- Mm.
Mm.
[smacks lips] Oh.
[moans]
Oh, that's interesting.
Tell me more.
I guess what I'm wondering is--
[moans]
I'm Lauren Caspian, and this is "In the Know."
Mm.
I'm Lauren Caspian, and this is "In the Know."
You're a fucking god.
[upbeat music]
* *
The unhoused man looked at me.
He looked me dead in the eyes, and he said, thank you.
Thank you for recognizing my humanity
when the rest of the world refused.
- The homeless guy said that? - Mm, with his eyes, yes.
- And he's in the studio bathroom right now?
- It was the least I could do.
- Okay. Well, have a good show.
- [laughs] Oh, Carl, I'm no hero.
- What?
- Oh, Carl, I wish I could see myself the way you see me.
Oh, Carl, Saturday, Lin-Manuel Miranda's
interviewing himself at The New Yorker Festival.
Want to be my plus-one?
- Uh, I have friends in town Saturday.
- Ah.
Well, let's hang out next weekend. then?
- They're here next weekend, too.
- Jeez Louise. They won't leave you alone.
- I think they're just lonely
and have a hard time picking up on social cues.
- I was homeless once. - [gasps]
- Yeah, s-summer of '66, I lived under a pier
in Venice Beach with Jim Morrison.
H-he used to beat the shit out of me.
- [shudders]
- [groans]
- Ah, Fabian, guten morgen.
- [sighs] Don't start with me today, Lauren.
I was just attacked on the subway.
- Good God. What happened?
- Some meathead's aftershave triggered one of my migraines.
The way this country treats the neuro-sensitive
makes me want to firebomb a Bath & Body Works.
- They're ready to go in five, Lauren.
- Um, do you have the research for the first guest?
This just says "straight white woman."
- Tells you everything you need to know.
[elevator bell dings]
- [chuckles] Chase, interns are supposed to get here by 9:00.
We've talked about this.
- Dude, it's crazy I even came in.
Last night this couple I was banging
accidentally locked me in their home sensory-deprivation tank,
and I was frickin' screaming all night.
- What, they didn't hear you?
- [sighs] They're both deaf-- techno accident.
But they still DJ, which is inspiring as fuck.
- Good morning, everyone. Ready to have a great show?
- Ugh, Barb, you know I can't have management
hovering over me before interviews.
The last thing I need is some corporate fat cat
purring "money, money, money" in my ear.
- You make twice my salary.
- It's not all about money, Barb.
- Okay, showtime.
- Scrooge McDuck.
- Boomer Witch.
[upbeat jazz music playing]
- [slurps] Mmm.
Hi, this is Lauren.
Today we'll be unpacking the idea of beauty.
Our first guest began modeling at just 13,
proving that in fashion,
child labor doesn't just happen on the manufacturing side.
An actress, fashion goddess, and fellow crazed book-slut,
Kaia Gerber, welcome to "In the Know."
- Wow, um, thank you. Thank you for having me.
- Let's talk about the impossible beauty standards
that models put forward. - Mm.
- I buy most of my clothes
from a company called Weak and Wiley,
which makes a sweater with a built-in lumbar support.
- Mm-hmm. - But I'm constantly turned off
by how unattainably beautiful
the male model is in their catalog.
- Do you feel misled? Is that-- is that what the issue is?
- Well, when I look at the catalog,
I think, ooh, if I get that fair isle
with the orthopedic Spanx,
I'm going to look like Vadim from the catalog.
- Mm-hmm. - But then I go
to the food co-op, and I see myself reflected
in their two-way mirror-- because there's been
a lot of shoplifting at the food co-op, to be honest--
I look nothing like Vadim.
- I do think it can be misleading.
I think sometimes I'll see a photo of myself,
and I don't even feel like it looks like me.
So imagine that. - Mm.
I like to treat my interviews like a trampoline
and boing from one subject to another.
- I'm ready. - Boing, boing.
When you used to bring books to read backstage
during fashion shows, people were surprised.
Now, why do you think that is?
- There's a very common misconception
about models that we're not intellectual.
- [gasps]
- So it doesn't take very much to impress people.
- I found the same shadow assumption with me,
which is they expect me to be intellectual,
but they don't expect me to be sensual.
- Mm. - And so they're surprised
when they come to my house and see my collection
of erotic didgeridoos. - [chuckles, stammers]
Why do you have didgeridoos?
- Because of how erotic they are.
- Right. - Boing.
I'm trying to look younger.
Do you eat breakfast? - [laughs]
- [groans]
- You know, spring semester I modeled
for this flip-flop company,
where I'd climb in the back of this guy's SUV,
and he'd photograph my feet in different kinds of sandals.
It's a really exclusive brand.
They don't have a physical store
or a catalog or a website-- just that Lincoln Navigator.
- [sniffing]
Do you want to see me have a full-blown seizure?
- What?
I'm on the 14-day egg diet.
This is how James Caan got in shape
for "Freebie and the Bean."
- Get rid of it.
- Mm. [smooches]
Wait for me.
- Wouldn't it be better if, instead of choosing models
using the current bizarre criteria,
which, frankly, means most of them look
like literal aliens from scary space,
we just chose people at random like jury duty.
- I agree. I do think that's worth exploring.
It would definitely make it interesting.
- [gasps] Imagine a hairy old man
in enormous Balenciaga shoes,
a female pipe fitter
who just had dental surgery smizing in the new Donna Karan.
Wouldn't that be refreshing? - Completely, yes.
- And because I feel like we're in a flow
where you're agreeing with me,
would you mind if I rant about the violence of the male gaze?
- Yeah, I would love to hear it.
- And feel free to periodically chime in
and say, amen, or, go off, queen,
whatever feels natural.
- Right, okay.
- Here I go.
Men don't want these plastic waifs.
We want a physically dominant version of ourselves.
We want a woman with a big woolly shoulder bag
and long COVID, who smells like hummus and coffee
and has earrings that are sexy little wind chimes.
- Mm. Amen.
- We are all fortunate to live in a time--
- What's that one about?
- Oh, a family of scientists are kidnapped by time pirates.
It's actually based on a real theory of special relativity.
- Ooh, that sounds interesting.
I'm reading another novel about the widows of Nova Scotia.
- Oh, uh...
Hey, has there been any progress
in your husband's murder case?
- Oh, I-I don't want to pester the police.
They're probably busy
prepping for the St. Patrick's Day Parade.
Dale loved parades.
- How did you learn to walk in heels?
- I actually took lessons, and that is a true story.
- Do you remember the key lesson?
- Yes. Don't sway your hips.
- That's impossible for me,
because I have a naturally sassy pelvis.
- So do I, and it proved to be an issue.
- Now, you've said you don't enjoy getting asked
basic questions like, "What are three items in your purse?"
So I'll ask, Kaia, what have you done that nobody knows
that you are most ashamed of?
And please be uncomfortably specific.
- Oh, my-- - This is a safe space.
- [inhales sharply]
- Safe space.
- Um, the three items in my purse, uh, are--
[laughs]
[glass squeaking]
- Didn't your daughter try to get an internship here?
- Yeah. She really loves journalism.
- And then this dude got it? - 14...
- Yeah, supposedly his parents made this big gift
to NPR after he was put on academic probation
at Florida State.
- That stinks. - Whoo!
- Oh, Beth understands. [sighs]
- What's your relationship to showers?
- I love crying in the shower.
When you don't know what's tears and what's water,
that's one of my favorite things.
- It's like peeing in the bath. You can't tell what's what.
- Okay. [laughs]
- You know, it's funny you brought up bathrooms.
I-I don't normally talk about my street activism,
but this morning I invited an unhoused man
to use our studio restroom.
- Great.
- Should I go off? - Yes, go off.
[chuckles] - Go off who?
- Go off, queen.
- Boing. Do you like funerals?
- Um...
no.
- Is there someone in our restroom right now?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, so what did everybody think?
- Amazing. - Mm, yeah.
- I'm a bit of a health freak myself.
Twice a week, I do water reiki down at the Y.
- Yeah. Workout classes slap.
- It's not a class.
It's just something I do to people in the pool.
- Huh.
- And what did you think of the interview, Miss Fabian?
- "A tone-deaf duet by two skeletal narcissists,
emphasis on the 'cis,' #CancelInTheKnow."
- Did you tweet that from the official show account?
- Yeah.
- Great interview, Lauren. - No, it's a team effort.
I'm merely the big daddy.
- Oh, I also wanted to let everyone know
that that homeless gentleman is still in the bathroom.
- Oh, Barb. - Huh?
- That is hate speech.
He is an unhoused person.
- Actually, the preferred term is
"person who is currently without housing."
- No, I don't think so.
Are you sure? - Yes.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm really very empathetic to the man's situation.
I volunteer at a homeless shelter--
- Ah, ah, no, you volunteer at an unhoused shelter.
- A shelter for persons currently without housing.
- Well, it just feels very clunky.
- Oh, I'm sorry, is it too inconvenient
to treat vulnerable populations with respect?
- How dare you?
I was using the term Inuit back in the '90s.
I've been spelling "womyn" with a Y
since before I could spell my name.
- Either way, until he leaves, everyone on the floor
will have to use the Starbucks down the street.
- And maybe that will teach us
about the lack of water closets in this country.
May I remind you all that this is public radio?
Let us urinate and do all other washroom "shamefuls"
in solidarity with our unhoused brothers and sisters.
- Brothers, sisters, and nonbinary siblings
currently without housing. - God damn it!
[distant siren wailing] - I'm proud of you all.
We aren't just holding our urine,
we're holding space for the forgotten
and supposedly hideous among us.
[elevator bell dings] - We're going to have to find
a new place to take a leak.
That Starbucks has bad vibes.
- What does that mean?
- [whispering] They accused Sandy of stealing an egg.
- Did you steal an egg?
Sandy?
- [normal voice] The manager said
no more public-radio people. - [sighs] Great.
- There's another Starbucks eight blocks further down.
Go for it. - No, you go.
I don't want you getting another men's UTI.
- Oh. Thanks, Barb.
I'll get the guy in the bathroom a sandwich.
- No, Carl, I-I know you're trying to do what's best,
but we can't presume to know what this man wants.
- I could ask him.
- Oh, so it's this man's responsibility
to teach us what persons currently without housing
like to eat?
[scoffs] Do the work, Barb.
- I could give him money. - Jesus Chri--
I mean, Barb, what is this craven obsession with money?
- Wow.
- And you wonder why you're miserable.
- I'm pretty happy, all things considered.
- I'll be back in 15.
- Uh, Carl, I'm sorry, but we need to tape Sandy's segment
if we want to stay on schedule.
Can you stay? - Lauren.
- [groans] It's okay, Barb. I'll manage.
- And that, ladies and gentlemen,
is why Carl and I are best friends.
[whimsical music playing]
- Season's greetings, movie mavens.
It's time for another edition of "Candid Culture,"
with me, Sandy Cooter.
- [whispering] If you need to go, I can cover.
- I'm okay.
It helps if I focus on something else.
- Today I'll be sharing my views
on the Andrew Samberg romp, "Palm Springs."
- Didn't you tell him to review more recent movies?
- He says he likes to watch a film once with the sound off
and once with his eyes closed and then wait two years
for his ideas to "simmer like a creole gumbo."
- [groans]
- I-I'm afraid Mr. Samberg's talents
are better suited for skits such as "Dick in a Box,"
which I loved, than a major motion picture.
The mind spins to think what a talent like Dick Gregory
could have done with a role like this.
We miss you, Dick. We wish you weren't in a box.
[door opens, keys clacking]
[door closes]
[light jazz music playing]
- [humming along]
You can't have a serious conversation about beauty
without America's foremost expert.
One of the stars of "Queer Eye,"
they're a hair guru, a raconteur,
and self-described "Malcolm X of the gay community."
Jonathan Van Ness, welcome to "In the Know."
- Um, "self-described Malcolm X of the gay community"?
- That's what our researcher Fabian said.
Is that incorrect?
- I-I typically go for, like, a diva.
- Huh.
- Give me, like, a Whitney. Give me a Taylor.
Give me a Mariah. - Mm.
I've just never been described
of a Malcolm X of anything before, but I'm obsessed.
- Jonathan, what I love about your show "Queer Eye"
is that you're taking rightful revenge
against heterosexual society by erasing straight identities.
It's sort of a conversion camp in reverse,
a physically imposing five-person platoon
thunders into the hetero's home
and tells them to change everything about themselves,
or they'll never be loved, and I think it's just wonderful.
- Yeah, we actually edit out the boxing matches.
- Mm. - Like, we actually--we also--
No, we do that.
Like, if they don't conform fast enough,
like, we go off camera, and we just beat the shit out of them,
all five of us. - Mm.
Do you ever show up at one of these dirty "strogres'" homes,
and it's just some dopey pig with a Bowflex
and a deer head on the wall?
Do you ever think, well, I'm sorry, but he's beyond saving,
let's just leave this dopey pig in his filth?
- Um, we have never really had,
like, a "dopey"...
Like, no, like, all of them--
I think really everyone at their core
is, like, a sweet, good person.
- Mm. And what do you think about the word "strogre"?
Do you think it can catch on?
It's a slur I've been workshopping.
It's a combination of the word "straight" and "ogre."
- It's giving me, like,
something that you would tune a cello with.
- Mm. - It's not giving me a read.
It's giving me forced.
And you know JLo just said-- - Who's that?
- Jennifer Lopez, obviously.
- I'm not familiar. Is she a victim of wage theft?
- Oh, honey.
But she said her third best advice
that she got on this, like, "Vogue" thing I saw
was, like, don't force it.
And "strogre" feels forced.
- Mm. Thank you for your honest feedback.
It hurts like hell, but I'm going to bravely power on.
Jonathan, what is your position
on those Rastafarian hats
with the fake dreadlocks attached?
Is that a fashion do or a fashion don't?
- Uh...
- I tried to mix up my style a few years ago.
I wore a bolo tie to work.
I immediately regretted it, but I couldn't take it off
because people would notice I removed it.
[groans] It was a kind of hell.
- Oh, a woman my age shouldn't have to worry about style.
I always tell my hairdresser,
just try to make my head look invisible.
- I think you look great.
- Oh.
- Me too.
I'd totally smash-- for real, Barb.
- [stammering]
Thank--thank you.
- You too, Carl.
- Hey.
- I'm going to go check on the gentleman in the bathroom.
- Good idea.
- I'm technically dating a het cis woman also named Lauren,
but we don't have penetrative sex
because I do find it problematic.
But we do-- - That's called sideways.
- What's sideways?
- When you, like, don't want to do penetrative sex
in your booty holes or vaginas.
- Well, we do engage
in what I like to call "rough spooning."
And she outweighs me by about 50 pounds,
so we have a pretty complicated
sexual power dynamic.
She throws me around like a little bag of sand.
- I love that. It's hot.
- I like to think of myself as a sapiosexual.
I'm sexually attracted to ideas.
Do you think that that should be given
more space in the conversation,
specifically ours that we're having right now?
- Yeah, I think people absolutely--
I think that's absolutely a thing.
- I once got an erection from reading Plato's "The Cave."
- [scoffs] Do you have a therapist?
- Oh, shit, is that a skunk?
- You can't look at someone's pet cam
without the consent of the caregiver and the pet.
- [chuckles] That's your pet?
Awesome.
- Her name is Bertie.
I rescued her from the streets.
She was literally eating trash.
She's my chosen family.
- Does giving someone's life a makeover
sometimes work against the goal of self-acceptance.
How do you marry those two together?
- Yeah, I think-- That's a good question.
I don't think that those are, like, binary.
Um, I think that there's ways for us to, like, explore--
- Aah.
Have you lost your God-fearing Midwestern mind?
I am mid-interview.
- [whispering] I'm sorry, Lauren.
I'm just worried about our unhoused friend.
He's not responding when I knock.
He--he could be sick.
- And I suppose you get to decide who's sick,
Nurse Ratchet.
- Oh, Ken Kesey once showed me an early draft
of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,"
when it was still called
"Untitled Mental Hospital Comedy."
[keys jingling]
- My God.
You called in your goons. - That's Terry.
He's the maintenance supervisor.
He's got a bathroom key, and he knows CPR.
- [scoffs] What's next--the police?
You want to tear-gas this man? - Well, no, I--
- Why do the police need a tank, Barb?
Tell me. - I-I don't know.
- Answer her question, Barb. Why do the police need a tank?
- Answer my question, Barb. - I don't know.
- You want to tear-gas this man?
- Oh, no. No. - With a tank?
- You want a tank full of tear gas?
- No. - She's foaming at the mouth.
- Let me be absolutely clear.
No one will disturb that precious unhoused man.
And if they do, I will personally call them out
live on air in front of millions.
- We average 30,000 listeners.
- We're done here.
- Tell me what democracy looks like.
- This is what democracy looks like.
- ...be a matter of, like, not accepting yourself.
I think it's really more of a matter of, like, exploration
and finding what makes you feel the most embodied.
- Mm. I'm sorry. I missed most of that.
I was saving a man's life.
- Who--Just now?
- Yeah.
There's an unhoused man who is currently--
- A person who's experiencing homelessness?
- Fucking--I mean, that's the least of their--
[sighs, slurps] I have one final question.
- Okay.
- Is being a body-positivity icon--
is it a bit like being a climate-change denier,
in--in that you have to ignore your problem areas
much like America ignores ours?
- No, because I think that the idea of the problem area
is, like, a figment of our imagination.
Like, there is no such thing.
- What if you have hyperintense localized eczema
on your lower back?
- I get it, and you're still gorgeous and fuckable.
- Did you just say I was fuckable?
- Everyone is gorgeous and fuckable.
As long as you're, like, consenting adults, honey...
[snaps fingers] You're fuckable.
- And that, my dear friend,
is why you're the Malcolm X of the gay community.
- Thank you.
- And that is our show.
In conclusion, I'd like to take a moment of silence.
There are unhoused people
in bathrooms all over this country.
Let's take a pause to listen to them.
Not literal-- not literally, obviously.
They deserve privacy in the bathroom.
[laughing] And that, my dear friends,
is the ball game.
Chase, my kombucha, please.
- Oh, shit, pretty sure I gave the last one to Kevin.
- Who's Kevin? - Dude in the bathroom.
You want some of my power jerky, though?
It's a pork byproduct
dusted with a very gentle strain of cocaine.
- Chase, my post-show kombucha isn't just a treat.
It's a prescription-strength blend
of yeast and bacteria cultures.
- The only cultures you seem to respect.
- This is terrible.
- Are you okay, Lauren?
- My bowels are a delicately constructed Swiss clock,
and the smallest irregularity can trigger the end of time.
Everyone out of the way. I need to get to the bathroom.
- The bathroom's occupied, remember?
- Good God, the unhoused man.
- The person currently without--
- I don't have time!
[stomach gurgles] [gasps] Oh, no.
Oh. [groaning]
Chase, I'm panicking.
You're going to have to carry me to the Starbucks.
I-I can't walk and focus on not going to the restroom
in my pants at the same time.
- No way, my guy.
I'm not carrying you eight blocks
while you shit your pants.
- You want Terry to ask the homeless guy to leave?
- No, I'm fine.
It's as much his bathroom as it is mine.
[groans]
[grunts]
Could--could I have the studio, please?
- [gasps] - Gross.
- God damn it, that's my equipment closet.
I got to walk to the damn Starbucks.
- Knock, knock.
Lauren, it's Barb.
I brought you some essentials.
If you need anything else, I'll be--
- Get out of here! Get out of here!
Oh, good God!
- Room for one more? - [shouts] Barb!
[toothbrush scratching] - [spits]
- I'm reading this fascinating--
- Shut up!
[distant dog barking]
- Mm.
Ah. Ooh.
Yes, ouch.
Mm, interesting.
Mm, yes.
Lauren!
[upbeat music playing on headphones]
* *
I hate that guy.
[mop bucket scraping on floor]
[water splashing]
* *
[mop slaps floor, scraping]
* *
[mop bucket scraping on floor]
* *