upbeat music,
I would appreciate that."

838
00:52:24,349 --> 00:52:25,267
"I'd like to watch it

839
00:52:25,350 --> 00:52:28,603
the next time my landscaper and I
do mushrooms together."

840
00:52:30,605 --> 00:52:32,607
[cheering and applause]

841
00:52:39,447 --> 00:52:41,032
And in that footage...

842
00:52:43,368 --> 00:52:47,497
when you watch it in slow motion,
you see me stumble out of bed,

843
00:52:48,081 --> 00:52:49,875
looking like Gary Busey.

844
00:52:52,752 --> 00:52:57,382
Picking up my own daughter
and tossing her across the sky,

845
00:52:57,465 --> 00:53:02,387
while she is twirling in the air
with her belly facing the ceiling.

846
00:53:03,346 --> 00:53:04,181
Then, at some point,

847
00:53:04,264 --> 00:53:06,725
she straightens herself out
like a squirrel

848
00:53:06,808 --> 00:53:11,146
and flips a bitch like a 747 in the sky

849
00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:13,690
to come back and bite me in the tit.

850
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:23,783
With the two teeth
I campaigned for her to keep.

851
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,668
So, yeah, I took her to Whistler.

852
00:53:35,128 --> 00:53:37,130
I respect the shit out of that dog.

853
00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:40,359
I took them both to Whistler.
"We're gonna be in a winter wonderland."

854
00:53:40,383 --> 00:53:42,594
"I'm gonna imprint
new memories on their brains."

855
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:44,262
"They're gonna forget about Mabelle."

856
00:53:44,763 --> 00:53:46,348
I had to quarantine for two weeks.

857
00:53:46,431 --> 00:53:48,850
It just snowed every day.
All I could do was walk the dogs.

858
00:53:48,934 --> 00:53:51,186
I had never even taken them
for a walk before.

859
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:53,772
The second day, we were walking,

860
00:53:53,855 --> 00:53:56,274
and this Canadian woman
comes around the corner,

861
00:53:56,358 --> 00:53:58,526
and she's got a big parka and Ugg boots.

862
00:53:58,610 --> 00:54:01,154
She sees Bert and Bernice and she goes...

863
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:02,572
[excited squeal]

864
00:54:03,406 --> 00:54:04,407
And I go, "What?"

865
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:06,701
And she goes,
"Why aren't they on leashes?"

866
00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:10,330
I was like, "'Cause they're so lazy.
Like, they can't even walk."

867
00:54:10,413 --> 00:54:13,208
"They're never gonna run.
Like, don't worry about it."

868
00:54:14,668 --> 00:54:18,129
She goes, "It's not for me. Somebody else
could think that they're bears."

869
00:54:23,260 --> 00:54:25,887
I said, "They're both
wearing handkerchiefs."

870
00:54:36,189 --> 00:54:38,233
"Do you know
a lot of bears that get dressed up

871
00:54:38,316 --> 00:54:40,318
before they go out to murder?"

872
00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:46,366
My quarantine ended. I wanted to ski.
All I cared about was skiing.

873
00:54:46,449 --> 00:54:48,535
But I had no one to ski with.
That's not really safe.

874
00:54:48,618 --> 00:54:51,746
So I was like, "Oh God, what do I do?"
So I hired a ski guide.

875
00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:55,208
And he slowly transitioned
into a full-time prostitute.

876
00:54:59,921 --> 00:55:02,340
[cheering]

877
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:05,135
And then I got a yeast infection.
I was like...

878
00:55:06,344 --> 00:55:07,554
"Are you kidding me?"

879
00:55:07,637 --> 00:55:09,556
I mean, that is the story
of being a woman.

880
00:55:09,639 --> 00:55:12,392
You're so horny, you're so horny,
you find somebody to penetrate you,

881
00:55:12,475 --> 00:55:15,145
and then you have an allergic reaction
to that person.

882
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:19,733
[groans in frustration]
So I go down to the pharmacy,

883
00:55:19,816 --> 00:55:23,653
and I'm going through the pharmacy aisles,
looking for yeast infection cures,

884
00:55:23,737 --> 00:55:25,947
and I come across Monistat 3,

885
00:55:26,031 --> 00:55:28,450
which means you rub this cream
on your pikachu,

886
00:55:28,533 --> 00:55:31,494
and in three days,
your yeast infection is gone.

887
00:55:31,995 --> 00:55:36,833
Or if you're having a really good time
and you want to extend it by four days,

888
00:55:36,916 --> 00:55:38,418
there's Monistat 7.

889
00:55:48,762 --> 00:55:52,182
I was like, "I'm sorry.
Is there not a ten or 14-day option

890
00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:55,018
if I want to treat this
like a regular spring break

891
00:55:55,101 --> 00:55:58,146
because I love scratching my beaver
in front of strangers?"

892
00:56:01,524 --> 00:56:04,027
You know who came up
with that medication? A man.

893
00:56:04,110 --> 00:56:05,737
[cheering and applause]

894
00:56:11,117 --> 00:56:14,454
I couldn't believe it.
I'm like, "What is this?"

895
00:56:14,537 --> 00:56:16,581
So I text my doctor in LA.

896
00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:18,541
In America, we get a Diflucan.

897
00:56:18,625 --> 00:56:23,671
That's one large pill. You take it.
48 hours later, yeast infection is gone.

898
00:56:23,755 --> 00:56:26,549
I said, "Can you prescribe me a Diflucan?"

899
00:56:26,633 --> 00:56:30,261
He said, "They don't have that in Canada,
but I will get you something comparable."

900
00:56:30,345 --> 00:56:32,597
I'm like, "Okay."
He calls it into the pharmacy.

901
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:34,182
I'm pacing up and down the pharmacy.

902
00:56:34,265 --> 00:56:38,103
I'm in my ski outfit. My ski boots,
my helmet. I look like a giant dick.

903
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:42,357
And then he calls my name.

904
00:56:42,440 --> 00:56:45,402
I go over, and he hands me a pill
that's bigger than Diflucan.

905
00:56:45,485 --> 00:56:47,153
The size of a small missile.

906
00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:50,990
So I pop it in my mouth,
I chug some water,

907
00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:53,701
and I get back out there,
and I go on the chairlift.

908
00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:56,704
And I'm riding up the chairlift
with two complete strangers,

909
00:56:56,788 --> 00:56:59,508
and the pill [mimicking throat blockage]
is not going down my throat.

910
00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:02,168
I'm like, "This is a really big pill."

911
00:57:03,086 --> 00:57:04,671
"Why won't it go down?"

912
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:08,049
I'm like... [rasping]

913
00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:13,430
I'm like, "I've got to dislodge this
before I start skiing. It's dangerous."

914
00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:16,850
"I can't ski
with a pill in my throat like this."

915
00:57:18,017 --> 00:57:20,311
I get to the top.
It's still not down. I'm like...

916
00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:22,772
[groaning] "I gotta get some more water."

917
00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:24,566
I go into the bar. I get a margarita.

918
00:57:24,649 --> 00:57:25,650
I chug that down.

919
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:28,153
I'm like... [gargling]

920
00:57:29,070 --> 00:57:31,364
And the pill
still will not go down my throat.

921
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:33,700
I'm like, "I'm in a real pickle here."

922
00:57:35,785 --> 00:57:37,370
I'm like, "What is going on?"

923
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:41,249
And then I take the wrapper
that it came in out of my ski pants,

924
00:57:41,749 --> 00:57:44,377
and in big, bold, black lettering,

925
00:57:44,461 --> 00:57:46,963
it says, "For vaginal use only."

926
00:57:47,046 --> 00:57:49,048
[appalled groans and applause]

927
00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,486
I was like, "Oh, whoopsie-doodle."

928
00:58:12,363 --> 00:58:13,865
So I text my doctor.

929
00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:19,746
And I'm like, "Hey."

930
00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:30,006
I said... [anxiously] "Hey, you."

931
00:58:36,763 --> 00:58:38,097
I said, "That pill

932
00:58:39,557 --> 00:58:41,809
that you prescribed me, does that work

933
00:58:42,393 --> 00:58:44,187
whichever hole you put it in?"

934
00:58:54,405 --> 00:58:57,033
And he wrote back,
"Which hole did you put it in?"

935
00:59:03,790 --> 00:59:06,876
I'm like, "What?"
Counting my holes. I'm like, "What?"

936
00:59:08,294 --> 00:59:09,963
I wrote back, "Not my butt."

937
00:59:13,299 --> 00:59:14,759
And he wrote back, "Oh dear."

938
00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:26,271
The next 48 hours were excruciating

939
00:59:27,730 --> 00:59:32,318
while I waited for a sourdough starter kit
to pop out of my mouth.

940
00:59:41,995 --> 00:59:45,665
I was like, "Oh great.
Now I'm a baker. A Canadian baker."

941
00:59:51,379 --> 00:59:55,049
After that fiasco,
I finally was able to meet a friend.

942
00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:57,844
Her name was Kelly.
We skied together for a couple of days.

943
00:59:57,927 --> 01:00:00,138
I said, "Hey,
you're really cool and everything,

944
01:00:00,221 --> 01:00:02,724
but what I'm really looking for is a man."

945
01:00:03,391 --> 01:00:06,436
"Okay? I'm here for,
I don't know, three months, six months."

946
01:00:06,519 --> 01:00:08,646
"Who knows how long
this is gonna go on for?"

947
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:12,775
"But I would like somebody I can ski with
and then have sex with, in that order,

948
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,360
and you're not gonna cut it."

949
01:00:15,528 --> 01:00:19,032
I said, "I will never, ever contact
this person once I leave Whistler."

950
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:21,951
"This is a <i>huge </i>opportunity for somebody."

951
01:00:23,911 --> 01:00:26,539
She goes, "I can help you."
I go, "Great. That's perfect."

952
01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:29,375
She said, "Come to a party
with me on Saturday."

953
01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:32,879
So I go with her to a party in Whistler.
I'm sitting on a sofa.

954
01:00:33,379 --> 01:00:37,717
A man walks into the party, and she goes,
"That's the guy I wanna set you up with."

955
01:00:37,800 --> 01:00:38,800
I look over,

956
01:00:40,053 --> 01:00:42,472
and here's a guy wearing a captain's hat.

957
01:00:43,139 --> 01:00:44,182
[audience member] Yeah!

958
01:00:44,265 --> 01:00:45,725
No. Not "yes."

959
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:52,106
I don't know what happens to men
when they put on captain's hats.

960
01:00:52,899 --> 01:00:54,776
But it's embarrassing to watch.

961
01:00:56,235 --> 01:00:58,738
Do you know how much
micro dick energy it takes

962
01:00:58,821 --> 01:01:02,909
to put on a captain's hat and then act
like you have a fleet of ships

963
01:01:02,992 --> 01:01:04,827
or a fleet of fucking planes?

964
01:01:04,911 --> 01:01:08,956
You know how embarrassing it is
to be like, "Waaah, I'm a captain now"?

965
01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:11,292
No, you're not. You're not a captain.

966
01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:12,919
I've studied this for a long time

967
01:01:13,002 --> 01:01:15,046
'cause my father used to wear
a captain's hat.

968
01:01:15,129 --> 01:01:17,507
And we would take the ferry over
to Martha's Vineyard

969
01:01:17,590 --> 01:01:19,050
every summer from Boston,

970
01:01:19,133 --> 01:01:21,052
and he would wear a captain's hat
on the ferry.

971
01:01:21,135 --> 01:01:23,930
And the entire ferry ride,
I would be so paranoid

972
01:01:24,013 --> 01:01:25,773
that the real captain
would come down and see

973
01:01:25,807 --> 01:01:27,934
that my father was in a Halloween costume.

974
01:01:31,229 --> 01:01:33,773
And it's only white guys
that pull this kind of shit.

975
01:01:33,856 --> 01:01:37,485
Black guys don't fucking put on
captain's hats and act like assholes.

976
01:01:37,568 --> 01:01:40,363
Asian guys are definitely
not pulling that shit,

977
01:01:40,446 --> 01:01:42,824
and Latino guys aren't doing it either.

978
01:01:43,574 --> 01:01:46,285
Well, Pitbull is,
but he's a special situation.

979
01:01:50,498 --> 01:01:53,543
Because anyone in our society
who's, like, a real captain,

980
01:01:53,626 --> 01:01:54,627
you know, heroes,

981
01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:57,255
they would never put on a captain's hat
in the first place.

982
01:01:57,338 --> 01:01:59,424
Nobody would deem themselves a captain.

983
01:01:59,507 --> 01:02:01,509
The real heroes of our society,

984
01:02:01,592 --> 01:02:04,679
who are nurses and teachers
and flight attendants...

985
01:02:04,762 --> 01:02:06,264
[cheering and applause]

986
01:02:06,347 --> 01:02:09,434
Yeah. Those are the heroes now.
Flight attendants.

987
01:02:09,517 --> 01:02:12,478
Can you believe
the shit that they've had to put up with

988
01:02:12,562 --> 01:02:14,230
the last three years?

989
01:02:14,313 --> 01:02:15,773
Innocent women

990
01:02:15,857 --> 01:02:16,941
and gay men...

991
01:02:19,277 --> 01:02:23,489
who just wanted to spend a few extra
weekends a year in Puerto Vallarta

992
01:02:24,490 --> 01:02:29,829
now have to spend their shifts duct-taping
fat Republicans to their airplane seats.

993
01:02:29,912 --> 01:02:31,914
[cheering and applause]

994
01:02:37,795 --> 01:02:39,172
Unbelievable.

995
01:02:39,255 --> 01:02:41,966
Talk about a societal breakdown.

996
01:02:42,049 --> 01:02:45,428
They're not equipped
to be fighting crime in the sky.

997
01:02:47,430 --> 01:02:50,475
So I see this guy right away,
and I'm like, "Boner killer."

998
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:53,936
I'm like, "There's no way."

999
01:02:54,020 --> 01:02:56,814
He sees me and makes a beeline,
comes straight over to me.

1000
01:02:58,191 --> 01:03:00,067
And he goes, "Are you Chelsea Handler?"

1001
01:03:00,568 --> 01:03:01,568
I go, "No."

1002
01:03:05,281 --> 01:03:07,825
And I look down,
and he's wearing flip-flops.

1003
01:03:09,118 --> 01:03:11,120
I'm like, "This is a double assault."

1004
01:03:12,413 --> 01:03:15,208
In the middle
of a winter storm in February,

1005
01:03:15,291 --> 01:03:16,491
this guy's wearing flip-flops.

1006
01:03:16,542 --> 01:03:21,214
I am so done with men
extending their visa for flip-flops.

1007
01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:24,133
You are allowed to wear them
in one season. It's called summer.

1008
01:03:24,217 --> 01:03:26,552
Okay? Don't extend boundaries.

1009
01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:28,346
[cheering and applause]

1010
01:03:28,429 --> 01:03:29,347
Those are our shoes.

1011
01:03:29,430 --> 01:03:32,517
They're for us
and for gay men who get fucking pedicures.

1012
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:35,478
Don't flaunt your feet in our faces.
We're sick of it.

1013
01:03:39,190 --> 01:03:42,026
He goes, "You have a problem
with flip-flops?" I go, "I do."

1014
01:03:42,735 --> 01:03:45,404
I said, "And just so you know,
there's a whole other group of men

1015
01:03:45,488 --> 01:03:47,698
that love to wear flip-flops
in the wintertime

1016
01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,492
and also argue with women."

1017
01:03:49,575 --> 01:03:51,035
"They're called the Taliban."

1018
01:03:51,118 --> 01:03:53,120
[shocked exclamations and cheering]

1019
01:03:58,751 --> 01:04:02,588
"Think about that the next time you wanna
slap those puppies on your feet, okay?"

1020
01:04:07,051 --> 01:04:09,053
He goes, "Let me cut the tension."

1021
01:04:09,554 --> 01:04:11,556
"My name is Gregg."

1022
01:04:13,641 --> 01:04:15,893
I said, "Let me guess. Two Gs?"

1023
01:04:17,770 --> 01:04:19,063
He goes, "How did you know?"

1024
01:04:19,146 --> 01:04:21,190
I go, "Because of your outfit."

1025
01:04:25,319 --> 01:04:28,489
And then he tried again. He goes, "Quick.
Top ten favorite bands. Name 'em."

1026
01:04:32,201 --> 01:04:33,744
I was like, "Nickelback."

1027
01:04:35,329 --> 01:04:37,748
[applause]

1028
01:04:43,045 --> 01:04:46,215
And then, as a last-ditch effort,
he goes, "I have drugs."

1029
01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:48,926
I said, "You'd better."

1030
01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:55,683
And he takes out this plastic bag
filled with all these capsules.

1031
01:04:55,766 --> 01:04:57,310
"What is that?" He said, "It's Molly."

1032
01:04:57,894 --> 01:05:01,272
And he goes to hand me one capsule.
I said, "Please give me the whole bag."

1033
01:05:06,736 --> 01:05:08,112
I said, "Listen to me,

1034
01:05:08,613 --> 01:05:09,906
Grejjjj."

1035
01:05:18,789 --> 01:05:22,209
"You might be wearing the captain's hat,
but I'm the captain now."

1036
01:05:22,293 --> 01:05:23,711
[cheering and applause]

1037
01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:32,261
"And you don't deserve your drugs."

1038
01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:35,181
"These drugs are now
for every woman at this party

1039
01:05:35,264 --> 01:05:37,475
who had to see that outfit
walk in the door."

1040
01:05:39,685 --> 01:05:40,937
He goes, "You seem angry."

1041
01:05:41,020 --> 01:05:42,146
I said, "Oh, I am."

1042
01:05:43,064 --> 01:05:45,149
"I'm angry on behalf of all women."

1043
01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:48,486
"That a man like you
thinks he can wear an outfit like that

1044
01:05:48,569 --> 01:05:51,864
and come to a party and fuck
a girl like me. Not gonna happen."

1045
01:05:51,948 --> 01:05:54,116
[cheering and applause]

1046
01:05:59,163 --> 01:06:02,917
I'm angry that, after everything
we've learned as a society,

1047
01:06:03,000 --> 01:06:06,295
all together, men and women alike,
and everything in between,

1048
01:06:06,379 --> 01:06:10,383
all together, everything we've learned
about the imbalance of power

1049
01:06:10,466 --> 01:06:13,010
and what abuse
women have been subjected to,

1050
01:06:13,094 --> 01:06:14,512
that men aren't just walking up

1051
01:06:14,595 --> 01:06:17,264
and the first sentence out of their mouth
is "I'm sorry."

1052
01:06:17,348 --> 01:06:18,975
[cheering and applause]

1053
01:06:21,268 --> 01:06:24,522
After everything we've gleaned
about the imbalance of power

1054
01:06:24,605 --> 01:06:28,275
and the abuse that women have been
subjected to at the hands of men...

1055
01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:30,444
It doesn't mean you're guilty
or you're guilty.

1056
01:06:30,528 --> 01:06:32,071
It doesn't mean anything like that.

1057
01:06:32,154 --> 01:06:34,949
As a society,
you all owe us a fucking apology.

1058
01:06:35,032 --> 01:06:37,034
[cheering and applause]

1059
01:06:39,620 --> 01:06:40,454
Honestly.

1060
01:06:40,538 --> 01:06:44,875
You're arguing with us about flip-flops
and a captain's... I mean, honestly!

1061
01:06:46,002 --> 01:06:46,836
And I know...

1062
01:06:46,919 --> 01:06:49,130
If you're a straight, white man
sitting here tonight,

1063
01:06:49,213 --> 01:06:50,715
I know somebody made you come.

1064
01:06:53,426 --> 01:06:57,138
I know if you're not a girl or gay
or transitioning or non-binary,

1065
01:06:57,221 --> 01:06:58,889
somebody dragged your ass here tonight.

1066
01:06:58,973 --> 01:07:02,143
And I know when straight, white men
hear the sound of my voice

1067
01:07:02,226 --> 01:07:05,730
or the name Chelsea Handler,
they're like, "Get the fuck away from me!"

1068
01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:08,524
I know that.

1069
01:07:08,607 --> 01:07:12,486
But I don't need you to like me in order
for me to try to fucking help you, okay?

1070
01:07:14,196 --> 01:07:16,323
It's not easy for me either.

1071
01:07:17,158 --> 01:07:21,662
I have to wake up two hours earlier
than everyone just to de-cuntify myself.

1072
01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:26,125
I have to sit on the edge of my bed
like a baby

1073
01:07:26,208 --> 01:07:29,837
and do a mantra that says,
"Do not be a cunt today. You are one."

1074
01:07:34,216 --> 01:07:38,721
But after all this time, when you guys
ask us stupid fucking questions,

1075
01:07:39,388 --> 01:07:43,559
like, "We don't know what to do anymore.
Can we still open the door for you?"

1076
01:07:46,687 --> 01:07:47,772
It's like, "Yeah."

1077
01:07:47,855 --> 01:07:51,734
"You've been raping us
since the beginning of time."

1078
01:07:51,817 --> 01:07:54,779
"The least you could do
is open the door for us."

1079
01:07:54,862 --> 01:07:56,864
[cheering and applause]

1080
01:07:58,699 --> 01:08:02,036
"Open it, close it,
and then open it again, you moron!"

1081
01:08:02,870 --> 01:08:05,539
"Are you missing the entire conversation?"

1082
01:08:06,165 --> 01:08:07,750
I mean, it's unbelievable.

1083
01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:10,711
My brother's like, "Chelsea,
not all white guys are bad guys."

1084
01:08:10,795 --> 01:08:13,964
I go, "Nobody said that.
Nobody ever said that."

1085
01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:15,633
"But now you sound suspicious."

1086
01:08:19,553 --> 01:08:20,822
And if you're not the asshole...

1087
01:08:20,846 --> 01:08:23,046
I'm assuming if you're sitting
in this audience tonight,

1088
01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:25,935
you're with a woman or a man
who's already explained this shit to you.

1089
01:08:26,018 --> 01:08:28,145
If you're not the asshole,
you know an asshole,

1090
01:08:28,229 --> 01:08:30,147
and you need to spread this messaging.

1091
01:08:30,648 --> 01:08:32,650
[cheering and applause]

1092
01:08:34,985 --> 01:08:40,116
No more complaining. No more complaining
about how hard it is to be a white guy.

1093
01:08:40,199 --> 01:08:44,912
Do you understand how insulting that is?
"It's so hard to be a white guy now."

1094
01:08:44,995 --> 01:08:49,708
We just won the right to do what we want
with our bodies 50 years ago,

1095
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,503
and it's being taken away from us today.

1096
01:08:52,586 --> 01:08:54,588
[cheering and applause]

1097
01:08:57,550 --> 01:09:00,469
So don't call us hysterical.
We're not hysterical.

1098
01:09:00,553 --> 01:09:01,971
Okay? We're not hysterical.

1099
01:09:02,054 --> 01:09:05,766
Your opinions on racism and sexism
are irrelevant.

1100
01:09:05,850 --> 01:09:08,435
You're not the victims of that.
You're the perpetrators.

1101
01:09:08,936 --> 01:09:10,938
[cheering and applause]

1102
01:09:16,610 --> 01:09:20,114
I was in Whistler
three and a half, four months maybe.

1103
01:09:20,197 --> 01:09:21,282
I came home

1104
01:09:21,907 --> 01:09:22,741
and nine...

1105
01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:27,580
nine of my girlfriends
who were in heterosexual relationships

1106
01:09:28,164 --> 01:09:29,290
had transitioned

1107
01:09:29,373 --> 01:09:32,042
into full-time pussy pounders.

1108
01:09:39,300 --> 01:09:41,594
Nine of my girlfriends.

1109
01:09:43,053 --> 01:09:45,222
There is a mass exodus

1110
01:09:46,682 --> 01:09:50,019
of adult onset lesbianism happening

1111
01:09:50,644 --> 01:09:53,606
as a direct result of men's behavior.

1112
01:09:56,984 --> 01:10:00,988
People who are not naturally gay
are contemplating becoming gay.

1113
01:10:02,072 --> 01:10:05,242
You are turning us against you
and towards beaver.

1114
01:10:07,828 --> 01:10:10,915
I called my sister from the moon,
and I said,

1115
01:10:11,999 --> 01:10:14,501
"Hey, you and I
might need to become a couple."

1116
01:10:16,253 --> 01:10:18,047
She said, "I don't want that."

1117
01:10:19,006 --> 01:10:20,507
I said, "Nor do I. Okay?"

1118
01:10:20,591 --> 01:10:22,676
"But pickings are getting pretty slim."

1119
01:10:23,886 --> 01:10:28,015
"So get yourself a pair of Birkenstocks
'cause we might be heading to Maine."

1120
01:10:28,098 --> 01:10:30,100
[cheering and applause]

1121
01:10:34,855 --> 01:10:37,399
That's how serious
the situation has gotten.

1122
01:10:37,483 --> 01:10:41,362
You are forcing me to contemplate
going down on my own sister.

1123
01:10:48,202 --> 01:10:50,663
And that's why I'm dating a Filipino man.

1124
01:10:50,746 --> 01:10:52,915
[cheering and applause]

1125
01:10:56,919 --> 01:11:00,130
Because no man has ever spoken to me
or treated me

1126
01:11:00,214 --> 01:11:02,883
the way that Jo Koy speaks to me
and treats me.

1127
01:11:02,967 --> 01:11:04,593
[cheering and applause]

1128
01:11:04,677 --> 01:11:05,678
I mean...

1129
01:11:06,553 --> 01:11:09,807
Some of the things he says to me,
I can't even believe he's for real.

1130
01:11:09,890 --> 01:11:11,100
I'm like, "What?"

1131
01:11:11,183 --> 01:11:14,061
We were on one of our first dates,
we were at a restaurant,

1132
01:11:14,144 --> 01:11:18,023
and the owner of the restaurant,
some big, fat idiot, comes to our table

1133
01:11:18,857 --> 01:11:21,986
and he goes, "Hey, I saw your name
on the reservation list, Chelsea."

1134
01:11:22,069 --> 01:11:25,072
"Not a big fan, but my wife is.
But she's my third wife."

1135
01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:30,911
I said, "Well, good luck
with your fourth wife, sir."

1136
01:11:34,915 --> 01:11:36,125
He walked away from the table

1137
01:11:36,208 --> 01:11:38,585
and Jo Koy goes,
"That just made my dick hard."

1138
01:11:40,337 --> 01:11:42,131
[cheering and applause]

1139
01:11:45,843 --> 01:11:50,806
My confidence and my inability
to take shit from anybody turns him on.

1140
01:11:50,889 --> 01:11:53,392
Instead of me
having to shrink my personality

1141
01:11:53,475 --> 01:11:55,227
to avoid emasculating a man,

1142
01:11:55,311 --> 01:11:57,521
he's fucking turned on by who I am.

1143
01:11:57,604 --> 01:11:59,982
[wild cheering]

1144
01:12:00,065 --> 01:12:02,526
You know how sexy that is? Uh!

1145
01:12:05,946 --> 01:12:09,283
We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving,
and I put on a bikini,

1146
01:12:09,366 --> 01:12:12,453
and I said, "Honey, can you check out
my cellulite on the back of my ass?"

1147
01:12:12,536 --> 01:12:14,413
"Is it too bad?" He goes, "What?"

1148
01:12:14,496 --> 01:12:18,000
"Cellulite is what makes a woman a woman.
That's fucking hot."

1149
01:12:18,083 --> 01:12:20,085
[cheering and applause]

1150
01:12:23,213 --> 01:12:25,716
I was like, "That just made my dick hard."

1151
01:12:28,427 --> 01:12:30,387
I didn't even know that was a sentence.

1152
01:12:30,888 --> 01:12:34,767
I was like, "I have to write this down
so every woman can hear that sentence."

1153
01:12:34,850 --> 01:12:35,726
[audience member] Yes!

1154
01:12:35,809 --> 01:12:38,270
I'm a Jewish girl from New Jersey

1155
01:12:38,354 --> 01:12:41,315
who has never, ever liked giving blow jobs

1156
01:12:41,398 --> 01:12:43,609
because one guy from high school

1157
01:12:43,692 --> 01:12:47,529
ruined it for the rest of the guys
I was ever gonna have sex with.

1158
01:12:47,613 --> 01:12:50,407
His name is Daniel Lombardo.

1159
01:12:56,663 --> 01:12:59,875
L-O-M-B-A-R-D-O.

1160
01:13:05,839 --> 01:13:08,342
I tried to give him
my very first blow job.

1161
01:13:08,425 --> 01:13:12,971
You know how intimidating that is
for a 16-year-old girl, to go down on...

1162
01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:16,266
You don't even know what you're gonna do
when you get down there.

1163
01:13:16,975 --> 01:13:19,353
Like, "I guess I'll just whistle." [blows]

1164
01:13:26,819 --> 01:13:29,655
I tried to give
my very first blow job to Daniel,

1165
01:13:29,738 --> 01:13:31,365
and I put my head down there,

1166
01:13:31,448 --> 01:13:34,660
and then Daniel put his hand
on the back of my head.

1167
01:13:34,743 --> 01:13:37,830
- [outraged groans]
- And I got up and kicked him in the nuts.

1168
01:13:37,913 --> 01:13:39,915
[cheering and applause]

1169
01:13:44,086 --> 01:13:46,255
Now that I'm being seen and respected,

1170
01:13:46,338 --> 01:13:49,550
I take Jo Koy's hand
and put it on the back of my head

1171
01:13:49,633 --> 01:13:51,343
'cause I love blow jobs now.

1172
01:13:51,427 --> 01:13:53,429
I can't get enough of them.

1173
01:13:54,304 --> 01:13:56,723
Sometimes, I even put my Invisalign in.

1174
01:14:10,571 --> 01:14:12,948
The other night,
we were both performing in Missouri.

1175
01:14:13,031 --> 01:14:15,242
I was in Kansas City,
and he was in Springfield.

1176
01:14:15,325 --> 01:14:19,163
And we were two and a half hours away,
but we both had two nights of a show.

1177
01:14:19,246 --> 01:14:22,291
One night and then the next night.
That's what two nights means.

1178
01:14:27,671 --> 01:14:30,841
And he texted me after the first show.
"I'm coming to kiss you good night."

1179
01:14:30,924 --> 01:14:33,236
"I can't be this close to you
and not kiss you good night."

1180
01:14:33,260 --> 01:14:34,094
[audience] Awww!

1181
01:14:34,178 --> 01:14:37,556
He drove two and a half hours there
and two and a half hours back.

1182
01:14:37,639 --> 01:14:38,640
[audience] Awww!

1183
01:14:38,724 --> 01:14:40,809
I would never do that for anyone.

1184
01:14:47,691 --> 01:14:49,818
We were in New York City the other night.
We got home,

1185
01:14:49,902 --> 01:14:52,070
and I was like,
"Oh shit, I forgot to get tampons."

1186
01:14:52,154 --> 01:14:54,424
He goes, "Honey, sit down.
I'll get your tampons for you."

1187
01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:56,742
I go, "Absolutely not.
It's 2:30 in the morning."

1188
01:14:56,825 --> 01:14:59,536
"It's New York City.
It's not safe. I'll go with you."

1189
01:15:02,623 --> 01:15:04,208
And he looked at me, sat me down.

1190
01:15:04,291 --> 01:15:06,752
He goes, "You've been buying tampons
your entire life."

1191
01:15:06,835 --> 01:15:08,921
"I'm gonna buy your tampons from now on."

1192
01:15:10,380 --> 01:15:12,382
[cheering and applause]

1193
01:15:16,845 --> 01:15:18,931
That made me wanna do anal.

1194
01:15:25,979 --> 01:15:28,899
Okay? So just start
sprinkling that bullshit around, guys.

1195
01:15:28,982 --> 01:15:32,528
I'm gonna write a handbook for men
called <i>The Filipino In Me.</i>

1196
01:15:35,405 --> 01:15:37,950
Just start saying that shit to us.
You don't have to believe it.

1197
01:15:38,033 --> 01:15:40,033
Just start saying it
and you'll start believing it.

1198
01:15:40,077 --> 01:15:42,162
But more important,
we'll start hearing it.

1199
01:15:42,246 --> 01:15:45,624
We need to hear that stuff.
We need to hear that cellulite is sexy.

1200
01:15:45,707 --> 01:15:47,709
[cheering and applause]

1201
01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:52,673
And if you're sitting in this audience
and you haven't found your person yet,

1202
01:15:52,756 --> 01:15:54,675
please do not ever lower your standards

1203
01:15:54,758 --> 01:15:56,927
or panic because you think
you're getting too old.

1204
01:15:57,010 --> 01:15:58,303
Your person is coming,

1205
01:15:58,387 --> 01:16:01,181
and they're not wearing flip-flops
and a captain's hat.

1206
01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:03,684
[cheering and applause]

1207
01:16:07,104 --> 01:16:10,649
I said to him...
I go, "I love you to the moon and back."

1208
01:16:12,776 --> 01:16:16,196
He said, "Honey, you don't even know
where the fucking moon is."

1209
01:16:16,697 --> 01:16:20,367
Thank you, Nashville! Thank you so much!

1210
01:16:20,450 --> 01:16:22,536
[cheering]

1211
01:16:22,619 --> 01:16:24,288
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

1212
01:16:24,371 --> 01:16:26,623
[indistinct speech]

1213
01:16:26,707 --> 01:16:28,166
Thanks, guys!

1214
01:16:29,293 --> 01:16:30,335
Thank you!

1215
01:16:31,253 --> 01:16:33,046
Hello. Hi.

1216
01:16:33,880 --> 01:16:34,880
Thank you.

1217
01:16:35,632 --> 01:16:36,717
Thank you.

1218
01:16:36,800 --> 01:16:38,802
[cheering]

1219
01:16:41,096 --> 01:16:44,016
Thank you, Nashville!
This was fucking awesome.

1220
01:16:44,099 --> 01:16:45,976
[cheering]