[marching band plays distantly]
[elevator dings] - Okay, now remember,
we're only stopping for 30 minutes.
I mean, of all the things to do in New York,
you want to watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
It's so basic.
Wh-why don't we just get enslaved horses
to pull us through Central Park?
Now, my staff is a bit tedious,
so we'll pop in for the parade, and then we'll be on our way.
And that is when the real fun begins.
I've prepared an itinerary of intellectual delights.
Ugh, I cannot believe your mother bought you
that thing. - Mom's cool.
- But it completely blocks out your surroundings.
Although, I understand the appeal
since your surroundings are usually Phoenix.
- I wish I was in Phoenix.
- Look, Thanksgiving is the one time of the year
that I get to see you.
- You only wanted me here 'cause your girlfriend's
in Montreal getting railed by that found metal sculptor.
- Okay, LaRue is the third in our throuple.
I enjoy that he gives her pleasure.
It's called compersion.
And it'd be nice if you could have
a little compersion for me.
[scoffs] Jealous of LaRue.
[laughs] The poor oaf doesn't even own a Kindle.
And apparently, his penis is extremely bulky.
[controller clicks, video game gun fires]
[upbeat music]
* *
[crowd clamors, drums beat]
- Okay, the next float's a giant turkey.
- Uh-huh. - There's a woman waving
on the back. It's that Irish girl
who plays Joan Rivers, I think.
- Oh! - Oh, no.
It's Christine Baranski!
- Ooh! How's her coat?
- She looks like she is keeping warm.
- Oh, good.
- Gi-give a shout when you see
the Panic in Needle Park float.
- I don't think there's gonna be one of those.
- Fuckin' A.
- Uh, Barb, Snoopy's coming.
- [gasps] Oh, wow!
And there's Santa!
Hi, Santa!
I guess that means it's over. [door opens]
Lauren, hi.
We weren't sure you were coming.
Is this-- - Yes.
Do-doo-da-loo!
My son, Ginsberg.
- Why are we in a bathroom?
- It's the only view of the parade from the office.
Oswald would have had a field day up here.
- So wonderful to meet you, Ginsberg.
We've heard so much about you.
- Really?
- Um-- - They just started deflating
the Woodstock balloon.
- Well, I'll watch that.
- [laughs]
How could deflating balloons possibly be of interest?
- I relate to getting the life sucked out of me.
- Fine, but don't dawdle.
We're already late for our walk at the Cloisters
with Soon-Yi Previn.
Hasn't she been through enough?
- Is Ginsberg named after Allen or Ruth Bader?
- Well, we want him to decide when he turns 21.
- That's fun.
- This will be a formative trip.
13 is that crucial age
when a boy finally begins crafting his identity.
- Hm. - I need to get to work.
In Phoenix, the cultural highlight of the year
is Cinco de Mayo at Hooters.
- I always try to give my daughter space
to follow her own path.
- He'll certainly be carving his own path.
Carving it right into his papa's footsteps.
[jazz music playing]
- Do you want to try some mulled wine, Fabian?
- I refuse to celebrate a holiday rooted
in First People's pain.
- Then why are you here?
- For me, it's a regular work day.
- Yeah, it's a work day for me too.
I'm working on getting drunk.
[chuckles]
You didn't want to see your family?
- I won't throw away my principles
for a few rounds of singing charades.
Where's your family?
- The girls are with their mom.
They'll be with me for Christmas.
- [sighs]
- We're just about to leave.
Oh, I've got some great gossip about Fran Lebowitz's tailor.
Hint, hint, he goes by the name of J.Crew Outlet.
[laughs]
- Okay, I'm off to my daughter's.
We'll be pigging out on pumpkin bread
and bingeing "The Crown" all day.
That queen...
her staff really respects her, don't they?
- Nobody leave yet.
The wine's almost done mulling.
- Oh, I'll wait for one mug.
And what do the Caspian men have planned?
- Well, the pièce de résistance is a sushi dinner
with "The New Yorker's" assistant copy editor
and his circle of wits.
A true Thinks-giving, if you will.
- That sounds horrible.
- That guy Sandy said he needed to take a whore's bath.
- Oh, Ginsberg.
The correct term is "sex worker's bath."
- Uh, i-it's called a whore's bath
or a Portuguese shower,
and that's it.
- Maybe this will remind everyone
of the blood this holiday has on its hands.
[microwave beeps]
[gasps]
Mmm.
- No.
Of course I'll be okay.
I love you.
Hm. That was my daughter.
She's volunteering to spend Thanksgiving
with a lonely older woman.
I guess we got our wires crossed.
I thought she meant me.
- Hm. Well, in the words of Vonnegut,
"So it goes."
Now, Ginsberg, we must be going.
- Do you wanna play?
- Ginsberg?
- Oh.
Um, sure.
Thank you, Ginsberg.
- Only my dad calls me that.
You can call me Eric.
- [gasps] Oh, my goodness.
Is this Fallujah?
It looks so different.
- You've been to Fallujah?
- A lifetime ago--
[gasps] Look at that.
I used to spend every Sunday morning at that café.
Wait, who are you?
Oh, no, you don't, mister.
- [chuckles] - [gasps]
Eric, I sniped him!
- Sick.
- Hm.
- Mmm.
Getting there.
They opened the door?
These rats are getting smart as hell.
To you, rats. Happy Turkey Day.
- I-if you--if you click left, you can pick your guns.
- Oh.
- [grunts]
Hey, Ginsberg, look.
[chuckles] Two dads.
[laughing]
Do I look like Lauren Caspian?
- Sure.
- Oh, I thought you might have
a slightly two-dimensional idea of me.
Sorry, did that fall flat?
- You've got a great kid here, Lauren.
- Barb, respectfully, the day we need your approval
will be the day we murder-suicide.
No offense.
- None taken.
- [quietly] Unbelievable.
Barb... [scoffs]
Trying to steal my son?
Send her back to Phoenix.
- Wine's almost ready. [elevator dings]
- Oh.
- What's up, turkeys?
- Chase. You look so elegant.
- Oh, thanks.
My parents always have a black-tie Thanksgiving brunch
at the Princeton Club so they can go home
and get quietly drizz-unk by themselves.
- Oh, dear.
- Yeah.
I'm actually kind of sad.
LOL.
But there was an oily fish appetizer
that I thought Sandy would be into,
so I brought it in a CVS bag,
just like he likes it.
- Mmm. - Oh, shit, whose kid is this?
- I'd rather not say.
- Uh, Lauren's son, Eric, is letting me bore him
with my old war stories.
- They're not boring.
I think they're kind of-- - Barb.
I need to talk to you about a work thing.
Find me an interview guest.
- You got it. For when?
- Today. Ginsberg is obviously
bored out of his mind here.
- But...it's Thanksgiving.
- So? Get a guest who's not American.
Get--I don't know, Volodymyr Zelenskyy.
He seems fun. - I don't think we can make
a day-of request to the president of Ukraine.
- Well, then get me Putin.
I don't care, just find me a guest.
I want Ginsberg to see me in my element.
- Uh--I'll do what I can.
- Oy gevalt.
Sorry to strand you with Barb.
I should've rescued you earlier.
- She's interesting and nice.
- Mm, interestingly boring.
And nice at s--being not, uh--
being tedious.
- She was a war journalist.
- Was. [chuckles]
- [groans softly]
- Ba-ba-bap! - Hey!
- I'm sorry, Ginsberg, but I cannot stand idly by
while you lobotomize yourself with the nearest widow.
You'll thank me later.
- Are you serious?
- Very. But fear not.
I'm going to introduce you to myVR experience.
- What?
- Vigorous repartee.
[whistling]
- We know you're boycotting non-Indigenous holidays,
but home's just not the same without you, Ashley.
We saved the turkey skin, but there's no one here to eat it.
- I wouldn't eat it anyway.
- That's right, I'm sorry.
You sent us that disturbing article about factory farming.
Mom read it too.
- She did?
- Of course, honey.
We read all the articles you send.
- I miss you guys.
- Oh, my gosh, we miss you like a limb, honey.
Tell her, Codi. - Hi, Ashley!
- Hi, Boo Boo.
I heard your 4-H presentation kicked butt.
- Um, this is actually where I do qigong and pass gas.
- Sorry, I--I got to get back to work.
Bye, guys.
[quietly] Love you.
- [grunting]
[radio jingle plays]
- You might know him as the brilliant Dr. Gregory House
on the show that would eventually inspire
the American version of "The Office."
Hugh Laurie, welcome to "In the Know."
- Thank you, Lauren. It's a--it's a great--
it's a great pleasure to be here.
- Hugh, my producer, Barb, claims
that she was able to book you on such short notice
because you and her are, and I quote, "old friends."
Can you call her out now for the liar that she is?
- No, I can't-- I can't do that exactly.
Lauren, I would say Barb and I are--
yeah, we--we, um--we-- we go a long way back.
And if I'm blushing... [chuckles]
Well, perhaps she is too.
- [chuckles]
- Gross.
What do you think it means
for England to finally have a male king?
- [laughs drily] Uh--
- Is there sort of a sense that "Daddy's home"?
- It-it's not "Daddy's home" for me.
Um, it's "a bloke's home."
A bloke's come home.
- Right, a bloke has wandered into our house,
and we don't know if he's a crazed drifter
or whether he's one of our mother's many boyfriends.
- Right. That would--
yeah, that would be closer, I think.
- Speaking of daddies, when I was young,
my father would ask me to stay in my room and play solitaire
whenever he'd invite over a, quote, "adult friend,"
which was his thinly-veiled nickname for prostitutes.
To this day, I still find myself
sexually aroused by a deck of cards.
What was your relationship with your father like?
- Not like that.
[conversation continues indistinctly]
- How long do these last?
- In clock time or emotionally?
- Mm, I don't know.
- I feel much older after each one.
- Let's talk music.
You play both blues and jazz.
What is it about white music you don't like?
- [chuckles] I--
it's--obviously, it's not true to say
I don't like white music.
Obviously, you know-- - Let me cut you off,
wh-which I like to do sometimes.
Many scholars believe
that Shakespeare was not a single person.
You yourself have asserted that the work was created by,
and I quote, "a writer's room full of Jews,
a veritable Elizabethan Sid Caesars."
Can you elaborate?
- No, Lauren, I never said that
or anything close to it.
- [sighs]
- Wanna have some fun?
- Yeah.
[static crackles]
[chuckles]
- You, um--you-- you Brits are famous
for repressing your emotions, whereas--
[static crackles]
Sorry, um, are we having technical problems?
- [snickers]
- Okay, speed round.
Short answer questions. Here we go.
Coffee or tea?
- Coffee.
- Bert or Ernie?
- Who?
- Hugh, what should we-- [static crackles]
What sh-- [static crackles]
Carl, are you hearing that?
- [snickering] - Sorry.
We got invading frequencies
from a neighborhood station.
All good now.
- Hugh, what should we do about Meghan Markle?
- I--I--I don't know that any action is required.
- Going green or going shopping?
- [sighs]
- Doing the work
or doing the damn thang?
- Going green.
- "Sex and the City"
or "Sex and the--" [static crackles]
"Sex--" [airhorn blasts]
- This ain't your daddy's station.
You're listening to 103.9 The Hawk.
[bell dings] Awooo!
- Carl. Carl, are you hearing it?
It's really--it's overwhelming.
- Mm, it's not coming through on the tape,
so we're all good.
- Okay.
Hugh.
- Yeah?
- Hugh.
It's been-- - Lauren.
- Okay, but I need to get--
I was--I was about to do my outro.
If we could get that clean, that would be wonderful.
- Okay. - Hugh.
But don't--don't ice me.
If I'm saying your name, you can respond to that.
Hugh.
- Lauren. - We're--
[huffs] Okay.
It's very, very important that I get the outro clean.
I just wan to be clear about that.
Hugh.
- Lauren. - Thank you--no.
Damn it.
- [laughing]
- Damn it.
Hugh, I value your time.
Do you value my time?
- I certainly do, yes. - Okay.
Then please, we just need to get it clean.
Make sure you respond, but just not when I'm doing my outro.
Okay? - Okay, okay.
- Okay. Hugh. - Lauren.
- Thank you so much...
For being on the show.
We appreciate...
Well, are you gonna respond?
I don't understand. - Oh.
I, too, appreciate the opportunity
to appear on your show, and--and--
- And that's our show.
This has been a banquet of connections,
emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
- It certainly-- - Thank you.
Thank you.
[both laughing]
So what'd you think?
- I loved it. - Ah!
Wasn't it scintillating?
Look, I know we missed tapas with Herman,
but we can nosh with a pansexual geologist any time.
I thought you'd rather get to see your dad do what he do.
- No, no, no, no, it's Carl.
He's so funny.
He should have his own TikTok or something.
- [chuckles] Preaching to the choir, little man.
You should see his impression of your dad.
- Wh--pardon?
- Oh, come on, Carl. Do it!
- I should probably go check on my--
- [chanting] Do it...
[together] Do it, do it!
- [chuckles] Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Go ahead, Carl.
- Okay, this is Lauren ordering takeout.
[clears throat]
[as Lauren] I revere your beautiful culture.
But if there is a hint of spice in my pad Thai,
I will press charges.
[laughter]
- Oh, my God.
That is so good.
- You're a thespian, Carl.
- You're literally Frank Caliendo, dude.
- He even got the way your vowels sound wet.
- A common parrot can do an imitation though.
[chuckles] African Grey Beard--
not because you're African American--
or that you have a gray beard.
I would never call you African Grey Beard.
- [sighs]
- Now, if you'll excuse us,
Ginsberg and I are due at Sushi Damo by 6:00.
- Can we just eat turkey like regular people?
- Caspians are anything but regular.
The quotables and limericks you hear tonight
will be what you bring back to the literal
and cultural desert where you live.
- I don't wanna go.
- We've already missed 3 of the 19 courses.
And I, for one, refuse to miss course five.
The sous-chef pinches you while you eat.
Get your coat, Ginsberg.
- [mimicking Lauren] Get your coat, Ginsberg.
We shan't waste our day
with the lowest common denominator.
- That's enough.
- Look at me.
I read big, awful books,
and I watch movies that are homework from hell.
- Ginsberg!
- I got Ginsberg's mom pregnant in a hot tub.
She read a feminist poem, and I jizzed,
and through some sick miracle, Ginsberg was conceived.
- Oh, kiddo, you shouldn't know that.
- It was a natural hot springs.
- We're gonna go to a raw fish Thinks-giving with strangers
because everything I do has to be interesting...
- Ginsberg-- - Even though hardly anyone
pays attention to me, and the ones who do...
- That's enough! - Just think I'm lonely!
And sad!
And lame!
- Uh, everyone else could see that little boy too, right?
- [sobbing]
- The sound you make when you weep
is giving me a migraine.
- My son hates me.
- No. I hate you.
Your son is just angry with you.
- No, I suck.
I suck so bad.
- Stop making that sound, you bitch.
- I didn't think you used that word.
- I usually don't.
Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to solve it?
- Mm, solve it?
- Stop trying to get Ginsberg to be like you.
You don't even like being you.
- I love being me.
No! Please, please.
Okay, tell me what to do.
- Just be a dad.
Be a normal, boring dad.
- I don't know how to be boring.
- Wrong, bitch!
You areboring.
So am I. That's why I hate you.
You're like a magic mirror that shows me
what a sweaty fraud I am.
I mean, look at us.
I'm staging a protest for nobody,
and you're dragging your son to get mercury poisoning
with nerds who don't even like you.
And for what? [sighs]
We're still boring, Lauren.
Now we're just boring and alone.
- So wh-what do I do with Ginsberg?
- I don't know.
Just try to enjoy the things he enjoys.
- Hmm.
His pleasure is my pleasure.
Of course--compersion.
Fabian, thank you.
[sobs]
- Stop crying, you little bitch.
- [continues sobbing]
[jazz music playing]
- * We've come too far together *
* To throw it all away *
* 'Cause right here in my heart, girl *
* Forever you will stay *
* 'Cause, baby, you're the one *
* That keeps me hanging on *
- Hello?
- [breathes deeply] I know.
It's time to go to sushi.
I'll be down in a second.
- I--I thought maybe we could stay here.
- Why?
- Well, I was thinking maybe
we could play that killing game that you like.
- You won't like it.
There aren't any jazz critics in it.
- Well, if it's-- if it's okay with you, Eric,
I-I'd like to at least try it.
Oh. [gasps]
Oh, my goodness, this is very realistic.
[laughs]
[splutters] And I have to be a soldier?
There's no diplomatic option?
- Yeah, you gotta be a s-soldier.
You're in the war.
- I'm in the war.
Ha. Ha. - Oh, thank God.
We were worried you'd come up here to kill yourself.
Lauren's not dead, guys.
He's playing a game.
- Mmm, mulled to perfection. - Oh. Ah.
- Oh, look out. - Oh, goodness!
Someone's attacking.
ISIS! Or is it?
[laughs] Is it the fog of war?
- [laughing] Dad!
- Whoa! - You don't have
to move around so much.
- I--I hate to say it, but I'm enjoying the violence.
I like to kill.
Ah.
Grenade!
- Oh.
- [screams]
[all gasp] - Dad!
- I'm alive.
- [sighs] Woodstock has saved us again.
first in '69, then in '99,
and now, in 2019.
- Sandy, it's 2023.
- [breathes deeply] Mm.
[singing beautifully] * Sometimes I wonder *
* If I'm ever gonna make it home again *
* It's so far and out of sight *
* I really need someone to talk to *
* And nobody else knows how to comfort me tonight *
* Snow is cold *
* Rain is wet *
* Chills my soul *
* Right to the marrow *
* I won't be happy till I see you *
* Alone again *
* Till I'm home again and feeling right *
Joe Biden was born in Kenya!