- Before I leave this Earth,
I want you to have this feather boa.
One of my johns from the '80s used to choke me out with it.
He used to kick the shit out of me.
- Wow. Thank you.
- [clears throat] Did Sandy tell you he's dying?
- Dr. Bronner diagnosed him with Anderson Coo-pie-is.
- Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.
I-it's terminal.
- Sandy, we've been over this.
Dr. Bronner's is a cult-y soap company.
He's not an actual physician.
- Well, every time I email customer service
with my symptoms, I always receive a diagnosis.
Carl, I want you to have this frisbee
that once belonged to Sirhan Sirhan.
- No, thanks.
[elevator bell rings]
- * I hope I never figure out who broke your heart *
* Maybe if I do--*
Oh! [laughs]
Good morning, everyone.
- Whoa, did Lauren get morning sex?
- Chase, asking me that is a crime.
This smile is because today,
I am interviewing my dream guests.
* Spend all night losing sleep *
- Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
- What is it, Fabian?
- People are tweeting that Lauren's voice
is making them sick.
- What are you talking about?
- "Lauren Caspian's voice made me spew all over my car."
- We might have to cancel today's show.
- Oh, no.
[upbeat jazz music]
- This post has two likes.
One by the poster and the other by you.
- Oh, so a topic has to be trending before
you'll worry your little, gray bean about it, bean head?
- Fabian, today is not a good time
for one of your misbegotten crusades.
- [scoffs] Name one of my justice actions
that you found misbegotten.
- You did try to get Walgreens to cancel Red Nose Day
because it trivialized nasal rosacea.
- Listen, this is important.
One tweet could be just the tip of the iceberg.
What if Lauren's voice
is making thousands of people sick,
but they're too afraid to come forward?
- Oh, Fabian. You're being ridiculous.
- Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm just another shrill, ridiculous bitch.
I should probably, what, like, take a chill pill?
Huh, Doctor Misogyn-berg? Smile more?
I'd probably have a hell of a lot more friends!
[laughs]
But then again, I'm not sure I really
want to be friends with people who ignore the nauseous.
If any of y'all regrow your micro-consciences,
you'll know where to find me.
I will be the one fighting for the people
no one else believes.
- Let me know if any of them has Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.
- Sandy, that's not real.
- So wait. Who's your dream guest, Lauren?
- [chuckling] Oh, my dear boy.
Only the greatest musical duo of all time.
- Oh, shit.
You're interviewing the Ying Yang Twins?
- No, not familiar.
These two are like Simon and Garfunkel
if they had the courage to be lesbians.
- Tegan and Sara say they're ready for Lauren.
- Holy fucking shit!
They know my name!
[upbeat jazz music playing]
* *
If music is food for the soul,
our next guests are angelic confectioners.
These twin geniuses have voiced the angst of youth
all over the world.
And I am not just an ally, I am also a super fan.
Tegan and Sara, welcome to "In The Know."
- [laughs] - Wow.
What a wonderful introduction that was.
- That was maybe one of the nicest,
most enthusiastic, genuine introductions we've ever had.
- Okay. Get it together, Lauren.
[clears throat]
In a "GQ" article, you said that
if the only milestone you achieved
was a Terry Gross interview, you would be thrilled.
What is it about my public radio colleague
that you find so appealing?
- I think that the key is that I feel very...
heard... - Mm.
- When she's listening.
And that's not that--
- A lot of people won't even listen to what you're saying.
- Yeah. They, like, interrupt you
or they-- - Yes, that happens a lot.
And it's particularly with straight men, I've found.
- Yeah.
- It's very hard to even get a word in edgewise, you know?
- It's so-- It's so true.
- I don't know if you've ever experienced that before,
but that is something that does happen, sadly.
- Yep.
- And it's not just--
don't let anyone gaslight you about it
because it happens all day, every day.
- It does happen.
- It literally happens all the time.
- I don't even think they mean to do it.
- Well, stay woke. Wake up, men.
Now, in regard to Terry Gross,
unfortunately, that is all an act.
She's cold as an icicle and dumb as rocks.
We call her Very Gross.
And if you've ever seen her eat,
you know what I'm talking about.
Ranch dressing seems to linger on her lips
like a memory on a summer night.
I consider her the marm of public radio,
and I don't throw that term around lightly.
- Lauren told me Iwas the marm of public radio.
- More like marmalade. [chuckles]
Sweet but sophisticated.
- Thank you.
- Marmalade is the queen of jellied fruits.
- [chuckling] Oh, Carl!
- * I spent all night, loose leaf tea *
* I spin banana, lose my mime *
* While I spin banana, lose my mime *
That song is one of my all-time favorites.
- "Living Room." I wrote that.
- And what did you mean when you said
"I spin banana, lose my mime"?
- Uh, the lyric I wrote, but who cares...
- Like, doesn't matter.
- Is "spend all night and lose my mind."
- Well, my understanding, as a sapiosexual,
non-penetrative,
was if I were to spin my banana,
which I assumed was a metaphor for masturbation,
then I would lose my mime,
which is more about symbolic than actual touch.
Does that make sense?
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
That' great. - That's astonishing.
- Yes, if you spin your banana,
you're no longer a mime.
You're just another horny, little freak at summer camp
befouling his sleeping bag.
- Wow.
- Come on, people.
I know you're out there. [door opens]
Let me help you.
- Hi, Fabian. Are you doing okay?
- [sighs]
- Look, it's wonderful that you're always so eager
to champion marginalized groups,
but-- - [shushes]
Something's happening.
- I stopped therapy recently
because my therapist changed offices without telling me.
And that was particularly traumatic,
because my mother ghosted me minutes after my own birth.
The doctor said he'd never seen a woman in her condition
run so fast.
- Hmm. - Hmm.
[laughing] You okay?
- Now, here's something I've been wondering about.
If we were all stranded on a desert island,
what do you think we would all eat?
- Yeah, I feel like if I just had a break, I--
I-I just-- I-I'm feeling nauseous.
- Mm. It's probably nerves.
Now, which one of you is the heartthrob,
and which one of you is the slutty genius?
- She's getting sick.
On air.
This is the proof my silent sufferers
have been waiting for!
- But, Fabian, let's not jump to--
- Please stop talking.
- My girlfriend, also named Lauren,
looks a lot like me. - Please, please--
- Now, does that make me
an honorary identical twin lesbian?
- I'm so sorry. I can't do this.
- What? No.
- Great to meet you, Lauren.
Best of luck. - No, no, no.
Please, please, please, please.
Please.
- We don't know that Lauren's voice made Tegan sick.
- We don't know that it didn't.
It needs to be investigated.
- What's #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow?
- It's a Discord group I created.
- Fabian, don't you think
you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion?
- I refuse to be silent
while Lauren terrorizes America with his wet vowels.
- They cut it short.
- Oh, Lauren, I'm so sorry.
- Tegan or Sara had what I assume were moontime cramps.
But it's odd that Tegan or Sara didn't have them too
because their cycles must be synced.
Unless one of them is pregnant.
[gasps] With twins.
- Lauren, it wasn't moontime cramps.
It was your voice.
- Absurd.
Also, if, and I mean if
my voice had anything to do with it,
it's because of Carl's antique machinery.
- Stop right there!
That's a Yamaha TF3 console.
It has 48 channels, 25 motorized faders,
and 8 FX processors.
If there is a God, she mics up through that.
- Well, then how else do you explain it?
The Queens of Calgary just left me with Socratic blue balls.
[phone buzzes] - Oh, the community grows.
There are now five courageous victims
using the hashtag #InTheKnowMakesMeBlow.
- Hello.
We partying up in here?
- No, like blow chunks.
- I blew a guy named Chunks once.
Just for the story. [chuckles]
We ended up falling in fucking love.
- Lauren, there's nothing wrong with your voice.
And if it makes anyone sick, they can just not tune in.
- Really?
Would you tell a person who uses a wheelchair
to just not enter a building without ramps?
Well, guess what?
That building is their house.
- Oh, shit. For real?
- [inhales deeply]
Listen, we've all had a long first 18 minutes of work.
- You know what?
Twitter is an echo chamber of Russian bots.
Let's go live to the listeners
and ask them what they think of my voice.
- Oh, Lauren, I really don't think that's necessary.
- Good afternoon, folks.
Some internet trolls have claimed
that my voice causes nausea.
- If you or a family member has been a victim
of Lauren Caspian's sound poisoning,
please call in now.
Use your voice to bravely silence his.
- We want to hear from you, our beloved fans.
[buzzer buzzes] Hello, caller.
You're on the air. - Um, hi.
My name's Darryl from Staten Island.
- Ah. The island that is Staten.
- Yeah, so about your voice, it doesn't make me sick.
- [sighs] Thank you, Darryl.
- But it does piss me off!
- I beg pardon?
- It's pretentious, the weird pauses.
"The island that is Staten."
You sound like a cuck William Shatner.
- I'm--I'm not sure I know what you mean.
- There! You did it again.
Barf!
[receiver slams down]
- Speaking truth to power.
- Fuck, man.
Chunks.
I guess I still really miss him.
[buzzer buzzes] - Next. You're on.
- Hi, first time listener, long time caller.
- Mm.
- I didn't realize it till you said it,
but your voice does kind of make me feel ill.
- Okay. But I'm sure--
- Think subtle.
Like, a small but very angry child punched me
straight in the belly-- - Goodbye.
- Or that feeling when you've disappointed a loved one
or you have to take a terrible crap.
- But those should feel different.
Next.
- Hi. Am I on? - Mm-hmm.
- Have you heard of the Lauren Caspian challenge?
- Of course.
Our station-sponsored charity dance competition.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, it's this thing I started on TikTok
where you drink half a gallon of milk
and you see how long you can listen to your voice
without ralphing. - What?
- Honestly, I can't believe
that I've been talking to you this long
without-- [vomits violently]
- The people have been heard.
- Hmm.
- And I'm afraid our lines are now closed.
- Hello.
Am I on?
- Seriously, Carl?
- Sorry, last one.
- Mr. Caspian, this is Susan from Winnipeg again.
- Yeah. And my voice makes you want to inject bleach.
- [chuckling] Oh.
Oh, heavens no.
We here in Winnipeg love your voice.
- Really? - [moans slightly]
- May I ask what Winnipeggers like about it?
- Oh, um, well, it's smooth. - Smooth.
- And very...
medium... - Mm.
- And sort of sexy. [chuckles]
- Susan, if I could be so bold as to return the complement,
you have a very sexy voice yourself.
- Oh. [chuckles]
- Hey, pervert, you're talking to Barb.
- No, you're not.
- Ugh! Barb!
Now I need to go throw up.
Ugh!
- The lunch I find is my base layer,
but then I add my own little flourishes
to bring it to life.
- Thank you for passing on your wisdom before you die.
- [gagging]
[Lauren vomiting] - You okay, Lauren?
- I just survived a modern-day public stoning.
- I get it, man.
I make people sick all the time.
I once accidentally distributed asbestos cigarettes
at a "Rocky Horror Picture Show."
They did the time warp forever.
And soon, so will I.
- What am I going to do? My voice is everything.
- Dude, Patrick from "SpongeBob" has a weird voice,
and he's one of the hottest men alive.
- This is my 9/11. [sniffles]
- [clears throat] Testing.
Testing one, two.
- Sounds good, Sandy. - [clears throat]
Season's greetings, movie mavens.
This week, I'm diving into some scalding hot new releases.
First up, "the Godfather," AKA "The Yawn Father."
Stick to making wine, Francis.
But just as I was about to give up on cinema forever,
along came Linkard Richlater's "Boyhood."
It took 12 years to make this movie.
Consider that.
For 12 years, every man, woman, and child
had to live on set, never allowed to leave.
They ate there, slept there, and at times,
surely had to be kept there through the aid of fences
and physical violence.
But at the end of the day, they made a movie,
and movies make so much money.
I'd call that time well spent.
It's been an honor to review the newest flicks
in Hollyweird for you, my fine, feathered friends.
May I rest in peace.
Kooter over and Kooter out.
- Great farewell review, Sandy.
One of your best. See you next week.
- Barb, please. You're my producer.
Stop catfishing me and fix this.
- Aw. Based on listener data, lot of our audience
listens to the show in the car.
- So what?
- Well, I was just thinking.
When I was a girl, I needed to sit in the front seat
so I could see the road and not get carsick.
So maybe some people just need to see you while you're--
- Wait, wait, wait. Shut up.
I was just thinking.
When I was a girl, I needed to sit in the front seat
so I could see the road and not get carsick.
So maybe some people just need to see me while I'm speaking.
- That's a great idea, Lauren.
- [muttering] My fucking God, my fucking God...
- So we'll be able to see real-time comments
using this application?
- Application? Yes, Boomer.
- Oh, he looks so handsome.
- Handsome like a chode.
[upbeat jazz music]
* *
- Welcome, listeners and viewers,
to a special live stream with comedy queen, Nicole Byer.
- Hi. - Welcome to "In The Know."
- [chuckles] How are you?
- [laughing] Oh, it's already so fun!
[Nicole laughs]
Now, Nicole, can you please explain
to me how a joke works?
- Sure.
So you have a setup, which is what the joke is about.
- You lure them into your trap? - [chuckles] Yep.
And then you give them a punch, which is the funny part.
- Mm.
- That's when like a bear trap captures the bear leg.
And then a twist is something unexpected.
And a button would be like the end of it.
- I never realized how much
the language of violence pervades comedy.
First, you set them up, then you punch them,
then you twist them and then you button up
the body bag over their mangled corpse.
- Yeah. Or it's like one of them Bop It games.
- Yes, exactly, when there's those rodents that appear
and you bop them with the mallet.
Is that right? - [laughs]
No, I meant the toy, like bop it, twist it, pull it.
- Whac-a-mole.
- No, it's called Bop It. You know, it's like a game.
It's a black thing. It says "Bop It" in the middle.
And then-- - It's a Black thing.
That's why I don't understand. - [laughing]
- And I would never appropriate the culture.
Bop It. It's like hip-hop it and bop it.
And this is a Black thing.
and I would never deign to enter into
that cultural space unless invited.
Now, we're going to try something next
where I tell you a joke
and then you explain to me why it is funny.
Is that all right? - Okay, yes.
- Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?
- Why?
- It made him mean. Can you explain that joke?
- Um, I guess it's a joke because
Hitler was already very mean and he didn't need the tequila?
- I'm going to stop you right there, Nicole.
I think it's an understatement to describe Hitler as mean.
- [laughing] - Okay?
- Yes.
- And I have to-- and I love your work
and I admire you as a fan,
but I have to take issue with that.
- Okay.
- If you're going to describe Adolf Hitler...
- Uh-huh.
- Ethnic cleanser and executioner of the masses,
as simply mean... - Yeah.
- I have to ask you to use stronger language.
- Yeah. Rude, nasty...
- Nasty. - Vulgar.
- Good. Now we're getting somewhere.
He was a vulgar, nasty boy.
- Yeah, very nasty boy.
And I don't--I don't like him.
- What are people saying?
- Oh.
"This guy looks like the stork who brings miscarriages."
Wow, that is so mean.
- "Homeboy face uglier than the devil's doo-doo."
[laughs] - Yikes.
- "His face looks like the physical manifestation
of the word touché."
- Barb, I think it's pronounced tushy.
- "Someone put this tragic dildo back in the trash."
- Well, the good news is that
while viewers are brutally insulting Lauren's appearance,
no one seems to be throwing up.
- Nicole Byer, do you think my voice is disgusting?
- I do not think your voice is disgusting.
If anything, I think it's very soothing.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Because there's some trolls on the internet,
a very small number, but they've been quite emphatic
that my voice makes them want to spew.
- No.
[obnoxious voice] I mean, if you sounded like this,
then maybe I'd be upset about it.
[normally] But you don't sound like that.
- So if I sound sort of like a hillbilly Louis Armstrong,
then they would have a foot to stand on.
But as it currently stands, they have no foot to stand on.
- No feet. - Zero feet.
They've been befeeted.
- They've been befeeted, yes. - Mm.
You're wise, Ms. Byer.
And that is why I won't change my voice
or my body for anybody.
And in the words of Shakira Aguilera,
"Words can't bring me down."
- Did you say Shakira Aguilera? - That's correct.
- Okay.
- I'm Lauren Caspian with Nicole Byer,
and we are enough.
- And cut.
Great work, guys!
- Oh! What a rush.
I feel so empowered.
What were the comments like?
- The important thing is no one got sick.
- Holy shit!
Someone watching the live stream just died.
- What?
- And it's because of Lauren.
- How could you possibly know that?
- The guy commented, "Oh, God. What's happening to me?
"It's so hot in here. I'm going to die. I'm dying.
You did this."
- [gasps softly]
- "In the soil watered by your blood,
the tree of revolution will grow."
- Yes, the death of a listener is serious.
Please relay our apologies to our sponsors.
[phones ringing] LendingTree is pulling out too?
No, please tell them that we still
have plenty of living audience members
who need weird, little loans.
- Where's Lauren?
I'm planning his victim's funeral,
and I need his credit card number.
Hey, Chase, have you seen Lauren?
- Nah.
I haven't seen him in years.
- What?
- His laugh was like raindrops on a camping tent.
And his hog was awesome.
[elevator bell rings]
Whoa, what happened to you?
- Did you listen to yourself?
- I OD'd on throat comfort tea
and had to get my stomach pumped.
- And yet, your voice sounds the same.
- I'm only here to record a resignation video.
"Love Actually" style, no audio.
- Tragic times, dude.
But, Lauren, you can't go on looking like that.
Someone else might die.
- I'll get a tote bag to put over his head.
- Not necessary.
Chunks and I used to watch "Ambush Makeover" together.
He'd always comment on how
the foundation on their faces never matched their necks.
God, he was so smart.
Anyway, I'll glow you up, brah.
- Thank you, Chase.
I need to look my best so I can go out with dignity.
- Oh...
he looks like an undercover cop at an Avril Lavigne concert.
- But his face and neck, same color.
- We're going out together, old friend.
Me with the death of my body.
You with the death of your career.
[Beethoven's "Sonata #14"]
[solemn classical piano music]
* *
[electric guitar joins]
* *
- Stop the tape!
Nobody murdered anyone!
I just got off the phone with the coroner,
and he told me the cause of death wasn't Lauren.
- Wait, you talked to the coroner?
- He's on my husband's case.
- Oh, I know that coroner. Guy's a prick.
Won't even let you touch the bodies.
- Wait, but if it wasn't my voice, then what was it?
- Apparently, he died of something called
Anders Schmidt Vulvitis.
- Oh, no. - Isn't that what Sandy has?
- [sighs]
- I should have believed you.
- And poor, sweet Sandy's numbered days
grow fewer still.
- And that's very sad.
But the important thing is my voice didn't kill anyone.
I'm not a murderer!
- Not so fast.
He may not be a murderer,
but his voice still makes people sick.
Remember what happened to Tegan?
- Nope.
Their manager emailed me that Tegan faked being sick
because Lauren's questions were making them uncomfortable.
- She wasn't really sick!
She was uncomfortable because she felt so seen!
- Right.
- You're going to believe some government coroner
over the lived experience of a dying man?
[scoffs]
#BelieveDyingMen.
- Crank me up, Carl!
The bitch is back!
[heart monitor beeps]
- Sandy Kooter, Dr. Bronner will heal you now.
[door opens]
[dreamy ethereal music]
- It's you.
Oh, yeah!
Spaceship Earth, baby!
[Mort Garson's "Plantasia"]
[dreamy synthesizer music]
* *