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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[big band music playing]

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[Sebastian]
Vegas, the jewel of the desert.

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People here come in all shapes and sizes.

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While today,
the hotels are taller and shinier,

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the clientele has,
let's face it, lost some of its sheen.

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My favorite Vegas is from a bygone era,

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when cash was king.

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When everybody smoked,

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drank martinis,

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and dressed to impress.

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And when the Rat Pack ruled.

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[big band music continues]

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[Sebastian] That's the Vegas I dream of.

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That's the Vegas
I'd like to bring back to life.

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[big band music continues]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

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Sebastian Maniscalco!

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[audience cheering]

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[cheering continues]

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Wow. Give it up for Las Vegas, Nevada,
huh?

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[audience cheering]

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[sighs]

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So, I wanted to do like a throwback

26
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to when people dressed up…

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[audience whooping]

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…in Las Vegas.

29
00:02:06,751 --> 00:02:07,585
Um…

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So I gotta thank the people
that actually took the time…

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to put a suit on or a dress.

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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah. Nice.

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Appreciate it.

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Uh, by the looks of it, no…

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a lot of people didn't really,
uh, do that.

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[audience laughter]

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That's nice.
Nice to see couples out on the weekend.

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My wife and I, we don't go out
on the weekends, 'cause I generally work.

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So we go out on Tuesday.

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That's our date night.

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Everybody says you have to have
a date night when you have kids.

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Like, "You need a date night!"

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[audience chuckling]

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"For you and your wife to connect."

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So now we go out and
we argue without the kids.

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-[audience laughter]
-It's nice.

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We get a lot more accomplished

48
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without the kids bein' there. It's good.

49
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I love my wife Lana to death,
but she's not, uh…

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she's got no urgency, there's no…

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[audience laughter]

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[grunts]

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When we park the car,
our doors never open at the same…

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time.

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I always get outta the car,
I shut the door,

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I look, she's still in the vehicle.

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[audience laughing and applauding]

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And I'm waiting, I'm like,
"She's gotta notice I've exited

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the car, that's gotta click in."

60
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But nothin'.

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I gotta go to her side
and knock on the window and go,

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"What the fuck are you doin'?"

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[audience laughing and whooping]

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She's always lookin' for something.

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There's a full Sephora

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on the console. What the… [laughs]

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She's lookin' in the back.

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What are you looking in--
We didn't go in the back!

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What's in the back?

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Her shoes are off.

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[audience laughter]

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It's a ten-minute ride,
she loses her shoes. Wha--

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She wears heels, they hurt.
I get it. I get it, okay?

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But if it was me,
I'd look at the GPS and go, "Oh."

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"We're three minutes away, maybe I should…

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[audience laughter]

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…start reassembling my feet."

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And when she gets outta the car,
she can't even walk in these heels.

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It looks like a "Thriller" video
across the parking lot.

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[audience laughter]

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[audience whooping]

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She's like, "Don't I look sexy, babe?"

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[audience laughter]

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"Don't I look sexy?"

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I'm like, "Yeah, I'm hard already."

86
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"Just get into the restaurant,
people are lookin' at you."

87
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"It don't look good."

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"Don't look good, babe."

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And we get into the restaurant.

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Always make a reservation,
I think you gotta do that.

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You feel proud.

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You feel proud
when you make a reservation.

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Soon as you walk in, you see people
milling around in the lobby.

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You tap your wife, like,
"They probably don't have a reservation."

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[audience laughter]

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And you give your name--

97
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You're kinda nervous sometimes
when you give your name.

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Like there's a moment there, you're like,
"Do they got it?"

99
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"Maniscalco for two."
You ever look with them?

100
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[audience laughter]

101
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Yes, right there. Thank God!

102
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Now, when we go to our table,
my wife thinks this is the best time

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to have a conversation with me
as we snake through a crowded restaurant.

104
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My wife's turning around,
"My mother's coming in May."

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"So if you want,

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we should tell
your mother to come in July."

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I go, "Babe, we lost the guy.
I don't know where our table is."

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"We're gonna have plenty of time
to discuss this at the table."

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"Let's find the host."

110
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We sit down, all right?

111
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My wife doesn't utilize
her menu time appropriately.

112
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[audience laughter]

113
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She's gotta look around the restaurant,
"Oh my God, did you see the…

114
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crown molding."

115
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I said, "Start reading,
get your head in the menu."

116
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"They're going to ask us questions."

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"We need to be prepared with answers."

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"Pick a protein,
stop looking at the molding."

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[audience laughter]

120
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My wife don't know how a restaurant works.
She never worked in one.

121
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I've worked in restaurants my entire life.

122
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I know the back of the house,
the front of the house.

123
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My wife don't know anything.
She's flaggin' down busboys.

124
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What? You don't flag down
the busboy, all right?

125
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He's got two jobs,
he clears it and he sets it up.

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He don't know the register,
he don't know the specials,

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and sometimes he don't know the language.

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[audience laughter]

129
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Generally speaking, the busboy is

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a foreign male
between the ages of 18 and 35.

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All right?

132
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Generally speaking.

133
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My wife don't know foreign people.

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She didn't grow up with foreigners.
I grew up with foreigners.

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My own father, foreigner.

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Grandparents, foreign. Aunts, uncles--

137
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I got a bunch of foreign people
in my family, right?

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I know how they behave.

139
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Like if my father was here tonight
and I didn't know him,

140
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I would point him out and go,
"That guy wasn't born here."

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[audience laughter]

142
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Just the way my father moves.

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[audience laughter]

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Those aren't American-born movements.

145
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[audience laughter]

146
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My wife flags down the busboy,
right away I knew it would be a problem.

147
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She's like, "Excuse me."
I'm like, "Babe, what are you doing?"

148
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Comes to the table.

149
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She don't adjust her speech,
her word choice. It's the same.

150
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She talks to the busboy
the same way she talks to me.

151
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Like, "Sorry to bother you,
but we actually can't find our waiter--"

152
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I go, "Babe! You lost him already."

153
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"He don't know, 'actually,'
what are you stringing

154
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sentences together for?"

155
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"You gotta lob in keywords.
Salt, napkin, ice--"

156
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"Shit he knows, babe."

157
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"He just arrived."

158
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"He don't know, 'actuallys.'"

159
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She asked him for a Tito's and soda.

160
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I go, "Babe, the only Tito he knows
is washin' dishes

161
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in the back of the restaurant."

162
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He's gonna go in the back,
"Tito, they need you!"

163
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[audience laughter]

164
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He's gonna come out,
"Hey, my name is Tito,

165
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and soda,
you need some soda in your juice?"

166
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,621
[audience laughter]

167
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The waiter comes up. She's shocked, right?

168
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,966
She's been sitting with the menu
for 25 minutes.

169
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Waiter comes up, "What can I get you?"
"Oh, my…"

170
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"Oh my God!"

171
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,723
[audience laughter]

172
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:45,728
She gives me this one, "You go first."
Ever get that? "You go first, babe."

173
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"Okay. I'll get a filet
with mixed vegetables."

174
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"Back to you!"

175
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:55,279
"How long did you think
I was gonna talk to this guy?"

176
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,114
[audience cheering]

177
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Think I was gonna take him around
the restaurant, hold his hand,

178
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,704
ask him what his dreams are, his hopes?

179
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,624
"You go first…"

180
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It's not skydiving!

181
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:10,503
Tell the man…

182
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,140
But my wife and I,
we're in a new chapter of our lives.

183
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Got these two kids, five and three.

184
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:35,236
A five-year-old and a three-year-old,
and I'm 49. I'm 49.

185
00:11:35,319 --> 00:11:39,990
There's an age difference of 46 years

186
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:43,411
between my son and me. Okay?

187
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:47,331
Now, I love to play with him,
don't get me wrong, but a lot of the play

188
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,916
is laying down. All right?

189
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:50,292
[audience laughter]

190
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There's a lot of,
"Let's bury Daddy tonight."

191
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:57,383
"His knees hurt,
something's wrong with his shoulder."

192
00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,594
It's a lot of lay and play, right?

193
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:07,810
My five-year-old daughter,
she's in kindergarten.

194
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:12,982
She's got a kid in their class
that identifies as a lion.

195
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,570
[audience laughter]

196
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:22,533
Comes to school with a tail, ears, and fur

197
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,036
around the wrists, right? [chuckles]

198
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,748
[audience laughter]

199
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,750
Goes by Roary. Listen…

200
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:31,834
[audience laughter]

201
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:35,337
I'm not making this up,
I'm just reporting the news, people,

202
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,547
all right?

203
00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:39,467
Twenty-three kids, one lion in the class.

204
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,552
[audience laughter]

205
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:49,727
I live in Los Angeles,

206
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:53,898
so you gotta be careful
who you're talkin' to over there.

207
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:58,110
Got me and another dad waiting
for the kids to come outta the class,

208
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,738
so I tapped him, I said,
"You see the lion…

209
00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:01,947
[audience laughter]

210
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,824
…they got in the class?"

211
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,619
He's like, "I know! Isn't that fabulous?"

212
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:09,622
And then I just floated away
from that guy, huh?

213
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:10,664
[audience laughter]

214
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:13,751
Not gonna be talkin'
to that guy the rest of the semester.

215
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:17,421
[audience cheering and applauding]

216
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:27,139
I don't blame the kid.
I blame the parents.

217
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:28,599
Right?

218
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,351
-Huh.
-[audience cheering]

219
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:35,606
Listen, kid probably came down
in the morning dressed as a lion.

220
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,691
[audience chuckles]

221
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:39,527
Right?

222
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:44,448
Came down,
"I'm a lion, Mommy. I'm a lion, Daddy!"

223
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:47,618
And the idiot parents, "Oh, he's a lion."

224
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:50,496
[audience laughter]

225
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:54,416
"Well, come on. Let's go to school, lion."

226
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:02,132
Now, if my kid comes down,
he's dressed as a panda bear,

227
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:07,096
I tell him, "Get the fuck back upstairs
and go put some jeans on."

228
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:11,267
"I'm not taking a panda bear
to school, all right?"

229
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:15,271
That's it, done.
We don't see that outfit ever again.

230
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,397
Daddy said no.

231
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,774
[audience laughter]

232
00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:26,657
I got some people here,

233
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,451
looking over here, going,
"What does it matter to you?"

234
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,579
"How does it affect you?"

235
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:34,582
It's affecting my daughter, okay?

236
00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:38,878
She ain't learning nothin',
'cause this lion…

237
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,337
[audience laughter]

238
00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:41,797
…is disruptive.

239
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,675
He's in the back of the class…

240
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:50,180
[grunts] …knockin' over books
and desks, right?

241
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,436
The teacher's gotta stop what she's doin'.

242
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:01,108
Nowadays, you can't say nothin'.

243
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:05,654
Because if I say somethin',
now, all of a sudden, I'm insensitive

244
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,197
to the lion's feelings.

245
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:12,369
I can't go up to the teacher,
and go, "The fuck's up with this lion?"

246
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,412
[audience laughter]

247
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:16,707
"If he thinks he's a lion,
bring in a cage, give him some raw meat."

248
00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:18,792
"My kid don't know the alphabet…

249
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,794
[audience laughter]

250
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,713
…because Roary's in the back,

251
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:24,882
lookin' for zebras."

252
00:15:24,965 --> 00:15:28,636
[audience laughter]

253
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:31,680
Can you believe
we're even talkin' about this shit?

254
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,183
[audience laughter]

255
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:46,862
Now my son,
I gotta take him to school too.

256
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,365
That's all I'm doin'. Doin' drop-offs.

257
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,576
Growin' up, nobody dropped us off.

258
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,161
We didn't get a ride

259
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:55,913
anywhere growin' up.

260
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:57,748
Especially to school.

261
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:01,210
I don't know how you people grew up,
but in my house

262
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,504
my parents just told us,
"Walk down the sidewalk

263
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:06,507
and when you see people your height,
that's the school."

264
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,133
[audience laughter]

265
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,344
"Listen for your name,
walk in the building."

266
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,804
"Hopefully you'll learn some shit."

267
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:14,181
[audience laughter]

268
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,559
Now I gotta take my son to school.

269
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:21,730
I gotta basically hand him off
to the teacher, all right?

270
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:25,025
And you go to these schools,
talk to the parents.

271
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:28,070
Listen, I don't wanna talk
to anybody in the morning.

272
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:30,489
All right?
You just wanna do your own thing.

273
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:34,451
But people love to talk in the morning.
You ever talk to people?

274
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,203
[audience laughter]

275
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:39,081
You know how boring people are?

276
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,958
[audience laughter]

277
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,335
Ever get in these conversations?
"What's going on?"

278
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:46,714
"Well, last month, we had COVID."

279
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,009
"My husband had 102 temperature."

280
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:51,135
Hey, listen…

281
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,054
[audience laughter]

282
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:56,557
Can you listen to this?
I can't listen to this.

283
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,350
I need to hear some stuff.

284
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,727
When I talk to you,

285
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,105
if I ask you what's going on,
I need to hear… "What's going on?"

286
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,065
"I had an affair last night."

287
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,483
[audience laughter]

288
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:09,111
"You did? What happened?"

289
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:12,990
That's what I wanna hear.
I don't wanna hear about your cold.

290
00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:15,159
[audience laughter]

291
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,207
When I take my son up to the classroom,
I hold his hand.

292
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,752
He wants to be picked up.
I don't pick him up.

293
00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:28,088
Said, "I gave you a ride.
Now, come on, walk."

294
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:36,305
Approachin' the class,
I see an Asian guy, an Asian father.

295
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:37,848
[silence]

296
00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:41,143
Look how quiet it got on "Asian father."
You believe that?

297
00:17:41,226 --> 00:17:43,270
I said "Asian father,"
everybody in the room,

298
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:44,813
their ass just tightened up.

299
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,774
"Ooh. Where we goin' with this?"

300
00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:48,942
"Why would you do that?"

301
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,778
[audience laughter]

302
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:58,243
This is what happened in the country
the last six or seven years.

303
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:02,915
You can't even mention
someone's background in describing them.

304
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,085
It's not meant to be derogatory.

305
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:08,712
Growin' up, it's how you knew
who you were talking about

306
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,172
in the neighborhood.

307
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:13,342
You'd be sitting in the neighborhood,
and be like, "What guy?"

308
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,803
"The Puerto Rican guy." "Oh, I know him."

309
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,472
[audience laughter]

310
00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:21,892
Today, you got people in this room,
right now,

311
00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:24,269
lookin' up here going,
"What does it matter?"

312
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,897
[audience laughter]

313
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:30,692
"Why would you even mention that?"

314
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:31,860
[audience cheering]

315
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,695
"What does it matter?" It matters.

316
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,072
At the end of the story,

317
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:39,993
you're gonna find out why I said,
"Asian guy," all right?

318
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,621
Loosen up your hole, it's okay.

319
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:44,373
It's all right.

320
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:47,751
[audience cheering]

321
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,255
Nice guy, comes up to me, like, "Hi,

322
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,006
I'm the room dad."

323
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,758
I said, "Wha-- What's--"

324
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,552
[audience laughter]

325
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,262
"What's a room dad?"

326
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,305
He's like,
"I'm in charge of all the dads socially,

327
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,224
we get together once a month."

328
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:06,770
"We're going over to Christopher's house
on Tuesday for an ugly sweater night."

329
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,065
"If you wanna wear your ugliest sweater,
we're gonna…

330
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:14,278
talk about being a dad,
maybe open up some Diet Cokes."

331
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:16,405
[audience laughter]

332
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,161
So I said, "Listen, uh…"

333
00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:28,125
Listen, I'm nice. If you talk to me,
I'll talk right back at you.

334
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:34,423
But I'm 49 years old, and I'm not
actively pursuin' new friendships

335
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:38,343
at my age, all right?

336
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,181
I'm lookin' to lose people in my life.

337
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,557
[audience laughter]

338
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:47,102
We're doin' a massive layoff
at the Maniscalco household.

339
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,188
[audience laughter]

340
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:50,898
Not accepting

341
00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:53,400
new applicants.

342
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,864
So I tell him, "It's nice of you to offer.
Can't make it."

343
00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:05,662
"But keep me in mind for the next
sweater event, maybe I'll pop in."

344
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:09,875
We're lookin' at the class
and he points out his son.

345
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,376
It's the only Asian kid

346
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,170
in the class.

347
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:15,714
He's like, "That's my boy."
I'm like, "I know."

348
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:18,926
[audience laughter]

349
00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:29,353
But again,
you got people in this room lookin' up,

350
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,688
goin', "You are so closed-minded."

351
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:34,024
[audience laughter]

352
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:36,777
"How dare you assume?"

353
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:42,950
"Don't you think
there's other possibilities?"

354
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,827
"Maybe the Asian father
adopted the Black child

355
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,830
and the Black father
adopted the Asian child."

356
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:53,669
Listen, if I'm puttin' money on who
this Asian kid's goin' home with,

357
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:56,296
it's this guy, all right?

358
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,673
[audience laughter]

359
00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:01,385
Put $100 on the table,
I wanna see how PC you get.

360
00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:05,639
Where I'm from,
these two came in the same car.

361
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:09,101
[audience laughter]

362
00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:10,102
All right?

363
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,402
Now, my kid walks in, right?

364
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:23,740
My kid's like raising a chimpanzee,
this kid's all over the map.

365
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:24,950
Just comes in.

366
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:29,955
Takes his shirt off,
ripped his shirt off. Beautiful.

367
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,457
I gotta tell you, as an Italian father,

368
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:37,170
to see my son rip his shirt off
in front of 13 of his classmates,

369
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,382
was a proud moment for me, right?

370
00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:41,800
[audience laughter]

371
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:46,054
I get him ready for school.
I dress him up,

372
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:50,058
I put his shoes on and socks,
a little cologne on him. Just a touch.

373
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:52,311
[audience laughter]

374
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:56,940
Just decorate his ear
with a little cologne, all right?

375
00:21:57,024 --> 00:22:00,068
I want him to get used
to having his own scent.

376
00:22:01,695 --> 00:22:04,531
Plus, when the teacher helps him out,
she's like, "Okay, we're gonna--"

377
00:22:04,614 --> 00:22:05,490
[sniffs]

378
00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:07,826
"The fuck do you have on?"

379
00:22:07,909 --> 00:22:10,620
[audience laughter]

380
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,300
My son goes get some crayons
and a coloring book,

381
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:24,926
comes right over to the girls,

382
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,346
just bypasses the guys,

383
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,639
right into the chicks.

384
00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:36,646
Sharin' his crayons.

385
00:22:36,730 --> 00:22:39,566
"Take a green.
You want my green? Take my green."

386
00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:46,990
I'm watchin' this and now
the teacher's gotta come over

387
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:48,909
and fart on my dinner, all right?

388
00:22:52,162 --> 00:22:54,873
She's like,
"You wanna put your son's shirt back on?"

389
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,125
I said, "For what?"

390
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:58,835
[audience laughter]

391
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,754
"He's havin' a ball, look at him!"

392
00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:04,049
"There's a lion in the other class."

393
00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:06,259
[audience laughter]

394
00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:13,809
She's like, "We don't want
these kids to remove their clothing."

395
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:17,104
"Could you please do something?"
I said, "All right, I got you."

396
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:20,482
I said, "Come here. Come here!"

397
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,484
[audience laughter]

398
00:23:22,567 --> 00:23:27,739
"Put your shirt back on, all right?
People are jealous."

399
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:30,867
[audience laughter]

400
00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:35,330
"I know you're upset, we'll take it off
at the grocery store on the way home."

401
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:37,416
[audience laughter]

402
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:43,463
And I tell him,

403
00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:46,049
"Listen, you share your toys
while you're here."

404
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:47,509
"You respect your teachers."

405
00:23:47,592 --> 00:23:50,804
"You say, 'please and thank you.'
You understand?"

406
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:53,140
"Get back in there."
A little slap on the ass.

407
00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:56,017
He walks back in the class.
That's how I talk to my son.

408
00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:57,436
There's no baby talk.

409
00:23:57,519 --> 00:24:00,063
I know some fathers do baby talk

410
00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:01,565
to their son.

411
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,067
"You share your toys, okay?"

412
00:24:04,151 --> 00:24:05,902
"Share your toys. Be nice."

413
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:07,279
No, I talk to my son

414
00:24:07,362 --> 00:24:10,282
like he's in the Union Local 606

415
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:13,285
working in a warehouse 15 hours

416
00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:15,996
on a forklift.

417
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:23,211
I start to leave and the teacher's like,
"Excuse me, where you going?"

418
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,672
I said,
"I'll be back at 3:00 to pick him up."

419
00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:29,759
She's like, "No, we actually
encourage parents to participate

420
00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:33,388
in the learning process,
so if you'd like to stay a few hours--"

421
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:34,473
Few hours?

422
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,349
[audience laughter]

423
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,685
What the hell am I gonna do?
I don't do this.

424
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:39,811
I don't teach.

425
00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:44,149
Right? I don't know
what these schools are doing now.

426
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:47,235
The schools I grew up in were volatile,
the teachers were drunk,

427
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,697
the kids were fightin',
people were stealin', I don't know.

428
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:52,407
What am I gonna do?

429
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,621
Everything's so nice now.
The teachers come out.

430
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:58,997
Everything's a song.

431
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:01,750
Teacher comes out.

432
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:05,253
♪ We look at the clock
And what does it say? ♪

433
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:08,173
[audience laughter]

434
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,219
♪ Five minutes to play ♪

435
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:14,471
[audience laughter]

436
00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:17,891
No idea.

437
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:22,687
Teacher's like,
"We're gonna sit in a circle, everybody."

438
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:24,481
"Sit in a big circle."

439
00:25:24,981 --> 00:25:26,775
"Grab your child. Big circle."

440
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:29,402
I'm like,
"You want us to sit Indian-style?"

441
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:33,573
[audience laughter]

442
00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,162
"Yeah, well…

443
00:25:43,833 --> 00:25:45,085
we don't say…

444
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:48,797
[mouthing] …Indian-style."

445
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:51,841
"It's crisscross applesauce."

446
00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:52,926
[audience laughter]

447
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:53,843
What?

448
00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:55,804
Crisscross, what?

449
00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:57,556
[audience laughter]

450
00:25:57,639 --> 00:26:00,392
I had no idea the Indians got upset

451
00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:03,144
and had a meeting and said,
"They stole our style too,

452
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,187
this is bullshit."

453
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:05,647
[audience laughter]

454
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:07,065
"This has gotta stop."

455
00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:13,238
No one knows what to say.

456
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:16,199
You don't know what's off-limits, right?

457
00:26:16,283 --> 00:26:18,994
Until you say it and somebody says,
"You're in trouble."

458
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:24,541
In some states,
if you wanna sell your own home

459
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:26,042
in the description of the home,

460
00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:29,045
you can't even say
you got a walk-in closet.

461
00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:32,048
Can you believe it?
Can't say walk-in closet anymore.

462
00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:33,008
Why?

463
00:26:34,050 --> 00:26:35,969
Not everybody walks.

464
00:26:36,052 --> 00:26:39,556
[audience laughter]

465
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:45,145
You're telling me a guy in a wheelchair

466
00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:47,314
is gonna go look at a home, right…

467
00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:51,526
[audience laughter]

468
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:55,739
…and the real estate agent's gonna go,
"And this is the walk-in closet."

469
00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:58,074
And he'd go,
"What the fuck did you just say?"

470
00:26:58,700 --> 00:26:59,659
"I don't walk."

471
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:03,121
[audience laughter]

472
00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:18,428
World's upside down.

473
00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:20,347
All right?

474
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:22,390
They say it's better today.

475
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:30,690
Look around, it sucks. Sucks.

476
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:36,821
[audience cheering and applauding]

477
00:27:36,905 --> 00:27:39,324
I grew up in the '70s, '80s.

478
00:27:39,407 --> 00:27:41,284
I was a kid back then,

479
00:27:41,368 --> 00:27:43,578
and I'd reflect back on those times.

480
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:47,457
It seemed a little simpler.
My birthday parties were simple.

481
00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:49,751
I had water balloon fights.

482
00:27:50,585 --> 00:27:52,170
Remember water balloon fights?

483
00:27:52,253 --> 00:27:55,882
My family's too cheap to buy
the balloon that held the water.

484
00:27:56,716 --> 00:28:00,720
We had little balloons that
we had to fill up, kept popping off the--

485
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:03,181
[chuckling] Remember?

486
00:28:03,264 --> 00:28:05,016
Filling up a balloon? Pssht!

487
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:06,393
Shit! God!

488
00:28:07,602 --> 00:28:11,064
Eighteen rubber rings
around the kitchen faucet

489
00:28:11,147 --> 00:28:12,565
by the end of the party.

490
00:28:13,942 --> 00:28:15,443
Three balloons you got.

491
00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:17,570
[audience laughter]

492
00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:19,322
But once you got the balloon,

493
00:28:19,406 --> 00:28:22,534
you couldn't wait
to hit the kid that you couldn't stand.

494
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,287
He would dart across the yard and--

495
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,747
[blows] Pssht!

496
00:28:27,831 --> 00:28:30,959
Right in his ear, man,
the balloon went in his ear canal.

497
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:32,460
Went deaf, the kid--

498
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:33,670
[audience laughter]

499
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:36,756
Kid couldn't hear nothin'
for three months out of his ear.

500
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,259
Came home from the party,
parents were, "How was it?"

501
00:28:39,342 --> 00:28:41,886
"Can't hear nothing.
It was a wicked party. Balloon."

502
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:43,263
[audience laughter]

503
00:28:43,346 --> 00:28:44,973
Nobody got sued.

504
00:28:45,056 --> 00:28:47,058
[audience laughter]

505
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:49,477
Back in the '70s,
if you went to a birthday party,

506
00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:52,981
it was understood you could lose a finger,
eyesight.

507
00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:55,275
Hearing loss.

508
00:28:58,653 --> 00:29:02,198
Played games growing up at our parties,
with food.

509
00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:06,161
I remember food bein'
a big part of our birthday parties.

510
00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:10,874
Seventh birthday party,
my mother brought out a two-foot zucchini.

511
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:15,462
She's like, "We're gonna play Gagootz."

512
00:29:15,545 --> 00:29:16,546
[audience laughter]

513
00:29:16,629 --> 00:29:17,589
"What?"

514
00:29:19,048 --> 00:29:22,385
"Don't we have
pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?"

515
00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:23,470
"What the hell is…

516
00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:25,513
Gagootz?"

517
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:30,769
She lined up the kids and took a zucchini

518
00:29:31,352 --> 00:29:33,104
and put it in between

519
00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:38,067
the boy's knees.

520
00:29:38,151 --> 00:29:41,488
There's a seven-year-old boy
with a two-foot

521
00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:44,115
zucchini

522
00:29:45,074 --> 00:29:47,076
comin' out of his kneecaps.

523
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,537
[audience laughter]

524
00:29:53,833 --> 00:29:55,960
The object of the game was you…

525
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:59,172
You had to turn to your left

526
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:02,801
and give it to the kid,
and the other kid clamped on.

527
00:30:02,884 --> 00:30:05,845
[audience laughter]

528
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:09,891
[chuckling] I mean…

529
00:30:09,974 --> 00:30:11,142
The other kid

530
00:30:11,976 --> 00:30:13,019
gave it…

531
00:30:14,979 --> 00:30:18,900
If the zucchini fell on the ground,
you were eliminated from the game.

532
00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:22,320
And the last one with the zucchini,

533
00:30:22,403 --> 00:30:23,822
got to keep it.

534
00:30:23,905 --> 00:30:25,865
That was the prize.

535
00:30:25,949 --> 00:30:27,367
[audience laughter]

536
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:29,452
Brought home a zucchini from my party.

537
00:30:29,536 --> 00:30:31,412
[audience laughter]

538
00:30:31,496 --> 00:30:33,998
Parents were like, "What's this?"
"I don't know, it's a Gagatza."

539
00:30:34,082 --> 00:30:35,583
"I don't know."

540
00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:38,670
"But they gave us a recipe,
they said to slice it,

541
00:30:38,753 --> 00:30:41,172
dip it in egg and bread crumb and fry it."

542
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:43,216
"It makes for a good snack."

543
00:30:43,299 --> 00:30:44,175
"What?"

544
00:30:45,051 --> 00:30:47,470
"This is at a seven-year-old's
birthday party?"

545
00:30:48,012 --> 00:30:48,930
"Yeah."

546
00:30:51,724 --> 00:30:54,811
Another game,
my mother brought out pantyhose.

547
00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:59,107
And she tied a leg around the kid's waist.

548
00:30:59,190 --> 00:31:05,405
Then she took a potato and stuck it down
the other leg into the foot,

549
00:31:05,488 --> 00:31:06,656
so the kid…

550
00:31:07,198 --> 00:31:08,950
[chuckling]

551
00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:12,620
…the kid had a potato

552
00:31:13,204 --> 00:31:15,790
hanging from his crotch.

553
00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:18,334
[audience laughter]

554
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:21,796
She did this with two kids.

555
00:31:22,839 --> 00:31:24,841
She brought 'em to the sidewalk.

556
00:31:25,425 --> 00:31:27,969
And she put a lemon in front of each kid

557
00:31:28,052 --> 00:31:32,557
and it was a race that
they had to hit the potato

558
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:34,392
to the lemon.

559
00:31:34,475 --> 00:31:36,227
[audience laughter]

560
00:31:36,311 --> 00:31:38,688
This is on a Saturday afternoon.

561
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:41,190
Nobody called the police.

562
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:43,276
This was just a normal

563
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:46,613
birthday party.

564
00:31:51,075 --> 00:31:53,369
Feels like it was yesterday.

565
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:55,413
Now?

566
00:31:56,372 --> 00:31:58,458
I got these kids, I'm gettin' older.

567
00:31:58,541 --> 00:32:00,585
I'm not one of these guys that complains,

568
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,170
"Ugh, I'm old." No.

569
00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:07,842
Just gettin' older and startin' to see
some changes in myself, all right?

570
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:09,510
I'm claustrophobic now.

571
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,848
It happened two years ago.
I was never claustrophobic.

572
00:32:14,349 --> 00:32:16,809
I was on an airplane,
sitting at the window

573
00:32:16,893 --> 00:32:19,187
mid-flight,
the middle of the flight, I'm like--

574
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:21,731
"Gotta get outta here!"
I don't know what happened.

575
00:32:21,814 --> 00:32:24,817
[audience laughter]

576
00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:33,326
I can't go to something like this.

577
00:32:33,409 --> 00:32:34,702
I cannot go

578
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:38,081
to something like this.
I don't know where I'm gonna sit.

579
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:39,874
I can't be confined.

580
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:43,211
Last time I did anything
like this was four years ago.

581
00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:47,382
My wife and I went to go see
Hamilton on Broadway.

582
00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:51,886
Everybody was talkin' about Hamilton,
you'd run into these people.

583
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:53,638
"Have you seen it?"

584
00:32:54,681 --> 00:32:56,599
"Oh my God. It is amazing."

585
00:32:56,683 --> 00:32:59,143
"We saw it, oh… How many times?"

586
00:32:59,227 --> 00:33:01,145
"How many times did we see it?"

587
00:33:01,229 --> 00:33:03,064
[audience chuckling]

588
00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:05,358
"Three times, we saw it three times."

589
00:33:06,693 --> 00:33:09,237
"And each time it was just an ex…"

590
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:14,575
[audience laughter]

591
00:33:15,535 --> 00:33:19,080
"It changed me as a-- It changed me."

592
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:23,543
All right? As soon as I hear that,
I'm like, "I ain't gonna like this."

593
00:33:23,626 --> 00:33:25,503
[audience laughter]

594
00:33:25,586 --> 00:33:29,674
My kids changed me, not Lin-Manuel.

595
00:33:33,344 --> 00:33:34,429
So we go.

596
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,598
All right? My wife and I sit down.

597
00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:41,060
This woman sits next to me.

598
00:33:41,602 --> 00:33:44,564
She's diggin' in her purse.
It's killing me, right?

599
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:49,193
She's-- I'm like,
"Find it! I gotta get outta here."

600
00:33:49,277 --> 00:33:50,403
"Babe, we gotta leave,

601
00:33:50,486 --> 00:33:52,989
I can't deal
with this shit with the purse."

602
00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:56,325
"I don't know what she's looking for,
but it's killin' me."

603
00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:03,875
So this thing starts, all right?

604
00:34:03,958 --> 00:34:05,376
Ten minutes into Hamilton,

605
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:08,880
I tap my wife, I go,
"I got no idea what's goin' on."

606
00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:10,048
[audience laughter]

607
00:34:10,131 --> 00:34:13,468
I didn't understand it.
I couldn't understand the rapping.

608
00:34:13,551 --> 00:34:15,094
I'm like, "What'd he say?"

609
00:34:15,928 --> 00:34:18,765
The characters.
I don't even know what Hamilton did.

610
00:34:18,848 --> 00:34:23,978
I went to this play to find out
why this guy was so fabulous, all right?

611
00:34:24,645 --> 00:34:28,691
And you gotta understand something
about my wife and I, we are dumb.

612
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:35,740
All right.
Like, as a couple, we're equally dumb.

613
00:34:35,823 --> 00:34:38,034
[audience laughter]

614
00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:40,870
You don't find this in
a lot of relationships.

615
00:34:40,953 --> 00:34:44,373
In a normal healthy relationship,

616
00:34:44,457 --> 00:34:49,003
someone is always smarter
than the other person

617
00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:54,300
and you rely on the smart one
to get you through movies, books,

618
00:34:55,134 --> 00:34:56,135
and life.

619
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,138
We don't have this dynamic.

620
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:03,142
I'll tap my wife, I go,
"You know what's going on?" "No, you?"

621
00:35:03,226 --> 00:35:04,435
"Nothing."

622
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,854
We just sit there, dumb-dumb.

623
00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:11,776
[audience laughter]

624
00:35:15,988 --> 00:35:18,199
So, at halftime, we--

625
00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:19,867
[audience laughter]

626
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:23,246
I thought the thing was over,
the lights came on, I'm like, "Thank God."

627
00:35:23,329 --> 00:35:25,373
"Let's go eat some oysters."

628
00:35:25,456 --> 00:35:28,126
I find out we got
two and a half hours of this

629
00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:29,961
thing left.

630
00:35:31,754 --> 00:35:34,632
I don't like an intermission,
burn through the damn thing.

631
00:35:34,715 --> 00:35:37,593
I don't wanna get up at a half-hour.
We go out.

632
00:35:39,679 --> 00:35:43,057
We saw another couple we know,
highly intelligent couple.

633
00:35:43,141 --> 00:35:45,852
All right?
We get in a conversation with them.

634
00:35:45,935 --> 00:35:49,772
They're rattling off US presidents,
wars, events.

635
00:35:50,356 --> 00:35:53,609
Ever get in conversations
with people who are highly intelligent?

636
00:35:53,693 --> 00:35:57,321
In my head I'm like,
"I can't add shit to this conversation."

637
00:35:57,822 --> 00:35:59,282
I'm just nodding.

638
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:01,450
"Yeah, nah, the 1700s…"

639
00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:02,702
[audience laughter]

640
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:05,204
"Long time, y'know?
It was a long time ago."

641
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:10,918
"Nah, long time, the 1700s.
Long time. Long time."

642
00:36:11,002 --> 00:36:12,336
"Long time."

643
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,754
"Long time ago."

644
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:20,553
This guy's lookin' at his playbill,
telling me about the actors.

645
00:36:20,636 --> 00:36:23,681
I felt bad,
I got my playbill rolled up into a tube

646
00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:27,393
and I'm playin' a Bon Jovi song on my leg.

647
00:36:27,476 --> 00:36:30,396
[audience cheering]

648
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:38,112
So I turned to my wife,
"You wanna go back in there?"

649
00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:44,452
"I have no idea what's going on.
No way I'm pickin' it up midway through."

650
00:36:46,537 --> 00:36:48,831
My wife is like,
"I know, babe, I'm so lost."

651
00:36:48,915 --> 00:36:50,958
"I have no idea what's goin' on either."

652
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:54,670
"I had no idea Hamilton was Black."

653
00:36:54,754 --> 00:36:55,755
[audience laughter]

654
00:36:55,838 --> 00:36:57,506
"Let's get outta here."

655
00:36:57,590 --> 00:37:00,218
"Don't ever repeat that
to another human being."

656
00:37:00,301 --> 00:37:02,553
"That is a Black actor playing Hamilton."

657
00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:05,056
"Let's get outta here.
We're dumber than shit."

658
00:37:05,139 --> 00:37:08,142
"Get in the car. Take your shoes off.
Let's get out of here."

659
00:37:08,851 --> 00:37:09,852
"We're lost."

660
00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:13,940
[audience cheering]

661
00:37:14,023 --> 00:37:14,857
Dumb.

662
00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:24,909
Anytime my wife and I go out,
when we go back to the house,

663
00:37:24,992 --> 00:37:29,288
she's always shocked
how fast I get into bed. All right?

664
00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:32,208
I don't know what you people do

665
00:37:32,708 --> 00:37:37,588
after a night out, but I go home,
I brush my teeth, take my clothes, boom.

666
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:39,340
Right in bed.

667
00:37:40,633 --> 00:37:44,845
There's no washin' the face.
I just washed it two hours ago, what?

668
00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:46,764
[grunts]

669
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:50,184
A sink bath after goin' out
for an hour and a half?

670
00:37:53,437 --> 00:37:56,023
My wife always walks in the bedroom,
"Oh my God!"

671
00:37:56,816 --> 00:37:58,943
"You're in bed already?" "Yeah."

672
00:37:59,819 --> 00:38:01,028
"It's nighttime."

673
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:05,866
"What did you think I was goin' to do?
Cut the lawn? Get in. Get in!"

674
00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:09,245
[audience laughter]

675
00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:16,377
I don't know
what she does in that bathroom.

676
00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,087
[audience laughter]

677
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,548
The noises that are comin' outta there.

678
00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:23,259
The water going "Pssht"…

679
00:38:23,342 --> 00:38:24,760
"Pssht-pssht."

680
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:26,637
[audience chuckling]

681
00:38:26,721 --> 00:38:29,765
She comes out rolling her face
with some spiked roll.

682
00:38:29,849 --> 00:38:33,602
I go, "Is-- You're bleeding!
Is that helping you?"

683
00:38:33,686 --> 00:38:34,854
[audience laughter]

684
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:37,732
"My mother uses that to make pasta."

685
00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:40,985
"Why are you using that on your foreh--"

686
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,576
Then she puts some Korean mask on.

687
00:38:48,659 --> 00:38:52,872
As soon as you see the mask,
"No sex tonight! There goes that!"

688
00:38:52,955 --> 00:38:54,123
[audience laughter]

689
00:38:54,206 --> 00:38:56,876
I'm gonna make love to a hockey goalie?

690
00:38:56,959 --> 00:38:58,753
[audience laughter]

691
00:38:58,836 --> 00:39:01,964
"Just blink, babe,
so I know you're enjoying this."

692
00:39:03,215 --> 00:39:04,592
"You under that thing?"

693
00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:20,066
And my side table, I got nothing on it.
I got a lamp and that's it.

694
00:39:20,941 --> 00:39:23,736
Her side, eight bottles of water, right?

695
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:28,366
A mouth guard, eye drops, Tylenol.

696
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:32,244
What the fuck are you doin'
on your side of the bed?

697
00:39:32,328 --> 00:39:33,496
How long?

698
00:39:41,420 --> 00:39:42,338
Now we get in.

699
00:39:42,421 --> 00:39:45,800
We gotta find something to watch.
My wife hasn't seen one movie.

700
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,636
This one hasn't seen a movie
in her whole life.

701
00:39:49,553 --> 00:39:51,972
Shawshank came on.
I go, "You gotta watch this."

702
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:53,140
"It's a great movie."

703
00:39:53,224 --> 00:39:55,768
She's like, "I can't watch this movie."
I go, "Why not?"

704
00:39:55,851 --> 00:39:57,478
She's like, "It's started already."

705
00:39:58,145 --> 00:40:01,690
I go, "It's five minutes in.
I'll get you up to speed."

706
00:40:01,774 --> 00:40:04,902
She's like, "I can't watch a movie
that's already started."

707
00:40:05,444 --> 00:40:08,489
Like, my wife needs to see the lion--

708
00:40:08,572 --> 00:40:09,532
[roars]

709
00:40:09,615 --> 00:40:13,536
[audience laughter]

710
00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:22,962
Some of you didn't even get that.
Like, "There's a lion in Shawshank?"

711
00:40:23,045 --> 00:40:24,547
[audience laughter]

712
00:40:24,630 --> 00:40:29,427
"I don't remember a lion walking around
the prison yard with Morgan Freeman."

713
00:40:35,724 --> 00:40:36,976
The problem

714
00:40:37,726 --> 00:40:40,479
in our relationship is I worry.

715
00:40:40,980 --> 00:40:43,774
She don't worry about nothin', all right?

716
00:40:43,858 --> 00:40:46,444
My fear is having a home invasion.

717
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:48,070
That's my biggest fear.

718
00:40:48,154 --> 00:40:50,865
Growin' up,
our house got robbed three separate times.

719
00:40:50,948 --> 00:40:53,868
As an adult, I got a fear of wakin' up
at four o'clock in the morning,

720
00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:56,871
and I got another guy in my bedroom.

721
00:40:58,330 --> 00:41:00,791
Now, I don't got a gun,
I got nothing against guns.

722
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:05,504
But again, I'm 49 years old
and I'm not pickin' up any new skill sets

723
00:41:06,130 --> 00:41:07,298
at my age.

724
00:41:10,050 --> 00:41:13,137
I feel gun owners have
a good grasp of their gun.

725
00:41:13,220 --> 00:41:17,516
They go to the range, they got a lock
and key for it, keep it in the cabinet.

726
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:21,937
Plus I feel when a gun owner hears
somebody breaking into their home,

727
00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,482
the gun owner gets happy.

728
00:41:24,565 --> 00:41:26,901
[audience laughter]

729
00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:29,195
Hears a little jiggle at the door,

730
00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:30,779
he's like, "Oh yeah!"

731
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:34,033
[audience laughter]

732
00:41:41,582 --> 00:41:43,876
He tells his wife, "Just lay there, babe."

733
00:41:43,959 --> 00:41:47,505
"I know you got a big day.
I'm gonna go take care of this guy."

734
00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:56,180
Last month, our alarm went off.

735
00:41:56,263 --> 00:42:00,226
This thing is loud,
woke me right out of a dead sleep.

736
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:03,521
And my wife, my wife don't wake up.

737
00:42:05,105 --> 00:42:08,150
Like tonight,
I'll probably go to bed at two o'clock

738
00:42:08,234 --> 00:42:10,361
and then I'll get up,
I'll think it's morning.

739
00:42:10,444 --> 00:42:12,238
I'll look at the clock, 2:09.

740
00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:13,948
[audience laughter]

741
00:42:14,031 --> 00:42:17,284
I sleep in nine-minute increments
throughout the night.

742
00:42:19,828 --> 00:42:22,122
My wife goes to bed,
wakes up in the same position.

743
00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:23,999
Her side in the morning, beautiful.

744
00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:27,253
Everything's tucked in,
the pillows are layered.

745
00:42:27,836 --> 00:42:30,548
Hair is cascading off the sheets.

746
00:42:31,632 --> 00:42:34,134
My side, I look like
I got in a fight with a shark.

747
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:35,427
[audience laughter]

748
00:42:35,511 --> 00:42:39,056
Everything's untucked,
I'm missing pillowcases.

749
00:42:39,848 --> 00:42:41,475
I'm wet. Why am I wet?

750
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:43,060
[audience laughter]

751
00:42:43,143 --> 00:42:44,853
My neck is drenched.

752
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:46,689
I gotta wring out my underwear.

753
00:42:46,772 --> 00:42:50,526
What the hell happened to me last night

754
00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:54,446
where I gotta flip the mattress over
in the morning?

755
00:42:54,530 --> 00:42:55,823
Why am I soaked?

756
00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:57,908
Why am I drenched?

757
00:42:57,992 --> 00:42:59,118
[audience laughter]

758
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,499
So the alarm went off

759
00:43:07,167 --> 00:43:09,587
last month and my wife don't get up.

760
00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:14,842
I'm up right away, and I'm not one of
these guys that goes and handles it.

761
00:43:14,925 --> 00:43:15,968
All right.

762
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:18,053
I'm like, "Get up! Get up!"

763
00:43:18,137 --> 00:43:20,598
[audience laughter]

764
00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:30,649
She's like, "What's goin' on?"
I said, "The alarm!"

765
00:43:31,483 --> 00:43:32,901
"The alarm's on!"

766
00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:35,112
She's like, "Oh, just go look."

767
00:43:35,195 --> 00:43:38,949
"I'm gonna go look, take two to the head,
while you escape out the back

768
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:42,202
with our two kids and start
another family with some other guy?"

769
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:45,539
"Fuck that. Get on my back.
We're goin' out together."

770
00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,082
"Go look."

771
00:43:47,166 --> 00:43:48,959
[audience laughter]

772
00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:52,880
"The hell you think you married?
Rambo? Let's go together."

773
00:43:55,758 --> 00:43:56,717
"Look…"

774
00:44:05,768 --> 00:44:10,481
I just wish I was a little bit
more aggressive that way, all right?

775
00:44:11,106 --> 00:44:15,611
Tryin' to teach my kid to be that way,
you know, a little bit more manly.

776
00:44:17,446 --> 00:44:20,199
We got him in soccer,
we put him in soccer.

777
00:44:20,824 --> 00:44:23,369
It's not even soccer.
I don't know what this is.

778
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:27,414
It's about eight three-year-olds,
just runnin' around.

779
00:44:28,832 --> 00:44:30,125
The ball don't move.

780
00:44:30,209 --> 00:44:32,211
[audience laughter]

781
00:44:36,382 --> 00:44:37,424
I take him

782
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:39,927
to this park in Los Angeles.

783
00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:41,387
It's a big park.

784
00:44:41,470 --> 00:44:45,349
They got like basketball courts.
They got a playground.

785
00:44:45,432 --> 00:44:47,309
Heroin. It's nice.

786
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:48,936
[audience laughter]

787
00:44:49,019 --> 00:44:50,354
It's a nice place

788
00:44:51,063 --> 00:44:52,314
to raise a family.

789
00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:01,490
And I'm the type of guy,
I just bring my son, I don't bring a bag

790
00:45:02,032 --> 00:45:03,450
with snacks,

791
00:45:04,743 --> 00:45:07,162
water, change of clothes, nothin'.

792
00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:09,707
It's just me and him, all right?

793
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:14,420
All the other parents, they got blankets,
they're layin' out picnic blankets.

794
00:45:14,503 --> 00:45:16,296
Puttin' up umbrellas.

795
00:45:16,380 --> 00:45:17,673
They got fruit plates.

796
00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:23,470
It's not Coachella,
it's a 45-minute practice.

797
00:45:28,475 --> 00:45:31,854
There's a lot of dogs runnin'
around this park off-leash.

798
00:45:31,937 --> 00:45:37,317
Now, I know this is unpopular to say,
I'm not a big dog guy.

799
00:45:37,401 --> 00:45:43,657
Okay? I'm sorry. I know there's
pet owners in here, some dog lovers.

800
00:45:43,741 --> 00:45:47,453
I know you're goin'
into a panic attack right now,

801
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:49,997
just hearin' somebody say that,

802
00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:55,669
but when I was six, I got mauled
by a German Shepherd. Okay?

803
00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:58,922
So when your dog comes up to me,
I'm not-- [fake laughter]

804
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:01,008
I'm not in on it, all right?

805
00:46:01,091 --> 00:46:05,471
It's a threat. I take a couple steps
back and I assess it.

806
00:46:08,849 --> 00:46:11,643
Now, I'm looking at the practice
and from afar,

807
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:15,564
I see a dog running
at such a high rate of speed,

808
00:46:16,231 --> 00:46:19,318
I can't even make out the breed
on this thing, right?

809
00:46:20,152 --> 00:46:23,781
So, it zips through,
it almost clips my son's head.

810
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,824
"Whoosh." Just right through the practice.

811
00:46:25,908 --> 00:46:28,869
I even had to ask the family,
"Was that a cheetah?"

812
00:46:28,952 --> 00:46:32,080
"What the hell just ran through here?"

813
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:35,292
And I look, it's a Greyhound.

814
00:46:35,375 --> 00:46:37,544
Now, listen, I'm sorry,

815
00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:42,090
you don't own a Greyhound.

816
00:46:42,758 --> 00:46:43,592
All right?

817
00:46:43,675 --> 00:46:45,636
Top speed on this thing

818
00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:51,975
is 48 miles per hour. All right?

819
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:56,313
They're a sight hound,
which means, once they see something,

820
00:46:56,396 --> 00:47:00,943
they go and get it, and they don't stop
until they retrieve it.

821
00:47:01,026 --> 00:47:04,863
I don't know if you've ever seen one run,
it is frightening.

822
00:47:04,947 --> 00:47:07,074
The ears are pinned back and…

823
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:09,201
[barks]

824
00:47:09,284 --> 00:47:11,286
[audience laughter]

825
00:47:12,788 --> 00:47:14,456
[barks]

826
00:47:18,710 --> 00:47:19,837
[barks]

827
00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:26,802
This thing ain't street-legal.
It's kickin' up sod.

828
00:47:34,935 --> 00:47:37,062
I think I split my pants on that,

829
00:47:37,145 --> 00:47:40,899
I don't know what's goin' on in the
back of my ass, but somethin' happened.

830
00:47:40,983 --> 00:47:43,485
There's a draft. I don't even wanna look.

831
00:47:43,569 --> 00:47:44,862
[audience laughter]

832
00:47:44,945 --> 00:47:46,071
No, I wanted…

833
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:50,242
I wanted to get in shape for this thing.

834
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:55,539
I gotta get in shape for this
Netflix special, gotta fit into the suit.

835
00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:59,793
And, uh, it didn't work.
I tell you, this is tight.

836
00:48:00,502 --> 00:48:01,336
Tight.

837
00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:10,512
I'm lookin' around the casino,
some people still got their masks on.

838
00:48:12,139 --> 00:48:12,973
All right?

839
00:48:13,056 --> 00:48:16,643
You wanna wear the damn thing, wear it.
I don't care. I got other problems,

840
00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:19,646
to worry about you and your mask.

841
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:24,401
I'm not one of these people--
"Can ya--?" No, I got shit goin' on.

842
00:48:25,193 --> 00:48:27,362
All right?
You wanna wear the mask, wear it.

843
00:48:28,238 --> 00:48:31,283
People are passionate about their masks,
you see these mask people?

844
00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:32,242
"Got my mask."

845
00:48:35,370 --> 00:48:37,873
They make a necklace for it.
"I make a necklace for it

846
00:48:37,956 --> 00:48:41,335
just in case I have to take it off.
It just dangles right here."

847
00:48:43,378 --> 00:48:46,048
"I have another in case
someone didn't bring their mask."

848
00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:47,257
"I have extra."

849
00:48:49,676 --> 00:48:51,929
That's fine.
You wanna do that? That's fine.

850
00:48:52,012 --> 00:48:55,807
Then you got the other half,
"Fuck the masks! I ain't wearing it!"

851
00:48:55,891 --> 00:48:57,017
[audience laughter]

852
00:48:57,100 --> 00:48:58,977
"I ain't wearin' no mask!"

853
00:49:00,437 --> 00:49:01,897
"Nobody gonna tell me

854
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:04,024
what to do." Fine.

855
00:49:05,150 --> 00:49:07,694
All right. You wanna be on that team?

856
00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:10,697
Be on that team. I don't care. Either way.

857
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:12,699
I don't care. I just know me.

858
00:49:12,783 --> 00:49:15,118
I got bad luck, bad.

859
00:49:15,202 --> 00:49:16,286
Bad luck.

860
00:49:16,370 --> 00:49:18,163
I don't talk bad about this virus.

861
00:49:18,246 --> 00:49:23,168
No matter where we are in this pandemic,
I never make fun of the virus.

862
00:49:23,251 --> 00:49:25,253
Not gonna be one of these guys.

863
00:49:25,337 --> 00:49:27,089
You see these guys walkin' around,

864
00:49:27,172 --> 00:49:29,675
"Yo, this is a scam!"
Next thing you know--

865
00:49:29,758 --> 00:49:31,009
[gasping]

866
00:49:31,093 --> 00:49:32,052
No!

867
00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:33,011
[chuckles]

868
00:49:33,095 --> 00:49:35,764
[audience laughter]

869
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:44,690
I'm not gonna be on my deathbed,
"Get the vaccine!" No!

870
00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:55,659
I got the vaccine and to be honest,
I didn't get it to save my life.

871
00:49:55,742 --> 00:49:56,702
I really didn't.

872
00:49:56,785 --> 00:49:59,454
I didn't get it to save your life.

873
00:49:59,538 --> 00:50:01,540
[audience laughter]

874
00:50:02,791 --> 00:50:06,128
I got this thing, same reason
why a lot of Italians went to go get it.

875
00:50:06,211 --> 00:50:09,172
As soon as the Italian community
found out, if you get COVID,

876
00:50:09,256 --> 00:50:11,508
you lose your ability to taste food…

877
00:50:11,591 --> 00:50:13,552
[audience laughter]

878
00:50:13,635 --> 00:50:17,264
…scared the shit out of us.
I ran to get this thing.

879
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:20,600
I got two, Moderna and Pfizer,
just pump me full of this.

880
00:50:20,684 --> 00:50:23,311
I don't care if I die from the vaccine,

881
00:50:23,395 --> 00:50:27,232
at least I'm gonna die with the taste
of meatballs in my mouth. All right?

882
00:50:28,442 --> 00:50:32,154
Not goin' 15 months without tasting food.
Rather be dead.

883
00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:36,950
I got the vaccine at Walgreens.

884
00:50:38,452 --> 00:50:40,704
I was hopin' for a medical facility.

885
00:50:42,330 --> 00:50:44,833
With trained professionals, not a store

886
00:50:45,625 --> 00:50:49,087
that sells People Magazine,
tampons, and Bubble Yum.

887
00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:52,382
That doesn't sound healthy to me.

888
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:56,261
I was nervous, I was in line.

889
00:50:56,928 --> 00:51:01,224
Over the intercom, I hear,
"Assistance in vaccines."

890
00:51:01,808 --> 00:51:05,062
"Assistance in vaccines."

891
00:51:08,398 --> 00:51:11,985
Then the guy stockin' Gatorades
ran into the pharmacy.

892
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:14,446
[audience laughter]

893
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:30,670
Now I'm nervous, I'm lookin' up there.

894
00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:34,299
There was a question that
was throwing a lot of people off.

895
00:51:34,382 --> 00:51:39,471
The question was,
"What arm do you want your shot in?"

896
00:51:48,730 --> 00:51:51,441
I get up there, guy's askin' me questions.

897
00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:53,235
"You allergic to anything?"

898
00:51:53,318 --> 00:51:55,821
I said,
"I'm not gonna give you my medical history

899
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:57,656
in the middle of Walgreens."

900
00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:00,742
"Just give me the shot
and we'll find out."

901
00:52:00,826 --> 00:52:03,870
[audience laughter]

902
00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:09,417
So he jabs me with this thing,
I start to bleed.

903
00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:11,837
I'm like, "Is this normal?"

904
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:13,130
He's like, "Oh my God."

905
00:52:13,213 --> 00:52:15,549
[audience laughter]

906
00:52:20,345 --> 00:52:21,304
"Come on, bro."

907
00:52:21,388 --> 00:52:25,100
"Lie to me, make something up,
tell me 2% of the people get it,

908
00:52:25,183 --> 00:52:26,393
bleed, I'm nervous."

909
00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:32,023
He's like, "I've never seen anybody
bleed like this before."

910
00:52:32,107 --> 00:52:34,025
[audience laughter]

911
00:52:34,109 --> 00:52:34,943
[blows]

912
00:52:35,026 --> 00:52:39,781
"You want some Gatorade or something?
Got some orange, grape, frost."

913
00:52:39,865 --> 00:52:41,158
"You want a frost?"

914
00:52:41,241 --> 00:52:42,200
"What flavor?"

915
00:52:45,829 --> 00:52:49,249
Then they tell you to wait,
I don't know who's makin' up the rules.

916
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:52,502
After the shot,
they tell you to wait 15 minutes

917
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:56,631
and like an idiot, I'm like,
"Okay. Wait 15 minutes. Right here."

918
00:53:00,218 --> 00:53:01,386
"How long you been here?"

919
00:53:01,469 --> 00:53:03,471
"Eight minutes, just waitin' to pass away,

920
00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:05,348
nothin' yet, though."

921
00:53:05,432 --> 00:53:08,351
"I think I'm gonna make it.
I think it's pretty good."

922
00:53:09,519 --> 00:53:11,771
"Guy next to me had a rash
on his inner thigh."

923
00:53:11,855 --> 00:53:16,276
"I don't know if he came in with that…
but I think I'm gonna be good."

924
00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:18,528
[audience laughter]

925
00:53:20,238 --> 00:53:22,657
Fifteen minutes.
And if something does happen,

926
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:25,035
what the fuck is Walgreens gonna do?

927
00:53:26,161 --> 00:53:27,871
Are they gonna call the cashier?

928
00:53:27,954 --> 00:53:30,582
"He's foamin' at the mouth!" "Oh my God."

929
00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:35,086
"If this was a return,
I'd be able to help you out, but jeez."

930
00:53:36,254 --> 00:53:39,382
"This is above my pay grade.
It don't look good, man."

931
00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:41,760
[audience laughter]

932
00:53:44,262 --> 00:53:45,680
Fifteen minutes.

933
00:53:47,724 --> 00:53:51,228
No one went to their car
at 17 minutes and were like--

934
00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:54,397
[audience laughter]

935
00:53:56,650 --> 00:54:00,445
Fifteen minutes, you're gonna make it.
You're gonna live.

936
00:54:09,246 --> 00:54:12,749
I don't know. I'm trying to reduce
some stress in my life, I get like

937
00:54:13,583 --> 00:54:15,126
aggravated quick.

938
00:54:16,544 --> 00:54:19,547
I went to a coffee house.
This was last week.

939
00:54:19,631 --> 00:54:21,967
I was in a neighborhood that
I'm generally not in,

940
00:54:22,050 --> 00:54:23,301
but I'm dyin' for a coffee.

941
00:54:23,385 --> 00:54:28,431
Normally we all have our own coffee places
you go to on a regular basis.

942
00:54:28,515 --> 00:54:31,643
I was outta that.
I was in a different city.

943
00:54:31,726 --> 00:54:36,189
Walked into this, like a hipster coffee--
Ever get hipster coffee?

944
00:54:38,984 --> 00:54:42,904
Walked in, everybody had like
a sticker on their laptop.

945
00:54:42,988 --> 00:54:45,365
[audience laughter]

946
00:54:47,158 --> 00:54:50,453
If you're a 42-year-old grown man

947
00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:52,205
and you got a sticker

948
00:54:53,081 --> 00:54:57,919
of Chewbacca on your MacBook Pro,
you might wanna re-evaluate

949
00:54:58,461 --> 00:55:00,714
where you're goin' the rest of your life.

950
00:55:04,926 --> 00:55:07,846
I'm in line. I'm lookin'
at the guy makin' coffee,

951
00:55:07,929 --> 00:55:10,223
he's got a half-top on.

952
00:55:17,105 --> 00:55:19,274
Right away, I'm upset.

953
00:55:19,357 --> 00:55:21,484
[audience laughter]

954
00:55:21,568 --> 00:55:25,071
Just hair all over-- Oh, come on, bro.

955
00:55:25,155 --> 00:55:28,158
It's eight in the morning,
I don't wanna see hair

956
00:55:28,241 --> 00:55:30,535
funneling into a belly hole.

957
00:55:30,618 --> 00:55:31,870
This guy had no--

958
00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:35,165
No belly button. Had a belly hole--

959
00:55:35,248 --> 00:55:37,042
Do you know what lives in a belly hole?

960
00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:39,836
If you got one, go home tonight,
take an air duster,

961
00:55:39,919 --> 00:55:43,840
blow it in your hole and watch
what falls out on your table. All right?

962
00:55:44,841 --> 00:55:47,719
If you're workin' food and beverage
with an exposed belly hole,

963
00:55:47,802 --> 00:55:50,680
you might as well have your left nut
hangin' outta your shorts.

964
00:55:50,764 --> 00:55:54,851
It's the same thing.
Nut, hole, hair, just get your hole

965
00:55:54,934 --> 00:55:56,728
away from the scones.

966
00:55:56,811 --> 00:55:58,313
[audience laughter]

967
00:55:58,396 --> 00:56:00,523
This guy's goin' in for a croissant,

968
00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:05,195
and his hole is up against the scones,
no one's seein' this? Apron!

969
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:18,875
And the workforce
we got out there today, piss poor.

970
00:56:18,958 --> 00:56:20,460
The labor force?

971
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:24,130
Ever order something from someone
and in your head, you're like,

972
00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,133
"I ain't getting that.
That's not coming out."

973
00:56:32,222 --> 00:56:35,892
I ordered the coffee from him
and then he told me to go wait over there.

974
00:56:35,975 --> 00:56:37,852
This is awkward.
When you're in a coffee place,

975
00:56:37,936 --> 00:56:39,312
you gotta wait

976
00:56:39,396 --> 00:56:41,231
with other people

977
00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:42,399
for your coffee.

978
00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:46,027
It's an awkward entrance into that group,
right, 'cause you come in and--

979
00:56:46,111 --> 00:56:47,237
"Hi!"

980
00:56:49,447 --> 00:56:51,658
"What are you guys waiting for? A coffee?"

981
00:56:56,246 --> 00:56:57,956
"What'd you get?"

982
00:56:59,666 --> 00:57:01,251
"I got a cappuccino. You?"

983
00:57:01,334 --> 00:57:03,878
"I don't know,
whatever he feels like makin' me."

984
00:57:09,426 --> 00:57:13,763
I ordered a hot coffee and he brought out
iced coffee and I'm like, "Okay."

985
00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:15,849
"Looks like I'm drinking it cold."

986
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:21,062
I'm not one of these guys that stops
the whole op-- "Excuse me!"

987
00:57:22,021 --> 00:57:23,523
"I ordered a hot coffee."

988
00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:26,568
"I got an iced coffee."

989
00:57:26,651 --> 00:57:30,280
What are you gonna do?
It's gonna throw this guy's whole day off.

990
00:57:30,780 --> 00:57:33,366
He's not gonna be able to process that.

991
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:36,828
You give him a whole different thing.
He was gonna make a--

992
00:57:36,911 --> 00:57:38,913
A cappuccino.

993
00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:42,542
"I was gonna make a cappuccino,
now he said…"

994
00:57:43,751 --> 00:57:45,545
"He said he wants hot coffee."

995
00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:50,842
I just took the iced coffee. No straw.

996
00:57:51,551 --> 00:57:52,844
They don't give you a straw.

997
00:57:52,927 --> 00:57:56,097
You gotta ask,
and it's made outta chalk and plywood.

998
00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:58,516
I don't know what's going on
with the straws.

999
00:57:58,600 --> 00:58:01,102
I don't know,
apparently a turtle died in the ocean.

1000
00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:04,564
Now I gotta get a brain aneurysm
trying to suck liquid

1001
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:06,858
through a straw made out of drywall.

1002
00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:08,985
Just bring the straws back.

1003
00:58:09,068 --> 00:58:10,653
[audience laughter]

1004
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,197
They're disintegrating.

1005
00:58:12,780 --> 00:58:14,741
In the middle of the drink. [spits]

1006
00:58:15,867 --> 00:58:19,370
Nah, it's good.
One turtle died for this shit?

1007
00:58:19,454 --> 00:58:21,456
[spitting]

1008
00:58:33,009 --> 00:58:39,057
I was FaceTiming my dad,
my dad is 76 years old, all right?

1009
00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:40,558
He's falling apart.

1010
00:58:42,227 --> 00:58:44,938
If you got parents in this age range,

1011
00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:46,397
everything hurts, right?

1012
00:58:46,481 --> 00:58:50,777
Every time you talk to them,
they're gonna tell you what's goin' on

1013
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:52,987
with their body. All right?

1014
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,782
I FaceTime him last week,
ask, "What's going on?"

1015
00:58:55,865 --> 00:58:59,035
"What's going on?!
I can't see nothing outta my left eye."

1016
00:58:59,118 --> 00:58:59,953
"That's what."

1017
00:59:03,831 --> 00:59:05,917
Every time I call,
it's something different,

1018
00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:07,794
the pain travels.

1019
00:59:09,879 --> 00:59:11,965
I call him up, "What's up with the eye?"

1020
00:59:12,048 --> 00:59:15,885
"Not the eye anymore. Look at this.
I can't move my hand."

1021
00:59:16,636 --> 00:59:19,556
"I got a claw now for a hand.
I can't move it."

1022
00:59:24,227 --> 00:59:28,022
Ever see your parents aging
just right in front of you?

1023
00:59:28,648 --> 00:59:30,441
He called me yesterday on FaceTime.

1024
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:33,611
He's like, "Did I call you,
or did you call me?" What?

1025
00:59:33,695 --> 00:59:35,029
[audience laughter]

1026
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:43,788
He recently told me
what's gonna happen when he dies.

1027
00:59:43,871 --> 00:59:47,584
Italians talk about death,
it's really out in the open.

1028
00:59:48,293 --> 00:59:49,961
Especially old-school Italians.

1029
00:59:50,044 --> 00:59:52,463
They pay for everything
while they're alive,

1030
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:54,465
so the kids don't have to do it.

1031
00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:57,135
He's like,
"When I die, you cry. That's it."

1032
00:59:58,219 --> 01:00:01,014
"You call Mario
at the Cumberland Funeral Home when I die,

1033
01:00:01,097 --> 01:00:01,973
that's it."

1034
01:00:02,056 --> 01:00:04,017
"Everything's paid for, in advance."

1035
01:00:04,892 --> 01:00:09,397
You don't see Italians on Facebook
doing a fundraiser for Nonno's casket.

1036
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:10,315
All right?

1037
01:00:10,815 --> 01:00:12,066
Shit's taken care of.

1038
01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:18,906
He told me he don't wanna go
in the ground, he got a drawer…

1039
01:00:20,825 --> 01:00:22,327
in a mausoleum.

1040
01:00:23,119 --> 01:00:25,121
He's like, "Come on,
I want you to see it."

1041
01:00:25,204 --> 01:00:27,915
"I wanna take you to the mausoleum,
see what I bought."

1042
01:00:27,999 --> 01:00:29,459
It was a wall.

1043
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:31,836
"Come on, we'll go."

1044
01:00:34,547 --> 01:00:35,506
So, we're there,

1045
01:00:35,590 --> 01:00:39,135
he's like,
"I'm the third one in on the top."

1046
01:00:39,218 --> 01:00:40,928
"Your mother's gonna go in first."

1047
01:00:41,012 --> 01:00:43,765
"I don't wanna go in the back.
She's gonna go in first."

1048
01:00:43,848 --> 01:00:46,225
"And then I wanna be by the wall."

1049
01:00:50,104 --> 01:00:50,938
[chuckles]

1050
01:00:51,022 --> 01:00:52,899
"What does it matter? You're dead."

1051
01:00:53,816 --> 01:00:57,487
"'Cause I wanna be by the wall,
just in case they gotta take me out."

1052
01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:06,871
I go, "Yeah, but now--
Why don't you get one down here?"

1053
01:01:06,954 --> 01:01:09,457
"So I could put some flowers there."

1054
01:01:09,540 --> 01:01:12,043
He goes, "Are you nuts?
They want an extra 20 grand."

1055
01:01:12,126 --> 01:01:14,379
I said, "Put me by the ceiling.
Take the 20 grand,

1056
01:01:14,462 --> 01:01:16,214
split it between you and your sister."

1057
01:01:17,715 --> 01:01:20,009
I go, "Now I gotta crane my head when I--"

1058
01:01:20,927 --> 01:01:22,470
"I gotta throw shit up there."

1059
01:01:22,553 --> 01:01:25,098
[yells]

1060
01:01:26,265 --> 01:01:27,392
[yells]

1061
01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:28,893
"I love you."

1062
01:01:34,440 --> 01:01:37,902
My dad wants the whole thing, a wake.
The whole thing.

1063
01:01:38,486 --> 01:01:42,532
He don't want no-- People do this now,
celebration of life, right?

1064
01:01:42,615 --> 01:01:47,829
He's like, "I don't want a celebration,
I don't want anybody happy when I die!"

1065
01:01:47,912 --> 01:01:49,914
[audience laughter]

1066
01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:58,506
We went out to dinner recently.

1067
01:02:00,007 --> 01:02:01,384
We're having the dinner.

1068
01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:04,512
I told him, I gotta go to the bathroom.

1069
01:02:04,595 --> 01:02:06,681
He's like, "Me too. Let's go."

1070
01:02:08,850 --> 01:02:10,476
I'm like, "No. You go."

1071
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:14,647
"Then you come back, and I'll go."

1072
01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:18,359
Like, "What, you gonna be alone here?
I'm gonna be alone?"

1073
01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:19,652
"We'll go together."

1074
01:02:20,153 --> 01:02:21,028
Okay, so…

1075
01:02:22,155 --> 01:02:24,907
My father and I,
we go to the restroom together.

1076
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:28,035
Now, he takes the stall, I take a urinal.

1077
01:02:28,119 --> 01:02:32,665
Now, my father has
an enlarged prostate, right?

1078
01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:38,087
Which means when he goes to the bathroom,
it's not a steady stream.

1079
01:02:38,755 --> 01:02:41,090
It comes out in sections.

1080
01:02:41,632 --> 01:02:42,550
Okay?

1081
01:02:43,134 --> 01:02:47,722
Now he's in there and he's swearing
while he's going to the bathroom.

1082
01:02:47,805 --> 01:02:48,639
He's like,

1083
01:02:48,723 --> 01:02:50,475
"Sa--! Fuck, come on!"

1084
01:02:51,559 --> 01:02:52,810
[grunts]

1085
01:02:53,436 --> 01:02:54,562
"Pssht-pssht!"

1086
01:02:55,229 --> 01:02:57,648
"See-- uh, you bitch!"

1087
01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,609
"Come on, you fuck!"

1088
01:03:00,359 --> 01:03:01,527
"Pssht!"

1089
01:03:02,445 --> 01:03:03,821
[yells]

1090
01:03:12,413 --> 01:03:15,666
While this is going on,
another guy walks in.

1091
01:03:17,543 --> 01:03:19,504
And he gets to the urinal next to me.

1092
01:03:19,587 --> 01:03:22,673
This guy's loud.
Ever get these loud pissers that come in?

1093
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:23,925
Everything they do is like--

1094
01:03:24,008 --> 01:03:24,842
[groans loudly]

1095
01:03:25,676 --> 01:03:26,594
[groans]

1096
01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:31,891
What's going on
with your upper respiratory system

1097
01:03:32,433 --> 01:03:35,520
that you're coming
into a public restroom this way?

1098
01:03:37,063 --> 01:03:41,359
Then he leans on the wall.
Ever see a guy, he's gotta put a hand up?

1099
01:03:41,442 --> 01:03:43,945
What happened to you
the last time you went?

1100
01:03:44,028 --> 01:03:45,154
Did you fall in?

1101
01:03:45,238 --> 01:03:48,783
And now you gotta
brace yourself to go? What?

1102
01:03:51,035 --> 01:03:52,912
Then he starts texting.

1103
01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:55,581
He's got one hand here
and he starts texting.

1104
01:03:55,665 --> 01:03:59,669
Listen, you gotta remain in contact
with this at all times.

1105
01:03:59,752 --> 01:04:02,505
You can't let this go,
it could go all over the wall.

1106
01:04:02,588 --> 01:04:06,467
You gotta remain
in contact with it, all right?

1107
01:04:07,385 --> 01:04:10,179
Now while this is going on,
my father is still--

1108
01:04:10,263 --> 01:04:16,394
[cursing in Italian]

1109
01:04:16,477 --> 01:04:21,691
[in English] "I'm hungry, come on!
Goddamn shit-s!"

1110
01:04:27,113 --> 01:04:28,364
And this guy

1111
01:04:29,615 --> 01:04:32,159
he starts to go.
I don't know what's coming out of him.

1112
01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:36,664
It's like, honey, it's thick.
Ever get these thick pissers?

1113
01:04:37,915 --> 01:04:39,041
[chuckles]

1114
01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:42,253
He's pissing on the urinal cake
and it's loud.

1115
01:04:42,336 --> 01:04:45,089
It's just, "Get off the cake, man."

1116
01:04:46,215 --> 01:04:48,676
He's like pissing honey, it's just like--

1117
01:04:49,927 --> 01:04:52,597
When I go, I'm quiet, it's quiet.

1118
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:57,351
I go off to the left-hand side,
it just runs down the gutter

1119
01:04:57,435 --> 01:05:01,772
and trickles into the drain quiet.

1120
01:05:01,856 --> 01:05:03,816
I piss like a Tesla.

1121
01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:06,360
[audience laughter]

1122
01:05:06,444 --> 01:05:09,113
You guys are great. God bless, Las Vegas.

1123
01:05:09,989 --> 01:05:12,158
Thanks for coming out to the show.

1124
01:05:12,241 --> 01:05:16,162
[audience cheering and applauding]

1125
01:05:16,245 --> 01:05:19,081
[big band music playing]

1126
01:05:22,668 --> 01:05:26,255
[audience cheering]

1127
01:05:31,969 --> 01:05:34,889
[big band music continues]