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- ♪ MTV ♪
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[sleigh bells jingling]
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[gentle music]
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- Dear heavenly Father,
Jim Dangle is a good fella.
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Please look after him tonight.
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00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:41,632
- Lord, please look after
the lieutenant tonight.
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He's in a tough spot.
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00:20:43,667 --> 00:20:47,671
- God, please,
when will I get my period?
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Oh, and if you get a minute,
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00:20:49,139 --> 00:20:50,741
could you look after
my friend Jim Dangle?
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He looks like
he's kind of losing it.
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♪ ♪
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- [sobbing]
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Oh, Lord.
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What a year!
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I got weasel pox
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and then I got
rebound weasel pox,
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and then I bought
all that cryptocurrency
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because of that excellent
commercial with Matt Damon.
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And then I finally got that
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Alanis Morissette tramp stamp
that I wanted,
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and the guy spelled it...
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so close, but not--
not exactly right.
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[bicycle bell dinging]
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Oh, hey, sir?
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00:21:29,313 --> 00:21:30,914
Please don't
fuck my bicycle.
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That's my bike
that you're fucking, sir.
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Hey, sir? Sir?
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OK, guess what?
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Joke's on you, that bike seat
has weasel pox on it.
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Oh, Lord.
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If there was ever
a Christmas angel out there,
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I sure could use one tonight.
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[angelic singing]
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♪ ♪
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- Bee!
- Ahh! Oh, my God!
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Terry?
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- No, it's a Christmas angel.
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- It's Terry
as a Christmas angel.
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- Yeah, that's my name.
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00:21:58,008 --> 00:21:59,343
- You got new skates.
- Yeah.
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- You put mistletoe on your--
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- On my gennies.
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All the elves gather around,
and then they rub it
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and then I make a candy cane
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and then snow comes out
in their face.
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- Terry.
- What?
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- I'm just having
the worst year ever.
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I hate to say this,
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but wouldn't
the world be better
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if maybe I'd just
never been born?
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- [gasps] How can you say that?
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- I just did, with my mouth,
out into your face.
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- Lieutenant Dangle, do you
want to see what Reno would
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be like if you were never born?
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- Show me, Terry.
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What do I have to do?
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- It's real simple.
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Just hold on
to my jingle berries.
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- Is this a--your trick--
no, this is a trick.
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- No, it's not.
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- OK.
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Where there's a will,
there's a way.
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[ethereal harp music]
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- Oh, my gosh.
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- Is that--no!
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- Yes.
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[gentle glass harp music
playing]
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[wild cheering]
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♪ ♪
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- Trudy?
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- [whispering] Yes.
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- She's incomparable.
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♪ ♪
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- Trudy!
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- No, she can't hear you.
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Remember, you were never born.
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♪ ♪
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- Is that Rizzo?
Rizzo!
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Rizzo, It's Jim!
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- He can't hear you.
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- Oh, right.
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[music intensifies]
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[wild cheering]
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♪ ♪
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- Not on my watch.
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[grunts]
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- [screams]
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- Go!
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Yeah!
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[cheers and applause]
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[microphone feedback]
- Thank you, everyone!
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My name is Trudy Wiegel.
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I love each
and every one of you!
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[steam hisses]
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- Let's see what Jones
is like if you were never born.
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- [fading out] Show me no more!
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Show me no--
[ethereal harp music]
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[indistinct chatter]
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Holy snot.
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[cheers and applause]
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[inspiring music]
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♪ ♪
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Jones is the mother-effing
Sunday front-of-house manager
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at the mother-effing
Melting Crock?
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- Oh, yeah.
- My God.
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♪ ♪
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- Hot-cha.
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♪ ♪
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- Yeah.
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- Oh, my God.
They love him so much.
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- He's worshipped.
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- All right, let's fon-do this!
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[laughter]
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- Where? Why?
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Is that Kimball?
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- I would do literally anything
if you would get us a table
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sooner than 45 minutes.
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- Well, maybe I can accommodate
you and your little pussy.
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- Oh, there isn't a cat
in this cat carrier.
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There's a snake.
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And I have a doctor's note
that says I'm allowed
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to bring it into restaurants.
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[pager beeps, buzzes]
[gasps]
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- Table's ready.
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- Boy, it sure is.
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- Kimball's hot,
and she owns a snake?
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- Yes.
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See, this is what
their lives are like
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if you were never born
and fucked everything up!
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- No.
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No!
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Terry, don't show me any more.
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- Wait till we see Clemmy.
- No!
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- And this time--
- No!
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- Brace yourself.
- No.
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[vocalizing]
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- [fading out] No!
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No.
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No!
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[somber organ music]
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Terry, no!
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Not Clementine!
144
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- It's real!
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- She was the only
photogenic one!
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And she also owes me $1,500
for spray tan sessions
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that we were going to split,
and then she was like,
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I'll use half and you use half.
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No, Terry, no!
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- Yes, look at her.
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- [gasps]
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- And that's how elegant
you would look in this,
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the Cadillac of all coffins.
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Did I mention it has Bluetooth
in case you're buried alive
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and want to talk
to someone about it,
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or listen to a podcast?
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- Hi, Clemmy!
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- She can't hear you, remember?
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I've told you that.
- Sounds expensive.
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- Maybe you've seen
my brand new Suzuki Outback
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with optional roof rack
outside.
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- You're rich, bitch.
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- I'm the best coffin salesman
in the Sierras.
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- I know that's right.
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For some reason,
all my husbands keep dying.
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Wah, wah.
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- I'm sorry for your loss.
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[laughter]
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- Oh!
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You know what I really want
to do right now?
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- What?
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- Listen to
the Chipmunks' "Greatest Hits"
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and go pee on Terry.
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- I would love to pee on Terry
and listen to the Chipmunks.
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[laughter]
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- ♪ Pee on Terry
and listen to the Chipmunks ♪
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- ♪ Alvin ♪
- ♪ Simon ♪
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- ♪ Theodore ♪
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- ♪ I said, Alvin ♪
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both: ♪ Simon and Theodore ♪
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- Alvin. Simon.
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Ahh!
- Urine! Urine!
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00:26:55,138 --> 00:26:56,707
- Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
184
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- What? Oh, my gosh!
- Oh. Oh.
185
00:26:58,442 --> 00:26:59,943
Terry!
- What?
186
00:26:59,943 --> 00:27:01,244
- Oh!
187
00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:02,412
- Where's all the pee
I was promised
188
00:27:02,412 --> 00:27:03,780
by the girls with big boobs?
189
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- I think you were projecting
all of that.
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[bell ringing]
[gasps]
191
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I just heard a bell ringing.
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- [gasps] Oh, my gosh.
193
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Every time a bell rings,
an angel gets a tug job.
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- From?
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00:27:13,223 --> 00:27:15,592
- [vocalizing]
196
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- Not me.
197
00:27:17,861 --> 00:27:19,196
- I've been
to Tug Jobs Anonymous.
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I'm in there right now.
Don't tell anybody.
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- Who else is in it with you?
200
00:27:21,865 --> 00:27:24,301
- It's me
and Gary Busey's mailman.
201
00:27:24,301 --> 00:27:26,103
- Terry!
- God! What?
202
00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:27,237
- What day is it?
203
00:27:27,237 --> 00:27:28,538
- Oh, my God!
204
00:27:28,538 --> 00:27:29,940
It's only a couple days
till Christmas!
205
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- [gasps]
206
00:27:30,974 --> 00:27:32,342
Then there's still time!
207
00:27:32,342 --> 00:27:34,511
- There's still time
to get peed on!
208
00:27:34,511 --> 00:27:36,580
- Uh, and--and/or
other things.
209
00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:38,215
- Right, but mainly peed on.
- Go.
210
00:27:38,215 --> 00:27:39,449
Just go.
Go, go, go, go, go,
211
00:27:39,449 --> 00:27:40,550
- Asparagus?
- Go.
212
00:27:40,550 --> 00:27:41,818
- Eat asparagus.
- Go.
213
00:27:41,818 --> 00:27:44,821
Merry Christmas,
dirty old pervert man!
214
00:27:44,821 --> 00:27:47,057
["The Chipmunk Song"
instrumental]
215
00:27:47,057 --> 00:27:48,425
- Fuck this place.
216
00:27:49,559 --> 00:27:51,828
- Merry Christmas, Reno!
217
00:27:51,828 --> 00:27:53,797
- Merry Christmas, weed store!
218
00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:56,466
- Merry Christmas,
you old dildo shop!
219
00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,568
- Merry Christmas,
Soup on a Stick!
220
00:27:58,568 --> 00:28:01,371
- Merry Christmas,
frozen dildo shop!
221
00:28:01,371 --> 00:28:03,473
- Merry Christmas,
Genital Decorators!
222
00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:06,777
- Merry Christmas,
paint-your-own dildo shop!
223
00:28:06,777 --> 00:28:09,413
- Merry Christmas,
Animal Butt Plugs!
224
00:28:09,413 --> 00:28:15,986
♪ ♪
225
00:28:15,986 --> 00:28:17,220
- Terry?
226
00:28:17,220 --> 00:28:19,423
♪ ♪
227
00:28:19,423 --> 00:28:21,458
Were we supposed
to get going, Terry?
228
00:28:21,458 --> 00:28:24,428
[festive music]
229
00:28:24,428 --> 00:28:28,231
♪ ♪
230
00:28:28,231 --> 00:28:29,933
- Anyway,
your lives were great.
231
00:28:29,933 --> 00:28:31,668
Good morning, gang.
- Good morning.
232
00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:33,036
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
233
00:28:33,036 --> 00:28:34,805
- Uh, this week's briefings
are brought to you
234
00:28:34,805 --> 00:28:38,608
by Fugly Nubs,
the app that gets
235
00:28:38,608 --> 00:28:41,778
horrifyingly ugly
yet very usable parts
236
00:28:41,778 --> 00:28:44,581
of chickens directly to you.
237
00:28:44,581 --> 00:28:46,183
- Wait, what?
238
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:48,318
- The way you eat a chicken,
it's skinned, and the pieces--
239
00:28:48,318 --> 00:28:49,986
I've never considered
them attractive.
240
00:28:49,986 --> 00:28:51,455
- Well, I'm sorry.
The fine print says,
241
00:28:51,455 --> 00:28:52,789
uh, "Parts of chickens
242
00:28:52,789 --> 00:28:54,725
that aren't even usable
in Mexican restaurants."
243
00:28:54,725 --> 00:28:54,751
- It sounds like this company
isn't selling you
244
00:28:55,318 --> 00:28:58,254
[upbeat music]
245
00:28:58,254 --> 00:29:02,091
♪ ♪
246
00:29:02,091 --> 00:29:04,660
- Does everyone remember
the oath that HR made us take?
247
00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:07,330
And I won't show my wiener
to anybody.
248
00:29:07,330 --> 00:29:09,432
- I will not show
my wiener to anybody.
249
00:29:09,432 --> 00:29:10,633
- No such thing
as a penis oath.
250
00:29:10,633 --> 00:29:12,001
- What are we doing?
- Oh.
251
00:29:12,001 --> 00:29:13,436
- Oh, we were just taking
an oath that we wouldn't
252
00:29:13,436 --> 00:29:14,770
show people our wieners.
253
00:29:14,770 --> 00:29:15,872
- Yeah, yeah.
254
00:29:15,872 --> 00:29:17,673
- Well, we had a situation
with a--
255
00:29:17,673 --> 00:29:19,175
- Yeah, there's a chimpanzee
running through the mall.
256
00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:20,476
- Chimpanzee.
257
00:29:20,476 --> 00:29:21,911
- It got into the Santa sack
and, uh,
258
00:29:21,911 --> 00:29:23,146
we don't know where it is.
259
00:29:23,146 --> 00:29:24,180
- It's all part
of a terrible ransom.
260
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:25,481
- You're being chimp-sacked?
261
00:29:25,481 --> 00:29:27,416
- Not a thing.
- The adult male chimpanzee
262
00:29:27,416 --> 00:29:29,886
has nine times the grip
of that of a male adult.
263
00:29:29,886 --> 00:29:32,855
The secret is,
you have to be a chimp
264
00:29:32,855 --> 00:29:34,557
of a higher status.
265
00:29:34,557 --> 00:29:36,259
It's a status game, mates.
266
00:29:36,259 --> 00:29:37,426
Watch and learn.
267
00:29:37,426 --> 00:29:39,328
- He's over here, behind the--
268
00:29:39,328 --> 00:29:40,730
- He knows what he's doing.
269
00:29:40,730 --> 00:29:41,697
This is good.
270
00:29:41,697 --> 00:29:43,633
- All right, this is no good.
271
00:29:43,633 --> 00:29:45,001
You need, like, a moose
or something.
272
00:29:45,001 --> 00:29:46,169
A reindeer is not big enough.
273
00:29:46,169 --> 00:29:47,770
- OK.
- Not big enough.
274
00:29:47,770 --> 00:29:49,505
- Bigger chimp.
- Bigger chimp.
275
00:29:49,505 --> 00:29:50,773
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Status game.
276
00:29:50,773 --> 00:29:52,475
- Oh, yes. Yeah, OK.
- Come on.
277
00:29:52,475 --> 00:29:53,910
Come on, chimpie.
- OK, OK.
278
00:29:53,910 --> 00:29:56,512
[chimpanzee screaming]
- [screaming]
279
00:29:56,512 --> 00:29:57,780
- Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
280
00:29:57,780 --> 00:29:59,115
That sounds--that sounds bad.
- Oh!
281
00:29:59,115 --> 00:30:00,283
[thumping]
282
00:30:00,283 --> 00:30:02,418
[screaming]
283
00:30:02,418 --> 00:30:03,986
- Oh, he's OK!
284
00:30:03,986 --> 00:30:06,055
- He's got a bit
of fight in him, that one.
285
00:30:06,055 --> 00:30:07,590
All right, different tactic.
286
00:30:07,590 --> 00:30:09,025
I want him to think
that I'm a female.
287
00:30:09,025 --> 00:30:10,159
You, you.
288
00:30:10,159 --> 00:30:11,394
I need some musk.
289
00:30:11,394 --> 00:30:13,429
This way--this way--
- OK.
290
00:30:13,429 --> 00:30:15,097
- He'll think that I'm a woman.
- That works.
291
00:30:15,097 --> 00:30:16,199
That works.
- Not enough.
292
00:30:16,199 --> 00:30:17,567
Not enough.
- Oh!
293
00:30:17,567 --> 00:30:18,901
- You want some? Oh.
294
00:30:18,901 --> 00:30:20,036
- OK.
- Hey.
295
00:30:20,036 --> 00:30:21,404
- Oh.
296
00:30:21,404 --> 00:30:22,672
- Guys, it's totally standard.
- That'll do it.
297
00:30:22,672 --> 00:30:23,839
He'll like that.
He'll like that.
298
00:30:23,839 --> 00:30:25,208
- OK, good.
You're welcome.
299
00:30:25,208 --> 00:30:26,909
- Maybe.
Santa, come here.
300
00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:28,277
- You smell like a woman.
301
00:30:28,277 --> 00:30:29,979
- It's funny,
because usually when a man
302
00:30:29,979 --> 00:30:32,815
sticks his arm up my crotch,
I get his name first.
303
00:30:32,815 --> 00:30:35,017
- Now it's time
for the tender trap.
304
00:30:35,017 --> 00:30:36,052
- OK.
305
00:30:36,052 --> 00:30:37,520
- Godspeed.
306
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:39,155
- Oh, you go--you go, girl.
307
00:30:39,155 --> 00:30:40,590
[chimpanzee screaming]
308
00:30:40,590 --> 00:30:42,858
[glass breaking]
[all yelling]
309
00:30:42,858 --> 00:30:44,460
- Not in there!
Put him down.
310
00:30:44,460 --> 00:30:45,728
Put him down.
311
00:30:45,728 --> 00:30:47,330
- Is your foot in it?
- Leave it, no!
312
00:30:47,330 --> 00:30:48,664
No!
313
00:30:48,664 --> 00:30:49,699
- Ahh!
314
00:30:49,699 --> 00:30:50,967
[screaming]
- Oh, oh.
315
00:30:50,967 --> 00:30:52,168
- He's in--
316
00:30:52,168 --> 00:30:53,369
- Ahh!
- Oh, he's alive.
317
00:30:53,369 --> 00:30:54,470
- Oh.
- He's alive.
318
00:30:54,470 --> 00:30:55,471
- I got him.
319
00:30:55,471 --> 00:30:56,906
I choked him out.
320
00:30:56,906 --> 00:30:58,107
- You choked him out.
321
00:30:58,107 --> 00:30:59,709
- [laughs]
- Oh.
322
00:30:59,709 --> 00:31:02,011
- He's not going
to bother you anymore.
323
00:31:02,011 --> 00:31:03,212
He's a nice fella.
324
00:31:03,212 --> 00:31:05,014
Just needed a bit of love.
- Oh.
325
00:31:05,014 --> 00:31:06,482
- Thank you, brave sir.
326
00:31:06,482 --> 00:31:07,984
- You're a hero.
- Brave sir.
327
00:31:07,984 --> 00:31:09,151
Oh, thank you so much.
328
00:31:09,151 --> 00:31:11,153
Your items.
- Ah, wow. Wow.
329
00:31:11,153 --> 00:31:12,989
- Uh, let's--is this dumb?
330
00:31:12,989 --> 00:31:15,558
Can get a--can we get
a snap with the squad?
331
00:31:15,558 --> 00:31:17,159
- Oh, yeah.
That's a great idea.
332
00:31:17,159 --> 00:31:19,195
- Come on, come on.
[cheering]
333
00:31:19,195 --> 00:31:20,496
- That's great. Whoops.
334
00:31:20,496 --> 00:31:21,964
Can everybody go, "whoops"?
That's great.
335
00:31:21,964 --> 00:31:23,132
[chimpanzee screaming]
336
00:31:23,132 --> 00:31:24,333
[screaming]
337
00:31:24,333 --> 00:31:25,434
[tranquilizer gun fires]
338
00:31:25,434 --> 00:31:27,003
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Oh!
339
00:31:27,003 --> 00:31:28,237
- Oh, you got him, Jim!
340
00:31:28,237 --> 00:31:29,839
- I'm OK!
341
00:31:29,839 --> 00:31:31,741
[cheering]
342
00:31:31,741 --> 00:31:33,509
- It's a Christmas miracle!
343
00:31:33,509 --> 00:31:34,610
- Let's get the photo.
344
00:31:34,610 --> 00:31:36,145
Season's greetings!
345
00:31:36,145 --> 00:31:38,914
all: Season's greetings.
346
00:31:38,914 --> 00:31:41,217
- Only three days left
to Christmas.
347
00:31:41,217 --> 00:31:42,752
Bargains are abound.
348
00:31:42,752 --> 00:31:45,221
- Does anybody want
an Ice N Tasty?
349
00:31:45,221 --> 00:31:46,656
No, I need one to put on--
350
00:31:46,656 --> 00:31:48,057
to ice my tasties.
- Morning, officers.
351
00:31:48,057 --> 00:31:49,292
Morning, morning.
352
00:31:49,292 --> 00:31:50,326
- Well, hello there.
- Good morning.
353
00:31:50,326 --> 00:31:51,627
- Thank you for your service.
354
00:31:51,627 --> 00:31:53,195
We saw what you got up to
this morning.
355
00:31:53,195 --> 00:31:55,097
- Oh, yeah. We got, uh--uh--
356
00:31:55,097 --> 00:31:56,499
- Chimp--you got chimp-sacked.
357
00:31:56,499 --> 00:31:58,100
- We got chimp-sacked.
- We sure did.
358
00:31:58,100 --> 00:31:59,368
- My name is Gunner.
359
00:31:59,368 --> 00:32:01,437
- And my name
is Ronnie Donald Ceviche.
360
00:32:01,437 --> 00:32:02,638
- And I am Hold 'Em.
361
00:32:02,638 --> 00:32:04,040
- And I am Fold 'Em.
362
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:05,608
- Yeah.
We are the current stewards
363
00:32:05,608 --> 00:32:08,611
of the Kenny Rogers' Life
Exhibit.
364
00:32:08,611 --> 00:32:12,114
- Is this some kind of
traveling Kenny Rogers museum?
365
00:32:12,114 --> 00:32:13,582
- Some kind?
366
00:32:13,582 --> 00:32:17,520
This is the traveling
Kenny Rogers museum.
367
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:18,788
- We're talking too much.
368
00:32:18,788 --> 00:32:20,456
It's almost time
to start our show.
369
00:32:20,456 --> 00:32:22,625
- Oh, oh, oh!
- And...
370
00:32:22,625 --> 00:32:23,993
[Kenny Rogers' "Let it Snow"]
371
00:32:23,993 --> 00:32:27,063
- Born 21 August, 1938,
Kenneth Donald Rogers,
372
00:32:27,063 --> 00:32:29,098
known to his family
as Kenneth Ray,
373
00:32:29,098 --> 00:32:31,734
went on to be nominated
19 times for a Grammy
374
00:32:31,734 --> 00:32:35,638
and sold over
121 million records worldwide.
375
00:32:35,638 --> 00:32:38,441
- This is the exact size
Kenny was
376
00:32:38,441 --> 00:32:40,009
when he was this size.
377
00:32:40,009 --> 00:32:42,144
- Child-size Kenny.
- It looks just like him.
378
00:32:42,144 --> 00:32:43,746
It looks just like him.
379
00:32:43,746 --> 00:32:46,282
- And he grew up in poverty,
surrounded by rats.
380
00:32:46,282 --> 00:32:47,783
- No. That's not a rat, sir.
381
00:32:47,783 --> 00:32:50,586
That is a nine-banded
Texas armadillo.
382
00:32:50,586 --> 00:32:51,754
The Texas tank.
383
00:32:51,754 --> 00:32:53,322
- Well, this was amazing.
384
00:32:53,322 --> 00:32:54,490
I wish there was more to see.
385
00:32:54,490 --> 00:32:56,025
Oh--oh, there is more!
386
00:32:56,025 --> 00:32:57,360
Oh, wow.
387
00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,528
Oh, whoa!
- Whoa!
388
00:32:59,528 --> 00:33:03,032
- Kenny Rogers stood
at least 6 feet tall.
389
00:33:03,032 --> 00:33:05,568
Rumor is, he never
looked down on any man,
390
00:33:05,568 --> 00:33:07,603
but every man looked up to him.
391
00:33:07,603 --> 00:33:09,004
- Look, look.
392
00:33:09,004 --> 00:33:11,140
I'm big enough that
if you skinned me,
393
00:33:11,140 --> 00:33:12,675
Kenny Rogers could wear me.
394
00:33:12,675 --> 00:33:14,076
- Your brain works weird.
395
00:33:14,076 --> 00:33:15,111
I like it.
396
00:33:16,445 --> 00:33:18,647
- [laughs]
397
00:33:18,647 --> 00:33:22,351
- This has all of Kenny's songs
in Japanese?
398
00:33:22,351 --> 00:33:23,953
- Yep. All of them.
399
00:33:23,953 --> 00:33:24,854
- Why?
400
00:33:24,854 --> 00:33:28,023
[upbeat country music]
401
00:33:28,023 --> 00:33:32,128
♪ ♪
402
00:33:32,128 --> 00:33:34,897
- Is this a suit that he wore?
- Well, this--
403
00:33:34,897 --> 00:33:36,332
just like everything
you're about to see--
404
00:33:36,332 --> 00:33:39,101
is something that Kenny
actually wore himself
405
00:33:39,101 --> 00:33:42,671
or is a pretty accurate
just this side of replica.
406
00:33:42,671 --> 00:33:45,474
- This is a replica
that Kenny would have worn,
407
00:33:45,474 --> 00:33:47,810
had Kenny worn a replica
like this one.
408
00:33:47,810 --> 00:33:49,645
- It would have been this one.
- That's right.
409
00:33:49,645 --> 00:33:56,786
♪ ♪
410
00:34:12,501 --> 00:34:14,136
- Kenny grew up really poor.
411
00:34:14,136 --> 00:34:17,339
He couldn't afford a kitty,
so he had a baby goat.
412
00:34:17,339 --> 00:34:19,642
They nicknamed him Smitty.
413
00:34:19,642 --> 00:34:21,343
- This goat feels
like hard plastic.
414
00:34:21,343 --> 00:34:22,812
Is that what that is?
- It is.
415
00:34:22,812 --> 00:34:24,346
- That's what that is.
This is not even a real goat?
416
00:34:24,346 --> 00:34:25,981
- I mean, it's a goat in there,
but we lacquered it.
417
00:34:25,981 --> 00:34:27,483
And then after a while it
started to delaminate, so--
418
00:34:27,483 --> 00:34:28,851
- Magnificent.
419
00:34:28,851 --> 00:34:30,553
- Also just a test of,
could we laminate a goat?
420
00:34:30,553 --> 00:34:31,854
- Yeah.
421
00:34:31,854 --> 00:34:33,622
- Well, you never know
until you try.
422
00:34:33,622 --> 00:34:36,158
♪ ♪
423
00:34:36,158 --> 00:34:37,860
- OK.
424
00:34:37,860 --> 00:34:38,727
Hi.
425
00:34:38,727 --> 00:34:39,829
I don't see anybody.
426
00:34:39,829 --> 00:34:41,230
Let's do this quick. [grunts]
427
00:34:41,230 --> 00:34:43,199
- OK.
- Ready?
428
00:34:43,199 --> 00:34:45,901
both: One, two, three.
429
00:34:45,901 --> 00:34:47,703
- [grunts]
430
00:34:47,703 --> 00:34:48,938
[both sigh]
431
00:34:48,938 --> 00:34:50,940
- All right.
So the plan is, we call--
432
00:34:50,940 --> 00:34:52,541
we call animal control.
- Right.
433
00:34:52,541 --> 00:34:53,542
- And they come
pick this thing up.
434
00:34:53,542 --> 00:34:54,477
- Yeah.
- Right?
435
00:34:54,477 --> 00:34:55,811
- Yeah.
436
00:34:55,811 --> 00:34:57,213
- And it has a very
happy life somewhere
437
00:34:57,213 --> 00:34:58,614
in some--in something that
looks like
438
00:34:58,614 --> 00:35:00,015
a Tarzan set, right?
439
00:35:00,015 --> 00:35:01,984
- Or--or we leave it here,
and it just can run free.
440
00:35:01,984 --> 00:35:03,285
- That's right.
You know, it's like a jungle.
441
00:35:03,285 --> 00:35:04,553
It's like a concrete jungle.
442
00:35:04,553 --> 00:35:06,188
We're releasing the monkey
in the concrete--
443
00:35:06,188 --> 00:35:07,923
- Hello?
- Hello?
444
00:35:07,923 --> 00:35:08,891
- Hello?
445
00:35:08,891 --> 00:35:10,459
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
446
00:35:10,459 --> 00:35:11,727
Oh, my--
- [groans]
447
00:35:11,727 --> 00:35:13,062
- Hey!
- Keith!
448
00:35:13,062 --> 00:35:14,630
- Hey, man.
- Where am I?
449
00:35:14,630 --> 00:35:15,798
- What are you doing
in that sack?
450
00:35:15,798 --> 00:35:17,466
- What am I doing in that sack?
451
00:35:17,466 --> 00:35:18,501
- We got--
what's he doing here?
452
00:35:18,501 --> 00:35:20,035
- Did you guys tranq me?
453
00:35:20,035 --> 00:35:22,071
- Wait, if you're here, then--
454
00:35:22,071 --> 00:35:24,106
- Who'd we drop
at the strip club?
455
00:35:24,106 --> 00:35:26,976
[chimpanzee screaming
in distance]
456
00:35:26,976 --> 00:35:28,444
- You can take me
to the strip club.
457
00:35:28,444 --> 00:35:29,612
- No, no, no.
You stay here.
458
00:35:29,612 --> 00:35:30,613
We should go.
We'll check it out.
459
00:35:30,613 --> 00:35:31,580
- Yeah.
- We should go.
460
00:35:31,580 --> 00:35:32,781
- I got to go home!
461
00:35:32,781 --> 00:35:34,350
I know my wife's worried sick!
462
00:35:34,350 --> 00:35:35,551
She's bigger than me!
463
00:35:35,551 --> 00:35:38,320
[siren blaring]
464
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:41,290
- Is this what I think this is?
465
00:35:41,290 --> 00:35:45,494
- If you think this
is Kenny Rogers' bones,
466
00:35:45,494 --> 00:35:47,396
it absolutely is.
467
00:35:47,396 --> 00:35:49,098
- Please no flash photography.
468
00:35:49,098 --> 00:35:51,634
[all gasping]
469
00:35:51,634 --> 00:35:53,335
I can only keep it open
in little spurts,
470
00:35:53,335 --> 00:35:54,436
much like a Caravaggio.
471
00:35:54,436 --> 00:35:56,305
- Three, two, one.
472
00:35:56,305 --> 00:35:57,606
- Oh, whoa.
473
00:35:57,606 --> 00:36:00,976
- We just saw
Kenny Rogers' bones.
474
00:36:00,976 --> 00:36:02,645
- That is possible, yes.
- Yes.
475
00:36:02,645 --> 00:36:03,846
- Can I--should we all switch?
476
00:36:03,846 --> 00:36:05,080
I would love to see the bottom.
477
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:06,315
- Oh, yeah, please
see the bottom.
478
00:36:06,315 --> 00:36:10,252
Kenny Rogers' bones.
479
00:36:10,252 --> 00:36:11,453
[gasping]
480
00:36:11,453 --> 00:36:12,621
- Please no flash photography.
- [gasps]
481
00:36:12,621 --> 00:36:13,756
This side is even better.
482
00:36:13,756 --> 00:36:15,057
- The bottom side
is incredible.
483
00:36:15,057 --> 00:36:17,593
- His voice resonated
inside that skull.
484
00:36:17,593 --> 00:36:19,662
- There's still cards
in his hand.
485
00:36:19,662 --> 00:36:21,263
- Wow.
- Yeah.
486
00:36:21,263 --> 00:36:23,499
The kind of cards Kenny Rogers
would have held in his hands,
487
00:36:23,499 --> 00:36:25,100
had he died lying down.
488
00:36:25,100 --> 00:36:26,435
- Amazing.
489
00:36:26,435 --> 00:36:28,771
- I will say, having
just seen his wingspan,
490
00:36:28,771 --> 00:36:31,140
this is the full-size Kenny?
491
00:36:31,140 --> 00:36:33,208
- We should admit that we do
have the same parent company
492
00:36:33,208 --> 00:36:34,910
as the Body World show.
- Oh.
493
00:36:34,910 --> 00:36:36,478
- Remember that?
- OK.
494
00:36:36,478 --> 00:36:38,013
- Was that, like, the muscle
dudes that played volleyball?
495
00:36:38,013 --> 00:36:39,248
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
496
00:36:39,248 --> 00:36:40,849
- So there is some
cross-pollination where,
497
00:36:40,849 --> 00:36:42,351
you know, well,
we share a warehouse.
498
00:36:42,351 --> 00:36:43,719
- Sure, of course.
499
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:44,920
- Let's not tug
each other's nuts right here.
500
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:46,322
They may not be
Kenny Rogers' bones,
501
00:36:46,322 --> 00:36:48,457
but they remain bones,
mostly human bones.
502
00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:50,159
- Let's not tug our own nuts.
503
00:36:50,159 --> 00:36:51,560
- No.
504
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:54,496
- Let's not allow anyone
walking by to get a nut tug.
505
00:36:54,496 --> 00:36:56,131
Bones.
- Human bones.
506
00:36:56,131 --> 00:36:57,633
- Kenny Rogers had them.
- In the shape--
507
00:36:57,633 --> 00:36:59,234
in the shape of Kenny Rogers.
508
00:36:59,234 --> 00:37:00,402
You know what?
I'd kind of like to see
509
00:37:00,402 --> 00:37:01,770
the top half again,
would that be OK?
510
00:37:01,770 --> 00:37:03,439
- Oh, yeah. Please.
Please take your time.
511
00:37:03,439 --> 00:37:06,141
- You said pièce de résistance
two or three times.
512
00:37:06,141 --> 00:37:07,376
- Yeah.
513
00:37:07,376 --> 00:37:10,446
- This is clearly
the pièce de résistance.
514
00:37:10,446 --> 00:37:12,014
This has been wonderful.
515
00:37:12,014 --> 00:37:13,515
We'll just come by anytime,
and you guys can show these?
516
00:37:13,515 --> 00:37:15,751
- Any time you got $38,
you can come right on by here.
517
00:37:15,751 --> 00:37:17,052
- Again.
- Wow.
518
00:37:17,052 --> 00:37:19,855
[sleigh bells jingling]
["Ode to Joy"]
519
00:37:19,855 --> 00:37:21,256
♪ ♪
520
00:39:29,685 --> 00:39:30,819
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
521
00:39:30,819 --> 00:39:31,920
♪ They came up to your knee ♪
522
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:32,988
♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪
523
00:39:32,988 --> 00:39:34,990
♪ Take a look-y and see ♪
524
00:39:34,990 --> 00:39:38,460
- It's Christmas, and the Reno
Junior Deputies program
525
00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:41,130
has never needed your funds
more than right now.
526
00:39:41,130 --> 00:39:43,799
Every year y'all have been
leaving babies for us,
527
00:39:43,799 --> 00:39:45,567
like some kind
of backwards Grinch
528
00:39:45,567 --> 00:39:47,336
who never heard about rubbers.
529
00:39:47,336 --> 00:39:49,872
Well, meet my little friend
Freckles here.
530
00:39:49,872 --> 00:39:53,275
After 20 Christmases spent in
the Reno Sheriff's Department,
531
00:39:53,275 --> 00:39:55,577
this is little Freckles now.
532
00:39:57,146 --> 00:39:58,313
Good girl, Freckles.
533
00:39:58,313 --> 00:39:59,448
- I drank poison.
534
00:39:59,448 --> 00:40:00,783
- No, you didn't.
- Just kidding.
535
00:40:00,783 --> 00:40:01,984
No, I didn't.
536
00:40:01,984 --> 00:40:03,452
'Cause I can't,
'cause I'm pregnant.
537
00:40:03,452 --> 00:40:05,988
- Freckles, so help me God,
just say happy holidays
538
00:40:05,988 --> 00:40:07,523
from the Junior
Sheriff's Department,
539
00:40:07,523 --> 00:40:09,358
or I'll smack
the shit out of you.
540
00:40:09,358 --> 00:40:11,059
- I want you to.
541
00:40:11,059 --> 00:40:12,361
Kill me!
- Stop!
542
00:40:12,361 --> 00:40:13,529
- Kill me!
- Stop asking me to kill you!
543
00:40:13,529 --> 00:40:14,830
- Fucking kill me!
544
00:40:14,830 --> 00:40:15,931
- I am not going to kill you,
you little--
545
00:40:15,931 --> 00:40:17,366
- Suck my dick!
546
00:40:17,366 --> 00:40:18,333
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
547
00:40:18,333 --> 00:40:19,701
♪ Were only just cubs ♪
548
00:40:19,701 --> 00:40:21,236
♪ But now they're men
and women ♪
549
00:40:21,236 --> 00:40:22,805
♪ Kind of like us ♪
550
00:40:22,805 --> 00:40:25,874
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
551
00:40:25,874 --> 00:40:29,244
♪ ♪
552
00:40:31,513 --> 00:40:33,382
- We've been here since
4:00 a.m. this morning,
553
00:40:33,382 --> 00:40:35,083
and it has been my privilege
to introduce
554
00:40:35,083 --> 00:40:39,555
the Reno Sheriff's Department
to actual police procedure.
555
00:40:39,555 --> 00:40:42,658
Now, I have asked Jones
and Cindy to join me today.
556
00:40:42,658 --> 00:40:46,662
Mr. Richnickie
of the Sierra Nugget Mall has
557
00:40:46,662 --> 00:40:48,096
had some threatening letters
sent to him
558
00:40:48,096 --> 00:40:50,365
saying they're going
to steal his silver nugget.
559
00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:54,670
So I have started
what we call a string board.
560
00:40:54,670 --> 00:40:56,805
This is how all great crime
is solved.
561
00:40:56,805 --> 00:41:00,175
What we're going to do
is find possible connections
562
00:41:00,175 --> 00:41:02,544
to the potential theft
of the silver nugget,
563
00:41:02,544 --> 00:41:04,713
so if it gets stolen,
564
00:41:04,713 --> 00:41:06,682
and if we figure out
who stole it,
565
00:41:06,682 --> 00:41:09,151
perhaps we connect
it to something
566
00:41:09,151 --> 00:41:10,786
that fucking matters.
567
00:41:10,786 --> 00:41:12,788
We got OJ.
568
00:41:12,788 --> 00:41:14,289
I don't want to
get into it again.
569
00:41:14,289 --> 00:41:16,258
Who did this? What's this?
570
00:41:16,258 --> 00:41:19,228
- That's a coconut nut cluster
wrapper I put up there.
571
00:41:19,228 --> 00:41:20,329
That--maybe a wrapper--
572
00:41:20,329 --> 00:41:21,463
- What's the connection?
573
00:41:21,463 --> 00:41:24,066
- Maybe--maybe
a wrapper did it.
574
00:41:24,066 --> 00:41:26,602
- You're just saying what
you think I want to hear.
575
00:41:26,602 --> 00:41:27,769
- Hi.
- Hey.
576
00:41:27,769 --> 00:41:28,871
- Hey, Riz.
- Hey.
577
00:41:28,871 --> 00:41:30,272
What's up?
- Sorry I'm late.
578
00:41:30,272 --> 00:41:32,541
- Oh, you here to work on it?
579
00:41:32,541 --> 00:41:34,142
- You just told me
to show up here.
580
00:41:34,142 --> 00:41:35,510
- You know who could be guilty?
581
00:41:35,510 --> 00:41:37,279
- Oh, good. Yes. Who?
582
00:41:37,279 --> 00:41:40,315
- In Reno, almost...
583
00:41:40,315 --> 00:41:41,917
everyone.
584
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:43,752
- All right. No.
585
00:41:43,752 --> 00:41:46,455
[sleigh bells jingling]
[gentle music]
586
00:41:46,455 --> 00:41:47,990
- Oh, no.
- Oh, Lord.
587
00:41:47,990 --> 00:41:50,092
- Merry Christmas!
- Yep. It's Big Mike.
588
00:41:50,092 --> 00:41:51,526
- Is he huffing on them fumes?
589
00:41:51,526 --> 00:41:53,462
Sheriff's Department, Mike.
590
00:41:53,462 --> 00:41:54,496
He's got a flocker.
- He's got a flocker.
591
00:41:54,496 --> 00:41:55,731
- Got a flocker.
592
00:41:55,731 --> 00:41:57,366
Mike, put that
flocking gun down.
593
00:41:57,366 --> 00:41:59,434
- [gibberish]
594
00:41:59,434 --> 00:42:00,903
- Whoa! Mike! Hey!
[flocker sprays]
595
00:42:00,903 --> 00:42:02,371
Whoa! Hey! Hey!
596
00:42:02,371 --> 00:42:04,039
Hey. Stop it!
597
00:42:04,039 --> 00:42:05,307
Don't--have you
been huffing that?
598
00:42:05,307 --> 00:42:06,475
- Everyone is so--
- You can't--
599
00:42:06,475 --> 00:42:07,643
Mike, don't huff that.
Don't huff that.
600
00:42:07,643 --> 00:42:09,845
- Mike, that's bad
for your health.
601
00:42:09,845 --> 00:42:11,980
- [groaning]
602
00:42:11,980 --> 00:42:13,548
I'm a monster!
603
00:42:13,548 --> 00:42:14,917
Right.
- Mike, stop it.
604
00:42:14,917 --> 00:42:16,251
- Mike, stop.
- Mike, stop it!
605
00:42:16,251 --> 00:42:17,753
Stop it! Stop it!
606
00:42:17,753 --> 00:42:19,454
- What is that stuff?
- Hey, I'll flock you--
607
00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:20,555
I'll flock you up.
608
00:42:20,555 --> 00:42:21,757
- I'm fucking--do it.
609
00:42:21,757 --> 00:42:23,058
Give me--give me one.
610
00:42:23,058 --> 00:42:25,127
Give him the snowball.
611
00:42:25,127 --> 00:42:26,528
Here you go.
- Hey!
612
00:42:26,528 --> 00:42:29,798
- Guess what kind of call
we got on the telephone.
613
00:42:29,798 --> 00:42:31,433
- Man partying
in a parking lot?
614
00:42:31,433 --> 00:42:32,501
- No.
- No.
615
00:42:32,501 --> 00:42:34,036
- Man having a sale?
616
00:42:34,036 --> 00:42:37,673
Man selling
flocked Halloween ornaments
617
00:42:37,673 --> 00:42:39,241
at discount price?
618
00:42:39,241 --> 00:42:41,376
- This is definitely all
the stuff that got stolen
619
00:42:41,376 --> 00:42:43,211
from the Halloween stuff.
- Oh, yeah, 100%.
620
00:42:43,211 --> 00:42:45,080
I recognize that spider
'cause I wanted it,
621
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:47,082
and it was $64.
- Well, how much is it now?
622
00:42:47,082 --> 00:42:48,317
Hey, Mike?
623
00:42:48,317 --> 00:42:49,418
- Mike, how much is the spider?
624
00:42:49,418 --> 00:42:52,220
- 21.99 for the spider.
625
00:42:52,220 --> 00:42:53,322
- Really?
626
00:42:53,322 --> 00:42:54,623
For the whole spider?
627
00:42:54,623 --> 00:42:56,425
- Think up on top
of your Christmas tree.
628
00:42:56,425 --> 00:42:58,093
That sounds like
a pretty good idea.
629
00:42:58,093 --> 00:43:00,028
21.99 for me.
630
00:43:00,028 --> 00:43:01,663
- Mike, what happened
to that vehicle over there?
631
00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:03,365
- That's my race car.
632
00:43:03,365 --> 00:43:04,800
- Is that your vehicle?
- Yes.
633
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,034
- And the paperwork
would be in it
634
00:43:06,034 --> 00:43:07,336
that would show
that this belongs
635
00:43:07,336 --> 00:43:08,870
to Big Mike, and not Brenda?
636
00:43:08,870 --> 00:43:10,706
Wait a minute.
Did Brenda help you
637
00:43:10,706 --> 00:43:12,507
steal everything
from the Halloween stuff,
638
00:43:12,507 --> 00:43:14,109
and--stop it, Mike! Mike.
639
00:43:14,109 --> 00:43:15,077
Mike. Mike. Mike.
640
00:43:15,077 --> 00:43:16,311
Stop it.
641
00:43:16,311 --> 00:43:17,879
- Is Brenda dead in the trunk?
642
00:43:17,879 --> 00:43:21,583
- Brenda was called
to serve the Lord.
643
00:43:21,583 --> 00:43:24,152
That's why she moved
to Hot Springs, Arkansas.
644
00:43:24,152 --> 00:43:25,487
To serve the Lord. - She was
not with you
645
00:43:25,487 --> 00:43:27,055
when you robbed
the Halloween store?
646
00:43:27,055 --> 00:43:29,124
- No! Absolutely not!
647
00:43:29,124 --> 00:43:31,526
- I've met Brenda,
and she's a godless troll.
648
00:43:31,526 --> 00:43:32,761
- Well, that's what happened.
649
00:43:32,761 --> 00:43:34,029
See, those make
the best preachers.
650
00:43:34,029 --> 00:43:36,331
The ones that
start out as whores
651
00:43:36,331 --> 00:43:38,500
and drug dealers
and pedophiles
652
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:41,203
and ass-rapers
and dick smokers,
653
00:43:41,203 --> 00:43:42,471
and then they go,
654
00:43:42,471 --> 00:43:44,072
I'm dub--done with my dicks.
655
00:43:44,072 --> 00:43:46,375
I'm going up there
for the Lord.
656
00:43:46,375 --> 00:43:47,709
And she has a kennel--
657
00:43:47,709 --> 00:43:48,944
- I'm going to need
to check that vehicle.
658
00:43:48,944 --> 00:43:50,779
- She has--no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
659
00:43:50,779 --> 00:43:52,314
You don't got to check
that kennel.
660
00:43:52,314 --> 00:43:53,648
- I'm happy for her, actually.
661
00:43:53,648 --> 00:43:56,318
- She's doing so well.
662
00:43:56,318 --> 00:43:59,287
[flies buzzing]
663
00:43:59,287 --> 00:44:00,522
- Well.
664
00:44:00,522 --> 00:44:01,623
- Found her.
665
00:44:01,623 --> 00:44:02,891
- Yeah, Brenda's in there.
666
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:04,159
- Let's go, Mike.
- All right.
667
00:44:04,159 --> 00:44:05,360
- Good Lord.
668
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:06,795
- I'm going to throw up
real quick.
669
00:44:06,795 --> 00:44:07,896
- Do you think we
have time to stop
670
00:44:07,896 --> 00:44:09,297
by the Thanksgiving store?
671
00:44:09,297 --> 00:44:10,399
- Absolutely.
672
00:44:10,399 --> 00:44:13,301
[up-tempo rock music]
673
00:44:13,301 --> 00:44:14,569
♪ ♪
674
00:44:14,569 --> 00:44:15,804
- OK.
675
00:44:15,804 --> 00:44:17,339
We've been here
for about nine hours
676
00:44:17,339 --> 00:44:20,776
working on the string board,
and we are making progress.
677
00:44:20,776 --> 00:44:22,911
Uh, guys, you want
to run through
678
00:44:22,911 --> 00:44:24,646
what we've excluded so far?
679
00:44:24,646 --> 00:44:26,615
- Jesus, DEVO, OJ,
680
00:44:26,615 --> 00:44:28,583
Mark Fuhrman, the Black Dahlia.
681
00:44:28,583 --> 00:44:31,353
We also--remember,
we found out that's not
682
00:44:31,353 --> 00:44:33,488
a--that's not a microchip.
683
00:44:33,488 --> 00:44:34,623
It's seaweed.
684
00:44:34,623 --> 00:44:36,224
- I knew that going in.
685
00:44:36,224 --> 00:44:39,594
But we have eliminated some
of these possibilities.
686
00:44:39,594 --> 00:44:42,064
- It's come to my attention,
uh,
687
00:44:42,064 --> 00:44:43,899
that I think we have
not been looking
688
00:44:43,899 --> 00:44:46,935
at--where there's smoke,
there's sometimes fire.
689
00:44:46,935 --> 00:44:50,572
And I know everyone said they
don't know Mr. Richnickie,
690
00:44:50,572 --> 00:44:52,274
is that correct?
691
00:44:52,274 --> 00:44:53,842
- Yeah.
- Mm.
692
00:44:53,842 --> 00:44:56,545
- I mean, you know him,
because Reno's not a big town.
693
00:44:56,545 --> 00:44:57,679
I mean, I know him.
- Not a big town.
694
00:44:57,679 --> 00:44:59,047
- I wouldn't say that.
695
00:44:59,047 --> 00:45:00,482
- Jim, I will say we're
on the same bowling team.
696
00:45:00,482 --> 00:45:01,516
- You're on the same
bowling team.
697
00:45:01,516 --> 00:45:02,884
It's right there.
698
00:45:02,884 --> 00:45:06,655
- So you obviously know
that Richnickie and I
699
00:45:06,655 --> 00:45:09,424
own a balance beam
and jump rope play place,
700
00:45:09,424 --> 00:45:11,526
which is not thriving.
701
00:45:11,526 --> 00:45:14,129
And, um--so what?
702
00:45:14,129 --> 00:45:15,330
I know him.
703
00:45:15,330 --> 00:45:16,798
And I have
a small business with him.
704
00:45:16,798 --> 00:45:18,266
And he owes me some money.
705
00:45:18,266 --> 00:45:19,734
- We were in a band.
706
00:45:19,734 --> 00:45:23,305
- We dated the same woman
for...
707
00:45:23,305 --> 00:45:24,739
a little while.
708
00:45:24,739 --> 00:45:26,741
- And that woman was my mother.
709
00:45:26,741 --> 00:45:29,144
- And the, uh, third investor
710
00:45:29,144 --> 00:45:32,180
in my balance beam
and jump rope business.
711
00:45:32,180 --> 00:45:34,616
To be clear,
I think what interested her
712
00:45:34,616 --> 00:45:37,819
is the low overhead and
the small initial investment.
713
00:45:37,819 --> 00:45:39,421
It is a great idea.
714
00:45:39,421 --> 00:45:42,624
- Then why do you need so
much money from other people?
715
00:45:42,624 --> 00:45:44,059
- Because I'm generous.
716
00:45:44,059 --> 00:45:45,594
- We should take
all these guys down--
717
00:45:45,594 --> 00:45:47,062
- Oh--oh,
I don't know about that!
718
00:45:47,062 --> 00:45:48,497
- And put up all of us.
- No, no, no, no, no.
719
00:45:48,497 --> 00:45:50,132
This is--
- Declan!
720
00:45:50,132 --> 00:45:51,633
- Like, even as a background--
- Holy shit.
721
00:45:51,633 --> 00:45:52,868
Guys, guys, guys.
Sorry.
722
00:45:52,868 --> 00:45:54,236
I think I found a clue.
723
00:45:54,236 --> 00:45:55,770
Listen, I don't know
if it has something to do
724
00:45:55,770 --> 00:45:57,105
with these notes or not,
but I found this
725
00:45:57,105 --> 00:45:58,874
in the parking lot
and I think it's a clue.
726
00:45:58,874 --> 00:46:00,842
Pig in a jar!
- Yes, it's a clue!
727
00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:02,511
We don't get this every day.
It's a clue.
728
00:46:02,511 --> 00:46:04,412
- It's not just a clue.
729
00:46:04,412 --> 00:46:05,881
It's also a warning.
730
00:46:05,881 --> 00:46:07,649
How many pigs are there
supposed to be in the story?
731
00:46:07,649 --> 00:46:09,684
- Three.
- How many aren't here?
732
00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:11,086
- Two.
733
00:46:11,086 --> 00:46:13,588
- Someone who should be
an ally is, in fact--
734
00:46:13,588 --> 00:46:15,023
- Someone with two faces.
735
00:46:15,023 --> 00:46:16,558
- Someone--
- A two-faced pig
736
00:46:16,558 --> 00:46:17,826
is betraying
the other two pigs.
737
00:46:17,826 --> 00:46:19,094
- And a piggy--
where does piggy go?
738
00:46:19,094 --> 00:46:20,629
Where does the piggy go?
- The market.
739
00:46:20,629 --> 00:46:21,763
- Went to the market!
740
00:46:21,763 --> 00:46:24,166
- Guys, what do people call us?
741
00:46:24,166 --> 00:46:25,367
Pigs.
742
00:46:25,367 --> 00:46:27,369
We need to go to the market.
743
00:46:27,369 --> 00:46:30,539
- These little piggies
go to market.
744
00:46:30,539 --> 00:46:32,374
- I cracked it!
I grassed it.
745
00:46:32,374 --> 00:46:33,708
- Fantastic.
746
00:46:33,708 --> 00:46:35,177
You're undercover, we're all--
- Hey, guys?
747
00:46:35,177 --> 00:46:36,511
- Yeah.
- The board works.
748
00:46:36,511 --> 00:46:37,512
- The board did work.
749
00:46:37,512 --> 00:46:39,047
- There it is!
750
00:46:39,047 --> 00:46:41,483
What are you guys doing
messing with my face soup?
751
00:46:41,483 --> 00:46:43,718
I put it outside 'cause
it needs to cook in the sun,
752
00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:44,986
like sun tea.
753
00:46:44,986 --> 00:46:46,354
That's why I left it
in the parking lot.
754
00:46:46,354 --> 00:46:47,956
- So this is not a clue
that we're supposed
755
00:46:47,956 --> 00:46:49,724
to go down to the market?
- No!
756
00:46:49,724 --> 00:46:51,760
White people, always
taking your stuff.
757
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:53,028
- Yes.
- Am I right?
758
00:46:53,028 --> 00:46:54,229
[interposing voices]
- Yes, they do.
759
00:46:54,229 --> 00:46:55,830
Yes, they do.
- Face soup.
760
00:46:55,830 --> 00:46:56,965
- Face soup.
761
00:46:56,965 --> 00:46:58,767
- Face soup.
- You know what?
762
00:46:58,767 --> 00:46:59,968
Now that I think about it,
I've seen your ads
763
00:46:59,968 --> 00:47:01,436
for it on Facebook.
- Yeah.
764
00:47:01,436 --> 00:47:02,671
[sniffs]
765
00:47:02,671 --> 00:47:03,972
- Ooh.
- Just a weird odor.
766
00:47:03,972 --> 00:47:05,740
- I like it.
Oh, I like it.
767
00:47:05,740 --> 00:47:06,775
- Oh, that feels good.
768
00:47:06,775 --> 00:47:08,043
- Ugh!
769
00:47:08,043 --> 00:47:09,411
It's-- it burns the back
of my throat.
770
00:47:09,411 --> 00:47:10,745
My whole mouth is cold.
771
00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:11,913
- I mean, it's got a nose--
there's a little
772
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:13,481
bit of nose in mine.
773
00:47:13,481 --> 00:47:15,450
♪ ♪
774
00:47:15,450 --> 00:47:19,854
- It's another beautiful day
at the Sierra Nugget Mall.
775
00:47:21,256 --> 00:47:22,324
- Thank you, ma'am.
776
00:47:22,324 --> 00:47:23,358
Tell your friends
who have money
777
00:47:23,358 --> 00:47:25,260
to come back and see us.
- Yes.
778
00:47:25,260 --> 00:47:26,728
- Kenny Rogers!
779
00:47:26,728 --> 00:47:27,896
- Kenny Rogers.
- Hello.
780
00:47:27,896 --> 00:47:29,631
Right this way, go ahead.
- Hello.
781
00:47:29,631 --> 00:47:31,132
- Sheriff's Department.
- Hey.
782
00:47:31,132 --> 00:47:32,801
Guess who is back.
- Ugh.
783
00:47:32,801 --> 00:47:33,835
- Ugh, son of a bitch.
784
00:47:33,835 --> 00:47:35,036
- Come on, man.
785
00:47:35,036 --> 00:47:36,538
I saw them. They came through.
786
00:47:36,538 --> 00:47:37,806
- Hola!
787
00:47:37,806 --> 00:47:39,040
- Past the dino, and--
- Donde esta?
788
00:47:39,040 --> 00:47:40,242
- Come out, come out.
Hello.
789
00:47:40,242 --> 00:47:41,876
- Donde esta?
Hello.
790
00:47:41,876 --> 00:47:43,411
- You never know where
she's going to be.
791
00:47:43,411 --> 00:47:44,779
- All right.
- Hello?
792
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:47,582
- Ahh!
[all screaming]
793
00:47:47,582 --> 00:47:48,984
- How y'all doing?
794
00:47:48,984 --> 00:47:50,585
[screaming]
- Nope, nope.
795
00:47:50,585 --> 00:47:51,853
Be a lady.
Come on, now.
796
00:47:51,853 --> 00:47:53,154
- Get away from me, ghost!
797
00:47:53,154 --> 00:47:54,489
- No, no--give me that leg.
798
00:47:54,489 --> 00:47:55,523
- T.T.!
799
00:47:55,523 --> 00:47:57,659
[screaming]
800
00:47:57,659 --> 00:47:58,727
- No, no.
801
00:47:58,727 --> 00:48:00,095
Slow--no running!
802
00:48:00,095 --> 00:48:01,396
- Get over here, T.T.!
803
00:48:01,396 --> 00:48:02,464
Uh-uh. No.
804
00:48:02,464 --> 00:48:03,765
No. No, T.T.
805
00:48:03,765 --> 00:48:04,799
- That's a weapon.
- T.T., stop.
806
00:48:04,799 --> 00:48:06,368
T.T.!
- T.T.
807
00:48:06,368 --> 00:48:07,802
- [screeches]
- Don't let her into that one.
808
00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,371
She's got high ground.
- Ahh!
809
00:48:09,371 --> 00:48:10,572
Ahh! Easy.
810
00:48:10,572 --> 00:48:11,824
No. No. No.
811
00:48:12,624 --> 00:48:13,859
- Father Nicholas has left me
812
00:48:13,859 --> 00:48:15,961
a splendid box
this Christmas morrow,
813
00:48:15,961 --> 00:48:18,797
and inside,
just what I asked for--
814
00:48:18,797 --> 00:48:20,399
a real boy.
815
00:48:20,399 --> 00:48:23,302
[singing to the
"12 Days of Christmas" tune]
816
00:49:19,491 --> 00:49:25,764
♪ Happy holidays ♪
817
00:49:25,764 --> 00:49:30,869
♪ Reno ♪
818
00:49:30,869 --> 00:49:33,739
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
819
00:49:33,739 --> 00:49:37,943
♪ ♪
820
00:49:37,943 --> 00:49:41,947
- I quite frankly think
that Mr. Richnickie
821
00:49:41,947 --> 00:49:44,149
might be making up
the whole ransom note thing,
822
00:49:44,149 --> 00:49:46,184
and someone wanting
to steal a silver nugget.
823
00:49:46,184 --> 00:49:47,486
I do.
824
00:49:47,486 --> 00:49:50,222
And I can't blame him,
because I once sent
825
00:49:50,222 --> 00:49:54,126
ransom notes to my own parents,
826
00:49:54,126 --> 00:49:56,595
pretending like
I had been kidnapped.
827
00:49:56,595 --> 00:50:00,098
And they did not respond.
828
00:50:02,934 --> 00:50:04,870
- You know, I did some
background on Richnickie,
829
00:50:04,870 --> 00:50:06,371
and I don't know
if this is something,
830
00:50:06,371 --> 00:50:07,506
but I think it might be.
831
00:50:07,506 --> 00:50:09,207
20 years ago,
he had a car wash,
832
00:50:09,207 --> 00:50:11,209
and the way he used to get
people to come to the car wash
833
00:50:11,209 --> 00:50:14,680
was he had some
rhodium displayed
834
00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:16,348
in a Plexiglass case.
835
00:50:16,348 --> 00:50:19,117
If you don't know, rhodium
is the most precious metal.
836
00:50:19,117 --> 00:50:21,420
It got stolen as well.
837
00:50:23,155 --> 00:50:24,756
Anything?
838
00:50:24,756 --> 00:50:26,325
- Hi, how are you today?
839
00:50:26,325 --> 00:50:27,592
There you go.
840
00:50:27,592 --> 00:50:28,960
All right.
841
00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:30,162
Now, you're not
going to believe it.
842
00:50:30,162 --> 00:50:31,630
That's the Sierra Nugget.
843
00:50:31,630 --> 00:50:33,098
Can you believe it?
844
00:50:34,666 --> 00:50:36,134
She's my pride and joy,
845
00:50:36,134 --> 00:50:38,270
and she's insured
for a fortune.
846
00:50:38,270 --> 00:50:39,638
Beautiful.
847
00:50:39,638 --> 00:50:42,474
[mysterious music]
[sleigh bells jingling]
848
00:50:42,474 --> 00:50:46,144
♪ ♪
849
00:50:46,144 --> 00:50:49,381
- We have been
in the Christmas pageant
850
00:50:49,381 --> 00:50:52,884
a whole bunch of times,
and it was a'ight.
851
00:50:52,884 --> 00:50:55,220
But now--[laughs]
Get ready for this,
852
00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:57,389
because Dangle came up
with an idea
853
00:50:57,389 --> 00:51:00,392
for us to top
what we did last year.
854
00:51:00,392 --> 00:51:02,961
We got live doves!
855
00:51:02,961 --> 00:51:04,429
- Live doves.
856
00:51:04,429 --> 00:51:08,934
There is a website called
CelebrationDovesOhMyMy.org.
857
00:51:08,934 --> 00:51:11,303
We have, uh,
dove catchers ready to go.
858
00:51:11,303 --> 00:51:12,804
- Yep.
- Dove Station Alpha.
859
00:51:12,804 --> 00:51:13,905
- Doves fly out.
- Check.
860
00:51:13,905 --> 00:51:15,107
- Check. Hey.
861
00:51:15,107 --> 00:51:16,808
Ho ho ho.
- Dove Station Zebra.
862
00:51:16,808 --> 00:51:18,043
Check.
863
00:51:18,043 --> 00:51:20,445
After the Christ child
is born--
864
00:51:20,445 --> 00:51:22,314
I'm the Christ child,
of course--
865
00:51:22,314 --> 00:51:25,317
we will then release the doves.
866
00:51:25,317 --> 00:51:26,585
Get ready.
Right, we all ready?
867
00:51:26,585 --> 00:51:28,754
- Y'all get ready.
868
00:51:28,754 --> 00:51:29,955
- It's got bubble wrap.
869
00:51:29,955 --> 00:51:31,022
- Save the bubble wrap.
870
00:51:31,022 --> 00:51:32,524
I like--I like bubble wrap.
871
00:51:34,393 --> 00:51:35,627
- Huh.
872
00:51:35,627 --> 00:51:38,096
One alive, one frozen alive,
one dozen.
873
00:51:38,096 --> 00:51:41,466
There's lots and lots of them,
and they're very cold.
874
00:51:41,466 --> 00:51:45,003
- It says you have
to reheat the dove.
875
00:51:45,003 --> 00:51:47,038
They came over in
a shipping container, right?
876
00:51:47,038 --> 00:51:48,507
- Oh, that makes sense.
Oh, look at him.
877
00:51:48,507 --> 00:51:49,975
He's walking around,
and then he's flying.
878
00:51:49,975 --> 00:51:51,510
This is not--actually
not that hard.
879
00:51:51,510 --> 00:51:56,314
All we got to do is warm up,
uh, 120 frozen solid doves.
880
00:51:56,314 --> 00:51:57,616
- I'll stick it down my shirt.
881
00:51:57,616 --> 00:51:58,917
That always works on everybody.
- OK.
882
00:51:58,917 --> 00:52:00,118
- I'll try that.
883
00:52:00,118 --> 00:52:03,422
- Once they start waking up,
884
00:52:03,422 --> 00:52:04,756
be ready.
885
00:52:04,756 --> 00:52:07,125
- Jim, I got to say,
I think these are dead.
886
00:52:07,125 --> 00:52:08,226
- They're just flash frozen.
- No.
887
00:52:08,226 --> 00:52:09,661
- Mine is not coming back yet.
888
00:52:09,661 --> 00:52:13,532
- If anything, it's like
it's necrofying my skin.
889
00:52:13,532 --> 00:52:15,200
- Oh, my God.
- I heard this is how
890
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:16,935
the first avian flu started,
by the way.
891
00:52:16,935 --> 00:52:18,570
- That's probably
very, very true.
892
00:52:18,570 --> 00:52:20,105
[hair dryer whirring]
893
00:52:20,105 --> 00:52:22,741
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
894
00:52:22,741 --> 00:52:24,476
- No, no.
895
00:52:24,476 --> 00:52:25,944
- Ooh!
896
00:52:25,944 --> 00:52:27,379
Oh, my gosh.
897
00:52:27,379 --> 00:52:28,914
- Starting to smell
like chicken.
898
00:52:28,914 --> 00:52:30,582
- Any luck?
- No.
899
00:52:30,582 --> 00:52:33,185
- Well, I thought I saw
something move, but--
900
00:52:33,185 --> 00:52:34,786
- I had--I had
a little feeling
901
00:52:34,786 --> 00:52:36,621
on this guy for a minute.
902
00:52:36,621 --> 00:52:38,356
Wait.
903
00:52:38,356 --> 00:52:39,224
No.
904
00:52:39,224 --> 00:52:40,625
So close, so close.
905
00:52:40,625 --> 00:52:41,893
Wait.
906
00:52:42,994 --> 00:52:44,763
Nope. I'll be back.
907
00:52:44,763 --> 00:52:46,698
Keep the faith.
908
00:52:46,698 --> 00:52:49,568
[siren blaring in distance]
909
00:52:51,603 --> 00:52:53,939
- My worst experience
with the Junior Deputies
910
00:52:53,939 --> 00:52:56,308
was when I got taken hostage
by them.
911
00:52:56,308 --> 00:52:58,210
Their demands were they wanted
912
00:52:58,210 --> 00:53:00,612
better living conditions
and food.
913
00:53:00,612 --> 00:53:03,882
I got released once we agreed
to expand their kennels
914
00:53:03,882 --> 00:53:06,017
by 25 square feet
915
00:53:06,017 --> 00:53:08,653
and raised the fill line
on their dishes
916
00:53:08,653 --> 00:53:10,555
by an inch.
917
00:53:10,555 --> 00:53:14,993
- Have a lot of our
adult deputies gotten hurt
918
00:53:14,993 --> 00:53:16,428
by the Junior Deputies?
919
00:53:16,428 --> 00:53:17,863
Of course.
920
00:53:17,863 --> 00:53:20,398
Did Trudy get rabies from
one of the Junior Deputies?
921
00:53:20,398 --> 00:53:21,800
Yes.
922
00:53:21,800 --> 00:53:23,568
These are youngsters, often,
that were maybe left
923
00:53:23,568 --> 00:53:29,140
at the station,
and you can't judge them
924
00:53:29,140 --> 00:53:30,842
the way you would
a normal person.
925
00:53:30,842 --> 00:53:32,944
And we've asked a judge
to do that many times.
926
00:53:32,944 --> 00:53:34,513
And they say, no,
these are children.
927
00:53:34,513 --> 00:53:37,582
[sleigh bells jingling]
[gentle music]
928
00:53:37,582 --> 00:53:41,586
♪ ♪
929
00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:44,289
- Aaand away we go!
930
00:53:44,289 --> 00:53:46,258
Hi, Junior Deputies.
931
00:53:46,258 --> 00:53:49,761
My name is Deputy Trudy Wiegel,
932
00:53:49,761 --> 00:53:55,066
and I am going to take you
on this magical sleigh ride
933
00:53:55,066 --> 00:53:59,337
to see a wowser
of a holiday pageant.
934
00:53:59,337 --> 00:54:01,373
Which was written by my friend
935
00:54:01,373 --> 00:54:05,744
and sometimes lover,
Jim Dangle.
936
00:54:05,744 --> 00:54:07,045
- Sir, I'm gonna--
937
00:54:07,045 --> 00:54:09,047
I'm gonna need
to have you sit down.
938
00:54:09,047 --> 00:54:11,449
- Um, OK.
939
00:54:11,449 --> 00:54:14,986
It's ma'am, but obviously
that's apparent.
940
00:54:14,986 --> 00:54:17,188
- We stay in our seats
because this
941
00:54:17,188 --> 00:54:20,058
is the safest bus in the West.
942
00:54:20,058 --> 00:54:24,129
When I say safest bus,
you say the--
943
00:54:25,664 --> 00:54:27,065
[grunts] Did some--
944
00:54:27,065 --> 00:54:28,800
did somebody bring nuts
on this bus?
945
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:30,201
[crunching]
946
00:54:30,201 --> 00:54:33,438
This is a nut-free z--zone.
947
00:54:33,438 --> 00:54:34,639
Ahh!
948
00:54:34,639 --> 00:54:36,341
- You're a nut-free zone,
right?
949
00:54:36,341 --> 00:54:38,476
[brakes squeal]
What the hell?
950
00:54:38,476 --> 00:54:40,879
- [gasping]
951
00:54:40,879 --> 00:54:43,181
I'm deathly a--
952
00:54:43,181 --> 00:54:46,851
allergic to n--nuts!
953
00:54:46,851 --> 00:54:48,153
- She's very dramatic.
954
00:54:48,153 --> 00:54:49,220
[blood splatters]
[truck horn honks]
955
00:54:49,220 --> 00:54:50,488
[all gasp]
Holy shit!
956
00:54:53,658 --> 00:54:55,460
Are you OK?
957
00:54:55,460 --> 00:54:58,129
Oh, my God, that's so gross.
958
00:54:58,129 --> 00:55:01,099
[traffic whooshing]
[cars honking]
959
00:55:03,001 --> 00:55:04,369
[squelching]
960
00:55:04,369 --> 00:55:05,503
Ahh!
961
00:55:05,503 --> 00:55:07,872
Ahh! Ahh!
962
00:55:07,872 --> 00:55:11,142
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
963
00:55:11,142 --> 00:55:13,812
♪ ♪
964
00:55:13,812 --> 00:55:16,681
- [vocalizing reveille]
965
00:55:16,681 --> 00:55:18,116
♪ ♪
966
00:55:18,116 --> 00:55:20,986
[indistinct radio chatter]
967
00:55:20,986 --> 00:55:23,188
- Declan's got an idea.
968
00:55:23,188 --> 00:55:25,023
- We're going to try
tasing the dead dove.
969
00:55:25,023 --> 00:55:26,825
I'm only doing this
because I wanted to get out
970
00:55:26,825 --> 00:55:28,326
of the briefing room,
where everybody
971
00:55:28,326 --> 00:55:30,228
has a dove in their crotch.
972
00:55:30,228 --> 00:55:32,097
[breathes deeply]
973
00:55:33,598 --> 00:55:35,233
Really?
974
00:55:35,233 --> 00:55:37,068
- Is it stuck?
975
00:55:37,068 --> 00:55:38,737
- No.
976
00:55:38,737 --> 00:55:40,305
- I can help you with
that later, if you like.
977
00:55:40,305 --> 00:55:41,606
- I'm good.
978
00:55:41,606 --> 00:55:43,241
[taser clicking]
979
00:55:46,645 --> 00:55:48,380
- Ta-dah!
980
00:55:48,380 --> 00:55:50,715
- So we went
in the evidence room
981
00:55:50,715 --> 00:55:54,119
and got a little bit
of the white lady.
982
00:55:54,119 --> 00:55:56,788
- A little bit of, uh, yo-yo.
983
00:55:56,788 --> 00:55:59,491
- A little bit
of the white horse.
984
00:55:59,491 --> 00:56:01,960
- A little bit of that,
uh, Bea Arthur.
985
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:03,161
[both chuckle]
986
00:56:03,161 --> 00:56:04,429
- Cocaine, if y'all don't know.
987
00:56:04,429 --> 00:56:05,597
We--we got some cocaine.
988
00:56:05,597 --> 00:56:07,666
- Uh, Cloris Leachman.
[laughs]
989
00:56:07,666 --> 00:56:09,134
- OK, OK.
990
00:56:09,134 --> 00:56:10,402
- Is that the nose?
991
00:56:10,402 --> 00:56:12,771
Here you go, little birdie.
992
00:56:12,771 --> 00:56:14,239
[humming]
993
00:56:14,239 --> 00:56:15,874
- OK, now, let me
make him snort it.
994
00:56:15,874 --> 00:56:17,609
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
995
00:56:19,044 --> 00:56:20,378
Oh!
996
00:56:25,517 --> 00:56:27,419
- Heard you guys gave
c--cocaine to the--
997
00:56:27,419 --> 00:56:29,487
- Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
998
00:56:29,487 --> 00:56:31,022
This guy's coming along.
This guy's coming pretty good.
999
00:56:31,022 --> 00:56:32,090
- Is it happening?
1000
00:56:32,090 --> 00:56:33,425
- I think so, yeah.
1001
00:56:33,425 --> 00:56:35,393
- Jim, you want a little?
- I would. I would.
1002
00:56:35,393 --> 00:56:36,628
Are we talking about that,
or are we just doing it?
1003
00:56:36,628 --> 00:56:37,529
- Yeah. Yeah.
1004
00:56:37,529 --> 00:56:39,664
- [sniffs]
- Mm-hmm.
1005
00:56:39,664 --> 00:56:41,332
- - I think that helped.
I think that did help.
1006
00:56:41,332 --> 00:56:42,600
Oh, that definitely helped.
1007
00:56:42,600 --> 00:56:44,302
- You or the dove?
- Everybody.
1008
00:56:44,302 --> 00:56:45,837
Everybody. Everybody.
1009
00:56:45,837 --> 00:56:47,572
- A little of that
Barbara Bush.
1010
00:56:47,572 --> 00:56:48,540
[chuckles]
1011
00:56:48,540 --> 00:56:49,874
- Let it go.
- Yeah.
1012
00:56:49,874 --> 00:56:52,977
[sleigh bells jingling]
["Ode to Joy"]
1013
00:56:52,977 --> 00:56:54,512
♪ ♪
1014
00:57:02,988 --> 00:57:04,122
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
1015
00:57:04,122 --> 00:57:05,223
♪ They came up to your knee ♪
1016
00:57:05,223 --> 00:57:06,291
♪ But how'd they turn out? ♪
1017
00:57:06,291 --> 00:57:08,493
♪ Take a look-y and see ♪
1018
00:57:08,493 --> 00:57:10,062
- Hey.
1019
00:57:10,062 --> 00:57:11,930
If you've got some loose
pocket change this holiday,
1020
00:57:11,930 --> 00:57:14,866
see how much change you can
really make by helping out
1021
00:57:14,866 --> 00:57:16,601
the Junior Deputies program
1022
00:57:16,601 --> 00:57:18,203
at the Reno
Sheriff's Department.
1023
00:57:18,203 --> 00:57:20,205
Like my little friend
Benjamin here,
1024
00:57:20,205 --> 00:57:23,642
who grew up right inside
the Reno Sheriff's Department.
1025
00:57:23,642 --> 00:57:26,344
Say hi to my little friend
Belphegor,
1026
00:57:26,344 --> 00:57:28,613
Demon God of Sloth.
1027
00:57:28,613 --> 00:57:30,315
- Hi. Yeah.
1028
00:57:31,683 --> 00:57:33,785
- Belphegor,
Demon God of Sloth spent
1029
00:57:33,785 --> 00:57:36,054
17 Christmases in a row
with us,
1030
00:57:36,054 --> 00:57:40,092
and thanks to your donations,
he's...
1031
00:57:40,092 --> 00:57:41,359
totally fine.
1032
00:57:41,359 --> 00:57:43,795
- I am also hell's ambassador
to France,
1033
00:57:43,795 --> 00:57:46,098
as described
by the poet Milton.
1034
00:57:46,098 --> 00:57:47,399
In my spare time,
1035
00:57:47,399 --> 00:57:49,134
I am the tempter
of witch hunters
1036
00:57:49,134 --> 00:57:51,803
with the promise of riches
and great discoveries
1037
00:57:51,803 --> 00:57:53,472
that will slip through
your fingers.
1038
00:57:53,472 --> 00:57:55,907
- And he touches everyone's
leftovers in the fridge
1039
00:57:55,907 --> 00:57:57,976
to gain power over them.
- Touché.
1040
00:57:57,976 --> 00:58:00,412
The hand of Belphegor
knows thy dirty deeds.
1041
00:58:00,412 --> 00:58:02,581
[speaking Latin]
1042
00:58:02,581 --> 00:58:03,949
[chuckles]
1043
00:58:03,949 --> 00:58:05,217
- Great.
1044
00:58:05,217 --> 00:58:06,952
- Mortals, won't you put
a little Christmas cheer
1045
00:58:06,952 --> 00:58:08,620
under the tree
for the boys and girls
1046
00:58:08,620 --> 00:58:10,255
of the Reno Junior Deputies?
1047
00:58:10,255 --> 00:58:12,991
Just pennies a day could
take an unwanted basket case
1048
00:58:12,991 --> 00:58:14,793
and turn them into me
1049
00:58:14,793 --> 00:58:17,295
or my fetching bride,
Freckles.
1050
00:58:17,295 --> 00:58:19,831
- [demonic growling]
1051
00:58:20,799 --> 00:58:23,101
Hail the Dark Lord.
1052
00:58:24,836 --> 00:58:26,438
- Truly amazing mom.
1053
00:58:26,438 --> 00:58:27,906
- ♪ Oh, the little
Junior Deputies ♪
1054
00:58:27,906 --> 00:58:29,274
♪ Were only just cubs ♪
1055
00:58:29,274 --> 00:58:30,942
♪ But now they're men
and women ♪
1056
00:58:30,942 --> 00:58:32,444
♪ Kind of like us ♪
1057
00:58:32,444 --> 00:58:35,547
[sleigh bells jingling]
["upbeat music"]
1058
00:58:35,547 --> 00:58:38,783
♪ ♪
1059
00:58:40,118 --> 00:58:42,287
- Well, the state of Nevada
is getting sued
1060
00:58:42,287 --> 00:58:44,923
because do-gooders
like these ones over here
1061
00:58:44,923 --> 00:58:47,225
have been wishing people
Merry Christmas
1062
00:58:47,225 --> 00:58:48,560
on state property.
1063
00:58:48,560 --> 00:58:49,895
You can't do that anymore.
1064
00:58:49,895 --> 00:58:52,164
- That is a clear violation
of the separation
1065
00:58:52,164 --> 00:58:54,266
of church and state,
so we go over there,
1066
00:58:54,266 --> 00:58:55,800
get them
to say Merry Christmas,
1067
00:58:55,800 --> 00:58:57,002
and we take them in.
1068
00:58:57,002 --> 00:58:58,637
- Check, check, check, check.
1069
00:58:58,637 --> 00:59:00,572
Ow!
1070
00:59:00,572 --> 00:59:02,440
Godspeed, you--shit!
1071
00:59:02,440 --> 00:59:03,909
- Unbelievable. Really.
1072
00:59:03,909 --> 00:59:05,277
- Break a leg.
1073
00:59:05,277 --> 00:59:06,645
- I've got a good backstory
for us.
1074
00:59:06,645 --> 00:59:07,913
- All right. Oh.
1075
00:59:07,913 --> 00:59:09,481
- Hello.
- Hello.
1076
00:59:09,481 --> 00:59:10,782
- Hi. Happy holidays.
1077
00:59:10,782 --> 00:59:11,850
- How you doing?
- Happy holidays.
1078
00:59:11,850 --> 00:59:13,018
- And also with you.
1079
00:59:13,018 --> 00:59:14,219
- Thank you so much.
1080
00:59:14,219 --> 00:59:16,121
- This is my second
husband, Jules.
1081
00:59:16,121 --> 00:59:17,956
We were having
an emotional affair,
1082
00:59:17,956 --> 00:59:20,225
and when we decided
to take it physical,
1083
00:59:20,225 --> 00:59:22,961
I asked my first husband
for a divorce.
1084
00:59:22,961 --> 00:59:25,030
And now we're very happy.
1085
00:59:25,997 --> 00:59:27,199
- Yep.
- Yeah.
1086
00:59:27,199 --> 00:59:29,234
- Due to
our Episcopalian faith,
1087
00:59:29,234 --> 00:59:30,835
we come in at this time
of year
1088
00:59:30,835 --> 00:59:32,771
to spend this special day
with our kids.
1089
00:59:32,771 --> 00:59:34,339
- Right. Specifically the 25th.
1090
00:59:34,339 --> 00:59:35,840
- The celebration.
- Yeah.
1091
00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:37,742
- Sure.
- So close to winter solstice.
1092
00:59:37,742 --> 00:59:39,077
- Yes.
- Right.
1093
00:59:39,077 --> 00:59:41,646
I'll come downstairs
dressed up
1094
00:59:41,646 --> 00:59:43,048
like Santa Claus.
- Yes.
1095
00:59:43,048 --> 00:59:45,884
- And I say, ho, ho, ho!
1096
00:59:45,884 --> 00:59:48,553
both: Happy holidays!
1097
00:59:48,553 --> 00:59:50,121
- No.
- Thank you so much.
1098
00:59:50,121 --> 00:59:51,423
- Thank you. Thank you.
1099
00:59:51,423 --> 00:59:52,657
Happy holidays.
1100
00:59:52,657 --> 00:59:54,759
- Oh, greetings to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
1101
00:59:54,759 --> 00:59:56,228
This would mean so much to us.
1102
00:59:56,228 --> 00:59:57,896
We both have
early-onset Alzheimer's,
1103
00:59:57,896 --> 00:59:59,998
and it can be very upsetting
1104
00:59:59,998 --> 01:00:01,032
when we can't come up
with something
1105
01:00:01,032 --> 01:00:03,068
that's so, so obvious.
1106
01:00:03,068 --> 01:00:04,669
- I'll try.
- Here we go.
1107
01:00:04,669 --> 01:00:06,304
- ♪ We wish you a-- ♪
1108
01:00:06,304 --> 01:00:08,373
- ♪ Da-da-dup-bop ♪
What is it? What is it?
1109
01:00:08,373 --> 01:00:09,975
both: [vocalizing "We Wish
You a Merry Christmas"]
1110
01:00:09,975 --> 01:00:11,376
- No, no, no.
But what is it?
1111
01:00:11,376 --> 01:00:13,078
What are the words?
- Yeah, what are the words?
1112
01:00:13,078 --> 01:00:14,379
- Oh, my gosh,
I'm so bad with this.
1113
01:00:14,379 --> 01:00:15,880
Because I actually have
dyslexia,
1114
01:00:15,880 --> 01:00:17,215
but for song lyrics.
1115
01:00:17,215 --> 01:00:18,149
So I can't.
1116
01:00:18,149 --> 01:00:19,517
- Yeah, I prefer to karaoke.
1117
01:00:19,517 --> 01:00:20,752
I'm the same way.
- Yeah.
1118
01:00:20,752 --> 01:00:22,420
Thank you.
Happy fourth quarter.
1119
01:00:22,420 --> 01:00:23,455
- Season's greetings.
1120
01:00:23,455 --> 01:00:24,522
- Fourth quarter?
1121
01:00:24,522 --> 01:00:25,790
- Happy holidays.
1122
01:00:25,790 --> 01:00:27,025
What else could
you say right now?
1123
01:00:27,025 --> 01:00:29,327
- Hmm.
- Uh...
1124
01:00:29,327 --> 01:00:30,528
- Um...
1125
01:00:30,528 --> 01:00:32,130
- Would wish someone.
1126
01:00:32,130 --> 01:00:33,632
- I think I know where
you're going with this.
1127
01:00:33,632 --> 01:00:34,866
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
1128
01:00:34,866 --> 01:00:36,301
Uh-huh.
- And I don't know--
1129
01:00:36,301 --> 01:00:39,137
are you talking about the
anniversary of the execution
1130
01:00:39,137 --> 01:00:42,207
of Romanian dictator
Nicolas Ceausescu?
1131
01:00:42,207 --> 01:00:43,742
In 1989...
- Did this happen?
1132
01:00:43,742 --> 01:00:44,876
- During
the Romanian Revolution,
1133
01:00:44,876 --> 01:00:46,211
on December 25?
- You know what?
1134
01:00:46,211 --> 01:00:47,879
I think you two are blameless.
1135
01:00:47,879 --> 01:00:50,048
I'm sorry for taking
up your time, ma'am.
1136
01:00:50,048 --> 01:00:51,049
You're doing good work.
1137
01:00:51,049 --> 01:00:52,317
- Hey! What did you just say?
1138
01:00:52,317 --> 01:00:53,785
- Sorry for taking
up your time, ma'am.
1139
01:00:53,785 --> 01:00:56,454
- You just gendered me on
state property, motherfucker.
1140
01:00:56,454 --> 01:00:57,522
I'm a they!
1141
01:00:57,522 --> 01:00:58,990
- ACLU.
1142
01:00:58,990 --> 01:00:59,991
Put your hands
behind your back.
1143
01:00:59,991 --> 01:01:00,959
- OK. Wait a minute.
Hold on.
1144
01:01:00,959 --> 01:01:02,193
- Oh, come on. Hey. Hey.
1145
01:01:02,193 --> 01:01:03,528
- Put your hands
behind your back.
1146
01:01:03,528 --> 01:01:04,863
- In his defense,
he is very old.
1147
01:01:04,863 --> 01:01:06,765
I, for one,
am happy to be gendered.
1148
01:01:06,765 --> 01:01:07,999
I am a lady.
1149
01:01:07,999 --> 01:01:10,035
- And I'm a big
swinging dick man.
1150
01:01:10,035 --> 01:01:11,202
[cars honking]
1151
01:01:11,202 --> 01:01:12,270
- Everything's gonna be OK.
1152
01:01:12,270 --> 01:01:13,605
One, two, three, eyes on me.
1153
01:01:13,605 --> 01:01:15,407
One, two, three, eyes on me.
Look at me!
1154
01:01:15,407 --> 01:01:16,908
Look at me! OK.
1155
01:01:16,908 --> 01:01:18,076
Do not freak out!
1156
01:01:18,076 --> 01:01:19,644
Do not freak out on me!
1157
01:01:19,644 --> 01:01:21,079
Everything is going to be fine!
1158
01:01:21,079 --> 01:01:22,614
Things could be worse.
1159
01:01:22,614 --> 01:01:24,916
Have you ever heard of 'Nam?
1160
01:01:24,916 --> 01:01:26,751
I'm not sure what it is.
1161
01:01:26,751 --> 01:01:28,420
But I do know that
a lot of old men
1162
01:01:28,420 --> 01:01:30,889
are real pissed about it,
so it's like that.
1163
01:01:30,889 --> 01:01:32,657
We're going to keep
our shit together,
1164
01:01:32,657 --> 01:01:33,992
and we're not gonna--
see!
1165
01:01:33,992 --> 01:01:36,194
- Hello, children. Sir.
1166
01:01:36,194 --> 01:01:38,930
Look, we are so sorry that
you guys had to witness
1167
01:01:38,930 --> 01:01:42,067
that lady get run over
next to the bus.
1168
01:01:42,067 --> 01:01:44,569
She had an allergic reaction
to some chestnuts,
1169
01:01:44,569 --> 01:01:45,670
and she panicked.
1170
01:01:45,670 --> 01:01:46,705
- Super weird.
1171
01:01:46,705 --> 01:01:48,139
- And the other motorist--
1172
01:01:48,139 --> 01:01:51,276
also dead from the shock
of splattering that lady.
1173
01:01:51,276 --> 01:01:53,445
Don't let them look outside.
It's bad.
1174
01:01:53,445 --> 01:01:55,080
You got to keep them calm.
Keep them calm.
1175
01:01:55,080 --> 01:01:56,815
- [gasping]
- We got vultures.
1176
01:01:56,815 --> 01:01:58,016
Vultures.
[vultures screeching]
1177
01:01:58,016 --> 01:01:59,284
Code V. Code V. Keep them calm!
1178
01:01:59,284 --> 01:02:00,618
- Look at me!
Look at me!
1179
01:02:00,618 --> 01:02:01,786
One, two, three, eyes on me.
1180
01:02:01,786 --> 01:02:03,488
One, two, three.
They're just birds!
1181
01:02:03,488 --> 01:02:04,756
Everybody loves birds.
1182
01:02:04,756 --> 01:02:06,224
Merry Christmas!
1183
01:02:06,224 --> 01:02:07,158
Merry Christmas!
- Hold your attack!
1184
01:02:07,158 --> 01:02:08,193
- There's fucking birds.
1185
01:02:08,193 --> 01:02:09,494
Do not look out the window!
1186
01:02:09,494 --> 01:02:10,462
Oh, look what I have!
1187
01:02:10,462 --> 01:02:11,730
Look, look, look!
1188
01:02:11,730 --> 01:02:13,398
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
1189
01:02:13,398 --> 01:02:15,100
♪ On the Feast of Stephen ♪
- Oh, my God!
1190
01:02:15,100 --> 01:02:16,534
There's so much blood!
- Guys! Guys! Guys!
1191
01:02:16,534 --> 01:02:18,236
You're acting like
you've never seen birds before!
1192
01:02:18,236 --> 01:02:19,771
- Why are there so many?
1193
01:02:19,771 --> 01:02:23,675
- No one else will die today
'cause Jesus said it's so.
1194
01:02:23,675 --> 01:02:27,178
No one else will die
on my watch today!
1195
01:02:27,178 --> 01:02:28,847
- Oh, no. No. No, no.
1196
01:02:28,847 --> 01:02:30,081
Stay away from the bus driver.
1197
01:02:30,081 --> 01:02:31,249
Stay away from the bus driver!
1198
01:02:31,249 --> 01:02:33,251
- Oh, my God,
they're eating her face!
1199
01:02:33,251 --> 01:02:36,121
[sleigh bells jingling]
[mellow music]
1200
01:02:36,121 --> 01:02:41,893
♪ ♪
1201
01:02:41,893 --> 01:02:45,163
[indistinct radio chatter]
1202
01:02:45,163 --> 01:02:47,298
[microwave beeping]
[dove squelches]
1203
01:02:54,072 --> 01:02:56,341
- We have another microwave,
actually.
1204
01:02:56,341 --> 01:02:59,077
- You guys don't have to use
popcorn mode for everything.
1205
01:02:59,077 --> 01:03:00,745
- Ah, yes.
- OK?
1206
01:03:00,745 --> 01:03:02,981
Defrost, 50% power.
1207
01:03:02,981 --> 01:03:05,483
That's the secret.
- 50%.
1208
01:03:05,483 --> 01:03:06,618
- Three...
1209
01:03:06,618 --> 01:03:08,219
all: Two, one.
1210
01:03:08,219 --> 01:03:10,221
[microwave beeping]
1211
01:03:11,656 --> 01:03:13,124
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
1212
01:03:13,124 --> 01:03:14,559
[cheering]
1213
01:03:14,559 --> 01:03:16,027
- Oh, my gosh!
1214
01:03:16,027 --> 01:03:17,862
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.
1215
01:03:17,862 --> 01:03:19,431
- It's a Christmas miracle!
1216
01:03:19,431 --> 01:03:22,367
- We have 106 left to do, then.
1217
01:03:22,367 --> 01:03:23,935
- Yeah.
- We need more microwave.
1218
01:03:23,935 --> 01:03:25,036
- Yeah.
1219
01:03:25,036 --> 01:03:26,204
- Great idea.
[dove coos]
1220
01:03:26,204 --> 01:03:28,139
[cars honking]
1221
01:03:28,139 --> 01:03:29,641
[crashing, shattering]
- Oh!
1222
01:03:29,641 --> 01:03:32,811
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
1223
01:03:32,811 --> 01:03:34,779
- He's OK. He's OK.
1224
01:03:34,779 --> 01:03:35,814
See, he's OK!
1225
01:03:35,814 --> 01:03:37,015
[horn honking]
1226
01:03:37,015 --> 01:03:38,049
Everything's OK.
[cars crashing]
1227
01:03:38,049 --> 01:03:39,717
- Oh, my God.
1228
01:03:39,717 --> 01:03:40,718
Oh, my God.
1229
01:03:40,718 --> 01:03:43,655
[all screaming]
1230
01:03:48,893 --> 01:03:50,762
- OK. Children, children.
1231
01:03:50,762 --> 01:03:52,730
This is just the cycle
of life, all right?
1232
01:03:52,730 --> 01:03:54,799
The vultures are just
doing their job
1233
01:03:54,799 --> 01:03:55,834
eating those entrails.
1234
01:03:55,834 --> 01:03:56,968
- Yeah.
- All right?
1235
01:03:56,968 --> 01:03:58,102
I strangled a bunch of them,
1236
01:03:58,102 --> 01:03:59,204
and I think I got the alpha.
1237
01:03:59,204 --> 01:04:00,472
So we're going to be OK.
1238
01:04:00,472 --> 01:04:01,840
The alpha's dead,
and we should--
1239
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:02,907
[vulture screeches]
1240
01:04:02,907 --> 01:04:04,175
OK. Alpha's still alive.
1241
01:04:04,175 --> 01:04:06,878
Alpha's still in play!
1242
01:04:05,276 --> 01:04:06,878
Alpha's still in play!
1243
01:04:06,878 --> 01:04:08,246
- We're not gonna get off
the bus,
1244
01:04:08,246 --> 01:04:10,482
'cause we don't want the alpha
to kill us, OK?
1245
01:04:10,482 --> 01:04:11,950
[car horn honks]
- Good, children!
1246
01:04:11,950 --> 01:04:13,585
Children! I've got the alpha!
1247
01:04:13,585 --> 01:04:15,420
[yelling]
[vulture screeches]
1248
01:04:15,420 --> 01:04:16,721
- Ahh!
- Keep your eyes away!
1249
01:04:16,721 --> 01:04:17,689
I think I got him!
1250
01:04:17,689 --> 01:04:18,756
I got him!
1251
01:04:19,858 --> 01:04:21,893
This is part of nature!
1252
01:04:21,893 --> 01:04:23,962
[grunting]
[upbeat music]
1253
01:04:23,962 --> 01:04:27,065
["Joy to the World" playing
over mall speakers]
1254
01:04:27,065 --> 01:04:30,134
- Jim Dangle's Christmas
pageant script.
1255
01:04:30,134 --> 01:04:35,707
Um, 190 pages.
1256
01:04:35,707 --> 01:04:37,942
But I got to give it to him,
three or four of those pages
1257
01:04:37,942 --> 01:04:39,077
are really, really good.
1258
01:04:39,077 --> 01:04:40,745
Solid.
1259
01:04:40,745 --> 01:04:42,146
Sondheim level.
1260
01:04:42,146 --> 01:04:45,250
- [screams]
1261
01:04:45,250 --> 01:04:48,052
- Ho, ho, ho!
1262
01:04:49,254 --> 01:04:52,457
Someone order one
Christmas miracle,
1263
01:04:52,457 --> 01:04:55,326
shipping and handling included?
[chuckles]
1264
01:04:55,326 --> 01:04:56,761
- I was so scared!
1265
01:04:56,761 --> 01:04:58,096
- Of course you were.
1266
01:04:58,096 --> 01:05:00,064
I had a stroke of genius,
1267
01:05:00,064 --> 01:05:02,000
which I very seldom do.
1268
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:05,336
These bandits could never get
to your semi-precious nugget
1269
01:05:05,336 --> 01:05:08,072
if it's playing a "star"
1270
01:05:08,072 --> 01:05:10,875
--ing role in the pageant.
1271
01:05:10,875 --> 01:05:11,910
- Did it get Jesus?
1272
01:05:11,910 --> 01:05:13,344
Did my nugget get Jesus?
1273
01:05:13,344 --> 01:05:14,679
- I'm obviously playing Jesus.
1274
01:05:14,679 --> 01:05:16,748
Your nugget--
- Is playing--
1275
01:05:16,748 --> 01:05:18,016
- A star--
1276
01:05:18,016 --> 01:05:19,183
- The Wise Men--
- --ing role.
1277
01:05:19,183 --> 01:05:20,652
- All three Wise Men.
1278
01:05:20,652 --> 01:05:22,687
- No, that's--the
1279
01:05:22,687 --> 01:05:24,589
- The myrrh?
1280
01:05:24,589 --> 01:05:29,027
- Mr. Richnickie,
your semi-precious nugget
1281
01:05:29,027 --> 01:05:30,995
will be playing...
1282
01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:33,298
the Star of Bethlehem.
1283
01:05:33,298 --> 01:05:34,966
It's going to be right there...
- Mm.
1284
01:05:34,966 --> 01:05:37,702
- Underneath the entire
Reno Sheriff's Department
1285
01:05:37,702 --> 01:05:40,572
as we do our pageant,
safe as houses.
1286
01:05:40,572 --> 01:05:43,341
And as soon as it's midnight,
you're in the clear.
1287
01:05:43,341 --> 01:05:45,543
- Oh!
[both laugh]
1288
01:05:45,543 --> 01:05:47,211
It's hidden in plain sight.
1289
01:05:47,211 --> 01:05:50,348
[dramatic music]
1290
01:07:46,014 --> 01:07:49,083
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
1291
01:07:49,083 --> 01:07:51,319
♪ ♪
1292
01:07:51,319 --> 01:07:53,288
[helicopter whirring]
1293
01:07:53,288 --> 01:07:55,556
[traffic honking]
1294
01:07:55,556 --> 01:07:57,392
- Never get off the bus.
1295
01:07:57,392 --> 01:07:58,760
Never get--
1296
01:07:58,760 --> 01:08:00,762
- Oh, my God,
I have to talk to children?
1297
01:08:00,762 --> 01:08:02,463
- [whimpers]
- OK. OK.
1298
01:08:02,463 --> 01:08:04,165
OK. Hi.
1299
01:08:04,165 --> 01:08:05,933
Hi. I got this.
1300
01:08:05,933 --> 01:08:07,235
[chuckles]
1301
01:08:07,235 --> 01:08:08,836
Hello, children.
1302
01:08:08,836 --> 01:08:10,772
Two cars just collided, and--
1303
01:08:10,772 --> 01:08:12,507
I'm so sorry,
I can't lie to children.
1304
01:08:12,507 --> 01:08:14,409
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- OK, I got this.
1305
01:08:14,409 --> 01:08:18,479
A car collided with a trailer
full of petting zoo animals!
1306
01:08:18,479 --> 01:08:20,381
- Aw!
- [chuckles]
1307
01:08:20,381 --> 01:08:21,582
- Aw!
- But--but--but
1308
01:08:21,582 --> 01:08:23,217
the good news--
good news is the--
1309
01:08:23,217 --> 01:08:26,287
the screams you hear
are not human.
1310
01:08:26,287 --> 01:08:27,889
[high-pitched screaming]
1311
01:08:27,889 --> 01:08:31,125
They're the screams
of miniature horses.
1312
01:08:31,125 --> 01:08:34,128
They weren't adult horses, so--
- [chuckles]
1313
01:08:34,128 --> 01:08:36,564
Could have been worse, see?
Could've been worse.
1314
01:08:36,564 --> 01:08:39,200
- Oh, God, the horror!
1315
01:08:39,200 --> 01:08:40,968
Also, it's electrified
out there.
1316
01:08:40,968 --> 01:08:42,837
The helicopter cut
some power lines.
1317
01:08:42,837 --> 01:08:45,973
So be careful, unless you
have some rubber-soled shoes.
1318
01:08:45,973 --> 01:08:46,941
- Sure.
1319
01:08:46,941 --> 01:08:48,209
- Oh, no!
1320
01:08:48,209 --> 01:08:49,844
I hate this job!
1321
01:08:49,844 --> 01:08:51,913
- Also could be very slippery.
1322
01:08:51,913 --> 01:08:56,718
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny Rogers!
1323
01:08:56,718 --> 01:08:58,653
- Kenny Rogers.
- Kenny--uh-oh!
1324
01:08:58,653 --> 01:09:00,021
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
1325
01:09:00,021 --> 01:09:03,991
- Born 21 August, 1938,
Kenneth Donald Rogers,
1326
01:09:03,991 --> 01:09:06,027
known to his family
as Kenny Ray--
1327
01:09:06,027 --> 01:09:07,328
- Follow me, sir.
1328
01:09:07,328 --> 01:09:09,163
- [bleats]
1329
01:09:09,163 --> 01:09:10,398
Come on, Frank.
1330
01:09:10,398 --> 01:09:11,766
[bleating dramatically]
1331
01:09:11,766 --> 01:09:12,834
That's better.
1332
01:09:12,834 --> 01:09:14,202
- We're naked for 36 pages
1333
01:09:14,202 --> 01:09:15,570
at the end of this thing.
1334
01:09:15,570 --> 01:09:17,205
You know, Jim's got himself
a pump back there.
1335
01:09:17,205 --> 01:09:18,473
- Yeah, he loves that.
1336
01:09:18,473 --> 01:09:19,941
- Yeah, he fluffs himself
up for it,
1337
01:09:19,941 --> 01:09:21,676
and we've got to go out there
just with what we got.
1338
01:09:21,676 --> 01:09:23,177
I don't wanna do this.
1339
01:09:23,177 --> 01:09:26,314
- Full disclosure,
this does cost $38.
1340
01:09:26,314 --> 01:09:31,886
- But behold,
I seek only [mumbles].
1341
01:09:31,886 --> 01:09:34,689
For it is a young--young child.
1342
01:09:34,689 --> 01:09:36,391
[PA beeps]
- Did you have a busy day?
1343
01:09:36,391 --> 01:09:38,793
Are you behind on
your holiday shopping?
1344
01:09:38,793 --> 01:09:40,161
Don't worry.
1345
01:09:40,161 --> 01:09:42,063
The Sierra Nugget Mall
is now open
1346
01:09:42,063 --> 01:09:43,898
from 8:00 a.m.
to 10:00 p.m. daily
1347
01:09:43,898 --> 01:09:45,466
for your
holiday shopping needs.
1348
01:09:45,466 --> 01:09:47,335
- Places! Rehearsal's on.
1349
01:09:47,335 --> 01:09:49,303
Places for dress rehearsal,
everybody.
1350
01:09:49,303 --> 01:09:50,471
Places.
1351
01:09:50,471 --> 01:09:51,739
Places for dress.
- Fuck yeah.
1352
01:09:51,739 --> 01:09:53,408
Let's fucking do this shit.
1353
01:09:53,408 --> 01:09:56,411
[dramatic music]
1354
01:09:56,411 --> 01:09:59,414
♪ ♪
1355
01:09:59,414 --> 01:10:00,748
- Places!
1356
01:10:00,748 --> 01:10:01,816
- We're here, Jim.
1357
01:10:01,816 --> 01:10:03,017
- OK. So we're--
1358
01:10:03,017 --> 01:10:04,452
the orphans aren't in yet.
1359
01:10:04,452 --> 01:10:05,553
Lights are out, lights are out.
1360
01:10:05,553 --> 01:10:06,621
Smoke and mystery.
1361
01:10:06,621 --> 01:10:10,625
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
1362
01:10:10,625 --> 01:10:13,561
[dramatic electric guitar
playing]
1363
01:10:13,561 --> 01:10:18,332
♪ ♪
1364
01:10:18,332 --> 01:10:22,703
♪ Oh, this child born tonight
gonna freak us with his light ♪
1365
01:10:22,703 --> 01:10:26,707
♪ Gonna set the world to right
with his holy, holy groove ♪
1366
01:10:26,707 --> 01:10:30,645
♪ And the people start to move
as their bodies feel the news ♪
1367
01:10:30,645 --> 01:10:35,082
♪ That this little naked man
is the king of all the Jews ♪
1368
01:10:35,082 --> 01:10:36,617
Oh!
1369
01:10:36,617 --> 01:10:43,057
♪ Jesus Christ, guys ♪
1370
01:10:43,057 --> 01:10:44,525
all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
1371
01:10:44,525 --> 01:10:45,760
♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪
1372
01:10:45,760 --> 01:10:47,028
- That's it.
1373
01:10:47,028 --> 01:10:48,429
all: ♪ Oh, freaky,
freaky, freak ♪
1374
01:10:48,429 --> 01:10:50,198
♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪
1375
01:10:50,198 --> 01:10:51,632
- That's it, now.
1376
01:10:51,632 --> 01:10:53,000
all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
- That's it.
1377
01:10:53,000 --> 01:10:54,735
all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪
- Yeah.
1378
01:10:54,735 --> 01:10:56,437
- ♪ Oh, freaky, freaky, freak ♪
1379
01:10:56,437 --> 01:10:57,638
- Yeah.
1380
01:10:57,638 --> 01:11:00,074
all: ♪ Naked boy who died
for me ♪
1381
01:11:00,074 --> 01:11:02,443
- ♪ I'm gonna get scary ♪
1382
01:11:02,443 --> 01:11:06,013
♪ As Balthazar--
come on to center stage ♪
1383
01:11:06,013 --> 01:11:07,415
Balthazar to center stage.
- Yes, yes.
1384
01:11:07,415 --> 01:11:08,950
Yes, Jim. Yep.
1385
01:11:08,950 --> 01:11:10,284
- Little bit scary.
- Mm-hmm.
1386
01:11:10,284 --> 01:11:11,719
- I don't want to note you
to death,
1387
01:11:11,719 --> 01:11:14,489
but the last couple times
we did this,
1388
01:11:14,489 --> 01:11:15,756
you were just--you were behind.
1389
01:11:15,756 --> 01:11:16,958
You were late.
- I'm a little--I know.
1390
01:11:16,958 --> 01:11:18,125
- Late.
- I know, Jim.
1391
01:11:18,125 --> 01:11:19,527
- Let's not be late. Ready?
1392
01:11:19,527 --> 01:11:21,195
- Can we not embarrass me
in front of everyone?
1393
01:11:21,195 --> 01:11:22,430
- I don't think
I'm embarrassing you
1394
01:11:22,430 --> 01:11:23,764
in front of everyone.
1395
01:11:23,764 --> 01:11:24,699
Am I embarrassing him
in front of everyone?
1396
01:11:24,699 --> 01:11:25,733
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
1397
01:11:25,733 --> 01:11:26,968
- If you want to give me notes,
1398
01:11:26,968 --> 01:11:28,636
you take me
behind the Christmas tree.
1399
01:11:28,636 --> 01:11:29,937
- Who's Balthazar?
- Me.
1400
01:11:29,937 --> 01:11:31,472
- You are.
- Jones.
1401
01:11:31,472 --> 01:11:33,174
- Beautiful.
[PA beeps]
1402
01:11:33,174 --> 01:11:35,610
- Can I have your attention?
- Two, three, four--
1403
01:11:35,610 --> 01:11:38,079
- Will the mother of Lupita--
- Six, seven, eight, nine.
1404
01:11:38,079 --> 01:11:39,714
- Please come
to the lost and found?
1405
01:11:39,714 --> 01:11:41,215
[playing electric guitar]
1406
01:11:41,215 --> 01:11:42,884
Now.
1407
01:11:42,884 --> 01:11:45,620
- ♪ Who is this tiny man who
in the manger now is born? ♪
1408
01:11:45,620 --> 01:11:47,455
♪ And will he fill
the world with love ♪
1409
01:11:47,455 --> 01:11:49,323
♪ But also wear
a crown of thorns? ♪
1410
01:11:49,323 --> 01:11:52,793
♪ And if the Romans find a boy
who is so naked and so wise ♪
1411
01:11:52,793 --> 01:11:54,328
♪ Could he even now survive ♪
1412
01:11:54,328 --> 01:11:56,364
♪ Or would he [indistinct]
his demise? ♪
1413
01:11:56,364 --> 01:11:57,865
♪ And should we all
just run and flee ♪
1414
01:11:57,865 --> 01:11:59,200
♪ And bid adieu to Galilee? ♪
1415
01:11:59,200 --> 01:12:02,103
♪ But lo,
this little naked man ♪
1416
01:12:02,103 --> 01:12:03,938
♪ Yes, it's happening ♪
1417
01:12:03,938 --> 01:12:08,576
♪ I am a Jesus freak fan ♪
1418
01:12:08,576 --> 01:12:09,977
- Three, four.
1419
01:12:09,977 --> 01:12:11,612
- Yeah, that's the holidays
right there, right?
1420
01:12:11,612 --> 01:12:13,347
That's the holidays.
all: ♪ Jesus freaking me ♪
1421
01:12:13,347 --> 01:12:15,449
- That's it.
all: ♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
1422
01:12:15,449 --> 01:12:17,885
♪ Tiny man from Galilee ♪
1423
01:12:17,885 --> 01:12:19,554
♪ Freaky, freaky, freak ♪
- That's right.
1424
01:12:19,554 --> 01:12:20,755
- ♪ Hey, Jesus freaking me ♪
1425
01:12:20,755 --> 01:12:22,023
- That's exactly it.
1426
01:12:22,023 --> 01:12:23,457
all: ♪ Oh, freaky,
freaky, freak ♪
1427
01:12:23,457 --> 01:12:26,294
♪ The naked boy
who died for me ♪
1428
01:12:26,294 --> 01:12:27,895
♪ ♪
1429
01:12:27,895 --> 01:12:30,164
- And then you're feeling
each other's bodies.
1430
01:12:30,164 --> 01:12:32,366
♪ ♪
1431
01:12:32,366 --> 01:12:34,502
Exploring bodies.
1432
01:12:34,502 --> 01:12:38,506
God, we've been given
these beautiful bodies.
1433
01:12:38,506 --> 01:12:41,042
OK, that was one one-thousandth
of the energy
1434
01:12:41,042 --> 01:12:43,144
I want on the day, OK?
- OK.
1435
01:12:43,144 --> 01:12:45,980
- Fun family show for
the fucking Junior Deputies,
1436
01:12:45,980 --> 01:12:49,116
some of whom are recovering
from crack problems, OK?
1437
01:12:49,116 --> 01:12:51,552
Let's pick it up at the--
we've arrived at the manger,
1438
01:12:51,552 --> 01:12:53,054
there's no room,
there's no room.
1439
01:12:53,054 --> 01:12:55,723
- [dramatically]
There's no room in the manger!
1440
01:12:55,723 --> 01:12:57,425
- You're not going to do it
like that, are you?
1441
01:12:57,425 --> 01:12:58,859
- I was.
1442
01:12:58,859 --> 01:13:00,461
- Can I see it a little bigger?
1443
01:13:00,461 --> 01:13:01,996
- [clears throat]
1444
01:13:01,996 --> 01:13:05,266
- [dramatically]
There's no room in the manger.
1445
01:13:05,266 --> 01:13:06,534
- See, that's why this
is a show.
1446
01:13:06,534 --> 01:13:08,469
That's why this is a show.
- That's it.
1447
01:13:08,469 --> 01:13:11,539
- [singing quietly]
[sirens blaring]
1448
01:13:11,539 --> 01:13:13,874
[gentle music]
1449
01:13:13,874 --> 01:13:16,911
[cars honking]
1450
01:13:19,614 --> 01:13:22,183
[electricity crackles]
1451
01:13:22,183 --> 01:13:24,952
[helicopter whirring]
1452
01:13:25,987 --> 01:13:28,356
[rumbling]
[whimpering]
1453
01:13:28,356 --> 01:13:29,757
[banging]
1454
01:13:29,757 --> 01:13:32,693
[heroic music]
1455
01:13:32,693 --> 01:13:35,062
[shouts]
- Fear not, little goyim.
1456
01:13:35,062 --> 01:13:37,465
Your rescue is at hand.
1457
01:13:38,633 --> 01:13:39,900
- Oh.
1458
01:13:42,036 --> 01:13:43,738
- Shalom, baby.
1459
01:13:43,738 --> 01:13:47,041
Hatzalah at your service.
1460
01:13:47,041 --> 01:13:51,278
We was, uh, circling
in the Black Hawk chopper.
1461
01:13:51,278 --> 01:13:53,214
We saw you were in distress.
1462
01:13:53,214 --> 01:13:56,450
We got here in two shakes
of a mule's bottom.
1463
01:13:56,450 --> 01:13:57,752
- Thank God you're here!
1464
01:13:57,752 --> 01:14:00,388
- We was, uh, doing
mitzvahing this week.
1465
01:14:00,388 --> 01:14:03,090
It's best way to celebrate
sixth night of Hanukkah.
1466
01:14:03,090 --> 01:14:05,059
- Oh, we were also just
1467
01:14:05,059 --> 01:14:06,727
celebrating Hanukkah.
- Great.
1468
01:14:06,727 --> 01:14:11,532
How about we tow this bus
to wherever it is you're going?
1469
01:14:11,532 --> 01:14:13,067
- Oh, thank you!
1470
01:14:13,067 --> 01:14:14,535
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
1471
01:14:14,535 --> 01:14:15,770
It's forbidden.
1472
01:14:15,770 --> 01:14:16,904
- Thank you, at least,
for recognizing
1473
01:14:16,904 --> 01:14:19,040
that I am indeed a female.
1474
01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:21,075
- Of course! You are woman.
1475
01:14:21,075 --> 01:14:26,180
You are 100% filthy,
disgusting woman
1476
01:14:26,180 --> 01:14:29,984
that I would not schtup
through hole in two sheets.
1477
01:14:29,984 --> 01:14:31,185
- OK.
1478
01:14:31,185 --> 01:14:32,520
It's been a long day.
- OK.
1479
01:14:32,520 --> 01:14:33,788
Of course.
1480
01:14:33,788 --> 01:14:36,691
So who wants to be Jewish
like Ivanka Trump,
1481
01:14:36,691 --> 01:14:38,492
most beautiful woman in world?
1482
01:14:38,492 --> 01:14:39,994
OK. See me afterwards.
1483
01:14:39,994 --> 01:14:41,595
I have pamphlets.
- OK.
1484
01:14:41,595 --> 01:14:43,364
- Let's hook you up to tank--
- Yes.
1485
01:14:43,364 --> 01:14:45,066
And get you where you need
to go.
1486
01:14:45,066 --> 01:14:46,634
- Yes!
- Huh?
1487
01:14:46,634 --> 01:14:49,870
Hatzalah.
all: Hatzalah.
1488
01:14:49,870 --> 01:14:51,639
Just the boys. Hatzalah.
1489
01:14:51,639 --> 01:14:53,441
Good. Hatzalah.
1490
01:14:53,441 --> 01:14:54,975
- Just the girls.
- No, not the girls.
1491
01:14:54,975 --> 01:14:56,043
- Nope.
- --alah.
1492
01:14:56,043 --> 01:14:59,046
[festive music]
1493
01:14:59,046 --> 01:15:01,549
♪ ♪
1494
01:15:01,549 --> 01:15:04,985
- Even the animals in
the barn rejoiced at this--
1495
01:15:04,985 --> 01:15:06,487
- Hi, guys.
I got the Junior Deputies.
1496
01:15:06,487 --> 01:15:08,055
Everything is totally cool
and fine.
1497
01:15:08,055 --> 01:15:09,323
- What the hell
happened to you?
1498
01:15:09,323 --> 01:15:10,725
- Yeah, nothing!
Everything's fine.
1499
01:15:10,725 --> 01:15:11,926
I got the Junior Deputies here,
safe and sound.
1500
01:15:11,926 --> 01:15:13,194
Everybody's good.
Go, go, go!
1501
01:15:13,194 --> 01:15:14,662
You're fine. You're fine.
- Go. Great seats.
1502
01:15:14,662 --> 01:15:15,963
Great seats still available.
- Everybody's fine.
1503
01:15:15,963 --> 01:15:17,465
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
1504
01:15:17,465 --> 01:15:20,101
- Enjoy the greatest story
ever told, Junior Deputies.
1505
01:15:20,101 --> 01:15:21,669
- You got to get dressed.
- Yes.
1506
01:15:21,669 --> 01:15:22,970
OK. Everything's fine.
1507
01:15:22,970 --> 01:15:24,338
Everything is good.
- OK, tighten up.
1508
01:15:24,338 --> 01:15:26,307
We're running about
90 minutes late,
1509
01:15:26,307 --> 01:15:27,608
but that's not going
to affect our energy.
1510
01:15:27,608 --> 01:15:29,043
- You're not going
to believe it!
1511
01:15:29,043 --> 01:15:33,314
We booked Inkeba Bathetois.
1512
01:15:33,314 --> 01:15:35,983
- Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois?
1513
01:15:35,983 --> 01:15:37,685
- Yes, that very one.
1514
01:15:37,685 --> 01:15:39,186
But she can sing, too!
1515
01:15:39,186 --> 01:15:40,554
She's even better at singing
than
1516
01:15:40,554 --> 01:15:42,523
she is at predicting
cloud stuff!
1517
01:15:42,523 --> 01:15:44,058
- Mr. Richnickie,
stop talking for two seconds
1518
01:15:44,058 --> 01:15:45,392
before I punch you in the face.
1519
01:15:45,392 --> 01:15:47,061
I just want to make it clear.
1520
01:15:47,061 --> 01:15:48,596
She's going to go--
local meteorologist
1521
01:15:48,596 --> 01:15:51,332
Inkeba Bathetois is going
to go on right after us?
1522
01:15:51,332 --> 01:15:53,167
- Local meteorologist
Inkeba Bathetois,
1523
01:15:53,167 --> 01:15:54,802
and beautiful singer
Inkeba Bathetois--
1524
01:15:54,802 --> 01:15:56,137
- And Peabody Award winner.
1525
01:15:56,137 --> 01:15:57,705
- --is going on momentarily.
1526
01:15:57,705 --> 01:15:59,173
And everyone is very excited.
1527
01:15:59,173 --> 01:16:00,975
Also, she told me
to tell you not
1528
01:16:00,975 --> 01:16:02,476
to look her directly
in the face.
1529
01:16:02,476 --> 01:16:04,078
- Oh, sure.
- 'Cause she's very famous
1530
01:16:04,078 --> 01:16:05,112
and does not like that.
1531
01:16:05,112 --> 01:16:06,447
I'm going to go introduce her.
1532
01:16:06,447 --> 01:16:08,349
This is going to be so great!
I can't wait!
1533
01:16:08,349 --> 01:16:11,452
Also, your green room is now
her assistant's green room,
1534
01:16:11,452 --> 01:16:13,220
so you don't have
a green room no more.
1535
01:16:13,220 --> 01:16:14,789
I love you!
- Great.
1536
01:16:14,789 --> 01:16:16,757
Don't go in her green room.
- I got to focus on the text.
1537
01:16:16,757 --> 01:16:18,526
- It's going to be great.
Prayer, prayer, prayer.
1538
01:16:18,526 --> 01:16:23,831
Right now, it's Reno Sheriff's
Department versus the world.
1539
01:16:23,831 --> 01:16:25,299
The butterflies.
1540
01:16:25,299 --> 01:16:27,368
It's OK to throw up
before you go on.
1541
01:16:27,368 --> 01:16:30,237
It might even make
you look less bloated.
1542
01:16:30,237 --> 01:16:32,173
I'm not looking
at anybody specifically,
1543
01:16:32,173 --> 01:16:33,741
but if you need
to throw up before,
1544
01:16:33,741 --> 01:16:37,211
the butterflies are your friend
for definition.
1545
01:16:37,211 --> 01:16:42,116
Now, I know there's 150 pages
of the script
1546
01:16:42,116 --> 01:16:44,985
we didn't really get to,
or talk about, or block.
1547
01:16:44,985 --> 01:16:47,621
But greatest story ever told.
1548
01:16:47,621 --> 01:16:49,323
You're bringing
to the Christ child?
1549
01:16:49,323 --> 01:16:50,858
- Myrrh.
- And you're bringing?
1550
01:16:50,858 --> 01:16:51,892
- I bring gold.
1551
01:16:51,892 --> 01:16:53,627
- And Trudy is bringing?
1552
01:16:55,162 --> 01:16:58,432
- Well, I think I read
the email wrong.
1553
01:16:58,432 --> 01:16:59,667
- It's OK.
1554
01:16:59,667 --> 01:17:01,068
- I mean, it's kind
of the same story.
1555
01:17:01,068 --> 01:17:02,570
- Yeah, Jesus came back
to life.
1556
01:17:02,570 --> 01:17:04,438
- Huddle up.
Huddle up, everybody.
1557
01:17:04,438 --> 01:17:07,141
[dramatic acoustic music]
1558
01:17:07,141 --> 01:17:08,976
Are we the best actors
in the world?
1559
01:17:08,976 --> 01:17:10,110
- Yes.
- No.
1560
01:17:10,110 --> 01:17:11,478
- Oh.
1561
01:17:11,478 --> 01:17:13,948
- Those are literally
always British people.
1562
01:17:13,948 --> 01:17:15,749
But I think we got this.
1563
01:17:15,749 --> 01:17:18,185
- Ladies and gentlemen,
1564
01:17:18,185 --> 01:17:20,921
local meteorologist
1565
01:17:20,921 --> 01:17:26,327
Inkeba Bathetois!
1566
01:17:26,327 --> 01:17:27,962
[cheers and applause]
- Should be going on after us.
1567
01:17:27,962 --> 01:17:31,699
[acoustic guitar playing]
- ♪ Oh, holy night ♪
1568
01:17:31,699 --> 01:17:37,071
♪ The stars are
brightly shining ♪
1569
01:17:37,071 --> 01:17:39,673
♪ It is the night ♪
1570
01:17:39,673 --> 01:17:44,044
♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪
1571
01:17:44,044 --> 01:17:46,046
♪ ♪
1572
01:17:46,046 --> 01:17:50,150
♪ Oh, night ♪
1573
01:17:50,150 --> 01:17:53,821
♪ Divine ♪
1574
01:17:53,821 --> 01:17:57,191
♪ Oh, night ♪
1575
01:17:57,191 --> 01:18:03,564
♪ Oh, night divine ♪
1576
01:18:03,564 --> 01:18:05,499
♪ ♪
1577
01:18:05,499 --> 01:18:07,935
- You know, she has
a Peabody Award.
1578
01:18:07,935 --> 01:18:11,839
- ♪ Oh, night divine ♪
1579
01:18:11,839 --> 01:18:14,575
[cheers and applause]
1580
01:18:16,669 --> 01:18:19,439
[sleigh bells jingling]
[upbeat music]
1581
01:18:19,439 --> 01:18:21,074
♪ ♪
1582
01:18:21,074 --> 01:18:22,876
[gong rings]
1583
01:18:22,876 --> 01:18:26,045
[soft dramatic music]
1584
01:18:26,045 --> 01:18:27,580
♪ ♪
1585
01:18:27,580 --> 01:18:29,048
- Behold.
1586
01:18:29,048 --> 01:18:30,516
Behold.
1587
01:18:30,516 --> 01:18:35,321
Behold, behold, behold
the greatest story ever told.
1588
01:18:35,321 --> 01:18:41,127
We now miraculously transform
the Sierra Nugget Mall
1589
01:18:41,127 --> 01:18:45,498
to the town of Bethlehem!
1590
01:18:45,498 --> 01:18:45,802
And now, Rome hath commanded
that a census be taken.