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Downloaded from
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- [rock music plays]
- [crowd cheering]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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{\an8}[announcer] Please welcome to the stage,
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{\an8}Jim Jefferies!
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[crowd cheers and applauds]
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Hello, Toronto.
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Alright.
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Alright, look at this.
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We're all out.
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No more fucking masks!
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[crowd cheers]
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I hated the masks.
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I'll tell you who's gonna miss the masks:
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chicks with good bodies but shit faces.
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Haven't they been getting away with murder
the entire pandemic?
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In Australia, we call them prawns
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'cause you keep the body
and throw the head away.
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I just got back from touring Australia,
the whole place was flooded.
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Right?
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Remember three years ago,
the whole place was on fucking fire?
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Remember that? Just before Covid,
all of Australia was on fire
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and we're all like, "The world
can't get any worse than this."
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People died.
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People lost their homes.
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The only thing reported
in North America
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about the fires in Australia was...
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- [man] Koalas.
- The koalas, yes.
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You all seemed very concerned
about the koalas.
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If you saw me,
you'd say something.
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"I'm so sorry to hear about your koalas."
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And I'm like...
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Pretty fucking cut up
about the whole thing.
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How did they get all the press?
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Imagine you're a fucking wombat
and your family's just burnt to death.
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Now I like koalas
as much as the next man...
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but if any animal deserves to die,
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it's the koala.
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The koala is the laziest animal on Earth.
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It sleeps for 22 hours a day.
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The sloth sleeps for 21.
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It only eats eucalyptus leaves.
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Eucalyptus leaves
are its source of food and water.
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There is a chemical in eucalyptus
that reacts the same way to them
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that THC reacts to us.
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So they're stoned all fucking day.
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[cheers and applause]
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Eighty percent of koalas have chlamydia.
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So they're stoned with chlamydia.
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We all have a friend like this.
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And they're up in the tree
with their family,
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just sitting there.
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And the fire's blazing
through the Australian bush.
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And all the other animals
are running and jumping
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in the opposite direction of the flames.
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Not the koala.
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"It's gettin' a bit hot."
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[audience laughs]
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"It's probably just your chlamydia,
love, go back to sleep."
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And then when we have
these natural disasters
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how do we rectify it as a society?
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We get a young Swedish girl
with a twitchy eye to tell us off.
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Fucking Greta gets up there
and she's like,
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"I should be in school."
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- [mumbles]
- [audience laughs]
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Now, I know,
as soon as I mention Greta Thunberg
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that's a triggering thing
for a lot of women.
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A lot of women get upset when
a man my age mentions Greta Thunberg.
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In your brain,
a little loop's going on
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going, "How dare you pick
on a 16-year-old girl?
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Who do you think you are?"
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You know what? You're right.
That's wrong.
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But she's 19 now and I fucking waited.
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[audience laughs and cheers]
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I waited three long years
to talk about this shit.
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I can say whatever the fuck I want
about a 19-year-old.
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Here's one for you:
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I can fuck Greta Thunberg
and I've done nothing wrong.
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[audience laughs]
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And I wouldn't use a condom either.
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Out of respect for her
and the environment.
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Now,
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I don't have a problem
with Greta fundamentally.
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I agree
with everything she's saying.
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I agree with the science.
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I just don't wanna fucking hear it.
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She's always picking on my generation.
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She's like, "Your generation
ruined it for my generation."
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Not "my generation", Greta.
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You're thinking of the cunts before me.
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The generation before me
did fucking nothing.
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My generation
invented the different colored bins.
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That's all I can do, Greta.
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I'm fucking flat out with the different
fucking colored bins.
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The generation before me had one bin
and they threw everything into it.
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They didn't give a fuck.
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And it was a small, steel
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fucking Oscar the Grouch
lookin' fucking bin.
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And it had a lid that fully detached.
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'Cause that generation
was so fucking stupid.
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They hadn't thought
to put a hinge on the bin.
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So the lid and the bin could be one unit.
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Maybe they talked about it
in the bin factory.
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Someone threw out the idea of the hinge,
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"I reckon we should put on a hinge."
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And then one bloke puts up his hand,
"Yes, Neville?"
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And then Neville goes,
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"But what if the kid
wants to use the lid as a shield?"
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Oh!
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"You fucking got me there, Neville.
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Why would I wanna fuck around
with childhood magic?
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No hinge it is!"
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And then on garbage day...
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the bin company
conveniently put two handles,
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two steel handles,
on the side of the bin.
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So you have a couple
of options on garbage day.
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You can get the bin by one handle,
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and drag it along your driveway
with fucking sparks flying out of the cunt
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and take it out to the curb.
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Or...
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you can pick that bin up with the two
handles and put the wet garbage
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up against your body,
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and you could waddle out to the sidewalk
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like this.
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'Cause that generation
was so fucking stupid...
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they didn't think to put
man's first invention
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on the bottom of the fucking bin.
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They didn't see...
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[audience cheers]
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a heavy object
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that had to be moved on the regular
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and thought, "Fuck me,
the wheel would nail this one."
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[audience laughs]
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They missed plenty
of these opportunities.
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We didn't have wheels on suitcases
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in any meaningful way
until like the mid-90s.
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No one had wheels on suitcases.
I remember my father being at the airport
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carrying two bags,
another one under his armpit,
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like,
"There's no better way to do this."
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We went to the airport in a fucking car.
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He saw wheels in motion.
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He was holding the wheel the entire time,
couldn't fucking piece it together.
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1971.
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1971 was the first time the patent office
got a patent
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for a suitcase with wheels on it.
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1971 was the first time
anyone on this planet
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thought...
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to put wheels on a suitcase.
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To put that in context,
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we went to the moon in the 60s.
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[audience laughs and applauds]
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This means that Neil Armstrong
left his house...
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and he said to his wife,
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"Next time you see me,
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I'll be on the moon."
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[laughter]
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[cheers, applause]
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And he got out to the launchpad,
looked at the rocket majestically.
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"One day,
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one day they'll put rockets on bags."
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[cheers, applause]
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So,
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let's tell some stories.
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This first story
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involves my fried DJ Qualls.
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Right. You might know him
as the skinny guy from Road Trip
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or Hustle & Flow, or more importantly,
Billy from Legit.
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Right? So...
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So DJ... DJ's gay.
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Right? I can tell this story. He knows.
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He's well-aware. Also...
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If there are any gay people
in the room this evening, welcome.
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[stammers] I...
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Big fan of the gay community.
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I've always been pro-gay.
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I studied musical theater at university.
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I grew up in Sydney,
one of the gayest cities on Earth.
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Me and the gays, we're down.
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In fact, I'd say I'm an advocate.
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They have not said that.
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I like the gays.
I like the LGBTQ community.
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I like em' all!
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I like the L, the B, the G, the T, the Q.
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In equal measures.
I don't even have a favorite!
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I like em' all equally.
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I support them all equally.
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As individual groups.
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I do not support them
as a collective group.
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Because they have fucking
nothing in common.
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You have one bloke who's like,
"I like sucking dicks!"
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Another guy goes,
"I wanna cut my dick off!
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We should be a group!"
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[audience laughs]
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Which brings us to the trans... people.
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Uh, look. Hot topic in comedy.
A lot of people are talking about it.
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I've worked
with trans people for 20 years
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in this business.
I have no issue with trans people.
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I think it must be a very hard life.
You know, if there was a surgery
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that I could have for me to stop
hating myself, I'd fucking take it.
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So I get it. It's not an easy choice.
Right? And then--
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I've got no problems with trans people,
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I see all the comedians,
there's Chapelle and Gervais
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and they told those jokes,
and, um...
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Everyone got upset
and there was all this press.
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And I have no problem with trans people.
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But I do like press.
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So here we go!
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As I said, I like trans people.
Do you know why I like trans people?
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I like anyone who's got a good story.
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If we're at a party and you tell me
you cut your dick off,
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you've caught my attention.
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I'll sit and chat to you for a while.
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I feel like
you might have some tales to tell.
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Can I empathize completely
with a trans person?
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I try to, but I can't, really.
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Because I'll never know what it's like
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to hate the body I'm living in so--
oh, hang on, I do.
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I...
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I've never understood this argument.
"I hated the body I live in."
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That's like 98% of us.
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Ninety-eight percent of us
get out of the shower
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and see ourselves in the mirror
and go, "Aww..."
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But I've never wanted to cut my dick off
and that's a fundamental difference.
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I do consider myself
a bloke with a six pack
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and I'd like you to see me
that way as well.
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I like trans people.
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I often think
they shouldn't stop transitioning.
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Keep going!
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[laughter]
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Transition more.
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You ever see a trans person
and think to yourself,
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"They could do with more."
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Let me explain.
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So when a man becomes a woman
and I will call you a woman
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or them, they, her, whatever
you wanna be called. I got all day.
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I'll call you whatever you want,
I regard you as a woman,
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you've made the decision to change,
I regard you as a woman.
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So the surgery, first thing they do
is take the hormones,
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it lowers the bone density,
it raises the voice a bit.
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Then they go get the surgery.
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So the first thing they do is,
they cut the dick off
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and they put that on a plate.
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I don't-- for the life of me,
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I don't know why people laugh
when I say, "You put that on a plate."
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What did you want me to do
in this scenario?
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They cut the dick off and they chuck it!
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Of course there's a fucking plate!
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So they cut the dick off,
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now they have to make a hole.
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So they get a spoon...
251
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:49,156
at this stage, I should mention
that I'm not a doctor.
252
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:50,908
[laughter]
253
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:54,328
I have no formal medical training
to speak of.
254
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:57,456
So I just know this happens. So...
255
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,084
They shovel a hole.
256
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,882
But that's just a hole.
That's not realistic.
257
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:09,093
You need flaps.
258
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:14,223
And that's where
the dick meat comes into play.
259
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:17,309
So they...
260
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:20,020
They julienne some dick strips...
261
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,147
[laughter]
262
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:27,194
...and they get some
3M double-sided tape.
263
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,491
And they put two on this side
264
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,244
and one on that side.
265
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:38,956
I don't know a lot about cunts,
but they're not symmetrical.
266
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,208
[laughter]
267
00:16:43,043 --> 00:16:44,294
So...
268
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,796
[cheers]
269
00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:47,756
So then they've made it, right?
270
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,968
That's all really--
that's good now, it's good.
271
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:56,098
So they grow their hair long,
make sure they're clean shaven, right?
272
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,100
Then they get the fake tits.
273
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,812
Now, here is my problem
where they don't transition enough.
274
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,733
They always get perfect tits.
275
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,068
Believe me.
276
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,447
They always get perfect tits.
277
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,743
And that's not the real
female experience.
278
00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,078
They wanna be a real woman,
279
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:21,540
they gotta get one titty
slightly bigger than the other.
280
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:24,960
And a nipple covering one for no reason.
281
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:29,798
You do that,
you can play any sport you want, I reckon.
282
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,849
Then the next one,
so a woman becoming a man.
283
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,518
How would they...
284
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:43,854
They would have to...
285
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,441
You'd fill that in, wouldn't you?
You'd fill it in?
286
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:52,196
Cement?
287
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:53,864
[laughter]
288
00:17:55,157 --> 00:17:56,992
So they cement that in.
289
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:03,582
Then they have to build a new fresh dick
with that new dick smell.
290
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:08,879
Maybe that's what
all the excess dick bits...
291
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:13,717
They build a new dick. A beautiful dick.
You'd ask for a good one, wouldn't ya?
292
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:17,054
You wouldn't go small.
You'd go, "Give me a nice dick."
293
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:20,474
Then they take the hormones,
they always grow a beard.
294
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:23,477
I'd grow a beard too.
I understand that completely.
295
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,853
They cut off the tits.
296
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,399
But they always keep
the full head of hair.
297
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,281
That is not the real male experience.
298
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,992
- [man] Whoa!
- [audience laughs]
299
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,245
If they wanna be a real man,
300
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:42,830
just one of them.
Just one.
301
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,624
Shave the horse-shoe shape in,
302
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:51,088
and grow a bit out the side
and fuck it, whip it across.
303
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:58,554
'Cause they will never know the full pain
of male pattern baldness.
304
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,849
It's fucking killer.
If you watch my early specials
305
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,767
I think I've done nine, maybe--
306
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,186
You watch them,
I get hairier and hairier
307
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,314
as I go along.
'Cause I had a transplant
308
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:10,983
I've had fucking--
309
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,819
I take a tablet every day
for the last 15 years
310
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:16,029
to keep my hair looking this shitty.
311
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,448
[audience laughs]
312
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:22,995
Hey, every single fucking day
I have to take this tablet,
313
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:25,289
if I stop, my hair falls out.
314
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,124
Gotta keep taking it.
315
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,586
But I have to only take it
every four days now.
316
00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:33,422
If I take it everyday,
my dick doesn't work.
317
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,340
[laughter]
318
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,011
So I have a couple of options in life.
319
00:19:40,637 --> 00:19:43,640
Either I have hair
and I can't fuck anyone,
320
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,268
or I'm bald and no one wants to fuck me.
321
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:56,111
And people, you mock the bald.
322
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:59,448
You tease them,
it's like the last physical--
323
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,284
We can't knock the fat anymore,
or this or that.
324
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:05,495
But it's the last physical thing
people tease about.
325
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,664
"Hey baldy."
They don't give a fuck.
326
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:11,543
My friend, someone polished his head
at a party with a tea towel.
327
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,422
Right? Fucking terrible shit.
328
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,840
It really hurts.
329
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,885
Losing your hair as a man is devastating.
330
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,053
Devastating.
331
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:23,430
So you can't joke about it anymore.
332
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:27,142
And you're thinking I'm a comedian,
I should have thicker skin.
333
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,561
But no. It's over.
334
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:34,316
You cannot knock or tease
male pattern baldness anymore.
335
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,944
And these are your rules,
not fucking mine.
336
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,612
And I'll tell you why.
337
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,697
I'll tell you why.
338
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,825
Because one woman once
339
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:46,745
had her baldness
mentioned in jest...
340
00:20:48,455 --> 00:20:51,833
and you all lost your fucking shit,
didn't ya?
341
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:56,129
Fuck Jada Pinkett Smith
and her bald ass fucking head!
342
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:58,590
- I have zero sympathy!
- [audience cheers]
343
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,926
I hope it never grows back!
344
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:06,014
She has it easy!
345
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:13,313
A woman losing their hair is easier
than a man losing their hair.
346
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,275
And I know you don't think it is,
but it fucking is.
347
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:20,862
First of all,
sympathy out the fucking wazoo.
348
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,866
They get called brave.
349
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:30,163
Sir, did anyone ever call you brave?
350
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:32,541
[laughter]
351
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:34,418
Not fucking one! Not one!
352
00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:41,341
She could've worn a wig.
353
00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:44,344
She could've worn a wig.
No one would've cared.
354
00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:48,598
Men aren't allowed to cover
their baldness up in any fucking way,
355
00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:52,269
and if they do,
they're considered a loser by society.
356
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:57,441
If a man has a comb over,
as soon as he leaves the room,
357
00:21:57,524 --> 00:21:59,818
you're all making little comments.
358
00:22:00,777 --> 00:22:03,447
"You see the fucking cunt
with the comb over?"
359
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:07,659
How dare he.
360
00:22:07,743 --> 00:22:11,580
How dare he try to look like
he has hair like everyone else.
361
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,045
Not allowed to wear a wig.
362
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:21,298
If a man wears a wig and
is found out, that's fucking--
363
00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:23,425
there's no country you can move to.
364
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:27,262
If a man wears a wig,
365
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:32,267
and he's not found out,
his entire life is lived in fear.
366
00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:36,938
All day's he's like this.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!
367
00:22:37,981 --> 00:22:40,442
The weatherman said it wouldn't be windy!"
368
00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:42,444
[laughter]
369
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:49,493
Yet women are allowed to wear wigs.
370
00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:52,996
Women are allowed to wear wigs
over full heads of hair,
371
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,374
and they're just having a bit of fun.
372
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,338
Wigs for everyone,
373
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:03,924
or wigs for no one!
374
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:08,595
[audience cheers and applauds]
375
00:23:10,013 --> 00:23:11,473
While I'm at it,
376
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:13,934
fake ponytails, hair extensions.
377
00:23:14,017 --> 00:23:16,770
If you can't grow it,
you can't fucking have it!
378
00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:20,023
Do you know how disgusting it is
379
00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:23,985
that a part of our society with hair
who are allowed to wear wigs
380
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,403
when the bald is not?
381
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:28,281
That is the equivalent
382
00:23:28,365 --> 00:23:31,243
of a woman who can walk
getting in a wheelchair...
383
00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:35,664
and wheeling herself up
384
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:40,043
to a legless man trying to crawl
his way home from the pub...
385
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,881
and she just keeps up with him
and laughs.
386
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:47,551
[chuckles softly]
387
00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:53,557
So my point is...
388
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,309
DJ's gay, right?
389
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:58,270
- So...
- [audience laughs]
390
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:05,193
Now, this is the story of how
DJ Qualls came out of the closet.
391
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:08,864
His friends and I knew he was gay,
but it wasn't public.
392
00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:13,618
Me and DJ went to see Elton John
in concert at his Farewell Tour, right?
393
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:16,037
- So we're sittin' there--
- [cheers]
394
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,164
Yeah.
395
00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:20,000
I'll take any cheer I can get.
Anyway, so...
396
00:24:20,083 --> 00:24:22,669
We went to the concert,
we're sitting there,
397
00:24:22,752 --> 00:24:26,548
and Elton's at the piano
and the band leaves the stage
398
00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:30,510
and now it's just Elton, the piano,
and a spotlight. Nothing else.
399
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:31,970
And Elton says,
400
00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:35,098
"This will be the final song
I perform this evening."
401
00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:36,641
Now of course, it wasn't.
402
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,643
[laughter]
403
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:41,730
He was doing that cunty thing
that musicians do.
404
00:24:42,939 --> 00:24:46,234
Like fucking how long as a society
405
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:48,904
are we gonna play their fucking game?
406
00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:52,532
Every single concert we go to,
407
00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:56,161
"No.
408
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,832
Don't go."
409
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:04,336
You know they're coming back.
410
00:25:04,419 --> 00:25:06,713
And we always act surprised.
411
00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:08,381
[exclaims]
412
00:25:09,674 --> 00:25:10,675
"We did it!"
413
00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:15,347
I was next to a young fella.
Maybe his first concert.
414
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:17,057
He was maybe 15-years-old.
415
00:25:17,140 --> 00:25:20,060
Elton said, "This'll be the final song."
416
00:25:20,143 --> 00:25:22,520
And the kid lost his mind.
"No, Elton!
417
00:25:23,563 --> 00:25:24,648
No!"
418
00:25:25,649 --> 00:25:28,109
And I was like,
"Calm the fuck down, mate.
419
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:31,112
He hasn't sung 'Rocket Man' yet."
420
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,989
[laughter]
421
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:33,990
So we're there,
422
00:25:35,575 --> 00:25:39,287
it's a three-hour mark and Elton, right?
423
00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:43,792
He says, he gives a ten minute speech.
A beautiful speech, Farewell Tour.
424
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:47,921
He says, "Thank you so much
for following my 50 year career.
425
00:25:48,004 --> 00:25:51,925
Thank you so much for buying the albums
and hearing the music.
426
00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:56,221
Without you listening to the songs,
me writing them is inconsequential.
427
00:25:56,304 --> 00:25:59,474
And I love you.
You're the greatest fans I could have."
428
00:25:59,557 --> 00:26:01,226
A beautiful speech, right?
429
00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:03,728
Very long, but it was a beautiful speech.
430
00:26:04,562 --> 00:26:07,732
And I turned to DJ and I went,
"I should do that."
431
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:10,485
And he said, "Do what?"
432
00:26:10,568 --> 00:26:13,446
"I should thank the people
who come to see me.
433
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:16,616
I never do that.
I tell my jokes and I piss off.
434
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:18,576
I don't do that."
435
00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:21,788
And he goes,
"Yeah, but with your fanbase
436
00:26:21,871 --> 00:26:24,582
someone would just yell out, 'Fag!'
Like that."
437
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:29,838
And as he said that,
Elton John had stopped talking.
438
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,423
[laughter]
439
00:26:32,215 --> 00:26:34,968
And the word "fag" just sang out.
440
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:40,056
Everyone in the room's
freaking the fuck out.
441
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:44,060
They're all turning around.
Of course they think it's me.
442
00:26:46,104 --> 00:26:49,024
I'm elbowing DJ,
"Probably a good time to come out.
443
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:50,984
I'd come out right fucking now."
444
00:26:53,611 --> 00:26:55,822
Elton John looks up from his piano.
445
00:26:56,656 --> 00:26:58,825
Stares at us, the room goes silent.
446
00:26:58,908 --> 00:27:01,536
Now let's break down
what just happened there.
447
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:05,665
Elton John's at the three-hour mark
of his Farewell Tour
448
00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:07,625
and he gave a lovely speech,
449
00:27:07,709 --> 00:27:10,712
and someone yelled out "fag."
450
00:27:13,757 --> 00:27:17,218
Who must've Elton thought that person was?
451
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:21,473
Did he think it was someone
who really hated him
452
00:27:21,931 --> 00:27:26,478
and had come to show after show,
and was like,
453
00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:31,066
"If I don't say it now,
I'll never say it!"
454
00:27:33,485 --> 00:27:36,363
Or did he think it was someone
455
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:38,198
who had just figured it out?
456
00:27:38,281 --> 00:27:40,700
[laughter]
457
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:41,910
Maybe...
458
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:46,039
Maybe someone who'd bought the albums,
listened to the music,
459
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:48,083
never seen the outfits.
460
00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:52,796
And he's sitting with his wife like this.
461
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,764
"He wears an awful lot
of sequins, doesn't he?
462
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:04,557
[laughter]
463
00:28:08,770 --> 00:28:10,105
"You know what I think?
464
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,317
I think he might be a...
465
00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:15,360
fag!"
466
00:28:21,199 --> 00:28:22,909
So the next day...
467
00:28:23,785 --> 00:28:25,620
I'm performing in San Diego,
468
00:28:26,204 --> 00:28:28,456
and DJ came along
with me to my show.
469
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:33,378
And so he's, he's sitting in the wings
470
00:28:33,461 --> 00:28:36,005
and I tell the Elton John story
that night.
471
00:28:36,089 --> 00:28:39,217
I'm on the stage,
and I don't mention DJ's name
472
00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:41,511
because I don't want them
to know it's him.
473
00:28:41,594 --> 00:28:44,389
And then he walked on stage
out of nowhere.
474
00:28:44,597 --> 00:28:48,059
He came on, and I looked at him,
"What the fuck's he doing?"
475
00:28:48,143 --> 00:28:49,269
And he...
476
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:55,817
And he took the microphone from me,
and he went,
477
00:28:56,359 --> 00:28:57,569
"It was me!
478
00:29:00,029 --> 00:29:01,030
I'm gay!"
479
00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:03,992
And the whole place erupted.
480
00:29:04,701 --> 00:29:06,536
And he just waved goodnight.
481
00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:11,124
And then he tweeted about it right away.
482
00:29:11,207 --> 00:29:13,752
Tweeted it so he couldn't take it back.
483
00:29:13,835 --> 00:29:15,170
That's how he came out.
484
00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:19,048
Then we went out that night
and everyone was so excited for him.
485
00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:20,842
People from the show came up,
486
00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:23,094
gave him drinks and hugs,
took photos.
487
00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:26,723
Everyone-- It was one of the best nights
I've ever had.
488
00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:28,099
Coming out
489
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:29,726
looks like a lot of fun.
490
00:29:29,809 --> 00:29:31,019
Like...
491
00:29:32,061 --> 00:29:35,482
Like, I was gettin' jealous.
492
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:39,569
'Cause you know, as a hetero,
493
00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:41,613
we've got nothin'.
494
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:42,697
You know...
495
00:29:43,531 --> 00:29:44,657
Like...
496
00:29:45,825 --> 00:29:49,496
I have no bit of information
that will really ruin
497
00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:51,456
an elderly relative's Christmas.
498
00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:58,630
So I thought about it,
499
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:02,801
what have I got
that's close to coming out?
500
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:07,180
I thought about it
and I've come up with this.
501
00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:08,765
It's hard to say publicly,
502
00:30:08,848 --> 00:30:10,225
but I have to...
503
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:11,851
live my truth.
504
00:30:18,608 --> 00:30:22,070
My favorite TV show
is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
505
00:30:22,153 --> 00:30:25,740
[cheers, applause]
506
00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:30,036
I love that shit!
507
00:30:30,870 --> 00:30:36,000
I don't work on Monday nights
'cause I like to follow the live tweets.
508
00:30:36,751 --> 00:30:39,087
I'm part of Bachelor Nation!
509
00:30:39,754 --> 00:30:41,589
I fuckin' love that shit.
510
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:44,884
A lot of you might think
I'm an idiot for enjoying that.
511
00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:48,012
Well, I'm not an idiot!
512
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:52,141
I'm not stupid.
I don't like reality shows.
513
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:55,311
I don't watch Selling Sunset,
or Below Deck,
514
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,397
or any of that fuckin' shit.
515
00:30:58,314 --> 00:31:00,859
I like game shows.
516
00:31:00,942 --> 00:31:04,195
And The Bachelor is a game show,
517
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:07,323
where the prize is a person.
518
00:31:09,617 --> 00:31:13,329
It's a lot of people who just want
to get famous.
519
00:31:13,413 --> 00:31:16,082
And we force two of them
to get married.
520
00:31:19,669 --> 00:31:21,170
It's fuckin' belter.
521
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:25,091
If you've never seen it,
I'll walk you through The Bachelorette.
522
00:31:25,174 --> 00:31:26,843
It's a 28-year-old girl.
523
00:31:26,926 --> 00:31:29,429
She lives in a house
you never really see.
524
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:31,264
She's in this house over here.
525
00:31:31,347 --> 00:31:35,810
And there's a mansion
that literally has 30 guys in it
526
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:38,646
that are all fighting
for her attention, right?
527
00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:41,691
She comes over
and visits occasionally.
528
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:42,901
Oh!
529
00:31:44,903 --> 00:31:48,323
There's a petition,
going around the internet,
530
00:31:48,406 --> 00:31:49,908
for a gay bachelor.
531
00:31:50,325 --> 00:31:51,784
No!
532
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:53,494
[laughter]
533
00:31:54,954 --> 00:31:59,751
The Bachelor is a heterosexual show
for heterosexual people,
534
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:04,255
and it will remain that way,
thank you very much.
535
00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:08,217
I'm not being homophobic.
536
00:32:08,301 --> 00:32:10,845
It just wouldn't logistically work.
537
00:32:11,387 --> 00:32:14,349
Say you got a gay bachelor,
his name's Darren.
538
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:16,726
Darren lives in a house over here.
539
00:32:18,603 --> 00:32:22,106
Then there's a mansion over here...
540
00:32:23,441 --> 00:32:25,401
with 30 guys.
541
00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:29,155
You're getting ahead of me, Toronto,
don't do that.
542
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:31,783
[laughter, applause]
543
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:35,912
And the producers come over
to meet Darren.
544
00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:38,665
They go,
"We've got a great group of guys.
545
00:32:38,748 --> 00:32:41,167
They're very excited to meet you."
546
00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:46,464
"I'm excited to meet them."
547
00:32:47,632 --> 00:32:50,051
And then Darren walks over there.
548
00:32:50,468 --> 00:32:55,264
With all of his hopes and wishes
and dreams inside this house.
549
00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:58,977
And he gets to the doorknob,
and takes a breath...
550
00:33:00,895 --> 00:33:04,607
and then he opens the door
and they're all fuckin' each other.
551
00:33:06,734 --> 00:33:09,112
And the producers,
552
00:33:09,195 --> 00:33:11,906
they know this isn't good
for the show.
553
00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:15,410
So they roll up a newspaper
and start wackin' 'em.
554
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:19,372
"Get out of it!
Stop fuckin' each other!"
555
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:21,958
They get a spray bottle.
[imitates spraying]
556
00:33:22,041 --> 00:33:25,003
They get on of 'em
and rub their nose in their cum.
557
00:33:25,086 --> 00:33:27,964
"Bad gay! Bad gay!"
558
00:33:35,179 --> 00:33:37,140
So no gay Bachelor.
559
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:45,773
[cheering]
560
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:49,819
Let's do The Bachelorette.
561
00:33:49,902 --> 00:33:53,364
The bachelorette will be
a 28-year-old girl,
562
00:33:53,448 --> 00:33:57,744
she's known she'll be the bachelorette
for, like, four months.
563
00:33:57,827 --> 00:34:00,580
She does what most
women do before marriage.
564
00:34:00,663 --> 00:34:03,583
She's working out every day.
She's eating well.
565
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:07,045
If she does eat something naughty,
she vomits it back up.
566
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:14,802
This is a comedy show, so if there are
any bulimic women in the room,
567
00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:16,888
don't think it goes unnoticed.
568
00:34:18,264 --> 00:34:21,559
Us boys appreciate
that you're keeping it tight.
569
00:34:22,310 --> 00:34:25,772
You're doing what the fat girls
aren't willing to do.
570
00:34:26,773 --> 00:34:28,191
So...
571
00:34:31,277 --> 00:34:33,529
She's at the front of this mansion,
572
00:34:34,697 --> 00:34:38,076
She's all bulimic,
ripped and bulimic, sexy...
573
00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:43,039
She's had her hair
and makeup done professionally
574
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:46,375
She's in a $10,000 dress
that the show has given her.
575
00:34:46,459 --> 00:34:50,254
This woman is in her prime.
576
00:34:50,671 --> 00:34:55,802
She will never look better than she does
at this exact moment.
577
00:34:57,178 --> 00:35:00,264
What a good time to fall in love, eh?
578
00:35:01,516 --> 00:35:05,394
I can't see any disappointment
in the future.
579
00:35:06,729 --> 00:35:09,524
So she stands at the front of the house,
580
00:35:09,607 --> 00:35:12,819
then 30 limos, one by one,
will drive up,
581
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,655
and 30 different men will come out
of their car.
582
00:35:15,738 --> 00:35:18,407
They'll walk up,
they'll introduce themselves,
583
00:35:18,491 --> 00:35:20,910
then they'll say some line
they pre-rehearsed
584
00:35:20,993 --> 00:35:23,121
they think will sweep her
off her feet.
585
00:35:23,204 --> 00:35:26,666
This line will be some
innocuous bit of rubbish
586
00:35:26,749 --> 00:35:29,335
that fuckin' means nothing.
Now...
587
00:35:30,670 --> 00:35:33,464
They show up in the car,
good lookin' guys,
588
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,550
wearing a beautiful,
tailored suit.
589
00:35:35,633 --> 00:35:37,969
Right?
But because they're in their 20's,
590
00:35:38,052 --> 00:35:40,012
the leg's up to here.
591
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:45,434
It's very important to that generation
that we see their ankles.
592
00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:49,021
You look like cunts.
Anyways...
593
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:52,191
[laughter, applause]
594
00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:59,073
So the limousines show up,
595
00:35:59,657 --> 00:36:01,826
and out steps this guy, right?
596
00:36:01,909 --> 00:36:05,204
He'll be handsome,
wrinkly forehead handsome.
597
00:36:05,288 --> 00:36:08,583
And he'll walk up to her,
he'll be...
598
00:36:18,926 --> 00:36:20,970
"Hi, my name's Kevin.
599
00:36:23,723 --> 00:36:25,308
I believe...
600
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,018
that a woman's heart
601
00:36:27,101 --> 00:36:28,728
should be protected."
602
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,899
What the fuck does this mean?
603
00:36:35,568 --> 00:36:38,321
But she will think this is amazing.
604
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:40,448
She'll just be like,
605
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:44,869
"I also believe that a woman's heart
needs protecting."
606
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,586
"Well maybe we should talk
about that inside."
607
00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:55,671
And then he walks off,
608
00:36:56,255 --> 00:36:57,673
and she loses her shit.
609
00:36:57,757 --> 00:37:01,177
She goes to the presenter,
"Oh, my God, it's Kevin.
610
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:02,803
Kevin's the one."
611
00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:06,807
She doesn't know fuckin' jack shit
about Kevin.
612
00:37:07,558 --> 00:37:11,062
Kevin arrived in a car he doesn't own,
in a suit he's been given
613
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:14,065
walking into a mansion
he's never fucking been in.
614
00:37:14,982 --> 00:37:18,277
Kevin could be unemployed,
living with his mom in Regina.
615
00:37:18,361 --> 00:37:20,571
He doesn't know fuckin' Kevin.
616
00:37:20,655 --> 00:37:23,908
[cheering]
617
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:30,456
Now on the show
you need to get a rose, alright?
618
00:37:30,539 --> 00:37:34,418
And if you're one of the guys--
I don't watch the Canadian version.
619
00:37:34,502 --> 00:37:36,504
I live in America,
they give roses.
620
00:37:36,587 --> 00:37:40,800
I assume with you guys it's,
"I really like you, here's a beaver pelt."
621
00:37:40,883 --> 00:37:43,094
[laughter]
622
00:37:46,931 --> 00:37:49,809
In the USA they give a rose, right?
623
00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:53,396
If you're one of these guys going,
624
00:37:53,479 --> 00:37:56,524
"I won't get a rose this week,
she doesn't like me,"
625
00:37:56,607 --> 00:37:59,402
What you do,
you tell her a sob story, alright?
626
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:02,488
Cause she can't fuck you off
that week.
627
00:38:02,571 --> 00:38:04,282
Can't get rid of you that week.
628
00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:07,118
She's a bitch if she kicks you off
that week.
629
00:38:07,201 --> 00:38:09,787
So a sob story will buy you
about a week.
630
00:38:09,870 --> 00:38:10,955
Now...
631
00:38:11,038 --> 00:38:15,209
it's amazing how they just weave them
into conversations out of nowhere.
632
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:18,462
And 'cause they're in their 20's,
some of these sob stories
633
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:20,464
are as weak as balls.
634
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:24,218
And it always happens--
they'll be playing touch football,
635
00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:27,555
the girl comes by, they say,
"Hey, Katie, how are you?"
636
00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:29,932
And one guy will stand back...
637
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:32,643
and he'll wait
'til he makes eye contact.
638
00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:43,321
She'll come up, and she'll be like,
"What's wrong?"
639
00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:50,870
"Oh, no.
640
00:38:51,746 --> 00:38:53,831
No, no. It's...
641
00:38:55,291 --> 00:38:57,793
It's nothing, it's nothing.
642
00:38:57,877 --> 00:38:59,920
It's just that...
643
00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:04,133
we're having such a good time today,
644
00:39:04,216 --> 00:39:06,302
I just wish that...
645
00:39:11,015 --> 00:39:13,434
my grandmother was here
to see it."
646
00:39:14,810 --> 00:39:16,604
And you're like,
647
00:39:16,687 --> 00:39:20,399
"You're 28, mate, you're grandmother's
meant to be dead, cunt."
648
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:25,780
There was a guy last season,
649
00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:28,949
he was raising a four-year-old boy,
right?
650
00:39:29,033 --> 00:39:31,911
'Cause his wife had died
two years earlier.
651
00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:33,746
[chuckles]
652
00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:38,292
That's roses all day!
653
00:39:42,922 --> 00:39:44,340
I...
654
00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:49,887
[cheering]
655
00:39:53,057 --> 00:39:54,100
I...
656
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:57,395
I got married in Covid.
657
00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,148
I...
658
00:40:01,816 --> 00:40:04,402
I would've waited a little longer
659
00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,821
but, I said to my wife,
660
00:40:06,904 --> 00:40:10,699
"I'm worried that Covid's going to end,
we must get married now."
661
00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:15,663
She said, "Why?"
'Cause my wife's British, I'm Australian.
662
00:40:15,746 --> 00:40:17,581
We live in Los Angeles, right?
663
00:40:17,665 --> 00:40:20,709
I said, "Covid will end,
we have to get married."
664
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,378
She's like, "Why?"
I go,
665
00:40:22,461 --> 00:40:24,755
"'Cause if we wait 'til after Covid,
666
00:40:24,839 --> 00:40:28,092
I have to fly cunts in
from all over the world.
667
00:40:29,176 --> 00:40:32,471
See people I don't want
to fuckin' know."
668
00:40:32,555 --> 00:40:34,890
So we went to Vegas,
just did it,
669
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:38,227
and rang everyone up,
"It wasn't the same without you.
670
00:40:39,728 --> 00:40:41,897
Damn you, Covid!"
671
00:40:43,816 --> 00:40:45,734
It was the fuckin' best, man.
672
00:40:45,818 --> 00:40:48,737
I love my wife,
I'm lovin' being married.
673
00:40:48,821 --> 00:40:50,156
I'm loving it.
674
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,323
I know.
675
00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:53,200
[cheering]
676
00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:54,660
I believe...
677
00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:57,955
I believe in the term,
"Happy wife, happy life."
678
00:40:58,038 --> 00:41:01,000
These are words to live by.
679
00:41:01,083 --> 00:41:04,753
There's never been a truer sentence
in the English language
680
00:41:04,837 --> 00:41:07,840
than "Happy wife, happy life."
681
00:41:07,923 --> 00:41:11,927
If your wife is happy, you'll be happy,
the kids will be happy,
682
00:41:12,011 --> 00:41:13,888
everyone will be happy.
683
00:41:14,180 --> 00:41:17,057
It does surprise me, however,
684
00:41:17,766 --> 00:41:21,270
that there's no saying
that goes the other way.
685
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,067
If my wife had a saying,
it would be,
686
00:41:27,151 --> 00:41:29,612
"Happy husband, we'll see about that."
687
00:41:29,695 --> 00:41:31,363
[laughter]
688
00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:37,745
Or, "Happy husband,
what's he been up to?"
689
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:43,709
So...
690
00:41:44,710 --> 00:41:46,629
We get married in Vegas,
691
00:41:47,296 --> 00:41:50,799
and then my wife gets pregnant
on the wedding night.
692
00:41:51,759 --> 00:41:53,177
Probably mine.
693
00:41:56,639 --> 00:42:00,351
So she gets pregnant,
it wasn't expected.
694
00:42:00,434 --> 00:42:02,478
We have a little boy now.
695
00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:04,813
- Um... [chuckles]
- [cheers]
696
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:07,107
Thanks.
697
00:42:12,112 --> 00:42:14,240
I'm not fuckin' having another one.
698
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:16,492
I'm not doing it.
699
00:42:17,117 --> 00:42:19,703
I'm actually having a vasectomy
on Monday.
700
00:42:19,787 --> 00:42:22,706
[cheering]
701
00:42:23,415 --> 00:42:26,126
I had to time it after this.
I'm having one on Monday.
702
00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:28,254
My wife doesn't want me to get one.
703
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:30,756
- But I said, "My body, my choice."
- [man] Do it!
704
00:42:30,839 --> 00:42:32,675
[cheering]
705
00:42:33,634 --> 00:42:35,844
I see why you guys
like throwing that out.
706
00:42:35,928 --> 00:42:38,847
That seems like a fun sentence,
"My body, my choice."
707
00:42:39,431 --> 00:42:41,350
I told my dad a couple weeks ago,
708
00:42:41,433 --> 00:42:45,104
I said, "Dad, I'm getting a vasectomy."
He's 81 years old.
709
00:42:45,187 --> 00:42:49,024
I said, "Dad, I'm getting a vasectomy."
He said, "Don't do it."
710
00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:53,362
I said, "Why not?"
He goes, "Because most women,
711
00:42:53,445 --> 00:42:55,906
not all women,
but most women
712
00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,908
they like to see the cum."
713
00:43:04,206 --> 00:43:06,333
And I said, "Dad,
714
00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:09,128
when you have a vasectomy,
you still ejaculate,
715
00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:10,963
it just doesn't work anymore."
716
00:43:11,046 --> 00:43:13,215
And he went,
"Oh, get one, then."
717
00:43:13,299 --> 00:43:15,467
[laughter]
718
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:20,889
That's the fastest
I've ever seen anyone
719
00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:24,351
change their opinion
on fucking anything.
720
00:43:25,936 --> 00:43:28,397
He's 81 years old,
and all that time
721
00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:32,735
he thought blokes with vasectomies
were shooting dust out of their dicks.
722
00:43:39,325 --> 00:43:41,994
So the wife gets pregnant, right?
723
00:43:42,077 --> 00:43:44,121
Now, we had a baby shower.
724
00:43:44,204 --> 00:43:46,582
We had a little boy,
we had a baby shower.
725
00:43:46,665 --> 00:43:48,876
Before I tell this,
I have to mention,
726
00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:51,420
my wife is British,
very posh accent,
727
00:43:51,503 --> 00:43:54,256
sounds like Mary Poppins,
my wife, right?
728
00:43:54,340 --> 00:43:56,759
She's British, but visually...
729
00:43:56,842 --> 00:43:58,886
she's, um... she's Indian.
730
00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:03,515
I feel like I said that weird, didn't I?
Said that a bit weird.
731
00:44:03,932 --> 00:44:05,809
How do I fix that?
732
00:44:07,061 --> 00:44:10,648
British talky talky,
Indian looky looky.
733
00:44:12,483 --> 00:44:14,652
Alright, nailed it.
Anyway...
734
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:18,656
So my wife's Indian,
735
00:44:20,449 --> 00:44:24,495
she's walking around the baby shower
holding her stomach, going,
736
00:44:24,578 --> 00:44:26,038
[sighs]
737
00:44:26,705 --> 00:44:29,083
"I hope he's brown.
738
00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:33,754
I want a brown baby.
739
00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:37,716
Not a stupid White baby."
740
00:44:40,386 --> 00:44:42,388
Now, I wasn't offended.
741
00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:46,183
But imagine if the shoe
was on the other foot.
742
00:44:47,893 --> 00:44:51,689
Imagine if I was walking around
the baby shower with my friends...
743
00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:01,907
and I pointed at my wife's stomach,
744
00:45:02,408 --> 00:45:03,534
and went,
745
00:45:04,159 --> 00:45:05,911
"I hope he's White.
746
00:45:08,747 --> 00:45:10,791
I want a White baby,
747
00:45:11,667 --> 00:45:14,670
not a stupid brown baby."
748
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:21,176
Anyway, so the baby's born.
749
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:25,097
This thing's white as fuck, man.
750
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:29,017
It's so fuckin' white.
751
00:45:29,643 --> 00:45:33,605
This is whiter than the kid I had
with the blonde Canadian woman.
752
00:45:33,689 --> 00:45:36,316
[laughter]
753
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,277
I don't know what happened.
754
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:40,529
I was at the cunt-end of the birth,
755
00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:43,407
and I saw the baby crowning,
756
00:45:43,490 --> 00:45:46,618
I was like, "She's not gonna be happy
about this!"
757
00:45:51,373 --> 00:45:53,417
My mother-in-law--
So at this stage
758
00:45:53,500 --> 00:45:55,794
they take baby out,
my mother-in-law has it.
759
00:45:55,878 --> 00:45:59,339
My wife's being stitched up.
She's being stitched up.
760
00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:02,843
Could have done more.
Anyway, so...
761
00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:10,184
She's being stitched up,
the reason I'm telling you this,
762
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:11,894
she's in no mood to make a joke,
763
00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:15,355
she's not joking when she says
this next thing, she's not joking.
764
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:19,776
This baby that came out of the woman
looks just like me.
765
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:22,988
It has thin hair
and one eyebrow.
766
00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:28,952
My mother-in-law's there,
she holds the baby next to my head,
767
00:46:29,036 --> 00:46:31,455
and she goes, "Oh, my God.
768
00:46:32,331 --> 00:46:34,791
He looks exactly the same as Jim."
769
00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,169
And my wife said,
770
00:46:37,252 --> 00:46:39,838
"So you don't think he'll be
good looking?"
771
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,548
[laughter]
772
00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:48,180
You can't argue with a woman
when her cunt's being stitched up.
773
00:46:48,263 --> 00:46:49,515
You just can't!
774
00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:53,644
So I just stand there
and take it like this.
775
00:47:02,110 --> 00:47:06,406
"Maybe he'll grow up to be one
of those people who pays for everything."
776
00:47:06,490 --> 00:47:11,411
[laughter, applause]
777
00:47:15,457 --> 00:47:20,420
So my wife-- I'd never seen her hornier
than the last trimester of her pregnancy.
778
00:47:20,504 --> 00:47:24,299
Don't know if it happens to others,
something to do with hormones.
779
00:47:24,383 --> 00:47:27,177
She wanted to fuck non-stop
in the last trimester.
780
00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:29,930
So we go to the obstetrician.
781
00:47:30,222 --> 00:47:33,850
And the obstetrician says to us,
my wife's asking the doctor,
782
00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:38,230
and the doctor's talking about
medicine things.
783
00:47:38,313 --> 00:47:42,401
She's like, "And the baby
will turn around,
784
00:47:42,484 --> 00:47:45,195
expect this to happen,
your ankles will do this,"
785
00:47:45,279 --> 00:47:49,032
she's telling her all these things,
and my wife's so single-minded,
786
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:51,493
she's like, "But can we still have sex?
787
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:53,745
Are we still allowed to have sex?"
788
00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:57,499
And the doctor's like, "Of course!
We encourage it.
789
00:47:57,583 --> 00:48:00,544
It's healthy to have sex
during the pregnancy."
790
00:48:00,627 --> 00:48:03,589
And I went, "Uh...
791
00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:05,716
[laughter]
792
00:48:07,718 --> 00:48:09,386
I don't know.
793
00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:14,641
Feels like it might hurt the baby."
794
00:48:17,853 --> 00:48:21,064
That wasn't the real reason
I didn't want to have sex.
795
00:48:22,107 --> 00:48:24,109
The real reason was...
796
00:48:27,904 --> 00:48:29,906
I thought she looked weird.
797
00:48:32,242 --> 00:48:34,995
Now, I know that's not
a nice thing to say,
798
00:48:35,829 --> 00:48:38,999
but I can't--
The dick wants what the dick wants.
799
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:41,418
The dick didn't want.
800
00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:45,005
I told him he should want,
but he's in charge, man.
801
00:48:46,214 --> 00:48:47,591
He didn't want.
802
00:48:48,634 --> 00:48:51,511
I love my wife.
I'm very attracted to my wife.
803
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:54,348
But when she was really pregnant,
she was like--
804
00:48:54,431 --> 00:48:57,684
She's five foot two,
she's under a hundred pounds.
805
00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,311
She gained no weight.
806
00:48:59,394 --> 00:49:02,189
All she gained was
a big fuckin' pot belly.
807
00:49:03,315 --> 00:49:06,485
She looked like fuckin' ET, man.
808
00:49:10,155 --> 00:49:13,825
So, I had this fuckin'
horny ET,
809
00:49:16,036 --> 00:49:18,372
just following me around
the house, like,
810
00:49:18,455 --> 00:49:21,249
"Are we going to fuck today?
Are we going to fuck today?"
811
00:49:21,333 --> 00:49:22,751
I'm like, "Oh, my God, no!"
812
00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:35,514
It's...
813
00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:38,767
Over the course of my career,
814
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:42,354
I've told a lot of jokes,
a lot of sex jokes. Lot of sex jokes.
815
00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:45,273
Normally they're about cocaine,
one-night stands,
816
00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:48,026
threesomes, prostitutes,
things like that.
817
00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:49,903
[cheering]
818
00:49:49,986 --> 00:49:52,948
I'm sorry, you'll not hear that
this evening.
819
00:49:53,573 --> 00:49:56,743
Because, I'm a happily married
father of two,
820
00:49:56,827 --> 00:49:58,328
I'm 45 years old,
821
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:00,706
and it's just not my life anymore.
822
00:50:00,789 --> 00:50:03,458
But I still want to do
some sex jokes for you.
823
00:50:03,542 --> 00:50:07,838
But these sex jokes
are for all the people in the room
824
00:50:07,921 --> 00:50:09,715
who are just like me.
825
00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:14,678
And they have to fuck
the same person every day.
826
00:50:17,514 --> 00:50:22,102
When you fuck the same person every day,
you get good at it.
827
00:50:22,561 --> 00:50:26,356
You get good or you get efficient.
You know each other's buttons,
828
00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:28,942
and how to get them
out of the room quickly.
829
00:50:31,570 --> 00:50:35,031
Now I should mention
something about myself. Um...
830
00:50:35,907 --> 00:50:38,994
I haven't had a drink
in 18 months.
831
00:50:39,077 --> 00:50:42,372
- Right, I don't...
- [cheers]
832
00:50:42,456 --> 00:50:44,124
I don't drink anymore.
833
00:50:44,541 --> 00:50:46,668
I think if you've watched my career,
834
00:50:46,752 --> 00:50:48,879
you've seen that I've had struggles.
835
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:52,507
I did some of my specials
completely drunk,
836
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:55,844
there were some specials
where I blacked out afterwards,
837
00:50:55,927 --> 00:50:57,888
and I don't remember the special.
838
00:50:57,971 --> 00:50:59,765
I just-- I had a problem.
839
00:50:59,848 --> 00:51:01,516
I had years that I was good,
840
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:03,852
I had a handle on it, then I didn't,
841
00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:07,522
then it got away from me.
It's been a struggle for many years.
842
00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:10,525
So I want to talk to you
about something important.
843
00:51:10,609 --> 00:51:13,528
I know a lot of you
won't like me talking about it.
844
00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:16,281
I had... something...
845
00:51:16,364 --> 00:51:19,743
come into my life
which I've always rejected.
846
00:51:20,243 --> 00:51:23,038
And this change has given me...
847
00:51:24,039 --> 00:51:27,000
Weed! How fucking good is weed?
848
00:51:27,083 --> 00:51:31,046
- I had no idea!
- [cheering]
849
00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:34,758
It was a drug I never did.
I was doing cocaine, and all...
850
00:51:34,841 --> 00:51:36,259
pills and all that shit.
851
00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:38,929
I never used weed.
I thought, "I might get--"
852
00:51:39,012 --> 00:51:40,889
It's the fucking best!
853
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:45,143
I never want to drink again, man!
854
00:51:45,227 --> 00:51:47,979
I don't want to drink.
I much prefer being high.
855
00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:49,648
I don't drink anymore.
856
00:51:49,731 --> 00:51:51,691
I'm high and dry, baby!
857
00:51:51,775 --> 00:51:53,109
High and dry!
858
00:51:54,110 --> 00:51:55,237
I fucking...
859
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,614
I get stoned,
860
00:51:57,697 --> 00:51:59,241
I take an edible,
861
00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:00,951
every fucking day.
862
00:52:02,160 --> 00:52:04,454
I'm a fucking koala, man!
863
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:07,791
[laughter, cheering]
864
00:52:11,336 --> 00:52:12,963
So every day...
865
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:17,259
I drop my kid at school,
and I take an edible.
866
00:52:17,342 --> 00:52:20,011
and I play Call of Duty
for about five hours.
867
00:52:22,347 --> 00:52:25,684
Alright, play Call of Duty,
and my wife will come in,
868
00:52:25,767 --> 00:52:27,936
I'll be there, stoned,
playing Call of Duty,
869
00:52:28,019 --> 00:52:30,021
and she'll come in,
sit next to me,
870
00:52:30,105 --> 00:52:32,107
and she'll go,
"Do you wanna fuck?"
871
00:52:32,190 --> 00:52:35,569
And I'll be like, "Uh...
872
00:52:38,738 --> 00:52:40,407
Team Deathmatch."
873
00:52:44,077 --> 00:52:46,037
And then she'll look up at me.
874
00:52:46,121 --> 00:52:48,999
I can't say no to her.
So I'm like this...
875
00:52:52,043 --> 00:52:53,670
Now get out of here, you!
876
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:57,883
And she's happy with that.
877
00:52:58,967 --> 00:53:01,511
That helps her move on with her day.
878
00:53:06,474 --> 00:53:09,477
My wife hasn't watched me
do standup for over a year
879
00:53:09,561 --> 00:53:11,438
because we have
a kid and she's--
880
00:53:11,521 --> 00:53:12,814
Look, life is busy.
881
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:15,150
She hasn't come to
my shows in a year.
882
00:53:15,233 --> 00:53:17,652
And I said to her before this special,
883
00:53:17,736 --> 00:53:23,533
I said, "Uh...
There's a couple of jokes about you."
884
00:53:25,785 --> 00:53:26,995
And she was like,
885
00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:29,247
"Don't tell me, don't tell me."
886
00:53:29,331 --> 00:53:32,375
She says, "I want to watch them
on Netflix with you."
887
00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:34,127
[cheering]
888
00:53:36,212 --> 00:53:37,213
So...
889
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:40,926
right now...
890
00:53:41,009 --> 00:53:45,597
if you're watching this on Netflix,
know that I'm next to my wife like this.
891
00:53:53,396 --> 00:53:56,066
When you're in a long-term relationship,
892
00:53:56,149 --> 00:53:57,984
you settle in to four positions.
893
00:53:58,068 --> 00:53:59,694
You start out with more,
894
00:53:59,986 --> 00:54:01,905
but as the relationship gets on,
895
00:54:01,988 --> 00:54:04,074
you settle down to your core four.
896
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:06,993
The four positions you always use.
897
00:54:07,077 --> 00:54:08,870
You both know your core four,
898
00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,081
but you've never
talked to each other
899
00:54:11,164 --> 00:54:12,332
about the core four.
900
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:16,169
Right now you're thinking
about your core four.
901
00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:21,341
And in the car ride home,
you'll talk about your core four.
902
00:54:24,427 --> 00:54:26,304
We're all doing two of the same.
903
00:54:27,389 --> 00:54:30,225
Her on top, him on top.
904
00:54:30,642 --> 00:54:32,310
These are classics!
905
00:54:33,603 --> 00:54:35,647
They're not going anywhere!
906
00:54:37,107 --> 00:54:40,860
Then the other two
are variables for your relationship.
907
00:54:41,987 --> 00:54:43,154
And they are...
908
00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:45,740
the one that helps her cum,
909
00:54:45,824 --> 00:54:47,909
and the one that helps him cum.
910
00:54:47,993 --> 00:54:50,161
Your finishing positions.
911
00:54:53,039 --> 00:54:55,834
I won't tell you
my wife's finishing position,
912
00:54:55,917 --> 00:54:57,961
because I respect her privacy.
913
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:02,841
But I will tell you mine.
914
00:55:04,384 --> 00:55:07,470
I used to finish in doggie
when I was a younger man,
915
00:55:07,554 --> 00:55:09,014
but as I've gotten older,
916
00:55:09,097 --> 00:55:11,516
I now finish in
what's called "lazy doggie."
917
00:55:11,599 --> 00:55:15,687
Lazy doggie is where
you lay in the spoon position,
918
00:55:16,896 --> 00:55:18,773
grab one tit,
919
00:55:19,399 --> 00:55:20,650
and you rut around.
920
00:55:26,239 --> 00:55:28,825
It's a fucking solid position.
921
00:55:29,534 --> 00:55:31,286
It's a good position!
922
00:55:32,162 --> 00:55:34,581
'Cause you feel like
you're being active,
923
00:55:34,664 --> 00:55:36,499
but you still get a pillow.
924
00:55:39,335 --> 00:55:41,463
My wife loves me so much,
925
00:55:41,546 --> 00:55:43,882
that if she finishes in her position,
926
00:55:43,965 --> 00:55:45,717
she'll just get off the cock,
927
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:47,844
and she'll lay in lazy doggie,
928
00:55:48,511 --> 00:55:51,306
and she'll look at me and go,
"Go on, then."
929
00:55:52,849 --> 00:55:54,184
And I'll be like,
930
00:55:54,267 --> 00:55:56,770
"Thanks, love. I shan't be long"
931
00:56:11,910 --> 00:56:13,453
Every now and again,
932
00:56:14,204 --> 00:56:16,706
you venture out of the core four.
933
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:20,001
You'll throw in an old position
you used to do.
934
00:56:20,085 --> 00:56:23,838
There's one position all couples do
four or five times a year.
935
00:56:23,922 --> 00:56:26,132
And every time, you go,
"This is dumb."
936
00:56:28,802 --> 00:56:30,386
That's reverse cowgirl.
937
00:56:31,012 --> 00:56:32,597
Now in case you don't know,
938
00:56:32,680 --> 00:56:35,266
that's when the girl's on top,
turned around.
939
00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:37,811
So the ass is facing you and she just--
940
00:56:37,894 --> 00:56:40,021
But she bends over,
so it's not good,
941
00:56:40,105 --> 00:56:41,940
because the dick goes this way,
942
00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:43,608
and the cunt goes that way.
943
00:56:43,691 --> 00:56:45,985
And they're fighting
against each other.
944
00:56:46,820 --> 00:56:48,905
Unless you have a big dick,
945
00:56:48,988 --> 00:56:51,866
- and I don't, right?
- [laughter]
946
00:56:51,950 --> 00:56:55,120
It'll come out every sixth thrust or so,
947
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,789
and you have to thumb it back in.
948
00:57:02,043 --> 00:57:04,254
Hello, mate.
Good to see you.
949
00:57:04,921 --> 00:57:06,214
Back you go.
950
00:57:07,924 --> 00:57:10,260
Didn't think I'd see you again so soon.
951
00:57:11,219 --> 00:57:12,220
Back in.
952
00:57:20,895 --> 00:57:24,232
There's another thing you only do
early in a relationship,
953
00:57:24,315 --> 00:57:25,775
and then you fuck it off.
954
00:57:26,734 --> 00:57:28,153
Sixty-nine.
955
00:57:28,987 --> 00:57:31,781
Sixty-nine is a new relationship activity.
956
00:57:31,865 --> 00:57:34,159
And then you fucking never do it again.
957
00:57:34,826 --> 00:57:36,369
Three months it gets, 69.
958
00:57:36,453 --> 00:57:40,290
You do it in the beginning to act
like you're free with your body.
959
00:57:41,749 --> 00:57:43,084
But then it's stupid.
960
00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:45,962
Too much geometry involved.
961
00:57:47,672 --> 00:57:49,007
I'm six foot tall,
962
00:57:49,090 --> 00:57:52,051
so I need a woman who's five-five
for the perfect 69.
963
00:57:52,135 --> 00:57:56,306
Any taller, I'm finger-banging behind
my head, and licking her navel.
964
00:57:56,389 --> 00:57:58,558
any shorter, my neck's up like this,
965
00:57:58,641 --> 00:58:01,561
and I feel like I'm in
the front row at the movies.
966
00:58:06,483 --> 00:58:09,277
That's why you gotta
give it up for the gays.
967
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:11,905
Must be wonderful.
968
00:58:12,780 --> 00:58:16,326
You just see each other.
Same height? 69.
969
00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:20,205
'Cause those people
stick together like LEGO.
970
00:58:26,628 --> 00:58:29,547
Another problem with 69 is,
971
00:58:30,131 --> 00:58:32,592
no one's doing their best work.
972
00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:38,848
I can't lick your cunt
to the best of my ability
973
00:58:38,932 --> 00:58:41,893
if you're sucking my dick
to the best of yours,
974
00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:44,145
and vice versa.
975
00:58:45,188 --> 00:58:46,856
I can't tell you...
976
00:58:46,940 --> 00:58:50,568
how many times I've been in 69,
and I've thought to myself...
977
00:58:57,867 --> 00:59:00,286
"I haven't done anything for minutes.
978
00:59:05,833 --> 00:59:07,961
Should probably get back to it."
979
00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:16,761
And then because
I'm doing such a good job,
980
00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:19,013
she's lost all focus!
981
00:59:20,265 --> 00:59:23,601
She has a cock in her mouth
with zero fucking passion!
982
00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:29,107
You have to knee her in the head,
"Fucking get back to it!"
983
00:59:36,864 --> 00:59:39,033
You ever do the 69,
984
00:59:39,117 --> 00:59:41,327
where the woman's laying on her back,
985
00:59:41,452 --> 00:59:43,705
and the man gets on top?
986
00:59:50,044 --> 00:59:52,672
This is so horrendous looking,
987
00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,844
that you can't search for it in Pornhub.
988
00:59:59,887 --> 01:00:02,098
No one in the world
has ever searched--
989
01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:04,684
I've tried!
They've never searched for this!
990
01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:07,687
No one wants to see it!
991
01:00:10,815 --> 01:00:13,985
You always get into
that position by accident.
992
01:00:15,069 --> 01:00:16,613
It's never your intention.
993
01:00:16,696 --> 01:00:19,490
Me and the wife
got into it by accident, right?
994
01:00:19,574 --> 01:00:21,284
So I'd...
995
01:00:21,367 --> 01:00:23,620
gone down her, right?
996
01:00:23,703 --> 01:00:25,079
Y'know...
997
01:00:25,163 --> 01:00:26,039
my turn.
998
01:00:26,122 --> 01:00:29,626
We don't keep a tally, but...
999
01:00:30,752 --> 01:00:31,753
I'm two up.
1000
01:00:31,836 --> 01:00:32,837
Anyway, so...
1001
01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:34,464
[laughter]
1002
01:00:36,257 --> 01:00:40,595
I go down on her, she finishes, right?
I fucking go, I'm off to the bathroom.
1003
01:00:40,678 --> 01:00:45,350
Her heads at the end of the bed,
she was lying that way,
1004
01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:47,977
and as I'm walking by,
she grabs my cock
1005
01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:50,396
and she goes to put it in her mouth
1006
01:00:51,356 --> 01:00:52,940
and I'm like, "Hello!"
1007
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:58,571
I should mention at this stage,
my in-laws will be watching this.
1008
01:01:04,661 --> 01:01:05,953
I...
1009
01:01:07,497 --> 01:01:10,041
I don't know what to tell ya.
Anyway, so...
1010
01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:14,128
So, she starts sucking my cock
1011
01:01:14,212 --> 01:01:16,923
and I'm like
"Good on you! Well done, you!"
1012
01:01:18,049 --> 01:01:22,428
And we go through the whole show,
the whole song and dance. We all do it.
1013
01:01:22,512 --> 01:01:24,263
She puts it in her mouth,
1014
01:01:24,347 --> 01:01:29,018
then she sticks her tongue out,
and I slap it on her tongue, and...
1015
01:01:29,102 --> 01:01:32,021
and she acts like
that's something she enjoys.
1016
01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:33,773
She's like this, "Ah!"
1017
01:01:33,856 --> 01:01:35,775
And I'm like...
1018
01:01:35,858 --> 01:01:38,403
[in sing-song]
"You're having a good time."
1019
01:01:39,737 --> 01:01:41,364
[in normal voice] So...
1020
01:01:42,740 --> 01:01:46,327
she's sucking on my dick,
and her head's at the end of the bed
1021
01:01:46,411 --> 01:01:48,371
and I don't know why I did this,
1022
01:01:48,496 --> 01:01:52,834
but I thought "What I'll do is
whip my leg around here... like that!"
1023
01:01:52,917 --> 01:01:55,086
And as soon as I did it,
1024
01:01:55,795 --> 01:01:57,547
I knew I'd made an error.
1025
01:01:59,549 --> 01:02:02,427
The ballsack was covering her nose, and
1026
01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:03,845
and...
1027
01:02:03,928 --> 01:02:06,305
and the breathing became very labored.
1028
01:02:08,891 --> 01:02:11,978
And not just her nose,
they'd come over her eyes,
1029
01:02:12,061 --> 01:02:13,730
giving her fly's eyes.
1030
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:18,401
And I was like,
"This can't be good.
1031
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:23,573
I have to relieve a bit of the pressure."
So, I put one knee up onto the mattress.
1032
01:02:23,656 --> 01:02:26,868
But all that did was shift
the balls off the eyes,
1033
01:02:26,951 --> 01:02:28,911
onto the bridge of the nose so...
1034
01:02:29,412 --> 01:02:31,247
she still can't breathe
1035
01:02:31,539 --> 01:02:35,918
but now she has a very clear view
of my gaping, hemorrhoidal asshole.
1036
01:02:39,005 --> 01:02:40,089
And I'm like...
1037
01:02:40,882 --> 01:02:42,258
"That can't be fun."
1038
01:02:43,885 --> 01:02:45,511
So, I put the other knee up.
1039
01:02:46,846 --> 01:02:47,847
Then I'm up.
1040
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:49,348
And then I fell forward,
1041
01:02:50,433 --> 01:02:52,477
and started licking from above,
1042
01:02:52,560 --> 01:02:55,396
and acted like that
was what I meant to do!
1043
01:02:57,148 --> 01:02:58,065
Now, boys...
1044
01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:03,654
if you ever find yourself in a situation
1045
01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:07,158
where a woman asks for a 69
where she's on the bottom
1046
01:03:07,241 --> 01:03:08,659
and you're on the top,
1047
01:03:09,911 --> 01:03:13,873
make sure you get yourself
some rock-solid consent.
1048
01:03:18,002 --> 01:03:21,881
Get a video of her saying
what she expects, what she wants.
1049
01:03:23,424 --> 01:03:27,386
Make her hold
the newspaper for that day.
1050
01:03:30,056 --> 01:03:33,559
Maybe a contract, get a notary.
There's not enough.
1051
01:03:35,853 --> 01:03:39,774
Because, girls,
once we get started in this position,
1052
01:03:41,692 --> 01:03:43,194
there's no turning back.
1053
01:03:45,029 --> 01:03:48,866
Unless your safe word is...
[mufled screams, gags]
1054
01:03:49,951 --> 01:03:52,119
you're butt-fuck outta luck!
1055
01:03:57,083 --> 01:04:00,419
If you do it on a soft,
inner-spring mattress,
1056
01:04:01,337 --> 01:04:03,130
she stands a chance!
1057
01:04:05,132 --> 01:04:08,261
You do it on memory foam,
you'll fucking kill a bitch!
1058
01:04:08,344 --> 01:04:09,887
[laughter]
1059
01:04:15,893 --> 01:04:18,020
That's what it's like to be married.
1060
01:04:28,573 --> 01:04:29,490
Now...
1061
01:04:30,366 --> 01:04:32,869
I wanna finish on this routine.
1062
01:04:33,661 --> 01:04:37,123
I have...
traveled the world with this job,
1063
01:04:37,206 --> 01:04:40,001
this job has been such
a blessing in my life.
1064
01:04:40,084 --> 01:04:42,795
I just, I have been...
I have been everywhere.
1065
01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:47,550
Anywhere where they speak English,
I've gotten up somewhere
1066
01:04:47,633 --> 01:04:50,303
and told a few dick jokes.
It's fantastic.
1067
01:04:50,386 --> 01:04:54,599
I'll tell you what, I've seen all
different cultures, different societies
1068
01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:58,352
and I know
who the biggest cunts on Earth are.
1069
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,272
The biggest cunts on Earth
1070
01:05:01,939 --> 01:05:03,441
are the Swedes.
1071
01:05:05,401 --> 01:05:08,654
Swedish people
are the worst people on Earth.
1072
01:05:09,864 --> 01:05:12,283
If there's any Swedish people in the room
1073
01:05:12,366 --> 01:05:14,452
know that you're not welcome here.
1074
01:05:14,535 --> 01:05:16,621
[laughter]
1075
01:05:19,540 --> 01:05:24,128
Do you know Sweden was the last place
in the free world to give up on Eugenics?
1076
01:05:24,211 --> 01:05:26,797
Right up until 1974,
1077
01:05:26,881 --> 01:05:29,592
they were sterilizing people
against their will
1078
01:05:29,675 --> 01:05:32,678
if they were disabled
or had a degenerative disease.
1079
01:05:33,012 --> 01:05:36,891
So if you had cerebral palsy,
muscular distrophy, you're a dwarf,
1080
01:05:36,974 --> 01:05:38,517
they sterilized you.
1081
01:05:39,393 --> 01:05:41,687
That's 1974.
1082
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,439
That's recent history.
1083
01:05:44,815 --> 01:05:48,569
But if you go there,
you can't argue with the results.
1084
01:05:49,862 --> 01:05:51,697
Fuck me, they're good looking!
1085
01:05:53,658 --> 01:05:57,411
Like they're so fucking good looking, man.
1086
01:05:57,495 --> 01:06:01,332
They're so good looking,
it's like they're killing the ugly people.
1087
01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:06,671
Now, I'm not saying they're walking
around killing people, that's ridiculous.
1088
01:06:06,754 --> 01:06:09,340
I'm saying they're doing it from birth.
1089
01:06:10,216 --> 01:06:12,718
So, there'll be, like,
a woman giving birth,
1090
01:06:12,802 --> 01:06:14,804
there'll be, like, a doctor,
1091
01:06:14,887 --> 01:06:18,391
and then there'll be, like,
an official guy in the corner.
1092
01:06:18,474 --> 01:06:21,310
And the doctor
pulls the baby out and goes...
1093
01:06:29,151 --> 01:06:30,111
"No."
1094
01:06:30,194 --> 01:06:32,321
[laughter]
1095
01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:39,704
Right?
1096
01:06:39,787 --> 01:06:44,333
Then they throw the baby in the corner
with all the other ugly, dead babies.
1097
01:06:44,417 --> 01:06:46,419
He didn't have a plate this time.
1098
01:06:46,502 --> 01:06:47,420
Right?
1099
01:06:49,213 --> 01:06:52,133
And the woman,
they're such a rational breed of people,
1100
01:06:52,216 --> 01:06:54,719
I don't think the woman
would even be upset.
1101
01:06:54,802 --> 01:06:58,139
I think she'd just be like this,
"Was it ugly, was it?
1102
01:07:00,766 --> 01:07:03,060
Thank you for catching it so early."
1103
01:07:13,070 --> 01:07:14,780
Urban legend has it...
1104
01:07:16,198 --> 01:07:18,659
that one of the ugly dead babies survived.
1105
01:07:19,910 --> 01:07:23,456
It wasn't hit hard enough,
and it was thrown into the corner.
1106
01:07:24,081 --> 01:07:28,002
And then the other ugly dead babies
kept on piling up on top of it.
1107
01:07:28,836 --> 01:07:30,337
And it lived under there.
1108
01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:31,797
Feeding...
1109
01:07:32,381 --> 01:07:34,133
off the rotting flesh.
1110
01:07:34,967 --> 01:07:36,552
Until, eventually,
1111
01:07:36,635 --> 01:07:39,430
it was strong enough
to crawl away on its own.
1112
01:07:40,806 --> 01:07:42,141
"Be free, Greta.
1113
01:07:43,976 --> 01:07:45,269
Be free."
1114
01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:48,814
Thank you very much!
1115
01:07:48,898 --> 01:07:50,274
{\an8}I appreciate it!
1116
01:07:50,357 --> 01:07:51,567
{\an8}You're awesome!
1117
01:07:51,650 --> 01:07:55,362
{\an8}- [rock music plays]
- [cheering, applause]