1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,008
‎（福圖費斯特）

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,759
‎NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

5
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:17,350
‎請掌聲歡迎福圖費斯特

6
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,939
‎天啊

7
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,339
‎天啊

8
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,550
‎別這樣

9
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,928
‎別這樣

10
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:59,100
‎芝加哥，你們好嗎？

11
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,812
‎天啊

12
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:09,944
‎謝謝各位來到
‎美麗的芝加哥莎士比亞劇院

13
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,868
‎過去兩年發生了很多事，對吧？

14
00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:19,704
‎全世界都面對了一些瘋狂的事

15
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,331
‎感覺就像是末日

16
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:24,334
‎我以為女同志很適合面對這種情況

17
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,797
‎我們只要有火腿罐頭和地堡就可以了

18
00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:34,302
‎但情況變得很惡劣
‎讓我對自己了解更徹底了

19
00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:38,640
‎我發現我完全沒有生存能力

20
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:40,016
‎一點都沒有

21
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,435
‎我只要待在家裡就好

22
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,270
‎我什麼都沒做到

23
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,774
‎沒有在家做麵包

24
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,445
‎沒有學怎麼做冷萃咖啡，什麼都沒學

25
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,656
‎但我的伴侶賈克斯讓我很驚訝

26
00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:57,283
‎她在外面漆我們家的圍欄

27
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,577
‎重新牽了電線

28
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:01,871
‎修好水電

29
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,915
‎我每晚都躺在沙發上

30
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:07,001
‎看老人談戀愛的紀錄片

31
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,422
‎穿著雪靴看到哭

32
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,135
‎我發現了

33
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,678
‎我沒有男子氣概

34
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:19,264
‎對

35
00:02:22,725 --> 00:02:26,062
‎我沒有男子氣概，我知道這令人震驚

36
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:29,899
‎因為我的肩膀很寬
‎而且我最愛的顏色是格紋

37
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:36,739
‎但這個電影預告
‎和你以為的電影內容完全不同

38
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:40,994
‎就像俗話說的，地毯跟窗簾完全不搭

39
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:44,873
‎兩種我不會安裝的東西

40
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:57,594
‎但我看起來很會修東西，真的

41
00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,137
‎我看起來很會修東西

42
00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:01,848
‎如果你看到我，你的車剛好壞了

43
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:04,809
‎你可能會覺得我能幫忙修車

44
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,853
‎我看起來像那種人

45
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,397
‎那就是有男子氣概的女生能做的事

46
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,775
‎她可以把你的車背在背上…

47
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,155
‎扛去修車廠

48
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:22,327
‎她可以在你的油箱裡吐口水…

49
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,623
‎你的車就能發動了

50
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:31,377
‎魔法，但那不是我

51
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,715
‎而男人就是無法理解這件事

52
00:03:35,798 --> 00:03:38,801
‎我在逛居家修繕商場時
‎常常會有男人來搭話

53
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,012
‎因為他們以為我是員工

54
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:45,350
‎他們會說：“老兄，妳好嗎？”

55
00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:47,435
‎“請問釘子在哪裡？”

56
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:50,396
‎我說：“我是來買盆栽的”

57
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:57,320
‎“但我知道櫃檯有賣巧克力”

58
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,495
‎我們一度覺得無聊

59
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:09,374
‎然後我們開車去加州的沙漠
‎去了約書亞樹國家公園

60
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:12,585
‎我在開車時注意到前面有輛車拋錨了

61
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,421
‎車主真的很高

62
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,549
‎身材超壯，沒穿上衣，綁了包包頭

63
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,177
‎直女們，還喜歡男生綁包包頭嗎？

64
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,345
‎不喜歡！

65
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,389
‎看來妳真的超討厭

66
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,640
‎哇

67
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,851
‎他穿著黑白相間的條紋長褲

68
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,896
‎看起來像是逃獄的帥氣囚犯

69
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,149
‎他的車在路邊拋錨了

70
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:38,528
‎我開車經過，轉頭看了一眼，發現

71
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,990
‎他是傑森摩莫亞

72
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,159
‎現在喜歡男生綁包包頭了吧？

73
00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,495
‎對

74
00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:49,247
‎我想也是

75
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,626
‎那是水行俠

76
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,796
‎距離大海好幾公里…

77
00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:01,342
‎困在沙漠中，沒有超能力

78
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,678
‎美麗，沒穿上衣

79
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,471
‎我繼續往前開

80
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,976
‎我已經提過了，我沒辦法幫他修車

81
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:14,689
‎我不能在他等別人來幫他修車時
‎幫他吹喇叭

82
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,234
‎我完全幫不上忙

83
00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:21,029
‎不過我做了次佳的事情

84
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,656
‎我加油時搜尋了他的IG

85
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:26,034
‎“我確認一下是不是他”

86
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,119
‎對我來說，所有男人都長得一樣

87
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,832
‎看了他的頁面，他上傳了他的照片

88
00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,543
‎穿著黑白相間的長褲，站在路邊

89
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:40,214
‎我心想：“天啊，真的是傑森摩莫亞”

90
00:05:40,798 --> 00:05:43,551
‎然後我給了那張照片一個愛心

91
00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:48,514
‎我盡力了

92
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:54,604
‎但我的內在跟外表截然不同

93
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,023
‎我是很淑女的女生

94
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,234
‎我是嬌嫩的小花

95
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,153
‎我喜歡偶爾按摩

96
00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:04,655
‎這個女孩喜歡被寵愛

97
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:08,201
‎最近我第一次做屁股按摩

98
00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:10,870
‎你們試過嗎？天啊

99
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:13,539
‎不是手肘壓一下臀大肌那種

100
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:18,294
‎我說的是認真按整個屁股的按摩

101
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,381
‎我去了一間很正派的美容中心

102
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:26,052
‎趴著，有個男生直接開始揉我的屁股

103
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,597
‎而且還發出聲音

104
00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:34,811
‎我就這樣…

105
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:40,233
‎我嚇到緊抓不存在的珍珠項鍊

106
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:45,738
‎我從來沒有這樣被男人碰過

107
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:49,742
‎他一直用力按我屁股

108
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,703
‎然後他解鎖了一些寶藏

109
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:59,585
‎我從來沒有這麼舒服過

110
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,130
‎那晚回家時我覺得自己如羽毛般輕盈

111
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:06,134
‎整個人煥然一新，我煮了三道菜

112
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,969
‎我根本不會做飯

113
00:07:09,178 --> 00:07:10,721
‎過了幾天我又打電話去

114
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,807
‎我想要再預約按摩

115
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,853
‎那傢伙接下來一個月都沒空

116
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:20,398
‎我心想：“這是他的專長
‎他是屁股按摩師

117
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:22,733
‎大家都知道”

118
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:26,154
‎一個月後我終於約成功，一樣的狀況

119
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:29,240
‎超認真按我的屁股

120
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,579
‎這次按了30分鐘

121
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:39,667
‎他按我屁股的時間
‎比我保養臉的時間還久

122
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:47,091
‎他別的部位都不碰
‎看到我的腳就覺得：“噁心！”

123
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:49,760
‎只按屁股

124
00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:54,307
‎我回家，幾天後再打電話去預約

125
00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:58,227
‎他被開除了

126
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:03,149
‎對，有人毀了所有人的幸福

127
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:06,110
‎可惡的屁股告密者

128
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:12,241
‎原來他解鎖了太多寶藏

129
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:20,708
‎我唯獨不想讓某人發現
‎我沒有看起來那麼強悍

130
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,084
‎那就是我的伴侶賈克斯

131
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,462
‎我不想讓她知道這件事

132
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:28,341
‎因為在遇到我之前
‎她只跟很有男子氣概的女人交往過

133
00:08:28,424 --> 00:08:31,010
‎而且真的是超有男子氣概

134
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,848
‎像是警察、卡車司機和保鏢，我的天

135
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:39,769
‎超有男子氣概

136
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,312
‎我是完全不同路線的人

137
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:44,023
‎我會說：“誰想抱抱？”

138
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,399
‎完全不同

139
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,777
‎但我們某次去參加
‎某個盛大的好萊塢活動

140
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:52,281
‎我想扮演好角色，所以穿了男生西裝

141
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,495
‎賈克斯穿著洋裝和高跟鞋
‎我們接到保全公司的電話

142
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,288
‎他們說我們家的警報器響了

143
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,916
‎問我們要不要派保全去查看？

144
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:03,167
‎我說：“當然要”

145
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:06,128
‎我們掉頭，到家了，保全還沒到

146
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,715
‎賈克斯變了
‎她說：“我們得進去評估情況”

147
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,384
‎我說：“不需要”

148
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:15,763
‎她說：“我的前女友達琳是警察

149
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,766
‎她說家庭警報系統是最不重要的”

150
00:09:18,849 --> 00:09:20,476
‎我說：“等等”

151
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,521
‎“我以為那個前女友叫潘”

152
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:28,818
‎她說：“一個是達琳一個是潘
‎也許妳想的是席拉”

153
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,570
‎我問：“有幾個是警察？”

154
00:09:33,614 --> 00:09:37,201
‎她跟整個芝加哥女警部交往過

155
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,540
‎她說：“妳真的不進去檢查？”

156
00:09:42,623 --> 00:09:46,252
‎我說：“不要！”
‎所以她把高跟鞋脫了

157
00:09:46,335 --> 00:09:50,590
‎像武器一樣舉著，穿著一只鞋衝進去

158
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:53,175
‎檢查每個房間

159
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:56,512
‎如果有人突然跳出來
‎她會用高跟鞋敲爆他的臉

160
00:09:57,305 --> 00:10:00,766
‎我待在門口，因為我穿平底鞋

161
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,770
‎我心想：“我要怎麼保護自己？”

162
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,273
‎我的鞋連低跟都不是

163
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:13,029
‎我一度聽到聲響
‎所以把鑰匙扣拿更高

164
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:18,534
‎“我真的會按這個按鈕，我發誓”

165
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:22,038
‎上面寫著“恐慌”，我現在很恐慌

166
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:28,961
‎保全公司打來，他們說那是假警報

167
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,047
‎其中一個感測器沒電了

168
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,007
‎他們說：“我們很抱歉

169
00:10:33,090 --> 00:10:36,135
‎希望沒有為您帶來任何不便”

170
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,388
‎我說：“我的另一半現在知道我很廢

171
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,141
‎這樣很不方便”

172
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,021
‎賈克斯跳著出來

173
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:53,069
‎她說：“妳至少可以跟我一起進去”

174
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:58,908
‎我說：“天啊，我根本沒想過”

175
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:05,331
‎所以我不是我們家的守護者

176
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:08,918
‎我知道賈克斯為何這麼堅強

177
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:11,754
‎她是幼稚園老師，那些老師都很強悍

178
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:12,922
‎他們必須強悍

179
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,925
‎對，那是很辛苦的工作

180
00:11:17,718 --> 00:11:20,429
‎但我回想起我在1980年代讀幼稚園時

181
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,015
‎我的天，以前真的很亂來

182
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:27,186
‎我有一張五歲在幼稚園的照片

183
00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:28,562
‎我手上拿著

184
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,314
‎一把錘子…

185
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:33,776
‎還有釘子

186
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:37,154
‎我看到的第一個念頭是
‎怎麼沒人教我怎麼用

187
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:40,991
‎但我又心想
‎“我為什麼拿著錘子和釘子？”

188
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,244
‎我們在練習用錘子嗎？

189
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:45,162
‎老師是不是說：“好，孩子們

190
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,289
‎我們要幫教室做一些櫃子

191
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,918
‎也許之後
‎再為我的車庫蓋一個不錯的長凳”

192
00:11:51,001 --> 00:11:52,086
‎有夠誇張

193
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:54,714
‎現在想像五歲的孩子

194
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:58,384
‎他們幫超大圓圈上色時一定會塗出去

195
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:02,012
‎但卻有人給他們又大又重的錘子

196
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:05,808
‎希望他們能打中超小的釘子

197
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:06,934
‎不！

198
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:10,563
‎但1980年代的幼稚園就是會做那種事

199
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:14,191
‎下課時間老師只會說：“祝好運”

200
00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:18,529
‎你要靠自己，各位想想

201
00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:20,865
‎我們最愛的遊戲，躲避球

202
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,659
‎你拿一顆又大又重的球

203
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:28,205
‎盡全力砸爆同學的臉

204
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,583
‎逼我們得學會《駭客任務》

205
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:35,880
‎牙齒才不會被撞斷

206
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,009
‎躲避球的訓練
‎後來在高中為我派上用場

207
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,720
‎我躲避了幾個蛋蛋，不多

208
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,349
‎從來沒抓到過

209
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,145
‎其實最激烈的遊戲是紅羅浮

210
00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,272
‎你們記得紅羅浮嗎？

211
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:59,278
‎你和朋友排成一列，手勾手

212
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:03,866
‎其他朋友在對面排成一列，也手勾手

213
00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:04,950
‎然後你大喊

214
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,996
‎“撐住！”

215
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:12,458
‎“撐住！”

216
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,210
‎好像我們是戰爭電影的主角

217
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,632
‎你盯著操場對面的朋友

218
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:24,220
‎唯一目標是全力衝向那條線

219
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:28,098
‎然後把對方的手弄斷

220
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,811
‎對方跑向你時

221
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:35,022
‎你要抓住旁邊的人的手臂
‎把手臂舉起來

222
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:38,400
‎然後撞爆對方的鎖骨

223
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,695
‎然後你們開始互相嘲笑

224
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,990
‎你會說：“紅羅浮

225
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,202
‎叫那個小廢物提米

226
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,121
‎過來挑戰”

227
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,087
‎提米出現那種眼神

228
00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,214
‎他開始盡力衝刺

229
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,050
‎我們大喊

230
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:06,345
‎“撐住！”

231
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,596
‎他來了

232
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,056
‎我們抓住彼此的手臂

233
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,266
‎我們把防線拉高

234
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,268
‎現在提米撞上我們的防線了

235
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,478
‎我們的手臂快掉下來了

236
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,940
‎我們問：“我們贏了嗎？”

237
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,026
‎“我們有撐住嗎？”

238
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,987
‎老師什麼都沒做

239
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:26,824
‎她站在柏油路上抽她的菸

240
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,498
‎思考中年危機

241
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,961
‎她說：“我的薪水太低，我才不想管”

242
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,341
‎以前的體育器材超扯

243
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,634
‎我們有旋轉平台

244
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,554
‎根本是金屬做的死亡陷阱

245
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:53,475
‎只有以時速97公里旋轉時才好玩

246
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:57,229
‎然後我們會試圖在它高速旋轉時
‎助跑跳上去

247
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,734
‎就像試圖跳上行駛中的車子的引擎蓋

248
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,319
‎可是上面沒有地方可以著地

249
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,864
‎上面已經有20個同學擠成一坨

250
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:13,579
‎不能碰任何地方
‎因為天氣超熱，金屬被曬到超燙

251
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:17,333
‎難免會有同學掉下去被困住

252
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,422
‎膝蓋一直流血
‎我們試圖引起老師的注意

253
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:25,466
‎她說：“還有20分鐘！

254
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:28,928
‎這是我的獨處時間”

255
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:35,559
‎因為我來自北卡羅萊納州

256
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,561
‎我們以前會玩輪胎

257
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,690
‎對，我是說從卡車上掉下來的輪胎

258
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:45,027
‎直接滾進小學停車場

259
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:49,949
‎學校的管理人員說
‎“哎呀，我們沒什麼預算

260
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,868
‎這些舊東西就湊合著用吧”

261
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,787
‎那是超大的輪胎

262
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,831
‎立起來這麼高

263
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,292
‎34公斤重，中空

264
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:04,588
‎我們小學後面有個小山丘

265
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:10,135
‎所以我們老師得把輪胎推上山丘

266
00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:13,305
‎超生氣，邊推邊發脾氣

267
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,849
‎他們說：“我有教育碩士學位”

268
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:23,524
‎我們這些五歲小孩跑上去，我們會…

269
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:29,363
‎鑽進輪胎中心

270
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:32,032
‎同學會把五歲小孩的身體

271
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:33,867
‎塞進另一個輪胎

272
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:39,832
‎然後老師會分別站在每個輪胎後面

273
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,710
‎推我們

274
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,508
‎“好吧，你們這些小混蛋”

275
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:55,139
‎“準備好迎接人生最難忘的旅程”

276
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:59,435
‎然後他們把我們推下山坡

277
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:03,355
‎時速30公里、60公里、90公里

278
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,107
‎沒有把手，只能…

279
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:13,615
‎我們撞到紅磚牆
‎從輪胎飛出去，嘔吐

280
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:18,912
‎老師走下山坡，用你的額頭熄菸

281
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,459
‎她會說：“同學，下課了
‎事實上，大家可以回家了

282
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:27,880
‎我得去見我的男生朋友
‎我們是透過報紙認識的”

283
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,052
‎那是1980年代的下課時間

284
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,059
‎完全不同的時代

285
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,728
‎以前可以用大台計算機

286
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,439
‎拼出

287
00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:47,107
‎“boobs”（胸部）

288
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,404
‎我最喜歡的數字

289
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,949
‎80085

290
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:01,872
‎對，現在的小孩只要拿出手機

291
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,500
‎想看多少胸部都行

292
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:08,128
‎但是誰能用數字拼出來？

293
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,171
‎是我們

294
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,969
‎美好時光

295
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,222
‎但我很高興有交往對象

296
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,182
‎我喜歡，很適合我

297
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:23,018
‎找對象很辛苦，真的很難，我不知道

298
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,021
‎得上交友軟體左右滑之類的

299
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:30,109
‎如果我單身
‎我最喜歡的交友軟體會是訂餐軟體

300
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,570
‎當然

301
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,491
‎我覺得喜歡交換伴侶的人找到辦法了

302
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:40,577
‎他們在疫情中找對象一定很辛苦

303
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,956
‎但他們有辦法讓對方知道
‎他們會交換伴侶

304
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,624
‎你們知道嗎？

305
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,501
‎我教你們，好

306
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:52,756
‎我得知如果你想讓大家知道
‎你有交換癖好

307
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:56,135
‎你可以在前院放紅鶴

308
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,052
‎對

309
00:18:57,136 --> 00:19:00,889
‎在佛州和我媽家很容易讓人誤會

310
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,687
‎也許那就是她週末那麼忙的原因
‎我不知道

311
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:12,067
‎我不太懂怎麼運作
‎他們就在街上開來開去

312
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,278
‎找哪裡有一群紅鶴

313
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,614
‎他們看到後會按門鈴
‎告訴你他們來玩了

314
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,866
‎不知道

315
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,284
‎不過我喜歡

316
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,996
‎還有上下顛倒的鳳梨

317
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,958
‎你可以把鳳梨倒放在前廊

318
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,418
‎別放成正面

319
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,086
‎那只是普通鳳梨

320
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,924
‎我一直以為倒放的鳳梨

321
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,510
‎是為了告訴大家你喜歡翻轉鳳梨蛋糕

322
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:43,515
‎我會為了蛋糕
‎停下腳步去按陌生人的門鈴

323
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:48,937
‎但有次表演結束後
‎一對玩換妻的夫妻來找我攀談

324
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,690
‎他們來找我，對，非常令人興奮

325
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:56,737
‎我沒有歧視老人
‎我只是告訴你們一個事實

326
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,655
‎這只是故事的事實之一

327
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,532
‎他們兩個都拿著拐杖

328
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,788
‎所以他們是老手了

329
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:11,627
‎那個太太告訴我
‎她先生很喜歡我的表演

330
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,712
‎我非常感激

331
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:17,174
‎她說他在節目尾聲告訴她

332
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:20,385
‎她可以跟我玩

333
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:26,975
‎性行為？我不知道

334
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,562
‎我不知道該說什麼

335
00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:33,273
‎所以我行屈膝禮

336
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,823
‎那不算拒絕…

337
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,661
‎但很有禮貌

338
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,832
‎但你得勇於嘗試，和不同的人交往

339
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,127
‎我跟不同的人交往過
‎有次我和護士交往

340
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:58,131
‎上帝保佑護士
‎他們讓我們撐過這段瘋狂的時光

341
00:20:58,840 --> 00:20:59,675
‎對

342
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,345
‎我以為會不一樣

343
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:07,099
‎我以為她會穿性感護士服回家

344
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,767
‎對我說：“誰覺得痛痛？”

345
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,310
‎然後我會說：“我”

346
00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:15,899
‎但不是那樣的
‎她穿著超髒的護士服回家

347
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,567
‎她把工作帶回家做

348
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,778
‎她老是拿著寫字板跟著我

349
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,240
‎問我排便順不順暢

350
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:28,078
‎她認為我該減肥，這個…對啦

351
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:32,165
‎我只是想說跟她一起吃玉米片不好玩

352
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:35,794
‎因為她會看著我，然後看著玉米片
‎說：“好喔”

353
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:40,966
‎“好喔，某人做了選擇”

354
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:46,722
‎“三種起司，酸奶油和液體起司？”

355
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,891
‎我說：“這叫奎索”

356
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:53,812
‎“這是西班牙文的心臟疾病”

357
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:56,690
‎“而且很好吃”

358
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:59,568
‎我當下就知道我們走不下去

359
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:02,988
‎我想找個正當的藉口提分手

360
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:05,824
‎她在做偉大的工作，我不想說

361
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:09,453
‎“嘿，妳讓我吃玉米片時很難過”

362
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:18,670
‎後來我在芝加哥這裡認識賈克斯

363
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,052
‎在同志大遊行

364
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,219
‎對

365
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:29,473
‎還有希望

366
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,809
‎我們在停車場認識

367
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,187
‎我們在停車場認識

368
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:39,232
‎美國的女同志酒吧就是剩下這麼少間

369
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:42,319
‎女同志被迫聚集在停車場

370
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,738
‎可以在那裡狂歡或代客泊車

371
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,031
‎隨便妳

372
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:52,204
‎我們交往了一陣子
‎我很早就知道賈克斯是我的真命天女

373
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:55,123
‎後來我知道該向她求婚了

374
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,251
‎我不是很浪漫，所以我打給我朋友

375
00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:00,545
‎“我應該在哪裡向賈克斯求婚？”

376
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:04,007
‎她說：“妳得去大蘇爾”

377
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,635
‎不，那不是我高中的綽號

378
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:10,597
‎大蘇爾是加州沿岸的一個小鎮

379
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,974
‎有美麗的橋和懸崖

380
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,685
‎她說：“那裡有間旅館很浪漫
‎打去訂房”

381
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:19,106
‎我打電話訂房
‎接電話的人一直想說服我升級

382
00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:21,733
‎我只想要一間標準小木屋
‎她說：“等等

383
00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:24,820
‎妳不是要求婚嗎？
‎不要這麼小氣好嗎？

384
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:26,488
‎不要小氣

385
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,449
‎妳最好升級成海景房

386
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:30,450
‎很值得

387
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,494
‎她會嚇到奶都彈出來”

388
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:35,497
‎我不確定她是不是真的這麼說

389
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:38,792
‎但是她的態度就是那樣

390
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,628
‎我說：“好吧”，我多付了很多錢

391
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:45,006
‎訂了聽說很棒的海景房，我們出發了

392
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:49,845
‎我們走到那間小屋，我走進去
‎很舊的小木屋，很貴的小木屋

393
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:53,265
‎我說：“妳看到風景會嚇死”

394
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:56,852
‎我正要打開後門時對她說

395
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,728
‎“扶好妳的奶子”

396
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,817
‎我打開後門，我們走到外面

397
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,318
‎只有一片霧

398
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:06,445
‎霧

399
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:08,113
‎霧

400
00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:10,574
‎只有一團可恨的霧

401
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:16,121
‎我心想：“這是怎樣？
‎19世紀的女同志歷史劇嗎？

402
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,625
‎霧怎麼那麼大？

403
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:24,379
‎凱特溫斯蕾在下面找化石嗎？

404
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,218
‎不是我想要的開始
‎但我心想：“沒關係”

405
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:33,722
‎我的計劃是帶她去高級餐廳吃晚餐

406
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:37,809
‎然後我會回房間，在房間求婚

407
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:41,104
‎所以我事先打給飯店，對他們說

408
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:45,650
‎“可以請你們把房間
‎佈置成《鑽石求千金》那樣嗎？”

409
00:24:45,734 --> 00:24:48,320
‎我不知道，女生好像喜歡那樣

410
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:53,575
‎可以放些蠟燭和玫瑰花瓣
‎還有準備香檳嗎？

411
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,578
‎再來點草莓吧？但要沾上巧克力

412
00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:57,871
‎不然那只是水果”

413
00:25:00,749 --> 00:25:03,293
‎他們說沒問題，收了我一大筆錢

414
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,504
‎很樂意付錢，很樂意有人幫忙

415
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:07,380
‎所以我們出發了，我們去吃晚餐

416
00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:10,842
‎我去找服務生，因為我需要他幫忙
‎我會告訴他我要做什麼

417
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:14,262
‎所以我走過去，看到他叫克雷格

418
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,264
‎克雷格非常戲劇化

419
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,934
‎他應該有參與社區劇團

420
00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:23,146
‎我走向他，說：“嗨，克雷格”
‎他說

421
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:24,898
‎“嗨”

422
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:33,365
‎我說：“克雷格
‎我今晚要向女友求婚

423
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:38,662
‎他說：“天啊！”

424
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,832
‎他讓我想起《美女與野獸》的燭台

425
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,377
‎就是很多

426
00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:49,047
‎“妳將求婚，然後就能破解詛咒”

427
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:53,760
‎我說：“謝謝
‎我很興奮，但我很緊張

428
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:57,347
‎我不想讓晚餐拖太久，我想快點求婚

429
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,224
‎有人在佈置我們的房間

430
00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,018
‎你能不能在晚餐快結束時打給櫃檯

431
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:05,272
‎看我們房間好了沒，然後給我暗號

432
00:26:05,355 --> 00:26:06,982
‎讓我知道可以離開了？”

433
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:09,401
‎他說：“當然沒問題”

434
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:15,365
‎我說：“你不需要問我們要不要甜點
‎房間裡會準備”

435
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:16,283
‎他說：“好”

436
00:26:16,366 --> 00:26:18,368
‎然後他像這樣轉身

437
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:21,246
‎離開

438
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:26,710
‎我心想：“我喜歡克雷格”

439
00:26:28,211 --> 00:26:30,714
‎我們開始吃飯

440
00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:35,468
‎每道菜都比上一道更怪

441
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,513
‎對我們來說太高級了

442
00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:41,933
‎裡面有很多泡沫，觸手和貝殼

443
00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:45,854
‎很多傳說中的“海洋”的東西

444
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:52,027
‎所以一切都差一點
‎但我們終於吃完晚餐了

445
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:55,864
‎我準備好執行計畫了

446
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:56,948
‎克雷格說

447
00:26:57,532 --> 00:27:00,577
‎“嗨，誰想點甜點？”

448
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,995
‎我說：“不是我們，克雷格”

449
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:02,912
‎他說：“糟糕”

450
00:27:09,419 --> 00:27:10,754
‎我心想：“克雷格！

451
00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:13,506
‎兄弟，你只有兩件事要做”

452
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:19,262
‎怎麼會有人同時這麼興奮又無能呢？

453
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,766
‎所以賈克斯很困惑

454
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:25,352
‎因為她從沒見過我不點甜點

455
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:30,231
‎我盯著她，我不知道該說什麼

456
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,568
‎我想著要好好執行，我想要一切完美

457
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,905
‎每個人都會問你怎麼求婚的
‎會拷問所有細節

458
00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:40,033
‎克雷格一直不來

459
00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:42,744
‎這是我們這輩子最不浪漫的晚餐

460
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:45,455
‎終於在等了一輩子之後

461
00:27:45,538 --> 00:27:48,625
‎克雷格偷偷出現在賈克斯後面

462
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:53,713
‎他在她的肩膀上盤旋

463
00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,799
‎她不知道他在後面

464
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:58,510
‎他盯著我看

465
00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:02,931
‎超激烈

466
00:28:05,058 --> 00:28:07,268
‎我跟賈克斯在一起七年了

467
00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:10,188
‎我們從來沒有那樣看著對方

468
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:12,691
‎沒有像克雷格

469
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:14,776
‎盯著我那麼久

470
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:23,451
‎然後他終於…

471
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:27,872
‎他很驕傲

472
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:30,667
‎轉身

473
00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:36,798
‎走進霧中，從此消失

474
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:43,763
‎我們要回房間了

475
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:46,641
‎我想著我想對賈克斯說的話

476
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,436
‎我只想要完美，我想要浪漫

477
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,063
‎我們到了門口，我開始流汗

478
00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:53,648
‎我越來越緊張了

479
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,776
‎我緊張時會擺出手指手槍

480
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,113
‎所以我看著賈克斯開始…

481
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:11,583
‎然後我準備好開啟浪漫之門

482
00:29:12,292 --> 00:29:15,754
‎我們走進去
‎房間看起來就像犯罪現場

483
00:29:18,339 --> 00:29:21,426
‎我們的眼睛還在適應，因為光很怪

484
00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:26,181
‎就像房間只有廁所燈開著的樣子

485
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:30,393
‎我環顧四周，有50個小蠟燭

486
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:32,854
‎但都是吃電池的

487
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:36,983
‎而且一半都沒電了，亮都沒亮

488
00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:39,736
‎十個在閃爍，就像：“我們努力了”

489
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:43,573
‎我的強迫症大腦心想
‎“誰決定弄成這樣的？”

490
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:47,744
‎但我根本無法專心
‎因為我站在一坨東西上面

491
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,205
‎到處都是玫瑰花瓣

492
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,792
‎到處都是，排列方式一點都不合理

493
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,836
‎沒有愛心形狀或名字縮寫

494
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,755
‎完全一團混亂

495
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:01,883
‎好像有人打開後門

496
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:04,052
‎一堆東西飛到房間裡

497
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:06,971
‎然後他們拿起吹葉機…

498
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:12,352
‎然後收工

499
00:30:12,852 --> 00:30:16,648
‎我心想：“我訂了‘隨便’套組嗎？

500
00:30:18,024 --> 00:30:19,692
‎這是什麼鬼？”

501
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,196
‎你們想到玫瑰和浪漫時

502
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:24,989
‎會想到什麼顏色？

503
00:30:25,073 --> 00:30:25,907
‎紅色！

504
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:27,992
‎紅色？有意思

505
00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:31,830
‎那些玫瑰花瓣是白色的

506
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:33,581
‎死了一半

507
00:30:34,082 --> 00:30:38,253
‎我後來上網搜尋“白玫瑰代表什麼？”

508
00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:39,712
‎是貞操

509
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:41,256
‎對

510
00:30:42,048 --> 00:30:46,386
‎這確實是19世紀女同志歷史劇

511
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:54,269
‎雖然看來小木屋裡禁止點真正的蠟燭

512
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,397
‎屋裡卻有燒得很旺盛的火爐

513
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,275
‎而他們決定放在那裡

514
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,861
‎裹了巧克力的草莓

515
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,238
‎還有放香檳的冰桶

516
00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:09,742
‎兩者都滴了一大堆水在地上

517
00:31:10,326 --> 00:31:13,705
‎沒有任何一個部分會讓賈克斯覺得

518
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:16,499
‎即將有人向她求婚

519
00:31:18,167 --> 00:31:23,006
‎我必須馬上決定
‎今晚要往哪個方向發展

520
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,799
‎要不要打給櫃檯說

521
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,969
‎“有人闖進我們房間毀了一切”？

522
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,471
‎還是我要接受這一切

523
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:35,977
‎假裝房間裡的每項事物

524
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:39,564
‎都照著我的計劃進行？

525
00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:44,319
‎我盯著賈克斯，就像被頭燈照到的鹿

526
00:31:45,528 --> 00:31:49,449
‎我想不起來
‎任何原本想對她說的浪漫台詞

527
00:31:49,532 --> 00:31:51,367
‎我又流汗了

528
00:31:52,619 --> 00:31:54,412
‎我開始緊張

529
00:31:54,495 --> 00:31:56,664
‎天啊，手指手槍來了

530
00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:02,754
‎我忘了跪下

531
00:32:02,837 --> 00:32:04,130
‎腦海一片空白

532
00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:06,174
‎我慌了，所以我…

533
00:32:11,054 --> 00:32:12,263
‎我大叫

534
00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:13,848
‎“要嗎？”

535
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:20,188
‎賈克斯行屈膝禮

536
00:32:22,815 --> 00:32:27,445
‎幸好她點頭答應了

537
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,375
‎既然我們訂婚了

538
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,502
‎我們必須開始計畫婚禮

539
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:45,046
‎我們維持訂婚狀態好一陣子
‎因為老實說

540
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,256
‎我們倆都不太會規劃

541
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:52,512
‎然後我媽金潔開始提議
‎幫我們規劃婚禮

542
00:32:53,429 --> 00:32:55,014
‎我心想：“天啊”

543
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:58,768
‎因為我媽中年時再婚

544
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:02,438
‎我參加了她的婚禮…

545
00:33:03,398 --> 00:33:05,233
‎她的婚禮主題是馬戲團

546
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:06,734
‎對

547
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:10,071
‎她跟一個老派的南方男人結婚

548
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,573
‎他講話聽起來像南方紳士

549
00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:15,827
‎他沒有參與規劃

550
00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:22,000
‎不知道我媽是不是誤以為
‎她在籌辦12歲小孩的生日派對

551
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:24,252
‎但就是這樣，她的婚禮主題是馬戲團

552
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:25,878
‎她邀請了300人

553
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:28,381
‎沒錯，300人

554
00:33:28,464 --> 00:33:31,384
‎來衛理教會參加這個盛大派對

555
00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:35,179
‎她租了紅白相間的馬戲團帳篷

556
00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:38,057
‎然後叫人架在教堂裡面

557
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:41,144
‎不是帳篷該出現的外面，在裡面

558
00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:44,981
‎她租了棉花糖機

559
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:49,277
‎她說：“我要供應玉米片和辣椒”

560
00:33:49,819 --> 00:33:52,989
‎現場有個雜耍演員，看來小丑是我

561
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:57,452
‎她準備了45公升的冰淇淋

562
00:33:57,535 --> 00:34:00,413
‎主菜由熱狗推車供應

563
00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:04,083
‎她上週在路邊找到某個男的，問他

564
00:34:04,167 --> 00:34:06,669
‎“你週六有空嗎？”

565
00:34:06,753 --> 00:34:11,466
‎這個人到了現場
‎他平常一天應該賣不到20根熱狗

566
00:34:11,549 --> 00:34:15,261
‎現在有300個挨餓的人

567
00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:19,474
‎在教堂排隊好幾圈，超想吃他的熱狗

568
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:21,893
‎他就像…

569
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:23,811
‎超慌張

570
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,688
‎在派對場地中間

571
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:28,775
‎有兩個圓形塑膠嬰兒泳池

572
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:31,694
‎我心想：“是要玩咬蘋果嗎？”

573
00:34:32,528 --> 00:34:37,325
‎不，我媽在兩個塑膠嬰兒泳池
‎都放了冰塊

574
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:41,704
‎然後把罐裝飲料放進泳池

575
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,831
‎並向派對所有人宣布

576
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,167
‎那是我們的冰桶

577
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:53,966
‎我走進去看到兩個塑膠嬰兒泳池
‎當作冰桶用

578
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:58,137
‎心想：“我在洛杉磯這麼努力工作

579
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,431
‎試著闖出名堂

580
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:04,644
‎但我們好低端”

581
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:10,566
‎“我們好低端”

582
00:35:11,484 --> 00:35:14,862
‎我媽的男生朋友穿著樂福鞋走進去

583
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,322
‎完全不知道發生什麼事

584
00:35:16,405 --> 00:35:18,908
‎他差點昏倒，就像：“唉唷威啊！”

585
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,371
‎但最棒的部分是娛樂節目

586
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:26,874
‎他們請了一位教會合唱團的女人唱歌

587
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,001
‎而這是她獨唱的重要時刻

588
00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:32,755
‎她超有自信地登上舞台

589
00:35:32,839 --> 00:35:34,924
‎開始唱…

590
00:35:35,007 --> 00:35:39,387
‎上山去宣揚吧

591
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:44,016
‎傳遍山外每一處

592
00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:47,937
‎上山去宣揚吧

593
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,064
‎說金潔

594
00:35:50,148 --> 00:35:55,361
‎結婚了

595
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,285
‎還有

596
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:04,829
‎她開始唱…

597
00:36:04,912 --> 00:36:08,624
‎當聖徒進入天家

598
00:36:08,708 --> 00:36:12,336
‎當聖徒進入天家

599
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:16,549
‎主，我願亦在他們當中

600
00:36:16,632 --> 00:36:20,428
‎當聖徒進入

601
00:36:20,511 --> 00:36:24,599
‎天家

602
00:36:29,061 --> 00:36:32,148
‎那段婚姻只撐了三個月

603
00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:37,528
‎那個馬戲團帳篷
‎撐得比我媽的婚姻還久

604
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:42,200
‎所以我們開始籌辦婚禮

605
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:45,119
‎沒有讓我媽參與

606
00:36:46,078 --> 00:36:48,164
‎然後疫情爆發，我們心想

607
00:36:48,247 --> 00:36:51,167
‎“看來我們沒辦法結婚了”

608
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:53,920
‎但秋天來了，十月到了

609
00:36:54,003 --> 00:36:57,048
‎我們說：“其實這是結婚的完美時機

610
00:36:57,131 --> 00:37:01,010
‎我們可以隨心所欲，不用擔心別人”

611
00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:02,845
‎所以沒錯，很棒

612
00:37:04,138 --> 00:37:08,601
‎我們在兩週內規劃好
‎租了一間海邊的民宿

613
00:37:08,684 --> 00:37:11,687
‎請戴口罩的陌生人當證婚人

614
00:37:12,396 --> 00:37:13,773
‎我們和家人視訊

615
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:16,525
‎我媽好像還沒結束那通視訊電話

616
00:37:19,153 --> 00:37:22,823
‎我們從沒想過會這樣結婚

617
00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:24,784
‎但最後很完美

618
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:27,536
‎因為那是屬於我們的日子

619
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:30,706
‎那天我們還受洗了，不是故意的

620
00:37:32,041 --> 00:37:36,671
‎我們拍了一堆照片

621
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:40,216
‎我們看到太陽正要下山
‎有一座通往大海的階梯

622
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:42,927
‎我們說：“天啊，我們得在這裡拍照”

623
00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:44,220
‎所以我們就站在那邊

624
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:47,139
‎超棒的攝影師拍了一系列照片

625
00:37:47,223 --> 00:37:49,684
‎在第一張照片中，我們看起來很美

626
00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:53,187
‎我們看起來像
‎一起參加舞會的兩個女同志

627
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:56,065
‎超美的照片

628
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:58,109
‎我們的第二張照片有點這樣

629
00:37:58,192 --> 00:38:00,361
‎因為有東西靠近

630
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:05,741
‎就像對於有女同志一起去舞會
‎很生氣的校長

631
00:38:07,535 --> 00:38:10,037
‎然後第三張照片我們變這樣

632
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:13,708
‎因為現在海洋沖進我們耳朵

633
00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:17,670
‎第四張照片，我們完全被水淹沒

634
00:38:17,753 --> 00:38:20,464
‎第五張照片，海水又被大海吸回去

635
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,383
‎我們全身濕透…

636
00:38:25,219 --> 00:38:28,347
‎“真高興我們決定在日落時拍照”

637
00:38:29,849 --> 00:38:32,810
‎我們拍了這些照片
‎我認為這代表好運

638
00:38:32,893 --> 00:38:36,230
‎我是這麼聽說的
‎這是好運，我接受這個說法

639
00:38:36,314 --> 00:38:38,816
‎但我們結婚幾天後

640
00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:41,360
‎有人在網路上宣布我們結婚了

641
00:38:41,444 --> 00:38:45,573
‎我們收到很多愛與支持，我很感激

642
00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:52,496
‎我盡量散發正能量

643
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,166
‎所以我接收到正能量時很感激

644
00:38:55,249 --> 00:38:57,251
‎我試著不去看負面的東西

645
00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:00,129
‎我試著用正面的東西包圍自己

646
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:02,757
‎我試著不看負面評論

647
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,384
‎但在這一行難免會聽到很多人的評論

648
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:09,972
‎我不會每一則都看
‎但偶爾會看到狗屎言論

649
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:15,269
‎那天我剛好看到一則傳給我的私訊

650
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:19,148
‎我想讀給你們聽，如果可以的話

651
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:20,691
‎-好！
‎-好！

652
00:39:20,775 --> 00:39:21,859
‎好

653
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,195
‎這是叫蓋瑞的人寫的

654
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:26,364
‎我要先說

655
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:31,660
‎你們不會喜歡這則訊息
‎但我們要一起面對

656
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:38,918
‎所以蓋瑞在我宣布結婚那天寫給我

657
00:39:39,001 --> 00:39:42,171
‎他說：“妳和妳太太

658
00:39:42,254 --> 00:39:43,881
‎有精神病多久了？

659
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,509
‎舔塔可的女同志

660
00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:49,970
‎妳們應該被關進惡魔島”

661
00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:54,642
‎我心想：“哇，這…

662
00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:57,353
‎很具體”

663
00:40:00,564 --> 00:40:03,859
‎對了，那封訊息文法亂七八糟

664
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,112
‎他說：“有精神病舔塔可

665
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:11,367
‎我心想：“應該是‘精神病’，逗號
‎‘舔’，連字號…”

666
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:12,701
‎你懂的

667
00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:15,246
‎我已經在幫他了

668
00:40:16,914 --> 00:40:19,708
‎我那一天可能特別無聊

669
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:23,712
‎因為我心想
‎“我得看看這個人長什麼樣子

670
00:40:23,796 --> 00:40:27,508
‎誰會傳這種訊息給不認識的人？”

671
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:30,636
‎所以我去了他的主頁
‎他沒有放自己的照片

672
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,848
‎他的頭貼是美國國旗的照片

673
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:36,517
‎上面寫著

674
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,187
‎“美國需要重返上帝懷抱”

675
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:46,610
‎那是蓋瑞在IG上的開場白

676
00:40:47,194 --> 00:40:50,990
‎然後他卻傳給我那種訊息

677
00:40:52,324 --> 00:40:53,284
‎我心想

678
00:40:54,118 --> 00:40:56,495
‎“我不確定上帝

679
00:40:57,329 --> 00:40:59,623
‎喜歡那種說法

680
00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:02,334
‎‘舔塔可’”

681
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,423
‎說我是瘋子吧，而他是說了

682
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:12,636
‎但那種話聽起來不像基督徒說的話

683
00:41:14,013 --> 00:41:17,892
‎對了，整本《聖經》都沒有提到

684
00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:21,645
‎可以或不可以對塔可做的事

685
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:23,022
‎只是順帶一提

686
00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:30,154
‎要做什麼由你決定，各位朋友

687
00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:33,866
‎蓋瑞也說我們應該被關進惡魔島

688
00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:36,535
‎我不知道他家是不是沒有谷歌

689
00:41:37,495 --> 00:41:41,165
‎但惡魔島監獄已經關一段時間了

690
00:41:41,248 --> 00:41:43,542
‎如果這是他的意思，那不是監獄

691
00:41:43,626 --> 00:41:45,419
‎現在是博物館

692
00:41:46,253 --> 00:41:49,715
‎一間在舊金山的博物館

693
00:41:49,798 --> 00:41:55,012
‎世界上最多同志的城市之一

694
00:41:58,349 --> 00:42:03,229
‎我心想：“蓋瑞的意思是
‎我應該進同志博物館嗎？”

695
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:05,981
‎“蓋瑞，別這樣”

696
00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:09,944
‎“我是開拓者嗎？哎呀，蓋瑞”

697
00:42:11,445 --> 00:42:15,407
‎訊息上方顯示他和我沒有互相追蹤

698
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,284
‎不意外

699
00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:21,539
‎但系統顯示我們都有追蹤某個人

700
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:26,710
‎我心想：“世界上有誰
‎能讓我和蓋瑞達成共識？

701
00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:29,922
‎感覺我們很不一樣”

702
00:42:30,506 --> 00:42:33,509
‎上面寫著：“你們都追蹤

703
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:35,052
‎歐普拉”

704
00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:44,186
‎我得說，我沒想到蓋瑞會喜歡歐普拉

705
00:42:44,853 --> 00:42:47,189
‎但歐普拉就是這麼有名

706
00:42:47,273 --> 00:42:48,440
‎她會搭起溝通的橋樑

707
00:42:50,526 --> 00:42:52,236
‎所以我又讀了一次訊息

708
00:42:52,319 --> 00:42:55,030
‎“妳和妳太太有精神病多久了？

709
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:58,784
‎舔塔可的女同志
‎妳們應該被關進惡魔島”

710
00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:02,329
‎我心想
‎“為什麼我這麼介意這則訊息？”

711
00:43:04,957 --> 00:43:06,917
‎我盯著它看

712
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:08,877
‎“是什麼問題？”

713
00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:10,212
‎然後我赫然發覺

714
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:12,172
‎“我的天啊

715
00:43:12,756 --> 00:43:16,594
‎蓋瑞承認了我的婚姻”

716
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:18,679
‎他寫了

717
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:22,141
‎妳的“太太”

718
00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:26,520
‎這就叫進步

719
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:40,576
‎當然，他的“太太”拼錯了

720
00:43:40,659 --> 00:43:42,620
‎但我知道他想表達什麼

721
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:47,916
‎聽著，很多人抗爭了好多年

722
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,337
‎就是為了讓我這種人能夠說“太太”

723
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:55,549
‎蓋瑞毫不猶豫就說出口了

724
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:59,011
‎如果他知道那則訊息有多進步
‎他的腦袋會爆炸

725
00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:02,389
‎所以這的確是進步，各位朋友

726
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:12,441
‎所以我們結婚了
‎我們跟其他人一樣在家待了一年

727
00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,569
‎我不能巡迴演出工作，感覺很奇怪

728
00:44:15,653 --> 00:44:19,657
‎現在我又開始巡迴了，我現在很感恩

729
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:23,494
‎能夠出來逗大家笑真的很棒

730
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:26,080
‎能夠讓世界輕鬆一些

731
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,582
‎我愛芝加哥，我喜歡來這裡

732
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,459
‎這是我最喜歡的城市之一

733
00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:40,844
‎這次巡迴只有一個城市讓我很緊張

734
00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:42,680
‎那就是德梅因

735
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:47,309
‎上次我去的時候是冬天

736
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,813
‎我忘了中西部一到了冬天

737
00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:52,064
‎大家覺得很冷

738
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:55,067
‎他們會喝得爛醉

739
00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:56,860
‎外面太冷了不能出去

740
00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:58,320
‎沒有別的事可做

741
00:44:58,404 --> 00:45:03,158
‎我到會場，女生們這樣從廁所走出來

742
00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:06,829
‎鞋底黏著衛生紙

743
00:45:06,912 --> 00:45:08,414
‎現在是晚上7點

744
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:12,000
‎晚上的狂歡已經開始了

745
00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:15,587
‎我上台，大家只想狂歡

746
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:19,091
‎他們一杯接一杯地灌，我也喜歡喝

747
00:45:19,174 --> 00:45:20,843
‎但我喜歡的是奶昔

748
00:45:20,926 --> 00:45:21,802
‎我不喝，謝謝

749
00:45:22,636 --> 00:45:25,305
‎他們一直要我喝火球肉桂威士忌

750
00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:26,890
‎他們超愛火球肉桂威士忌

751
00:45:26,974 --> 00:45:29,685
‎我覺得喝起來像一瓶汽油

752
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:32,896
‎裡面放了一塊口香糖

753
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:37,693
‎我說：“不用，謝謝”
‎他們說：“什麼？”

754
00:45:38,193 --> 00:45:39,486
‎“她不喜歡火球！”

755
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:41,238
‎“她不喜歡火球！該死”

756
00:45:41,321 --> 00:45:44,032
‎他們無法理解這件事

757
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:46,285
‎所以現在觀眾只在乎

758
00:45:46,368 --> 00:45:48,704
‎接下來要送什麼酒給我喝

759
00:45:48,787 --> 00:45:51,248
‎“好吧，她不喜歡火球”

760
00:45:51,331 --> 00:45:52,291
‎“好，伏特加！”

761
00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:53,751
‎“對，送過去！”

762
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,420
‎一堆伏特加和蔓越莓汁開始送到台前

763
00:45:56,503 --> 00:45:58,338
‎我說：“我不太喝伏特加”

764
00:45:58,422 --> 00:45:59,465
‎他們說：“什麼？”

765
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:03,218
‎“她不喜歡伏特加
‎可惡，她不喜歡伏特加”

766
00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:07,139
‎“好吧，噢，啤酒！對，送過去”
‎一堆啤酒開始送到台前

767
00:46:07,222 --> 00:46:09,600
‎我說：“我一直不懂啤酒好喝在哪”

768
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,394
‎他們說：“真令人驚訝”

769
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:16,732
‎我知道我看起來像會一口氣灌掉啤酒

770
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:19,318
‎然後用空罐砸額頭

771
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:21,487
‎最後還記得要回收

772
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,577
‎我接過他們傳上來的酒

773
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:31,789
‎又傳回去，我只是讓他們喝更醉

774
00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:35,334
‎他們說：“拜託，我的天啊
‎告訴我們妳都喝什麼

775
00:46:35,417 --> 00:46:38,003
‎不能沒跟我們喝一杯就離開愛荷華”

776
00:46:38,086 --> 00:46:40,506
‎我說：“很怪的規則，但好吧”

777
00:46:41,256 --> 00:46:44,259
‎我努力思考有什麼酒需要花時間準備

778
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,970
‎因為那我就能好好工作，講一些笑話

779
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,056
‎我說：“桑格利亞水果酒”

780
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:54,478
‎我忘了我在哪裡

781
00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:57,272
‎我說：“好吧，古典雞尾酒”

782
00:46:57,356 --> 00:47:00,859
‎我想說他們得去找
‎留著小鬍子的調酒師

783
00:47:00,943 --> 00:47:02,903
‎他得冷凍一大塊冰塊

784
00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:04,988
‎準備苦精，切柳丁…要花點時間

785
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,658
‎兩分鐘後兩杯美麗的古典雞尾酒出現

786
00:47:07,741 --> 00:47:10,744
‎我說：“好吧，這樣你們滿意嗎？”

787
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,330
‎我拿起這杯應該啜飲的酒，然後…

788
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:15,165
‎直接灌了

789
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:17,876
‎他們超興奮

790
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,838
‎別人會以為我剛完成了十項全能競賽

791
00:47:22,756 --> 00:47:24,383
‎大家玩得很開心

792
00:47:24,466 --> 00:47:27,469
‎我繼續表演，大家都在笑，節目很棒

793
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:31,139
‎後來他們又開始焦躁不安
‎我說：“又怎麼了？”

794
00:47:31,723 --> 00:47:35,519
‎我往後面看過去
‎有個年長的女人從人群中走過來

795
00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:38,355
‎她有一頭刺刺的白色短髮

796
00:47:38,438 --> 00:47:42,442
‎臉上有歲月痕跡，好像遇過不少磨難

797
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,654
‎她穿著皮背心

798
00:47:45,737 --> 00:47:48,949
‎我猜她的車上有追夢網

799
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:54,705
‎她很有自信地走向舞台

800
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:57,165
‎她在舞台邊緣停下腳步

801
00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:59,751
‎我看了一眼，看到她手裡拿著

802
00:47:59,835 --> 00:48:01,712
‎一瓶思美洛ICE

803
00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:05,507
‎她看著我，然後說：“嘿

804
00:48:06,049 --> 00:48:07,593
‎我叫琳達

805
00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:12,347
‎妳要被冰了”

806
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,520
‎我拿起那瓶思美洛ICE，說

807
00:48:18,604 --> 00:48:21,899
‎“妳從哪個時光膠囊挖出來的？”

808
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,444
‎我以為大家都會同意那很過時

809
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:26,904
‎他們開始喊

810
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:29,615
‎“被冰！”

811
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:32,743
‎他們不放棄
‎我說：“被冰是什麼意思？”

812
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:35,996
‎我不知道他們在說什麼

813
00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:39,458
‎一個非常可愛的中西部女人站起來
‎她說

814
00:48:39,541 --> 00:48:42,836
‎“被冰是指妳跪下

815
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,213
‎拿起那瓶思美洛ICE

816
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:48,258
‎一口氣喝光

817
00:48:48,342 --> 00:48:50,802
‎那就是被冰”

818
00:48:56,516 --> 00:49:00,979
‎我才不要跪下來

819
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:04,566
‎喝思美洛ICE

820
00:49:04,650 --> 00:49:06,360
‎全場觀眾都在喊

821
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:09,279
‎“這就是規矩！”

822
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:16,036
‎我說：“我是成年女性
‎專業喜劇演員…”

823
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:18,914
‎琳達大吼：“跪下！”

824
00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:23,210
‎“妳要被冰了”

825
00:49:47,025 --> 00:49:49,111
‎所以我下跪了

826
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:52,072
‎我求婚時應該要這樣的

827
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:57,202
‎然後我開始灌超難喝的思美洛ICE

828
00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:01,957
‎噁心的麥芽酒滴在我臉上

829
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:06,003
‎又黏又噁心，我的高級開襟衫毀了

830
00:50:06,628 --> 00:50:10,132
‎大家瘋了，觀眾瘋了，我就…

831
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,802
‎我終於喝完了

832
00:50:18,432 --> 00:50:19,474
‎然後我站起來

833
00:50:21,059 --> 00:50:22,477
‎不知道為何

834
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:25,480
‎那杯古典雞尾酒…

835
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:30,569
‎還有那瓶思美洛ICE…

836
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:34,239
‎還有重力

837
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:36,742
‎加起來不太妙

838
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,578
‎我立刻視線模糊

839
00:50:40,078 --> 00:50:41,830
‎我沒把笑話講完

840
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:44,124
‎我沒說晚安

841
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:47,127
‎我只是看著觀眾說

842
00:50:47,627 --> 00:50:48,962
‎“是你們害的”

843
00:50:49,755 --> 00:50:51,339
‎然後我離開了

844
00:50:59,389 --> 00:51:01,600
‎在後台昏倒

845
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:06,396
‎兩小時後我在公關的車上醒來

846
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:10,108
‎我醒來，說：“我怎麼會在這裡？”

847
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:14,613
‎她說：“嗯，三名超高大的警衛
‎把妳抬了出來”

848
00:51:16,656 --> 00:51:19,076
‎我說：“我可沒要求”

849
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,537
‎“而且兩個人抬就夠了”

850
00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:25,165
‎我說：“不，怎麼回事？”

851
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,042
‎她說：“妳被冰了

852
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:31,213
‎不知道是因為那瓶酒
‎還是因為妳喝了兩種酒”

853
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:32,923
‎我說：“我要離開德梅因！”

854
00:51:35,675 --> 00:51:38,804
‎她想發動車子，車子發不起來

855
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:42,390
‎我說：“天啊，我不要困在德梅因”

856
00:51:42,474 --> 00:51:44,476
‎外面超冷，很晚了

857
00:51:44,559 --> 00:51:46,770
‎沒有優步可以叫，我的飛機要飛走了

858
00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:48,105
‎我被人冰了

859
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:52,859
‎我只想離開
‎然後我聽到俱樂部的門被甩開

860
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:54,152
‎我看過去

861
00:51:55,487 --> 00:51:56,696
‎琳達來了

862
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,829
‎她來到車旁

863
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:06,206
‎“妳們好嗎？”

864
00:52:08,542 --> 00:52:10,085
‎我說：“嘿，琳達”

865
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:17,050
‎我努力不看她的眼睛

866
00:52:17,843 --> 00:52:21,054
‎因為我不知道她的捕夢網有什麼魔力

867
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:26,977
‎我說：“琳達，我們的車發動不了
‎但我們沒事，不用管我們

868
00:52:27,060 --> 00:52:28,854
‎謝謝妳過來，晚安”

869
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:31,940
‎她看了我一眼，然後…

870
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:34,526
‎對我眨眼

871
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,320
‎走到車子後面

872
00:52:37,904 --> 00:52:39,656
‎打開油箱

873
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,494
‎在油箱裡吐口水

874
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:47,289
‎然後我離開了德梅因

875
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,463
‎噢，琳達

876
00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:03,180
‎我已經結婚兩年了

877
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:07,350
‎很棒，我喜歡

878
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:11,897
‎就像所有新婚的人
‎我們一直被問那個問題

879
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:14,774
‎大家都想知道我們要不要生小孩

880
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:17,944
‎各位父母
‎你們讓那件事看起來不好玩

881
00:53:19,154 --> 00:53:21,489
‎你們的眼神都黯淡無光

882
00:53:22,490 --> 00:53:23,950
‎所以我們現在只有養狗

883
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,660
‎這是我們的選擇

884
00:53:25,744 --> 00:53:27,871
‎未來再說吧

885
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:32,083
‎但我們有隻叫大大的小博美犬

886
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,419
‎好可愛

887
00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:37,130
‎他很小隻，3.6公斤

888
00:53:37,214 --> 00:53:39,007
‎很開心，很健康的小狗

889
00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:41,843
‎但是牠突然得了出血性腸炎

890
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,179
‎狗如果得了這種病

891
00:53:44,262 --> 00:53:46,473
‎會從超級健康又沒事的狀態

892
00:53:46,556 --> 00:53:48,225
‎突然病得超重

893
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:49,434
‎而且可能會致命

894
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:51,811
‎發病速度很快，大概48小時

895
00:53:51,895 --> 00:53:54,481
‎獸醫不知道為什麼狗會得這種病

896
00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:59,736
‎他們說可能是因為吃了什麼或是壓力

897
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:04,074
‎我說：“人道協會發現大大時
‎牠在找垃圾吃

898
00:54:04,157 --> 00:54:06,952
‎現在牠走在比佛利山莊街頭

899
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:09,204
‎在我太太的名牌包裡兜風

900
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:13,375
‎牠才沒有壓力”

901
00:54:16,044 --> 00:54:18,713
‎他的食物比我的貴

902
00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:21,716
‎他沒有壓力

903
00:54:23,009 --> 00:54:26,638
‎所以我們不知道牠為什麼會生病

904
00:54:26,721 --> 00:54:29,266
‎但病徵開始出現

905
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:32,435
‎在我們正要從洛杉磯飛到紐約時

906
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:35,605
‎飛行時間五個半小時
‎每個小時牠的狀況都明顯惡化

907
00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:36,815
‎我們什麼都做不了

908
00:54:36,898 --> 00:54:39,734
‎我們降落了
‎花了一個小時才開到紐約市

909
00:54:39,818 --> 00:54:41,653
‎我們直接去了動物醫院

910
00:54:41,736 --> 00:54:43,655
‎賈克斯帶牠去檢查室

911
00:54:43,738 --> 00:54:45,991
‎我填了一堆文件

912
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,743
‎跟我小時候養寵物的經驗完全不同

913
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:53,123
‎以前狗會睡在家裡，睡在外面
‎睡在鄰居家

914
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:56,793
‎牠會消失兩天後突然出現
‎你會說：“史巴奇，你去哪了？”

915
00:54:57,877 --> 00:55:01,047
‎狗會吃奶奶丟過圍欄的剩餘食物

916
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:02,424
‎餐廳打包的食物

917
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,763
‎如果你的狗突然需要動大手術

918
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,890
‎你的父母會直接說

919
00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:13,184
‎“史巴奇，謝謝你過去的陪伴”

920
00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:15,603
‎就這樣

921
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,814
‎但現在我就是大人

922
00:55:17,897 --> 00:55:20,483
‎我必須做這些決定

923
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:24,070
‎所以我填了所有資料
‎我已經45分鐘沒看到大大

924
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:26,281
‎所以我不知道牠現在狀況怎樣

925
00:55:26,364 --> 00:55:29,784
‎但我知道一件事

926
00:55:30,285 --> 00:55:34,080
‎是時候挺身而出

927
00:55:34,164 --> 00:55:37,751
‎成為我的家人的守護者了

928
00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:41,671
‎是時候讓我拿出

929
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,006
‎男子氣概

930
00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:47,927
‎這是我的洛基時刻，我打自己的臉

931
00:55:48,803 --> 00:55:50,847
‎我會做伏地挺身，但我做不到

932
00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:56,019
‎我準備好上場
‎準備好強悍地走進那個房間

933
00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:58,688
‎我走進那個房間，大大躺在地上

934
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,149
‎到處都是血，牠惡化很多

935
00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:02,859
‎我整個失控，我開始…

936
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,489
‎不！

937
00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:11,034
‎賈克斯說：“出去！妳讓士氣很低落”

938
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:16,623
‎我被趕出去！

939
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:20,668
‎我被迫站在玻璃門後面

940
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:26,091
‎盯著家人看

941
00:56:27,342 --> 00:56:31,221
‎然後我終於冷靜下來
‎因為護士給了我一根棒棒糖

942
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,643
‎我很沮喪，對自己很失望

943
00:56:36,726 --> 00:56:40,688
‎我連三分鐘都沒辦法冷靜

944
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:41,856
‎但那不是我

945
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:47,445
‎我是巨蟹座，我很敏感
‎我無法改變這一點

946
00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,448
‎所以我在大廳等到凌晨4點

947
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:54,452
‎賈克斯來了，醫生帶走大大
‎牠身上接了一堆管線

948
00:56:54,536 --> 00:56:57,414
‎獸醫終於出來了，他找我們談

949
00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:00,375
‎他說：“聽著，狀況很糟

950
00:57:00,458 --> 00:57:02,752
‎牠的存活率大概是5％

951
00:57:02,836 --> 00:57:05,797
‎我們會盡全力搶救

952
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:09,634
‎但如果要救，牠必須住院三、四天

953
00:57:09,717 --> 00:57:10,718
‎全天候照顧

954
00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:13,555
‎必須輸血，輸血漿

955
00:57:13,638 --> 00:57:16,850
‎而且我們無法保證會成功

956
00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:19,436
‎但若要救救看

957
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,564
‎至少需要

958
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,484
‎一萬美元

959
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:30,113
‎妳們想怎麼做？”

960
00:57:52,594 --> 00:57:56,181
‎賈克斯說：“一萬美元？我是老師

961
00:57:56,264 --> 00:57:58,183
‎那是我一整年的薪水”

962
00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:01,227
‎我說：“一萬美元？

963
00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:05,190
‎牠才3.6公斤，能需要多少血漿？

964
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:08,610
‎不能跟松鼠擠一個籠子就好嗎？”

965
00:58:10,820 --> 00:58:12,906
‎獸醫說：“請妳們決定”，我就…

966
00:58:14,824 --> 00:58:18,161
‎賈克斯什麼都沒說
‎所以顯然必須由我做出抉擇

967
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:19,245
‎我心想…

968
00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:22,790
‎“我爸媽會怎麼做？不，別想那個”

969
00:58:25,752 --> 00:58:28,046
‎賈克斯越來越難過，我就…

970
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:37,680
‎所以我拿出我的男士皮夾…

971
00:58:42,143 --> 00:58:44,354
‎然後拿出我的信用卡…

972
00:58:46,022 --> 00:58:48,107
‎然後把它摔在桌上

973
00:58:48,983 --> 00:58:50,318
‎我說：“刷吧”

974
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:53,530
‎然後我看著賈克斯

975
00:58:54,364 --> 00:58:57,283
‎直盯她的眼睛，我說

976
00:58:57,367 --> 00:59:00,620
‎“妳覺得達琳做得到嗎？

977
00:59:02,539 --> 00:59:03,831
‎不行！”

978
00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:09,295
‎“潘沒錢”

979
00:59:10,797 --> 00:59:14,592
‎“席拉的信用評分很低”

980
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:17,554
‎誰有男子氣概？

981
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:19,847
‎我有男子氣概

982
00:59:30,483 --> 00:59:36,114
‎最棒的是，他們成功把大大救活了

983
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:47,500
‎各位，這是大大

984
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:55,216
‎每一分錢都很值得

985
00:59:57,010 --> 01:00:01,014
‎請掌聲歡迎我太太賈克斯

986
01:00:15,820 --> 01:00:17,447
‎我的表演結束了

987
01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:19,991
‎感謝大家

988
01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:23,870
‎謝謝你們

989
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,290
‎謝謝芝加哥

990
01:00:32,211 --> 01:00:33,504
‎你看

991
01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:38,009
‎晚安，謝謝大家

992
01:02:44,302 --> 01:02:49,307
‎字幕翻譯：楊雅筑