1 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,177 - The real mystery is 2 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,137 if my husband removed his own fingerprints 3 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,847 or if it was done against his will. 4 00:00:12,889 --> 00:00:15,058 But listen to me running on here. 5 00:00:15,099 --> 00:00:16,768 - That's a lot to deal with. 6 00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:18,269 - Either way, I'd sleep a lot better 7 00:00:18,311 --> 00:00:20,563 if they could find the rest of the body. 8 00:00:20,605 --> 00:00:23,483 Thank goodness I have Yogurt Week to focus on. 9 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,401 - [clears throat] So it sounds like 10 00:00:25,443 --> 00:00:28,613 you probably aren't ready to, I don't know, 11 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,782 get a hot cocoa at Chelsea Markets 12 00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:32,158 with a male friend? 13 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,077 - Oh. Well... [chuckles] 14 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:35,411 - [screams] 15 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,914 - [gasps] - Fuck! 16 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:39,332 - [sighs] 17 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,917 - What's wrong? 18 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,460 - What's wrong? [hiccups] 19 00:00:42,502 --> 00:00:45,463 I got the hiccups from your fucking yogurt, 20 00:00:45,505 --> 00:00:47,256 and I'm set to record in... [hiccups] 21 00:00:47,298 --> 00:00:49,217 73 minutes. 22 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,010 - It's gonna be fine, Lauren. 23 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,095 - Fine? 24 00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:54,597 This is our 9/11. [hiccups] 25 00:00:54,639 --> 00:00:56,391 - You say that once every couple weeks. 26 00:00:56,432 --> 00:00:58,726 - [hiccups loudly] Fix me. 27 00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:01,729 [jazzy music] 28 00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:04,148 * * 29 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:05,858 [hiccups] - A large, odorous man 30 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:06,943 slurping ramen noodles. 31 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,487 - [hiccups] These have to be scarier. 32 00:01:09,529 --> 00:01:12,448 - Imagine Iggy Pop never recorded "Zombie Birdhouse." 33 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:14,617 - [hiccups] - Becoming an empty nester. 34 00:01:14,659 --> 00:01:15,868 - [hiccups] - You go into the sauna 35 00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:17,620 with your lifting buddy when you remember 36 00:01:17,662 --> 00:01:20,123 you gave up weekday oral for Lent. 37 00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:21,374 - Hm-- [hiccups loudly] 38 00:01:21,416 --> 00:01:24,293 - The ever-expanding Pacific garbage patch. 39 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,670 - [hiccups] - [scoffs] Really? 40 00:01:25,712 --> 00:01:26,879 [door opens] 41 00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:28,798 - Hey, Lauren, ready for your sound check? 42 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,801 - Carl, I am in the grips of diaphragmic convulsions. 43 00:01:31,843 --> 00:01:33,636 Does it sound like I'm ready to you? 44 00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:39,434 [gasps] 45 00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:42,270 - Huh. - Oh, they stopped. 46 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:45,732 - You must be our good luck charm, Carl. 47 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,066 - Carl? 48 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,192 Wait. 49 00:01:48,234 --> 00:01:49,610 No. 50 00:01:49,652 --> 00:01:52,488 - What is it? - But my hiccups did stop 51 00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:55,825 at the exact moment Carl entered the room. 52 00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:57,827 - Oh, shit. 53 00:01:57,869 --> 00:01:58,953 - I don't understand. 54 00:01:58,995 --> 00:02:00,079 - [groaning] Oh. 55 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:02,707 Oh, no! 56 00:02:02,749 --> 00:02:04,250 - Are you okay? 57 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:07,253 - My body is racist. 58 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:10,465 - What? - My body was more scared 59 00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,759 of an African American man 60 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,887 than the entire Pacific garbage patch. 61 00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:16,888 - Okay. 62 00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:18,347 - Lauren, just because they stopped 63 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:19,348 doesn't mean-- 64 00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:21,059 - Ring, ring. 65 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,102 - Uh-- - Ring, ring, Barb. 66 00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,187 - Hello? 67 00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:25,855 - Hi, it's racism, 68 00:02:25,897 --> 00:02:28,941 and I'm calling from inside the house. 69 00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,277 - Should I act like I'm still on the phone? 70 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:34,322 - If racism can exist inside my body, 71 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:36,449 it can exist literally anywhere. 72 00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:38,785 Not just pickup trucks, but Subarus. 73 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,537 Not just Cracker Barrels, but Sweetgreen. 74 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:42,914 - No way, not Sweetgreen. 75 00:02:42,955 --> 00:02:43,998 - None of us are safe. 76 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,626 I bet all your bodies are racist too. 77 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,877 Look. [laughs incredulously] 78 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:49,337 Fabian has appropriated 79 00:02:49,379 --> 00:02:50,671 Black culture with her dreadlock. 80 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:52,382 - [scoffs] It's a rattail. 81 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:53,674 - Oh-hoh! So I guess 82 00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,718 Black people are rat people to you. 83 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,638 Barb treats Chase like he's her personal geisha. 84 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,598 - How? - What's a geisha? 85 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,642 - Carl won't even hang out with me on a Friday 86 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,435 or, say, Saturday or Sunday night 87 00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,562 because the racial tension is too immense. 88 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:07,688 - That's half right. 89 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,941 - Friends, if we don't process this, 90 00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:13,069 we could have a race riot on our hands. 91 00:03:13,111 --> 00:03:15,405 Today, we are the story. 92 00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:16,823 It's new journalism. 93 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,241 - Gonzo, baby. 94 00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:20,910 Hunter S. Thompson once threatened me with a knife. 95 00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:22,787 - Lauren, what are you suggesting? 96 00:03:22,829 --> 00:03:24,622 - Will we win a Peabody? Maybe. 97 00:03:24,664 --> 00:03:26,541 I don't care about that, Barb. - [scoffs] 98 00:03:26,582 --> 00:03:28,459 - What I care about is bridging 99 00:03:28,501 --> 00:03:31,671 these unbridgeable divides live on air. 100 00:03:31,713 --> 00:03:35,049 It is time for a racial roundtable. 101 00:03:35,091 --> 00:03:36,342 - Damn it. - I knew it. 102 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:37,385 - Lauren, no. 103 00:03:37,427 --> 00:03:39,011 Not again. 104 00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:42,849 - Judging a person based on the color of their skin 105 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,017 is wrong and should not be tolerated. 106 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,894 [button clicks, twangy country music plays] 107 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:48,062 [Southern accent] Now let me play 108 00:03:48,104 --> 00:03:49,772 devil's advocate, city boy. 109 00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,607 [normally] No, this time will be different. 110 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:52,900 It won't just be me. 111 00:03:52,942 --> 00:03:53,985 - Oh, I-I love it. 112 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,320 I-I'll do my review of "The Help." 113 00:03:56,362 --> 00:03:57,613 - Oh, I'm not sure that's-- 114 00:03:57,655 --> 00:04:00,533 - Emma Stone shines in an otherwise lackluster-- 115 00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,201 [phone buzzing and playing "The Most Beautiful Girl"] 116 00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:04,245 - * Did you happen to see * 117 00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:07,915 * The most beautiful girl in the world? * 118 00:04:07,957 --> 00:04:10,418 - Oh, that's mine. 119 00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:12,837 [splutters] Hello? 120 00:04:12,879 --> 00:04:15,798 Uh, maybe. Who-who's calling? 121 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,175 Hosanna! 122 00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:20,470 You don't know how long I've waited for this call. 123 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:22,472 N-no, I don't care about the color. 124 00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:25,141 I-I can be there in ten minutes. 125 00:04:25,183 --> 00:04:27,769 They found a foreskin donor! 126 00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,187 [all groan] 127 00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,147 - Gross. I'm also leaving. 128 00:04:31,189 --> 00:04:32,565 I have a preinterview to do. 129 00:04:32,607 --> 00:04:35,318 - I thought you were boycotting the preinterview. 130 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:36,778 - If you hadn't made that fascist rule 131 00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:38,863 that I can only boycott one thing a day, 132 00:04:38,905 --> 00:04:40,156 I'd skip both. 133 00:04:40,198 --> 00:04:42,325 Enjoy the shit show. 134 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:44,660 - Carl, we're gonna need a few mics. 135 00:04:44,702 --> 00:04:47,163 Chase, the round table, please. 136 00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,456 - Lauren, we can't. 137 00:04:48,498 --> 00:04:49,791 We have a guest booked. 138 00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:52,835 - Huh. That's really too bad 139 00:04:52,877 --> 00:04:55,713 'cause I was just thinking that if I were to do the roundtable, 140 00:04:55,755 --> 00:04:57,799 it would zap so much of my energy 141 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,550 that I-I wouldn't possibly have the bandwidth 142 00:04:59,592 --> 00:05:01,844 to use these two David Sedaris tickets. 143 00:05:01,886 --> 00:05:04,430 - Oh, my God. - David Sedaris. 144 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,140 But it's sold out. 145 00:05:06,182 --> 00:05:07,683 - Mm, that's right, 146 00:05:07,725 --> 00:05:09,852 a sold out reading at Town Hall. 147 00:05:09,894 --> 00:05:11,604 - [gasps softly] - There's a world in which 148 00:05:11,646 --> 00:05:13,523 I'd be forced to give them to someone who appreciates 149 00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:16,943 his irreverent tales of English provincial life as much as I. 150 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,194 - Oh. - Hm. 151 00:05:18,236 --> 00:05:20,113 - [gasps softly] 152 00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,489 [whimpers] 153 00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:27,870 - * We shall overcome someday * 154 00:05:27,912 --> 00:05:30,206 - Earlier today, to my deep dismay, 155 00:05:30,248 --> 00:05:32,542 my anti-racist mind discovered 156 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,711 that my body still has work to do. 157 00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:37,672 So today's "In The Know" will be dedicated 158 00:05:37,714 --> 00:05:40,508 to a racial roundtable. 159 00:05:40,550 --> 00:05:42,635 In order to decenter my whiteness, 160 00:05:42,677 --> 00:05:45,096 I will speak only as narrator. - [groans softly] 161 00:05:45,138 --> 00:05:48,307 - I've gathered a melting pot of voices from our community 162 00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:52,854 to discuss, to educate, and just maybe to heal. 163 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,397 - Whoo! 164 00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:55,732 Whoo! [feedback whines softly] 165 00:05:57,275 --> 00:05:59,569 - Unfortunately, in order to do this vital work, 166 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,904 we had to cancel our scheduled guest, 167 00:06:01,946 --> 00:06:04,615 a young African American writer whose name escapes me, 168 00:06:04,657 --> 00:06:06,784 as does the title of her debut novel. 169 00:06:06,826 --> 00:06:09,412 But I'm sure whoever she is, 170 00:06:09,454 --> 00:06:12,415 she is raising up a fist in solidarity. 171 00:06:12,457 --> 00:06:13,583 [indistinct speech over phone] 172 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,834 - I understand. This should have been 173 00:06:14,876 --> 00:06:17,045 run through the proper channels. 174 00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:19,589 O-of course I remember last time. 175 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:25,595 - The fight clock is brought to you by Modelo. 176 00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:28,765 [crowd yelling and cheering] 177 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,727 - [scoffs] 178 00:06:37,482 --> 00:06:39,567 Um, okay, first off, 179 00:06:39,609 --> 00:06:41,110 you should know I don't want to be here. 180 00:06:41,152 --> 00:06:42,612 I think MMA is evil. 181 00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:44,447 And if I could be a conscientious objector 182 00:06:44,489 --> 00:06:46,157 to this interview, I would. 183 00:06:46,199 --> 00:06:48,659 - Wow. I-I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. 184 00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:50,411 What was it again? 185 00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:51,579 - Fabian. 186 00:06:51,621 --> 00:06:53,289 - Hi, Fabian. 187 00:06:53,331 --> 00:06:54,373 I'm Jorge. 188 00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:56,334 Why do you think MMA is evil? 189 00:06:56,375 --> 00:07:00,922 - Uh, because it celebrates Cro-Magnon aggression 190 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,257 and then abandons these brutes as soon 191 00:07:03,299 --> 00:07:05,718 as they've been physically and mentally enfeebled, 192 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:09,472 all to line the pockets of old, white billionaires. 193 00:07:09,514 --> 00:07:11,265 - Uh, I can see that. 194 00:07:11,307 --> 00:07:13,059 It's definitely not perfect. 195 00:07:13,101 --> 00:07:15,061 - Uh... 196 00:07:15,103 --> 00:07:17,563 no, it's not. 197 00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,190 - I think it's hard to find a job, 198 00:07:19,232 --> 00:07:20,566 especially nowadays, 199 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,735 that's not connected to, like, something dirty 200 00:07:22,777 --> 00:07:24,987 or some dirty money or something, you know? 201 00:07:25,029 --> 00:07:27,323 But that could just be a cop-out of mine. 202 00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:28,825 Well, what do you think? 203 00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:32,328 - Uh, I--I don't know. 204 00:07:32,370 --> 00:07:36,165 - Hey, maybe I'm just mentally enfeebled. 205 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:37,542 - [laughs] 206 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,170 - [sniffles] 207 00:07:43,715 --> 00:07:45,550 [whispers] I don't want to do this. 208 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,177 - Carl expresses off-mic that he wishes 209 00:07:48,219 --> 00:07:50,722 conversations like this weren't necessary. 210 00:07:50,763 --> 00:07:52,223 The narrator agrees. 211 00:07:52,265 --> 00:07:55,351 But they both know what they're doing is important. 212 00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:58,271 They share a very soulful look. 213 00:08:00,356 --> 00:08:02,358 - [whispers] I'm so sorry. 214 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,860 - Mm. 215 00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:06,320 - [clears throat] 216 00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,072 - Sensing Carl needs a moment, 217 00:08:08,114 --> 00:08:10,783 Chase, our Asian American intern... 218 00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:12,577 - What up, what up, what up? 219 00:08:13,786 --> 00:08:16,539 - Recounts a time he's been othered. 220 00:08:16,581 --> 00:08:18,040 - Totally. 221 00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,333 What is othered? 222 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:21,419 - Uh, treated differently because of how you look. 223 00:08:21,461 --> 00:08:23,004 - Oh. [scoffs] 224 00:08:23,046 --> 00:08:25,298 Man, that happens all the time. 225 00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:27,008 - Mm. Please share. 226 00:08:27,050 --> 00:08:29,719 - [sighs] Well, sometimes I'll just 227 00:08:29,761 --> 00:08:31,220 be minding my own business, 228 00:08:31,262 --> 00:08:33,181 and a stranger will tell me I'm beautiful 229 00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,016 and offer to buy me something expensive. 230 00:08:35,058 --> 00:08:36,225 - Mm. 231 00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:37,810 Wait. No. 232 00:08:37,852 --> 00:08:40,396 No, that's not what I want. - Oh. 233 00:08:40,438 --> 00:08:42,565 - Othered, othered. 234 00:08:42,607 --> 00:08:45,276 - Okay. Well, one time, 235 00:08:45,318 --> 00:08:46,360 I was in a Prada store. 236 00:08:46,402 --> 00:08:47,695 - Mm. 237 00:08:47,737 --> 00:08:49,322 - And I noticed the security guard kept 238 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,740 following me around. 239 00:08:50,782 --> 00:08:52,617 - Oh, horrendous. 240 00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:55,953 - Turns out he was actually just working up the courage 241 00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:58,414 to ask me out to see Maroon 5 unplugged. 242 00:08:58,456 --> 00:08:59,791 - [laughs] - [clears throat] 243 00:08:59,832 --> 00:09:02,835 Chase, finished shilly-shallying, 244 00:09:02,877 --> 00:09:04,712 works up the courage to share an instance 245 00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:07,632 of what we actually want here, which is racism. 246 00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,592 - Oh, wait, I've got a good one. 247 00:09:09,634 --> 00:09:11,928 Last spring, this sunglass company was 248 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:13,805 picking a new brand ambassador. 249 00:09:13,846 --> 00:09:16,766 It was between me and this super hot white guy. 250 00:09:16,808 --> 00:09:17,975 - And they chose the white guy. 251 00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:19,102 - Nope. - Damn it. 252 00:09:19,143 --> 00:09:20,520 - [laughs] 253 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,813 Chase, they can't see you. 254 00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:23,356 - Oh, right. 255 00:09:23,398 --> 00:09:25,900 Chase puts on dope shades. 256 00:09:25,942 --> 00:09:27,068 - [whispers] I'm the narrator. 257 00:09:27,110 --> 00:09:29,529 - At the "clurb" or in the pool, 258 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,948 En Fuego Frames are always cool. 259 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,783 - I'm sorry, did you just do product placement 260 00:09:33,825 --> 00:09:34,951 during our racial reckoning? 261 00:09:34,992 --> 00:09:36,369 - Hell yeah! - Chase, I don't-- 262 00:09:36,411 --> 00:09:38,621 - This one goes out to all my thick women out there-- 263 00:09:38,663 --> 00:09:39,831 and fellas. 264 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:42,375 I like them big cakes. 265 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:49,465 - Carl, realizing that the time has come, 266 00:09:49,507 --> 00:09:51,926 finally shares his story. 267 00:09:51,968 --> 00:09:53,886 - My name is Carl. 268 00:09:53,928 --> 00:09:56,389 I'm the engineer here at the station. 269 00:09:56,431 --> 00:10:00,226 - Uh, Carl elaborates, giving the audience 270 00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:03,604 important context about who he is. 271 00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:05,106 - Sure. 272 00:10:05,148 --> 00:10:08,067 I like cross-country skiing and hard science fiction. 273 00:10:08,109 --> 00:10:10,027 - And you know, physically. 274 00:10:10,069 --> 00:10:11,946 - I could stand to lose a few pounds. 275 00:10:11,988 --> 00:10:14,115 - [chuckles] 276 00:10:14,157 --> 00:10:17,285 - Well, for example, I am, unfortunately, 277 00:10:17,326 --> 00:10:19,954 a cis white man, 278 00:10:19,996 --> 00:10:22,874 whereas, you are... 279 00:10:22,915 --> 00:10:25,334 - You tell me. 280 00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:26,294 - I'd rather not. 281 00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,504 Let's try a-a different tack. 282 00:10:28,546 --> 00:10:31,716 If you were a musician, who would you be? 283 00:10:31,758 --> 00:10:33,760 - Steely Dan. - No. 284 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,344 Let's say you were a history month. 285 00:10:35,386 --> 00:10:37,055 Which-- - Maritime History Month. 286 00:10:37,096 --> 00:10:39,682 - That's not-- what--what month is that? 287 00:10:39,724 --> 00:10:41,434 - February. - No, that's-- 288 00:10:41,476 --> 00:10:43,644 - That's what? 289 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,146 - Okay, finish this sentence. 290 00:10:45,188 --> 00:10:46,522 - Sure. - Say it loud, 291 00:10:46,564 --> 00:10:48,941 "I'm blank and I'm proud." 292 00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:50,151 - An Aquarius. 293 00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:51,819 - You know what I'm proud about, Lauren? 294 00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:53,362 - It better be something Asian. 295 00:10:53,404 --> 00:10:55,239 - In a way, it is. 296 00:10:55,281 --> 00:10:59,243 En Fuego Frames are 100% legit Chinese plastic, 297 00:10:59,285 --> 00:11:01,162 manufactured in the Bangladesh. 298 00:11:01,204 --> 00:11:02,997 - What is legit Chinese plastic? 299 00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:04,165 - You know if you know. 300 00:11:04,207 --> 00:11:06,542 - Okay. The narrator realizes 301 00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:09,087 he has been going about this the wrong way. 302 00:11:12,715 --> 00:11:13,674 - What are you doing? 303 00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:15,343 - I'm code-switching. 304 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,472 It's time to change the paradigm. 305 00:11:19,514 --> 00:11:22,850 It is Lauren who is now code-switching to Carl. 306 00:11:22,892 --> 00:11:24,227 - Thanks, Lauren. 307 00:11:24,268 --> 00:11:25,812 I feel like I'm in Harlem. 308 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,146 It's very relaxing. - No, no, no, no. 309 00:11:27,188 --> 00:11:29,065 On-mic, Carl, please. 310 00:11:29,107 --> 00:11:31,651 - I have no meniscus on either knee. 311 00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:34,153 So, like, every fight was getting into, like, 312 00:11:34,195 --> 00:11:36,072 a car crash and surviving a plane wreck. 313 00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:38,699 - [scoffs] Try living with slothful ribosomes 314 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,868 and prepartum depression. 315 00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:44,956 - I had the first case of adult shaken baby syndrome. 316 00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:46,958 This is on paper. You could look this up. 317 00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:50,837 The doctor described my brain as "juicy." 318 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,631 - I've been diagnosed with phantom testicle syndrome, 319 00:11:53,673 --> 00:11:57,051 baker's neck, and an acute case of the splats. 320 00:11:57,093 --> 00:11:59,762 - I was once legally dead for 28 minutes. 321 00:11:59,804 --> 00:12:01,389 Do you understand what this means? 322 00:12:01,431 --> 00:12:04,225 For 28 minutes, I was with Genghis Khan 323 00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:05,727 getting all types of wisdom. 324 00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:08,396 And the last thing he told me is, "Go back and conquer." 325 00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:09,522 And here I am. 326 00:12:09,564 --> 00:12:10,982 - [laughs] 327 00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:12,442 Not bad. 328 00:12:13,651 --> 00:12:14,861 [sighs] 329 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,655 - I'm sorry you're in pain, Fabian. 330 00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,659 - I'm sorry you are too. 331 00:12:21,701 --> 00:12:22,952 - Let's try this. 332 00:12:22,994 --> 00:12:26,372 Carl, who would you say is your best friend? 333 00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:28,166 - Hm. I guess that would be Dante. 334 00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:30,752 - Ah, yes, Dante. 335 00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:33,504 Dant-ay. Finally. 336 00:12:33,546 --> 00:12:35,506 How do you two speak about the racism 337 00:12:35,548 --> 00:12:37,258 you experience out in the world? 338 00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,260 - The racism he experiences? 339 00:12:39,302 --> 00:12:42,263 Ha! Not Dante's white ass. 340 00:12:42,305 --> 00:12:44,015 - But--I'm confused. 341 00:12:44,057 --> 00:12:46,100 Dante is white? 342 00:12:46,142 --> 00:12:48,603 - He'd want me to specify he's Italian. 343 00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:51,522 - But Italian is white! 344 00:12:51,564 --> 00:12:53,649 - [sighs] 345 00:12:53,691 --> 00:12:55,735 - [clears throat] Apologies. 346 00:12:55,777 --> 00:13:00,114 I'd just assumed Dante was a Nubian king like yourself. 347 00:13:00,156 --> 00:13:02,116 - You know who doesn't see race? 348 00:13:02,158 --> 00:13:03,659 Most blind people. 349 00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:05,286 En Fuego Frames-- - Chase-- 350 00:13:05,328 --> 00:13:07,663 - Perfect for you blind homies out there. 351 00:13:07,705 --> 00:13:09,248 - [groans] 352 00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:13,127 - Carl, I'm sure Dante was a-a Slim Shady type, 353 00:13:13,169 --> 00:13:15,630 nursed on Mountain Dew Code Red 354 00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:19,008 with only Insane Clown Posse as his lullabies. 355 00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:20,802 - Dante and I met in Philosophy 101 356 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,011 our freshman year at Dartmouth. 357 00:13:22,053 --> 00:13:23,679 - What? - We got into a shouting match 358 00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:25,473 about Kant's categorical imperative, 359 00:13:25,515 --> 00:13:27,350 and we've been best friends ever since. 360 00:13:27,392 --> 00:13:29,310 - All right, so Dante and you are friends 361 00:13:29,352 --> 00:13:31,312 like you and I are friends. 362 00:13:31,354 --> 00:13:33,606 - You and I are colleagues. [cell phone buzzes] 363 00:13:33,648 --> 00:13:35,983 Oh-hoh! Dante just texted me right now. 364 00:13:36,025 --> 00:13:37,485 - Dante has your personal phone number? 365 00:13:37,527 --> 00:13:39,445 - Of course. - Okay, I guess 366 00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:41,364 then I'm just confused about why I don't have 367 00:13:41,406 --> 00:13:43,324 your personal phone number because I'd assumed 368 00:13:43,366 --> 00:13:45,034 it was because of the racial divide. 369 00:13:45,076 --> 00:13:46,285 - Want to know who my best friend is? 370 00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:47,829 - God, no. - God, yes. 371 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:48,996 It's Jesus Christ. 372 00:13:49,038 --> 00:13:51,207 And he said, "Love thine enemies 373 00:13:51,249 --> 00:13:53,000 and pray for those who persecute you." 374 00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:54,877 - Okay, fine. We'll go with it, Chase. 375 00:13:54,919 --> 00:13:56,170 What do you think Jesus would say 376 00:13:56,212 --> 00:13:58,131 about America's racial crisis? 377 00:13:58,172 --> 00:13:59,841 - Well, Jesus was from Egypt, right? 378 00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:01,008 - Middle East. 379 00:14:01,050 --> 00:14:02,135 - And there's a lot of sun there. 380 00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:03,720 - Right, so he was probably, 381 00:14:03,761 --> 00:14:05,263 you know, African American. 382 00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:07,515 - Don't know, but he definitely needs 383 00:14:07,557 --> 00:14:10,810 to protect those God eyes with En Fuego Shades. 384 00:14:10,852 --> 00:14:13,146 - Why are you doing this? 385 00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:14,564 - Hold up, wait up. 386 00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:16,816 Meaghan screamed at you in front of everybody 387 00:14:16,858 --> 00:14:19,569 because you asked about her mom and dad? 388 00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:21,362 - I made an offensive assumption 389 00:14:21,404 --> 00:14:22,822 about her family structure. 390 00:14:22,864 --> 00:14:25,074 - She--she had, like, the same-sex parents? 391 00:14:25,116 --> 00:14:27,201 - No, but she could have. 392 00:14:27,243 --> 00:14:29,036 She was right to shame me. 393 00:14:29,078 --> 00:14:30,705 - Ouch. 394 00:14:30,747 --> 00:14:32,123 That's crazy. 395 00:14:32,165 --> 00:14:34,000 - [sighs] 396 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,294 I have nightmares sometimes where I accidentally say 397 00:14:36,335 --> 00:14:38,588 "master bedroom" in front of Meaghan. 398 00:14:38,629 --> 00:14:40,423 - [sighs] You know, 399 00:14:40,465 --> 00:14:42,842 I got this, like, recurring nightmare 400 00:14:42,884 --> 00:14:44,552 where I go surfing in Hawaii 401 00:14:44,594 --> 00:14:46,804 and these dolphins try to, like, 402 00:14:46,846 --> 00:14:48,514 initiate me in their gang. 403 00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:50,058 But that ain't gonna be me, right? 404 00:14:50,099 --> 00:14:51,601 So I merk 'em all up. 405 00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:53,352 And then I wake up immediately. 406 00:14:53,394 --> 00:14:55,063 And I feel so bad though, 'cause of these dolph-- 407 00:14:55,104 --> 00:14:56,230 I love dolphins. 408 00:14:56,272 --> 00:14:57,356 I would never. 409 00:14:57,398 --> 00:14:58,566 - No, I-I know, Jorge. 410 00:14:58,608 --> 00:15:00,777 I know you'd never merk a dolphin. 411 00:15:02,445 --> 00:15:03,488 - Never. 412 00:15:03,529 --> 00:15:05,156 - My daughter might like these. 413 00:15:05,198 --> 00:15:06,324 - Hell yeah. 414 00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:07,408 They're the preferred sunglasses 415 00:15:07,450 --> 00:15:09,327 of social cocaine users. 416 00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:10,411 - Never mind. 417 00:15:10,453 --> 00:15:11,746 - Carl, please focus. 418 00:15:11,788 --> 00:15:14,123 Everyone is confused about why I don't have 419 00:15:14,165 --> 00:15:15,541 your personal phone number. [intercom beeps] 420 00:15:15,583 --> 00:15:18,127 - Lauren, I think we've gotten a little off track. 421 00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:19,337 - Yeah, no shit, Barb! 422 00:15:19,379 --> 00:15:21,172 Because of Chase's fucking sunglasses! 423 00:15:21,214 --> 00:15:24,175 - I'm not sure you not having Carl's phone number 424 00:15:24,217 --> 00:15:25,718 has anything to do with racism. 425 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,180 - It has everything to do with racism. 426 00:15:29,222 --> 00:15:31,349 This isn't about the Peabody anymore. 427 00:15:31,391 --> 00:15:33,393 You can keep it if it's so important to you. 428 00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:36,938 This is about Carl and I laying ourselves bare, 429 00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,773 naked and afraid. 430 00:15:38,815 --> 00:15:42,443 Together, we're making huge racial progress. 431 00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:44,445 But you don't want that, do you, Barb? 432 00:15:44,487 --> 00:15:46,072 - Why wouldn't I want that? 433 00:15:46,114 --> 00:15:48,116 - Classic white man shit. 434 00:15:48,157 --> 00:15:50,201 The more you divide Carl and me, 435 00:15:50,243 --> 00:15:52,036 the more you can control our minds. 436 00:15:52,078 --> 00:15:55,331 But not today, Barb, because we are America too. 437 00:15:55,373 --> 00:15:56,874 Hold my hand, Carl. 438 00:15:59,085 --> 00:16:00,378 Carl, your hand. 439 00:16:01,671 --> 00:16:02,755 - [groans] 440 00:16:06,718 --> 00:16:09,178 - Let's confront the white devil, Carl! 441 00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:11,472 Let's speak truth to power. 442 00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:12,724 - Who's the white devil? - Barb! 443 00:16:12,765 --> 00:16:14,892 - [gasps] - Barb and I are friends. 444 00:16:14,934 --> 00:16:16,644 - Don't tell me she has your phone number. 445 00:16:17,812 --> 00:16:19,605 What? How? Why? 446 00:16:19,647 --> 00:16:24,152 - She's kind and calm and hyper-competent. 447 00:16:24,193 --> 00:16:25,319 She's an incredible woman. 448 00:16:25,361 --> 00:16:26,863 - I'm an incredible woman! 449 00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:27,947 - Hm. 450 00:16:29,699 --> 00:16:32,577 - And Barb's really hot, physically speaking. 451 00:16:32,618 --> 00:16:34,495 - [groans] [phone line buzzes] 452 00:16:34,537 --> 00:16:36,622 Oh, thank God, a caller. 453 00:16:36,664 --> 00:16:38,166 Hello, caller. You're on the air. 454 00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:39,876 - Oh, oh, it-it's Sandy. 455 00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:42,628 Uh, m-my penis is about to be put under. 456 00:16:42,670 --> 00:16:44,839 But the doctor says I need someone 457 00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:47,425 to come pick me up after, so-- [phone clicks off] 458 00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:50,511 - [breathes deeply and dramatically] 459 00:16:54,766 --> 00:16:56,809 - I've never been able to cry. 460 00:16:56,851 --> 00:16:58,478 The sport makes you numb. 461 00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,188 And at this sport, I've excelled. 462 00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:03,775 So you know, I don't even know what that emotion's like. 463 00:17:03,816 --> 00:17:07,695 For as long as I can remember, my name has been Gamebred. 464 00:17:07,737 --> 00:17:09,030 They expect me to do one thing, 465 00:17:09,072 --> 00:17:11,616 to--to be a dog from the street and kill. 466 00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:16,370 So crying is--is not even, like, in the menu, you know? 467 00:17:16,412 --> 00:17:18,706 - Jorge, look at me. 468 00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:23,211 Street dogs deserve love. 469 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:25,963 And so do you. 470 00:17:26,005 --> 00:17:27,799 - Maybe I don't. 471 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,093 - You do. 472 00:17:30,134 --> 00:17:32,387 You're beautiful, Jorge. 473 00:17:33,846 --> 00:17:35,932 - [sniffles] 474 00:17:37,225 --> 00:17:38,393 - [clears throat] 475 00:17:38,434 --> 00:17:39,894 This has been life-changing, Lauren. 476 00:17:39,936 --> 00:17:41,562 But I think it's time to wrap things up. 477 00:17:41,604 --> 00:17:45,191 - I just Venmo-ed you $1,619, Carl. 478 00:17:45,233 --> 00:17:46,901 - What? Why? 479 00:17:46,943 --> 00:17:48,236 - Reparations. 480 00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:51,197 It's $1 for every year of slavery. 481 00:17:51,239 --> 00:17:57,412 - $1 for every year of slavery would be 1865 minus 1619. 482 00:17:57,453 --> 00:17:58,746 - If slavery were really over, 483 00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,873 but do you feel like a free man? 484 00:18:00,915 --> 00:18:01,958 - Not currently, no. 485 00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:03,584 - I don't know what to do here, Carl, 486 00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:05,962 so I'm throwing money at the situation. 487 00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:08,005 - [scoffs] Are you sure you Venmo-ed me? 488 00:18:08,047 --> 00:18:09,465 I didn't get anything. 489 00:18:09,507 --> 00:18:12,093 - What? I'm looking at your name. 490 00:18:12,135 --> 00:18:14,220 - Mm, he spells Carl with a C. 491 00:18:14,262 --> 00:18:16,305 - Since when? - Since always. 492 00:18:16,347 --> 00:18:17,473 - Fuck! [intercom beeps] 493 00:18:17,515 --> 00:18:19,892 - Lauren, you're still on the air. 494 00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:24,647 - Mistaken reparations. Please return. 495 00:18:28,484 --> 00:18:31,738 - Return reparations immediately. 496 00:18:31,779 --> 00:18:36,117 Don't want to have to get law enforcement involved. 497 00:18:36,159 --> 00:18:37,744 - Oh, you're calling law enforcement 498 00:18:37,785 --> 00:18:39,620 on the Black person you sent the Venmo to? 499 00:18:39,662 --> 00:18:40,830 [phone dings] - Uh! 500 00:18:40,872 --> 00:18:45,043 This motherfucker just liked the transaction. 501 00:18:45,084 --> 00:18:47,503 This is the worst Yogurt Week ever. 502 00:18:47,545 --> 00:18:49,964 And I thought last month's was terrible. 503 00:18:50,006 --> 00:18:52,300 Carl, I am not one to cast blame. 504 00:18:52,341 --> 00:18:54,218 - That's for the best. - But I can't help thinking 505 00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:55,887 that if I had had your phone number, 506 00:18:55,928 --> 00:18:57,472 I wouldn't have sent reparations 507 00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:58,473 to the wrong Black person. 508 00:18:58,514 --> 00:19:00,391 - And now you're owed reparations 509 00:19:00,433 --> 00:19:01,768 for your reparations. 510 00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:03,686 Slavery's evil knows no end. 511 00:19:03,728 --> 00:19:05,980 [cell phone buzzes] 512 00:19:06,022 --> 00:19:08,149 - Karl with a K just requested more money. 513 00:19:08,191 --> 00:19:09,942 - No! 514 00:19:09,984 --> 00:19:11,152 God! 515 00:19:12,779 --> 00:19:15,073 - Fabian, you can cry. 516 00:19:15,114 --> 00:19:16,657 - I can't. 517 00:19:16,699 --> 00:19:18,242 - You can. 518 00:19:18,284 --> 00:19:21,829 And trust me, believe me, it feels amazing. 519 00:19:26,042 --> 00:19:28,836 - I just fucking can't, okay? 520 00:19:28,878 --> 00:19:31,130 What are we even doing here, Jorge? 521 00:19:31,172 --> 00:19:35,343 I'm just some girl with a rattail 522 00:19:35,385 --> 00:19:38,388 and an immune system that's declared war on itself. 523 00:19:38,429 --> 00:19:40,348 I--I am picky. 524 00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:41,849 I am difficult. 525 00:19:41,891 --> 00:19:43,434 I'm a pescatarian. 526 00:19:43,476 --> 00:19:45,436 I'm allergic to most seasons. 527 00:19:45,478 --> 00:19:46,687 [sighs] 528 00:19:46,729 --> 00:19:49,232 If you and I knew each other in real life, 529 00:19:49,273 --> 00:19:51,901 you would walk all over me. 530 00:19:51,943 --> 00:19:53,236 - Fabian. 531 00:19:54,654 --> 00:19:58,699 Don't push me away because we're both feeling vulnerable. 532 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,661 - We should wrap up. 533 00:20:01,702 --> 00:20:03,704 This was just another stupid preinterview. 534 00:20:03,746 --> 00:20:05,373 - No. 535 00:20:05,415 --> 00:20:07,542 This was the interview. 536 00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:10,712 It only took me five seconds to knock out Ben Askren. 537 00:20:10,753 --> 00:20:13,464 Just because a moment is brief 538 00:20:13,506 --> 00:20:15,758 doesn't mean it's not wonderful. 539 00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:20,012 - Agh! 540 00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:23,808 A system that keeps us from being friends 541 00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:26,728 and defrauds me of $1,600 542 00:20:26,769 --> 00:20:29,313 is a system that must burn! 543 00:20:29,355 --> 00:20:30,690 - Yes! En Fuego time. 544 00:20:30,732 --> 00:20:32,024 Put these on. 545 00:20:33,568 --> 00:20:35,445 Nice. - The narrator realizes 546 00:20:35,486 --> 00:20:37,905 it's time for a race riot! 547 00:20:38,781 --> 00:20:41,617 Rosa sat so Martin could walk. 548 00:20:41,659 --> 00:20:44,162 [grunting] 549 00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:49,375 Martin walked so I could destroy my own office! 550 00:20:49,417 --> 00:20:51,127 Yeah! 551 00:20:51,169 --> 00:20:52,295 Ah! 552 00:20:53,546 --> 00:20:55,548 Ah--oh, no. 553 00:20:55,590 --> 00:20:56,758 [intercom beeps] - Lauren, 554 00:20:56,799 --> 00:20:58,426 stop acting like a baby. 555 00:20:58,468 --> 00:21:00,678 - No! Uh! 556 00:21:02,138 --> 00:21:04,098 - Uh, watch the wires, Lauren. 557 00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:06,100 - Well, maybe it's time to cut the wires, Carl, 558 00:21:06,142 --> 00:21:08,770 the wires of systemic racism. 559 00:21:09,979 --> 00:21:11,022 [groans] 560 00:21:11,064 --> 00:21:12,356 - Those are expensive. 561 00:21:12,398 --> 00:21:13,941 - I don't give a rat's ass. 562 00:21:13,983 --> 00:21:15,693 This is for redlining. 563 00:21:15,735 --> 00:21:16,861 [strains] - Lauren. 564 00:21:16,903 --> 00:21:18,029 - This is for Elvis. 565 00:21:18,071 --> 00:21:19,906 - Enough. 566 00:21:21,908 --> 00:21:25,119 If I give you my number, will that end this? 567 00:21:25,161 --> 00:21:26,412 - Racism? 568 00:21:26,454 --> 00:21:27,580 Yes. 569 00:21:27,622 --> 00:21:28,664 I promise. 570 00:21:28,706 --> 00:21:30,541 - Fine. I'll give it to you. 571 00:21:30,583 --> 00:21:32,126 Just stop messing with my equipment. 572 00:21:32,168 --> 00:21:33,961 - Yes! 573 00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:37,632 I knew this roundtable was a good idea. 574 00:21:37,673 --> 00:21:39,926 Could--could someone help me get down? 575 00:21:39,967 --> 00:21:42,053 It's just a high table. 576 00:21:50,853 --> 00:21:53,773 - I'm not ready to say goodbye. 577 00:21:53,815 --> 00:21:55,400 - Neither am I. 578 00:21:56,692 --> 00:21:58,319 I'll never forget this, Fabian. 579 00:21:58,361 --> 00:22:02,698 I-it was really nice meeting you a-and, uh, yeah. 580 00:22:03,950 --> 00:22:05,576 - Uh--wait. Jorge? 581 00:22:05,618 --> 00:22:07,078 - Yeah? 582 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:10,164 - Your neck pain, uh, you might have what doctors 583 00:22:10,206 --> 00:22:12,792 will soon wake up and call "bone soup." 584 00:22:12,834 --> 00:22:14,711 I run an online forum for the afflicted, 585 00:22:14,752 --> 00:22:16,713 you know, if you ever want to join. 586 00:22:16,754 --> 00:22:19,173 - Maybe I'll see you there. 587 00:22:19,215 --> 00:22:20,550 - [laughs] 588 00:22:20,591 --> 00:22:22,343 I would love that. 589 00:22:22,385 --> 00:22:24,262 - Bone soup. 590 00:22:31,602 --> 00:22:35,148 - I'm really sorry I said yes to the roundtable. 591 00:22:35,189 --> 00:22:37,817 I was blinded by my love of Sedaris. 592 00:22:37,859 --> 00:22:39,026 - It's okay. 593 00:22:39,068 --> 00:22:41,362 It did go better than the first one. 594 00:22:41,404 --> 00:22:43,406 [laughter] 595 00:22:44,782 --> 00:22:46,701 - I feel horrible you gave Lauren 596 00:22:46,743 --> 00:22:48,536 your personal phone number. 597 00:22:48,578 --> 00:22:49,912 - It's fine. 598 00:22:51,414 --> 00:22:55,043 - You probably don't feel like going to see David Sedaris 599 00:22:55,084 --> 00:22:56,461 with me tonight, do you? 600 00:22:56,502 --> 00:22:57,545 [elevator dings] - Oh. 601 00:22:57,587 --> 00:22:58,546 Uh, well-- 602 00:22:58,588 --> 00:23:01,215 - [groaning] 603 00:23:01,257 --> 00:23:03,843 My body is rejecting the foreskin. 604 00:23:03,885 --> 00:23:06,679 [groaning] 605 00:23:06,721 --> 00:23:09,891 - Oh, Sandy, your penis. 606 00:23:09,932 --> 00:23:11,434 - I'll get some ice. 607 00:23:24,072 --> 00:23:25,531 - [sighs contentedly] 608 00:23:39,629 --> 00:23:42,757 [phone buzzing] 609 00:23:44,217 --> 00:23:45,385 - [hiccups] 610 00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:52,183 [Lauren hiccups intermittently over bouncy music] 611 00:23:52,225 --> 00:23:59,107 * *