1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,116 - [Announcer] Everybody, welcome Kurt Braunholer. 4 00:00:20,192 --> 00:00:21,814 - Thank you, guys. 5 00:00:21,814 --> 00:00:22,643 Oh man. 6 00:00:25,646 --> 00:00:27,096 So, I'm a dad now. 7 00:00:28,476 --> 00:00:30,375 No, don't even, don't, don't. 8 00:00:31,514 --> 00:00:33,585 I mean, just the environmental impact 9 00:00:33,585 --> 00:00:35,035 of having those children is... 10 00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:38,452 It's horrible. 11 00:00:40,212 --> 00:00:41,489 I'm a dad. 12 00:00:41,489 --> 00:00:45,528 So, ma life finally caught up with ma looks. 13 00:00:47,357 --> 00:00:50,464 Just been looking like a dad for 40 years 14 00:00:52,293 --> 00:00:53,260 without kids. 15 00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:55,469 Honestly, it was getting creepy. 16 00:00:55,469 --> 00:00:56,263 You know? 17 00:00:57,471 --> 00:01:00,474 People were like, "That dad seems too drunk." 18 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:06,652 Now it's like, "Hey, that dad is too drunk." 19 00:01:11,795 --> 00:01:13,625 My daughter calls me Papa. 20 00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:15,075 - [Audience] Aw. 21 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,214 - Yeah. 22 00:01:16,214 --> 00:01:19,631 Because we, as a society, ruined daddy. 23 00:01:22,496 --> 00:01:24,912 Nobody's ever said, "Choke me, Papa." 24 00:01:30,020 --> 00:01:31,643 Maybe Barbra Streisand. 25 00:01:34,542 --> 00:01:36,579 So, now my daughter has to refer to me 26 00:01:36,579 --> 00:01:40,617 like we live in a French fishing village in the '20s. 27 00:01:40,617 --> 00:01:42,550 Like, "Will we eat today, Papa?" 28 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,175 "I don't rightly know, Daughter." 29 00:01:51,249 --> 00:01:53,458 But it's been a little tough at home 30 00:01:54,631 --> 00:01:56,737 because I live with an anti-vaxxer. 31 00:01:57,703 --> 00:01:59,498 Yeah, my four-year-old. 32 00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,607 And I thought it was just 'cause she didn't like needles, 33 00:02:04,607 --> 00:02:05,815 you know? 34 00:02:05,815 --> 00:02:06,988 But then I saw her drawing this picture, 35 00:02:06,988 --> 00:02:07,817 and I was like, "What is this, honey?" 36 00:02:07,817 --> 00:02:08,887 She's like, "Oh this? 37 00:02:08,887 --> 00:02:10,337 This is just Bill Gates 38 00:02:10,337 --> 00:02:14,479 trying to inject his microchip into me, Daddy." 39 00:02:14,479 --> 00:02:15,307 And I was like, "All right, that's it. 40 00:02:15,307 --> 00:02:16,584 We're taking a bath." 41 00:02:16,584 --> 00:02:18,897 And she's like, "666 is the number of the beast. 42 00:02:18,897 --> 00:02:21,313 The vaccine was created by a supercomputer in Belgium." 43 00:02:21,313 --> 00:02:23,143 I'm like, "All right, no more YouTube." 44 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,145 But she's like, "Go get poked, you cop." 45 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,288 "No more 'Joe Rogan Experience' for you. 46 00:02:34,706 --> 00:02:36,742 It was a mistake to subscribe you." 47 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:49,479 I have two children, and two is, oh man. 48 00:02:50,929 --> 00:02:55,589 It's more than one, and it's so much more than one, 49 00:02:55,589 --> 00:02:59,386 and I just don't know if I like who I am with two children. 50 00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:00,973 Do you know what I mean? 51 00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:03,321 Recently at the dinner table, 52 00:03:03,321 --> 00:03:06,220 I screamed at my entire family, 53 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:09,258 "I don't care if everyone's crying. 54 00:03:09,258 --> 00:03:11,087 I'm eating." 55 00:03:15,885 --> 00:03:17,507 I don't want to be that man. 56 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:22,650 I legitimately whispered under my breath 57 00:03:22,650 --> 00:03:23,858 to a one-year-old, 58 00:03:23,858 --> 00:03:25,791 "Oh, you're such a fuckin' baby." 59 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,107 No, no. 60 00:03:35,284 --> 00:03:40,289 And, man, when I had one kid, I was so cocky about it. 61 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,671 If someone was like, 62 00:03:43,671 --> 00:03:45,052 "Hey, man, we're thinking about having a kid. 63 00:03:45,052 --> 00:03:45,984 Should we?" 64 00:03:45,984 --> 00:03:49,643 I'd be like, "Hey, is it hard? 65 00:03:50,782 --> 00:03:51,610 Yeah. 66 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:59,722 But what that's worth doing isn't hard?" 67 00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:04,036 And then if someone's like, 68 00:04:04,036 --> 00:04:05,383 "Hey man, should we have a second kid?" 69 00:04:05,383 --> 00:04:06,625 I'm like, "Don't talk to me. 70 00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:09,041 I have 15 minutes to drink this vodka soda 71 00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:10,526 before going to bed, 72 00:04:10,526 --> 00:04:12,286 because every minute that he sleeps that I don't sleep, 73 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,874 he gets stronger than me." 74 00:04:20,639 --> 00:04:22,262 I want to be a good dad. 75 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,470 You know? I want to be. 76 00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:25,506 I be mean, most dads want to be good dads, 77 00:04:25,506 --> 00:04:27,612 except for those pieces of shit, you know? 78 00:04:32,824 --> 00:04:33,894 I want to be a good dad, 79 00:04:33,894 --> 00:04:36,828 so I got a vasectomy right away. 80 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:44,284 I was like, no more me. 81 00:04:45,388 --> 00:04:47,770 The vasectomy was weird. 82 00:04:48,702 --> 00:04:51,049 I was hard the whole time, 83 00:04:52,913 --> 00:04:55,295 and the doctor was like, "What's going on, man?" 84 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,849 And I was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Doc, 85 00:04:57,849 --> 00:05:00,334 if I'm excited to relieve my wife 86 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,612 of the responsibility of birth control 87 00:05:02,612 --> 00:05:04,407 for the rest of her life. 88 00:05:04,407 --> 00:05:06,685 So, just grab onto this shaft 89 00:05:06,685 --> 00:05:09,481 and neuter the patriarchy, bro." 90 00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,213 And he's like, "You don't know how this works, 91 00:05:17,213 --> 00:05:18,041 do you?" 92 00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:21,010 I was like, "I do not." 93 00:05:23,771 --> 00:05:24,600 No, but I do. 94 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,049 I want to be a good dad. 95 00:05:26,049 --> 00:05:30,364 I don't necessarily have a great blueprint for a good dad. 96 00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:35,473 My dad's, he's like a guy, you know? 97 00:05:36,577 --> 00:05:38,027 Here, I'll tell you a story. 98 00:05:38,027 --> 00:05:40,892 Recently, my brother called me, and he's like, 99 00:05:40,892 --> 00:05:42,825 "Hey, I'm with Dad. 100 00:05:42,825 --> 00:05:46,276 Dad wants to know, are you on a CarMax commercial?" 101 00:05:46,276 --> 00:05:48,831 And I was like, "No, I'm not in a CarMax commercial." 102 00:05:48,831 --> 00:05:50,211 And then I hear him go, 103 00:05:50,211 --> 00:05:52,421 "No, he's not in a CarMax commercial," 104 00:05:52,421 --> 00:05:53,525 then in the background, 105 00:05:53,525 --> 00:05:56,252 I hear my dad go, "Yes he is." 106 00:06:00,774 --> 00:06:05,157 So, in case you haven't seen this CarMax commercial, 107 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,159 very funny comedian, 108 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:09,472 the similarities between us are that 109 00:06:09,472 --> 00:06:12,924 we have glasses and are white, 110 00:06:12,924 --> 00:06:14,028 and that is it. 111 00:06:16,548 --> 00:06:20,207 And so what's nice is that my dad insisted my brother 112 00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:22,899 give me a call just to let me know 113 00:06:22,899 --> 00:06:26,178 he has no idea what I look or sound like, 114 00:06:28,940 --> 00:06:31,598 which would be weird for most dads, 115 00:06:33,013 --> 00:06:37,431 but my dad has eight children from many different women 116 00:06:38,846 --> 00:06:42,678 'cause my dad loves to fuck, hates wearing a condom. 117 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,406 Which is a weird irresponsibility 118 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,995 that results in so much more responsibility. 119 00:06:54,621 --> 00:06:59,177 So, my eldest sister is 60 years old 120 00:06:59,177 --> 00:07:03,423 and my youngest two sisters are 19. 121 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,838 Twins right at the end. 122 00:07:04,838 --> 00:07:06,322 Go fuck yourself, Dad. 123 00:07:09,256 --> 00:07:11,396 ♪ Twins at 62 124 00:07:11,396 --> 00:07:12,570 ♪ Bamp-bamp 125 00:07:12,570 --> 00:07:15,814 ♪ Twins at 62 126 00:07:15,814 --> 00:07:17,920 I think that's a Rod Stewart song, actually. 127 00:07:23,512 --> 00:07:28,413 So, that means that my dad has been a dad 128 00:07:28,413 --> 00:07:32,624 every day for 60 years, 129 00:07:32,624 --> 00:07:35,351 and he's never gotten any better at it? 130 00:07:36,766 --> 00:07:38,423 That's amazing. 131 00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:42,669 If you did anything every day for 60 years, 132 00:07:42,669 --> 00:07:46,224 you would accidentally become a genius at doing that thing, 133 00:07:46,224 --> 00:07:50,021 and my dad has never become better at being a dad? 134 00:07:51,436 --> 00:07:52,644 That's amazing. 135 00:07:54,232 --> 00:07:57,028 My dad is like a guy who played mini golf 136 00:07:57,028 --> 00:07:59,479 every day for 60 years, 137 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,342 and then one day, someone was like, 138 00:08:01,342 --> 00:08:03,241 "Oh, look, it's a golf ball." 139 00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:06,796 And my dad was like, "That's a bowling ball." 140 00:08:08,315 --> 00:08:11,629 Person's like, "No, that's not a bowling ball," 141 00:08:11,629 --> 00:08:14,045 and my dad's like, "Yes it is." 142 00:08:16,737 --> 00:08:18,221 That is the equivalent of 143 00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:22,536 not recognizing your own son on a goddamn commercial. 144 00:08:23,675 --> 00:08:27,161 Memorize our faces, Father. 145 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,027 It is the literal least you could do. 146 00:08:34,341 --> 00:08:36,792 So, eldest sister, 60, 147 00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:38,690 youngest two sisters are 19, 148 00:08:38,690 --> 00:08:42,832 which means I have multiple nieces and nephews 149 00:08:42,832 --> 00:08:46,146 that are way older than my youngest two sisters. 150 00:08:46,146 --> 00:08:49,183 So, last time we all got together, 151 00:08:49,183 --> 00:08:50,564 it was about 17 years ago, 152 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:51,772 'cause we don't do it too often 153 00:08:51,772 --> 00:08:54,257 'cause it's too weird for everybody. 154 00:08:54,257 --> 00:08:57,226 It's just like a bunch of employees from regional offices 155 00:08:57,226 --> 00:08:58,814 getting together for a barbecue. 156 00:09:04,302 --> 00:09:08,686 My eldest nephew, at the time he was 18, 157 00:09:08,686 --> 00:09:10,757 hanging out with my youngest two sisters, 158 00:09:10,757 --> 00:09:12,828 at the time were two. 159 00:09:12,828 --> 00:09:14,761 One of them shit their pants. 160 00:09:14,761 --> 00:09:16,417 He wanted to tell my dad, 161 00:09:16,417 --> 00:09:20,974 so he said, "Grandpa, I believe Emily has pooped her pants." 162 00:09:20,974 --> 00:09:25,185 Luckily, I was there to correct him, and I said, 163 00:09:25,185 --> 00:09:27,083 "Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. 164 00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:30,293 You believe Aunt Emily has pooped her pants," 165 00:09:38,025 --> 00:09:39,302 and my dad was like, "That's not funny. 166 00:09:39,302 --> 00:09:40,614 Don't do that." 167 00:09:42,374 --> 00:09:43,617 And I was like, "I wish you knew 168 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,171 how very funny that is, Papa. 169 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,762 Perhaps it would give you a perspective 170 00:09:50,762 --> 00:09:53,731 on your whimsical life so far." 171 00:09:59,219 --> 00:10:01,773 So, my parents got divorced when I was two. 172 00:10:01,773 --> 00:10:03,223 I grew up in Jersey. 173 00:10:03,223 --> 00:10:04,155 What up, Jersey? 174 00:10:04,155 --> 00:10:06,295 I'm required by law to say that. 175 00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:09,747 And my dad lived in Michigan, 176 00:10:09,747 --> 00:10:10,610 so- 177 00:10:11,921 --> 00:10:13,164 I don't like your state. 178 00:10:13,164 --> 00:10:14,165 So... 179 00:10:20,274 --> 00:10:21,103 It's fine. 180 00:10:22,242 --> 00:10:24,175 It's a fine state. 181 00:10:29,111 --> 00:10:32,908 I have personal resentment towards the state itself, okay? 182 00:10:34,392 --> 00:10:37,844 But my dad decided that when I was five years old, 183 00:10:37,844 --> 00:10:41,157 he just decreed like a drunk king, 184 00:10:41,157 --> 00:10:46,128 "The boy is old enough to fly on the aeroplane by himself." 185 00:10:47,819 --> 00:10:52,065 And so I started flying by myself at age five, 186 00:10:52,065 --> 00:10:53,791 and in case you've never done that, 187 00:10:53,791 --> 00:10:55,965 here's how it goes. 188 00:10:55,965 --> 00:11:00,867 Your mom drops you off at the airport and then drives away. 189 00:11:03,421 --> 00:11:07,494 And then a flight attendant who is psyched to, 190 00:11:07,494 --> 00:11:09,392 in addition to doing her weird job 191 00:11:09,392 --> 00:11:11,498 that's midway between being a cocktail waitress 192 00:11:11,498 --> 00:11:14,743 and a first responder now also 193 00:11:14,743 --> 00:11:17,711 has to babysit a five-year-old. 194 00:11:20,265 --> 00:11:24,166 And the very first thing they do is they give you a sticker. 195 00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:26,133 Says, "Unaccompanied minor," 196 00:11:27,341 --> 00:11:30,931 just to make sure everybody 197 00:11:30,931 --> 00:11:35,142 at the airport knows you're there for the taking. 198 00:11:36,972 --> 00:11:39,664 Just a little silver platter for pedophiles. 199 00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:42,529 Like, "This one's alone, boys. 200 00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:45,083 This is Kurt. He's five. 201 00:11:45,083 --> 00:11:48,431 He loves He-Man and sharks and keeping secrets." 202 00:11:55,645 --> 00:11:58,648 And I was like, "There's no way they still do that. 203 00:11:58,648 --> 00:12:00,858 That was just something they did in the '80s." 204 00:12:00,858 --> 00:12:02,238 No, they still do. 205 00:12:03,688 --> 00:12:05,725 I was recently in Montreal Airport. 206 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,243 I saw a little girl. 207 00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:08,658 She must have been 10 years old. 208 00:12:08,658 --> 00:12:10,626 She had the unaccompanied minor sticker on, 209 00:12:10,626 --> 00:12:12,870 but then she was also wearing a T-shirt, 210 00:12:12,870 --> 00:12:16,874 and I am assuming that her parents do not speak English, 211 00:12:16,874 --> 00:12:20,843 because the T-shirt just said, "White wine all the time," 212 00:12:23,121 --> 00:12:25,537 which combined with the unaccompanied minor sticker, 213 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:27,747 not a good look for the parents. 214 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:35,755 And for some reason, 215 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,411 every flight I ever took had 216 00:12:37,411 --> 00:12:42,416 a three-hour layover in Dayton, Ohio, and I hated it. 217 00:12:43,590 --> 00:12:47,525 I hated it so much as a kid until I turned 12, 218 00:12:47,525 --> 00:12:50,390 and I learned the secrets of Dayton, Ohio. 219 00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:52,875 In order to understand the secret of Dayton, Ohio, 220 00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,084 you need to know three true things 221 00:12:55,084 --> 00:12:56,706 about myself, Kurt Braunholer. 222 00:12:56,706 --> 00:12:57,846 Fact Number One: 223 00:12:59,019 --> 00:13:03,921 I started smoking cigarettes at age 10. 224 00:13:04,542 --> 00:13:05,198 What up, Jersey? 225 00:13:06,371 --> 00:13:07,269 10, 226 00:13:08,615 --> 00:13:10,099 Fact Number Two: 227 00:13:10,099 --> 00:13:13,482 I discovered pornography at age 12 228 00:13:13,482 --> 00:13:16,105 when I found all of my uncle's "Playboys" 229 00:13:16,105 --> 00:13:19,315 and cut just the breasts out of every photograph 230 00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:23,319 and taped them to my wall, 231 00:13:23,319 --> 00:13:25,459 hidden underneath a poster that was 232 00:13:25,459 --> 00:13:27,530 a photograph of myself at age five 233 00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:29,774 that said, "Wanted dead or alive." 234 00:13:31,362 --> 00:13:35,055 And I would charge children in the neighborhood a quarter 235 00:13:35,055 --> 00:13:38,300 to stare at this sea of disembodied breasts... 236 00:13:41,544 --> 00:13:43,926 realizing early on that breasts without women 237 00:13:43,926 --> 00:13:45,341 are very upsetting. 238 00:13:46,998 --> 00:13:49,276 It's just a pile of sunny-side-up eggs. 239 00:13:52,970 --> 00:13:57,181 And Fact Number Three: I hate the saxophone, okay? 240 00:13:57,181 --> 00:13:59,217 That has nothing to do with this story. 241 00:13:59,217 --> 00:14:00,736 Just a little something about me. 242 00:14:00,736 --> 00:14:03,428 So, when I turned 12, 243 00:14:03,428 --> 00:14:06,293 I learned the secret of Dayton, Ohio, which was this. 244 00:14:06,293 --> 00:14:08,848 I would get off the plane in Dayton, 245 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,402 shake my flight attendant guard, 246 00:14:11,402 --> 00:14:12,955 and then I would head off into the airport, 247 00:14:12,955 --> 00:14:14,577 'cause you could do this 'cause it was the '80s. 248 00:14:14,577 --> 00:14:17,615 I would buy cigarettes and pornography 249 00:14:17,615 --> 00:14:21,343 and sit in the Dayton airport for three hours, 250 00:14:21,343 --> 00:14:25,209 smoking Marlboro Reds and flipping through a "Hustler" 251 00:14:25,209 --> 00:14:27,970 like some sort of 12-year-old divorced dad, 252 00:14:27,970 --> 00:14:29,696 which is very ironic, 253 00:14:29,696 --> 00:14:30,870 'cause that's who put me 254 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,733 in this position in the first place. 255 00:14:32,733 --> 00:14:35,875 ♪ The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪ 256 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,429 ♪ Little boy blue and the man in the moon ♪ 257 00:14:41,846 --> 00:14:43,399 But I want to be a good dad. 258 00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:47,852 I don't want my daughter 259 00:14:47,852 --> 00:14:49,578 to have her own Dayton, Ohio, you know? 260 00:14:52,305 --> 00:14:54,583 And I think part of being a good dad 261 00:14:54,583 --> 00:14:56,447 is also being a good man, 262 00:14:57,724 --> 00:15:00,140 but I fail every once in a while. 263 00:15:00,140 --> 00:15:01,555 I'll tell you the story. 264 00:15:01,555 --> 00:15:03,523 There's a gas station near my house. 265 00:15:03,523 --> 00:15:06,112 Has a little handwritten sign on one of the pumps. 266 00:15:06,112 --> 00:15:09,356 It says, "Please replace Nozzle Two pump 267 00:15:09,356 --> 00:15:11,324 before driving away with it. 268 00:15:11,324 --> 00:15:13,291 Thanks." 269 00:15:13,291 --> 00:15:16,225 And years ago, I took a photograph of this 270 00:15:16,225 --> 00:15:18,089 and I posted it to Instagram, 271 00:15:18,089 --> 00:15:20,057 and me and a bunch of strangers made fun of 272 00:15:20,057 --> 00:15:24,406 all these human trash piles were just driving away 273 00:15:24,406 --> 00:15:27,996 with the pump still in their goddamn car. 274 00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:29,238 And so when I drove away 275 00:15:29,238 --> 00:15:30,964 with the pump in my car about a year ago, 276 00:15:32,276 --> 00:15:34,485 I was bashful. 277 00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:38,144 Have you ever made fun of yourself from the past 278 00:15:38,144 --> 00:15:39,248 with a bunch of strangers? 279 00:15:39,248 --> 00:15:40,146 'Cause I have. 280 00:15:43,908 --> 00:15:45,945 And the thing is, I didn't even know I did it. 281 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,739 I had no idea. 282 00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,224 I hopped in the car, 283 00:15:49,224 --> 00:15:52,434 blasted my meditation app, and just took off, 284 00:15:53,435 --> 00:15:55,678 ripped it right out of the pump. 285 00:15:55,678 --> 00:15:57,404 Had no idea. 286 00:15:57,404 --> 00:16:02,099 And then immediately pulled an illegal four-lane U-turn, 287 00:16:02,099 --> 00:16:04,653 and all of the oncoming traffic was like . 288 00:16:06,034 --> 00:16:10,866 And I was like, "Oh, fuck you, you fuckin' church Nancys. 289 00:16:11,660 --> 00:16:13,731 It's a U-turn." 290 00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,873 So, I gave 'em all the middle finger, 291 00:16:19,185 --> 00:16:22,740 meanwhile spewing gasoline across the street, 292 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:28,953 and then I made a right, and I got on a big highway, 293 00:16:28,953 --> 00:16:31,507 started going very fast, and mind you, 294 00:16:31,507 --> 00:16:33,993 I just have a tail dragging behind me, like... 295 00:16:36,961 --> 00:16:39,446 And then this big white pickup truck pulls up next to me 296 00:16:39,446 --> 00:16:40,516 and he's honking at me. 297 00:16:40,516 --> 00:16:42,070 And I was like, "What? 298 00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:43,726 It's a U-turn." 299 00:16:45,142 --> 00:16:47,972 And he's like, "Roll your window down." 300 00:16:47,972 --> 00:16:49,456 And I was like, "What?" 301 00:16:49,456 --> 00:16:52,908 And he's like, "You drove away with the pump in your car." 302 00:16:52,908 --> 00:16:56,015 And I was like, "Oh, you drove away with the pump in your, 303 00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:56,843 oh no." 304 00:17:04,782 --> 00:17:05,610 So, I did. 305 00:17:09,097 --> 00:17:09,959 So, I did. 306 00:17:11,616 --> 00:17:14,999 And then I was very, very, very embarrassed, 307 00:17:14,999 --> 00:17:15,931 and I'm on the highway. 308 00:17:15,931 --> 00:17:17,415 I didn't know what to do, 309 00:17:17,415 --> 00:17:19,900 so then I just pulled over to the side of the road, 310 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:22,110 and then he pulled over, too. 311 00:17:22,110 --> 00:17:23,628 And then I got out of my car, 312 00:17:23,628 --> 00:17:25,872 and then he got out of his car, too. 313 00:17:26,873 --> 00:17:28,633 I was deeply embarrassed. 314 00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:30,980 You know, it's essentially I shit my pants, 315 00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:33,397 and then he followed me into the bathroom like, 316 00:17:33,397 --> 00:17:35,261 "Hey, man, did you shit your pants? 317 00:17:36,469 --> 00:17:38,505 Hey, how much shit is in your pants? 318 00:17:40,369 --> 00:17:43,338 Hey, why do you think you shit your pants earlier?" 319 00:17:47,514 --> 00:17:51,208 And I was just like, "What do you want?" 320 00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:53,348 And he's like, "Do you need help?" 321 00:17:54,521 --> 00:17:58,077 And I realize I had a choice to make here. 322 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:01,149 I could act the way men have acted for centuries. 323 00:18:01,149 --> 00:18:02,805 I could act like a wounded animal 324 00:18:02,805 --> 00:18:05,429 and lash out at this man to protect myself. 325 00:18:05,429 --> 00:18:07,327 Or I could be a better man. 326 00:18:07,327 --> 00:18:10,054 I could admit my vulnerabilities and say, 327 00:18:10,054 --> 00:18:14,093 "Yes, I screwed up, and I do need help," 328 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:17,096 and so that man said, "Hey, can I help you?" 329 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,063 And I said to him, "No!" 330 00:18:22,584 --> 00:18:25,518 And then he got mad and got his car and drove away. 331 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:29,453 And then I was left alone with my shame. 332 00:18:30,661 --> 00:18:34,803 And I walked over to the back of my car. 333 00:18:34,803 --> 00:18:36,736 I pulled out the gas pump, and I was like, 334 00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:40,878 "Oh, there's definitely still a lot of gas in here. 335 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,709 I can't put it in my car. 336 00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:45,917 Fumes and stuff. 337 00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:47,678 I'm picking up my daughter. 338 00:18:47,678 --> 00:18:50,715 What would be very useful right now is a pickup truck, 339 00:18:50,715 --> 00:18:52,786 but I just told that guy to go fuck himself." 340 00:18:55,099 --> 00:18:57,136 So then I just left my car on the side of the road 341 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,379 and then walked with it in my arms 342 00:18:59,379 --> 00:19:03,072 all the way back along the highway, down the exit ramp, 343 00:19:03,072 --> 00:19:04,695 back to the gas station, 344 00:19:04,695 --> 00:19:08,077 where both managers were waiting for me outside. 345 00:19:09,562 --> 00:19:12,875 And I just kind of laid it at their feet 346 00:19:12,875 --> 00:19:14,567 like a big dead snake, 347 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,053 and I was like, "Well, what do we do now?" 348 00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:22,713 Turns out it cost $350, 349 00:19:22,713 --> 00:19:25,923 which is honestly a lot less than I expected. 350 00:19:27,096 --> 00:19:28,615 I mean, you don't get to keep it, 351 00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:33,033 but also, they're designed to just pop right off. 352 00:19:33,033 --> 00:19:34,449 So, the thing is just do it. 353 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:35,277 It doesn't matter. 354 00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:36,140 Just do it. 355 00:19:37,383 --> 00:19:40,351 Also, if you turn it into a comedy bit, 356 00:19:40,351 --> 00:19:41,939 it kind of pays for itself. 357 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,473 And when you have a kid, 358 00:19:58,473 --> 00:20:01,510 you just stay inside for a very long time, 359 00:20:01,510 --> 00:20:04,582 and I think we're all very familiar with how that feels. 360 00:20:04,582 --> 00:20:07,689 And recently, it was like the first time I had been out 361 00:20:07,689 --> 00:20:08,828 since my son had been born, 362 00:20:08,828 --> 00:20:10,243 the first time I was in society. 363 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,727 I was in an airport, 364 00:20:11,727 --> 00:20:13,695 and I knew it was going to be weird 365 00:20:13,695 --> 00:20:15,144 reintegrating into society, 366 00:20:15,144 --> 00:20:17,664 but I didn't know in what ways it would be. 367 00:20:17,664 --> 00:20:19,114 And this kind of surprised me. 368 00:20:19,114 --> 00:20:22,531 I was in a public bathroom, huge airport bathroom, 369 00:20:22,531 --> 00:20:25,120 and the urinals were where the stool was, 370 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,433 and I was across the room around here, 371 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:29,055 and it was at this point that I realized, 372 00:20:29,055 --> 00:20:32,127 "Oh no, I've taken my penis out too soon." 373 00:20:35,372 --> 00:20:37,270 I was like, "Oh no," 374 00:20:39,030 --> 00:20:41,619 and all the men around me were like, "Too soon," 375 00:20:43,069 --> 00:20:45,796 and I was like, "I know," 376 00:20:45,796 --> 00:20:47,832 and they're like, "Put it back," 377 00:20:47,832 --> 00:20:50,456 and I'm like, "There's no time." 378 00:20:52,665 --> 00:20:55,323 I did home behavior outside. 379 00:20:57,117 --> 00:20:58,395 At home, you see the toilet, 380 00:20:58,395 --> 00:21:00,155 you're like, "I'm ready to go to the bathroom." 381 00:21:04,746 --> 00:21:06,265 So, I just stay home mostly. 382 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,231 I just stay home. 383 00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,131 My daughter, after she was born, 384 00:21:11,131 --> 00:21:12,271 there was just nothing in her room. 385 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,134 It just kind of seemed like 386 00:21:14,134 --> 00:21:17,034 we had a house guest for a little while, 387 00:21:17,034 --> 00:21:19,105 and so I was always trying to look for things 388 00:21:19,105 --> 00:21:22,281 that I could make her room look like a little girl's room. 389 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:27,286 And, guys, comedy has treated me pretty well, you know? 390 00:21:28,183 --> 00:21:29,736 I mean, I'm not a rich man 391 00:21:29,736 --> 00:21:31,290 by any stretch of the imagination, 392 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,326 but I can definitely go to a small town 393 00:21:33,326 --> 00:21:34,534 and afford any number of 394 00:21:34,534 --> 00:21:36,950 vintage dog photographs they have, you know? 395 00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:43,094 And so I was in Burlington, Vermont, drunk, 396 00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:45,821 'cause what else are you going to do in Burlington? 397 00:21:45,821 --> 00:21:47,927 Just watch white people be happy? 398 00:21:49,756 --> 00:21:54,658 Guys, if you've never been to Burlington, fun town. 399 00:21:54,658 --> 00:21:57,833 Founded in 1990 when a Phish concert 400 00:21:57,833 --> 00:21:59,973 collided with a zip-line convention... 401 00:22:01,389 --> 00:22:04,495 It's just a little town of like-minded Teva sandals 402 00:22:04,495 --> 00:22:05,669 in the middle of a forest 403 00:22:05,669 --> 00:22:08,050 with a massive methamphetamine problem. 404 00:22:09,535 --> 00:22:10,984 Definitely go in the fall 405 00:22:10,984 --> 00:22:13,470 when they harvest the blueberry marshmallow vape. 406 00:22:13,470 --> 00:22:14,712 It's delicious. 407 00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:18,820 So, I was there, two in the morning, 408 00:22:18,820 --> 00:22:20,097 drunk in a snowstorm, 409 00:22:20,097 --> 00:22:23,272 and I saw a piece of art in a window 410 00:22:23,272 --> 00:22:26,759 that stopped me dead in my tracks. 411 00:22:26,759 --> 00:22:31,764 It was a photograph of a dog in an old-timey saloon 412 00:22:32,489 --> 00:22:34,870 playing the piano with 413 00:22:34,870 --> 00:22:37,528 a little handkerchief around his neck 414 00:22:37,528 --> 00:22:40,186 like he was some little bandito 415 00:22:40,186 --> 00:22:41,739 that just happened to ride into 416 00:22:41,739 --> 00:22:45,329 what I'm assuming is an all-dog Wild West town, 417 00:22:45,329 --> 00:22:48,988 probably on the back of a larger version of himself, 418 00:22:48,988 --> 00:22:51,231 then saw the bar, hopped off the dog, 419 00:22:51,231 --> 00:22:53,061 kicked open the doors, hopped in, 420 00:22:53,061 --> 00:22:55,270 had a shot of fire water, saw the piano, 421 00:22:55,270 --> 00:22:56,823 hopped up to tickle the old ivories, 422 00:22:56,823 --> 00:22:58,515 and the only newspaper dog in town 423 00:22:58,515 --> 00:23:00,931 was there at the perfect moment to snap a perfect photo. 424 00:23:00,931 --> 00:23:02,450 It's a goddamn piece of art. 425 00:23:07,109 --> 00:23:10,354 And I was like, "My daughter needs this." 426 00:23:11,735 --> 00:23:14,393 Went to bed, woke up the next morning, found the store. 427 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,636 What the store is, turns out, 428 00:23:16,636 --> 00:23:17,775 it's a place where you can get dressed up 429 00:23:17,775 --> 00:23:19,708 in old-timey Wild West gear. 430 00:23:19,708 --> 00:23:22,331 You can get your picture taken in an old-timey saloon, 431 00:23:22,331 --> 00:23:26,750 which makes no sense for Burlington, Vermont. 432 00:23:28,510 --> 00:23:30,236 That's not in the Wild West, guys. 433 00:23:30,236 --> 00:23:31,444 It would make more sense if you could 434 00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:32,963 just dressed up as Bernie Sanders 435 00:23:32,963 --> 00:23:35,448 and eat some Ben & Jerry's, but whatever. 436 00:23:35,448 --> 00:23:36,863 That guy had a dream. 437 00:23:36,863 --> 00:23:39,832 He made a weird store, all right? 438 00:23:39,832 --> 00:23:41,592 So, I go in, and I say, 439 00:23:41,592 --> 00:23:45,044 "I love this photograph, this dog playing the piano," 440 00:23:45,044 --> 00:23:47,218 and the guy there is like, "I took that photo," 441 00:23:47,218 --> 00:23:48,703 and I'm like, "You're an artist," 442 00:23:48,703 --> 00:23:51,222 and he's like, "Do you want to know something about that?" 443 00:23:51,222 --> 00:23:52,672 And I'm like, "I do." 444 00:23:52,672 --> 00:23:57,366 He said that dog wasn't actually playing the piano. 445 00:24:02,820 --> 00:24:05,202 It's worth so much more to me now 446 00:24:06,583 --> 00:24:09,793 that he thought I was just walking by and saw the photo, 447 00:24:09,793 --> 00:24:12,485 and was like, "He has photographic proof 448 00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:14,107 of dogs playing the piano? 449 00:24:15,281 --> 00:24:18,318 I gotta show this to the scientists, man." 450 00:24:20,873 --> 00:24:22,150 So, I was like, "That's amazing. 451 00:24:22,150 --> 00:24:24,808 I would love to buy it for my daughter." 452 00:24:24,808 --> 00:24:26,050 He gets very serious. 453 00:24:26,050 --> 00:24:27,604 He's like, "Oh, this photo's not for sale. 454 00:24:27,604 --> 00:24:28,915 This was a client. 455 00:24:28,915 --> 00:24:31,539 I took this photograph of a client's dog. 456 00:24:31,539 --> 00:24:34,231 Also, it's an heirloom frame from my wife's family. 457 00:24:34,231 --> 00:24:36,095 I could never part with it." 458 00:24:36,095 --> 00:24:37,372 Then in my head, I was like, 459 00:24:37,372 --> 00:24:41,100 "Oh no, if I don't get this for my daughter, 460 00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:43,309 I'm a bad dad, aren't I?" 461 00:24:43,309 --> 00:24:44,759 And then I was like, 462 00:24:44,759 --> 00:24:48,625 "Maybe I should offer him more than I think it's worth." 463 00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:51,766 But the thing is, I don't know what things are worth, 464 00:24:51,766 --> 00:24:54,389 and I was like, "Should I offer him $100? 465 00:24:54,389 --> 00:24:57,841 Is this worth a third of a gas pump? 466 00:24:57,841 --> 00:24:58,669 I don't know." 467 00:25:00,084 --> 00:25:02,431 And so then I panicked, and I was just like, 468 00:25:02,431 --> 00:25:04,192 "I'll give you a hundred bucks," 469 00:25:04,192 --> 00:25:07,471 and he just went, "Are you kidding me?" 470 00:25:08,714 --> 00:25:12,131 And I realized I had far overvalued 471 00:25:13,546 --> 00:25:17,999 the piano-playing-dog photo market in Burlington, Vermont, 472 00:25:19,448 --> 00:25:22,210 and he immediately sold it to me, heirloom frame and all, 473 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,731 and I realized that at that time, 474 00:25:25,731 --> 00:25:30,529 I had become the bad guy in every '80s movie ever, 475 00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:34,533 just walking into a small town with my douche bag LA money, 476 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:37,259 like, "Oh, is it not for sale, old man? 477 00:25:37,259 --> 00:25:38,778 Well, now it is." 478 00:25:44,508 --> 00:25:47,097 And I'm telling this story to you because I want, 479 00:25:47,097 --> 00:25:48,685 if you're ever in Burlington, Vermont, 480 00:25:48,685 --> 00:25:50,100 I want you to find that store. 481 00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:51,411 I want you to go in there. 482 00:25:51,411 --> 00:25:53,517 I want you to offer that man a hundred dollars 483 00:25:53,517 --> 00:25:56,451 for any dog-playing-piano photographs he might have, 484 00:25:56,451 --> 00:25:58,280 'cause what I want to do is I want to artificially 485 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,973 inflate the market for dog-playing-piano photography 486 00:26:00,973 --> 00:26:03,251 in the small economy that is Burlington, Vermont 487 00:26:03,251 --> 00:26:04,217 till it's no longer known 488 00:26:04,217 --> 00:26:05,702 for hippies and hacky sacks, 489 00:26:05,702 --> 00:26:08,394 but mostly anthropomorphic dog photography, 490 00:26:08,394 --> 00:26:11,293 'cause we can do that because that's how capitalism works. 491 00:26:16,851 --> 00:26:18,369 And I've been thinking. 492 00:26:18,369 --> 00:26:20,579 I've been thinking a lot about capitalism recently. 493 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:21,787 I think we all have, 494 00:26:21,787 --> 00:26:23,823 now that these jack-offs have been 495 00:26:23,823 --> 00:26:26,550 going to space on their lunch break or whatever, 496 00:26:26,550 --> 00:26:30,416 and I was like, "What is the definition of capitalism?" 497 00:26:30,416 --> 00:26:32,418 We always talk about it, so I looked it up online. 498 00:26:32,418 --> 00:26:35,524 The definition is if every individual 499 00:26:35,524 --> 00:26:38,597 acts in their own rational self-interest, 500 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,150 that will bring about the most good 501 00:26:40,150 --> 00:26:41,600 for the most amount of people. 502 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,362 And I was like, "Oh, the flaw is in the definition." 503 00:26:48,123 --> 00:26:50,298 Human beings aren't rational. 504 00:26:50,298 --> 00:26:53,646 Fucking Smash Mouth is still popular, guys. 505 00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:57,477 We don't make rational choices. 506 00:26:57,477 --> 00:26:59,548 We make emotional choices. 507 00:26:59,548 --> 00:27:01,378 That's why billionaires exist. 508 00:27:01,378 --> 00:27:02,828 Billionaires are not rational. 509 00:27:02,828 --> 00:27:04,105 They make no rational sense. 510 00:27:04,105 --> 00:27:05,071 They have more money they could 511 00:27:05,071 --> 00:27:06,590 ever spend in their entire life, 512 00:27:06,590 --> 00:27:08,385 and also, now in America, 513 00:27:08,385 --> 00:27:10,318 three people have more money 514 00:27:10,318 --> 00:27:12,458 than the bottom half of Americans. 515 00:27:12,458 --> 00:27:14,046 That's three people have more money 516 00:27:14,046 --> 00:27:16,773 than 162 million individuals. 517 00:27:16,773 --> 00:27:18,533 That seems insane to me. 518 00:27:18,533 --> 00:27:19,707 But also, I don't know, 519 00:27:19,707 --> 00:27:21,881 maybe capitalism is the best system. 520 00:27:21,881 --> 00:27:22,813 I don't know. 521 00:27:22,813 --> 00:27:26,092 I'm not a systems guy, you know? 522 00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:28,785 But I do know that in this country, 523 00:27:28,785 --> 00:27:30,476 we have a show called "Hoarders" 524 00:27:30,476 --> 00:27:33,203 where if an old lady has 25,000 magazines, 525 00:27:33,203 --> 00:27:34,514 we're like, "Kick her door down." 526 00:27:34,514 --> 00:27:35,999 We're like, "You can't have these magazines." 527 00:27:35,999 --> 00:27:37,517 She's like, "No, let have my magazines." 528 00:27:37,517 --> 00:27:39,174 They're like, "No, you can't have these magazines. 529 00:27:39,174 --> 00:27:40,624 We're going to burn your house down." 530 00:27:40,624 --> 00:27:42,764 Anyway, I'm pitching "Hoarders II" 531 00:27:42,764 --> 00:27:44,628 where we just murder billionaires. 532 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:56,398 It is weird to be raising children in America right now 533 00:27:56,398 --> 00:28:00,989 'cause America's, you know, we're not nailing it right now. 534 00:28:03,267 --> 00:28:05,028 There was a thing I read recently 535 00:28:05,028 --> 00:28:09,584 that there was a woman in Decatur, Georgia, 536 00:28:09,584 --> 00:28:10,965 she heard some buzzing. 537 00:28:10,965 --> 00:28:12,483 You're going to love this one, then. 538 00:28:13,657 --> 00:28:18,662 She had 120,000 bees living in her ceiling. 539 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:22,562 This is true. 540 00:28:22,562 --> 00:28:24,219 You can Google it later. 541 00:28:24,219 --> 00:28:27,291 Just put in 120,000 and it'll auto correct bees. 542 00:28:27,291 --> 00:28:32,296 And I don't know about you guys, Denver, 543 00:28:33,504 --> 00:28:37,543 but I feel like if I see five bees... 544 00:28:41,823 --> 00:28:43,722 I'm like, "There's a lot of bees here. 545 00:28:44,999 --> 00:28:48,278 We should do something about our bee problem." 546 00:28:49,451 --> 00:28:50,590 But you know, fuck me. 547 00:28:50,590 --> 00:28:52,385 Maybe I'm some liberal coastal elite 548 00:28:52,385 --> 00:28:55,009 motherfucker who notices bees, you know? 549 00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:59,185 Well, let's say 10,000 bees. 550 00:28:59,185 --> 00:29:00,462 Wow. 551 00:29:00,462 --> 00:29:04,984 10,000 bees coming and going from your house, 552 00:29:06,123 --> 00:29:09,023 doing what they do, eating leaves and shit. 553 00:29:09,023 --> 00:29:11,750 I don't know much about bees' lives or what they eat. 554 00:29:13,130 --> 00:29:17,445 That definitely seems like enough bees to be like, "Bees." 555 00:29:17,445 --> 00:29:18,273 No? 556 00:29:20,206 --> 00:29:23,037 What about 20,000 bees? 557 00:29:23,037 --> 00:29:25,556 That's two times 10,000 bees, 558 00:29:25,556 --> 00:29:27,731 which already seemed like a lot to me. 559 00:29:28,974 --> 00:29:29,802 No? 560 00:29:30,734 --> 00:29:31,735 30,000 bees. 561 00:29:32,874 --> 00:29:34,186 I talked to a bee person. 562 00:29:34,186 --> 00:29:38,707 30,000 bees is nine pounds of bees. 563 00:29:38,707 --> 00:29:42,815 That's a healthy baby boy of bees. 564 00:29:44,472 --> 00:29:46,336 Definitely seems like enough bees to be like, 565 00:29:46,336 --> 00:29:47,475 "We have bees here." 566 00:29:47,475 --> 00:29:48,303 No? 567 00:29:50,512 --> 00:29:52,238 40,000 bees. 568 00:29:52,238 --> 00:29:54,862 40,000 bees. 569 00:29:54,862 --> 00:29:57,312 That is a golden doodle of bees. 570 00:29:59,349 --> 00:30:00,177 Woof, woof. 571 00:30:00,177 --> 00:30:01,903 There are bees here. 572 00:30:03,629 --> 00:30:05,389 No, we're not noticing them yet? 573 00:30:06,287 --> 00:30:08,668 50,000 bees, 50,000 bees. 574 00:30:08,668 --> 00:30:10,567 That's Dodger Stadium of bees. 575 00:30:10,567 --> 00:30:12,189 Each bee has its own seat. 576 00:30:12,189 --> 00:30:15,641 Adorable, but a lot of bees. 577 00:30:16,607 --> 00:30:19,679 Empirically a lot of bees. 578 00:30:22,613 --> 00:30:23,683 What, 60,000? 579 00:30:24,857 --> 00:30:26,065 What are you talking about? 580 00:30:26,065 --> 00:30:29,413 60,000 bees and we haven't noticed them? 581 00:30:29,413 --> 00:30:33,210 That's a Nissan Juke filled with bees. 582 00:30:33,210 --> 00:30:34,763 They're packed in tight. 583 00:30:34,763 --> 00:30:37,490 They're holding each other tip to tail, tip to tail. 584 00:30:37,490 --> 00:30:39,285 They could drive the thing if they could figure it out, 585 00:30:39,285 --> 00:30:41,184 but they can't 'cause they're bees. 586 00:30:41,184 --> 00:30:45,740 Nary a peep from this woman at 60,000 bees. 587 00:30:45,740 --> 00:30:49,433 It takes two Nissan Jukes filled with bees 588 00:30:49,433 --> 00:30:52,920 before this woman is like, "There appear to be bees here." 589 00:30:58,201 --> 00:31:00,099 And that's America, guys. 590 00:31:08,970 --> 00:31:10,489 Let's reset. 591 00:31:10,489 --> 00:31:13,837 So, if I didn't have a great blueprint 592 00:31:13,837 --> 00:31:15,666 for being a dad from my dad, 593 00:31:15,666 --> 00:31:17,013 my mom was the opposite. 594 00:31:17,013 --> 00:31:20,395 My mom was an amazing mom, single parent. 595 00:31:20,395 --> 00:31:23,053 First of all, give it up for single parents, man. 596 00:31:25,228 --> 00:31:26,781 I don't know how you do it. 597 00:31:28,541 --> 00:31:29,611 There's two of us, 598 00:31:29,611 --> 00:31:31,096 and my wife and I in a constant 599 00:31:31,096 --> 00:31:33,546 murder-suicide pact with each other, 600 00:31:33,546 --> 00:31:35,410 just taking care of the children. 601 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,517 My mom was a pediatric nurse, 602 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:41,140 and so if she didn't have anybody 603 00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:42,728 to watch me on the weekend. 604 00:31:42,728 --> 00:31:46,007 She would just bring me to work with her. 605 00:31:46,007 --> 00:31:47,595 It was a pediatric floor. 606 00:31:47,595 --> 00:31:49,908 There was a lot of kids there that I would make friends with 607 00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:52,703 and then they would eventually die over and over and over 608 00:31:52,703 --> 00:31:54,360 and over and over again. 609 00:31:57,846 --> 00:31:58,675 That was my life, 610 00:32:01,989 --> 00:32:03,852 and all the other nurses were psyched 611 00:32:03,852 --> 00:32:05,958 that Barbara's kid is here, 612 00:32:05,958 --> 00:32:08,167 so they'd always give me jobs to do. 613 00:32:09,513 --> 00:32:13,345 My main job was delivering blood to the lab, 614 00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:18,143 which breaks my mind now. 615 00:32:19,730 --> 00:32:22,354 Now in order to touch blood in a hospital, 616 00:32:22,354 --> 00:32:24,839 you have to be in a space suit, you know? 617 00:32:25,736 --> 00:32:27,014 I was just six years old, 618 00:32:27,014 --> 00:32:29,982 and they just handed me a hot bag of blood, 619 00:32:29,982 --> 00:32:32,364 and I was like, "I'm on an adventure." 620 00:32:33,641 --> 00:32:35,056 I get to take the elevator. 621 00:32:35,056 --> 00:32:36,955 That was very exciting. 622 00:32:38,335 --> 00:32:39,992 And then I would just walk around the basement, 623 00:32:39,992 --> 00:32:42,339 looking for the lab, and get lost eventually, 624 00:32:42,339 --> 00:32:44,686 and then just knock on a door and hand someone the blood, 625 00:32:44,686 --> 00:32:45,964 and they'd be like, "What is this? 626 00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:47,517 Who are you?" 627 00:32:47,517 --> 00:32:49,346 I'm like, "Sorry, can't talk to strangers," and run away. 628 00:32:53,074 --> 00:32:55,801 Lot of misdiagnoses at that hospital. 629 00:33:06,225 --> 00:33:07,468 And my mom was all about, 630 00:33:07,468 --> 00:33:09,366 she was all about unconditional love. 631 00:33:09,366 --> 00:33:11,713 That was her whole thing was unconditional love, 632 00:33:11,713 --> 00:33:13,888 and she would always read me this book 633 00:33:13,888 --> 00:33:16,028 called "The Giving Tree." 634 00:33:16,028 --> 00:33:17,616 Yeah, it's a beautiful book. 635 00:33:17,616 --> 00:33:19,480 I read it to my daughter now. 636 00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:20,964 If you have never read it, 637 00:33:20,964 --> 00:33:24,519 it's about a tree that gives everything for this little boy. 638 00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:29,248 Reading it as a parent, it reads a little different. 639 00:33:30,422 --> 00:33:32,769 Definitely reads like a piece of shit boy 640 00:33:32,769 --> 00:33:34,978 who murders a tree and then sits on it 641 00:33:34,978 --> 00:33:38,395 with his bony balls and ass after it's dead. 642 00:33:43,021 --> 00:33:43,987 But it is. 643 00:33:43,987 --> 00:33:45,230 It's a beautiful book. 644 00:33:45,230 --> 00:33:46,162 It is. 645 00:33:46,162 --> 00:33:47,922 I tear up when I read it. 646 00:33:47,922 --> 00:33:50,994 And I wanted to talk about this in my special, 647 00:33:50,994 --> 00:33:52,444 and I wanted to show it to you guys, 648 00:33:52,444 --> 00:33:55,550 however, HarperCollins has refused me permission 649 00:33:55,550 --> 00:33:59,175 to use the images of "The Giving Tree," 650 00:33:59,175 --> 00:34:00,555 but that's okay, guys, 651 00:34:00,555 --> 00:34:02,868 because I've got "The Sharing Bush" here, 652 00:34:12,671 --> 00:34:15,605 and when you read "The Giving Tree," 653 00:34:15,605 --> 00:34:17,400 you're just like you're touched. 654 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:21,576 You're like, "What gorgeous soul 655 00:34:21,576 --> 00:34:24,441 wrote such a beautiful book?" 656 00:34:24,441 --> 00:34:26,133 And then you flip it around. 657 00:34:26,133 --> 00:34:27,237 There he is, 658 00:34:28,652 --> 00:34:31,276 ol' Shel Silverstein himself. 659 00:34:33,278 --> 00:34:36,798 Again, HarperCollins refused me the rights 660 00:34:36,798 --> 00:34:38,904 to Shel Silverstein's image, 661 00:34:38,904 --> 00:34:43,909 so this is noted serial killer and cannibal Ottis Toole. 662 00:34:46,808 --> 00:34:50,571 However, Shel Silverstein's author photo 663 00:34:50,571 --> 00:34:54,195 and this photo have a really similar vibe 664 00:34:56,439 --> 00:34:59,235 with the only difference being Shel's photo 665 00:34:59,235 --> 00:35:01,133 is a bit more sexual, 666 00:35:07,174 --> 00:35:09,659 and it is this size. 667 00:35:10,729 --> 00:35:12,593 It's the full back cover. 668 00:35:13,801 --> 00:35:16,735 And you know when this was written, 669 00:35:16,735 --> 00:35:18,530 Shel was to the publisher, 670 00:35:18,530 --> 00:35:20,290 "Hey, I want to have an author's photo," 671 00:35:20,290 --> 00:35:23,638 and they're like, "Shel, it's a children's book," 672 00:35:24,846 --> 00:35:26,365 and he is like, "I insist." 673 00:35:26,365 --> 00:35:29,265 They're like, "Okay, well, we can put an inch-by-inch photo 674 00:35:29,265 --> 00:35:30,921 on the inside flap," 675 00:35:30,921 --> 00:35:34,753 and he is like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 676 00:35:34,753 --> 00:35:36,134 Full back cover." 677 00:35:38,515 --> 00:35:42,347 I need you guys to Google this actual photo 678 00:35:42,347 --> 00:35:44,107 because it is the cover of a book 679 00:35:44,107 --> 00:35:47,559 that should be called "Shel Silverstein: Fuck Pirate." 680 00:35:53,151 --> 00:35:55,325 And at this point in the joke, 681 00:35:55,325 --> 00:35:58,777 I am pretty sure HarperCollins would've preferred 682 00:35:58,777 --> 00:36:02,712 to give me the rights than to have 683 00:36:02,712 --> 00:36:07,717 noted serial killer and cannibal Ottis Toole. 684 00:36:15,587 --> 00:36:18,141 Be cool with your intellectual property, guys. 685 00:36:24,699 --> 00:36:28,600 Mm, I really have never drank 686 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,396 an entire pint glass of water at a show. 687 00:36:31,396 --> 00:36:33,467 This place is a fucking desert. 688 00:36:37,505 --> 00:36:41,889 So, about five years ago, 689 00:36:41,889 --> 00:36:44,961 I moved back to New Jersey to take care of my mom 690 00:36:44,961 --> 00:36:46,307 because she got sick, 691 00:36:46,307 --> 00:36:49,448 and obviously when a parent gets cancer, 692 00:36:49,448 --> 00:36:53,280 that's always sad unless it's a hilarious cancer, 693 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,558 and I checked and there are none, 694 00:36:57,042 --> 00:36:59,976 and that's tough 'cause there's butt and ball cancer. 695 00:36:59,976 --> 00:37:03,980 One of them should be hilarious, and they're not. 696 00:37:07,121 --> 00:37:08,571 So, I moved back to Jersey, 697 00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:14,784 and it's weird when your personal life is falling apart, 698 00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:17,994 normal life just keeps on moving, 699 00:37:17,994 --> 00:37:19,892 and I was back taking care of my mom, 700 00:37:19,892 --> 00:37:23,655 and I got an audition in New York for a sitcom, 701 00:37:23,655 --> 00:37:27,141 and I was like, "Oh, I guess I got to go do this audition." 702 00:37:27,141 --> 00:37:29,695 So, I go up to the city and I prep the scene, 703 00:37:29,695 --> 00:37:32,077 and the scene had kind of an emotional moment to it. 704 00:37:32,077 --> 00:37:33,630 I was like, "Oh, this will be interesting to play." 705 00:37:33,630 --> 00:37:36,323 And I get in the room with the casting person, 706 00:37:36,323 --> 00:37:38,048 and I'm doing the scene, and as I'm doing it, 707 00:37:38,048 --> 00:37:39,809 I'm like, "I'm feeling it." 708 00:37:39,809 --> 00:37:42,605 I'm like, "Oh, I think I'm doing a pretty good job." 709 00:37:42,605 --> 00:37:44,365 And then all of a sudden I feel 710 00:37:44,365 --> 00:37:46,229 at the emotional moment in the scene 711 00:37:46,229 --> 00:37:48,783 like a tear roll down my face, 712 00:37:48,783 --> 00:37:53,788 and I'm like, "Am I fucking crying in an audition? 713 00:37:54,513 --> 00:37:56,826 I'm nailing this." 714 00:37:56,826 --> 00:38:00,312 I was like, "Am I Al Pacino and I didn't know it?" 715 00:38:01,762 --> 00:38:04,903 And I finished the scene, and I wiped the tears away, 716 00:38:04,903 --> 00:38:06,629 and I look at the casting person, 717 00:38:06,629 --> 00:38:08,493 and the casting person just goes, 718 00:38:09,632 --> 00:38:14,015 "Aw, so sad." 719 00:38:16,363 --> 00:38:17,640 I swear to God, 720 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:21,057 it was like I auditioned for the cartoon version 721 00:38:21,057 --> 00:38:23,301 of a 12-year-old bully, you know? 722 00:38:24,854 --> 00:38:27,063 And I told my friend that story, and he's like, 723 00:38:27,063 --> 00:38:29,099 "Oh, man, I gotta take you out. 724 00:38:29,099 --> 00:38:30,584 You gotta get your mind off this." 725 00:38:30,584 --> 00:38:31,999 And so he brought me out. 726 00:38:31,999 --> 00:38:34,829 He was playing with one of my favorite bands, 727 00:38:34,829 --> 00:38:39,593 Dinosaur Jr., and I love Dinosaur Jr. so much, 728 00:38:39,593 --> 00:38:41,491 and so we got to go backstage 729 00:38:41,491 --> 00:38:44,770 to the green room at this rock show, 730 00:38:44,770 --> 00:38:47,255 and the green room of a rock show 731 00:38:47,255 --> 00:38:49,913 is a very small, intimate party, you know? 732 00:38:49,913 --> 00:38:53,400 And I'm very uncomfortable at small intimate parties. 733 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:55,816 I prefer the anonymity of a large party, 734 00:38:55,816 --> 00:38:58,163 which is a paraphrase from "The Great Gatsby," 735 00:38:58,163 --> 00:39:01,166 so you know this is going to be a little bit pretentious, 736 00:39:03,064 --> 00:39:04,963 but also I was very nervous 'cause 737 00:39:04,963 --> 00:39:06,033 I wasn't supposed to be there. 738 00:39:06,033 --> 00:39:06,861 I'm not on the show. 739 00:39:06,861 --> 00:39:08,069 I'm just there. 740 00:39:08,069 --> 00:39:11,072 And it's just filled with '90s rock legends. 741 00:39:11,072 --> 00:39:12,350 I was just like, 742 00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,110 "Well I have to explain to people why I'm here." 743 00:39:14,110 --> 00:39:14,938 I didn't. 744 00:39:14,938 --> 00:39:15,939 I didn't at all. 745 00:39:15,939 --> 00:39:18,321 And Henry Rollins was there, 746 00:39:18,321 --> 00:39:20,081 and I marched up to Henry Rollins, 747 00:39:20,081 --> 00:39:22,118 and I was like, "Hi, Henry, I'm Kurt. 748 00:39:22,118 --> 00:39:23,291 I'm a comedian." 749 00:39:23,291 --> 00:39:24,431 He was like, "You're very intense," 750 00:39:24,431 --> 00:39:25,811 and I was just like, , 751 00:39:26,812 --> 00:39:28,366 and ran into Tony Hawk, 752 00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:31,299 and Tony, and I was just like, "Bah, comedian," 753 00:39:31,299 --> 00:39:32,542 and like ran away. 754 00:39:34,199 --> 00:39:36,822 And then Mike Watt was in this room, 755 00:39:36,822 --> 00:39:38,997 and Mike Watt was in this band the Minutemen, 756 00:39:38,997 --> 00:39:41,379 and I love the Minutemen, and I was just so nervous. 757 00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:42,897 Yeah. 758 00:39:42,897 --> 00:39:45,900 I was just so nervous to be in the same room with him 759 00:39:45,900 --> 00:39:48,144 that I was like, "I can't, I can't, I gotta get outta here," 760 00:39:48,144 --> 00:39:51,112 and I went down to watch the show. 761 00:39:51,112 --> 00:39:54,806 But when you're backstage at a rock show, it's open bar, 762 00:39:54,806 --> 00:39:58,568 and I am very good slash very bad at open bars, 763 00:39:58,568 --> 00:40:00,363 depending on your opinion of things. 764 00:40:02,676 --> 00:40:04,712 So, I'll tell you a story to explain. 765 00:40:04,712 --> 00:40:06,473 When I was eight years old, 766 00:40:06,473 --> 00:40:09,027 we were out of the house for about nine hours, 767 00:40:09,027 --> 00:40:13,134 and my cat knocked a five-pound 768 00:40:13,134 --> 00:40:16,068 bag of powdered sugar onto the ground, 769 00:40:16,068 --> 00:40:21,004 and then my 10-pound poodle Dougie Bowser, K9, 770 00:40:21,004 --> 00:40:26,009 proceeded to eat all five pounds of powdered sugar. 771 00:40:28,529 --> 00:40:31,359 And I can only imagine his day 772 00:40:33,016 --> 00:40:36,261 where manna falls from the heavens. 773 00:40:37,124 --> 00:40:38,608 He gets into it. 774 00:40:38,608 --> 00:40:39,851 It goes down easy. 775 00:40:39,851 --> 00:40:40,990 It's powdered sugar. 776 00:40:42,405 --> 00:40:44,234 But after a pound and a half, 777 00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:45,201 I'm sure he was like, 778 00:40:45,201 --> 00:40:47,341 "Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. 779 00:40:47,341 --> 00:40:49,101 I'm not feeling too good." 780 00:40:51,345 --> 00:40:56,315 But something in his little doggy mind was like, 781 00:40:57,489 --> 00:41:00,699 "But when is this gonna happen again? 782 00:41:00,699 --> 00:41:02,218 Let's get back in there. 783 00:41:02,218 --> 00:41:05,152 Let's finish all five pounds of powdered sugar." 784 00:41:05,152 --> 00:41:06,084 He did. 785 00:41:06,084 --> 00:41:07,223 He was sick for three days. 786 00:41:07,223 --> 00:41:09,121 He shit and puked all the time. 787 00:41:09,121 --> 00:41:13,022 That is exactly how I am at an open bar. 788 00:41:20,270 --> 00:41:21,755 So, I'm putting a few back. 789 00:41:21,755 --> 00:41:26,760 I'm watching the show, and for 10 minutes, it's perfect. 790 00:41:28,347 --> 00:41:30,073 I'm watching Dinosaur Jr. 791 00:41:30,073 --> 00:41:33,214 and I'm fully present and everything that's 792 00:41:33,214 --> 00:41:35,113 going on with my life falls away. 793 00:41:35,113 --> 00:41:37,253 I'm not thinking about the fact that my mom is sick. 794 00:41:37,253 --> 00:41:38,737 I'm just here. 795 00:41:38,737 --> 00:41:43,190 And then a phone goes up in front of my face, and I'm, 796 00:41:43,190 --> 00:41:44,640 look, I'm an old man. 797 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:46,158 I hate phones at shows. 798 00:41:46,158 --> 00:41:48,989 I don't mind a quick pic, but this guy was like, 799 00:41:48,989 --> 00:41:51,992 "I'm just going to shoot 15 minutes of this," 800 00:41:51,992 --> 00:41:53,580 and it was just right in front of me, 801 00:41:53,580 --> 00:41:55,858 and this is at a Dinosaur Jr. show 802 00:41:55,858 --> 00:41:58,446 where everyone is over 40 with their arms crossed. 803 00:41:58,446 --> 00:42:01,795 Like, this is the way Fugazi taught us to watch rock music. 804 00:42:02,899 --> 00:42:04,867 And so it's very apparent that this guy 805 00:42:04,867 --> 00:42:07,041 is just the only one with a phone, 806 00:42:07,041 --> 00:42:10,079 and I'm like, "I should say something to this guy," 807 00:42:10,079 --> 00:42:12,530 and then I'm like, "My mom would say something to this guy," 808 00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:13,531 and I'm like, "Oh, great. 809 00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,015 Now I have to go down that hole." 810 00:42:15,015 --> 00:42:18,708 Then I'm about to say something to him, and he puts it down, 811 00:42:18,708 --> 00:42:21,262 and I'm like, "Whew, crisis averted. 812 00:42:21,262 --> 00:42:22,505 Thank goodness," 813 00:42:22,505 --> 00:42:24,369 and I go back to enjoying the show, 814 00:42:24,369 --> 00:42:28,442 and then Mike Watt comes out on stage with Dinosaur Jr., 815 00:42:28,442 --> 00:42:29,547 and I'm like, "I don't know if this 816 00:42:29,547 --> 00:42:30,548 has ever happened before. 817 00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:32,101 This is historical moment." 818 00:42:32,101 --> 00:42:36,346 And then that fuckin' phone goes up again. 819 00:42:36,346 --> 00:42:39,591 And I was like, "Not on my watch." 820 00:42:41,455 --> 00:42:46,080 And I reached out and I shoved the hand down, 821 00:42:47,495 --> 00:42:50,568 and then everything went into slow motion. 822 00:42:52,052 --> 00:42:56,574 And I was like, "Oh, that hand feels tinier than it should." 823 00:42:57,402 --> 00:42:59,646 And then a woman turned. 824 00:42:59,646 --> 00:43:02,372 It was a brand-new person who had never done it before. 825 00:43:02,372 --> 00:43:03,926 That other guy had left, 826 00:43:03,926 --> 00:43:07,308 and she looked at me with rage in her eyes 827 00:43:07,308 --> 00:43:09,725 and she pointed at the stage where Mike Watt was, 828 00:43:09,725 --> 00:43:12,486 and she said, "That's my husband up there." 829 00:43:13,625 --> 00:43:16,835 And I just went like the camera of my life 830 00:43:16,835 --> 00:43:19,389 just immediately reversed on me. 831 00:43:19,389 --> 00:43:22,496 I was no longer some phone justice warrior 832 00:43:22,496 --> 00:43:23,980 protecting my mom's honor. 833 00:43:23,980 --> 00:43:28,606 I was a big drunk bully, shoving a proud wife's hand down, 834 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:31,747 and I was just like, "No!" 835 00:43:31,747 --> 00:43:35,164 I just deflated completely inside myself 836 00:43:35,164 --> 00:43:37,615 until I was just the tip of my own penis, 837 00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,409 and that fell to the ground, 838 00:43:39,409 --> 00:43:42,102 and then rolled out the door like a little green pea, 839 00:43:42,102 --> 00:43:43,586 which I do believe is a book 840 00:43:43,586 --> 00:43:45,484 by the fuck pirate Shel Silverstein. 841 00:43:49,212 --> 00:43:52,457 And I just left, and I went into the bathroom, 842 00:43:52,457 --> 00:43:54,252 and I locked myself in a stall, 843 00:43:54,252 --> 00:43:57,117 and I started to have a full-on panic attack. 844 00:43:57,117 --> 00:43:59,706 I felt so bad about this. 845 00:43:59,706 --> 00:44:00,983 I start hyperventilating, 846 00:44:00,983 --> 00:44:02,191 and I was like, "I have to fix this. 847 00:44:02,191 --> 00:44:03,675 I have to fix this." 848 00:44:03,675 --> 00:44:06,609 And now looking back on it, I know what was happening. 849 00:44:06,609 --> 00:44:09,267 My mom was dying and I had all of these emotions 850 00:44:09,267 --> 00:44:12,132 that I had never dealt with before coming up, 851 00:44:12,132 --> 00:44:14,410 but now I was placing them on this poor woman 852 00:44:14,410 --> 00:44:16,688 whose hand I shoved down momentarily, 853 00:44:16,688 --> 00:44:18,241 and I couldn't do anything about the fact 854 00:44:18,241 --> 00:44:19,173 that my mom was dying, 855 00:44:19,173 --> 00:44:20,658 but I could fix this in my mind. 856 00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:22,176 And so I was like, "I know what I'm going to do. 857 00:44:22,176 --> 00:44:23,108 I'm going to make this right. 858 00:44:23,108 --> 00:44:24,592 I'm going to make this right." 859 00:44:24,592 --> 00:44:28,907 So, I run in and I place myself in this dark hallway 860 00:44:30,046 --> 00:44:31,289 that I know she has to walk through 861 00:44:31,289 --> 00:44:32,290 in order to get to the green room. 862 00:44:33,325 --> 00:44:34,741 Guys, hot tip. 863 00:44:34,741 --> 00:44:37,053 Don't wait for women you don't know in a dark hallway. 864 00:44:37,053 --> 00:44:37,916 Not a good look. 865 00:44:40,539 --> 00:44:44,129 She comes in, and I immediately start apologizing. 866 00:44:44,129 --> 00:44:45,613 I'm like, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. 867 00:44:45,613 --> 00:44:47,029 You don't understand. 868 00:44:47,029 --> 00:44:48,962 There was a guy before you," 869 00:44:48,962 --> 00:44:51,930 and she is so cool about it. 870 00:44:51,930 --> 00:44:54,553 She is like, "Hey, no, I get it. 871 00:44:54,553 --> 00:44:56,383 I hate phones at shows, too," 872 00:44:56,383 --> 00:44:58,799 and because she's being cool about it, 873 00:44:58,799 --> 00:45:00,663 I just start bawl crying. 874 00:45:01,837 --> 00:45:04,287 And I was like, but I'm still apologizing, like, 875 00:45:05,737 --> 00:45:07,705 "Now I'm apologizing to you," 876 00:45:08,878 --> 00:45:10,949 and she's like, "What is going on?" 877 00:45:10,949 --> 00:45:13,641 And then her husband comes off stage, 878 00:45:13,641 --> 00:45:15,540 and her husband is not Mike Watt. 879 00:45:15,540 --> 00:45:17,576 He's just some fuckin' saxophonist, 880 00:45:17,576 --> 00:45:20,959 and you guys know how I feel about the fucking saxophone. 881 00:45:22,374 --> 00:45:26,724 The saxophone is the limp dick of the woodwinds. 882 00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:29,105 It even looks like you cut a limp dick off 883 00:45:29,105 --> 00:45:30,037 and dipped it in brass. 884 00:45:30,037 --> 00:45:31,038 That's what it looks like. 885 00:45:31,038 --> 00:45:32,315 That's what it sounds like, 886 00:45:32,315 --> 00:45:33,558 if you tried to blow through a limp dick 887 00:45:33,558 --> 00:45:35,318 that's been cut off a body like . 888 00:45:37,182 --> 00:45:39,184 And saxophones don't belong in rock and roll 889 00:45:39,184 --> 00:45:41,255 unless it's Bruce Springsteen or Rocket from the Crypt, 890 00:45:41,255 --> 00:45:43,085 and fuck saxophones. 891 00:45:44,258 --> 00:45:47,261 So, now I'm still crying and apologizing, 892 00:45:47,261 --> 00:45:48,228 but also saxophone? 893 00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:54,199 And I pause for a moment and I see in their eyes 894 00:45:54,199 --> 00:45:57,444 that they are terrified of me, 895 00:45:57,444 --> 00:45:59,895 and I realize that all at once, and then out loud, 896 00:45:59,895 --> 00:46:04,831 I just go, "Abort," and I turn around and I run away. 897 00:46:07,143 --> 00:46:09,905 I run out of the venue, 898 00:46:09,905 --> 00:46:12,977 and I run into Chinatown and New York City. 899 00:46:12,977 --> 00:46:16,325 I run into a park, and I sit on a bench, 900 00:46:16,325 --> 00:46:18,361 and I just start crying. 901 00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:23,539 I've never in my entire life cried this hard for this long. 902 00:46:23,539 --> 00:46:25,506 And I don't know if this has ever happened to you, 903 00:46:25,506 --> 00:46:27,129 but it's one of those cries 904 00:46:27,129 --> 00:46:29,096 where you're you crying for so long 905 00:46:29,096 --> 00:46:32,065 that you use up all of the emotion, 906 00:46:32,065 --> 00:46:33,791 but then you're still locked 907 00:46:33,791 --> 00:46:36,828 into the physical act of crying, 908 00:46:36,828 --> 00:46:38,796 and your mind starts to wander, 909 00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:40,176 where you're just like . 910 00:46:43,041 --> 00:46:46,562 "I wonder if it'll be nice out tomorrow," 911 00:46:48,460 --> 00:46:51,809 and then I got an idea for a joke, 912 00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:56,814 and I was like, "That's a good bit." 913 00:46:58,746 --> 00:47:02,129 I took a note of it in my phone, 914 00:47:02,129 --> 00:47:04,822 and I poured myself into a cab, and I went home. 915 00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:08,964 I woke up the next morning, and I was with my mom, 916 00:47:08,964 --> 00:47:13,692 and my mom was like, "Hey, how'd it go last night?" 917 00:47:15,315 --> 00:47:16,557 And I didn't want to tell her, like, 918 00:47:16,557 --> 00:47:18,525 "Oh, well I shoved a proud wife's hand down 919 00:47:18,525 --> 00:47:21,252 and embarrassed myself in front of all of my rock idols." 920 00:47:22,391 --> 00:47:24,151 Instead, I was like, "What do I say? 921 00:47:24,151 --> 00:47:27,223 Well, I wrote a joke last night," 922 00:47:28,397 --> 00:47:31,158 and she was like, "Tell it to me," 923 00:47:31,158 --> 00:47:34,230 and then I was like, "Okay," 924 00:47:35,404 --> 00:47:39,028 and then I was like, "Oh, unconscious, 925 00:47:39,028 --> 00:47:41,237 please let this be good," 926 00:47:41,237 --> 00:47:43,722 'cause I didn't really remember it. 927 00:47:43,722 --> 00:47:45,621 Took out my phone, 928 00:47:45,621 --> 00:47:49,832 and this was the joke I read to my dying mother. 929 00:47:51,730 --> 00:47:54,561 "When you're crying, 930 00:47:54,561 --> 00:47:58,220 your glasses are tiny aquariums 931 00:47:58,220 --> 00:48:00,256 that are terrible at their job." 932 00:48:18,343 --> 00:48:20,932 And you have never seen a woman 933 00:48:22,347 --> 00:48:27,007 fake-laugh harder than my mom fake-laughed at that joke. 934 00:48:29,561 --> 00:48:34,152 And I realized what I wanted to happen in that moment. 935 00:48:34,152 --> 00:48:37,845 What I wanted to happen is I wanted comedy, 936 00:48:37,845 --> 00:48:39,951 this thing that I've dedicated my entire life to. 937 00:48:39,951 --> 00:48:43,403 I wanted to gather up all that sadness 938 00:48:43,403 --> 00:48:48,235 and transform it into this nugget of pure joy. 939 00:48:48,235 --> 00:48:52,722 And instead, I got this nugget of mild chuckles, 940 00:48:52,722 --> 00:48:55,725 which is so much worse, you know? 941 00:48:55,725 --> 00:48:58,418 There's no way my mom liked that joke actually. 942 00:48:58,418 --> 00:49:00,489 You can't. It's a bad joke. 943 00:49:00,489 --> 00:49:03,561 It's overly cutey, kind of doesn't make sense. 944 00:49:03,561 --> 00:49:06,771 It's all of my flaws as a standup, really, you know? 945 00:49:06,771 --> 00:49:09,877 I essentially wrote the saxophone of a joke, 946 00:49:17,333 --> 00:49:18,679 but she laughed. 947 00:49:20,026 --> 00:49:23,684 You know, she laughed, because it's not about the joke. 948 00:49:24,927 --> 00:49:26,687 It's about who's telling it to you, 949 00:49:27,861 --> 00:49:30,726 and now that I have two kids, I get that. 950 00:49:32,141 --> 00:49:35,041 We found out that my wife was pregnant 951 00:49:35,041 --> 00:49:37,422 the day after my mom's funeral, 952 00:49:38,527 --> 00:49:41,564 and so I've been trying to be a parent 953 00:49:41,564 --> 00:49:44,084 without the parent that raised me. 954 00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:48,295 I always try asking my dad, 955 00:49:48,295 --> 00:49:49,641 but he's kind of hazy on 956 00:49:49,641 --> 00:49:52,196 which of his 18 grandchildren I'm talking about, 957 00:49:54,715 --> 00:49:57,166 but I'm trying, you know? 958 00:49:59,134 --> 00:50:02,275 And recently my daughter came to me, 959 00:50:03,724 --> 00:50:06,969 and she said, "Hey, Papa, do you want to hear my joke?" 960 00:50:08,419 --> 00:50:10,490 And I said, "Yeah, I want to hear your joke, baby." 961 00:50:10,490 --> 00:50:14,321 And she said, "Why is six afraid of seven?" 962 00:50:14,321 --> 00:50:15,840 And I said, "Why?" 963 00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,568 She said, "'Cause seven, eight, nine are going to eat 'em." 964 00:50:30,234 --> 00:50:34,514 And at first, I was going to correct her, you know? 965 00:50:34,514 --> 00:50:36,033 That's not how the joke goes. 966 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:38,518 Also, it's kind of weird to be stealing material so early. 967 00:50:44,351 --> 00:50:47,941 but I realized it's a better joke that way, 968 00:50:49,356 --> 00:50:52,428 that her joke is perfectly stupid. 969 00:50:53,878 --> 00:50:56,501 And as a comedian, that's what I try and do all the time. 970 00:50:56,501 --> 00:50:59,573 I try and make things perfectly stupid. 971 00:50:59,573 --> 00:51:01,368 And my daughter just knocked it 972 00:51:01,368 --> 00:51:03,336 out of the park on her first try, 973 00:51:05,131 --> 00:51:06,684 and so I laughed. 974 00:51:06,684 --> 00:51:11,689 I laughed so hard because I loved my daughter's dumb joke 975 00:51:13,346 --> 00:51:17,074 the same way my mom loved my dumb joke, 976 00:51:17,074 --> 00:51:19,559 'cause it's not about the joke. 977 00:51:19,559 --> 00:51:22,113 It's about who's telling it to you. 978 00:51:22,113 --> 00:51:25,565 And I want my daughter to live in a world full of silliness 979 00:51:25,565 --> 00:51:28,809 and absurdity for as long as she possibly can, 980 00:51:28,809 --> 00:51:32,744 and that is one thing that comedy can do. 981 00:51:32,744 --> 00:51:35,022 It can make things perfectly stupid. 982 00:51:43,652 --> 00:51:44,515 Aw, so sad. 983 00:51:49,727 --> 00:51:52,626 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 984 00:51:52,626 --> 00:51:53,489 Good night. 985 00:52:01,635 --> 00:52:03,016 ♪ When I was kid 986 00:52:03,016 --> 00:52:04,845 ♪ My whole reality split 987 00:52:04,845 --> 00:52:07,607 ♪ I living a lie 988 00:52:07,607 --> 00:52:09,160 ♪ I was a killing machine 989 00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:13,854 ♪ I was a warlord when I closed my eyes ♪ 990 00:52:13,854 --> 00:52:15,753 ♪ I had to talk to the teacher 991 00:52:15,753 --> 00:52:16,995 ♪ She talked to my mom 992 00:52:16,995 --> 00:52:20,067 ♪ We had a real loud talk 993 00:52:20,067 --> 00:52:21,966 ♪ I had to talk to the teacher 994 00:52:21,966 --> 00:52:23,140 ♪ She talked to my mom 995 00:52:23,140 --> 00:52:28,145 ♪ They made the visions stop 996 00:52:31,044 --> 00:52:32,425 ♪ When I was a kid 997 00:52:32,425 --> 00:52:36,670 ♪ I was a total dick to inanimate objects ♪ 998 00:52:36,670 --> 00:52:38,638 ♪ The world beat the hell from me ♪ 999 00:52:38,638 --> 00:52:40,295 ♪ I took it out on a tree 1000 00:52:40,295 --> 00:52:43,263 ♪ Great Illustrated Classics 1001 00:52:43,263 --> 00:52:45,265 ♪ I took it out on a fig tree 1002 00:52:45,265 --> 00:52:46,508 ♪ Out on the lawn 1003 00:52:46,508 --> 00:52:48,406 ♪ I took it out on the backyard ♪ 1004 00:52:48,406 --> 00:52:49,545 ♪ Backyard 1005 00:52:49,545 --> 00:52:51,133 ♪ And behind Rite Aid 1006 00:52:51,133 --> 00:52:52,652 ♪ I took it out on the crates 1007 00:52:52,652 --> 00:52:54,654 ♪ And on the shopping carts 1008 00:53:00,694 --> 00:53:02,351 Some buddies of mine 1009 00:53:02,351 --> 00:53:04,215 who just happened to be data scientists, 1010 00:53:04,215 --> 00:53:07,287 their name are Mark Kanner and Manuel Mai, 1011 00:53:07,287 --> 00:53:10,187 they decided that they would write me an algorithm 1012 00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:12,292 that would write jokes for me. 1013 00:53:14,467 --> 00:53:16,158 Essentially, we give it a prompt, 1014 00:53:16,158 --> 00:53:19,644 and then in a millisecond, it generates 500 jokes, 1015 00:53:19,644 --> 00:53:24,235 and of those 500 jokes, one, it barely makes sense, 1016 00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:28,550 but it still kind of works. 1017 00:53:28,550 --> 00:53:30,207 And it's pretty exciting. 1018 00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:31,691 And so ladies and gentlemen, 1019 00:53:31,691 --> 00:53:33,624 would you like to meet 1020 00:53:33,624 --> 00:53:37,662 the first artificially intelligent comedian? 1021 00:53:37,662 --> 00:53:38,663 Joke-A-Tron. 1022 00:53:47,293 --> 00:53:50,296 ♪ Here he comes 1023 00:53:50,296 --> 00:53:53,160 ♪ Mr. Joke-A-Tron 1024 00:53:55,232 --> 00:53:57,441 So, the way we train Joke-A-Tron 1025 00:53:57,441 --> 00:54:00,271 was that we fed him hundreds of hours of standup, 1026 00:54:00,271 --> 00:54:01,686 including my standup, 1027 00:54:01,686 --> 00:54:03,205 and the way the algorithm works 1028 00:54:03,205 --> 00:54:04,758 is you give him a prompt, 1029 00:54:04,758 --> 00:54:06,346 and it will generate the jokes. 1030 00:54:06,346 --> 00:54:08,279 So, the first one we gave it, 1031 00:54:08,279 --> 00:54:12,179 simple, classic, observational comedy. 1032 00:54:12,179 --> 00:54:14,941 Said, "Have you ever noticed, dot, dot, dot?" 1033 00:54:14,941 --> 00:54:18,220 And so Joke-A-Tron, give me a, "Have you ever noticed?" 1034 00:54:19,773 --> 00:54:23,087 Have you ever noticed Jesus Christ comes up to here? 1035 00:54:26,953 --> 00:54:27,816 I don't know. 1036 00:54:28,989 --> 00:54:31,337 That seems like a new area for comedy. 1037 00:54:32,752 --> 00:54:36,342 I've never heard Jesus was a shorty before jokes. 1038 00:54:39,828 --> 00:54:43,176 Again, this was written by an algorithm, okay? 1039 00:54:44,764 --> 00:54:48,319 And then the next one, we just gave it the word farts, 1040 00:54:48,319 --> 00:54:51,011 'cause we're like, always funny, right? 1041 00:54:51,011 --> 00:54:52,875 Farts, country strong. 1042 00:54:58,536 --> 00:55:01,194 That could be a tagline for an entire hour. 1043 00:55:03,610 --> 00:55:05,060 The farts one were so good, 1044 00:55:05,060 --> 00:55:07,511 let's give us another farts one, Joke-A-Tron. 1045 00:55:07,511 --> 00:55:09,547 Farts don't feel its own crimes. 1046 00:55:12,205 --> 00:55:13,240 That's true. 1047 00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:14,069 That's true. 1048 00:55:15,588 --> 00:55:18,315 Oh, hell, let's get another farts one. 1049 00:55:18,315 --> 00:55:22,560 Farts, a bathroom applause on a little milk. 1050 00:55:25,632 --> 00:55:26,633 He's a poet. 1051 00:55:28,463 --> 00:55:29,464 He's a poet. 1052 00:55:33,778 --> 00:55:34,607 Good job. 1053 00:55:35,746 --> 00:55:39,059 You weird duct tape thing. 1054 00:55:43,063 --> 00:55:45,894 Do you have any dad material, Joke-A-Tron, you know? 1055 00:55:45,894 --> 00:55:47,827 'Cause we gotta fit it in this special. 1056 00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:50,692 Joke-A-Tron, give me some dad material. 1057 00:55:52,245 --> 00:55:54,592 Having kids is like, "Jim, madam, 1058 00:55:54,592 --> 00:55:56,145 sit down, shut up." 1059 00:55:59,563 --> 00:56:01,599 That's actually very true. 1060 00:56:01,599 --> 00:56:04,395 This is actually the truest thing I've ever seen. 1061 00:56:08,434 --> 00:56:10,125 Give me another one, Joke-A-Tron. 1062 00:56:11,713 --> 00:56:14,992 "Having kids is like David Beckham watching Darth Vader. 1063 00:56:14,992 --> 00:56:16,821 According to the Democratic Amendment, 1064 00:56:16,821 --> 00:56:18,927 I've done Sandy Hook massacre." 1065 00:56:24,657 --> 00:56:27,349 What's going on, Joke-A-Tron? 1066 00:56:27,349 --> 00:56:29,109 You throwing me under the bus here. 1067 00:56:30,352 --> 00:56:31,871 He's getting political. 1068 00:56:31,871 --> 00:56:34,874 All right, give me one more dad joke, Joke-A-Tron. 1069 00:56:36,013 --> 00:56:38,636 "Having kids is like watching the BBC 1070 00:56:38,636 --> 00:56:40,293 at Sean Penn's nuts." 1071 00:56:41,605 --> 00:56:43,089 A classic. 1072 00:56:43,089 --> 00:56:45,505 Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Joke-A-Tron, 1073 00:56:46,644 --> 00:56:48,474 the first AI comedian. 1074 00:56:50,890 --> 00:56:55,515 Get outta here, Joke-A-Tron. 1075 00:56:55,515 --> 00:56:58,173 That's the way it leaves a room, just backwards. 1076 00:56:59,485 --> 00:57:00,486 So disturbing. 1077 00:57:02,004 --> 00:57:03,143 It's creepy. 1078 00:57:03,143 --> 00:57:04,213 Really creeps me out. 1079 00:57:10,979 --> 00:57:12,567 - [Speaker] Thank you very much.