♪ You did it ♪
- ♪ You did it ♪ - ♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ Baby, you did it ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ You made me want you, yeah ♪
We keep telling you. We didn't see his face.
Could have been a woman.
Or a very thin, beautiful man.
I'm sorry, guys. This is an active crime scene, okay?
Nobody gets in the building. Nobody gets out.
Sir, it's my wedding!
One of your guests died,
which, by the way, is not a very good omen.
This is Islamophobic, man.
Would you do this to two white people if someone died at their wedding?
No, of course I would not.
You would or wouldn't?
I wouldn't. No, I would. I would!
Yes, I would. Ah, fuck.
Look, I don't want Internal Affairs up my ass again.
Here's what I'll do.
Anybody who has an invitation, they can go in.
- But that's it. - Great.
- Thank you. - Thank you so much.
- We happy? - I could be happier, but...
- Okay, well, that's not my job. - Thank you so much, sir.
You poor boys haven't eaten all day.
Same thing happened to me at my wedding.
You were married?
One whole day.
Murderwalla. Crazy night in Vegas.
Great sex.
Basically started the divorce paperwork
the night of the wedding.
- Holy shit. - Wow.
Look, boys, I promised Baba if anything happened to him,
that I would protect you in this fucked-up world.
And that promise is my goddamn religion.
I will always choose you.
I am sorry about Prairie.
Can you forgive me?
You did a really bad thing, Lucky Auntie.
I can understand why you did it now,
but... it's not up to me.
I can't forgive you yet.
But this roti roll is a pretty good start.
I'll take it.
Anyway, speaking of murder,
there is actually something else I need to tell you about.
Oh, God. Please, Lucky Auntie.
I-I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.
You know what? You're right.
It can wait. More pressing business.
After your little tirade about switching suppliers,
the Peruvians have dispatched
a really scary motherfucker named Chacho
to make good on the threat pinned to Dawar's head.
Oh, fuck.
So Chacho will be here soon
to collect our debt or our heads. That's all.
Just stating facts.
And how are we supposed to sell a million dollars'
worth of drugs today?
Oh, this is how we die.
Mir?
- Bushra, hey. - This is so bad.
I know. I know. I know. Hey, I know.
A death at a wedding is a lot to process.
Not that. The flower altar keeps falling.
I can't deal. I have to get into makeup.
Secure the altar. This is my big day.
Listen. I know this has been a lot, okay?
But I promise you everything's gonna be perfect
- from here on out. Okay? - You keep saying that.
No, no, no. I promise. I promise. Hand on my heart.
- Okay? - Okay.
Get outta here.
To be clear, this Chacho thing is a priority
- over the flower thing. - For sure.
Hey, who's in charge here?
...he doesn't have a leg?
- I am. - Thanks for holding it down.
FBI. We'll take it from here.
You know something? We don't work for you, Orphan Annie.
We're here to help, Sergeant...
Testicola?
- Am I saying that right? - Yeah. You're saying it right.
Testicola. That's right. That's my name.
Look, we're expecting something major here.
We're gonna look around.
Please keep your guys out of our way.
You know something?
You remind me of a guy
I beat the shit out of when I was a kid.
I'm not surprised that a cop
used to be a bully as a child.
Yeah. Why don't you go put your little rubber gloves on?
- Come on! - Go. Go.
- Do your FBI stuff. - Come on!
Ah!
Seriously, guys?
Who gives a shit at this point?
- He's right. - Oh!
We're all going to die.
When did you get so religious?
I'm just covering my bases.
I did a lot of bad shit in my life, man.
- Astagfirullah. - Right. And with that,
welcome to my wedding day emergency meeting.
As stated, things are pretty fucking bad.
Ahmad Uncle, welcome back.
It's actually Reverend Ahmad.
That's gonna be your new career
if we can't pull ourselves out of this.
Right. Ali, Feraz, Hassan,
really sorry for the trauma that you suffered.
Open the door, man! The child lock is on!
But we really gotta pull it together
if we wanna get through this, okay?
Dude, you're not the Chief Saab.
Why is he always talking
like he's Chief Saab?
You're definitely not Chief Saab.
And you're talking like you're full of coke.
You want some?
Okay, guys, can we please table our internal issues?
Table bullshit my ass, you dumb fuck! Dawar is dead!
Astagfirullah. Forgive me.
Oh, sweet Dawar. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet Dawar!
Look, there is enough coke just sitting in Ahmad's truck
to cover the million we owe the Peruvians and then some.
And it's not going anywhere with all the cops outside.
They can't get in without a warrant.
And if we give them a reason to come in here,
we're fucked.
We're out of fronts.
That's it.
- Hmm? - That's how we do it.
We're gonna use my wedding as a front.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mir.
You literally just told Bushra that this--
But this is the only way I can get us out of this.
This sounds super haram. I'm out.
Where do you think you're going, fucking idiot?
Like, Pakistan, bro.
I got a government pension over there. Fuck this.
- He's on a fucking student visa. - Fuck you.
Mir, are you crazy, dude?
- If Bushra finds out-- - Can you just let him talk?
We get the street dealers to pose as wedding guests,
put them on the guest list, put their bricks
in different colored gift bags they can take on their way out.
Have you looked at that mob?
I mean, rough doesn't begin to describe them.
You'd be better off putting them in hijabs.
We'll get them to shower.
But even if we get that far,
how do we get the money out of here
and to the Peruvians with cops and Feds all watching?
Sorry.
There's a horse in the kitchen.
We put the money in here.
So it's like a Trojan horse except filled with cash
instead of whatever was in the Trojan horse?
- Pretty sure it was Trojans. - Trojans.
We load it out with all the other wedding crap
and deliver it to Chacho.
The FBI and the cops will just think
it's a part of the wedding.
I can see in your faces that you all know this is gonna work.
I'll put the street dealers on the guest list.
Ali, call those scrubs and tell them to get gussied up.
Matthew and I will get started on the bags.
- Ahmad? - I'll get the cocaine.
Mir? You go be a groom, beta.
We'll take it from here.
Alright.
You sure you wanna do this on your wedding day?
We have to. This is my fuck-up. I gotta make this right.
Alright. But this is it for me, man.
Once this deal is done...
I'm out the game.
You know, I haven't wanted to admit it to myself,
but... I know.
It's crazy. I, uh...
I always thought I was the drug guy.
Turns out I'm not.
I'm gonna take care of everything. Okay?
I'll even pay for your fur sweatshirts and shit.
Thanks.
You were born for this, man.
I fucking love you.
I love you too.
Tiff in the tiffin?
Tiff in the tiffin.
Come here.
Calm before the storm?
That was Baba's favorite song.
Ahmad, I have something to tell you.
Baba was murdered.
- What? - It's true.
No, th-that can't be. He was--
He-he was killed by a golf ball.
Hard to wrap your mind around, but it is true.
I met his assassin.
He didn't know who ordered the hit.
All he could tell me was that they had Brown skin
and mid-digital hair.
Look, he's got hair on his middle knuckles.
It's a rare genetic trait.
It was Chickie Lasagna.
That scum-sucking greaseball.
- He dies tonight. - Tonight.
I'll do it!
- You? God, no. - Absolutely not.
I'm speaking in an elevated tone
because I'm talking to a moron.
How long does it take to get a search warrant?
What do you mean the judge is at a bocce tournament?
Put me through to--
And she's gone.
This is ridiculous. Just look at these guys.
They're obviously the Dars' crime associates
just waltzing in.
Sergeant Testicola, are you seeing this?
We need to take action.
Mm. Not on my watch, honey.
We got a little thing
here called protocol.
I learned that the hard way.
They gave me a, a little house arrest
that just ruined my marriage, so here we are. Alright?
We are so close to getting these guys.
And we're stuck behind a red tape.
Sometimes I really hate America.
I assume you're with the Dars.
- Chickie. - Yeah.
Is anybody gonna die at this event?
Just sayin'.
Fingers crossed, no one is savagely murdered.
Piece of shit.
How could you do this?
Don't ask me about my business.
Don't you dare quote The Godfather.
The one thing I asked was to not know about your business,
and you're doing a drug deal at our wedding?
Baby, I had no choice.
Why don't you just put that back where we found it,
and we can get back to the wedding?
You ruined the wedding
that I dreamt about since I was a little girl.
I had no choice.
I'm doing what I have to do for us.
Okay? Let's just get over it.
I can't just get over it!
I've seen something I can't unsee.
I had to tell my mom
that this was a bath bomb.
And you've both made it abundantly clear
that you don't want me if I'm poor.
So it's my fault for wanting things too?
You're saying you would stop all of this
if I didn't want stuff?
This is my world.
You joining me... or not?
Goodbye, Mir.
Well, this is weird.
We hear shit's falling apart.
This family has a dark cloud.
Yeah. No wedding, no cover. No cover, no deal.
No deal and... we're dead.
Anything we can do to help?
Huh?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the bride and groom to the stage
for the ceremony.
We're gathered here today
to witness the formation of a union,
one based on an ancient tradition
of rolling the dice and seeing how they fall.
Yeah, but before we get to it,
the bride and groom have prepared their own vows.
Where's Bushra?
Yes, he's rich. A little chubby.
Are you free to meet Tazeen's nephew
for brunch tomorrow?
I don't know, but the shrimp is really good
and I hear the gift bags are awesome.
- Nandika. - Raj.
We barely know each other.
The two things I know about you are
that you're really hot...
Like, not even the basic shit, right?
...and that your family is somehow
even more fucked up than mine.
- I don't know your birthday. - November 12th.
I don't know your mental health history
or your political beliefs.
- They're fun. - Oh, dope.
I can tell from your eyes, and also your awesome body,
that you are a good person.
And you know, ever since that one time
that we smoked weed together yesterday,
I just feel like you're hotter than I thought you were.
And that is a vast improvement
from the freaks, incels, and sadists
that are normally available to me.
And so I'm just like, "Fuck it." Right?
- Fuck it! - What's the worst that could happen?
I feel the exact same way.
- Let's do it, right? - Yeah. I do!
Yeah. Right. Well,
in a western deviation of the tradition,
the bride and groom may kiss.
- Come on! Come on! - I won!
Dead man eating ladoo.
If they would let me, I would kill you.
Okay, one thing at a time. Let's get the deal done first.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Thank you, guys.
- ♪ What you gon' do? ♪
- ♪ What you gon' do? What you gon' do? ♪ - Thank you.
- ♪ What you gon' do? ♪ - Thank you.
- ♪ What you gon' do? ♪ - ♪ I'm finna... ♪
Come on, come on, let's go.
There's 746, there's no different--
Ow!
Can't you count faster?
Hurry up, bro. Come on.
I'm not getting killed by the fucking Peruvians.
Have a good day.
That's pretty good.
Let's go!
Whoo!
Good evening. You must be Chacho.
Look, all the money's there. We counted it.
I can show you our tally sheet.
You've never been a cent short
since you took over for your father.
Late, but never short.
Chacho, encantada.
I believe this concludes our business.
Not so fast, Afortunada.
My employers have heard stories of your dogged efforts
to keep your dying operation alive.
It has earned their admiration.
- Wow. - So nice.
- So nice. Mm. - Yeah.
I am going to settle for not being killed
and just getting back to work.
Chacho, I want you to know that we are dedicated
to out-of-the-box thinking
and making us all boatloads of money in the process.
We are going big. Okay?
We all got that immigrant mentality.
Aye, amigo.
The American Dream esta muerto.
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.
But this is still the land of opportunity
for cocaine traffickers.
- Mm-hmm. - We need reliable partners.
You'll hear from us when the time is right.
Adios.
I think I love that guy.
- ♪ Just one look ♪
- ♪ And I fell so ha-a-rd ♪
Oh!
♪ In love ♪
♪ With you ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
Is the bathroom that way?
Yeah, I think so.
- You gonna be alright by yourself? - Yeah, I'm good.
The wedding is almost done,
and Chickie just broke off from the crowd.
No.
Let me have this.
Chickie.
Chickie, Chickie, Chickie.
You know my full name is Chicken.
Chicken Giuseppe Lozano.
Cool story.
I always knew I'd get whacked...
but not in a bathroom by a pussy like you.
Pussy?
Yeah, whatever.
You're taking the fall for Baba's murder.
You killed him?
I should have been the Chief Saab.
This was supposed to be my time.
In the old days, I'd have been boss automatically.
You should have backed me when you had the chance.
But here we are.
You fuckin' Brutus!
He was an arrogant asshole.
Never treated me with an ounce of respect.
And he was tanking the business. Our business.
So I thought, why not cut the head off the snake
and come out on top when the dust settles?
Oh, Christ.
How could you?
Well, I would've done it sooner
and rubbed you out at the same time.
Sorry we tried to kill you, Chickie.
Lucky thought you put the hit on Baba
because of your disgusting knuckle hair.
I think it's masculine.
But then... I remembered.
I was getting my unibrow done,
Silky Smooth on Washington Ave...
...and who do I see
getting laser hair removal?
I should have known it was you.
You were always so jealous of Baba.
- It sounds like a "you two" problem. - Shut up.
You're a clever bugger, Matthew.
And you make a bang-up cup of chai.
Oh, God!
No!
You have our loyalty.
We would follow you into the hell.
Mir's gonna take it from here. I'm out, guys.
This just isn't my vibe, like, at all.
Congratulations on your marriage, Raj.
I had an arranged marriage too.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
Thank you. Yeah. Gonna move to Tallahassee.
Start over, maybe take some night classes.
Have some weird, crazy sex with my wife.
Get to know her first, obviously.
Florida sucks, but you do you, Raj.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm. - Yep.
There's something I have to tell you both.
FBI, freeze!
Fuck!
Wow. So the FBI's crashing weddings now?
We know this wedding is a sham.
Mashallah. She said yes.
There goes the bride. Something went down.
We need to get in there, but we don't have a warrant.
You know, my grandpa used to say
it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Ever heard that?
Yes. It's an extremely common saying.
The other brother's getting married now?
Is this a Pakistani thing?
All I saw were two beautiful people getting married.
- This is a private event. - Just give it up.
There is clearly a drug deal going on at this wedding.
Hey! Unless you have a warrant, don't set a foot--
Oh, actually, our warrant just cleared one hour ago.
Pretty lucky.
Why don't you show it to me?
It's hidden in a place you wouldn't even expect.
- Your asshole? - No.
- Your asshole. - My asshole?
- FBI, freeze! - Chickie.
Hey, what the fuck?
- Chickie? - Chick--
Chickie?
Ahmad had your father killed.
- What? - What?
What?
- What? - What?
No, i-it was Chickie. He's got the hairy knuckles.
Laser hair removal.
Holy shit.
- I will rip your dick off! - I'm gonna kill you.
Raj, stop! No!
- Fucker! - FBI.
- Hands where we can see 'em! - Fuck!
We have an injured civilian here.
Requesting a medic.
Director Simpson, what are you doing here?
Our warrant cleared 30 seconds ago.
Thank God. You got here just in time.
These drug smugglers just shot Chickie Lozano.
Take 'em away, boys.
The FBI official here illegally
was the only one with a weapon.
I'm sorry, sir.
You shouldn't have been here. Disarm them.
Oh, come on. We're FBI agents.
We're following procedure.
Sadly, it's true. As of now, we're rogue operatives.
How could you? You were my hero.
You're still my hero.
Grab a bouquet on the way out.
Alright, fan out, boys.
Let's turn this place upside down.
Where's Ahmad?
Ahmad!
I'm gonna find that son of a bitch...
and I'm gonna kill him.
Ahmad!
So, as youse know, Chickie's been incapacilated.
That's medical for in a coma. So I'm gonna take over.
♪ Alright, one, two, three, shake me ♪
Oh, Lucky.
- You're fashionably late. - Shut up, Nick. You're fired.
Oh, whoa, whoa. Says who, sweetheart?
You're not the boss of me. You're not even Italian.
Express orders from my new business partner,
Geraldine Gelato "Gigi" Lozano.
She's in Turks, maybe Caicos,
and she asked me to deliver this message.
Uh-huh. I'm listenin'.
We're in charge now. Girl power. You go, girl. All that crap.
Anyone have a problem with that? Matthew?
Does anyone have a problem with that?!
Lucky Auntie, this is his third late payment.
We've tried beating his ass.
Have someone take care of it or I'll do it myself.
Yeah, I'm getting brunch with Chacho tomorrow.
Okay, bye.
Raj, you've been doing this for days.
Let's go take a walk to Pakora Palace.
You can go see Nandika.
Nah, I'm not going anywhere until we find Ahmad.
You gotta check this out, okay? Apparently,
Ahmad has a half brother in the south of France
and, well, they have no extradition laws over there.
So if I can tap into my network of Corsican assassins--
Okay, someone needs to get out of the house. Let's go.
Just give me a couple more minutes, man.
Come on! You gotta touch grass, buddy.
- It's a lot of yarn. - Did you know
Ahmad Saeed isn't his actual name?
It's actually Saeed Ahmad.
So the Aztecs would remove
the hearts of their victims
and then skin them alive,
and I thought that'd be perfect for Ahmad because his--
Alright. Alright. Here's what I'm focused on.
We won. The Peruvians are on our side.
- We're making a shit ton of money. - That's true.
And the golf courses are gonna take business
to the next level.
Raj, Baba's vision is finally becoming a reality.
You're right. You're right. We're thriving.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I skipped breakfast. Wanna grab a burrito bowl?
Okay.
Fuck!
♪ It goes Guillotine ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Sit in the dark and ponder how I'm fit ♪
♪ To make the bottom fall through the floor ♪
♪ And they all fall down ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Out of the shadows barrage of witch tongue ♪
♪ Cobra spit over apocalyptic cult killer cauldron smoke ♪
♪ Stomp music seriously, yeah! ♪
♪ It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes, it goes ♪
♪ Can't stop the groove licks jaws ♪
♪ Clear off them locks relentless raw movement ♪
♪ Fit to knock you from here to that g-spot body rock connected ♪
♪ To everything you want, ever did want ♪
♪ We got it why not come get it, stick your head in that hole ♪
♪ And watch me drop this cold guillotine death sentence ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ It goes, it goes, it goes, it goes ♪
♪ Guillotine ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Guillotine ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪