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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ Become, become mighty! ♪

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♪ Become, become powerful! ♪

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Greetings, dear sauna!

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00:06:18,149 --> 00:06:19,828
I remember when I was little

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00:06:19,909 --> 00:06:22,508
then children weren't taken
to a hairdresser.

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00:06:22,628 --> 00:06:25,108
Instead some lady
just took out the scissors.

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00:06:25,188 --> 00:06:27,509
I remember how this scissor-lady
wondered and sighed:

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"How will you, a poor girl,
manage growing up?

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00:06:32,189 --> 00:06:37,789
She has no hope as a woman:
twisted teeth, too skinny.

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Blue circles under eyes,
hair so thin."

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No one told me directly that I'm ugly,
but it was implied.

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People were concerned
that you were not up to par.

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Exactly!

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00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:59,628
My sister had long blonde hair
and father loved to say:

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"So pretty,
like something handmade."

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00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:04,388
Everyone admired her.

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00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:07,668
In my case people just asked
how I'm doing at school

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00:07:07,748 --> 00:07:09,709
and whether I have good grades.

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00:07:09,868 --> 00:07:13,149
That's what my relatives
expected from me.

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00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:17,909
I remember that I went
to my mother to ask,

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00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:21,549
is it so that I'm not beautiful at all?

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00:07:22,469 --> 00:07:25,828
Mother must have wanted
to comfort me. She said:

25
00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:30,109
"Well yes, but you are unique!"

26
00:07:32,388 --> 00:07:35,589
I realized that
I'm really not beautiful.

27
00:07:35,868 --> 00:07:39,909
And with such knowledge it wasn't
easy to be in the women's world.

28
00:07:41,029 --> 00:07:47,308
It took me a long time,
before I started to feel beautiful.

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00:07:47,628 --> 00:07:51,349
I think I was in my forties
when I started to feel beautiful.

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00:07:59,549 --> 00:08:05,628
I feel that it was
a huge blow for my mother

31
00:08:05,828 --> 00:08:11,709
that she had a daughter...
who is fat.

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00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:18,149
...who is not suitable
to be a ballerina.

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She herself dreamt of becoming
a ballerina.

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00:08:21,789 --> 00:08:26,868
In relation to that I remember that
the best compliment from my mother,

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00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:29,469
that me and my sisters have received,

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is when she has said:
"Oh, you've become so skinny!"

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This is the best praise.

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00:08:36,309 --> 00:08:40,349
When you hear that you feel -
now I'm good!

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00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:46,229
First memories of my mother are
that she stands in front of a mirror

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00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:48,788
and observes herself.

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00:08:49,628 --> 00:08:51,828
She has lifted her clothes,
spins herself,

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00:08:51,908 --> 00:08:54,349
checks her butt,
cellulite or whatever -

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00:08:54,429 --> 00:08:57,949
and she's not satisfied with herself.

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00:08:58,949 --> 00:09:04,709
Her dream was to get breast enhancement,
so that all men would desire her.

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00:09:04,829 --> 00:09:08,628
The main thing as a woman
was to attract men.

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That makes you a valuable woman.

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The only good thing about my body was
that I had beautiful breasts

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00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:21,109
when they began to grow.
Then my mother was happy.

49
00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:26,989
My sister was 5 years older than me.

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She developed faster.
She was busty.

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I was still waiting
for my breasts to start growing.

52
00:09:36,949 --> 00:09:40,788
I remember riding a bike
with apples under my shirt -

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it felt like they were jumping.

54
00:10:09,349 --> 00:10:11,989
Is it steady?
- Yes.

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00:11:09,829 --> 00:11:11,429
Socks on hands!

56
00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:31,109
Beat the nape of my neck.

57
00:11:33,589 --> 00:11:35,748
Onto the shoulders.

58
00:11:53,148 --> 00:11:57,229
I knew from movies
that your hair might fall out.

59
00:11:57,949 --> 00:12:01,189
But I never thought that
all the body hair would come off.

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00:12:03,829 --> 00:12:07,109
I went to the bathroom
and my panties were full of hair.

61
00:12:07,229 --> 00:12:09,908
Then I remembered
that two weeks have passed

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00:12:09,989 --> 00:12:11,709
and my hair should come off.

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00:12:11,829 --> 00:12:13,989
I pulled my hair
and it did come off.

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One handful and another...

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00:12:16,548 --> 00:12:18,308
You just pull and that's it?
- Yes.

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00:12:18,388 --> 00:12:22,548
I was sitting in front of the oven,
took them and put them in the oven.

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00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:28,148
This diagnosis made me
rethink life a lot.

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I don't think I felt sick
for a second.

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I just thought that I'm very tired.

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00:12:35,508 --> 00:12:38,229
I thought I just need a vacation.

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00:12:38,388 --> 00:12:41,309
There was just a little dimple here.

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I thought I'll make
a Christmas present to myself

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and went for a medical check-up.

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00:12:48,589 --> 00:12:51,148
It turned out...

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that I have breast cancer.

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My first reaction was like -

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00:12:57,189 --> 00:13:01,069
probably the fear of death -
everything inside you freezes.

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00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:05,748
For about two or three days

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I didn't even go to the toilet.
I didn't eat.

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00:13:09,229 --> 00:13:13,589
I was canceling Christmas parties
and other things.

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00:13:14,349 --> 00:13:19,709
Then I realized I'm dying
in this fear of death.

82
00:13:21,429 --> 00:13:24,429
I invited a friend to visit me -

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I'm crying, talking and whining
about death to my friend -

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and then I get a phone call.

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00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,388
I was invited to a date.

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00:13:38,868 --> 00:13:44,668
It was such an absurd situation.
I'm preparing to die here...

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00:13:45,028 --> 00:13:47,908
That laughter freed me from the fear.

88
00:13:47,989 --> 00:13:52,069
I realized that I'm not dead yet -
why am I wailing?

89
00:13:52,469 --> 00:13:54,868
And then I decided to start living.

90
00:13:55,148 --> 00:13:59,189
The first thing I did was reconsider
all my Christmas party invitations.

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00:13:59,469 --> 00:14:01,508
I went to all the parties.

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00:14:01,788 --> 00:14:05,349
On the next day this man texted
and apologized.

93
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:08,668
I probably wasn't the only one
who received those invitations.

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00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,628
He said he was drunk.

95
00:14:10,788 --> 00:14:13,588
I called back and said: "I don't know
what these other women think...

96
00:14:13,668 --> 00:14:15,868
but I am grateful to you
for the rest of my life!"

97
00:14:26,028 --> 00:14:29,989
You know such things
happen to people,

98
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:34,229
but you never think
it could happen to you.

99
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,828
I don't have a uterus.

100
00:14:38,908 --> 00:14:42,589
I don't have one of my ovaries;
part of my breast is missing.

101
00:14:43,109 --> 00:14:46,309
Quite a few organs
have been cut out from me.

102
00:14:46,949 --> 00:14:51,908
But when I had this last operation -
then I felt that...

103
00:14:52,709 --> 00:14:55,868
...the soul cannot be cut away.

104
00:15:17,989 --> 00:15:20,148
Wooh! Well done!

105
00:15:21,748 --> 00:15:25,229
Give it once more,
so it breaks off properly.

106
00:17:04,308 --> 00:17:07,709
Smoke sauna is a sacred place
where you cleanse yourself.

107
00:17:07,949 --> 00:17:10,949
When you wash yourself clean -
it is a blessing.

108
00:17:11,268 --> 00:17:14,429
You can wash off all your dirt.

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00:17:14,828 --> 00:17:17,588
We thanked the person
who heats the sauna.

110
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:20,189
Also the person
who brought the water.

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00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:22,949
Women gave birth in smoke sauna.

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00:17:23,108 --> 00:17:26,508
The smoke sauna was heated,
the mother was placed in a bath tub,

113
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:29,828
and when it was time to deliver,
she was taken out of the bath tub.

114
00:17:29,909 --> 00:17:32,548
Then childbirth was easy
and not so painful.

115
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:35,348
When a son was born,
he was the new master of the house.

116
00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:37,989
But when a daughter was born - oh...

117
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:39,989
The daughter is...

118
00:17:40,149 --> 00:17:43,989
No one said they wanted a daughter -
a son was wanted more.

119
00:17:44,469 --> 00:17:46,709
The sons worked,

120
00:17:46,828 --> 00:17:50,709
but daughters had to be given away
with a dowry in marriage.

121
00:18:21,108 --> 00:18:24,308
My relatives have now left me
in peace with this subject,

122
00:18:24,429 --> 00:18:28,108
but for a while I thought
I'll just make someone up.

123
00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:31,469
Just to get this topic off the agenda.

124
00:18:31,629 --> 00:18:35,629
I actually have very nice relatives...
but yes - that opened my eyes.

125
00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:38,748
I thought the problem was
that no one wanted me.

126
00:18:38,828 --> 00:18:42,228
And they thought, that I don't want
anyone and the choice is so huge.

127
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You start looking at it differently.

128
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:48,228
Whether there are many fish
or less fish in the sea,

129
00:18:48,308 --> 00:18:50,068
is actually all in your head.

130
00:18:50,149 --> 00:18:51,548
Exactly.

131
00:18:51,669 --> 00:18:57,229
I'm not sure if this pressure comes
more from the society or from myself.

132
00:18:57,909 --> 00:19:02,189
It was also very important to me
to have some kind of companion.

133
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:05,669
Although, most of the time
I didn't have one.

134
00:19:05,909 --> 00:19:10,149
Then again - I've been married
and there has been this and that.

135
00:19:10,389 --> 00:19:11,989
But...

136
00:19:13,989 --> 00:19:15,909
I was somewhere over 30

137
00:19:16,028 --> 00:19:20,189
when I accepted that it's OK
to be alone as well.

138
00:19:21,028 --> 00:19:25,188
And when I then went
to some family events -

139
00:19:25,268 --> 00:19:27,268
funerals or things like that -

140
00:19:27,389 --> 00:19:30,828
then all the time the tension
just grew and grew,

141
00:19:30,949 --> 00:19:34,788
because I realized I'm already 34-35.

142
00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:37,428
My parents are not
even asking anymore -

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they have lost all hope.

144
00:19:40,348 --> 00:19:43,508
They probably want grandchildren,
but there are none -

145
00:19:43,629 --> 00:19:47,748
and then all the time this pressure
grows and grows.

146
00:19:48,149 --> 00:19:52,629
I remember one especially
funny moment from a funeral.

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During this period I had a partner.

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00:19:56,589 --> 00:19:59,468
He wasn't with me at the funeral,
but at least I could say,

149
00:19:59,548 --> 00:20:02,028
that I have a man
with a 12-year-old child.

150
00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:05,909
And then one of my
female relatives said:

151
00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:08,389
"At least it's something!"

152
00:20:16,989 --> 00:20:18,508
...lukewarm water.

153
00:20:25,068 --> 00:20:27,189
You can drink it too, right?

154
00:20:27,629 --> 00:20:29,108
Yes.

155
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:38,869
I went to a wedding recently
and such a joke developed there:

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00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:42,228
to the woman
who catches the bridal bouquet,

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00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:46,189
all the male guests
will have to send their dick-pics.

158
00:20:50,588 --> 00:20:53,548
From those pictures she can choose?

159
00:20:55,149 --> 00:20:57,108
I don't remember how we got there.

160
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Do you know what just happened?

161
00:20:59,629 --> 00:21:01,989
I thought dick-pic was some new app.

162
00:21:05,788 --> 00:21:07,709
I didn't understand right away.

163
00:21:10,909 --> 00:21:14,149
I have never received
any dick pictures.

164
00:21:14,348 --> 00:21:17,068
How exactly does it work?

165
00:21:17,348 --> 00:21:21,669
What exactly are they photographing?

166
00:21:22,028 --> 00:21:25,508
My friend has had it
and it's pretty awful.

167
00:21:25,629 --> 00:21:27,949
This is some Tinder thing.

168
00:21:28,068 --> 00:21:31,189
A guy starts to talk to you

169
00:21:31,348 --> 00:21:34,748
and then all of a sudden
a dick-pic arrives!

170
00:21:34,869 --> 00:21:37,348
It's a real shock!

171
00:21:40,869 --> 00:21:43,748
I wouldn't imagine
that I'm on Tinder,

172
00:21:43,828 --> 00:21:46,709
and then suddenly
I'll send a pussy picture.

173
00:21:47,748 --> 00:21:50,268
It's so funny.
I can't imagine it either.

174
00:21:51,469 --> 00:21:56,389
I had a partner
who in the middle of sex

175
00:21:56,508 --> 00:22:00,989
decided to come up
with an 'interesting' role play.

176
00:22:01,348 --> 00:22:05,389
Before entering me,

177
00:22:05,709 --> 00:22:07,709
he said: "Ask for it!"

178
00:22:09,149 --> 00:22:10,629
Like - "Beg for it!"

179
00:22:10,989 --> 00:22:14,429
And then I had to say this -

180
00:22:15,068 --> 00:22:18,828
there must have been a word
I don't remember any more -

181
00:22:18,909 --> 00:22:21,989
but basically I had to ask:
"May I have the penis, please?"

182
00:22:22,949 --> 00:22:25,108
And I asked it once but...

183
00:22:26,548 --> 00:22:28,429
My mind went blank!

184
00:22:29,869 --> 00:22:35,348
So I said:
"May I have the penis, please!"

185
00:22:35,469 --> 00:22:38,869
And then he said: "No, ask nicely!"

186
00:22:39,389 --> 00:22:44,028
This desire to be wanted and to hear,

187
00:22:44,149 --> 00:22:48,348
that she wants me so bad
she begs for it.

188
00:22:48,429 --> 00:22:52,308
What did he mean nicely?
- The influence of porn movies?

189
00:22:52,469 --> 00:22:57,469
Probably. But I guess I asked
in a softer voice then.

190
00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,429
"May I have the penis, please?"

191
00:23:02,989 --> 00:23:05,308
It was so surreal.

192
00:23:06,188 --> 00:23:08,988
I couldn't even get angry,

193
00:23:09,068 --> 00:23:13,308
because for me it was like...
greetings from the outer space.

194
00:23:13,429 --> 00:23:16,949
I had never encountered
such a thing before.

195
00:27:26,028 --> 00:27:27,709
Have you told your mother?

196
00:27:28,068 --> 00:27:29,469
Does she know?

197
00:27:29,629 --> 00:27:31,108
And father?

198
00:27:31,189 --> 00:27:34,469
They found out this year.
Actually last year.

199
00:27:36,748 --> 00:27:38,508
Directly from me.

200
00:27:38,629 --> 00:27:41,469
Maybe they guessed,
but probably not.

201
00:27:42,508 --> 00:27:44,068
Oh, God! When was it?

202
00:27:44,149 --> 00:27:46,869
2009 - almost ten years ago.

203
00:27:47,268 --> 00:27:50,828
I went to a three day swimming camp.

204
00:27:50,949 --> 00:27:55,588
I stayed at a friend's place.
She was a very close friend of mine.

205
00:27:56,148 --> 00:27:59,468
I remember -
I sat there on the couch...

206
00:27:59,548 --> 00:28:02,548
...two more girls sat on another couch.

207
00:28:02,949 --> 00:28:06,028
And out of nowhere comes
this feeling...

208
00:28:06,149 --> 00:28:09,348
The biggest storm you have ever felt,
just drops on you!

209
00:28:09,429 --> 00:28:12,108
And I feel a feeling
that I have never felt before!

210
00:28:12,189 --> 00:28:16,028
A hundred times more powerful than
anything I thought I could ever feel.

211
00:28:16,108 --> 00:28:18,629
I know precisely that it is
towards that person.

212
00:28:18,709 --> 00:28:23,308
And I know that it's something
which means love - and it shocked me.

213
00:28:23,469 --> 00:28:25,508
I could not say a word
that evening anymore.

214
00:28:25,588 --> 00:28:27,708
I did not tell anyone;
did not share it with anyone.

215
00:28:27,788 --> 00:28:30,068
And then I was like:
"Really?! Do I like women now?

216
00:28:30,149 --> 00:28:34,429
Are you kidding me? Can life get
any worse than it already is?"

217
00:28:34,709 --> 00:28:39,948
At least I now understood
why I didn't match with any man.

218
00:28:40,028 --> 00:28:42,548
I knew I had to end
my current relationship!

219
00:28:42,989 --> 00:28:47,268
It took me three weeks
to end the relationship with this man.

220
00:28:48,028 --> 00:28:51,788
It was really difficult to tell him -
my partner at that time.

221
00:28:52,308 --> 00:28:55,429
I did not know how to talk about
such things at that time.

222
00:28:55,709 --> 00:28:58,469
I kind of made up a reason...

223
00:28:58,588 --> 00:29:00,508
"Hey, you are a bit
too feminine for me!

224
00:29:00,588 --> 00:29:02,149
It doesn't really work for me!"

225
00:29:02,229 --> 00:29:04,229
Something completely nonsensical.

226
00:29:04,548 --> 00:29:08,588
I imagine it must have left
a big scar on him.

227
00:29:08,709 --> 00:29:12,229
It was not nice, but I didn't know
how to say it in any other way.

228
00:29:12,669 --> 00:29:15,909
Then I started the journey
to accept myself.

229
00:29:16,028 --> 00:29:19,149
Started to discover,
whether it is really true.

230
00:29:19,389 --> 00:29:21,508
That was a very complex process...

231
00:29:21,588 --> 00:29:23,909
Because the person towards whom
I had those feelings...

232
00:29:23,989 --> 00:29:25,949
I told her that I have such feelings,

233
00:29:26,068 --> 00:29:27,909
but I'm not expecting
anything from you.

234
00:29:27,989 --> 00:29:29,828
I definitely don't want
anything from you.

235
00:29:29,949 --> 00:29:32,748
But I felt that
we can't continue talking

236
00:29:32,828 --> 00:29:34,988
before I get this out of myself.

237
00:29:35,068 --> 00:29:36,909
If cards are not open?
- Yes.

238
00:29:37,028 --> 00:29:41,068
And there was total abandonment.

239
00:29:41,708 --> 00:29:44,988
She said I was the filthiest person
she had ever met.

240
00:29:45,068 --> 00:29:47,469
And that hurt.
That really hurt me.

241
00:29:47,588 --> 00:29:51,469
Something that is so natural to me,
that I'm still learning about myself...

242
00:29:51,629 --> 00:29:53,989
And someone says that I'm filthy.

243
00:29:54,189 --> 00:29:56,909
It was painful and it was a process -

244
00:29:57,508 --> 00:29:59,748
quite a lengthy process.

245
00:30:00,868 --> 00:30:04,708
Last year I went
to my parents house and thought:

246
00:30:04,788 --> 00:30:06,268
"Dammit! I will tell them!"

247
00:30:06,348 --> 00:30:09,068
But it was somehow uncomfortable,
I didn't want to do it.

248
00:30:09,149 --> 00:30:10,909
But then my partner

249
00:30:10,989 --> 00:30:14,069
for some reason had brought
flowers to the front door at night!

250
00:30:14,149 --> 00:30:16,788
Like a big bouquet of flowers.

251
00:30:16,909 --> 00:30:19,669
I wake up in the morning and hear,
"Elsa, you've got flowers!"

252
00:30:19,788 --> 00:30:24,469
Flowers? Are you kidding me?
I knew from whom they were.

253
00:30:24,709 --> 00:30:29,709
Dad asks: "Oh! You have a boyfriend?!"
"Who sent you flowers?"

254
00:30:30,149 --> 00:30:34,268
I was like,
"OK, I've been given the chance..."

255
00:30:34,668 --> 00:30:37,428
I felt so uncomfortable there
in the kitchen and I just said:

256
00:30:37,508 --> 00:30:40,188
"Yeah, well, very nice flowers..."

257
00:30:40,268 --> 00:30:42,988
I went to the second floor
for a moment,

258
00:30:43,068 --> 00:30:45,788
and thought why am I not
taking this opportunity?

259
00:30:45,869 --> 00:30:49,068
Went back downstairs and said:
"Dad, you asked who sent the flowers?"

260
00:30:49,149 --> 00:30:50,788
"Yes, so I asked."

261
00:30:50,908 --> 00:30:55,668
I said: "Well, I got them
from my partner - she's a woman."

262
00:30:55,748 --> 00:30:58,948
I don't remember how exactly,
but I said we're in a relationship.

263
00:30:59,028 --> 00:31:01,308
Dad turns away from the TV
and looks at me.

264
00:31:01,389 --> 00:31:03,669
"What?! Are you a lesbian?!"

265
00:31:03,788 --> 00:31:08,709
I answered, "Yeah, I don't know.
I guess that's how they call us."

266
00:31:08,989 --> 00:31:12,948
He said, "Ah", turned back to the TV
and didn't say anything more.

267
00:31:13,028 --> 00:31:15,668
And then mom sits on the sofa
and knowingly says:

268
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:17,869
"A human is a human!"

269
00:31:18,748 --> 00:31:20,308
And that was it.

270
00:31:21,348 --> 00:31:24,348
And this topic has not been
discussed further in our family.

271
00:31:36,909 --> 00:31:39,869
Don't you want to wet your hair?

272
00:32:17,508 --> 00:32:21,828
Only the closest people knew
how my mother really was.

273
00:32:21,949 --> 00:32:25,108
Others kept repeating
how good a person she is.

274
00:32:26,388 --> 00:32:30,228
I listened to how she closed the door,
to guess what mood she's in.

275
00:32:30,308 --> 00:32:33,668
And often she was in mood
or was just tired.

276
00:32:33,748 --> 00:32:35,428
She had three children.

277
00:32:35,508 --> 00:32:40,229
The Soviet Union collapse...
Coupon times...

278
00:32:40,429 --> 00:32:43,308
As she closes the door,
what kind of steps are approaching?

279
00:32:43,389 --> 00:32:47,108
"The dishes are unwashed again!
What are you doing here?"

280
00:32:47,189 --> 00:32:49,149
It was so scary.

281
00:32:49,588 --> 00:32:53,748
Another time she came home

282
00:32:54,028 --> 00:32:57,548
and had planned to go
to pick blueberries.

283
00:32:57,629 --> 00:33:00,068
But me and my sister were both tired.

284
00:33:00,348 --> 00:33:03,629
I said: "I don't want to go
to pick blueberries today."

285
00:33:03,748 --> 00:33:08,429
In anger she threw
buckets all over the yard.

286
00:33:08,869 --> 00:33:12,028
"Nothing is done here,
everything is like..."

287
00:33:12,189 --> 00:33:18,548
At one point I remember,
I started to walk out of the gate...

288
00:33:18,869 --> 00:33:24,028
...and she ran after me with a scythe,
trying to cut me with it.

289
00:33:24,108 --> 00:33:28,469
I ran for my life as she chased me
with the scythe.

290
00:33:28,989 --> 00:33:33,909
Had I stopped,
she would have simply cut my legs off.

291
00:33:40,508 --> 00:33:44,308
You asked me whether I wanted
my mother to be still alive.

292
00:33:44,429 --> 00:33:46,629
When she died,
just like in her lifetime,

293
00:33:46,709 --> 00:33:48,229
I had conflicting feelings.

294
00:33:48,348 --> 00:33:51,149
I wished her dead
while she was alive.

295
00:33:51,229 --> 00:33:54,468
From time to time, I even had thoughts
that I was going to kill her,

296
00:33:54,548 --> 00:33:58,028
and sometimes I was afraid
she would come and kill me.

297
00:33:58,788 --> 00:34:03,308
It was scary.
It was so scary.

298
00:34:04,469 --> 00:34:08,949
And yet she loved us very much,
she loved me very much.

299
00:34:09,228 --> 00:34:11,429
What did it look like?

300
00:34:17,068 --> 00:34:19,269
Love, yes, I...

301
00:34:19,508 --> 00:34:23,349
I felt like she was caring for us
as best she could.

302
00:34:23,588 --> 00:34:25,269
That she was scared all the time,

303
00:34:25,389 --> 00:34:28,429
her heart trembled for us -
is everything okay with us?

304
00:34:28,708 --> 00:34:32,148
She had to check all the time
to make sure we were alright.

305
00:34:33,148 --> 00:34:35,148
That we have everything.

306
00:34:35,428 --> 00:34:38,468
That we do things,
as she understands them to be right,

307
00:34:38,548 --> 00:34:40,789
because then
everything is alright with us.

308
00:34:41,228 --> 00:34:45,188
This was an expression of her care,
she did not know any other way.

309
00:34:45,309 --> 00:34:47,429
Only through total control.

310
00:34:48,469 --> 00:34:50,628
There was no such word
like love in our family.

311
00:34:50,708 --> 00:34:52,668
If you said that then
father asks immediately:

312
00:34:52,749 --> 00:34:56,269
“What is that?”
He just asked it again this year.

313
00:34:56,349 --> 00:34:59,269
I answered that
it's an interesting animal.

314
00:35:00,148 --> 00:35:02,228
Is it some kind of food?

315
00:35:04,508 --> 00:35:07,749
Estonians don't really want
to talk about it.

316
00:35:07,869 --> 00:35:09,028
Yes.

317
00:35:11,068 --> 00:35:13,909
What about hugging, fondling,
being cuddled?

318
00:35:13,989 --> 00:35:15,829
No, never, never.

319
00:35:15,909 --> 00:35:18,708
Once I was away
from home for almost five years.

320
00:35:18,789 --> 00:35:24,068
My return home was a surprise.
They didn't know about it.

321
00:35:24,469 --> 00:35:29,749
Mother was at home when I arrived
on a bicycle. Dad was not.

322
00:35:29,869 --> 00:35:33,749
I entered through the hallway
and peeked into the kitchen.

323
00:35:33,829 --> 00:35:35,749
Mom looks at me and says:
"Oh, you're home."

324
00:35:35,869 --> 00:35:40,068
And that was it - no hugging,
no cooking, nothing.

325
00:35:40,268 --> 00:35:42,988
And no one asked, how was your trip?

326
00:35:43,068 --> 00:35:45,428
Where did you go, what did you do?
- How are you?

327
00:35:45,508 --> 00:35:47,869
How do you feel?
Who are your friends?

328
00:35:47,989 --> 00:35:49,829
Oh, you found the time to come.

329
00:35:49,909 --> 00:35:53,468
Exactly that "oh, you found the time."

330
00:35:53,548 --> 00:35:56,508
Yes, the first phrase is already...

331
00:35:56,628 --> 00:35:59,349
One hour later father comes home

332
00:35:59,429 --> 00:36:01,988
and turns to me with the same
"Oh, you're home!"

333
00:36:02,068 --> 00:36:05,628
I asked if they had an agreement
to greet me with the same sentence?

334
00:36:05,708 --> 00:36:08,389
Then luckily my brother came
and he asked many questions.

335
00:36:08,469 --> 00:36:10,628
I saw how my mother
listened very intently.

336
00:36:10,708 --> 00:36:13,188
My brother also told me
that she actually has read

337
00:36:13,269 --> 00:36:15,068
all the possible things
about my trip.

338
00:36:15,148 --> 00:36:18,468
But she doesn't want to show me
that she knows, that she's interested.

339
00:36:18,548 --> 00:36:20,468
And then I was like wow -
this is so sad.

340
00:36:20,548 --> 00:36:22,988
Because caring must not be shown.
It is a weakness.

341
00:36:23,068 --> 00:36:24,068
Yes.

342
00:36:37,668 --> 00:36:40,108
You've always had the courage
to run away.

343
00:36:40,228 --> 00:36:42,829
You have had the courage
to do something else.

344
00:36:44,148 --> 00:36:47,749
This is something I admire so much

345
00:36:47,909 --> 00:36:50,309
and what I have never dared to do.

346
00:37:13,068 --> 00:37:15,028
There was hugging, yes,

347
00:37:15,148 --> 00:37:18,028
putting hands around the neck
and kissing too.

348
00:37:18,108 --> 00:37:20,628
Nothing but a kiss was allowed.

349
00:37:22,588 --> 00:37:24,228
Mother explained:

350
00:37:24,349 --> 00:37:28,148
"You can sleep with a boy
but you can't give yourself to him!"

351
00:37:28,789 --> 00:37:32,508
"Don't let the boy touch you
where he doesn't need to!"

352
00:37:33,429 --> 00:37:38,708
If at that time a girl had a child,
it was a great shame.

353
00:40:07,668 --> 00:40:09,668
In a way

354
00:40:09,829 --> 00:40:17,228
the Earth's ability
to produce food is a resource.

355
00:40:17,469 --> 00:40:21,269
The female body
is also seen as a resource.

356
00:40:22,389 --> 00:40:27,068
Women's ability to give birth
has been seen as a resource.

357
00:40:27,389 --> 00:40:35,228
Do you think men should have any say
on the decision of give birth or not?

358
00:40:35,749 --> 00:40:39,749
This decision should be
only up to the women.

359
00:40:39,949 --> 00:40:45,588
What women want to do with their body
should only be up to them.

360
00:40:45,789 --> 00:40:48,548
There should be no say from anybody

361
00:40:48,628 --> 00:40:54,028
whether you should have more
or any children.

362
00:40:54,588 --> 00:40:58,228
Have you ever had an abortion?
- Yes, once.

363
00:40:59,269 --> 00:41:04,068
How old were you?
- In my early twenties.

364
00:41:06,108 --> 00:41:08,588
I have also had an abortion.

365
00:41:31,028 --> 00:41:33,028
With me it was like this.

366
00:41:33,349 --> 00:41:36,389
I really loved one boy.

367
00:41:38,349 --> 00:41:40,228
And then I got pregnant.

368
00:41:40,909 --> 00:41:44,869
I was so happy when
I found out I was pregnant.

369
00:41:45,028 --> 00:41:47,628
I invited this boy to visit me.

370
00:41:48,389 --> 00:41:52,469
I thought this was such good news -

371
00:41:53,989 --> 00:41:55,789
and then I told him.

372
00:41:57,548 --> 00:42:01,469
He got silent
and after a while he said...

373
00:42:01,588 --> 00:42:04,108
he has to go drinking
with his friends now.

374
00:42:07,749 --> 00:42:09,508
And that...

375
00:42:12,869 --> 00:42:16,989
...that he doesn't want this baby.

376
00:42:19,148 --> 00:42:23,668
If I give birth,
I have to deal with everything myself.

377
00:42:23,749 --> 00:42:26,108
He doesn't want to see
this child at all.

378
00:42:27,829 --> 00:42:32,028
And I felt like everything
broke inside me.

379
00:42:34,909 --> 00:42:37,269
And then I was too scared
to give birth.

380
00:42:37,349 --> 00:42:41,789
I found out there was
some kind of abortion pill.

381
00:42:42,628 --> 00:42:44,389
It was in Finland then.

382
00:42:44,628 --> 00:42:49,628
In Estonia, some kind of old-school
abortion was performed,

383
00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:54,068
where you could become infertile.
I was afraid of it.

384
00:42:55,028 --> 00:42:59,028
And then I told my boyfriend

385
00:42:59,309 --> 00:43:01,869
to at least pay for the abortion.

386
00:43:06,508 --> 00:43:13,349
A lump came out
in some toilet in Helsinki.

387
00:43:16,989 --> 00:43:20,628
A man can give you money,
but you have to go through it.

388
00:43:20,789 --> 00:43:24,389
And you sit in a toilet
or at the doctor's office still alone.

389
00:43:24,839 --> 00:43:27,869
I think many men don't know that
their wives have had an abortion.

390
00:43:27,949 --> 00:43:29,829
For sure...

391
00:43:30,708 --> 00:43:33,668
My mother has had, for example...

392
00:43:35,068 --> 00:43:37,148
several abortions...

393
00:43:37,469 --> 00:43:40,708
But she's still ashamed,
she doesn't dare to say it.

394
00:43:40,869 --> 00:43:42,949
I am also ashamed.

395
00:44:14,309 --> 00:44:21,989
♪ Oh you dear cheater-groom! ♪

396
00:44:22,469 --> 00:44:30,148
♪ You deceived the mother
and father-in-law! ♪

397
00:44:30,469 --> 00:44:38,148
♪ You deceived their young daughter! ♪

398
00:44:38,548 --> 00:44:46,228
♪ You promised to carry her
in a carriage! ♪

399
00:44:46,949 --> 00:44:54,909
♪ You promised to swing her
in the cradle! ♪

400
00:45:06,028 --> 00:45:11,628
I have been thinking about
the choices we have as women.

401
00:45:12,188 --> 00:45:15,988
My grandmother never said it herself,

402
00:45:16,068 --> 00:45:19,469
but I heard about it later.

403
00:45:21,389 --> 00:45:27,588
She was so badly beaten
by her husband.

404
00:45:28,829 --> 00:45:33,668
By my grandfather, whom I have
never met because he died earlier.

405
00:45:35,028 --> 00:45:42,829
He used to beat her
by banging her head against the floor.

406
00:45:43,548 --> 00:45:48,469
Once her ribs were broken
and she was taken to the hospital.

407
00:45:48,588 --> 00:45:50,949
And her mental health...

408
00:45:51,469 --> 00:45:56,829
All the huge post-war famine...

409
00:45:57,108 --> 00:46:00,429
Those late 1940s, 1950s...

410
00:46:01,708 --> 00:46:05,909
Collective farms...
All these conditions...

411
00:46:07,789 --> 00:46:10,548
So what are your options?

412
00:46:11,188 --> 00:46:16,028
Even when grandfather
took another woman

413
00:46:16,108 --> 00:46:18,749
to live with them
in the same house,

414
00:46:18,829 --> 00:46:22,548
even then grandmother still...

415
00:46:23,028 --> 00:46:27,508
She remained single
after he was already dead.

416
00:46:27,668 --> 00:46:32,668
She still visited his grave
from time to time and...

417
00:46:39,508 --> 00:46:42,949
As my grand-aunt said that...

418
00:46:43,309 --> 00:46:47,108
grandmother was crazy about this man.

419
00:46:47,309 --> 00:46:51,668
Everyone warned her about him -

420
00:46:52,949 --> 00:46:55,789
he was a womanizer and a drunkard.

421
00:46:56,349 --> 00:47:00,228
But yes - it's interesting...

422
00:47:01,188 --> 00:47:05,749
Grandmother had made her choice
in favor of this man.

423
00:47:06,628 --> 00:47:09,228
And it was such a final choice.

424
00:47:11,588 --> 00:47:17,429
You can be beaten
or even beaten to death.

425
00:49:42,949 --> 00:49:47,789
Hair gets too hot otherwise.
You can hear them crackling.

426
00:49:48,909 --> 00:49:50,508
Thank you.

427
00:50:25,628 --> 00:50:27,789
You were sleeping.

428
00:50:28,148 --> 00:50:31,989
There were many blankets
and the abundance of bedding...

429
00:50:32,749 --> 00:50:34,349
And...

430
00:50:35,349 --> 00:50:37,429
Lord, how beautiful you were.

431
00:50:41,909 --> 00:50:43,628
I hoped you'll stay asleep.

432
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:47,909
I brought paper and a pen
and I drew you.

433
00:50:49,188 --> 00:50:54,708
You slept like that,
hand under your chin.

434
00:50:58,148 --> 00:50:59,949
I drew you.

435
00:51:05,269 --> 00:51:07,028
And now I've discovered

436
00:51:07,108 --> 00:51:09,869
that it is the most comfortable
position for sleeping.

437
00:51:09,949 --> 00:51:12,269
I even roll the blanket here.

438
00:51:12,389 --> 00:51:15,108
If I have exactly 15 minutes
to sleep during a day,

439
00:51:15,188 --> 00:51:20,708
then this is the position where I can
really fall asleep immediately.

440
00:51:21,469 --> 00:51:24,909
And when I gave you that picture,
even then I was afraid that...

441
00:51:27,309 --> 00:51:31,869
How do you like it
or do you consider it important?

442
00:51:39,228 --> 00:51:41,869
I don't really remember how it...

443
00:51:42,628 --> 00:51:44,789
how did it all happen like this...

444
00:51:45,708 --> 00:51:47,909
probably quite tipsy.

445
00:51:48,628 --> 00:51:51,228
But I remember kissing you

446
00:51:51,389 --> 00:51:54,829
or you kissed me
or we kissed each other.

447
00:51:57,668 --> 00:51:59,588
But how did it happen?

448
00:52:10,188 --> 00:52:14,548
By the way, I also don't remember
how it first happened.

449
00:52:16,108 --> 00:52:19,508
Maybe we were tipsy.

450
00:52:26,749 --> 00:52:29,068
It seemed to me that...

451
00:52:31,989 --> 00:52:39,349
That okay, that in fact
you like men, and...

452
00:52:41,989 --> 00:52:47,989
And I was so afraid of getting hurt.

453
00:52:50,829 --> 00:52:53,909
That it turns out to be just a game...

454
00:52:54,548 --> 00:52:55,909
...for you.

455
00:52:59,708 --> 00:53:03,869
And I didn't have any...
it was definitely not a game.

456
00:53:03,949 --> 00:53:08,988
But I didn't understand whether it was
anything more than trying it out.

457
00:53:09,068 --> 00:53:13,668
I actually still do not really know...

458
00:53:14,789 --> 00:53:19,668
We have those concepts
so strongly in front of us,

459
00:53:19,829 --> 00:53:25,508
that who should offer you intimacy
and who is the one you should miss.

460
00:53:26,068 --> 00:53:28,789
We all long for intimacy,

461
00:53:29,188 --> 00:53:31,989
but do we dare to let in that

462
00:53:32,188 --> 00:53:34,188
what seems, well, unusual?

463
00:53:34,309 --> 00:53:38,469
Do we recognize in that moment
what we want?

464
00:53:39,389 --> 00:53:44,749
Do you mean
that you had this strong concept,

465
00:53:44,869 --> 00:53:47,989
that only a man and a woman
should be together?

466
00:53:48,188 --> 00:53:50,428
Yes, and I don't know
if I still have it.

467
00:53:50,508 --> 00:53:52,188
I don't know...

468
00:53:53,789 --> 00:53:57,628
Well, I don't feel a huge urge
to experiment

469
00:53:57,749 --> 00:54:01,188
but I do know,
that I have seen you in my dreams.

470
00:55:28,469 --> 00:55:30,789
Breaking up was a very big sin.

471
00:55:31,508 --> 00:55:35,588
I don't know anyone
who would have divorced around here,

472
00:55:36,108 --> 00:55:37,829
never even heard of it.

473
00:55:38,309 --> 00:55:43,548
Those who got married,
even if there were difficulties...

474
00:55:44,028 --> 00:55:48,668
Quarreled and fought
till they finally reconciled.

475
00:55:48,869 --> 00:55:51,508
And they lived together until death.

476
00:55:53,708 --> 00:55:55,909
My neighbour over the hill,

477
00:55:56,028 --> 00:55:58,269
his wife died and he asked me,

478
00:55:58,349 --> 00:56:01,789
"Dear Mari, will you come to wash her?

479
00:56:01,869 --> 00:56:05,349
I already heated the sauna
to warm the water."

480
00:56:05,628 --> 00:56:09,228
Who washes the dead with warm water?
I have never heard of it before!

481
00:56:09,349 --> 00:56:11,749
But he had never dealt
with the dead before,

482
00:56:11,829 --> 00:56:14,829
he thought the wife should be washed
with warm water.

483
00:56:15,909 --> 00:56:18,429
I've washed so many dead people.

484
00:56:18,708 --> 00:56:20,989
I guess I have, I don't know...

485
00:56:21,668 --> 00:56:25,269
Those are called to wash the dead...

486
00:56:25,749 --> 00:56:28,429
who are brave and not afraid.
But some fear the dead

487
00:56:28,509 --> 00:56:30,949
and they don't want to touch the dead.

488
00:56:32,028 --> 00:56:35,628
Forty days the soul of the dead
is at home.

489
00:56:36,508 --> 00:56:38,469
And sees everything.

490
00:56:39,148 --> 00:56:43,228
Forty days were about to pass
after my husband's death.

491
00:56:43,389 --> 00:56:47,269
Forty days was over
and it was evening.

492
00:56:47,469 --> 00:56:50,068
While I was sleeping in bed,
I opened my eyes

493
00:56:50,188 --> 00:56:52,668
and my husband
was standing next to me

494
00:56:52,829 --> 00:56:58,188
wearing the same clothes
in which he was buried.

495
00:56:58,989 --> 00:57:03,349
He looked at me and I was so happy -
a smile came on my face.

496
00:57:03,469 --> 00:57:05,588
"Well, aren't you dead?"
I asked...

497
00:57:05,949 --> 00:57:08,708
As I looked he disappeared.

498
00:57:35,188 --> 00:57:37,668
Feel it. Is it suitable?

499
00:57:39,628 --> 00:57:41,389
Yes, it is.

500
00:57:43,469 --> 00:57:45,989
Dear spirits, now its your turn...

501
00:57:46,148 --> 00:57:48,108
...come wash yourselves.

502
00:57:55,508 --> 00:57:58,108
If you do a spirits sauna...

503
00:57:58,429 --> 00:58:00,869
I don't dare to call my mother.

504
00:58:01,749 --> 00:58:05,508
Because I feel
she might get upset with me.

505
00:58:12,108 --> 00:58:15,869
I have had close experience
with death in my life.

506
00:58:16,228 --> 00:58:20,789
I have my own relationship with death.

507
00:58:24,668 --> 00:58:27,508
I was 39 years old
when I became pregnant.

508
00:58:27,628 --> 00:58:29,789
It was the second time in my life.

509
00:58:31,708 --> 00:58:34,869
My first child was already big.

510
00:58:35,789 --> 00:58:37,869
There was a new love in my life.

511
00:58:37,989 --> 00:58:41,668
We were both very much
looking forward to this baby.

512
00:58:44,108 --> 00:58:48,469
There were a few days left
until the due date.

513
00:58:48,708 --> 00:58:52,108
When I went to bed at night
I remember the feeling -

514
00:58:52,228 --> 00:58:55,389
strange, she hasn't
moved for a long time.

515
00:58:55,548 --> 00:58:58,989
But I thought it's okay,
she's just sleeping.

516
00:58:59,269 --> 00:59:06,349
I thought let's go to the hospital
and check just to calm our hearts.

517
00:59:06,749 --> 00:59:11,269
And then there is this moment
when the woman...

518
00:59:12,909 --> 00:59:16,068
...who is on your belly
with the device says nothing.

519
00:59:16,148 --> 00:59:18,909
But you look at her and you know...

520
00:59:26,829 --> 00:59:30,468
When the baby is dead inside you,
then childbirth must be induced.

521
00:59:30,548 --> 00:59:34,668
It's clear that this child
won't come out on her own anymore.

522
00:59:36,869 --> 00:59:39,628
This induction process
takes quite a long time -

523
00:59:39,749 --> 00:59:42,469
at least in my case
it lasted quite a long time.

524
00:59:43,349 --> 00:59:45,548
All night and all day.

525
00:59:47,028 --> 00:59:50,068
I remember at some point
when that pain came

526
00:59:50,188 --> 00:59:52,309
then I just screamed.

527
00:59:55,628 --> 00:59:58,949
When my first child was born,
then I didn't make a sound.

528
00:59:59,068 --> 01:00:03,389
It seemed weird somehow
or I just couldn't do it.

529
01:00:04,588 --> 01:00:08,148
Now it was like
the only thing I could do.

530
01:00:10,869 --> 01:00:13,028
In the end,
childbirth is like childbirth.

531
01:00:13,108 --> 01:00:16,469
Every woman who has given birth
knows this feeling

532
01:00:16,588 --> 01:00:19,829
that at some point
you're somewhere in the zone.

533
01:00:20,148 --> 01:00:23,389
And in that sense
it doesn't really matter

534
01:00:23,469 --> 01:00:27,949
whether you're giving birth
to a living or a lifeless child.

535
01:00:28,068 --> 01:00:32,749
This zone is still the same,
when childbirth begins to approach

536
01:00:32,829 --> 01:00:35,508
or the child begins to come out.

537
01:00:36,389 --> 01:00:39,989
At one point the pain is simply over.

538
01:00:44,188 --> 01:00:48,548
Then I remember
when that baby was put on my lap.

539
01:00:49,269 --> 01:00:54,708
This baby was very beautiful -
she was still warm.

540
01:00:55,869 --> 01:00:57,869
And then slowly...

541
01:00:58,949 --> 01:01:01,668
She started to get colder...

542
01:01:02,228 --> 01:01:03,989
and colder.

543
01:01:06,228 --> 01:01:08,429
Doctors say that...

544
01:01:09,429 --> 01:01:13,309
...if your baby has died in the womb,
it's best to give birth to it yourself

545
01:01:13,429 --> 01:01:18,108
and not to have a C-section.
Many women argue against it -

546
01:01:18,548 --> 01:01:22,309
that it's hard enough,
why do you still have to give birth?

547
01:01:25,429 --> 01:01:27,708
I'm actually glad I gave birth,

548
01:01:27,829 --> 01:01:31,749
because the pain
that you feel during the birth

549
01:01:31,829 --> 01:01:35,989
will finally begin to work for you.

550
01:01:36,508 --> 01:01:38,469
So when it's all over,

551
01:01:38,628 --> 01:01:44,469
some part of this pain
is already burnt or dissolved.

552
01:02:03,469 --> 01:02:09,829
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...

553
01:02:11,708 --> 01:02:19,668
Salt, salt, protect me from evil
both outside and inside...

554
01:02:54,228 --> 01:03:02,228
What has to go, should go...

555
01:03:57,548 --> 01:04:04,749
Out! Off-off, get out now!

556
01:04:06,909 --> 01:04:09,668
Clean the child!

557
01:04:09,909 --> 01:04:13,188
So be it...

558
01:04:14,749 --> 01:04:21,588
Water, take the pain away…

559
01:04:35,068 --> 01:04:42,389
Water, take the pain away…

560
01:06:54,228 --> 01:06:55,869
Now it's called a period,

561
01:06:55,949 --> 01:06:59,188
when I was a child
it was called 'your illness'.

562
01:06:59,469 --> 01:07:02,068
I had my first period, and then I...

563
01:07:03,108 --> 01:07:08,909
My mother was so silly that
she didn't explain about the illness..

564
01:07:09,148 --> 01:07:12,789
I saw something start
to flow out of me

565
01:07:13,028 --> 01:07:17,668
and I went behind the door
and began to weep,

566
01:07:17,789 --> 01:07:22,108
that now I run out of blood
and that's it.

567
01:07:22,228 --> 01:07:26,028
I guess I didn't even have
any panties on then.

568
01:07:26,628 --> 01:07:28,909
I cried there and mother asked:

569
01:07:28,989 --> 01:07:32,309
"Why are you crying, baby,
here at the door?"

570
01:07:32,909 --> 01:07:36,548
Mother saw what was wrong
and said: "Oh!"

571
01:07:36,989 --> 01:07:41,148
"Dear child, it's nothing wrong,
you're becoming a woman now!"

572
01:07:41,869 --> 01:07:44,269
"Now that your sickness has started!"

573
01:07:44,349 --> 01:07:46,668
Then you become a woman,

574
01:07:46,989 --> 01:07:49,269
until your illness you were a child.

575
01:08:21,669 --> 01:08:25,589
How were you told?
Were you told...

576
01:08:25,669 --> 01:08:28,669
My grandmother always said to me
to go wash my wee-wee.

577
01:08:28,869 --> 01:08:33,268
And it was so absolutely embarrassing.

578
01:08:33,428 --> 01:08:38,308
Sometimes she said it in front of
my grandfather and it was so awful.

579
01:08:38,388 --> 01:08:41,749
I was a little girl,
but somehow I was so embarrassed.

580
01:08:41,869 --> 01:08:45,949
Where does such
embarrassment come from?

581
01:08:46,029 --> 01:08:47,909
Do you remember?
- I do.

582
01:08:47,989 --> 01:08:50,348
Was it so?
- I was also embarrassed about it.

583
01:08:50,468 --> 01:08:53,669
But what do you tell your daughters?
- Fluffy.

584
01:08:53,829 --> 01:08:55,709
Fluffy?
- Yes.

585
01:08:58,348 --> 01:09:02,468
I think it's pussy. I say pussy.

586
01:09:02,869 --> 01:09:04,428
I also say pussy.

587
01:09:05,028 --> 01:09:08,829
Pussy... I can't say wee-wee,
because with this I have...

588
01:09:09,829 --> 01:09:12,179
Completely...
- But this - wash your underparts?

589
01:09:12,789 --> 01:09:15,749
It was awful! I hate it!

590
01:09:15,829 --> 01:09:20,108
Exactly! That was so horrible!

591
01:09:20,428 --> 01:09:24,068
Yeah, wash your underparts.
My underparts are all clean!

592
01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:29,028
And you have to report
to your grandmother or mother.

593
01:09:29,228 --> 01:09:32,188
I remember, for example -
I had a grandmother

594
01:09:32,268 --> 01:09:35,869
and her ideal was a pure woman -
a woman must be pure.

595
01:09:35,949 --> 01:09:39,829
I remember, I was 4 or 5 years old,
she took me outside

596
01:09:39,909 --> 01:09:43,869
and we started talking,
that it is very important

597
01:09:44,348 --> 01:09:47,228
that a woman does not have
loose pants.

598
01:09:47,348 --> 01:09:52,589
And then I thought,
what if I'm wearing a dress?

599
01:09:55,388 --> 01:09:59,388
I didn't understand what that meant.

600
01:10:00,909 --> 01:10:03,669
Okay, why not?
Loose - so your pants fall off?

601
01:10:03,749 --> 01:10:05,869
Yes, they fall off.

602
01:10:07,068 --> 01:10:11,188
Well and then you may...
that you have to keep it.

603
01:10:11,308 --> 01:10:14,589
What do I have to keep?
You have to keep your purity.

604
01:10:14,869 --> 01:10:17,549
What do you mean, purity?
Like I'm washing myself?

605
01:10:17,709 --> 01:10:21,388
Then she said that virginity
is a woman's most important asset,

606
01:10:21,468 --> 01:10:23,388
it must be kept very carefully.

607
01:10:23,909 --> 01:10:27,308
And I imagined,
after all, every girl imagines it,

608
01:10:27,388 --> 01:10:30,108
what is it like - the first time?

609
01:10:30,188 --> 01:10:33,388
That there's a boy,
who loves me very much.

610
01:10:33,589 --> 01:10:38,028
And then it happened, that instead
some disgusting old man raped me.

611
01:10:38,989 --> 01:10:41,468
How did you get to this old man?

612
01:10:45,388 --> 01:10:49,388
When I was 16 or 17,

613
01:10:50,428 --> 01:10:53,428
anyway, I was hitchhiking,

614
01:10:53,909 --> 01:10:56,629
and then...

615
01:10:59,348 --> 01:11:05,468
Then I was picked up by an old man
and he seemed very friendly.

616
01:11:05,589 --> 01:11:10,388
He was joking
and the radio was playing.

617
01:11:10,509 --> 01:11:13,188
There was a song about roses
by Mati Nuude.

618
01:11:13,308 --> 01:11:16,348
I even started singing along.

619
01:11:16,709 --> 01:11:18,749
So yeah, very nice.

620
01:11:18,949 --> 01:11:22,148
And then he said:
"Oh, I need to get some gas."

621
01:11:22,228 --> 01:11:25,709
"I'll take you further,
but I need to get gas."

622
01:11:26,228 --> 01:11:29,749
And then he turned
towards some village.

623
01:11:29,829 --> 01:11:31,669
And I thought - okay.

624
01:11:32,629 --> 01:11:37,188
Then he drove and at one point,
when he turned away,

625
01:11:37,308 --> 01:11:43,108
I suddenly had this feeling
in my stomach, that oh crap.

626
01:11:44,749 --> 01:11:48,509
And then he turned to a forest road.

627
01:11:48,749 --> 01:11:52,509
Then I realized I was in deep shit.
This is not a gas station.

628
01:11:52,629 --> 01:11:56,829
Thoughts started to rush like crazy,
what am I going to do now...

629
01:11:58,028 --> 01:12:03,709
Then he stopped at some house
and went out.

630
01:12:05,028 --> 01:12:08,988
I wanted to go out the door
and I realized,

631
01:12:09,068 --> 01:12:12,268
that there in the back where I sat,
these doors do not open.

632
01:12:12,388 --> 01:12:15,028
That they are made so
that I can't get out.

633
01:12:16,068 --> 01:12:20,148
And then I hear the barking of dogs.

634
01:12:20,629 --> 01:12:24,709
There were 3 or 4 large dogs
around the car,

635
01:12:24,789 --> 01:12:26,829
and I was terribly afraid of dogs.

636
01:12:27,028 --> 01:12:31,108
The dogs were growling around the car
and I thought oh shit!

637
01:12:31,188 --> 01:12:35,468
I can't drive,
my mind was working like crazy.

638
01:12:35,869 --> 01:12:38,709
Dogs are all around, what can I do?

639
01:12:38,829 --> 01:12:41,148
This is not real,
it's not happening to me.

640
01:12:41,228 --> 01:12:44,068
This happens in the movies,
it doesn't happen to me.

641
01:12:44,709 --> 01:12:49,148
The man went to that house
and then he comes out and I'm thinking,

642
01:12:49,268 --> 01:12:53,388
maybe he's coming back behind the wheel
and we just drive on.

643
01:12:53,468 --> 01:12:58,388
But no, this guy is already
approaching my door,

644
01:12:58,468 --> 01:13:02,468
and he opens that door
and he has a knife in his hand.

645
01:13:03,228 --> 01:13:11,108
I started telling him
that my father is a tough cop

646
01:13:11,228 --> 01:13:18,549
and that I should call him,
because he worries.

647
01:13:18,709 --> 01:13:23,709
And the man says:
"No he's not, hush little birdie!"

648
01:13:24,709 --> 01:13:27,388
And then I like...

649
01:13:28,348 --> 01:13:31,148
I try to push him away.

650
01:13:31,308 --> 01:13:33,909
This guy now gets my precious asset!

651
01:13:35,108 --> 01:13:36,549
And then...

652
01:13:37,268 --> 01:13:40,028
Then I thought,
it really doesn't matter,

653
01:13:40,108 --> 01:13:43,629
I want to survive, I want to live.

654
01:13:44,029 --> 01:13:46,308
I have something to say
and give to the world,

655
01:13:46,428 --> 01:13:50,228
I don't care about this precious asset.

656
01:13:53,829 --> 01:13:58,428
Then I looked out the car window,
I looked at those trees and the forest.

657
01:14:00,108 --> 01:14:03,909
And then I just spoke to God,

658
01:14:04,509 --> 01:14:07,869
that please, I want to survive.

659
01:14:07,949 --> 01:14:12,348
That sorry God, I don't care
about this precious asset of a woman.

660
01:14:12,468 --> 01:14:15,468
Because I just want to survive.

661
01:14:18,068 --> 01:14:23,348
Then I just prayed and at one point
I was no longer fighting back.

662
01:14:23,468 --> 01:14:26,509
I thought I don't care,
he has a knife and I don't want to...

663
01:14:26,589 --> 01:14:29,509
Then I thought
that if he stabs me with that knife,

664
01:14:29,629 --> 01:14:32,589
what can he do? He can cripple me.

665
01:14:32,669 --> 01:14:35,028
He can make me ugly.

666
01:14:35,108 --> 01:14:37,789
And then no one wants me anymore,

667
01:14:37,909 --> 01:14:41,228
when my face is made ugly!
I don't care!

668
01:14:46,388 --> 01:14:50,709
And then, at one point,
he started to feel sorry for me.

669
01:14:51,148 --> 01:14:57,028
And then he said: "There-there,
don't be like this now, it's nothing."

670
01:14:57,148 --> 01:15:02,308
"If you want, let's go to the cottage,
there is a beautiful, comfortable bed."

671
01:15:02,428 --> 01:15:06,869
"I'll show you how it's really done,
this car is not the best place."

672
01:15:07,228 --> 01:15:11,148
And then he got some gasoline,
I don't know from where he got it.

673
01:15:11,468 --> 01:15:14,549
Then drove me by the road somewhere.

674
01:15:15,148 --> 01:15:19,629
He opened the door, so I got out
and then he still wanted to kiss me.

675
01:15:22,188 --> 01:15:24,629
He said: "Maybe we'll meet again?"

676
01:15:26,468 --> 01:15:28,789
Such a bastard!

677
01:15:32,549 --> 01:15:34,829
And then I...

678
01:15:37,909 --> 01:15:40,829
I ran away from him.

679
01:15:41,468 --> 01:15:43,709
No, I didn't run right away.

680
01:15:43,869 --> 01:15:49,148
I was there at the roadside saying:
"No, I'm going to hitchhike home now."

681
01:15:49,268 --> 01:15:54,268
Then he drove away
and I was just trembling in the ditch.

682
01:15:54,709 --> 01:15:56,789
That story actually goes on.

683
01:15:56,949 --> 01:16:02,989
I'm trembling in the ditch there,
and then another car comes,

684
01:16:03,069 --> 01:16:05,629
two men in it,
they noticed me in the ditch.

685
01:16:05,749 --> 01:16:10,308
They asked, if I need any help?

686
01:16:11,468 --> 01:16:14,108
And I'm trembling there,

687
01:16:14,188 --> 01:16:17,388
that yes, I do need help,
I need to get home.

688
01:16:17,629 --> 01:16:19,909
They picked me up and asked:

689
01:16:20,028 --> 01:16:23,188
"Why are you trembling,
pretty birdie?"

690
01:16:23,348 --> 01:16:25,629
I thought I was ugly,

691
01:16:25,749 --> 01:16:29,869
but in fact I got a lot of compliments
at the time, I was skinny.

692
01:16:30,749 --> 01:16:33,108
But I really hated myself.

693
01:16:33,188 --> 01:16:35,428
Anyway -
"Why are you trembling, little birdie?"

694
01:16:35,509 --> 01:16:39,869
And then I said that a man raped me.

695
01:16:41,108 --> 01:16:45,428
They said: "Oh fuck, that is bad."

696
01:16:45,989 --> 01:16:48,428
"You need cognac!"

697
01:16:48,509 --> 01:16:52,869
They took me to a house somewhere

698
01:16:52,989 --> 01:16:56,669
and gave me some whiskey or cognac,
made me drink it.

699
01:16:56,869 --> 01:17:00,428
Then one of them
sat in the back seat next to me

700
01:17:00,549 --> 01:17:03,188
and began to put his hands around me.

701
01:17:04,188 --> 01:17:06,749
And he started to touch me.

702
01:17:07,148 --> 01:17:09,268
And then he was kissing me.

703
01:17:09,549 --> 01:17:11,268
And he said:

704
01:17:11,428 --> 01:17:16,268
"Hey, everything's okay now!
It's done!"

705
01:17:16,549 --> 01:17:21,228
"Now that your virginity is gone,
you can start living life!"

706
01:17:25,108 --> 01:17:28,669
And then I...

707
01:17:29,388 --> 01:17:33,068
I was so confused,
I found myself kissing him back.

708
01:17:33,148 --> 01:17:35,948
And later I thought, what was that?
I kissed him back,

709
01:17:36,028 --> 01:17:40,428
and I let him touch me,
that now everything is gone.

710
01:17:40,509 --> 01:17:42,949
I can't say...
I don't even know what happened.

711
01:17:43,029 --> 01:17:45,549
But I let him do everything.

712
01:17:47,148 --> 01:17:51,749
Anyway,
when they finally took me home,

713
01:17:52,188 --> 01:17:56,509
then my mom...

714
01:17:57,909 --> 01:18:00,148
At first I didn't say anything.

715
01:18:00,268 --> 01:18:05,589
But after a while I told my mother
that such a thing happened.

716
01:18:05,709 --> 01:18:11,428
I told her I was raped
and she did not believe it.

717
01:18:11,749 --> 01:18:13,428
"You were raped?"

718
01:18:13,549 --> 01:18:17,348
"Listen, come up with something better,
to get attention."

719
01:18:17,669 --> 01:18:20,509
I don't know if she didn't believe
that I...

720
01:18:20,669 --> 01:18:24,509
Did she really think I was so ugly
that I'm not even suitable for rape?

721
01:18:24,629 --> 01:18:26,949
That's what I thought.

722
01:18:28,549 --> 01:18:34,388
A few years later, I saw on TV
how two girls had been abducted

723
01:18:34,509 --> 01:18:38,028
and they were tortured
and raped for several days.

724
01:18:39,549 --> 01:18:44,428
Luckily they were able to escape,
they would probably have been killed.

725
01:18:44,549 --> 01:18:49,308
I saw it in the police news
and then I saw my rapist there.

726
01:18:51,549 --> 01:18:54,268
And then I realized

727
01:18:55,028 --> 01:18:59,228
that I was very close to being killed.

728
01:19:00,509 --> 01:19:03,068
I don't know if that prayer helped...

729
01:19:24,789 --> 01:19:28,228
I want to protect my daughter
from all this!

730
01:19:28,388 --> 01:19:32,348
But how to do it?
How can I do that?

731
01:22:28,989 --> 01:23:00,909
♪ We sweat out all this pain!
We sweat out all that fear! ♪

732
01:23:41,909 --> 01:23:49,869
♪ Sweat it out, out, out! ♪

733
01:23:53,629 --> 01:24:01,228
♪ Pain out! Pain out! Pain out! ♪

734
01:24:03,709 --> 01:24:07,549
♪ Out! Out! Out! ♪

735
01:24:09,749 --> 01:24:12,869
♪ Out! ♪

736
01:25:26,869 --> 01:25:32,228
TO ALL MY SISTERS

737
01:25:49,388 --> 01:25:56,028
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

738
01:25:59,388 --> 01:26:01,948
♪ We thank the effort ♪

739
01:26:02,028 --> 01:26:04,749
♪ of the sauna keeper! ♪

740
01:26:09,188 --> 01:26:15,589
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

741
01:26:18,749 --> 01:26:21,509
♪ We thank the water bearer ♪

742
01:26:21,629 --> 01:26:24,468
♪ and the whisk maker! ♪

743
01:26:28,428 --> 01:26:35,068
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

744
01:26:38,388 --> 01:26:45,749
♪ Dear Mother Earth and Father Sky! ♪

745
01:26:48,949 --> 01:26:55,669
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

746
01:26:58,989 --> 01:27:01,589
♪ For you have nourished ♪

747
01:27:01,709 --> 01:27:03,949
♪ the birch tree... ♪

748
01:27:08,629 --> 01:27:15,749
♪ ...and blessed the waters! ♪

749
01:27:16,549 --> 01:27:23,308
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

750
01:27:26,629 --> 01:27:30,709
♪ Thank you dear fire, ♪

751
01:27:30,789 --> 01:27:34,428
♪ thank you dear stones! ♪

752
01:27:35,388 --> 01:27:42,228
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

753
01:27:45,589 --> 01:27:52,509
♪ All our pain to the cold water! ♪

754
01:27:53,148 --> 01:28:00,589
♪ All our fears to the cold water! ♪

755
01:28:01,188 --> 01:28:07,789
♪ We thank you, we thank you! ♪

756
01:28:10,909 --> 01:28:17,669
♪ Dear Smoke Sauna, you sacred place! ♪