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This programme contains
some strong language

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MUSIC: Water Music
by George Frideric Handel

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Stand up, please.

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Hello. Your Royal Highness.

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What a remarkable school
you have here,

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filled with absolutely wonderful
children.

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Thank you. These are some
of our best and brightest.

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And I hear you're celebrating
an anniversary.

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That's right. Clayton House
is celebrating our 75th year

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of teaching ambitious learners
and creating future leaders.

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Marvellous,
and how wonderful they all are.

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One of our pupils is a huge admirer
of Your Royal Highness and has made

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a special gift to commemorate
your visit.

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Hello there. What's your name?

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Molly Esmond.

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It's a pleasure to meet you,
Molly Esmond.

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I'm Princess Georgiana.

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What have you got there?

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Erm, it's the palace where you live.

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Aren't you a clever girl?

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Thank you.

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And you've even got some of
my favourite artwork in there.

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Yes. This is the portrait
of Agatha Bas by Rembrandt.

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And this one is by Rubens.

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And this one is by...

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VOMITS

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Oh, God.

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CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

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Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry.

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Oh, my goodness me.

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Oh, it's all right.

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I'm sure it'll be absolutely fine.

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Sorry.

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Oh, gosh. Well, there we go.

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Take a seat.

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Sorry, darling.

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Oh, sweetheart, are you all right?

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You smell like my grandad.

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Thank you.

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He's an alcoholic.

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Well, Princess Georgiana might have
had a bit of a late night,

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but she's all better now, so...

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So...

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And for being such a
brave young lady, Molly,

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I'm... I'm going to make it up
to you.

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VOMITS

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SHUTTERS CLICK

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Shall we get going?

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Well, another Georgie story
coming up.

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She is splattered, excuse the pun,

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across the headlines this morning.

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She just lurches from
one scandal to the next.

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Will this woman single-handedly
bring down the monarchy?

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I didn't think so, until she
sicked on a child.

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Can someone not just stop
this woman?

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I mean, what... What's happened?
Am I allowed to say that?

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Waste of space. Waste of time.

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Waste of money as well.

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Exactly.

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How can you be sick on somebody?

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She hasn't got the decorum
that the royals require.

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Can this woman ever put
a foot right?

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She is a total embarrassment.

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A disaster for this country.

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Can we please throw her out
to an island on her own

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and never have to talk
about her again?

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She's a bloody numpty, mate.

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I mean, it is beyond embarrassing
now, isn't it?

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I mean, the original party princess,

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but she has gone
beyond the pale now.

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What are they going to do with her?

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Your Royal Highness.

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So, the palace's private secretary
also moonlights as a baby-sitter.

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That's very kind of you, Michael.

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That you haven't been returned to
the palace

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in the back of a police car
is gratitude enough, ma'am.

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Come on, then.

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Give me my talking to.

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I will pretend to care,
you'll pretend to believe me

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and we can both be on our way.

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Are you aware Australia
has a new Prime Minister?

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Sure.

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Well, she is considering...

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She! OK!

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She is considering a referendum

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to have Australia leave the
Commonwealth.

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Who cares? It's Australia.

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Well, if Australia were to fall,
ma'am, it could start

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a domino effect, causing other
countries to leave one by one

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until none are left.

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Will there be a quiz on this later?

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Your parents believe that
a sovereign on Australian soil

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could turn back this rising tide
of republican discontent.

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Another royal visit? Already?

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Weren't they just there
like 12 years ago?

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They're not going to visit.

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You're going, for good.

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Would you mind repeating that?

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After much consideration,

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it's been decided that your mother,
the Queen, will abdicate her throne

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and that you will be installed
as their queen.

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What are you talking about?

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We think it best to put
a bit of distance

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between you and the palace.

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And by a bit of distance,
I mean 10,555 miles.

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There's also the chance, given real
responsibility,

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that you may grow up and
do your family proud for once.

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Plus Australia get their own
monarch,

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which should shut them up
for a while.

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It would create
a constitutional crisis!

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I'm not even the heir, Freddy is.

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All resolved and approved
by government. Very exciting.

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They wouldn't. They have.
They couldn't. They can.

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I want to speak to my parents.

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Sadly, they're unavailable.

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However, they did press upon me
to wish you a very bon voyage.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Prime Minister, there's a real sense
that Australians are resenting

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this idea of having a queen foisted
upon them.

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As a republican yourself,
how are you squaring it?

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I'm sure Queen Georgiana
will be an asset and I'm confident

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Australians will join me in
welcoming her to our great country.

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She's a pretty divisive figure.

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Isn't she just going to be
our problem now?

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I can assure you this is only
good news and I'm sure Her Majesty

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is very excited to be joining
us as our very own...

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Queen of fucking Australia.

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Unbelievable.
You vomit on one little girl.

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It's not like I killed her.

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Can you imagine where they'd be
sending us if you had?

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If I had what? If you had killed
that sweet little girl.

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Kentucky.

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Isn't there something
you should be doing, Anabel?

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I should probably floss my teeth.

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As my lady-in-waiting?

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Floss your teeth?

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Or I could sort out
your arrival outfit.

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That one. Good choice.

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I can floss your teeth later.

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This is your captain speaking.

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We will be arriving
in Sydney in 14 hours.

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I can hear you breathing, Matthew.
What do you want?

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Actually, it's... Yes?

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It's just that... Never mind.

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I have the menu
for the welcome reception.

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Read the mask.

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Right.

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You're very nervous.

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Sorry. It's my first day and...
It's irritating.

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Sorry, ma'am.

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Don't call me ma'am.

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I won't. How dare you!

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You just said not to...

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I didn't mean it. Or did I?

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I'm very difficult to read, Matthew.

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I'm an oxymoron.

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I despise pomp,
yet crave circumstance.

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Have fun with that.

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No, yes, yes, no,
not if it's Australian.

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Yes, no, not if I'm hung over,

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only if I'm hung over.

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God!

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These two are a joke.

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What could you possibly think
the panicky Aussie

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and my halfwit cousin
bring to the table?

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New queen, new start, new staff.

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I don't mind that they're new,
Bernard.

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I mind that they suck
a big dog's dick.

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Majesty, I beg you to please
curtail your language.

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At least try to keep in mind that
you are now the Queen of Australia.

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Well, there's lucky, because
in Australia that language

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is positively regal.

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If I were you, I wouldn't try to
mock the people I need to win over.

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If you were me, Bernard, this thong
would be awfully tight.

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I'm just saying it would be
a lot easier

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if I could have kept my old staff.

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Yes, but, sadly, it appears there's
no such thing as loyalty

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to the crown when you are
wearing it.

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Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

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"Yes, but, sadly, it appears there's
no such thing"

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"as loyalty to the
crown when you are wearing it."

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That's not even true.

183
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My staff were loyal, dutiful
and dedicated.

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"A spoiled, incompetent mess."

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"Lazy, belligerent,
with no sense of purpose."

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"An awful, awful, awful experience."

187
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"Actually, may I add another
awful to that?"

188
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Do you know where these are from?

189
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Reviews of the latest Avatar?

190
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Exit interviews of your loyal,
dutiful and dedicated staff.

191
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Are you sure?
Because I've seen the latest Avatar.

192
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Point being, no-one who has worked
for you could be dragged here.

193
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So why did you come?

194
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I work for your parents, not you.

195
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As a favour, they asked me to
come out of retirement

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and act as your private secretary,

197
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and out of devotion to them and the
crown, I complied with their wishes.

198
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Hm. What's the real reason?

199
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,199
Retirement told me many things.

200
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The most interesting
being, I loathe my wife.

201
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,960
Mm. Me too.

202
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:11,079
This is the outfit you planned
for my arrival in Australia?

203
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,359
A woollen suit?

204
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,159
Uh, a vintage Chanel woollen suit.

205
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,719
In 45-degree heat?

206
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,879
Erm, I don't think so.
We're in the middle of January.

207
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,999
We're also in the
Southern Hemisphere?

208
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,039
So the seasons are reversed?

209
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:26,639
So what month is this, then?

210
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,719
It's still January,
but it's their summer.

211
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,639
But it's still winter for us,
though.

212
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,680
Not if we're in Australia,
you vacant tart.

213
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,879
Right.

214
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,479
You still don't get it, do you?

215
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,680
Not yet.

216
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:59,519
Oh, now I get it.

217
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,559
That outfit is wholly inappropriate
for the season.

218
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,759
The sweat is already pouring
down my thighs.

219
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,079
That's the beauty of wool -
it'll absorb it in no time.

220
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,559
SHUTTERS CLICK

221
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:10,600
HUBBUB

222
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:20,439
Ma'am, this is Officer Marc Kemarre,
head of your new security detail.

223
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,959
Your Majesty. Officer Kemarre
is a highly decorated

224
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,999
tactical assault commando in the
Australian Special Forces.

225
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,959
He is also a Black Hawk helicopter
pilot who has served in...

226
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,679
Some war somewhere. Thank you.

227
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:33,239
Tell me, does this impressive
skill set include driving cars?

228
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,359
It does. Air-conditioned ones?
Yes.

229
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,799
Well, then, could you tell me
why I'm not in one right now

230
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,999
instead of standing out here
while my hair melts?

231
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,640
Right this way, ma'am.

232
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,320
PRESS CLAMOUR

233
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,280
Dear God. Get these tights off me.

234
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,280
Get these tights off me!

235
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,600
Get these tights off me now.

236
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,359
I'm assuming those were all official
palace photographers back there

237
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:15,279
so they won't put out
anything unflattering.

238
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,079
I'm not sure that's the case
in Australia.

239
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,679
They've released them?

240
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,719
Erm, no. Yes, they have.

241
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,039
How bad are they?

242
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,559
They're not bad at all.
Do I look sweaty? No.

243
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,199
Do I look fat? No!

244
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,919
Oh, God, do I look like my mother?
You looked great.

245
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,719
Liar! Show me.

246
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:32,799
I'd rather not.

247
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:36,800
Show me now or I will have those
tiny little girl hands cut off.

248
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,519
Oh, my God.

249
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,439
I look like I finished a marathon
and celebrated with a stroke.

250
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:46,119
I don't, I don't think you look...

251
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:47,559
Why would you show me those?

252
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:51,319
What? Why on God's green earth
would you show me these?

253
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,480
You told me to.
That is no excuse.

254
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,399
You said you'd cut off my hands.

255
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,920
That is still happening.

256
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,839
God save the Queen.

257
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:33,079
May I present the Australian
Prime Minister Rebecca Stewart?

258
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,279
Your Majesty, it's a pleasure
to welcome you to Australia.

259
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,359
Is it? I doubt that.

260
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:40,439
You've had the whole country
all to yourself

261
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,959
and now here we are having to go
sharesies. That's got to hurt.

262
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,199
Not at all.

263
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,519
It's a privilege to play a part
in this historic event.

264
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,519
It's an exciting time for Australia
and I'm here to be of service to you

265
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:52,719
in any way I can.

266
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:56,159
Well, you can start by telling me
what that monstrosity is.

267
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,719
This is a specially commissioned
piece of art to celebrate

268
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,119
the beginning of your reign.

269
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,519
It's made from hand-dried
native flowers collected from

270
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,200
national parks of every state
in Australia.

271
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,800
You look like a thinner version
of me. Was that deliberate?

272
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,159
Ma'am, may I introduce you to
Weiwei Weng?

273
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,279
Weiwei has been master of the
household for the last 16 years.

274
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:34,159
Your Majesty, may I introduce
you to Jack?

275
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,319
Jack has been...
I'm just going to stop you there.

276
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,839
If you intend on doing that to
every person lined up here,

277
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:41,479
that's a hard pass from me.

278
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,999
Don't get me wrong, I love the whole
Downton Abbey vibe.

279
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,519
Cannot get enough of that shit.

280
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,919
But let's face it, I'm not going
to remember anyone's name, am I?

281
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,999
No offence, Weng Weng.
It's Weiwei, ma'am.

282
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,559
Weiwei Weng. Not Weng Weng Weng.

283
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,560
I rest my case, case, case.

284
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,039
And these are your living
quarters, ma'am.

285
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,559
Well, I can see why it's called
Macquarie House,

286
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,999
not Macquarie Palace.

287
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,799
Why have they put us in storage?

288
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,999
Oh, no, no, no.
This will never do.

289
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,439
Depressing, shoddy, cringe,

290
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,839
German.
You getting all this down?

291
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:24,959
You threw away my laptop.

292
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,959
Oh, and that's my fault now, is it?

293
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,719
No.

294
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,879
Hey, I'm Zoe.

295
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,999
I'm your new
director of communications.

296
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,759
Wow, nice digs.

297
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,679
So, erm, how was the flight?

298
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,359
Are you just slumped AF
with jet lag?

299
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,999
Nice to meet you, Zoe.

300
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,519
I am rather slumped, yes,
thank you for asking.

301
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,599
If I may be so bold, the correct way
to address me is ma'am,

302
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:50,119
not hey. Unless, of course, you're
suggesting we throw 1,200 years

303
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,799
of protocol out the window because
you've had your face pierced.

304
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,679
So rude.

305
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,159
I'm sorry, ma'am.

306
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,039
I just thought...
Yes, well, please don't.

307
00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,279
It's highly overrated.

308
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,479
Isn't that right, Anabel?

309
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:02,240
Tuna melt, if they have it.

310
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,439
So if you wanted...
And while we're at it,

311
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,600
taking a seat while the Queen
is standing is another no-no.

312
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,359
Isn't he sitting?
I don't count. I too am slumped AF.

313
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,839
I was under the impression
I was hired because you wanted

314
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,639
the Australians
to see you as an equal.

315
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,119
Why on earth would I want that?

316
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,719
To help modernise the monarchy?

317
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,479
Are you a republican?

318
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,239
Republican? No, I wouldn't call
myself a republican,

319
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,959
although I have seen
The Princess Diaries like 20 times.

320
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,319
But I guess I'm open to asking
the question.

321
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,920
What question is that?

322
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,639
Whether being born... into unearned
privilege

323
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,399
is an outdated... concept.

324
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,879
That is the exact definition
of a republican.

325
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,199
Let's get rid of this one
before she cuts off my head.

326
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,519
Wait, wait, wait. Ma'am, if I could
just plead my case.

327
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:51,319
I am very good at what I do.

328
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,759
I'm at the cutting edge
of PR and social media,

329
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,119
I'm very well connected
and I will make it my mission

330
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,039
to turn your reign into
a global sensation

331
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,159
that is the envy of the world.

332
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,519
Can you introduce me
to the Hemsworth brothers?

333
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,879
All three of them.

334
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,279
Then you may stay.

335
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,639
Didn't know there were three.

336
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,239
Thank you, ma'am.
You won't regret it.

337
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,719
So, getting started.
Tonight's welcome reception...

338
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,159
Hold on, not tonight,
I've been travelling for 24 hours.

339
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,039
I know, long haul's a killer,
but this was agreed two weeks ago.

340
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,079
Yes, but not for today.
I agreed to do it tomorrow.

341
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,479
No. When you agreed to it,
today would have been tomorrow.

342
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,199
No, tomorrow would have been
tomorrow.

343
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,399
No, tomorrow would have
been two days after today.

344
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,639
I think the mix-up is you agreed
to do it tomorrow because you didn't

345
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,559
realise that tomorrow was today
in Australia.

346
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,199
Because when you agreed to do it
tomorrow, you were in England,

347
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:35,399
where it was yesterday.

348
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,959
What are you, a fucking Time Lord
now?

349
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,559
Just got back from the planet
of the tiny doll hands?

350
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:44,439
How are we only now figuring out
the bloody time difference?

351
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,199
Planet of the tiny doll hands!
That's funny.

352
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:49,559
OK, right. That's... Just get out.

353
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,960
Please, everyone, just get out.

354
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,560
I'll just have my tuna melt
in my room. Out!

355
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,799
Well, that could have gone better.

356
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:10,400
I... hate... Australia!

357
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,159
That's why they've sent me here.

358
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,719
Punishment.

359
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,759
When I was 13, they shipped me
off to boarding school in Canberra

360
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,039
for a year. It was misery.

361
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,559
I was bullied relentlessly.

362
00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,999
They called me all sorts of names.

363
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,639
Ranga, Pom pig, bush pig,

364
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,559
Mick Hucknall, Princess Drongo,
Princess Pisspot...

365
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,279
I'm sorry you were on the receiving
end of some hurtful

366
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,199
albeit highly amusing nicknames,

367
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,879
but let's not lose sight
of why you're here, ma'am.

368
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,359
Your shenanigans have brought
the British monarchy

369
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:43,159
to a near collapse. Not something
one particularly wants on one's CV.

370
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,559
Nor is a CV something one
particularly wants.

371
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:48,639
Nevertheless, you're going to be
needing one if you cock this up

372
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,799
and they cut you off, because that's
what's on the cards, my dear.

373
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,039
This is your last chance
to continue living as a royal.

374
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,279
It's Australia or bust.

375
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,199
I'm a PR disaster, Bernard.

376
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,559
How am I going to pull this off?!

377
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,399
Now's the time to dig in, ma'am.

378
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,399
For once, show yourself
to be an asset

379
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,239
rather than a liability.

380
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:10,119
I won't lie,

381
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,079
it won't be easy for someone
like you.

382
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,159
None taken.

383
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:17,119
However, I do believe somewhere
inside your spoilt, insolent,

384
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:20,759
brattish being there lies a queen
ready to burst out.

385
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,279
Thank you, Bernard.

386
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,359
Sadly, that might be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

387
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,600
I know.

388
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,359
Question. Hm?

389
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,479
What if this queen
ready to burst out

390
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,399
ends up being so majestically
on point the whole Commonwealth

391
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,679
wants a piece of her?

392
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,839
Let's not get ahead of ourselves,
Princess Pisspot.

393
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,799
There's every chance she'll fuck
things up by this time tomorrow.

394
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,079
By which I mean today.

395
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:46,400
Your Majesty.

396
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,040
Mick Hucknall!

397
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:52,199
HE LAUGHS

398
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,040
I can hear you.

399
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,279
Jesus Christ, Anabel,
stop faffing about.

400
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,880
Sorry, I'm just trying to push
in your back fat.

401
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,040
- ZOE GASPS
- Holy shit. Look at you.

402
00:19:11,043 --> 00:19:12,599
You look hot as hell right now.

403
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,479
Oh, I'm glad you've taken my note
about decorum on board, Zoe.

404
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:16,919
All right, then. Are we all set?

405
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,679
Everybody's waiting, room's packed.

406
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,919
Dignitaries, titans of industry,
media moguls. This is your moment.

407
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,839
It's showtime. Good luck, ma'am.

408
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,479
You're going to be amazing.

409
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,839
Just be yourself.
Yeah, just be myself.

410
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,159
Team Queen.

411
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,759
Are you ready to start your reign?

412
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,080
I was born ready.

413
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,120
Make sure they don't photograph
her from behind.

414
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,159
♪ Hands up and touch the sky

415
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,479
♪ Yo, yo, we gon fly tonight... ♪

416
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,959
Ready, ma'am? Yes. Let's go.

417
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,999
Your Majesty, may I present, the
Prime Minister of New Zealand,

418
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,719
Mr George Martin. How do you do?

419
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,239
♪ I got the ride, I got the cribs

420
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,119
♪ I got the chicks, I got the
money, money, money... ♪

421
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,079
Drink up. It's all free.

422
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,759
Oh, no, I think it's too cheap.

423
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:07,799
Hello.

424
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,399
You two!

425
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,879
Thank you so much.

426
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:11,919
He still owes me money.

427
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,279
It's lovely to meet you.

428
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,599
Prime Minister. Your Majesty.

429
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,479
May I introduce Richard Steele,
CEO of Steele Media?

430
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,399
Your Majesty. How do you do?

431
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,439
Very well, thank you. We were just
discussing

432
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,399
the Prime Minister's initiative
to help end world hunger by 2030.

433
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:28,759
2030?

434
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,359
Let's not rush into anything.

435
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,279
It's not like there's anyone
starving to death

436
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,480
right now, is there?

437
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,679
If I may ask,
where DO your passions lie?

438
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,679
Which causes do you intend
to champion?

439
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:46,879
Oh, you know, the poor, the meek,
the mild -

440
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,599
all the big hitters, really.

441
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,759
We will be outlining all the Queen's
Patronages in the coming weeks.

442
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,399
Child labour. Excuse me?

443
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,519
That's another one.

444
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,319
Against it, not for it.

445
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,919
Unless, of course, they enjoy it.

446
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:00,039
Pride in one's work
can be very empowering.

447
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,999
It's a complicated issue, for sure.

448
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,879
I think you're going to be
very good for business.

449
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,719
Awfully sorry to interrupt.

450
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,960
I need to steal Her Majesty away
for a moment. Do excuse me.

451
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,439
Did you hear?
What am I passionate about?

452
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,239
Oh, let me think -
getting the fuck out of Australia.

453
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,280
Does that answer your question,
you nosy twat?

454
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,159
Oh, we need to find a charity for
mild people I can put my name to.

455
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,479
I shall get right on to that.

456
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,479
What's this?

457
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,839
Sorry. Hello. Sir, hello?

458
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,079
You, sir.

459
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,119
Its Weiwei, ma'am.

460
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,959
Yes, way, way too many vowels.

461
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:41,279
Why are we serving these?

462
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,919
I specifically said only serve
these if I'm hung over.

463
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,679
Is Her Majesty not hung over?

464
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,159
Why would you think she is?

465
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,599
I would say mainly this.

466
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,640
Go away, Weiwei. Ma'am.

467
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:54,639
Ma'am, we have an issue
with your speech.

468
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,759
No, I'm absolutely not cutting
the koala joke.

469
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,519
They're going to love it.
No, we don't HAVE the speech.

470
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,999
What? It was on my laptop that you
threw out the window.

471
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:06,239
My brand-new laptop that was
a good-luck-in-your-new-job gift

472
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:09,519
from my fiancee. So new, in fact,
that it hadn't been backed up yet.

473
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:10,719
But I'm over that now.

474
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:13,520
And great news,
I've remembered most of it.

475
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,679
Introduction.

476
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,399
Something nice about Australia.

477
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,439
The bit you thought was boring
about UK-Aussie relations.

478
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:23,599
Beef.

479
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,559
Thank yous.

480
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,080
Smile.

481
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:32,839
Beef? One of our main exports.

482
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,519
It wasn't in the original speech,
but I thought it might give you

483
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,159
something to run with.
You have got to be joking.

484
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,039
How can I stand up there
without a speech?!

485
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:44,119
Ladies and gentlemen, Her Majesty
Queen Georgiana of Australia.

486
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,959
APPLAUSE
You're going to be amazing. Am I?

487
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,520
Team Queen.
I'm going to have you killed.

488
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,439
My fellow Australians,

489
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,999
it is an honour to stand here
before you as your Queen.

490
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:03,199
I do so with humility and pride,
and I pledge to serve you always

491
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:05,879
and honour this duty bestowed
upon me.

492
00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,800
APPLAUSE

493
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,839
Australia is a magnificent country.

494
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:23,159
Rich in its unique culture
and traditions and renowned,

495
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,360
of course, for its... beef.

496
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:37,239
Australia's cattle rearing
and subsequent butchery of livestock

497
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,560
are the envy of slaughterhouses
around the world.

498
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:46,599
I know if I were a cow, I'd choose
to have my throat slashed

499
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,799
on Australian soil.

500
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:49,840
MURMURING

501
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:57,719
The... longstanding ties between the
United Kingdom and Australia are...

502
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,279
ongoing and remain...

503
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,559
a thing.

504
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:05,440
So that's good.

505
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:11,239
If I may speak freely -

506
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,479
and let's face it,
who's going to stop me? -

507
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,959
truth be told,
this wasn't my planned speech.

508
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,519
LAUGHTER

509
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,679
Hardly surprising,
given the detour about beef.

510
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,479
LAUGHTER

511
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,119
To be completely honest, I'm so
jet-lagged I don't even know

512
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,560
if I'm facing the right way.

513
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,759
SHOUT FROM THE BACK

514
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,719
Oh, I didn't quite catch that,

515
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,279
but I'm going to assume
you're on side, sir.

516
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:35,919
I am, after all, your Queen,

517
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,760
and reserve the right to throw you
in the tower.

518
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,239
We still do that, you know.

519
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,879
And don't think we haven't got one
here because I asked them

520
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:46,520
to build it before I arrived.

521
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,959
So, two lesbian koalas
walk into a bar...

522
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,199
SILENCE

523
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,719
Just be yourself?!

524
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,999
The last person you should be
telling me to be is me.

525
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,879
And how dare you let me
tell that joke?

526
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,639
They found it highly offensive.

527
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,799
It's already trending
on Steele News.

528
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:10,199
Jesus Christ, do you have control
over anything?!

529
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,119
I thought the beef stuff went well.

530
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,959
I thought the beef stuff
went well too.

531
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,279
Actually, I thought the beef
stuff saved us.

532
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,039
Didn't you, Matthew? Team Queen.

533
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,919
Team Shit!

534
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,119
That's what you all are.

535
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:24,719
Team Shit.

536
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,359
Is everything all right?
Yes, thank you, Rebecca.

537
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:32,559
Everything's peachy! I'm just
debriefing here with Team Shit.

538
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,519
Bet your team aren't shit,
are they?

539
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,599
Bet you don't even need
a team, do you?

540
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,159
Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

541
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:43,119
IMITATES ACCENT: I'm the
Prime Minister and I'm just perfect!

542
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:47,760
I'm going to end world hunger
all by myself!

543
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,520
Hmm? Hmm.

544
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:02,559
It's been a long day,
a lot of excitement.

545
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,439
Perhaps everyone should sleep on it

546
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:08,599
and tomorrow you can figure out
where it all went so horribly wrong.

547
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:10,919
Ma'am.

548
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,319
We already know that bit!

549
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:16,879
It was Team Shit, and I'm getting
T-shirts printed.

550
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,079
Super.

551
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:20,799
No, Anabel, it is not super.

552
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,679
It is very, very, very not super.

553
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,519
And I'm putting that on the back!

554
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,719
Except that might draw attention
to the fat roll below your bra.

555
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,840
Fuck me!

556
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,880
Just put me down for an extra small.

557
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,480
Who's on T-shirts?

558
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,119
I'd like a minute to myself, please.

559
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,719
Sorry, Your Majesty. I can't let you
be out here on your own,

560
00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,079
for safety reasons.

561
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:54,759
Oh, it's all right.
I'm not going to throw myself off.

562
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,599
I don't think my speech
was that bad. Do you? No, ma'am.

563
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,799
Then again, I'm not a lesbian koala.

564
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,679
What's your name again?

565
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,239
Marc.

566
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,159
Bit boring, isn't it?

567
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,720
It's Marc with a C.

568
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,399
Cark?

569
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:11,879
The C's at the end.

570
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,440
Makes more sense.

571
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,159
Please leave me alone,
I shall be fine.

572
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,719
This is a residential area, ma'am.
It's my job to protect you.

573
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:23,400
Protect me from what?
Someone stealing my Wi-Fi?

574
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,639
Are you supposed to
take a bullet for me?

575
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,359
Let's hope it never gets to that.

576
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:35,879
But let's suppose. It's probably
somewhere in the small print, yes.

577
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:37,799
I'm sure you've been briefed.

578
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:42,759
I'm a loose cannon, a fuck-up
and a liability, if you will.

579
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,559
I believe it was
headstrong and unconventional.

580
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,160
Which is British for a fuck-up
and a liability.

581
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,559
At least it's not boring.

582
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,879
Well, sorry to disappoint everyone,

583
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:58,319
but there's a new queen waiting
to burst out, apparently.

584
00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,039
And she's not going to put another
foot wrong,

585
00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:06,759
even in this 10,000-miles-from-home
dust bowl of an inferno.

586
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:08,200
None taken.

587
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:13,560
Goodnight.

588
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:16,120
Cark.

589
00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:24,599
♪ Pleased to meet you

590
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:26,079
♪ Satan's my name

591
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,839
♪ I can make you sin

592
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:29,999
♪ I can make you feel pain

593
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,279
♪ I can twist

594
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:32,879
♪ I can make you seduce me

595
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,639
♪ Want to do the Watusi?

596
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:36,879
♪ You can call me Lucy

597
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,239
♪ Satan Satan's a woman

598
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,639
♪ Satan Yeah, I'm a woman

599
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,959
♪ Satan Satan's a woman

600
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,480
♪ Satan
Oh, yeah, I'm the evil one. ♪