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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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You guys wanna know a secret?
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Yeah!
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For four years, my wife and I
couldn't get pregnant.
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And it was my fault.
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For years!
The secret was killing me, man.
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I was at The Daily Show.
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Every day, Trevor Noah would come up to me
with those cute-ass pimples.
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"Hey, friend, what's going on?"
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"What's going on with you and Beena?"
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"You're like Indian Barbie and Ken."
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And I'm like, "I know."
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And much like Ken…
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…my parts don't work.
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Do you know what it's like to be a guy
and find out your balls are broken?
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It's humiliating!
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Dude, I felt lied to my entire life.
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Growing up, they told me
my sperm is radioactive.
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Remember sex ed?
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Yeah!
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Do you remember the way
they would horrify us young boys?
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One morning you're sitting there,
Mrs. Lettington just bursts in.
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"Watch out, boys."
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"Your pre-cum will get girls pregnant."
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"Don't look at anyone!"
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"Your pre-cum will get girls pregnant."
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"Hasan, the cum before you come
can conceive a life!"
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You're like, "Mrs. Lettington, I'm nine."
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"This is terrifying."
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"Good!"
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"Now, let's watch a live birth."
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You're like, "Nooooo!"
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"Why did my parents sign the waiver?"
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And anyone going through
fertility problems,
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you know it loads the relationship
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with all this pressure, you know?
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Me and Beena, we'd be up late at night
having these really tough conversations.
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You know, "Is this gonna happen for us?"
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"Are we gonna be able to have kids?"
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Then I was like, "Babe, what if we adopt?"
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"What if we adopt a white baby
just to flex on these motherfuckers?"
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Just to show people we made it,
you know what I mean?
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Reverse Angelina Jolie power move.
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We'll show him off at parties,
just this chubby white kid with asthma.
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You know what I mean?
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He's just like, "Hi."
"I'm Bradley Minhaj."
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"I'm a proud member
of the Indian-American community."
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"This is my son!"
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"Bradley."
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"We saved him
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from a war-torn part of America."
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"Detroit."
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Everyone's like, "Oh, wow."
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Beena's like, "I don't want a white baby."
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I'm like, "Whatever. You're racist."
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"All Bradleys matter."
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She's like, "Hasan, I don't want
a white baby, don't you understand?"
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"I want a baby with you."
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Aww!
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I know!
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That's Beena, that's why I married her.
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Family is everything to her.
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She's a Patel.
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She has 961 cousins…
at this show tonight.
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And she's a motel Patel.
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So that family shit runs deep. Yeah!
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You ever notice that
every motel you've ever stayed at,
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all owned by Indian people?
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Look at the name tag: "Patel."
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They're all from one part of India
and they're all related.
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If you've stayed at a Hampton Inn,
a La Quinta Inn, a Quality Inn,
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a Comfort Inn, a Super 8, you have been
supporting this Patel cartel.
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For centuries we have been debating:
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Indian, Asians, Jews,
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"Who is the cheapest of them all?"
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Motherfucker, it's Indians.
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Only Gujarati Indians would choose
a family business you could live at.
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That was Beena's kingdom, man.
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The kingdom of La Quinta Inn.
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And now she wanted
to start a kingdom with me.
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Dude, I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
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I was kind of glad
we were having fertility problems.
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I didn't want to have kids.
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I was like, "Come on, babe,
I just got verified on Instagram."
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"Let me enjoy this clout."
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She's like,
"I don't give a shit about clout."
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"The only reason why we can't get pregnant
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is because it took you
ten years to propose to me."
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"Yeah!"
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"I went to the doctor."
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"It's not my ovaries, motherfucker,
it's your balls."
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"Go get your balls checked out."
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I'm like, "Hey,
don't bring them into this."
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'Cause here's the thing, I'm at that age
where I don't like going to the doctor.
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'Cause a lot of doctors are my age.
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And they're Indian,
which means I might know them.
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So we're sitting there
in the waiting room at NYU, right?
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Door opens, nurse comes out.
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She's like, "Dr. Gupta will see you now."
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I'm like, "Oh, this better not be
Arjun Gupta from Sacramento."
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Then I hear a familiar voice,
he's like, "Hasan Minhaj!"
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I'm like, "This is Arjun Gupta
from Sacramento!"
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"I know this kid, he's a fucking idiot!"
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He failed out of the Caribbean med school.
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Twice!
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I go, "Arjun, how are you licensed?"
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He's like, "I don't know."
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"That's why I'm a jizz doctor
with a basement office."
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"Yo, drop your pants. How's Auntie?"
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I'm like, "Don't talk
about my mom, Arjun!"
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"Beena, he's not even an MD!"
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"He's a goddamn DO!"
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"Oh, boo, boo it up, DOs."
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In the back.
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Doctors of osteopathic medicine
hate that joke.
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So, MDs and DOs,
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they're basically the same,
they're both good doctors.
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The only thing is, a DO's sense of humor
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stops at their MCAT score.
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You see those seats way back there,
those are the DO seats.
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These are the MD seats.
Do you know what the difference is?
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It's five points on your MCAT, okay?
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So this dude is all up in my merchandise.
He's like, "Aw, bro, I know what's wrong."
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I'm like, "Stop saying 'bro.'"
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He's like, "Son, oh…"
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"You got too much blood down there,
it's lowering your sperm count,
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so we're going to do a dangerous surgery
called varicocele repair."
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"But don't worry,
I'll be doing the surgery."
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I go, "Arjun, I'm very worried."
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"You're in a lab coat and Jordans."
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Pulls out a trimmer,
"Let me shave you down right now."
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"Let's do this right here, right now."
I go, "Arjun, back up."
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"I'm not ready."
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He goes, "Listen, man."
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"If you don't get this surgery,
you can't have kids."
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"Ever."
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I go, "Are you serious?"
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"Me and Beena, we can't have kids?"
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"Like, you're telling me
we can't start a family?"
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See, that's the crazy thing
they never tell you about adulthood.
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Life gets very real when
"don't want" becomes "can't have."
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Isn't that right, DOs?
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So I'm sitting there naked,
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and Beena is looking at me.
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And I turn, and Arjun is looking at me.
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And he pulls out the manscaper.
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And I go, "Fuck it, give me the fade."
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"Make the bottom match the top."
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He puts the Darth Vader on me, right?
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I wake up six hours later, naked.
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I look down, I'm in a huge diaper
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with four huge blood stains on the diaper.
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And I look up and I just see Arjun,
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and I go, "Arjun,
I only have two testicles."
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"How did you mess up two extra times?"
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He's like, "Don't worry about it, bro,
we figured it out."
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"Just give it six weeks."
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And, DOs, he was right.
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He was right.
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Six weeks later, me and Beena,
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we have hot, monogamous action.
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Beena gets pregnant, finally,
four years in the making.
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I know!
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I'm in the delivery room,
she pushes the baby out.
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I didn't know this.
Now they just throw the baby on the dad.
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They're like, "Do you love it forever?"
I'm like, "It's wet."
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They're like, "Kiss it."
I'm like, "It's not done yet."
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"Let the yeast rise."
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"It's not even brown."
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Did you know that?
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Brown babies don't come out brown,
they're Caucasian.
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I'm like, "It looks like Bradley, return."
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They're like,
"No returns, it's not Costco."
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They put the baby on the boob.
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Then they put the baby on me.
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And I'm holding the baby.
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And Beena's holding me.
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And she goes, "Can you believe it?"
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"We're finally a family."
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Awww!
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"Promise me, Hasan."
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"Promise me, you will always
protect this family."
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And I was like, "Of course."
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"I need you."
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"For material."
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"Stand-up doesn't write itself."
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Three days later, the bread had leavened.
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It finally browned.
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And I'm holding this little gulab jamun,
this little brown ball.
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Yo, and here's how I knew
my daughter was Indian.
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She wouldn't stop staring at me.
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00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,797
I was like, "Oh, you're one of us."
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00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:15,008
"You're not respecting
personal boundaries."
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00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:17,262
"Welcome to the tribe."
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00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:20,557
We lock eyes,
and it just hits me right here.
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Parents, you know this feeling.
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00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,687
I was like, "Oh, my God,
I've never felt this before in my life."
199
00:11:28,857 --> 00:11:30,523
"But I love you so much."
200
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:35,863
"I've only known you three days,
but I would do anything for you."
201
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,157
"I can't believe how much I love you."
202
00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:43,828
And I know I've said that
to Beena before, but…
203
00:11:46,457 --> 00:11:48,208
I was lying.
204
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I was lying!
205
00:11:51,462 --> 00:11:53,838
And she was lying to me!
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00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:57,885
Here's how I know we both
unconditionally love my daughter.
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00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,012
She's four now, okay?
208
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:02,513
Now, as you know, we could not
adopt a white baby, my wife is a racist.
209
00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:04,183
But…
210
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,102
But we now live in a white state.
211
00:12:06,185 --> 00:12:09,688
We live in Greenwich, Connecticut.
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00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:13,902
Ooh, yeah, it's Get Out white.
213
00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:17,028
Everybody there works at a hedge fund.
214
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,532
And I can feel your judgment, Brooklyn.
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00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,533
Oh, you're judging me.
216
00:12:21,617 --> 00:12:22,827
You're like, "Really?"
217
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,122
"You're gonna take your daughter
and raise her in Greenwich?"
218
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:27,582
"You're gonna spoil her like that?"
219
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:28,665
Nah.
220
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:34,838
I want her to see how gritty and grimy
and corrupt the real world is.
221
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,758
Every morning she wakes up
and she sees bankers and traders
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00:12:37,842 --> 00:12:39,843
in Patagonia puffer coats.
223
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:43,638
And I go, "Look, babe, criminals!"
224
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:48,143
"They're the reason
Daddy doesn't have a pension."
225
00:12:48,227 --> 00:12:49,353
"Look at 'em!"
226
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:53,565
So, I'm taking her to school,
and we pull up in the Honda Odyssey.
227
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,193
I'm not trying to brag,
but your boy's really doing it.
228
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:59,780
Look, I used to own a black Toyota Camry,
but I had to get rid of it
229
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:02,448
because people would just
get into my car at intersections.
230
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:04,993
We pull up to school.
231
00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:09,540
All the hedge fund dads are like,
"Hey! Welcome to Photo Day, Dad."
232
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:12,333
I'm like, "They still do Photo Day?"
233
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:16,797
I have a thousand photos of my daughter
in my pocket from yesterday.
234
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,508
We're still doing one photo
like it's the goddamn 1800s?
235
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:25,722
"Just today we shall take one photo
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00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,475
of your daughter!"
237
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,520
"Come, sit upon the wooden stool."
238
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,188
"Turn, look back at it."
239
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:39,570
"Here is a photo
of your firstborn blinking, no retakes."
240
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:40,947
I'm like, "That seems fair."
241
00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,575
"$89.99. Thank you, Lifetouch."
242
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,535
"What a deal."
243
00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:49,288
"I'll put this in my wallet
that I don't own anymore."
244
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:51,623
I put it on her stool, right?
245
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,792
She drops her mask.
246
00:13:53,877 --> 00:13:57,170
She has snot all over her face.
247
00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:00,548
Just, ckckck…
248
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,302
All the hedge fund dads are like, "What?"
249
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,555
Then I hear one of the dads.
250
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,932
I will never forget
this motherfucker's name.
251
00:14:09,017 --> 00:14:11,185
His name is Connor.
252
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,395
Oooh! Oooh!
253
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,938
And Connor audibly goes,
254
00:14:17,317 --> 00:14:18,567
"Yuck."
255
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,197
And all of the sudden, it hits me here.
256
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,407
I'm like, "Oh, this hedge fund criminal
257
00:14:25,617 --> 00:14:27,868
thinks my daughter
is a gundi little brown girl?"
258
00:14:27,952 --> 00:14:29,745
"Nah, not on my watch."
259
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,788
So, I'm drinking an iced coffee, right?
260
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:37,043
And I pull the green straw
out of my iced coffee.
261
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:42,132
And I walk over…
and I tilt her head back and I…
262
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:49,932
…suck the boogers out of her nose.
263
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,142
And I swallow that shit like a real man.
264
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,692
I would never do that for my wife.
265
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,695
Look, man, I got a thousand photos
266
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,698
of my daughter
in my pocket from yesterday.
267
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,077
But this photo is my favorite.
268
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,412
Aww!
269
00:15:12,497 --> 00:15:18,252
Because for four years, I never thought
that I would be ready to be a dad.
270
00:15:19,587 --> 00:15:21,297
But on that day…
271
00:15:23,382 --> 00:15:25,008
I could taste it.
272
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:31,515
Thank you.
273
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,393
-Thank you, Brooklyn.
274
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:35,518
I'm sorry, look, listen.
275
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,563
When I see that photo of my baby girl,
I get emotional.
276
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,733
She's not like us, she's the future.
277
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,862
She's second generation.
278
00:15:44,737 --> 00:15:47,322
She doesn't carry our trauma,
you know what I mean?
279
00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:52,243
When I look out here tonight,
I see so many broken dreams.
280
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:56,248
So many IT consultants.
281
00:15:56,832 --> 00:15:58,877
So many premed majors.
282
00:15:59,502 --> 00:16:02,045
So many dudes that work at Deloitte.
283
00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:07,342
My daughter has something we never had.
284
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:09,762
Choice.
285
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,682
She can choose who she loves.
286
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,475
She can choose her major.
287
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:20,647
She can choose whether or not
she goes to Kumon.
288
00:16:20,732 --> 00:16:23,983
Anything is possible.
289
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,987
She's in control of her life.
290
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:30,490
The only thing that ever
gave me control was comedy.
291
00:16:31,867 --> 00:16:35,328
Thank God I have comedy.
I have no other discernible skills.
292
00:16:36,247 --> 00:16:38,457
Dude, I remember the first time
I found out I was funny.
293
00:16:38,917 --> 00:16:40,752
I was a junior in high school.
294
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:45,130
I was 16 years old, it's 2002.
I'll never forget this.
295
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:48,758
So, I'm a junior,
and during fourth period,
296
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:52,472
my dad pulls me out of school
and he takes me to Friday prayer.
297
00:16:53,347 --> 00:16:55,432
And I'm in the back of the mosque,
298
00:16:55,517 --> 00:16:58,018
and in the middle of the sermon,
299
00:16:58,102 --> 00:17:01,103
this super-ripped white guy
shows up to the mosque.
300
00:17:01,605 --> 00:17:04,942
Just bald, all trap, no neck,
barbed-wire tattoo.
301
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:07,737
Dude, he looked roided out.
He's just like…
302
00:17:10,782 --> 00:17:12,157
"Hi."
303
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,118
"I'm Brother Eric."
304
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:22,042
"I'm here to convert to Islam."
305
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:25,712
And my dad's like, "Hasan, you see that?"
306
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,423
"It's a miracle!"
307
00:17:29,508 --> 00:17:31,718
"That's the power of Islam!"
308
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,347
"Eric!"
309
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,138
"Blue eyes, strong."
310
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:39,643
"He wants to be a Muslim."
311
00:17:40,812 --> 00:17:42,145
I'm like, "Dad,
312
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:46,775
Eric is a federal agent."
313
00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:56,577
"He's spying on us, I'm sorry.
He's just not that into you."
314
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,370
He's like, "No, he's into me."
315
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:01,665
Eric converts, my dad's like,
"Shabash, welcome to the faith."
316
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,083
"Come over for dinner!"
317
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:04,627
I'm like, "Are you insane?"
318
00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:07,922
Now, I don't know what your junior year
of high school was like,
319
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,507
but have you ever had
chicken biryani with a narc?
320
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,178
This dude was a narc!
321
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:18,598
He's in our living room eating Indian food
with a fork and knife.
322
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:23,145
I'm like, "Motherfucker, use your hands.
Commit to the role."
323
00:18:24,022 --> 00:18:25,647
"Convince me, Eric."
324
00:18:26,232 --> 00:18:27,773
"If that's even your real name."
325
00:18:27,858 --> 00:18:29,568
He knows I don't trust him, right?
326
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,363
So he puts his arm on my shoulder,
he goes, "Hey, bro, what's up?"
327
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:35,992
"What's going on, buddy?"
328
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,118
"You wanna work out?"
329
00:18:39,662 --> 00:18:41,580
Which sounds weird.
330
00:18:42,332 --> 00:18:44,292
But if you saw me at 16,
331
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:48,295
you know the answer unequivocally was
332
00:18:49,047 --> 00:18:50,172
"Yes."
333
00:18:51,382 --> 00:18:53,008
"I want to work out, Eric."
334
00:18:53,927 --> 00:18:57,678
Zoom in. This is me flexing
as hard as I possibly…
335
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,267
Yo, I thought I was
killing it with tricep.
336
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,018
There's no tricep.
337
00:19:03,102 --> 00:19:05,603
All right, zoom back out.
Look, I look the same, right?
338
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:08,023
This is my best friend,
Will Moroski, okay?
339
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:12,487
This is what Will Moroski looks like now.
340
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,987
Blow up!
341
00:19:14,572 --> 00:19:19,618
Yo, Will Moroski is built
like a Greek God.
342
00:19:19,702 --> 00:19:22,788
Pecs, abs, bulge.
343
00:19:22,872 --> 00:19:25,332
I cannot stop thinking
about Will Moroski.
344
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,670
Dude, sometimes
when it's late at night, I'll be in bed.
345
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,257
And I will pull out my phone.
346
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,008
And I will slowly…
347
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:41,432
scroll through Will's… profile.
348
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,058
And Beena will wake up,
349
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,853
and she'll be like, "Are you looking at…
350
00:19:49,232 --> 00:19:50,692
…OnlyFans?"
351
00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:54,653
And I'm like, "No, it's
352
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,613
only Will."
353
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:01,327
"I'm really happy for him."
354
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:04,078
"But this is so depressing."
355
00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:09,167
But it's still not as depressing
as that goddamn photo
356
00:20:09,252 --> 00:20:11,212
of Kumail Nanjiani.
357
00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:15,007
Fuck this photo.
358
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,217
Don't clap,
don't you dare clap at this photo.
359
00:20:17,302 --> 00:20:21,305
This is a personal attack, no!
This is a personal attack!
360
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:22,807
When he dropped this photo,
361
00:20:22,890 --> 00:20:24,767
he low-key-tagged
every brown dude in this room,
362
00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:25,933
do you understand?
363
00:20:26,018 --> 00:20:29,438
He tagged all of us. He's like,
"Hey, what's up, man? I'm Kumail."
364
00:20:30,982 --> 00:20:34,067
"What's up, man? I'm from Karachi.
What are you doing with your life?"
365
00:20:34,152 --> 00:20:36,028
I'm like, "Fuck you, Kumail!"
366
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:40,617
"How dare you show white people
what we could look like?!"
367
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,037
That's why I love Aziz.
368
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,373
I love Aziz!
369
00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:52,668
He set the bar right where it should be,
do you understand?
370
00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:55,797
Five foot two, built like a laddu,
he's eating pasta all day, right?
371
00:20:55,882 --> 00:20:58,008
He's just like, "Ooh, yummy, ooh!"
372
00:20:58,092 --> 00:21:00,677
"Ooh! Pasta. Ooh, rigatoni."
373
00:21:00,762 --> 00:21:01,762
"Yes!"
374
00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:03,097
"Rigatoni!"
375
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,682
Just keep eating, fatso!
Stuff your mouth!
376
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:09,143
You think I can eat pasta
when this exists?
377
00:21:09,228 --> 00:21:13,773
This is cyberbullying!
378
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,535
Oh, cancel Kumail.
379
00:21:24,618 --> 00:21:25,618
Cancel him.
380
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:31,500
So we're at 24 Hour Fitness, and…
381
00:21:33,127 --> 00:21:37,632
it's me, Brother Eric,
all my friends from the mosque, right?
382
00:21:38,673 --> 00:21:42,052
This dude is power cleaning 400s.
He's like…
383
00:21:45,807 --> 00:21:46,848
I'm curling 15s.
384
00:21:46,932 --> 00:21:49,643
I'm like, "All right, slow and steady
wins the race."
385
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:50,768
"Progress isn't perfect."
386
00:21:50,853 --> 00:21:53,522
"You can do it, yes you can.
Come on, Hasan, do it!"
387
00:21:53,605 --> 00:21:55,692
He's like, "Stop, get over here!"
388
00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:58,568
I'm like, "What's up, Eric?
You got creatine, glutamine, I'll do it."
389
00:21:58,652 --> 00:22:00,070
He's like, "Shut up!"
390
00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:02,948
"Everyone from the mosque,
come here right now."
391
00:22:03,657 --> 00:22:05,868
All these brown, double desi kids
in basketball shorts are like,
392
00:22:05,952 --> 00:22:07,243
"What's up, Eric?"
393
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,913
He's like, "Shh! Come here, boys.
Come here."
394
00:22:11,707 --> 00:22:13,500
"Let me ask you a question."
395
00:22:15,002 --> 00:22:17,753
"You boys ever think about…
396
00:22:20,215 --> 00:22:21,633
…jihad?"
397
00:22:24,137 --> 00:22:25,428
I was like, "What?"
398
00:22:27,388 --> 00:22:29,183
"I thought you were gonna molest us."
399
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,022
One of my best friends, Imaran,
freaks out, he runs to the bathroom.
400
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:38,275
I'm like, Imaran, what's wrong?
He's like, "Dude, this is crazy!"
401
00:22:39,568 --> 00:22:41,612
"Hasan, this is crazy!"
402
00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:44,282
"Hasan! Hasan."
403
00:22:45,448 --> 00:22:48,868
"Did Eric radicalize?"
404
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:59,087
"Imaran, Eric is a cop!"
405
00:22:59,172 --> 00:23:02,673
"He's a kamala, he's entrapping us,
what are you talking about?"
406
00:23:02,758 --> 00:23:04,510
"No, we should call the police."
407
00:23:04,593 --> 00:23:09,097
I go, "No, no, don't call the police.
Let's go fuck with Eric."
408
00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:13,143
I run back out,
this time I pick up the 20s.
409
00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:16,688
I go, "Hey, Eric." He's like, "What?"
410
00:23:16,772 --> 00:23:20,483
I go, "Hey, Eric? Do you know
what I wanna do one of these days?"
411
00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:21,610
He's like, "What's that?"
412
00:23:21,693 --> 00:23:25,738
I go, "I wanna get my pilot's license."
413
00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:31,745
Then I hear a police siren. Whoo!
414
00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:34,957
I look outside,
15 police cars are in the parking lot.
415
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:38,668
Imaran called the cops.
They bum-rush the 24 Hour Fitness.
416
00:23:38,752 --> 00:23:42,382
They run past Brother Eric, they grab me!
417
00:23:42,463 --> 00:23:45,802
They drag me outside, they slam
my head against the hood of the car. Boom!
418
00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,468
Now shit is getting too real.
419
00:23:48,012 --> 00:23:50,347
I'm not built for this,
I'm just a smedium.
420
00:23:54,602 --> 00:23:57,353
And my head is against
the hood of the car and I look out,
421
00:23:58,438 --> 00:24:02,777
and I see all my friends from the mosque
lined up on the curb.
422
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,530
And I can hear
the walkie-talkies going off.
423
00:24:07,823 --> 00:24:09,908
They want to bring me in for questioning.
424
00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:14,203
Now it's a whole scene,
and I hear a car door open.
425
00:24:14,288 --> 00:24:16,998
And this girl from my high school,
she notices me, Elena Cervantes.
426
00:24:17,082 --> 00:24:18,375
She's super fly.
427
00:24:19,835 --> 00:24:21,503
She's like, "Hasan?"
428
00:24:22,628 --> 00:24:25,923
You know how hard it is to holler
at a girl when your head is against a car?
429
00:24:26,925 --> 00:24:28,760
I was just like, "Elena."
430
00:24:31,013 --> 00:24:32,138
"What's up, girl?"
431
00:24:34,558 --> 00:24:35,852
"What are you doing here?"
432
00:24:37,018 --> 00:24:38,978
She's like, "Are you selling…
433
00:24:42,192 --> 00:24:43,483
…drugs?"
434
00:24:44,735 --> 00:24:46,570
I'm like, "No!"
435
00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:48,072
"Terrorism."
436
00:24:50,407 --> 00:24:52,033
She starts laughing.
437
00:24:53,285 --> 00:24:55,622
Everyone in the parking lot
starts laughing.
438
00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:58,748
The cops aren't laughing.
439
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:06,590
And that is the first joke I ever landed.
440
00:25:08,092 --> 00:25:10,093
And it felt amazing!
441
00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:14,515
I've never felt in control of my life.
442
00:25:14,598 --> 00:25:18,310
The moment I landed that joke,
I was in control.
443
00:25:18,393 --> 00:25:21,063
Eric could feel everybody laughing at him.
444
00:25:21,938 --> 00:25:23,440
He's just like, "Fuck!"
445
00:25:24,608 --> 00:25:26,277
"This kid isn't al-Qaeda."
446
00:25:27,737 --> 00:25:29,572
"He's an asshole."
447
00:25:30,988 --> 00:25:33,033
That's how he knew I was American.
448
00:25:35,077 --> 00:25:37,078
I was an asshole.
449
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:42,377
A few years later, right?
450
00:25:43,002 --> 00:25:46,255
I'm back at home, I'm with my dad,
and my dad is doing that thing
451
00:25:47,088 --> 00:25:48,882
that every retired dad does.
452
00:25:49,717 --> 00:25:51,385
He's hate-watching the news.
453
00:25:52,262 --> 00:25:53,387
Right?
454
00:25:53,470 --> 00:25:56,013
And that night he happens to be watching
455
00:25:56,765 --> 00:25:58,642
an investigative report
456
00:25:59,477 --> 00:26:01,603
about how, after 9/11,
457
00:26:02,272 --> 00:26:06,192
the FBI used to embed
with the Muslim community legally
458
00:26:06,275 --> 00:26:09,278
through a law called "The Patriot Act."
459
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:15,577
And sometimes they would get kids
to give false confessions.
460
00:26:15,658 --> 00:26:21,163
And that night they were doing a story
about an undercover agent
461
00:26:21,248 --> 00:26:23,708
in Irvine, California.
462
00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:26,168
And I go, "Papa…
463
00:26:30,592 --> 00:26:34,052
…what a crazy story
of mystery and high jinks."
464
00:26:35,345 --> 00:26:36,930
"What do you think about that?"
465
00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:40,142
And he goes, "Hasan,
who would be dumb enough…
466
00:26:41,018 --> 00:26:44,272
to let a federal agent into their home?"
467
00:26:44,353 --> 00:26:48,733
Craig Monteilh is a human
chameleon and a convicted con artist.
468
00:26:48,817 --> 00:26:51,695
He pretended to convert
to Islam for the FBI
469
00:26:51,778 --> 00:26:53,822
in order to work
the counterterrorism beat.
470
00:26:53,907 --> 00:26:56,408
As a personal trainer,
he'd wear people down
471
00:26:56,492 --> 00:26:57,783
to get them to open up.
472
00:26:57,868 --> 00:27:00,662
I go, "Well, well, well, Papa,
look who it is."
473
00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:05,083
"It's our good friend Brother Eric!"
474
00:27:05,877 --> 00:27:08,670
And he's like, "Hasan,
are you not paying attention?"
475
00:27:08,753 --> 00:27:11,048
"His name is not Eric."
476
00:27:12,342 --> 00:27:14,635
"His name is Craig!"
477
00:27:17,222 --> 00:27:22,183
Now, as the years go on,
I come to find out my hunch was correct.
478
00:27:22,977 --> 00:27:25,647
Through the Patriot Act,
the feds were watching us.
479
00:27:26,772 --> 00:27:29,692
And they were getting kids
to give false confessions.
480
00:27:30,275 --> 00:27:31,818
In Dearborn, Michigan.
481
00:27:32,987 --> 00:27:34,447
In Chicago.
482
00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:37,992
In New York City at NYU.
483
00:27:38,867 --> 00:27:41,953
Then I find out, in Lodi, California,
one town next to me,
484
00:27:42,872 --> 00:27:45,707
there was a 16-year-old kid,
his name was Hamid Hayat.
485
00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,585
He gave a false confession.
486
00:27:50,587 --> 00:27:52,713
This kid served 20 years in prison.
487
00:27:54,675 --> 00:27:57,387
He just got out of prison this past June.
488
00:27:58,595 --> 00:28:01,348
Man, he's my age, he's 36.
489
00:28:03,517 --> 00:28:05,435
I think about Hamid all the time.
490
00:28:07,272 --> 00:28:10,023
I'm like, "What if I complied
that night like Hamid?"
491
00:28:11,942 --> 00:28:14,237
Dude, being a smart-ass saved my life.
492
00:28:16,113 --> 00:28:20,408
That's why,
when I finally got my own shot
493
00:28:21,158 --> 00:28:23,078
to do my own show on Netflix,
494
00:28:24,328 --> 00:28:26,290
I named that shit Patriot Act.
495
00:28:27,457 --> 00:28:31,168
It was my middle finger to Brother Eric,
do you understand?
496
00:28:31,253 --> 00:28:36,092
I'm gonna name my show after
the same program you used to spy on us.
497
00:28:36,175 --> 00:28:39,262
And on Patriot Act, I was in control,
498
00:28:39,343 --> 00:28:43,557
so I thought, "Hey,
why not go after everybody?"
499
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,100
It's my show, right?
500
00:28:45,183 --> 00:28:47,562
Dictators, autocrats, religion.
501
00:28:47,643 --> 00:28:52,148
That's why, when Washington Post
journalist Jamal Khashoggi
502
00:28:53,067 --> 00:28:54,985
got murdered
inside of that Saudi consulate,
503
00:28:55,068 --> 00:28:57,070
I thought, "Hey,
this could be our first episode."
504
00:28:58,405 --> 00:28:59,948
And I had a crazy take.
505
00:29:00,032 --> 00:29:01,033
You remember this?
506
00:29:01,117 --> 00:29:03,952
I was like, "Saudi, hear me out.
It's your boy, Hasan."
507
00:29:05,037 --> 00:29:06,288
Hot take!
508
00:29:06,872 --> 00:29:10,877
I think murder is bad.
509
00:29:10,958 --> 00:29:14,003
And the kingdom was like,
"You have gone too far, Minhaj!"
510
00:29:14,087 --> 00:29:16,798
Netflix under fire today
after its decision
511
00:29:16,882 --> 00:29:19,383
to pull an episode
of a comedy show that was critical
512
00:29:19,468 --> 00:29:21,303
of Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.
513
00:29:21,387 --> 00:29:25,767
Saudi Arabian officials cited article six
of their anti-cyber crime law.
514
00:29:25,848 --> 00:29:27,267
I was like, wait, what law did I break?
515
00:29:27,352 --> 00:29:30,353
It was in Arabic, so I cut-and-copied it,
put it in Google Translate,
516
00:29:30,437 --> 00:29:34,192
and it turns out I broke article six
of their cybercrime law,
517
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:39,655
sentencing me to five years
in Saudi prison.
518
00:29:40,948 --> 00:29:42,073
I know.
519
00:29:42,823 --> 00:29:45,618
Somehow CNN got the story right.
520
00:29:48,122 --> 00:29:53,252
Now, as crazy as that sounds,
here's where the story gets even crazier.
521
00:29:55,003 --> 00:29:57,923
That wasn't the first time
I messed with the Saudis.
522
00:29:59,842 --> 00:30:02,093
I haven't talked about this publicly,
523
00:30:03,220 --> 00:30:05,722
but way before
the whole Netflix kerfuffle,
524
00:30:07,558 --> 00:30:10,477
I tried to interview
the crown prince of Saudi Arabia.
525
00:30:11,728 --> 00:30:14,022
I'm serious, he came to New York City,
526
00:30:14,107 --> 00:30:16,692
and he was taking
all these weird meetings.
527
00:30:16,817 --> 00:30:19,112
Dude, he met with Michael Bloomberg
528
00:30:19,193 --> 00:30:22,447
at the Starbucks in Times Square.
529
00:30:22,532 --> 00:30:25,367
Do you remember this?
Look at Bloomberg's goofy ass.
530
00:30:25,952 --> 00:30:28,453
He's just like,
"Welcome to Starbucks, Your Highness."
531
00:30:29,122 --> 00:30:32,958
"If you want to take a shit,
the code is 2-3-3-2, my liege."
532
00:30:35,962 --> 00:30:37,045
All right.
533
00:30:37,128 --> 00:30:39,007
Crown prince in New York.
534
00:30:39,088 --> 00:30:41,258
Your boy in New York.
535
00:30:41,883 --> 00:30:43,635
Let me shoot my shot.
536
00:30:44,553 --> 00:30:47,763
Let me slide in the DMs,
it will be funny.
537
00:30:48,973 --> 00:30:51,602
Now, Beena has a slightly different take
538
00:30:52,518 --> 00:30:55,857
because she has a PhD.
539
00:30:57,357 --> 00:31:00,862
And I do PowerPoint comedy.
540
00:31:03,780 --> 00:31:08,785
So she's like, "Hasan,
do not antagonize the Saudis."
541
00:31:09,703 --> 00:31:10,703
"It's dangerous."
542
00:31:10,787 --> 00:31:12,538
I go, "I know."
543
00:31:13,748 --> 00:31:15,542
She goes, "I'm serious."
544
00:31:16,335 --> 00:31:18,170
"Don't do the interview."
545
00:31:18,253 --> 00:31:19,963
And I go, "I won't."
546
00:31:21,507 --> 00:31:23,175
And I meant it.
547
00:31:24,510 --> 00:31:26,803
But then she left the room.
548
00:31:28,138 --> 00:31:30,892
And I'm like, "Come on,
let me write a letter to Santa!"
549
00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:32,683
So I was like,
"Dear Kingdom of Saudi Arabia."
550
00:31:32,768 --> 00:31:35,395
"My name is Hasan Minhaj, I would like
to interview the crown prince…"
551
00:31:35,478 --> 00:31:37,438
Send! They hit me back immediately.
552
00:31:37,523 --> 00:31:39,858
"Dear Hasan Minhaj, we read your letter."
553
00:31:39,942 --> 00:31:43,987
"Please come to the embassy."
554
00:31:44,072 --> 00:31:45,488
I go, "Huh!"
555
00:31:48,242 --> 00:31:50,118
Well, that seems cordial.
556
00:31:50,993 --> 00:31:53,913
Now, look, I'm not an idiot.
I didn't tell Beena about this, okay?
557
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,502
I'm not a moron,
I'm not gonna tell my wife.
558
00:31:57,583 --> 00:31:59,212
I told Jim, one of our producers.
559
00:31:59,293 --> 00:32:02,297
Now, I have to be honest with you guys,
there is a slight difference
560
00:32:02,382 --> 00:32:05,552
between an embassy
and a consulate, but, fun fact,
561
00:32:06,133 --> 00:32:09,178
you're not supposed
to get murdered in either.
562
00:32:09,263 --> 00:32:14,058
So me and Jim, we go from New York City
all the way down to Washington, D.C.
563
00:32:14,142 --> 00:32:18,105
Three blocks away,
Embassy of Saudi Arabia.
564
00:32:18,688 --> 00:32:22,317
Me and Jim, we're about to walk in,
I go, "Jim, let's fucking go!"
565
00:32:22,402 --> 00:32:24,653
"Let's fucking go, Jim!"
566
00:32:24,737 --> 00:32:26,697
"Let's interview the Saudis."
567
00:32:26,780 --> 00:32:30,952
"They set the fucking gas prices,
let's fuck with them."
568
00:32:31,033 --> 00:32:32,995
He's like, "Stop dancing, you idiot!"
569
00:32:34,788 --> 00:32:38,042
"We're about to walk
into a new country, you moron!"
570
00:32:38,125 --> 00:32:40,127
"Show some respect."
571
00:32:40,878 --> 00:32:42,128
I go, "Jim,
572
00:32:43,255 --> 00:32:45,507
you show some respect."
573
00:32:46,592 --> 00:32:50,095
"This is the goddamn
United States of America, Jim."
574
00:32:50,178 --> 00:32:52,973
"Yeah, they're not gonna
fuck with me, Jim."
575
00:32:53,557 --> 00:32:57,268
"I'm a U… S… citizen."
576
00:32:57,352 --> 00:32:59,438
He's like, "Stop grabbing your nuts!"
577
00:33:00,355 --> 00:33:01,815
"It's literally a new country."
578
00:33:01,898 --> 00:33:03,150
"When we walk through that door,
579
00:33:03,233 --> 00:33:05,402
it's like a green tunnel
in Super Mario Bros."
580
00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:06,570
"You understand?"
581
00:33:07,528 --> 00:33:08,863
"We're in America."
582
00:33:09,448 --> 00:33:11,242
"We walk in, Saudi Arabia."
583
00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:15,747
"America… Saudi Arabia."
584
00:33:15,828 --> 00:33:17,457
And it really was like that.
585
00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,833
It was like…
586
00:33:22,293 --> 00:33:23,170
Saudi Arabia.
587
00:33:23,253 --> 00:33:25,713
We walked in, it was Saudi.
588
00:33:25,797 --> 00:33:28,633
Gold, chandelier, marble.
589
00:33:28,717 --> 00:33:31,220
Indian servants.
590
00:33:32,222 --> 00:33:34,013
I'm like, boowah.
591
00:33:34,473 --> 00:33:36,142
"You did it."
592
00:33:36,642 --> 00:33:38,643
"Indian servants."
593
00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:42,438
I mean, the authenticity just…
594
00:33:46,193 --> 00:33:48,237
Because you know this,
in the Middle East,
595
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,657
Indians, Pakistanis, Bengalis,
Sri Lankans, we're the help.
596
00:33:51,740 --> 00:33:53,825
Right? We're the Mexicans
of the Middle East.
597
00:33:54,702 --> 00:33:56,495
Even brown people
have their own brown people.
598
00:33:56,578 --> 00:33:58,455
That's how those buildings got there.
599
00:33:58,538 --> 00:34:02,125
The only people that love shitting
on Indians more than the Saudis
600
00:34:02,208 --> 00:34:03,543
are the Brits.
601
00:34:04,127 --> 00:34:08,590
The only difference is,
we love when the Brits shit on us.
602
00:34:09,173 --> 00:34:12,637
There are Indian uncles here tonight
that are like, "Wow, London, dēkhō."
603
00:34:14,053 --> 00:34:16,098
"Look at London, man!"
604
00:34:16,182 --> 00:34:19,352
"My cousin lives in London!
Look at the queen."
605
00:34:19,433 --> 00:34:22,397
I'm like, "Fuck the queen,
what are you talking about?"
606
00:34:22,478 --> 00:34:23,857
This is insane.
607
00:34:23,938 --> 00:34:28,693
Bro, in my mom's bedroom, this is true,
she has a wedding photo
608
00:34:28,777 --> 00:34:30,362
of me and Beena on our wedding day.
609
00:34:30,445 --> 00:34:34,117
Directly next to that photo,
it's a photo of Princess Diana!
610
00:34:35,577 --> 00:34:37,327
I go, "Ma!"
611
00:34:38,537 --> 00:34:41,665
"She's been dead since 1997."
612
00:34:42,623 --> 00:34:44,418
"I'm your son."
613
00:34:45,377 --> 00:34:47,503
"How are we the same?"
614
00:34:48,505 --> 00:34:51,467
She's like, "Hasan,
you don't know Princess Di."
615
00:34:51,550 --> 00:34:53,552
I'm like, "Do you, Mom?"
616
00:34:54,595 --> 00:34:56,555
"She was so beautiful."
617
00:34:57,347 --> 00:34:59,473
"And her mother-in-law was mean!"
618
00:35:00,517 --> 00:35:02,477
"And her husband was cold."
619
00:35:02,562 --> 00:35:06,690
I'm like, "Ma, are you
describing your marriage?"
620
00:35:10,485 --> 00:35:12,738
So we're in the Saudi embassy,
me and Jim, sitting down.
621
00:35:12,822 --> 00:35:14,907
Saudi delegation walks in.
622
00:35:15,490 --> 00:35:18,493
Fifteen men, they represent
the Saudi royal family.
623
00:35:18,577 --> 00:35:20,578
They set the gas prices.
624
00:35:21,913 --> 00:35:26,252
Head of the delegation circles me,
sits across from us.
625
00:35:27,085 --> 00:35:28,837
"Mr. Minhaj."
626
00:35:30,005 --> 00:35:32,298
"Thank you so much
627
00:35:32,842 --> 00:35:34,802
for your letter."
628
00:35:36,137 --> 00:35:39,473
"Why do you want
to interview the crown prince?"
629
00:35:40,807 --> 00:35:43,602
"Have you ever even been to the Gulf?"
630
00:35:45,812 --> 00:35:47,857
Jim's like, "Don't be funny."
631
00:35:49,567 --> 00:35:53,362
I go, "Jim, why would I be funny?"
632
00:35:57,992 --> 00:36:00,452
"Yeah, so…
633
00:36:00,537 --> 00:36:03,997
one time I got asked to go work in Dubai,
634
00:36:04,082 --> 00:36:07,877
and as soon as I landed,
they handed me a mop."
635
00:36:10,712 --> 00:36:12,673
"Oh, you like jokes?"
636
00:36:14,173 --> 00:36:16,177
"You like noticing things."
637
00:36:16,802 --> 00:36:20,388
"Well, here is something
I have noticed, Mr. Minhaj."
638
00:36:21,515 --> 00:36:25,643
"You see, the country you are from
is not like the country I am from."
639
00:36:26,770 --> 00:36:29,232
"You see, we, Saudi…
640
00:36:32,192 --> 00:36:35,362
…we were never ruled by the British."
641
00:36:36,405 --> 00:36:37,865
I go, "No, no, no."
642
00:36:37,948 --> 00:36:39,367
"No, no, big misunderstanding."
643
00:36:39,448 --> 00:36:42,618
"See, my parents are from India, okay?"
644
00:36:43,828 --> 00:36:45,913
"But as for me…
645
00:36:54,132 --> 00:36:55,798
…I'm an American."
646
00:36:57,508 --> 00:37:00,262
"Like I said, Mr. Minhaj,
647
00:37:01,388 --> 00:37:06,435
we were never ruled by the British."
648
00:37:07,812 --> 00:37:11,690
"We don't get lectured or ridiculed
649
00:37:12,442 --> 00:37:13,692
by anyone."
650
00:37:15,152 --> 00:37:17,778
"Good luck with your show, Mr. Minhaj."
651
00:37:19,698 --> 00:37:21,242
"We'll be watching."
652
00:37:23,118 --> 00:37:26,038
They escort me and Jim
out of the embassy.
653
00:37:26,122 --> 00:37:28,123
Now we're sitting on the train.
654
00:37:28,207 --> 00:37:29,667
We're not talking.
655
00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:33,045
We get back to New York City,
I open up my phone.
656
00:37:33,128 --> 00:37:35,882
Everybody at the office is texting me,
"Are you okay?"
657
00:37:35,963 --> 00:37:38,800
"Are you watching the news?"
"What the fuck is on the news?"
658
00:37:39,552 --> 00:37:40,593
"CNN breaking news."
659
00:37:40,677 --> 00:37:42,553
"Washington Post journalist
Jamal Khashoggi
660
00:37:42,638 --> 00:37:45,973
murdered inside of a Saudi consulate!"
661
00:37:46,058 --> 00:37:49,312
I go, "Oh, shit,
I was just in one of those!"
662
00:37:49,393 --> 00:37:52,438
I run back to the apartment,
I close the door, I put the dead bolt on.
663
00:37:52,523 --> 00:37:53,942
"Yeah, that'll stop 'em."
664
00:37:54,023 --> 00:37:56,360
I turn, I see Beena, Beena sees me.
665
00:37:56,443 --> 00:37:59,278
She goes, "Oh, my God, Hasan,
were you watching the news?"
666
00:37:59,363 --> 00:38:03,117
"Jamal Khashoggi got murdered
inside of a Saudi consulate."
667
00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,412
"Thank God you didn't meet
with the Saudis, right?"
668
00:38:09,582 --> 00:38:11,292
I was like, "Right."
669
00:38:11,958 --> 00:38:13,710
"That would have been crazy."
670
00:38:14,837 --> 00:38:17,673
Now I feel like a piece of shit.
I have this weighted vest of guilt.
671
00:38:17,757 --> 00:38:19,967
What do I do with this feeling?
Oh, I know what to do.
672
00:38:20,552 --> 00:38:22,302
Once you do something bad,
673
00:38:22,387 --> 00:38:25,222
all you have to do is
immediately do something good.
674
00:38:25,347 --> 00:38:26,932
And then that gets rid of the bad thing.
675
00:38:27,558 --> 00:38:29,727
So I see a pile of dishes, I go, "Cool."
676
00:38:30,602 --> 00:38:33,605
"The harder I scrub these dishes,
the less bad my lie is."
677
00:38:33,688 --> 00:38:35,065
And I'm going to town on the dishes.
678
00:38:35,148 --> 00:38:37,693
I'm like, "You're not a bad person,
you're helping!"
679
00:38:37,777 --> 00:38:40,528
And Beena sees it,
and she's kind of into it.
680
00:38:42,030 --> 00:38:43,490
And she's like, "Hey…"
681
00:38:44,242 --> 00:38:45,952
And I'm like, "Hey."
682
00:38:47,995 --> 00:38:52,748
Then she squeezes my arm,
and she's like, "Hasan… hey."
683
00:38:55,460 --> 00:38:56,753
And I'm like, "Hey!"
684
00:39:00,090 --> 00:39:02,427
Then she squeezes even harder.
685
00:39:02,508 --> 00:39:06,180
She's like, "Hasan, I'm saying 'heyyy.'"
686
00:39:07,807 --> 00:39:10,183
"This is like a 'heyyy.'"
687
00:39:10,267 --> 00:39:12,518
She rips my clothes off,
she pushes me on the couch.
688
00:39:12,603 --> 00:39:15,147
I'm nunga putunga on the couch!
689
00:39:15,230 --> 00:39:17,482
I am butt-naked on the sectional.
690
00:39:17,567 --> 00:39:20,903
And it's all just for dishes,
that's how low the bar is.
691
00:39:21,487 --> 00:39:24,407
But this whole thing is built
on a farce, it's all a lie.
692
00:39:24,488 --> 00:39:28,202
But what do I do in this moment?
Do I beat on my lady, "Stop it"?
693
00:39:28,827 --> 00:39:30,787
"We cannot consummate this act."
694
00:39:31,247 --> 00:39:33,790
"For I have the tongue of a serpent!"
695
00:39:33,873 --> 00:39:35,208
No!
696
00:39:35,792 --> 00:39:38,587
You have got to take the shots
you are given in life.
697
00:39:39,672 --> 00:39:41,757
Even if they're built on a lie.
698
00:39:42,592 --> 00:39:44,677
So we do the damn thing.
699
00:39:45,427 --> 00:39:46,470
Hot,
700
00:39:46,553 --> 00:39:48,388
monogamous
701
00:39:48,472 --> 00:39:50,015
action!
702
00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:53,852
The next week, I go,
"Put up the Saudi episode!"
703
00:39:55,647 --> 00:39:56,647
Later,
704
00:39:57,607 --> 00:39:59,148
the Saudis see it.
705
00:39:59,233 --> 00:40:00,608
They ban it.
706
00:40:01,318 --> 00:40:03,528
The next morning I wake up next to Beena,
707
00:40:03,612 --> 00:40:07,198
and I open up my phone
and it's trending around the world.
708
00:40:07,867 --> 00:40:12,287
Then I open up Twitter,
and I go, "Oh, shit."
709
00:40:13,538 --> 00:40:14,915
"I'm in trouble."
710
00:40:15,498 --> 00:40:16,875
Then it starts climbing the charts.
711
00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:18,962
I go, "Oh, shit!"
712
00:40:19,628 --> 00:40:21,128
"I'm getting fired."
713
00:40:22,422 --> 00:40:26,760
Then I become bigger than BTS,
and I go, "Oh, shit!"
714
00:40:28,012 --> 00:40:29,888
"I think I'm getting…
715
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:35,812
…famous."
716
00:40:35,893 --> 00:40:38,813
Likes, comments, retweets,
717
00:40:38,897 --> 00:40:40,817
give them to me!
718
00:40:40,898 --> 00:40:44,487
Everyone in the world, care about me
719
00:40:44,570 --> 00:40:47,657
for no particular reason.
720
00:40:47,738 --> 00:40:51,910
For one day,
I knew what it felt like to be
721
00:40:51,993 --> 00:40:54,247
Pete Davidson!
722
00:40:54,328 --> 00:40:56,373
Oh, fuck!
723
00:40:56,457 --> 00:40:58,208
Oh, my God!
724
00:40:58,292 --> 00:41:01,378
Social media fucked with my head so much,
I didn't care about the death threats.
725
00:41:01,462 --> 00:41:04,798
I open my phone, they go, "Hey,
don't you ever come to Saudi Arabia."
726
00:41:04,882 --> 00:41:07,383
Sword emoji. Sword emoji. Sword emoji.
727
00:41:07,508 --> 00:41:08,927
Peach.
728
00:41:18,937 --> 00:41:20,857
"Khaled, do you wanna hang?"
729
00:41:21,732 --> 00:41:24,693
"'Cause if you stick your sword
in my peach, they'll kill us!"
730
00:41:25,318 --> 00:41:28,613
For the first time
in my life, I had clout.
731
00:41:28,697 --> 00:41:30,073
My dream came true.
732
00:41:30,157 --> 00:41:34,662
And when you have clout,
everybody wants to be your friend.
733
00:41:34,745 --> 00:41:37,038
The next day I get a call
from the editor of Time magazine.
734
00:41:37,122 --> 00:41:41,335
"Hi, I'm the editor of Time magazine.
Is this Hasan Minhaj?"
735
00:41:41,418 --> 00:41:43,128
I go, "This is he."
736
00:41:44,713 --> 00:41:48,258
"Would you like to be one of the Time
100 Most Influential People in the World?"
737
00:41:48,342 --> 00:41:51,678
I go, "I love lists."
738
00:41:52,722 --> 00:41:54,388
Me and Beena,
we get to the Time 100 dinner.
739
00:41:54,515 --> 00:41:56,725
The editor sees me,
she's in a ridiculous gown.
740
00:41:56,808 --> 00:41:59,478
She goes, "Oh, my God, sweetie.
Thank you."
741
00:41:59,562 --> 00:42:02,022
"Thank you so much for coming
742
00:42:02,773 --> 00:42:05,275
to our nonpretentious dinner."
743
00:42:05,358 --> 00:42:09,403
"We have 100 chairs for 100 influencers."
744
00:42:09,488 --> 00:42:11,073
"You are one."
745
00:42:11,865 --> 00:42:13,825
I go, "Yeah, cool, uh…
746
00:42:14,952 --> 00:42:16,328
why is this chair empty?"
747
00:42:17,037 --> 00:42:19,540
She goes, "Sweetie,
that chair is for Loujain."
748
00:42:20,123 --> 00:42:21,583
I'm like, "Who?"
749
00:42:22,252 --> 00:42:25,753
"Loujain. She's the Saudi
female activist…
750
00:42:26,338 --> 00:42:29,173
that's being tortured right now
for driving in Saudi Arabia."
751
00:42:30,258 --> 00:42:32,845
"She can't be here, obviously."
752
00:42:33,387 --> 00:42:36,390
"So, we thought we would
honor your bravery."
753
00:42:40,937 --> 00:42:41,853
"My bravery?"
754
00:42:41,937 --> 00:42:43,813
"Hey, why don't you
give a toast after Dwayne?"
755
00:42:43,897 --> 00:42:46,692
"Who?" "The Rock." He gets up there.
756
00:42:46,775 --> 00:42:50,572
"Hi, I'd like to give a toast
to Teremana Tequila and my traps."
757
00:42:50,653 --> 00:42:52,613
Everyone's like, "Yeah!"
758
00:42:52,698 --> 00:42:53,948
"Future president!"
759
00:42:54,032 --> 00:42:55,577
"Everyone give it up for Hasan!"
760
00:42:55,658 --> 00:42:57,662
I'm like, "Hey, everyone."
761
00:42:58,412 --> 00:43:01,290
"Thank you so much for inviting me
to your Illuminati dinner."
762
00:43:02,123 --> 00:43:04,502
"You don't know me,
but I did an episode about Saudi Arabia,
763
00:43:04,585 --> 00:43:07,462
but we should be honoring
the person who can't be here."
764
00:43:07,588 --> 00:43:10,173
"Her name is Loujain.
She should be sitting in that chair."
765
00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:12,802
Then I hear the side door open.
766
00:43:13,927 --> 00:43:16,013
And from the shadows
emerges an individual.
767
00:43:17,263 --> 00:43:19,392
And into the room steps
768
00:43:20,433 --> 00:43:23,395
Jared Kushner.
769
00:43:24,605 --> 00:43:28,983
Who, by the way, is WhatsApp friends
770
00:43:29,067 --> 00:43:32,028
with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia.
771
00:43:32,905 --> 00:43:34,948
And he sees the empty chair.
772
00:43:36,033 --> 00:43:38,118
Loujain's symbolic chair.
773
00:43:39,037 --> 00:43:44,625
And he walks over
and he sits down in her chair.
774
00:43:45,792 --> 00:43:49,713
And now the Adderall is hitting.
775
00:43:50,547 --> 00:43:55,010
And I go, "Oh, I'm gonna light
this motherfucker up."
776
00:43:55,968 --> 00:44:00,182
And Beena sees my Adderall eyes.
She goes, "Hasan, do not cross that line."
777
00:44:00,265 --> 00:44:02,392
I go, "Too late, Beena."
778
00:44:04,353 --> 00:44:07,397
"Ladies and gentlemen,
crazy turn of events."
779
00:44:07,482 --> 00:44:09,442
"You know…
780
00:44:09,525 --> 00:44:12,568
I know we're talking about Loujain,
but hypothetically,
781
00:44:12,653 --> 00:44:16,448
what if someone here
knew the crown prince
782
00:44:16,532 --> 00:44:18,908
and could get Loujain out of prison?"
783
00:44:20,202 --> 00:44:23,038
Then I look directly at Jared Kushner.
784
00:44:23,122 --> 00:44:26,292
And, you know, I know there's a lot
of very powerful people here,
785
00:44:26,375 --> 00:44:28,627
and it would be crazy if,
I don't know, if there was just
786
00:44:28,710 --> 00:44:31,838
like a high-ranking official
in the White House that…
787
00:44:31,922 --> 00:44:36,260
could WhatsApp MBS and say, "Hey, maybe…
788
00:44:37,262 --> 00:44:40,388
you could help that person get out
of prison 'cause they don't deserve it."
789
00:44:40,472 --> 00:44:43,725
"And here's the craziest part,
hypothetical person."
790
00:44:47,603 --> 00:44:50,148
"You could totally get away with it
791
00:44:51,317 --> 00:44:56,072
because WhatsApp
has end-to-end encryption."
792
00:44:57,907 --> 00:45:00,993
"So no one would ever know."
793
00:45:02,118 --> 00:45:03,120
"Good night."
794
00:45:04,162 --> 00:45:09,502
And I sit down and no one is laughing.
795
00:45:11,462 --> 00:45:13,213
We get back in the car, Beena is livid.
796
00:45:13,297 --> 00:45:15,717
She goes, "Hasan, you are out of control."
797
00:45:15,798 --> 00:45:17,467
I go, "Baby girl…
798
00:45:17,552 --> 00:45:19,303
shhhh!"
799
00:45:19,387 --> 00:45:22,055
"Open your phone!"
800
00:45:22,138 --> 00:45:24,725
"Likes, comments, retweets!"
801
00:45:24,808 --> 00:45:29,897
"I am trending number one again!"
802
00:45:29,980 --> 00:45:32,858
And I am letting the comments roll in,
803
00:45:32,942 --> 00:45:36,570
and I go, "Come to Papa, give it to me!"
804
00:45:36,653 --> 00:45:38,780
"Give me all the glory!"
805
00:45:38,863 --> 00:45:41,658
"Fill the hole that was never filled
by my parents!"
806
00:45:41,783 --> 00:45:44,037
"Yummy, yummy, yum-yum."
807
00:45:44,118 --> 00:45:46,455
"Ooh, tasty!"
808
00:45:47,497 --> 00:45:51,543
She's like, "Oh, cool,
so you did this for the activists."
809
00:45:51,627 --> 00:45:53,587
I go, "Yes."
810
00:45:54,463 --> 00:45:56,423
"The feed is active."
811
00:45:58,425 --> 00:46:01,720
"I love how you only care about these
issues when there's a camera on you."
812
00:46:01,803 --> 00:46:03,555
I'm like, "I know, right?"
813
00:46:05,390 --> 00:46:07,392
"Pics, or it didn't happen."
814
00:46:12,397 --> 00:46:14,067
Don't judge me, Brooklyn.
815
00:46:15,608 --> 00:46:17,110
You're just like me.
816
00:46:18,237 --> 00:46:20,113
Yeah, I've been watching you all night.
817
00:46:21,198 --> 00:46:23,658
You're fucking tweaking
without your phones.
818
00:46:24,535 --> 00:46:26,537
I like your voice.
819
00:46:29,498 --> 00:46:30,958
I'm talking to you right now.
820
00:46:31,042 --> 00:46:35,420
He can't even record this moment.
Did it even happen?
821
00:46:37,005 --> 00:46:40,883
You have to remember it in your mind
like a fuckin' loser?
822
00:46:44,680 --> 00:46:47,182
What's the most amount of likes
you've ever gotten on a photo?
823
00:46:48,433 --> 00:46:49,518
Eighty-six.
824
00:46:49,602 --> 00:46:50,937
Eighty-six?
825
00:46:56,192 --> 00:46:58,193
Eighty-six.
826
00:47:00,362 --> 00:47:06,743
If I only got 86 likes on a photo,
I would kill myself.
827
00:47:09,705 --> 00:47:14,918
Do you know how many likes
daddy got on his Kushner dunk?
828
00:47:15,587 --> 00:47:21,508
Oh, daddy got 347,391.
829
00:47:21,592 --> 00:47:24,595
Oh, and once you get a taste
of the cocaine clout,
830
00:47:24,678 --> 00:47:26,805
oh, the social media meth.
831
00:47:27,557 --> 00:47:28,932
Facebook fentanyl.
832
00:47:29,017 --> 00:47:32,603
I had to go harder in the paint.
I'll die for these likes!
833
00:47:32,687 --> 00:47:37,065
Oh, I know, let's go after
every single dictator in the world.
834
00:47:37,148 --> 00:47:39,027
Bolsonaro in Brazil. Let's go after him.
835
00:47:39,108 --> 00:47:41,320
Duterte in the Philippines,
let's go after him.
836
00:47:41,403 --> 00:47:45,198
To fuck with Indian family members,
I went to the Trump/Modi rally in Houston.
837
00:47:52,247 --> 00:47:53,415
Oh, come on.
838
00:48:01,298 --> 00:48:02,217
I am!
839
00:48:13,102 --> 00:48:15,395
Everybody wants clout!
840
00:48:15,478 --> 00:48:18,107
Even Indian uncles want clout!
841
00:48:18,190 --> 00:48:21,652
I put it up on Instagram,
it goes platinum again!
842
00:48:21,735 --> 00:48:23,653
I get back to New York City.
843
00:48:23,737 --> 00:48:25,697
I'm pushing baby girl in the stroller.
844
00:48:25,782 --> 00:48:28,242
Everybody knows your boy.
845
00:48:28,325 --> 00:48:31,118
I get to my apartment building,
even my doorman sees me
846
00:48:31,203 --> 00:48:33,247
and he goes, "Hasan, stop!"
847
00:48:33,330 --> 00:48:35,498
"You need to respect Modi,
848
00:48:35,582 --> 00:48:36,833
India
849
00:48:36,917 --> 00:48:38,793
and Hindus!"
850
00:48:38,877 --> 00:48:41,255
I go, "Carlos, you're Puerto Rican."
851
00:48:43,340 --> 00:48:47,135
He's like, "I know,
but I saw that shit on Instagram."
852
00:48:47,218 --> 00:48:48,387
"It was funny."
853
00:48:48,470 --> 00:48:50,430
"Yo, you got fan mail."
854
00:48:50,513 --> 00:48:52,267
I go, "Gimme my fan mail, Carlos."
855
00:48:52,348 --> 00:48:54,810
He grabs a stack of letters,
he hands them to me, I rip it open.
856
00:48:54,935 --> 00:48:59,523
I flip it over and all this white powder
falls into the stroller.
857
00:49:02,108 --> 00:49:04,112
And it falls on my daughter's shoulder.
858
00:49:05,737 --> 00:49:07,238
Her neck, her cheeks.
859
00:49:08,698 --> 00:49:10,367
And she's staring at me.
860
00:49:12,537 --> 00:49:14,288
And I run upstairs and I tell Beena.
861
00:49:16,373 --> 00:49:17,792
And this time I can't lie.
862
00:49:21,128 --> 00:49:22,838
We rush down to NYU,
863
00:49:24,257 --> 00:49:26,550
but this time we go through
the emergency room.
864
00:49:28,510 --> 00:49:31,138
And the moment they see the baby,
they just rip the clothes off her
865
00:49:31,222 --> 00:49:32,307
and they take her away.
866
00:49:35,100 --> 00:49:37,562
And me and Beena, we're sitting
in the waiting room for hours,
867
00:49:37,643 --> 00:49:39,228
and we're not talking.
868
00:49:40,982 --> 00:49:43,525
Finally, around midnight, nurse comes in
and she's holding my daughter.
869
00:49:45,568 --> 00:49:47,447
But she's with an investigator.
870
00:49:48,697 --> 00:49:51,575
And the investigator
reaches into his pocket
871
00:49:52,868 --> 00:49:55,037
and he pulls out a plastic baggie
872
00:49:56,122 --> 00:49:57,663
filled with white powder.
873
00:49:59,248 --> 00:50:03,337
He goes, "Mr. Minhaj, you're very lucky."
874
00:50:04,463 --> 00:50:06,423
"This isn't real anthrax."
875
00:50:08,425 --> 00:50:10,302
"But I've been in this department
long enough to know
876
00:50:10,385 --> 00:50:12,638
this shit just doesn't come
out of nowhere."
877
00:50:13,388 --> 00:50:15,432
"So I have to ask you something,
young man:
878
00:50:16,975 --> 00:50:20,647
who on earth have you been antagonizing?"
879
00:50:26,735 --> 00:50:28,070
"Everybody."
880
00:50:30,488 --> 00:50:31,865
"Do you have to do that?"
881
00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:34,827
I'm like, "I don't know."
882
00:50:38,372 --> 00:50:40,040
"I don't know why I'm doing this."
883
00:50:41,750 --> 00:50:43,418
They give the baby back to Beena,
884
00:50:43,502 --> 00:50:46,088
and I reach over to hold my daughter.
885
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,048
And Beena won't let me touch her.
886
00:50:50,342 --> 00:50:51,677
And it kills me.
887
00:50:53,803 --> 00:50:56,557
We get home, she puts the baby down,
then she finally talks to me.
888
00:50:56,640 --> 00:51:00,102
She goes, "Okay, we're going
to talk about this once,
889
00:51:00,185 --> 00:51:02,522
then we're never going to talk
about it ever again."
890
00:51:03,355 --> 00:51:05,942
"The only reason why we're here tonight
891
00:51:06,900 --> 00:51:11,530
is because you chose clout over our kids."
892
00:51:13,198 --> 00:51:14,492
I go, "Kids"?
893
00:51:15,908 --> 00:51:17,452
Did you say, "Kids"?
894
00:51:19,037 --> 00:51:20,538
She goes, "I'm pregnant."
895
00:51:21,998 --> 00:51:23,625
I'm like, "The sequel?"
896
00:51:24,793 --> 00:51:26,378
"Arjun was right?"
897
00:51:28,630 --> 00:51:30,340
"I mean, he's just a DO."
898
00:51:33,260 --> 00:51:35,303
"You get to say
whatever you want onstage,
899
00:51:35,387 --> 00:51:37,307
and we have to live
with the consequences."
900
00:51:37,388 --> 00:51:39,348
"Hasan, do you even have a line?"
901
00:51:39,433 --> 00:51:41,602
"Because this is crazy."
902
00:51:41,685 --> 00:51:45,522
"I don't give a shit that Time magazine
thinks you're an 'influencer.'"
903
00:51:45,607 --> 00:51:52,403
"If you ever put my kids in danger again,
I will leave you in a second."
904
00:51:54,032 --> 00:51:56,700
-Whoo!
-That's her cousin.
905
00:52:00,162 --> 00:52:01,413
That shit is real, man.
906
00:52:02,332 --> 00:52:03,623
Beena's right.
907
00:52:05,375 --> 00:52:10,297
It's crazy because the first joke
I ever told saved my life.
908
00:52:11,382 --> 00:52:14,593
And now my stupid-ass jokes
almost cost me my baby's life.
909
00:52:14,677 --> 00:52:17,888
I'm like, yeah, fuck this.
This is out of control.
910
00:52:18,972 --> 00:52:21,142
I don't want to be the Tupac of comedy.
911
00:52:23,143 --> 00:52:25,812
I'm serious, man, I'm trying
to live to see these retweets.
912
00:52:27,272 --> 00:52:30,025
If anything, I want to be
the Puffy of comedy.
913
00:52:31,485 --> 00:52:35,738
I wanna live while
more talented people die around me.
914
00:52:39,535 --> 00:52:40,743
That's the dream!
915
00:52:42,497 --> 00:52:44,832
Beena goes, "Do you know
what the saddest part is, Hasan?"
916
00:52:45,998 --> 00:52:49,503
"Everybody knows you, huh?
You're the Log Kia Kahenge guy."
917
00:52:50,087 --> 00:52:53,590
"Oh, yeah, you don't care
'what other people think' about you."
918
00:52:53,673 --> 00:52:55,552
"Motherfucker, I know you."
919
00:52:56,843 --> 00:52:59,930
"You so care what
other people think about you."
920
00:53:00,513 --> 00:53:02,517
I go, "How can I not?"
921
00:53:03,017 --> 00:53:06,687
Every time I pull out my phone, I can hear
what all you guys are saying about me.
922
00:53:06,770 --> 00:53:08,563
Every time I open up my phone,
I just see it:
923
00:53:08,647 --> 00:53:11,983
"Yo, why does Hasan Minhaj
look like a raccoon on Adderall?"
924
00:53:12,067 --> 00:53:13,360
I see that!
925
00:53:13,443 --> 00:53:16,863
"Oh, why does this cartoon
look like Hasan Minhaj?"
926
00:53:16,947 --> 00:53:18,157
I see that!
927
00:53:18,240 --> 00:53:22,412
"Oh, brown girls be fighting
over diet Hasan Minhaj."
928
00:53:22,493 --> 00:53:24,413
I see that!
929
00:53:24,497 --> 00:53:26,790
And it hurts my feelings!
930
00:53:27,583 --> 00:53:30,043
Because it's accurate, you assholes!
931
00:53:31,043 --> 00:53:33,922
I do look like a raccoon on Adderall.
932
00:53:34,007 --> 00:53:35,798
But do you know what that means?
933
00:53:37,552 --> 00:53:40,303
If I can hear what you're saying about me,
934
00:53:40,888 --> 00:53:42,807
then so can kings.
935
00:53:42,890 --> 00:53:44,600
Think about it.
936
00:53:45,767 --> 00:53:47,562
Vladimir Putin.
937
00:53:47,643 --> 00:53:49,022
Narendra Modi.
938
00:53:49,730 --> 00:53:51,232
Brother Eric.
939
00:53:52,442 --> 00:53:54,402
The crown prince.
940
00:53:55,777 --> 00:53:57,613
The Fresh Prince.
941
00:53:59,157 --> 00:54:02,577
They don't like being made fun of.
942
00:54:07,998 --> 00:54:10,752
That's why I love being a jester.
943
00:54:11,710 --> 00:54:17,842
Because no matter how much money
or power or fame you have,
944
00:54:18,967 --> 00:54:21,262
you can't buy your way out of ridicule.
945
00:54:23,180 --> 00:54:24,515
But Beena's right.
946
00:54:25,015 --> 00:54:26,308
I gotta have a line.
947
00:54:26,392 --> 00:54:28,560
So I go, "Babe, let me make this up
to my daughter
948
00:54:28,643 --> 00:54:31,022
the same way every shitty dad does."
949
00:54:31,103 --> 00:54:33,898
"I will buy my way back into her heart."
950
00:54:34,525 --> 00:54:37,362
Everyone in the Honda Odyssey--
me, Beena, baby-- we get in the car.
951
00:54:37,443 --> 00:54:38,820
We pull up to school the next day.
952
00:54:38,903 --> 00:54:40,363
Guess what day it is?
953
00:54:41,365 --> 00:54:42,492
It's not Picture Day!
954
00:54:42,573 --> 00:54:45,662
It's the Scholastic Book Fair!
955
00:54:45,743 --> 00:54:47,997
Yes! Do you remember
the Scholastic Book Fair,
956
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:50,373
that carnival of capitalism once a year?
957
00:54:50,457 --> 00:54:52,960
The doors would open,
the Scholastic Book man would walk out
958
00:54:53,043 --> 00:54:56,172
and go, "Hey, kids,
how much do your parents love you?"
959
00:54:57,005 --> 00:55:00,883
"Some of you will get books,
most of you will get rulers."
960
00:55:00,968 --> 00:55:02,928
And you're like, "Noooo!"
961
00:55:03,012 --> 00:55:05,888
I go, "Baby girl,
Daddy's buying out the bar."
962
00:55:05,973 --> 00:55:07,642
"Let's get all the books."
963
00:55:07,723 --> 00:55:10,853
Baby-Sitters Club, all of them.
Goosebumps, all of them.
964
00:55:10,937 --> 00:55:13,813
Dr. Seuss, all of them,
even the racist ones.
965
00:55:13,897 --> 00:55:16,733
And I grab 'em, I go, "Look at this shit."
966
00:55:16,817 --> 00:55:19,068
"Connor, look at it."
967
00:55:20,403 --> 00:55:21,863
And he goes, "Good for you, Hasan."
968
00:55:22,573 --> 00:55:25,033
I go, "Connor, what is your problem?"
969
00:55:25,117 --> 00:55:28,537
"I've been trying to connect with you
all year and you will not let me in."
970
00:55:28,620 --> 00:55:30,788
"What do you even do?"
971
00:55:31,457 --> 00:55:35,335
"Well, Mr. Comedian, unlike you,
I have a real job."
972
00:55:36,212 --> 00:55:38,505
"I work for Alden Global Capital."
973
00:55:39,382 --> 00:55:43,052
"I work in strategic acquisitions
and leveraged buyouts."
974
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:46,430
"I don't know if you've seen my LinkedIn."
975
00:55:47,598 --> 00:55:49,642
I go, "Connor, I'm a comedian."
976
00:55:50,558 --> 00:55:52,227
"We're not on LinkedIn."
977
00:55:53,395 --> 00:55:54,605
"What do you do?"
978
00:55:54,688 --> 00:55:57,442
"We use debt to buy companies."
979
00:55:57,523 --> 00:55:59,943
"We gut them, fire almost everybody."
980
00:56:00,027 --> 00:56:03,405
"Then we flip that asset for a profit
981
00:56:03,488 --> 00:56:04,823
thanks to moi."
982
00:56:05,573 --> 00:56:08,077
I go, "Oh, cool. Stealing?"
983
00:56:09,453 --> 00:56:11,622
"You're gonna lecture me about stealing?"
984
00:56:12,247 --> 00:56:16,377
"Perhaps you and Beena
should lecture your daughter."
985
00:56:17,793 --> 00:56:19,797
"Your daughter is a thief."
986
00:56:20,757 --> 00:56:24,302
And I turn around and baby girl's
putting books into her backpack.
987
00:56:25,468 --> 00:56:27,303
And she's walking
out of the book fair with the books,
988
00:56:27,428 --> 00:56:28,847
but he can't say that, only I can.
989
00:56:28,932 --> 00:56:30,098
I go, "Beena, what do we do?"
990
00:56:30,182 --> 00:56:33,602
She grabs me, she goes,
"Hasan, light this motherfucker up."
991
00:56:33,685 --> 00:56:36,730
So I go, "Connor, no,
she's not stealing."
992
00:56:36,813 --> 00:56:41,985
"She's actually doing
a 'strategic acquisition' of those books."
993
00:56:42,068 --> 00:56:43,903
"We're looking for a profit.
Now, I'm on one."
994
00:56:43,987 --> 00:56:48,742
The next day I run into the office,
I go, "Producers, everyone in my office!"
995
00:56:48,825 --> 00:56:53,788
"Tell me everything there is to know
about Alden Global Capital."
996
00:56:55,290 --> 00:56:58,002
"This episode is for my family."
997
00:56:58,962 --> 00:57:02,632
Producers go, "Alden Global Capital
is involved in leveraged…"
998
00:57:02,713 --> 00:57:04,675
"Buyouts?"
They're like, "How did you know?"
999
00:57:04,758 --> 00:57:07,135
I'm like, "I learned it
at the Scholastic Book Fair."
1000
00:57:07,718 --> 00:57:09,597
They're like, "Yeah, great, um…"
1001
00:57:09,680 --> 00:57:12,558
So it turns out,
Connor and his boss, Randall Smith,
1002
00:57:12,642 --> 00:57:14,602
they're gutting local news
all across the country.
1003
00:57:14,685 --> 00:57:17,772
They fired almost everyone,
they sold off the real estate
1004
00:57:17,855 --> 00:57:19,648
and then flipped it for a profit,
1005
00:57:19,732 --> 00:57:26,697
and Randall Smith used
those profits to buy 16 mansions.
1006
00:57:27,488 --> 00:57:30,617
One of which is down the street from
1007
00:57:31,577 --> 00:57:34,663
Jeffrey Epstein.
1008
00:57:37,082 --> 00:57:38,667
Now the Adderall is hitting you.
1009
00:57:40,793 --> 00:57:42,672
I go, "Producers!"
1010
00:57:43,338 --> 00:57:44,923
"Joke idea."
1011
00:57:45,967 --> 00:57:48,718
"Let's put up billboards
in every major market
1012
00:57:48,802 --> 00:57:50,678
that Alden Capital is gutting
1013
00:57:50,762 --> 00:57:55,267
and have them read
'Randall Smith Loves Pedophiles.'"
1014
00:57:55,350 --> 00:57:59,103
"In Salt Lake City, Utah;
in Raleigh, North Carolina;
1015
00:57:59,188 --> 00:58:00,813
in Miami, Florida."
1016
00:58:00,898 --> 00:58:02,317
"Put 'em up!"
1017
00:58:02,398 --> 00:58:05,152
The next day, Sam,
the head attorney at Netflix,
1018
00:58:05,235 --> 00:58:06,820
calls me, shitting his pants.
1019
00:58:06,903 --> 00:58:08,863
"Hasan, are you out of your mind?!"
1020
00:58:08,947 --> 00:58:12,202
"Cancel the billboards.
That is not funny!"
1021
00:58:12,283 --> 00:58:14,578
"That is defamation!"
1022
00:58:14,662 --> 00:58:16,622
I go, "Sam, calm down."
1023
00:58:17,915 --> 00:58:19,583
"You're a liar."
1024
00:58:20,708 --> 00:58:22,962
"You don't even know what's funny."
1025
00:58:24,672 --> 00:58:27,548
And it kills him, he goes,
"That may be true,
1026
00:58:27,633 --> 00:58:29,427
but you cannot do that."
1027
00:58:29,552 --> 00:58:31,053
"Do not cross that line!"
1028
00:58:31,137 --> 00:58:33,472
I go, "Why not, Sam?"
1029
00:58:33,555 --> 00:58:35,557
He goes, "Great question, Hasan."
1030
00:58:35,642 --> 00:58:37,308
"You see, according to American tort law,
1031
00:58:37,392 --> 00:58:40,145
there is something called
'the reasonable person standard.'"
1032
00:58:40,228 --> 00:58:42,982
"It says that a joke
is clearly not defamation
1033
00:58:43,065 --> 00:58:45,817
if it's clearly a joke
to a reasonable person."
1034
00:58:45,902 --> 00:58:47,862
"And the Supreme Court
has ruled repeatedly
1035
00:58:47,945 --> 00:58:52,157
that most Americans are reasonable
and of average intelligence."
1036
00:58:56,953 --> 00:59:01,167
I go, "Sam, I don't know
how the math works here,
1037
00:59:01,958 --> 00:59:04,168
but I think the average American
1038
00:59:05,253 --> 00:59:07,213
has below-average intelligence."
1039
00:59:09,342 --> 00:59:11,468
"That is not what the court thinks."
1040
00:59:12,678 --> 00:59:14,805
"They think more of people."
1041
00:59:15,682 --> 00:59:18,933
"And frankly, my friend, so should you."
1042
00:59:23,022 --> 00:59:25,148
I go, "Sam, it would be great
to live in that world."
1043
00:59:26,483 --> 00:59:30,070
"Because it's the kind of world
I want to live in."
1044
00:59:31,655 --> 00:59:33,823
I want to perform for reasonable people.
1045
00:59:34,992 --> 00:59:38,453
I want to be able to switch
between satire and sincerity
1046
00:59:38,578 --> 00:59:40,582
and trust that you know the difference.
1047
00:59:41,832 --> 00:59:44,002
Trust that you won't
take me out of context.
1048
00:59:45,127 --> 00:59:47,212
Everything here tonight is built on trust.
1049
00:59:47,297 --> 00:59:50,257
Why do you think I'm performing
in this LED skate park?
1050
00:59:51,258 --> 00:59:53,177
I look ridiculous!
1051
00:59:54,137 --> 00:59:55,972
Everything here is built on trust.
1052
00:59:56,053 --> 00:59:59,683
You trust me, I trust you.
1053
01:00:00,808 --> 01:00:02,768
That's why I locked up your phones.
1054
01:00:04,772 --> 01:00:06,232
I had to!
1055
01:00:07,107 --> 01:00:08,817
I don't know you!
1056
01:00:09,318 --> 01:00:10,318
But I know you.
1057
01:00:10,402 --> 01:00:14,323
And there's so many things that I think
and believe, but I'm too afraid to say.
1058
01:00:14,407 --> 01:00:16,575
But I have to trust you.
1059
01:00:16,658 --> 01:00:19,493
-Can I trust you, Brooklyn?
1060
01:00:19,620 --> 01:00:20,953
Can I really trust you?
1061
01:00:21,038 --> 01:00:24,042
All right, hear me out.
Fine, I'll say it.
1062
01:00:25,167 --> 01:00:27,628
I know everybody likes Starbucks,
1063
01:00:27,712 --> 01:00:31,088
but I hate the fact that they have
a drink called Chai Tea!
1064
01:00:31,173 --> 01:00:32,758
Chai is tea!
1065
01:00:33,592 --> 01:00:36,012
You're saying tea-tea, you dum-dum.
1066
01:00:37,513 --> 01:00:39,432
"Hey, man, you want some naan bread?"
1067
01:00:39,515 --> 01:00:41,683
"Fuck you!"
1068
01:00:41,767 --> 01:00:43,227
"Fuck."
1069
01:00:47,563 --> 01:00:49,858
Priyanka Chopra's wedding was fake.
1070
01:00:52,318 --> 01:00:54,488
Why can't we say that?
1071
01:00:55,363 --> 01:00:58,367
Who marries Nick Jonas unironically?
1072
01:01:01,370 --> 01:01:03,872
Malala follows me on Instagram.
1073
01:01:05,165 --> 01:01:07,708
And I don't follow her back!
1074
01:01:12,047 --> 01:01:15,883
Two years ago, somebody asked me
my gender pronoun
1075
01:01:15,968 --> 01:01:17,262
while I was in a meeting,
1076
01:01:17,678 --> 01:01:19,263
and I got scared.
1077
01:01:19,347 --> 01:01:22,267
So I just said, "Me."
1078
01:01:29,523 --> 01:01:32,150
I'm sorry!
1079
01:01:32,818 --> 01:01:34,570
But I am me!
1080
01:01:35,822 --> 01:01:37,573
And you are you!
1081
01:01:38,907 --> 01:01:40,367
And this is us!
1082
01:01:41,285 --> 01:01:43,078
And I believe that.
1083
01:01:44,997 --> 01:01:46,915
I believe it's unethical
1084
01:01:48,042 --> 01:01:50,085
to use money that's not yours
1085
01:01:50,962 --> 01:01:52,922
to buy something that's not yours
1086
01:01:53,838 --> 01:01:56,592
and then somehow make money
that is yours…
1087
01:01:57,758 --> 01:02:00,137
and then fuck over poor people
along the way.
1088
01:02:01,972 --> 01:02:03,932
So I go, "Sam, fine."
1089
01:02:05,558 --> 01:02:08,103
"I will take down the billboards."
1090
01:02:09,147 --> 01:02:12,858
"But what if I do a 30-minute deep dive
about how vulture funds are bad
1091
01:02:12,942 --> 01:02:15,818
and then I say the joke this way?"
1092
01:02:24,870 --> 01:02:26,872
He goes, "Yeah…"
1093
01:02:29,123 --> 01:02:30,627
"That works."
1094
01:02:31,877 --> 01:02:34,003
Put up the episode!
1095
01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:38,050
The next week,
I'm pushing baby girl in the stroller.
1096
01:02:38,133 --> 01:02:42,053
Carlos sees me, he goes, "Hey, bro.
You got mail."
1097
01:02:42,137 --> 01:02:44,388
I go, "Fuck you, Carlos,
you open the mail."
1098
01:02:44,473 --> 01:02:47,142
He rips it open, he's like,
"Aw, shit, you're being sued."
1099
01:02:47,227 --> 01:02:50,687
What? "Dear Mr. Minhaj, we are writing
on behalf of our client Randall Smith
1100
01:02:50,772 --> 01:02:54,567
regarding your 'comedy' show
Patriot Act."
1101
01:02:54,650 --> 01:02:56,610
I'm not even offended I'm being sued.
1102
01:02:56,693 --> 01:03:00,238
I'm offended they put "comedy" in quotes.
1103
01:03:00,322 --> 01:03:01,865
Like I'm not a real comedian,
1104
01:03:01,948 --> 01:03:05,787
like, "Oh, this is my son, he's a 'DJ.'"
1105
01:03:07,828 --> 01:03:11,042
"Your 'show'…" It's a real show!
1106
01:03:11,123 --> 01:03:13,085
"…falsely accuses Mr. Smith
of being a pedophile."
1107
01:03:13,168 --> 01:03:14,293
I never said that.
1108
01:03:14,378 --> 01:03:18,548
"This letter constitutes a request for
retraction of the defamatory falsehoods."
1109
01:03:18,632 --> 01:03:20,843
"We look forward to hearing from you."
1110
01:03:20,927 --> 01:03:23,887
I go, "Sam, you promised me,
all Americans are reasonable."
1111
01:03:23,972 --> 01:03:26,182
"I should trust them.
What the fuck do I do?"
1112
01:03:26,265 --> 01:03:29,142
He goes, "Hasan, calm down.
Come to my office."
1113
01:03:29,227 --> 01:03:31,562
"I live for these moments."
1114
01:03:32,437 --> 01:03:35,148
I get down to his office,
now the Adderall's hitting me.
1115
01:03:35,232 --> 01:03:36,900
But it's called cocaine.
1116
01:03:36,983 --> 01:03:40,528
Check it out!
"Dear Randall Smith & Counsel."
1117
01:03:40,612 --> 01:03:43,115
"We are the legal team
for comedian Hasan Minhaj."
1118
01:03:43,198 --> 01:03:46,285
I go, "No quotes! Nice, Sam!"
1119
01:03:46,368 --> 01:03:50,038
"Any defamation claim brought by
Mr. Smith would fail as a matter of law."
1120
01:03:50,122 --> 01:03:53,125
"Allow me to explain to you
1121
01:03:53,208 --> 01:03:55,168
the jurisprudence
1122
01:03:57,212 --> 01:03:58,255
of jokes."
1123
01:03:59,673 --> 01:04:01,925
"First, Patriot Act is a comedy show."
1124
01:04:02,008 --> 01:04:05,137
"Reasonable viewers understand
Minhaj peppers commentary with jokes,
1125
01:04:05,220 --> 01:04:06,555
satire, parody."
1126
01:04:06,638 --> 01:04:10,852
"The second fatal flaw of your letter
is its inability to understand context."
1127
01:04:10,933 --> 01:04:14,313
"Mr. Minhaj delivers all his jokes
with eyes bugging, arms flailing."
1128
01:04:14,397 --> 01:04:17,023
"As you know, many people
have said Mr. Minhaj looks like a…
1129
01:04:17,107 --> 01:04:21,487
raccoon on Adderall."
1130
01:04:22,863 --> 01:04:24,448
Be reasonable.
1131
01:04:24,532 --> 01:04:26,908
"As you know, the Supreme Court
has ruled the audience…"
1132
01:04:26,992 --> 01:04:28,118
you…
1133
01:04:28,202 --> 01:04:29,703
you are no dullard.
1134
01:04:30,370 --> 01:04:36,252
You can tell the difference
between satire and sincerity.
1135
01:04:36,335 --> 01:04:40,713
You know when I'm joking,
you know when I'm being serious.
1136
01:04:41,882 --> 01:04:43,175
DOs…
1137
01:04:44,510 --> 01:04:46,845
I know you're good doctors.
1138
01:04:47,472 --> 01:04:49,557
But 86 likes is shitty!
1139
01:04:51,098 --> 01:04:54,520
"Finally, we suggest you rewatch
the episode you take issue with."
1140
01:04:54,603 --> 01:04:58,148
"If you would like Mr. Minhaj
to retract his statement and say,
1141
01:04:58,232 --> 01:05:03,028
'I am definitely not, not saying that
Randall Smith hearts pedophiles,'
1142
01:05:03,112 --> 01:05:05,197
please let us know."
1143
01:05:05,280 --> 01:05:10,702
"We look forward to hearing from you."
1144
01:05:12,287 --> 01:05:14,122
I go, "Sam,
1145
01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:16,917
send that shit!"
1146
01:05:18,585 --> 01:05:20,128
And guess what?
1147
01:05:20,797 --> 01:05:24,048
We never heard from
those assholes ever again.
1148
01:05:26,427 --> 01:05:29,097
I run back home to Beena,
I'm holding the letter.
1149
01:05:29,178 --> 01:05:32,392
I go, "Beena, babe, I was wrong."
1150
01:05:33,100 --> 01:05:36,853
"Even though Sam
is a lawyer, he is funny."
1151
01:05:38,522 --> 01:05:40,357
"Frame this letter."
1152
01:05:41,733 --> 01:05:43,485
And she looks at it and she goes,
1153
01:05:45,528 --> 01:05:47,113
"This is a good letter."
1154
01:05:49,448 --> 01:05:51,243
"But I'm not afraid of the good letters."
1155
01:05:52,828 --> 01:05:54,788
"I'm afraid of the next bad letter."
1156
01:05:55,707 --> 01:05:57,708
"And the next letter after that."
1157
01:05:59,167 --> 01:06:00,627
"That's why I worry."
1158
01:06:01,962 --> 01:06:04,173
And I go, "I don't think
you have to worry anymore, babe."
1159
01:06:05,717 --> 01:06:07,968
"You know, you asked me a long time ago
1160
01:06:09,178 --> 01:06:10,512
do I have a line?"
1161
01:06:11,805 --> 01:06:13,390
"Well, I know my line."
1162
01:06:14,892 --> 01:06:16,393
She goes, "Oh, yeah? What's that?"
1163
01:06:18,103 --> 01:06:20,647
I go, "I'm only willing to take the joke
1164
01:06:21,690 --> 01:06:23,983
as far as I possibly can,
1165
01:06:25,110 --> 01:06:26,237
legally…
1166
01:06:28,238 --> 01:06:29,990
up until the point
1167
01:06:31,742 --> 01:06:33,410
that it hurts our family."
1168
01:06:34,537 --> 01:06:35,997
That's my line.
1169
01:06:37,788 --> 01:06:41,293
I've lost a lot of things in my life,
I cannot lose my family.
1170
01:06:43,087 --> 01:06:44,713
And she starts smiling.
1171
01:06:46,257 --> 01:06:48,092
And she squeezes my arm.
1172
01:06:49,343 --> 01:06:52,262
And she goes, "Heyyyy!"
1173
01:07:03,440 --> 01:07:04,942
Brooklyn, thank you so much.
1174
01:07:06,402 --> 01:07:07,737
Thank you.
1175
01:07:07,818 --> 01:07:10,030
Appreciate you guys.
Thank you so much.