Downloaded from YTS.MX
(♪♪♪)
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
(♪♪♪)
♪ You and me, we're not the same ♪
♪ I am a sinner, you are a saint ♪
♪ When we get to the pearly gates ♪
♪ You'll get the green light
♪ I'll get the...
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
♪ Doo, doo, doo
♪ I'm a loser in this game
♪ I'll find love in the strangest place ♪
♪ Tied up and branded, lost in a daze ♪
♪ I say I'm gonna stage a great escape ♪
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
♪ Doo, doo, doo
♪ I'm a loser in this game
Okay, you know what to do.
Just smile, nod, and keep your mouth shut.
That's it. Just keep your mouth shut.
Don't say anything, you know,
unless you have a really good idea.
And then, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Fuck you. Don't talk.
Keep your mouth shut. Nod, smile, and be chill.
Be chill and blend in. Okay?
You've got this. This is your day.
You good?
So good.
Want to grab a coffee on our way to work?
Fuck yeah.
(SIGHS) Fuck yeah.
No, listen, Whitney, they want me
to sit in on the meeting.
Honestly, I think they're gonna promote me.
Already?
But you've only been there a week.
It's such a great company and everybody there loves me.
Aren't you an intern?
Yes, but I'm a paid intern, okay?
Not a regular intern. It's very different.
That's great, but I'm just
worried you're getting ahead of yourself again.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This time feels different, okay?
And I'll have rent money for you by Friday.
Or you know, if not, you know this Friday,
then-- then next Friday.
I guess the 15th is the new first.
You're such a good friend, really.
And very soon you won't have to cover me anymore.
Honestly, that's a huge relief.
My preschool teacher salary is more of an allowance
as opposed to a--
Aren't you gonna be late for work?
Shit, fuck, yes!
Try not to, you know?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Be so, you know?
Yeah, I know.
Hey, how's the hat?
Bold.
Perfect.
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
(♪♪♪)
This is going to be a fantastic partnership.
So Uber, acquiring our assets,
is gonna allow our print division to expand.
Hmm.
(APPLAUSE)
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry, did you have something to say?
-Me? -Yeah.
Uh...
Yeah. Yeah, fuck it.
Listen, we're an independent magazine,
unobstructed by the agendas of major corporations.
Uber is one of the biggest abusers
of human rights in the world,
and they value shareholder profits over ethics
and journalistic integrity.
So, to partner with a company like that, sir, would be
absolutely disgusting.
And honestly, fucking ridiculous.
Thank you for your honesty.
Sure.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Really? Again?
Wasn't my fault this time.
Orson's in there.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON LAPTOP)
Oh my God!
Oh, fuck, Ruby, what the fuck?
Me, what the fuck?
You, what the fuck?
I'm at work and you're here
sitting on my bed, on my laptop,
jerking off to some fake lesbians?
They're real lesbians.
Couldn't you have just waited until I got home?
I mean, it's not like we don't bone
all the goddamn time.
I even have a Costco membership just for the condoms.
You also like the samples.
No, you like the samples.
Whatever, Ruby!
Sometimes guys just need to do their own thing, okay?
We're visual creatures.
Well, so are women.
I mean, I'm a visual creature.
You never want to watch porn.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm not super into watching female sexuality exist
for the sole purpose of pleasing a man.
There's other types.
There's fake taxi driver, fake bus driver.
-What? -There's step sister,
there's step cousin, girl on granny.
Orson, you need to get a real job.
I have a real job.
Indie filmmaker is not a real job.
Try telling that to Steven Soderbergh.
-Who? -Traffic,
Contagion, Ocean's Twelve.
Is this because I wouldn't do anal with you?
What? No.
Because you know I would. I told you I would.
It's just that I have that nightmare.
Yes, I know, I know.
It was stuck in you.
It's a thing that can happen.
It's happened to people I know.
Not about the anal, Ruby.
God, you're just so close-minded.
I once did blow off Frances McDormand's tits.
That waitress from Applebee's?
It was Frances.
Look, when it comes to sex, you're a little uptight.
You are.
You know that when we do it, you count until it's over?
Well, I stopped counting out loud.
Ugh, do you even hear yourself?
Sorry, Ruby, but you're just not fun.
-I'm not fun? -No.
(SIGHS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Ow! What the fuck?
My mony!
Please, everybody knows that it's fake.
ORSON: Yeah, and it was fucking expensive!
Have fun with your fake ponytail,
and your fake lesbians, and your butt sex.
They are real lesb-
(SIGHS)
-WHITNEY: Ruby? -RUBY: What?
Shit.
Uh, mom, dad, hi. What are you doing here?
And together.
I haven't seen you guys in the same room
since the divorce.
How about the four of us go grab a bite to eat?
Oh no, who has cancer?
I just have a question about the lesbians.
No one's dying unless I finally murder your father.
Still have a question.
(SIGHS)
(CUTLERY CLINKING)
-Like I said, that was good. -Yes, very.
-Yeah, yeah. -It was really good.
Okay, I can't take it anymore.
Just tell me what's going on.
Your dad and I have decided to stop giving you money.
No, no, but I just got fired.
-Again? -You lost your job
and your boyfriend all in one day.
That's gotta be some kind of record.
-Thanks, dad. -I'm just saying,
you were a little hard on your boyfriend.
I mean, I'm not crazy about the ponytail,
but he did make some solid points.
The door was a little bit wide open.
You know, Ruby, porn's not that bad.
You gotta understand something about guys' minds.
We like movies. Wanna see ‘em?
-Dad. -Ron.
I'm just being honest.
It's nature.
I just don't wanna see you single forever.
You've gotten very close-minded.
Close-minded?
Did you not hear me say that I once snorted blow off--
-Yes, I did hear that. -The waitress from Applebee's.
She wasn't a waitress.
Ron, don't you need to use the restroom?
No, I did before I came.
-Oh, oh, yeah, I do. -Yeah, uh-huh.
Your father and I are very worried about you.
I don't like to hear about you doing cocaine.
You know, drugs will age you faster than suntans.
I know, I know, but it was just that one time, mom, so.
That night was so crazy, though.
It was. The one and only time I did cocaine.
That was funny. The one and only time.
Sweetie, it's time to start being more responsible.
You have to think about your future,
and you-- you need to get a job.
And you know, keep it.
I know. I know.
But I really am trying, mom.
Good. So where are you trying next?
Well, I mean, I would love to work
for a place like The Sophisticate.
That has to be one of the biggest
publications in the world.
The problem is
I unfortunately have no marketable skills
and basically, zero resume.
Oh, that's not true.
You were junior class president and you were published.
When I was 17.
Yeah, but that has to account for something.
-It doesn't. -She's right, it doesn't.
RON: Tampons.
25 cents in there if you want to stock up.
(DEB SIGHS)
Were you in the women's room, Ron?
No, it's a bi-bathroom.
Uh, pan, fluid.
I got a little something for you ladies.
Oh no, dad, no, no, no, no, no.
It's alright. Just a little present.
-Be alright. -Thanks, Ron.
Sure. Are you? Oh, yeah, yeah.
-No. -I forgot.
-Yeah, so you could-- -(GASPS)
What? Oh, no, no.
I was thinking about something else.
That's weird.
Check, please.
(♪♪♪)
-(EXHALES) -(PHONE RINGING)
Hi, I'm looking for a job.
(KEYS CLICKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hi there. I'm looking for a job.
(SCRUNCHES)
Well, I've never worked in a pizzeria,
so I thought, give ‘em a call.
No, I uh-- I don't.
(♪♪♪)
Hi there. I'm looking for a job.
Are you sure you're 12, because you play
like you're fucking 6?
Hi, I'm looking for a job.
I would stay away from your windows
if I were you, because I am going to swat you.
Any job, I don't care.
No, I don't care.
I'm gonna find out where you live.
I'm gonna come to your house.
I'm gonna fuck your dad and give him a child
he's actually proud of.
Fucking pubeless wonder.
BOY 1: (ON VOICE CHAT) Fuck you!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
In an hour?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm, absolutely.
I'll be there.
Okay.
Fuck!
(JEAN TUTTING)
Hm, hm.
There's nothing on the back.
See that.
Well, with the looks of it,
you don't take your future very seriously.
What? Why would you say that?
You have no real work experience worth mentioning.
Well, no, for six months, I worked--
(JEAN STUTTERS)
Like I said, none worth mentioning.
Well, I've been published.
-Yes, I see that. -Okay.
Well, I have a ton of life experience.
Sounds like a very nice way of saying that you're poor.
Yeah, I am pretty poor.
Okay.
(CLICKING KEYS)
Hm, okay.
Are you one of these open-minded girls?
Definitely.
Well, I don't know how this is possible,
but I have a job for you.
Really? That-- that's amazing.
That's great. What is it?
The last temp that I sent there got shot.
-Where? -In the head.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry. What company is this for?
Doesn't really matter.
Alright, I have sent you the address.
You are already late, so you need to go.
Go? Like go now?
Yes, now. Go! Come on.
Go, up, go.
Okay, good luck.
(♪♪♪)
(SIGHS)
(EXHALES)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(WHIRS)
How's it going?
(♪♪♪)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(ELEVATOR DOOR WHIRRING)
(CLICKING BUTTONS)
You didn't tell me it was for porn.
You said you were one of these open-minded girls.
Well, I am. Ish.
JEAN: (ON PHONE) Listen, if you are going
to be difficult about assignments,
then we cannot work together.
Besides, it is a publishing house.
You should be thanking me.
It's just one day?
Yeah, it's just one day.
Okay, I gotta run.
Very busy.
(BREATHS)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)
Oh, yay.
You're back. Welcome.
You must be the new temp, I can tell.
That's me.
Any problems being around dildos?
No, I'm around them all the time.
Great.
RUBY: Oh my God.
Are these returns?
Or are they props?
They're so gross.
(♪♪♪)
Is that?
No. No.
Baby Jesus?
Um, ew, ew.
What the fuck is this?
(♪♪♪)
FERRETTI: Sizemore.
Troubles at home?
Or are you just perusing the articles?
Did you get the steaks?
Japanese.
They pound the fuck out of them for weeks.
I prefer fish.
How about a bourbon?
That shit's older than me.
You know what today is?
-Wednesday? -It's six months
from when we last had this conversation.
It's a stress boob.
For stress.
Seems to be a lot of that going on around here.
It's ironic.
You know, because this place normally helps relieve.
Never mind.
Yeah, I get it.
Look, Spread's been around longer than you've been alive.
We've survived stock market crashes,
the Evangelicals, 17 bomb threats,
and Reagan.
And yet here we are, burning money.
I need a good reason to keep this financial disaster going.
Fuck that.
Spread is a legacy.
Do you have any idea how many
pimply-faced kids were jerking off
to my magazine while I was creating an empire?
-I was one of them. -Ah!
And that is the only reason
that we are sitting here talking.
Have you ever heard of Ättestupa?
What is this, a quiz?
It was a Viking tradition.
When a person became a burden on their community.
Well, they would relinquish themselves.
And when they didn't do it voluntarily
Well, they were pushed off a cliff.
It was kindness really.
That way they didn't have to suffer the indignity
of being a drain on everyone,
while everything they ever worked for
was stripped away from them.
Give me until the luau.
(SIGHS)
Is that the shitty costume party I have to pay for?
Seems like you could use a lay.
Fuck.
Okay, until the luau.
And you know what?
If your numbers are up by then, and I mean way, way the fuck up,
then maybe you'll get to have another one next year.
And if not?
I'm not jumping off the cliff.
I know.
Sometimes people need a little push.
(♪♪♪)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER IN BACKGROUND)
RUBY: Come on.
(GRUNTS)
You-- you know there's a green room for talent.
-Talent? -For the actress.
-You think I'm a porn star? -No, no, no.
-Definitely not a star. -Well, why?
Because you don't recognize me?
Well, that and because you don't have the body for it.
Wow. Okay. Thank you.
-It wasn't a compliment. -Yeah, I know.
I'm Ruby, I'm the temp.
Oh, uh, tough times, huh?
No. You're so wrong.
In fact, things have never been better for me.
Yeah, I'm actually starting a really big job tomorrow, so...
Oh, really? Where?
Well, it's that little place
that you may or may not have heard of
called “the Sophisticate”.
Never heard of it.
Okay, well, you're literally the only one.
-What do you do here? -I'm the art director.
Oh, that's amazing.
-Art. -Cute.
Hope your big Sophisticate job over there feeds you,
because this isn't a good look.
You're not from around here.
No, no, I'm not.
I'm Ruby. I'm just the temp for today.
Who are you?
Hank.
And what do you do here, Hank?
I'm the editor of the Pussy Quest page.
Real women send me photos of their vaginas every week
and I pick a winner.
Winner gets cash and their pussy on the site.
Neat.
-(GASPS) -Oh, you scared me.
Hi.
I'm Ruby.
I'm the temp, and um-- and I'm a diabetic,
which is why I took so many snacks.
It's not just because I'm poor and have no money.
You look like an angel.
Oh, well, I assure you I'm not.
What's your name?
Oh, Nelson.
Your hair is so slippery-looking.
Like greasy?
Like a baby doll.
Oh, well, thank you.
You're very welcome.
(♪♪♪)
Oh my God.
Who are you?
Prudence!
Why is there a girl here?
I'm Ruby, I'm the temp.
You're a temp, okay.
Won't bother memorizing your name then.
Really? It's just two syllables.
Ruby.
You'll be reporting to me.
I'm basically your supervisor, so take my coffee black.
Oh, unfortunately, I was told to do a dildo inventory.
I'm basically the unofficial official features editor here.
Do you have a name or is it just unofficial official?
You talk too much.
Okay, my name is Leslie,
but you can refer to me as Mr. McDumack.
Oh, Leslie.
Leslie, like the girl's name, Leslie?
(CHUCKLES) You are just so ignorant, aren't you?
-Am I? -Yeah.
Before you embarrass yourself any further,
you should know that Leslie is actually a Scottish surname.
-Wow. -And up until the 1940s,
it was most commonly a man's name.
Oh, wow. Such a great story.
So it's an old man's name then?
-I don't like you. -Well, lucky for you,
you won't have to see me after today.
Good. This feature goes live tomorrow.
Check all the grammar.
If there's any errors, it's on you.
Hey, hey, hey. Unofficial, official.
Mr. McDumack.
Okay, cool. Whatever.
Is Spread just a porno site and magazine?
Excuse me? No, Spread is
the longest-running pornography website magazine.
Do people even read magazines anymore?
Do you guys have an app?
I feel like everybody watches porn on their phone.
I mean, I would watch porn on my phone if I watched porn.
Yeah, ‘cause that's what people want,
a porno app on their phone when they're showing pictures
of their family vacation to their coworkers.
RUBY: Well, obviously it shouldn't look like a porno app.
It should look like a-- a navigation app or something
and be password-protected.
Are you guys on social media?
How's your TikTok?
Instagram?
Twitter?
Yikes.
I just feel like an app
and some good social media presence
could really turn this place around.
Listen, temp, okay, whatever your name is.
Ruby.
You're being pretty disrespectful to me right now.
And If Mr. Ferretti heard you, wouldn't go over so well.
Mr. Ferretti did hear you.
I'm really sorry you had to hear that, sir.
I was actually just going to fire her, so.
Dry cleaning, post office, and a car wash.
And no game stop field trips.
I know what the odometer reads.
Sir. It's-- it's pizza taco day.
Sir, I'm so sorry if I offended you.
I really have no idea what I'm talking about.
It's true, sir. She doesn't know anything.
You sound like you do.
So go ahead and do it.
-Do what? -Make Spread an app.
-What? -Oh, no, no, sir.
I'm-- I'm just here for the one day
and I don't really have a tech background to do that.
Well, then you're just
gonna have to work here for more than a day.
Nelson will help with the tech.
Put together a pitch, you have a week.
Uh, uh, uh, sir,
I just really think if anybody should
be making the app, it should be me.
You know, not some girl temp.
Then who will do my errands?
(KEYS JINGLES)
Chop-chop.
(♪♪♪)
♪ Hey, hey, shorty, you gotta pay attention ♪
♪ And even try when you do
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
Yeah, I get it.
But no, no way.
I can't work there, I'm a feminist.
What does being a feminist have to do with it?
Well, I don't know, because, you know--
thank you. Spread is disgusting.
-Uh-huh. -It's a bunch of women
being dominated and degraded by men.
-It's horrible. -I look at Spread sometimes.
I'm sorry, what?
Yeah.
I mean, it's not the best porn, but what kind of psychopath
spends time looking for the best porn?
Wow, okay.
You need experience on your resume.
I do, but I'm not sure how many doors
chief dildo organizer will open.
Start with the app.
I don't know how to make an app.
Just research and delegate
like when you were class president.
No, no, I don't want to research porn
and I definitely don't want to
encourage other people to watch it.
You know, everyone with a phone has access to porn.
You can't stop people from watching it,
but you can make the porn that you want to watch.
Change the porn industry from the inside out.
Now that's feminist.
This is coming from the preschool teacher.
I also can't afford to cover your rent.
Oh, okay. Fair enough.
(CHEERS)
(♪♪♪)
♪ Tell me your fears
♪ Okay, it's everyone here
(BLOWS)
♪ And all of their pets
♪ And the chandeliers and the cigarettes ♪
♪ I am smoking here
(SIGHS)
♪ I can understand the sound
♪ Oh, oh
♪ I can understand the taste
♪ Oh, oh
♪ I can understand the smell of it all ♪
(CLICKING MOUSE)
Why?
Aren't you supposed to be
at your big fancy Sophisticate job?
Yeah. Well, they said I can start whenever I want.
-Right. -Right, right.
(LEXI HUMMING)
Hi. Oh my God, a girl!
How cute!
You're a little hottie.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I heard that nerds like to be called “hotties”,
because it helps them feel more revelant.
-Hi. -Relevant I think is the word.
Anyways, I just came to show off my new tattoo.
It's an arrow pointing down to my cute little pussy.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, please.
-Are you sure? -I don't need to see it,
keep your clothes on. Yeah.
Thank you, thank you for offering.
Very sweet, very kind of you.
Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
This whole place, it can take a minute.
-Yeah. -You're gonna love it here.
Oh, yeah, sure.
(BOTH LAUGHS)
It's funny.
There you are.
Do you think maybe we could put a bell on you?
I was the Los Alamos Hide and Seek World Champion
three years running.
That's a thing?
I could find you anywhere.
Well, right now I'm just sitting at my desk.
So, no real skill required.
So, um, what do you do here anyway?
I.T.
But I can code.
Oh, okay.
Well, it sounds like
you and I will be working together then.
What's wrong? Are you okay?
Why are you crying?
Just so happy.
Oh.
(CRIES)
(FILING NAILS)
Am I interrupting something?
Well, yeah.
The Analingus Part Three isn't gonna sell itself.
Oh, isn't it, though?
(SCOFFS) What do you want?
I'm just curious what an art director
for a porno site does.
You really want to know?
No, I just came here for the manicures.
I'm responsible for the visual style and images.
I help with the artwork, and layout,
and I create the overall design.
Hm. But what does that mean in the context of Spread?
Well, come here, take a look.
I don't want to. Okay.
Oh, wow.
You ready for this?
Sure.
-Alright, here we go. -(PRESS KEY)
This is what I've been working on.
Step-Daughter Orgy.
-How festive. -Isn't it, though?
The color scheme, composition, layout, et cetera.
I'm in charge of all that.
That's a pretty big job.
Yeah, I'm hot shit.
(CHUCKLES) In the incestuous orgy world maybe.
So how did you end up here anyway?
Well, look, this place clearly isn't great,
but it's also not forever.
Readership is plummeting.
And while the ship is sinking,
I'm enjoying complete creative control.
No one lording over my layout designs or asking me
to use shitty Comic Sans or Times New Roman.
I'm sorry, was that a font joke?
No, I never joke about fonts.
(LAUGHS)
Enough show and tell.
You better get back to your digital strategy,
because I hear Forever 21 is having a hiring freeze.
Ooh, okay.
Well, I will let you get back to your beauty routine.
Although, I would recommend backing off the tweezing.
They're getting a bit thin.
Uh, bye now.
Bye.
She don't know what she talking about.
FERRETTI: I have a theme for the next issue.
Foot fetishes.
We haven't had a good old fashioned
foot fetish feature since August of 2009.
Personally, feet scare the bejesus out of me.
But a lot of men like them, so what the hell?
Who wants to pitch me an idea about foot fetishes?
No idea is a bad idea.
Chicks getting naughty pedicures.
(CLEARS THROAT) What?
Uh, chicks getting naughty pedicures.
That's a terrible fucking stupid idea.
Obviously, they'd have the drugs out. (CHUCKLES)
We can do a cross promotion with Vajankles.
Get some mad dollars from them.
Vajankles, that's perfect.
Thomas, set up a photo shoot.
A Vajankle is a rubber foot,
but where the ankle should be, there's a vagina.
It's surprisingly lifelike.
Hank, what are readers telling us?
I'm getting a lot of questions about our new terminology.
They can't keep up.
Bone-zone, landsharks, handcestors.
Handcestors are all the ancestors never born
due to male masturbation.
Analingus.
-Analingus -I know that one.
Kentucky tractor puller.
(SIGHS)
-Okay, what is it? -The act of running around
a room while engaged in anal sex.
The unicorn.
Ejaculating into long hair and then--
-That's just stupid. -Skittles harvest.
A man consumes enough Skittles--
Okay, enough!
Well, there's something for everyone.
Leslie, how about you head up our new terminology department?
Like a constantly-evolving sex dictionary.
Uh, can I get another assignment?
Because that kind of sounds like secretary work.
-No, no. -I actually have this--
this badass feature idea about wind surfing
-that I fucking love. -No. Sex dictionary.
You'll be our little Merriam Webster.
Merriam?
That's-- that's totally a chick's name.
Well, you do have a girl's name, so.
Eat dick, bro-hard.
It's unbelievable.
Out of a 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest one.
(LAUGHS)
You too fucking already or what?
(TOGETHER) No.
-Uh, new girl. -Hmm.
How is your pitch coming for the whole app-a-majig?
It's pretty good.
I mean, right now we're just trying to
nail down the user interface.
Well, sounds like the future.
Actually, I'm just trying to catch us up to the present.
Right.
Anyway, we have half an hour to brainstorm
all the ways we can highlight Vajankles.
Then lunchtime.
NELSON: It's soup taco day.
Get a napkin.
(TYPING)
(♪♪♪)
I love the way you text.
Personal space, Nelson.
-We should work on the app. -Okay.
Yo, girl temp and uh, nerd, find it really hard to believe
you know what you're doing. Did you even go to college?
I graduated with honors from UC Berkeley.
Great.
So what are you, like some sort of hippie feminist?
(CHUCKLES)
You know what happened to the last girl that worked there?
You mean the girl that got shot?
She got shot? Where?
-In the head. -In the head.
Well, she probably fucking deserved it.
Nelson, you're with me. I'm starving, let's go.
-Nelson! -Okay.
(SIGHS)
(♪♪♪)
RUBY: Hank?
No one's here.
Well, I was just hoping
I could talk to you for a second.
Okay, shoot.
I'm trying to tie in social media with the app,
and I was wondering if you ever use social media
for Pussy Quest.
What do you think?
Probably not.
But if it's okay with you, I was thinking I could set up
Pussy Quest accounts on all the major socials,
and it could really drive some serious traffic to your page.
If that's something you'd be interested in.
Okay, sure. Go ahead.
Cool, great.
Well, then I'll draft up some mock accounts
and I'll run them by you.
Hey, do you need help reading that?
-Nope. -What is that?
Is that fan mail?
Nah, some of it.
Most of it's just incoherent ramblings
of crazy men.
-Letters to the editor. -Hm.
I try to respond to the ones that make sense,
publish a few, and just toss the rest away.
What do they say?
Depends.
Most of these guys are in prison
or stationed on some military base.
They're typically writing back to a specific woman.
Or they're nuts.
The rest are just too backwards to understand
how to make the internet work.
Overall,
just a bunch of ignorant lonely dudes.
Well, it sounds kind of sad.
Does this sound sad to you?
“Dear Shannon, I want to slap my dick
on your forehead while you finger yourself.”
No, that sounds straightforward.
Moral of the story here is,
there are not a bunch of thinkers in our fan base.
So you might want to keep that in mind
when you're building this little app thingy.
Don't make it too complicated.
That's good advice. Thank you, Hank.
Yeah, hey,
don't let those shit-for-brains out there rattle you.
Stay strong.
(CHUCKLES)
PRUDENCE: Xtasy's here!
Xtasy, it's so wonderful to see you.
XTASY: Oh.
(SMOOCHES)
Does Postmates deliver ecstasy now?
-Not this Xtasy. -What does that mean?
You're gonna learn today.
Oh, it's the blonde lady.
Got it.
I do hope you have the bubbly waiting for me.
Of course.
Oh, is this another one of your little rescues?
Right, we have a new girl.
Huh, did you make a wrong turn?
Accounting is on the first floor.
(FERRETTI CHCUKLES)
Ruby, I'd like you to meet Xtasy.
She's a very famous agent.
Oh, well, you must be so proud of your girls.
What was that?
You must be so proud of--
Ruby, come with us to set
for a behind-the-scenes experience.
I would, but I just have so much work to do.
-Chop-chop. -Okay, yeah.
♪ A-yai, yai, yai
♪ Let the money show up looking like that ♪
♪ A-yai, yai, yai
♪ Every time I look at you, you make me wanna clap ♪
XTASY: Okay.
Great. Let's get started.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
And as you know, this is part three
of our esteemed series, Analingus.
So really go for it, girls.
(CLICKS PICTURES)
♪ Every time I look at you, you make me wanna clap ♪
♪ A-yai, yai, yai
♪ You make me wanna clap, a-yai, yai, yai ♪
XTASY: Alright, girls, let's get to it.
I've got a 4:00 cryogenic session.
Lexi's ass isn't going to eat itself.
Oh, no, wow.
You okay over there?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm uh-- I'm doing great.
Sugar, I'm just gonna come out and say it
I think you're better suited for a job where you--
I don't know, make soap or fold cardigans.
Uh-huh. Well, that's your opinion.
And it's a pretty good one, too.
Ladies, you're killing the mood.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we disturbing the master at work?
Okay, girls, come on. Let's get to it.
(GIRLS MOANING, CHUCKLES)
Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay.
(MOUTHS) When is it over?
♪ Hey, hey, hey
Oh, yeah.
To all my wonderful people, another great shoot.
Absolutely!
(CHEER)
Hey, hottie.
Oh, hi. Hi, Lexi.
You look like you didn't have any fun today.
Oh, no, no, I did. I did.
It's-- you know, I learned a lot.
Oh, good.
It's just, uh, is Xtasy kind of--
-A bitch? -Yeah.
Yeah, she can be.
But I mean, she's better than the male agents.
She gets it at least.
You know, she used to be talent, so she knows how to protect us.
Wait, Xtasy used to be on camera?
-Mm-hmm. -Wow.
Well, that's interesting.
Speaking of, how did you, you know, get into pornography?
(CHOKES)
Pornography?
(CHUCKLES)
Babe, you're so cute.
Um, I just really like sex.
-Oh. -And attention.
And no, my dad didn't touch me.
Oh, I didn't think--
Oh, everyone always thinks that.
I mean, of course there's girls
in porn, because their creepy uncle
perved out on them, but not me.
I get off on people watching.
Hmm.
And I'm hot as fuck, so why would I waste that
sitting in an office all day?
Yeah, no, that actually makes a lot of sense.
And you're-- you're very hot.
Thanks.
Have you ever considered it?
Consider what?
Pornography.
No, fuck no.
I mean, not no, it's just that-- I mean, not you know, fuck no,
just not for me.
It's not my thing.
But you're very, very good at it.
Ah, I get it.
You are one of those behind-the-scene types.
No, actually, I'm only doing this temporarily.
(PHONE RINGING)
Uh, sorry, I just-- I have to get this.
It's my husband.
Oh.
Hi, baby.
He's still up?
Well, put him on.
Hello, my big man.
Mommy loves you.
What just happened?
Your entire feminist construct implode?
Look at you. Such big words.
And very funny coming
from the guy who has an up-to-date album
of shirtless photos on Instagram.
Diving deep in my socials, huh?
Well, it's kind of my job right now.
Instagram-stalking me is your job?
I'm not just stalking you, I looked up everybody.
-Calm down. -Sure you did.
-You're so cocky. -You're so high maintenance.
-I'm high maintenance? -Yeah.
Says the man with a monthly subscription
to Crest White Strips?
It's cheaper that way. I'm fiscally responsible.
Oh, wow.
Fiscally responsible, what a panty-soaker.
Say it again.
Fiscally responsible.
Ugh, you know, I bet you're
one of those guys that likes to look at himself
in the mirror during sex.
Can you blame me? This shit is tight.
It's okay, I've had better.
-I doubt that. -Oh, you doubt that?
-What, is that your big move? -No.
♪ I'm burning, you're burning me up ♪
♪ Oh
♪ This fire's burning me up
♪ Oh
♪ Girl, everything you been doing ♪
♪ Is turning the temperature up ♪
That's my big move.
Well, it's not awful.
But I still totally hate you.
-I hate you, too. -I hate you more.
(MOANS)
-Are you close? -Yeah.
-Is it happening? -Yes.
(GROANING)
Oh!
Okay, ooh.
What was that?
What was what?
That. That was real?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay.
Whoa! I'm-- I'm-- I'm not criticizing you.
I just want to make sure you got off.
Okay. Well, you know what, Thomas?
It doesn't really matter, because this was a huge mistake
-and it can never happen again. -What, really?
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
Okay.
(RUBY SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)
What's up, track star?
Huh? Oh, no.
Because I bolted. Yes, that's very funny.
Well, I'm actually very busy too, so I can't talk.
(TYPING)
(♪♪♪)
You're ignoring my texts.
Dad, dad, what are you doing here?
This is Spread Magazine.
You work at Spread.
This is your job.
Okay, yes, yes. How did you find me?
Oh, I didn't realize I'm still paying for your iTunes,
so all our devices share the same Apple ID.
-I can see your texts. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You've been reading my texts?
Well, that's what you get for sponging off your old man.
“Ugh, I can't believe I'm lying to my parents.”
That's nice. A little guilt is better than none.
“I don't think I can do this, Whit, Spread is so disgusting.”
Dad, stop! Shh!
“ Spread is so disgusting!”
Well, this is a good one, you're gonna like this.
-“I cannot believe I--” -Dad, stop!
What do you want?
I just want to take you to lunch.
Good, let's go to lunch.
-Okay. -Now.
That's what I was saying.
This guy. He's not a plumber.
-He's not a plumber. -Dad, stop please.
I know that one.
RUBY: Dad, dad,
I don't really have a lot of time.
-I'm on a deadline. -Cool, sounds important.
Ugh.
I'm so pumped you're working at Spread.
It's a dream job.
Yeah, well, it's not my dream job.
Oh, shit.
You're not gonna tell mom, are you?
No.
You know, divorced folk really don't gab that much.
So then what do you want?
I just want to visit the office.
Meet Frank Ferretti.
Find out what you're working on.
Regular dad stuff.
-It's gross. -It'll be fun.
We'll go to lunch.
You can invite Ferretti and maybe a few of the ladies.
Yeah, it's very gross.
We'll spend some quality time together,
just like you always wanted.
Dad, I wanted that quality time when I was in elementary school.
And you were at Big Wang's every night.
watching the Cubs.
Listen, sweetie, I'm retired.
I'm getting older.
I'm running out of time to meet my idol.
Come on. The truth is,
I wish I had been there more for you.
I just-- I had never felt like a dad, you know?
Or acted like one.
I was a shitty dad.
I'm trying to make up for that now.
All right. Well, I'm not sure I'd totally buy it, but--
Okay. All right, yeah, fuck it.
-Fine, deal, you can come. -Score!
So what's Frank like in real life?
Does he crush some serious gash?
(SIGHS)
You could--
I'm just curious, you know?
It's-- okay.
See you at the office.
Spread, she works at Spread.
My dad found out that I banged a co-worker, and guess what?
-He's stoked about it. -Your dad's weird.
RUBY: (ON PHONE) Yeah, still. That place is no bueno.
Why are we talking on the phone? Are you not home?
Ben's been so busy with work,
I thought I'd come up here and surprise him.
Okay.
Well, I was gonna surprise you with a sex toy from work,
but now you're just gonna have to wait until you get back.
Blush! Um, yeah, okay.
Actually, why don't you bring home all the sex toys?
Whoa, tiger.
WHITNEY: (ON PHONE) Not for me. For the presentation.
But seriously, you should have a focus group.
Invite over some ladies, have real conversations about
sex, porn, toys, what women want
and don't want.
I mean, how are you gonna make Spread better
if you don't know what women want?
Yeah, I guess I could do that.
I'll put an ad on Craigslist.
Yeah. And make sure you have lots of wine.
Oh, absolutely.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ Oh, honey, honey, you set me alight ♪
♪ Like a summertime sky
♪ Oh, give it to me
♪ I'm dropping
♪ Your love is gonna keep you alive ♪
(GRUNTS) Okay.
♪ ‘Cause I'm turned down ♪
♪ Mr. Fatty
Well, that's good.
♪ There's no one left to fight ♪
♪ Baby, come and beam me up
♪ Oh, honey, honey, I'm under your spell ♪
♪ And I can get it off
(WHIRRING)
There.
♪ Oh, honey, honey
♪ You blazing a trail with a future so bright ♪
-NELSON: How's that? -RUBY: Mm-hmm.
♪ Oh, give it to me
♪ I'm ready to go
And here's the presentation.
♪ ‘Cause it might be destiny ♪
♪ can't mistake the chemistry
♪ Baby, when you feel a rush
♪ Oh, honey, honey, the money's fair ♪
♪ And I can't enough
♪ Oh
(♪♪♪)
♪ Oh, honey, honey
Yes. Fuck.
(♪♪♪)
Whoo.
(CHUCKLES)
Ooh, yeah.
Fuck you.
I like a vibrator.
And I like a dildo.
But I don't want my dildo to vibrate.
A dildo that doesn't vibrate is a waste of rubber,
if you ask me.
Yeah, I need all the help I can get.
Vibration, penetration, visual stimulation.
I've actually never used a vibrator before.
-Girl. -RUBY: Do you guys watch porn?
-Of course. -Sometimes.
Yeah!
Okay, what kind of porn do you watch?
-Actually gay porn. -Really?
That's interesting. Why?
Because at least it shows off the guy's bodies.
-Right. -WOMAN 1: Yeah.
Porn made for straight dudes is just women faking it.
Yeah, I have only done that.
What about porn made for women?
Personally,
I don't think lady porn is all that great.
I mean, still a lot of bad lighting
and lame storylines.
What kind of porn do you want to watch?
-Hot guys. Massive cocks. -Yeah.
And not just, “ Kimmy can't stop squirting!”
Like equal screen time.
So we can see the guy's body, not just that one part.
Less dick.
What about a single woman's Parisian vacation?
Now that is hot.
-Woowee. -(WOMEN LAUGH)
Jane, that's really good.
But it has to be discreet though.
I don't want to see Chicks with Dicks
on my credit card statement.
I grabbed it. I thought maybe we could talk about it.
I-- I don't really know what to think.
-No? -How do I use this?
It's bondage tape.
(WOMEN LAUGH)
-Yes. -Looks a little bit scary.
In a pinch, it's good for travel.
-How is it good for travel? -I can show you.
Okay. This guy.
-Oh, hell no. -What about this thing?
I actually have that one in blue.
You do?
Blue's the most relaxing color and you've got to relax
if you're going to take something that big, am I right?
(LAUGH)
I think this went really well.
FERRETTI: Yes.
Well, no, not yet.
It's just an idea.
Of course, we'll need to--
She started as a temp, but--
You know, it's a fucking great idea.
(ELEVATO BELL DINGS)
(GRUNTS)
PRUDENCE: Ooh, big day.
Everyone's in the conference room waiting for you.
RUBY: Thanks, P.
(STEPS REACHING)
What the fuck.
(♪♪♪)
No, no, no.
Fuck, fuck.
Shit.
That motherfucker.
Ruby, they're getting restless.
It's now or never.
-Good luck. -I can't go, I can't go.
I don't have my presentation.
And I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here.
Oh, I don't know.
Revolutionizing the porn industry,
giving women a voice.
You got this.
(EXHALES)
(♪♪♪)
(WHIRRING)
(♪♪♪)
(EXHALES)
What's the holdup?
Um, I-- I just need one second.
I'm sorry.
This was a bad idea.
-Everyone back to work. -No, no, no. No, no.
Wait, wait, guys. Please wait.
Um...
Apple taught us to think different.
For some, that means smartphones and electric cars.
But for Spread, think different means helping people masturbate
with one hand on their iPhone
and the other hand on their genitals.
The Spread app is designed to do just that.
And of course, it would be discreet, you know,
with options of different interfaces,
making it look like an app for recipes or shopping
or navigation or whatever the user chooses.
And of course, it'll be password-protected.
Um, bow, if we dive a little deeper into
user personalization.
(SCRIBBLES)
♪ Oh yeah, I've gotta make it
♪ Don't fear
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
We not only need to optimize
on the power of the Spread brand and subscriber base,
but we also need to expand on it.
Let me ask you a question.
Who do you think drives 60 to 70 percent
of all consumer purchasing?
Oh.
Women.
And what percentage of women do you think watch porn?
(GASPS)
10 percent.
50 percent.
My mom is one of those. She likes movies set on farms.
She's an animal lover.
Thank you, Nelson.
The point is women will watch porn
if you just engage them.
They want porn that's tailored to them.
Okay, listen to this.
WOMAN 2: (ON TAPE) My family shares a computer and my kids use my phone,
so can't have any porn on there.
RUBY: (ON TAPE) What if it was an app that
looked like an astrology app
and your kids didn't have access to it?
WOMAN 2: (ON TAPE) I can get with that. Yes.
RUBY: (ON TAPE) Yeah, that'd work.
Why aren't we marketing
to the other half of the population,
the half that controls the majority of the spending?
Right now, Spread is missing out on this massive audience
and their tremendous spending power
with a modest start-up investment
of 150K for tech and personnel.
RUBY: Creating a solid app
could increase annual revenue by as much as 300 percent.
Mr. Ferretti?
I think that porn is an unsung hero.
Why do people buy VHS players?
They get off to porn in the comfort
of their bedrooms.
Then they bought DVDs and Blu-rays,
so they could see more clearly.
And now the internet.
So does that mean you're in?
Oh, I'm a believer.
But we can't move forward.
NELSON: What?
-THOMAS: That's a good idea. -(LESLIE LAUGHS)
-Um... -Leslie, shut the fuck up.
(STEPS FALLING)
Mr. Ferretti?
Frank?
Mr. Ferretti?
(DOOR SHUTS)
Welcome to the suck.
♪ You got me shaking
♪ Yeah, I feel the fever going
Ohh!
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
-Whoa. -Okay.
Do you like have a homing device for vulnerable women?
I was gonna say something nice, but I could just leave.
No.
Please stay.
I could use hearing something nice.
I was gonna say that
even though your presentation started off bad,
like really, really embarrassingly bad.
-It was-- -Okay.
Can you skip to the good part, please?
I was really impressed.
I got to say, your research and approach was streamlined,
in depth, and well, innovative.
Hmm.
(WOMAN MOANING IN VIDEO)
THOMAS: Yeah.
(WOMAN MOANING IN VIDEO)
How can she focus?
I multitask all day.
I don't want to do it with multiple sets of genitals.
If I'm gonna, you know, then I need to concentrate.
Speaking of.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Okay, fine.
Yes, you were right, I faked it.
-Why? -Because it's embarrassing.
I mean, most guys don't even know how to get a woman off.
I didn't even know how to get myself off
for a very long time.
How sad is that?
Well, I think that's pretty common.
No, it's fucking tragic is what it is.
I can help you.
I mean, we can do it together.
Spread should offer tutorials
for giving women orgasms and--
and for women to achieve their own.
Like school, but sexy.
Yeah, right.
Research.
(KISSING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
PRUDENCE: Frank, honey. I have your coffee.
Oh, it's you.
Prudence?
Not cool.
I'm sorry. I-- I begged her, sir.
Can I please just have five minutes?
The app is a strategic long-term--
I'll stop you right there.
There's no more long-term investments in Spread.
Our parent company bought us out of bankruptcy,
but we're still hemorrhaging money
and I can't find a way to stop it.
And you know I started this magazine in my garage?
-You did? -Yeah.
My first wife was a cover model, a beautiful blonde.
Boy, was she a knockout.
She didn't like that I always called her “my first wife”.
(CHUCKLES)
I was just being realistic.
And that's how I ran my business.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
And when the magazines had mansions, uh,
fighting for free speech.
I knew in order to survive I had to minimize risks,
stay under the radar. Coast.
And that's how I survived the game.
Well, it makes sense to me.
Maybe I wanted to prove
to those snotty rich kids I grew up with
that I was as good as them.
Or maybe I was having too much fun
and just didn't give a fuck.
This place might not look like much to you,
but it's everything to me.
I know it is.
All those idiots who work here, well, they're my idiots.
They're my family really.
And I've let everyone down.
No. No, you haven't, Mr. Ferretti.
You know, people warned me.
They said the industry was changing
and I have to change with it.
But I didn't listen.
And now it's too late.
No, it's not.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
It's not too late.
Ruby, I'm not in charge of the budget anymore.
That-- that foolish asshole who's been walking around here,
Mr. Sizemore,
he's the corporate suit who's really in charge.
I asked him for the start-up money.
But he said no.
He said no?
Actually, he said, “Get fucked.”
I don't have a good feeling about this luau.
What if I went and talked to him?
You know, you're telling me
this guy's all about money, right?
So if-- if I showed him the projections,
then he couldn't deny it.
He couldn't deny the numbers.
I can be very convincing.
(♪♪♪)
You're a good kid.
(FERRETTI CHUCKLES)
So that's it?
All right, well,
it was an honor being one of your idiots.
Can I give you a hug?
They say, Ruby, you're like a dream
Not always what you seem
And though my heart may break
Oh, shut up.
(LAUGHS)
You're a really good kid.
Now do me a favor.
What? Get the fuck out of here.
Yeah.
(STEPS FALLING)
How many wives have you had?
Four and counting.
(CHUCKLES)
(♪♪♪)
(SOBS)
(SNIFFLES, EXHALES)
(SLURPS)
(SIGHS)
I guess it's time for a new temp.
(♪♪♪)
(KNOCKING)
Your 10:00, sir.
I didn't know I had a 10:00.
She said it was urgent.
Doubtful.
Um, Mr. Sizemore, I have a plan
to dramatically increase your profit.
-I just need five minutes. -No.
What? But I haven't even--
I know who you are and why you're here.
Okay, but this could save--
It can't and it won't.
I won't let Spread waste one more penny.
After the luau, it's done.
You're shutting down Spread?
But what about everybody who works here?
Well, you'll all get your severance packages.
Well, not you actually.
You're just a temp.
But I have a plan, okay?
And I can prove it to you.
If you'll just give me a little bit more time,
-I can show you. -Spread is out of time.
You better update your resume.
Wait, is-- is Spread even on your resume?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Why are you still here?
Pearl.
Bring me a cappuccino.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)
(♪♪♪)
Hey, lameosexual.
-Guess what? -What?
My windsurfing story goes live today.
It's very cool, Leslie. Good for you.
Yeah, it is good for me.
Gross. What's your problem?
-I just talked to Sizemore-- -Stopped listening!
(EXHALES)
I know it was you who took my note cards, you dickhead.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)
Goodbye, Shasta. Bye, Feather.
What a fun work environment.
Dad? Dad, dad, lunch isn't for another hour.
-What are you doing here? -Retirement's boring.
No, no, no. You have to leave.
-Ple-- -What's all the commotion?
You're still here?
Mm-hmm. Sure am.
It's Ferretti. It's Frank Ferretti.
It's Frank Ferretti in the flesh.
That's right. Who's this?
Mr. Ferretti, um, I'm very sorry.
This is my father, but he was just leaving.
You, sir, are a legend.
I'm just honored you've given my daughter this opportunity.
-Is that so? -Oh, absolutely.
It's always been a dream of mine to meet you,
and I have brought you this but a humble gift
of my appreciation, a bag of bagels.
I spared no expense.
There's every flavor in there except
for the everything bagel, because they cost a dollar more.
They make my breath stink anyway.
Right? I mean.
-How about a tour? -Oh, I'd love that.
Thank you so much. Yes, please.
Um, Mr. Ferretti.
Uh, I...
May I take those bagels from you?
RON: Okay.
How about that tour?
So what's this? This looks interesting.
It's a closet full of dildos.
I love this place!
(SIGHS)
-Ruby? -Nelson, what are you doing?
-Were you crying? -Were you spying?
My mother calls it, “private attentive observation”.
Okay, that's spying.
I'm sorry you're sad.
I'm not sad, I'm-- I'm frustrated.
Your eyes look pretty when they're bloodshot
Is that all you wanted to tell me?
Leslie is gathering everyone for a release party
of his windsurfing story?
Ugh.
Will you be my date?
Yes.
Ho!
You really outdid yourself with this tap water.
Yeah, you're not gonna be talking so much shit
once you read the story.
You do realize I've already read it, right?
Yeah, whatever.
Are you kidding me?
It's McDumack, you fucks!
Who wrote Leslie McDumbass, huh?
Ooh.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, you think this is fucking funny?
Dude, it was a joke.
Besides, you're the one
who's supposed to proofread everything.
Yeah, whatever.
You and your boyfriend are gonna pay for this.
(GRUNTS)
Shit!
(PANTS)
Leslie called me your boyfriend.
Leslie calls his penis a beef bazooka,
so I wouldn't read into it.
Trust me, I'm not.
I just hope everyone around here doesn't think that we're dating.
Why? Because that would be the worst thing?
Assembling Ikea furniture might be worse.
Okay, well, you don't have to worry about it,
because we're never hooking up again.
Sure.
-We're not. -Mm-hmm.
(GASP)
Fuck.
(♪♪♪)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Mr. Ferretti, do you have a minute?
Sure.
Talk to Mr. Sizemore?
Yeah.
He's shutting down Spread and announcing it at the luau.
I had a feeling. Thanks for telling me.
Do me a favor, don't tell the others yet.
No, no, no. Of course, I won't.
It's just-- he just doesn't see the big picture.
Well, he calls the shots.
Now, I hate to kick you out, but I don't want you
to see a grown man cry.
(♪♪♪)
(DOOR SHUTS)
What are you doing?
Um, I was just looking for a job for my friend.
I was looking for a job for my friend.
That's my favorite dating site.
But that was LinkedIn.
I know.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh shit. Hello?
Okey-dokey.
Okay, so tomorrow, yeah, yes, yes.
Yes, of course, I'll be there.
Thank you so much, I'll see you then.
(SIGHS)
(TYPING)
(♪♪♪)
(SIGHS)
MARCIA: Hmm.
Well, you don't have much in the form
of real life work experience.
But I must say I find all your extracurriculars interesting.
Published in The New Yorker at the age of 17.
That's exceptional.
-It is? -Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah.
Yeah, I've-- I've--
I've always been a lover of language.
And you're currently at The Atlantic?
-Yes. -Well, they're quite esteemed.
I go way back with Max.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Max is uh, is great.
(CHUCKLES)
I mean, I've never met Max
because um, I mostly keep to myself.
But yeah, everybody loves Max.
So tell me about your position there.
-At The Atlantic. -Yes.
Uh, right now, I am just a junior copy editor.
And I do love it, but you know,
I just wish there was room for growth.
What's your long-term goal?
I want to be a managing editor.
That's ambitious.
I like that.
So tell me a little more about yourself.
Yeah. So I started writing when I was around 12.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
PRUDENCE: Oh, you can see areola with these.
Ruby, come help us pick out supplies for the luau.
Do you think the 75 coconut bras are gonna be enough?
Are there ever really enough?
That is so true.
Let's make it an even 100.
You're coming to the luau, right?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
You gonna invite all your feminist friends?
No, I'm not.
Yeah, ‘cause you don't have any, loser.
-You're one to talk. -I have fucking friends.
Okay, my entire Aikido class is coming.
-(CHUCKLES) -Nice.
You haven't told anybody you work here.
You're a fucking stinky hippie feminist spy.
And you probably got a full bush.
-It's not a full bush. -Hm.
Okay, um, everybody follow me into the conference room.
Okay, right now. I need everybody, let's go.
Not going. Don't fucking work for you.
RUBY: I meant everybody else.
(♪♪♪)
Okay. So Frank doesn't seem to think--
RON: Hey, guys.
What's going on?
Dad, what are you doing here?
And why are you under the table?
Well, I'm just polishing my Ben Wa balls.
You know how that relaxes me.
Okay.
Well, as I was saying,
Frank doesn't think that we have the resources for this app,
but I disagree.
You all are the greatest resource
he could ever have.
We should launch this app with minimum viable product
just to prove its capabilities.
But we have to do it before the luau.
Oh, dear. That's in a week, honey.
I know. But I have a friend who has a team
in Bangladesh that can deliver me
the wireframes that fast.
I may have to give her my firstborn in return,
but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
You can always have more kids.
Thank you, dad. Um, moving on.
Prudence, because of all your relationships in this business,
I was thinking you could be in charge
of finding our advertisers.
I could do that, I think.
And Hank, you seem to really be getting the hang of Twitter,
and I think you'll learn TikTok, and Instagram,
and Snapchat, no problem.
Plus, everybody loves you, you know?
So just get those girls to link up their socials
to Spread's, and we'll be golden.
And uh, Nelson, you'll be our king of code.
-I'm her king? -Yeah.
And obviously, we'll need killer design,
so that'll be Thomas' domain.
What am I in charge of?
Dad, you don't work here.
Consider it a community service.
Okay, whatever. Is everybody in?
Well, I'm in. Let's do it.
You're probably gonna pester me until I say yes,
so let's just cut out the headache.
Nelson?
Anything for my queen.
Cool. And Thomas.
Sorry, I-- I have other work to do.
That was that buzzkill, huh?
Going so strong there.
(DOOR OPENS)
Motherf--
(DOOR CLOSES)
-He seems nice. -He's an asshole.
-Hm. -Oh, yeah.
-He is an asshole. -Piece of shit.
-Balls? -Thank you.
-Yeah. -Can I-- can I try one?
No.
-Other work to do? -Oh, please, come in.
You and I both know that this is a good idea.
You can't save Spread.
Yes, we can if we try.
It's too much work and not enough time.
-It is not possible. -What is your problem?
Are you afraid of failure or are you afraid of success?
Neither.
Oh, so you just think empowering women
is a bullshit idea in general.
Okay, I got it now. Thank you.
-(DOOR CLOSES) -(UPBEAT MUSIC)
MARCIA: (ON PHONE) Is this Ruby Clark?
Yes, this is Ruby.
MARCIA: (ON PHONE) Marcia, from the Sophisticate here.
Good news.
It's just down to you and one other candidate.
-Really? -MARCIA: Yes.
Well, that's amazing.
MARCIA: (ON PHONE) I'll be in touch soon.
Thank you so much.
MARCIA: (ON PHONE) Bye-bye.
(SIGHS)
(♪♪♪)
Okay, since dickhole Thomas is out, the design's on you.
I've been told I have a great eye for color.
I can tell that just by looking at you.
Uh, we also need somebody to make new videos.
How about Leslie? Maybe he can help.
No, no, hell no.
We need somebody who already owns the equipment
and would do it for free.
Oh, you know what?
I think I know a guy.
So let me get this straight.
My ex-girlfriend who dumped me for watching porn now wants
to hire me to make porn.
I do see the irony.
But think of it this way.
If we're successful, then you can use this
to finance all your shitty indies.
You should work on your pitch.
I'm offering you a chance to make porn, Orson.
That's my pitch.
I'm gonna need money for crew, sets, wardrobe, actors.
-Well, there is no money. -(SCOFFS)
I mean, there's no money right now.
There will be eventually.
But right now all we need are little TikTok-sized videos.
Okay? Just bite-sized itty-bitty videos.
And when I think of itty-bitty, oh, I think of you.
That's just not nice.
Sorry.
Look, do you want to make fucking pornos or not?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
I want to make the porns.
(CHUCKLES)
Great.
So I tell the guy he's got a choice.
It's either rum and coke or the Easter Bunny.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah.
Anyway, ladies, what would you say
to increasing your earning potential?
Um, yeah.
Oh, Roger,
you know that I'm powerless when it comes to a seafood tower.
Okay.
Well, listen, if we can count on Trojan advertising
on our site,
you can count on me only wearing clamshells.
Every time you post on social media,
you tag Spread and you get paid.
-Cool. -Yeah.
And listen, a little birdie told me that
blow-me-finger-me-make-me-cum needs some product placement.
So what's the catch?
-No catch. -Oh, you naughty boy.
So is that a yes?
So anytime we post something, we just tag Spread and get paid?
It's that simple.
Hello, Murray.
What if they're fetish videos?
-Even better. -Fine, Murray.
-Be that way. -Girl on girl.
Girl on girl, on girl, on girl. I love it.
Please tell me that Cum On Us has us covered?
Completely? Head to toe?
-Bondage. -Of course, bondage.
-Of course. -Felching.
There's an audience for that.
(SIGHS)
My work here is done.
(PHONE RINGING)
-Ruby. -Hello?
ORSON: (ON PHONE) Hey, it's Orson. Again, I need your help.
I'm having a problem getting a location.
Okay, we'll just figure it out.
ORSON: (ON PHONE) Oh, for fuck's--
I've had an idea.
Wait, where have you been?
I'm using the swag closet as my office now.
It's really inspiring in there.
Anyway, picture this.
We host a contest to find Spread's biggest fan.
And the winner gets swag from the closet
and maybe a date with a pornstar even.
That's actually not a bad idea.
It's actually a great idea.
Yes?
You think I got a shot at winning the contest?
I think we would be hard pressed
finding somebody more obsessed than you.
Yes! I got this!
(GASPS)
-Dearest? -Nelson, just Ruby, please.
Just Ruby, please?
Can I show you the design?
Yeah, sure.
(CLICKING)
Well, for positives, it's-- you know, it's super fast.
Here.
What's this?
It's the design.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
-Why? -Because Nelson is colorblind.
That explains so much.
This is amazing.
Thank you.
For the record, I do believe in empowering women.
But...
...I am afraid of failure.
-Oh. -And success.
-Oh. -It's complicated.
(CHUCKLE)
Get a room!
-He needs to get laid. -Yeah, he does.
But nobody will fuck him.
-Nope. -Oh, well, isn't this sweet?
This guy had the Spread logo tattooed on his penis.
I mean, like this, it just says SD,
but when it gets hard...
-Really? -Yeah.
Let me look at that.
Oh, yeah, that-- it's impressive.
-Mm-hmm. -That must have been painful.
It was. For him, I bet.
The guy.
Hey! Waste of space. Yeah?
What are the old people doing in the conference room?
-Huh? -Huh?
The old people.
The three wrinkly amigos in the conference room.
Oh, they're working on the app.
Are you deaf or something?
Frank said no to the app.
He didn't say no actually.
Oh.
Well, then I want in.
Yeah, that's never happening.
You've been trying to sabotage me since day one.
You were so threatened that a woman
could actually have some good ideas
and that those good ideas, my ideas,
might just prove that you're a misogynist
dressed up as a dumbass.
A McDumbass.
(EXHALES)
-You're gonna regret that. -Okay.
Yeah.
Fuck, man.
I think we have our winner.
Ooh.
Yeah, I think you should read it.
Even made Hank feel an emotion.
I mean, this guy is saying that Spread
helped him stay faithful to his wife
for the entire five years he was deployed.
Yeah.
Of course, there is always this guy who had
the Spread logo tattooed on his penis.
-Ew. -Yeah.
It's your father.
(SIGH)
(TOGETHER) Fuck.
(DOOR OPENS)
(KEYS JINGLES)
ORSON: Yeah, yeah.
(ORSON GRUNTING IN BACKGROUND)
LEXI: (INDISTINCT SPEECH)
ORSON: Yeah, yeah, take that injection.
LEXI: Uh-huh, yeah, I need a big prescription
of a spanking.
Yeah, take this penis, silly.
-Orson! -Ruby!
-Lexi! -Ruby!
Oh, you're the ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, lucky me.
Orson, what the fuck are you doing?
What you asked, making porn!
Why are you doing this in my apartment?
-I have a roommate. -I have a roommate!
Oh, I told you I was having trouble finding a location.
You told me to figure it out.
I figured it out.
You still have my key?
Oh, no, baby, always return the key.
Look, you want these movies done by your deadline,
you're gonna have to be a little flexible.
Okay, can we just have a little chat
without your penis inside of her?
-Oh, no, it's out. -Are you sure?
No, it isn't.
Okay, now it's out.
And I thought you were gonna hire some guy
to help you do this, not do it yourself.
Well, you didn't give me the money
to hire some stunt cock, so I'm doing it gonzo.
All from the guy's perspective holding the camera.
Well, I need production value.
What do you expect?
I don't have any money for sets, crew, nothing.
I had to pay Lexi with my own rent money.
Totally worth it, by the way.
Aw.
Listen, I know I disappointed you as a boyfriend,
but I will not disappoint you in this, okay, Ruby?
I got this.
I went to USC.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Okay, fine, just get the videos done, all right?
And when you're finished,
wash the fucking sheets, all right?
And for the love of God, hand her the camera
once in a while, okay?
Change the POV.
POV?
POV, power? Power of vagina. That's good.
Lexi, get familiar with the zoom.
-Uh-huh. -(CHUCKLES)
-(DOOR CLOSES) -And Orson, leave the damn key!
You guys did this?
You guys did this with no money?
Everybody worked above and beyond.
We did all of it for you, Frank.
Let's party.
(ALL LAUGH)
I don't believe it.
Here's to an amazing team.
Ruby, a big thanks for
shoving us into the modern world.
(CHUCKLES)
Cheers.
Two.
You're gonna show Sizemore, the bastard,
before the luau?
That's the plan.
No matter what happens, I'm proud of you.
And no matter what happens,
you will always be my favorite porn lord.
-Porn lord? -Mm-hmm.
Any title with the word lord in it, I accept.
(CHUCKLE)
-Mm. -Are you okay?
Yes, sir.
A cappuccino will be there when you arrive.
Uh, uh, he's not here.
Um, 9:00 a.m. to Geneva.
-Yes, I got it. -Wait a minute.
Is that him, Mr. Sizemore?
He's not interested.
Sorry, sir. It's just her again.
Did he tell you he's not interested?
No. He actually said he doesn't give two shits.
Fuck, that does sound like him.
Yes, sir. Already done.
I just hit my panic button.
Security will be here momentarily.
But I just need one minute
with him to show him the numbers.
Look, we made the app. We made the app, sir!
We made the app, and it's great.
Spread has value! It's worth saving!
Security has tasers.
Yes, sir. She's gone.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, WHIRS)
Another 2,000 followers on Twitter.
Awesome, Hank.
Closed an ad deal with smashmydaddy.com.
Great.
The processing speed of the UI functionality--
-English. -It's fast.
Perfect.
Someone pissed in your coffee again?
No. No, I'm just tired.
Well, I can fix that.
How about dinner, Cadillac margaritas at my place?
Are you asking me out on a date?
We can call it “a drunken sex rendezvous”.
Couple of alcoholics.
I-- I-- I can't tonight, Thomas.
I'm sorry. Another time, okay?
Yeah.
Whatever.
(♪♪♪)
(CHUCKLES)
(PHONE RINGS)
Why aren't you ready for the party?
I can't go, Whit.
I can't.
I can't watch my-- my friends get fired.
And-- and Thomas asked me out on like a real date-ish,
and it's just-- it's all too weird.
I'm gonna be home soon and I'm not going alone.
You need to get drunk, be there for your friends
when they get fucked, and then come to terms
with your feelings for Thomas, and get fucked yourself.
I wish it were that simple.
WHITNEY: (ON VIDEO CALL) Look on the bright side.
You now have major experience.
You're gonna get the job at the Sophisticate,
and no one will ever know you worked at Spread.
Yeah.
WHITNEY (ON VIDEO CALL): Oh, dude.
You can't let it go down like this.
There has to be a way.
Downloads are off the charts.
Our engagement metrics are through the roof.
Revenue is climbing.
But that asshole, Sizemore, who's gonna be at the luau--
So he can fire everybody.
Yeah, he doesn't give a shit.
I mean, unless I could--
Unless I could figure out a way to show him at the party
in front of everyone.
But I mean, is that insane?
Absolutely insane and I love it.
Now, go get ready.
I'll be home soon.
(♪♪♪)
I'm gonna go find Sizemore.
I'm going for the bar.
Ruby, I was looking for you.
-Hi, Hank. -I wanted to ask you a question.
Yeah, can I-- can I talk to you one minute?
Okay, it's like this.
Okay, I don't have a lot of family of my own.
Right, and I don't mean to interrupt you, but--
And when you get to be older like me,
you start worrying about certain things like dying.
-Oh, wow, Hank. -Let me finish.
I have an elderly companion.
Well, Shirley is a real pain in the ass,
but I love her.
What are you gonna do?
Well, when I die, I want somebody to care for her.
I think you know where this is going.
I don't.
I wondered if you would look after Shirley when I'm gone.
Um, I...
My cat?
Shirley's my cat.
Oh.
Yes, yes, Hank, no problem, okay?
-Don't you worry. -Okay, okay.
-All right, okay. Off you go. -Okay. Okay. Okay.
-Do you want some water? -No.
-Whoa! -Oh, shoot, sorry.
My hands are still sticky.
From the margarita, silly.
Okay.
Oh, great party.
I got laid.
ORSON: Ruby, Ruby,
my videos are getting thousands of views.
I'm basically like the handsome Ron Jeremy.
Yeah, the whole time you were--
That's not good.
(KISSES)
Aloha.
(CHUCKLES)
Ruby, Ruby, you look perfect.
I purchased these for you.
Don't eat them.
They're toxic to ingest.
-Okay, I won't. -What's up, hot stuff?
You want to go fool around in the swag closet?
May I have those back?
Oh, wait, oh Nelson, I'm so sorry.
What do you say?
A shag in the swag?
No, no, gross.
Okay, if I freaked you out about asking you to go to dinner,
then we can go back to hate fuck.
No, no, I don't hate you, Thomas.
I just-- I have to go find Sizemore.
Hey, Ruby Doobie. Great party.
I can't talk right now, dad.
I just said-- okay, all right.
Get out of my way.
Check your Instagram.
-What? -Yeah.
What the fuck?
-You hacked my account? -Yeah.
And you spelled love with a U?
That's right.
Check TikTok, Twitter, LinkedIn.
Shit, shit, shit. What the fuck?
Ah, that's right, guys.
-She's ashamed of Spread. -No, I'm not!
You think we all suck.
RUBY: Guys, don't listen to him. He's an asshole.
Okay, I'm an asshole.
Boom. “Ruby.
I can't believe I fucked him.”
“Whitney. At least it wasn't Orson.”
“Ruby. I jumped from one sleazebag to another.
This place is disgusting.
Everybody here is so gross.”
-No. -Thank you very much.
No, no, no, no, no.
You guys, you guys, please, you have to believe me.
I said that such a long time ago.
It's before I knew you.
I was so close-minded.
Please, you have to forgive me.
What the fuck is your problem?
You're my fucking problem.
Okay, you might have everybody else here fooled,
but not me.
You should just leave, nobody wants you here.
You don't belong.
Hank, I'm sorry. I didn't...
(SIGHS)
You're a piece of shit.
(CHUCKLES) Fucking great.
-You're fired. -Are you serious?
Well, then fuck, I quit!
-MARCIA: Ruby. -Marcia.
Funny seeing you here.
Yeah, yeah, you too.
I just came, because um, it's a crazy party, right?
Yeah, pretty crazy.
I'm glad I ran into you.
I mentioned that the job was down to two candidates.
I have to tell you something.
I-- I know that I told you that I worked for The Atlantic,
but I lied.
I don't work for The Atlantic.
I work here at Spread.
I know.
And that's exactly why you're not the candidate
that's getting the job.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I figured.
Spread's a real career killer, isn't it?
No, it isn't.
But lying is.
You shouldn't assume you know what people want.
-Frank. -FERRETTI: Marcia.
Oh, there you are.
PEARL: (ON SPEAKER) Attention everyone, Mr. Sizemore has an announcement.
Dad! Xtasy!
Oh, hey sweetie
You've met Xtasy.
Um, you two should talk.
Um. Talk.
Huh.
What-- what the fuck is going on?
I'm sorry. We should have told you sooner.
And I realize we shouldn't mix business and pleasure,
but I guess it runs in the family.
That's not funny.
I like Thomas and I can see you're happy,
even if you won't admit it.
Listen, Ruby, since we've been hanging out together
at Spread, I feel so alive.
And being with Xtasy
has made me feel 30 years younger.
Dad, I don't know.
I'm happy you're happy, but this is just a lot.
I know, sweetie, but sometimes things happen,
and you've got to just do what feels right,
you know?
Yeah. Yeah, it's true.
PEARL: (ON SPEAKER) Please come now.
I've got to go.
Hey, family vacations are gonna be fun, huh?
Cray cray.
Okay, bye.
Hey, I'm really so sorry to interrupt, Mr. Sizemore,
but I just wanted to make sure you saw this.
Okay, you know what?
Yes, it's true.
When I first came here, I thought Spread was disgusting.
And you know, granted, that's partially because
I was asked to organize dildos on the first day,
but you didn't need to know that.
Anyway, when I got here, I was jobless
and I had nothing.
I judged these people for what they did for a living.
But the truth is, these people work harder,
and they take more pride
in their jobs than most normal people I know.
I mean, you know what I mean.
(SIGHS)
I came here lost, and I really, really needed somebody
to believe in me.
And I think Spread needed someone to believe in them.
And I'm really happy we found each other.
And you know what?
The relationships in my life have never been better.
I mean, my dad, he's found love,
it seems, which is great for him.
My ex-boyfriend is finally getting into film.
Maybe not in the way he thought,
but honestly, in a way that makes sense for him.
And I met somebody
who I actually have a real connection with
for the first time in my life.
So, yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this,
but this place is pretty fucking amazing.
But most importantly, Spread is a fucking gold mine.
It's a gold mine. I mean, anybody could see it.
Since our launch, revenue is up over 200%.
But unfortunately, it doesn't matter,
because Mr. Sizemore is just gonna flush it all away,
which is funny, because I thought
if nothing else, you were a smart businessman.
But I guess I was wrong.
So, yeah, I just wanted to tell you
that you're making a huge mistake
and that it's been real.
I'm with her.
If you can't see what these kids and Hank are capable of doing,
then you have no need to fire me.
I quit.
(♪♪♪)
Hello, everyone.
I just wanted you all to have a good night.
Cheers.
Wait, what?
What's that about?
You're annoying,
but I think you have what it takes.
I'm gonna invest in you.
You have one year to turn Spread around.
Do not disappoint me.
Off.
Sorry, sorry.
Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Sizemore.
You won't regret this.
So, I didn't really mean I quit when I said I quit, I quit.
Are you gonna hug me, too?
Oh God, no, you're terrifying.
Then your job is safe for now.
-We did it. -No, you did it, kid.
And I'm so proud of you.
(CHUCKLES)
I think that means it's time to spread this party wide open.
Let's party!
(CHEERING)
(INDISCERNIBLE SPEECH)
Oh, no, Thomas, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay, I think you made up for it.
(KISSING)
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, Nelson.
(YELLS)
(♪♪♪)
Would you like these florals?
They look nice, but are toxic to ingest.
(EXHALES)
I love orchids.
You have pretty teeth.
I like your hair.
What's your favorite animal?
This is Timmy.
He can't hurt me anymore.
Hi, Timmy.
Beetles or Stones on three.
1, 2, 3.
(TOGETHER) Coldplay.
(GASPS)
(♪♪♪)
PRUDENCE: Morning, Bob.
Oh my God, P, Roger?
No, it's Stanley.
I can't wait for the bachelorette.
Hey, how's Shirley?
Yeah, still alive.
Ooh, looking good, you guys.
-THOMAS: Morning, Glory. -Oh, you wish.
Beyond proud of you.
-Oh gosh. -You gonna get out on time?
Reso's a firm 8:00 p.m.
Yes, we gotta celebrate.
-Hm. -It's on your desk.
-Thank you. -Hey, Roobs, guess what?
We're up 37%.
Sizemore, the bastard, gave the thumbs up
to keep going.
That's amazing, Frank.
Dream team.
There she is, the queen of porn!
-That's my title. -Oh, right, sorry.
We have a special announcement
and we wanted you to be the first to know.
Okay.
My squirter still works.
-We're having a baby! -(SQUEALS, LAUGHS)
Oh, I'll get the saltines. 2333 01:3