Let me tell you, Dar, a collection like
this doesn't come together overnight.
It took me years of strategic trades and
a keen eye for value to put this thing together.
My entire youth is right here in this binder,
and one day, I plan to pass it down to you.
Thanks, but I have my own cards.
Yeah, but those aren't collectibles, okay.
That's a kid's game. They're basically just UNO cards
with the Japanese monsters on 'em.
They got no lasting value.
Who cares? They're fun.
Nah, I'll tell you what's fun.
Turning a card collection into a vacation house.
Oh...kay... I'd say you're looking at 40, maybe 50 bucks.
For the uh... that's for the Wally Joyner?
Uh... no. The whole collection.
Pfft.
That can't be right, dude. These are vintage.
Vintage Junk Wax Era--
Late '80s, early '90s, they
overprinted the hell out of these.
Unless you've got big-name rookies,
rare errors, or PSA 10 inserts,
these are worth a big, fat NADA.
Alright you know what? Forget it. Give me this.
I'll be back, pal. With a collection
worth more than this whole frickin' shop.
Let's go, Dar.
We've wasted enough of this dork's time.
No way! Firetail Scorpionyx!
Oh, sick!
I'll give you $150 for that right now.
Alright, you know what? Screw the whole frickin' planet.
♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪
♪ until them robots came along, ♪
♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪
♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪
♪ Thanks to UBI.
♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪
♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪
♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪
Oh man, this is fun, Mark.
Splittin' a box of cards. It's like we're kids again.
Except the uh, packs cost five times as much.
Oh my G-- Are you serious? Another Mark Canha?
How many frickin' Mark Canha's are in this set?
Hey, look. Mark! I got an Aaron Judge!
Holy crap?! Rookie card?!
I mean... yeah, it's not bad.
Rookie card's pretty valuable, right?
Ah, it depends.
A lot of people don't like rookie cards
because you know... they don't got any stats, so...
- Oh. True. - Tell ya what.
I'm feelin' generous...
You give me that Aaron Judge and I'll give you...
Man... Shouldn't do this. Should not do this.
But uh... I'll give you this bad boy.
1990, near mint, Baltimore Orioles sticker card
with the old school, cartoon logo.
Ooooh. That's nice.
But Aaron Judge does hit a lot of home runs.
Alright, I'll tell you what--
I'll throw in this uh, checklist card, okay.
It's like 40 cards in one right there.
Whoa...
Ah, dammit. These frickin' guys again.
They've been here all week, making a ruckus.
Hey yo! Would you stop yappin'? We're doin' business over here!
C'mon, Mark. Be nice. I like crows.
No, they're annoying.
So, we doin' this or what, okay? It's a limited time offer.
Yeah, okay.
Ah, it's a good trade, dude.
You're really sharpening your instincts, lemme tell you.
Yo! What the hell?! Hey! Drop it! Hey!
You think that's funny?!
Yo gimme that frickin' card back!
Gah!
Oh, be careful, Mark.
I hear crows hold long grudges.
Yeah well so do I.
Yeah, that's right!
Frickin' sky rats.
Uh... hey Mark.
Oh come on! Dammit!
Ugh, stupid birds...ah.
Maybe just leave them alone.
No. It's been three days of non-stop harassment.
Do you wanna spend the rest of our
lives in a frickin' Hitchcock movie?
So what, you're gonna shoot them with a water gun?
That's the plan?
Uh, it's not just a "water gun," Tam, okay?
This is the Rainreaper AR-9000 Tactical... Hydro Rifle.
Ah!
There we go. Let's do this.
Hey, Mark! I got some more cards!
Where's Mark?
Mark? What are you doing?
Shh, yo. Get down.
What's going on?
- War. - Oh. With who?
Crows.
Oh.
Go time.
♪ [action] ♪
Hey scumbags!
Time for a bird bath!
Yeah, you like that?
Fall back, fall back!
Just a temporary setback.
This is a war of attrition, okay. No backing down.
The hell is that?
Oh it's a snack.
Here you go, birdies.
Why are you feeding them, dude? They're never gonna leave now!
Well good riddance, you frickin' uh, winged degenerates.
C'mon Mark. They're good birds.
They're just misunderstood.
And they're back.
This is exactly why you don't negotiate with terrorists.
Wait a minute. It's got something in its mouth.
I think it's a gift.
Oh, my God.
I stand corrected.
This is exactly why you negotiate with terrorists.
And Darren playing his second Scorpionyx,
knocks out Ji Hoon's Plagueworm for damage +6.
Solid turn but, is it too little too late?
What's Ji Hoon gonna do?
Summon... Phoenix... Voltura... Gold Edition.
Ohhh.
Cast Double Rush and attack with Hellhoof.
Oh!!!
Holy macaroni!
Ji Hoon with a knockout blow on a D-Rush Hellhoof combo!
That's the eighth win in a row for
Ji Hoon, who will be taking home the "Black Obelisk!"
Wow!
Oh man that thing is sweet.
Bro, this kid's unbeatable, and
now he cops a Black Obelisk. Rich get richer.
Dude, you got a solid deck.
Okay? Keep your head up.
That kid Charlie from Willy Wonka wasn't
rich but all it took was one
sick pull and bam! Golden Ticket.
Whoa. What's going on here?
Oh, I'm just educating myself on these incredible animals.
Not enough people appreciate the intricate intelligence of birds.
It's really astonishing.
Alright. Ken Griffey uh, Senior.
Alright, we're getting close. Were getting closer.
Nice work, Cam.
[caw]
Wow. You're like a regular Cinderella.
Oh yeah. I'm a big crow guy now.
They actually got a pretty complex language.
I've been learning it. And I've been
training them to find the valuable cards.
No frickin' way, yo.
That's a no joke card right there.
Nice job, buddy! There we go.
Ay. Whoa. C'mon dude. Give it.
[caw caw caw]
What's he saying?
Says he wants more than food. Hm.
He wants us to do them a favor?
Uhh... I don't know, Mark. This seems a little sketchy.
Hank, it's just a scarecrow, okay?
The farmer's not even gonna know it's gone.
It just... seems like a little much for a football card.
Hank... this isn't about the cards.
It's about the crows.
Sure, we look at a scarecrow and we think
it's just a weird straw guy, but to them-- it's fear.
It's rejection.
How would you feel if you walked into
a restaurant and there was a ScareHank
standing at the host stand?
Uh... pretty weirded out.
Exactly.
But I got no doubt that if you asked those
crows to destroy it for you, they would in a heartbeat.
You know why?
Because they're good birds, Hank.
They're good birds.
Yeah... okay.
Darren?
What are you doing?
Oh just... clearing out that robin's nest.
Uhh... what?
Nice job there, Darren. Here ya go.
Sick. Thanks, Mark.
Hey, don't thank me. Thank the crows.
Why are you dressed like Alice Cooper?
Yeah, going for more of a dark vibe.
Dr. Michael Chalupa says it relaxes
them and helps them form a bond.
Barry Bonds, baby.
Small price to pay for ripping out David's wind chimes.
Uh... What?
Yeah, apparently it, uh, sound annoys him.
I dunno.
- Oh, speaking of which... - What's this?
That, my friend, is a Topps Mascot
Legend Phanatic Game-Worn Fur Edition.
The boys want to say thanks for y'know, handling the scarecrow.
Oh, okay.
Dude the cards they're bringing me, unbelievable.
See, it's all about "conditioning."
If they do something for me, I reinforce the behavior.
It's animal psychology 101.
Yeah. Right.
Hey, Hank, you mind, uh, running out
and grabbing some more of the trail mix?
Uh... sure.
Awesome, bud, 'preciate it.
Oh, uh, get the, uh, premium kind with the macadamia nuts.
The crows actually have pretty refined palates.
Frickin' crows. Gotta love 'em.
Caw, caw. Caw, caw.
Summon Glowdiver.
Deal 3 damage to all your water 'Mons. Boom.
Not bad. Not bad.
I guess I'll have to just play this little guy.
Black Obelisk.
Oh, no way! You got a Black Obelisk?
That's insane!
Where'd you get that?
Uh, my stepdad got it for me for doing... chores. Why?
- Mine was stolen. - Stolen?
Yeah. I was playing in my backyard and
some bird just snatched it right out of my hand.
Oh... uh... that's weird.
Uh... Mark?
Yo yo, my crow bro.
I uh, didn't think you were a jewelry guy.
Ah, you know, a little gift from the boys.
That's, uh... not your name.
Eh, close enough.
Yeah. Uh, can I talk to you? In private?
Uh, I mean, I'm not sure what you can't say in front of the
most loyal, trustworthy birds ever, but okay.
Sup?
I'm starting to think that these uh... aren't good birds.
Aw come on, Hank. You said it yourself.
They're just misunderstood.
What the hell, Mark?
Did the crows steal this card?
What? What're you talking about?
Ji Hoon said that his Black Obelisk was stolen by a bird.
Pfft! Yeah, no way, okay. Must've been a uh, robin.
I dunno, Mark, uh...
where do you think they're getting all these cards?
Uh. Landfills? Dead people's houses?
I dunno. Listen, they're still wild animals.
Just 'cause I'm training them doesn't
mean I control everything they do.
Well maybe you should uh, stop.
I mean... how many cards do you need?
Hank, I took a lot of pride in that card collection, okay.
Do you know how insulting it is for some
nerd with a spreadsheet to tell me that my
entire youth was wasted collecting junk?
These crows, they're not just bringing me cards--
they're helping me take back what's mine.
I deserve these cards.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be at town hall in 20 minutes.
I'm pitching to town council to classify
Blue Jays as an invasive species.
Yeahhhh...
Uh yeah, hi is this the uh, Princeton Ornithi-
.. Ornit-logical... D-- Bird Department?
Uh. Can I speak with a uh... Dr. Michael Chalupa?
The aquarium?
Uh... excuse me? Uh, sir?
For the last time, I'm not diddling the rays.
I'm studying its cloaca.
Uh... eh, it's about crows?
I don't know anything about crows.
But aren't you Dr. Michael Chalupa?
I go by Fred Fries now.
Oh uh, sorry, er, Dr. Fries.
Uh... So, I kinda need your help with some crows.
I study only coastal reef and sandbar animals now.
Well, it's just, uh... y'know, my brother, he uh,
I think he's going down a bad path ever since he started
training crows to bring him baseball cards.
He's not training those crows.
They're training him.
What?
In my past life, I was the world's foremost crow expert.
I lived among them. Wrote the book.
But even I didn't grasp how diabolical they were.
They find your weakness. For me, it was Lego.
- Legos? - No!
The plural of Lego is Lego.
It started small. A few random bricks.
Soon they were bringing me all kinds of rare pieces.
Modulars and the like.
But then they wanted more than cashews.
And I started doing things that still haunt me--
They wanted me to destroy my neighbor's fake owl.
Smash a raven's nest.
Burn a scarecrow.
Then one day, they invited me to their roost.
Said I was to become their "Crowmaster"
And they brought me the minifig I most coveted:
Cloud City Boba Fett.
But in return, they asked me to do something... unspeakable.
It was a bridge too far.
I refused.
And in return, they took my eyes!
Now go! I've already said too much.
Wait, but I...
Listen! Unless you want to hear how a starfish's
anus also functions as its mouth...
I suggest you get out!
Mark! Mark?
Hank?
Hey Tammy, have you seen Mark?
Yeah, he left a while ago.
I told him he needed to get rid of those
crows so they stopped pooping on the garage.
He had a tantrum and stormed off.
- Where'd he go? - I don't know.
Some new bar or something called The Roost.
Oh no.
Uh, Dr. Chalupa--
I mean uh... Fred Fries?
I really need your help.
What did I tell you?
But uh-- My brother, He's at The Roost.
Then it's already too late.
Oh man. Alright, well...
I brought you something just to, uh, y'know, say thanks.
Cloud City Boba Fett...
Oh actually, it's just a regular uh--
Alright. Let's go.
What?
[clicking]
What are you doing?
Echolocation. I see with sound.
Oh. Gotcha, yeah.
Cause, y'know I'm uh, happy to drive.
There's no time.
So, uh, why'd you change your name?
Witness Crow-tection.
Witness Crow-tection?
After years of relentless harassment, I lost everything.
I had nothing left but vengeance.
But hate, it takes a toll.
One day I realized I was no better
than the crows I so reviled.
Resolved to move on, I became Fred Fries.
Oh, wow.
Whoa, whoa! Watch it!
Sorry. Forgot I can't talk and drive.
♪ [eerie]
Caw caw.
A special gift, for a special friend.
Oh, nice.
Is this like uh... Baltimore Ravens
feather-cut limited edition Lamar Jackson?
It's a feather.
Oh. Okay.
This feather is our highest honor.
A symbol of our bond.
The Council of the Marlton Murder has
chosen you to become... our human champion...
The Crow Master.
Caw, caw. Caw, caw.
Oh nice. Appreciate that.
It's a huge honor.
But first... you must pass a final test of loyalty.
Okay that's uh... questionable.
This intruder was found encroaching on our territory.
He killed three of our brothers.
You must take care of this... monster.
Oh yeah no problem, dude. Always wanted a pet eagle.
No. You must shoot it in the face.
Oh.
We're here.
Barnes & Noble?
Closest thing this town has to an abandoned clock tower.
Ice Falcon attacks.
Four damage to your Mummy Snake.
Your move, Darren. Just go ahead.
Play your Black Obelisk and end it.
[sigh] Listen Ji Hoon, that card might actually be yours.
- Here. - Oh wow.
Thanks man.
Nah, you have it.
What?
Look. I appreciate you being honest, but
the truth is, I already have a ton of good cards.
You deserve it man.
Oh... um... thanks.
Well uh, I guess I play Black Obelisk then.
Darren, dropping the hammer.
That deals six damage across the board.
Or does it?
Noooo!
Ji Hoon counters and reverses with the
ultra-rare White Obelisk for the win!
I've never even seen that card in real life!
Okay, I'm done.
Can I just sell this?
What's this?
A wire. So I can translate for you.
Alright. Going in.
Are you out of your mind?
No human can just walk into the roost.
They'll eat you alive.
Oh. Uh... so what's the plan?
Alright. Now just act like you belong.
Oh, uh... hello.
Uh... Squawk, squawk, squawk?
Nice feathers.
Dammit, Hank! You can't speak English! Caw!
Oh. Right. Sorry.
Repeat after me.
And it's very important you say exactly what I say.
Now remember, I'm an expert.
Copy. yeah.
Caw, caw. Caw, caw, caw.
I dunno, man. This uh... it's kinda messed up.
Can I just drive it to Canada or something?
Perhaps we can sweeten the deal.
Dude... No way. You gotta be kidding me.
That's the uh-- 1990-91 Hoops #205.
Mark Jackson.
Menendez brothers courtside.
Signed by Eric and Lyle.
Cam...
Ah-ah-ah. Not yet.
Business first.
Oh no. I gotta do something.
We're too late. Get out of there!
[sigh] Man...
Mark! Don't do it!
You fool! You're a dead man!
- Hank? - They're manipulating you.
Come on, dude. You see this card?
- I'm training them. - No.
They're training you.
Don't listen to him.
We have what in nature is referred
to as a "symbiotic relationship."
We help each other get what we want.
Mark, it's not just about value.
It's about the cost.
Is having expensive cards really
worth shooting an eagle in the face?
The real value of cards is the fun
times we spend together building out collections.
Yeah... I can't do this.
But I thought we were brothers.
Nah, I already got a brother.
And he doesn't make me kill eagles for trading cards.
Shame. Sheryl Crow--
... Peck his eyes out.
[bang!] I don't negotiate with terrorists.
Uh... yeah, this isn't good.
Dammit!
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
They're actually pretty weak! Just keep punching them.
They've got hollow bones.
I don't know if I can hold them off much longer, Mark.
Caw!
Ha ha ha ha.
Hello old friends.
Chalupa.
I come with a peace offering.
Ultra-premium Kirkland Brand trail
mix with Goji berries, raw peanuts,
and truffle-infused cashews.
Caw caw caw caw.
Argh!
Run!
Wait but what about--
Go! Now!
Um Hank, let's go!
Go. C'mon. We gotta go.
Time for a little.. quid pro Crow.
No!
Fly eagles fly.
Go Birds.
I gotta say, uh... Really nice of
Chalupa to die for us and whatnot.
Solid dude. Solid dude.
Yeah, and I really enjoyed his posthumously published book.
Alright... so I gotta say, this new box has some juicy pulls.
I'd say uh... sixty bucks.
Sixty bucks?!
Yeah, well... they're beaked.
Beaked? Ah, dammit!
You uh... might not wanna keep your
collection near your pet parakeet.
Holy... is that what I think it is?
The puzzle card?
Oh yeah, I think that's the San Diego Chicken's uh, leg.
No! This checklist!
Wait... what?
No. This is it. W-wow. See?
Boston Red... Cox?
Bingo! I think they only printed twelve of these things.
I'll give you $900 for this right now.