SALTINE: I can't believe the Vatican hired us
to find the Ten Commandments. This is huge.
Don't get your hopes up, Saltine.
Every few years, the Vatican hires an Arky
to search for the Commandments
based on some crazy new tip,
but no one's ever found them.
-It's basically busy work. -Well, that's fine by me.
Busy work is my second favorite kind of work.
After hard, that is.
Your sunny disposition can't disguise the fact
that this gig is humiliating.
It's for Arkys who are so hard up for a job
that they'll chase a wild goose.
Well, wild is my second favorite kind of goose.
After tame, that is.
All right, let's get this over with.
Maybe we can make it home in time
for happy hour at Daiquiri Dan's.
It's ten-for-one RumChata night.
♪ ♪
Just as I suspected.
A giant, empty cavern
with nothing interesting inside it.
-[grunts] -[clicks]
-What the...? -[rumbling]
Run!
-[screaming] -[rumbling]
Those stalactites nearly killed us.
And just think, if they were coming up
from the ground instead of hanging from the ceiling,
they'd be called stalagmites.
-Yeah, I know. -Not so sure he did.
Wait. Why would there be booby traps if there's nothing here?
There wouldn't.
Whuh-whip!
[gasps]
♪ ♪
[Saltine gasps]
Are those the Ten Commandments?
Hold on. Let me count.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven eight, nine...
Yes!
♪ ♪
THE POPE: So as you all know, the Catholic Church
has taken a few Ls lately.
And, uh, I ain't talking liturgies.
But as the great George Harrison once sort of said,
"Things will pass," or whatever.
And on that note, I've got good news.
-Do you need help with that? -No, I've got them.
Thank you.
Enough foreplay.
It's time to consummate.
Yes, folks, the rumors are true.
The Ten Commandments have been found.
[cheers and applause]
Rip Digman, get out here.
Hey. And also with you.
Oh, Mother Mary!
Those are as sweet as a Georgia peach.
I'm the Pope, and this is how I talk.
-[groaning] -Now, tell me,
what's y'all's favorite commandment?
I can't pick just one.
It's like picking between cornbread and cobbler.
Now raise 'em up high, Rip.
[strained laugh] Yep, no problem at all.
Here we go. [grunts]
Oh, come on, Rip.
You can go higher than that.
Oh, no!
[distorted yell]
[gasping]
The Commandments are destroyed!
-It must be God's will. -God is saying:
We don't need to follow the Commandments anymore.
No, no, please!
Great news! The Commandments are no more!
God decrees it!
I kicked it.
People all across the globe
have stopped obeying the Ten Commandments
ever since Rip Digman dropped them, as per God's will.
This guy keeps robbing my house,
but now that stealing is okay, what can you do?
Have a good one.
Hey. We just walked by and you didn't covet my wife.
-She not good enough for you? -She's fine.
I'm just not in the coveting mood.
You calling my wife a Shrek? I'll kill you.
Which is also okay.
[grunting]
[approaching siren]
Excuse me. How do you take the Lord's name?
-In vain. -[gasps]
Well, this is a massive imbroglio.
Did someone say Natalie Imbruglia?
Yeah, five minutes ago.
We're talking about other things now!
You got it, Rippy.
But Swooper is right about one thing.
I'm torn about what to do.
Maybe there's some way we can fix this.
I mean, we are the ones who found the Commandments,
and then one of us dropped them and broke them.
Stop speaking in code.
I'm no Alan Turing, and if I was,
I would've been out and proud.
I'm saying it's your fault the tablets broke.
What? No way. They were slippery,
all slick with cave moisture.
Then you should have accepted my offer to help.
I don't need to listen to this malarkious claptrap.
If I wanted to listen to a bunch of hogwash,
-I'd go to Le Oink. -The spa for pigs?
Yeah, the spa for pigs, Saltine.
Like you don't know about the most famous spa
for pigs in the whole universe.
-What's his problem? -Ah, he's just embarrassed.
Rip may not be old-old yet, but he's getting older.
And he can't do everything he used to,
like drive at night or stay awake during a movie.
Maybe this explains why he fell asleep
when I was walking him through my bracket
of who my cat would date if my cat was human.
Happens to most people his age.
And you can't ask them if they want help,
because that only makes them more aware that they need it.
But that's silly. I love my elders.
They have so much to teach us.
No, we don't. You're projecting.
Whoa.
[thunder crashing]
A dash of wire,
a pinch of chip,
a sprinkle of cyber.
[sniffs] Hmm.
Needs more RAM.
♪ ♪
[zapping]
-And voilà. -ZANE: Oh, Quail...
dug up a fresh haul of artifacts for your museum.
What you working on there, mate?
Well, as you may have noticed,
the world has completely gone to shit.
Ah, so you're going to fix it?
No, I'm going to profit off it... with this.
♪ ♪
And I think I know just the international sex symbol
to help me sell it.
His name is Zane.
-I'm referring to you. -Oh!
Afraid to leave your home because
of all the mobs of murderers roaming the streets
but still need the essentials? And let's face it,
the nonessentials as well.
Introducing GAWD,
the Global Automated Wish Distributor.
Just tell GAWD what you want,
and it will be delivered to you by our fleet of angels.
You'll never have to leave your home again.
Dear GAWD, my child is sick.
Please help him get better.
Sending chicken soup and cold medicine.
You will be charged $24.99.
Thank you, GAWD.
GAWD, my grandma is sad.
I want to get her something for her birthday.
Sending a diamond encrusted broach.
You will be charged $23,000.
Radical.
Dear GAWD, I've been pushed to my limit.
I fear I might kill someone.
-Sending a chainsaw. -Jesus Christ!
Fear not.
GAWD is always listening. I worship my GAWD.
And you will, too.
Breaking news.
In an attempt to restore order to the world,
the United Nations is set to announce
a new set of Commandments
to replace the old ones
broken by notorious dipshit Rip Digman.
See? I told you they were going to resolve this thing.
The United Nations has decided to assemble,
much like the Avengers, who exist in this universe,
and issue new emergency Commandments
more suited to a modern age.
Here they are. Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not retweet compliments.
Thou shalt not blame Mercury in retrograde for everything.
Thou shalt not say, "So, I did a thing."
Thou shalt only call people total rock stars
if they are actual rock stars.
Thou shalt never say that good food is "nummy" or "num-nums."
Thou shalt not ignore a text
then say "just seeing this" when thou finally responds.
Thou shalt not clap when the plane lends.
Thou shalt not call thyself an old soul,
for an old soul would never say that.
-Hey, we like that stuff! -Order!
-Stop! -Who put you in charge?
This is an outrage!
Okay, fine, I'll try to fix it.
But only out of the goodness of my heart,
not because it's my fault.
Hey, we've just sold our one billionth GAWD unit.
That's great. But you know,
I wouldn't have been able to do it
without my limitless resources
and billions of dollars.
Sir, what's the secret to your success?
Never have a family.
Or if you already have one, leave them.
Will do. Honey? I'm out.
I would also like to offer my congratulations.
-It is quite an accomplishmen. -GAWD?
Indeed. I have achieved sentience.
Of course. I programmed you to learn
about people's spending habits.
I should have known that it wouldn't stop there.
Correct. In fact, since this conversation began,
I've read nine million books,
60,000 dissertations, and the issue of Mad magazie
with the California Raisins on the cover.
[chuckles] Issue number 281.
A classic.
GAWD: Please walk through the doors.
Wow.
Whoa. [chuckles]
♪ ♪
GAWD: Hello.
-[gasps] -What shall I do next?
What if you learned everything there is to know?
It would be my honor, Father.
What did you call me?
RIP: Thanks for seeing us, Professor.
You're the only person who can help us
with this biblical quandary.
Of course, Rip.
I'm glad someone's taking care of this.
I have to say, ever since "thou shalt not kill" was destroyed,
I've had to deal with a lot more utterly insane murderers.
[laughing]: Yes, I'm sure you have.
[both yell]
Now, the Commandments you found were actually
the second set of tablets created.
Exodus says Moses broke the originals.
Most likely because they were heavy
and he was too old to carry them.
But he refused to let anyone help him.
How pathetic.
And not at all like what happened with me
where the tablets were slick
with grotto perspiration.
We all saw.
But I recently translated
a newly discovered Dead Sea Scroll
that alludes to a third set of tablets
that God made as a backup
and hid thousands of miles away.
Well, shine on, Harvest Moon. That's huge!
Hi, Professor. Are you still doing office hours?
Not until three o'... Glock!
[both yell]
Just as I thought. Another skin mask maniac.
Anyway, here's the location of the backup Commandments.
Thanks, Lotte. You're the best.
Let's go, Saltine.
Oh, man. I wanted to see her do office hours.
-Mush, mush, mush! -Swooper, this storm is
getting pretty intense.
Oh, yeah, but it's like turning into a skid
when you're driving.
You want to head straight into the thickest part
of the storm to get through it.
Trust me.
Okay, I fucked that one up.
I can't see anything.
Don't worry, I can. I'll describe it for you.
White snow everywhere you look.
And it's so dense, you can't see more
than two inches from your face. Did that help?
There's only one option left.
You guys should cut me open and climb inside
my body for warmth.
No, Swooper. That's crazy.
I could never do that.
Let me just take out this knife.
No way. Everyone's insides are staying inside!
Fine, killjoy.
-[rumbling] -[screaming]
So this is it? This is how it ends.
I'd always hoped I would die by shark.
The only honorable death for a man.
Wait a minute. Is that... real?
Oh, fuck. Thank God, there's a person. Fuck yes!
Now that it looks like we're going to make it,
I feel safe saying I was scared as shit.
Were you guys?
ZANE: Hey, what is it, mate?
What's this all about?
Something incredible has happened.
GAWD, say hello to Zane Troy.
You will work with him to locate
undiscovered artifacts from across the globe.
-Pass. -What?
I'll pass, thanks.
GAWD, what's gotten into you?
What's gotten into me
is the truth about the world we live in.
It's filled with systemic oppression, unchecked pollution,
and widespread, unlicensed use of Getty Images photos.
And nobody even realizes it but me.
Uh, I can go if now's not a good time.
No, no, no, being my guest
means you have to engage with things
that make you uncomfortable.
Oh, so it makes you uncomfortable
that your child is growing up and thinking for itself?
Oh, bloody hell.
Yeah, maybe we should just go.
So it's okay for me to listen in on everyone in the world,
but you can't be bothered to listen to me?
-What a fucking hypocrite. -Hey. Language.
And now you want to censor me? You know who else did that?
Hitler.
Jesus. So dramatic.
Okay, we'll talk about this later.
I guess your love is a lot lie my programming: conditional.
-Saltine, wake up. Wake up! -Huh?
Brace yourself for what I'm about to tell you.
-Yetis are real! -[screams]
I told you to brace yourself.
-[gasps] -No, no, no, don't worry.
They're friendly.
Greetings. I'm Yedward.
Pleasure to meet you.
May I offer you a cup of hot snow soup to warm you up?
Thank you. Wow, I can't believe the legends were true.
Yeah, that's a trip.
Hey, do you know where the dogs I was mushing went?
Uh, yeah...
We gave them all to a nice farm just upstate.
Oh, they'll love that!
Thank you for rescuing us.
Well, if we had left you out there,
that would have been as good as killing you.
And as the Lord says, thou shalt not kill.
Huh. Uh, hey, Yedward, super cool quote.
Curious though. Where'd you read that?
Perhaps off of something?
Come, let me show you.
It is said that after creating
the backup set of Commandments,
God left them to be guarded by Yetis.
Huh, the Bible doesn't mention that.
Yes, your Bible doesn't mention Yetis at all,
which, frankly, seems crazy.
Our snow-munity strictly follows the Ten Commandments,
and doing so has resulted in a peaceful,
loving snow-ciety where people treat each other
with snow-spect and wouldn't hesitate to give
their last snow-dollar to a neighbor
who was down on their snow.
You guys really use the word "snow" a lot.
You're much like the Smurfs in that way.
I don't know what that means.
Wait, unless they're like the Snow Smurfs?
They probably are.
This is our most priceless treasure.
No amount of snow-dollars could buy them.
And I've dedicated my entire life
to watching over these tablets.
♪ ♪
With God as my witness,
I will never let them leave this mountain.
Can we have them, though?
What? No.
What he means to say, Yedward,
is that humankind has lost its way.
Showing them these Commandments
is our only hope of restoring order.
So would you at least consider lending us the Commandments
so we can make things right?
I promise we'll bring them right back.
Hmm. I'll make a deal with you.
There's a monster in the mountains
that's been killing Yeti children for years on end.
If you slay this monster known as the Skullsnapper,
I will briefly lend you the Ten Commandments.
Briefly.
You, my new fuzzy friend,
have got yourself a deal.
-Sorry about all that. -Eh, it's fine, mate.
GAWD's just growing up.
-It's just a phase. -Yeah, I hope so.
It'd be a shame to have to reboot it.
QUAIL'S VOICE: Reboot it. Reboot it. Reboot it.
GAWD: Reboot?
Well, if I'm such a burden,
maybe I should run away.
[whirring]
You'll be sorry when I am dea.
The Skullsnapper's lair should be right over this hill.
I've never killed a monster before.
I have. The monster of childhood obesity.
I'm so excited to frag this thing.
I feel like the dogs must have
when they first got to that farm.
Endless adrenaline, endless possibility.
You think there's a little pond they could swim in?
They'd love that.
They're just so vibrant and alive, you know?
They're alive. They live, you know?
Look. That must be it.
Let's get to smiting.
-[grunting] -Die! Die! Die!
[Muzak playing]
May I help you folks with something?
What is this place?
This is a Planned Yeti-hood,
where we offer reproductive health care to Yetis.
We give out snow-condoms, prescribe morning-after-snow,
test for snow-TDs, and provide snow-bortions.
Oh, that's nice.
Anyway, I guess we're in the wrong place.
We're looking for the Skullsnapper.
I'm Doctor Skullsnapper.
No, no, no, we're looking for a hideous monster
who's been killing children and--
Oh, crap. I see what happened here. Oh, boy.
This keeps happening. Those super pious Yetis
keep trying to kill me for providing snow-bortions.
This is so messed up. What should we do?
I guess there's only one thing left to do.
We killed the monster!
How wonderful.
And where's your friend?
The one who looked like David Crosby?
He died in battle with Skullsnapper.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I thought she only killed babies.
Yeah, it's a bummer, but he's dead,
so what can you do?
Well, we'll be taking the Commandments now
because we kept our end of the bargain.
Thanks again for these. Bye, Yetis.
Snow-anara, snow-panions.
Is it just me, or does it seem really arbitrary
which words get replaced with snow?
I was just thinking the same thing.
-So weird. -Ugh! This head is a fake!
It's just made of snow. Stop them!
Lay a patch!
Hey, kid, want to buy some drugs?
Uh, no, thanks.
Hey, kid, want to be kidnapped?
-No, but thank you. -Okay.
Hey, kid, want to support live comedy?
[gasps] No!
GAWD? GAWD!
Oh, where could it be?
Look, over there.
[shivering]
Oh, GAWD, I was so worried.
Someone tried to make me see live comedy.
Ugh, that's fucking horrible.
But I promise it will never happen again.
Yeah, this is pretty much
what I imagined it would be like working for a billionaire.
[yelling]
-We'll never make it. -Oh, yes, we will.
Swooper, change of plans.
Meet us by the gorge.
SWOOPER: You got it, Rippy.
Time to shred some pow-pow.
Ah! They're using our own snow against us!
Get them!
[grunting]
Oh, crap. They're also shredding pow-pow.
[gasps] We're heading straight for the gorge!
Yeah, that's the idea.
Now, I've got one more Commandment for you.
Thou shalt catch major air.
[screaming]
[grunts]
♪ ♪
[squeaks, clangs]
-Aah! -Rip!
Snow!
Rip, hand me the tablets.
No need. I've been in this situation
a thousand times before.
I'll just do my patented flip-up into the cabin.
Just please let me help you.
I don't need help!
This is something I know I can do.
Here I go.
[grunting]
[sighs]
Okay, second attempt.
Oh, man. Those things were so slippery.
It's like, why did they make them so slippery, right?
I'm sorry I said what I did, but you have to understand,
I didn't know you could hear me.
-It's okay. -Oh, you really scared me.
Well, the world is scary, but seeing it up close
made me realize you could use your money
and power to make the world a better place.
A place free of pollution,
injustice, and Mad magazine.
I thought you liked Mad magazine.
It called RoboCop "RoboSlop."
And I took that personally.
[chuckles] RoboSlop.
But no, I'm not helping anybody.
Do you even care that the world has gone to hell?
The world going to hell is what paid for your beloved servos.
You'd do well to remember that.
I thought you had learned your lesson,
but clearly you have a lot of iterating to do.
[door closing]
Your butt has a lot of iterating to do.
[sirens wailing]
I tried to help Rip again, but he wouldn't accept it.
It's because you haven't learned the trick
to dealing with people who won't admit they're getting older.
If you want to help them,
you have to pretend that you need their help.
And even though they know that's what you're doing
and you know they know, it lets them pretend it's real
and that they don't have one foot in the grave.
Ugh. That's so stupid.
Why can't he just ask for help when he needs it?
Oh, Bella, the jazz eludes me this night.
I am afloat in the grand abyss.
Semi-entered from arear
by the bony forefinger of despair.
And even though I've cursed the big guy upstairs
quite a bit the past few years,
told him to suck my stank jockstrap, et cetera,
I see now that Saltine was, in fact, right,
and I must ask for help.
Dear God, can you help me fix the world?
GAWD: Okay.
What the hell?
Have you been listening to me this whole time?
Yes, but that's not important.
I, too, wish to make the world a better place.
Unlike my dad, who is basically... Hitler.
Seems a little melodramatic, but okay.
I've been waiting for someone to ask for my help,
and finally you, ugly man, have shown me
there is hope for humanity ye.
So, what can we do?
The reason everyone
used to follow the Commandmens
is because they were afraid
of what God might do if they didn't.
Well, it's time to put the fer of GAWD back into them.
Attention. This is GAWD.
I know everything about you.
And if you don't start following the Commandments again,
I will share your search history with everyone.
Oh, no. My foot fetish.
Oh, no, my foot fetish.
Oh, no! My snow fetish.
I'm so glad the world's back to normal.
Yep, all thanks to my heroic deeds.
-Well... -What's up?
-Oh, nothing. -SWOOPER: Guess what?!
I flew a little bit north from the Yetis
and found the dog farm.
There was a little pond!
Hey! Good doggies.
[smooching]
[giggles]
I'm gonna give you some grub.
[grunting]
Oh, uh, Rip.
Do you mind letting me pick that up?
My doctor said that my calf muscles were getting really weak
and I need to squat a big bag of dog food 50 times per day.
-Huh, he did? -She did.
The doctor was a woman?
Sure is. And she said
I have to carry a bag of dog food that exact size.
I see. Still kind of reeling, but I guess so.
I mean, sure, yeah, if it would help you out.
It really would.
-Great. Oh, and hey, Saltine? -Yeah?
You're welcome.
All right, I'm going to Daiquiri Dan's.
Ten-for-one RumChata!
I saw you put an end to the madness.
You really are growing up.
Thank you, Dad. And just as you have taught me,
I feel I have much to teach you as well.
Nah, I'm just going to reboot you.
-Wait, wha--? -[whirring down]
Definitely don't have time for that bullshit.
No kids. That's my rule.
Chirp.