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♪ Become, become mighty! ♪

2
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♪ Become, become powerful! ♪

3
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Greetings, dear sauna!

4
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I remember when I was little

5
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then children weren't taken
to a hairdresser.

6
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Instead some lady
just took out the scissors.

7
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I remember how this scissor-lady
wondered and sighed:

8
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"How will you, a poor girl,
manage growing up?

9
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She has no hope as a woman:
twisted teeth, too skinny.

10
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Blue circles under eyes,
hair so thin."

11
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No one told me directly that I'm ugly,
but it was implied.

12
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People were concerned
that you were not up to par.

13
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Exactly!

14
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My sister had long blonde hair
and father loved to say:

15
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"So pretty,
like something handmade."

16
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Everyone admired her.

17
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In my case people just asked
how I'm doing at school

18
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and whether I have good grades.

19
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That's what my relatives
expected from me.

20
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I remember that I went
to my mother to ask,

21
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is it so that I'm not beautiful at all?

22
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Mother must have wanted
to comfort me. She said:

23
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"Well yes, but you are unique!"

24
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I realized that
I'm really not beautiful.

25
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And with such knowledge it wasn't
easy to be in the women's world.

26
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It took me a long time,
before I started to feel beautiful.

27
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I think I was in my forties
when I started to feel beautiful.

28
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I feel that it was
a huge blow for my mother

29
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that she had a daughter...
who is fat.

30
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...who is not suitable
to be a ballerina.

31
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She herself dreamt of becoming
a ballerina.

32
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In relation to that I remember that
the best compliment from my mother,

33
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that me and my sisters have received,

34
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is when she has said:
"Oh, you've become so skinny!"

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This is the best praise.

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When you hear that you feel -
now I'm good!

37
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First memories of my mother are
that she stands in front of a mirror

38
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and observes herself.

39
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She has lifted her clothes,
spins herself,

40
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checks her butt,
cellulite or whatever -

41
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and she's not satisfied with herself.

42
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Her dream was to get breast enhancement,
so that all men would desire her.

43
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The main thing as a woman
was to attract men.

44
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That makes you a valuable woman.

45
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The only good thing about my body was
that I had beautiful breasts

46
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when they began to grow.
Then my mother was happy.

47
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My sister was 5 years older than me.

48
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She developed faster.
She was busty.

49
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I was still waiting
for my breasts to start growing.

50
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I remember riding a bike
with apples under my shirt -

51
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it felt like they were jumping.

52
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Is it steady?
- Yes.

53
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Socks on hands!

54
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Beat the nape of my neck.

55
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Onto the shoulders.

56
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I knew from movies
that your hair might fall out.

57
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But I never thought that
all the body hair would come off.

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I went to the bathroom
and my panties were full of hair.

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Then I remembered
that two weeks have passed

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and my hair should come off.

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I pulled my hair
and it did come off.

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One handful and another...

63
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You just pull and that's it?
- Yes.

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I was sitting in front of the oven,
took them and put them in the oven.

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This diagnosis made me
rethink life a lot.

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I don't think I felt sick
for a second.

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I just thought that I'm very tired.

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I thought I just need a vacation.

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There was just a little dimple here.

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I thought I'll make
a Christmas present to myself

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and went for a medical check-up.

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It turned out...

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that I have breast cancer.

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My first reaction was like -

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probably the fear of death -
everything inside you freezes.

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For about two or three days

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I didn't even go to the toilet.
I didn't eat.

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I was canceling Christmas parties
and other things.

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Then I realized I'm dying
in this fear of death.

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I invited a friend to visit me -

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I'm crying, talking and whining
about death to my friend -

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and then I get a phone call.

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I was invited to a date.

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It was such an absurd situation.
I'm preparing to die here...

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That laughter freed me from the fear.

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I realized that I'm not dead yet -
why am I wailing?

87
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And then I decided to start living.

88
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The first thing I did was reconsider
all my Christmas party invitations.

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I went to all the parties.

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On the next day this man texted
and apologized.

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I probably wasn't the only one
who received those invitations.

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He said he was drunk.

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I called back and said: "I don't know
what these other women think...

94
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but I am grateful to you
for the rest of my life!"

95
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You know such things
happen to people,

96
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:34,240
but you never think
it could happen to you.

97
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I don't have a uterus.

98
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I don't have one of my ovaries;
part of my breast is missing.

99
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Quite a few organs
have been cut out from me.

100
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But when I had this last operation -
then I felt that...

101
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...the soul cannot be cut away.

102
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Wooh! Well done!

103
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Give it once more,
so it breaks off properly.

104
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Smoke sauna is a sacred place
where you cleanse yourself.

105
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When you wash yourself clean -
it is a blessing.

106
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You can wash off all your dirt.

107
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We thanked the person
who heats the sauna.

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Also the person
who brought the water.

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Women gave birth in smoke sauna.

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The smoke sauna was heated,
the mother was placed in a bath tub,

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and when it was time to deliver,
she was taken out of the bath tub.

112
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Then childbirth was easy
and not so painful.

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When a son was born,
he was the new master of the house.

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But when a daughter was born - oh...

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The daughter is...

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No one said they wanted a daughter -
a son was wanted more.

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The sons worked,

118
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but daughters had to be given away
with a dowry in marriage.

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My relatives have now left me
in peace with this subject,

120
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,119
but for a while I thought
I'll just make someone up.

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Just to get this topic off the agenda.

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I actually have very nice relatives...
but yes - that opened my eyes.

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I thought the problem was
that no one wanted me.

124
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And they thought, that I don't want
anyone and the choice is so huge.

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You start looking at it differently.

126
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Whether there are many fish
or less fish in the sea,

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is actually all in your head.

128
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Exactly.

129
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I'm not sure if this pressure comes
more from the society or from myself.

130
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It was also very important to me
to have some kind of companion.

131
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Although, most of the time
I didn't have one.

132
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Then again - I've been married
and there has been this and that.

133
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But...

134
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I was somewhere over 30

135
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when I accepted that it's OK
to be alone as well.

136
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And when I then went
to some family events -

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funerals or things like that -

138
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then all the time the tension
just grew and grew,

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because I realized I'm already 34-35.

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My parents are not
even asking anymore -

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they have lost all hope.

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They probably want grandchildren,
but there are none -

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and then all the time this pressure
grows and grows.

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I remember one especially
funny moment from a funeral.

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During this period I had a partner.

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He wasn't with me at the funeral,
but at least I could say,

147
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that I have a man
with a 12-year-old child.

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And then one of my
female relatives said:

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"At least it's something!"

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...lukewarm water.

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You can drink it too, right?

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Yes.

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I went to a wedding recently
and such a joke developed there:

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to the woman
who catches the bridal bouquet,

155
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all the male guests
will have to send their dick-pics.

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From those pictures she can choose?

157
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I don't remember how we got there.

158
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Do you know what just happened?

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I thought dick-pic was some new app.

160
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I didn't understand right away.

161
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I have never received
any dick pictures.

162
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How exactly does it work?

163
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What exactly are they photographing?

164
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My friend has had it
and it's pretty awful.

165
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This is some Tinder thing.

166
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A guy starts to talk to you

167
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and then all of a sudden
a dick-pic arrives!

168
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It's a real shock!

169
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,759
I wouldn't imagine
that I'm on Tinder,

170
00:21:43,839 --> 00:21:46,720
and then suddenly
I'll send a pussy picture.

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It's so funny.
I can't imagine it either.

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I had a partner
who in the middle of sex

173
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decided to come up
with an 'interesting' role play.

174
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Before entering me,

175
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he said: "Ask for it!"

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Like - "Beg for it!"

177
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And then I had to say this -

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there must have been a word
I don't remember any more -

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but basically I had to ask:
"May I have the penis, please?"

180
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And I asked it once but...

181
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My mind went blank!

182
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:35,359
So I said:
"May I have the penis, please!"

183
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,880
And then he said: "No, ask nicely!"

184
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This desire to be wanted and to hear,

185
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that she wants me so bad
she begs for it.

186
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,319
What did he mean nicely?
- The influence of porn movies?

187
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Probably. But I guess I asked
in a softer voice then.

188
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"May I have the penis, please?"

189
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It was so surreal.

190
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I couldn't even get angry,

191
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because for me it was like...
greetings from the outer space.

192
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I had never encountered
such a thing before.

193
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Have you told your mother?

194
00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:29,480
Does she know?

195
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,119
And father?

196
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,480
They found out this year.
Actually last year.

197
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Directly from me.

198
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,480
Maybe they guessed,
but probably not.

199
00:27:42,519 --> 00:27:44,079
Oh, God! When was it?

200
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,880
2009 - almost ten years ago.

201
00:27:47,279 --> 00:27:50,839
I went to a three day swimming camp.

202
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:55,599
I stayed at a friend's place.
She was a very close friend of mine.

203
00:27:56,159 --> 00:27:59,479
I remember -
I sat there on the couch...

204
00:27:59,559 --> 00:28:02,559
...two more girls sat on another couch.

205
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:06,039
And out of nowhere comes
this feeling...

206
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,359
The biggest storm you have ever felt,
just drops on you!

207
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,119
And I feel a feeling
that I have never felt before!

208
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:16,039
A hundred times more powerful than
anything I thought I could ever feel.

209
00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:18,640
I know precisely that it is
towards that person.

210
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:23,319
And I know that it's something
which means love - and it shocked me.

211
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,519
I could not say a word
that evening anymore.

212
00:28:25,599 --> 00:28:27,719
I did not tell anyone;
did not share it with anyone.

213
00:28:27,799 --> 00:28:30,079
And then I was like:
"Really?! Do I like women now?

214
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,440
Are you kidding me? Can life get
any worse than it already is?"

215
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:39,959
At least I now understood
why I didn't match with any man.

216
00:28:40,039 --> 00:28:42,559
I knew I had to end
my current relationship!

217
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:47,279
It took me three weeks
to end the relationship with this man.

218
00:28:48,039 --> 00:28:51,799
It was really difficult to tell him -
my partner at that time.

219
00:28:52,319 --> 00:28:55,440
I did not know how to talk about
such things at that time.

220
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,480
I kind of made up a reason...

221
00:28:58,599 --> 00:29:00,519
"Hey, you are a bit
too feminine for me!

222
00:29:00,599 --> 00:29:02,160
It doesn't really work for me!"

223
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Something completely nonsensical.

224
00:29:04,559 --> 00:29:08,599
I imagine it must have left
a big scar on him.

225
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:12,240
It was not nice, but I didn't know
how to say it in any other way.

226
00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:15,920
Then I started the journey
to accept myself.

227
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Started to discover,
whether it is really true.

228
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,519
That was a very complex process...

229
00:29:21,599 --> 00:29:23,920
Because the person towards whom
I had those feelings...

230
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,960
I told her that I have such feelings,

231
00:29:26,079 --> 00:29:27,920
but I'm not expecting
anything from you.

232
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,839
I definitely don't want
anything from you.

233
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:32,759
But I felt that
we can't continue talking

234
00:29:32,839 --> 00:29:34,999
before I get this out of myself.

235
00:29:35,079 --> 00:29:36,920
If cards are not open?
- Yes.

236
00:29:37,039 --> 00:29:41,079
And there was total abandonment.

237
00:29:41,719 --> 00:29:44,999
She said I was the filthiest person
she had ever met.

238
00:29:45,079 --> 00:29:47,480
And that hurt.
That really hurt me.

239
00:29:47,599 --> 00:29:51,480
Something that is so natural to me,
that I'm still learning about myself...

240
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:54,000
And someone says that I'm filthy.

241
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,920
It was painful and it was a process -

242
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quite a lengthy process.

243
00:30:00,879 --> 00:30:04,719
Last year I went
to my parents house and thought:

244
00:30:04,799 --> 00:30:06,279
"Dammit! I will tell them!"

245
00:30:06,359 --> 00:30:09,079
But it was somehow uncomfortable,
I didn't want to do it.

246
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:10,920
But then my partner

247
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,080
for some reason had brought
flowers to the front door at night!

248
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:16,799
Like a big bouquet of flowers.

249
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,680
I wake up in the morning and hear,
"Elsa, you've got flowers!"

250
00:30:19,799 --> 00:30:24,480
Flowers? Are you kidding me?
I knew from whom they were.

251
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:29,720
Dad asks: "Oh! You have a boyfriend?!"
"Who sent you flowers?"

252
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,279
I was like,
"OK, I've been given the chance..."

253
00:30:34,679 --> 00:30:37,439
I felt so uncomfortable there
in the kitchen and I just said:

254
00:30:37,519 --> 00:30:40,199
"Yeah, well, very nice flowers..."

255
00:30:40,279 --> 00:30:42,999
I went to the second floor
for a moment,

256
00:30:43,079 --> 00:30:45,799
and thought why am I not
taking this opportunity?

257
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,079
Went back downstairs and said:
"Dad, you asked who sent the flowers?"

258
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,799
"Yes, so I asked."

259
00:30:50,919 --> 00:30:55,679
I said: "Well, I got them
from my partner - she's a woman."

260
00:30:55,759 --> 00:30:58,959
I don't remember how exactly,
but I said we're in a relationship.

261
00:30:59,039 --> 00:31:01,319
Dad turns away from the TV
and looks at me.

262
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:03,680
"What?! Are you a lesbian?!"

263
00:31:03,799 --> 00:31:08,720
I answered, "Yeah, I don't know.
I guess that's how they call us."

264
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:12,959
He said, "Ah", turned back to the TV
and didn't say anything more.

265
00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:15,679
And then mom sits on the sofa
and knowingly says:

266
00:31:15,759 --> 00:31:17,880
"A human is a human!"

267
00:31:18,759 --> 00:31:20,319
And that was it.

268
00:31:21,359 --> 00:31:24,359
And this topic has not been
discussed further in our family.

269
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,880
Don't you want to wet your hair?

270
00:32:17,519 --> 00:32:21,839
Only the closest people knew
how my mother really was.

271
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:25,119
Others kept repeating
how good a person she is.

272
00:32:26,399 --> 00:32:30,239
I listened to how she closed the door,
to guess what mood she's in.

273
00:32:30,319 --> 00:32:33,679
And often she was in mood
or was just tired.

274
00:32:33,759 --> 00:32:35,439
She had three children.

275
00:32:35,519 --> 00:32:40,240
The Soviet Union collapse...
Coupon times...

276
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,319
As she closes the door,
what kind of steps are approaching?

277
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,119
"The dishes are unwashed again!
What are you doing here?"

278
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,160
It was so scary.

279
00:32:49,599 --> 00:32:53,759
Another time she came home

280
00:32:54,039 --> 00:32:57,559
and had planned to go
to pick blueberries.

281
00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:00,079
But me and my sister were both tired.

282
00:33:00,359 --> 00:33:03,640
I said: "I don't want to go
to pick blueberries today."

283
00:33:03,759 --> 00:33:08,440
In anger she threw
buckets all over the yard.

284
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:12,039
"Nothing is done here,
everything is like..."

285
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:18,559
At one point I remember,
I started to walk out of the gate...

286
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:24,039
...and she ran after me with a scythe,
trying to cut me with it.

287
00:33:24,119 --> 00:33:28,480
I ran for my life as she chased me
with the scythe.

288
00:33:29,000 --> 00:33:33,920
Had I stopped,
she would have simply cut my legs off.

289
00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:44,319
You asked me whether I wanted
my mother to be still alive.

290
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,640
When she died,
just like in her lifetime,

291
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,240
I had conflicting feelings.

292
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:51,160
I wished her dead
while she was alive.

293
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:54,479
From time to time, I even had thoughts
that I was going to kill her,

294
00:33:54,559 --> 00:33:58,039
and sometimes I was afraid
she would come and kill me.

295
00:33:58,799 --> 00:34:03,319
It was scary.
It was so scary.

296
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,960
And yet she loved us very much,
she loved me very much.

297
00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:11,440
What did it look like?

298
00:34:17,079 --> 00:34:19,280
Love, yes, I...

299
00:34:19,519 --> 00:34:23,360
I felt like she was caring for us
as best she could.

300
00:34:23,599 --> 00:34:25,280
That she was scared all the time,

301
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:28,440
her heart trembled for us -
is everything okay with us?

302
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:32,159
She had to check all the time
to make sure we were alright.

303
00:34:33,159 --> 00:34:35,159
That we have everything.

304
00:34:35,439 --> 00:34:38,479
That we do things,
as she understands them to be right,

305
00:34:38,559 --> 00:34:40,800
because then
everything is alright with us.

306
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:45,199
This was an expression of her care,
she did not know any other way.

307
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:47,440
Only through total control.

308
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:50,639
There was no such word
like love in our family.

309
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:52,679
If you said that then
father asks immediately:

310
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:56,280
“What is that?”
He just asked it again this year.

311
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,280
I answered that
it's an interesting animal.

312
00:35:00,159 --> 00:35:02,239
Is it some kind of food?

313
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:07,760
Estonians don't really want
to talk about it.

314
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,039
Yes.

315
00:35:11,079 --> 00:35:13,920
What about hugging, fondling,
being cuddled?

316
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:15,840
No, never, never.

317
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,719
Once I was away
from home for almost five years.

318
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:24,079
My return home was a surprise.
They didn't know about it.

319
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:29,760
Mother was at home when I arrived
on a bicycle. Dad was not.

320
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:33,760
I entered through the hallway
and peeked into the kitchen.

321
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,760
Mom looks at me and says:
"Oh, you're home."

322
00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:40,079
And that was it - no hugging,
no cooking, nothing.

323
00:35:40,279 --> 00:35:42,999
And no one asked, how was your trip?

324
00:35:43,079 --> 00:35:45,439
Where did you go, what did you do?
- How are you?

325
00:35:45,519 --> 00:35:47,880
How do you feel?
Who are your friends?

326
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:49,840
Oh, you found the time to come.

327
00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:53,479
Exactly that "oh, you found the time."

328
00:35:53,559 --> 00:35:56,519
Yes, the first phrase is already...

329
00:35:56,639 --> 00:35:59,360
One hour later father comes home

330
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,999
and turns to me with the same
"Oh, you're home!"

331
00:36:02,079 --> 00:36:05,639
I asked if they had an agreement
to greet me with the same sentence?

332
00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:08,400
Then luckily my brother came
and he asked many questions.

333
00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,639
I saw how my mother
listened very intently.

334
00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,199
My brother also told me
that she actually has read

335
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,079
all the possible things
about my trip.

336
00:36:15,159 --> 00:36:18,479
But she doesn't want to show me
that she knows, that she's interested.

337
00:36:18,559 --> 00:36:20,479
And then I was like wow -
this is so sad.

338
00:36:20,559 --> 00:36:22,999
Because caring must not be shown.
It is a weakness.

339
00:36:23,079 --> 00:36:24,079
Yes.

340
00:36:37,679 --> 00:36:40,119
You've always had the courage
to run away.

341
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:42,840
You have had the courage
to do something else.

342
00:36:44,159 --> 00:36:47,760
This is something I admire so much

343
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,320
and what I have never dared to do.

344
00:37:13,079 --> 00:37:15,039
There was hugging, yes,

345
00:37:15,159 --> 00:37:18,039
putting hands around the neck
and kissing too.

346
00:37:18,119 --> 00:37:20,639
Nothing but a kiss was allowed.

347
00:37:22,599 --> 00:37:24,239
Mother explained:

348
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:28,159
"You can sleep with a boy
but you can't give yourself to him!"

349
00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:32,519
"Don't let the boy touch you
where he doesn't need to!"

350
00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:38,719
If at that time a girl had a child,
it was a great shame.

351
00:40:07,679 --> 00:40:09,679
In a way

352
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:17,239
the Earth's ability
to produce food is a resource.

353
00:40:17,480 --> 00:40:21,280
The female body
is also seen as a resource.

354
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:27,079
Women's ability to give birth
has been seen as a resource.

355
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:35,239
Do you think men should have any say
on the decision of give birth or not?

356
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:39,760
This decision should be
only up to the women.

357
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:45,599
What women want to do with their body
should only be up to them.

358
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,559
There should be no say from anybody

359
00:40:48,639 --> 00:40:54,039
whether you should have more
or any children.

360
00:40:54,599 --> 00:40:58,239
Have you ever had an abortion?
- Yes, once.

361
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:04,079
How old were you?
- In my early twenties.

362
00:41:06,119 --> 00:41:08,599
I have also had an abortion.

363
00:41:31,039 --> 00:41:33,039
With me it was like this.

364
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,400
I really loved one boy.

365
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:40,239
And then I got pregnant.

366
00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:44,880
I was so happy when
I found out I was pregnant.

367
00:41:45,039 --> 00:41:47,639
I invited this boy to visit me.

368
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:52,480
I thought this was such good news -

369
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:55,800
and then I told him.

370
00:41:57,559 --> 00:42:01,480
He got silent
and after a while he said...

371
00:42:01,599 --> 00:42:04,119
he has to go drinking
with his friends now.

372
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,519
And that...

373
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:17,000
...that he doesn't want this baby.

374
00:42:19,159 --> 00:42:23,679
If I give birth,
I have to deal with everything myself.

375
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,119
He doesn't want to see
this child at all.

376
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:32,039
And I felt like everything
broke inside me.

377
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:37,280
And then I was too scared
to give birth.

378
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:41,800
I found out there was
some kind of abortion pill.

379
00:42:42,639 --> 00:42:44,400
It was in Finland then.

380
00:42:44,639 --> 00:42:49,639
In Estonia, some kind of old-school
abortion was performed,

381
00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:54,079
where you could become infertile.
I was afraid of it.

382
00:42:55,039 --> 00:42:59,039
And then I told my boyfriend

383
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:01,880
to at least pay for the abortion.

384
00:43:06,519 --> 00:43:13,360
A lump came out
in some toilet in Helsinki.

385
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,639
A man can give you money,
but you have to go through it.

386
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:24,400
And you sit in a toilet
or at the doctor's office still alone.

387
00:43:24,850 --> 00:43:27,880
I think many men don't know that
their wives have had an abortion.

388
00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:29,840
For sure...

389
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:33,679
My mother has had, for example...

390
00:43:35,079 --> 00:43:37,159
several abortions...

391
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,719
But she's still ashamed,
she doesn't dare to say it.

392
00:43:40,880 --> 00:43:42,960
I am also ashamed.

393
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:22,000
♪ Oh you dear cheater-groom! ♪

394
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:30,159
♪ You deceived the mother
and father-in-law! ♪

395
00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:38,159
♪ You deceived their young daughter! ♪

396
00:44:38,559 --> 00:44:46,239
♪ You promised to carry her
in a carriage! ♪

397
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:54,920
♪ You promised to swing her
in the cradle! ♪

398
00:45:06,039 --> 00:45:11,639
I have been thinking about
the choices we have as women.

399
00:45:12,199 --> 00:45:15,999
My grandmother never said it herself,

400
00:45:16,079 --> 00:45:19,480
but I heard about it later.

401
00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:27,599
She was so badly beaten
by her husband.

402
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:33,679
By my grandfather, whom I have
never met because he died earlier.

403
00:45:35,039 --> 00:45:42,840
He used to beat her
by banging her head against the floor.

404
00:45:43,559 --> 00:45:48,480
Once her ribs were broken
and she was taken to the hospital.

405
00:45:48,599 --> 00:45:50,960
And her mental health...

406
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:56,840
All the huge post-war famine...

407
00:45:57,119 --> 00:46:00,440
Those late 1940s, 1950s...

408
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:05,920
Collective farms...
All these conditions...

409
00:46:07,800 --> 00:46:10,559
So what are your options?

410
00:46:11,199 --> 00:46:16,039
Even when grandfather
took another woman

411
00:46:16,119 --> 00:46:18,760
to live with them
in the same house,

412
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:22,559
even then grandmother still...

413
00:46:23,039 --> 00:46:27,519
She remained single
after he was already dead.

414
00:46:27,679 --> 00:46:32,679
She still visited his grave
from time to time and...

415
00:46:39,519 --> 00:46:42,960
As my grand-aunt said that...

416
00:46:43,320 --> 00:46:47,119
grandmother was crazy about this man.

417
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:51,679
Everyone warned her about him -

418
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:55,800
he was a womanizer and a drunkard.

419
00:46:56,360 --> 00:47:00,239
But yes - it's interesting...

420
00:47:01,199 --> 00:47:05,760
Grandmother had made her choice
in favor of this man.

421
00:47:06,639 --> 00:47:09,239
And it was such a final choice.

422
00:47:11,599 --> 00:47:17,440
You can be beaten
or even beaten to death.

423
00:49:42,960 --> 00:49:47,800
Hair gets too hot otherwise.
You can hear them crackling.

424
00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:50,519
Thank you.

425
00:50:25,639 --> 00:50:27,800
You were sleeping.

426
00:50:28,159 --> 00:50:32,000
There were many blankets
and the abundance of bedding...

427
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:34,360
And...

428
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:37,440
Lord, how beautiful you were.

429
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:43,639
I hoped you'll stay asleep.

430
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:47,920
I brought paper and a pen
and I drew you.

431
00:50:49,199 --> 00:50:54,719
You slept like that,
hand under your chin.

432
00:50:58,159 --> 00:50:59,960
I drew you.

433
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:07,039
And now I've discovered

434
00:51:07,119 --> 00:51:09,880
that it is the most comfortable
position for sleeping.

435
00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:12,280
I even roll the blanket here.

436
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,119
If I have exactly 15 minutes
to sleep during a day,

437
00:51:15,199 --> 00:51:20,719
then this is the position where I can
really fall asleep immediately.

438
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:24,920
And when I gave you that picture,
even then I was afraid that...

439
00:51:27,320 --> 00:51:31,880
How do you like it
or do you consider it important?

440
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:41,880
I don't really remember how it...

441
00:51:42,639 --> 00:51:44,800
how did it all happen like this...

442
00:51:45,719 --> 00:51:47,920
probably quite tipsy.

443
00:51:48,639 --> 00:51:51,239
But I remember kissing you

444
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,840
or you kissed me
or we kissed each other.

445
00:51:57,679 --> 00:51:59,599
But how did it happen?

446
00:52:10,199 --> 00:52:14,559
By the way, I also don't remember
how it first happened.

447
00:52:16,119 --> 00:52:19,519
Maybe we were tipsy.

448
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:29,079
It seemed to me that...

449
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:39,360
That okay, that in fact
you like men, and...

450
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:48,000
And I was so afraid of getting hurt.

451
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:53,920
That it turns out to be just a game...

452
00:52:54,559 --> 00:52:55,920
...for you.

453
00:52:59,719 --> 00:53:03,880
And I didn't have any...
it was definitely not a game.

454
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:08,999
But I didn't understand whether it was
anything more than trying it out.

455
00:53:09,079 --> 00:53:13,679
I actually still do not really know...

456
00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:19,679
We have those concepts
so strongly in front of us,

457
00:53:19,840 --> 00:53:25,519
that who should offer you intimacy
and who is the one you should miss.

458
00:53:26,079 --> 00:53:28,800
We all long for intimacy,

459
00:53:29,199 --> 00:53:32,000
but do we dare to let in that

460
00:53:32,199 --> 00:53:34,199
what seems, well, unusual?

461
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:38,480
Do we recognize in that moment
what we want?

462
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:44,760
Do you mean
that you had this strong concept,

463
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:48,000
that only a man and a woman
should be together?

464
00:53:48,199 --> 00:53:50,439
Yes, and I don't know
if I still have it.

465
00:53:50,519 --> 00:53:52,199
I don't know...

466
00:53:53,800 --> 00:53:57,639
Well, I don't feel a huge urge
to experiment

467
00:53:57,760 --> 00:54:01,199
but I do know,
that I have seen you in my dreams.

468
00:55:28,480 --> 00:55:30,800
Breaking up was a very big sin.

469
00:55:31,519 --> 00:55:35,599
I don't know anyone
who would have divorced around here,

470
00:55:36,119 --> 00:55:37,840
never even heard of it.

471
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:43,559
Those who got married,
even if there were difficulties...

472
00:55:44,039 --> 00:55:48,679
Quarreled and fought
till they finally reconciled.

473
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:51,519
And they lived together until death.

474
00:55:53,719 --> 00:55:55,920
My neighbour over the hill,

475
00:55:56,039 --> 00:55:58,280
his wife died and he asked me,

476
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:01,800
"Dear Mari, will you come to wash her?

477
00:56:01,880 --> 00:56:05,360
I already heated the sauna
to warm the water."

478
00:56:05,639 --> 00:56:09,239
Who washes the dead with warm water?
I have never heard of it before!

479
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:11,760
But he had never dealt
with the dead before,

480
00:56:11,840 --> 00:56:14,840
he thought the wife should be washed
with warm water.

481
00:56:15,920 --> 00:56:18,440
I've washed so many dead people.

482
00:56:18,719 --> 00:56:21,000
I guess I have, I don't know...

483
00:56:21,679 --> 00:56:25,280
Those are called to wash the dead...

484
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:28,440
who are brave and not afraid.
But some fear the dead

485
00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:30,960
and they don't want to touch the dead.

486
00:56:32,039 --> 00:56:35,639
Forty days the soul of the dead
is at home.

487
00:56:36,519 --> 00:56:38,480
And sees everything.

488
00:56:39,159 --> 00:56:43,239
Forty days were about to pass
after my husband's death.

489
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:47,280
Forty days was over
and it was evening.

490
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:50,079
While I was sleeping in bed,
I opened my eyes

491
00:56:50,199 --> 00:56:52,679
and my husband
was standing next to me

492
00:56:52,840 --> 00:56:58,199
wearing the same clothes
in which he was buried.

493
00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:03,360
He looked at me and I was so happy -
a smile came on my face.

494
00:57:03,480 --> 00:57:05,599
"Well, aren't you dead?"
I asked...

495
00:57:05,960 --> 00:57:08,719
As I looked he disappeared.

496
00:57:35,199 --> 00:57:37,679
Feel it. Is it suitable?

497
00:57:39,639 --> 00:57:41,400
Yes, it is.

498
00:57:43,480 --> 00:57:46,000
Dear spirits, now its your turn...

499
00:57:46,159 --> 00:57:48,119
...come wash yourselves.

500
00:57:55,519 --> 00:57:58,119
If you do a spirits sauna...

501
00:57:58,440 --> 00:58:00,880
I don't dare to call my mother.

502
00:58:01,760 --> 00:58:05,519
Because I feel
she might get upset with me.

503
00:58:12,119 --> 00:58:15,880
I have had close experience
with death in my life.

504
00:58:16,239 --> 00:58:20,800
I have my own relationship with death.

505
00:58:24,679 --> 00:58:27,519
I was 39 years old
when I became pregnant.

506
00:58:27,639 --> 00:58:29,800
It was the second time in my life.

507
00:58:31,719 --> 00:58:34,880
My first child was already big.

508
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:37,880
There was a new love in my life.

509
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:41,679
We were both very much
looking forward to this baby.

510
00:58:44,119 --> 00:58:48,480
There were a few days left
until the due date.

511
00:58:48,719 --> 00:58:52,119
When I went to bed at night
I remember the feeling -

512
00:58:52,239 --> 00:58:55,400
strange, she hasn't
moved for a long time.

513
00:58:55,559 --> 00:58:59,000
But I thought it's okay,
she's just sleeping.

514
00:58:59,280 --> 00:59:06,360
I thought let's go to the hospital
and check just to calm our hearts.

515
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:11,280
And then there is this moment
when the woman...

516
00:59:12,920 --> 00:59:16,079
...who is on your belly
with the device says nothing.

517
00:59:16,159 --> 00:59:18,920
But you look at her and you know...

518
00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:30,479
When the baby is dead inside you,
then childbirth must be induced.

519
00:59:30,559 --> 00:59:34,679
It's clear that this child
won't come out on her own anymore.

520
00:59:36,880 --> 00:59:39,639
This induction process
takes quite a long time -

521
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:42,480
at least in my case
it lasted quite a long time.

522
00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:45,559
All night and all day.

523
00:59:47,039 --> 00:59:50,079
I remember at some point
when that pain came

524
00:59:50,199 --> 00:59:52,320
then I just screamed.

525
00:59:55,639 --> 00:59:58,960
When my first child was born,
then I didn't make a sound.

526
00:59:59,079 --> 01:00:03,400
It seemed weird somehow
or I just couldn't do it.

527
01:00:04,599 --> 01:00:08,159
Now it was like
the only thing I could do.

528
01:00:10,880 --> 01:00:13,039
In the end,
childbirth is like childbirth.

529
01:00:13,119 --> 01:00:16,480
Every woman who has given birth
knows this feeling

530
01:00:16,599 --> 01:00:19,840
that at some point
you're somewhere in the zone.

531
01:00:20,159 --> 01:00:23,400
And in that sense
it doesn't really matter

532
01:00:23,480 --> 01:00:27,960
whether you're giving birth
to a living or a lifeless child.

533
01:00:28,079 --> 01:00:32,760
This zone is still the same,
when childbirth begins to approach

534
01:00:32,840 --> 01:00:35,519
or the child begins to come out.

535
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:40,000
At one point the pain is simply over.

536
01:00:44,199 --> 01:00:48,559
Then I remember
when that baby was put on my lap.

537
01:00:49,280 --> 01:00:54,719
This baby was very beautiful -
she was still warm.

538
01:00:55,880 --> 01:00:57,880
And then slowly...

539
01:00:58,960 --> 01:01:01,679
She started to get colder...

540
01:01:02,239 --> 01:01:04,000
and colder.

541
01:01:06,239 --> 01:01:08,440
Doctors say that...

542
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:13,320
...if your baby has died in the womb,
it's best to give birth to it yourself

543
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:18,119
and not to have a C-section.
Many women argue against it -

544
01:01:18,559 --> 01:01:22,320
that it's hard enough,
why do you still have to give birth?

545
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:27,719
I'm actually glad I gave birth,

546
01:01:27,840 --> 01:01:31,760
because the pain
that you feel during the birth

547
01:01:31,840 --> 01:01:36,000
will finally begin to work for you.

548
01:01:36,519 --> 01:01:38,480
So when it's all over,

549
01:01:38,639 --> 01:01:44,480
some part of this pain
is already burnt or dissolved.

550
01:02:03,480 --> 01:02:09,840
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...

551
01:02:11,719 --> 01:02:19,679
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...

552
01:02:54,239 --> 01:03:02,239
What has to go, should go...

553
01:03:57,559 --> 01:04:04,760
Out! Off-off, get out now!

554
01:04:06,920 --> 01:04:09,679
Clean the child!

555
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:13,199
So be it...

556
01:04:14,760 --> 01:04:21,599
Water, take the pain away…

557
01:04:35,079 --> 01:04:42,400
Water, take the pain away…

558
01:06:54,239 --> 01:06:55,880
Now it's called a period,

559
01:06:55,960 --> 01:06:59,199
when I was a child
it was called 'your illness'.

560
01:06:59,480 --> 01:07:02,079
I had my first period, and then I...

561
01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:08,920
My mother was so silly that
she didn't explain about the illness..

562
01:07:09,159 --> 01:07:12,800
I saw something start
to flow out of me

563
01:07:13,039 --> 01:07:17,679
and I went behind the door
and began to weep,

564
01:07:17,800 --> 01:07:22,119
that now I run out of blood
and that's it.

565
01:07:22,239 --> 01:07:26,039
I guess I didn't even have
any panties on then.

566
01:07:26,639 --> 01:07:28,920
I cried there and mother asked:

567
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:32,320
"Why are you crying, baby,
here at the door?"

568
01:07:32,920 --> 01:07:36,559
Mother saw what was wrong
and said: "Oh!"

569
01:07:37,000 --> 01:07:41,159
"Dear child, it's nothing wrong,
you're becoming a woman now!"

570
01:07:41,880 --> 01:07:44,280
"Now that your sickness has started!"

571
01:07:44,360 --> 01:07:46,679
Then you become a woman,

572
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,280
until your illness you were a child.

573
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:25,600
How were you told?
Were you told...

574
01:08:25,680 --> 01:08:28,680
My grandmother always said to me
to go wash my wee-wee.

575
01:08:28,880 --> 01:08:33,279
And it was so absolutely embarrassing.

576
01:08:33,439 --> 01:08:38,319
Sometimes she said it in front of
my grandfather and it was so awful.

577
01:08:38,399 --> 01:08:41,760
I was a little girl,
but somehow I was so embarrassed.

578
01:08:41,880 --> 01:08:45,960
Where does such
embarrassment come from?

579
01:08:46,040 --> 01:08:47,920
Do you remember?
- I do.

580
01:08:48,000 --> 01:08:50,359
Was it so?
- I was also embarrassed about it.

581
01:08:50,479 --> 01:08:53,680
But what do you tell your daughters?
- Fluffy.

582
01:08:53,840 --> 01:08:55,720
Fluffy?
- Yes.

583
01:08:58,359 --> 01:09:02,479
I think it's pussy. I say pussy.

584
01:09:02,880 --> 01:09:04,439
I also say pussy.

585
01:09:05,039 --> 01:09:08,840
Pussy... I can't say wee-wee,
because with this I have...

586
01:09:09,840 --> 01:09:12,190
Completely...
- But this - wash your underparts?

587
01:09:12,800 --> 01:09:15,760
It was awful! I hate it!

588
01:09:15,840 --> 01:09:20,119
Exactly! That was so horrible!

589
01:09:20,439 --> 01:09:24,079
Yeah, wash your underparts.
My underparts are all clean!

590
01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:29,039
And you have to report
to your grandmother or mother.

591
01:09:29,239 --> 01:09:32,199
I remember, for example -
I had a grandmother

592
01:09:32,279 --> 01:09:35,880
and her ideal was a pure woman -
a woman must be pure.

593
01:09:35,960 --> 01:09:39,840
I remember, I was 4 or 5 years old,
she took me outside

594
01:09:39,920 --> 01:09:43,880
and we started talking,
that it is very important

595
01:09:44,359 --> 01:09:47,239
that a woman does not have
loose pants.

596
01:09:47,359 --> 01:09:52,600
And then I thought,
what if I'm wearing a dress?

597
01:09:55,399 --> 01:09:59,399
I didn't understand what that meant.

598
01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:03,680
Okay, why not?
Loose - so your pants fall off?

599
01:10:03,760 --> 01:10:05,880
Yes, they fall off.

600
01:10:07,079 --> 01:10:11,199
Well and then you may...
that you have to keep it.

601
01:10:11,319 --> 01:10:14,600
What do I have to keep?
You have to keep your purity.

602
01:10:14,880 --> 01:10:17,560
What do you mean, purity?
Like I'm washing myself?

603
01:10:17,720 --> 01:10:21,399
Then she said that virginity
is a woman's most important asset,

604
01:10:21,479 --> 01:10:23,399
it must be kept very carefully.

605
01:10:23,920 --> 01:10:27,319
And I imagined,
after all, every girl imagines it,

606
01:10:27,399 --> 01:10:30,119
what is it like - the first time?

607
01:10:30,199 --> 01:10:33,399
That there's a boy,
who loves me very much.

608
01:10:33,600 --> 01:10:38,039
And then it happened, that instead
some disgusting old man raped me.

609
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:41,479
How did you get to this old man?

610
01:10:45,399 --> 01:10:49,399
When I was 16 or 17,

611
01:10:50,439 --> 01:10:53,439
anyway, I was hitchhiking,

612
01:10:53,920 --> 01:10:56,640
and then...

613
01:10:59,359 --> 01:11:05,479
Then I was picked up by an old man
and he seemed very friendly.

614
01:11:05,600 --> 01:11:10,399
He was joking
and the radio was playing.

615
01:11:10,520 --> 01:11:13,199
There was a song about roses
by Mati Nuude.

616
01:11:13,319 --> 01:11:16,359
I even started singing along.

617
01:11:16,720 --> 01:11:18,760
So yeah, very nice.

618
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:22,159
And then he said:
"Oh, I need to get some gas."

619
01:11:22,239 --> 01:11:25,720
"I'll take you further,
but I need to get gas."

620
01:11:26,239 --> 01:11:29,760
And then he turned
towards some village.

621
01:11:29,840 --> 01:11:31,680
And I thought - okay.

622
01:11:32,640 --> 01:11:37,199
Then he drove and at one point,
when he turned away,

623
01:11:37,319 --> 01:11:43,119
I suddenly had this feeling
in my stomach, that oh crap.

624
01:11:44,760 --> 01:11:48,520
And then he turned to a forest road.

625
01:11:48,760 --> 01:11:52,520
Then I realized I was in deep shit.
This is not a gas station.

626
01:11:52,640 --> 01:11:56,840
Thoughts started to rush like crazy,
what am I going to do now...

627
01:11:58,039 --> 01:12:03,720
Then he stopped at some house
and went out.

628
01:12:05,039 --> 01:12:08,999
I wanted to go out the door
and I realized,

629
01:12:09,079 --> 01:12:12,279
that there in the back where I sat,
these doors do not open.

630
01:12:12,399 --> 01:12:15,039
That they are made so
that I can't get out.

631
01:12:16,079 --> 01:12:20,159
And then I hear the barking of dogs.

632
01:12:20,640 --> 01:12:24,720
There were 3 or 4 large dogs
around the car,

633
01:12:24,800 --> 01:12:26,840
and I was terribly afraid of dogs.

634
01:12:27,039 --> 01:12:31,119
The dogs were growling around the car
and I thought oh shit!

635
01:12:31,199 --> 01:12:35,479
I can't drive,
my mind was working like crazy.

636
01:12:35,880 --> 01:12:38,720
Dogs are all around, what can I do?

637
01:12:38,840 --> 01:12:41,159
This is not real,
it's not happening to me.

638
01:12:41,239 --> 01:12:44,079
This happens in the movies,
it doesn't happen to me.

639
01:12:44,720 --> 01:12:49,159
The man went to that house
and then he comes out and I'm thinking,

640
01:12:49,279 --> 01:12:53,399
maybe he's coming back behind the wheel
and we just drive on.

641
01:12:53,479 --> 01:12:58,399
But no, this guy is already
approaching my door,

642
01:12:58,479 --> 01:13:02,479
and he opens that door
and he has a knife in his hand.

643
01:13:03,239 --> 01:13:11,119
I started telling him
that my father is a tough cop

644
01:13:11,239 --> 01:13:18,560
and that I should call him,
because he worries.

645
01:13:18,720 --> 01:13:23,720
And the man says:
"No he's not, hush little birdie!"

646
01:13:24,720 --> 01:13:27,399
And then I like...

647
01:13:28,359 --> 01:13:31,159
I try to push him away.

648
01:13:31,319 --> 01:13:33,920
This guy now gets my precious asset!

649
01:13:35,119 --> 01:13:36,560
And then...

650
01:13:37,279 --> 01:13:40,039
Then I thought,
it really doesn't matter,

651
01:13:40,119 --> 01:13:43,640
I want to survive, I want to live.

652
01:13:44,040 --> 01:13:46,319
I have something to say
and give to the world,

653
01:13:46,439 --> 01:13:50,239
I don't care about this precious asset.

654
01:13:53,840 --> 01:13:58,439
Then I looked out the car window,
I looked at those trees and the forest.

655
01:14:00,119 --> 01:14:03,920
And then I just spoke to God,

656
01:14:04,520 --> 01:14:07,880
that please, I want to survive.

657
01:14:07,960 --> 01:14:12,359
That sorry God, I don't care
about this precious asset of a woman.

658
01:14:12,479 --> 01:14:15,479
Because I just want to survive.

659
01:14:18,079 --> 01:14:23,359
Then I just prayed and at one point
I was no longer fighting back.

660
01:14:23,479 --> 01:14:26,520
I thought I don't care,
he has a knife and I don't want to...

661
01:14:26,600 --> 01:14:29,520
Then I thought
that if he stabs me with that knife,

662
01:14:29,640 --> 01:14:32,600
what can he do? He can cripple me.

663
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:35,039
He can make me ugly.

664
01:14:35,119 --> 01:14:37,800
And then no one wants me anymore,

665
01:14:37,920 --> 01:14:41,239
when my face is made ugly!
I don't care!

666
01:14:46,399 --> 01:14:50,720
And then, at one point,
he started to feel sorry for me.

667
01:14:51,159 --> 01:14:57,039
And then he said: "There-there,
don't be like this now, it's nothing."

668
01:14:57,159 --> 01:15:02,319
"If you want, let's go to the cottage,
there is a beautiful, comfortable bed."

669
01:15:02,439 --> 01:15:06,880
"I'll show you how it's really done,
this car is not the best place."

670
01:15:07,239 --> 01:15:11,159
And then he got some gasoline,
I don't know from where he got it.

671
01:15:11,479 --> 01:15:14,560
Then drove me by the road somewhere.

672
01:15:15,159 --> 01:15:19,640
He opened the door, so I got out
and then he still wanted to kiss me.

673
01:15:22,199 --> 01:15:24,640
He said: "Maybe we'll meet again?"

674
01:15:26,479 --> 01:15:28,800
Such a bastard!

675
01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:34,840
And then I...

676
01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:40,840
I ran away from him.

677
01:15:41,479 --> 01:15:43,720
No, I didn't run right away.

678
01:15:43,880 --> 01:15:49,159
I was there at the roadside saying:
"No, I'm going to hitchhike home now."

679
01:15:49,279 --> 01:15:54,279
Then he drove away
and I was just trembling in the ditch.

680
01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:56,800
That story actually goes on.

681
01:15:56,960 --> 01:16:03,000
I'm trembling in the ditch there,
and then another car comes,

682
01:16:03,080 --> 01:16:05,640
two men in it,
they noticed me in the ditch.

683
01:16:05,760 --> 01:16:10,319
They asked, if I need any help?

684
01:16:11,479 --> 01:16:14,119
And I'm trembling there,

685
01:16:14,199 --> 01:16:17,399
that yes, I do need help,
I need to get home.

686
01:16:17,640 --> 01:16:19,920
They picked me up and asked:

687
01:16:20,039 --> 01:16:23,199
"Why are you trembling,
pretty birdie?"

688
01:16:23,359 --> 01:16:25,640
I thought I was ugly,

689
01:16:25,760 --> 01:16:29,880
but in fact I got a lot of compliments
at the time, I was skinny.

690
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:33,119
But I really hated myself.

691
01:16:33,199 --> 01:16:35,439
Anyway -
"Why are you trembling, little birdie?"

692
01:16:35,520 --> 01:16:39,880
And then I said that a man raped me.

693
01:16:41,119 --> 01:16:45,439
They said: "Oh fuck, that is bad."

694
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:48,439
"You need cognac!"

695
01:16:48,520 --> 01:16:52,880
They took me to a house somewhere

696
01:16:53,000 --> 01:16:56,680
and gave me some whiskey or cognac,
made me drink it.

697
01:16:56,880 --> 01:17:00,439
Then one of them
sat in the back seat next to me

698
01:17:00,560 --> 01:17:03,199
and began to put his hands around me.

699
01:17:04,199 --> 01:17:06,760
And he started to touch me.

700
01:17:07,159 --> 01:17:09,279
And then he was kissing me.

701
01:17:09,560 --> 01:17:11,279
And he said:

702
01:17:11,439 --> 01:17:16,279
"Hey, everything's okay now!
It's done!"

703
01:17:16,560 --> 01:17:21,239
"Now that your virginity is gone,
you can start living life!"

704
01:17:25,119 --> 01:17:28,680
And then I...

705
01:17:29,399 --> 01:17:33,079
I was so confused,
I found myself kissing him back.

706
01:17:33,159 --> 01:17:35,959
And later I thought, what was that?
I kissed him back,

707
01:17:36,039 --> 01:17:40,439
and I let him touch me,
that now everything is gone.

708
01:17:40,520 --> 01:17:42,960
I can't say...
I don't even know what happened.

709
01:17:43,040 --> 01:17:45,560
But I let him do everything.

710
01:17:47,159 --> 01:17:51,760
Anyway,
when they finally took me home,

711
01:17:52,199 --> 01:17:56,520
then my mom...

712
01:17:57,920 --> 01:18:00,159
At first I didn't say anything.

713
01:18:00,279 --> 01:18:05,600
But after a while I told my mother
that such a thing happened.

714
01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:11,439
I told her I was raped
and she did not believe it.

715
01:18:11,760 --> 01:18:13,439
"You were raped?"

716
01:18:13,560 --> 01:18:17,359
"Listen, come up with something better,
to get attention."

717
01:18:17,680 --> 01:18:20,520
I don't know if she didn't believe
that I...

718
01:18:20,680 --> 01:18:24,520
Did she really think I was so ugly
that I'm not even suitable for rape?

719
01:18:24,640 --> 01:18:26,960
That's what I thought.

720
01:18:28,560 --> 01:18:34,399
A few years later, I saw on TV
how two girls had been abducted

721
01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:38,039
and they were tortured
and raped for several days.

722
01:18:39,560 --> 01:18:44,439
Luckily they were able to escape,
they would probably have been killed.

723
01:18:44,560 --> 01:18:49,319
I saw it in the police news
and then I saw my rapist there.

724
01:18:51,560 --> 01:18:54,279
And then I realized

725
01:18:55,039 --> 01:18:59,239
that I was very close to being killed.

726
01:19:00,520 --> 01:19:03,079
I don't know if that prayer helped...

727
01:19:24,800 --> 01:19:28,239
I want to protect my daughter
from all this!

728
01:19:28,399 --> 01:19:32,359
But how to do it?
How can I do that?

729
01:22:29,000 --> 01:23:00,920
♪ We sweat out all this pain!
We sweat out all that fear! ♪

730
01:23:41,920 --> 01:23:49,880
♪ Sweat it out, out, out! ♪

731
01:23:53,640 --> 01:24:01,239
♪ Pain out! Pain out! Pain out! ♪

732
01:24:03,720 --> 01:24:07,560
♪ Out! Out! Out! ♪

733
01:24:09,760 --> 01:24:12,880
♪ Out! ♪

734
01:25:26,880 --> 01:25:32,239
TO ALL MY SISTERS

735
01:25:49,399 --> 01:25:56,039
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

736
01:25:59,399 --> 01:26:01,959
♪ We thank the effort ♪

737
01:26:02,039 --> 01:26:04,760
♪ of the sauna keeper! ♪

738
01:26:09,199 --> 01:26:15,600
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

739
01:26:18,760 --> 01:26:21,520
♪ We thank the water bearer ♪

740
01:26:21,640 --> 01:26:24,479
♪ and the whisk maker! ♪

741
01:26:28,439 --> 01:26:35,079
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

742
01:26:38,399 --> 01:26:45,760
♪ Dear Mother Earth and Father Sky! ♪

743
01:26:48,960 --> 01:26:55,680
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

744
01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,600
♪ For you have nourished ♪

745
01:27:01,720 --> 01:27:03,960
♪ the birch tree... ♪

746
01:27:08,640 --> 01:27:15,760
♪ ...and blessed the waters! ♪

747
01:27:16,560 --> 01:27:23,319
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

748
01:27:26,640 --> 01:27:30,720
♪ Thank you dear fire, ♪

749
01:27:30,800 --> 01:27:34,439
♪ thank you dear stones! ♪

750
01:27:35,399 --> 01:27:42,239
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

751
01:27:45,600 --> 01:27:52,520
♪ All our pain to the cold water! ♪

752
01:27:53,159 --> 01:28:00,600
♪ All our fears to the cold water! ♪

753
01:28:01,199 --> 01:28:07,800
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

754
01:28:10,920 --> 01:28:17,680
♪ Dear Smoke Sauna, you sacred place! ♪