1
00:00:20,495 --> 00:00:22,855
Grumio?
Grumio, mate?

2
00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:29,497
Marcus?

3
00:00:31,697 --> 00:00:34,177
Grumio. No.

4
00:00:34,177 --> 00:00:36,497
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Grumio?

5
00:00:36,497 --> 00:00:39,497
Grumio? No.

6
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:41,498
Grumio, please don't be dead.

7
00:00:41,498 --> 00:00:43,498
Don't be dead, Grumio.
Don't be dead!

8
00:00:45,499 --> 00:00:47,499
I'm sorry.

9
00:00:47,499 --> 00:00:50,500
Poor, sweet Grumio.

10
00:01:02,342 --> 00:01:05,502
Hurry up, Grumio, you lazy slug.
Why are you so slow?

11
00:01:05,502 --> 00:01:07,502
Told you
we shouldn't have set off now,

12
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:09,503
in between brekkie
and me morning poo.

13
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,503
I'm fully loaded over here.

14
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:11,503
Yes. Well, not everything in life

15
00:01:11,503 --> 00:01:14,344
can be timed around
your bowel movements, I'm afraid.

16
00:01:14,344 --> 00:01:17,503
Hail! Hail!

17
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:36,867
Oh, you're kidding me!
Now we'll definitely be late.

18
00:01:36,867 --> 00:01:39,507
Can't we just nip across this party,
or whatever?

19
00:01:39,507 --> 00:01:42,507
It's not a party, you idiot.
It's a victory parade.

20
00:01:42,507 --> 00:01:44,709
You don't just nip across.
Ooh, victory?

21
00:01:44,709 --> 00:01:47,508
Who'd they beat this time?
The Parthians.

22
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:50,509
Looks like we kicked their arses.
Fucking losers!

23
00:01:50,509 --> 00:01:53,510
Ha-ha-ha! In your face, Parthians.

24
00:01:53,510 --> 00:01:55,510
Who are ya? Who are ya?

25
00:01:55,510 --> 00:01:57,510
Who, who, who are they, then,
these Parthians?

26
00:01:57,510 --> 00:01:59,870
No idea. Either way,
I'm not sure we should be cheering

27
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,511
the annihilation of another race.

28
00:02:01,511 --> 00:02:03,511
It's their fault, in't it,
for messing with t'best?

29
00:02:03,511 --> 00:02:05,352
Come on.
Let's go the long way round.

30
00:02:05,352 --> 00:02:08,513
Bloody hell, what were that?

31
00:02:08,513 --> 00:02:09,513
It sounds like we stole an elephant.

32
00:02:09,513 --> 00:02:11,513
They can do that with their nose,
apparently.

33
00:02:11,513 --> 00:02:13,513
You what? This, I've got to see.

34
00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:14,513
Argh!
Oh, sorry!

35
00:02:14,513 --> 00:02:17,514
You're treading on my foot. Sorry.
We just wanna see the elephant.

36
00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:18,514
Well, I wanna see soldiers.

37
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,514
Remind myself
what real men look like.

38
00:02:20,514 --> 00:02:22,514
Like professional murderers,
I guess.

39
00:02:22,514 --> 00:02:25,515
Well, not like some whiny pussy,
whose mum still tucks him in.

40
00:02:25,515 --> 00:02:27,515
You have a narrow definition
of masculinity.

41
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,516
Touch me again, I'll lamp ya.

42
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:31,516
And my mum doesn't tuck me in,
thank you.

43
00:02:31,516 --> 00:02:32,516
Bloody Nora, it's a whopper!

44
00:02:32,516 --> 00:02:34,516
Argh!

45
00:02:34,516 --> 00:02:36,516
Argh!
I warned you, dickhead.

46
00:02:36,516 --> 00:02:40,518
Grumio, help me!
Ha-ha-ha, this is quality. Ha-ha!

47
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:50,519
You're half an hour late.
Yeah, sorry.

48
00:02:50,519 --> 00:02:52,519
It was the army's fault
for blocking the road.

49
00:02:52,519 --> 00:02:55,520
And an old woman's fault
for punching me in the face.

50
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,521
And my slave's for not defending me.
Defence in't my forte.

51
00:02:58,521 --> 00:03:00,721
This is a slave
whose licence you failed to renew.

52
00:03:00,721 --> 00:03:02,881
Grumio, is it?
It is, yes. Hello.

53
00:03:02,881 --> 00:03:05,521
Yeah, again, his fault
for not completing the paperwork.

54
00:03:05,521 --> 00:03:06,881
Paperwork's not my forte either.

55
00:03:06,881 --> 00:03:09,522
I'm not sure he has a forte,
to be honest.

56
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,522
Well, why renew his licence, then?
Wouldn't you rather just sell him?

57
00:03:12,522 --> 00:03:14,523
What? Do you wanna buy him?

58
00:03:14,523 --> 00:03:15,563
Definitely not.
And there you go.

59
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:18,523
He's a dud, and I'm stuck with him.
Pot, kettle, mate.

60
00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:22,202
Right. Well, fill in this form,

61
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,564
and return to collect your licence
next week.

62
00:03:24,564 --> 00:03:26,884
And don't be late this time.
Yeah.

63
00:03:28,524 --> 00:03:31,525
Well, can I use your back
to write on? Oh!

64
00:03:31,525 --> 00:03:34,526
And he says I don't have a forte.

65
00:03:46,528 --> 00:03:49,529
OK, darling.
Right, next match, you V me.

66
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:50,889
No? All right,
just follow him instead.

67
00:03:50,889 --> 00:03:53,529
Don't blame you,
he's a bleeding beefcake.

68
00:03:53,529 --> 00:03:56,529
We're busy. Why are we busy?
All right, boys?

69
00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:58,048
Yeah, I filled the place
with soldiers.

70
00:03:58,048 --> 00:03:59,529
There's someone in me seat.

71
00:03:59,529 --> 00:04:02,530
It's a small price to pay, Grumio.
This is amazing!

72
00:04:02,530 --> 00:04:03,531
I know, right?

73
00:04:03,531 --> 00:04:04,531
I signed us up to this thing

74
00:04:04,531 --> 00:04:06,531
where businesses give freebies
to soldiers.

75
00:04:06,531 --> 00:04:08,531
Freebies? Yeah.
And then they all just pile in.

76
00:04:08,531 --> 00:04:10,571
They're getting freebies?
Yes. Why would you do that?

77
00:04:10,571 --> 00:04:13,531
Erm, to show some appreciation
to the heroes, maybe.

78
00:04:13,531 --> 00:04:16,531
Yeah. And to show some appreciation
to the hotties that follow 'em in.

79
00:04:16,531 --> 00:04:19,532
Although, they're only really
interested in the heroes, though.

80
00:04:19,532 --> 00:04:20,573
Sort of backfired in that respect.

81
00:04:20,573 --> 00:04:22,532
It's backfired
in every bloody respect.

82
00:04:22,532 --> 00:04:25,532
This is a disaster!
Yeah. Where am I meant to sit?

83
00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:27,532
Excuse me?! Hello!

84
00:04:27,532 --> 00:04:29,533
Hello, heroes and friends of heroes.

85
00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:31,534
Just to say,
we are no longer participating

86
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:33,534
in the free food and drink scheme.

87
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:35,216
You're more than welcome to stay,

88
00:04:35,216 --> 00:04:36,535
but from now on,
you'll have to pay.

89
00:04:37,535 --> 00:04:40,535
We've already paid, mate,
with our service.

90
00:04:40,535 --> 00:04:42,535
OK. Well, from now on,
you can pay with your money,

91
00:04:42,535 --> 00:04:43,897
for our service.

92
00:04:45,376 --> 00:04:46,536
Is this guy for real?
Are you for real?

93
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,057
Yes, I am.

94
00:04:48,057 --> 00:04:50,536
We just conquered Parthia
for pricks like you,

95
00:04:50,536 --> 00:04:51,537
and this is the thanks we get?

96
00:04:51,537 --> 00:04:53,377
You didn't conquer it for me.

97
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,578
I was fine without Parthia,
thank you.

98
00:04:54,578 --> 00:04:57,739
Some of us got killed.
Yes. Well, not you, though, clearly.

99
00:04:57,739 --> 00:04:59,059
I got wounded, mate.

100
00:04:59,059 --> 00:05:02,059
Picked up this baby
on the final assault.

101
00:05:02,059 --> 00:05:03,538
Did you? Really?

102
00:05:03,538 --> 00:05:04,538
Because I picked up a similar baby

103
00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:06,538
falling off a pony
when I was nine, so...

104
00:05:06,538 --> 00:05:08,539
Oh, I can't find it now.
It must have faded.

105
00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:11,540
Either way, you will have to pay,
I'm afraid.

106
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,540
Well, come on, then, lads,

107
00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:14,540
let's go somewhere
that values our sacrifice.

108
00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:16,540
They're doing free chicken
at The Beak Barn.

109
00:05:16,540 --> 00:05:18,741
Yeah, that's more like it.

110
00:05:18,741 --> 00:05:20,540
Come on.

111
00:05:20,540 --> 00:05:23,221
You need to respect the eagle, boy.

112
00:05:29,224 --> 00:05:31,543
Oi, oi, oi! Stop it! Come on.

113
00:05:31,543 --> 00:05:33,543
A couple more whacks,
the whole thing'll come down.

114
00:05:33,543 --> 00:05:35,064
All right, Landlord?

115
00:05:35,064 --> 00:05:38,544
Salve, Grumio. Look at this.
I have a message from the Emperor.

116
00:05:38,544 --> 00:05:40,544
Oh, right.
Were that him there, then?

117
00:05:40,544 --> 00:05:43,545
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's very hands-on.
What's it say?

118
00:05:43,545 --> 00:05:45,545
"Following the victory in Parthia,

119
00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:49,545
"His Holiness Augustus Caesar
hereby calls an end to all wars

120
00:05:49,545 --> 00:05:51,546
"and declares an era
of lasting peace."

121
00:05:51,546 --> 00:05:53,546
Oh, sweet! Peace is way better.

122
00:05:53,546 --> 00:05:55,546
Well, it's more peaceful, in't it?
Yeah.

123
00:05:55,546 --> 00:05:58,547
"As a result, our brave veterans
will now need housing,

124
00:05:58,547 --> 00:06:01,547
"and so he commands
a series of purchase orders

125
00:06:01,547 --> 00:06:04,548
"on selected tenements,
including this one."

126
00:06:04,548 --> 00:06:07,069
What? They're buying this place?
And kicking us out, yeah.

127
00:06:07,069 --> 00:06:08,909
Don't kick us out. We love it here!

128
00:06:08,909 --> 00:06:11,548
Well, I wouldn't go that far,
but yeah, please don't kick us out.

129
00:06:11,548 --> 00:06:14,549
That'd be a huge faff.
Don't sweat it, boys.

130
00:06:14,549 --> 00:06:17,550
You know me,
I can wriggle out of it.

131
00:06:17,550 --> 00:06:18,550
Cheers, Landlord.
Nice.

132
00:06:18,550 --> 00:06:19,592
"Given the inconvenience,

133
00:06:19,592 --> 00:06:22,551
"we are prepared to offer
an inflated price of a h..."

134
00:06:22,551 --> 00:06:25,551
Bloody hell! Erm...

135
00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:26,912
Right. So, does that mean...?

136
00:06:26,912 --> 00:06:30,552
Well, maybe I can't
wriggle out of it, actually.

137
00:06:30,552 --> 00:06:33,553
Oh, super! Super-duper!

138
00:06:33,553 --> 00:06:34,553
I mean, how have they done this?

139
00:06:34,553 --> 00:06:36,553
In one day, these heroes
have absolutely smashed

140
00:06:36,553 --> 00:06:37,553
my quality of life.

141
00:06:37,553 --> 00:06:40,553
This must be what it's like
for the bloody Parthians.

142
00:06:40,553 --> 00:06:41,914
Look, I hear you, brother,
and I agree.

143
00:06:41,914 --> 00:06:44,554
It is jizz. It's red-hot jizz, OK?

144
00:06:44,554 --> 00:06:46,555
But it's how we respond
to this stuff that counts.

145
00:06:46,555 --> 00:06:49,555
Yes, yes. I know.
Think of the positives.

146
00:06:49,555 --> 00:06:51,555
Focus on what we've got.
Well, no.

147
00:06:51,555 --> 00:06:54,596
I was thinking more,
we join the army.

148
00:06:56,555 --> 00:06:58,556
I'm sorry,
what kind of response is that?

149
00:06:58,556 --> 00:06:59,556
Look, think about it.

150
00:06:59,556 --> 00:07:01,556
As soon as we put them uniforms on,

151
00:07:01,556 --> 00:07:03,557
we're gonna be drowning in hotties,
free chicken.

152
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,758
And it doesn't matter
if we get turfed out of this place

153
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,557
because they'll put us up
in barracks.

154
00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:09,557
You had me at free chicken,
sweetheart.

155
00:07:09,557 --> 00:07:11,599
And your quality of life,
double naughty.

156
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:13,558
I mean, yeah, unless I get killed.

157
00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,760
Death wouldn't be ideal
for my quality of life either.

158
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,559
Yeah, but you heard Landlord.

159
00:07:17,559 --> 00:07:19,601
His Holiness has declared
an era of lasting peace.

160
00:07:19,601 --> 00:07:22,081
We'd have all the perks
without any of the shit stuff,

161
00:07:22,081 --> 00:07:23,400
eg, dying.

162
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,561
And we might get one of them
bog-brush helmets. Exactly.

163
00:07:25,561 --> 00:07:28,922
Come on, man, there has never been
a better time to sign up.

164
00:07:28,922 --> 00:07:30,561
I turn 30 in a few weeks.

165
00:07:30,561 --> 00:07:33,561
I'm not just starting again
as a soldier.

166
00:07:34,561 --> 00:07:36,763
Plus, there's the bar.
We've got to think about that.

167
00:07:36,763 --> 00:07:39,563
That place has got
so much untapped potential.

168
00:07:39,563 --> 00:07:42,563
Look around you.
They've trashed the place.

169
00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:46,563
Me stock's gone,
the plates are in pieces,

170
00:07:46,563 --> 00:07:48,563
and they've shat in the wine jugs.

171
00:07:48,563 --> 00:07:51,403
Ugh. It's quite impressive,
actually.

172
00:07:54,565 --> 00:07:55,766
Oh!

173
00:07:55,766 --> 00:08:00,565
So, Jason, why do you want to join
the armed forces?

174
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:04,565
Er, I guess, to impress girls,
you know what I mean?

175
00:08:04,565 --> 00:08:08,087
OK. I'm going to put "to give
something back to my country".

176
00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:09,929
Cool. Yeah, yeah. That, too. Yeah.

177
00:08:11,929 --> 00:08:13,568
Ooh!

178
00:08:13,568 --> 00:08:14,568
Aaahhh!

179
00:08:14,568 --> 00:08:17,568
Could you please tell me the motto
of the Roman Army?

180
00:08:17,568 --> 00:08:21,409
Uh, "kill strangers, get elephants"?

181
00:08:21,409 --> 00:08:24,250
Almost. It's "strength and honour".

182
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:26,570
Well, they both work, don't they?

183
00:08:29,931 --> 00:08:31,570
Yes!

184
00:08:31,570 --> 00:08:33,572
What would you say
is your greatest achievement?

185
00:08:33,572 --> 00:08:36,572
That's a tricky one.
There's so much to choose from.

186
00:08:36,572 --> 00:08:38,572
I once ate a wheelbarrow
full of cheese.

187
00:08:38,572 --> 00:08:39,572
OK. Anything else?

188
00:08:39,572 --> 00:08:41,573
I didn't cut my toenails for a year.

189
00:08:41,573 --> 00:08:43,573
I think I'll stick with the cheese.

190
00:08:43,573 --> 00:08:45,574
You're the boss.

191
00:08:46,574 --> 00:08:48,574
Congratulations!
Welcome to the army.

192
00:08:48,574 --> 00:08:50,773
Ha! That was easier than I thought.

193
00:08:50,773 --> 00:08:52,574
Well,
with so many soldiers retiring,

194
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,574
we're taking almost anyone
at the moment.

195
00:08:54,574 --> 00:08:56,574
OK. That makes sense now.

196
00:08:56,574 --> 00:08:58,575
And we get 2,000 denarii
just for signing up.

197
00:08:58,575 --> 00:08:59,576
I can't believe it.
I know!

198
00:08:59,576 --> 00:09:02,095
I'm still waiting for the catch.
I think it's coming now.

199
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,577
Oh, for Jove's sake,
what are you doing here?

200
00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:07,776
Erm, giving something back
to my country, of course.

201
00:09:07,776 --> 00:09:09,577
Did you follow us?

202
00:09:09,577 --> 00:09:11,577
Well, let's not dwell on
who followed who.

203
00:09:11,577 --> 00:09:14,778
So, yes, then.
Yes, I did. But who cares?

204
00:09:14,778 --> 00:09:16,579
We're together, is what matters.

205
00:09:16,579 --> 00:09:18,579
This is a whole new adventure
for us.

206
00:09:18,579 --> 00:09:19,778
The Barracks Boys.

207
00:09:19,778 --> 00:09:22,579
When do I learn
how to strangle someone?

208
00:09:22,579 --> 00:09:24,579
Recruits, fall in.

209
00:09:24,579 --> 00:09:26,580
Which one's fall in? Sorry, mate.

210
00:09:26,580 --> 00:09:27,940
Just stand still, golden tits.

211
00:09:29,099 --> 00:09:30,419
Morning!

212
00:09:31,581 --> 00:09:35,581
My name is Centurion Gordian,

213
00:09:35,581 --> 00:09:39,582
but YOU can call me sir.

214
00:09:39,582 --> 00:09:43,582
My job is to turn
you bunch of bed-wetters

215
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:47,583
into a crack troop
of hardened killers.

216
00:09:47,583 --> 00:09:51,583
Which, seeing as the Emperor
has called an end to all war,

217
00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:54,584
is a complete fucking waste of time.

218
00:09:54,584 --> 00:09:58,584
We should just form a daisy chain
and fucking tug each other dry.

219
00:09:59,584 --> 00:10:02,625
But the big man is paying us...

220
00:10:04,105 --> 00:10:06,587
..so let's crack on with the oath.

221
00:10:06,587 --> 00:10:08,587
Repeat after me,

222
00:10:08,587 --> 00:10:11,587
I swear by the sacred gods
of mine own honour...

223
00:10:11,587 --> 00:10:14,587
I swear by the sacred gods
of mine own honour...

224
00:10:14,587 --> 00:10:17,587
'..that I will faithfully serve
under the standards of Rome...'

225
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:22,428
'..that I will faithfully serve
under the standards of Rome...'

226
00:10:22,428 --> 00:10:28,589
'..that I will follow my commander,
wherever he may lead...'

227
00:10:28,589 --> 00:10:30,589
'..that I will obey orders
enthusiastically

228
00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,629
'and without question...'

229
00:10:32,629 --> 00:10:34,789
'..that I will obey orders
enthusiastically

230
00:10:34,789 --> 00:10:36,591
'and without question...'

231
00:10:36,591 --> 00:10:41,591
'..that I will support
my fellow soldiers...'

232
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:46,952
'..and I will never desert
the legion.'

233
00:10:48,592 --> 00:10:51,592
Having made this solemn oath,
I congratulate you.

234
00:10:51,592 --> 00:10:53,593
Welcome to the Second Legion.

235
00:10:54,593 --> 00:10:57,594
You are now soldiers of Rome.

236
00:10:58,594 --> 00:11:00,595
Easy-peasy!

237
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:05,114
I told her I was a commando.
I don't even know what that is.

238
00:11:05,114 --> 00:11:06,595
It's someone who don't wear undies.

239
00:11:06,595 --> 00:11:08,595
That was definitely true
by the end of the night.

240
00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:11,596
I've got to hand it to you, Jason,
I cannot believe how cushy this is.

241
00:11:11,596 --> 00:11:14,597
I know! And it's just marching
about, which is basically walking.

242
00:11:14,597 --> 00:11:15,597
And not to stroke me own goat,

243
00:11:15,597 --> 00:11:17,597
but I had nailed that
by the age of two.

244
00:11:17,597 --> 00:11:19,597
And this is great.
Uh-huh.

245
00:11:19,597 --> 00:11:20,637
I didn't catch much of that, Grumio,

246
00:11:20,637 --> 00:11:23,597
but I'm assuming it was something
about the free chicken.

247
00:11:23,597 --> 00:11:25,598
THEY CHUCKLE

248
00:11:33,438 --> 00:11:35,959
I need 400 sacks of grain,

249
00:11:35,959 --> 00:11:39,118
200 packhorses and 3,000 cabbages.

250
00:11:39,118 --> 00:11:41,600
Oh, that's a big recipe.
What are you making, a stew?

251
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,601
No, no.

252
00:11:43,601 --> 00:11:46,601
We had news last night
of a barbarian invasion

253
00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:47,601
on our northern border.

254
00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:50,120
Oh, really? Where's that, then?

255
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,602
Frisia.
About a three-week march away.

256
00:11:52,602 --> 00:11:54,603
Oh, that's fine.
They won't get here for ages.

257
00:11:54,603 --> 00:11:57,603
They won't get here at all, ideally.

258
00:11:57,603 --> 00:11:59,604
We're sending the Second Legion
to drive them back.

259
00:11:59,604 --> 00:12:01,284
Nice one! That'll learn 'em.

260
00:12:01,284 --> 00:12:02,604
But that's us.
We're the Second Legion.

261
00:12:02,604 --> 00:12:05,604
Oh, shit! That is us.
There we go. The penny's dropped.

262
00:12:05,604 --> 00:12:08,605
Yes, the Emperor's put us on
an immediate war footing, you see.

263
00:12:08,605 --> 00:12:10,605
But what about the era
of lasting peace?

264
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:13,605
I suppose it didn't last very long,
did it? As per.

265
00:12:13,605 --> 00:12:16,606
Did you hear the news, lads?
Go pack your bollocks.

266
00:12:16,606 --> 00:12:18,606
We're going to war, baby. Come on!

267
00:12:18,606 --> 00:12:22,126
Let's kill
some filthy foreign fucks. Yes!

268
00:12:24,647 --> 00:12:26,647
Strength and honour, then.

269
00:12:26,647 --> 00:12:28,607
Strength and honour.

270
00:12:37,808 --> 00:12:40,808
War?! Fucking war?

271
00:12:40,808 --> 00:12:43,609
"There's never been a better time
to sign up," you said.

272
00:12:43,609 --> 00:12:44,609
Well, don't blame me.

273
00:12:44,609 --> 00:12:47,651
Blame the barbarians for invading,
or the Emperor for getting wound up.

274
00:12:47,651 --> 00:12:49,612
Chill out. It'll be fine.

275
00:12:49,612 --> 00:12:51,612
I'm sorry, what? War will be fine?

276
00:12:51,612 --> 00:12:53,612
Probs.

277
00:12:53,612 --> 00:12:55,612
Yeah. Look, it might even be good.

278
00:12:55,612 --> 00:12:57,612
Right, we toddle up there,
fight some foreigners,

279
00:12:57,612 --> 00:12:58,612
bang some birds
and then we toddle back.

280
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,612
It'll be like a lads' holiday.

281
00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:03,613
Of course it won't.
It will be horrible.

282
00:13:03,613 --> 00:13:06,614
War is not for guys like us, OK?
Let alone Grumio.

283
00:13:06,614 --> 00:13:08,614
What? Why "let alone Grumio"?

284
00:13:08,614 --> 00:13:10,614
What part of soldiering
in't for me?

285
00:13:10,614 --> 00:13:11,614
Well, let's have a think, shall we?

286
00:13:11,614 --> 00:13:13,614
Erm, getting out of bed,
making your bed.

287
00:13:13,614 --> 00:13:16,295
Two things you struggle with
in the first few minutes of the day.

288
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,615
And how will you cope
with the bloodthirsty barbarians?

289
00:13:18,615 --> 00:13:20,616
Well, I'll give them a wide berth,
obviously.

290
00:13:20,616 --> 00:13:23,616
And if shit gets nasty,
I'll play dead.

291
00:13:23,616 --> 00:13:26,616
I think you won't have to play dead,
Grumio, when you will just be dead.

292
00:13:26,616 --> 00:13:28,816
Don't worry about me, son.
I'll ace it.

293
00:13:30,617 --> 00:13:33,617
Hey, if you're not up for it, mate,

294
00:13:33,617 --> 00:13:34,977
then how's about
you just don't come?

295
00:13:34,977 --> 00:13:36,978
Well, no, because that's desertion.

296
00:13:36,978 --> 00:13:39,618
And according to our oath,
that is not cool.

297
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:43,819
Grumio, pass me that knife.

298
00:13:43,819 --> 00:13:45,620
I'm gonna chop my pinkie off.

299
00:13:45,620 --> 00:13:47,300
What? How's that gonna help?

300
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:48,620
The army needs you to have
all ten fingers.

301
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,620
It's a bit chicken-y.
Don't fucking judge me.

302
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:52,620
I meant the knife,
it's covered in chicken juice.

303
00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:54,621
That's fine. Just give it here.

304
00:13:57,622 --> 00:13:59,622
Goodbye, little finger.

305
00:13:59,622 --> 00:14:00,622
Never really used you,

306
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,622
but I thank you for your sacrifice
to save the rest of me, so...

307
00:14:03,622 --> 00:14:05,622
MARCUS EXHALES

308
00:14:06,622 --> 00:14:09,823
If I can just...
bring myself to do it.

309
00:14:15,624 --> 00:14:16,624
OK, I am a bit chicken-y.

310
00:14:16,624 --> 00:14:20,624
War it is, then. Good choice!
I'll get one more for the road.

311
00:14:21,984 --> 00:14:24,625
Excuse me!

312
00:15:09,632 --> 00:15:10,992
Company, fall out.

313
00:15:13,632 --> 00:15:15,633
Fall out, not fall down, Gallo,
you ugly turd.

314
00:15:15,633 --> 00:15:18,634
On your feet, man.

315
00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,634
Welcome. Welcome to the garrison.

316
00:15:20,634 --> 00:15:22,634
It's a bit of a sausage party,
innit?

317
00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:25,634
What, the army? Yeah, it is.
What were you expecting?

318
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,634
Well, like, a girl in every port.
That's the saying, innit?

319
00:15:28,634 --> 00:15:31,636
Yeah, about the navy.
Is it? Shit!

320
00:15:31,636 --> 00:15:34,637
Saw a hot blonde standing in a field
a couple of days back.

321
00:15:34,637 --> 00:15:35,637
That was a scarecrow, Grumio.

322
00:15:35,637 --> 00:15:38,637
A hot scarecrow, then.
Company, attention!

323
00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:39,637
Sir.

324
00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:42,637
Get yourselves in groups of four,
and grab a tent from the pile.

325
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:44,837
Chop, chop! Get to it!

326
00:15:44,837 --> 00:15:47,638
And a one, two, three, four,
they call us The Canvas Crew.

327
00:15:47,638 --> 00:15:50,319
I don't think they do, actually.
No fucking way, mate.

328
00:15:50,319 --> 00:15:51,639
But why not?
We're a ready-made foursome.

329
00:15:51,639 --> 00:15:54,639
Er, well, because our tent's full.

330
00:15:54,639 --> 00:15:56,640
Yeah, we're already a foursome,
mate.

331
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,640
What? How? Who with?

332
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,640
Oh, God, where's he gone?

333
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,640
It's a bit of a sausage fest, innit?

334
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,641
There he is. Oi, mate!
Remind me your name again.

335
00:16:05,641 --> 00:16:07,641
Draco Fructus. Why?

336
00:16:07,641 --> 00:16:09,641
That's the one.
And you're in a tent with us, right?

337
00:16:09,641 --> 00:16:11,642
Yeah. So, whatever!

338
00:16:11,642 --> 00:16:13,642
Sorry, bro.
We can't let Draco Fructus down.

339
00:16:13,642 --> 00:16:16,642
All right, lads,
do you want to share a tent?

340
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:17,642
No, OK.

341
00:16:17,642 --> 00:16:20,642
Greetings, Centurion.
Welcome to Frisia.

342
00:16:20,642 --> 00:16:22,643
Thank you, sir. Glad to be here.

343
00:16:22,643 --> 00:16:24,644
You shouldn't be.
This place is a total toilet.

344
00:16:24,644 --> 00:16:26,645
Yeah. Foreign milk tastes weird,
doesn't it, Corporal?

345
00:16:26,645 --> 00:16:28,645
Oh, it does, sir.
Pillows are weird as well.

346
00:16:28,645 --> 00:16:30,645
No fluff to them at all,
is there, Corporal?

347
00:16:30,645 --> 00:16:33,645
Oh, they are very flat, sir.
Disgustingly flat.

348
00:16:33,645 --> 00:16:35,645
Well, let's hope
these newbies are up to snuff,

349
00:16:35,645 --> 00:16:36,645
so we can get out of this dump,
pronto.

350
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:38,647
They certainly are, sir.

351
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:41,327
Where's the corners?
That man's stuck in a tent.

352
00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:43,327
Which way's the right?
Get off me!

353
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:45,647
For fuck's sake!

354
00:16:45,647 --> 00:16:47,486
Get off me!

355
00:16:47,486 --> 00:16:49,007
Ridiculous!

356
00:16:49,007 --> 00:16:52,648
Go. Move, move, move,
move, move, move, move. Move!

357
00:16:52,648 --> 00:16:55,649
Come on. That's it, boys.
Move on through there.

358
00:16:55,649 --> 00:16:59,329
And the next! Let's go.
Go on, that's it, wee man.

359
00:16:59,329 --> 00:17:01,649
Faster, Gallo, you boneless dick!

360
00:17:01,649 --> 00:17:04,649
Go, go, go! That's it, that's it!

361
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,330
Keep moving.
Come on, Gallo. Pathetic.

362
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,169
You're like a lifeless testicle.

363
00:17:12,010 --> 00:17:13,650
Concentrate, Gallo,

364
00:17:13,650 --> 00:17:16,491
that wrist's had enough practice,
hasn't it?

365
00:17:16,491 --> 00:17:18,651
Well done, Grumio.
That's nice and shiny.

366
00:17:21,651 --> 00:17:25,012
Don't just hang there, Gallo,
you miserable streak of spunk.

367
00:17:25,012 --> 00:17:26,653
Pull up!

368
00:17:28,854 --> 00:17:33,654
OK, shit birds, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

369
00:17:33,654 --> 00:17:35,654
Combat training.

370
00:17:35,654 --> 00:17:37,174
I need a volunteer.

371
00:17:38,654 --> 00:17:41,654
Go on, then, sir, I'll have a bash.
Good man.

372
00:17:41,654 --> 00:17:44,656
Grab a sword.
All right. Oh!

373
00:17:44,656 --> 00:17:46,656
Now, I want you to edge forward,

374
00:17:46,656 --> 00:17:48,656
side on and stab it.

375
00:17:48,656 --> 00:17:50,656
Yes, sir. I'll do my best.

376
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:53,857
Good. Good stance.

377
00:17:53,857 --> 00:17:56,656
Low centre of gravity.

378
00:17:56,656 --> 00:17:58,657
Did you spar back in Rome?

379
00:17:58,657 --> 00:18:00,658
Well, the bath house
did have a steam room, yeah.

380
00:18:00,658 --> 00:18:02,658
Did you fight at home?

381
00:18:02,658 --> 00:18:04,658
No, sir. I mostly ate and slept.

382
00:18:04,658 --> 00:18:06,658
Ah, then, you must be a natural.

383
00:18:09,658 --> 00:18:11,659
You disagree, do you, legionary?

384
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:15,500
Well, perhaps you would like to
show us how it's done.

385
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,661
Oh, yes, please do, legionary.

386
00:18:19,661 --> 00:18:20,661
OK.

387
00:18:22,661 --> 00:18:25,662
So, something like...
Side on.

388
00:18:28,022 --> 00:18:29,863
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!

389
00:18:29,863 --> 00:18:31,503
Got it.
"Got it, sir."

390
00:18:31,503 --> 00:18:33,663
Got it, sir. All right.
It's quite heavy, innit?

391
00:18:33,663 --> 00:18:34,663
Side on!

392
00:18:34,663 --> 00:18:36,663
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!

393
00:18:36,663 --> 00:18:39,664
Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab!

394
00:18:39,664 --> 00:18:41,664
Oh, oh!
Did I say you could stop?!

395
00:18:41,664 --> 00:18:45,664
Sorry, sir, I just got a splinter.
A splinter? Oh, shit!

396
00:18:45,664 --> 00:18:48,664
Oh, is that why you're wailing
like a baby being buggered, is it?

397
00:18:49,665 --> 00:18:53,867
How in Jove's name are you
gonna cope with actual barbarians?

398
00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:55,666
Will they be made of wood, sir?

399
00:18:55,666 --> 00:18:57,867
No, legionary,
they will not be made of wood!

400
00:18:57,867 --> 00:19:00,867
They will be made
of pure savagery and hatred!

401
00:19:00,867 --> 00:19:02,666
Something you'd better be ready for

402
00:19:02,666 --> 00:19:05,668
if you're gonna be in the front line
of the Roman fucking Army.

403
00:19:06,668 --> 00:19:08,349
Sorry, in the front line?

404
00:19:08,349 --> 00:19:10,668
Stand down, Gallo,
you quivering anus.

405
00:19:10,668 --> 00:19:12,669
And shut up.

406
00:19:14,710 --> 00:19:16,669
Pathetic!

407
00:19:19,711 --> 00:19:20,871
The front line?

408
00:19:20,871 --> 00:19:22,872
I thought we'd be hidden
in the middle somewhere.

409
00:19:22,872 --> 00:19:25,671
The front line's closest to
the action. That's what you want.

410
00:19:25,671 --> 00:19:27,671
If you're at a gig, yes.
Not at a war.

411
00:19:27,671 --> 00:19:29,671
Hey, we'll be first
into enemy territory,

412
00:19:29,671 --> 00:19:32,672
so dibs on the spoils,
if you know what I'm saying?

413
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,513
Oh-ho, yeah.
I'm gonna spoils myself rotten.

414
00:19:35,513 --> 00:19:37,672
Oh, yeah, man, we'll scoop up
some of that sweet barbarian booty.

415
00:19:37,672 --> 00:19:40,673
The booty!
The fruity booty!

416
00:19:40,673 --> 00:19:41,673
Sorry, just to be clear,

417
00:19:41,673 --> 00:19:43,514
are you talking about
sexual assault?

418
00:19:43,514 --> 00:19:45,674
No! I don't think so. What? Are we?

419
00:19:45,674 --> 00:19:47,034
No. No, not exactly.

420
00:19:47,034 --> 00:19:50,355
Pillaging booty is a well-known part
of the war experience.

421
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,674
Consensual pillaging, yeah?
Well, they're foreign,

422
00:19:52,674 --> 00:19:54,675
so it's hard to know
what they're saying.

423
00:19:54,675 --> 00:19:57,516
Don't worry about it.
It's a grey area.

424
00:19:57,516 --> 00:19:58,675
It's quite dark grey, though, innit?

425
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,676
Booty!
Uh-huh.

426
00:20:00,676 --> 00:20:03,676
Little tip from the top, I apply oil
to my lips to keep them lubed.

427
00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:05,717
Aurelius, where've you been?
Why weren't you at training?

428
00:20:05,717 --> 00:20:09,677
And what's with the curly sword?
It's my big bugle, if you must know.

429
00:20:09,677 --> 00:20:11,678
Top brass saw I had music skills
on my forms

430
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:12,679
and transferred me
to the Empire Band.

431
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:15,679
The band? What, do you still have to
do soldiering, or what?

432
00:20:15,679 --> 00:20:17,679
No. We just play tunes at the back.

433
00:20:17,679 --> 00:20:20,679
Which is a shame
cos I'm also an excellent archer.

434
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:21,679
But hey-ho.

435
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,679
Can we get transferred to
the Empire Band?

436
00:20:23,679 --> 00:20:24,679
I doubt it.

437
00:20:24,679 --> 00:20:26,680
You need at least grade five
in a wind instrument.

438
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,522
And, no, your bottom doesn't count.

439
00:20:29,681 --> 00:20:32,362
Come on, band of brothers,
let's leave these losers behind.

440
00:20:33,681 --> 00:20:36,681
I'll catch you guys in a bit.
Hey, where you going?

441
00:20:36,681 --> 00:20:38,681
We're trying out
defensive manoeuvres.

442
00:20:38,681 --> 00:20:41,363
Yeah. Yeah, so am I.

443
00:20:48,683 --> 00:20:51,683
Hello there. I'm here to see
the senior officer.

444
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,684
I've just arrived from Rome.
Oh, yes, of course.

445
00:20:53,684 --> 00:20:56,725
The General's just through there.
Through here? Uh-huh.

446
00:20:56,725 --> 00:20:59,684
In you go, then.
He's here, sir!

447
00:21:03,686 --> 00:21:06,206
General Diomedes, sir.
Ah-ha, and about time too.

448
00:21:06,206 --> 00:21:08,687
Where do you want me,
on the couch, the desk?

449
00:21:08,687 --> 00:21:09,687
Er, wherever you like.

450
00:21:09,687 --> 00:21:11,687
It was just to ask about
the possibility of, er...

451
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,687
I can't tell you how desperately
I've needed someone with expertise.

452
00:21:18,688 --> 00:21:20,689
Come on, then, hop to it.

453
00:21:20,689 --> 00:21:22,689
My neck and shoulders
are in absolute knots.

454
00:21:25,689 --> 00:21:27,689
Chop, chop!
Right. Yes. Yeah.

455
00:21:34,691 --> 00:21:36,691
Ah.

456
00:21:36,691 --> 00:21:38,691
Senator Macrobius
was singing your praises.

457
00:21:38,691 --> 00:21:42,051
Said you had the magic touch.
That's... kind of him?

458
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,372
Hence why I had you sent from Rome.

459
00:21:44,372 --> 00:21:48,373
The doctors they have here are weird
with weird smelly hands.

460
00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:52,693
Don't hold back.
Really get in there, nice and deep.

461
00:21:52,693 --> 00:21:55,693
Ah, yes, that's it.
Is it?

462
00:21:55,693 --> 00:21:58,694
I mean... yes, I know it is.

463
00:21:58,694 --> 00:22:01,055
Am I knotty? I imagine I'm knotty.
Extremely knotty.

464
00:22:02,376 --> 00:22:04,736
Have you been doing
anything stressful recently?

465
00:22:04,736 --> 00:22:07,696
Yes, I'm the General of the Roman
Army during a military campaign.

466
00:22:07,696 --> 00:22:10,696
And that explains it.
Ah.

467
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:13,898
You know what? I think you need me
in here with you full time.

468
00:22:13,898 --> 00:22:16,697
CLICK
What was that? Was that a click?

469
00:22:16,697 --> 00:22:19,697
Yes, it was.
But it was a good click.

470
00:22:19,697 --> 00:22:22,698
I clicked it on purpose. Well,
it didn't feel like a good click.

471
00:22:22,698 --> 00:22:25,698
Well, which one of us is the expert?
Excuse me, sir.

472
00:22:25,698 --> 00:22:29,540
Sorry to interrupt.
What is it, Corporal? I'm busy.

473
00:22:29,540 --> 00:22:32,699
The masseur has just arrived
from Rome. Yes, I know, evidently.

474
00:22:33,699 --> 00:22:35,059
Ah, no.

475
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:41,701
This is my masseur?
Ergo, this is not my masseur?

476
00:22:41,701 --> 00:22:44,701
Who the fuck are you, please?
Marcus Gallo. Hi.

477
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:47,701
I'm a legionary in the Second.
I came to request a transfer, but...

478
00:22:47,701 --> 00:22:49,701
You started massaging me?
I did, yes.

479
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:52,701
It just felt like
the right thing to do.

480
00:22:52,701 --> 00:22:54,703
You clicked my neck, you fool.
Sorry about that.

481
00:22:54,703 --> 00:22:57,385
Even so, I do think I'd be better
in a non-combat role, all the same.

482
00:22:57,385 --> 00:22:58,704
Why did you let him in here,
Thaddeus?

483
00:22:58,704 --> 00:23:01,704
I thought... Well, exactly.
You should give me his job.

484
00:23:01,704 --> 00:23:03,704
I would never have let me in here.
No way. Get out!

485
00:23:03,704 --> 00:23:04,704
Yes, sir.
Now!

486
00:23:14,907 --> 00:23:17,706
Oh, you missed a good one today,
Marcus.

487
00:23:17,706 --> 00:23:19,706
Yeah. Gordian taught us
this formation called the tortoise.

488
00:23:19,706 --> 00:23:22,748
Does it involve moving very slowly
and living to a ripe old age?

489
00:23:22,748 --> 00:23:24,707
Cos that sounds ideal.

490
00:23:26,707 --> 00:23:30,708
Hey, I know you from somewhere.
Where do I know you from?

491
00:23:30,708 --> 00:23:33,708
No. No, I'm a stranger.

492
00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:35,709
Hey, Virgil, how do I know this guy?

493
00:23:35,709 --> 00:23:38,709
The Crown And Toga, in Rome.
Wouldn't serve you free drinks.

494
00:23:38,709 --> 00:23:39,709
Thank you, Grumio

495
00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:41,709
Yes, that's how I know him.

496
00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:43,709
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The shirty barman.

497
00:23:43,709 --> 00:23:47,710
What are you doing here? You weren't
a huge fan of the army, as I recall.

498
00:23:47,710 --> 00:23:50,712
Yes. Well, I needed a new vocation
after my workplace

499
00:23:50,712 --> 00:23:53,553
was mysteriously trashed.
Oh, was it really?

500
00:23:53,553 --> 00:23:55,712
That's a shame. Shame.

501
00:23:55,712 --> 00:23:58,712
Well, the military is no place
for a little puss boy like you.

502
00:23:58,712 --> 00:24:02,395
You'll be cacking your panties
when those barbarians show up.

503
00:24:02,395 --> 00:24:04,714
No, I won't, won't be doing that.

504
00:24:04,714 --> 00:24:07,714
I'll be repelling them, if anything.
Yeah, with the smell of your pants.

505
00:24:07,714 --> 00:24:12,234
No. With my acts of valour.

506
00:24:12,234 --> 00:24:14,714
Because, for your information,
I'm thriving here.

507
00:24:14,714 --> 00:24:17,917
I'm really impressing
and wowing people, actually.

508
00:24:17,917 --> 00:24:21,716
Legionary Gallo, I know you missed
training today and I know why,

509
00:24:21,716 --> 00:24:23,716
you filthy little bitch.

510
00:24:23,716 --> 00:24:26,716
Muster up the unit by the tents
in one hour.

511
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:28,717
Yes, sir.
One hour, fuck knuckle.

512
00:24:30,717 --> 00:24:34,718
He seemed impressed, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. He was well impressed.

513
00:24:41,238 --> 00:24:43,720
This afternoon,
it was brought to my attention

514
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,720
that a member of our unit
stole into the General's quarters

515
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:51,721
and assaulted his naked body.
Assaulted's a bit strong.

516
00:24:51,721 --> 00:24:56,722
Accordingly, there will be
a punishment for the entire unit.

517
00:24:56,722 --> 00:24:59,722
So, we shall be doing a dawn patrol.

518
00:24:59,722 --> 00:25:02,722
Paying a friendly visit to some
local villages,

519
00:25:02,722 --> 00:25:04,082
making our presence felt.

520
00:25:04,082 --> 00:25:06,723
I'll make them feel MY presence,
all right.

521
00:25:06,723 --> 00:25:09,084
Well, yeah, ask them to.
Not make 'em.

522
00:25:09,084 --> 00:25:12,724
Grumio, I am promoting you
to Legionary First Class

523
00:25:12,724 --> 00:25:13,925
in recognition of your progress.

524
00:25:13,925 --> 00:25:17,724
You will carry the eagle on patrol.
Can you handle that?

525
00:25:17,724 --> 00:25:20,724
Will it peck me, sir?
It's made of solid gold.

526
00:25:20,724 --> 00:25:22,726
Then I can handle it, sir.
Good.

527
00:25:22,726 --> 00:25:25,726
I suggest we all get some sleep.
We're up at first light.

528
00:25:26,726 --> 00:25:29,726
OK. What are you doing?
What are you on about?

529
00:25:29,726 --> 00:25:34,726
What? Obeying orders? Being... good?
What are you up to?

530
00:25:34,726 --> 00:25:36,727
Nothing. He's my commanding officer.
He outranks me.

531
00:25:36,727 --> 00:25:39,729
So do I. I'm literally your master
and you have never done a thing

532
00:25:39,729 --> 00:25:42,729
I've asked you to,
let alone call me "sir".

533
00:25:42,729 --> 00:25:45,729
Odd that, in't it? Maybe
it's just a question of respect.

534
00:25:45,729 --> 00:25:48,249
If anything,
you should be calling me sir now.

535
00:25:48,249 --> 00:25:49,730
OK. Just remember
who the boss is here.

536
00:25:49,730 --> 00:25:52,730
Probably the lad
with the solid gold eagle.

537
00:26:33,736 --> 00:26:34,737
Hey.

538
00:26:34,737 --> 00:26:38,737
# We're going to a village
We'll have a little pillage

539
00:26:38,737 --> 00:26:41,737
# I need to do my duty
Let's go and grab some booty

540
00:26:41,737 --> 00:26:46,739
# Before we stick it in
Let's get their permission. #

541
00:26:47,739 --> 00:26:50,739
Well, no booty for me, thanks, guys.

542
00:26:50,739 --> 00:26:52,739
I've-I've got a sweetheart
waiting for me back home.

543
00:26:52,739 --> 00:26:55,739
Ah, that's nice.
Yep. I keep a picture in my pocket

544
00:26:55,739 --> 00:26:57,740
so I can see her every day
until we're reunited.

545
00:26:57,740 --> 00:27:00,740
Can you not do that, please?
Marcus is a bit unlucky in love.

546
00:27:00,740 --> 00:27:02,741
It's just, it's making me
a bit uncomfortable.

547
00:27:02,741 --> 00:27:05,741
We're getting married when I'm back.
It just feels like tempting fate.

548
00:27:05,741 --> 00:27:07,741
There will be a big party
and you'll all be invited.

549
00:27:07,741 --> 00:27:10,742
Oh, wicked, cheers! It'll be
the happiest day of my life.

550
00:27:10,742 --> 00:27:12,742
Shut up, please!
Sorry, dude. No offence!

551
00:27:12,742 --> 00:27:15,742
Chill out, dude! He's just
wanging on about his sweetheart.

552
00:27:20,743 --> 00:27:22,743
Sir, there's something in t'trees.

553
00:27:26,744 --> 00:27:30,745
Oh, and by the way, sir,
I absolutely love my new hat. Shh!

554
00:27:46,788 --> 00:27:50,590
It's an ambush!

555
00:27:50,590 --> 00:27:54,790
Testudo, move up! Testudo!
Testudo!

556
00:27:54,790 --> 00:27:58,430
What? What does that mean?
Tortoise formation!

557
00:27:58,430 --> 00:28:01,749
That was the one I missed!
Just get under your shield!

558
00:28:02,749 --> 00:28:04,750
Fuck, I don't like it.

559
00:28:10,751 --> 00:28:12,432
I don't like it!

560
00:28:22,793 --> 00:28:24,754
Oh, my fucking God!

561
00:28:29,754 --> 00:28:31,755
Fuck me!

562
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:35,755
Get off me!

563
00:28:42,756 --> 00:28:43,756
Let's get out of here!

564
00:28:43,756 --> 00:28:46,438
I don't think that's really allowed,
is it? Who cares?!

565
00:28:48,117 --> 00:28:50,598
OK. Fair enough. Let's go.

566
00:29:09,759 --> 00:29:10,759
Grumio?

567
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,761
The barbarians have definitely
gone home.

568
00:29:14,761 --> 00:29:17,442
Yeah, for now. Go on, then.

569
00:29:25,964 --> 00:29:27,763
Grumio. Grumio, mate.

570
00:29:27,763 --> 00:29:33,445
Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate.
Who are you saying sorry to?

571
00:29:33,445 --> 00:29:35,764
The dead guys.
I keep stepping on them.

572
00:29:35,764 --> 00:29:36,764
Sorry, sir.

573
00:29:39,606 --> 00:29:40,765
Grumio.

574
00:29:42,765 --> 00:29:45,766
Have you found him? No, it's just
someone else with a shit haircut.

575
00:29:46,766 --> 00:29:50,766
Grumio? Grumio, mate.
Grumio.

576
00:29:55,767 --> 00:29:56,767
Marcus!

577
00:29:58,767 --> 00:30:04,449
Oh, Grumio. No. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Grumio.

578
00:30:04,449 --> 00:30:05,769
Grumio. No.

579
00:30:07,769 --> 00:30:09,450
Grumio, please don't be dead.

580
00:30:09,450 --> 00:30:12,769
Don't be dead, Grumio,
don't be dead!

581
00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,971
I'm sorry.

582
00:30:14,971 --> 00:30:17,770
Poor, sweet Grumio.

583
00:30:21,813 --> 00:30:24,772
All right, chill out.
You're not dead?!

584
00:30:24,772 --> 00:30:26,772
No, I'm playing dead,
like I said I would.

585
00:30:26,772 --> 00:30:29,453
Bloody hell, G-man.
Thank fuck for that!

586
00:30:29,453 --> 00:30:32,454
Come on, then.
Get this big bastard off me.

587
00:30:34,774 --> 00:30:36,975
OK. Let's get out of here.

588
00:30:36,975 --> 00:30:38,774
I'm not loving the vibe.

589
00:30:41,774 --> 00:30:42,774
Sorry.

590
00:30:47,775 --> 00:30:49,775
You were so still.
I totally thought you was a goner.

591
00:30:49,775 --> 00:30:53,776
I actually fell asleep for a bit.
That barbarian was so cosy.

592
00:30:53,776 --> 00:30:56,776
Yeah, I think Rome's due south,
whichever way that is.

593
00:30:56,776 --> 00:30:58,817
OK, cool. I'm on it.
Rome?

594
00:30:58,817 --> 00:31:01,777
Who cares about Rome?
We're going back to camp.

595
00:31:01,777 --> 00:31:04,777
Are you kidding me? We're not
going back to the army ever again.

596
00:31:04,777 --> 00:31:06,297
We swore an oath.

597
00:31:06,297 --> 00:31:08,778
If we don't go back now,
we're a bunch of shitty deserters.

598
00:31:08,778 --> 00:31:11,779
Yeah. Well, I think I finally found
my ideal role in the army.

599
00:31:11,779 --> 00:31:13,780
You lily-livered bastard.

600
00:31:13,780 --> 00:31:15,780
I'm sorry.
Which one of us played dead?

601
00:31:15,780 --> 00:31:19,780
As Legionary First Class, I order
you to take me back to camp.

602
00:31:19,780 --> 00:31:23,300
And as your master, I laugh
in the face of your orders. Ha!

603
00:31:24,781 --> 00:31:27,782
But it's up to you, Grumio.
You can toddle off back to camp

604
00:31:27,782 --> 00:31:28,983
and die in a horrid battle,

605
00:31:28,983 --> 00:31:30,823
or you can head south
with me and Jason.

606
00:31:30,823 --> 00:31:33,782
Which is this way, by the way.
Is it? Yeah.

607
00:31:33,782 --> 00:31:36,142
How do you know that? Oh, me and
my dad used to go camping, right?

608
00:31:36,142 --> 00:31:38,782
We'd always work out the route
by the sploshing of the rivers,

609
00:31:38,782 --> 00:31:40,784
the squawking of the geese, like...
Oh, yeah.

610
00:31:40,784 --> 00:31:42,784
Over to you, then.

611
00:31:42,784 --> 00:31:44,784
We should get rid of
these uniforms, though,

612
00:31:44,784 --> 00:31:46,784
with all these barbarians
knocking about.

613
00:31:46,784 --> 00:31:47,784
I prefer not to look
like a Roman soldier.

614
00:31:47,784 --> 00:31:49,784
Yeah, good shout. No, me neither.

615
00:31:51,784 --> 00:31:54,785
And nor would General Grumio,
it seems.

616
00:31:59,786 --> 00:32:02,786
'Chase The Devil'
by Max Romeo and The Upsetters

617
00:32:02,786 --> 00:32:09,788
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt
And chase Satan out of Earth

618
00:32:09,788 --> 00:32:12,308
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt

619
00:32:12,308 --> 00:32:15,789
# And chase the devil
Out of Earth... #

620
00:32:19,790 --> 00:32:22,790
# To find another race

621
00:32:22,790 --> 00:32:25,831
# I'm gonna send him to outta space

622
00:32:25,831 --> 00:32:29,632
# To find another race

623
00:32:29,632 --> 00:32:31,791
# Satan is a evilous man

624
00:32:31,791 --> 00:32:34,792
# But him can't chocks it on I-man

625
00:32:34,792 --> 00:32:38,473
# So when I check him
My lassing hand

626
00:32:38,473 --> 00:32:41,792
# And if him slip
I gaan with him hand

627
00:32:41,792 --> 00:32:44,792
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt

628
00:32:44,792 --> 00:32:48,154
# And chase Satan out of Earth

629
00:32:48,154 --> 00:32:50,794
# I'm gonna put on a iron shirt... #

630
00:32:50,794 --> 00:32:53,794
They slaughtered every last man in
the unit, sir, and took the eagle.

631
00:32:53,794 --> 00:32:56,314
What? They took the eagle?
That's outrageous.

632
00:32:56,314 --> 00:32:58,475
And slaughtered every last man
in the unit.

633
00:32:58,475 --> 00:33:00,796
Yes, of course, and it's sad.

634
00:33:00,796 --> 00:33:03,797
Excuse me, sir. Sorry to interrupt.
Aurelius Leifer, bugle man.

635
00:33:03,797 --> 00:33:06,797
Just to say, there are three men
I can't find among the dead, sir.

636
00:33:06,797 --> 00:33:10,797
Names? Marcus Gallo, Jason Brindisi
and Grumio Grumio.

637
00:33:10,797 --> 00:33:13,798
You said Gallo? Well, he's
the arsehole that buggered my neck.

638
00:33:13,798 --> 00:33:16,798
It's because of that charlatan
I can no longer turn my head.

639
00:33:16,798 --> 00:33:19,799
Look at this. I have to wheel around
like a bloody weather vane.

640
00:33:19,799 --> 00:33:21,799
He's not in my list of the dead,
sir. Nor are the other two.

641
00:33:21,799 --> 00:33:24,799
And yet they've not reported back.
Ergo, they must be deserters.

642
00:33:24,799 --> 00:33:26,799
Well, that makes total sense, sir.

643
00:33:26,799 --> 00:33:28,800
They already deserted me
as a friend.

644
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,160
Optio? Sir?
Alert the tracker.

645
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:32,800
If anyone can hunt down
these deserters,

646
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,801
it's that brooding bastard.
Oh, the tracker sounds cool.

647
00:33:35,801 --> 00:33:37,801
Oh, he is... very cool.

648
00:33:37,801 --> 00:33:39,801
Then if I may, sir,
I'd like to go too.

649
00:33:39,801 --> 00:33:42,643
You see, I know these guys
like my own shadow.

650
00:33:42,643 --> 00:33:44,802
I've worked with them,
eaten with them, slept with them.

651
00:33:44,802 --> 00:33:47,162
I've slept NEAR them.
I haven't had sex with any of them.

652
00:33:47,162 --> 00:33:49,802
Yes, yes. Very well.
You may accompany him.

653
00:33:49,802 --> 00:33:51,803
Help bring these treacherous shits
to justice.

654
00:33:51,803 --> 00:33:53,323
You can count on me, sir.

655
00:33:53,323 --> 00:33:55,805
They'll get their just deserts
as deserters.

656
00:33:56,805 --> 00:33:59,805
The deserters
will get their deserts, sir.

657
00:34:01,805 --> 00:34:04,805
And let's find whichever barbarian
pig fucker stole the eagle

658
00:34:04,805 --> 00:34:06,805
and raze their village
to the ground.

659
00:34:07,806 --> 00:34:10,807
And our dead soldiers, sir?
Yes, of course.

660
00:34:10,807 --> 00:34:13,807
Give them a dignified funeral.
But do start with the eagle.

661
00:34:20,807 --> 00:34:22,849
Oh, it's chuffing chilly up north,
in't it?

662
00:34:22,849 --> 00:34:25,809
Yeah, on reflection, dumping
our uniform wasn't the best idea.

663
00:34:25,809 --> 00:34:28,809
Hold tight, boys. We'll soon feel
the Roman sun on our backs.

664
00:34:28,809 --> 00:34:31,809
In the meantime, we could put on
these uniforms down by this tree.

665
00:34:31,809 --> 00:34:33,809
Those are our uniforms.
Even better, then.

666
00:34:33,809 --> 00:34:36,010
No. Much worse!

667
00:34:36,010 --> 00:34:38,810
It means we've been walking
in a massive circle all day.

668
00:34:38,810 --> 00:34:40,810
But I was following the river
and water always goes south.

669
00:34:40,810 --> 00:34:44,011
Well, it goes down, yeah.
Yeah, exactly. The same thing.

670
00:34:44,011 --> 00:34:47,811
Is down the same as south?
No, it isn't.

671
00:34:47,811 --> 00:34:49,812
Yes. What? Is it? Huh?

672
00:34:49,812 --> 00:34:53,333
Sorry, Jason.
What exactly did your dad teach you

673
00:34:53,333 --> 00:34:54,493
on these camping trips?

674
00:34:54,493 --> 00:34:55,813
Well, I was on his shoulders
most of the time,

675
00:34:55,813 --> 00:34:57,814
so I couldn't always hear
what he was saying

676
00:34:57,814 --> 00:35:00,814
and, to be fair, we mainly camped
in the garden, so...

677
00:35:00,814 --> 00:35:03,656
OK. So, you never got lost
in the garden?

678
00:35:03,656 --> 00:35:04,815
Well, no. That's it. Never.

679
00:35:04,815 --> 00:35:07,815
Right. It feels like it's time
for a lunch break.

680
00:35:07,815 --> 00:35:08,815
Let's go and hunt down some scran.

681
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:12,176
See, my dad would know
all about that.

682
00:35:12,176 --> 00:35:14,816
Well, I wish we'd brought him
instead. Yeah, big time.

683
00:35:20,817 --> 00:35:23,817
So tell me, what are they like,
these deserters?

684
00:35:23,817 --> 00:35:25,817
It's good to know
what I'm dealing with.

685
00:35:25,817 --> 00:35:27,817
Oh, they're... they're mean.

686
00:35:27,817 --> 00:35:31,339
Mean? As in tough?

687
00:35:31,339 --> 00:35:33,819
No. Sorry. Mean as in not very nice.

688
00:35:33,819 --> 00:35:37,819
They're rude, basically.
Rude? Huh, now I am scared.

689
00:35:37,819 --> 00:35:41,820
Rude how?
Oh, I mean, where do I start?

690
00:35:41,820 --> 00:35:44,820
So, one of them, Marcus,
I met while working as a waterman

691
00:35:44,820 --> 00:35:47,822
at Rome's third largest
grain supply company.

692
00:35:47,822 --> 00:35:50,822
He and his buddy, Stylax,
were constantly calling me names,

693
00:35:50,822 --> 00:35:53,822
sneaking stuff into my jug.
Undermining me, basically.

694
00:35:53,822 --> 00:35:56,823
Probably payback because
I'd smooched this Breton he fancied.

695
00:35:56,823 --> 00:35:59,503
Not my fault. She couldn't keep
her hands off me. She's only human.

696
00:35:59,503 --> 00:36:01,823
Then, when Stylax got squashed
by a slab of marble,

697
00:36:01,823 --> 00:36:04,185
I thought Marcus would go easy.
But then Jason comes in

698
00:36:04,185 --> 00:36:06,824
and, actually, if anything,
things got even worse.

699
00:36:06,824 --> 00:36:09,825
And Jason is...?
Another deserter. And total scumbag.

700
00:36:09,825 --> 00:36:12,825
No sooner had I met him,
than he's making me hide the corpse

701
00:36:12,825 --> 00:36:14,345
of a well-known restaurant critic.

702
00:36:14,345 --> 00:36:16,825
Then he sabotaged me
in the Rome marathon.

703
00:36:16,825 --> 00:36:18,825
Made me eat my own poo.
Ruined my career as an escort...

704
00:36:18,825 --> 00:36:21,826
Hold on! You ate your own shit?

705
00:36:21,826 --> 00:36:22,827
Yes, because I'd lost a bet,
you see.

706
00:36:22,827 --> 00:36:24,868
But he didn't need to make me
go through with it.

707
00:36:24,868 --> 00:36:27,827
This is what I'm talking about.
They're mean guys.

708
00:36:27,827 --> 00:36:30,827
And don't even get me started
on the little one.

709
00:36:30,827 --> 00:36:32,827
He looks exactly like a mushroom.

710
00:36:32,827 --> 00:36:35,829
He once ate a crab
as though it was a pie.

711
00:36:35,829 --> 00:36:37,829
Just picked it up,
like it was a pie.

712
00:36:37,829 --> 00:36:40,829
Bit it, hurt his tooth.
Of course he did, it's a crab.

713
00:36:48,830 --> 00:36:51,831
Hey, I've found an apple.
Sweet. Give it here, then.

714
00:36:51,831 --> 00:36:53,832
No, no, stop!
We've got to share it, obviously.

715
00:36:53,832 --> 00:36:56,832
Fine. We'll take bites in turns.
No. No, no, Grumio.

716
00:36:56,832 --> 00:36:59,673
You'll eat it all in one.
Yeah, we should slice it up evenly.

717
00:36:59,673 --> 00:37:01,832
How? We haven't got a knife?
We've got swords.

718
00:37:01,832 --> 00:37:04,833
Oh, yeah, I forgot about these.

719
00:37:04,833 --> 00:37:06,833
Probably should have used it
in the ambush.

720
00:37:06,833 --> 00:37:08,834
Oh, well, too late now.

721
00:37:08,834 --> 00:37:10,834
Stab, don't swipe.
Don't you start with that.

722
00:37:10,834 --> 00:37:13,834
Barbarians, get down.

723
00:37:15,834 --> 00:37:18,835
OK, everyone quiet and still.

724
00:37:27,836 --> 00:37:28,836
What the fuck, Grumio?

725
00:37:28,836 --> 00:37:33,837
I'm starving. I'll take my chances.
Stop it! It's too crunchy.

726
00:37:33,837 --> 00:37:35,837
Fine. I'll lick it like a lolly.

727
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:38,838
Don't do that, it's gross.

728
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,681
OK. All right,
I think they're going.

729
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,360
No thanks to this greedy goon.

730
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:53,520
Oi, look at the size of that bite.
That's well out of order.

731
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:56,682
Oh, good!
So it's anarchy now, is it?

732
00:37:56,682 --> 00:37:57,841
I wondered how long it would take.

733
00:37:59,842 --> 00:38:02,842
He posed as a child
to win a school boxing competition.

734
00:38:02,842 --> 00:38:03,842
He fingered a lion.

735
00:38:03,842 --> 00:38:07,842
He killed, genuinely killed,
a renowned theatre director.

736
00:38:07,842 --> 00:38:09,883
He took a baby from the bins.
Shut the fuck up a second. Whoa.

737
00:38:09,883 --> 00:38:11,843
What, what, what is it?

738
00:38:18,844 --> 00:38:20,844
Apple core.

739
00:38:20,844 --> 00:38:22,844
Only just starting to brown.

740
00:38:22,844 --> 00:38:25,845
They were here not long ago.
What? How do you know it was them?

741
00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:27,886
These are strong Roman tooth marks.

742
00:38:27,886 --> 00:38:30,846
Dentistry's not so good around here.
Wow!

743
00:38:31,847 --> 00:38:34,847
This is cool.
You, sir, are very cool.

744
00:38:34,847 --> 00:38:37,848
And, you know, it is so nice
to hang out with someone

745
00:38:37,848 --> 00:38:38,848
as intelligent as I am.

746
00:38:38,848 --> 00:38:40,848
Honestly, those thicko losers
could be so annoying.

747
00:38:40,848 --> 00:38:44,848
We're not hanging out.
You're just tagging along.

748
00:38:44,848 --> 00:38:46,848
In silence from now on.

749
00:38:46,848 --> 00:38:50,850
If it was up to me,
I'd be working alone, OK?

750
00:38:50,850 --> 00:38:52,891
But I haven't even told you
about the time Marcus's dad

751
00:38:52,891 --> 00:38:56,211
stabbed me in the shoulder. And I'll
stab you in the fucking neck

752
00:38:56,211 --> 00:38:58,850
if I have to hear another
one of your idiotic stories.

753
00:38:58,850 --> 00:39:00,850
Understand me, beardy boy?

754
00:39:02,850 --> 00:39:04,852
Beardy MAN.

755
00:39:17,853 --> 00:39:21,854
Stupid midges. They don't know
who they're up against.

756
00:39:21,854 --> 00:39:23,854
I've actually decided
not to light a fire,

757
00:39:23,854 --> 00:39:26,374
cos it might alert the enemy
to our location.

758
00:39:26,374 --> 00:39:28,375
And also cos you can't?
And that, yeah.

759
00:39:28,375 --> 00:39:30,696
Oh, God, this is a new low.

760
00:39:30,696 --> 00:39:33,856
This is really not where I thought
I'd be on the brink of turning 30.

761
00:39:33,856 --> 00:39:35,856
Oh, come on, it's not so bad.

762
00:39:35,856 --> 00:39:37,857
If you forget about
the whole war thing

763
00:39:37,857 --> 00:39:39,857
and the fact that
we're totally lost, it's great.

764
00:39:39,857 --> 00:39:42,698
The three of us, bro-ing down,
having a giggle,

765
00:39:42,698 --> 00:39:46,858
surrounded by nature.
I guess it is pretty peaceful here.

766
00:39:46,858 --> 00:39:49,858
Oh! For fuck's sake, Grumio.

767
00:39:49,858 --> 00:39:51,858
You were surrounded by nature.

768
00:39:51,858 --> 00:39:53,859
Well, I'm knackered.
I'm gonna crash.

769
00:39:53,859 --> 00:39:55,859
OK. But we need someone
on guard duty at all times.

770
00:39:55,859 --> 00:39:57,860
We sleep in shifts, OK?

771
00:39:57,860 --> 00:39:59,860
Whatever happens,
one of us has to be awake.

772
00:39:59,860 --> 00:40:01,060
Right you are.
No probs.

773
00:40:18,862 --> 00:40:22,543
Wakey-wakey, dirt bags.
That was your morning bugle.

774
00:40:22,543 --> 00:40:25,865
Look at you three, spooning away.
It's quite sweet, actually.

775
00:40:25,865 --> 00:40:27,865
Aurelius, what are you doing here?

776
00:40:27,865 --> 00:40:29,865
Please say you're not still
following us.

777
00:40:29,865 --> 00:40:32,865
Well, I am, yes.
But officially this time.

778
00:40:32,865 --> 00:40:34,226
I'm a tracker,
and we're the tracking team.

779
00:40:34,226 --> 00:40:38,386
No, we're not. We're not a team,
and he's not a tracker in any way.

780
00:40:38,386 --> 00:40:41,866
But I am. And I'm here
to arrest you for desertion.

781
00:40:41,866 --> 00:40:44,867
You're to be taken back to camp
where you'll be crucified.

782
00:40:47,867 --> 00:40:49,387
Best go quietly now.

783
00:40:51,868 --> 00:40:54,868
Morning. Oh, what have I missed?

784
00:41:02,389 --> 00:41:06,870
I can't believe you're
getting us executed, you knob.

785
00:41:06,870 --> 00:41:07,911
I'm not a knob, actually,

786
00:41:07,911 --> 00:41:10,711
because I didn't know
that was the punishment.

787
00:41:10,711 --> 00:41:12,911
I thought it would just be
a ticking off or a light flogging.

788
00:41:12,911 --> 00:41:14,870
It still makes you a knob.
Yeah, a complete knob.

789
00:41:14,870 --> 00:41:16,071
Stop whining!

790
00:41:16,071 --> 00:41:17,872
If you don't want to die,
don't desert.

791
00:41:17,872 --> 00:41:19,873
It's as simple as that.
Great advice

792
00:41:19,873 --> 00:41:21,873
We'll bear that in mind
for next time, shall we?

793
00:41:21,873 --> 00:41:22,873
I didn't desert, by the way.

794
00:41:22,873 --> 00:41:24,873
I were forced into it
by my master here.

795
00:41:24,873 --> 00:41:28,873
Ha! OK, so as soon as there's
a price to pay, I'm in charge, am I?

796
00:41:28,873 --> 00:41:29,873
I were basically kidnapped.
Of course.

797
00:41:29,873 --> 00:41:31,874
And are you gonna
mention playing dead?

798
00:41:31,874 --> 00:41:34,716
Didn't force you into that, did I?
I fell asleep.

799
00:41:34,716 --> 00:41:36,875
It's not my fault them
barbarians wear such cosy clobber.

800
00:41:36,875 --> 00:41:42,875
Shut up, or I'm very happy to bring
the execution forward a few hours.

801
00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,916
'You Don't Love Me'
by Dawn Penn

802
00:41:44,916 --> 00:41:47,877
# No, no, no

803
00:41:49,877 --> 00:41:55,718
# You don't love me
And I know now

804
00:42:00,878 --> 00:42:04,879
# No, no, no

805
00:42:06,879 --> 00:42:13,722
# You don't love me
Yes, I know now. #

806
00:42:18,881 --> 00:42:20,882
So, it's grilled badger for lunch.

807
00:42:20,882 --> 00:42:23,562
What? Badger? I'm not eating that.
I'll have his, then.

808
00:42:23,562 --> 00:42:25,883
I'd eat a badger's tadger right now,
I'm so hungry.

809
00:42:25,883 --> 00:42:27,883
You're so weird.

810
00:42:27,883 --> 00:42:29,883
Wait, Aurelius!

811
00:42:29,883 --> 00:42:33,403
Relio. Relio Delio.
I'm not gonna help you escape.

812
00:42:33,403 --> 00:42:36,924
Please. We're gonna die.
We're all gonna die eventually.

813
00:42:36,924 --> 00:42:38,884
Don't be a dick. Just set us free.

814
00:42:38,884 --> 00:42:41,246
No way! I'll get in big troubs.

815
00:42:41,246 --> 00:42:43,885
Not if you come with us.
It'll be an adventure.

816
00:42:43,885 --> 00:42:45,885
The deserter dudes.
Best bros forever!

817
00:42:45,885 --> 00:42:49,405
Hm! We weren't exactly best bros
when I wanted to share your tent,

818
00:42:49,405 --> 00:42:50,885
as I recall.

819
00:42:50,885 --> 00:42:53,406
Well, yeah, but we couldn't
share with you

820
00:42:53,406 --> 00:42:54,928
cos what if we wanted
to bring girls back?

821
00:42:54,928 --> 00:42:56,887
I could have scooched over.
No!

822
00:42:56,887 --> 00:43:00,887
They wouldn't be interested in us
if you were there. Think about it.

823
00:43:00,887 --> 00:43:04,407
But the truth is, it's not easy
being mates with you, dude.

824
00:43:04,407 --> 00:43:07,889
Like, having this buff, brainy
legend around all the time,

825
00:43:07,889 --> 00:43:09,890
making us feel like losers.

826
00:43:09,890 --> 00:43:12,890
You can't blame us for wanting to
step out of your shadow sometimes.

827
00:43:12,890 --> 00:43:14,890
It's cold in there, right, guys?

828
00:43:14,890 --> 00:43:17,890
I mean... Completely.
..sure, whatever.

829
00:43:17,890 --> 00:43:20,891
God, you must think I'm such a fool,

830
00:43:20,891 --> 00:43:23,891
not seeing how insecure
I was making you feel.

831
00:43:23,891 --> 00:43:29,892
Maybe I am buff and brainy, sure,
but I'm also blind and a bad friend.

832
00:43:30,892 --> 00:43:34,893
Well, never again, guys.
You have my word. Best bros forever.

833
00:43:34,893 --> 00:43:37,734
Fuck me, what a bellend.

834
00:43:37,734 --> 00:43:40,093
Oh, can we do this after
we've had the badger?

835
00:43:40,093 --> 00:43:43,574
OK, shit! I think he's on to us.
What's going on over there?

836
00:43:43,574 --> 00:43:45,894
No, no, nothing. All good.

837
00:43:45,894 --> 00:43:46,895
Run!

838
00:43:48,895 --> 00:43:50,575
Shit!

839
00:44:17,900 --> 00:44:19,900
This way.

840
00:44:25,900 --> 00:44:27,581
Argh!

841
00:44:45,264 --> 00:44:46,903
Come on!

842
00:45:03,426 --> 00:45:04,907
Argh!

843
00:45:08,908 --> 00:45:10,108
Hey, hey!

844
00:45:20,269 --> 00:45:22,271
Argh! Fucking nettles!

845
00:45:22,271 --> 00:45:23,910
Argh!

846
00:45:34,752 --> 00:45:35,911
Argh! Oh!

847
00:45:39,912 --> 00:45:41,753
Shit!

848
00:45:42,912 --> 00:45:45,912
Come on, boys, don't be stupid now.

849
00:45:46,912 --> 00:45:48,913
Let's be stupid.

850
00:45:48,913 --> 00:45:51,913
No! Aaaargh!

851
00:45:54,915 --> 00:45:56,276
No!

852
00:45:56,276 --> 00:45:57,915
Stop!

853
00:45:57,915 --> 00:46:00,915
Aaaaargh!

854
00:46:06,916 --> 00:46:08,596
You won't get away!

855
00:46:08,596 --> 00:46:12,597
Wherever you run, wherever you hide,
no matter how long it takes,

856
00:46:12,597 --> 00:46:14,918
the shadow of justice
will haunt you until...

857
00:46:14,918 --> 00:46:16,918
Oh, fuck it, they've gone.

858
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:32,920
We lost him!

859
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:35,920
Ha! We bloody lost him,
the dickhead!

860
00:46:35,920 --> 00:46:37,920
And, weirdly,
I don't appear to be dead.

861
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:41,120
Bonus!
Ha!

862
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:44,963
Guys, I actually got hit.
Did you? Where?

863
00:46:46,602 --> 00:46:48,122
Whoa!

864
00:46:48,122 --> 00:46:50,923
What is it? Is it bad?
Not ideal!

865
00:46:50,923 --> 00:46:53,443
You've got an arrow in your arse!
Argh, argh, argh!

866
00:46:53,443 --> 00:46:55,924
Well, pull it out, then!
Oh, God, really?

867
00:46:55,924 --> 00:46:56,924
I mean, OK.

868
00:46:58,924 --> 00:47:01,925
Don't pick your nose, Grumio.
I'm hungry.

869
00:47:01,925 --> 00:47:02,925
Well, that's even worse.

870
00:47:02,925 --> 00:47:04,925
Aurelius,
where's the key to these chains?

871
00:47:04,925 --> 00:47:05,925
Maybe in my man bag,

872
00:47:05,925 --> 00:47:07,925
if it didn't fall out
in the kerfuffle.

873
00:47:09,926 --> 00:47:12,287
All right, here we go.
Brace yourself, yeah?

874
00:47:12,287 --> 00:47:14,967
OK, great. No keys.
But there is a soggy map.

875
00:47:14,967 --> 00:47:17,768
Is there?
OK, it's coming!

876
00:47:17,768 --> 00:47:18,927
It's coming!

877
00:47:18,927 --> 00:47:20,768
Ooh!

878
00:47:20,768 --> 00:47:22,928
Is it out, then?
Er...

879
00:47:22,928 --> 00:47:25,928
Yeah. Like, most of it.
Most of it? What do you mean?

880
00:47:25,928 --> 00:47:27,928
Argh! Argh!

881
00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:31,128
You just pulled out the shaft
and left the head inside my arse!

882
00:47:31,128 --> 00:47:33,929
Ooh-er. Ha!
It's not funny, actually!

883
00:47:33,929 --> 00:47:35,930
I won't get very far
with a skewered buttock.

884
00:47:35,930 --> 00:47:38,930
Luckily, you might not have to,
cos if this is that river,

885
00:47:38,930 --> 00:47:42,930
then we're only, like,
a day's walk from the Roman border.

886
00:47:42,930 --> 00:47:44,931
Ah, nice!
See, all rivers do lead south.

887
00:47:44,931 --> 00:47:47,931
On this occasion, yes, they do.
Right. Let's crack on.

888
00:47:47,931 --> 00:47:49,933
Ow, ow!
Rome, here we come.

889
00:47:49,933 --> 00:47:54,933
Oh, God! Erm, can we crack on
quite slowly, please?

890
00:47:57,453 --> 00:48:00,933
# The weather is sweet, yeah... #

891
00:48:02,934 --> 00:48:04,934
Ah! Ah!

892
00:48:06,935 --> 00:48:09,615
Ah! Oh!

893
00:48:09,615 --> 00:48:11,935
# To the rescue. #

894
00:48:14,935 --> 00:48:20,297
Oh, Jove, I can't feel my bum.
Could you feel it before?

895
00:48:20,297 --> 00:48:22,937
Erm, not sure, actually.

896
00:48:22,937 --> 00:48:25,937
Stop going on about your numb bum,
you drama queen. You're fine.

897
00:48:25,937 --> 00:48:28,937
Argh! No, no, no. Come on, mate,
we need to keep moving.

898
00:48:28,937 --> 00:48:31,938
I can't do it. I can't go on.
OK, cool.

899
00:48:31,938 --> 00:48:33,938
We'll leave him here,
cos he's dead weight, in't he?

900
00:48:33,938 --> 00:48:35,938
That is not an awful idea, actually.
What? No way!

901
00:48:35,938 --> 00:48:38,940
You can't leave me.
We're a team. The deserter dudes.

902
00:48:38,940 --> 00:48:40,940
Hey, I didn't desert, I fell asleep.

903
00:48:40,940 --> 00:48:41,940
Best bros forever, you said.

904
00:48:41,940 --> 00:48:43,941
Yeah, that's when we
needed your help.

905
00:48:43,941 --> 00:48:45,941
A fair amount's changed since then.

906
00:48:45,941 --> 00:48:49,461
You can't leave me here to be
feasted upon by bears and ants!

907
00:48:49,461 --> 00:48:51,941
He's got a point, hasn't he?
Cos we could always eat him.

908
00:48:51,941 --> 00:48:52,941
Do not eat me!

909
00:48:52,941 --> 00:48:54,942
For one thing, I'd be very tough,

910
00:48:54,942 --> 00:48:57,784
sinewy meat owing to my high
muscle-to-fat ratio.

911
00:48:57,784 --> 00:48:59,943
Look, why don't Grumio
and I go for help

912
00:48:59,943 --> 00:49:01,143
while you stay with Aurelius?

913
00:49:01,143 --> 00:49:04,943
Holy Jove,
why have you forsaken me?!

914
00:49:04,943 --> 00:49:08,943
Right. Or I go for help
and you two stay with him.

915
00:49:08,943 --> 00:49:10,985
I'm not staying here with that twat.
What are you talking about?

916
00:49:10,985 --> 00:49:13,786
Just coming up with a plan, bro!
OK, right.

917
00:49:13,786 --> 00:49:16,945
Let's do papyrus, scissors, stone,
and the loser has to stay.

918
00:49:16,945 --> 00:49:18,945
You don't need to play,
we come as a two.

919
00:49:18,945 --> 00:49:20,945
I'll play for us, then.
Scissors always wins.

920
00:49:20,945 --> 00:49:22,945
And that fundamental
misunderstanding of the game

921
00:49:22,945 --> 00:49:24,946
is exactly why
I'll be playing for us.

922
00:49:24,946 --> 00:49:26,946
I think I'm dying, guys.

923
00:49:26,946 --> 00:49:29,788
Right, here we go.
Papyrus, scissors, stone.

924
00:49:29,788 --> 00:49:33,947
Scissors! Ha! Bash, bash, bash.
Never listen to Grumio, you moron.

925
00:49:33,947 --> 00:49:37,149
Hang in there, Aurelius.
Jason will look after you. OK.

926
00:49:37,149 --> 00:49:40,949
Jason, will you sing to me,
please, bud?

927
00:49:40,949 --> 00:49:42,949
Don't be long, all right?

928
00:49:42,949 --> 00:49:44,950
Jason?
Yeah, I'm coming.

929
00:50:03,794 --> 00:50:05,953
I mean, can humans eat plants?

930
00:50:05,953 --> 00:50:07,953
What? Yeah, of course they can.

931
00:50:07,953 --> 00:50:09,314
Oh, fine then.

932
00:50:09,314 --> 00:50:12,953
Not any, plants.
I meant spinach, for example.

933
00:50:12,953 --> 00:50:13,953
You can't just eat that!

934
00:50:13,953 --> 00:50:16,954
The old nature,
you confusing bastard.

935
00:50:16,954 --> 00:50:18,955
Can we keep going, please,
and not get distracted?

936
00:50:18,955 --> 00:50:21,155
Shit! It's a chicken.

937
00:50:21,155 --> 00:50:23,475
What? Where?
There.

938
00:50:23,475 --> 00:50:24,955
Right, I'm having you, lad.

939
00:50:24,955 --> 00:50:27,955
And then what? We can't cook it.
I'll have it raw, then.

940
00:50:27,955 --> 00:50:29,956
I only joined the army
for the free chicken anyway.

941
00:50:29,956 --> 00:50:31,957
We're meant to be getting help.

942
00:50:31,957 --> 00:50:34,958
Do not come between me and
a chicken, Marcus, I am warning you.

943
00:50:36,958 --> 00:50:38,958
Oh, go on, then. Be quick.

944
00:50:39,958 --> 00:50:42,999
One quick grabaroo
and it is teatime-for-me-time.

945
00:50:44,959 --> 00:50:46,959
Make that two quick grabaroos.

946
00:50:54,960 --> 00:50:56,960
Right. Well, that's at least 30.

947
00:50:56,960 --> 00:50:59,961
Three more grabaroos
and we're giving up, OK?

948
00:50:59,961 --> 00:51:01,961
Fine, just don't rush me.

949
00:51:05,962 --> 00:51:07,962
One.

950
00:51:08,962 --> 00:51:10,962
Two.

951
00:51:10,962 --> 00:51:12,963
Last one, right?

952
00:51:12,963 --> 00:51:14,963
I know. Just shh!

953
00:51:14,963 --> 00:51:18,483
Come on, son. This is the one.

954
00:51:18,483 --> 00:51:19,963
Argh!

955
00:51:19,963 --> 00:51:21,804
Oh, yes!

956
00:51:22,964 --> 00:51:24,966
Ha-ha!
I've got it!

957
00:51:24,966 --> 00:51:25,966
Oh, by Jove, you did it!

958
00:51:25,966 --> 00:51:27,486
Yes! Ha!

959
00:51:27,486 --> 00:51:30,166
# I got the chicken
I got the chicken

960
00:51:30,166 --> 00:51:32,966
# I got the chicken
He got the chicken

961
00:51:32,966 --> 00:51:34,966
# I got... #

962
00:51:39,168 --> 00:51:40,968
He got the chicken.

963
00:51:50,648 --> 00:51:53,969
# How happy is the shepherd

964
00:51:53,969 --> 00:51:56,970
# Who settles down to sleep

965
00:51:56,970 --> 00:51:59,970
# Because he is so knackered

966
00:51:59,970 --> 00:52:01,970
# From fucking all the sheep... #

967
00:52:01,970 --> 00:52:03,970
What? No, no,
I don't want the rude version.

968
00:52:03,970 --> 00:52:04,970
I only know the rude version.

969
00:52:04,970 --> 00:52:08,971
That's not exactly gonna soothe me,
is it? Thinking about bestiality.

970
00:52:08,971 --> 00:52:10,012
How's my bum looking?

971
00:52:11,972 --> 00:52:13,813
Ah!

972
00:52:13,813 --> 00:52:16,972
OK, don't panic.
All right, it's probably nothing.

973
00:52:16,972 --> 00:52:18,973
But it's gone a bit green.
Green?!

974
00:52:18,973 --> 00:52:21,974
Yeah. How's that nothing?!
Bums shouldn't be green.

975
00:52:21,974 --> 00:52:23,974
Oh, it must be infected.
What did I say? Don't panic.

976
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:25,974
The boys will be back in a bit,
all right? Shushy bears.

977
00:52:25,974 --> 00:52:27,974
They won't! They've left us!

978
00:52:27,974 --> 00:52:29,975
We're all alone and green.

979
00:52:29,975 --> 00:52:32,017
# He wakes up in the morning... #

980
00:52:32,017 --> 00:52:33,976
Kiss me.
Whoa! What?

981
00:52:33,976 --> 00:52:35,976
Please kiss me.

982
00:52:35,976 --> 00:52:37,976
I just want to feel some human
tenderness before I die.

983
00:52:37,976 --> 00:52:40,337
No! Right, and not just
because I don't want to,

984
00:52:40,337 --> 00:52:41,976
but cos you are not gonna die.

985
00:52:41,976 --> 00:52:43,976
Right, no-one dies from green bums.
Of course they do!

986
00:52:43,976 --> 00:52:45,978
Bum rot. I've got bum rot.

987
00:52:45,978 --> 00:52:50,498
Look, tell my family
that they were proud of me.

988
00:52:50,498 --> 00:52:51,978
What?
Actually, no.

989
00:52:51,978 --> 00:52:53,819
Tell them to never
look under my bed.

990
00:52:53,819 --> 00:52:55,978
You tell them yourself
when you get back to Rome, OK?

991
00:52:55,978 --> 00:52:56,978
What's under your bed?

992
00:52:56,978 --> 00:52:59,979
Oh, you're a good bud, buddy,
but it's too late.

993
00:52:59,979 --> 00:53:02,660
I can feel death's
icy grip on my arse.

994
00:53:02,660 --> 00:53:05,980
No. No! No, you don't!

995
00:53:05,980 --> 00:53:09,980
Marcus! Grumio!
Come on. Where are you?!

996
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:14,982
Right, come on.

997
00:53:14,982 --> 00:53:18,024
Ooh, what are you doing?
Saving your fucking life, boy.

998
00:53:18,024 --> 00:53:19,983
Argh!

999
00:53:32,345 --> 00:53:35,985
Oi, you, Roman scum!

1000
00:53:35,985 --> 00:53:37,026
Jog on, you little shite.

1001
00:53:37,026 --> 00:53:38,985
At least don't make it
worse for ourselves.

1002
00:53:38,985 --> 00:53:40,986
Nah, it's just banter.

1003
00:53:40,986 --> 00:53:43,986
OK, that's fairly intense banter.

1004
00:53:52,988 --> 00:53:54,988
Argh! Just kill me.

1005
00:53:54,988 --> 00:53:56,988
Please, just put me
out of my misery.

1006
00:53:56,988 --> 00:53:59,668
I'd rather not, mate.
I'm not even sure I'd know how to.

1007
00:53:59,668 --> 00:54:01,988
Just push me off of something tall

1008
00:54:01,988 --> 00:54:03,988
or sit on my face
to block my airways.

1009
00:54:03,988 --> 00:54:05,988
Couldn't I just use my hands?

1010
00:54:07,990 --> 00:54:08,990
Yes, you could, actually.

1011
00:54:08,990 --> 00:54:11,352
I don't know why I suggested
the sitting method.

1012
00:54:11,352 --> 00:54:12,991
I think I must be delirious.

1013
00:54:12,991 --> 00:54:14,991
Ooh, argh!

1014
00:54:14,991 --> 00:54:16,991
Urgh!

1015
00:54:16,991 --> 00:54:19,992
I can hear my mother
calling me to dinner.

1016
00:54:19,992 --> 00:54:21,992
I'm coming, Mummy.

1017
00:54:21,992 --> 00:54:24,993
I can smell the wood
burning on the stove.

1018
00:54:24,993 --> 00:54:26,673
Hang on, so can I.

1019
00:54:27,993 --> 00:54:29,993
Look, there!

1020
00:54:29,993 --> 00:54:30,993
Huh?

1021
00:54:36,994 --> 00:54:39,995
Oh, oh! Get in!
Argh! We're saved!

1022
00:54:39,995 --> 00:54:43,836
Well, unless they're Roman-hating
savages who want to kill us.

1023
00:54:43,836 --> 00:54:46,036
Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that.

1024
00:54:46,036 --> 00:54:48,196
OK, you're on your own.

1025
00:54:48,196 --> 00:54:50,996
Argh!
Good luck.

1026
00:54:50,996 --> 00:54:52,837
Argh! You bastard!

1027
00:54:52,837 --> 00:54:53,996
Hello?
Argh!

1028
00:54:53,996 --> 00:54:56,997
Man. There is a man.

1029
00:54:56,997 --> 00:54:58,997
He needs help.

1030
00:54:58,997 --> 00:55:00,359
Ursula, fetch water.

1031
00:55:00,359 --> 00:55:02,998
Cleo, Amara, Xanthe,
help me take him inside.

1032
00:55:05,999 --> 00:55:07,999
Hi. Sorry,
there's actually two men.

1033
00:55:07,999 --> 00:55:09,999
I also need help.

1034
00:55:09,999 --> 00:55:12,520
Ha. Hi.

1035
00:55:17,001 --> 00:55:19,001
Hey! Come off it!

1036
00:55:20,001 --> 00:55:23,842
So, first of all, hello.

1037
00:55:23,842 --> 00:55:26,001
Or, as you might say, salve.

1038
00:55:26,001 --> 00:55:27,001
All right.
Hello.

1039
00:55:27,001 --> 00:55:29,003
My name is Segimundus.

1040
00:55:29,003 --> 00:55:33,003
I am spokesman
of the Carpi Council of Elders

1041
00:55:33,003 --> 00:55:36,003
and I presume from your uniforms
and proximity to our gates

1042
00:55:36,003 --> 00:55:41,004
that you are Roman spies sent out to
rescue your precious bird, no doubt.

1043
00:55:41,004 --> 00:55:42,365
My eagle!

1044
00:55:42,365 --> 00:55:44,004
Give me back me eagle at once!

1045
00:55:44,004 --> 00:55:46,005
And my chicken an' all,
while you're at it.

1046
00:55:46,005 --> 00:55:48,366
Grumio, don't. We couldn't
care less about the eagle.

1047
00:55:48,366 --> 00:55:50,525
We're not even Roman soldiers,
really.

1048
00:55:50,525 --> 00:55:52,005
No, so what is this, then?

1049
00:55:52,005 --> 00:55:54,006
Are you on your way
to a fancy dress party, perhaps?

1050
00:55:56,006 --> 00:55:57,006
Ha! No, no.

1051
00:55:57,006 --> 00:56:00,006
We were soldiers, obviously,
but we're not now, is my point.

1052
00:56:00,006 --> 00:56:02,008
We deserted, you see.
I didn't. I fell asleep.

1053
00:56:02,008 --> 00:56:05,008
Yeah, just let me do the talking.
We didn't want to join this war.

1054
00:56:05,008 --> 00:56:07,369
I did, to give your lot a spanking
for invading our empire.

1055
00:56:07,369 --> 00:56:08,529
Grumio, just shut up!

1056
00:56:08,529 --> 00:56:11,009
There was no invasion.
That was fake news.

1057
00:56:11,009 --> 00:56:13,009
A pretext for you
to steal our bauxite.

1058
00:56:13,009 --> 00:56:15,370
Bauxite? What the fuck is bauxite?

1059
00:56:15,370 --> 00:56:18,010
I think it's a naturally occurring,
I want to say, metal?

1060
00:56:18,010 --> 00:56:21,011
It is a sedimentary rock
with high aluminium content.

1061
00:56:21,011 --> 00:56:24,011
We have a number of large
and very valuable quarries

1062
00:56:24,011 --> 00:56:27,011
that you people have lusted
after for some time now.

1063
00:56:27,011 --> 00:56:29,011
That does make sense.
I always thought there was

1064
00:56:29,011 --> 00:56:31,011
some shady mercenary motive
behind all this.

1065
00:56:31,011 --> 00:56:33,691
Romans are far sneakier
than barbarians, in my opinion.

1066
00:56:33,691 --> 00:56:37,054
Ahem! Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
We do not like the term "barbarian".

1067
00:56:37,054 --> 00:56:41,013
It's a reductive label
which homogenises an array

1068
00:56:41,013 --> 00:56:44,013
of diverse communities
and their unique identities.

1069
00:56:44,013 --> 00:56:46,854
We call ourselves the Carpi tribe.

1070
00:56:46,854 --> 00:56:48,214
Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.

1071
00:56:48,214 --> 00:56:50,014
I'm so sorry for being
so insensitive.

1072
00:56:50,014 --> 00:56:52,856
Not at all. No, think of this
as a teachable moment.

1073
00:56:52,856 --> 00:56:55,696
I will. Cross-cultural exchange
is fundamental to progress.

1074
00:56:55,696 --> 00:56:58,016
We don't learn anything
if we live in a bubble. Indeed.

1075
00:56:58,016 --> 00:57:01,016
And so that we can share this
knowledge with our countrymen,

1076
00:57:01,016 --> 00:57:04,017
we'd love to be on our way.
Yes, I'm sure you would.

1077
00:57:04,017 --> 00:57:08,018
But there's also one little thing
you should learn about the Carpi.

1078
00:57:08,018 --> 00:57:10,018
It's what we do to our captives.

1079
00:57:10,018 --> 00:57:13,018
Oh, aye, yeah. What do you do?
Do you take them for a tour?

1080
00:57:13,018 --> 00:57:16,699
No, we disembowel them in honour
of our great god Zalmoxis.

1081
00:57:16,699 --> 00:57:18,019
Oh, shit.
Right.

1082
00:57:18,019 --> 00:57:20,019
The ceremony will take
place tomorrow evening

1083
00:57:20,019 --> 00:57:22,019
before the entire village.

1084
00:57:29,021 --> 00:57:31,021
Apparently, the arrow went very deep

1085
00:57:31,021 --> 00:57:33,021
because his bottom
is so soft and womanly.

1086
00:57:33,021 --> 00:57:36,701
Yeah, totally. Not like mine.
My buns are rock hard.

1087
00:57:36,701 --> 00:57:39,021
Arrow would have just pinged off,
probably.

1088
00:57:39,021 --> 00:57:42,023
He may stay until he recovers.
Cool.

1089
00:57:42,023 --> 00:57:44,023
All right. And what about...?
You may not. Yep.

1090
00:57:44,023 --> 00:57:47,023
Aside from emergencies,
there are no men in the village.

1091
00:57:47,023 --> 00:57:50,023
Oh, really? I didn't...
I didn't even notice that.

1092
00:57:50,023 --> 00:57:51,224
What's that about, then?

1093
00:57:51,224 --> 00:57:54,224
Our menfolk all left to fight
another tribe some years ago

1094
00:57:54,224 --> 00:57:56,066
and never returned.

1095
00:57:56,066 --> 00:58:00,026
No! That's... so sad.

1096
00:58:00,026 --> 00:58:03,546
HE GROANS
It was sad, but we adapted.

1097
00:58:03,546 --> 00:58:07,226
We trade spices with our neighbours.
We are skilled in combat.

1098
00:58:07,226 --> 00:58:11,027
We no longer need men.
Come on!

1099
00:58:11,027 --> 00:58:13,548
I'm sure you need a bloke
sometimes to, like, you know,

1100
00:58:13,548 --> 00:58:16,028
open a jar or, like,
get something from a higher shelf,

1101
00:58:16,028 --> 00:58:17,028
you know, like a jar,

1102
00:58:17,028 --> 00:58:19,028
or to put the shelf up
to put the jars on.

1103
00:58:19,028 --> 00:58:23,029
Amazingly, we handle all
jar-related tasks ourselves.

1104
00:58:23,029 --> 00:58:25,029
OK.

1105
00:58:25,029 --> 00:58:28,029
I guess it's another night
in the forest for me, then.

1106
00:58:28,029 --> 00:58:30,030
I hope the wolves
have had their tea.

1107
00:58:33,030 --> 00:58:36,031
We do have one other use for men.

1108
00:58:36,031 --> 00:58:37,031
Oh?

1109
00:58:37,031 --> 00:58:43,031
Occasionally,
we may keep one as a... concubine.

1110
00:58:43,031 --> 00:58:46,032
A what? Concubine?
What's that, like a hedgehog?

1111
00:58:46,032 --> 00:58:48,033
Not quite, no.

1112
00:58:50,034 --> 00:58:52,034
Ah! Ah!

1113
00:58:55,034 --> 00:58:57,234
I'm Jason, by the way.
Silence!

1114
00:58:57,234 --> 00:58:58,875
You have no name now.

1115
00:58:58,875 --> 00:59:01,034
You are here for sexual congress,
Roman, that's all!

1116
00:59:01,034 --> 00:59:03,077
OK, cool. I can do that.

1117
00:59:05,036 --> 00:59:08,036
Oh, that's better. Thank you.

1118
00:59:08,036 --> 00:59:10,036
Now tie them to the post, please,
Dromichaetes.

1119
00:59:10,036 --> 00:59:13,036
OK, great.
Just to be safe.

1120
00:59:13,036 --> 00:59:15,236
So that you don't... sneak off.

1121
00:59:15,236 --> 00:59:18,037
How is that? Not too tight, I hope.

1122
00:59:18,037 --> 00:59:21,038
No, no. You're grand.
It's a nice, soft rope, actually.

1123
00:59:21,038 --> 00:59:22,038
Yes, it's made from angora wool.

1124
00:59:22,038 --> 00:59:26,038
We Carpi are famous for our
civilised treatment of prisoners.

1125
00:59:26,038 --> 00:59:28,079
Yeah. You are disembowelling us.

1126
00:59:28,079 --> 00:59:30,039
Yes, before execution, I mean.

1127
00:59:30,039 --> 00:59:32,039
Yes, it's enshrined
in our constitution

1128
00:59:32,039 --> 00:59:34,039
that we offer our captives

1129
00:59:34,039 --> 00:59:37,040
a final meal of their choosing,
for example.

1130
00:59:37,040 --> 00:59:39,040
Oh, aye? How many courses?

1131
00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:42,041
One.
One? Call yourselves civilised?

1132
00:59:42,041 --> 00:59:45,042
May I take your order? Well, it
doesn't really matter, does it?

1133
00:59:45,042 --> 00:59:48,042
I'm not gonna get to digest it.
Just... give me an egg sandwich.

1134
00:59:48,042 --> 00:59:50,083
Is that on white, brown or seeded?

1135
00:59:50,083 --> 00:59:52,243
Brown's fine.

1136
00:59:53,243 --> 00:59:56,043
I'll take a lobster bisque.
Of course you will.

1137
00:59:56,043 --> 00:59:58,044
I'm going out in style, son.
Very well.

1138
00:59:58,044 --> 01:00:02,405
One egg sandwich on brown
and one lobster... bisque.

1139
01:00:05,044 --> 01:00:07,244
I'll speak to the chef,
and you prepare the altar.

1140
01:00:07,244 --> 01:00:12,087
Egg sandwich on brown bread
for your final meal?

1141
01:00:12,087 --> 01:00:14,046
When they open up them bowels,

1142
01:00:14,046 --> 01:00:16,046
they should be seeing
more than some shitty sandwich.

1143
01:00:16,046 --> 01:00:19,566
Unlike you, Grumio, I've got more
on my mind than just food right now.

1144
01:00:19,566 --> 01:00:21,087
In fact,
it was you chasing that chicken

1145
01:00:21,087 --> 01:00:24,047
that got us in this fucking mess.
You didn't have to come with me.

1146
01:00:24,047 --> 01:00:27,048
We were chained together!
You dragged me along,

1147
01:00:27,048 --> 01:00:29,248
which pretty much sums up
our entire relationship.

1148
01:00:29,248 --> 01:00:31,568
I know. You've been
holding me back for years.

1149
01:00:31,568 --> 01:00:34,048
What? Holding you back?!
It's not about you, Grumio.

1150
01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:36,089
You're MY slave.
Don't remind me!

1151
01:00:36,089 --> 01:00:38,411
I wish I weren't.
I'd have ditched you yonks ago.

1152
01:00:38,411 --> 01:00:41,892
And I wish my parents had left you
on that bloody hillside. Yeah?

1153
01:00:41,892 --> 01:00:43,051
You and me both!

1154
01:00:46,051 --> 01:00:48,051
Ordinarily,
I would storm off at this point,

1155
01:00:48,051 --> 01:00:51,052
but being as I can't,
I am going to sit down.

1156
01:01:00,053 --> 01:01:01,053
Aw...

1157
01:01:01,053 --> 01:01:03,053
Yeah! Roman scum!

1158
01:01:16,055 --> 01:01:18,056
Hi.
Hi.

1159
01:01:21,056 --> 01:01:23,056
Hi.

1160
01:01:24,576 --> 01:01:27,056
Hi!

1161
01:01:31,058 --> 01:01:33,059
Mm. Thank you.

1162
01:01:33,059 --> 01:01:35,059
Knock, knock.
How's the patient doing?

1163
01:01:35,059 --> 01:01:36,100
Much better, thank you.

1164
01:01:36,100 --> 01:01:39,420
Really? Are you sure?
You still look well peaky.

1165
01:01:39,420 --> 01:01:41,059
What?
No, I'm ready and raring, mate.

1166
01:01:41,059 --> 01:01:43,420
Nah, look, listen. You rest up
just a few more days, right?

1167
01:01:43,420 --> 01:01:45,060
Don't wanna risk
getting another green bum.

1168
01:01:45,060 --> 01:01:49,061
But we need to go and find Marcus
and Grumio. Our best bros, forever.

1169
01:01:49,061 --> 01:01:53,061
Mm, do we, though? I mean, they're
probably fine. They're handy guys.

1170
01:01:53,061 --> 01:01:56,061
You just don't wanna leave cos
we've found a tribe full of women.

1171
01:01:56,061 --> 01:01:58,423
But I...

1172
01:01:58,423 --> 01:02:00,062
Well, yes. Yeah.
Obviously.

1173
01:02:00,062 --> 01:02:03,063
But this is, like,
our dream situation.

1174
01:02:03,063 --> 01:02:05,063
Not really. None of them fancy me.
Oh, come on...

1175
01:02:05,063 --> 01:02:07,263
One of 'em will. A bit. Maybe.

1176
01:02:07,263 --> 01:02:09,063
There's, like, 50 of them.

1177
01:02:09,063 --> 01:02:10,104
That's not enough.

1178
01:02:10,104 --> 01:02:13,064
The odds are still
stacked against me. I need more.

1179
01:02:13,064 --> 01:02:15,064
What about the old one?
I've not met an old one.

1180
01:02:15,064 --> 01:02:17,064
That's cos
you've been cooped up in here.

1181
01:02:17,064 --> 01:02:18,425
You need to get out there,
make an effort.

1182
01:02:18,425 --> 01:02:20,065
You are the second hottest guy
in this village.

1183
01:02:20,065 --> 01:02:22,065
Work it.

1184
01:02:29,067 --> 01:02:31,067
Hello again.

1185
01:02:31,067 --> 01:02:35,067
So, I talked to the chef,
and, er, he can't get you lobster,

1186
01:02:35,067 --> 01:02:36,068
because it's Sunday,

1187
01:02:36,068 --> 01:02:40,069
and as we are in the heat of July,
he likes the seafood to be fresh.

1188
01:02:40,069 --> 01:02:42,069
As do I. I'm happy to wait.

1189
01:02:42,069 --> 01:02:44,069
Yes, but we are not, I'm afraid.

1190
01:02:44,069 --> 01:02:47,069
The sacrifice is this evening, so
you have to choose something else.

1191
01:02:47,069 --> 01:02:49,069
I've already chosen the bisque.

1192
01:02:49,069 --> 01:02:51,069
The chef does
an excellent confit duck.

1193
01:02:51,069 --> 01:02:53,071
Oh, I don't give a shit, mate.

1194
01:02:53,071 --> 01:02:56,071
My lobster bisque is enshrined
in your constitution, you said.

1195
01:02:56,071 --> 01:02:58,112
Or are you Carpi
not civilised after all?

1196
01:02:59,912 --> 01:03:02,071
Er, which Sunday in July is it,
out of interest?

1197
01:03:02,071 --> 01:03:04,071
It is the 21st. Why do you ask?

1198
01:03:04,071 --> 01:03:07,072
My birthday's the 22nd.
Ah. I'm, er...

1199
01:03:07,072 --> 01:03:08,272
gonna be 30 tomorrow.

1200
01:03:08,272 --> 01:03:10,073
Oh, many happy returns.
Thanks.

1201
01:03:10,073 --> 01:03:11,593
But I'm afraid you won't.

1202
01:03:11,593 --> 01:03:14,073
The chef has no problem
with your egg sandwich,

1203
01:03:14,073 --> 01:03:16,914
and you will still be sacrificed
this evening.

1204
01:03:16,914 --> 01:03:18,915
Come on, mate.
He'll have the bisque as well.

1205
01:03:18,915 --> 01:03:22,755
He's changed his mind, haven't you?
Yes, I have. Thank you.

1206
01:03:22,755 --> 01:03:26,076
On reflection, I'd also
like to go out in style.

1207
01:03:27,076 --> 01:03:29,076
Fine!

1208
01:03:29,076 --> 01:03:30,756
You have one more day.

1209
01:03:32,077 --> 01:03:36,918
Ha! Bloody hell,
I can't believe that worked.

1210
01:03:36,918 --> 01:03:39,077
Cheers, Grumio. I guess your
lifelong obsession with food

1211
01:03:39,077 --> 01:03:40,077
does have its uses after all.

1212
01:03:40,077 --> 01:03:43,078
Well, let's just try
and give you a birthday to remember.

1213
01:03:43,078 --> 01:03:44,758
Oh, incoming!
Hm? Argh!

1214
01:03:44,758 --> 01:03:47,079
Ha-ha! Missed me!

1215
01:03:47,079 --> 01:03:48,079
In your face, fuckhead.

1216
01:03:48,079 --> 01:03:51,079
You barbarian bastards!
Ha-ha!

1217
01:03:51,079 --> 01:03:53,079
Ha-ha!

1218
01:04:00,081 --> 01:04:02,081
Um...

1219
01:04:02,081 --> 01:04:06,081
Now that I've, er,
performed my duty, my lady,

1220
01:04:06,081 --> 01:04:09,922
do you want me to F off, as per,
or...?

1221
01:04:09,922 --> 01:04:11,081
No.
No?

1222
01:04:11,081 --> 01:04:14,083
You can stay this time, Jason.

1223
01:04:14,083 --> 01:04:15,924
I wish to hold you for a while.

1224
01:04:15,924 --> 01:04:19,084
What, like a cuddle?
No, nothing like a cuddle. Just...

1225
01:04:19,084 --> 01:04:21,084
a hold.
Oh, OK.

1226
01:04:21,084 --> 01:04:23,084
Got it.

1227
01:04:23,084 --> 01:04:25,084
Did you just call me Jason?
Yeah, I did. What of it?

1228
01:04:26,085 --> 01:04:29,285
You may call me Barbronelda,
if you wish.

1229
01:04:29,285 --> 01:04:32,086
OK, sure. Yeah.

1230
01:04:32,086 --> 01:04:34,086
Barbro...
It's a bit of a mouthful, innit?

1231
01:04:34,086 --> 01:04:36,447
It's beautiful, don't get me wrong,
but...

1232
01:04:36,447 --> 01:04:40,607
what if I shortened it to Barbie?
Or Babs?

1233
01:04:40,607 --> 01:04:42,087
No, not Barbie.
Mm.

1234
01:04:43,607 --> 01:04:46,087
But I don't hate Babs.

1235
01:04:46,087 --> 01:04:48,088
Give us a cuddle, then, Babs.

1236
01:04:48,088 --> 01:04:50,929
Hm!

1237
01:04:50,929 --> 01:04:52,449
Ahem.

1238
01:04:52,449 --> 01:04:55,089
Back in your corner, Roman!

1239
01:04:55,089 --> 01:04:56,089
Yes, boss.

1240
01:04:56,089 --> 01:05:00,089
News, my lady,
which may concern your concubine.

1241
01:05:00,089 --> 01:05:03,089
Whilst selling pepper to the Carpi,
we saw two Roman prisoners.

1242
01:05:04,090 --> 01:05:06,090
They're being prepared
for sacrifice.

1243
01:05:06,090 --> 01:05:08,091
What did they look like?

1244
01:05:08,091 --> 01:05:10,932
One had a big nose,

1245
01:05:10,932 --> 01:05:14,292
and the other resembled
a tiny button mushroom.

1246
01:05:20,935 --> 01:05:23,094
I actually play the bugle
and the lute,

1247
01:05:23,094 --> 01:05:26,094
so I'm highly skilled
with my fingers and my tongue,

1248
01:05:26,094 --> 01:05:28,094
if you know what I'm saying.

1249
01:05:28,094 --> 01:05:29,094
Aurelius!
You do?

1250
01:05:29,094 --> 01:05:32,094
I love the feathers, by the way...
Aurelius!

1251
01:05:32,094 --> 01:05:34,095
Come here.
Sorry, one second, babe. What?

1252
01:05:34,095 --> 01:05:36,096
Marcus and Grumio
have been taken prisoner.

1253
01:05:36,096 --> 01:05:37,296
Like, we need to bust a move.

1254
01:05:37,296 --> 01:05:40,096
I mean, do we, though?
What?

1255
01:05:40,096 --> 01:05:41,096
Well, they're handy guys.
And, you know,

1256
01:05:41,096 --> 01:05:43,457
you were right, actually.
My bum's still not 100%,

1257
01:05:43,457 --> 01:05:45,096
so I should probably just stay here.

1258
01:05:45,096 --> 01:05:48,097
Oh, you're getting some heat
off the old dear, are you?

1259
01:05:48,097 --> 01:05:51,097
Her name's Zena, and yes, I am.
Major heat.

1260
01:05:51,097 --> 01:05:52,097
I can't leave now.

1261
01:05:52,097 --> 01:05:55,098
But, mate, they'll be gutted, right?
And I don't just mean disappointed.

1262
01:05:55,098 --> 01:05:57,098
I mean, actually gutted.
Like, in the guts.

1263
01:05:57,098 --> 01:05:59,778
Come on, Aurelius, they need us.

1264
01:05:59,778 --> 01:06:02,099
Grr! Cock-blocking, again!

1265
01:06:03,099 --> 01:06:05,099
Fine. She'd only have humped me
and dumped me.

1266
01:06:05,099 --> 01:06:08,100
Yeah, definitely.
Right, come on, let's get tooled up.

1267
01:06:35,945 --> 01:06:37,104
Oh, mate, the beard's got to go.

1268
01:06:37,104 --> 01:06:39,304
No can do, bro.
It's the source of my strength.

1269
01:06:39,304 --> 01:06:40,785
Our secret weapon.

1270
01:06:40,785 --> 01:06:43,106
All right. Well, in that case,
keep it a secret,

1271
01:06:43,106 --> 01:06:44,626
all right?
All right.

1272
01:06:46,106 --> 01:06:47,106
Good luck, Roman.

1273
01:06:47,106 --> 01:06:49,106
Oh, thank you.

1274
01:06:49,106 --> 01:06:53,106
And, like, thanks for having me.
In every sense.

1275
01:06:54,107 --> 01:06:56,107
I'll miss you, Babs.

1276
01:06:56,107 --> 01:06:58,107
As will I.

1277
01:06:58,107 --> 01:07:03,109
Your enthusiasm for the work
was... admirable.

1278
01:07:03,109 --> 01:07:05,109
Well, look, it was my pleasure.

1279
01:07:05,109 --> 01:07:08,110
It was the best job I've ever had,
honestly.

1280
01:07:15,111 --> 01:07:16,152
Take care, now.

1281
01:07:16,152 --> 01:07:18,111
OK, yeah.

1282
01:07:20,111 --> 01:07:21,112
Bye, then.

1283
01:07:34,634 --> 01:07:39,114
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you

1284
01:07:39,114 --> 01:07:42,314
# Happy birthday, Marcu-u-u-u-s

1285
01:07:42,314 --> 01:07:44,114
# Happy birthday. #
Indeed.

1286
01:07:44,114 --> 01:07:46,114
Happy birthday to you,

1287
01:07:46,114 --> 01:07:50,116
and also,
happy death day to you both.

1288
01:07:50,116 --> 01:07:51,636
Ah, ah, ah -

1289
01:07:51,636 --> 01:07:53,116
hang on, mate.

1290
01:07:53,116 --> 01:07:56,116
Where's the tarragon? You can't
have a bisque without tarragon.

1291
01:07:56,116 --> 01:07:58,637
That is savage. He is right.
You'll have to kill us tomorrow.

1292
01:07:58,637 --> 01:08:04,119
No! No tarragon, no more stalling.
You eat, then you die.

1293
01:08:06,319 --> 01:08:08,119
Oh, oh...

1294
01:08:08,119 --> 01:08:12,119
tarragon or not,
this chef has played a blinder. Mmm!

1295
01:08:14,480 --> 01:08:16,120
We should probably eat a bit slower,
though.

1296
01:08:16,120 --> 01:08:18,801
The sooner we finish,
the sooner we die, remember?

1297
01:08:18,801 --> 01:08:22,121
I'll try, Marcus,
but it's so bloody tasty.

1298
01:08:27,121 --> 01:08:30,323
You know, even though
we are being executed later,

1299
01:08:30,323 --> 01:08:32,122
I've had way worse birthdays
than this.

1300
01:08:32,122 --> 01:08:35,323
Tell me about it. Remember when your
parents got you that creepy clown?

1301
01:08:35,323 --> 01:08:38,123
How could I not?
I sat on his lap for three hours.

1302
01:08:38,123 --> 01:08:40,123
GRUMIO LAUGHS

1303
01:08:40,123 --> 01:08:42,124
Grumio, please slow down.

1304
01:08:42,124 --> 01:08:45,124
Oh, fuck me, this is torture!

1305
01:08:57,127 --> 01:08:58,328
Stop!

1306
01:09:04,127 --> 01:09:07,127
Hi. Hi.
Can we come in, please?

1307
01:09:09,128 --> 01:09:10,330
What's in the cart?

1308
01:09:10,330 --> 01:09:13,969
Oh, just a bit of pepper, handsome.

1309
01:09:13,969 --> 01:09:17,129
We could all use some spice
in our lives, eh?

1310
01:09:24,130 --> 01:09:26,812
OK, you can go in.

1311
01:09:26,812 --> 01:09:30,131
Where the fuck did that come from?
I don't know. I have no idea.

1312
01:09:40,333 --> 01:09:43,133
Wh-Whoa, hang on.
You can't just leave it like that.

1313
01:09:43,133 --> 01:09:45,133
That's terrible parking.
Mate, we're women.

1314
01:09:45,133 --> 01:09:47,133
Think about it.
Oh, yes. Clever.

1315
01:09:47,133 --> 01:09:49,495
I mean, deeply sexist, but still...

1316
01:09:49,495 --> 01:09:52,816
OK, right, we'll have a nosy round,
find out where they're holding them,

1317
01:09:52,816 --> 01:09:56,135
and then we'll come back
for the blades.

1318
01:09:56,135 --> 01:09:57,975
Stop!

1319
01:09:59,976 --> 01:10:01,136
I want to buy some pepper.

1320
01:10:01,136 --> 01:10:04,137
Oh! Yeah, course.

1321
01:10:04,137 --> 01:10:06,497
Yeah, so, how much for one sack,
please?

1322
01:10:06,497 --> 01:10:09,137
Erm, well,
how much do you usually pay?

1323
01:10:09,137 --> 01:10:12,137
Oh, sometimes six gulden.
You know, sometimes seven.

1324
01:10:12,137 --> 01:10:14,137
Six gulden is fine.
Ah, great.

1325
01:10:14,137 --> 01:10:17,499
Oh... Can you girls break a 20?

1326
01:10:17,499 --> 01:10:20,139
Er, I'll tell you what,
you can have it for free.

1327
01:10:20,139 --> 01:10:22,139
We're doing a little promotion.
No, really? Yes.

1328
01:10:22,139 --> 01:10:24,180
Thank you. Generous and beautiful.

1329
01:10:24,180 --> 01:10:26,139
What next?
Stop it!

1330
01:10:26,139 --> 01:10:29,139
Charmer. Oh, no, no, no.
Come here, I'll help.

1331
01:10:29,139 --> 01:10:31,140
I can't... No, I can't have a lady
hauling a heavy sack for me.

1332
01:10:31,140 --> 01:10:33,141
It's fine. You're quite old.

1333
01:10:33,141 --> 01:10:35,141
No, no. Really, I insist.
Mate, let go!

1334
01:10:39,141 --> 01:10:41,141
Why is your cart full of swords?

1335
01:10:42,141 --> 01:10:44,143
Oh! Guards!

1336
01:10:44,143 --> 01:10:46,143
Guards!
Aurelius, we're on!

1337
01:10:46,143 --> 01:10:49,144
Ah... Hang on a sec,
I need to sneeze...

1338
01:10:49,144 --> 01:10:53,144
Ah, forget it.

1339
01:10:53,144 --> 01:10:56,144
Hey, mate, have you got any bread
to mop up the dregs?

1340
01:10:56,144 --> 01:10:59,186
No. Your meal is over
and you will now be sacrificed,

1341
01:10:59,186 --> 01:11:01,145
along with these two.

1342
01:11:01,145 --> 01:11:02,826
Oh, God, really?
All right, boys?

1343
01:11:02,826 --> 01:11:06,146
All right, Jase? It's not so bad.
You get to choose your last meal.

1344
01:11:06,146 --> 01:11:09,146
No, no. That rule was removed
from our constitution.

1345
01:11:09,146 --> 01:11:11,147
It was, sadly, open to abuse.

1346
01:11:16,147 --> 01:11:18,667
What are you doing here?
And like that?

1347
01:11:18,667 --> 01:11:21,829
Well, we came to save you,
didn't we? Ah, wicked. Cheers!

1348
01:11:21,829 --> 01:11:23,148
Yes. I mean, we failed, obviously.

1349
01:11:23,148 --> 01:11:25,149
Well, it's the thought that counts,
in't it?

1350
01:11:25,149 --> 01:11:27,149
Hey, it's his 30th birthday,
by the way.

1351
01:11:27,149 --> 01:11:29,149
Oh, sweet! Well, happy birthday.

1352
01:11:29,149 --> 01:11:31,149
Yeah, cheers.
Glad you could make it.

1353
01:11:31,149 --> 01:11:34,149
# Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you

1354
01:11:34,149 --> 01:11:36,149
# Happy birthday to you. #

1355
01:12:00,154 --> 01:12:03,154
All right! He did it!

1356
01:12:03,154 --> 01:12:06,155
Mighty Zalmoxis,

1357
01:12:06,155 --> 01:12:09,155
we humbly offer you
this sacrifice today.

1358
01:12:09,155 --> 01:12:11,996
Yeah!

1359
01:12:11,996 --> 01:12:14,156
Which of you would like to go first?

1360
01:12:14,156 --> 01:12:15,156
Oh, bloody hell.

1361
01:12:15,156 --> 01:12:17,156
I don't much fancy
seeing your lot's innards,

1362
01:12:17,156 --> 01:12:19,157
but I don't wanna cop it first,
neither.

1363
01:12:19,157 --> 01:12:21,157
Yeah, sort of lose-lose, really,
innit?

1364
01:12:21,157 --> 01:12:23,157
I'll do it. I'll go first.
I'm the oldest.

1365
01:12:23,157 --> 01:12:26,157
You're not, actually. I am. I'm 39.

1366
01:12:26,157 --> 01:12:27,158
What? You're 39?
Are you?!

1367
01:12:27,158 --> 01:12:30,158
Yeah. Why you hanging round with us,
then, you creepy old nonce?

1368
01:12:30,158 --> 01:12:32,159
I didn't realise
you were a fucking adult.

1369
01:12:32,159 --> 01:12:34,159
Yeah, because I look late 20s, max.
Thank you very much.

1370
01:12:34,159 --> 01:12:35,520
Compliment taken.
Come on.

1371
01:12:35,520 --> 01:12:39,160
It does not matter who goes first.
You are all going to die.

1372
01:12:39,160 --> 01:12:41,160
Shit! OK, er...

1373
01:12:41,160 --> 01:12:45,162
I guess, bye, then.
See you in the afterlife, ideally.

1374
01:12:45,162 --> 01:12:49,162
And with this heretic Roman's
entrails...

1375
01:12:51,162 --> 01:12:53,162
..we honour thee!

1376
01:12:57,522 --> 01:12:59,163
Babs?!
Who?

1377
01:13:01,164 --> 01:13:03,164
We are under attack!

1378
01:13:04,845 --> 01:13:06,205
Argh!

1379
01:13:06,205 --> 01:13:08,164
Men to arms!

1380
01:13:11,165 --> 01:13:13,165
Argh!

1381
01:13:13,165 --> 01:13:15,165
BELL RINGING

1382
01:13:20,166 --> 01:13:22,166
Here y'are!

1383
01:13:24,207 --> 01:13:26,167
What...?
Oh, her name's Barbronelda.

1384
01:13:26,167 --> 01:13:28,527
Yeah, we've been hooking up
the last couple of days.

1385
01:13:28,527 --> 01:13:31,168
Sorry, so while we were held
prisoner, you've been busy humping?

1386
01:13:31,168 --> 01:13:33,370
Yeah, well, I was a prisoner too.
But just, like, a sex one.

1387
01:13:33,370 --> 01:13:35,169
Course you were.
Nice one, son!

1388
01:13:35,169 --> 01:13:38,170
I know! This whole time, I thought
I wanted to get some booty,

1389
01:13:38,170 --> 01:13:40,170
when actually,
I wanna be the booty.

1390
01:13:40,170 --> 01:13:42,170
Wow. How profound

1391
01:13:42,170 --> 01:13:44,851
Guys, can we discuss this later,
please?

1392
01:13:44,851 --> 01:13:46,170
Kill the Romans!

1393
01:13:46,170 --> 01:13:49,011
Kill them!
Oh, shit!

1394
01:13:50,171 --> 01:13:53,012
Argh!

1395
01:13:53,012 --> 01:13:54,172
Oh, shit!

1396
01:13:54,172 --> 01:13:56,172
Fucking war!

1397
01:14:08,174 --> 01:14:10,174
Babs!
Jason!

1398
01:14:10,174 --> 01:14:11,174
Thanks for coming to save me.

1399
01:14:11,174 --> 01:14:16,174
If anyone's gonna disembowel
my concubine, it's going to be me.

1400
01:14:16,174 --> 01:14:18,174
Stay at my rear.
Always.

1401
01:14:27,177 --> 01:14:29,177
Thank you. Don't mind if I do.

1402
01:14:36,219 --> 01:14:38,179
Argh!

1403
01:14:38,179 --> 01:14:39,220
Yes, Aurelius!

1404
01:14:39,220 --> 01:14:41,179
Ow! No, ow!

1405
01:14:42,179 --> 01:14:44,179
Argh!

1406
01:14:44,179 --> 01:14:47,180
Grumio, what are you doing?!

1407
01:14:47,180 --> 01:14:49,180
Don't stop now!
I want my bloody eagle. Why?!

1408
01:14:49,180 --> 01:14:52,180
It's just a lump of metal. Yeah,
that them bastards nicked off me.

1409
01:14:52,180 --> 01:14:54,180
I'll 'ave it back
with a quick grabaroo.

1410
01:14:54,180 --> 01:14:55,181
No. No more grabaroos!

1411
01:14:55,181 --> 01:14:57,382
Hey, you do you, soft lad.
I'm going in.

1412
01:14:57,382 --> 01:14:59,182
What? Please, Grumio!

1413
01:14:59,182 --> 01:15:02,182
It's not worth it!
Just obey me, for once in your life!

1414
01:15:04,182 --> 01:15:09,182
Well, I'm going, Grumio.
I'll see you outside, OK?

1415
01:15:09,182 --> 01:15:11,183
Come on, let's get out of here.
What?

1416
01:15:14,184 --> 01:15:17,184
Stop! Hand that over at once.

1417
01:15:17,184 --> 01:15:20,185
Get to fuck, mate.
That eagle is a beacon of hope

1418
01:15:20,185 --> 01:15:23,185
for all of us who refuse
to bow down to Roman oppression.

1419
01:15:23,185 --> 01:15:24,866
It's mine, is what it is.

1420
01:15:24,866 --> 01:15:26,186
YELLING

1421
01:15:29,187 --> 01:15:30,707
Fuck.

1422
01:15:30,707 --> 01:15:32,388
Get back, or I'll bloody beat you!

1423
01:15:35,187 --> 01:15:37,228
Oh, my nose!

1424
01:16:01,711 --> 01:16:03,191
What...?

1425
01:16:03,191 --> 01:16:04,191
Stab, don't swipe!

1426
01:16:04,191 --> 01:16:06,192
Oh, yeah.

1427
01:16:06,192 --> 01:16:10,192
Argh!

1428
01:16:24,035 --> 01:16:25,195
Can we go now?

1429
01:16:25,195 --> 01:16:27,195
Yes, please.

1430
01:16:42,197 --> 01:16:45,398
Oh, not the bisque.

1431
01:16:45,398 --> 01:16:48,198
What a waste.
Argh!

1432
01:16:48,198 --> 01:16:50,199
I can't believe it's happened again.

1433
01:16:50,199 --> 01:16:52,199
I know. It's like you're trying
to get shot in the arse.

1434
01:16:52,199 --> 01:16:54,199
I've got three holes back there now.

1435
01:16:54,199 --> 01:16:56,199
You could pick me up
like a bowling ball.

1436
01:16:56,199 --> 01:16:57,559
Well, d'you want me to yank it out?

1437
01:16:57,559 --> 01:17:00,200
No, no!
Can you ask her to do it, please?

1438
01:17:00,200 --> 01:17:03,200
I don't want another
green bum situation, thank you.

1439
01:17:04,200 --> 01:17:08,201
So, now you're no longer
honouring the mighty Zalmoxis

1440
01:17:08,201 --> 01:17:10,201
with your entrails,
what are your plans for the day?

1441
01:17:10,201 --> 01:17:13,723
Er... I guess we need
to get back to Rome.

1442
01:17:13,723 --> 01:17:16,723
But despite popular wisdom,
very few roads seem to lead there.

1443
01:17:16,723 --> 01:17:19,203
Ow, God, that stings!

1444
01:17:19,203 --> 01:17:20,203
Don't be a baby.

1445
01:17:20,203 --> 01:17:23,405
You know, your evil empire is
stationed about half a day that way.

1446
01:17:23,405 --> 01:17:26,204
Hitch a ride with them.
Yeah, that's the thing.

1447
01:17:26,204 --> 01:17:30,205
We're not exactly that popular
with our evil empire.

1448
01:17:30,205 --> 01:17:32,045
Yet.

1449
01:17:55,209 --> 01:17:57,209
Found the eagle. No big deal, lads.

1450
01:17:57,209 --> 01:17:59,049
Just bringing it home to Rome.

1451
01:18:00,209 --> 01:18:02,209
Well done, boys.

1452
01:18:05,209 --> 01:18:08,211
Let us through, fellas.
Respect the eagle, please.

1453
01:18:08,211 --> 01:18:10,252
You? YOU found the eagle?

1454
01:18:10,252 --> 01:18:14,212
Yeah. Ah... You can buy me a drink
later to say thanks.

1455
01:18:14,212 --> 01:18:16,212
Yeah! Well done, boys!

1456
01:18:22,213 --> 01:18:24,213
Jove be praised.

1457
01:18:24,213 --> 01:18:26,254
Where on earth was it?
The Carpi tribe had taken it, sir.

1458
01:18:26,254 --> 01:18:29,214
Just say barbarians. I can't keep up
with all the weird names.

1459
01:18:29,214 --> 01:18:31,574
We snuck in, we duffed 'em up
and we grabbed our big bird there.

1460
01:18:31,574 --> 01:18:34,575
Marvellous. Well, jolly good work.
I'm absolutely thrilled about this.

1461
01:18:34,575 --> 01:18:36,215
You're welcome.
Yes.

1462
01:18:36,215 --> 01:18:37,215
You shall now be executed.

1463
01:18:37,215 --> 01:18:39,215
Not again!
What?!

1464
01:18:39,215 --> 01:18:41,416
You're deserters.
Ergo, you must be crucified.

1465
01:18:41,416 --> 01:18:43,215
I mean, I guess
that beats disembowelment.

1466
01:18:43,215 --> 01:18:46,216
Barely. Come on,
we got the bastard eagle back.

1467
01:18:46,216 --> 01:18:48,217
Yeah, you should be giving us
a medal, if anything.

1468
01:18:48,217 --> 01:18:50,217
Also, I'm not sure I've forgiven you

1469
01:18:50,217 --> 01:18:52,217
for clicking my neck.
Oh, look, mate...

1470
01:18:52,217 --> 01:18:54,217
"Mate"?
General, sir.

1471
01:18:54,217 --> 01:18:55,217
We know that there was no invasion

1472
01:18:55,217 --> 01:18:59,217
and this war was waged entirely
to get hold of more bauxite.

1473
01:18:59,217 --> 01:19:01,219
Did you know about that?
About the bauxite?

1474
01:19:01,219 --> 01:19:02,901
Yes, of course.
Did you?

1475
01:19:02,901 --> 01:19:05,220
Well,
maybe the Roman people should too.

1476
01:19:05,220 --> 01:19:07,220
Oh, the plebs in Rome
don't care why wars are waged,

1477
01:19:07,220 --> 01:19:09,261
as long as we win them
and bring home some funny animals.

1478
01:19:09,261 --> 01:19:12,740
That is true. So let's erect the
crucifixes and get this over with.

1479
01:19:12,740 --> 01:19:14,421
Oh, sorry, sir, I meant to say.

1480
01:19:14,421 --> 01:19:18,222
The crosses have all been dismantled
and packed onto the wagons.

1481
01:19:18,222 --> 01:19:21,222
All right, fine. You're free to go.
But I'm discharging the lot of you

1482
01:19:21,222 --> 01:19:22,222
the minute we arrive in Rome,

1483
01:19:22,222 --> 01:19:24,903
and you must promise never
to set foot in the army again.

1484
01:19:24,903 --> 01:19:26,222
Yeah, deal.
Yeah.

1485
01:19:26,222 --> 01:19:29,223
Hang on.
Were there not four deserters?

1486
01:19:29,223 --> 01:19:31,223
There were, sir.
Ergo, one is missing.

1487
01:19:31,223 --> 01:19:33,223
Yes, sir.

1488
01:19:33,223 --> 01:19:37,224
Jason Brindisi.
He died liberating the eagle.

1489
01:19:37,224 --> 01:19:41,224
Oh. Well, that's one less
mouth to feed on our journey home.

1490
01:19:41,224 --> 01:19:44,225
But also very sad.

1491
01:19:49,225 --> 01:19:52,427
Hiya. Yep.

1492
01:19:52,427 --> 01:19:54,226
Hello.

1493
01:19:57,228 --> 01:19:59,228
We had a good war, on balance.

1494
01:19:59,228 --> 01:20:02,228
Well, it was terrifying and horrible

1495
01:20:02,228 --> 01:20:05,228
and waged purely to further
the economic interest of the state,

1496
01:20:05,228 --> 01:20:06,910
but, yeah, you know, we didn't die.

1497
01:20:06,910 --> 01:20:08,229
Like I say, on balance.

1498
01:20:08,229 --> 01:20:10,230
Salve, Grumio.

1499
01:20:10,230 --> 01:20:12,230
All right, Landlord?

1500
01:20:12,230 --> 01:20:15,230
Hey, hey, hey, now we're veterans,
we'll probs get our old flat back.

1501
01:20:15,230 --> 01:20:19,230
Bagsy Jason's old room,
if that's cool with you guys?

1502
01:20:20,230 --> 01:20:22,231
Yeah, all right. You're in.

1503
01:20:22,231 --> 01:20:23,592
Yes! I'm in!

1504
01:20:23,592 --> 01:20:26,232
I'm finally in!

1505
01:20:26,232 --> 01:20:27,232
Whoo!

1506
01:20:28,913 --> 01:20:31,232
Yeah, so sorry to keep you again.

1507
01:20:31,232 --> 01:20:34,232
Believe it or not, we got caught
in another military parade.

1508
01:20:34,232 --> 01:20:35,433
You're over three months late.

1509
01:20:35,433 --> 01:20:37,233
And in a military campaign.
Yeah.

1510
01:20:37,233 --> 01:20:38,593
Right. OK.

1511
01:20:38,593 --> 01:20:42,234
Well, in the interim,
your slave licence has been approved

1512
01:20:42,234 --> 01:20:43,234
and is now ready to sign.

1513
01:20:43,234 --> 01:20:45,234
Go on, then.

1514
01:20:46,234 --> 01:20:48,234
Do you have a manumission form,
in fact?

1515
01:20:48,234 --> 01:20:51,236
Why?
Do you want that one instead now?

1516
01:20:51,236 --> 01:20:52,236
I do, yeah.

1517
01:20:52,236 --> 01:20:54,236
Thanks.

1518
01:20:56,077 --> 01:20:58,237
What's this green one, then?
It's manumission.

1519
01:20:58,237 --> 01:21:00,237
As in, freedom.

1520
01:21:01,757 --> 01:21:03,238
You are no longer a slave.

1521
01:21:03,238 --> 01:21:05,238
You what?

1522
01:21:05,238 --> 01:21:08,238
Are you yanking my chain?
You're freeing me?

1523
01:21:08,238 --> 01:21:10,238
Yeah.

1524
01:21:10,238 --> 01:21:14,239
Well, all this licence business
is such a bloody faff, isn't it?

1525
01:21:16,240 --> 01:21:18,441
And also, when that barbarian
was about to cut you in half

1526
01:21:18,441 --> 01:21:21,240
and I was home free,

1527
01:21:21,240 --> 01:21:23,240
I wasn't coming back for my slave,
I was..

1528
01:21:25,240 --> 01:21:27,240
..coming back for my brother.

1529
01:21:30,082 --> 01:21:34,242
My selfish, lazy,
greedy scrotum of a brother.

1530
01:21:47,245 --> 01:21:51,245
There is a queue, you realise?
Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

1531
01:21:53,245 --> 01:21:54,245
Now you are a free man,

1532
01:21:54,245 --> 01:21:56,245
you can obviously fuck off
and never see me again.

1533
01:21:56,245 --> 01:21:58,246
Mm-hm. I mean,
it's nice to have the option,

1534
01:21:58,246 --> 01:22:01,247
but I reckon
I'll stick around for a bit.

1535
01:22:01,247 --> 01:22:04,247
So... What shall we do now, then?

1536
01:22:04,247 --> 01:22:06,247
Well, now that I'm 30,

1537
01:22:06,247 --> 01:22:08,247
I should probably
focus on settling down,

1538
01:22:08,247 --> 01:22:11,248
starting a career, get a mortgage,
that sort of thing.

1539
01:22:11,248 --> 01:22:14,289
Right, cos I were gonna suggest
getting some free chicken.

1540
01:22:14,289 --> 01:22:17,248
Yeah, that's much better.
All right. Come on.

1541
01:22:17,248 --> 01:22:21,249
# I can see clearly
Now the rain is gone... #

1542
01:22:21,249 --> 01:22:24,250
..great big numbers, like,
massive, massive chickens. Oh, yeah?

1543
01:22:24,250 --> 01:22:25,250
Erm, Greece, it was.

1544
01:22:25,250 --> 01:22:28,770
And there were all these different
condiments...

1545
01:22:28,770 --> 01:22:32,250
# I can see all obstacles
In my way... #

1546
01:22:32,250 --> 01:22:34,932
Spicy, spicy. Get me so excited...

1547
01:22:34,932 --> 01:22:40,252
# Gone are the dark clouds
That had me blind

1548
01:22:40,252 --> 01:22:43,253
# It's gonna be a bright
Bright

1549
01:22:43,253 --> 01:22:47,253
# Bright Bright
Sunshiny day

1550
01:22:50,254 --> 01:22:56,255
# I think I can make it
Now the pain is gone

1551
01:22:58,255 --> 01:23:03,615
# All of the bad feelings
Have disappeared

1552
01:23:05,457 --> 01:23:08,777
# Here is that rainbow
I've been praying for... #

1553
01:23:08,777 --> 01:23:12,257
Yes!

1554
01:23:12,257 --> 01:23:14,257
# It's gonna be a bright
Bright

1555
01:23:14,257 --> 01:23:18,258
# Bright Bright
Sunshiny day

1556
01:23:21,098 --> 01:23:27,259
# Look all around
There's nothing but blue skies

1557
01:23:27,259 --> 01:23:33,301
# Look straight ahead
There's nothing but blue skies

1558
01:23:40,262 --> 01:23:46,263
# I can see clearly
Now the rain is gone

1559
01:23:47,263 --> 01:23:52,304
# I can see all obstacles in my way

1560
01:23:55,263 --> 01:24:01,265
# Gone are the dark clouds
That had me blind

1561
01:24:01,265 --> 01:24:04,265
# It's gonna be a bright
Bright

1562
01:24:04,265 --> 01:24:07,785
# Bright Bright
Sunshiny day. #