1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:27,895 ANNOUNCER: Icon, 4 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,030 legend, 5 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,600 international recording star. 6 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,035 -She's none of these things yet. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 7 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,438 Boys, girls, gays and theys, 8 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:38,806 let's welcome to the stage, 9 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:42,576 two tons of fun, twisted steel and sex appeal, 10 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,146 Ms. Darienne Lake. 11 00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:47,415 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 12 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:49,250 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 13 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,138 Hello! Hello! Hello! 14 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,273 [CHUCKLES] 15 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,408 Hello! 16 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,010 [WHOOPS] 17 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,447 Thank God. [WHOOPS] 18 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,014 Hi! 19 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,419 Hi. There we go! 20 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,054 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 21 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:31,225 Thank God, I'm a loud mouth fucking bitch. Oh! 22 00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:35,829 Does she need a microphone? No, she doesn't. Hi. 23 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,266 Does she need a railing to go down these two steps? 24 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,000 No! 25 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,403 -I'm calling OSHA, by the way. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 26 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,838 I'm calling OSHA. Oh, my God! 27 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:48,008 Thank you all for joining me on my fitness journey. 28 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,344 [AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 29 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:53,714 Down those two steps, I'm exhausted. 30 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,216 Jesus fucking Christ. 31 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,451 Oh, that's more exercise I've had all week. 32 00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,687 Thank God I got a cocktail. 33 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,189 -Ooh! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 34 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,758 Get the show started off fucking right. 35 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,093 How's everybody doing? 36 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,329 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 37 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,532 Oh, yes! 38 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,201 Big girl is in the house, honey. 39 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,869 Big girl is in the house on her little fitness journey. 40 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,206 Thank you. Thank you. 41 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:19,873 Oh, my God. 42 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,776 And I know we got big girls in the audience today. 43 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,645 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 44 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,980 You don't need to applaud. I can hear you breathing. 45 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,282 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 46 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,917 [GROANING] 47 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,353 It was a long walk here. 48 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,888 But that does not mean 49 00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:38,459 that we are not big, gorgeous and sexy, and fuckable, honey. 50 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,493 Yes! 51 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,463 I know. Uh! [CHUCKLES] 52 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,466 Hey, honey. Hi. Hi. 53 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,236 You know how to get a big girl like me in bed with you? 54 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:49,803 Piece of cake. 55 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,505 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 56 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,707 Ha-ha! 57 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,243 Oh, hi. 58 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,246 Hi. Oh. [CHUCKLES] 59 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,382 Hi. [CHUCKLES] 60 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:05,653 My voice isn't very deep, [CHUCKLES] but my throat is. 61 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,955 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -[GROWLING] 62 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:10,157 Oh! [CHUCKLES] 63 00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:13,060 I've got to say I'm quite the catch. [CHUCKLES] 64 00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:14,728 Because I don't run very fast. 65 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,397 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Uh-uh. No. 66 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,632 I know. My pantyhose won't even run. 67 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,568 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 68 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,070 My friend upstairs is, like, "Honey, your pantyhose are sagging at the ankles." 69 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,838 I'm, like, "I'm not wearing any." 70 00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,640 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 71 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,076 Oh. Ha-ha. Ah. 72 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,412 But I will say, though, you know, I am single. 73 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,846 Shocker, I know. 74 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,014 Gasp! 75 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,284 Anybody single here? Single people? 76 00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:38,786 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 77 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,654 People in relationships? 78 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,656 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 79 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:43,824 Fuck you. 80 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,326 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Uh, no. [CHUCKLES] 81 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:49,297 Oh, I don't know why I'm single. I'm like an animal in bed. 82 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,933 -A possum. Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 83 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,135 I just lie there and pretend like I'm dead. 84 00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:00,708 And I don't have tics. [CHUCKLES] 85 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,110 Yet. Uh... [CHUCKLES] 86 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,845 I'm actually, um, personally looking for, 87 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,347 like, a friend with benefits. 88 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,081 No, actually, I'm looking for a stranger with benefits. 89 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,683 I got enough fucking friends. 90 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,319 Oh, hi. Is anybody there? 91 00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:12,786 Anybody single? Anybody looking? 92 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:16,724 Anybody want a big, fat, gorgeous lady like myself? 93 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,693 -Oh. No? Okay, thank you. Thank you. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 94 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,363 "I'm terrified. I'm scared." [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] 95 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:25,032 My friends, they get sex all the time. 96 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,534 I mean, probably because they're built 97 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,702 like fucking Greek gods, you know? 98 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:31,805 Like, chiseled, just muscles out of marble, 99 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,174 -the tiny little dicks. Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 100 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,877 Uh, they do, they do. 101 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:40,213 My one friend, he looks like fucking Superman, you know? 102 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,216 And if I was lucky, I would look like Spider Veins. 103 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,918 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 104 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,454 Uh... [CHUCKLES] 105 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:49,557 I know, like, I'm on my feet a lot, you know, 106 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:52,393 -and I'm a hair stylist as well, so, you know? -[AUDEINCE CHEERING] 107 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,495 Oh! Thank you, thank you. 108 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,730 Thank you. 109 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:59,600 -And I'm a slut, so I'm on my knees a lot. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 110 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,136 Oh. [CHUCKLES] 111 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,205 Uh, I've tried working out, though. 112 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:08,241 Um, at the gym, I'm like a ninja. 113 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,411 You'll never see me there. 114 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,945 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 115 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,817 My friend, David, was, like, "You know what? 116 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:20,253 "Maybe you should start small, like, do like the couch to 5K." 117 00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,655 Do you know what that is? It's like, 118 00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,591 "Oh, here's a little app or whatever," and it's like, 119 00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:26,894 you go from the couch, and then before you know it, you do 5K, 120 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:30,998 and then before you know it, you're doing a fucking marathon. 121 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:34,502 -That's 26.2 fucking miles. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 122 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,169 No. 123 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:40,774 -Honey, I don't even want to drive 26.2 fucking miles. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 124 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,910 No. Gas is expensive. 125 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,746 Thanks, Joe Biden. Um... 126 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,549 Let's go, Brandon! 127 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,217 That was a test. And you all passed. 128 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,420 -Thank you. Thank you. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 129 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,755 I know we're here with the right audience, then. 130 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,524 Oh, yeah! 131 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,958 But, seriously, I mean, 26... 132 00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,793 If your friend calls you up and they're, like, 133 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,595 "Hey, could you pick me up from the airport? 134 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,831 "I'm, like, 26.2 miles away." 135 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,866 Nope. 136 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,436 You should've called a better fucking friend. 137 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,438 Because that ain't me, honey. 138 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:13,106 No, I'm not doing no marathon anytime soon, honey. 139 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:17,110 -I'm actually in the fitness protection program... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 140 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,479 ...so, I'm good, you know? 141 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,981 Do you guys work out? You guys are all... Come on. 142 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,450 -WOMAN 1: Yeah. -Yep. 143 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:24,652 Just you, fatty. 144 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:25,986 -Just... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 145 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:27,621 Thank you. Thank you. 146 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:31,191 I've tried everything, though. Like, I joined the Overeaters Anonymous. 147 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:35,829 -And the 30-day chip is a barbecue, so... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 148 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,665 Delish. I know. 149 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,133 -Somebody's in the program. Oh, I know. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 150 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:43,504 I'm holding out for the sour cream and cheddar. Ah! 151 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,138 Those are good. 152 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,640 You don't try those? They're good. 153 00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:50,511 Once you pop, it's just like me, honey. [CHUCKLES] 154 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:53,581 Oh, yeah. But Overeaters Anonymous is, um... 155 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,316 It's a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous. 156 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,351 Uh, you know, there's the 12 steps. 157 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:01,221 -Thankfully, they're not upstairs. [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 158 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,556 Yeah. 159 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,257 But I think it's funny, though. It's, like, 160 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,094 Overeaters Anonymous. 161 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,598 -Anonymous. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 162 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:13,400 Nobody can tell that you're an overeater. 163 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,802 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 164 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:15,903 Nobody. 165 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,137 [GROWLS] 166 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,207 [CHUCKLES] 167 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,310 -Really? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 168 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,411 Anonymous. 169 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:27,080 And, mmm-hmm, there's... Big secret. 170 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,281 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 171 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,519 Yeah, but I've tried, like, the keto, the paleo, 172 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:34,154 the low carb, the Atkins, whatever it was. 173 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:39,259 You know, I realized, like, I'm just, like, a fucking, uh, carb-aholic. 174 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,427 I must be allergic. 175 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,095 Like, whenever I eat carbs, 176 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,632 I just [BLOWS RASPBERRY] blow up like a puffer fish. 177 00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,534 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Um, delish, though. 178 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,301 And I tried that, uh, 179 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,803 Jared from the sandwich shop. 180 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:52,640 You know, the sandwich shop guy, the Jared, Subway... 181 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,008 -You know, "Eat fresh." Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 182 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,545 Jared from Subway. Do you remember Jared from the sandwich shop? 183 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,846 Yeah. Um, 184 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,914 that's where you, like, eat three sandwiches a day 185 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,850 and then have sex with underage boys. 186 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,552 [AUDIENCE GASPS, LAUGHS] 187 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,253 Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Was he your friend? 188 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,989 -I didn't mean to offend your fucking friend. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 189 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,093 Isn't it funny that he started off 190 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,262 with, like, a mild cholesterol problem 191 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,198 and ended up with, like, a child molesterol problem? 192 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,733 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 193 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,069 Yeah. Yeah! 194 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:25,038 But for me, boys are like blackjack. [CHUCKLES] 195 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,407 Anything over 21 is too much. Ha-ha. 196 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,209 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 197 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,711 Hit me! [CHUCKLES] 198 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,479 Hit me! Hit me again. 199 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:35,583 -I like it rough. Uh... [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 200 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,585 I tried the Richard Simmons diet. 201 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,453 Uh, that's where you get sick and then just wither away. 202 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,089 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 203 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,659 Aw, poor Richard in his shorts. 204 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,095 -Yay! Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 205 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,931 I got one of those fit watches, whatever, you know? 206 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,834 It's like an apple pie watch. Um... 207 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:57,270 But it's, like, you know... It gives you, like, little notifications, 208 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,440 and it's, like, "Hey, why don't you get up and get moving?" 209 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:03,410 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 210 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,879 Why don't I take you back to the fucking store where I got you from? 211 00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,147 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 212 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,150 So, I threw it across the room. [CHUCKLES] 213 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:14,087 But, um, you know, I tried, like, the food tracker apps 214 00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,723 and stuff like that, or whatever. 215 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,024 So, I'm like, entering all my food, 216 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,759 and I'm like, "I'm gonna be good. 217 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,360 "I believe in myself. 218 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,662 "I can do this." 219 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,964 So I'm entering my food, it's 03:00 p.m. 220 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,099 and the app is, like, 221 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:30,470 "Maybe for dinner you should have a handful of sleeping pills." 222 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,405 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 223 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,079 Now, I don't know 224 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,850 if the app just told me to go to bed 225 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,886 because I've had enough to eat today, 226 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,756 or maybe it told me to fucking kill myself. 227 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,758 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 228 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,260 Either way, I'll give it a shot. 229 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:54,394 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 230 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,698 When I was a little boy, my mom took me 231 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,800 to Jazzercise classes and stuff. 232 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,401 I know somebody just went, "Boy?" 233 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,236 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 234 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,839 I know. Did I not mention that I was a boy? 235 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:07,808 Oh, my God, I hope... 236 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,777 Does anybody not know that I'm a drag queen? 237 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,412 That I'm a man? That I'm a... You don't know? 238 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,681 Oh, my God. Wow! 239 00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,816 Somebody take her to the eye doctor's. Thank you. 240 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,385 Jesus fucking Christ. 241 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,888 I don't know what gave it away. Was it the wig? 242 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,956 Ten pounds of makeup. [CHUCKLES] 243 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,624 Uh, maybe it was the size 12... 244 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,093 Uh, 8 shoe. 245 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,496 [CHUCKLES] Maybe it's that. 246 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:30,764 Maybe it's my arm hair. 247 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,800 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Um, it could be anything. 248 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,068 [IN DEEP VOICE] The deep voice. Thank you. 249 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,905 [IN NORMAL VOICE] But I don't want to be a woman. 250 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,740 You know, like, I am a drag queen. 251 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,241 I am happy being a man. 252 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,976 -Um, you know, thank you. -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 253 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,578 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 254 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:48,615 I know there are some people who are, you know, transgender, 255 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,584 and they believe that they are born in the wrong body. 256 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:54,688 It's like, God, you know, apparently, was like, "Oops." 257 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:56,189 Uh, didn't do his paperwork. 258 00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,191 Um, so, you know, that is not me. 259 00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:03,163 Like, I am very happy and very comfortable being a man in a dress. 260 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:06,366 -Performing for love, and applause and... -[WOMAN WHOOPS] 261 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,101 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 262 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,505 And money. 263 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:13,841 Please buy my merchandise. 264 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,743 It's on my website. I don't have it. 265 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,177 -Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 266 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,747 All of it was made in America 267 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,348 by dreamer children in cages. Uh... 268 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,350 -[AUDIENCE GASPS] -I'm kidding. I know it's horrible. 269 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,384 It's horrible. 270 00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,186 Please go out there and fucking vote. 271 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:30,290 And remember, if you're, like, a person who's not an ally, um, 272 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,359 -I hate you. No, but... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 273 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,194 But even if you are a straight person 274 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,863 who's like, "Well, it doesn't affect me." 275 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,265 Like, listen, abortion doesn't affect me. 276 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,767 I'm never going to have an abortion. 277 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,434 But I'm here for your fight. 278 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,570 -So, you've got to be for our fight. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 279 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,637 You know? 280 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,774 [CHEERING CONTINUES] 281 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,576 Let's get in a fight! 282 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,281 I like to perform for the love, 283 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,149 for the applause, for the money. 284 00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:58,051 -Um... -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 285 00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,820 And for the occasional "straight dick." 286 00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,155 -[LAUGHING] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 287 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,257 Ah-ha. 288 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,295 -Or the curved dick, uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 289 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:11,231 Black dick, white dick, uh, brown dick, it don't matter. 290 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:15,468 -Uh, you know, spotted dick. Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 291 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,905 That... By the way, that's, like, a British pudding, 292 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,639 and I'm a fat hog, 293 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,474 so I... Spotted dick. 294 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,076 I don't care if it's an ombre dick. 295 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,244 You know, it's different colors. 296 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,546 I'm into it. I'm all there. 297 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,181 I love it. Uh... 298 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,017 [MOANING] 299 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:36,990 But it's really hard, though, trying to date as a drag queen 300 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,591 because, you know, they're all like... 301 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,861 "If I wanted to be with a man, I'd be with a man, 302 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,562 "not somebody dressed like a woman." 303 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,631 All right. 304 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,534 [GROANS] 305 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,538 So, I feel like drag queens are kind of like car accidents. 306 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,673 You know, everybody wants to see one, 307 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,843 but nobody wants to get involved in one. 308 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:57,277 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 309 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,013 But I will say, though, 310 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:03,116 like, I have been lucky, on occasion, 311 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,085 to get a boy to, you know... 312 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,753 Who's like, "You're pretty enough." 313 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:07,855 Uh... 314 00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:09,923 I know. [CHUCKLES] 315 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,424 Thank you. 316 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,460 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Little boost in my confidence here. 317 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:14,862 Thank you. 318 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,964 But I worked at this one club 319 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,431 where all the straight girls 320 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,033 would bring their straight boyfriends, 321 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:24,104 and then all the boyfriends would magically find their way, 322 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:27,941 backstage, down the steps to the basement, 323 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,342 all the way around the corner 324 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,978 to where the dressing rooms were. 325 00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,346 [GROANING] Hi. 326 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,315 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 327 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,450 And there was this one boy, Sean... 328 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,119 I probably shouldn't use his name. 329 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,620 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 330 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,990 -Sean Spicer. No, um, so... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 331 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,326 So... 332 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,561 Actually, this boy, he was so cute. 333 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,231 He was my type because he was alive. 334 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,633 -And, um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 335 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,135 I mean, nothing against dead guys. 336 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,303 They're nice, too. 337 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,972 Uh, but, you know, it's not the same fight. 338 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,573 Uh, so... 339 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,642 Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that. 340 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,776 Um... [CHUCKLES] 341 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,645 So, this boy comes sniffing around. [SNIFFS] 342 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,414 Drag sniffers, is what we used to call them. 343 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,715 I mean, we used to call them tea chasers, 344 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,283 but we don't use that word anymore. 345 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:13,386 Um, so he comes sniffing around and stuff. 346 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,122 And he's like, ooh, so cute. 347 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:18,391 Cute little, tight little, dirty little, white trash, trade body, 348 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,660 You know? You know the type, trade? 349 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,462 You know, that's where you trade sex for money. 350 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,232 -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] -Um, so, gorgeous little thing. 351 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,733 So, he comes downstairs. 352 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,636 And he's like, "Yeah, you wanna suck my dick?" 353 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,939 And I was like, "Oh, maybe." [CHUCKLES] 354 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,840 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 355 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:36,809 "I don't know. Maybe, you know, I got time." [CHUCKLES] 356 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,411 Oh. 357 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,013 Yeah, straight boys, ugh. 358 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,515 Even spaghetti's straight till you get it hot and wet. 359 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,452 -[GROWLS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 360 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,854 So then he pulls out his dick, [CHUCKLES] 361 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:51,524 and it was [CHUCKLES] very manageable. 362 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,360 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 363 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,868 Aww. 364 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:03,870 Aww. 365 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,207 Aww. Mmm. 366 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:08,541 So cute. 367 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,043 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 368 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:13,080 So then he tried to do the helicopter with it, you know? 369 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,681 Do you know what that is? 370 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,216 Some of the guys know. It's, like, when you take it out and... 371 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,718 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 372 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,988 It was a fidget spinner. 373 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,122 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 374 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:23,856 [MIMICKING FIDGET SPINNER] 375 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:26,293 And I have ADD, so it's cool, um... 376 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:27,527 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 377 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,063 So, I was like, "Ooh, let me play with it." 378 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,732 So, I was like, "Okay, I'll suck your dick." [CHUCKLES] 379 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,001 His girlfriend's banging on the door, 380 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,236 -but it's fine. Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 381 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,472 So, I get down there. Just like, "Ooh, let me. Okay." 382 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,009 And I grab his dick. I grab his dick. 383 00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,243 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 384 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,880 "Oh, my God, it's the biggest thing I've ever seen." 385 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,016 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 386 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,084 "I don't know if I can take it all the way." 387 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,488 So, I started sucking his dick, and he's like, "Oh, yeah." 388 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,225 So then, you know, I'm tickling the balls as you do. [CHUCKLES] 389 00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,559 -You know? -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 390 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:02,829 -Dad taught me. And, uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 391 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,564 Tickling the balls and stuff, 392 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,633 I start sliding my fingers, there's the taint, because they love that. 393 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,035 It was... A little... Mmm. 394 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,503 And then, you know, start tickling the asshole, 395 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,040 and getting that finger, getting ready. 396 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:14,807 [SLURPS] 397 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,876 And he's like, "Oh, yeah." 398 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,812 So, you know, you can't just, like, fucking, you know, just... 399 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,348 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] You know? 400 00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:22,915 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 401 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,085 This is not like a no-knock-warrant situation, 402 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,354 like, "Open up, the police!" [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 403 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,056 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Um... 404 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:31,391 You gotta, you know, like, ring the doorbell a little bit. 405 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,393 [MIMICS GAGGING] 406 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:36,063 Ding dong. Anybody home? [CHUCKLES] 407 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:39,199 He's like, "Ah!" So, one finger goes in. [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 408 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:40,600 So nice. 409 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:41,868 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 410 00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,603 And he's like, [MOANING] "Oh, yeah." 411 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,072 And I was like, "Oh, yeah." 412 00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:47,207 -Ding dong, ding Dong. [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 413 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:50,210 Let me grab two fingers. [CHUCKLES] 414 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,614 [AUDIENCE] Oh! 415 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,117 Get the taste out of my mouth. 416 00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,919 That's better. Okay. 417 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:02,089 You say, "Ew," but really, when it's too clean, 418 00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,990 you're like, "This doesn't taste like anything." 419 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:06,093 -Anyway, um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 420 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,161 Just me? All right. 421 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,363 Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. 422 00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:13,100 He's like... [MOANING] 423 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,302 I'm like, "Oh, this is good." [CHUCKLES] 424 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,003 And so, I'm like, "If he takes three fingers..." 425 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,139 I mean, I'm not normally a top, 426 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,275 but if he takes three fingers, he's... 427 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,544 I mean, that's... The girth, not the length. 428 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,646 I'm like, "He's ready for fucking." 429 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:28,681 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 430 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,950 So, I'm like, "Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong." [CHUCKLES] 431 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,819 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Oh. Ha-ha. 432 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,354 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 433 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,688 AUDIENCE: Oh! 434 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,724 WOMAN: Oh., no! 435 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,193 WOMAN: Oh! 436 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,465 -Zip. Bye. All right. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 437 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,367 So, he took off, and, um... 438 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,137 [SIGHS] 439 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,172 So, then I sat down there at my makeup table, 440 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:56,042 and grabbed a makeup wipe to clean my fingers. 441 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,678 I know. It happens. 442 00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,347 Straight guys, come on, wash your assholes. 443 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,215 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Do we have straight people here? 444 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,217 Straight guys, straight guys, where are you? 445 00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:05,385 [MEN WHOOP] 446 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,753 Yeah, a baby wipe. 447 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,887 Just something. 448 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,256 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 449 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:13,160 You know, get a bidet. They're fantastic. 450 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,728 Especially in the summertime. That brisk cold water. Ooh! 451 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,597 All right. Gets you going. Whoo! 452 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,566 I tried one of those coffee enemas. 453 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,502 Uh, word to the wise, cool the coffee down first. 454 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,171 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 455 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,573 I'm awake, but I'm, like, medium rare. 456 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,241 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 457 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:31,311 Anyway, so, I'm wiping my finger, and I was like, 458 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,747 "Wait a second, I know three fingers went in, 459 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,749 "and I only have two fingernails left." 460 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,985 [AUDIENCE GASPING] 461 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,189 "Have fun pooping." 462 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,091 I was like... 463 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,926 But then I was, like, "Godammit, that was, like, 464 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,095 "a champagne fucking French-tip 465 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:50,863 "with the crystals on it." 466 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,765 I was mad. I wanted it back! 467 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,033 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 468 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,668 I was like, "Where did that motherfucker go?" 469 00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,870 I was like, "Drag is expensive." 470 00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,606 It is fucking expensive. Are you kidding me? 471 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,275 That's why we're constantly asking you for our money. 472 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,678 Like, I actually registered my drag as a non-profit 473 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,447 because it doesn't make any profits. 474 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,115 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 475 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,850 Oh, my God, it's horrible. 476 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,019 So, it's like, you know, there's so many things that you have to buy. 477 00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,021 It's like, [GROANS] the tits and shit. 478 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:18,958 And, like, the boobs, hip pads, dresses. 479 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:22,929 Um, and, you know, I have my foundation. 480 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,265 Uh, and my lipstick, and my mascara, 481 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:27,234 and eyelashes, and all that stuff. 482 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,403 Actually, I will say, like, 483 00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:33,373 I try to give back, um, to the gay community, 484 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,608 to the straight community, to everybody, 485 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:39,246 because, you know, that's really, I think, so important these days. 486 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:42,282 Um, all the money that I'm raising, even tonight, 487 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,317 is going to help the sick children. 488 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:48,020 Jose Cuervo, Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam... 489 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,258 Lil' Tito. Can't think about Tito. 490 00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,393 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 491 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:56,396 I love the booze! [STAMMERING] 492 00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:57,930 [WHOOPS] 493 00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,799 All my life, I've enjoyed it. [CHUCKLES] 494 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:03,236 Even when I was a little kid, my favorite game was playing 495 00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,071 "Duck, duck, Grey Goose." 496 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,506 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 497 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,411 Shots. [LAUGHING] 498 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,079 Uh, now I do shots of insulin. 499 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,447 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Uh... [CHUCKLES] 500 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,649 Oh. 501 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,851 But the cool thing about wearing a corset, though, 502 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,754 is you drink alcohol, and it just sort of sits up here, 503 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:25,292 and it won't go through your fucking body because it's so goddamn tight. 504 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,093 It's... It's... [MIMICKING RETCHING] 505 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:30,397 And then you take it off, and it all hits you like a fucking Four Loko. 506 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:34,100 [HUMMING TUNE] 507 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,168 -* I'm drunk -[CONTINUES HUMMING] 508 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,337 * I'm fucking wasted 509 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:40,440 "Hi. What are you doing? Are you single? Hi." 510 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,209 I'm actually taken. [CHUCKLES] For granted. 511 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,512 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 512 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:49,015 But ladies know the best part of the day is, like, taking your bra off 513 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,883 at the end of the day. [SIGHS IN RELIEF] 514 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,185 [WOMEN CHEERING] 515 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,722 Ah, just... 516 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,990 But even better is when you then take your dick out 517 00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,526 from between your legs, like... 518 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:03,863 Ah! It's the best fucking feeling. 519 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,164 Ah! 520 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,334 You scratch it, um... 521 00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:09,902 With two fingernails. 522 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,904 And, uh... 523 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:15,041 Every now and then, I get in drag just to make myself a sandwich. 524 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,376 [IN MANLY VOICE] "Make me a sandwich, bitch." 525 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,578 -[IN FEMININE VOICE] Okay. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 526 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,947 She's misogynistic, um, she's crazy. 527 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,382 She's insane. 528 00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:24,216 [IN NORMAL VOICE] My roommate, he actually thinks 529 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,718 that I'm schizophrenic. 530 00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:27,787 Joke's on him. I don't have a roommate. 531 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,356 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 532 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:32,925 So... 533 00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,561 But, um, every now and then, 534 00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:38,130 I get a little bit tipsy, a little bit tipsy, 535 00:21:38,164 --> 00:21:40,433 and then I pass out in my makeup. 536 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,602 And... Anybody else do that? 537 00:21:43,269 --> 00:21:44,637 [WOMAN WHOOPS] 538 00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:45,805 Thank you. 539 00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:47,607 And then you wake up, and your fucking pillow 540 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,410 -looks like the Shroud of Turin, you know? -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 541 00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:52,244 I was like, "Ooh, maybe Jesus was a drag queen." 542 00:21:52,278 --> 00:21:54,914 Um, or maybe the last supper was barbecue, 543 00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:56,248 and it's just like a wet nap. 544 00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:59,586 -Uh, oh, my God. [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 545 00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:03,155 I know, I swear to God, if you hear a crack of thunder, 546 00:22:03,189 --> 00:22:05,992 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] I might get smited by God. All right. 547 00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:09,396 So, this, I mean, you know, this is expensive makeup as well. 548 00:22:09,396 --> 00:22:10,663 Drag queen. Expensive. 549 00:22:10,697 --> 00:22:12,665 I can't... This is not Wet n Wild, honey, 550 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:14,734 This is not... It ain't Covergirl, honey, 551 00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:17,003 because Covergirl doesn't cover boy. 552 00:22:17,036 --> 00:22:18,505 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 553 00:22:18,538 --> 00:22:20,873 No, this is Sherwin-Williams. 554 00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:23,543 Home Depot. 555 00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:26,779 This is hardware store paint, you know, in a semi-gloss. 556 00:22:26,813 --> 00:22:29,416 -Um, okay, she's dewy. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 557 00:22:29,449 --> 00:22:32,685 Yeah, and, um... And, of course, you know, the corsets. 558 00:22:32,719 --> 00:22:35,522 So, if anybody does have a gun and wants to shoot me, 559 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,056 don't worry, steel bones. 560 00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:38,591 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Yeah, I know. 561 00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,427 Corsets are great because they just sort of, like, 562 00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:42,194 squeeze everything like toothpaste, 563 00:22:42,228 --> 00:22:43,796 from the middle, just... [MIMICS LEAKAGE] 564 00:22:45,064 --> 00:22:46,999 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 565 00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:53,906 Yeah. Hi. 566 00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,043 I love your blouse. 567 00:22:57,076 --> 00:23:00,547 Mmm-hmm. They call me, like, a blouse, too, because I'm a soft top. 568 00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:03,282 No, I'm kidding. No, uh... 569 00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:05,518 No, these actually aren't my titties. 570 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:06,619 These are my testicles. 571 00:23:06,653 --> 00:23:08,955 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 572 00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:11,157 I shaved them for you. You're welcome. 573 00:23:11,190 --> 00:23:13,159 Thank you. Thank you. 574 00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:16,729 Yeah, I got them done at press crafters in about an hour. 575 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,965 -Uh, so... I know. -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 576 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:21,734 Some of the drag queens, they wear those, like, tit bibs. 577 00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:24,971 You know, like, the breastplate things or whatever. 578 00:23:25,004 --> 00:23:28,140 This is grade-A, all-beef. 579 00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:30,142 -No filler. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 580 00:23:30,176 --> 00:23:31,544 Yeah. 581 00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:35,247 Those breastplates smell like Band Aids and old condoms. 582 00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:37,083 And these smell like shaving cream. 583 00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:39,986 Uh, I shave them. Thank you. 584 00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:41,854 It actually, um... 585 00:23:41,888 --> 00:23:44,390 It's a Nerf basketball that I cut in half, 586 00:23:44,491 --> 00:23:46,325 and then just squish everything, and... 587 00:23:46,358 --> 00:23:47,393 Do you want to see it? 588 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:49,028 WOMAN: Yeah! 589 00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:50,329 That costs extra. 590 00:23:50,362 --> 00:23:52,499 -Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 591 00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:54,667 And then, of course, as a drag queen, 592 00:23:54,701 --> 00:23:57,203 I, also, um... I wear hip pads. 593 00:23:57,236 --> 00:24:01,007 Hip pads, to give myself that hour- and-a-half-glass figure. 594 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,408 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 595 00:24:02,509 --> 00:24:04,577 Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 596 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,613 They're actually made out of, uh, foam. 597 00:24:06,646 --> 00:24:07,980 [MUFFLED THUDS] 598 00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:13,185 -Dusty. Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 599 00:24:13,953 --> 00:24:15,054 Couch foam. 600 00:24:15,087 --> 00:24:17,256 Yeah, you don't know. And we take the couches, 601 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:20,126 and we take those, um... The turkey knives or whatever 602 00:24:20,159 --> 00:24:22,595 that you use to carve up the turkey, and we just... [IMITATING WHIRRING] 603 00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:25,532 Because they cut the foam, just so you can shape it, 604 00:24:25,532 --> 00:24:27,700 and give yourself that gorgeous little figure. 605 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:29,001 Ooh! 606 00:24:29,035 --> 00:24:30,202 AUDIENCE: Ooh. 607 00:24:30,236 --> 00:24:31,538 Yeah. 608 00:24:31,571 --> 00:24:32,939 I'm wearing your sectional sofa right now... 609 00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:35,007 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -...is basically what I'm saying. 610 00:24:35,041 --> 00:24:37,276 So, I guess now is a good time as any 611 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:39,111 to come out as trans-sectional. 612 00:24:39,145 --> 00:24:40,780 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 613 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,181 "Don't make fun of me." 614 00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:43,950 I'm not. I'm making fun of me. 615 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,284 Okay? Thank you. 616 00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:46,553 "She's trans-sectional." 617 00:24:46,553 --> 00:24:48,621 [CHUCKLES] Yeah. The kids like to play on me. 618 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,022 Okay, um... 619 00:24:50,056 --> 00:24:53,993 I know. More cushion for the pushin'. [CHUCKLES] 620 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:57,797 Literally, more cushion for the pushin'. [CHUCKLES] 621 00:24:57,830 --> 00:25:01,968 So, actually, these hips are made out of a pull-out couch. 622 00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,203 And judging by the stains on them, 623 00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:06,372 now you know why it's called a pull-out couch. 624 00:25:06,405 --> 00:25:08,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 625 00:25:08,274 --> 00:25:09,609 [GRUNTS, BLOWS RASPBERRY] 626 00:25:09,642 --> 00:25:10,843 Uh... 627 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:13,913 My mom is very Catholic, 628 00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:16,048 and so she believed in, like, the rhythm method 629 00:25:16,082 --> 00:25:17,884 and the whole pull-out method. 630 00:25:17,917 --> 00:25:19,285 And she had five kids. 631 00:25:19,318 --> 00:25:23,389 So, she was not very good at the pull-out game at all. 632 00:25:23,422 --> 00:25:24,724 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 633 00:25:24,757 --> 00:25:26,092 I mean, she should have listened to Gloria Estefan 634 00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:27,627 when she said, "The rhythm is going to get you." 635 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,061 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 636 00:25:29,095 --> 00:25:30,262 [SINGING] * Tonight 637 00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:32,231 [GRUNTING TUNE] 638 00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:35,835 Yes. Five kids. We grew up out on Long Island. 639 00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:36,903 -Uh... -WOMAN 2: Yeah! 640 00:25:36,936 --> 00:25:38,738 Is somebody here from Long Island? 641 00:25:38,771 --> 00:25:41,608 Oh, my God, how fantastic. Hi. 642 00:25:41,608 --> 00:25:42,642 What part? 643 00:25:42,675 --> 00:25:44,043 -WOMAN 3: Suffolk. -Oh. 644 00:25:44,476 --> 00:25:46,445 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 645 00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:51,483 [SARCASTICALLY] Well, it's beautiful out there. 646 00:25:51,517 --> 00:25:53,019 [GROANS MILDLY] 647 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,654 No, actually, I'm from Long Island, 648 00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:56,422 out on North Babylon, Suffolk County. 649 00:25:56,455 --> 00:25:58,991 [IN NEW YORK ACCENT] I lost my accent. I don't talk like I used to. 650 00:25:59,025 --> 00:26:02,995 [IN NORMAL ACCENT] But I'm the middle child of five kids. 651 00:26:03,029 --> 00:26:06,966 Um, boy, boy, me, girl, girl. 652 00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:09,501 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 653 00:26:09,535 --> 00:26:10,937 Yeah. 654 00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:13,339 Physical abuse on one side and mental abuse on another. 655 00:26:13,372 --> 00:26:15,341 Thank you. Thank you. 656 00:26:15,374 --> 00:26:20,079 -I guess I'm what you call the "transitional" child. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 657 00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:24,116 My parents prayed a little too hard for a girl third time around. 658 00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:26,352 Yeah, I'll meet you halfway. 659 00:26:26,385 --> 00:26:27,787 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 660 00:26:28,387 --> 00:26:30,690 Oh, oh. Ha-ha. 661 00:26:30,723 --> 00:26:33,259 Who knows which half. Um, so... 662 00:26:33,292 --> 00:26:36,228 But my parents, probably, they must've, you know, 663 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:39,031 known I was, like, you know, "different." 664 00:26:39,065 --> 00:26:41,200 You know, a little queer, a little... 665 00:26:41,233 --> 00:26:44,036 Um, because, like... So, my older brothers, 666 00:26:44,070 --> 00:26:46,372 they had, like, this red onesie and stuff, you know? 667 00:26:46,405 --> 00:26:50,242 So, my older brother had it, and then it was handed down to my next brother. 668 00:26:50,276 --> 00:26:52,411 And so then he had it, and he grew really fast, 669 00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,881 so they cut the legs off of it and stuff. 670 00:26:54,914 --> 00:26:56,382 And then by the time I got it, 671 00:26:56,415 --> 00:26:59,752 it had been washed so many times, that it had turned pink. 672 00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:02,889 So, there I am, a little corny kid in a fucking pink romper, 673 00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:04,691 -just like... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 674 00:27:06,425 --> 00:27:07,960 "Hi." [CHUCKLES] 675 00:27:07,994 --> 00:27:10,296 -"Like my romper? It's got pockets." [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 676 00:27:10,329 --> 00:27:12,064 "It's got pockets." It's like girls with dresses. 677 00:27:12,098 --> 00:27:15,034 "It's got pockets." Oh, my God, I love it. Oh. 678 00:27:15,067 --> 00:27:17,837 Or then I put on my dad's, like, big t-shirt, 679 00:27:17,870 --> 00:27:19,538 and he's like, "Oh, I'm proud of my boy." 680 00:27:19,571 --> 00:27:22,241 And then I put a belt around it, and played Charlie's Angels. 681 00:27:23,609 --> 00:27:24,711 "Cover me, Bri." 682 00:27:25,577 --> 00:27:26,979 [CHUCKLES] 683 00:27:27,013 --> 00:27:29,982 Oh, I mean, it was the '70s. You know, shocking. 684 00:27:30,016 --> 00:27:33,485 Um, and so, like, they must have seen, like, 685 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:37,156 "Uh, this one's a little, you know," [CHUCKLES] "a little crazy." 686 00:27:37,189 --> 00:27:39,992 Um, I would, like, enter every room 687 00:27:40,026 --> 00:27:42,561 like there was a beaded curtain in the doorway. 688 00:27:42,594 --> 00:27:44,163 Do you remember, like, the beaded curtains? 689 00:27:44,196 --> 00:27:45,832 Anybody old enough to remember, like, Greg Brady, 690 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:48,000 -and he had the beaded curtains and stuff? -[AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 691 00:27:48,034 --> 00:27:49,969 Hello. Wooden beads and stuff. 692 00:27:50,870 --> 00:27:53,072 So, I'd enter every single room 693 00:27:53,105 --> 00:27:55,241 like there was a beaded curtain in the doorway. 694 00:27:57,109 --> 00:27:58,610 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING] 695 00:27:58,644 --> 00:28:00,046 Gotta push them out of the way. 696 00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,552 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 697 00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:09,655 "Hi, everybody. 698 00:28:10,489 --> 00:28:12,124 "Welcome to my den." 699 00:28:12,825 --> 00:28:13,926 [SIGHS] 700 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,094 There I was, sitting on the floor, 701 00:28:15,127 --> 00:28:17,129 playing with my sister's Barbies. 702 00:28:17,163 --> 00:28:19,265 My mom saw that, and she was like, 703 00:28:19,298 --> 00:28:21,667 "No, that is not a toy for boys." 704 00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:23,936 Snatch. 705 00:28:23,970 --> 00:28:26,205 So, then, she gave me a He-Man doll. 706 00:28:26,238 --> 00:28:28,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 707 00:28:30,009 --> 00:28:31,110 [SOBBING] Thank you. 708 00:28:31,143 --> 00:28:33,112 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 709 00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:36,448 Oh, my God, it's my type. [SOBS] 710 00:28:36,482 --> 00:28:40,219 Those big, huge muscles. You remember He-Man, right? Oh! 711 00:28:40,252 --> 00:28:42,288 He can lift a ton. He can't spell it. 712 00:28:42,321 --> 00:28:44,523 -Um... [GRUNTS] -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 713 00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:47,459 Oh, and it was like, his head, like, that page boy haircut. 714 00:28:47,493 --> 00:28:50,129 It just... It just was shaped like a penis head. 715 00:28:50,162 --> 00:28:51,497 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 716 00:28:52,064 --> 00:28:54,000 Felt like one. Uh... 717 00:28:54,033 --> 00:28:56,535 [AUDIENCE CLAPPING] 718 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:58,304 I mean, you know, with enough lube. 719 00:28:58,337 --> 00:29:00,339 -And, uh... [CHUCKLES] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 720 00:29:01,007 --> 00:29:03,810 Uh, wow. I was pretty faggoty. 721 00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:05,244 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 722 00:29:05,277 --> 00:29:06,913 We have gay people here? 723 00:29:06,946 --> 00:29:08,280 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 724 00:29:08,314 --> 00:29:10,582 That's where there are. Get 'em! Get 'em! No. 725 00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:14,086 But my brothers would always watch, 726 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,222 like, wrestling on the TV and stuff. 727 00:29:16,255 --> 00:29:19,091 And, as a little gay kid, I was, like, "Whoa!" 728 00:29:19,125 --> 00:29:20,559 So, they're watching wrestling and stuff, 729 00:29:20,592 --> 00:29:21,894 and I'm sitting there on the couch, 730 00:29:21,928 --> 00:29:23,495 just leapfrogging the pillows. 731 00:29:25,932 --> 00:29:27,166 "Yeah. Pin him down." 732 00:29:27,199 --> 00:29:28,835 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 733 00:29:28,835 --> 00:29:30,903 "Pin him down like that." 734 00:29:30,937 --> 00:29:33,072 I'm just pretending like John Cena is going to put me 735 00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:34,740 between The Rock and a hard place. 736 00:29:34,841 --> 00:29:35,908 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 737 00:29:35,942 --> 00:29:38,477 Oh, yeah. Oh. [CHUCKLES] 738 00:29:38,510 --> 00:29:40,847 Do you guys remember, like, wrestling in school? 739 00:29:40,847 --> 00:29:43,983 [GRUNTS] Wrestling in school, that was fun. 740 00:29:44,016 --> 00:29:45,451 You know, going into my teen years 741 00:29:45,484 --> 00:29:47,854 when you're starting to develop and stuff, you know? 742 00:29:47,854 --> 00:29:49,922 And my boo-boos were coming in. 743 00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:52,358 Um, do you remember... Ugh. 744 00:29:52,391 --> 00:29:54,526 Do you remember, like, the first position and stuff? 745 00:29:55,061 --> 00:29:56,428 No, you don't? 746 00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:57,763 Do you want me to teach you? 747 00:29:57,864 --> 00:29:59,198 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 748 00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:01,367 Because you're in the front here. 749 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,170 Okay. Come here. 750 00:30:04,203 --> 00:30:06,605 Don't trip. Don't trip. Don't trip. 751 00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,208 -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -Don't trip over the... 752 00:30:09,241 --> 00:30:11,477 Don't smash the light. I gotta pay for it. 753 00:30:11,844 --> 00:30:14,013 Okay. Hi. 754 00:30:14,046 --> 00:30:15,614 -What is your name? -Ryan. 755 00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:18,617 -Ryan. Are you heterosexual? -Absolutely not. 756 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:20,552 I can tell by the way you're dressed. 757 00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:22,321 I could tell by the way you're dressed. 758 00:30:22,354 --> 00:30:24,156 I know. It's a great combination. 759 00:30:24,190 --> 00:30:25,892 Okay, so, you don't remember high school, 760 00:30:25,925 --> 00:30:27,359 like, wrestling and stuff? 761 00:30:27,994 --> 00:30:29,361 Okay, So I'll let you... 762 00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:31,530 Maybe this will refresh your memory. 763 00:30:31,563 --> 00:30:34,833 -Okay. So, the first position, all right? -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 764 00:30:34,867 --> 00:30:37,236 This is great. The greatest thing about school, 765 00:30:37,269 --> 00:30:38,670 like, in wrestling, they're, like, "Okay, 766 00:30:38,704 --> 00:30:40,572 "we're going to line everybody up by weight class." 767 00:30:40,606 --> 00:30:43,209 So, that's why I picked you, because I figured, "Huh. Close enough." 768 00:30:43,242 --> 00:30:45,011 -Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 769 00:30:45,044 --> 00:30:47,146 No. But seriously, it was like, little twink, little twink, little twink, 770 00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:48,514 normal-sized person, 771 00:30:48,547 --> 00:30:50,516 normal-sized person, a normal-sized... 772 00:30:50,549 --> 00:30:54,253 The butch guy, the bully, the coach. 773 00:30:56,022 --> 00:30:57,356 And then me. 774 00:30:58,357 --> 00:31:00,159 I was 12. Um, so, 775 00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:01,493 I was, like, "It's okay. I'm heavy enough." 776 00:31:01,527 --> 00:31:03,762 Okay. So, first position. 777 00:31:03,795 --> 00:31:05,764 -All fours. Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 778 00:31:06,765 --> 00:31:09,035 -This is... -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 779 00:31:10,369 --> 00:31:13,239 This is Greco-Roman wrestling, okay? 780 00:31:13,272 --> 00:31:16,408 So, there I am, the second person, 781 00:31:16,442 --> 00:31:20,146 he puts his hand here on your shoulder. 782 00:31:20,179 --> 00:31:22,949 Does anybody... Anybody remember this from school? 783 00:31:22,949 --> 00:31:26,085 Oh, my God, was it just me? Did I go to a faggoty school? 784 00:31:26,118 --> 00:31:27,753 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 785 00:31:27,786 --> 00:31:30,957 It's probably Catholic school. So, he puts his hand here. 786 00:31:30,957 --> 00:31:32,224 So, then he also puts his... 787 00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:34,793 Oh, God, I'm going to kneel down. Jesus fucking Christ. 788 00:31:35,461 --> 00:31:36,963 I may never get up. 789 00:31:36,963 --> 00:31:39,631 Um, I'm going to get it up, but I'm never going to get up. 790 00:31:40,199 --> 00:31:41,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 791 00:31:43,002 --> 00:31:44,003 There. That's right. 792 00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:47,974 So, then he puts his other leg here 793 00:31:47,974 --> 00:31:49,841 in his crotch, like, here, 794 00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:52,744 and then he reaches the other hand around 795 00:31:53,479 --> 00:31:54,981 to caress your boobies. 796 00:31:56,515 --> 00:31:59,351 I was, like, "Oh. This is gay." 797 00:31:59,385 --> 00:32:01,120 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 798 00:32:01,153 --> 00:32:04,056 If you ever watch, like, high school wrestling, this is how it starts. 799 00:32:04,090 --> 00:32:05,591 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 800 00:32:05,624 --> 00:32:07,059 Oh, your nipples are hard. 801 00:32:07,093 --> 00:32:08,727 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 802 00:32:09,728 --> 00:32:11,563 You smell nice, too. 803 00:32:12,231 --> 00:32:13,732 What was your name again? 804 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:15,067 -Ryan. -I don't care. 805 00:32:15,101 --> 00:32:16,768 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 806 00:32:17,603 --> 00:32:20,372 And so, there I am, 12-years-old, 807 00:32:20,406 --> 00:32:22,574 trying not to get a boner in sweatpants. 808 00:32:24,743 --> 00:32:27,579 I'm like, "Grandma peeing, Grandma peeing, Grandma peeing." 809 00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:31,383 I know. This is... Are you feeling good? 810 00:32:31,417 --> 00:32:33,252 You are sturdy. I like you, Ryan. 811 00:32:35,021 --> 00:32:36,088 Okay. [CHUCKLES] 812 00:32:36,822 --> 00:32:38,624 Thank you. Um, so then... 813 00:32:38,657 --> 00:32:40,459 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 814 00:32:40,492 --> 00:32:42,128 Look at that. She got up. 815 00:32:42,161 --> 00:32:43,329 Okay. You can get up. 816 00:32:43,362 --> 00:32:44,896 Ryan, I want to say thank you. Thank you. 817 00:32:44,930 --> 00:32:47,133 Thank you, Ryan, for the demonstration. 818 00:32:47,166 --> 00:32:48,234 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 819 00:32:48,267 --> 00:32:49,268 Thank you. 820 00:32:52,871 --> 00:32:56,075 So, that is seriously the starting position 821 00:32:56,108 --> 00:32:59,411 for, like, Greco-Roman wrestling in high school and stuff. 822 00:32:59,445 --> 00:33:02,348 And sometimes, they're like, "Oh, we're going to do shirts against skins." 823 00:33:02,381 --> 00:33:05,484 That's where, skins, you have to take your shirt off. 824 00:33:05,517 --> 00:33:07,053 I'm like, "Wow, this is faggoty." 825 00:33:07,053 --> 00:33:10,156 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Um... And I'm into it. 826 00:33:10,189 --> 00:33:11,357 So, there I am. 827 00:33:11,390 --> 00:33:13,059 And I'm, like, on top of the coach, 828 00:33:13,059 --> 00:33:15,061 because that's the only one in my weight class. 829 00:33:15,061 --> 00:33:16,562 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 830 00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:19,065 And there I am, with my dick against his ass. 831 00:33:19,065 --> 00:33:20,199 And I'm like, "Ooh!" 832 00:33:21,567 --> 00:33:24,070 -"Put me in, coach." Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 833 00:33:25,104 --> 00:33:26,605 [AGGRESSIVELY] "Put me in, coach!" 834 00:33:27,806 --> 00:33:29,241 I won't say that on an airplane. 835 00:33:29,275 --> 00:33:31,443 -But, "Put me in, coach." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 836 00:33:31,477 --> 00:33:34,613 I'm like, "Whoo!" Oh. 837 00:33:34,646 --> 00:33:37,083 So, then they blow the whistle. He starts it. 838 00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:40,852 He flips me over on to that fucking mat so goddamn fast. 839 00:33:40,886 --> 00:33:42,521 Wham! And I was, like... [MOANS LOUDLY] 840 00:33:42,554 --> 00:33:45,857 He's like, "I win." I'm like, "I think we both win, sir." 841 00:33:45,891 --> 00:33:48,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING] 842 00:33:57,002 --> 00:34:00,572 Uh. And now I wonder why I have a daddy fantasy, you know? 843 00:34:00,606 --> 00:34:02,841 It's, like, "Ooh, I love the daddies." 844 00:34:02,874 --> 00:34:04,476 I think I'm... Jesus Christ. 845 00:34:05,677 --> 00:34:06,912 They're moving on. 846 00:34:09,515 --> 00:34:10,816 I'm making butter. 847 00:34:11,750 --> 00:34:13,519 All right. 848 00:34:13,552 --> 00:34:15,521 Oh, yeah. So, I love the daddies. 849 00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,123 I was with this guy last night, 850 00:34:17,156 --> 00:34:20,626 um, and he was like, "Yeah, you want to call me Daddy?" 851 00:34:20,659 --> 00:34:23,129 And I'm like, "Can I just call you Dad, 852 00:34:23,129 --> 00:34:24,563 "and you just say you're proud of me?" 853 00:34:24,596 --> 00:34:26,031 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 854 00:34:27,499 --> 00:34:28,734 [GROANING] 855 00:34:28,767 --> 00:34:31,237 Anybody else? Yeah. [GROANS] 856 00:34:32,003 --> 00:34:33,139 So, I called him Daddy. 857 00:34:33,172 --> 00:34:35,641 Uh, and then he called me a cab, 858 00:34:35,674 --> 00:34:37,143 -and, uh... -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 859 00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:39,478 Which is fair, because I was wearing a yellow dress. 860 00:34:39,511 --> 00:34:40,646 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 861 00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:42,013 [IN MANLY VOICE] "You're a cab." 862 00:34:43,014 --> 00:34:44,650 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Anyway. I know. 863 00:34:44,683 --> 00:34:47,819 I know. Are they still yellow? Who takes it... All right. Anyway 864 00:34:47,853 --> 00:34:50,489 Uh. But my dad, though, he actually noticed... 865 00:34:50,522 --> 00:34:52,658 He noticed that I was getting a little, you know... 866 00:34:52,691 --> 00:34:55,661 Like, apparently, in my family, 867 00:34:55,694 --> 00:34:58,730 I don't have any cousins, aunts, uncles... Nobody's gay. 868 00:34:58,764 --> 00:35:01,233 I'm the only fruit on my family tree, like... 869 00:35:01,267 --> 00:35:02,168 WOMAN: Whoo! 870 00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:04,736 Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. 871 00:35:04,770 --> 00:35:07,839 Random genetic fabulosity. That's what it is. 872 00:35:07,873 --> 00:35:10,509 Yeah. So, he always wanted to butch me up. 873 00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:13,445 He's, like, "Throw a ball! I want you to throw a ball. 874 00:35:13,479 --> 00:35:14,946 "Just fucking throw a ball." 875 00:35:14,980 --> 00:35:16,682 I'm, like, "All right, God." 876 00:35:16,715 --> 00:35:19,017 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 877 00:35:19,050 --> 00:35:22,954 So, then I finally threw a ball, and he didn't even attend. 878 00:35:22,988 --> 00:35:24,490 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 879 00:35:28,026 --> 00:35:30,061 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 880 00:35:32,998 --> 00:35:35,033 I mean, I don't blame him, you know? 881 00:35:35,066 --> 00:35:37,503 It's one of those, like, Eyes Wide Shut sex balls 882 00:35:37,536 --> 00:35:39,771 but, you know... 883 00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:41,307 Like, I'm never going to have sex with my dad. 884 00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:43,509 Ew, gross. [MIMICKING RETCHING] 885 00:35:43,542 --> 00:35:46,545 He's a horrible kisser, and that is a dealbreaker in my house. 886 00:35:48,013 --> 00:35:49,215 I'm just kidding. He's really good. 887 00:35:49,248 --> 00:35:51,049 -Uh, anyway... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 888 00:35:51,817 --> 00:35:52,951 Grabs the hands. 889 00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:54,653 Oh, that is fucking twisted. 890 00:35:55,587 --> 00:35:57,323 That was twisted. I know. 891 00:35:57,356 --> 00:36:00,826 I was, like, "Oh, my God, Mom, how did I end up this fucking twisted? 892 00:36:00,859 --> 00:36:03,094 "Did you drop me on my head as a baby?" 893 00:36:03,128 --> 00:36:04,330 And she's like... 894 00:36:04,896 --> 00:36:07,032 [EXHALING] 895 00:36:07,065 --> 00:36:08,900 "Hon, you got to be held to be dropped." 896 00:36:08,934 --> 00:36:11,237 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 897 00:36:11,237 --> 00:36:13,539 I was, like, "Holy fucking shit. 898 00:36:13,572 --> 00:36:17,709 "Wow! I'm going to make a therapist very rich someday." 899 00:36:17,743 --> 00:36:21,413 I know. I was, like, "Did you smoke while you were pregnant?" 900 00:36:21,447 --> 00:36:23,882 She was like, "Uh, only when I drank." 901 00:36:23,915 --> 00:36:25,251 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 902 00:36:25,751 --> 00:36:27,253 Um... 903 00:36:27,253 --> 00:36:30,389 That was the '70s, man. The '70s were fucking wild. 904 00:36:30,422 --> 00:36:33,091 I don't know if anybody is old enough to remember that shit. 905 00:36:33,124 --> 00:36:35,294 Jesus, just me? 906 00:36:35,327 --> 00:36:38,264 -Thanks. Wow. Thank you. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 907 00:36:38,297 --> 00:36:41,267 I'm the chaperone today. You kids be good now. 908 00:36:41,267 --> 00:36:42,568 No, the '70s were wild. 909 00:36:42,601 --> 00:36:44,403 I mean, I don't know how I ended up so fucked up. 910 00:36:44,436 --> 00:36:46,338 It could have been, like, the leaded paint, 911 00:36:46,372 --> 00:36:48,307 the leaded gasoline that we had, 912 00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:51,109 the Teflon pans that would just scrape off into your food, 913 00:36:51,142 --> 00:36:54,145 and just pepper it with some flavoring and cancer. 914 00:36:54,179 --> 00:36:56,014 Oh, remember Shrinky Dinks? 915 00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,283 Shrinky Dinks? 916 00:36:57,316 --> 00:37:01,920 Yeah, you take plastic and put it in the oven. 917 00:37:01,953 --> 00:37:05,190 -And then bake it at 500 fucking degrees. -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 918 00:37:05,291 --> 00:37:07,493 [INHALES] That smells great. 919 00:37:07,526 --> 00:37:08,860 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 920 00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:10,596 No wonder why I got fucking cancer. 921 00:37:10,629 --> 00:37:13,599 Jesus. Don't worry, they cut it all out of me. It's fine. 922 00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:16,435 Uh, true story. You know, wear sunscreen, kids. 923 00:37:16,468 --> 00:37:19,004 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Oh. Good times. 924 00:37:19,037 --> 00:37:20,506 I know. That actually is a true story. 925 00:37:20,539 --> 00:37:23,074 I actually did end up with a little melanoma. 926 00:37:23,108 --> 00:37:24,576 Uh, so get your skin checked. 927 00:37:24,610 --> 00:37:26,378 And if anybody... You know, Ryan, 928 00:37:26,412 --> 00:37:28,079 if you need me to check your body... 929 00:37:28,113 --> 00:37:30,081 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 930 00:37:30,115 --> 00:37:31,317 You know, I'm here for you. 931 00:37:33,552 --> 00:37:35,321 You know? Are you with your boyfriend? 932 00:37:35,887 --> 00:37:37,856 Oh. Oh. See? 933 00:37:37,889 --> 00:37:39,224 Do you have a boyfriend? 934 00:37:39,325 --> 00:37:41,327 Oh. Oh! Oh, hi. 935 00:37:42,428 --> 00:37:45,130 [CHUCKLES] I don't either. [CHUCKLES] 936 00:37:45,163 --> 00:37:46,765 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 937 00:37:46,798 --> 00:37:48,600 [DARIENNE CHUCKLES] 938 00:37:48,634 --> 00:37:51,570 Ah, so, yeah. So, you know, cancer. Good times, fun. 939 00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:53,472 But you know what, though? They say one in two people 940 00:37:53,505 --> 00:37:55,341 will get cancer in their lifetime. 941 00:37:55,341 --> 00:37:57,108 So, I took one for the team. 942 00:37:57,142 --> 00:37:58,877 Uh, so, you're welcome. 943 00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:02,047 And so, now, of course, since I had the skin cancer, 944 00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:03,649 I'm back to being a fat kid 945 00:38:03,682 --> 00:38:05,617 wearing a t-shirt in the goddamn pool. 946 00:38:05,651 --> 00:38:08,620 So, any other fat kids had to wear the pool t-shirt, 947 00:38:08,654 --> 00:38:10,822 and they're like, "Oh, this will cover my boobies." 948 00:38:11,056 --> 00:38:12,691 No. 949 00:38:12,724 --> 00:38:15,361 -Now you're just in a wet t-shirt contest. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 950 00:38:15,361 --> 00:38:18,397 [SINGING] * Pour some sugar on me 951 00:38:19,498 --> 00:38:23,001 Yeah. And in the, you know, '70s and '80s, 952 00:38:23,034 --> 00:38:24,636 like, there were the latchkey kids. 953 00:38:24,670 --> 00:38:27,072 I don't know if... Anybody a latchkey kid? 954 00:38:27,105 --> 00:38:28,474 That's where, you know, 955 00:38:28,507 --> 00:38:30,141 you didn't have a babysitter or anything like that. 956 00:38:30,175 --> 00:38:31,843 There was nobody for you. 957 00:38:31,877 --> 00:38:34,680 Your parents give you a key, and you just let yourself in the house. 958 00:38:34,713 --> 00:38:36,882 But I didn't think I was a latchkey kid 959 00:38:36,915 --> 00:38:39,851 because they never gave me a key to the house. 960 00:38:39,885 --> 00:38:41,487 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 961 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,022 I, like, was lucky if I got the fucking code 962 00:38:44,055 --> 00:38:45,857 to the garage door opener. 963 00:38:45,891 --> 00:38:47,693 So, I would sit there and play with myself... 964 00:38:47,726 --> 00:38:50,562 -By myself, and... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 965 00:38:50,596 --> 00:38:52,664 I'd usually hide up in the attic 966 00:38:52,698 --> 00:38:55,734 and play with my dad's porno magazines. 967 00:38:55,767 --> 00:38:58,837 Every dad has, like, a stash of porno magazines, right? 968 00:38:58,870 --> 00:39:00,839 And, of course, I would sit there and go through them, 969 00:39:00,872 --> 00:39:02,974 you know, for the "articles." [CHUCKLES] 970 00:39:04,476 --> 00:39:06,912 Because those were the pages that weren't stuck together. 971 00:39:06,945 --> 00:39:09,615 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 972 00:39:09,648 --> 00:39:13,419 I know. Oh. How? This is all making sense, isn't it? 973 00:39:13,452 --> 00:39:14,953 Thank you. Thank you. 974 00:39:14,986 --> 00:39:18,156 I'm saving a lot of money on therapy this week. [CHUCKLES] 975 00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:20,291 But I would sit there, and I would go through the magazines, 976 00:39:20,325 --> 00:39:21,793 and I would find the centerfold and stuff, 977 00:39:21,827 --> 00:39:24,796 and she was like, "Ooh, my turn-ons are, 978 00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:27,132 "mmm, big packages." 979 00:39:27,165 --> 00:39:28,934 I was like, "Oh, I love presents." 980 00:39:28,967 --> 00:39:31,503 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -"Me, too. Oh, my God." 981 00:39:31,537 --> 00:39:34,105 "Pizza." "Oh, fuck. I love pizza. Shit, yeah. 982 00:39:34,139 --> 00:39:35,441 "Oh, my God. Me, too." 983 00:39:35,474 --> 00:39:36,808 "I'm a Sagittarius." 984 00:39:36,842 --> 00:39:39,478 [GASPS] "I'm a Sagittarius, too, Oh, my God! Yeah." 985 00:39:39,511 --> 00:39:42,981 "Turn-offs, 'Guys with hairy backs.'" I was like... 986 00:39:44,516 --> 00:39:45,984 I don't know. I mean, I... 987 00:39:47,486 --> 00:39:49,054 At least you know you're fucking a man. 988 00:39:49,087 --> 00:39:50,456 -Uh... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 989 00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:52,558 Not so bad. Yeah. Um... 990 00:39:52,591 --> 00:39:53,959 So, yeah, turn-offs. 991 00:39:53,992 --> 00:39:56,795 And I was like, "Wow, I really decided that, um, 992 00:39:56,828 --> 00:39:58,329 "there's probably no chance in hell 993 00:39:58,363 --> 00:39:59,465 "that I'm going to be straight." 994 00:39:59,498 --> 00:40:02,000 There's no... No chance in hell. 995 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:04,936 And my mom kind of had a clue. 996 00:40:05,671 --> 00:40:07,138 She was very Catholic, 997 00:40:07,172 --> 00:40:10,341 and so she decided to sign me up to be an altar boy. 998 00:40:10,375 --> 00:40:11,743 [AUDIENCE...] 999 00:40:11,777 --> 00:40:15,547 I know, you're like, "Oh. Ooh." But I mean, free dress. 1000 00:40:15,581 --> 00:40:17,382 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1001 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,985 Sips of the communion wine and, you know... 1002 00:40:20,018 --> 00:40:21,653 [HUMMING] 1003 00:40:21,687 --> 00:40:23,188 You know, I love that... Yeah. 1004 00:40:23,221 --> 00:40:24,756 So, I was like, "Yeah, sign me up." 1005 00:40:24,790 --> 00:40:26,725 And then, the ability to be on stage. 1006 00:40:26,758 --> 00:40:29,861 I was like, "Oh my God." And he's like, "It's an altar." 1007 00:40:29,895 --> 00:40:32,263 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -"Show some fucking respect." 1008 00:40:32,297 --> 00:40:33,499 I was like, "Oh, okay." 1009 00:40:33,532 --> 00:40:35,934 So, Father, Daddy, whatever, uh... 1010 00:40:35,967 --> 00:40:37,202 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1011 00:40:38,904 --> 00:40:40,672 So, with the altar boy, it's like, 1012 00:40:40,706 --> 00:40:42,173 "Okay, we're going to the altar," and stuff, 1013 00:40:42,207 --> 00:40:44,375 and you sit there, and you kneel down on the steps, 1014 00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:45,677 and you have your bells and everything. 1015 00:40:45,711 --> 00:40:48,346 I'm like, "Okay, am I stage left or stage right?" 1016 00:40:48,379 --> 00:40:51,016 -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] -"It's an altar." 1017 00:40:51,049 --> 00:40:52,618 Did you hear there was a gay guy who went to church 1018 00:40:52,651 --> 00:40:54,152 because he heard there was a man hung like this? 1019 00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,522 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1020 00:40:56,555 --> 00:40:57,723 Oh, my God... 1021 00:40:59,424 --> 00:41:00,726 If you hear a crack of thunder... 1022 00:41:00,759 --> 00:41:03,529 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -And smell bacon. 1023 00:41:03,529 --> 00:41:05,697 You know I've been smited by God. Anyway... 1024 00:41:05,731 --> 00:41:10,201 So, during part of the performance 1025 00:41:10,235 --> 00:41:12,671 of Jesus and the whatevers... 1026 00:41:12,704 --> 00:41:14,205 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1027 00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:17,375 He's like, "This is my body," and he grabs the Eucharist... 1028 00:41:17,408 --> 00:41:18,710 You know, the... 1029 00:41:18,744 --> 00:41:20,712 You know, [HESITATES] the bread, 1030 00:41:20,746 --> 00:41:22,447 the chip, the whatever the fuck it is. 1031 00:41:22,548 --> 00:41:23,649 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1032 00:41:23,682 --> 00:41:25,350 I know. Oh, my God, I'm going right to hell, 1033 00:41:25,383 --> 00:41:27,452 in a Gasoline wig and a paper dress. 1034 00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:29,120 Um, so... 1035 00:41:29,154 --> 00:41:32,290 So, I'm sitting there, and he's like, "This is the body of Christ. 1036 00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:34,025 "Eat it in memory of me." 1037 00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:36,361 And then you ring the bells. [MIMICS BELL RING] 1038 00:41:36,394 --> 00:41:38,029 And it's like, ooh, joyous. 1039 00:41:38,864 --> 00:41:41,032 So, the priest stares me down. 1040 00:41:41,066 --> 00:41:45,136 -I was like, "What the fuck did I do? Jesus." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1041 00:41:45,170 --> 00:41:47,138 So, then we go back into the back of the rectory, 1042 00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:48,239 and he's like, "All right, 1043 00:41:50,576 --> 00:41:55,814 "next time you ring the bells, could you do it below your head?" 1044 00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:58,984 -I'm like, "Whoo!" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1045 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:02,654 [SINGING] * You can ring my bell * 1046 00:42:03,989 --> 00:42:05,356 [SIGHS] 1047 00:42:05,390 --> 00:42:08,093 Swear to God, I am going to get smited by God, I tell you. 1048 00:42:08,126 --> 00:42:11,830 And when I die, I think I want my remains 1049 00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:14,499 spread around an amusement park. 1050 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:18,804 I want, like, you know, maybe my head at Magic Mountain. 1051 00:42:18,837 --> 00:42:22,674 -You know, I don't want to be cremated. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1052 00:42:22,708 --> 00:42:25,310 Why bother? Head at Magic Mountain, 1053 00:42:25,343 --> 00:42:27,278 my leg over at Rapid Rivers. 1054 00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:30,081 My penis at It's a Small World. 1055 00:42:30,115 --> 00:42:31,617 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1056 00:42:31,650 --> 00:42:33,852 Not 'cause it's small. 1057 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:35,854 'Cause it's been around a lot of daddies, [CHUCKLES] 1058 00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,989 waiting to put their kids inside of me. 1059 00:42:38,523 --> 00:42:40,458 Oh! 1060 00:42:40,491 --> 00:42:42,427 And then the kids start to slide out. 1061 00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:43,962 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1062 00:42:43,995 --> 00:42:46,464 Like those crappy carnivals and, like, Ashtabula. 1063 00:42:46,497 --> 00:42:48,433 You know, whoa! 1064 00:42:48,466 --> 00:42:50,468 I know, it's horrible. Don't get on those things. 1065 00:42:52,003 --> 00:42:54,640 Gross. I'm disgusting. Thank you. 1066 00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:56,642 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1067 00:42:56,642 --> 00:42:57,809 Honestly, if I was cremated, 1068 00:42:57,843 --> 00:42:59,344 I'd burn like a fucking tire fire. 1069 00:42:59,377 --> 00:43:03,849 It's just all this fucking plastic and foam. 1070 00:43:03,882 --> 00:43:07,385 But my mom prayed very hard for me to be straight and everything, 1071 00:43:08,654 --> 00:43:10,421 and her prayers were finally answered. 1072 00:43:10,956 --> 00:43:12,157 The answer was, "No." 1073 00:43:12,658 --> 00:43:15,193 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1074 00:43:15,226 --> 00:43:16,762 [APPLAUSE] 1075 00:43:16,795 --> 00:43:18,429 Thank you. Thank you. 1076 00:43:19,264 --> 00:43:20,565 Thank you. 1077 00:43:20,666 --> 00:43:22,734 All the boys who are just lining up to date me. 1078 00:43:22,768 --> 00:43:24,202 Thank you. Yeah. 1079 00:43:24,235 --> 00:43:28,073 So, I guess my career as an altar boy has been ended. 1080 00:43:28,807 --> 00:43:30,776 So, now I'm an, "altered boy". 1081 00:43:30,809 --> 00:43:32,110 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1082 00:43:32,143 --> 00:43:34,145 -Thank you. Thank you. -[AUDIENCE WHOOPS] 1083 00:43:35,413 --> 00:43:37,582 I know. Maybe I just wasn't the priest's type. 1084 00:43:38,483 --> 00:43:39,685 So... 1085 00:43:39,685 --> 00:43:41,052 I mean, I think I was a cute kid 1086 00:43:41,086 --> 00:43:43,054 because there was this windowless white van 1087 00:43:43,088 --> 00:43:45,556 that always used to pull up on my block. 1088 00:43:45,590 --> 00:43:48,326 Yeah, he was like, [IN MANLY VOICE] "Hey, little boy. 1089 00:43:48,359 --> 00:43:49,427 [CHUCKLES] 1090 00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:51,162 "You want some candy?" 1091 00:43:51,196 --> 00:43:52,430 [IN NORMAL VOICE] And I was like, 1092 00:43:53,699 --> 00:43:55,400 "What kind of candy?" 1093 00:43:55,433 --> 00:43:57,502 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1094 00:43:57,535 --> 00:44:01,139 [IN MANLY VOICE] "Hard candy!" 1095 00:44:01,172 --> 00:44:02,874 [IN NORMAL VOICE] "Come back when you have chocolate." 1096 00:44:02,908 --> 00:44:04,042 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1097 00:44:04,075 --> 00:44:05,276 Maybe Butterfingers. 1098 00:44:06,344 --> 00:44:07,979 So buttery, and they slide right in. 1099 00:44:08,013 --> 00:44:09,314 Uh... I know. 1100 00:44:09,347 --> 00:44:11,249 He couldn't throw me in the van if he tried. 1101 00:44:11,282 --> 00:44:12,283 I was a fat kid. 1102 00:44:13,418 --> 00:44:16,154 He's like... [GRUNTS] "Use your legs." [GRUNTS] 1103 00:44:16,187 --> 00:44:19,024 All right, you know... But I probably wasn't very cute. 1104 00:44:19,057 --> 00:44:20,726 But look at me now. [CHUCKLES] 1105 00:44:20,726 --> 00:44:22,861 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1106 00:44:22,894 --> 00:44:25,263 I know. Oh, my God. Pandering. 1107 00:44:26,564 --> 00:44:29,267 I know. Even as a man, like, all the time, like, women... 1108 00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:33,338 Women tell me all the time, "I wish you weren't gay." 1109 00:44:33,371 --> 00:44:35,006 And by women, I mean my mother. 1110 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,175 -And... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1111 00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:39,210 But then, you know, I wasn't an altar boy. 1112 00:44:39,244 --> 00:44:43,548 So, then, you know, the '80s came along, and I was a teenager, 1113 00:44:43,581 --> 00:44:47,753 and getting ready for my sexual, like, "Ooh, this is... I'm ready." 1114 00:44:47,753 --> 00:44:49,855 And it was the late '80s. Wow. 1115 00:44:49,888 --> 00:44:53,358 Coming out of the closet in the late '80s is a great idea, right? 1116 00:44:53,391 --> 00:44:57,963 I don't know if everybody remembers the '80s, and coming out as gay, 1117 00:44:57,996 --> 00:45:02,367 but I'll inform you that there was a "cancer" that was going around, 1118 00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,170 sort of destroying the gay community. 1119 00:45:05,203 --> 00:45:06,772 It was called the Reagans. 1120 00:45:06,772 --> 00:45:09,307 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1121 00:45:16,782 --> 00:45:19,818 Nancy Reagan, that fucking throat goat slut! 1122 00:45:19,851 --> 00:45:21,319 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1123 00:45:21,352 --> 00:45:22,954 Did you guys know about that? Her throat got stretched... 1124 00:45:22,988 --> 00:45:25,190 Yes, I know. She's making her... 1125 00:45:25,223 --> 00:45:27,893 So, apparently, all the men in Hollywood, 1126 00:45:27,926 --> 00:45:29,394 they were asked, "Who gave the best head?" 1127 00:45:29,427 --> 00:45:31,797 They were like, "Nancy Reagan." 1128 00:45:31,797 --> 00:45:34,966 Nancy fucking Reagan? 1129 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:39,070 Jesus Christ. That fucking pinched bitch! 1130 00:45:39,104 --> 00:45:40,806 Just say no. 1131 00:45:40,839 --> 00:45:42,473 She had so many fucking face lifts. 1132 00:45:42,507 --> 00:45:44,309 That's how I think she kept her throat 1133 00:45:44,342 --> 00:45:45,676 -nice and tight. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1134 00:45:45,710 --> 00:45:48,679 That face has more stitches than the AIDS Quilt. 1135 00:45:48,713 --> 00:45:50,816 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1136 00:45:50,816 --> 00:45:52,250 Listen, I can make that joke 1137 00:45:52,283 --> 00:45:53,919 because I have friends on the fucking quilt. All right? 1138 00:45:53,952 --> 00:45:54,986 AUDIENCE: Aww. 1139 00:45:55,020 --> 00:45:56,654 It's sad, but true. 1140 00:45:56,687 --> 00:45:59,324 But you know what, though? That's how we honor them. Thank you. 1141 00:45:59,357 --> 00:46:02,260 -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING] -Yeah. 1142 00:46:04,529 --> 00:46:07,598 It was the AIDS epidemic that had come along, late '80s. 1143 00:46:07,632 --> 00:46:09,467 You know, it was like everything's, "AIDS, AIDS, AIDS." 1144 00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:11,102 "You're going to get AIDS." 1145 00:46:11,136 --> 00:46:12,904 "You drinking a glass out of somebody. You're going to get AIDS." 1146 00:46:12,938 --> 00:46:14,873 I was like, "Wow, maybe I should come out of the closet." 1147 00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:16,574 No. 1148 00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,510 So, it was a really rough time to be, you know, a teenager 1149 00:46:19,544 --> 00:46:20,846 coming into your sexually... 1150 00:46:20,879 --> 00:46:24,515 You know, your blossoming of your sexuality. 1151 00:46:24,549 --> 00:46:28,586 And with AIDS being there, everybody thought, like... 1152 00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:30,856 You know, when somebody would die, one of our friends, 1153 00:46:30,856 --> 00:46:34,759 they'd be like, "Mmm, was it... Was it AIDS?" 1154 00:46:34,860 --> 00:46:37,028 I was like, "No, it was a plane crash." 1155 00:46:37,062 --> 00:46:38,429 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1156 00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,465 "Did he die of AIDS on the plane 1157 00:46:40,498 --> 00:46:42,868 -"before it crashed?' -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1158 00:46:42,901 --> 00:46:45,971 Like, that's how fucking bad it was. You can look this up. 1159 00:46:46,004 --> 00:46:47,472 By the way, there was an airline 1160 00:46:47,505 --> 00:46:50,041 that decided not to pay full benefits 1161 00:46:50,075 --> 00:46:51,943 to people who had died in a plane crash 1162 00:46:51,977 --> 00:46:53,311 because they were HIV-positive. 1163 00:46:53,344 --> 00:46:54,880 -[AUDIENCE...] -Yeah. 1164 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:56,481 This is fucking true. You can google it. 1165 00:46:56,514 --> 00:46:58,884 Not now, but you can google it. 1166 00:46:58,884 --> 00:47:00,218 I know, it was horrible. 1167 00:47:00,251 --> 00:47:03,121 And it was such a horrible thing for us, as gays, 1168 00:47:03,154 --> 00:47:04,522 to try and come out. 1169 00:47:04,555 --> 00:47:08,894 So, my parents saw me, sort of, coming into my own, 1170 00:47:08,894 --> 00:47:11,196 and they were like, "Well, we'll put a stop to this." 1171 00:47:11,229 --> 00:47:13,231 They moved me up to Rochester, New York. 1172 00:47:13,264 --> 00:47:14,465 [MAN WHOOPS] 1173 00:47:14,499 --> 00:47:16,367 -[CLAPPING] -Wow. 1174 00:47:16,401 --> 00:47:17,735 Thank you. Thank you. 1175 00:47:17,768 --> 00:47:19,537 -Are you from Rochester? -MAN: I went to school there. 1176 00:47:19,570 --> 00:47:21,606 You went to school there? See, that's Rochester, you know. 1177 00:47:21,639 --> 00:47:24,375 Oh. Rochester is like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. 1178 00:47:24,409 --> 00:47:27,045 Everybody knows somebody who suffered. 1179 00:47:27,078 --> 00:47:28,914 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1180 00:47:28,914 --> 00:47:31,282 Np, but, like, Rochester, New York, you know, 1181 00:47:31,316 --> 00:47:35,586 there's only one gay bar, and it's only gay on Thursdays. 1182 00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:38,623 So, you know, you're like, "Yeah, I can come out." 1183 00:47:38,656 --> 00:47:41,826 But Rochester, New York, is kind of like a theme park as well. 1184 00:47:41,927 --> 00:47:44,829 Uh, if the theme is sadness and despair. 1185 00:47:44,930 --> 00:47:46,531 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1186 00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:50,635 I know. The leaves fall off the trees in the fall, 1187 00:47:50,668 --> 00:47:53,171 not because it's getting cold, they just die of boredom. 1188 00:47:53,204 --> 00:47:54,839 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1189 00:47:54,940 --> 00:47:57,808 So, we moved to the suburbs, into a little cul-de-sac, 1190 00:47:57,842 --> 00:48:00,645 which is French for a "dead end," I think. 1191 00:48:00,678 --> 00:48:03,348 Um, I don't speak French. 1192 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,316 French people give me the crepes. 1193 00:48:05,350 --> 00:48:06,851 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1194 00:48:06,952 --> 00:48:07,953 I love a dad joke. 1195 00:48:09,020 --> 00:48:11,822 Love daddies, I love dad jokes, you know. 1196 00:48:11,856 --> 00:48:13,591 So, instead of going to gay bars, 1197 00:48:13,624 --> 00:48:15,826 -I went out to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. - [MAN WHOOPS] 1198 00:48:15,860 --> 00:48:17,328 I know, right? 1199 00:48:17,362 --> 00:48:19,764 Which is probably gayer than any fucking gay bar I've ever been to. 1200 00:48:19,797 --> 00:48:22,400 You know? It's, like, a transsexual, like, making a muscle man. 1201 00:48:22,433 --> 00:48:23,734 Like, "I'm in." 1202 00:48:23,768 --> 00:48:25,370 So, yeah. 1203 00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:28,773 And our local production had this drag queen, and I was like, 1204 00:48:28,806 --> 00:48:32,343 "Why is a woman playing a drag queen? I don't..." 1205 00:48:32,377 --> 00:48:34,179 They were like, "That's not a woman, that's a drag queen." 1206 00:48:34,212 --> 00:48:36,281 And this was my first experience with drag queens. 1207 00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:39,017 I'm like, "Wow, his fucking Aggy Dune..." 1208 00:48:39,050 --> 00:48:41,352 -That was her name. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 1209 00:48:41,386 --> 00:48:44,355 I know. I don't know if anybody knows. Rochester, New York. 1210 00:48:44,389 --> 00:48:45,856 You can look her up, Aggy Dune. 1211 00:48:45,890 --> 00:48:47,993 -A-G-G-Y. Why? Because we love you. -[AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1212 00:48:47,993 --> 00:48:50,561 And so, I was like, "She's stunning. 1213 00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:52,530 "I have to go. I have to do this. 1214 00:48:52,563 --> 00:48:54,865 "This is my calling. I have to be this." 1215 00:48:54,899 --> 00:48:57,468 So, after the show, we would always go to this restaurant 1216 00:48:57,502 --> 00:49:01,006 called The Princess, and... Another clue. 1217 00:49:01,006 --> 00:49:03,008 And so, it was great 1218 00:49:03,041 --> 00:49:07,012 because the drag queens would parade in to the fucking diner 1219 00:49:07,012 --> 00:49:10,215 and these straight boys would always heckle them. 1220 00:49:10,248 --> 00:49:14,385 And so, there was this one drag queen named Onyx. 1221 00:49:14,419 --> 00:49:16,121 Six-foot-nine, and worth the climb. 1222 00:49:16,154 --> 00:49:17,522 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1223 00:49:17,555 --> 00:49:20,358 She called herself Onyx because she was big, black and hard. 1224 00:49:20,391 --> 00:49:22,027 WOMAN: Whoo! 1225 00:49:22,027 --> 00:49:24,295 -Like the stone. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1226 00:49:24,329 --> 00:49:26,497 And so, she's walking through there in her gown, 1227 00:49:26,531 --> 00:49:28,033 and these straight boys are like, 1228 00:49:28,033 --> 00:49:30,035 [IN MANLY VOICE] "Hey! We want to see you deep-throat 1229 00:49:30,035 --> 00:49:31,669 [IN NORMAL VOICE] "that ketchup bottle." 1230 00:49:32,437 --> 00:49:34,539 And she goes, "Which end?" 1231 00:49:34,572 --> 00:49:36,207 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1232 00:49:36,241 --> 00:49:38,043 I was like, "That is what I want to fucking be." 1233 00:49:38,076 --> 00:49:40,711 I was like, "Slay, queen. Yas. Werk." 1234 00:49:40,745 --> 00:49:42,647 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] 1235 00:49:42,680 --> 00:49:44,315 "I want to have that kind of confidence 1236 00:49:44,349 --> 00:49:46,651 "to slay the fucking straggots." 1237 00:49:46,684 --> 00:49:50,421 Straggots is what we call straight people who are just faggots. 1238 00:49:50,455 --> 00:49:52,723 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1239 00:49:52,757 --> 00:49:57,328 So, after The Princess, they decided to invite me to an after-hours party. 1240 00:49:57,362 --> 00:49:58,663 I'm like, "Ooh, my first party." 1241 00:49:58,696 --> 00:50:00,365 I was, like... I was all there. 1242 00:50:00,398 --> 00:50:01,766 And then I'm sitting there. 1243 00:50:01,799 --> 00:50:04,502 And there was another drag queen, Rhoda Dicken. 1244 00:50:04,535 --> 00:50:06,904 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1245 00:50:06,937 --> 00:50:08,606 And so I'm playing with the makeup and stuff, 1246 00:50:08,639 --> 00:50:10,908 and she's like, "Let's put you in drag." 1247 00:50:10,941 --> 00:50:12,743 I was like, "Ooh, I'm there." 1248 00:50:12,777 --> 00:50:14,179 So, they threw me into drag 1249 00:50:14,212 --> 00:50:16,914 and they were like, "Oh my God, you're so pretty." 1250 00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:19,584 You know, the lighting was nice. 1251 00:50:19,617 --> 00:50:22,019 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -So, they're like, 1252 00:50:22,053 --> 00:50:25,190 "You look like Ricki Lake from the movie Hairspray. 1253 00:50:25,223 --> 00:50:27,758 "You should be Ricki Lake. That should be a drag name." 1254 00:50:27,792 --> 00:50:29,627 I'm like, I don't want to, you know, get sued. 1255 00:50:29,660 --> 00:50:31,262 So, they're like, 1256 00:50:31,296 --> 00:50:33,064 "Be Darienne Lake." 1257 00:50:33,098 --> 00:50:37,435 And for those... Some of you who know... You know, like you, sir, 1258 00:50:37,468 --> 00:50:41,706 Darienne Lake is a an amusement park near Rochester, New York. 1259 00:50:41,739 --> 00:50:44,609 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1260 00:50:44,642 --> 00:50:46,577 Yeah, and like an amusement park, 1261 00:50:46,611 --> 00:50:48,546 usually, people puke after they ride me. 1262 00:50:48,579 --> 00:50:49,880 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1263 00:50:49,914 --> 00:50:51,316 So, there you have it. 1264 00:50:51,349 --> 00:50:55,086 So, then I became Darienne Lake, which was fantastic. 1265 00:50:55,120 --> 00:50:59,990 I was accepted by this, like, drag community, and loved, and... 1266 00:51:00,825 --> 00:51:02,827 So, then I was 18 years old. 1267 00:51:02,860 --> 00:51:05,830 I was a fabulous little drag queen. 1268 00:51:06,831 --> 00:51:09,700 Living at home with my very Catholic mother. 1269 00:51:09,734 --> 00:51:11,302 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1270 00:51:11,336 --> 00:51:13,838 Taking my bag of drag, and, ploop, throwing it out the window, 1271 00:51:13,871 --> 00:51:16,541 and then running around the bushes, and getting in drag, 1272 00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,176 and going off to do the shows. 1273 00:51:18,209 --> 00:51:20,145 And so I was doing the shows, and doing the shows, 1274 00:51:20,178 --> 00:51:22,213 and having the time of my fucking life. 1275 00:51:22,247 --> 00:51:25,683 I was 18. I was making, like, $17. 1276 00:51:25,716 --> 00:51:27,852 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1277 00:51:27,885 --> 00:51:29,987 These queens these days, "I charge $5,000." 1278 00:51:30,020 --> 00:51:31,522 Fuck you. Pay your dues. 1279 00:51:31,556 --> 00:51:33,858 -Anyway... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1280 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:39,597 We would be lucky if they gave us two drink tickets and $17. 1281 00:51:39,630 --> 00:51:44,269 So, then one night, I come in, and I'm in full drag. 1282 00:51:45,203 --> 00:51:48,038 And the light clicks on, and it's my mother. 1283 00:51:48,072 --> 00:51:49,607 WOMAN: Oh! 1284 00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:51,041 Did you ever see Fatal Attraction 1285 00:51:51,075 --> 00:51:52,943 when Glenn Close is sitting in the dark, [CLICKS TONGUE] 1286 00:51:52,977 --> 00:51:55,880 clicking the light on and off? That was it. 1287 00:51:56,781 --> 00:51:59,016 The fucking shit had hit the fan. 1288 00:51:59,049 --> 00:52:00,685 The Bible hit the fag. 1289 00:52:00,718 --> 00:52:02,920 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -Like, it was... 1290 00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:06,023 She was like, "This is disgusting. 1291 00:52:06,056 --> 00:52:08,859 "What is this kinky shit? You are disgusting. 1292 00:52:08,893 --> 00:52:11,296 "Don't you bring the shit into my fucking house. 1293 00:52:11,329 --> 00:52:12,830 "How dare you! 1294 00:52:12,863 --> 00:52:14,965 "Are you dressing like this so you can go into women's bathrooms, 1295 00:52:14,999 --> 00:52:16,767 "and molest people?" 1296 00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:18,936 -I was like, "Where the fuck did your head go? No!" -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1297 00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:21,472 "I'm doing it for $17 and a drink ticket." 1298 00:52:21,506 --> 00:52:22,840 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1299 00:52:22,873 --> 00:52:24,074 Fucking weirdo. 1300 00:52:27,245 --> 00:52:28,813 And she was like, "I'm not paying money 1301 00:52:28,846 --> 00:52:31,216 "for some faggot to live in my house, 1302 00:52:31,216 --> 00:52:34,319 "to drive a car, to go to school. 1303 00:52:34,352 --> 00:52:36,854 "You can get the fuck out of my house." 1304 00:52:36,887 --> 00:52:39,990 Eighteen years old, $17 in my pocket... 1305 00:52:40,024 --> 00:52:42,960 Well, I went to The Princess, so I had $15. 1306 00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:44,395 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1307 00:52:44,429 --> 00:52:45,430 I had a coffee. 1308 00:52:47,698 --> 00:52:50,868 So, there I am in a parking lot, in a grocery store, 1309 00:52:50,901 --> 00:52:52,237 crying my eyelashes off. 1310 00:52:52,237 --> 00:52:53,971 I took the car, because I'm not dumb. 1311 00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:55,573 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1312 00:52:55,606 --> 00:52:57,975 And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, "This is it. 1313 00:52:58,008 --> 00:53:01,812 "How does the one person who's supposed to love you, no matter what, 1314 00:53:01,846 --> 00:53:04,482 "be like, 'Fuck you. Get out of my fucking house, faggot.' 1315 00:53:04,515 --> 00:53:07,585 'I don't like you. You're disgusting to me.'" 1316 00:53:07,618 --> 00:53:09,620 And I thought, "There's nobody there for me. 1317 00:53:09,654 --> 00:53:15,360 "I'm not even there for me," and I considered just ending it all. 1318 00:53:16,093 --> 00:53:17,895 Like, I wanted to kill myself. 1319 00:53:17,928 --> 00:53:20,731 That was it. I was... I had nothing. 1320 00:53:20,765 --> 00:53:23,668 I'm gay. I'm single. I've got nothing to live for. 1321 00:53:24,835 --> 00:53:27,938 And as I sat there, with my eyelashes in my hands... 1322 00:53:27,972 --> 00:53:29,274 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1323 00:53:29,274 --> 00:53:31,175 ...I was peeling the glue off. 1324 00:53:31,276 --> 00:53:33,444 -Drag is expensive, not gonna... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1325 00:53:33,478 --> 00:53:36,281 Reuse these fucking things again. 1326 00:53:36,281 --> 00:53:38,182 And I was like, "This is a metaphor for life." 1327 00:53:38,283 --> 00:53:40,318 You know, this is a complete metaphor. 1328 00:53:41,986 --> 00:53:44,422 You know, you go through a lot of shit. 1329 00:53:44,455 --> 00:53:46,491 And you get a lot of gunk in your life. 1330 00:53:47,124 --> 00:53:49,294 But you peel it off, 1331 00:53:49,294 --> 00:53:52,563 and you put on a new set of glue, and you start a new day. 1332 00:53:53,197 --> 00:53:54,832 And that is my life. 1333 00:53:54,865 --> 00:53:58,035 I'm not just going to throw this life away, or these lashes away. 1334 00:53:58,068 --> 00:54:00,137 This is worth something. 1335 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:04,074 And this is what's feeding me right now. 1336 00:54:04,108 --> 00:54:06,677 It's drag. It's not just feeding my belly. 1337 00:54:06,711 --> 00:54:08,012 It's feeding my soul. 1338 00:54:08,045 --> 00:54:11,582 This is my life, and I have to go on. 1339 00:54:11,616 --> 00:54:14,018 Yeah, you're going to go through a lot of shit, 1340 00:54:14,051 --> 00:54:16,220 but shit makes the flowers grow. 1341 00:54:18,723 --> 00:54:21,626 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1342 00:54:27,565 --> 00:54:28,566 So... 1343 00:54:31,969 --> 00:54:34,238 Onyx and Rhoda took me in, 1344 00:54:34,339 --> 00:54:36,374 and they let me sleep on their couch. 1345 00:54:36,407 --> 00:54:39,410 And I was still finishing off the semester at school. 1346 00:54:39,444 --> 00:54:42,580 And sometimes, I wake up in the morning, and be in full drag again, 1347 00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:44,482 and wouldn't realize I was in full drag 1348 00:54:44,515 --> 00:54:47,117 'til I got... Looked in the rearview mirror of the car. 1349 00:54:47,151 --> 00:54:49,219 And they became my family. 1350 00:54:49,253 --> 00:54:50,988 They became my mother. 1351 00:54:51,021 --> 00:54:54,224 They became...You know, I think that's why gay guys love women so much, 1352 00:54:54,258 --> 00:54:56,226 because you sort of fill a need for us. 1353 00:54:56,260 --> 00:54:57,728 You are mothering to us. 1354 00:54:57,762 --> 00:55:00,731 You help us. You help us get our drunk asses into the clubs, 1355 00:55:00,765 --> 00:55:02,767 and then out of the clubs and into a cab. 1356 00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:05,503 Or we ditch you when we get a Grindr hook-up. It's fine. 1357 00:55:05,536 --> 00:55:07,572 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -You understand. 1358 00:55:08,272 --> 00:55:11,576 So, you know, I was like... 1359 00:55:11,609 --> 00:55:14,479 I had a new family, and this is what we do, as gays. 1360 00:55:14,512 --> 00:55:16,714 We find a new family who become our family 1361 00:55:16,747 --> 00:55:19,750 and our support system, and keep us moving on. 1362 00:55:19,784 --> 00:55:23,020 And now I'm, you know, the black sheep of my family. 1363 00:55:24,555 --> 00:55:26,591 Until my 18-year-old sister got pregnant. 1364 00:55:26,624 --> 00:55:28,493 -You know, so... -[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] 1365 00:55:28,526 --> 00:55:30,060 Like, "Whew, teenage pregnancy." 1366 00:55:30,094 --> 00:55:32,763 And my mother was like, "Oh my God, now another one. Ugh. 1367 00:55:32,797 --> 00:55:34,264 "I've got to move out of the country. 1368 00:55:34,298 --> 00:55:35,866 "My kids are embarrassing me.' 1369 00:55:37,067 --> 00:55:40,170 But my sisters, my biological sisters, 1370 00:55:40,204 --> 00:55:42,573 they played a great part in my life, 1371 00:55:42,607 --> 00:55:45,410 and helping my mom really understand 1372 00:55:45,410 --> 00:55:48,278 what it is to love a child who's gay. 1373 00:55:49,747 --> 00:55:51,849 My mother's like, "Look, I'm a Catholic. 1374 00:55:51,882 --> 00:55:54,752 "I gotta bring these kids up as Catholics, as good Catholics, 1375 00:55:54,785 --> 00:55:56,554 "and let them know what Christ is." 1376 00:55:57,655 --> 00:56:00,290 So, then one day, my mother calls, 1377 00:56:00,324 --> 00:56:04,929 and she's like, "I want you to come to dinner. 1378 00:56:04,962 --> 00:56:06,196 "I want to talk to you. 1379 00:56:06,230 --> 00:56:07,932 "I've been thinking about it, 1380 00:56:07,965 --> 00:56:11,602 "and I thought, 'I am a good Catholic. 1381 00:56:11,636 --> 00:56:13,671 'I should raise Catholic children. 1382 00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:18,943 'But then I realized, God has given me these children 1383 00:56:18,976 --> 00:56:20,811 'to test my faith. 1384 00:56:20,845 --> 00:56:24,181 'To give me a gay child, a divorced child.' 1385 00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,952 You know, 'A child with a teenage pregnancy, with a bastard baby.'" 1386 00:56:27,985 --> 00:56:29,554 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1387 00:56:29,587 --> 00:56:31,121 I love my nephew. He's great. 1388 00:56:31,155 --> 00:56:32,890 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1389 00:56:32,923 --> 00:56:38,195 But it helped her learn, like, God gives you what you can handle 1390 00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:40,698 and lets you learn, like... 1391 00:56:41,666 --> 00:56:43,300 "Your lesson's not done. 1392 00:56:43,333 --> 00:56:45,870 "There's something else that you need to learn, and it's about love. 1393 00:56:45,903 --> 00:56:48,673 "It's about true love, unconditional love." 1394 00:56:48,706 --> 00:56:51,709 So, she said, "You know, I want to thank you 1395 00:56:51,742 --> 00:56:54,979 "and I want to thank your sisters. 'I love you no matter what." 1396 00:56:55,012 --> 00:56:57,047 And I was like, "Listen, don't say 'No matter what,' 1397 00:56:57,081 --> 00:56:59,584 "because, 'No matter what' seems like, you know, you could be a killer 1398 00:56:59,617 --> 00:57:01,686 "and, 'no matter what...' Yeah. 1399 00:57:01,719 --> 00:57:04,655 "I want you to say, 'I love you and thank you 1400 00:57:04,689 --> 00:57:07,391 'for showing me who you really are as a person. 1401 00:57:07,492 --> 00:57:10,828 'That's what I'm so honored to see who you really are.'" 1402 00:57:13,363 --> 00:57:14,999 So, she invited me to dinner. 1403 00:57:15,032 --> 00:57:18,569 So, we go to dinner, and she's like, "Look, it's the '80s. 1404 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,805 "I'm very worried you might get the AIDS." 1405 00:57:21,772 --> 00:57:23,173 You know parents. "The AIDS." 1406 00:57:24,108 --> 00:57:27,645 "And so, I'm just, you know, worried." 1407 00:57:27,678 --> 00:57:29,914 I'm like, "I don't even do, like, risky behavior. 1408 00:57:29,947 --> 00:57:31,649 "Like, yet." I wasn't doing anal. 1409 00:57:31,682 --> 00:57:33,417 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1410 00:57:33,518 --> 00:57:35,419 And she's like, "What else is there?" 1411 00:57:35,520 --> 00:57:37,154 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1412 00:57:37,187 --> 00:57:39,790 So, then I had to explain gay intimacy to her. 1413 00:57:39,824 --> 00:57:42,760 I'm like, "Well, there's rubbing, and touching, and kissing, 1414 00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:44,194 "and, you know, oral." 1415 00:57:45,796 --> 00:57:47,765 "Oral? 1416 00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:50,701 -"In your mouth? Oh, my God! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1417 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:52,603 "That's sodomy! 1418 00:57:52,637 --> 00:57:56,206 "I love your father, but I could never. Ugh!" 1419 00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:58,442 I was like, "You've never sucked Dad's dick?" 1420 00:57:58,543 --> 00:57:59,944 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1421 00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:02,847 -My dad was like, "[MUMBLING] No." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1422 00:58:02,880 --> 00:58:04,715 I was like, "Oh, my God, but you're Catholic. 1423 00:58:04,749 --> 00:58:07,585 "Catholic girls are supposed to not get pregnant. They just suck dick." 1424 00:58:07,618 --> 00:58:09,554 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1425 00:58:09,554 --> 00:58:10,888 Dad was very sad. 1426 00:58:12,256 --> 00:58:13,691 The waiter was very confused. 1427 00:58:13,724 --> 00:58:15,425 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1428 00:58:15,459 --> 00:58:17,828 But you're there, you're like family. 1429 00:58:18,729 --> 00:58:21,231 "More breadsticks, please. Thank you." 1430 00:58:21,265 --> 00:58:25,570 So, we got to a place of, like, "Don't ask, don't tell," 1431 00:58:25,570 --> 00:58:27,872 and, you know, it worked out fine for us. 1432 00:58:27,905 --> 00:58:29,907 So, we repaired this relationship, 1433 00:58:29,940 --> 00:58:31,576 and it's so great that she learned 1434 00:58:31,576 --> 00:58:34,812 how to be a good Christian, so, I'm very thankful for that. 1435 00:58:41,285 --> 00:58:45,890 So, then it was the '90s, and RuPaul was on the radio, 1436 00:58:45,923 --> 00:58:47,592 Singing, [SINGING] * You better work 1437 00:58:47,592 --> 00:58:50,595 And I did. I used those lashes over, and over, and over. 1438 00:58:50,595 --> 00:58:52,797 -I still have them on. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1439 00:58:53,330 --> 00:58:54,599 $4.99 a pair. 1440 00:58:55,766 --> 00:58:57,768 And my dad was like, "That RuPaul's kind of pretty." 1441 00:58:57,802 --> 00:59:00,270 I'm like, "Are you sure I'm not the only fruit?" 1442 00:59:00,304 --> 00:59:02,607 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1443 00:59:02,607 --> 00:59:04,474 So, yeah. So, RuPaul was on the radio, 1444 00:59:04,508 --> 00:59:06,644 and I was continuing to do drag, 1445 00:59:06,677 --> 00:59:08,145 and then, one day, I was so lucky 1446 00:59:08,178 --> 00:59:10,615 to be on RuPaul's Drag Race, season six. 1447 00:59:10,615 --> 00:59:12,216 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1448 00:59:12,249 --> 00:59:13,250 Thank you. 1449 00:59:14,852 --> 00:59:16,186 Spoiler alert. 1450 00:59:16,220 --> 00:59:17,655 [CHEERING CONTINUES] 1451 00:59:17,688 --> 00:59:21,158 I mean, come on, I didn't win. I didn't win. 1452 00:59:21,191 --> 00:59:24,394 I didn't win, but that has not stopped me from traveling the world 1453 00:59:24,428 --> 00:59:28,432 and making huge impressions in hotel mattresses around the world. 1454 00:59:28,465 --> 00:59:31,001 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1455 00:59:31,035 --> 00:59:32,637 So, people are always asking me, like, 1456 00:59:32,637 --> 00:59:35,339 "What's it like to be on RuPaul's Drag Race?" I'm like, "Torture." 1457 00:59:35,372 --> 00:59:36,774 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1458 00:59:36,807 --> 00:59:38,408 So, they take you from the... 1459 00:59:38,442 --> 00:59:41,278 The hotel... Like, they take you to a hotel, from the airport. 1460 00:59:41,311 --> 00:59:42,880 They take your phone away from you. 1461 00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:44,548 No contact with the outside world. 1462 00:59:44,649 --> 00:59:48,218 They rip the phones out of the wall in the hotel. There's no DVR. 1463 00:59:48,886 --> 00:59:50,354 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1464 00:59:50,387 --> 00:59:52,657 They don't let you talk to the other contestants either, 1465 00:59:52,657 --> 00:59:54,659 because, you know, they don't want to have you, like, 1466 00:59:54,659 --> 00:59:56,393 have a fight on camera, 1467 00:59:56,426 --> 00:59:57,728 and then make up off-camera, 1468 00:59:57,762 --> 01:00:01,031 and then walk in the workroom, like, "Hi, we're friends." 1469 01:00:01,065 --> 01:00:03,033 'cause the audience will be, like, "What the fuck?" 1470 01:00:03,067 --> 01:00:05,102 So, they put you in a room. 1471 01:00:05,135 --> 01:00:07,371 They sequester you, they lock the door. 1472 01:00:07,404 --> 01:00:09,640 They put a piece of tape over the door... 1473 01:00:09,674 --> 01:00:11,075 Seriously. They don't want you leaving. 1474 01:00:11,108 --> 01:00:12,409 You break the seal, and they know. 1475 01:00:12,442 --> 01:00:14,645 Thanks Willam, for ruining it for everybody. 1476 01:00:14,679 --> 01:00:16,881 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1477 01:00:16,914 --> 01:00:20,050 Willam used to go out, and get a little... Anyway... 1478 01:00:20,084 --> 01:00:21,786 So, they put you in the room. 1479 01:00:21,819 --> 01:00:23,888 They give you, like, a big bowl of snacks 1480 01:00:23,921 --> 01:00:26,056 and a big, thick thing of note paper, 1481 01:00:26,090 --> 01:00:28,592 and like, if you need anything, just write a note, 1482 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:30,360 and slide it under the door. 1483 01:00:31,428 --> 01:00:34,665 And in the first hour, I ran out of note paper. 1484 01:00:34,699 --> 01:00:35,900 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1485 01:00:35,933 --> 01:00:38,102 I was like, "More snacks." [CHUCKLES] 1486 01:00:39,603 --> 01:00:41,205 "More snacks." [CHUCKLES] 1487 01:00:43,674 --> 01:00:44,909 "More hotel lotion." 1488 01:00:44,942 --> 01:00:46,877 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1489 01:00:49,313 --> 01:00:51,215 Because, you know, I was doing... 1490 01:00:52,216 --> 01:00:54,618 I was doing my delicates by hand. 1491 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,486 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1492 01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:58,756 Actually, it was more like roughing up the fucking witness. 1493 01:00:58,789 --> 01:01:00,257 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1494 01:01:00,290 --> 01:01:02,526 I was playing Good Cop, Bad Cop with my fucking dick. 1495 01:01:04,194 --> 01:01:05,730 "Tell me what you know!" 1496 01:01:05,763 --> 01:01:08,032 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1497 01:01:08,065 --> 01:01:09,834 "Spit it out." 1498 01:01:09,867 --> 01:01:12,602 "Spit it out. Spit it [GROANING] out!" 1499 01:01:12,636 --> 01:01:14,238 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1500 01:01:23,781 --> 01:01:25,415 "More fresh towels." 1501 01:01:25,449 --> 01:01:28,552 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1502 01:01:36,894 --> 01:01:39,096 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1503 01:01:44,234 --> 01:01:45,435 Got 'em. 1504 01:01:45,469 --> 01:01:46,971 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1505 01:01:47,772 --> 01:01:49,774 All right. I got it. Thank you. 1506 01:01:49,774 --> 01:01:51,375 Thank you. Jesus. 1507 01:01:51,408 --> 01:01:52,910 Oh, my God, I'm bending over in a corset. 1508 01:01:52,943 --> 01:01:55,045 I swear to God, my balls are going to pop out. 1509 01:01:55,079 --> 01:01:57,114 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -[SIGHS] 1510 01:01:57,147 --> 01:01:58,949 But the hotel was very nice, though. 1511 01:01:58,983 --> 01:02:01,651 It had one of those fancy espresso machines, 1512 01:02:02,286 --> 01:02:03,788 but it broke in my suitcase. 1513 01:02:04,188 --> 01:02:05,455 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1514 01:02:05,489 --> 01:02:07,257 Should have wrapped it in more towels. 1515 01:02:08,592 --> 01:02:11,161 But I've been really lucky, though, to travel and perform. 1516 01:02:11,195 --> 01:02:12,562 It's been fantastic. 1517 01:02:12,596 --> 01:02:15,299 It's really led to some amazing opportunities 1518 01:02:15,332 --> 01:02:17,134 for a lot of the other contestants. 1519 01:02:17,167 --> 01:02:18,836 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1520 01:02:20,337 --> 01:02:23,040 -OnlyFans, apparently. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1521 01:02:23,073 --> 01:02:24,708 Have you seen it? Some of the girls, I mean... 1522 01:02:24,809 --> 01:02:27,077 [WHOOPS] They do a lot of porn. 1523 01:02:27,111 --> 01:02:29,146 And I've got to say, it matches their drag. 1524 01:02:29,179 --> 01:02:31,215 -Average. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1525 01:02:34,384 --> 01:02:36,320 So, I've been... I was so lucky to fly 1526 01:02:36,353 --> 01:02:39,589 to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and do a show down there. 1527 01:02:39,623 --> 01:02:42,893 -Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 1528 01:02:42,927 --> 01:02:46,263 So beautiful. Yeah, so fantastic. 1529 01:02:46,296 --> 01:02:49,699 And I'm not going to fat-shame anybody, because I'm fat, 1530 01:02:49,733 --> 01:02:53,270 but the flight attendant, she kept bumping my shoulder 1531 01:02:53,303 --> 01:02:54,839 every time she'd go by. 1532 01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:57,507 I was at a window seat. 1533 01:02:57,541 --> 01:02:59,243 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1534 01:03:01,145 --> 01:03:03,013 I'm a big girl, too. 1535 01:03:03,047 --> 01:03:06,951 And then she had the audacity to give me one bag of pretzels 1536 01:03:06,984 --> 01:03:09,019 that was, like, I flipped it over, 100 calories. 1537 01:03:09,053 --> 01:03:12,156 I was like, "Are you... "That's enough to piss me the fuck off. 1538 01:03:12,189 --> 01:03:14,124 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1539 01:03:14,158 --> 01:03:16,360 Then I look on the back, it says, "14 grams." 1540 01:03:17,962 --> 01:03:19,663 Honey, I've snorted more than that. 1541 01:03:19,696 --> 01:03:22,099 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Fourteen grams. 1542 01:03:22,132 --> 01:03:24,434 Those fucking seats. Tight as fuck. 1543 01:03:24,468 --> 01:03:27,704 My leg keeps hitting the fucking recline button by accident. 1544 01:03:27,737 --> 01:03:31,008 Like, "Could you... Sir, could you..." "Sir." 1545 01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:32,977 "Could you put your seat up?" 1546 01:03:33,010 --> 01:03:34,945 I'm like, "I'm trying." [GROANS] 1547 01:03:34,979 --> 01:03:39,716 So, anyway, then I saw this advertisement for the Comfort Plus. 1548 01:03:39,749 --> 01:03:42,619 "Hey, why don't you upgrade to Comfort Plus, 1549 01:03:42,652 --> 01:03:46,156 "and get a little more elbow room for your knees?" 1550 01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:49,126 How about a little more fucking elbow room for my goddamn elbows? 1551 01:03:49,159 --> 01:03:51,128 -Jesus Christ! -[LAUGHING] 1552 01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:52,696 So, we're going to Puerto Velveeta... 1553 01:03:52,729 --> 01:03:54,664 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1554 01:03:54,698 --> 01:03:58,035 ...and we had a little downtime before we did our show. 1555 01:03:58,068 --> 01:04:00,137 And so, we're lying on the beach. 1556 01:04:00,170 --> 01:04:05,910 It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. Sun's out, guns out, and... 1557 01:04:05,943 --> 01:04:07,978 And the vendors come up, and they're like, 1558 01:04:08,012 --> 01:04:10,480 [IN MEXICAN ACCENT] "Hey, senorita, how are you today?" 1559 01:04:10,514 --> 01:04:14,451 [IN NORMAL ACCENT] That's my accent from Mexico. Thank you. 1560 01:04:14,484 --> 01:04:17,454 -Getting canceled today. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1561 01:04:17,487 --> 01:04:18,923 "Senorita, hi." 1562 01:04:18,956 --> 01:04:22,292 Would you like a sombrero? I was like, "No, I'm good." 1563 01:04:22,326 --> 01:04:24,394 "You're pasty, you'll get burned." 1564 01:04:24,428 --> 01:04:26,063 I was like, "No, I'm good. Okay?" 1565 01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:27,264 "Would you like some jewelry?" 1566 01:04:27,297 --> 01:04:28,398 "No, I'm cool. Cool." 1567 01:04:28,432 --> 01:04:30,935 "A scarf?" "No, I'm cool." 1568 01:04:30,968 --> 01:04:32,336 "Cocaine?" 1569 01:04:32,369 --> 01:04:34,504 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Wow, that was a jump. 1570 01:04:36,974 --> 01:04:38,108 "I'll take two scarves." 1571 01:04:38,142 --> 01:04:39,776 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1572 01:04:42,346 --> 01:04:46,616 No, like... I don't like cocaine, but I love the way it smells. 1573 01:04:47,952 --> 01:04:50,087 [SNORTING] Ah! 1574 01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:52,822 When I'm getting bare-backed in a bathroom stall... [SNORTS] 1575 01:04:52,856 --> 01:04:55,492 Just... [SNORTS] "Cocaine smells great." 1576 01:04:55,525 --> 01:04:57,962 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1577 01:04:57,995 --> 01:05:02,099 Actually, most days, I'm kind of like a gay Muslim. Stoned. 1578 01:05:02,132 --> 01:05:03,968 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1579 01:05:03,968 --> 01:05:06,103 Hey, I'm not the one throwing people off buildings. 1580 01:05:06,136 --> 01:05:07,204 That's them. 1581 01:05:08,705 --> 01:05:10,374 So, yeah. Phew, It got dark. 1582 01:05:10,407 --> 01:05:12,076 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Horrible. 1583 01:05:12,977 --> 01:05:15,345 So then, we're walking down there, 1584 01:05:15,379 --> 01:05:16,981 walking down the walkway and stuff, 1585 01:05:16,981 --> 01:05:20,017 and the boardwalk, and they're like, "Hey, hey," 1586 01:05:20,050 --> 01:05:22,252 and you see the guys outside the pharmacies, 1587 01:05:22,286 --> 01:05:24,221 and he's like, "We have diet pills." 1588 01:05:26,556 --> 01:05:30,227 How fucking rude! Rude! 1589 01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:31,895 Two boxes. 1590 01:05:31,996 --> 01:05:34,698 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -I'll take two. 1591 01:05:34,731 --> 01:05:36,900 Three. They are great, by the way. 1592 01:05:37,001 --> 01:05:39,769 They work great. I'm sweating like two rats fucking in a wool sock. 1593 01:05:39,803 --> 01:05:41,238 -All right. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1594 01:05:42,639 --> 01:05:44,374 So, there was a really beautiful boy. 1595 01:05:44,408 --> 01:05:45,709 His name was Cesar. 1596 01:05:45,742 --> 01:05:47,577 And he's like, "Do you want to go scuba diving? 1597 01:05:47,611 --> 01:05:50,014 "I'll take you. We'll take you on a scuba diving ride." 1598 01:05:50,014 --> 01:05:53,250 My friend's like, "No. This is where they fucking take you 1599 01:05:53,283 --> 01:05:54,718 "to the fucking, like, outskirts, 1600 01:05:54,751 --> 01:05:57,621 "they cut you open, they sell your organs." 1601 01:05:57,654 --> 01:05:59,556 I'm like, "What are you gonna do with my fucking organs?" 1602 01:05:59,589 --> 01:06:01,791 Like, sell them as an after-photo? 1603 01:06:01,825 --> 01:06:04,694 Like, no, my kidneys and liver are shot. 1604 01:06:04,728 --> 01:06:09,033 So... "No, they could bury you in a shallow grave." 1605 01:06:09,933 --> 01:06:11,335 Honey, it's going to take him all day 1606 01:06:11,368 --> 01:06:14,638 to dig a fucking hole to put me in a shallow grave. 1607 01:06:14,671 --> 01:06:16,206 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -I'm a big bitch. 1608 01:06:16,240 --> 01:06:19,376 So, I tell you... And I'm still in the heels. Thank you. 1609 01:06:19,409 --> 01:06:22,179 I'm waiting for them to be ground down to flats in a minute. 1610 01:06:22,212 --> 01:06:23,547 All right, so... 1611 01:06:23,580 --> 01:06:27,584 But seriously, the ocean is fucking scary, dude. It's vast. 1612 01:06:27,617 --> 01:06:29,819 And, like, the sharks... 1613 01:06:29,853 --> 01:06:34,091 Ugh. Like, my biggest fear of being half-eaten by a shark, 1614 01:06:34,124 --> 01:06:36,693 is I'd still be 20 pounds over my goal weight. 1615 01:06:36,726 --> 01:06:38,162 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1616 01:06:38,195 --> 01:06:40,930 So... No, actually, I'm more terrified of dolphins 1617 01:06:40,964 --> 01:06:43,100 because, I don't know if you guys know about dolphins, 1618 01:06:43,133 --> 01:06:47,071 but, you know, they get a little frisky. 1619 01:06:47,104 --> 01:06:49,173 They don't know that "No" means, [SQUEAKS]. 1620 01:06:49,206 --> 01:06:51,375 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1621 01:06:51,408 --> 01:06:54,178 And, of course, if it's... You know, gets you pregnant 1622 01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:57,181 and it's past the guppy stage, and you live in Oklahoma or Texas, 1623 01:06:57,214 --> 01:06:59,316 -you've got to keep it. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1624 01:07:00,284 --> 01:07:02,286 Please fucking vote. Anyway... 1625 01:07:02,319 --> 01:07:04,754 So, Cesar is like, "I'll take you on a scuba dive." 1626 01:07:04,788 --> 01:07:06,290 I was like, "Okay, great." 1627 01:07:06,323 --> 01:07:10,594 So, he gives me a vest in XXX. I'm like, "Okay, thank you." 1628 01:07:10,627 --> 01:07:13,763 So, there I am, trying to buckle the thing. I'm like, [GROANS] "God." 1629 01:07:13,797 --> 01:07:15,932 And I've got my white swim shirt on, 1630 01:07:15,965 --> 01:07:17,534 and I'm buckling this black vest 1631 01:07:17,567 --> 01:07:20,304 over my fucking belly, [BLOWS RASPBERRY] and my belly pops out. 1632 01:07:20,970 --> 01:07:23,207 Black vest, white shirt. 1633 01:07:23,240 --> 01:07:24,374 I looked like Shamu. 1634 01:07:24,408 --> 01:07:26,276 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1635 01:07:26,310 --> 01:07:29,313 So, we get into the water and I float like soap. 1636 01:07:29,346 --> 01:07:33,950 I'm like ivory soap, just 99.44% pure evil. 1637 01:07:33,983 --> 01:07:36,486 And so he's like, ploop. 1638 01:07:39,823 --> 01:07:42,959 And then he said the sweetest thing to me. 1639 01:07:42,992 --> 01:07:46,363 Cesar turns to me and he's like, "You need to be heavier." 1640 01:07:46,396 --> 01:07:47,997 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1641 01:07:48,031 --> 01:07:49,166 Thank you. 1642 01:07:49,733 --> 01:07:51,735 Thank you! I do! 1643 01:07:53,036 --> 01:07:55,139 I need to be heavier. [CHUCKLES] 1644 01:07:55,139 --> 01:07:57,707 So, he throws a weight belt on me. 1645 01:07:57,741 --> 01:08:01,478 Bloop. So, he throws the anchor on me. Bloop. And I finally sink. 1646 01:08:01,511 --> 01:08:06,049 And so, we get down there, and it's just beautiful, just gorgeous. 1647 01:08:06,150 --> 01:08:08,485 I'm swimming around like the little sperm maid. 1648 01:08:08,985 --> 01:08:10,987 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1649 01:08:13,923 --> 01:08:15,792 Sperm maid. [CHUCKLES] 1650 01:08:15,825 --> 01:08:17,794 I want to be where the people aren't. 1651 01:08:17,827 --> 01:08:19,829 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1652 01:08:19,863 --> 01:08:23,300 So, we have a great time, scuba diving and stuff, and then we get up there. 1653 01:08:23,333 --> 01:08:24,968 And apparently, there was a hurricane 1654 01:08:25,001 --> 01:08:28,905 that was coming, and so, the water was a'churnin'. 1655 01:08:28,938 --> 01:08:31,007 Like my eggs Benedict from that mornin'. 1656 01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:33,443 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -Just a'churnin'. 1657 01:08:33,477 --> 01:08:36,280 And then, like, "Okay, get back up on the boat." 1658 01:08:36,313 --> 01:08:39,416 So, he grabs the metal ladder and throws it down. 1659 01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:42,586 And the boat's doing this, and the ladder's doing this. 1660 01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:44,188 He's like, "Grab on." 1661 01:08:45,555 --> 01:08:46,556 I'm like, "Fuck." 1662 01:08:47,957 --> 01:08:49,459 So, this metal ladder, I'm trying to... 1663 01:08:52,196 --> 01:08:56,099 "Oh my God, I've got no strength left. Holy crap." 1664 01:08:56,200 --> 01:08:58,535 So, my hands and legs are sliding through the fucking thing. 1665 01:08:58,568 --> 01:09:01,205 I'm getting grated like I'm a goddamn potato on a mandolin. 1666 01:09:01,238 --> 01:09:02,806 -I'm like, "Jesus." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1667 01:09:02,839 --> 01:09:04,408 "I'm gonna fall." 1668 01:09:04,441 --> 01:09:08,011 Then I feel Cesar's hands on my ass. I'm like, "Not now." 1669 01:09:08,044 --> 01:09:09,513 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1670 01:09:09,546 --> 01:09:13,550 -Now, he wants a tossed Cesar salad. Oh! -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1671 01:09:13,583 --> 01:09:16,853 He was like, "I'm trying to give you a push, gringa puerca." 1672 01:09:16,886 --> 01:09:18,555 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1673 01:09:18,588 --> 01:09:21,625 Which... I don't speak Spanish, but I think that means "Pretty lady." 1674 01:09:21,658 --> 01:09:23,693 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1675 01:09:23,727 --> 01:09:26,363 I'm trying to grab on, and I have no strength left. 1676 01:09:26,396 --> 01:09:29,766 Like, I couldn't slap the shit out of a colostomy bag. 1677 01:09:29,799 --> 01:09:31,268 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1678 01:09:31,301 --> 01:09:33,270 So, I finally get a leg up on the fucking thing. 1679 01:09:33,303 --> 01:09:34,971 He's got his hands on my ass, 1680 01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:38,275 and then, [BLOWS RASPBERRY], it bucks me into the fucking air. 1681 01:09:38,308 --> 01:09:41,077 I go flying through the fucking air. 1682 01:09:41,110 --> 01:09:42,979 I'm like, "Whoa!" 1683 01:09:43,012 --> 01:09:46,583 -In my black vest and white... Like Free Willy. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1684 01:09:46,616 --> 01:09:50,587 I feel a little boy eating a bag of kettle corn 1685 01:09:50,620 --> 01:09:52,055 just rub my belly 1686 01:09:52,088 --> 01:09:56,560 as I fly through the air on top of him. Splat! 1687 01:09:56,593 --> 01:09:59,829 I land on the boat, the boat goes, [ROARS], 1688 01:09:59,863 --> 01:10:01,298 start sliding down. 1689 01:10:01,331 --> 01:10:04,000 The captain goes, "We're going to need a bigger boat." 1690 01:10:04,033 --> 01:10:05,902 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1691 01:10:05,935 --> 01:10:07,771 [GRUNTING] 1692 01:10:07,804 --> 01:10:09,639 And I finally make it up onto the boat. 1693 01:10:09,673 --> 01:10:11,241 I'm like, [GROANS]. 1694 01:10:11,275 --> 01:10:13,510 [MIMICKING RETCHING] 1695 01:10:13,543 --> 01:10:18,081 The gasoline and salt water has made it down into my eggs Benny. 1696 01:10:18,114 --> 01:10:20,116 I was like, [MIMICKING RETCHING]. 1697 01:10:20,984 --> 01:10:23,086 [MIMICKING RETCHING] 1698 01:10:23,119 --> 01:10:25,655 I see that little boy's bag of kettle corn, 1699 01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:28,658 snatch it out of his hand. 1700 01:10:29,559 --> 01:10:32,462 [MIMICKING RETCHING] 1701 01:10:32,496 --> 01:10:36,132 And the first thing you do after you puke is breathe in. 1702 01:10:36,800 --> 01:10:39,936 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1703 01:10:39,969 --> 01:10:41,471 [GASPING] 1704 01:10:42,071 --> 01:10:44,207 [SOBBING] 1705 01:10:46,476 --> 01:10:49,579 Kettle corn touched my face with puke. 1706 01:10:52,048 --> 01:10:53,617 Isn't it lovely. 1707 01:10:53,650 --> 01:10:56,720 -I'm still single by the way. Thank you. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 1708 01:10:56,753 --> 01:11:00,390 Ugh. I'm worn out, dehydrated, half down, handicapped at this point, 1709 01:11:00,424 --> 01:11:03,393 and I'm like, "Oh my God," crying, 1710 01:11:03,427 --> 01:11:05,329 "Somebody give me a cigarette." 1711 01:11:05,329 --> 01:11:06,563 And a bump of cocaine. 1712 01:11:08,665 --> 01:11:09,666 So, we get back 1713 01:11:10,334 --> 01:11:12,168 to the dock, I'm like... 1714 01:11:13,002 --> 01:11:14,338 [SOBBING SOFTLY] 1715 01:11:15,972 --> 01:11:17,106 "Are those nachos?" 1716 01:11:17,140 --> 01:11:19,343 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1717 01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:21,411 [SNIFFLES] 1718 01:11:22,346 --> 01:11:24,047 I wasn't crying. I was... 1719 01:11:24,080 --> 01:11:25,882 -Nachos. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1720 01:11:25,915 --> 01:11:28,418 So, as I sat there eating the nachos, I was like, 1721 01:11:28,452 --> 01:11:31,988 "Man, I've got to take better care of my fucking self." 1722 01:11:32,021 --> 01:11:34,558 You know, that's... I mean... 1723 01:11:34,591 --> 01:11:38,428 I'm going to be 50, last year, and... 1724 01:11:38,462 --> 01:11:41,598 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING] 1725 01:11:41,998 --> 01:11:43,367 Thank you. 1726 01:11:47,371 --> 01:11:50,407 So, I decided, "I'm going to go to that gym, 1727 01:11:50,440 --> 01:11:51,975 "and I'm going to, you know..." 1728 01:11:52,008 --> 01:11:53,443 Like, I went to the gym four times. 1729 01:11:54,844 --> 01:11:56,279 Last week. 1730 01:11:56,380 --> 01:11:58,014 But I couldn't find a parking spot close enough. 1731 01:11:58,047 --> 01:11:59,483 -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] -No, no. 1732 01:11:59,516 --> 01:12:01,184 I actually decided, "I'm paying for this membership. 1733 01:12:01,217 --> 01:12:03,787 "I'm going to go." I got myself a personal terrorist... Uh, trainer. 1734 01:12:03,820 --> 01:12:05,389 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1735 01:12:06,189 --> 01:12:07,857 And I've lost some weight. 1736 01:12:07,891 --> 01:12:11,695 And, um... -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING] 1737 01:12:11,728 --> 01:12:13,497 People are like, "How much did you lose?" 1738 01:12:13,530 --> 01:12:17,000 "We've seen your transformation. How much did you lose?" 1739 01:12:17,033 --> 01:12:21,170 And actually, like... Almost [DISCREETLY] 200 pounds. 1740 01:12:21,204 --> 01:12:23,640 -[AUDIENCE WHOOPING, CHEERING] -I know. 1741 01:12:24,240 --> 01:12:25,742 I'm still fat. It's cool. 1742 01:12:25,775 --> 01:12:27,511 Um, but that's not it. 1743 01:12:27,544 --> 01:12:30,747 It's not about what you lose. It's about what you gain. 1744 01:12:30,780 --> 01:12:32,281 I have gained strength. 1745 01:12:32,315 --> 01:12:33,950 I have gained flexibility. 1746 01:12:35,218 --> 01:12:37,587 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 1747 01:12:38,287 --> 01:12:40,023 I can now sit on my dick. 1748 01:12:40,056 --> 01:12:41,858 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1749 01:12:41,891 --> 01:12:43,560 Squat down, and get in it. 1750 01:12:44,828 --> 01:12:46,029 Did I put panties on? 1751 01:12:46,062 --> 01:12:47,531 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1752 01:12:47,564 --> 01:12:50,700 I have gained my flexibility, my energy, my life back. 1753 01:12:50,734 --> 01:12:53,202 And that is what I'm so truly happy about it. 1754 01:12:53,236 --> 01:12:56,305 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING, CHEERING] 1755 01:12:56,339 --> 01:12:58,475 It's not about the number on the fucking scale. 1756 01:12:58,508 --> 01:13:01,144 It's about what you give, what you get in life. 1757 01:13:01,177 --> 01:13:02,646 That's what I feel better about. 1758 01:13:02,679 --> 01:13:06,950 I can continue to now get on my knees, and praise Jesus. 1759 01:13:06,983 --> 01:13:08,652 -And... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1760 01:13:08,685 --> 01:13:12,456 But I also gained the cheddar and sour cream chips. 1761 01:13:12,889 --> 01:13:14,824 [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] 1762 01:13:14,858 --> 01:13:16,460 I have made it. 1763 01:13:16,493 --> 01:13:19,463 And that's the thing, too. It's like, I've been fat my whole fucking life. 1764 01:13:19,463 --> 01:13:22,466 And I was like, "Uh, you know, maybe this is... 1765 01:13:22,466 --> 01:13:23,867 "This is just me. Whatever." 1766 01:13:24,568 --> 01:13:25,735 And it's fine to be fat. 1767 01:13:25,769 --> 01:13:28,638 But it's so important to be strong, 1768 01:13:28,672 --> 01:13:30,640 and be able to get off the floor when you can. 1769 01:13:30,674 --> 01:13:32,476 You know, like, I don't want to be... 1770 01:13:32,509 --> 01:13:33,977 Because my parents are getting old. 1771 01:13:34,010 --> 01:13:35,645 They're getting to that, they fall on the fucking floor, 1772 01:13:35,679 --> 01:13:37,847 they never get up. "Help. I've fallen. I can't get up." 1773 01:13:37,881 --> 01:13:41,150 Which we think is funny. But when you're lying there, embarrassed, 1774 01:13:41,184 --> 01:13:44,654 in a Walmart parking lot, you know, it's not so great. 1775 01:13:44,688 --> 01:13:46,923 So, it's about taking care of yourself 1776 01:13:46,956 --> 01:13:48,658 and having that. 1777 01:13:48,692 --> 01:13:50,226 I don't want to be a burden on anybody. 1778 01:13:50,259 --> 01:13:53,362 So, I'm like, "Let me take care of myself and get stronger." 1779 01:13:53,396 --> 01:13:56,533 And I honestly did not think I could do it. 1780 01:13:57,501 --> 01:13:59,669 But then I thought about bumblebees. 1781 01:13:59,703 --> 01:14:02,606 And I don't know if you know the story about bumblebees. 1782 01:14:02,639 --> 01:14:05,609 Their wings are really small for their big, fat bodies. 1783 01:14:05,642 --> 01:14:06,943 [AUDIENCE TITTERS] 1784 01:14:06,976 --> 01:14:10,880 According to physics, bumblebees should not fly, 1785 01:14:11,881 --> 01:14:13,182 but they do. 1786 01:14:13,216 --> 01:14:16,119 They defy physics, and they fly. 1787 01:14:16,152 --> 01:14:19,422 They take their fat little bodies, and they put all their heart 1788 01:14:19,523 --> 01:14:22,258 and energy into it, and they can fly. 1789 01:14:22,291 --> 01:14:27,931 [AUDIENCE WHOOPING, CHEERING] 1790 01:14:27,964 --> 01:14:31,935 So, as I stand up here, still in heels... 1791 01:14:31,968 --> 01:14:33,937 [MAN LAUGHS] 1792 01:14:33,970 --> 01:14:37,040 ...I want you to know that if I can fucking do it, 1793 01:14:37,073 --> 01:14:38,441 anybody can do it. 1794 01:14:38,542 --> 01:14:41,044 I know that all of you can fly. 1795 01:14:41,077 --> 01:14:42,546 I believe in all of you. 1796 01:14:42,546 --> 01:14:44,714 My sisters, my misters, 1797 01:14:44,748 --> 01:14:47,116 my girls, my gays and my theys. 1798 01:14:47,150 --> 01:14:50,654 I want you to go out there and attack every fucking world. 1799 01:14:50,687 --> 01:14:53,557 And remember, when shit gets you down, pull it off, 1800 01:14:53,590 --> 01:14:55,291 and remember tomorrow is a new day. 1801 01:14:55,324 --> 01:14:59,896 Bat those fuckin eyelashes and fly your fat ass to the goddamn sun. 1802 01:14:59,929 --> 01:15:02,131 -[AUDIENCE WHOOPING, CHEERING] -I love you. 1803 01:15:02,165 --> 01:15:03,399 Thank you for being here. 1804 01:15:03,432 --> 01:15:07,036 -[CHEERING CONTINUES] -Big kisses from the big girl. 1805 01:15:07,070 --> 01:15:08,071 Muah! 1806 01:15:09,405 --> 01:15:11,274 [ TOGETHER WE CAN FLY PLAYING] 1807 01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:20,950 * I'm pushing hard But even then it's all I got 1808 01:15:20,984 --> 01:15:24,821 * I won't stop... Till I'm 'bout to, 'bout to die 1809 01:15:24,854 --> 01:15:28,592 * It's not just me I know it's you and I 1810 01:15:28,625 --> 01:15:32,395 * Together we Together we can fly 1811 01:15:32,428 --> 01:15:36,232 * La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la 1812 01:15:36,265 --> 01:15:40,003 * La, la, la, la, la Together we can fly, fly 1813 01:15:40,036 --> 01:15:43,907 * La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la 1814 01:15:43,940 --> 01:15:47,911 * La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la 1815 01:15:47,944 --> 01:15:50,980 * La, la, la, la, la Together we can fly *