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[big band music playing]
[Sebastian] Vegas, the jewel of the desert.
People here come in all shapes and sizes.
While today, the hotels are taller and shinier,
the clientele has, let's face it, lost some of its sheen.
My favorite Vegas is from a bygone era,
when cash was king.
When everybody smoked,
drank martinis,
and dressed to impress.
And when the Rat Pack ruled.
[big band music continues]
[Sebastian] That's the Vegas I dream of.
That's the Vegas I'd like to bring back to life.
[big band music continues]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Sebastian Maniscalco!
[audience cheering]
[cheering continues]
Wow. Give it up for Las Vegas, Nevada, huh?
[audience cheering]
[sighs]
So, I wanted to do like a throwback
to when people dressed up…
[audience whooping]
…in Las Vegas.
Um…
So I gotta thank the people that actually took the time…
to put a suit on or a dress.
-[audience cheering] -Yeah. Nice.
Appreciate it.
Uh, by the looks of it, no…
a lot of people didn't really, uh, do that.
[audience laughter]
That's nice. Nice to see couples out on the weekend.
My wife and I, we don't go out on the weekends, 'cause I generally work.
So we go out on Tuesday.
That's our date night.
Everybody says you have to have a date night when you have kids.
Like, "You need a date night!"
[audience chuckling]
"For you and your wife to connect."
So now we go out and we argue without the kids.
-[audience laughter] -It's nice.
We get a lot more accomplished
without the kids bein' there. It's good.
I love my wife Lana to death, but she's not, uh…
she's got no urgency, there's no…
[audience laughter]
[grunts]
When we park the car, our doors never open at the same…
time.
I always get outta the car, I shut the door,
I look, she's still in the vehicle.
[audience laughing and applauding]
And I'm waiting, I'm like, "She's gotta notice I've exited
the car, that's gotta click in."
But nothin'.
I gotta go to her side and knock on the window and go,
"What the fuck are you doin'?"
[audience laughing and whooping]
She's always lookin' for something.
There's a full Sephora
on the console. What the… [laughs]
She's lookin' in the back.
What are you looking in-- We didn't go in the back!
What's in the back?
Her shoes are off.
[audience laughter]
It's a ten-minute ride, she loses her shoes. Wha--
She wears heels, they hurt. I get it. I get it, okay?
But if it was me, I'd look at the GPS and go, "Oh."
"We're three minutes away, maybe I should…
[audience laughter]
…start reassembling my feet."
And when she gets outta the car, she can't even walk in these heels.
It looks like a "Thriller" video across the parking lot.
[audience laughter]
[audience whooping]
She's like, "Don't I look sexy, babe?"
[audience laughter]
"Don't I look sexy?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm hard already."
"Just get into the restaurant, people are lookin' at you."
"It don't look good."
"Don't look good, babe."
And we get into the restaurant.
Always make a reservation, I think you gotta do that.
You feel proud.
You feel proud when you make a reservation.
Soon as you walk in, you see people milling around in the lobby.
You tap your wife, like, "They probably don't have a reservation."
[audience laughter]
And you give your name--
You're kinda nervous sometimes when you give your name.
Like there's a moment there, you're like, "Do they got it?"
"Maniscalco for two." You ever look with them?
[audience laughter]
Yes, right there. Thank God!
Now, when we go to our table, my wife thinks this is the best time
to have a conversation with me as we snake through a crowded restaurant.
My wife's turning around, "My mother's coming in May."
"So if you want,
we should tell your mother to come in July."
I go, "Babe, we lost the guy. I don't know where our table is."
"We're gonna have plenty of time to discuss this at the table."
"Let's find the host."
We sit down, all right?
My wife doesn't utilize her menu time appropriately.
[audience laughter]
She's gotta look around the restaurant, "Oh my God, did you see the…
crown molding."
I said, "Start reading, get your head in the menu."
"They're going to ask us questions."
"We need to be prepared with answers."
"Pick a protein, stop looking at the molding."
[audience laughter]
My wife don't know how a restaurant works. She never worked in one.
I've worked in restaurants my entire life.
I know the back of the house, the front of the house.
My wife don't know anything. She's flaggin' down busboys.
What? You don't flag down the busboy, all right?
He's got two jobs, he clears it and he sets it up.
He don't know the register, he don't know the specials,
and sometimes he don't know the language.
[audience laughter]
Generally speaking, the busboy is
a foreign male between the ages of 18 and 35.
All right?
Generally speaking.
My wife don't know foreign people.
She didn't grow up with foreigners. I grew up with foreigners.
My own father, foreigner.
Grandparents, foreign. Aunts, uncles--
I got a bunch of foreign people in my family, right?
I know how they behave.
Like if my father was here tonight and I didn't know him,
I would point him out and go, "That guy wasn't born here."
[audience laughter]
Just the way my father moves.
[audience laughter]
Those aren't American-born movements.
[audience laughter]
My wife flags down the busboy, right away I knew it would be a problem.
She's like, "Excuse me." I'm like, "Babe, what are you doing?"
Comes to the table.
She don't adjust her speech, her word choice. It's the same.
She talks to the busboy the same way she talks to me.
Like, "Sorry to bother you, but we actually can't find our waiter--"
I go, "Babe! You lost him already."
"He don't know, 'actually,' what are you stringing
sentences together for?"
"You gotta lob in keywords. Salt, napkin, ice--"
"Shit he knows, babe."
"He just arrived."
"He don't know, 'actuallys.'"
She asked him for a Tito's and soda.
I go, "Babe, the only Tito he knows is washin' dishes
in the back of the restaurant."
He's gonna go in the back, "Tito, they need you!"
[audience laughter]
He's gonna come out, "Hey, my name is Tito,
and soda, you need some soda in your juice?"
[audience laughter]
The waiter comes up. She's shocked, right?
She's been sitting with the menu for 25 minutes.
Waiter comes up, "What can I get you?" "Oh, my…"
"Oh my God!"
[audience laughter]
She gives me this one, "You go first." Ever get that? "You go first, babe."
"Okay. I'll get a filet with mixed vegetables."
"Back to you!"
"How long did you think I was gonna talk to this guy?"
[audience cheering]
Think I was gonna take him around the restaurant, hold his hand,
ask him what his dreams are, his hopes?
"You go first…"
It's not skydiving!
Tell the man…
But my wife and I, we're in a new chapter of our lives.
Got these two kids, five and three.
A five-year-old and a three-year-old, and I'm 49. I'm 49.
There's an age difference of 46 years
between my son and me. Okay?
Now, I love to play with him, don't get me wrong, but a lot of the play
is laying down. All right?
[audience laughter]
There's a lot of, "Let's bury Daddy tonight."
"His knees hurt, something's wrong with his shoulder."
It's a lot of lay and play, right?
My five-year-old daughter, she's in kindergarten.
She's got a kid in their class that identifies as a lion.
[audience laughter]
Comes to school with a tail, ears, and fur
around the wrists, right? [chuckles]
[audience laughter]
Goes by Roary. Listen…
[audience laughter]
I'm not making this up, I'm just reporting the news, people,
all right?
Twenty-three kids, one lion in the class.
[audience laughter]
I live in Los Angeles,
so you gotta be careful who you're talkin' to over there.
Got me and another dad waiting for the kids to come outta the class,
so I tapped him, I said, "You see the lion…
[audience laughter]
…they got in the class?"
He's like, "I know! Isn't that fabulous?"
And then I just floated away from that guy, huh?
[audience laughter]
Not gonna be talkin' to that guy the rest of the semester.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I don't blame the kid. I blame the parents.
Right?
-Huh. -[audience cheering]
Listen, kid probably came down in the morning dressed as a lion.
[audience chuckles]
Right?
Came down, "I'm a lion, Mommy. I'm a lion, Daddy!"
And the idiot parents, "Oh, he's a lion."
[audience laughter]
"Well, come on. Let's go to school, lion."
Now, if my kid comes down, he's dressed as a panda bear,
I tell him, "Get the fuck back upstairs and go put some jeans on."
"I'm not taking a panda bear to school, all right?"
That's it, done. We don't see that outfit ever again.
Daddy said no.
[audience laughter]
I got some people here,
looking over here, going, "What does it matter to you?"
"How does it affect you?"
It's affecting my daughter, okay?
She ain't learning nothin', 'cause this lion…
[audience laughter]
…is disruptive.
He's in the back of the class…
[grunts] …knockin' over books and desks, right?
The teacher's gotta stop what she's doin'.
Nowadays, you can't say nothin'.
Because if I say somethin', now, all of a sudden, I'm insensitive
to the lion's feelings.
I can't go up to the teacher, and go, "The fuck's up with this lion?"
[audience laughter]
"If he thinks he's a lion, bring in a cage, give him some raw meat."
"My kid don't know the alphabet…
[audience laughter]
…because Roary's in the back,
lookin' for zebras."
[audience laughter]
Can you believe we're even talkin' about this shit?
[audience laughter]
Now my son, I gotta take him to school too.
That's all I'm doin'. Doin' drop-offs.
Growin' up, nobody dropped us off.
We didn't get a ride
anywhere growin' up.
Especially to school.
I don't know how you people grew up, but in my house
my parents just told us, "Walk down the sidewalk
and when you see people your height, that's the school."
[audience laughter]
"Listen for your name, walk in the building."
"Hopefully you'll learn some shit."
[audience laughter]
Now I gotta take my son to school.
I gotta basically hand him off to the teacher, all right?
And you go to these schools, talk to the parents.
Listen, I don't wanna talk to anybody in the morning.
All right? You just wanna do your own thing.
But people love to talk in the morning. You ever talk to people?
[audience laughter]
You know how boring people are?
[audience laughter]
Ever get in these conversations? "What's going on?"
"Well, last month, we had COVID."
"My husband had 102 temperature."
Hey, listen…
[audience laughter]
Can you listen to this? I can't listen to this.
I need to hear some stuff.
When I talk to you,
if I ask you what's going on, I need to hear… "What's going on?"
"I had an affair last night."
[audience laughter]
"You did? What happened?"
That's what I wanna hear. I don't wanna hear about your cold.
[audience laughter]
When I take my son up to the classroom, I hold his hand.
He wants to be picked up. I don't pick him up.
Said, "I gave you a ride. Now, come on, walk."
Approachin' the class, I see an Asian guy, an Asian father.
[silence]
Look how quiet it got on "Asian father." You believe that?
I said "Asian father," everybody in the room,
their ass just tightened up.
"Ooh. Where we goin' with this?"
"Why would you do that?"
[audience laughter]
This is what happened in the country the last six or seven years.
You can't even mention someone's background in describing them.
It's not meant to be derogatory.
Growin' up, it's how you knew who you were talking about
in the neighborhood.
You'd be sitting in the neighborhood, and be like, "What guy?"
"The Puerto Rican guy." "Oh, I know him."
[audience laughter]
Today, you got people in this room, right now,
lookin' up here going, "What does it matter?"
[audience laughter]
"Why would you even mention that?"
[audience cheering]
"What does it matter?" It matters.
At the end of the story,
you're gonna find out why I said, "Asian guy," all right?
Loosen up your hole, it's okay.
It's all right.
[audience cheering]
Nice guy, comes up to me, like, "Hi,
I'm the room dad."
I said, "Wha-- What's--"
[audience laughter]
"What's a room dad?"
He's like, "I'm in charge of all the dads socially,
we get together once a month."
"We're going over to Christopher's house on Tuesday for an ugly sweater night."
"If you wanna wear your ugliest sweater, we're gonna…
talk about being a dad, maybe open up some Diet Cokes."
[audience laughter]
So I said, "Listen, uh…"
Listen, I'm nice. If you talk to me, I'll talk right back at you.
But I'm 49 years old, and I'm not actively pursuin' new friendships
at my age, all right?
I'm lookin' to lose people in my life.
[audience laughter]
We're doin' a massive layoff at the Maniscalco household.
[audience laughter]
Not accepting
new applicants.
So I tell him, "It's nice of you to offer. Can't make it."
"But keep me in mind for the next sweater event, maybe I'll pop in."
We're lookin' at the class and he points out his son.
It's the only Asian kid
in the class.
He's like, "That's my boy." I'm like, "I know."
[audience laughter]
But again, you got people in this room lookin' up,
goin', "You are so closed-minded."
[audience laughter]
"How dare you assume?"
"Don't you think there's other possibilities?"
"Maybe the Asian father adopted the Black child
and the Black father adopted the Asian child."
Listen, if I'm puttin' money on who this Asian kid's goin' home with,
it's this guy, all right?
[audience laughter]
Put $100 on the table, I wanna see how PC you get.
Where I'm from, these two came in the same car.
[audience laughter]
All right?
Now, my kid walks in, right?
My kid's like raising a chimpanzee, this kid's all over the map.
Just comes in.
Takes his shirt off, ripped his shirt off. Beautiful.
I gotta tell you, as an Italian father,
to see my son rip his shirt off in front of 13 of his classmates,
was a proud moment for me, right?
[audience laughter]
I get him ready for school. I dress him up,
I put his shoes on and socks, a little cologne on him. Just a touch.
[audience laughter]
Just decorate his ear with a little cologne, all right?
I want him to get used to having his own scent.
Plus, when the teacher helps him out, she's like, "Okay, we're gonna--"
[sniffs]
"The fuck do you have on?"
[audience laughter]
My son goes get some crayons and a coloring book,
comes right over to the girls,
just bypasses the guys,
right into the chicks.
Sharin' his crayons.
"Take a green. You want my green? Take my green."
I'm watchin' this and now the teacher's gotta come over
and fart on my dinner, all right?
She's like, "You wanna put your son's shirt back on?"
I said, "For what?"
[audience laughter]
"He's havin' a ball, look at him!"
"There's a lion in the other class."
[audience laughter]
She's like, "We don't want these kids to remove their clothing."
"Could you please do something?" I said, "All right, I got you."
I said, "Come here. Come here!"
[audience laughter]
"Put your shirt back on, all right? People are jealous."
[audience laughter]
"I know you're upset, we'll take it off at the grocery store on the way home."
[audience laughter]
And I tell him,
"Listen, you share your toys while you're here."
"You respect your teachers."
"You say, 'please and thank you.' You understand?"
"Get back in there." A little slap on the ass.
He walks back in the class. That's how I talk to my son.
There's no baby talk.
I know some fathers do baby talk
to their son.
"You share your toys, okay?"
"Share your toys. Be nice."
No, I talk to my son
like he's in the Union Local 606
working in a warehouse 15 hours
on a forklift.
I start to leave and the teacher's like, "Excuse me, where you going?"
I said, "I'll be back at 3:00 to pick him up."
She's like, "No, we actually encourage parents to participate
in the learning process, so if you'd like to stay a few hours--"
Few hours?
[audience laughter]
What the hell am I gonna do? I don't do this.
I don't teach.
Right? I don't know what these schools are doing now.
The schools I grew up in were volatile, the teachers were drunk,
the kids were fightin', people were stealin', I don't know.
What am I gonna do?
Everything's so nice now. The teachers come out.
Everything's a song.
Teacher comes out.
♪ We look at the clock And what does it say? ♪
[audience laughter]
♪ Five minutes to play ♪
[audience laughter]
No idea.
Teacher's like, "We're gonna sit in a circle, everybody."
"Sit in a big circle."
"Grab your child. Big circle."
I'm like, "You want us to sit Indian-style?"
[audience laughter]
"Yeah, well…
we don't say…
[mouthing] …Indian-style."
"It's crisscross applesauce."
[audience laughter]
What?
Crisscross, what?
[audience laughter]
I had no idea the Indians got upset
and had a meeting and said, "They stole our style too,
this is bullshit."
[audience laughter]
"This has gotta stop."
No one knows what to say.
You don't know what's off-limits, right?
Until you say it and somebody says, "You're in trouble."
In some states, if you wanna sell your own home
in the description of the home,
you can't even say you got a walk-in closet.
Can you believe it? Can't say walk-in closet anymore.
Why?
Not everybody walks.
[audience laughter]
You're telling me a guy in a wheelchair
is gonna go look at a home, right…
[audience laughter]
…and the real estate agent's gonna go, "And this is the walk-in closet."
And he'd go, "What the fuck did you just say?"
"I don't walk."
[audience laughter]
World's upside down.
All right?
They say it's better today.
Look around, it sucks. Sucks.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I grew up in the '70s, '80s.
I was a kid back then,
and I'd reflect back on those times.
It seemed a little simpler. My birthday parties were simple.
I had water balloon fights.
Remember water balloon fights?
My family's too cheap to buy the balloon that held the water.
We had little balloons that we had to fill up, kept popping off the--
[chuckling] Remember?
Filling up a balloon? Pssht!
Shit! God!
Eighteen rubber rings around the kitchen faucet
by the end of the party.
Three balloons you got.
[audience laughter]
But once you got the balloon,
you couldn't wait to hit the kid that you couldn't stand.
He would dart across the yard and--
[blows] Pssht!
Right in his ear, man, the balloon went in his ear canal.
Went deaf, the kid--
[audience laughter]
Kid couldn't hear nothin' for three months out of his ear.
Came home from the party, parents were, "How was it?"
"Can't hear nothing. It was a wicked party. Balloon."
[audience laughter]
Nobody got sued.
[audience laughter]
Back in the '70s, if you went to a birthday party,
it was understood you could lose a finger, eyesight.
Hearing loss.
Played games growing up at our parties, with food.
I remember food bein' a big part of our birthday parties.
Seventh birthday party, my mother brought out a two-foot zucchini.
She's like, "We're gonna play Gagootz."
[audience laughter]
"What?"
"Don't we have pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?"
"What the hell is…
Gagootz?"
She lined up the kids and took a zucchini
and put it in between
the boy's knees.
There's a seven-year-old boy with a two-foot
zucchini
comin' out of his kneecaps.
[audience laughter]
The object of the game was you…
You had to turn to your left
and give it to the kid, and the other kid clamped on.
[audience laughter]
[chuckling] I mean…
The other kid
gave it…
If the zucchini fell on the ground, you were eliminated from the game.
And the last one with the zucchini,
got to keep it.
That was the prize.
[audience laughter]
Brought home a zucchini from my party.
[audience laughter]
Parents were like, "What's this?" "I don't know, it's a Gagatza."
"I don't know."
"But they gave us a recipe, they said to slice it,
dip it in egg and bread crumb and fry it."
"It makes for a good snack."
"What?"
"This is at a seven-year-old's birthday party?"
"Yeah."
Another game, my mother brought out pantyhose.
And she tied a leg around the kid's waist.
Then she took a potato and stuck it down the other leg into the foot,
so the kid…
[chuckling]
…the kid had a potato
hanging from his crotch.
[audience laughter]
She did this with two kids.
She brought 'em to the sidewalk.
And she put a lemon in front of each kid
and it was a race that they had to hit the potato
to the lemon.
[audience laughter]
This is on a Saturday afternoon.
Nobody called the police.
This was just a normal
birthday party.
Feels like it was yesterday.
Now?
I got these kids, I'm gettin' older.
I'm not one of these guys that complains,
"Ugh, I'm old." No.
Just gettin' older and startin' to see some changes in myself, all right?
I'm claustrophobic now.
It happened two years ago. I was never claustrophobic.
I was on an airplane, sitting at the window
mid-flight, the middle of the flight, I'm like--
"Gotta get outta here!" I don't know what happened.
[audience laughter]
I can't go to something like this.
I cannot go
to something like this. I don't know where I'm gonna sit.
I can't be confined.
Last time I did anything like this was four years ago.
My wife and I went to go see Hamilton on Broadway.
Everybody was talkin' about Hamilton, you'd run into these people.
"Have you seen it?"
"Oh my God. It is amazing."
"We saw it, oh… How many times?"
"How many times did we see it?"
[audience chuckling]
"Three times, we saw it three times."
"And each time it was just an ex…"
[audience laughter]
"It changed me as a-- It changed me."
All right? As soon as I hear that, I'm like, "I ain't gonna like this."
[audience laughter]
My kids changed me, not Lin-Manuel.
So we go.
All right? My wife and I sit down.
This woman sits next to me.
She's diggin' in her purse. It's killing me, right?
She's-- I'm like, "Find it! I gotta get outta here."
"Babe, we gotta leave,
I can't deal with this shit with the purse."
"I don't know what she's looking for, but it's killin' me."
So this thing starts, all right?
Ten minutes into Hamilton,
I tap my wife, I go, "I got no idea what's goin' on."
[audience laughter]
I didn't understand it. I couldn't understand the rapping.
I'm like, "What'd he say?"
The characters. I don't even know what Hamilton did.
I went to this play to find out why this guy was so fabulous, all right?
And you gotta understand something about my wife and I, we are dumb.
All right. Like, as a couple, we're equally dumb.
[audience laughter]
You don't find this in a lot of relationships.
In a normal healthy relationship,
someone is always smarter than the other person
and you rely on the smart one to get you through movies, books,
and life.
We don't have this dynamic.
I'll tap my wife, I go, "You know what's going on?" "No, you?"
"Nothing."
We just sit there, dumb-dumb.
[audience laughter]
So, at halftime, we--
[audience laughter]
I thought the thing was over, the lights came on, I'm like, "Thank God."
"Let's go eat some oysters."
I find out we got two and a half hours of this
thing left.
I don't like an intermission, burn through the damn thing.
I don't wanna get up at a half-hour. We go out.
We saw another couple we know, highly intelligent couple.
All right? We get in a conversation with them.
They're rattling off US presidents, wars, events.
Ever get in conversations with people who are highly intelligent?
In my head I'm like, "I can't add shit to this conversation."
I'm just nodding.
"Yeah, nah, the 1700s…"
[audience laughter]
"Long time, y'know? It was a long time ago."
"Nah, long time, the 1700s. Long time. Long time."
"Long time."
"Long time ago."
This guy's lookin' at his playbill, telling me about the actors.
I felt bad, I got my playbill rolled up into a tube
and I'm playin' a Bon Jovi song on my leg.
[audience cheering]
So I turned to my wife, "You wanna go back in there?"
"I have no idea what's going on. No way I'm pickin' it up midway through."
My wife is like, "I know, babe, I'm so lost."
"I have no idea what's goin' on either."
"I had no idea Hamilton was Black."
[audience laughter]
"Let's get outta here."
"Don't ever repeat that to another human being."
"That is a Black actor playing Hamilton."
"Let's get outta here. We're dumber than shit."
"Get in the car. Take your shoes off. Let's get out of here."
"We're lost."
[audience cheering]
Dumb.
Anytime my wife and I go out, when we go back to the house,
she's always shocked how fast I get into bed. All right?
I don't know what you people do
after a night out, but I go home, I brush my teeth, take my clothes, boom.
Right in bed.
There's no washin' the face. I just washed it two hours ago, what?
[grunts]
A sink bath after goin' out for an hour and a half?
My wife always walks in the bedroom, "Oh my God!"
"You're in bed already?" "Yeah."
"It's nighttime."
"What did you think I was goin' to do? Cut the lawn? Get in. Get in!"
[audience laughter]
I don't know what she does in that bathroom.
[audience laughter]
The noises that are comin' outta there.
The water going "Pssht"…
"Pssht-pssht."
[audience chuckling]
She comes out rolling her face with some spiked roll.
I go, "Is-- You're bleeding! Is that helping you?"
[audience laughter]
"My mother uses that to make pasta."
"Why are you using that on your foreh--"
Then she puts some Korean mask on.
As soon as you see the mask, "No sex tonight! There goes that!"
[audience laughter]
I'm gonna make love to a hockey goalie?
[audience laughter]
"Just blink, babe, so I know you're enjoying this."
"You under that thing?"
And my side table, I got nothing on it. I got a lamp and that's it.
Her side, eight bottles of water, right?
A mouth guard, eye drops, Tylenol.
What the fuck are you doin' on your side of the bed?
How long?
Now we get in.
We gotta find something to watch. My wife hasn't seen one movie.
This one hasn't seen a movie in her whole life.
Shawshank came on. I go, "You gotta watch this."
"It's a great movie."
She's like, "I can't watch this movie." I go, "Why not?"
She's like, "It's started already."
I go, "It's five minutes in. I'll get you up to speed."
She's like, "I can't watch a movie that's already started."
Like, my wife needs to see the lion--
[roars]
[audience laughter]
Some of you didn't even get that. Like, "There's a lion in Shawshank?"
[audience laughter]
"I don't remember a lion walking around the prison yard with Morgan Freeman."
The problem
in our relationship is I worry.
She don't worry about nothin', all right?
My fear is having a home invasion.
That's my biggest fear.
Growin' up, our house got robbed three separate times.
As an adult, I got a fear of wakin' up at four o'clock in the morning,
and I got another guy in my bedroom.
Now, I don't got a gun, I got nothing against guns.
But again, I'm 49 years old and I'm not pickin' up any new skill sets
at my age.
I feel gun owners have a good grasp of their gun.
They go to the range, they got a lock and key for it, keep it in the cabinet.
Plus I feel when a gun owner hears somebody breaking into their home,
the gun owner gets happy.
[audience laughter]
Hears a little jiggle at the door,
he's like, "Oh yeah!"
[audience laughter]
He tells his wife, "Just lay there, babe."
"I know you got a big day. I'm gonna go take care of this guy."
Last month, our alarm went off.
This thing is loud, woke me right out of a dead sleep.
And my wife, my wife don't wake up.
Like tonight, I'll probably go to bed at two o'clock
and then I'll get up, I'll think it's morning.
I'll look at the clock, 2:09.
[audience laughter]
I sleep in nine-minute increments throughout the night.
My wife goes to bed, wakes up in the same position.
Her side in the morning, beautiful.
Everything's tucked in, the pillows are layered.
Hair is cascading off the sheets.
My side, I look like I got in a fight with a shark.
[audience laughter]
Everything's untucked, I'm missing pillowcases.
I'm wet. Why am I wet?
[audience laughter]
My neck is drenched.
I gotta wring out my underwear.
What the hell happened to me last night
where I gotta flip the mattress over in the morning?
Why am I soaked?
Why am I drenched?
[audience laughter]
So the alarm went off
last month and my wife don't get up.
I'm up right away, and I'm not one of these guys that goes and handles it.
All right.
I'm like, "Get up! Get up!"
[audience laughter]
She's like, "What's goin' on?" I said, "The alarm!"
"The alarm's on!"
She's like, "Oh, just go look."
"I'm gonna go look, take two to the head, while you escape out the back
with our two kids and start another family with some other guy?"
"Fuck that. Get on my back. We're goin' out together."
"Go look."
[audience laughter]
"The hell you think you married? Rambo? Let's go together."
"Look…"
I just wish I was a little bit more aggressive that way, all right?
Tryin' to teach my kid to be that way, you know, a little bit more manly.
We got him in soccer, we put him in soccer.
It's not even soccer. I don't know what this is.
It's about eight three-year-olds, just runnin' around.
The ball don't move.
[audience laughter]
I take him
to this park in Los Angeles.
It's a big park.
They got like basketball courts. They got a playground.
Heroin. It's nice.
[audience laughter]
It's a nice place
to raise a family.
And I'm the type of guy, I just bring my son, I don't bring a bag
with snacks,
water, change of clothes, nothin'.
It's just me and him, all right?
All the other parents, they got blankets, they're layin' out picnic blankets.
Puttin' up umbrellas.
They got fruit plates.
It's not Coachella, it's a 45-minute practice.
There's a lot of dogs runnin' around this park off-leash.
Now, I know this is unpopular to say, I'm not a big dog guy.
Okay? I'm sorry. I know there's pet owners in here, some dog lovers.
I know you're goin' into a panic attack right now,
just hearin' somebody say that,
but when I was six, I got mauled by a German Shepherd. Okay?
So when your dog comes up to me, I'm not-- [fake laughter]
I'm not in on it, all right?
It's a threat. I take a couple steps back and I assess it.
Now, I'm looking at the practice and from afar,
I see a dog running at such a high rate of speed,
I can't even make out the breed on this thing, right?
So, it zips through, it almost clips my son's head.
"Whoosh." Just right through the practice.
I even had to ask the family, "Was that a cheetah?"
"What the hell just ran through here?"
And I look, it's a Greyhound.
Now, listen, I'm sorry,
you don't own a Greyhound.
All right?
Top speed on this thing
is 48 miles per hour. All right?
They're a sight hound, which means, once they see something,
they go and get it, and they don't stop until they retrieve it.
I don't know if you've ever seen one run, it is frightening.
The ears are pinned back and…
[barks]
[audience laughter]
[barks]
This thing ain't street-legal. It's kickin' up sod.
I think I split my pants on that,
I don't know what's goin' on in the back of my ass, but somethin' happened.
There's a draft. I don't even wanna look.
[audience laughter]
No, I wanted…
I wanted to get in shape for this thing.
I gotta get in shape for this Netflix special, gotta fit into the suit.
And, uh, it didn't work. I tell you, this is tight.
Tight.
I'm lookin' around the casino, some people still got their masks on.
All right?
You wanna wear the damn thing, wear it. I don't care. I got other problems,
to worry about you and your mask.
I'm not one of these people-- "Can ya--?" No, I got shit goin' on.
All right? You wanna wear the mask, wear it.
People are passionate about their masks, you see these mask people?
"Got my mask."
They make a necklace for it. "I make a necklace for it
just in case I have to take it off. It just dangles right here."
"I have another in case someone didn't bring their mask."
"I have extra."
That's fine. You wanna do that? That's fine.
Then you got the other half, "Fuck the masks! I ain't wearing it!"
[audience laughter]
"I ain't wearin' no mask!"
"Nobody gonna tell me
what to do." Fine.
All right. You wanna be on that team?
Be on that team. I don't care. Either way.
I don't care. I just know me.
I got bad luck, bad.
Bad luck.
I don't talk bad about this virus.
No matter where we are in this pandemic, I never make fun of the virus.
Not gonna be one of these guys.
You see these guys walkin' around,
"Yo, this is a scam!" Next thing you know--
[gasping]
No!
[chuckles]
[audience laughter]
I'm not gonna be on my deathbed, "Get the vaccine!" No!
I got the vaccine and to be honest, I didn't get it to save my life.
I really didn't.
I didn't get it to save your life.
[audience laughter]
I got this thing, same reason why a lot of Italians went to go get it.
As soon as the Italian community found out, if you get COVID,
you lose your ability to taste food…
[audience laughter]
…scared the shit out of us. I ran to get this thing.
I got two, Moderna and Pfizer, just pump me full of this.
I don't care if I die from the vaccine,
at least I'm gonna die with the taste of meatballs in my mouth. All right?
Not goin' 15 months without tasting food. Rather be dead.
I got the vaccine at Walgreens.
I was hopin' for a medical facility.
With trained professionals, not a store
that sells People Magazine, tampons, and Bubble Yum.
That doesn't sound healthy to me.
I was nervous, I was in line.
Over the intercom, I hear, "Assistance in vaccines."
Then the guy stockin' Gatorades ran into the pharmacy.
[audience laughter]
Now I'm nervous, I'm lookin' up there.
There was a question that was throwing a lot of people off.
The question was, "What arm do you want your shot in?"
I get up there, guy's askin' me questions.
"You allergic to anything?"
I said, "I'm not gonna give you my medical history
in the middle of Walgreens."
"Just give me the shot and we'll find out."
[audience laughter]
So he jabs me with this thing, I start to bleed.
I'm like, "Is this normal?"
He's like, "Oh my God."
[audience laughter]
"Come on, bro."
"Lie to me, make something up, tell me 2% of the people get it,
bleed, I'm nervous."
He's like, "I've never seen anybody bleed like this before."
[audience laughter]
[blows]
"You want some Gatorade or something? Got some orange, grape, frost."
"You want a frost?"
"What flavor?"
Then they tell you to wait, I don't know who's makin' up the rules.
After the shot, they tell you to wait 15 minutes
and like an idiot, I'm like, "Okay. Wait 15 minutes. Right here."
"How long you been here?"
"Eight minutes, just waitin' to pass away,
nothin' yet, though."
"I think I'm gonna make it. I think it's pretty good."
"Guy next to me had a rash on his inner thigh."
"I don't know if he came in with that… but I think I'm gonna be good."
[audience laughter]
Fifteen minutes. And if something does happen,
what the fuck is Walgreens gonna do?
Are they gonna call the cashier?
"He's foamin' at the mouth!" "Oh my God."
"If this was a return, I'd be able to help you out, but jeez."
"This is above my pay grade. It don't look good, man."
[audience laughter]
Fifteen minutes.
No one went to their car at 17 minutes and were like--
[audience laughter]
Fifteen minutes, you're gonna make it. You're gonna live.
I don't know. I'm trying to reduce some stress in my life, I get like
aggravated quick.
I went to a coffee house. This was last week.
I was in a neighborhood that I'm generally not in,
but I'm dyin' for a coffee.
Normally we all have our own coffee places you go to on a regular basis.
I was outta that. I was in a different city.
Walked into this, like a hipster coffee-- Ever get hipster coffee?
Walked in, everybody had like a sticker on their laptop.
[audience laughter]
If you're a 42-year-old grown man
and you got a sticker
of Chewbacca on your MacBook Pro, you might wanna re-evaluate
where you're goin' the rest of your life.
I'm in line. I'm lookin' at the guy makin' coffee,
he's got a half-top on.
Right away, I'm upset.
[audience laughter]
Just hair all over-- Oh, come on, bro.
It's eight in the morning, I don't wanna see hair
funneling into a belly hole.
This guy had no--
No belly button. Had a belly hole--
Do you know what lives in a belly hole?
If you got one, go home tonight, take an air duster,
blow it in your hole and watch what falls out on your table. All right?
If you're workin' food and beverage with an exposed belly hole,
you might as well have your left nut hangin' outta your shorts.
It's the same thing. Nut, hole, hair, just get your hole
away from the scones.
[audience laughter]
This guy's goin' in for a croissant,
and his hole is up against the scones, no one's seein' this? Apron!
And the workforce we got out there today, piss poor.
The labor force?
Ever order something from someone and in your head, you're like,
"I ain't getting that. That's not coming out."
I ordered the coffee from him and then he told me to go wait over there.
This is awkward. When you're in a coffee place,
you gotta wait
with other people
for your coffee.
It's an awkward entrance into that group, right, 'cause you come in and--
"Hi!"
"What are you guys waiting for? A coffee?"
"What'd you get?"
"I got a cappuccino. You?"
"I don't know, whatever he feels like makin' me."
I ordered a hot coffee and he brought out iced coffee and I'm like, "Okay."
"Looks like I'm drinking it cold."
I'm not one of these guys that stops the whole op-- "Excuse me!"
"I ordered a hot coffee."
"I got an iced coffee."
What are you gonna do? It's gonna throw this guy's whole day off.
He's not gonna be able to process that.
You give him a whole different thing. He was gonna make a--
A cappuccino.
"I was gonna make a cappuccino, now he said…"
"He said he wants hot coffee."
I just took the iced coffee. No straw.
They don't give you a straw.
You gotta ask, and it's made outta chalk and plywood.
I don't know what's going on with the straws.
I don't know, apparently a turtle died in the ocean.
Now I gotta get a brain aneurysm trying to suck liquid
through a straw made out of drywall.
Just bring the straws back.
[audience laughter]
They're disintegrating.
In the middle of the drink. [spits]
Nah, it's good. One turtle died for this shit?
[spitting]
I was FaceTiming my dad, my dad is 76 years old, all right?
He's falling apart.
If you got parents in this age range,
everything hurts, right?
Every time you talk to them, they're gonna tell you what's goin' on
with their body. All right?
I FaceTime him last week, ask, "What's going on?"
"What's going on?! I can't see nothing outta my left eye."
"That's what."
Every time I call, it's something different,
the pain travels.
I call him up, "What's up with the eye?"
"Not the eye anymore. Look at this. I can't move my hand."
"I got a claw now for a hand. I can't move it."
Ever see your parents aging just right in front of you?
He called me yesterday on FaceTime.
He's like, "Did I call you, or did you call me?" What?
[audience laughter]
He recently told me what's gonna happen when he dies.
Italians talk about death, it's really out in the open.
Especially old-school Italians.
They pay for everything while they're alive,
so the kids don't have to do it.
He's like, "When I die, you cry. That's it."
"You call Mario at the Cumberland Funeral Home when I die,
that's it."
"Everything's paid for, in advance."
You don't see Italians on Facebook doing a fundraiser for Nonno's casket.
All right?
Shit's taken care of.
He told me he don't wanna go in the ground, he got a drawer…
in a mausoleum.
He's like, "Come on, I want you to see it."
"I wanna take you to the mausoleum, see what I bought."
It was a wall.
"Come on, we'll go."
So, we're there,
he's like, "I'm the third one in on the top."
"Your mother's gonna go in first."
"I don't wanna go in the back. She's gonna go in first."
"And then I wanna be by the wall."
[chuckles]
"What does it matter? You're dead."
"'Cause I wanna be by the wall, just in case they gotta take me out."
I go, "Yeah, but now-- Why don't you get one down here?"
"So I could put some flowers there."
He goes, "Are you nuts? They want an extra 20 grand."
I said, "Put me by the ceiling. Take the 20 grand,
split it between you and your sister."
I go, "Now I gotta crane my head when I--"
"I gotta throw shit up there."
[yells]
"I love you."
My dad wants the whole thing, a wake. The whole thing.
He don't want no-- People do this now, celebration of life, right?
He's like, "I don't want a celebration, I don't want anybody happy when I die!"
[audience laughter]
We went out to dinner recently.
We're having the dinner.
I told him, I gotta go to the bathroom.
He's like, "Me too. Let's go."
I'm like, "No. You go."
"Then you come back, and I'll go."
Like, "What, you gonna be alone here? I'm gonna be alone?"
"We'll go together."
Okay, so…
My father and I, we go to the restroom together.
Now, he takes the stall, I take a urinal.
Now, my father has an enlarged prostate, right?
Which means when he goes to the bathroom, it's not a steady stream.
It comes out in sections.
Okay?
Now he's in there and he's swearing while he's going to the bathroom.
He's like,
"Sa--! Fuck, come on!"
[grunts]
"Pssht-pssht!"
"See-- uh, you bitch!"
"Come on, you fuck!"
"Pssht!"
[yells]
While this is going on, another guy walks in.
And he gets to the urinal next to me.
This guy's loud. Ever get these loud pissers that come in?
Everything they do is like--
[groans loudly]
[groans]
What's going on with your upper respiratory system
that you're coming into a public restroom this way?
Then he leans on the wall. Ever see a guy, he's gotta put a hand up?
What happened to you the last time you went?
Did you fall in?
And now you gotta brace yourself to go? What?
Then he starts texting.
He's got one hand here and he starts texting.
Listen, you gotta remain in contact with this at all times.
You can't let this go, it could go all over the wall.
You gotta remain in contact with it, all right?
Now while this is going on, my father is still--
[cursing in Italian]
[in English] "I'm hungry, come on! Goddamn shit-s!"
And this guy
he starts to go. I don't know what's coming out of him.
It's like, honey, it's thick. Ever get these thick pissers?
[chuckles]
He's pissing on the urinal cake and it's loud.
It's just, "Get off the cake, man."
He's like pissing honey, it's just like--
When I go, I'm quiet, it's quiet.
I go off to the left-hand side, it just runs down the gutter
and trickles into the drain quiet.
I piss like a Tesla.
[audience laughter]
You guys are great. God bless, Las Vegas.
Thanks for coming out to the show.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[big band music playing]
[audience cheering]
[big band music continues]