- Never hurts to have a spot.
- If I'm the safety rep,
then I guess you're the safety rep's safety rep.
- [chuckles] [smoke detector beeping]
Can't have our leader falling and bonking her head.
We need that elegant brain unbruised.
- Carl! [elevator dings]
- Well, the sperm bank won't let me donate anymore.
- What?
- They said my sperm are "too passive."
Apparently, they coddle the egg without any penetration.
- I don't understand,
but I don't want an explanation.
- They said even the boldest of my sperm
only managed to do a series of "semi-offensive bows."
I just don't know what to do.
- Um...
- You could always donate blood.
- Oh, no. I refuse to give even one drop
until they accept donations from people with AIDS.
[door clicks]
[upbeat music]
* *
- I'm so sorry, Fabian, but as I've tried to explain,
you're not allowed to have a lit oil lamp in the office.
- It's an emotional support flame.
- Is it prescribed?
- You can't ask me that.
- I'm sorry, Fabian. Rules are rules.
- [blows]
- You know that law where you can't yell fire in a theater?
That's because of me.
[soft jazz music]
* *
- Lauren, you're on.
- Everything is OK with my life,
and I couldn't be more excited for today's guest,
a multi-hyphenate of profound insight and intellect.
Roxane Gay, welcome to "In the Know."
- Thank you for having me.
- Roxane uh, before we start...
- Mm-hmm. - No biggie,
but I'm currently dealing with a devastating personal issue.
But it shan't interfere with the interview in any way.
- OK.
- [exhales]
You are someone who seems to thrive
discussing uncomfortable topics.
How do you find the courage
to be so brutally honest in your writing?
- Well, you know, I don't know that it's courage.
I just do it, despite being absolutely terrified
at all times, and hope for the best.
- Roxane, if it's stressing you out,
uh, please just know that the personal situation
I alluded to is a medical thing.
- Uh-huh.
- But we're not here to talk about that.
Roxane, what do you think
the next wave of feminism will look like?
Because I believe, as an ally,
that the next wave must be led by white cis het men.
We've made the mess. We clean it up.
You break it, you bought it. - No.
The next wave of feminism is going to be led
by young people of color
because they have the keenest understanding
of what's truly at stake when we talk
about equality and equity.
And I think Black women have actually--
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Lauren, do you want to talk about what's distracting you?
- I'm not--I'm fine.
- Well, if you need to talk, I'm here.
I'm a great listener, I'm told.
- Do you want me to just tell you what it is?
- I do.
- I actually don't feel comfortable
talking about it on air.
- [sighs] He can't focus.
This is gonna be tough to edit.
- If it helps lighten your load,
I could take over as safety rep.
- Oh, I couldn't put that on you.
- It'd be my pleasure.
Emergency management's actually a passion of mine.
- Really?
- It's imagination meets preparation.
We like to say on our subreddit,
if you can fear it, you can plan for it.
- Hmm.
- When you embrace vulnerability
and choose to see it as an asset
rather than a liability,
that can be incredibly powerful--
- This morning, I was diagnosed with having passive sperm.
There. [sighs]
- What on Earth is passive sperm?
- Think of my sperm almost like a seventh-grade boy
at a Sadie Hawkins dance.
- Oh, boy.
- Huddling in the corner, pulling his pud,
frightened of the girls.
And it's very upsetting
because masturbating was my way of giving back.
But now at clinics, they've turned me away.
- Mm.
- And I just feel a real loss of vocation.
- Well, I could see how you would feel a loss of vocation,
what with all of that good Samaritan masturbation
that you've been doing.
- Well, I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do
if my sperm is literally allergic to eggs.
- You can still masturbate on your own,
and you can know that your soldiers have
fought as hard as they could.
- Like Antietam.
- [chuckles] Exactly like that.
- Oh, Roxane, thank you.
I'm ready to move on. - OK, good.
- If you were stuck in a library
during an apocalyptic blizzard,
what is the first book you would burn for warmth?
- Oh, wow.
- For me, it would be Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink"
because I just believe-- and, you know,
I mean this in a neutral and objective way--
it's pure horseshit.
- How is seasonal depression not a serious safety issue?
- Totally.
I don't know anybody back at Florida State
that's depressed.
Lots of alcohol poisoning but very few suicides.
- Barb's clearly been safety rep for far too long.
The power's gone to her head.
Viva la revolución.
- You know, people don't know how to take me.
They often perceive me as a man,
which is weird because I have a great rack.
- [laughing] Oh, my goodness!
Roxane! - It's just true.
[both laugh]
- You're a delight.
Now, you've said you like to write
with "Law and Order: SVU" playing in the background.
- Mm-hmm.
The rhythm of the episodes, I have found,
is really conducive to my writing process.
- I do something similar when I'm preparing for interviews.
I put on the video of Solange kicking Jay-Z
in that elevator.
- [laughs] You know what?
I work out to that every day.
It's amazing. - [laughs]
A Peloton instructor can't compete with sisterly rage.
- Who among us wouldn't want to take up arms for Beyoncé?
- I once slapped a boy in my Hebrew school
for insulting Roberta Flack.
- And you know what? You were right for doing that
because Roberta Flack is a goddess.
- Excuse me one moment. Barb!
- Lauren, what is it? You're mid-interview.
- I think the seat warmer feature on my office chair
might be causing my passive sperm.
I need you to exchange it.
- Fine, right after the interview.
- No, right now, Barb!
I'm not trying to give my semen an endless spa day.
- I'll be back in 30 minutes.
Oh, and before I forget,
Carl will be taking over as safety rep.
- That's right.
- So, Carl, what's your position
on emotional support flames?
- Against?
- Then I'm against you.
No transfer of power can happen
without a free and fair election.
- Nice!
Voting is my favorite part of "The Masked Singer."
I get a say!
- And if there's going to be an election,
I will be throwing my hat in the ring.
- Oh, shit!
- So vote right now?
- Hold on a second.
Let's slow things down.
I'm a registered swing voter, and I need to be seduced.
- You mean convinced.
- Whatever you want to call it, Daddy.
- That sounds cool.
I would also like to be seduced.
[bell dings]
- Dios mío.
You have the perfect proportion for a chair.
What is your name?
- Barb.
- Barb, I'm called Mariola,
and it will be my great pleasure
to find you the perfect chair.
- Oh. [laughs]
I just need to do an exchange and get back.
It isn't for me.
- But Barb, everyone needs a chair.
- I have a standing desk.
- A standing desk?
Qué horror.
They won't be happy till they've taken
everything that is beautiful.
- Who are they?
- You know who they are.
[light jazz music]
* *
- If boxing is the sweet science,
our next guest is J. Robert Oppenheimer.
And like his atomic bomb, the power our guest produced
was devastating and, at times, beautiful.
Michael Tyson, welcome to "In the Know."
We're so happy to have you. - Thank you.
It's an honor for me to be here.
- My favorite sport is "The Great British Bake Off"
because it's so important to show
ugly people on television.
What do you think people enjoy about watching boxing?
- The science.
Some people enjoy the science, the technique.
And some people are truly into the brutality of it.
- Hmm.
Did you ever think in the middle of a bout,
"I wish I could just look my opponent in the eye
and say, 'I am enough'"?
- I do that when I smash his face.
- Interesting.
Now, Michael, when you're training for a fight,
you famously listen exclusively to moody folk music.
- No, when I'm training,
nothing but hardcore hip-hop-- hardcore.
The most destructive hip-hop, the most vile hip-hop,
that's what I listen to when I train.
- Right, but you must have trained
to Carole King's rendition
of "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman."
- I would not--I would never use that song, sir.
- What about Joni Mitchell?
- No, I would not use Ms. Mitchell.
- Buffy Sainte-Marie? - No.
- Joan Baez. - No, no.
Listen-- - Patti Smith.
Vashti Bunyan?
The McGarrigle Sisters? - No.
- But our researcher Fabian insisted
that you love to shadowbox while listening
to "Ladies of the Canyon."
- No, Fabian fucked up.
- You know, I'm glad to hear you say that, Michael,
because any time I give any constructive criticism,
she says all feedback is violence.
- Well, violence is a state of mind.
It's a perspective on violence.
That's not violent to you, but it's violent to her.
- Hmm.
- Well, Michael, if you like strongly-worded hip-hop,
you should listen to Lin-Manuel Miranda's rap
about "The West Wing."
It's deliciously funky. - Wow.
- And have you seen his sketch on the Amy Schumer show?
It's over six minutes long.
- Hey, I like that. That sounds good.
- And if the garbage chutes aren't weight-bearing,
that escape route just became a death trap.
- Wow, you really know your shit.
- Uh, I've got a safety question.
How many horny boomers could you have
in this office after hours before it's a fire hazard?
- Hypothetically?
- No.
- If you gentlemen have a minute,
I'd like to show you something.
- What do we really know about Carl?
[dramatic music]
Carl has a bachelor's degree in music production.
Carl has a friendly relationship with his ex-wife.
Carl goes to the bathroom two or three times a day.
[toilet flushes]
If we didn't know these things...
- Whoa, Carl.
That's some dark shit.
You're like Pennywise, dude.
- That was just facts about me set to scary music.
- Yeah, but she's right.
You do go to the bathroom sometimes.
- It--it--it's nice.
I don't know. I--I really should get back.
- [blows]
[soft Spanish guitar music]
* *
[whispering] What are you feeling?
- I'm trying to think what Lauren would want.
- Mierda.
Do not think about this Lauren.
She does not own you.
Ask yourself,
what does Barb want?
- Oh!
- My favorite teacher in high school
was part educator, part spiritual advisor,
and part amateur masseuse, and he was eventually arrested.
What do you think is the ideal relationship
between a boxer and their trainer?
- Anyone that has a mentor or a trainer,
their job is to make him happy.
- For him to make you happy or for you to make him happy?
- No, for me to make whoever my mentor is happy.
If he says, "I want another heavyweight champ--
I can't wait to get another"-- I'm that heavyweight champ.
- It's funny--I participate
in an elderly self-defense class at the JCC,
and I have a sensei, Muriel.
And she's an 85-year-old tax attorney.
And she once held me down on the mat until I wept.
- Wow.
- And I'm the youngest student by 30 years,
but there are some defense tactics
that I've learned in that class that even you, Michael,
would not be able to overpower.
- I'm sure there are some,
but you won't be the one to do it.
- Michael, I'm telling you.
I coil up like a little hermit crab so tightly
that even you would not be able to pry me loose.
And you could punt me clear down a hallway,
as I have been punted, and I would never let go.
- I don't believe that.
Everybody's using force against you.
I would tickle you.
- Oh, my goodness gracious, you're right.
I'm helpless in the face of a tickle monster.
- I reign supreme.
- By the time they were found,
not even dental records could identify them.
1977, Spokane.
An insurance company enjoys a holiday party--
eggnog, secretive Santas.
What these revelers don't know is, there's simultaneously
an electrical fire in the copy room
and a disgruntled former coworker with a chainsaw
coming up the stairs.
A classic perfect storm scenario.
- That's fucking crazy.
- Not if you've planned for it. [projector hums]
- Those are statistical anomalies.
Do you know the very real danger
we face every single day?
- Mandatory vaccinations.
- MILF attacks? - No.
Neuropsychic trauma.
- That sounds bad.
- These are the rules.
The rules will protect us.
- "No fluorescent lighting."
Hmm, that sounds pretty chill.
- No email subject lines in all caps,
no mention of films that fail the Bechdel Test,
no lunches you can smell
or other traumatic stink attacks.
- You covered our OSHA-mandated fire plan.
- OSHA isn't in charge here anymore.
- Oh, hell yeah! Punk rock!
CBGB's, man.
- When you think back on young Michael Tyson,
do you feel a tenderness or a protectiveness
for the little boy who was putting up
with so much difficulty?
- He cannot be protected.
He has to go through the ring of fire
in order to succeed-- to succeed in life.
He has to be burnt.
- [sighs] I feel as though I'm going
through a ring of fire myself.
I was recently diagnosed with passive sperm.
Do you think my diagnosis makes me any less of a man?
- Hey, listen, I don't know.
Maybe you need more vitamins,
you need iron to get the sperm more dense.
I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you.
- I've noticed that my sperm does seem more diluted lately.
It used to be a more viscous--
not to get into the gory specifics,
but it used to be more viscous.
And now it feels like a poorly brewed tea.
[sensual guitar music]
* *
[chair vibrating]
- [sighing]
Ooh!
[sighs]
[gasps]
[breathing heavily] Faster.
I want to know them all.
- And so you will.
* *
- You were so dominant as a boxer for so long.
What did it feel like when you finally lost?
- That was the best fight of my life
because I learn from loss.
That's what loss is.
Life is about loss.
You know, we, um-- we lose people we love.
We lose our hair. We lose our teeth.
We lose our interest to live, and then we die.
And loss is a part of love, a great part of love.
Loss is celebrated more than life is.
- That's very profound, and the way
I'm hearing that is, the loss of spermatic potency
is a part of loving your sperm.
And even though it's difficult
to lose your sperm's assertiveness,
if I truly love my sperm, I have to accept the loss of it
as a part of my relationship to my own jism.
- Absolutely. It's your sperm.
- [groaning]
- We need to erase your smell.
- The alcohol is burning my skin.
Ahh! - Shh.
[whispering] It's quiet hour.
- Why can't I eat my protein bars?
- I already explained it to you.
When you smack your lips, it makes me
want to reach down your throat and tie up your tongue.
And violence, even my own violent fantasies,
make me feel very upset and unsafe.
- Oh, right.
- [grunts] It's burning bad.
- That means it's working.
- This is your chair, these are your measurements,
and this number is the New York state sales tax.
- [sighs]
I can't buy it.
I need to go back.
- Por qué?
- They need me.
- Do they?
- Where's Carl?
- Carl's dead.
[both scream] - God!
- He didn't follow the safety protocols,
and now he has a rusty pipe through his stomach!
- [gasps]
[screaming]
- Shit, he's covered in rubbing alcohol!
- Where are the fire extinguishers?
- I--I removed them. - Why?
- Because they made me think of dog penises!
- [groaning]
- I--I found an extinguisher!
- No, don't! That's--
- [screaming]
- That's bear spray!
- Why do you have bear spray?
- There could be a bear attack!
- Funky butt loving-- [elevator dings]
[screaming] - Sandy!
- [screaming]
[sighing]
I--I vote Barb for safety rep.
- Me too.
- Yeah. - Me too.
- Oh, wasn't that amazing?
I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.
'Tis better to have loved your sperm's potency
and lost it than to have never been potent at all.
Loss is a part of love.
- I know exactly what you mean.
I had the most incredible exp-- - Oh, good, you got the chair.
I have walked through the fire.
I reign supreme.
- [gasps]
[sensual guitar music]
* *