1 00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:44,144 - Heaven's prison. - Come see them. 2 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,780 Grape taste. 3 00:00:45,914 --> 00:00:47,080 - I've never seen something like this. 4 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,448 - Get it. 5 00:00:48,650 --> 00:00:49,817 A noticeable difference 6 00:00:49,951 --> 00:00:51,351 from the cyber war, Lois, 7 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,555 is the number of extremists dressed as clowns. 8 00:00:53,688 --> 00:00:55,523 - Is your sad wife making it difficult 9 00:00:55,657 --> 00:00:57,357 for you to enjoy golf? 10 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,226 Once daily Smylex can help. 11 00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:00,595 - Do you know what this movement 12 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,030 is really about? 13 00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:03,497 The transsexual reptilian agenda. 14 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:04,999 I always told her 15 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,334 to smile more, now she's smiling more. 16 00:01:07,467 --> 00:01:09,037 - Smylex can cause loss of blood from the eyes. 17 00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:13,508 And I'd bet dollars 18 00:01:13,708 --> 00:01:15,977 to donuts that sick clown, Joker, the Harlequin, 19 00:01:16,109 --> 00:01:18,211 as that thing calls itself, 20 00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:20,113 is a Manchurian candidate 21 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,616 activated by the globalists 22 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,052 that are actually pulling the strings. 23 00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,253 Folks, you know I've been critical of Bruce Wayne 24 00:01:26,386 --> 00:01:28,856 and the homosexual leftist dystopia that he 25 00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:31,358 and that facially bifurcated bitch running mate of his 26 00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,193 want to reduce this country to, 27 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:37,264 but I stand here today pleading, where on earth is Batman? 28 00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:39,433 And when will he stop this madness? 29 00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:57,986 - That laugh was a six, I need you at an 11. 30 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,754 Goddammit. 31 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,188 - I need everybody at home 32 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,190 to think you are laughing so hard 33 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,592 you are pissing in your pants, - Cue the opening titles. 34 00:02:04,726 --> 00:02:06,460 - you little piss freaks. - We go live in 35 00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,529 10. - Live from Downtown Gotham, 36 00:02:08,663 --> 00:02:11,164 it's "UCB Live!" 37 00:02:22,043 --> 00:02:23,310 - As far back as I can remember, 38 00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:27,247 I always wanted to be a Joker. 39 00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:38,425 In the days before the American Dream sputtered 40 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,895 its last breath, the most a kid could hope for 41 00:02:41,029 --> 00:02:43,898 in the Midwest was a two parent household and basic cable. 42 00:02:44,032 --> 00:02:45,232 Technically, I had both. 43 00:02:45,432 --> 00:02:47,035 - Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll go blind. 44 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,504 - At least I had cable 45 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,506 - 'cause honey you should be smiling more. 46 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:55,308 Live from Downtown Gotham, 47 00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:56,844 it's "UCB Live" 48 00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:00,615 with TJ Stiller, 49 00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:01,916 Bil Sabatino, 50 00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,786 Senator Al Franken, 51 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:06,954 Ra's al Ghul, 52 00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:11,025 and The Harlequins, 53 00:03:11,159 --> 00:03:14,662 with musical guest, Sinead O'Connor. 54 00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:16,564 Please welcome tonight's host, - I can't believe 55 00:03:16,698 --> 00:03:19,399 this show is still on. - President Lex Luther. 56 00:03:19,534 --> 00:03:21,301 Live from 57 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,237 the United Clown Bureau in downtown Gotham City, 58 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:28,009 it's "UCB!" 59 00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:30,144 - , what in God's name are you doing? 60 00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,046 What have I told you about jumping on the bed? 61 00:03:32,180 --> 00:03:34,182 You could fall, break your neck, be paralyzed for life, 62 00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:35,183 is that what you want? 63 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,684 - No, I was just trying to- 64 00:03:36,818 --> 00:03:37,919 - You were just trying to split your head open? 65 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,286 - No, Mama, I just wanted- 66 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,621 - You wanted to bleed out all over the floor 67 00:03:40,755 --> 00:03:42,156 for me to find you, is that it? 68 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,257 Unbelievable. 69 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,727 - I'm sorry, Mama. 70 00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:47,929 Honestly, a little jumping on the bed 71 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:51,331 should have been the least of my mother's concerns 72 00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:54,434 'cause, you know, I'm a, I'm trans, 73 00:03:55,770 --> 00:03:58,973 and she just, you know, she didn't know that at that point. 74 00:03:59,107 --> 00:04:00,508 There isn't one moment where I, 75 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,176 I, like, realized I was transgender. 76 00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:04,277 I mean, do cis people have one specific moment 77 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,646 where they realized they were cis? 78 00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:07,048 I mean, I don't know, maybe you do. 79 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,482 I, I'm not gonna ask you 80 00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:09,617 'cause it's none of my business, 81 00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,119 and it's none of your business. 82 00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:12,854 Anyway, uh, when I figured out I was trans, 83 00:04:12,987 --> 00:04:14,789 but when I look back on my life, 84 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,257 it's this, like, blurry cracked mosaic 85 00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:18,659 of, of, of all these tiny 86 00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,393 but very important gender revelations. 87 00:04:23,064 --> 00:04:25,233 But who could have predicted that the most important 88 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:27,267 of which would happen when my mom took me 89 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,238 to see a movie about everybody's favorite orphan. 90 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,680 The cyber war 91 00:04:39,814 --> 00:04:42,415 is officially over and the movies are back, baby. 92 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,218 What you're about to see is my first collab 93 00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:46,087 with Queebso Entertainment. 94 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,156 The story of a man, 95 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,489 a Batman, 96 00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:51,491 and a city infested with cyber mutants. 97 00:04:51,626 --> 00:04:52,927 Val Kilmer plays me. 98 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,040 - What is it about the wrong kinda man? 99 00:05:06,174 --> 00:05:09,342 Mm. 100 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,180 You know how I feel about rubber nipples, Bruce. 101 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,815 - I imagine when most little boys 102 00:05:13,948 --> 00:05:15,583 watched the Bat-nipple love scene 103 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,417 from "Legends of the Caped Crusader," 104 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:20,320 they probably wanted to be Batman and screw Nicole Kidman, 105 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:23,825 I'm sure this was a sexual awakening for a lot of young men. 106 00:05:23,958 --> 00:05:26,727 But I watched it and I wanted to be Nicole Kidman. 107 00:05:26,861 --> 00:05:28,328 Was this why my mom didn't usually 108 00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:30,531 let me watch PG-13 movies? 109 00:05:30,665 --> 00:05:33,366 Does every PG-13 movie make little boys 110 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,036 wanna become girls someday? 111 00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:37,104 It took years of moments like this 112 00:05:37,238 --> 00:05:39,640 before the thought of transitioning even entered my head. 113 00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:41,341 But, I mean, can you blame me? 114 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,744 When I was growing up, the only people I saw on TV 115 00:05:43,878 --> 00:05:47,815 that went from jokemen to harlequin, so to speak, 116 00:05:47,949 --> 00:05:49,817 were, at best, dead bodies 117 00:05:49,951 --> 00:05:52,119 or sex workers on police procedurals. 118 00:05:52,253 --> 00:05:54,989 - You mean she's a he? 119 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,092 Or they were treated like 120 00:05:58,458 --> 00:05:59,994 sideshow freaks on daytime talk shows. 121 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,629 Creeper, creeper, creeper! 122 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,631 - Our next guest claims to be a woman 123 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:05,498 trapped in a man's body. 124 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,602 Oh, you! 125 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,704 you, I'm not here to entertain you. 126 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:12,306 Okay, I'm not your clown. 127 00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:16,210 ♪ There was a time ♪ 128 00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:20,882 ♪ When I had a good life ♪ 129 00:06:21,015 --> 00:06:24,151 - Mama, uh, can I ask you a question? 130 00:06:24,285 --> 00:06:25,319 - Sure. 131 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:28,488 - Uh, was I born in the wrong body? 132 00:06:31,993 --> 00:06:34,595 - What did you just say? 133 00:06:34,729 --> 00:06:37,999 - Uh, I asked, was I born in the wrong body? 134 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,203 - How could you just ask me that? 135 00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:43,738 - Uh, I, I don't know. 136 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:45,606 - How is that supposed to make your mother feel? 137 00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:47,775 - I'm really sorry. 138 00:06:47,909 --> 00:06:48,910 No, Mama, 139 00:06:49,043 --> 00:06:49,977 where are you going? 140 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,346 - You are very sick, 141 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:53,681 I've been worried about you for a long time, 142 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,917 we are finally gonna make you better. 143 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:27,548 - Ah, you must be , I am Dr. Crane. 144 00:07:27,682 --> 00:07:31,218 Ah, come on in, let's broaden our minds, huh? 145 00:07:31,352 --> 00:07:34,355 So why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself 146 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:37,457 and how you've been feeling lately? 147 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,064 - He's delusional. 148 00:07:43,264 --> 00:07:46,167 He says things like he thinks he's inside the wrong body. 149 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,234 - I don't think that. 150 00:07:47,368 --> 00:07:48,502 - Then why did you say it? 151 00:07:48,703 --> 00:07:49,670 - Well, why would you say something 152 00:07:49,804 --> 00:07:51,605 that you don't think,? 153 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,976 - I don't know, I guess, 154 00:07:55,109 --> 00:07:57,144 I just sometimes don't feel like a boy. 155 00:07:57,278 --> 00:08:01,382 - Oh, God, something is wrong with his brain. 156 00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,851 - Yeah. - I hear him crying all night. 157 00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:05,386 I don't know where he gets that from. 158 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,754 - Do you cry all night? 159 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,656 - Not every night. - I never cry. 160 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,691 His father certainly never cries, not even once, never has. 161 00:08:10,825 --> 00:08:14,095 - Do you see how your crying impacts your mother? 162 00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:16,263 Tell him. 163 00:08:16,397 --> 00:08:19,066 - It makes me feel like I've failed. 164 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,801 It makes me feel like I'm a bad mother. 165 00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:21,836 - Hmm. 166 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:27,575 Did you know that you were hurting your mother in this way? 167 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,010 No. 168 00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,012 - I just want my happy little boy back. 169 00:08:31,145 --> 00:08:32,780 - Mama, I can try and be happy again. 170 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:33,981 I promise to never tell you 171 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,750 that I'm in the wrong body anymore. 172 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,651 I promise I'll never even tell you if I'm sad. 173 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,186 - Please, Dr. Crane. 174 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:40,488 Fear not, 175 00:08:42,323 --> 00:08:45,726 for I have developed an experimental treatment 176 00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:51,766 that's designed to help sad little boys like here. 177 00:08:57,905 --> 00:08:59,540 - Maybe sad is the wrong word. 178 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:03,110 - Yeah, hush, little one. - Maybe it's something else. 179 00:09:03,244 --> 00:09:07,648 - Oh, you'll be mama's happy little boy in no time. 180 00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:23,464 ♪ You don't own me ♪ - It worked like magic. 181 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,766 - What is this? 182 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:38,646 - It works like magic. 183 00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:18,219 - How are you feeling, honey? 184 00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:19,820 Are you happy now? 185 00:10:19,954 --> 00:10:21,956 - Yes, Mama, are you? 186 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:25,893 - Yes. 187 00:10:30,331 --> 00:10:31,866 - I heard a lot of other 188 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,200 trans chicks also describe their childhoods 189 00:10:33,334 --> 00:10:34,869 as a hazy blackout. 190 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,105 It didn't help that I spent mine 191 00:10:38,239 --> 00:10:41,275 dulled by the dark purple haze of Smylex. 192 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,043 But maybe it was for the best. 193 00:10:43,177 --> 00:10:44,812 - And as incidents of extreme violence 194 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,047 and increased reports of people with strange abilities 195 00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:48,617 pop up more. - Can you explain these 196 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,417 foolish guzzling chicken hawks. 197 00:10:50,552 --> 00:10:52,086 You will not silence the silent- 198 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,654 - The White House has confirmed 199 00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,322 that President Lex Luther has passed away 200 00:10:55,456 --> 00:10:58,692 from a diarrhea-related overdose in a Russian piss bar. 201 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,127 This is coming on the heels 202 00:11:00,261 --> 00:11:02,396 of signing Senator Gilda Dent's Bill 203 00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,999 outlawing all non-Queebso content. 204 00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:06,667 And you wouldn't be shocked 205 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:07,935 to find out that I learned 206 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,504 at a young age I could use trash TV 207 00:11:09,638 --> 00:11:11,872 to distract me. - Video girl bosses 208 00:11:12,006 --> 00:11:16,143 compete for the chance at a reduced sentence and true love. 209 00:11:16,277 --> 00:11:17,845 - And whenever I ran out 210 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,114 of shows, all I had to do was put on a happy face. 211 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,616 - Smylex may also be used 212 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,017 to break up- - But thank God 213 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:25,085 I had Smylex to numb me through my adolescence, 214 00:11:25,219 --> 00:11:26,720 because for women like me, 215 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,856 first puberty can feel like being strapped 216 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,457 into the passenger seat of a car 217 00:11:30,592 --> 00:11:32,226 that's barreling towards a brick wall 218 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,727 faster and faster and faster. 219 00:11:37,298 --> 00:11:40,034 There was no way my meathead friends would understand. 220 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,069 - Look, man, are you telling me that you're a fag? 221 00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:44,004 'Cause if you're gonna tell me that you're a fag, 222 00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:45,540 I don't think I can handle it. 223 00:11:45,674 --> 00:11:49,310 - No, I am not a fag, okay? 224 00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:51,912 It's so funny that you would even like joke about that 225 00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:54,949 because if I were, I mean, if I were a fag, 226 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:58,653 I would probably be, you know, like, 227 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,387 just, 228 00:12:00,522 --> 00:12:01,989 look, I'm a fag. 229 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:06,393 Me a faggot? Get real. 230 00:12:06,528 --> 00:12:09,230 It was from that day onward 231 00:12:09,363 --> 00:12:11,432 that I learned I didn't just need Smylex 232 00:12:11,566 --> 00:12:13,367 to repress my trans femininity. 233 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,303 Can you even imagine a penis near my mouth? 234 00:12:16,437 --> 00:12:18,272 I could use comedy to repress it, too. 235 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,473 - Put that down! 236 00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:21,041 That's not a mushroom. - Oh! 237 00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,277 - It's a penis. - So why not follow 238 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,113 in the footsteps of the greatest comedian who ever lived? 239 00:12:26,247 --> 00:12:27,248 Ra's al Ghul. 240 00:12:27,381 --> 00:12:28,516 - I wanna talk about your new movie, 241 00:12:28,650 --> 00:12:29,817 uh, it comes out next Friday. 242 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:30,818 I know, how original, 243 00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,419 I was inspired 244 00:12:32,554 --> 00:12:33,988 by the most prolific 245 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,789 and successful jokeman of our modern age. 246 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:38,727 - I love my wife. - But my appreciation 247 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,563 for Ra's went beyond just the blockbuster hits. 248 00:12:41,696 --> 00:12:43,030 I loved his podcast. 249 00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,733 I mean, the dude recorded it from his garage. 250 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,133 How cool is that? 251 00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:48,135 - Have a good week, I-don't-give-a-shitters. 252 00:12:48,269 --> 00:12:50,070 I even loved the biannual 253 00:12:50,204 --> 00:12:53,073 Ra's al Ghul human papillomavirus Memorial Day telethons. 254 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:54,609 I watched them every year, 255 00:12:54,743 --> 00:12:57,911 but it didn't get any better than his tenure on "UCB Live." 256 00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:01,915 - Girls like to saute their boyfriend's penis 257 00:13:03,317 --> 00:13:06,120 with oral water 258 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:07,522 from the tongue. 259 00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:09,223 Ra's taught me 260 00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:12,293 that it didn't matter that I was a shitty miserable person, 261 00:13:12,426 --> 00:13:13,961 all I had to do was become a comedian 262 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,297 because comedians are shitty miserable people. 263 00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:19,033 So when I finally had saved up enough money, 264 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,869 I set course for Gotham City. 265 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,808 All right, it's the last box, I'm gonna head out soon. 266 00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,443 Is dad still not home? 267 00:13:29,577 --> 00:13:34,181 - Uh, um, no, uh, maybe just call him from the road. 268 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,184 Are you sure you wanna do this? 269 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,053 There's still time to change your mind. 270 00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,188 I, I know they're hiring at LexCorp Fertilizing Plant 271 00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:42,524 down the street. 272 00:13:42,724 --> 00:13:45,259 - I've thought a lot about this, I'm, I'm sure, Mama. 273 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:46,594 - Oh, God, okay. 274 00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:50,064 Well, please, 275 00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,899 be careful. 276 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,934 Gotham City is nothing but neon biker gangs, 277 00:13:54,068 --> 00:13:56,236 leather freaks, and cross-dressers. 278 00:13:56,370 --> 00:13:59,006 And you mark my words, because I will not be there 279 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:04,746 when, if you fall. 280 00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,453 - I love you, too. 281 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,559 ♪ Before I think I need to go ♪ 282 00:14:17,692 --> 00:14:19,493 ♪ I'm so close to giving up ♪ 283 00:14:19,627 --> 00:14:21,228 ♪ And I do not give a fuck ♪ 284 00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:23,163 ♪ I have these moments in my head ♪ 285 00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,065 ♪ From the howling of the dead ♪ 286 00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:27,101 ♪ Only calling my BA ♪ 287 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,504 ♪ What the fuck did I say ♪ 288 00:14:29,637 --> 00:14:30,871 ♪ I don't wanna go ♪ 289 00:14:31,004 --> 00:14:32,841 ♪ Before I think I need to go ♪ 290 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,743 ♪ I'm so close to giving up ♪ 291 00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:36,644 - I got myself a shitty apartment. 292 00:14:36,778 --> 00:14:38,646 It was shitty but it was mine, 293 00:14:38,780 --> 00:14:39,980 not that anything really belonged 294 00:14:40,114 --> 00:14:41,915 to the people of Gotham that summer. 295 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,917 - Today marks the one-year anniversary 296 00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:46,353 of Bruce Wayne retiring the Cape and Cowl. 297 00:14:46,487 --> 00:14:50,290 - Aw, I'm still heartbroken, Clark, I miss Batman. 298 00:14:50,424 --> 00:14:51,726 But criminals beware, 299 00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:53,160 the Cape Crusader has partnered 300 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,330 with Wayne Enterprises on an all-new Batdrone. 301 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:59,400 Not only does it broadcast quality Queebso content 302 00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:01,201 and facially identify anyone breaking the law 303 00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:02,737 and shoot them on site, 304 00:15:02,871 --> 00:15:05,072 they also come in rainbow for Pride. 305 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,440 But I didn't care, 306 00:15:06,574 --> 00:15:08,108 I moved to Gotham City for one thing. 307 00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:09,577 Hello, I'm here to audition 308 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:10,911 for "UCB." - The door down the hall. 309 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:14,381 - Oh, all right. 310 00:15:20,655 --> 00:15:21,723 - Please state your name. 311 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,794 Welcome to the "UCB" audition system. 312 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:28,495 I'll need to collect your biometric data 313 00:15:28,630 --> 00:15:30,765 to make sure you meet our system requirements. 314 00:15:30,899 --> 00:15:32,199 - Okay. 315 00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:34,067 Brain scanned: Malleable. 316 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:35,870 Suitable for comedy reeducation. 317 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,106 Liver scanned: Damaged. 318 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,141 Substance abuse approved and encouraged. 319 00:15:42,710 --> 00:15:44,411 Penis scanned. - Whoa, what does "UCB" need 320 00:15:44,546 --> 00:15:47,114 to know my penis size for? - Five inches. 321 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,950 Just small enough to be desperate for external approval. 322 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,351 - That's a fair point, I can see why 323 00:15:51,485 --> 00:15:52,587 you need to know that. - Sex determined, 324 00:15:52,787 --> 00:15:53,954 subject male. 325 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:54,923 Potential for success 326 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:55,956 in mainstream comedy: 327 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:57,257 High. 328 00:15:57,391 --> 00:15:58,492 Audition complete. 329 00:15:58,626 --> 00:16:00,227 Welcome to the "UCB" cast. 330 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,229 - That's it, you don't wanna see my act or anything? 331 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,798 You're just gonna scan my dong 332 00:16:03,932 --> 00:16:05,265 and then move on? - Please proceed forward 333 00:16:05,399 --> 00:16:07,635 for further instructions. 334 00:16:21,749 --> 00:16:24,117 - Welcome to the "United Clown Bureau." 335 00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:25,887 - It takes a little bit from every other 336 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,755 art form out there. - It's a place where you, 337 00:16:27,889 --> 00:16:29,456 you can say you're proud of. - We have what are called 338 00:16:29,591 --> 00:16:31,926 gag sessions, where we all sit around 339 00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:33,661 and gag each other. - As one of our 340 00:16:33,795 --> 00:16:35,697 newest students, you are now part 341 00:16:35,830 --> 00:16:40,200 of a 150-year-old esoteric tradition of sketch comedy 342 00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:41,468 and improvisation. 343 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:42,971 - Does it smell like blood in here? 344 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,204 - It definitely smells like blood in here. 345 00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:46,139 - Hi, I'm Lorne Michaels. 346 00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:48,108 In the coming months, you will complete level one 347 00:16:48,242 --> 00:16:50,110 of our simple class structure, 348 00:16:50,244 --> 00:16:52,379 or, as we like to call it, Cube. 349 00:16:52,514 --> 00:16:54,883 Cube one consists of levels one through eight. 350 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,951 Then your first round of level 16. 351 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,318 Cube one is fun. 352 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,053 - Geez, I feel like I'm joining the Illuminati 353 00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,221 or something. - It is a little 354 00:17:01,355 --> 00:17:02,757 pyramid schemey. - Cube two, 355 00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:04,157 Hyper Cube. 356 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:05,560 Where you'll complete- - But it is everything 357 00:17:05,693 --> 00:17:06,794 I've ever wanted. 358 00:17:06,928 --> 00:17:08,228 Look backwards, 359 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,632 following an evaluation of your ability to be on game 360 00:17:10,765 --> 00:17:11,966 and date your teachers. 361 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,768 You will then complete level 16 362 00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:16,336 for the second time by paying your full tuition fee 363 00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,773 of $15,000. - 15 grand? 364 00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,141 Is there, like, financial aid for this or something? 365 00:17:21,275 --> 00:17:22,242 - And don't worry, girls, 366 00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:23,711 you'll play a role, too. 367 00:17:23,845 --> 00:17:26,179 As stated in "UCB" Training Center's Handbook 368 00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:27,582 of Comedy and Gender, 369 00:17:27,715 --> 00:17:29,416 females are invited to pay full tuition 370 00:17:29,551 --> 00:17:31,553 to earn the designation of Harlequin. 371 00:17:31,686 --> 00:17:33,287 Harlequins hold the estimable task 372 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,523 of dancing sexy, having boobs, 373 00:17:35,657 --> 00:17:38,826 and, of course, laughing at the jokeman's jokes. 374 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,060 Don't forget, 375 00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:41,428 "UCB" is the only training center 376 00:17:41,563 --> 00:17:43,631 in the country where you can get Queebso-certified 377 00:17:43,765 --> 00:17:46,099 to perform comedy legally in the United States. 378 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,202 Punishable by death. - Jokemen and harlequins, 379 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:54,008 please put your hands together for "UCB's" finest jokeman, 380 00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:56,778 Ra's al Ghul. 381 00:17:56,911 --> 00:17:58,378 - I didn't know this was happening, did you know 382 00:17:58,513 --> 00:18:00,014 this was happening? - Nah, it's a bit 383 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,348 of a surprise. - They should have announced 384 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:02,550 this beforehand because people - Ra's! 385 00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:03,885 - can get really excited and really like- 386 00:18:04,018 --> 00:18:04,886 - It's cool, but you gotta be cool. 387 00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:06,588 - You're right, I'm sorry. 388 00:18:06,788 --> 00:18:08,723 - Now that I'm done looking at everybody's dick measurements 389 00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,826 In the interest of not wasting anybody's time, 390 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,661 I'm gonna tell you right now, 391 00:18:13,795 --> 00:18:16,296 I'm not gonna teach you how to be funny. 392 00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:19,634 No, I'm gonna teach you how to be honest. 393 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,770 I need three volunteers to get up here on stage. 394 00:18:22,904 --> 00:18:24,471 You, you, and you. 395 00:18:25,573 --> 00:18:27,041 Yes, you right there, next to the penguin. 396 00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,810 - Yeah! Oh, wow. - Here at the United 397 00:18:28,943 --> 00:18:32,212 Clown Bureau, we live by the principle yes, and, 398 00:18:32,346 --> 00:18:34,381 that means whatever you're scene partner says to you, 399 00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:36,116 you must never deny it. 400 00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:39,821 Now let's practice, Jokeman, start the scene. 401 00:18:39,954 --> 00:18:42,090 - Hey, uh, are you the stripper? 402 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,591 - Uh, no. 403 00:18:43,725 --> 00:18:46,928 - Try again. Remember the yes, and principle. 404 00:18:47,061 --> 00:18:48,830 - Hey, uh, are you the stripper? 405 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:53,133 - Yes, and I want to S your D. 406 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,368 - Whoa. 407 00:18:54,502 --> 00:18:55,469 Great work. 408 00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:56,436 You there, what are you doing? 409 00:18:56,571 --> 00:18:58,205 Support your scene partner. 410 00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:00,273 Step forward. - Hmm? 411 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:02,209 - I said step forward. 412 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,745 - Oh, I thought I did, um, okay. 413 00:19:03,878 --> 00:19:06,080 - I'll be your scene partner, are you ready? 414 00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:09,316 - Yes. - Start the scene, Jokeman. 415 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:13,186 - Um, 416 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,723 so this is a, um, well, uh, 417 00:19:15,857 --> 00:19:17,157 dinner's almost ready. 418 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:21,361 - Yes, Mama, and I only wanna make you happy. 419 00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:26,934 Um. Uh. 420 00:19:27,068 --> 00:19:27,735 Yeah, uh. 421 00:19:28,936 --> 00:19:30,237 What do I say? 422 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,040 - Come on, student, it's your turn. 423 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:35,342 - Yeah, uh, yes, and, yes, and, Mama, 424 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:37,845 no, I'm mama, 425 00:19:37,979 --> 00:19:41,448 your or your, uh. 426 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,885 Yes, and, yes, and. 427 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:46,420 Yes, and. - Jokeman, we got another 428 00:19:46,554 --> 00:19:47,655 seven hours. - Yes, and. 429 00:19:47,789 --> 00:19:50,257 Yes, and. Yes, and. 430 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,325 Yes, and. Whoa! 431 00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:56,196 - Wait up! 432 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,833 Yeah. - You all right there? 433 00:19:58,966 --> 00:20:01,669 - It's like freaking weed dispensary in there, huh? 434 00:20:01,803 --> 00:20:03,303 I feel like I swallowed a fishbone. 435 00:20:03,437 --> 00:20:05,006 - Yeah, it's really smoky. 436 00:20:05,139 --> 00:20:08,076 - Anyway, you dropped this. - Thanks. 437 00:20:09,644 --> 00:20:11,179 - We should probably get back in there, 438 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:12,580 you know, you don't wanna miss Hyper Cube Three. 439 00:20:12,714 --> 00:20:14,982 - Well, as much as being a jokeman 440 00:20:15,116 --> 00:20:18,452 is a life's dream of mine, my parents cut me off last year 441 00:20:18,586 --> 00:20:24,625 after I changed my major to think pieces. 442 00:20:24,759 --> 00:20:27,128 - Well, I'll see you later. 443 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,261 - You wanna get a drink? 444 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,565 - Um, I don't really drink 445 00:20:30,698 --> 00:20:32,667 because of the medication I'm on, so. 446 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:33,801 - Fish? 447 00:20:35,002 --> 00:20:35,803 - Yes, and. 448 00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:44,444 So, yeah, anyway, 449 00:20:44,579 --> 00:20:46,246 mainstream comedy's dead. 450 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,516 It's a bunch of doofy chuds pretending their parents 451 00:20:48,649 --> 00:20:52,220 aren't rich, telling the same Tinder jokes over and over 452 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:55,189 until the "UCB" lets them soft pedal propaganda. 453 00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:56,657 - True that. How about you? 454 00:20:56,791 --> 00:20:59,493 Do you have a, an act or material yet? 455 00:20:59,627 --> 00:21:01,829 - Oh, yeah, it's mostly fish-based, 456 00:21:01,963 --> 00:21:05,298 but catch this, as like a metaphor for larger society, 457 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:08,069 you know, like George Carlin, Lenny Bruce, 458 00:21:08,202 --> 00:21:09,937 even a little bit of Louis C.K., 459 00:21:10,071 --> 00:21:11,773 you know, before the unpleasantness, of course. 460 00:21:11,906 --> 00:21:13,141 - Of course. 461 00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:14,142 - It's kind of an aquatic taste, but, 462 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,209 what's yours like? 463 00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:16,844 - Oh, I mean, I have an act, 464 00:21:16,978 --> 00:21:18,411 but I've never done it out loud before, 465 00:21:18,546 --> 00:21:19,547 I'd be way too embarrassed 466 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:20,548 to do it here. - This is 467 00:21:20,748 --> 00:21:22,482 a judgment-free zone, baby. 468 00:21:22,617 --> 00:21:25,586 - Okay, uh, well, I think the joke I'm most proud of is, 469 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,420 is a dating joke, but it's not a Tinder joke. 470 00:21:27,555 --> 00:21:29,223 So I, uh, - Oh, okay. 471 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:30,625 - so I get up on stage 472 00:21:30,758 --> 00:21:33,127 and, uh, I, I have a real tough time dating, 473 00:21:33,261 --> 00:21:34,361 real, real tough time dating, 474 00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:35,863 - Squawking to the choir. 475 00:21:35,997 --> 00:21:38,065 - uh, so tough in fact that in high school, 476 00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:42,435 my girlfriend and I had nicknames for our, uh, genitals, 477 00:21:42,570 --> 00:21:45,438 uh, and we called her vagina, 478 00:21:45,573 --> 00:21:47,542 um, I just don't wanna shout that 479 00:21:47,675 --> 00:21:48,843 so loudly in the fish restaurant, 480 00:21:48,976 --> 00:21:50,111 - Yeah. - we called her vagina 481 00:21:50,244 --> 00:21:51,612 Treblinka. 482 00:21:51,746 --> 00:21:53,446 And, uh, I thought it was just like a funny name. 483 00:21:53,581 --> 00:21:57,285 Uh, and I think it's also a Say Anything song, 484 00:21:57,417 --> 00:21:58,986 um, which is kind of problematic 485 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,322 because I'm pretty sure that the lead singer got MeToo'd. 486 00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:04,625 It's like, why is everybody just a creep nowadays? 487 00:22:04,759 --> 00:22:07,662 You know, this is not part of the joke. 488 00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:10,298 Um, so we called her pussy Treblinka, 489 00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:11,933 and then we found out 490 00:22:12,066 --> 00:22:13,835 Treblinka was one of Hitler's concentration camps. 491 00:22:13,968 --> 00:22:17,404 And, um, in retrospect, that kind of matched, 492 00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:18,973 uh, her personality. 493 00:22:19,106 --> 00:22:23,376 And, uh, her Treblinka was a quarter of an inch 494 00:22:23,511 --> 00:22:25,947 away from her gas chamber. 495 00:22:28,616 --> 00:22:30,785 - Oh, is that the punchline? 496 00:22:30,918 --> 00:22:33,453 - Oh, I don't really do punchlines. 497 00:22:33,588 --> 00:22:35,890 I'm more of like a, like a storyteller, like Cosby, 498 00:22:36,023 --> 00:22:37,625 you know, but before all the unpleasantness, of course. 499 00:22:37,758 --> 00:22:40,328 - Of course. But did that really happen to you? 500 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:43,130 - Uh, I never even had a girlfriend to be honest. 501 00:22:43,264 --> 00:22:45,800 But if it did happen to somebody 502 00:22:45,933 --> 00:22:48,236 and if it happened to me, it'd be pretty funny and absurd, 503 00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:50,204 you've gotta admit. - Here's a pro tip, 504 00:22:50,338 --> 00:22:52,006 a lotta good comedy comes from stuff 505 00:22:52,139 --> 00:22:54,208 that actually happens to you. 506 00:22:54,342 --> 00:22:55,977 It gets good laughs. Ha! 507 00:22:59,714 --> 00:23:01,249 - I wish there was, like, a place we could workshop 508 00:23:01,381 --> 00:23:03,584 our material without having to kiss Lorne Michaels' ass. 509 00:23:03,718 --> 00:23:07,755 - Yeah, it just sucks that "UCB" is the only game in town. 510 00:23:07,889 --> 00:23:10,057 You know, before the cyber wars, 511 00:23:10,191 --> 00:23:11,692 a comedian could do like four 512 00:23:11,826 --> 00:23:14,494 or five open mic sets every night. 513 00:23:14,629 --> 00:23:16,364 - Lucky bastards, that sounds amazing. 514 00:23:16,496 --> 00:23:18,398 - Yeah, incredible. 515 00:23:18,532 --> 00:23:20,101 - It's just not fair. 516 00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:21,836 You shouldn't have to go through 517 00:23:21,969 --> 00:23:25,806 a whole certification process at a secret society 518 00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:27,407 just to be allowed to make people laugh, 519 00:23:27,541 --> 00:23:28,609 it should be a God-given right. 520 00:23:28,743 --> 00:23:30,778 - Yeah, but who says we can't? 521 00:23:30,912 --> 00:23:32,647 - The government. - Yeah, you look like somebody 522 00:23:32,780 --> 00:23:34,348 who cares what the government says. 523 00:23:34,481 --> 00:23:37,450 What I'm saying is, what if we just, like, do it? 524 00:23:37,585 --> 00:23:38,853 - We could call it anti-comedy, 525 00:23:38,986 --> 00:23:40,788 then they wouldn't be able to arrest us. 526 00:23:40,922 --> 00:23:43,724 - I know you're joking, but that's actually a great idea. 527 00:23:43,858 --> 00:23:45,826 Like, what if we just rent a warehouse 528 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,428 and we advertise it as anti-comedy or something? 529 00:23:48,562 --> 00:23:50,264 You know, the government can't do shit about it. 530 00:23:50,398 --> 00:23:52,767 Comedy can be anything, I mean, it could be bad on purpose. 531 00:23:52,900 --> 00:23:56,469 - In my case, that would be a huge help if it could be that. 532 00:23:56,604 --> 00:23:57,738 - You're not lying. 533 00:23:57,872 --> 00:23:59,373 - I mean, you heard my joke 534 00:23:59,507 --> 00:24:01,375 about my non-existence girlfriend's vagina. 535 00:24:01,509 --> 00:24:02,743 It wasn't- - Right, it was 536 00:24:02,877 --> 00:24:04,444 very offensive. - Yeah. It was offensive? 537 00:24:04,578 --> 00:24:06,580 I- - Yeah. 538 00:24:06,714 --> 00:24:08,481 - Towards women or towards 539 00:24:08,616 --> 00:24:09,884 - Uh, the Holocaust. - the Jews? 540 00:24:10,017 --> 00:24:11,451 Oh, okay. - Yeah, that type of stuff 541 00:24:11,585 --> 00:24:12,987 doesn't always fly. 542 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,789 It would've flown maybe five years ago, 543 00:24:14,922 --> 00:24:17,091 but now antisemitism on the rise. 544 00:24:17,224 --> 00:24:20,828 ♪ I'd like to see the bad guys win sometime ♪ 545 00:24:20,962 --> 00:24:24,065 ♪ I'd like to see the bad guys win ♪ 546 00:24:24,198 --> 00:24:25,333 - After an hour or so 547 00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:27,868 of pleading with Oswald Cobblepot Sr, 548 00:24:28,002 --> 00:24:29,804 Penguin finally convinced his parents 549 00:24:29,937 --> 00:24:32,340 to help us out with the down payment on a commercial space 550 00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:34,942 in Gotham's amusement district. 551 00:24:36,143 --> 00:24:40,548 ♪ I'd like to see the bad guys have some fun ♪ 552 00:24:40,681 --> 00:24:42,450 ♪ They're always getting pushed around ♪ 553 00:24:42,583 --> 00:24:45,419 - Okay, first up is Miss. Pamela Isley. 554 00:24:45,553 --> 00:24:47,621 - Oh, uh, just Ivy, no Miss., please. 555 00:24:47,755 --> 00:24:49,023 And they/them pronouns, 556 00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,891 along with plenty of sunlight and water, 557 00:24:51,025 --> 00:24:54,161 really make this wallflower blossom. 558 00:24:54,295 --> 00:24:56,430 - Hey, my nom de guerre's a fat flightless bird, 559 00:24:56,564 --> 00:24:58,332 so whatever works. 560 00:24:58,466 --> 00:24:59,300 - They call him Penguin. 561 00:24:59,433 --> 00:25:01,469 Uh, Selina Kyle. 562 00:25:01,602 --> 00:25:03,537 - Meow. ♪ Sometime ♪ 563 00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:05,106 ♪ I'd like to see ♪ - I don't get it. 564 00:25:05,239 --> 00:25:07,074 Do you do jokes, or do you do riddles? 565 00:25:07,208 --> 00:25:08,709 - Riddles mostly. 566 00:25:08,843 --> 00:25:10,778 - Well, we're not trying to start a riddle theater. 567 00:25:10,911 --> 00:25:13,214 - I mean, a riddle would count as anti-comedy. 568 00:25:13,347 --> 00:25:14,515 I wanna hear a riddle. 569 00:25:14,648 --> 00:25:15,850 The sun bakes them, 570 00:25:15,983 --> 00:25:18,619 the hand breaks them, the foot treads on them, 571 00:25:18,753 --> 00:25:21,756 and the mouth tastes them, 572 00:25:21,889 --> 00:25:23,257 what are they? 573 00:25:23,391 --> 00:25:24,225 - Grapes! 574 00:25:24,358 --> 00:25:25,760 - My balls, of course. 575 00:25:25,893 --> 00:25:27,728 - Balls are always funny. 576 00:25:27,862 --> 00:25:29,463 - Balls are always funny. You're hired, Riddler. 577 00:25:29,597 --> 00:25:30,531 The Red Hood Gang 578 00:25:30,664 --> 00:25:32,066 was coming together. 579 00:25:32,199 --> 00:25:34,101 My act, on the other hand. 580 00:25:35,870 --> 00:25:37,905 Uh, I hated school as a kid, I'm sure a lot of us did. 581 00:25:38,039 --> 00:25:41,642 And, uh, my mom always used to say, "You should enjoy it, 582 00:25:41,776 --> 00:25:43,177 uh, because you're gonna have to work 583 00:25:43,310 --> 00:25:44,879 for a living one of these days." 584 00:25:45,012 --> 00:25:46,515 - It's the least funny part of that movie. 585 00:25:46,647 --> 00:25:49,350 - "No, I won't, Mom, I'm gonna be a comedian." 586 00:25:49,483 --> 00:25:51,786 - Boo! - Hey, screw you, Bane, 587 00:25:51,919 --> 00:25:53,054 you were up here 15 minutes ago 588 00:25:53,187 --> 00:25:55,056 just lifting weights for 20 minutes. 589 00:25:55,189 --> 00:25:56,624 - Yes, yes, I was. 590 00:25:56,757 --> 00:25:58,392 - Anyway, that's my time, goodnight. 591 00:26:00,394 --> 00:26:03,697 - Oh my God, oh, yeah. - You're telling me, man. 592 00:26:03,831 --> 00:26:04,899 - Here, this will help. 593 00:26:05,032 --> 00:26:07,134 - I can't drink, my medication. 594 00:26:07,268 --> 00:26:10,171 - You're a comic, mixing prescription meds 595 00:26:10,304 --> 00:26:12,573 and alcohol is part of the job description. 596 00:26:12,706 --> 00:26:13,707 - All right, one shot. 597 00:26:13,908 --> 00:26:14,775 - Salute. 598 00:26:14,909 --> 00:26:16,577 ♪ I want a big party ♪ 599 00:26:16,710 --> 00:26:17,678 ♪ I don't want you ♪ 600 00:26:20,281 --> 00:26:22,517 - Ugh, is that what alcohol tastes like? 601 00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:24,251 - You better believe it. - Can I get another? 602 00:26:24,385 --> 00:26:28,122 - Yeah. 603 00:26:29,990 --> 00:26:31,592 - Doctor] How are you settling into the city? 604 00:26:31,892 --> 00:26:35,329 - I've met a ton of great people, ton of friends. 605 00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:36,697 - Have you found work? 606 00:26:36,831 --> 00:26:38,632 - I'm pursuing a career in standup comedy 607 00:26:38,766 --> 00:26:39,967 'cause I always thought 608 00:26:40,167 --> 00:26:43,204 my life was kind of a tragedy, and, um, 609 00:26:46,508 --> 00:26:47,208 it is. 610 00:26:49,043 --> 00:26:51,278 It is, it's a tragic life. 611 00:26:52,346 --> 00:26:53,380 - That's good. 612 00:26:55,416 --> 00:26:57,384 - Look, I'm the one who personally infiltrated 613 00:26:57,519 --> 00:26:59,086 Bohemian Grove 12 years ago 614 00:26:59,220 --> 00:27:01,222 disguised as a Greek cap massage therapist. 615 00:27:01,355 --> 00:27:04,559 - If I just zeroed in on how ugly society 616 00:27:04,692 --> 00:27:08,195 was capable of being, I could forget for one fleeting moment 617 00:27:08,329 --> 00:27:11,298 that I had no idea who the hell I was. 618 00:27:11,432 --> 00:27:13,634 I mean, forget gender, 619 00:27:13,767 --> 00:27:16,804 I, I had no identity. 620 00:27:16,937 --> 00:27:18,172 Like, 621 00:27:18,305 --> 00:27:22,810 sometimes I wasn't even sure I existed. 622 00:27:22,943 --> 00:27:27,314 And each morning, I just created myself. 623 00:27:27,448 --> 00:27:31,352 And every night, I tried to smile myself to death. 624 00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:36,891 Remember, what's the most 625 00:27:37,024 --> 00:27:39,260 important part of policing? - Now. 626 00:27:39,393 --> 00:27:40,794 - At least I have the Red Hood Gang. 627 00:27:40,928 --> 00:27:42,296 I know it's cliche, 628 00:27:42,429 --> 00:27:44,098 but, look, this is a queer coming-of-age film, 629 00:27:44,231 --> 00:27:45,666 I needed a chosen family. 630 00:27:45,799 --> 00:27:47,301 And as our illegal comedy theater 631 00:27:47,434 --> 00:27:50,539 became Gotham's coolest word of mouth hipster hotspot, 632 00:27:50,671 --> 00:27:51,672 the family was growing. 633 00:27:51,805 --> 00:27:52,740 There was Killer Croc. 634 00:27:54,509 --> 00:27:55,442 Mad Hatter. 635 00:27:55,577 --> 00:27:57,745 - Most everyone is mad here. 636 00:27:57,878 --> 00:28:00,147 - Mr. Freeze. - Cool party. 637 00:28:00,281 --> 00:28:03,384 - And you had Bob the Goon. - #Goonlife, baby. 638 00:28:03,518 --> 00:28:05,019 - And Timmy Two Times, 639 00:28:05,152 --> 00:28:06,655 who got that nickname 'cause he used to say shit like. 640 00:28:06,787 --> 00:28:08,789 - I've gotta go do some poppers, do some poppers. 641 00:28:08,923 --> 00:28:11,992 - But that was the first night I saw him. 642 00:28:12,126 --> 00:28:14,495 - Now, the second amendment gets a bad rap 643 00:28:14,629 --> 00:28:15,963 from other leftists, but come on. 644 00:28:19,433 --> 00:28:22,236 - I talked to him after the midnight set last night, 645 00:28:22,369 --> 00:28:25,372 that's Jason Todd, he goes by Mr. J though. 646 00:28:25,507 --> 00:28:27,609 - Why should Punisher get to have all the fun? 647 00:28:29,678 --> 00:28:31,312 - He's really funny. 648 00:28:31,445 --> 00:28:34,448 - Do you want, I should introduce the two of you, wink wink. 649 00:28:34,583 --> 00:28:37,051 - I don't know why I would require an introduction, 650 00:28:37,184 --> 00:28:38,620 or why you're wink winking. 651 00:28:38,752 --> 00:28:40,487 - Because you're laughing at a joke so bad 652 00:28:40,622 --> 00:28:42,122 you wouldn't tell it. 653 00:28:42,256 --> 00:28:44,858 And you got cartoon hearts popping outta your eyeballs. 654 00:28:44,992 --> 00:28:47,461 - I don't know what you're talking about. 655 00:28:47,596 --> 00:28:48,963 - It's okay if you like dudes. 656 00:28:49,096 --> 00:28:51,498 - I know. 657 00:28:53,367 --> 00:28:55,369 - Do you think that stuff really helps you? 658 00:28:55,503 --> 00:28:57,004 - It makes me look less sad. 659 00:28:57,137 --> 00:29:00,007 And when I look less sad, people ask less questions. 660 00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:01,108 - You're worried about how you look 661 00:29:01,242 --> 00:29:02,876 in front of these fish sticks? 662 00:29:03,010 --> 00:29:04,778 Ah, now that's the laugh. - Point taken. 663 00:29:04,912 --> 00:29:07,481 There is literally a lady named Clayface here. 664 00:29:07,616 --> 00:29:09,651 ♪ Have a, have a good time ♪ 665 00:29:11,051 --> 00:29:12,920 Turn it off! 666 00:29:15,456 --> 00:29:16,757 Turn off your fucking alarm! 667 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:21,028 - Ah, no. 668 00:29:22,963 --> 00:29:25,165 I am so sorry I'm late. 669 00:29:25,299 --> 00:29:27,134 I, uh, overslept 670 00:29:27,268 --> 00:29:30,672 because my phone has a new operating system 671 00:29:30,804 --> 00:29:35,042 and I don't know how to use the alarm on it. 672 00:29:35,175 --> 00:29:37,144 - Well, you smell like you're still drunk. 673 00:29:37,278 --> 00:29:38,846 - If I wasn't doped up on Smylex for 20 years, 674 00:29:38,979 --> 00:29:40,080 I could probably have a drink every now and then. 675 00:29:40,214 --> 00:29:41,549 - What's that? You're mumbling. 676 00:29:41,683 --> 00:29:42,783 You know, I hate it when you mumble. 677 00:29:42,916 --> 00:29:44,552 - Where's Dad? Is he, uh, in the bathroom? 678 00:29:44,686 --> 00:29:47,388 - Um, no, he is, um, 679 00:29:47,522 --> 00:29:50,525 at a broadcasting convention in the Diamond District. 680 00:29:50,659 --> 00:29:52,226 But he wanted to be here. 681 00:29:52,359 --> 00:29:53,894 - I haven't even gotten a call from him 682 00:29:54,028 --> 00:29:55,362 in a year and a half, I'm sure he was dying- 683 00:29:55,496 --> 00:29:58,533 - It was your choice to move 2,000 miles away from home. 684 00:29:58,667 --> 00:29:59,900 And I can see it's not going well. 685 00:30:00,034 --> 00:30:01,335 - What do you mean it's not going well? 686 00:30:01,468 --> 00:30:02,836 - How do you expect them to put you on TV 687 00:30:02,970 --> 00:30:04,338 when you can't even show up sober to a brunch date 688 00:30:04,471 --> 00:30:05,573 with your mother? 689 00:30:05,707 --> 00:30:06,940 - Well, Mom, for your information, 690 00:30:07,074 --> 00:30:08,909 "UCB" actually encourages substance abuse. 691 00:30:09,043 --> 00:30:10,377 But that's irrelevant 692 00:30:10,512 --> 00:30:12,846 because I started my own comedy theater. 693 00:30:12,980 --> 00:30:15,182 - What did you just say? - You heard me. 694 00:30:15,316 --> 00:30:17,017 - Are you on drugs? - Only the one you put me on. 695 00:30:17,151 --> 00:30:18,852 - Comedy is illegal. 696 00:30:18,986 --> 00:30:21,155 - Yeah, I know. We're gonna call it anti-comedy. 697 00:30:21,288 --> 00:30:23,123 - What the hell does that mean? 698 00:30:23,257 --> 00:30:26,927 - Oh, well, it's, it's like, um, it's like Andy Kaufman, 699 00:30:27,061 --> 00:30:30,497 but with, like, the meta Woody Allen thing, 700 00:30:32,866 --> 00:30:34,703 but before the daughter stooping, of course. 701 00:30:34,835 --> 00:30:36,904 - Of course. Come home! 702 00:30:38,205 --> 00:30:39,940 I'm sure your dad could get you a job at the station. 703 00:30:40,074 --> 00:30:41,475 - Why would I wanna work with Dad? 704 00:30:41,609 --> 00:30:43,344 - I don't understand why you're doing this to me. 705 00:30:43,477 --> 00:30:44,779 You're being very selfish, 706 00:30:44,912 --> 00:30:46,180 you're being very childish. 707 00:30:46,313 --> 00:30:48,082 This whole dream of yours is very dangerous, 708 00:30:48,215 --> 00:30:49,517 and you're childish! - You're right! 709 00:30:49,651 --> 00:30:52,286 Okay, you're right, it's childish, I'm stupid. 710 00:30:52,419 --> 00:30:55,690 I'm going to fail, I am going to fail, okay? 711 00:30:55,824 --> 00:30:58,693 I will fail because I suck at comedy 712 00:30:58,827 --> 00:31:00,294 because I'm a total junkie 713 00:31:00,427 --> 00:31:01,730 and we all know whose fault that is. 714 00:31:01,862 --> 00:31:02,731 - What is that supposed to mean? 715 00:31:02,863 --> 00:31:04,264 ♪ Gray skies ♪ 716 00:31:04,398 --> 00:31:05,332 ♪ Are gonna clear up ♪ - Keep your voice down! 717 00:31:05,466 --> 00:31:06,500 You are embarrassing me. 718 00:31:06,634 --> 00:31:07,901 ♪ Put on a happy face ♪ 719 00:31:08,035 --> 00:31:09,537 - You were mentally ill, I got you help. 720 00:31:09,671 --> 00:31:10,705 - You were mentally ill! 721 00:31:10,938 --> 00:31:12,206 I wasn't! - You were mentally ill! 722 00:31:12,339 --> 00:31:13,307 - You were mentally ill! - You were mentally ill! 723 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,908 You were mentally ill! - I wasn't! 724 00:31:15,042 --> 00:31:16,110 And now I'm mentally ill because of it. 725 00:31:16,243 --> 00:31:18,045 Have a great day, Mom! 726 00:31:18,178 --> 00:31:19,880 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 727 00:31:20,013 --> 00:31:21,583 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 728 00:31:21,716 --> 00:31:22,916 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 729 00:31:25,085 --> 00:31:26,554 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 730 00:31:26,688 --> 00:31:28,088 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 731 00:31:28,222 --> 00:31:29,657 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 732 00:31:29,791 --> 00:31:31,626 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 733 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:32,993 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 734 00:31:33,127 --> 00:31:34,962 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 735 00:31:35,095 --> 00:31:36,363 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 736 00:31:36,497 --> 00:31:38,065 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 737 00:31:38,198 --> 00:31:39,900 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 738 00:31:40,033 --> 00:31:41,503 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 739 00:31:41,636 --> 00:31:42,903 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 740 00:31:43,036 --> 00:31:44,438 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 741 00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:46,473 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 742 00:31:46,608 --> 00:31:48,175 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 743 00:31:48,308 --> 00:31:49,778 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 744 00:31:49,910 --> 00:31:51,378 ♪ While I'm looking like a bitch ♪ 745 00:31:51,513 --> 00:31:53,180 ♪ Acting like a slut ♪ 746 00:31:53,313 --> 00:31:54,883 ♪ Looking like a bitch ♪ 747 00:31:55,015 --> 00:31:56,383 ♪ I am not like other girls ♪ 748 00:31:56,618 --> 00:31:59,788 ♪ I have a dick, titties out, leather jacket ♪ 749 00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:01,623 ♪ I'm causing such a racket ♪ 750 00:32:01,756 --> 00:32:02,857 ♪ Walk like a bitch ♪ 751 00:32:02,990 --> 00:32:04,793 ♪ But I talk like a faggot ♪ 752 00:32:06,795 --> 00:32:08,395 - Is there still a slot open for me tonight? 753 00:32:08,530 --> 00:32:09,764 - You got it,. 754 00:32:09,898 --> 00:32:11,331 - Oh, and, uh, when you introduce me, 755 00:32:11,465 --> 00:32:12,734 will you call me 756 00:32:12,867 --> 00:32:14,401 Joker the Harlequin? 757 00:32:15,969 --> 00:32:17,337 - Sure, you got it. 758 00:32:17,471 --> 00:32:19,541 - So that's my time, uh, tonight, folks. 759 00:32:19,674 --> 00:32:23,277 Uh, but just before I go, uh, riddle me this, 760 00:32:23,410 --> 00:32:26,280 what goes zero to 60, 761 00:32:26,413 --> 00:32:30,618 gets you laid, and tells you a new riddle every day? 762 00:32:32,486 --> 00:32:33,688 You give up? 763 00:32:33,822 --> 00:32:35,389 Uh, that would be Ridlr! 764 00:32:36,957 --> 00:32:41,663 An all-new, uh, hookup/rideshare/riddle of the day app 765 00:32:43,197 --> 00:32:44,998 that I am currently developing. 766 00:32:46,500 --> 00:32:49,203 Uh, but it's Ridlr,, R-I-D-L-R, Ridlr, 767 00:32:49,336 --> 00:32:51,438 uh, it'll be available. 768 00:32:55,008 --> 00:32:57,277 - Thank you, thank you, thanks so much. 769 00:32:57,411 --> 00:32:59,914 - Okay, let's give a warm round of applause 770 00:33:00,047 --> 00:33:02,249 for the Riddler, everybody. 771 00:33:02,382 --> 00:33:04,819 Okay, well this next act is a drag 772 00:33:04,953 --> 00:33:06,554 in a completely different way. 773 00:33:06,688 --> 00:33:10,725 Serving up fish. 774 00:33:10,859 --> 00:33:12,392 I hate myself. 775 00:33:12,527 --> 00:33:15,563 Okay, welcome to the stage, Joker the Harlequin. 776 00:33:15,697 --> 00:33:19,199 All right, yeah. 777 00:33:19,333 --> 00:33:22,369 Um, hi, I'm Joker the Harlequin. 778 00:33:22,504 --> 00:33:25,507 My pronouns are Hee and Hah. - Boo! 779 00:33:26,808 --> 00:33:28,108 - Um, for tonight's bit, 780 00:33:28,242 --> 00:33:30,712 I will need a volunteer from the audience. 781 00:33:32,379 --> 00:33:34,749 Yes, how about you? 782 00:33:34,883 --> 00:33:38,553 I need for you to describe the saddest moment in your life. 783 00:33:38,686 --> 00:33:41,656 - Uh, sure, it requires a bit of setting up, 784 00:33:41,789 --> 00:33:44,324 but I'm a botanist, or, rather, I used to be. 785 00:33:44,458 --> 00:33:46,226 Back before the cyber war, I was working at 786 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,963 Wayne Enterprises' Aboreal Preservation Project 787 00:33:49,096 --> 00:33:50,097 in South America. 788 00:33:53,033 --> 00:33:55,302 Uh- - Keep going, it's fine. 789 00:33:55,435 --> 00:33:57,037 - Uh. - When word came down 790 00:33:57,170 --> 00:33:59,306 from corporate that going forward, our project, 791 00:33:59,439 --> 00:34:01,141 my project, 792 00:34:01,275 --> 00:34:02,810 the sole focus was to find a cure 793 00:34:02,944 --> 00:34:05,245 for all the cyber mutations going on back in the states. 794 00:34:05,379 --> 00:34:06,915 I felt like my dream of helping humanity 795 00:34:07,047 --> 00:34:08,315 was finally beginning to bloom. 796 00:34:14,121 --> 00:34:15,389 - Yeah, just keep going, its fine. 797 00:34:15,523 --> 00:34:17,090 - But you're laughing at me. 798 00:34:17,224 --> 00:34:18,425 - Just keep going, I'm gonna keep doing this, so, 799 00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:20,227 it's part of the bit, it's my, this is my bit. 800 00:34:22,162 --> 00:34:24,264 - Well, as you can guess, we never found a cure. 801 00:34:31,438 --> 00:34:33,473 - You were searching for a cure, never found one, 802 00:34:33,608 --> 00:34:34,709 well, what, yeah? - I was kicked off 803 00:34:34,842 --> 00:34:35,543 the project. 804 00:34:37,512 --> 00:34:39,446 In a last-ditch effort to regain my clearance, 805 00:34:39,581 --> 00:34:43,017 I thought if I could get the toxicodendron fusion just right 806 00:34:43,150 --> 00:34:44,552 then I could find a cure. - Oh my God! 807 00:34:44,686 --> 00:34:46,453 This is so goddamn funny, I'm gonna piss my ass. 808 00:34:46,588 --> 00:34:48,155 Lacking any volunteers, 809 00:34:48,288 --> 00:34:49,456 I underwent the treatment myself. 810 00:34:51,059 --> 00:34:53,093 The results are what you, unfortunately, see here today. 811 00:34:54,596 --> 00:34:56,631 My tendons stretched into thick vines 812 00:34:56,764 --> 00:35:00,001 and sealed my skin with chlorophyll, my lips with venom. 813 00:35:01,769 --> 00:35:03,170 And do you know what Bruce Wayne was doing 814 00:35:03,303 --> 00:35:05,540 whilst my body twisted and contorted 815 00:35:05,673 --> 00:35:07,909 into the monotonous monster that stands before you? 816 00:35:08,042 --> 00:35:09,544 - What? 817 00:35:09,677 --> 00:35:11,244 - He was selling all of my research to the highest bidder. 818 00:35:25,860 --> 00:35:31,766 And that, my dear Joker, was the saddest day of my life. 819 00:35:34,602 --> 00:35:36,203 Oh, thank you so much 820 00:35:36,336 --> 00:35:37,872 for that. 821 00:35:42,010 --> 00:35:44,244 - That's my crab, the catch of the day. 822 00:35:50,417 --> 00:35:52,319 ♪ Back on my way home to you ♪ 823 00:35:56,223 --> 00:35:58,693 - Stage fright? 824 00:35:58,826 --> 00:36:00,995 - Yeah, I mean, I also just, like, come here to think 825 00:36:01,129 --> 00:36:03,230 sometimes, this is actually where I, um, 826 00:36:03,363 --> 00:36:04,899 come up with all my best ideas. 827 00:36:05,033 --> 00:36:06,299 - Oh, so is this where you came up 828 00:36:06,433 --> 00:36:08,970 with the saddest story ever told bit? 829 00:36:09,103 --> 00:36:10,638 It was so great. 830 00:36:10,772 --> 00:36:12,439 - You watched my set? - Hell, yes. 831 00:36:12,573 --> 00:36:16,176 It's not every day I meet someone funnier than me. 832 00:36:16,309 --> 00:36:18,146 - Well, um, I'm really glad I didn't know 833 00:36:18,278 --> 00:36:19,781 you were in the audience 834 00:36:19,914 --> 00:36:23,117 because, honestly, I would've been really nervous. 835 00:36:23,250 --> 00:36:24,251 - What do you mean? 836 00:36:24,384 --> 00:36:25,753 - I would've like, I don't know. 837 00:36:25,887 --> 00:36:27,354 I would've tried to impress you to be honest. 838 00:36:27,555 --> 00:36:29,423 - Well, you impressed me without even trying. 839 00:36:29,557 --> 00:36:33,995 I'm just so glad there's another queer in the theater. 840 00:36:34,128 --> 00:36:36,631 Hey, what do you say, you wanna get outta the men's room? 841 00:36:36,764 --> 00:36:38,599 - Literally every single time I've ever been in one. 842 00:36:40,702 --> 00:36:41,836 I like your tattoos, by the way. 843 00:36:41,969 --> 00:36:43,370 - Oh, thanks. 844 00:36:43,504 --> 00:36:46,074 - Did you ever meet someone who's the exact 845 00:36:46,206 --> 00:36:48,275 same kinda crazy you are? 846 00:36:48,408 --> 00:36:49,711 - When we get married, 847 00:36:49,844 --> 00:36:52,847 our first dance should be "Brick" by Ben Folds. 848 00:36:54,381 --> 00:36:56,918 Oh, is it too soon to be talking about marriage? 849 00:36:57,051 --> 00:37:00,154 - No, it's, I just usually wait until date number two 850 00:37:00,287 --> 00:37:02,156 before I start talking about abortion pop songs. 851 00:37:03,891 --> 00:37:05,126 ♪ We've never looked better ♪ 852 00:37:05,258 --> 00:37:06,259 - Can I show you something? 853 00:37:06,393 --> 00:37:07,729 ♪ We're so good together ♪ 854 00:37:07,862 --> 00:37:09,229 - Yeah. 855 00:37:10,932 --> 00:37:13,201 - I can't believe you and Penguin opened a theater 856 00:37:13,333 --> 00:37:14,702 in the amusement mile 857 00:37:14,836 --> 00:37:16,571 and you haven't explored any of the rest of it. 858 00:37:16,704 --> 00:37:19,372 - It's an abandoned theme park, it reminds me of Chernobyl. 859 00:37:19,507 --> 00:37:21,341 - Exactly, what could be more romantic 860 00:37:21,475 --> 00:37:24,045 than radioactive Soviets? 861 00:37:24,178 --> 00:37:25,580 Okay, 862 00:37:25,713 --> 00:37:26,981 open 'em. 863 00:37:32,319 --> 00:37:33,588 What's wrong? 864 00:37:33,721 --> 00:37:35,757 - Nothing. Let's go in, please. 865 00:37:48,002 --> 00:37:51,371 - So, um, I don't tell this to a lotta people, 866 00:37:51,506 --> 00:37:53,340 but, um, I'm trans. 867 00:37:55,308 --> 00:37:56,577 - What do y- 868 00:37:58,045 --> 00:37:59,180 Oh! 869 00:37:59,312 --> 00:38:00,181 Oh-oh, 870 00:38:00,313 --> 00:38:02,315 oh, well, I, okay. 871 00:38:02,449 --> 00:38:04,484 I mean, I just didn't know, I'm sorry. 872 00:38:04,619 --> 00:38:06,888 Well, I'm not sorry. 873 00:38:07,021 --> 00:38:08,189 It's just I didn't know, 874 00:38:08,355 --> 00:38:09,957 and you look like, um- - The real deal? 875 00:38:10,091 --> 00:38:11,125 - I was not 876 00:38:11,259 --> 00:38:12,627 gonna say that. 877 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:14,228 I mean, I was probably gonna say something worse, but. 878 00:38:14,361 --> 00:38:15,295 Yeah. 879 00:38:15,428 --> 00:38:16,998 - I take it as a compliment. 880 00:38:17,131 --> 00:38:20,935 I mean, I don't like buying into some sort of transphobic, 881 00:38:21,068 --> 00:38:24,437 essentialist mindset about the two genders, 882 00:38:24,572 --> 00:38:27,340 but I'd be a clown and a liar 883 00:38:27,474 --> 00:38:30,343 if I said I didn't get pretty insecure on first dates. 884 00:38:30,477 --> 00:38:32,113 - Why? You're doing great. 885 00:38:32,246 --> 00:38:36,217 - I feel like sometimes other gay guys find out I'm trans 886 00:38:36,349 --> 00:38:37,785 and they see me as belonging 887 00:38:37,919 --> 00:38:40,121 to some other category than them. 888 00:38:40,254 --> 00:38:41,722 You know, like they're the gay guy 889 00:38:41,856 --> 00:38:45,126 and I am just a gay guy with an asterisk. 890 00:38:45,259 --> 00:38:46,627 That's stupid, right? 891 00:38:46,761 --> 00:38:48,930 Being obsessed with how others might label me. 892 00:38:49,063 --> 00:38:51,599 - Not at all, I get exactly what you're saying 893 00:38:51,732 --> 00:38:55,002 because I love, liked you the moment I saw you. 894 00:38:55,136 --> 00:38:57,738 I liked you the moment I saw you is what I said. 895 00:38:57,872 --> 00:39:00,541 Um, what I'm saying is, it's hard for me 896 00:39:00,675 --> 00:39:04,444 to even fathom being in a tunnel of love with another boy. 897 00:39:04,579 --> 00:39:06,914 So I guess I have an asterisk too. 898 00:39:07,048 --> 00:39:09,750 - Well, exploring your queerness in your act 899 00:39:09,884 --> 00:39:12,419 will probably bring some understanding, no? 900 00:39:12,553 --> 00:39:13,955 - Is that what I'm doing? 901 00:39:14,088 --> 00:39:16,824 - Well, I know drag was also forced back underground 902 00:39:16,958 --> 00:39:19,392 after RuPaul's Fracking Ranch exploded 903 00:39:19,527 --> 00:39:20,928 and killed 1,000 people, 904 00:39:21,062 --> 00:39:23,798 but you're definitely the funniest drag queen 905 00:39:23,931 --> 00:39:25,032 I've ever seen. 906 00:39:26,534 --> 00:39:28,536 - Drag queen? - Oh, okay. 907 00:39:28,669 --> 00:39:31,939 Not a drag queen, just queen of my heart. 908 00:39:33,473 --> 00:39:34,609 - That works. 909 00:39:48,689 --> 00:39:50,892 So when did you know? - That I was trans? 910 00:39:51,025 --> 00:39:52,760 - Yeah, I'm sorry. 911 00:39:52,894 --> 00:39:54,427 That's probably like the most annoying question 912 00:39:54,562 --> 00:39:55,363 I could possibly ask. 913 00:39:55,495 --> 00:39:56,797 - Nah, it's fine. 914 00:39:56,931 --> 00:39:59,499 I don't remember most of my life to be honest. 915 00:39:59,634 --> 00:40:02,637 I just know I was in the bathtub one day 916 00:40:02,770 --> 00:40:06,007 and I asked myself how would I be, 917 00:40:06,140 --> 00:40:10,077 or who would I be if there were no consequences? 918 00:40:10,211 --> 00:40:14,916 Then I realized, screw the consequences, you know? 919 00:40:15,049 --> 00:40:17,484 I was willing to risk losing everything 920 00:40:17,618 --> 00:40:20,955 just to finally be myself. 921 00:40:21,088 --> 00:40:23,456 And I did lose everything. 922 00:40:23,591 --> 00:40:25,026 My family. 923 00:40:25,159 --> 00:40:26,394 - It still hurts though. 924 00:40:26,527 --> 00:40:29,230 - How do you mean? - Well, obviously, 925 00:40:29,363 --> 00:40:32,033 being yourself is more important than making anybody happy, 926 00:40:32,166 --> 00:40:34,201 even if it's your family, you could rationally 927 00:40:34,335 --> 00:40:35,603 know that in your head, but- 928 00:40:35,736 --> 00:40:37,171 - But it doesn't matter. 929 00:40:37,305 --> 00:40:41,342 You're right, uh, thankfully, I had an older boyfriend 930 00:40:41,474 --> 00:40:44,477 at the time to sorta cushion the abandonment. 931 00:40:44,612 --> 00:40:47,480 But, yeah, it still really hurts. 932 00:40:48,783 --> 00:40:53,220 Especially since he ended up being a total creepo dick. 933 00:40:55,790 --> 00:40:57,658 - Oh, um, I've never told anybody this, 934 00:40:57,792 --> 00:41:01,461 but I used to call suicide hotlines a lot. 935 00:41:01,595 --> 00:41:04,632 I wasn't suicidal, not e-every time, 936 00:41:04,765 --> 00:41:07,969 the point is, I would call suicide hotlines, 937 00:41:08,102 --> 00:41:10,838 and my cell phone was still a Smallville area code, 938 00:41:10,972 --> 00:41:13,874 so it would always connect me to the Kansas hotline. 939 00:41:14,008 --> 00:41:15,943 But that was perfect because I'd ask the operator 940 00:41:16,077 --> 00:41:17,678 what the weather was like, 941 00:41:17,812 --> 00:41:20,548 and it, I don't know, ground me. 942 00:41:22,416 --> 00:41:27,254 I'd think back to those cool Midwestern summer nights. 943 00:41:27,388 --> 00:41:28,656 I guess it's like homesickness, 944 00:41:28,789 --> 00:41:31,926 but Smallville never felt like home. 945 00:41:32,059 --> 00:41:33,828 Basically what I'm getting at is, 946 00:41:35,930 --> 00:41:37,531 I know we said that it was too early for us 947 00:41:37,665 --> 00:41:39,567 to be talking about abortion pop songs. 948 00:41:39,700 --> 00:41:41,235 - Mm-hmm? 949 00:41:41,369 --> 00:41:46,240 - Is it too early for me to say that you feel like home? 950 00:41:47,074 --> 00:41:50,578 ♪ All alone ♪ 951 00:41:50,711 --> 00:41:54,448 ♪ All alone ♪ 952 00:41:54,582 --> 00:41:55,516 ♪ All alone ♪ 953 00:41:55,649 --> 00:41:56,851 - Yeah, that's a good girl. 954 00:41:56,984 --> 00:41:58,285 - Wait, what did you just say? 955 00:41:58,419 --> 00:42:00,321 - Oh, God. - No, no, no, it's fine. 956 00:42:00,454 --> 00:42:02,089 - I am so sorry. 957 00:42:02,223 --> 00:42:04,692 - No, don't be puddin'. 958 00:42:04,825 --> 00:42:07,795 I'd like to be a good girl for you. 959 00:42:11,465 --> 00:42:14,201 Were you the first one that saw me? 960 00:42:14,668 --> 00:42:16,505 The real me? 961 00:42:19,073 --> 00:42:22,009 Boy, do I hate giving you that credit. 962 00:42:22,143 --> 00:42:23,844 - Personally, I don't think we need effective 963 00:42:23,978 --> 00:42:25,946 social programs in this country 964 00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:27,581 because we have Elmo's dad to teach us 965 00:42:27,715 --> 00:42:29,383 about racism on a Zoom call. 966 00:42:33,854 --> 00:42:37,691 ♪ A freeway to another life ♪ 967 00:42:37,825 --> 00:42:39,293 - Oh my God, you were so funny, 968 00:42:39,427 --> 00:42:41,295 the bit about the guns, hilarious. 969 00:42:41,429 --> 00:42:43,464 I was fairly certain I was in love. 970 00:42:43,597 --> 00:42:46,634 - What do you say we go home, I got some grape soda on ice, 971 00:42:46,767 --> 00:42:48,369 and a bearskin rug waiting. 972 00:42:48,502 --> 00:42:50,938 - Whatever you say, Mr. J. 973 00:42:51,072 --> 00:42:51,806 - Hunka-hunka. 974 00:42:51,939 --> 00:42:54,341 - I felt like puking and crying 975 00:42:54,975 --> 00:42:56,710 and just kissing him forever. 976 00:42:56,844 --> 00:42:59,814 And I was so afraid of feeling that way. 977 00:42:59,947 --> 00:43:01,482 But I was even more afraid 978 00:43:01,615 --> 00:43:02,817 of the feeling going away 979 00:43:02,950 --> 00:43:05,252 because, well, when I was with him, 980 00:43:07,021 --> 00:43:09,857 I don't know, he, he, he made me feel 981 00:43:09,990 --> 00:43:11,692 the way I hoped I really was. 982 00:43:13,494 --> 00:43:16,697 People don't talk enough about how cute T4T couples are. 983 00:43:16,831 --> 00:43:18,732 It's probably because those combinations of letters 984 00:43:18,866 --> 00:43:19,900 and numbers remind people of... 985 00:43:20,034 --> 00:43:21,302 Rated T for T. 986 00:43:24,506 --> 00:43:26,340 - Hey, uh, I was wondering 987 00:43:26,474 --> 00:43:28,075 if you could help me with something. 988 00:43:28,209 --> 00:43:30,878 - I can sure as hell try. 989 00:43:31,011 --> 00:43:35,015 - I, um, I wanna go, um, Joker to Harlequin. 990 00:43:35,149 --> 00:43:40,855 I know a place. 991 00:43:40,988 --> 00:43:42,356 - Say, wanna hear a joke? 992 00:43:42,490 --> 00:43:43,624 Why'd the gay clown 993 00:43:43,757 --> 00:43:44,992 dive into a vat 994 00:43:45,126 --> 00:43:46,694 of feminizing hormones at a chemical storage plan? 995 00:43:46,827 --> 00:43:48,329 'Cause gender health is inaccessible 996 00:43:48,462 --> 00:43:49,630 even in comic book movies. 997 00:43:49,763 --> 00:43:51,799 I'm kinda scared, Mr. J. 998 00:43:51,932 --> 00:43:54,468 - Don't be, gender is a social construct. 999 00:43:54,603 --> 00:43:56,704 It's a tool created by the ruling class 1000 00:43:56,837 --> 00:43:58,772 to keep the proletariat oppressed. 1001 00:43:58,906 --> 00:44:00,074 And by taking control- 1002 00:44:00,207 --> 00:44:01,642 - When you're in love 1003 00:44:01,775 --> 00:44:03,578 even the most self-righteous pop Marxist rants 1004 00:44:03,711 --> 00:44:05,913 sound like poetry. 1005 00:44:06,046 --> 00:44:07,549 It's now or never, babe. 1006 00:44:07,681 --> 00:44:09,316 - Well, see you on the other side, pudding. 1007 00:44:18,392 --> 00:44:19,894 - Freeze, Detective Bullock here, 1008 00:44:20,094 --> 00:44:21,929 we've got the Red Hood Gang. - Hold your fire. 1009 00:44:22,062 --> 00:44:23,632 - Oh my God, it's Batman. - I'll take care 1010 00:44:23,764 --> 00:44:25,534 of this my way, boys. 1011 00:44:25,666 --> 00:44:26,535 What? 1012 00:44:26,667 --> 00:44:28,570 I thought he retired. 1013 00:44:31,205 --> 00:44:32,373 - Jason! 1014 00:44:32,507 --> 00:44:34,141 - Y-you. 1015 00:44:35,776 --> 00:44:38,345 Let go of me, Bruce. 1016 00:44:40,714 --> 00:44:42,416 - Bruce, let me get a picture. 1017 00:44:42,551 --> 00:44:44,151 - Please, fellas, celebrities are people, too. 1018 00:44:44,285 --> 00:44:46,787 Oh, just make sure to tag the campaign online. 1019 00:44:46,921 --> 00:44:48,289 #Wayneiacs. 1020 00:44:49,957 --> 00:44:51,560 - Oh my God, oh my God. 1021 00:44:51,692 --> 00:44:53,694 I mean, like, this has to be a placebo effect or something, 1022 00:44:53,827 --> 00:44:57,731 like, I feel like, like me for the first time. 1023 00:44:59,568 --> 00:45:00,868 What's wrong, babe? 1024 00:45:01,001 --> 00:45:03,204 - Do you remember that ex I told you about? 1025 00:45:03,337 --> 00:45:04,772 - Yeah, the, the one that helped you out 1026 00:45:04,905 --> 00:45:06,240 during your transition? 1027 00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:10,144 - Yeah, well, I didn't tell you the whole story. 1028 00:45:10,277 --> 00:45:14,748 Before I was Jason Todd, my name was Carrie Kelley. 1029 00:45:17,351 --> 00:45:20,754 I spent most of my life in and out of orphanages. 1030 00:45:20,888 --> 00:45:22,456 And when I was 16, 1031 00:45:28,229 --> 00:45:31,265 I didn't understand why a billionaire would want to adopt 1032 00:45:31,398 --> 00:45:34,802 a little butch shell-shocked from the cyber wars, 1033 00:45:34,935 --> 00:45:39,106 but daytime was about studying, training. 1034 00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:43,410 And the night, 1035 00:45:46,715 --> 00:45:48,382 the night was ours. 1036 00:45:50,751 --> 00:45:52,753 When I finally came out to Bruce as trans, 1037 00:45:52,886 --> 00:45:54,822 I was so sure he'd kick me out, 1038 00:45:54,955 --> 00:45:59,059 but he, he didn't, he, he did everything right. 1039 00:45:59,193 --> 00:46:04,465 He paid for my transition and he seemed excited. 1040 00:46:04,599 --> 00:46:09,103 I thought he was the first one who saw me, the real me. 1041 00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:16,977 The lady at Gotham Social Services called it grooming. 1042 00:46:17,111 --> 00:46:20,381 All I know is a few months into my transition, 1043 00:46:20,515 --> 00:46:22,651 Bruce made a move. 1044 00:46:22,783 --> 00:46:24,952 At the time, I thought it was exciting. 1045 00:46:25,085 --> 00:46:26,987 You know, the older guy, rich, 1046 00:46:27,121 --> 00:46:28,989 I didn't even think it was weird 1047 00:46:29,123 --> 00:46:33,294 that he was basically my dad or that he made me sign an NDA. 1048 00:46:33,427 --> 00:46:36,163 Oh, what would Gotham think if they found out 1049 00:46:36,297 --> 00:46:39,233 that Batman was dating a trans man? 1050 00:46:39,366 --> 00:46:43,937 Thank God I found out I wasn't the only Robin. 1051 00:46:44,071 --> 00:46:49,176 One night I caught him teaching jujitsu to this young kid, 1052 00:46:49,977 --> 00:46:51,412 he couldn't have been more than 14. 1053 00:46:51,613 --> 00:46:55,416 I, we got in a huge fight and I trashed our hide out. 1054 00:46:55,550 --> 00:46:58,952 And I said I was leaving, and he told me he'd find me, 1055 00:46:59,086 --> 00:47:01,188 so I went underground, 1056 00:47:02,489 --> 00:47:04,291 and now, 1057 00:47:04,425 --> 00:47:08,563 he found me. 1058 00:47:09,731 --> 00:47:12,299 - Jason, I'm, I'm really sorry. 1059 00:47:12,433 --> 00:47:13,334 I don't, 1060 00:47:16,303 --> 00:47:19,840 I, I can, I can't imagine what you're feeling 1061 00:47:19,973 --> 00:47:22,042 right now seeing him again. 1062 00:47:22,176 --> 00:47:24,445 - I don't feel anything. 1063 00:47:27,181 --> 00:47:31,118 - Well, the good news is, I'm not going anywhere. 1064 00:47:32,687 --> 00:47:36,323 I'm gonna be right here by your side forever. 1065 00:47:37,659 --> 00:47:41,395 And- 1066 00:47:41,529 --> 00:47:44,131 When they show abusive relationships in movies, 1067 00:47:44,264 --> 00:47:46,835 they're always the beer-bellied wife-beater, 1068 00:47:46,967 --> 00:47:49,403 it's never a 90-pound trans dude. 1069 00:47:49,537 --> 00:47:51,338 And if it's not like that in the movies, 1070 00:47:51,472 --> 00:47:54,475 how's a girl like me supposed to know to look for the signs? 1071 00:47:54,609 --> 00:47:55,976 So, boys, ghouls, 1072 00:47:56,110 --> 00:47:57,679 and all my non-boo-nary friends, 1073 00:47:57,812 --> 00:48:02,015 here's Joker the Harlequin's patented list of warning signs 1074 00:48:02,149 --> 00:48:04,786 to look for in a potential narcissistic emotional abuser. 1075 00:48:04,918 --> 00:48:06,320 Number one, he negs you. 1076 00:48:06,453 --> 00:48:08,322 - It's not every day I meet someone funnier than me. 1077 00:48:08,455 --> 00:48:10,792 - Number two, he makes it clear that his trauma 1078 00:48:10,924 --> 00:48:12,493 is more important than yours. 1079 00:48:12,627 --> 00:48:13,994 - At least you met your dad. 1080 00:48:14,128 --> 00:48:15,864 - And number three. 1081 00:48:15,996 --> 00:48:17,565 - I hear Batman's picking Dent as his running mate, 1082 00:48:17,699 --> 00:48:19,400 and it's a good thing they're running though, 1083 00:48:19,534 --> 00:48:22,136 since we all know women can't drive. 1084 00:48:22,269 --> 00:48:24,037 - I mean, if he's a comedian, just run for the hills. 1085 00:48:24,171 --> 00:48:25,372 Guilty till proven innocent. 1086 00:48:25,507 --> 00:48:28,142 Don't date comedians, please, ever. 1087 00:48:30,377 --> 00:48:33,113 - Vice Presidential candidate Gilda Dent was injured 1088 00:48:33,247 --> 00:48:35,215 in an acid attack that authorities are linking 1089 00:48:35,349 --> 00:48:37,317 to the online act of- - Let's be real, 1090 00:48:37,451 --> 00:48:39,119 I could Mxyzptlk myself back in time 1091 00:48:39,253 --> 00:48:41,255 to give young Joker that advice, 1092 00:48:41,388 --> 00:48:43,190 but she'd be too busy riding the high 1093 00:48:43,323 --> 00:48:46,160 of her hormonal Jokerification to ever listen. 1094 00:48:46,293 --> 00:48:48,295 - On the bright side, this election could bring us 1095 00:48:48,429 --> 00:48:51,098 the first psychologically-damaged Vice President. 1096 00:48:51,231 --> 00:48:52,801 - Shatter that glass ceiling, queen. 1097 00:48:52,933 --> 00:48:55,235 - With estrogen finally coursing through my veins 1098 00:48:55,369 --> 00:48:57,104 or wherever estrogen goes, 1099 00:48:57,237 --> 00:48:59,841 I finally had the confidence to play with my wardrobe a bit. 1100 00:48:59,973 --> 00:49:01,275 Sure, people stared sometimes, 1101 00:49:01,408 --> 00:49:03,010 but if I wore my clown makeup. 1102 00:49:03,143 --> 00:49:04,278 - Clowns are so funny. 1103 00:49:04,411 --> 00:49:05,780 - Meanwhile... 1104 00:49:05,914 --> 00:49:06,915 - And then I landed on the ground 1105 00:49:07,047 --> 00:49:08,248 and there were cats nibbling my face, 1106 00:49:09,884 --> 00:49:11,218 and they were nibbling my fingers, 1107 00:49:11,351 --> 00:49:12,787 they were nibbling my toes, 1108 00:49:14,054 --> 00:49:15,189 and that's how I became Catwoman. 1109 00:49:19,727 --> 00:49:22,396 - It's the 47th season premiere of "Serve the Date." 1110 00:49:22,530 --> 00:49:24,398 All right, ladies, 1111 00:49:24,532 --> 00:49:27,000 the eligible billionaire bachelor 1112 00:49:27,134 --> 00:49:28,368 who's heart you'll be - You have got 1113 00:49:28,502 --> 00:49:30,003 to be kidding me. - Hoping to steal is... 1114 00:49:30,137 --> 00:49:31,606 - What's wrong, babe? - It's been a long, 1115 00:49:31,739 --> 00:49:33,240 dark night. - Oh. 1116 00:49:33,373 --> 00:49:35,175 - But my whole life has led me to this moment. 1117 00:49:35,309 --> 00:49:37,244 - He's on this season of "Serve the Date." 1118 00:49:37,377 --> 00:49:38,580 - I have never seen a man 1119 00:49:38,713 --> 00:49:41,014 so desperate to appear straight. 1120 00:49:41,148 --> 00:49:43,918 - I mean, he's more than just a closet gay guy Joker, 1121 00:49:44,051 --> 00:49:46,119 I was 17. 1122 00:49:46,253 --> 00:49:47,988 - He's so mysterious. - I know, I, I'm sorry, 1123 00:49:48,121 --> 00:49:50,257 I, I didn't forget, I just misspoke. 1124 00:49:50,390 --> 00:49:51,759 This is Joker, leave a message. 1125 00:49:54,027 --> 00:49:54,829 It's your mother. 1126 00:49:54,963 --> 00:49:55,897 - Come on, SC, can't you go 1127 00:49:56,029 --> 00:49:56,965 five minutes - Hello? 1128 00:49:57,097 --> 00:49:57,765 - without killing yourself? 1129 00:49:57,899 --> 00:49:58,967 - Nope. - Okay. 1130 00:49:59,099 --> 00:50:01,268 Well, I'm coming to Gotham. 1131 00:50:01,401 --> 00:50:03,036 - Oh, Jesus. - I, I haven't seen you 1132 00:50:03,170 --> 00:50:06,741 in months and I, I'm sorry for what happened. 1133 00:50:06,875 --> 00:50:08,375 - Hi, I'm Batman, and in two days, 1134 00:50:08,510 --> 00:50:10,377 I'll be hosting "UCB Live" - What the hell is this? 1135 00:50:10,512 --> 00:50:12,212 - with musical guest- - Every channel! 1136 00:50:13,982 --> 00:50:16,483 - Just call me back if you want. 1137 00:50:16,618 --> 00:50:19,353 Did you just shoot my TV? 1138 00:50:19,486 --> 00:50:22,022 - Did you just screen a phone call from your mom? 1139 00:50:22,155 --> 00:50:23,858 - Excuse me? - You just ignored 1140 00:50:23,992 --> 00:50:26,628 a phone call from the woman who brought you into this world. 1141 00:50:26,761 --> 00:50:29,931 - Yeah, I haven't spoken with my mom in six months, 1142 00:50:30,063 --> 00:50:31,866 so I ignored a phone call from her. 1143 00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:33,200 - God, you are- - And you just shot 1144 00:50:33,333 --> 00:50:35,302 my goddamn TV. - You are so selfish! 1145 00:50:35,435 --> 00:50:37,237 I'd give anything to meet my real mom. 1146 00:50:37,371 --> 00:50:39,339 And all you can do is just shit all over yours. 1147 00:50:39,473 --> 00:50:40,742 - What is going on with you? 1148 00:50:41,108 --> 00:50:44,646 You're acting insane. - Ah, shut up, Drew! 1149 00:50:46,014 --> 00:50:48,315 You are so emotionally abusive. 1150 00:50:48,448 --> 00:50:50,852 - It's time for you to get outta my house, Jason, leave! 1151 00:50:50,985 --> 00:50:51,853 Number four, 1152 00:50:51,986 --> 00:50:53,487 they gaslight you. 1153 00:50:53,621 --> 00:50:57,257 - You're selfish for complaining about your unbroken home. 1154 00:50:57,391 --> 00:50:58,726 - I'm selfish for complaining 1155 00:50:58,860 --> 00:51:00,327 about my unbroken home. - You should forgive me 1156 00:51:00,460 --> 00:51:02,030 for destroying your TV. - I should forgive you 1157 00:51:02,162 --> 00:51:03,565 for destroying my TV. 1158 00:51:03,698 --> 00:51:05,265 - 'Cause I have PTSD. 1159 00:51:05,399 --> 00:51:09,604 - 'Cause I have PTSD. - No, I have PTSD. 1160 00:51:09,737 --> 00:51:12,339 - No, I have PTSD. 1161 00:51:12,472 --> 00:51:16,243 - Now, we're gonna go to bed. - Now, we're gonna go to bed. 1162 00:51:16,376 --> 00:51:18,245 Because you're my girl. 1163 00:51:18,378 --> 00:51:23,483 - I'm your girl. 1164 00:51:29,557 --> 00:51:30,725 This November, 1165 00:51:30,858 --> 00:51:31,826 be sure to cast your Bat vote 1166 00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:33,493 for me, Batman. - Yeah, right. 1167 00:51:33,628 --> 00:51:35,763 When are you gonna stop hiding the two-faced running mate 1168 00:51:35,897 --> 00:51:37,197 you got from the people of Gotham? 1169 00:51:37,331 --> 00:51:38,533 - Penguin. - I'm sorry, 1170 00:51:38,666 --> 00:51:40,233 this creep just ruffles my feathers. 1171 00:51:40,367 --> 00:51:41,669 - Well, if this press tour has been any indication 1172 00:51:41,803 --> 00:51:44,204 of things, my relationship's not gonna survive one term 1173 00:51:44,338 --> 00:51:46,340 under a Wayne presidency. - Today's suicide count. 1174 00:51:46,473 --> 00:51:47,742 Is it true what they say about you? 1175 00:51:47,875 --> 00:51:49,242 - So what do you think? - Sorry, about what? 1176 00:51:49,376 --> 00:51:51,546 - About Mr. J., I mean, he called me my old name 1177 00:51:51,679 --> 00:51:53,347 and he didn't even know me as that. 1178 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,215 He said it just to hurt my feelings. 1179 00:51:55,349 --> 00:51:56,651 He messed up. - Look, you're dating 1180 00:51:56,784 --> 00:51:59,186 a 27-year-old comedian, I mean, you gotta know 1181 00:51:59,319 --> 00:52:00,521 what you're getting into. 1182 00:52:00,655 --> 00:52:03,357 - What am I doing with my life? 1183 00:52:03,490 --> 00:52:04,792 What did you wanna be when you grew up? 1184 00:52:04,926 --> 00:52:06,226 - It's kind of 1185 00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:08,930 embarrassing to say, but I wanted be a cop. 1186 00:52:09,063 --> 00:52:11,164 - You got the body for it. - I thought clowns 1187 00:52:11,298 --> 00:52:12,299 were supposed to be funny. 1188 00:52:12,432 --> 00:52:13,534 - Why did you wanna be a cop? 1189 00:52:13,668 --> 00:52:15,402 - I just, I wanted to help people, 1190 00:52:15,536 --> 00:52:18,106 not just be some fat comedian in an abandoned warehouse. 1191 00:52:18,238 --> 00:52:19,574 - Comedy helps people. 1192 00:52:19,707 --> 00:52:21,876 - Last night during your set, you sang "He Hit Me" 1193 00:52:22,010 --> 00:52:23,945 by The Crystals while Bob the Goon 1194 00:52:24,078 --> 00:52:25,379 threw dildos in your face. 1195 00:52:25,513 --> 00:52:27,615 - Okay, how about this, smartass? 1196 00:52:27,749 --> 00:52:30,150 Some comedy helps people, some comedy exists 1197 00:52:30,283 --> 00:52:31,485 just to distract people from the fact 1198 00:52:31,619 --> 00:52:33,186 that they're gonna die alone screaming. 1199 00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:35,322 That's usually accomplished with a pie to the face 1200 00:52:35,455 --> 00:52:37,457 or a rubber penis. - Well, what about you? 1201 00:52:37,592 --> 00:52:39,027 - What do you mean? 1202 00:52:39,159 --> 00:52:40,028 - What did you wanna be when you grew up? 1203 00:52:40,160 --> 00:52:40,795 - Oh, 1204 00:52:41,896 --> 00:52:42,964 a harlequin. 1205 00:52:43,097 --> 00:52:44,866 - Well, it looks like you got it. 1206 00:52:47,234 --> 00:52:48,201 - Yeah. - It's a shame 1207 00:52:48,335 --> 00:52:49,871 you didn't stick it out in "UCB" 1208 00:52:50,004 --> 00:52:52,305 while you were still a dude, you know, become a jokeman, 1209 00:52:52,439 --> 00:52:55,643 then transition and be the first harlequin on the main cast. 1210 00:52:55,777 --> 00:52:59,413 Blow that shit up from the inside. Was that transphobic? 1211 00:52:59,547 --> 00:53:00,982 - What? - I didn't mean 1212 00:53:01,115 --> 00:53:02,416 to be transphobic. - I wasn't listening 1213 00:53:02,550 --> 00:53:04,251 'cause I think I just got an idea 1214 00:53:04,384 --> 00:53:06,054 that's gonna solve both of my problems. 1215 00:53:06,186 --> 00:53:07,955 - We're hatching a plan! 1216 00:53:08,089 --> 00:53:09,157 - Did we pay the Wi-Fi bill? 1217 00:53:09,289 --> 00:53:10,658 - We have Wi-Fi in here? 1218 00:53:10,792 --> 00:53:12,325 - You figure that out, get the gang together. 1219 00:53:12,459 --> 00:53:14,729 I'm gonna go home, finish my makeup, dry off my pits, 1220 00:53:14,862 --> 00:53:16,296 and when I get back here, 1221 00:53:16,430 --> 00:53:17,932 we're gonna hack the Batdrones and do some anti-comedy. 1222 00:53:19,734 --> 00:53:21,368 - You think this collection of near homeless alcoholics 1223 00:53:21,501 --> 00:53:23,037 knows how to hack anything? 1224 00:53:23,171 --> 00:53:25,873 - Our entire cast is comprised of incels and trans women, 1225 00:53:26,007 --> 00:53:27,742 at least one of them studied coding in high school. 1226 00:53:27,875 --> 00:53:29,376 Just figure it out, Penguin, Jesus. 1227 00:53:29,510 --> 00:53:30,945 - Ha, that was definitely transphobic. 1228 00:53:35,248 --> 00:53:36,316 Oh my God! 1229 00:53:36,450 --> 00:53:37,618 - Can we talk? 1230 00:53:37,752 --> 00:53:39,386 - No, you broke into my apartment. 1231 00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:41,589 - But I, I, I came to apologize. 1232 00:53:41,723 --> 00:53:43,323 - This is like the worst possible time. 1233 00:53:43,457 --> 00:53:45,526 - I'm better now and I'm talking to someone. 1234 00:53:45,660 --> 00:53:48,261 I'm talking about my mother. 1235 00:53:49,197 --> 00:53:50,865 You look different. 1236 00:53:51,799 --> 00:53:53,701 - Yeah, thanks, is that your apology? 1237 00:53:53,835 --> 00:53:56,470 - I thought you'd be happy to see me and, 1238 00:53:56,604 --> 00:53:57,939 and hear that I'm, I'm working on myself. 1239 00:53:58,072 --> 00:54:01,408 - I am thrilled, but I have to get ready for a show. 1240 00:54:01,542 --> 00:54:04,078 - Oh! Then you must let me come to your show. 1241 00:54:04,212 --> 00:54:05,646 - Absolutely not. 1242 00:54:05,780 --> 00:54:07,181 - Why not? 1243 00:54:07,314 --> 00:54:09,483 - Because I wear fishnets and I get up on stage 1244 00:54:09,617 --> 00:54:11,753 and I say gross shit, and I don't need to deal with you 1245 00:54:11,886 --> 00:54:14,122 being pissed off about that. - Look, I flew all the way 1246 00:54:14,254 --> 00:54:15,790 to Gotham to make things right. 1247 00:54:15,923 --> 00:54:18,793 Please, let me, I'm a grown woman, I can handle it. 1248 00:54:18,926 --> 00:54:20,695 - Fine, then you're also gonna meet the boy 1249 00:54:20,828 --> 00:54:22,063 I'm sleeping with. 1250 00:54:22,196 --> 00:54:23,765 - Oh, oh, okay. 1251 00:54:25,365 --> 00:54:26,801 Well, um, I am, um, 1252 00:54:30,071 --> 00:54:32,573 I am proud to have a gay son. 1253 00:54:34,909 --> 00:54:38,012 Thank you for sharing that with me,. 1254 00:54:38,146 --> 00:54:41,348 - You're welcome, thank you for receiving it so warmly. 1255 00:54:41,481 --> 00:54:43,084 Um, I also, you should know, 1256 00:54:43,217 --> 00:54:44,752 don't really go by anymore. 1257 00:54:44,886 --> 00:54:46,453 I've been having people call me Joker. 1258 00:54:46,587 --> 00:54:47,955 - Ugh, so your name's not good enough for you now? 1259 00:54:48,089 --> 00:54:49,422 - Just meet me at the theater. 1260 00:54:49,557 --> 00:54:51,125 Goddammit, Mom! 1261 00:54:51,259 --> 00:54:54,262 ♪ I can't wait to Serve the Date ♪ 1262 00:54:54,394 --> 00:54:55,563 - How are we looking on time, guys? 1263 00:54:55,696 --> 00:54:57,899 My pits are dry. - Camera's ready. 1264 00:54:58,032 --> 00:54:59,767 How are we looking Anarky? 1265 00:54:59,901 --> 00:55:01,468 - He's so dark and mysterious. - The Riddler, Gus Gorman, 1266 00:55:01,602 --> 00:55:03,938 'cause I'm rolling, baby, and you're hacking. 1267 00:55:04,071 --> 00:55:05,807 - Plus, I've always wanted to sleep with an orphan. 1268 00:55:05,940 --> 00:55:07,775 - These are the "Serve the Date" ladies, 1269 00:55:07,909 --> 00:55:10,511 no completely heterosexual man could resist them, 1270 00:55:10,645 --> 00:55:12,246 especially one like me. 1271 00:55:13,748 --> 00:55:15,415 - Hi, I'm comedy's Joker the Harlequin, 1272 00:55:15,550 --> 00:55:17,552 and you probably don't recognize me from anywhere, 1273 00:55:17,685 --> 00:55:18,886 but if you're anything like me, 1274 00:55:19,020 --> 00:55:21,155 you are sick of hearing from this dope. 1275 00:55:21,289 --> 00:55:23,624 I mean, we gotta watch him normalizing white-collar crime 1276 00:55:23,758 --> 00:55:26,326 with a bunch of girl bosses on an asinine reality show. 1277 00:55:26,459 --> 00:55:27,695 If only he'd make 1278 00:55:27,829 --> 00:55:29,096 a special guest appearance on "Suicide Cop" 1279 00:55:29,230 --> 00:55:30,298 one of these days and stand directly 1280 00:55:30,430 --> 00:55:31,833 behind him at, 1281 00:55:31,966 --> 00:55:33,333 you know, the precise moment that we would want that. 1282 00:55:33,466 --> 00:55:35,636 Not to mention the fact that we got his drones 1283 00:55:35,770 --> 00:55:38,272 flying around the city and up our asses and butts 1284 00:55:38,405 --> 00:55:40,241 anytime we wanna go on a walk with our wife, 1285 00:55:40,373 --> 00:55:41,509 with our kids. 1286 00:55:41,642 --> 00:55:42,743 That's why the most 1287 00:55:42,877 --> 00:55:45,213 responsible thing for "UCB Live" to do 1288 00:55:45,345 --> 00:55:47,648 is to have me on as a guest host tomorrow 1289 00:55:47,782 --> 00:55:49,482 and not the Batman. 1290 00:55:49,617 --> 00:55:52,520 I know you're watching Lorne Michaels, I know you are. 1291 00:55:52,653 --> 00:55:55,122 And you can do this willingly, or you can ignore this 1292 00:55:55,256 --> 00:55:56,724 and I'll just hack into your show. 1293 00:55:56,858 --> 00:55:58,593 I hacked into "Serve the Date," 1294 00:55:58,726 --> 00:56:00,161 clearly I know how to hack, 1295 00:56:00,294 --> 00:56:01,963 and I'll hack the world if I have to 1296 00:56:02,096 --> 00:56:05,398 'cause I'm the Joker, baby, and I'm a woman of my word. 1297 00:56:23,517 --> 00:56:25,953 - Well, - Hmm. 1298 00:56:26,087 --> 00:56:27,855 - that was, um. - Yeah. 1299 00:56:30,725 --> 00:56:35,563 - Do you, um, um, um, perform here as well? 1300 00:56:35,696 --> 00:56:38,799 - Oh, every now and then, I also do online anarchy, 1301 00:56:38,933 --> 00:56:41,035 chaos podcasting, stuff like that. 1302 00:56:41,168 --> 00:56:42,937 - Oh, okay, okay, okay. 1303 00:56:44,505 --> 00:56:45,806 I tried. - What? 1304 00:56:45,940 --> 00:56:47,675 - I tried and, and it's my fault. 1305 00:56:47,808 --> 00:56:49,176 I'm the one that convinced you to let me into your world. 1306 00:56:49,310 --> 00:56:51,979 You tried to warn me and I, I should've listened,. 1307 00:56:52,113 --> 00:56:53,714 - Joker! - Why? 1308 00:56:53,848 --> 00:56:56,350 - Because it feels like me, I don't know how to explain it. 1309 00:56:56,483 --> 00:56:58,619 Just call me Joker! - A, a, a boy dressed 1310 00:56:58,753 --> 00:57:00,821 in women's clothing, acting filthy and angry 1311 00:57:00,955 --> 00:57:02,757 at his mother, this is you, what happened? 1312 00:57:02,890 --> 00:57:04,292 You used to be such a happy little boy. 1313 00:57:04,659 --> 00:57:08,495 - I've never been happy one fucking day in my life! 1314 00:57:13,701 --> 00:57:15,770 - Breaking the law, you are lucky 1315 00:57:15,903 --> 00:57:17,538 that Batman doesn't swoop down from the sky 1316 00:57:17,672 --> 00:57:18,706 and lock you into Arkham Asylum. 1317 00:57:22,843 --> 00:57:26,380 ♪ If I got shot ♪ 1318 00:57:26,514 --> 00:57:28,749 ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ - Already spawned 1319 00:57:28,883 --> 00:57:31,752 a fair share of copycat clown crime. 1320 00:57:31,886 --> 00:57:33,421 - Two women wearing clown masks 1321 00:57:33,554 --> 00:57:35,189 were arrested. - Disgraced tech billionaire, 1322 00:57:35,323 --> 00:57:36,657 Edward Nygma. - Lorne Michaels, 1323 00:57:36,791 --> 00:57:39,393 that Canadian cuck, he's saying the whole thing 1324 00:57:39,527 --> 00:57:40,895 is a prank. - It's like an Ellen thing, 1325 00:57:41,028 --> 00:57:42,730 before all the unpleasantness, of course. 1326 00:57:44,497 --> 00:57:45,967 - This really isn't what cameo is for, 1327 00:57:46,100 --> 00:57:49,403 and I cannot legally do any of this stuff. 1328 00:57:49,537 --> 00:57:51,605 - As far as I can tell, this is a clear cut case 1329 00:57:51,739 --> 00:57:53,074 of copyright infringement. 1330 00:57:53,207 --> 00:57:54,875 And I should know, I'm the lucky son of a gun 1331 00:57:55,009 --> 00:57:56,310 who's married to Betty Boop. 1332 00:57:56,444 --> 00:57:58,012 - Of course, she slays politically, 1333 00:57:58,145 --> 00:58:00,748 but Joker is also so funny for a Harlequin. 1334 00:58:00,881 --> 00:58:02,249 - Who would make up such a crazy joke 1335 00:58:02,383 --> 00:58:04,352 like Batman being a villain? 1336 00:58:04,484 --> 00:58:06,020 Come on, that's genius. 1337 00:58:06,153 --> 00:58:07,555 - I need some air, 1338 00:58:07,688 --> 00:58:08,556 text if you need me. - Are we calling this person 1339 00:58:08,689 --> 00:58:09,557 she in the Caitlyn Jenner way, 1340 00:58:09,690 --> 00:58:10,324 - Okay. - or the RuPaul 1341 00:58:10,458 --> 00:58:11,759 frack ranch way? 1342 00:58:11,892 --> 00:58:14,729 - No clue. 1343 00:58:14,862 --> 00:58:17,298 - He's so rude. - Oh, whatever, Mom. 1344 00:58:17,431 --> 00:58:19,967 So are you, so am I, we all are. 1345 00:58:24,605 --> 00:58:26,574 - Do you really feel that way? 1346 00:58:26,707 --> 00:58:30,244 - About what? 1347 00:58:32,413 --> 00:58:37,151 - That you and I don't have one happy memory between us? 1348 00:58:40,654 --> 00:58:42,089 - I really do. 1349 00:58:43,657 --> 00:58:46,127 When I really think about it, 1350 00:58:47,628 --> 00:58:50,297 I, I can't think of any, 1351 00:58:53,934 --> 00:58:54,835 can you? 1352 00:58:58,172 --> 00:58:59,040 - No. 1353 00:59:01,976 --> 00:59:04,345 I think that's why it hurts so bad. 1354 00:59:08,115 --> 00:59:09,917 Sorry. 1355 00:59:10,051 --> 00:59:11,685 Hello? - Lorne Michaels here. 1356 00:59:11,819 --> 00:59:13,354 Is this a good time? - Uh, yeah, it's a great time. 1357 00:59:13,487 --> 00:59:14,755 I'm sorr- - Don't be. 1358 00:59:14,889 --> 00:59:16,957 I own 50% of "Serve the Date" 1359 00:59:17,091 --> 00:59:18,626 and it was the highest ratings we've had 1360 00:59:18,759 --> 00:59:20,194 since our Death Row season. 1361 00:59:20,327 --> 00:59:22,496 And, in fact, your little routine has given us all 1362 00:59:22,630 --> 00:59:23,964 a major wake up call 1363 00:59:24,098 --> 00:59:25,833 'cause we're putting together an all-new cast 1364 00:59:25,966 --> 00:59:28,803 and this one's gonna be diverse. 1365 00:59:31,772 --> 00:59:34,408 - Oh, um, good job. 1366 00:59:34,543 --> 00:59:36,310 - Thank you. I know. 1367 00:59:36,444 --> 00:59:38,712 I just wanna see if you would consider joining. 1368 00:59:38,846 --> 00:59:40,448 - You want me to join "UCB Live" 1369 00:59:40,581 --> 00:59:41,916 after the night I just put you through? 1370 00:59:42,049 --> 00:59:43,518 - Not only that, I would like 1371 00:59:43,651 --> 00:59:45,686 you to host the show tomorrow. 1372 00:59:45,820 --> 00:59:46,954 - You're bumping the Batman? 1373 00:59:47,088 --> 00:59:48,722 - Honey, you're bumping the Batman. 1374 00:59:48,856 --> 00:59:50,624 - You've gotta be joking. - I don't joke, 1375 00:59:50,758 --> 00:59:52,126 I leave that to my cast. 1376 00:59:52,259 --> 00:59:53,761 The writers are all so very talented, 1377 00:59:53,894 --> 00:59:55,362 so I really couldn't tell you why the show 1378 00:59:55,496 --> 00:59:57,631 as a whole is so uneven, jost, 1379 00:59:57,765 --> 00:59:59,934 comedy is subjective, of course. 1380 01:00:00,067 --> 01:00:01,570 Either way, it's definitely 1381 01:00:01,702 --> 01:00:03,204 time for me to retire. - Number five, 1382 01:00:03,337 --> 01:00:05,806 he steals your medication. - Anyway, I'll see you 1383 01:00:05,940 --> 01:00:07,576 at the studio tomorrow mañana. 1384 01:00:07,708 --> 01:00:09,043 - Tomorrow morning? - That's right. 1385 01:00:09,176 --> 01:00:11,679 9:00 am your accelerated training begins. 1386 01:00:11,812 --> 01:00:13,214 - Do I still have to pay tuition? 1387 01:00:13,347 --> 01:00:15,416 - Don't be silly, we just dock it from your pay. 1388 01:00:18,319 --> 01:00:19,753 - Did you take my Smylex? 1389 01:00:19,887 --> 01:00:20,888 - Yeah, so what? 1390 01:00:21,021 --> 01:00:22,790 I didn't want you to get high 1391 01:00:22,923 --> 01:00:25,759 and be unable to have this conversation with me. 1392 01:00:25,893 --> 01:00:27,461 - What? - How could you do that? 1393 01:00:27,596 --> 01:00:28,395 - Do what? 1394 01:00:28,629 --> 01:00:30,231 - That stunt back there. 1395 01:00:30,364 --> 01:00:34,001 You put yourself and all of our friends in so much trouble. 1396 01:00:34,135 --> 01:00:36,538 Do you realize how powerful Wayne is? 1397 01:00:36,670 --> 01:00:37,872 - Yeah, I know how powerful Wayne is. 1398 01:00:38,005 --> 01:00:40,808 I did this because of, for you kinda. 1399 01:00:40,941 --> 01:00:43,377 - Clout chasing, edgelord horseshit! 1400 01:00:43,512 --> 01:00:44,879 - Let go of me, Jason! 1401 01:00:45,012 --> 01:00:46,780 - You slapped the inhaler out of my hand earlier, 1402 01:00:46,914 --> 01:00:51,318 you hypocrite, I, I do not feel safe around you. 1403 01:00:51,952 --> 01:00:53,954 - My mom is in the emergency room. 1404 01:00:54,088 --> 01:00:57,291 - God, Joker, it's always about you. 1405 01:00:58,259 --> 01:00:59,793 - Whatever you say, Mr. J. 1406 01:00:59,927 --> 01:01:01,596 - Where the hell are you going? 1407 01:01:01,729 --> 01:01:05,166 - I can't do this anymore, I can't, we're done. 1408 01:01:05,299 --> 01:01:06,867 - Please, no. - Please don't touch me, 1409 01:01:07,001 --> 01:01:08,235 please. - Look, 1410 01:01:09,638 --> 01:01:12,072 don't leave me, 1411 01:01:12,206 --> 01:01:15,075 you're all I have, I'm all you have. 1412 01:01:15,209 --> 01:01:19,346 A-and I, I love you. 1413 01:01:22,216 --> 01:01:25,286 - Then, please, just leave me alone. 1414 01:01:36,163 --> 01:01:38,866 Jesus Christ, what happened here? 1415 01:01:38,999 --> 01:01:40,635 - Well, because of your little stunt, 1416 01:01:40,768 --> 01:01:44,639 Batman and a bunch of Gordon's pigs decided to raid our ass. 1417 01:01:44,772 --> 01:01:46,874 - Is everybody okay? 1418 01:01:47,007 --> 01:01:48,275 - Are you okay? 1419 01:01:48,409 --> 01:01:50,778 - Yeah, I've never been better, Penguin. 1420 01:01:50,911 --> 01:01:53,080 - Is your mom okay? - Nope. 1421 01:01:53,214 --> 01:01:56,150 But you're gonna do a shot with me 1422 01:01:56,283 --> 01:01:59,019 because I have some really good news. 1423 01:01:59,153 --> 01:02:00,788 - You're so hopped up on Smylex 1424 01:02:00,921 --> 01:02:02,823 that you're gonna start a new theater with me 1425 01:02:02,957 --> 01:02:04,458 somewhere in this town? - No, there's not gonna be 1426 01:02:04,593 --> 01:02:05,826 starting a new theater 1427 01:02:05,960 --> 01:02:07,962 because I shattered the glass ceiling 1428 01:02:08,095 --> 01:02:10,164 that is "UCB Live." - What? 1429 01:02:10,297 --> 01:02:11,633 - Yeah, Lorne called me, Michaels, 1430 01:02:11,765 --> 01:02:13,167 he loved the video we did. 1431 01:02:13,300 --> 01:02:16,003 And he wants to put me on an all-new cast, 1432 01:02:16,136 --> 01:02:19,173 it's a diversity cast. - And you said yes to this? 1433 01:02:19,306 --> 01:02:21,809 - I mean, I didn't say no. Why would I say no? 1434 01:02:21,942 --> 01:02:22,977 - I, I don't know what to say. 1435 01:02:23,110 --> 01:02:24,512 - Oh, I'm speechless, too. 1436 01:02:24,646 --> 01:02:27,515 - You're messed up, you crafted this entire persona 1437 01:02:27,649 --> 01:02:29,183 on being outside the mainstream, 1438 01:02:29,316 --> 01:02:31,118 then the second you get invited to the table, 1439 01:02:31,252 --> 01:02:32,987 you start kissing Lorne Michaels' ass. 1440 01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:34,723 - How could I kiss Lorne Michaels' ass? 1441 01:02:34,855 --> 01:02:36,257 We can't even afford to animate 1442 01:02:36,390 --> 01:02:38,492 the back half of it. - This is a betrayal, Joker. 1443 01:02:38,627 --> 01:02:40,427 - Think about all the queer kids who finally get to watch 1444 01:02:40,562 --> 01:02:41,929 a trans woman on a comedy show. 1445 01:02:42,062 --> 01:02:43,097 - Oh, that makes you a hero? 1446 01:02:43,230 --> 01:02:44,965 - What if it does, you prick? 1447 01:02:45,099 --> 01:02:47,501 - Then it makes you the hero Gotham deserves, 1448 01:02:47,636 --> 01:02:50,371 a selfish, stupid, asshole hero! 1449 01:02:51,238 --> 01:02:52,973 I don't know if it's Dent, 1450 01:02:53,107 --> 01:02:55,744 or Wayne, or some other psychotic soul junkie 1451 01:02:55,876 --> 01:02:58,245 in their back cabal, someone is transmitting 1452 01:02:58,379 --> 01:02:59,648 electrostatic brainwaves 1453 01:02:59,780 --> 01:03:00,948 into my wife and children, 1454 01:03:01,081 --> 01:03:03,017 making them less affectionate towards me. 1455 01:03:03,150 --> 01:03:06,120 On that note, I'd just like to reiterate that T girl clown 1456 01:03:06,253 --> 01:03:07,622 that destroyed all the Batdrones 1457 01:03:07,756 --> 01:03:09,089 is not my child. 1458 01:03:09,223 --> 01:03:12,192 Smallville Suicide Hotline. 1459 01:03:12,326 --> 01:03:15,162 - Uh, hi, um, I, uh, was just calling to see 1460 01:03:15,296 --> 01:03:16,930 if you'd let me know what the weather was like 1461 01:03:17,064 --> 01:03:19,066 in Smallville right now. - This is an emergency hotline 1462 01:03:19,199 --> 01:03:21,101 for people who wanna off themselves, 1463 01:03:21,235 --> 01:03:23,672 no weather service for sad losers. 1464 01:03:23,804 --> 01:03:25,205 - Totally understood, thanks so much. 1465 01:03:26,473 --> 01:03:28,075 Hello, please, state 1466 01:03:28,208 --> 01:03:29,977 your name. - Joker the Harlequin. 1467 01:03:30,110 --> 01:03:31,845 - The name you entered Joanna Kerns 1468 01:03:31,979 --> 01:03:33,847 to Harlequin not found. 1469 01:03:33,981 --> 01:03:35,215 Please, state your name. 1470 01:03:35,416 --> 01:03:37,251 - Listen, bitch, I legally changed my name 1471 01:03:37,384 --> 01:03:39,186 to Joker the Harlequin, so it better be 1472 01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:41,422 in your system. - The name you entered Lisa, 1473 01:03:41,556 --> 01:03:43,857 bitch, I legally changed my name to Joanna Kerns 1474 01:03:43,991 --> 01:03:45,859 to Harlequin not found. 1475 01:03:45,993 --> 01:03:46,994 Please, state your name. 1476 01:03:47,127 --> 01:03:48,429 - Drew. - Access granted. 1477 01:03:50,197 --> 01:03:54,669 - Hello, I'm Ra's al Ghul, you must be Joker, welcome. 1478 01:03:55,402 --> 01:03:57,071 - Um, hi, we've met before actually. 1479 01:03:57,204 --> 01:03:59,073 - You look different. 1480 01:03:59,206 --> 01:04:01,842 - Yeah, well, I am different. 1481 01:04:01,975 --> 01:04:03,177 Where's Lorne Michaels? 1482 01:04:03,310 --> 01:04:06,447 - It's just you and I today, Joker. 1483 01:04:06,581 --> 01:04:08,148 - Well, I'm afraid you got your work cut out for you 1484 01:04:08,282 --> 01:04:10,384 because I never even passed yes, and. 1485 01:04:10,518 --> 01:04:13,822 - One of my best students failed at yes, and 1486 01:04:13,954 --> 01:04:15,856 during his first attempt, 1487 01:04:15,989 --> 01:04:19,661 the eagerness to not accept defeat 1488 01:04:19,794 --> 01:04:22,062 is what made him a legend. 1489 01:04:22,731 --> 01:04:23,765 - Yeah, then what happened? 1490 01:04:23,964 --> 01:04:25,199 Did you cut his arms and legs off 1491 01:04:25,332 --> 01:04:27,234 with a laser sword on a volcano planet? 1492 01:04:27,368 --> 01:04:29,937 - Close, after I flunked him, he threw on a codpiece 1493 01:04:30,070 --> 01:04:32,139 and helped get comedy outlawed. 1494 01:04:32,272 --> 01:04:35,175 - Batman went to "UCB" and you trained him? 1495 01:04:35,309 --> 01:04:37,512 - I'm afraid I failed the Batman, 1496 01:04:37,645 --> 01:04:40,515 he gave up before ever reaching Hypercube. 1497 01:04:40,648 --> 01:04:43,651 Some men just don't wanna watch the world burn. 1498 01:04:43,785 --> 01:04:47,221 - So what you're saying is, I should start fighting crime? 1499 01:04:47,354 --> 01:04:49,524 - I'm saying that the failure to settle 1500 01:04:49,657 --> 01:04:51,526 is a sign of a greater path. 1501 01:04:51,659 --> 01:04:54,328 - Oh, yeah, and what's that? - "The People's Joker." 1502 01:04:54,461 --> 01:04:58,666 It was foretold that someday a clown would rise 1503 01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:00,668 to restore the power of comedy 1504 01:05:00,802 --> 01:05:02,871 from those who have stolen it. 1505 01:05:03,003 --> 01:05:06,373 That this person would reclaim comedy 1506 01:05:06,508 --> 01:05:09,042 and would repurify it as an art form. 1507 01:05:09,176 --> 01:05:10,745 - It sounds pretentious. - It is. 1508 01:05:10,879 --> 01:05:14,582 Comedy has long held a lofty view of itself for its ability 1509 01:05:14,716 --> 01:05:17,384 to see and to disseminate truth. 1510 01:05:17,519 --> 01:05:21,255 But truth controlled by autocracy is a distortion. 1511 01:05:21,388 --> 01:05:24,391 The prophecy states that a man will come forth 1512 01:05:24,526 --> 01:05:27,094 that sees the virtue and madness. 1513 01:05:27,227 --> 01:05:31,566 A man that truly understands the healing power of laughter. 1514 01:05:31,699 --> 01:05:34,268 - Question, what if she's not sure she's a man? 1515 01:05:34,401 --> 01:05:36,503 - Joker, are you ready to begin? 1516 01:05:36,638 --> 01:05:38,172 - Sure. 1517 01:05:38,305 --> 01:05:40,842 - A true jokeman doesn't tell jokes. 1518 01:05:40,974 --> 01:05:44,579 He tells the truth. 1519 01:05:44,712 --> 01:05:47,347 - Uh, an Atlantean, a Kryptonian and a metahuman 1520 01:05:47,481 --> 01:05:50,050 walk into a bar. - So if you're living a lie, 1521 01:05:50,184 --> 01:05:52,186 you can't be a jokeman. 1522 01:05:52,319 --> 01:05:54,354 - How come people always bring tomatoes 1523 01:05:54,488 --> 01:05:55,956 to comedy shows? 1524 01:05:56,089 --> 01:05:59,293 - We lie when we are afraid. 1525 01:05:59,426 --> 01:06:01,094 So tell me, Joker the Harlequin, 1526 01:06:03,096 --> 01:06:05,700 what do you fear? 1527 01:06:05,834 --> 01:06:06,701 - My mother, 1528 01:06:13,140 --> 01:06:15,976 my boyfriend as well. 1529 01:06:16,109 --> 01:06:19,279 - What you really fear is inside yourself. 1530 01:06:19,413 --> 01:06:22,550 You fear your own power and truth. 1531 01:06:22,684 --> 01:06:27,087 Now you must journey inwards, breathe in your fears. 1532 01:06:28,590 --> 01:06:29,490 Breathe. 1533 01:06:34,428 --> 01:06:37,532 Where are you? 1534 01:06:37,665 --> 01:06:41,401 - I'm back in Arkham. 1535 01:06:44,238 --> 01:06:46,006 What do you see? 1536 01:06:46,139 --> 01:06:48,877 - Crane. - Have you come for a refill, 1537 01:06:49,009 --> 01:06:51,245 sonny boy? - He can't hurt you. 1538 01:06:51,378 --> 01:06:52,881 - You ruined my life, Crane. 1539 01:06:53,013 --> 01:06:54,682 And I'm certain you ruined so many others. 1540 01:06:54,816 --> 01:06:57,986 - I don't ruin lives, 1541 01:06:58,118 --> 01:06:59,787 I make them super sane. 1542 01:07:02,155 --> 01:07:04,526 I give the gift of victimhood. 1543 01:07:15,202 --> 01:07:18,806 Any red-blooded Gotham who wants to be a victim, 1544 01:07:18,940 --> 01:07:20,374 but they're all waiting for a man 1545 01:07:20,508 --> 01:07:23,176 in a rubber suit to save them. 1546 01:07:23,310 --> 01:07:26,079 - I'm not a victim, and I'm not afraid of you! 1547 01:07:26,213 --> 01:07:29,483 - Ah, but you should be afraid of me. 1548 01:07:29,617 --> 01:07:33,721 - Without fear, what will you hold on to? 1549 01:07:33,855 --> 01:07:35,422 Oh, my poor little boy. 1550 01:07:35,557 --> 01:07:38,560 - What, what, what, what? - I've never been a boy. 1551 01:07:38,693 --> 01:07:40,427 And I think you've always known that, Mama. 1552 01:07:40,562 --> 01:07:42,597 - I know what I thought about my mother 1553 01:07:42,730 --> 01:07:45,132 and I couldn't handle if somebody felt about me 1554 01:07:45,265 --> 01:07:46,634 the way I felt about her. 1555 01:07:46,768 --> 01:07:50,370 So, yes, yes, Joker. 1556 01:07:51,405 --> 01:07:54,542 - I knew you were a little girl, 1557 01:07:54,676 --> 01:07:58,278 a trapped, miserable little girl. 1558 01:07:58,412 --> 01:08:00,347 But I was protecting you from growing up 1559 01:08:00,480 --> 01:08:05,019 and turning into a trapped, miserable woman 1560 01:08:05,152 --> 01:08:07,120 because I know what that feels like. 1561 01:08:22,369 --> 01:08:24,338 - I've just been walking around in circles my entire life. 1562 01:08:24,471 --> 01:08:25,940 - We all do, my dear. 1563 01:08:26,074 --> 01:08:27,675 And you can't blame yourself 1564 01:08:27,809 --> 01:08:30,845 for repeating the only cycle you ever knew. 1565 01:08:30,979 --> 01:08:33,347 We're human and we all need family. 1566 01:08:33,480 --> 01:08:36,383 - It's more than that, Ra's, and you know it, it- 1567 01:08:36,517 --> 01:08:38,653 - What do you know about clownfish? 1568 01:08:38,786 --> 01:08:40,120 - What is it with this movie and fish? 1569 01:08:40,253 --> 01:08:41,488 No, I don't like Pixar, 1570 01:08:41,623 --> 01:08:43,323 I find them emotionally manipulative. 1571 01:08:43,457 --> 01:08:45,994 And John Lasseter is a walking boundary violation 1572 01:08:46,126 --> 01:08:47,294 in an Hawaiian shirt. 1573 01:08:47,427 --> 01:08:49,564 - Japanese clownfish, like humans, 1574 01:08:49,697 --> 01:08:52,199 have a very strict social structure. 1575 01:08:52,332 --> 01:08:55,202 But in clownfish society, women rule, 1576 01:08:55,335 --> 01:08:57,237 a school of clownfish 1577 01:08:57,371 --> 01:09:00,374 is always led by one female. 1578 01:09:00,508 --> 01:09:04,177 She leads the path and she mates with all the men. 1579 01:09:04,311 --> 01:09:07,247 But when the dominant female dies, 1580 01:09:07,381 --> 01:09:10,183 the largest male will change his sex 1581 01:09:10,317 --> 01:09:14,856 and resume her former role as mother of the school. 1582 01:09:14,989 --> 01:09:17,257 - Are you telling me this to make me jealous of fish? 1583 01:09:17,391 --> 01:09:18,860 - No, I'm telling you this 1584 01:09:18,993 --> 01:09:22,563 'cause clownfish know that identity is not fixed. 1585 01:09:22,697 --> 01:09:27,267 What you were before is irrelevant to who you are today. 1586 01:09:28,168 --> 01:09:29,469 So who are you? 1587 01:09:37,879 --> 01:09:39,714 - I still don't know. 1588 01:09:44,118 --> 01:09:47,287 - Well, we'll soon find out. 1589 01:09:47,421 --> 01:09:48,790 - Do I have what it takes? 1590 01:09:48,923 --> 01:09:51,425 - We'll find that out as well, I suppose. 1591 01:09:51,559 --> 01:09:52,927 By the way, take a look at this. 1592 01:09:53,061 --> 01:09:54,529 - What's this, more prophecy? 1593 01:09:54,662 --> 01:09:57,197 - Notes from our board of censors. 1594 01:09:57,330 --> 01:09:58,800 - I can't do drugs on camera, 1595 01:09:58,933 --> 01:10:01,569 I can't talk about Bruce Wayne or Batman, 1596 01:10:01,703 --> 01:10:04,739 and I can't wear drag, that's my act. 1597 01:10:04,872 --> 01:10:06,908 - You had to expect there would be some rules. 1598 01:10:07,041 --> 01:10:10,011 - It's not drag Ra's and you know that, it's my clothes. 1599 01:10:10,144 --> 01:10:11,546 - I tried to explain that to Lorne, 1600 01:10:11,679 --> 01:10:14,082 but he wants to ease people into your situation. 1601 01:10:14,214 --> 01:10:15,516 - My situation? 1602 01:10:17,051 --> 01:10:19,687 It's bullshit, it's bullshit! 1603 01:10:19,821 --> 01:10:21,956 I you, you, all day, you've been telling me 1604 01:10:22,090 --> 01:10:23,256 to find my truth. 1605 01:10:23,390 --> 01:10:24,559 - Look, don't shoot the messenger. 1606 01:10:24,692 --> 01:10:25,960 I'm not trying to tell you to do anything. 1607 01:10:26,094 --> 01:10:27,427 - You're another old rich guy who doesn't get it. 1608 01:10:27,562 --> 01:10:28,896 - I'm just relaying a message from my bosses. 1609 01:10:29,030 --> 01:10:30,898 Did I say you need to listen to that message? 1610 01:10:31,032 --> 01:10:32,133 - Yeah, and what about "The People's Joker," 1611 01:10:32,265 --> 01:10:33,568 would he listen? 1612 01:10:33,701 --> 01:10:36,604 - You know what? I think she wouldn't. 1613 01:10:45,813 --> 01:10:46,614 - Okay. 1614 01:10:48,583 --> 01:10:51,119 Okay. 1615 01:10:51,251 --> 01:10:52,553 So what now? 1616 01:10:52,687 --> 01:10:55,255 - It's time for you to get ready for the show. 1617 01:11:08,236 --> 01:11:12,006 ♪ Bow before our jungle queen ♪ 1618 01:11:15,843 --> 01:11:20,915 ♪ The spunkiest chick, I've seen on screens ♪ 1619 01:11:22,349 --> 01:11:24,317 ♪ Will she name her pronouns ♪ 1620 01:11:24,451 --> 01:11:26,187 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1621 01:11:26,319 --> 01:11:28,421 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1622 01:11:28,556 --> 01:11:31,726 ♪ Rock a body like no gal can ♪ 1623 01:11:31,859 --> 01:11:36,164 ♪ A sexy sensation of Jokerfication ♪ 1624 01:11:36,296 --> 01:11:38,199 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1625 01:11:38,331 --> 01:11:40,300 ♪ Body woman ♪ 1626 01:11:40,433 --> 01:11:42,435 ♪ Girl lives in a shallow ♪ 1627 01:11:42,570 --> 01:11:45,940 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 1628 01:11:47,742 --> 01:11:49,409 Holy shit! 1629 01:11:52,680 --> 01:11:54,582 Joker, get in. 1630 01:11:54,715 --> 01:11:55,817 - Ah, no. - Ah, come on, 1631 01:11:56,017 --> 01:11:58,286 you're already late as is. 1632 01:11:58,418 --> 01:12:01,956 - Fine. 1633 01:12:02,089 --> 01:12:04,792 - So, ready for the show? 1634 01:12:04,926 --> 01:12:07,028 - Yeah, I am ready for the show, please, just drive. 1635 01:12:08,996 --> 01:12:10,264 - When are we gonna set aside some time 1636 01:12:10,397 --> 01:12:12,499 so we can talk about us? 1637 01:12:12,633 --> 01:12:15,303 - Are you kidding me right now? Talk about us? 1638 01:12:15,435 --> 01:12:17,238 - Pull over, Jason. - God, we got company. 1639 01:12:17,370 --> 01:12:18,506 - All the more reason for us 1640 01:12:18,639 --> 01:12:19,740 to not have this conversation right now. 1641 01:12:19,874 --> 01:12:22,777 - Look, I screwed up. I am screwed up. 1642 01:12:22,910 --> 01:12:24,377 And that's why you're the only one 1643 01:12:24,512 --> 01:12:27,114 for me because so are you. 1644 01:12:27,248 --> 01:12:29,116 - Just a reminder, kids, this is not romantic, 1645 01:12:29,250 --> 01:12:31,853 and I will show you the checklist again if I have to. 1646 01:12:31,986 --> 01:12:34,622 - It's not you that I want Jason, it's her, 1647 01:12:34,755 --> 01:12:37,191 it's Joker, nobody's gonna take away my dream 1648 01:12:37,325 --> 01:12:38,893 of hosting "UCB Live." 1649 01:12:39,026 --> 01:12:40,427 - You really think you're gonna be able 1650 01:12:40,561 --> 01:12:41,863 to transition without me? 1651 01:12:41,996 --> 01:12:45,533 - Why is it always about you? 1652 01:12:45,666 --> 01:12:48,169 - This isn't about me at all, this is about you. 1653 01:12:48,302 --> 01:12:50,271 Think about it, think about all the progress you made 1654 01:12:50,403 --> 01:12:51,706 when we were together. 1655 01:12:51,839 --> 01:12:53,307 You would've never - Yeah, 1656 01:12:53,440 --> 01:12:54,342 you're right. - figured out who you were 1657 01:12:54,474 --> 01:12:55,743 without me. - You're right, 1658 01:12:55,877 --> 01:12:56,911 I would've never figured out who I was without you 1659 01:12:57,044 --> 01:12:58,445 because I finally had love in my life. 1660 01:12:58,579 --> 01:13:01,015 I finally had somebody who genuinely 1661 01:13:01,148 --> 01:13:02,583 and authentically loved me. 1662 01:13:02,717 --> 01:13:05,286 And it's just my luck, the ultimate joke of it 1663 01:13:05,418 --> 01:13:07,822 is, I found love from an unstable clown 1664 01:13:07,955 --> 01:13:09,824 with a Damaged tattoo on his head. 1665 01:13:09,957 --> 01:13:12,159 Of course, I fell in love with the most traumatized boy 1666 01:13:12,293 --> 01:13:13,561 on the planet. 1667 01:13:13,694 --> 01:13:15,395 Of course, I thought if I just fixed you, 1668 01:13:15,529 --> 01:13:18,099 I could finally fix me. 1669 01:13:18,232 --> 01:13:20,167 Stupid Bats! 1670 01:13:22,069 --> 01:13:24,805 - I've never thought you needed to be fixed. 1671 01:13:24,939 --> 01:13:27,742 - Dummy, that is why you're the first person 1672 01:13:27,875 --> 01:13:29,777 that genuinely loved me. 1673 01:13:29,911 --> 01:13:31,579 - Still love you. - Puddin', puddin', 1674 01:13:31,712 --> 01:13:33,114 I can't swim! 1675 01:13:45,092 --> 01:13:46,493 Come on, Jason, wake up. 1676 01:13:50,898 --> 01:13:53,868 Oh, thank you, God. 1677 01:13:54,001 --> 01:13:56,704 Ah, fuck you, God. 1678 01:13:56,837 --> 01:13:58,673 All right, Batsy, you wanna get nuts? 1679 01:13:59,674 --> 01:14:00,942 Let's get nuts. 1680 01:14:01,075 --> 01:14:03,476 Whoa! 1681 01:14:06,047 --> 01:14:07,615 Don't worry, Bruce, 1682 01:14:07,748 --> 01:14:09,517 we're not gonna kill ya. - Ow. 1683 01:14:09,650 --> 01:14:12,753 - We're gonna hurt ya really, really bad. 1684 01:14:14,121 --> 01:14:15,356 Ain't that right, Penguin? 1685 01:14:15,488 --> 01:14:19,360 - Yeah, we're gonna treat you real ice. 1686 01:14:20,528 --> 01:14:21,529 - Selina? - Bruce. 1687 01:14:21,662 --> 01:14:22,630 - Batman knows Catwoman? 1688 01:14:22,763 --> 01:14:24,198 - I went on one lousy date 1689 01:14:24,332 --> 01:14:25,866 and he's going around telling people I'm a sex worker. 1690 01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:27,568 Not that there's anything wrong with sex work, 1691 01:14:27,702 --> 01:14:30,271 it's just girls can be cat burglars, Frank Miller. 1692 01:14:30,404 --> 01:14:33,708 - And gender nonconforming plant people can be botanists. 1693 01:14:33,841 --> 01:14:35,009 Isn't that right, 1694 01:14:35,142 --> 01:14:37,712 you plagiaristic sack of fleshy fauna? 1695 01:14:37,845 --> 01:14:39,547 - What are you people? 1696 01:14:39,680 --> 01:14:43,417 - Don't you see, Bruce? 1697 01:14:43,551 --> 01:14:46,954 We're the jokers of the 1698 01:14:47,088 --> 01:14:49,991 daughters, we're the daughters of the jokers 1699 01:14:50,124 --> 01:14:51,892 you couldn't burn. 1700 01:14:52,026 --> 01:14:54,662 Get it? 1701 01:14:54,795 --> 01:14:57,098 - Nope. 1702 01:14:57,231 --> 01:14:58,332 - He's getting away! 1703 01:14:58,466 --> 01:14:59,533 - Got him! 1704 01:15:07,241 --> 01:15:12,480 Just a grown man who plays with toys all night. 1705 01:15:13,881 --> 01:15:15,549 You like that, Batman? 1706 01:15:15,683 --> 01:15:17,752 That's my impression of one of your Batdrones 1707 01:15:17,885 --> 01:15:19,820 concussing my mother. 1708 01:15:19,954 --> 01:15:22,189 - At least your mother's still alive. 1709 01:15:22,323 --> 01:15:23,924 - Ah, so that's where Jason picked that one up. 1710 01:15:33,067 --> 01:15:36,070 - Let go of me, you crazy bitch. 1711 01:15:36,203 --> 01:15:38,639 - I am not crazy! 1712 01:15:42,710 --> 01:15:46,113 I'm super sane! 1713 01:15:49,984 --> 01:15:52,720 All right, I'm pretty sure I just killed that Batman. 1714 01:15:52,853 --> 01:15:55,056 Can you at least agree with me that we need to take a break? 1715 01:15:55,189 --> 01:15:59,894 Yeah, maybe you're right. 1716 01:16:00,027 --> 01:16:04,732 I was just really hoping for a happy ending here for us. 1717 01:16:06,834 --> 01:16:08,035 - You were my happy beginning 1718 01:16:08,235 --> 01:16:12,106 and, honestly, I needed that way more right now. 1719 01:16:12,239 --> 01:16:13,874 But I'm gonna be late and I ripped my jacket 1720 01:16:14,008 --> 01:16:16,511 so I have nothing to wear. 1721 01:16:16,644 --> 01:16:18,579 I don't know, a Joker in a red suit? 1722 01:16:18,712 --> 01:16:20,781 - Oh, come on. 1723 01:16:20,915 --> 01:16:22,850 - I'll make it work. 1724 01:16:23,818 --> 01:16:25,419 Bye, puddin'. 1725 01:16:27,655 --> 01:16:29,123 - Look, I don't wanna scare you, 1726 01:16:29,256 --> 01:16:32,193 but do you know what this movement is really about? 1727 01:16:32,326 --> 01:16:34,428 Transsexual Reptilian Agenda. 1728 01:17:02,990 --> 01:17:06,694 Live from Downtown Gotham, 1729 01:17:06,827 --> 01:17:09,096 it's "UCB Live" 1730 01:17:11,198 --> 01:17:12,666 with David Spade, 1731 01:17:13,634 --> 01:17:14,902 Rudolf Hess, 1732 01:17:16,103 --> 01:17:17,238 Hermann Gorig, 1733 01:17:18,239 --> 01:17:19,740 David Spade, 1734 01:17:19,874 --> 01:17:23,377 with musical guest, Ben Folds Five. 1735 01:17:23,512 --> 01:17:26,480 And tonight's host, 1736 01:17:26,615 --> 01:17:28,517 Joker the Harlequin. 1737 01:17:28,649 --> 01:17:30,718 - Thank you so much, Gotham City. How we doing tonight? 1738 01:17:32,621 --> 01:17:36,190 I'm Joker the Harlequin here to ease you into my situation. 1739 01:17:38,025 --> 01:17:41,328 Um, well, uh, you know, as the first openly queer person 1740 01:17:41,462 --> 01:17:44,098 on the "UCB" cast, normally it'd probably be my duty 1741 01:17:44,231 --> 01:17:46,267 to come out here and make all you cishets 1742 01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:47,735 feel comfortable. 1743 01:17:47,968 --> 01:17:49,604 But I'm not sure if you noticed on the drive over here, 1744 01:17:49,737 --> 01:17:51,071 things aren't exactly, uh, comfortable 1745 01:17:51,205 --> 01:17:52,541 in Gotham City right now, are they? 1746 01:17:55,109 --> 01:17:57,546 Jesus, you guys are really desperate for a laugh, huh? 1747 01:18:00,247 --> 01:18:01,849 Covfefe. 1748 01:18:01,982 --> 01:18:04,653 Uh-huh. 1749 01:18:08,455 --> 01:18:12,793 Oh my God it's Smylex. 1750 01:18:12,927 --> 01:18:17,264 You know, I should have known, Lorne, 1751 01:18:17,398 --> 01:18:20,000 Lorne Michaels wanted me to come out here tonight 1752 01:18:20,134 --> 01:18:22,369 dressed up like a man. - What the hell is he doing? 1753 01:18:22,503 --> 01:18:25,574 - She's doing exactly what I trained her to do. 1754 01:18:25,706 --> 01:18:26,974 - And I'm not a man. 1755 01:18:27,107 --> 01:18:28,677 People have been trying to convince me that I am 1756 01:18:28,809 --> 01:18:33,247 for my entire life and I'm not, I'm not a man. 1757 01:18:33,380 --> 01:18:35,916 And I'm not a woman with an asterisk either. 1758 01:18:36,050 --> 01:18:38,085 I'm not a Joker, I'm not a Harlequin, 1759 01:18:38,219 --> 01:18:40,221 I'm not a hero, and I'm not a villain either, 1760 01:18:40,354 --> 01:18:42,923 because heroes and villains don't exist. 1761 01:18:43,057 --> 01:18:44,425 They were just invented 1762 01:18:44,559 --> 01:18:47,027 to sell you soda, life is not a comic book movie, 1763 01:18:47,161 --> 01:18:48,229 believe me. - That should have been me. 1764 01:18:48,362 --> 01:18:50,297 - I really wish it was. 1765 01:18:50,431 --> 01:18:52,733 The truth is, we're all capable of being heroes 1766 01:18:52,866 --> 01:18:54,335 and villains at any given moment, 1767 01:18:54,468 --> 01:18:57,037 it just depends on what we choose to show up as. 1768 01:18:57,171 --> 01:18:59,608 And, you know, another thing, I'm sure this show 1769 01:18:59,740 --> 01:19:01,710 was really funny at one point, 1770 01:19:01,842 --> 01:19:03,210 I don't really remember it ever being funny, 1771 01:19:03,344 --> 01:19:04,679 maybe back in the '70s, 1772 01:19:04,812 --> 01:19:05,779 all it remember doing - My God, 1773 01:19:05,980 --> 01:19:07,047 I'm ruined. - is convincing us 1774 01:19:07,181 --> 01:19:09,049 politicians are actually comedians, 1775 01:19:09,183 --> 01:19:12,052 and that comedians are moral arbiters of truth 1776 01:19:12,186 --> 01:19:13,754 that we should turn to for answers. 1777 01:19:13,887 --> 01:19:15,889 And what could be more irresponsible than that? 1778 01:19:16,023 --> 01:19:17,491 All we can do is hurt each other. 1779 01:19:17,626 --> 01:19:19,827 And if we're lucky, maybe tell a Tinder bit or two. 1780 01:19:21,862 --> 01:19:23,364 You know what? 1781 01:19:23,497 --> 01:19:25,065 Who wants to hear the classic Joker the Harlequin bit: 1782 01:19:25,199 --> 01:19:26,735 The saddest story ever told? 1783 01:19:27,835 --> 01:19:29,436 Yeah, yeah? Okay, cool. 1784 01:19:29,571 --> 01:19:31,005 Well, once upon a time, 1785 01:19:31,138 --> 01:19:33,140 there was this little boy named Bruce 1786 01:19:33,274 --> 01:19:35,109 who had all of the money 1787 01:19:35,242 --> 01:19:39,280 in the world, 1788 01:19:39,413 --> 01:19:42,751 and he wouldn't shut up about his stupid dead parents. 1789 01:19:43,718 --> 01:19:44,785 My empire! 1790 01:19:48,055 --> 01:19:50,692 - No! 1791 01:19:52,493 --> 01:19:54,261 - And he couldn't face the truth about who he really was, 1792 01:19:54,395 --> 01:19:56,797 so he stayed up all night. 1793 01:20:01,135 --> 01:20:05,507 He stayed up all night, dressed up like a goddamn bat! 1794 01:20:09,276 --> 01:20:11,912 Ah! 1795 01:22:17,539 --> 01:22:18,673 - Where on Earth am I? 1796 01:22:20,441 --> 01:22:22,209 - Who said anything about being on Earth, pretty lady? 1797 01:22:22,342 --> 01:22:24,077 - Well, hey, little guy, who are you? 1798 01:22:24,211 --> 01:22:26,815 - I'm Mx. Mxyzptlk, that's who. 1799 01:22:26,947 --> 01:22:27,948 - Mr. Mix-a-what? 1800 01:22:28,081 --> 01:22:29,851 - Mx. Mxyzptlk. 1801 01:22:29,983 --> 01:22:31,452 - Oh. - And you are in 1802 01:22:31,586 --> 01:22:33,187 the fifth dimension. 1803 01:22:33,320 --> 01:22:34,988 Not entirely unusual 1804 01:22:35,122 --> 01:22:37,357 for someone once they've achieved a super psyche. 1805 01:22:37,491 --> 01:22:39,894 - Oh, cool. Well, what else can I do? 1806 01:22:40,060 --> 01:22:42,597 - Ah, pretty much anything you want. 1807 01:22:42,730 --> 01:22:45,365 You wanna see Richard Pryor having sex with Marlon Brando? 1808 01:22:45,499 --> 01:22:47,000 - I mean. - I mean, who doesn't, right? 1809 01:22:47,134 --> 01:22:50,270 - Yeah, duh. 1810 01:22:50,404 --> 01:22:52,172 Good for them, to be honest. 1811 01:22:52,306 --> 01:22:53,875 - Well, I suppose you wanna see the birth of Rick Moranis 1812 01:22:54,007 --> 01:22:55,242 just to see if his parents knew 1813 01:22:55,375 --> 01:22:56,310 they had a winner right out the gate? 1814 01:22:59,714 --> 01:23:02,115 - Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Moranis, 1815 01:23:02,249 --> 01:23:04,985 he's gonna be a national treasure. 1816 01:23:05,118 --> 01:23:07,254 - Or sail through the multiverse 1817 01:23:07,387 --> 01:23:10,692 and any of infinite possible timelines. 1818 01:23:10,825 --> 01:23:12,359 - So let me get this straight, 1819 01:23:12,493 --> 01:23:13,661 you're saying that not only are there an infinite number 1820 01:23:13,795 --> 01:23:16,396 of dimensions, there's also an infinite number 1821 01:23:16,531 --> 01:23:19,166 of possible timelines? - Precisely, 1822 01:23:20,902 --> 01:23:23,103 my dear, our universe is just one 1823 01:23:23,237 --> 01:23:25,940 of many existing in a vast structure 1824 01:23:26,073 --> 01:23:28,442 of alternate possibilities. 1825 01:23:28,576 --> 01:23:31,579 - Hey, that's me. - No, she's you. 1826 01:23:33,781 --> 01:23:35,048 - Oh. 1827 01:23:36,383 --> 01:23:38,520 Say, Mx. Mxyzptlk, - Mm-hmm? 1828 01:23:38,653 --> 01:23:41,021 - do you think you can clean up my timeline a little bit? 1829 01:23:41,154 --> 01:23:43,457 - Uh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea. 1830 01:23:43,591 --> 01:23:45,660 The last time I did that, the Endless exiled me. 1831 01:23:45,793 --> 01:23:47,862 - Please, Mx. Mixy? Please? 1832 01:23:49,463 --> 01:23:51,900 ♪ I laugh on the outside ♪ 1833 01:23:52,032 --> 01:23:54,769 ♪ But my smile's just skin deep ♪ 1834 01:23:54,903 --> 01:23:59,239 ♪ Deep down inside, I want to cry and weep myself to sleep ♪ 1835 01:23:59,373 --> 01:24:00,240 - Aw. 1836 01:24:00,440 --> 01:24:02,142 ♪ See Gotham's dark and dirty ♪ 1837 01:24:02,276 --> 01:24:04,979 ♪ And not to sound forlorn ♪ 1838 01:24:05,112 --> 01:24:06,848 ♪ I'm sad to say ♪ - Uh-huh? 1839 01:24:06,981 --> 01:24:08,983 ♪ Though Batman's gay ♪ 1840 01:24:09,116 --> 01:24:12,687 ♪ He's a closeted warlord ♪ 1841 01:24:14,556 --> 01:24:16,189 - Mm-hmm. 1842 01:24:16,323 --> 01:24:17,859 ♪ So Mixy, Mx. Mixy ♪ 1843 01:24:17,992 --> 01:24:19,459 ♪ With the powers that you wield ♪ 1844 01:24:19,594 --> 01:24:21,228 - Ah, here we go. ♪ Spread light ♪ 1845 01:24:21,361 --> 01:24:23,665 ♪ Into my darkened world and make my smile real ♪ 1846 01:24:23,798 --> 01:24:25,633 ♪ Well ♪ 1847 01:24:25,767 --> 01:24:27,234 Oh, all right. 1848 01:24:27,569 --> 01:24:32,339 ♪ With the wave of my imp hand, I'll make your city clean ♪ 1849 01:24:33,942 --> 01:24:36,109 ♪ You'll do comedy legally ♪ 1850 01:24:36,243 --> 01:24:37,879 ♪ The streets will be less mean ♪ 1851 01:24:40,180 --> 01:24:42,215 ♪ Where clowns will get the help they need ♪ 1852 01:24:42,349 --> 01:24:44,318 ♪ Without all the guilt trips ♪ 1853 01:24:44,451 --> 01:24:46,119 ♪ From the State, no longer put away ♪ 1854 01:24:46,253 --> 01:24:47,956 ♪ By a man with rubber nips ♪ 1855 01:24:48,088 --> 01:24:49,289 - Wow! Oh, oh! 1856 01:24:49,423 --> 01:24:50,658 ♪ Mixy, Mx. Mixy ♪ 1857 01:24:50,792 --> 01:24:53,293 ♪ While we're making things ideal ♪ 1858 01:24:53,427 --> 01:24:56,831 ♪ Dimension swapping Batsy would make my smile real ♪ 1859 01:24:56,965 --> 01:24:58,265 - Well, the pickings are rather slim, 1860 01:24:58,398 --> 01:24:59,634 what you thinking, Harlequin? 1861 01:24:59,767 --> 01:25:01,836 - Hmm? Billionaire toy, MeToo playboy. 1862 01:25:01,970 --> 01:25:02,937 - Not him. - Not him. 1863 01:25:03,071 --> 01:25:04,137 - Not him. 1864 01:25:04,271 --> 01:25:06,173 ♪ Well, Batman should be kind ♪ 1865 01:25:06,306 --> 01:25:08,275 ♪ Sweet and not a slob ♪ 1866 01:25:08,475 --> 01:25:13,081 ♪ Oh, wait, I know just the Penguin for the job ♪ 1867 01:25:13,213 --> 01:25:15,115 - That bitch. 1868 01:25:15,248 --> 01:25:16,818 ♪ But Batman needs a Joker ♪ 1869 01:25:16,951 --> 01:25:19,386 ♪ Do you wish that to be you ♪ 1870 01:25:19,520 --> 01:25:21,288 ♪ If it's so, then let me know ♪ 1871 01:25:21,421 --> 01:25:25,125 ♪ And I'll bid you adieu ♪ 1872 01:25:25,960 --> 01:25:27,729 - No, 1873 01:25:27,862 --> 01:25:30,765 if I only get one more. 1874 01:25:30,898 --> 01:25:35,770 ♪ I could wish for love or fame, but I had them ♪ 1875 01:25:37,137 --> 01:25:41,776 ♪ And they didn't set my sad heart free ♪ 1876 01:25:42,577 --> 01:25:46,047 ♪ I could wish to be cis ♪ 1877 01:25:46,179 --> 01:25:49,083 ♪ But I've done so much as this ♪ 1878 01:25:49,216 --> 01:25:53,821 ♪ I'm the woman that I want to be ♪ 1879 01:25:53,955 --> 01:25:58,325 ♪ But they say that I smiled ♪ 1880 01:25:58,458 --> 01:26:01,228 ♪ When I was a child ♪ 1881 01:26:01,361 --> 01:26:05,767 ♪ Oh, so naturally ♪ 1882 01:26:05,900 --> 01:26:09,937 ♪ So my wish ♪ 1883 01:26:10,071 --> 01:26:12,339 ♪ Will have to be ♪ 1884 01:26:12,472 --> 01:26:15,677 ♪ Just one happy memory ♪ 1885 01:26:21,616 --> 01:26:26,219 - Why for you, dear People's Joker, 1886 01:26:26,353 --> 01:26:30,257 no request is barred, but this wish came true in '92 1887 01:26:32,794 --> 01:26:35,530 in your mama's car. 1888 01:26:35,663 --> 01:26:37,264 ♪ I'm a lover ♪ ♪ I'm a singer ♪ 1889 01:26:37,397 --> 01:26:38,533 ♪ And I'm making dinner ♪ 1890 01:26:38,666 --> 01:26:40,968 - Why? - Why not? 1891 01:26:44,138 --> 01:26:46,440 ♪ I'm a joker, I'm a smoker ♪ 1892 01:26:46,574 --> 01:26:48,676 ♪ I'm a midnight cookie eater ♪ 1893 01:26:48,810 --> 01:26:51,546 - Cookie, what? 1894 01:26:51,679 --> 01:26:54,549 Mixy, thank you. 1895 01:26:54,682 --> 01:26:58,720 It's, this is honestly all I ever wanted. 1896 01:26:58,853 --> 01:27:01,589 - Well, don't forget what happened to the little boy 1897 01:27:01,723 --> 01:27:04,892 who suddenly got everything he ever wanted, 1898 01:27:05,026 --> 01:27:06,460 she lived happily ever after. 1899 01:27:23,578 --> 01:27:26,881 ♪ If I were a hero for a day ♪ 1900 01:27:27,014 --> 01:27:31,185 ♪ I'd go back in time to save my village ♪ 1901 01:27:31,318 --> 01:27:36,389 ♪ From learning everything that changed ♪ 1902 01:27:37,525 --> 01:27:39,627 ♪ Would I really do with all the good ♪ 1903 01:27:39,761 --> 01:27:44,832 ♪ To replace my life with what it could be ♪ 1904 01:27:48,770 --> 01:27:51,806 ♪ I know you don't know me, but I do ♪ 1905 01:27:51,939 --> 01:27:56,811 ♪ Will improve it, but I still try to live another day ♪ 1906 01:28:05,052 --> 01:28:08,523 ♪ Here comes the world's greatest bird detective ♪ 1907 01:28:11,025 --> 01:28:12,560 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! 1908 01:28:12,693 --> 01:28:15,196 ♪ Nothing's much, much more effective ♪ 1909 01:28:16,831 --> 01:28:18,533 ♪ Batguin, Batguin ♪ 1910 01:28:18,666 --> 01:28:20,467 ♪ Protector of the night ♪ 1911 01:28:20,601 --> 01:28:22,804 ♪ Making up with Justice What he lacks in flight ♪ 1912 01:28:22,937 --> 01:28:24,739 ♪ Batguin, Batguin ♪ 1913 01:28:24,872 --> 01:28:26,507 ♪ Fighting real crime ♪ 1914 01:28:26,641 --> 01:28:29,110 ♪ Used to be the Penguin, now it's Batguin time ♪ 1915 01:28:29,243 --> 01:28:30,978 ♪ Batguin ♪ - I got a penguin belly, 1916 01:28:31,112 --> 01:28:34,215 but for a Batguin, we're Bat. 1917 01:28:34,347 --> 01:28:37,151 Batguin. 1918 01:28:37,285 --> 01:28:38,853 It's me, Penguin. 1919 01:28:40,121 --> 01:28:41,856 Ha! 1920 01:28:41,989 --> 01:28:44,692 ♪ If I'm not alone ♪ 1921 01:28:44,826 --> 01:28:49,197 ♪ Then why do we feel alone ♪ 1922 01:28:49,329 --> 01:28:52,465 ♪ And if none of us are alone ♪ 1923 01:28:52,600 --> 01:28:57,872 ♪ Then why are we lonely ♪ 1924 01:28:59,273 --> 01:29:01,843 ♪ And if I'm unwise ♪ 1925 01:29:01,976 --> 01:29:05,847 ♪ Then why can't I give good advice ♪ 1926 01:29:05,980 --> 01:29:09,416 ♪ Are all of us just leading lives ♪ 1927 01:29:09,550 --> 01:29:11,719 ♪ As leading roles ♪ 1928 01:29:11,853 --> 01:29:15,488 ♪ Well, I don't know, but they've said ♪ 1929 01:29:15,623 --> 01:29:18,059 ♪ Kid, you're delusional now ♪ 1930 01:29:18,192 --> 01:29:20,460 ♪ This life is a movie ♪ 1931 01:29:20,595 --> 01:29:23,264 ♪ It'll be over soon ♪ 1932 01:29:23,396 --> 01:29:27,635 ♪ You'll either win, or meet your doom ♪ 1933 01:29:27,768 --> 01:29:31,606 ♪ That can't be correct 'cuz I've seen the trouble I'm in ♪ 1934 01:29:31,739 --> 01:29:33,908 ♪ One day, you'll ♪ ♪ It seems to be ours ♪ 1935 01:29:34,041 --> 01:29:35,408 ♪ It seems to be ours ♪ 1936 01:29:35,543 --> 01:29:38,512 ♪ Oh, no, but now, I'm walking on back ♪ 1937 01:29:38,646 --> 01:29:41,249 ♪ And I just found ♪ 1938 01:29:41,381 --> 01:29:43,517 - You will not silence the silent majority. 1939 01:29:43,651 --> 01:29:45,385 You won't block a bald eagle 1940 01:29:45,519 --> 01:29:47,655 and you cannot shadow-ban short rib. 1941 01:29:47,788 --> 01:29:50,925 Have you ever tried DMT? 1942 01:29:51,058 --> 01:29:52,627 - The Riddler may be in jail, 1943 01:29:52,760 --> 01:29:54,695 but passing up this offer would be a bigger crime. 1944 01:29:54,829 --> 01:29:57,698 - I do, am intrigued about what you're doing though, 1945 01:29:57,832 --> 01:30:00,801 uh, about a, um, 1946 01:30:00,935 --> 01:30:03,204 a indie Batman queer coming-of-age film. 1947 01:30:03,337 --> 01:30:05,940 I think good for you, I think that, uh, 1948 01:30:06,073 --> 01:30:09,510 you're taking a chance, you're breaking barriers. 1949 01:30:09,644 --> 01:30:11,746 Uh, why not? Why not? 1950 01:30:24,659 --> 01:30:29,730 ♪ So when's my part supposed to end? ♪ 1951 01:30:30,765 --> 01:30:32,733 ♪ 'Cause I don't want to wait for ♪ 1952 01:30:32,867 --> 01:30:37,605 ♪ The people to stand ♪ 1953 01:30:37,738 --> 01:30:42,877 ♪ The credits roll, the seats all collapse ♪ 1954 01:30:44,211 --> 01:30:46,446 ♪ Did they get the joke? ♪ Did they get the joke? 1955 01:30:46,580 --> 01:30:48,616 ♪ Did anything land? ♪ 1956 01:30:48,749 --> 01:30:50,685 ♪ Did anything land? ♪ 1957 01:30:50,818 --> 01:30:53,688 ♪ If I were a villain for a day ♪ 1958 01:30:53,821 --> 01:30:56,757 ♪ I'd want to pick apart that brain ♪ 1959 01:30:56,891 --> 01:31:01,996 ♪ And throw the memories of my mistakes away ♪ 1960 01:31:02,830 --> 01:31:05,866 ♪ But I have to let them stay ♪ 1961 01:31:06,000 --> 01:31:07,435 Do you know what? 1962 01:31:07,568 --> 01:31:09,337 Everyone in this theater go fucking crazy! 1963 01:31:09,469 --> 01:31:12,707 It's the end of the song and we want this theater electric. 1964 01:31:12,840 --> 01:31:14,308 I bet you want to get home, but, 1965 01:31:14,442 --> 01:31:15,977 bitches on heat seem like this, so. 1966 01:31:16,110 --> 01:31:19,080 Have a good night! 1967 01:31:19,213 --> 01:31:23,150 ♪ Well, isn't is beautiful how this life is a movie ♪ 1968 01:31:23,284 --> 01:31:25,853 ♪ And it'll be over soon ♪ 1969 01:31:25,987 --> 01:31:30,591 ♪ Whether you win, or meet your doom ♪ 1970 01:31:30,725 --> 01:31:33,694 ♪ You'll be rewarded by time ♪ 1971 01:31:33,828 --> 01:31:37,832 ♪ For even having the guts to try ♪ 1972 01:31:37,965 --> 01:31:41,068 ♪ 'Cause movies last for as many nights ♪ 1973 01:31:41,202 --> 01:31:44,504 ♪ As the ones you love ♪