1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:27,895 ANNOUNCER: Icon, 4 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:30,030 legend, 5 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,600 international recording star. 6 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,035 -She's none of these things yet. - 7 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:37,438 Boys, girls, gays and theys, 8 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:38,806 let's welcome to the stage, 9 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:42,576 two tons of fun, twisted steel and sex appeal, 10 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,146 Ms. Darienne Lake. 11 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,138 Hello! Hello! Hello! 12 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,408 Hello! 13 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,014 Hi! 14 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,419 Hi. There we go! 15 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:31,225 Thank God, I'm a loud mouth fucking bitch. Oh! 16 00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:35,829 Does she need a microphone? No, she doesn't. Hi. 17 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,266 Does she need a railing to go down these two steps? 18 00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,000 No! 19 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,403 -I'm calling OSHA, by the way. - 20 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,838 I'm calling OSHA. Oh, my God! 21 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:48,008 Thank you all for joining me on my fitness journey. 22 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:53,714 Down those two steps, I'm exhausted. 23 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,216 Jesus fucking Christ. 24 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,451 Oh, that's more exercise I've had all week. 25 00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:59,687 Thank God I got a cocktail. 26 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,189 -Ooh! - 27 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,758 Get the show started off fucking right. 28 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,093 How's everybody doing? 29 00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:11,532 Oh, yes! 30 00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,201 Big girl is in the house, honey. 31 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,869 Big girl is in the house on her little fitness journey. 32 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,206 Thank you. Thank you. 33 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:19,873 Oh, my God. 34 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,776 And I know we got big girls in the audience today. 35 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,980 You don't need to applaud. I can hear you breathing. 36 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,353 It was a long walk here. 37 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,888 But that does not mean 38 00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:38,459 that we are not big, gorgeous and sexy, and fuckable, honey. 39 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,493 Yes! 40 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:45,466 Hey, honey. Hi. Hi. 41 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,236 You know how to get a big girl like me in bed with you? 42 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:49,803 Piece of cake. 43 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:53,707 Ha-ha! 44 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,243 Oh, hi. 45 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:05,653 My voice isn't very deep, but my throat is. 46 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,955 - 47 00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:13,060 I've got to say I'm quite the catch. 48 00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:14,728 Because I don't run very fast. 49 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,397 -Uh-uh. No. 50 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,632 I know. My pantyhose won't even run. 51 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,070 My friend upstairs is, like, "Honey, your pantyhose are sagging at the ankles." 52 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,838 I'm, like, "I'm not wearing any." 53 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,076 Oh. Ha-ha. Ah. 54 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,412 But I will say, though, you know, I am single. 55 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:32,846 Shocker, I know. 56 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,014 Gasp! 57 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,284 Anybody single here? Single people? 58 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,654 People in relationships? 59 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:43,824 Fuck you. 60 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,326 -Uh, no. 61 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:49,297 Oh, I don't know why I'm single. I'm like an animal in bed. 62 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,933 -A possum. Uh... - 63 00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,135 I just lie there and pretend like I'm dead. 64 00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:00,708 And I don't have tics. 65 00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:04,845 I'm actually, um, personally looking for, 66 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,347 like, a friend with benefits. 67 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,081 No, actually, I'm looking for a stranger with benefits. 68 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,683 I got enough fucking friends. 69 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,319 Oh, hi. Is anybody there? 70 00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:12,786 Anybody single? Anybody looking? 71 00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:16,724 Anybody want a big, fat, gorgeous lady like myself? 72 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,693 -Oh. No? Okay, thank you. Thank you. - 73 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,363 "I'm terrified. I'm scared." 74 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:25,032 My friends, they get sex all the time. 75 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,534 I mean, probably because they're built 76 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,702 like fucking Greek gods, you know? 77 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:31,805 Like, chiseled, just muscles out of marble, 78 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,174 -the tiny little dicks. Um... - 79 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,877 Uh, they do, they do. 80 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:40,213 My one friend, he looks like fucking Superman, you know? 81 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,216 And if I was lucky, I would look like Spider Veins. 82 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:49,557 I know, like, I'm on my feet a lot, you know, 83 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:52,393 -and I'm a hair stylist as well, so, you know? - 84 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,495 Oh! Thank you, thank you. 85 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,730 Thank you. 86 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:59,600 -And I'm a slut, so I'm on my knees a lot. - 87 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,205 Uh, I've tried working out, though. 88 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:08,241 Um, at the gym, I'm like a ninja. 89 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,411 You'll never see me there. 90 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,817 My friend, David, was, like, "You know what? 91 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:20,253 "Maybe you should start small, like, do like the couch to 5K." 92 00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,655 Do you know what that is? It's like, 93 00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,591 "Oh, here's a little app or whatever," and it's like, 94 00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:26,894 you go from the couch, and then before you know it, you do 5K, 95 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:30,998 and then before you know it, you're doing a fucking marathon. 96 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:34,502 -That's 26.2 fucking miles. - 97 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,169 No. 98 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:40,774 -Honey, I don't even want to drive 26.2 fucking miles. - 99 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,910 No. Gas is expensive. 100 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:45,746 Thanks, Joe Biden. Um... 101 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,549 Let's go, Brandon! 102 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,217 That was a test. And you all passed. 103 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,420 -Thank you. Thank you. - 104 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,755 I know we're here with the right audience, then. 105 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,524 Oh, yeah! 106 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,958 But, seriously, I mean, 26... 107 00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,793 If your friend calls you up and they're, like, 108 00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:01,595 "Hey, could you pick me up from the airport? 109 00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,831 "I'm, like, 26.2 miles away." 110 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,866 Nope. 111 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,436 You should've called a better fucking friend. 112 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,438 Because that ain't me, honey. 113 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:13,106 No, I'm not doing no marathon anytime soon, honey. 114 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:17,110 -I'm actually in the fitness protection program... - 115 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,479 ...so, I'm good, you know? 116 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,981 Do you guys work out? You guys are all... Come on. 117 00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,450 -WOMAN 1: Yeah. -Yep. 118 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:24,652 Just you, fatty. 119 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:25,986 -Just... - 120 00:06:26,019 --> 00:06:27,621 Thank you. Thank you. 121 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:31,191 I've tried everything, though. Like, I joined the Overeaters Anonymous. 122 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:35,829 -And the 30-day chip is a barbecue, so... - 123 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,665 Delish. I know. 124 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,133 -Somebody's in the program. Oh, I know. - 125 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:43,504 I'm holding out for the sour cream and cheddar. Ah! 126 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,138 Those are good. 127 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,640 You don't try those? They're good. 128 00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:50,511 Once you pop, it's just like me, honey. 129 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:53,581 Oh, yeah. But Overeaters Anonymous is, um... 130 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,316 It's a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous. 131 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,351 Uh, you know, there's the 12 steps. 132 00:06:58,385 --> 00:07:01,221 -Thankfully, they're not upstairs. - 133 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,556 Yeah. 134 00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,257 But I think it's funny, though. It's, like, 135 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:07,094 Overeaters Anonymous. 136 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,598 -Anonymous. - 137 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:13,400 Nobody can tell that you're an overeater. 138 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:15,903 Nobody. 139 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,310 -Really? - 140 00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:24,411 Anonymous. 141 00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:27,080 And, mmm-hmm, there's... Big secret. 142 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:31,519 Yeah, but I've tried, like, the keto, the paleo, 143 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:34,154 the low carb, the Atkins, whatever it was. 144 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:39,259 You know, I realized, like, I'm just, like, a fucking, uh, carb-aholic. 145 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,427 I must be allergic. 146 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,095 Like, whenever I eat carbs, 147 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,632 blow up like a puffer fish. 148 00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,534 -Um, delish, though. 149 00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,301 And I tried that, uh, 150 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,803 Jared from the sandwich shop. 151 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:52,640 You know, the sandwich shop guy, the Jared, Subway... 152 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,008 -You know, "Eat fresh." Um... - 153 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,545 Jared from Subway. Do you remember Jared from the sandwich shop? 154 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,846 Yeah. Um, 155 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,914 that's where you, like, eat three sandwiches a day 156 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,850 and then have sex with underage boys. 157 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,253 Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Was he your friend? 158 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,989 -I didn't mean to offend your fucking friend. - 159 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,093 Isn't it funny that he started off 160 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,262 with, like, a mild cholesterol problem 161 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,198 and ended up with, like, a child molesterol problem? 162 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,069 Yeah. Yeah! 163 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:25,038 But for me, boys are like blackjack. 164 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,407 Anything over 21 is too much. Ha-ha. 165 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,479 Hit me! Hit me again. 166 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:35,583 -I like it rough. Uh... - 167 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,585 I tried the Richard Simmons diet. 168 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,453 Uh, that's where you get sick and then just wither away. 169 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,089 -Uh... - 170 00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,659 Aw, poor Richard in his shorts. 171 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,095 -Yay! Uh... - 172 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,931 I got one of those fit watches, whatever, you know? 173 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,834 It's like an apple pie watch. Um... 174 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:57,270 But it's, like, you know... It gives you, like, little notifications, 175 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,440 and it's, like, "Hey, why don't you get up and get moving?" 176 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,879 Why don't I take you back to the fucking store where I got you from? 177 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,150 So, I threw it across the room. 178 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:14,087 But, um, you know, I tried, like, the food tracker apps 179 00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,723 and stuff like that, or whatever. 180 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,024 So, I'm like, entering all my food, 181 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,759 and I'm like, "I'm gonna be good. 182 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,360 "I believe in myself. 183 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,662 "I can do this." 184 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,964 So I'm entering my food, it's 03:00 p.m. 185 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,099 and the app is, like, 186 00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:30,470 "Maybe for dinner you should have a handful of sleeping pills." 187 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:39,079 Now, I don't know 188 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,850 if the app just told me to go to bed 189 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,886 because I've had enough to eat today, 190 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,756 or maybe it told me to fucking kill myself. 191 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,260 Either way, I'll give it a shot. 192 00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,698 When I was a little boy, my mom took me 193 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,800 to Jazzercise classes and stuff. 194 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,401 I know somebody just went, "Boy?" 195 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,236 -Uh... - 196 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,839 I know. Did I not mention that I was a boy? 197 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:07,808 Oh, my God, I hope... 198 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,777 Does anybody not know that I'm a drag queen? 199 00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,412 That I'm a man? That I'm a... You don't know? 200 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,681 Oh, my God. Wow! 201 00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:15,816 Somebody take her to the eye doctor's. Thank you. 202 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,385 Jesus fucking Christ. 203 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,888 I don't know what gave it away. Was it the wig? 204 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,956 Ten pounds of makeup. 205 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,624 Uh, maybe it was the size 12... 206 00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,093 Uh, 8 shoe. 207 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,496 Maybe it's that. 208 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:30,764 Maybe it's my arm hair. 209 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,800 -Um, it could be anything. 210 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,068 The deep voice. Thank you. 211 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,905 But I don't want to be a woman. 212 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,740 You know, like, I am a drag queen. 213 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,241 I am happy being a man. 214 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,976 -Um, you know, thank you. - 215 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:48,615 I know there are some people who are, you know, transgender, 216 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,584 and they believe that they are born in the wrong body. 217 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:54,688 It's like, God, you know, apparently, was like, "Oops." 218 00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:56,189 Uh, didn't do his paperwork. 219 00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,191 Um, so, you know, that is not me. 220 00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:03,163 Like, I am very happy and very comfortable being a man in a dress. 221 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:06,366 -Performing for love, and applause and... - 222 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,505 And money. 223 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:13,841 Please buy my merchandise. 224 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,743 It's on my website. I don't have it. 225 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,177 -Um... - 226 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:19,747 All of it was made in America 227 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,348 by dreamer children in cages. Uh... 228 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,350 -I'm kidding. I know it's horrible. 229 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,384 It's horrible. 230 00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,186 Please go out there and fucking vote. 231 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:30,290 And remember, if you're, like, a person who's not an ally, um, 232 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,359 -I hate you. No, but... - 233 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,194 But even if you are a straight person 234 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,863 who's like, "Well, it doesn't affect me." 235 00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:38,265 Like, listen, abortion doesn't affect me. 236 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,767 I'm never going to have an abortion. 237 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,434 But I'm here for your fight. 238 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,570 -So, you've got to be for our fight. - 239 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,637 You know? 240 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:49,576 Let's get in a fight! 241 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,281 I like to perform for the love, 242 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,149 for the applause, for the money. 243 00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:58,051 -Um... - 244 00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,820 And for the occasional "straight dick." 245 00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:02,155 - 246 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,257 Ah-ha. 247 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,295 -Or the curved dick, uh... - 248 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:11,231 Black dick, white dick, uh, brown dick, it don't matter. 249 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:15,468 -Uh, you know, spotted dick. Um... - 250 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,905 That... By the way, that's, like, a British pudding, 251 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,639 and I'm a fat hog, 252 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,474 so I... Spotted dick. 253 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,076 I don't care if it's an ombre dick. 254 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,244 You know, it's different colors. 255 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,546 I'm into it. I'm all there. 256 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,181 I love it. Uh... 257 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:36,990 But it's really hard, though, trying to date as a drag queen 258 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:38,591 because, you know, they're all like... 259 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,861 "If I wanted to be with a man, I'd be with a man, 260 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:42,562 "not somebody dressed like a woman." 261 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,631 All right. 262 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,538 So, I feel like drag queens are kind of like car accidents. 263 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,673 You know, everybody wants to see one, 264 00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,843 but nobody wants to get involved in one. 265 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,013 But I will say, though, 266 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:03,116 like, I have been lucky, on occasion, 267 00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,085 to get a boy to, you know... 268 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,753 Who's like, "You're pretty enough." 269 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:07,855 Uh... 270 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,424 Thank you. 271 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,460 -Little boost in my confidence here. 272 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:14,862 Thank you. 273 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,964 But I worked at this one club 274 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,431 where all the straight girls 275 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,033 would bring their straight boyfriends, 276 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:24,104 and then all the boyfriends would magically find their way, 277 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:27,941 backstage, down the steps to the basement, 278 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,342 all the way around the corner 279 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,978 to where the dressing rooms were. 280 00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,346 Hi. 281 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,450 And there was this one boy, Sean... 282 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,119 I probably shouldn't use his name. 283 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,990 -Sean Spicer. No, um, so... - 284 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:46,326 So... 285 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,561 Actually, this boy, he was so cute. 286 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,231 He was my type because he was alive. 287 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,633 -And, um... - 288 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,135 I mean, nothing against dead guys. 289 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,303 They're nice, too. 290 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,972 Uh, but, you know, it's not the same fight. 291 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,573 Uh, so... 292 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:02,642 Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that. 293 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,645 So, this boy comes sniffing around. 294 00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,414 Drag sniffers, is what we used to call them. 295 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,715 I mean, we used to call them tea chasers, 296 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,283 but we don't use that word anymore. 297 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:13,386 Um, so he comes sniffing around and stuff. 298 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,122 And he's like, ooh, so cute. 299 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:18,391 Cute little, tight little, dirty little, white trash, trade body, 300 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,660 You know? You know the type, trade? 301 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,462 You know, that's where you trade sex for money. 302 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,232 -Um, so, gorgeous little thing. 303 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,733 So, he comes downstairs. 304 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:29,636 And he's like, "Yeah, you wanna suck my dick?" 305 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,939 And I was like, "Oh, maybe." 306 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:36,809 "I don't know. Maybe, you know, I got time." 307 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:38,411 Oh. 308 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,013 Yeah, straight boys, ugh. 309 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,515 Even spaghetti's straight till you get it hot and wet. 310 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,452 - 311 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,854 So then he pulls out his dick, 312 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:51,524 very manageable. 313 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,868 Aww. 314 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:03,870 Aww. 315 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,207 Aww. Mmm. 316 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:08,541 So cute. 317 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:13,080 So then he tried to do the helicopter with it, you know? 318 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,681 Do you know what that is? 319 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,216 Some of the guys know. It's, like, when you take it out and... 320 00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,988 It was a fidget spinner. 321 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:26,293 And I have ADD, so it's cool, um... 322 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,063 So, I was like, "Ooh, let me play with it." 323 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,732 So, I was like, "Okay, I'll suck your dick." 324 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,001 His girlfriend's banging on the door, 325 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,236 -but it's fine. Um... - 326 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,472 So, I get down there. Just like, "Ooh, let me. Okay." 327 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,009 And I grab his dick. I grab his dick. 328 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:47,880 "Oh, my God, it's the biggest thing I've ever seen." 329 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,084 "I don't know if I can take it all the way." 330 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:55,488 So, I started sucking his dick, and he's like, "Oh, yeah." 331 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,225 So then, you know, I'm tickling the balls as you do. 332 00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,559 -You know? - 333 00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:02,829 -Dad taught me. And, uh... - 334 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,564 Tickling the balls and stuff, 335 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,633 I start sliding my fingers, there's the taint, because they love that. 336 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,035 It was... A little... Mmm. 337 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:10,503 And then, you know, start tickling the asshole, 338 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,040 and getting that finger, getting ready. 339 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,876 And he's like, "Oh, yeah." 340 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,812 So, you know, you can't just, like, fucking, you know, just... 341 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,348 You know? 342 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,085 This is not like a no-knock-warrant situation, 343 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,354 like, "Open up, the police!" 344 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,056 -Um... 345 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:31,391 You gotta, you know, like, ring the doorbell a little bit. 346 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:36,063 Ding dong. Anybody home? 347 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:39,199 He's like, "Ah!" So, one finger goes in. 348 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:40,600 So nice. 349 00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,603 And he's like, "Oh, yeah." 350 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,072 And I was like, "Oh, yeah." 351 00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:47,207 -Ding dong, ding Dong. 352 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:50,210 Let me grab two fingers. 353 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,614 Oh! 354 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,117 Get the taste out of my mouth. 355 00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,919 That's better. Okay. 356 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:02,089 You say, "Ew," but really, when it's too clean, 357 00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,990 you're like, "This doesn't taste like anything." 358 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:06,093 -Anyway, um... - 359 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,161 Just me? All right. 360 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,363 Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. 361 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,302 I'm like, "Oh, this is good." 362 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,003 And so, I'm like, "If he takes three fingers..." 363 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,139 I mean, I'm not normally a top, 364 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,275 but if he takes three fingers, he's... 365 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,544 I mean, that's... The girth, not the length. 366 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,646 I'm like, "He's ready for fucking." 367 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:28,681 -Uh... - 368 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,950 So, I'm like, "Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong." 369 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,819 -Oh. Ha-ha. 370 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,688 AUDIENCE: Oh! 371 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,724 WOMAN: Oh., no! 372 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,193 WOMAN: Oh! 373 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,465 -Zip. Bye. All right. - 374 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,367 So, he took off, and, um... 375 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,172 So, then I sat down there at my makeup table, 376 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:56,042 and grabbed a makeup wipe to clean my fingers. 377 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,678 I know. It happens. 378 00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,347 Straight guys, come on, wash your assholes. 379 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,215 -Do we have straight people here? 380 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,217 Straight guys, straight guys, where are you? 381 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,753 Yeah, a baby wipe. 382 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:07,887 Just something. 383 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:13,160 You know, get a bidet. They're fantastic. 384 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,728 Especially in the summertime. That brisk cold water. Ooh! 385 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,597 All right. Gets you going. Whoo! 386 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,566 I tried one of those coffee enemas. 387 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,502 Uh, word to the wise, cool the coffee down first. 388 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,573 I'm awake, but I'm, like, medium rare. 389 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,241 -Uh... - 390 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:31,311 Anyway, so, I'm wiping my finger, and I was like, 391 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,747 "Wait a second, I know three fingers went in, 392 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,749 "and I only have two fingernails left." 393 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,189 "Have fun pooping." 394 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,091 I was like... 395 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,926 But then I was, like, "Godammit, that was, like, 396 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,095 "a champagne fucking French-tip 397 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:50,863 "with the crystals on it." 398 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,765 I was mad. I wanted it back! 399 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,668 I was like, "Where did that motherfucker go?" 400 00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,870 I was like, "Drag is expensive." 401 00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,606 It is fucking expensive. Are you kidding me? 402 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,275 That's why we're constantly asking you for our money. 403 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,678 Like, I actually registered my drag as a non-profit 404 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,447 because it doesn't make any profits. 405 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,850 Oh, my God, it's horrible. 406 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,019 So, it's like, you know, there's so many things that you have to buy. 407 00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,021 the tits and shit. 408 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:18,958 And, like, the boobs, hip pads, dresses. 409 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:22,929 Um, and, you know, I have my foundation. 410 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,265 Uh, and my lipstick, and my mascara, 411 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:27,234 and eyelashes, and all that stuff. 412 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,403 Actually, I will say, like, 413 00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:33,373 I try to give back, um, to the gay community, 414 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:35,608 to the straight community, to everybody, 415 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:39,246 because, you know, that's really, I think, so important these days. 416 00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:42,282 Um, all the money that I'm raising, even tonight, 417 00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,317 is going to help the sick children. 418 00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:48,020 Jose Cuervo, Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam... 419 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,258 Lil' Tito. Can't think about Tito. 420 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:56,396 I love the booze! 421 00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,799 All my life, I've enjoyed it. 422 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:03,236 Even when I was a little kid, my favorite game was playing 423 00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,071 "Duck, duck, Grey Goose." 424 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,079 Uh, now I do shots of insulin. 425 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,447 -Uh... 426 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,649 Oh. 427 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,851 But the cool thing about wearing a corset, though, 428 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,754 is you drink alcohol, and it just sort of sits up here, 429 00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:25,292 and it won't go through your fucking body because it's so goddamn tight. 430 00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,093 It's... It's... 431 00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:30,397 And then you take it off, and it all hits you like a fucking Four Loko. 432 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,168 -* I'm drunk - 433 00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,337 * I'm fucking wasted 434 00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:40,440 "Hi. What are you doing? Are you single? Hi." 435 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,209 For granted. 436 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:49,015 But ladies know the best part of the day is, like, taking your bra off 437 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,883 at the end of the day. 438 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,722 Ah, just... 439 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,990 But even better is when you then take your dick out 440 00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,526 from between your legs, like... 441 00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:03,863 Ah! It's the best fucking feeling. 442 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,164 Ah! 443 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,334 You scratch it, um... 444 00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:09,902 With two fingernails. 445 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,904 And, uh... 446 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:15,041 Every now and then, I get in drag just to make myself a sandwich. 447 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,376 "Make me a sandwich, bitch." 448 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:18,578 Okay. - 449 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,947 She's misogynistic, um, she's crazy. 450 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,382 She's insane. 451 00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:24,216 My roommate, he actually thinks 452 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,718 that I'm schizophrenic. 453 00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:27,787 Joke's on him. I don't have a roommate. 454 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:32,925 So... 455 00:21:32,959 --> 00:21:34,561 But, um, every now and then, 456 00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:38,130 I get a little bit tipsy, a little bit tipsy, 457 00:21:38,164 --> 00:21:40,433 and then I pass out in my makeup. 458 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,602 And... Anybody else do that? 459 00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:45,805 Thank you. 460 00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:47,607 And then you wake up, and your fucking pillow 461 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,410 -looks like the Shroud of Turin, you know? - 462 00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:52,244 I was like, "Ooh, maybe Jesus was a drag queen." 463 00:21:52,278 --> 00:21:54,914 Um, or maybe the last supper was barbecue, 464 00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:56,248 and it's just like a wet nap. 465 00:21:56,282 --> 00:21:59,586 - 466 00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:03,155 I know, I swear to God, if you hear a crack of thunder, 467 00:22:03,189 --> 00:22:05,992 I might get smited by God. All right. 468 00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:09,396 So, this, I mean, you know, this is expensive makeup as well. 469 00:22:09,396 --> 00:22:10,663 Drag queen. Expensive. 470 00:22:10,697 --> 00:22:12,665 I can't... This is not Wet n Wild, honey, 471 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:14,734 This is not... It ain't Covergirl, honey, 472 00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:17,003 because Covergirl doesn't cover boy. 473 00:22:18,538 --> 00:22:20,873 No, this is Sherwin-Williams. 474 00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:23,543 Home Depot. 475 00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:26,779 This is hardware store paint, you know, in a semi-gloss. 476 00:22:26,813 --> 00:22:29,416 -Um, okay, she's dewy. - 477 00:22:29,449 --> 00:22:32,685 Yeah, and, um... And, of course, you know, the corsets. 478 00:22:32,719 --> 00:22:35,522 So, if anybody does have a gun and wants to shoot me, 479 00:22:35,555 --> 00:22:37,056 don't worry, steel bones. 480 00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:38,591 -Yeah, I know. 481 00:22:38,625 --> 00:22:40,427 Corsets are great because they just sort of, like, 482 00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:42,194 squeeze everything like toothpaste, 483 00:22:42,228 --> 00:22:43,796 from the middle, just... 484 00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:53,906 Yeah. Hi. 485 00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,043 I love your blouse. 486 00:22:57,076 --> 00:23:00,547 Mmm-hmm. They call me, like, a blouse, too, because I'm a soft top. 487 00:23:00,580 --> 00:23:03,282 No, I'm kidding. No, uh... 488 00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:05,518 No, these actually aren't my titties. 489 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:06,619 These are my testicles. 490 00:23:06,653 --> 00:23:08,955 -Uh... - 491 00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:11,157 I shaved them for you. You're welcome. 492 00:23:11,190 --> 00:23:13,159 Thank you. Thank you. 493 00:23:13,192 --> 00:23:16,729 Yeah, I got them done at press crafters in about an hour. 494 00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:18,965 -Uh, so... I know. - 495 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:21,734 Some of the drag queens, they wear those, like, tit bibs. 496 00:23:21,768 --> 00:23:24,971 You know, like, the breastplate things or whatever. 497 00:23:25,004 --> 00:23:28,140 This is grade-A, all-beef. 498 00:23:28,174 --> 00:23:30,142 -No filler. - 499 00:23:30,176 --> 00:23:31,544 Yeah. 500 00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:35,247 Those breastplates smell like Band Aids and old condoms. 501 00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:37,083 And these smell like shaving cream. 502 00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:39,986 Uh, I shave them. Thank you. 503 00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:41,854 It actually, um... 504 00:23:41,888 --> 00:23:44,390 It's a Nerf basketball that I cut in half, 505 00:23:44,491 --> 00:23:46,325 and then just squish everything, and... 506 00:23:46,358 --> 00:23:47,393 Do you want to see it? 507 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:49,028 WOMAN: Yeah! 508 00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:50,329 That costs extra. 509 00:23:50,362 --> 00:23:52,499 -Um... - 510 00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:54,667 And then, of course, as a drag queen, 511 00:23:54,701 --> 00:23:57,203 I, also, um... I wear hip pads. 512 00:23:57,236 --> 00:24:01,007 Hip pads, to give myself that hour- and-a-half-glass figure. 513 00:24:02,509 --> 00:24:04,577 Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 514 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,613 They're actually made out of, uh, foam. 515 00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:13,185 -Dusty. Um... - 516 00:24:13,953 --> 00:24:15,054 Couch foam. 517 00:24:15,087 --> 00:24:17,256 Yeah, you don't know. And we take the couches, 518 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:20,126 and we take those, um... The turkey knives or whatever 519 00:24:20,159 --> 00:24:22,595 that you use to carve up the turkey, and we just... 520 00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:25,532 Because they cut the foam, just so you can shape it, 521 00:24:25,532 --> 00:24:27,700 and give yourself that gorgeous little figure. 522 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:29,001 Ooh! 523 00:24:29,035 --> 00:24:30,202 AUDIENCE: Ooh. 524 00:24:30,236 --> 00:24:31,538 Yeah. 525 00:24:31,571 --> 00:24:32,939 I'm wearing your sectional sofa right now... 526 00:24:32,972 --> 00:24:35,007 -...is basically what I'm saying. 527 00:24:35,041 --> 00:24:37,276 So, I guess now is a good time as any 528 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:39,111 to come out as trans-sectional. 529 00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,181 "Don't make fun of me." 530 00:24:42,214 --> 00:24:43,950 I'm not. I'm making fun of me. 531 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,284 Okay? Thank you. 532 00:24:45,317 --> 00:24:46,553 "She's trans-sectional." 533 00:24:46,553 --> 00:24:48,621 Yeah. The kids like to play on me. 534 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,022 Okay, um... 535 00:24:50,056 --> 00:24:53,993 I know. More cushion for the pushin'. 536 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:57,797 Literally, more cushion for the pushin'. 537 00:24:57,830 --> 00:25:01,968 So, actually, these hips are made out of a pull-out couch. 538 00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:04,203 And judging by the stains on them, 539 00:25:04,236 --> 00:25:06,372 now you know why it's called a pull-out couch. 540 00:25:09,642 --> 00:25:10,843 Uh... 541 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:13,913 My mom is very Catholic, 542 00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:16,048 and so she believed in, like, the rhythm method 543 00:25:16,082 --> 00:25:17,884 and the whole pull-out method. 544 00:25:17,917 --> 00:25:19,285 And she had five kids. 545 00:25:19,318 --> 00:25:23,389 So, she was not very good at the pull-out game at all. 546 00:25:24,757 --> 00:25:26,092 I mean, she should have listened to Gloria Estefan 547 00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:27,627 when she said, "The rhythm is going to get you." 548 00:25:29,095 --> 00:25:30,262 * Tonight 549 00:25:32,264 --> 00:25:35,835 Yes. Five kids. We grew up out on Long Island. 550 00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:36,903 -Uh... -WOMAN 2: Yeah! 551 00:25:36,936 --> 00:25:38,738 Is somebody here from Long Island? 552 00:25:38,771 --> 00:25:41,608 Oh, my God, how fantastic. Hi. 553 00:25:41,608 --> 00:25:42,642 What part? 554 00:25:42,675 --> 00:25:44,043 -WOMAN 3: Suffolk. -Oh. 555 00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:51,483 Well, it's beautiful out there. 556 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,654 No, actually, I'm from Long Island, 557 00:25:54,687 --> 00:25:56,422 out on North Babylon, Suffolk County. 558 00:25:56,455 --> 00:25:58,991 I lost my accent. I don't talk like I used to. 559 00:25:59,025 --> 00:26:02,995 But I'm the middle child of five kids. 560 00:26:03,029 --> 00:26:06,966 Um, boy, boy, me, girl, girl. 561 00:26:09,535 --> 00:26:10,937 Yeah. 562 00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:13,339 Physical abuse on one side and mental abuse on another. 563 00:26:13,372 --> 00:26:15,341 Thank you. Thank you. 564 00:26:15,374 --> 00:26:20,079 -I guess I'm what you call the "transitional" child. - 565 00:26:20,112 --> 00:26:24,116 My parents prayed a little too hard for a girl third time around. 566 00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:26,352 Yeah, I'll meet you halfway. 567 00:26:28,387 --> 00:26:30,690 Oh, oh. Ha-ha. 568 00:26:30,723 --> 00:26:33,259 Who knows which half. Um, so... 569 00:26:33,292 --> 00:26:36,228 But my parents, probably, they must've, you know, 570 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:39,031 known I was, like, you know, "different." 571 00:26:39,065 --> 00:26:41,200 You know, a little queer, a little... 572 00:26:41,233 --> 00:26:44,036 Um, because, like... So, my older brothers, 573 00:26:44,070 --> 00:26:46,372 they had, like, this red onesie and stuff, you know? 574 00:26:46,405 --> 00:26:50,242 So, my older brother had it, and then it was handed down to my next brother. 575 00:26:50,276 --> 00:26:52,411 And so then he had it, and he grew really fast, 576 00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:54,881 so they cut the legs off of it and stuff. 577 00:26:54,914 --> 00:26:56,382 And then by the time I got it, 578 00:26:56,415 --> 00:26:59,752 it had been washed so many times, that it had turned pink. 579 00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:02,889 So, there I am, a little corny kid in a fucking pink romper, 580 00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:04,691 -just like... - 581 00:27:07,994 --> 00:27:10,296 -"Like my romper? It's got pockets." - 582 00:27:10,329 --> 00:27:12,064 "It's got pockets." It's like girls with dresses. 583 00:27:12,098 --> 00:27:15,034 "It's got pockets." Oh, my God, I love it. Oh. 584 00:27:15,067 --> 00:27:17,837 Or then I put on my dad's, like, big t-shirt, 585 00:27:17,870 --> 00:27:19,538 and he's like, "Oh, I'm proud of my boy." 586 00:27:19,571 --> 00:27:22,241 And then I put a belt around it, and played Charlie's Angels. 587 00:27:23,609 --> 00:27:24,711 "Cover me, Bri." 588 00:27:27,013 --> 00:27:29,982 Oh, I mean, it was the '70s. You know, shocking. 589 00:27:30,016 --> 00:27:33,485 Um, and so, like, they must have seen, like, 590 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:37,156 "Uh, this one's a little, you know," "a little crazy." 591 00:27:37,189 --> 00:27:39,992 Um, I would, like, enter every room 592 00:27:40,026 --> 00:27:42,561 like there was a beaded curtain in the doorway. 593 00:27:42,594 --> 00:27:44,163 Do you remember, like, the beaded curtains? 594 00:27:44,196 --> 00:27:45,832 Anybody old enough to remember, like, Greg Brady, 595 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:48,000 -and he had the beaded curtains and stuff? - 596 00:27:48,034 --> 00:27:49,969 Hello. Wooden beads and stuff. 597 00:27:50,870 --> 00:27:53,072 So, I'd enter every single room 598 00:27:53,105 --> 00:27:55,241 like there was a beaded curtain in the doorway. 599 00:27:58,644 --> 00:28:00,046 Gotta push them out of the way. 600 00:28:08,620 --> 00:28:09,655 "Hi, everybody. 601 00:28:10,489 --> 00:28:12,124 "Welcome to my den." 602 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,094 There I was, sitting on the floor, 603 00:28:15,127 --> 00:28:17,129 playing with my sister's Barbies. 604 00:28:17,163 --> 00:28:19,265 My mom saw that, and she was like, 605 00:28:19,298 --> 00:28:21,667 "No, that is not a toy for boys." 606 00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:23,936 Snatch. 607 00:28:23,970 --> 00:28:26,205 So, then, she gave me a He-Man doll. 608 00:28:30,009 --> 00:28:31,110 Thank you. 609 00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:36,448 Oh, my God, it's my type. 610 00:28:36,482 --> 00:28:40,219 Those big, huge muscles. You remember He-Man, right? Oh! 611 00:28:40,252 --> 00:28:42,288 He can lift a ton. He can't spell it. 612 00:28:42,321 --> 00:28:44,523 - 613 00:28:44,556 --> 00:28:47,459 Oh, and it was like, his head, like, that page boy haircut. 614 00:28:47,493 --> 00:28:50,129 It just... It just was shaped like a penis head. 615 00:28:50,162 --> 00:28:51,497 -Uh... - 616 00:28:52,064 --> 00:28:54,000 Felt like one. Uh... 617 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:58,304 I mean, you know, with enough lube. 618 00:28:58,337 --> 00:29:00,339 - 619 00:29:01,007 --> 00:29:03,810 Uh, wow. I was pretty faggoty. 620 00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:05,244 -Uh... - 621 00:29:05,277 --> 00:29:06,913 We have gay people here? 622 00:29:08,314 --> 00:29:10,582 That's where there are. Get 'em! Get 'em! No. 623 00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:14,086 But my brothers would always watch, 624 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,222 like, wrestling on the TV and stuff. 625 00:29:16,255 --> 00:29:19,091 And, as a little gay kid, I was, like, "Whoa!" 626 00:29:19,125 --> 00:29:20,559 So, they're watching wrestling and stuff, 627 00:29:20,592 --> 00:29:21,894 and I'm sitting there on the couch, 628 00:29:21,928 --> 00:29:23,495 just leapfrogging the pillows. 629 00:29:25,932 --> 00:29:27,166 "Yeah. Pin him down." 630 00:29:28,835 --> 00:29:30,903 "Pin him down like that." 631 00:29:30,937 --> 00:29:33,072 I'm just pretending like John Cena is going to put me 632 00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:34,740 between The Rock and a hard place. 633 00:29:38,510 --> 00:29:40,847 Do you guys remember, like, wrestling in school? 634 00:29:40,847 --> 00:29:43,983 Wrestling in school, that was fun. 635 00:29:44,016 --> 00:29:45,451 You know, going into my teen years 636 00:29:45,484 --> 00:29:47,854 when you're starting to develop and stuff, you know? 637 00:29:47,854 --> 00:29:49,922 And my boo-boos were coming in. 638 00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:52,358 Um, do you remember... Ugh. 639 00:29:52,391 --> 00:29:54,526 Do you remember, like, the first position and stuff? 640 00:29:55,061 --> 00:29:56,428 No, you don't? 641 00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:57,763 Do you want me to teach you? 642 00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:01,367 Because you're in the front here. 643 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,170 Okay. Come here. 644 00:30:04,203 --> 00:30:06,605 Don't trip. Don't trip. Don't trip. 645 00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:09,208 -Don't trip over the... 646 00:30:09,241 --> 00:30:11,477 Don't smash the light. I gotta pay for it. 647 00:30:11,844 --> 00:30:14,013 Okay. Hi. 648 00:30:14,046 --> 00:30:15,614 -What is your name? -Ryan. 649 00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:18,617 -Ryan. Are you heterosexual? -Absolutely not. 650 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:20,552 I can tell by the way you're dressed. 651 00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:22,321 I could tell by the way you're dressed. 652 00:30:22,354 --> 00:30:24,156 I know. It's a great combination. 653 00:30:24,190 --> 00:30:25,892 Okay, so, you don't remember high school, 654 00:30:25,925 --> 00:30:27,359 like, wrestling and stuff? 655 00:30:27,994 --> 00:30:29,361 Okay, So I'll let you... 656 00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:31,530 Maybe this will refresh your memory. 657 00:30:31,563 --> 00:30:34,833 -Okay. So, the first position, all right? - 658 00:30:34,867 --> 00:30:37,236 This is great. The greatest thing about school, 659 00:30:37,269 --> 00:30:38,670 like, in wrestling, they're, like, "Okay, 660 00:30:38,704 --> 00:30:40,572 "we're going to line everybody up by weight class." 661 00:30:40,606 --> 00:30:43,209 So, that's why I picked you, because I figured, "Huh. Close enough." 662 00:30:43,242 --> 00:30:45,011 -Um... - 663 00:30:45,044 --> 00:30:47,146 No. But seriously, it was like, little twink, little twink, little twink, 664 00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:48,514 normal-sized person, 665 00:30:48,547 --> 00:30:50,516 normal-sized person, a normal-sized... 666 00:30:50,549 --> 00:30:54,253 The butch guy, the bully, the coach. 667 00:30:56,022 --> 00:30:57,356 And then me. 668 00:30:58,357 --> 00:31:00,159 I was 12. Um, so, 669 00:31:00,192 --> 00:31:01,493 I was, like, "It's okay. I'm heavy enough." 670 00:31:01,527 --> 00:31:03,762 Okay. So, first position. 671 00:31:03,795 --> 00:31:05,764 -All fours. Uh... - 672 00:31:06,765 --> 00:31:09,035 -This is... - 673 00:31:10,369 --> 00:31:13,239 This is Greco-Roman wrestling, okay? 674 00:31:13,272 --> 00:31:16,408 So, there I am, the second person, 675 00:31:16,442 --> 00:31:20,146 he puts his hand here on your shoulder. 676 00:31:20,179 --> 00:31:22,949 Does anybody... Anybody remember this from school? 677 00:31:22,949 --> 00:31:26,085 Oh, my God, was it just me? Did I go to a faggoty school? 678 00:31:27,786 --> 00:31:30,957 It's probably Catholic school. So, he puts his hand here. 679 00:31:30,957 --> 00:31:32,224 So, then he also puts his... 680 00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:34,793 Oh, God, I'm going to kneel down. Jesus fucking Christ. 681 00:31:35,461 --> 00:31:36,963 I may never get up. 682 00:31:36,963 --> 00:31:39,631 Um, I'm going to get it up, but I'm never going to get up. 683 00:31:43,002 --> 00:31:44,003 There. That's right. 684 00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:47,974 So, then he puts his other leg here 685 00:31:47,974 --> 00:31:49,841 in his crotch, like, here, 686 00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:52,744 and then he reaches the other hand around 687 00:31:53,479 --> 00:31:54,981 to caress your boobies. 688 00:31:56,515 --> 00:31:59,351 I was, like, "Oh. This is gay." 689 00:32:01,153 --> 00:32:04,056 If you ever watch, like, high school wrestling, this is how it starts. 690 00:32:05,624 --> 00:32:07,059 Oh, your nipples are hard. 691 00:32:09,728 --> 00:32:11,563 You smell nice, too. 692 00:32:12,231 --> 00:32:13,732 What was your name again? 693 00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:15,067 -Ryan. -I don't care. 694 00:32:17,603 --> 00:32:20,372 And so, there I am, 12-years-old, 695 00:32:20,406 --> 00:32:22,574 trying not to get a boner in sweatpants. 696 00:32:24,743 --> 00:32:27,579 I'm like, "Grandma peeing, Grandma peeing, Grandma peeing." 697 00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:31,383 I know. This is... Are you feeling good? 698 00:32:31,417 --> 00:32:33,252 You are sturdy. I like you, Ryan. 699 00:32:36,822 --> 00:32:38,624 Thank you. Um, so then... 700 00:32:40,492 --> 00:32:42,128 Look at that. She got up. 701 00:32:42,161 --> 00:32:43,329 Okay. You can get up. 702 00:32:43,362 --> 00:32:44,896 Ryan, I want to say thank you. Thank you. 703 00:32:44,930 --> 00:32:47,133 Thank you, Ryan, for the demonstration. 704 00:32:48,267 --> 00:32:49,268 Thank you. 705 00:32:52,871 --> 00:32:56,075 So, that is seriously the starting position 706 00:32:56,108 --> 00:32:59,411 for, like, Greco-Roman wrestling in high school and stuff. 707 00:32:59,445 --> 00:33:02,348 And sometimes, they're like, "Oh, we're going to do shirts against skins." 708 00:33:02,381 --> 00:33:05,484 That's where, skins, you have to take your shirt off. 709 00:33:05,517 --> 00:33:07,053 I'm like, "Wow, this is faggoty." 710 00:33:07,053 --> 00:33:10,156 -Um... And I'm into it. 711 00:33:10,189 --> 00:33:11,357 So, there I am. 712 00:33:11,390 --> 00:33:13,059 And I'm, like, on top of the coach, 713 00:33:13,059 --> 00:33:15,061 because that's the only one in my weight class. 714 00:33:16,595 --> 00:33:19,065 And there I am, with my dick against his ass. 715 00:33:19,065 --> 00:33:20,199 And I'm like, "Ooh!" 716 00:33:21,567 --> 00:33:24,070 -"Put me in, coach." Uh... - 717 00:33:25,104 --> 00:33:26,605 "Put me in, coach!" 718 00:33:27,806 --> 00:33:29,241 I won't say that on an airplane. 719 00:33:29,275 --> 00:33:31,443 -But, "Put me in, coach." - 720 00:33:31,477 --> 00:33:34,613 I'm like, "Whoo!" Oh. 721 00:33:34,646 --> 00:33:37,083 So, then they blow the whistle. He starts it. 722 00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:40,852 He flips me over on to that fucking mat so goddamn fast. 723 00:33:40,886 --> 00:33:42,521 Wham! And I was, like... 724 00:33:42,554 --> 00:33:45,857 He's like, "I win." I'm like, "I think we both win, sir." 725 00:33:57,002 --> 00:34:00,572 Uh. And now I wonder why I have a daddy fantasy, you know? 726 00:34:00,606 --> 00:34:02,841 It's, like, "Ooh, I love the daddies." 727 00:34:02,874 --> 00:34:04,476 I think I'm... Jesus Christ. 728 00:34:05,677 --> 00:34:06,912 They're moving on. 729 00:34:09,515 --> 00:34:10,816 I'm making butter. 730 00:34:11,750 --> 00:34:13,519 All right. 731 00:34:13,552 --> 00:34:15,521 Oh, yeah. So, I love the daddies. 732 00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,123 I was with this guy last night, 733 00:34:17,156 --> 00:34:20,626 um, and he was like, "Yeah, you want to call me Daddy?" 734 00:34:20,659 --> 00:34:23,129 And I'm like, "Can I just call you Dad, 735 00:34:23,129 --> 00:34:24,563 "and you just say you're proud of me?" 736 00:34:28,767 --> 00:34:31,237 Anybody else? Yeah. 737 00:34:32,003 --> 00:34:33,139 So, I called him Daddy. 738 00:34:33,172 --> 00:34:35,641 Uh, and then he called me a cab, 739 00:34:35,674 --> 00:34:37,143 -and, uh... - 740 00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:39,478 Which is fair, because I was wearing a yellow dress. 741 00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:42,013 "You're a cab." 742 00:34:43,014 --> 00:34:44,650 Anyway. I know. 743 00:34:44,683 --> 00:34:47,819 I know. Are they still yellow? Who takes it... All right. Anyway 744 00:34:47,853 --> 00:34:50,489 Uh. But my dad, though, he actually noticed... 745 00:34:50,522 --> 00:34:52,658 He noticed that I was getting a little, you know... 746 00:34:52,691 --> 00:34:55,661 Like, apparently, in my family, 747 00:34:55,694 --> 00:34:58,730 I don't have any cousins, aunts, uncles... Nobody's gay. 748 00:34:58,764 --> 00:35:01,233 I'm the only fruit on my family tree, like... 749 00:35:01,267 --> 00:35:02,168 WOMAN: Whoo! 750 00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:04,736 Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. 751 00:35:04,770 --> 00:35:07,839 Random genetic fabulosity. That's what it is. 752 00:35:07,873 --> 00:35:10,509 Yeah. So, he always wanted to butch me up. 753 00:35:10,542 --> 00:35:13,445 He's, like, "Throw a ball! I want you to throw a ball. 754 00:35:13,479 --> 00:35:14,946 "Just fucking throw a ball." 755 00:35:14,980 --> 00:35:16,682 I'm, like, "All right, God." 756 00:35:19,050 --> 00:35:22,954 So, then I finally threw a ball, and he didn't even attend. 757 00:35:32,998 --> 00:35:35,033 I mean, I don't blame him, you know? 758 00:35:35,066 --> 00:35:37,503 It's one of those, like, Eyes Wide Shut sex balls 759 00:35:37,536 --> 00:35:39,771 but, you know... 760 00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:41,307 Like, I'm never going to have sex with my dad. 761 00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:43,509 Ew, gross. 762 00:35:43,542 --> 00:35:46,545 He's a horrible kisser, and that is a dealbreaker in my house. 763 00:35:48,013 --> 00:35:49,215 I'm just kidding. He's really good. 764 00:35:49,248 --> 00:35:51,049 -Uh, anyway... - 765 00:35:51,817 --> 00:35:52,951 Grabs the hands. 766 00:35:52,984 --> 00:35:54,653 Oh, that is fucking twisted. 767 00:35:55,587 --> 00:35:57,323 That was twisted. I know. 768 00:35:57,356 --> 00:36:00,826 I was, like, "Oh, my God, Mom, how did I end up this fucking twisted? 769 00:36:00,859 --> 00:36:03,094 "Did you drop me on my head as a baby?" 770 00:36:03,128 --> 00:36:04,330 And she's like... 771 00:36:07,065 --> 00:36:08,900 "Hon, you got to be held to be dropped." 772 00:36:11,237 --> 00:36:13,539 I was, like, "Holy fucking shit. 773 00:36:13,572 --> 00:36:17,709 "Wow! I'm going to make a therapist very rich someday." 774 00:36:17,743 --> 00:36:21,413 I know. I was, like, "Did you smoke while you were pregnant?" 775 00:36:21,447 --> 00:36:23,882 She was like, "Uh, only when I drank." 776 00:36:25,751 --> 00:36:27,253 Um... 777 00:36:27,253 --> 00:36:30,389 That was the '70s, man. The '70s were fucking wild. 778 00:36:30,422 --> 00:36:33,091 I don't know if anybody is old enough to remember that shit. 779 00:36:33,124 --> 00:36:35,294 Jesus, just me? 780 00:36:35,327 --> 00:36:38,264 -Thanks. Wow. Thank you. - 781 00:36:38,297 --> 00:36:41,267 I'm the chaperone today. You kids be good now. 782 00:36:41,267 --> 00:36:42,568 No, the '70s were wild. 783 00:36:42,601 --> 00:36:44,403 I mean, I don't know how I ended up so fucked up. 784 00:36:44,436 --> 00:36:46,338 It could have been, like, the leaded paint, 785 00:36:46,372 --> 00:36:48,307 the leaded gasoline that we had, 786 00:36:48,340 --> 00:36:51,109 the Teflon pans that would just scrape off into your food, 787 00:36:51,142 --> 00:36:54,145 and just pepper it with some flavoring and cancer. 788 00:36:54,179 --> 00:36:56,014 Oh, remember Shrinky Dinks? 789 00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,283 Shrinky Dinks? 790 00:36:57,316 --> 00:37:01,920 Yeah, you take plastic and put it in the oven. 791 00:37:01,953 --> 00:37:05,190 -And then bake it at 500 fucking degrees. - 792 00:37:05,291 --> 00:37:07,493 That smells great. 793 00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:10,596 No wonder why I got fucking cancer. 794 00:37:10,629 --> 00:37:13,599 Jesus. Don't worry, they cut it all out of me. It's fine. 795 00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:16,435 Uh, true story. You know, wear sunscreen, kids. 796 00:37:16,468 --> 00:37:19,004 -Oh. Good times. 797 00:37:19,037 --> 00:37:20,506 I know. That actually is a true story. 798 00:37:20,539 --> 00:37:23,074 I actually did end up with a little melanoma. 799 00:37:23,108 --> 00:37:24,576 Uh, so get your skin checked. 800 00:37:24,610 --> 00:37:26,378 And if anybody... You know, Ryan, 801 00:37:26,412 --> 00:37:28,079 if you need me to check your body... 802 00:37:30,115 --> 00:37:31,317 You know, I'm here for you. 803 00:37:33,552 --> 00:37:35,321 You know? Are you with your boyfriend? 804 00:37:35,887 --> 00:37:37,856 Oh. Oh. See? 805 00:37:37,889 --> 00:37:39,224 Do you have a boyfriend? 806 00:37:39,325 --> 00:37:41,327 Oh. Oh! Oh, hi. 807 00:37:42,428 --> 00:37:45,130 I don't either. 808 00:37:48,634 --> 00:37:51,570 Ah, so, yeah. So, you know, cancer. Good times, fun. 809 00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:53,472 But you know what, though? They say one in two people 810 00:37:53,505 --> 00:37:55,341 will get cancer in their lifetime. 811 00:37:55,341 --> 00:37:57,108 So, I took one for the team. 812 00:37:57,142 --> 00:37:58,877 Uh, so, you're welcome. 813 00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:02,047 And so, now, of course, since I had the skin cancer, 814 00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:03,649 I'm back to being a fat kid 815 00:38:03,682 --> 00:38:05,617 wearing a t-shirt in the goddamn pool. 816 00:38:05,651 --> 00:38:08,620 So, any other fat kids had to wear the pool t-shirt, 817 00:38:08,654 --> 00:38:10,822 and they're like, "Oh, this will cover my boobies." 818 00:38:11,056 --> 00:38:12,691 No. 819 00:38:12,724 --> 00:38:15,361 -Now you're just in a wet t-shirt contest. - 820 00:38:15,361 --> 00:38:18,397 * Pour some sugar on me 821 00:38:19,498 --> 00:38:23,001 Yeah. And in the, you know, '70s and '80s, 822 00:38:23,034 --> 00:38:24,636 like, there were the latchkey kids. 823 00:38:24,670 --> 00:38:27,072 I don't know if... Anybody a latchkey kid? 824 00:38:27,105 --> 00:38:28,474 That's where, you know, 825 00:38:28,507 --> 00:38:30,141 you didn't have a babysitter or anything like that. 826 00:38:30,175 --> 00:38:31,843 There was nobody for you. 827 00:38:31,877 --> 00:38:34,680 Your parents give you a key, and you just let yourself in the house. 828 00:38:34,713 --> 00:38:36,882 But I didn't think I was a latchkey kid 829 00:38:36,915 --> 00:38:39,851 because they never gave me a key to the house. 830 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,022 I, like, was lucky if I got the fucking code 831 00:38:44,055 --> 00:38:45,857 to the garage door opener. 832 00:38:45,891 --> 00:38:47,693 So, I would sit there and play with myself... 833 00:38:47,726 --> 00:38:50,562 -By myself, and... - 834 00:38:50,596 --> 00:38:52,664 I'd usually hide up in the attic 835 00:38:52,698 --> 00:38:55,734 and play with my dad's porno magazines. 836 00:38:55,767 --> 00:38:58,837 Every dad has, like, a stash of porno magazines, right? 837 00:38:58,870 --> 00:39:00,839 And, of course, I would sit there and go through them, 838 00:39:00,872 --> 00:39:02,974 you know, for the "articles." 839 00:39:04,476 --> 00:39:06,912 Because those were the pages that weren't stuck together. 840 00:39:09,648 --> 00:39:13,419 I know. Oh. How? This is all making sense, isn't it? 841 00:39:13,452 --> 00:39:14,953 Thank you. Thank you. 842 00:39:14,986 --> 00:39:18,156 I'm saving a lot of money on therapy this week. 843 00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:20,291 But I would sit there, and I would go through the magazines, 844 00:39:20,325 --> 00:39:21,793 and I would find the centerfold and stuff, 845 00:39:21,827 --> 00:39:24,796 and she was like, "Ooh, my turn-ons are, 846 00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:27,132 "mmm, big packages." 847 00:39:27,165 --> 00:39:28,934 I was like, "Oh, I love presents." 848 00:39:28,967 --> 00:39:31,503 -"Me, too. Oh, my God." 849 00:39:31,537 --> 00:39:34,105 "Pizza." "Oh, fuck. I love pizza. Shit, yeah. 850 00:39:34,139 --> 00:39:35,441 "Oh, my God. Me, too." 851 00:39:35,474 --> 00:39:36,808 "I'm a Sagittarius." 852 00:39:36,842 --> 00:39:39,478 "I'm a Sagittarius, too, Oh, my God! Yeah." 853 00:39:39,511 --> 00:39:42,981 "Turn-offs, 'Guys with hairy backs.'" I was like... 854 00:39:44,516 --> 00:39:45,984 I don't know. I mean, I... 855 00:39:47,486 --> 00:39:49,054 At least you know you're fucking a man. 856 00:39:49,087 --> 00:39:50,456 -Uh... - 857 00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:52,558 Not so bad. Yeah. Um... 858 00:39:52,591 --> 00:39:53,959 So, yeah, turn-offs. 859 00:39:53,992 --> 00:39:56,795 And I was like, "Wow, I really decided that, um, 860 00:39:56,828 --> 00:39:58,329 "there's probably no chance in hell 861 00:39:58,363 --> 00:39:59,465 "that I'm going to be straight." 862 00:39:59,498 --> 00:40:02,000 There's no... No chance in hell. 863 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:04,936 And my mom kind of had a clue. 864 00:40:05,671 --> 00:40:07,138 She was very Catholic, 865 00:40:07,172 --> 00:40:10,341 and so she decided to sign me up to be an altar boy. 866 00:40:11,777 --> 00:40:15,547 I know, you're like, "Oh. Ooh." But I mean, free dress. 867 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,985 Sips of the communion wine and, you know... 868 00:40:21,687 --> 00:40:23,188 You know, I love that... Yeah. 869 00:40:23,221 --> 00:40:24,756 So, I was like, "Yeah, sign me up." 870 00:40:24,790 --> 00:40:26,725 And then, the ability to be on stage. 871 00:40:26,758 --> 00:40:29,861 I was like, "Oh my God." And he's like, "It's an altar." 872 00:40:29,895 --> 00:40:32,263 -"Show some fucking respect." 873 00:40:32,297 --> 00:40:33,499 I was like, "Oh, okay." 874 00:40:33,532 --> 00:40:35,934 So, Father, Daddy, whatever, uh... 875 00:40:38,904 --> 00:40:40,672 So, with the altar boy, it's like, 876 00:40:40,706 --> 00:40:42,173 "Okay, we're going to the altar," and stuff, 877 00:40:42,207 --> 00:40:44,375 and you sit there, and you kneel down on the steps, 878 00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:45,677 and you have your bells and everything. 879 00:40:45,711 --> 00:40:48,346 I'm like, "Okay, am I stage left or stage right?" 880 00:40:48,379 --> 00:40:51,016 -"It's an altar." 881 00:40:51,049 --> 00:40:52,618 Did you hear there was a gay guy who went to church 882 00:40:52,651 --> 00:40:54,152 because he heard there was a man hung like this? 883 00:40:56,555 --> 00:40:57,723 Oh, my God... 884 00:40:59,424 --> 00:41:00,726 If you hear a crack of thunder... 885 00:41:00,759 --> 00:41:03,529 -And smell bacon. 886 00:41:03,529 --> 00:41:05,697 You know I've been smited by God. Anyway... 887 00:41:05,731 --> 00:41:10,201 So, during part of the performance 888 00:41:10,235 --> 00:41:12,671 of Jesus and the whatevers... 889 00:41:14,239 --> 00:41:17,375 He's like, "This is my body," and he grabs the Eucharist... 890 00:41:17,408 --> 00:41:18,710 You know, the... 891 00:41:18,744 --> 00:41:20,712 You know, the bread, 892 00:41:20,746 --> 00:41:22,447 the chip, the whatever the fuck it is. 893 00:41:23,682 --> 00:41:25,350 I know. Oh, my God, I'm going right to hell, 894 00:41:25,383 --> 00:41:27,452 in a Gasoline wig and a paper dress. 895 00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:29,120 Um, so... 896 00:41:29,154 --> 00:41:32,290 So, I'm sitting there, and he's like, "This is the body of Christ. 897 00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:34,025 "Eat it in memory of me." 898 00:41:34,059 --> 00:41:36,361 And then you ring the bells. 899 00:41:36,394 --> 00:41:38,029 And it's like, ooh, joyous. 900 00:41:38,864 --> 00:41:41,032 So, the priest stares me down. 901 00:41:41,066 --> 00:41:45,136 -I was like, "What the fuck did I do? Jesus." - 902 00:41:45,170 --> 00:41:47,138 So, then we go back into the back of the rectory, 903 00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:48,239 and he's like, "All right, 904 00:41:50,576 --> 00:41:55,814 "next time you ring the bells, could you do it below your head?" 905 00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:58,984 -I'm like, "Whoo!" - 906 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:02,654 * You can ring my bell * 907 00:42:05,390 --> 00:42:08,093 Swear to God, I am going to get smited by God, I tell you. 908 00:42:08,126 --> 00:42:11,830 And when I die, I think I want my remains 909 00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:14,499 spread around an amusement park. 910 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:18,804 I want, like, you know, maybe my head at Magic Mountain. 911 00:42:18,837 --> 00:42:22,674 -You know, I don't want to be cremated. - 912 00:42:22,708 --> 00:42:25,310 Why bother? Head at Magic Mountain, 913 00:42:25,343 --> 00:42:27,278 my leg over at Rapid Rivers. 914 00:42:28,046 --> 00:42:30,081 My penis at It's a Small World. 915 00:42:31,650 --> 00:42:33,852 Not 'cause it's small. 916 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:35,854 'Cause it's been around a lot of daddies, 917 00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,989 waiting to put their kids inside of me. 918 00:42:38,523 --> 00:42:40,458 Oh! 919 00:42:40,491 --> 00:42:42,427 And then the kids start to slide out. 920 00:42:43,995 --> 00:42:46,464 Like those crappy carnivals and, like, Ashtabula. 921 00:42:46,497 --> 00:42:48,433 You know, whoa! 922 00:42:48,466 --> 00:42:50,468 I know, it's horrible. Don't get on those things. 923 00:42:52,003 --> 00:42:54,640 Gross. I'm disgusting. Thank you. 924 00:42:56,642 --> 00:42:57,809 Honestly, if I was cremated, 925 00:42:57,843 --> 00:42:59,344 I'd burn like a fucking tire fire. 926 00:42:59,377 --> 00:43:03,849 It's just all this fucking plastic and foam. 927 00:43:03,882 --> 00:43:07,385 But my mom prayed very hard for me to be straight and everything, 928 00:43:08,654 --> 00:43:10,421 and her prayers were finally answered. 929 00:43:10,956 --> 00:43:12,157 The answer was, "No." 930 00:43:16,795 --> 00:43:18,429 Thank you. Thank you. 931 00:43:19,264 --> 00:43:20,565 Thank you. 932 00:43:20,666 --> 00:43:22,734 All the boys who are just lining up to date me. 933 00:43:22,768 --> 00:43:24,202 Thank you. Yeah. 934 00:43:24,235 --> 00:43:28,073 So, I guess my career as an altar boy has been ended. 935 00:43:28,807 --> 00:43:30,776 So, now I'm an, "altered boy". 936 00:43:32,143 --> 00:43:34,145 -Thank you. Thank you. - 937 00:43:35,413 --> 00:43:37,582 I know. Maybe I just wasn't the priest's type. 938 00:43:38,483 --> 00:43:39,685 So... 939 00:43:39,685 --> 00:43:41,052 I mean, I think I was a cute kid 940 00:43:41,086 --> 00:43:43,054 because there was this windowless white van 941 00:43:43,088 --> 00:43:45,556 that always used to pull up on my block. 942 00:43:45,590 --> 00:43:48,326 Yeah, he was like, 943 00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:51,162 "You want some candy?" 944 00:43:51,196 --> 00:43:52,430 And I was like, 945 00:43:53,699 --> 00:43:55,400 "What kind of candy?" 946 00:43:57,535 --> 00:44:01,139 "Hard candy!" 947 00:44:01,172 --> 00:44:02,874 "Come back when you have chocolate." 948 00:44:04,075 --> 00:44:05,276 Maybe Butterfingers. 949 00:44:06,344 --> 00:44:07,979 So buttery, and they slide right in. 950 00:44:08,013 --> 00:44:09,314 Uh... I know. 951 00:44:09,347 --> 00:44:11,249 He couldn't throw me in the van if he tried. 952 00:44:11,282 --> 00:44:12,283 I was a fat kid. 953 00:44:13,418 --> 00:44:16,154 "Use your legs." 954 00:44:16,187 --> 00:44:19,024 All right, you know... But I probably wasn't very cute. 955 00:44:19,057 --> 00:44:20,726 But look at me now. 956 00:44:22,894 --> 00:44:25,263 I know. Oh, my God. Pandering. 957 00:44:26,564 --> 00:44:29,267 I know. Even as a man, like, all the time, like, women... 958 00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:33,338 Women tell me all the time, "I wish you weren't gay." 959 00:44:33,371 --> 00:44:35,006 And by women, I mean my mother. 960 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,175 -And... - 961 00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:39,210 But then, you know, I wasn't an altar boy. 962 00:44:39,244 --> 00:44:43,548 So, then, you know, the '80s came along, and I was a teenager, 963 00:44:43,581 --> 00:44:47,753 and getting ready for my sexual, like, "Ooh, this is... I'm ready." 964 00:44:47,753 --> 00:44:49,855 And it was the late '80s. Wow. 965 00:44:49,888 --> 00:44:53,358 Coming out of the closet in the late '80s is a great idea, right? 966 00:44:53,391 --> 00:44:57,963 I don't know if everybody remembers the '80s, and coming out as gay, 967 00:44:57,996 --> 00:45:02,367 but I'll inform you that there was a "cancer" that was going around, 968 00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,170 sort of destroying the gay community. 969 00:45:05,203 --> 00:45:06,772 It was called the Reagans. 970 00:45:16,782 --> 00:45:19,818 Nancy Reagan, that fucking throat goat slut! 971 00:45:21,352 --> 00:45:22,954 Did you guys know about that? Her throat got stretched... 972 00:45:22,988 --> 00:45:25,190 Yes, I know. She's making her... 973 00:45:25,223 --> 00:45:27,893 So, apparently, all the men in Hollywood, 974 00:45:27,926 --> 00:45:29,394 they were asked, "Who gave the best head?" 975 00:45:29,427 --> 00:45:31,797 They were like, "Nancy Reagan." 976 00:45:31,797 --> 00:45:34,966 Nancy fucking Reagan? 977 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:39,070 Jesus Christ. That fucking pinched bitch! 978 00:45:39,104 --> 00:45:40,806 Just say no. 979 00:45:40,839 --> 00:45:42,473 She had so many fucking face lifts. 980 00:45:42,507 --> 00:45:44,309 That's how I think she kept her throat 981 00:45:44,342 --> 00:45:45,676 -nice and tight. - 982 00:45:45,710 --> 00:45:48,679 That face has more stitches than the AIDS Quilt. 983 00:45:50,816 --> 00:45:52,250 Listen, I can make that joke 984 00:45:52,283 --> 00:45:53,919 because I have friends on the fucking quilt. All right? 985 00:45:53,952 --> 00:45:54,986 AUDIENCE: Aww. 986 00:45:55,020 --> 00:45:56,654 It's sad, but true. 987 00:45:56,687 --> 00:45:59,324 But you know what, though? That's how we honor them. Thank you. 988 00:45:59,357 --> 00:46:02,260 -Yeah. 989 00:46:04,529 --> 00:46:07,598 It was the AIDS epidemic that had come along, late '80s. 990 00:46:07,632 --> 00:46:09,467 You know, it was like everything's, "AIDS, AIDS, AIDS." 991 00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:11,102 "You're going to get AIDS." 992 00:46:11,136 --> 00:46:12,904 "You drinking a glass out of somebody. You're going to get AIDS." 993 00:46:12,938 --> 00:46:14,873 I was like, "Wow, maybe I should come out of the closet." 994 00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:16,574 No. 995 00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:19,510 So, it was a really rough time to be, you know, a teenager 996 00:46:19,544 --> 00:46:20,846 coming into your sexually... 997 00:46:20,879 --> 00:46:24,515 You know, your blossoming of your sexuality. 998 00:46:24,549 --> 00:46:28,586 And with AIDS being there, everybody thought, like... 999 00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:30,856 You know, when somebody would die, one of our friends, 1000 00:46:30,856 --> 00:46:34,759 they'd be like, "Mmm, was it... Was it AIDS?" 1001 00:46:34,860 --> 00:46:37,028 I was like, "No, it was a plane crash." 1002 00:46:38,463 --> 00:46:40,465 "Did he die of AIDS on the plane 1003 00:46:40,498 --> 00:46:42,868 -"before it crashed?' - 1004 00:46:42,901 --> 00:46:45,971 Like, that's how fucking bad it was. You can look this up. 1005 00:46:46,004 --> 00:46:47,472 By the way, there was an airline 1006 00:46:47,505 --> 00:46:50,041 that decided not to pay full benefits 1007 00:46:50,075 --> 00:46:51,943 to people who had died in a plane crash 1008 00:46:51,977 --> 00:46:53,311 because they were HIV-positive. 1009 00:46:53,344 --> 00:46:54,880 -Yeah. 1010 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:56,481 This is fucking true. You can google it. 1011 00:46:56,514 --> 00:46:58,884 Not now, but you can google it. 1012 00:46:58,884 --> 00:47:00,218 I know, it was horrible. 1013 00:47:00,251 --> 00:47:03,121 And it was such a horrible thing for us, as gays, 1014 00:47:03,154 --> 00:47:04,522 to try and come out. 1015 00:47:04,555 --> 00:47:08,894 So, my parents saw me, sort of, coming into my own, 1016 00:47:08,894 --> 00:47:11,196 and they were like, "Well, we'll put a stop to this." 1017 00:47:11,229 --> 00:47:13,231 They moved me up to Rochester, New York. 1018 00:47:14,499 --> 00:47:16,367 -Wow. 1019 00:47:16,401 --> 00:47:17,735 Thank you. Thank you. 1020 00:47:17,768 --> 00:47:19,537 -Are you from Rochester? -MAN: I went to school there. 1021 00:47:19,570 --> 00:47:21,606 You went to school there? See, that's Rochester, you know. 1022 00:47:21,639 --> 00:47:24,375 Oh. Rochester is like 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. 1023 00:47:24,409 --> 00:47:27,045 Everybody knows somebody who suffered. 1024 00:47:28,914 --> 00:47:31,282 Np, but, like, Rochester, New York, you know, 1025 00:47:31,316 --> 00:47:35,586 there's only one gay bar, and it's only gay on Thursdays. 1026 00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:38,623 So, you know, you're like, "Yeah, I can come out." 1027 00:47:38,656 --> 00:47:41,826 But Rochester, New York, is kind of like a theme park as well. 1028 00:47:41,927 --> 00:47:44,829 Uh, if the theme is sadness and despair. 1029 00:47:47,698 --> 00:47:50,635 I know. The leaves fall off the trees in the fall, 1030 00:47:50,668 --> 00:47:53,171 not because it's getting cold, they just die of boredom. 1031 00:47:54,940 --> 00:47:57,808 So, we moved to the suburbs, into a little cul-de-sac, 1032 00:47:57,842 --> 00:48:00,645 which is French for a "dead end," I think. 1033 00:48:00,678 --> 00:48:03,348 Um, I don't speak French. 1034 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,316 French people give me the crepes. 1035 00:48:06,952 --> 00:48:07,953 I love a dad joke. 1036 00:48:09,020 --> 00:48:11,822 Love daddies, I love dad jokes, you know. 1037 00:48:11,856 --> 00:48:13,591 So, instead of going to gay bars, 1038 00:48:13,624 --> 00:48:15,826 -I went out to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. - 1039 00:48:15,860 --> 00:48:17,328 I know, right? 1040 00:48:17,362 --> 00:48:19,764 Which is probably gayer than any fucking gay bar I've ever been to. 1041 00:48:19,797 --> 00:48:22,400 You know? It's, like, a transsexual, like, making a muscle man. 1042 00:48:22,433 --> 00:48:23,734 Like, "I'm in." 1043 00:48:23,768 --> 00:48:25,370 So, yeah. 1044 00:48:25,403 --> 00:48:28,773 And our local production had this drag queen, and I was like, 1045 00:48:28,806 --> 00:48:32,343 "Why is a woman playing a drag queen? I don't..." 1046 00:48:32,377 --> 00:48:34,179 They were like, "That's not a woman, that's a drag queen." 1047 00:48:34,212 --> 00:48:36,281 And this was my first experience with drag queens. 1048 00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:39,017 I'm like, "Wow, his fucking Aggy Dune..." 1049 00:48:41,386 --> 00:48:44,355 I know. I don't know if anybody knows. Rochester, New York. 1050 00:48:44,389 --> 00:48:45,856 You can look her up, Aggy Dune. 1051 00:48:45,890 --> 00:48:47,993 -A-G-G-Y. Why? Because we love you. - 1052 00:48:47,993 --> 00:48:50,561 And so, I was like, "She's stunning. 1053 00:48:50,595 --> 00:48:52,530 "I have to go. I have to do this. 1054 00:48:52,563 --> 00:48:54,865 "This is my calling. I have to be this." 1055 00:48:54,899 --> 00:48:57,468 So, after the show, we would always go to this restaurant 1056 00:48:57,502 --> 00:49:01,006 called The Princess, and... Another clue. 1057 00:49:01,006 --> 00:49:03,008 And so, it was great 1058 00:49:03,041 --> 00:49:07,012 because the drag queens would parade in to the fucking diner 1059 00:49:07,012 --> 00:49:10,215 and these straight boys would always heckle them. 1060 00:49:10,248 --> 00:49:14,385 And so, there was this one drag queen named Onyx. 1061 00:49:14,419 --> 00:49:16,121 Six-foot-nine, and worth the climb. 1062 00:49:17,555 --> 00:49:20,358 She called herself Onyx because she was big, black and hard. 1063 00:49:20,391 --> 00:49:22,027 WOMAN: Whoo! 1064 00:49:22,027 --> 00:49:24,295 -Like the stone. - 1065 00:49:24,329 --> 00:49:26,497 And so, she's walking through there in her gown, 1066 00:49:26,531 --> 00:49:28,033 and these straight boys are like, 1067 00:49:28,033 --> 00:49:30,035 "Hey! We want to see you deep-throat 1068 00:49:30,035 --> 00:49:31,669 "that ketchup bottle." 1069 00:49:32,437 --> 00:49:34,539 And she goes, "Which end?" 1070 00:49:36,241 --> 00:49:38,043 I was like, "That is what I want to fucking be." 1071 00:49:38,076 --> 00:49:40,711 I was like, "Slay, queen. Yas. Werk." 1072 00:49:42,680 --> 00:49:44,315 "I want to have that kind of confidence 1073 00:49:44,349 --> 00:49:46,651 "to slay the fucking straggots." 1074 00:49:46,684 --> 00:49:50,421 Straggots is what we call straight people who are just faggots. 1075 00:49:52,757 --> 00:49:57,328 So, after The Princess, they decided to invite me to an after-hours party. 1076 00:49:57,362 --> 00:49:58,663 I'm like, "Ooh, my first party." 1077 00:49:58,696 --> 00:50:00,365 I was, like... I was all there. 1078 00:50:00,398 --> 00:50:01,766 And then I'm sitting there. 1079 00:50:01,799 --> 00:50:04,502 And there was another drag queen, Rhoda Dicken. 1080 00:50:06,937 --> 00:50:08,606 And so I'm playing with the makeup and stuff, 1081 00:50:08,639 --> 00:50:10,908 and she's like, "Let's put you in drag." 1082 00:50:10,941 --> 00:50:12,743 I was like, "Ooh, I'm there." 1083 00:50:12,777 --> 00:50:14,179 So, they threw me into drag 1084 00:50:14,212 --> 00:50:16,914 and they were like, "Oh my God, you're so pretty." 1085 00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:19,584 You know, the lighting was nice. 1086 00:50:19,617 --> 00:50:22,019 -So, they're like, 1087 00:50:22,053 --> 00:50:25,190 "You look like Ricki Lake from the movie Hairspray. 1088 00:50:25,223 --> 00:50:27,758 "You should be Ricki Lake. That should be a drag name." 1089 00:50:27,792 --> 00:50:29,627 I'm like, I don't want to, you know, get sued. 1090 00:50:29,660 --> 00:50:31,262 So, they're like, 1091 00:50:31,296 --> 00:50:33,064 "Be Darienne Lake." 1092 00:50:33,098 --> 00:50:37,435 And for those... Some of you who know... You know, like you, sir, 1093 00:50:37,468 --> 00:50:41,706 Darienne Lake is a an amusement park near Rochester, New York. 1094 00:50:44,642 --> 00:50:46,577 Yeah, and like an amusement park, 1095 00:50:46,611 --> 00:50:48,546 usually, people puke after they ride me. 1096 00:50:49,914 --> 00:50:51,316 So, there you have it. 1097 00:50:51,349 --> 00:50:55,086 So, then I became Darienne Lake, which was fantastic. 1098 00:50:55,120 --> 00:50:59,990 I was accepted by this, like, drag community, and loved, and... 1099 00:51:00,825 --> 00:51:02,827 So, then I was 18 years old. 1100 00:51:02,860 --> 00:51:05,830 I was a fabulous little drag queen. 1101 00:51:06,831 --> 00:51:09,700 Living at home with my very Catholic mother. 1102 00:51:11,336 --> 00:51:13,838 Taking my bag of drag, and, ploop, throwing it out the window, 1103 00:51:13,871 --> 00:51:16,541 and then running around the bushes, and getting in drag, 1104 00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,176 and going off to do the shows. 1105 00:51:18,209 --> 00:51:20,145 And so I was doing the shows, and doing the shows, 1106 00:51:20,178 --> 00:51:22,213 and having the time of my fucking life. 1107 00:51:22,247 --> 00:51:25,683 I was 18. I was making, like, $17. 1108 00:51:27,885 --> 00:51:29,987 These queens these days, "I charge $5,000." 1109 00:51:30,020 --> 00:51:31,522 Fuck you. Pay your dues. 1110 00:51:31,556 --> 00:51:33,858 -Anyway... - 1111 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:39,597 We would be lucky if they gave us two drink tickets and $17. 1112 00:51:39,630 --> 00:51:44,269 So, then one night, I come in, and I'm in full drag. 1113 00:51:45,203 --> 00:51:48,038 And the light clicks on, and it's my mother. 1114 00:51:48,072 --> 00:51:49,607 WOMAN: Oh! 1115 00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:51,041 Did you ever see Fatal Attraction 1116 00:51:51,075 --> 00:51:52,943 when Glenn Close is sitting in the dark, 1117 00:51:52,977 --> 00:51:55,880 clicking the light on and off? That was it. 1118 00:51:56,781 --> 00:51:59,016 The fucking shit had hit the fan. 1119 00:51:59,049 --> 00:52:00,685 The Bible hit the fag. 1120 00:52:00,718 --> 00:52:02,920 -Like, it was... 1121 00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:06,023 She was like, "This is disgusting. 1122 00:52:06,056 --> 00:52:08,859 "What is this kinky shit? You are disgusting. 1123 00:52:08,893 --> 00:52:11,296 "Don't you bring the shit into my fucking house. 1124 00:52:11,329 --> 00:52:12,830 "How dare you! 1125 00:52:12,863 --> 00:52:14,965 "Are you dressing like this so you can go into women's bathrooms, 1126 00:52:14,999 --> 00:52:16,767 "and molest people?" 1127 00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:18,936 -I was like, "Where the fuck did your head go? No!" - 1128 00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:21,472 "I'm doing it for $17 and a drink ticket." 1129 00:52:22,873 --> 00:52:24,074 Fucking weirdo. 1130 00:52:27,245 --> 00:52:28,813 And she was like, "I'm not paying money 1131 00:52:28,846 --> 00:52:31,216 "for some faggot to live in my house, 1132 00:52:31,216 --> 00:52:34,319 "to drive a car, to go to school. 1133 00:52:34,352 --> 00:52:36,854 "You can get the fuck out of my house." 1134 00:52:36,887 --> 00:52:39,990 Eighteen years old, $17 in my pocket... 1135 00:52:40,024 --> 00:52:42,960 Well, I went to The Princess, so I had $15. 1136 00:52:44,429 --> 00:52:45,430 I had a coffee. 1137 00:52:47,698 --> 00:52:50,868 So, there I am in a parking lot, in a grocery store, 1138 00:52:50,901 --> 00:52:52,237 crying my eyelashes off. 1139 00:52:52,237 --> 00:52:53,971 I took the car, because I'm not dumb. 1140 00:52:55,606 --> 00:52:57,975 And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, "This is it. 1141 00:52:58,008 --> 00:53:01,812 "How does the one person who's supposed to love you, no matter what, 1142 00:53:01,846 --> 00:53:04,482 "be like, 'Fuck you. Get out of my fucking house, faggot.' 1143 00:53:04,515 --> 00:53:07,585 'I don't like you. You're disgusting to me.'" 1144 00:53:07,618 --> 00:53:09,620 And I thought, "There's nobody there for me. 1145 00:53:09,654 --> 00:53:15,360 "I'm not even there for me," and I considered just ending it all. 1146 00:53:16,093 --> 00:53:17,895 Like, I wanted to kill myself. 1147 00:53:17,928 --> 00:53:20,731 That was it. I was... I had nothing. 1148 00:53:20,765 --> 00:53:23,668 I'm gay. I'm single. I've got nothing to live for. 1149 00:53:24,835 --> 00:53:27,938 And as I sat there, with my eyelashes in my hands... 1150 00:53:29,274 --> 00:53:31,175 ...I was peeling the glue off. 1151 00:53:31,276 --> 00:53:33,444 -Drag is expensive, not gonna... - 1152 00:53:33,478 --> 00:53:36,281 Reuse these fucking things again. 1153 00:53:36,281 --> 00:53:38,182 And I was like, "This is a metaphor for life." 1154 00:53:38,283 --> 00:53:40,318 You know, this is a complete metaphor. 1155 00:53:41,986 --> 00:53:44,422 You know, you go through a lot of shit. 1156 00:53:44,455 --> 00:53:46,491 And you get a lot of gunk in your life. 1157 00:53:47,124 --> 00:53:49,294 But you peel it off, 1158 00:53:49,294 --> 00:53:52,563 and you put on a new set of glue, and you start a new day. 1159 00:53:53,197 --> 00:53:54,832 And that is my life. 1160 00:53:54,865 --> 00:53:58,035 I'm not just going to throw this life away, or these lashes away. 1161 00:53:58,068 --> 00:54:00,137 This is worth something. 1162 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:04,074 And this is what's feeding me right now. 1163 00:54:04,108 --> 00:54:06,677 It's drag. It's not just feeding my belly. 1164 00:54:06,711 --> 00:54:08,012 It's feeding my soul. 1165 00:54:08,045 --> 00:54:11,582 This is my life, and I have to go on. 1166 00:54:11,616 --> 00:54:14,018 Yeah, you're going to go through a lot of shit, 1167 00:54:14,051 --> 00:54:16,220 but shit makes the flowers grow. 1168 00:54:27,565 --> 00:54:28,566 So... 1169 00:54:31,969 --> 00:54:34,238 Onyx and Rhoda took me in, 1170 00:54:34,339 --> 00:54:36,374 and they let me sleep on their couch. 1171 00:54:36,407 --> 00:54:39,410 And I was still finishing off the semester at school. 1172 00:54:39,444 --> 00:54:42,580 And sometimes, I wake up in the morning, and be in full drag again, 1173 00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:44,482 and wouldn't realize I was in full drag 1174 00:54:44,515 --> 00:54:47,117 'til I got... Looked in the rearview mirror of the car. 1175 00:54:47,151 --> 00:54:49,219 And they became my family. 1176 00:54:49,253 --> 00:54:50,988 They became my mother. 1177 00:54:51,021 --> 00:54:54,224 They became...You know, I think that's why gay guys love women so much, 1178 00:54:54,258 --> 00:54:56,226 because you sort of fill a need for us. 1179 00:54:56,260 --> 00:54:57,728 You are mothering to us. 1180 00:54:57,762 --> 00:55:00,731 You help us. You help us get our drunk asses into the clubs, 1181 00:55:00,765 --> 00:55:02,767 and then out of the clubs and into a cab. 1182 00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:05,503 Or we ditch you when we get a Grindr hook-up. It's fine. 1183 00:55:05,536 --> 00:55:07,572 -You understand. 1184 00:55:08,272 --> 00:55:11,576 So, you know, I was like... 1185 00:55:11,609 --> 00:55:14,479 I had a new family, and this is what we do, as gays. 1186 00:55:14,512 --> 00:55:16,714 We find a new family who become our family 1187 00:55:16,747 --> 00:55:19,750 and our support system, and keep us moving on. 1188 00:55:19,784 --> 00:55:23,020 And now I'm, you know, the black sheep of my family. 1189 00:55:24,555 --> 00:55:26,591 Until my 18-year-old sister got pregnant. 1190 00:55:26,624 --> 00:55:28,493 -You know, so... - 1191 00:55:28,526 --> 00:55:30,060 Like, "Whew, teenage pregnancy." 1192 00:55:30,094 --> 00:55:32,763 And my mother was like, "Oh my God, now another one. Ugh. 1193 00:55:32,797 --> 00:55:34,264 "I've got to move out of the country. 1194 00:55:34,298 --> 00:55:35,866 "My kids are embarrassing me.' 1195 00:55:37,067 --> 00:55:40,170 But my sisters, my biological sisters, 1196 00:55:40,204 --> 00:55:42,573 they played a great part in my life, 1197 00:55:42,607 --> 00:55:45,410 and helping my mom really understand 1198 00:55:45,410 --> 00:55:48,278 what it is to love a child who's gay. 1199 00:55:49,747 --> 00:55:51,849 My mother's like, "Look, I'm a Catholic. 1200 00:55:51,882 --> 00:55:54,752 "I gotta bring these kids up as Catholics, as good Catholics, 1201 00:55:54,785 --> 00:55:56,554 "and let them know what Christ is." 1202 00:55:57,655 --> 00:56:00,290 So, then one day, my mother calls, 1203 00:56:00,324 --> 00:56:04,929 and she's like, "I want you to come to dinner. 1204 00:56:04,962 --> 00:56:06,196 "I want to talk to you. 1205 00:56:06,230 --> 00:56:07,932 "I've been thinking about it, 1206 00:56:07,965 --> 00:56:11,602 "and I thought, 'I am a good Catholic. 1207 00:56:11,636 --> 00:56:13,671 'I should raise Catholic children. 1208 00:56:15,205 --> 00:56:18,943 'But then I realized, God has given me these children 1209 00:56:18,976 --> 00:56:20,811 'to test my faith. 1210 00:56:20,845 --> 00:56:24,181 'To give me a gay child, a divorced child.' 1211 00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,952 You know, 'A child with a teenage pregnancy, with a bastard baby.'" 1212 00:56:29,587 --> 00:56:31,121 I love my nephew. He's great. 1213 00:56:32,923 --> 00:56:38,195 But it helped her learn, like, God gives you what you can handle 1214 00:56:38,228 --> 00:56:40,698 and lets you learn, like... 1215 00:56:41,666 --> 00:56:43,300 "Your lesson's not done. 1216 00:56:43,333 --> 00:56:45,870 "There's something else that you need to learn, and it's about love. 1217 00:56:45,903 --> 00:56:48,673 "It's about true love, unconditional love." 1218 00:56:48,706 --> 00:56:51,709 So, she said, "You know, I want to thank you 1219 00:56:51,742 --> 00:56:54,979 "and I want to thank your sisters. 'I love you no matter what." 1220 00:56:55,012 --> 00:56:57,047 And I was like, "Listen, don't say 'No matter what,' 1221 00:56:57,081 --> 00:56:59,584 "because, 'No matter what' seems like, you know, you could be a killer 1222 00:56:59,617 --> 00:57:01,686 "and, 'no matter what...' Yeah. 1223 00:57:01,719 --> 00:57:04,655 "I want you to say, 'I love you and thank you 1224 00:57:04,689 --> 00:57:07,391 'for showing me who you really are as a person. 1225 00:57:07,492 --> 00:57:10,828 'That's what I'm so honored to see who you really are.'" 1226 00:57:13,363 --> 00:57:14,999 So, she invited me to dinner. 1227 00:57:15,032 --> 00:57:18,569 So, we go to dinner, and she's like, "Look, it's the '80s. 1228 00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,805 "I'm very worried you might get the AIDS." 1229 00:57:21,772 --> 00:57:23,173 You know parents. "The AIDS." 1230 00:57:24,108 --> 00:57:27,645 "And so, I'm just, you know, worried." 1231 00:57:27,678 --> 00:57:29,914 I'm like, "I don't even do, like, risky behavior. 1232 00:57:29,947 --> 00:57:31,649 "Like, yet." I wasn't doing anal. 1233 00:57:33,518 --> 00:57:35,419 And she's like, "What else is there?" 1234 00:57:37,187 --> 00:57:39,790 So, then I had to explain gay intimacy to her. 1235 00:57:39,824 --> 00:57:42,760 I'm like, "Well, there's rubbing, and touching, and kissing, 1236 00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:44,194 "and, you know, oral." 1237 00:57:45,796 --> 00:57:47,765 "Oral? 1238 00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:50,701 -"In your mouth? Oh, my God! - 1239 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:52,603 "That's sodomy! 1240 00:57:52,637 --> 00:57:56,206 "I love your father, but I could never. Ugh!" 1241 00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:58,442 I was like, "You've never sucked Dad's dick?" 1242 00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:02,847 -My dad was like, " No." - 1243 00:58:02,880 --> 00:58:04,715 I was like, "Oh, my God, but you're Catholic. 1244 00:58:04,749 --> 00:58:07,585 "Catholic girls are supposed to not get pregnant. They just suck dick." 1245 00:58:09,554 --> 00:58:10,888 Dad was very sad. 1246 00:58:12,256 --> 00:58:13,691 The waiter was very confused. 1247 00:58:15,459 --> 00:58:17,828 But you're there, you're like family. 1248 00:58:18,729 --> 00:58:21,231 "More breadsticks, please. Thank you." 1249 00:58:21,265 --> 00:58:25,570 So, we got to a place of, like, "Don't ask, don't tell," 1250 00:58:25,570 --> 00:58:27,872 and, you know, it worked out fine for us. 1251 00:58:27,905 --> 00:58:29,907 So, we repaired this relationship, 1252 00:58:29,940 --> 00:58:31,576 and it's so great that she learned 1253 00:58:31,576 --> 00:58:34,812 how to be a good Christian, so, I'm very thankful for that. 1254 00:58:41,285 --> 00:58:45,890 So, then it was the '90s, and RuPaul was on the radio, 1255 00:58:45,923 --> 00:58:47,592 * You better work 1256 00:58:47,592 --> 00:58:50,595 And I did. I used those lashes over, and over, and over. 1257 00:58:50,595 --> 00:58:52,797 -I still have them on. - 1258 00:58:53,330 --> 00:58:54,599 $4.99 a pair. 1259 00:58:55,766 --> 00:58:57,768 And my dad was like, "That RuPaul's kind of pretty." 1260 00:58:57,802 --> 00:59:00,270 I'm like, "Are you sure I'm not the only fruit?" 1261 00:59:02,607 --> 00:59:04,474 So, yeah. So, RuPaul was on the radio, 1262 00:59:04,508 --> 00:59:06,644 and I was continuing to do drag, 1263 00:59:06,677 --> 00:59:08,145 and then, one day, I was so lucky 1264 00:59:08,178 --> 00:59:10,615 to be on RuPaul's Drag Race, season six. 1265 00:59:12,249 --> 00:59:13,250 Thank you. 1266 00:59:14,852 --> 00:59:16,186 Spoiler alert. 1267 00:59:17,688 --> 00:59:21,158 I mean, come on, I didn't win. I didn't win. 1268 00:59:21,191 --> 00:59:24,394 I didn't win, but that has not stopped me from traveling the world 1269 00:59:24,428 --> 00:59:28,432 and making huge impressions in hotel mattresses around the world. 1270 00:59:31,035 --> 00:59:32,637 So, people are always asking me, like, 1271 00:59:32,637 --> 00:59:35,339 "What's it like to be on RuPaul's Drag Race?" I'm like, "Torture." 1272 00:59:36,807 --> 00:59:38,408 So, they take you from the... 1273 00:59:38,442 --> 00:59:41,278 The hotel... Like, they take you to a hotel, from the airport. 1274 00:59:41,311 --> 00:59:42,880 They take your phone away from you. 1275 00:59:42,913 --> 00:59:44,548 No contact with the outside world. 1276 00:59:44,649 --> 00:59:48,218 They rip the phones out of the wall in the hotel. There's no DVR. 1277 00:59:50,387 --> 00:59:52,657 They don't let you talk to the other contestants either, 1278 00:59:52,657 --> 00:59:54,659 because, you know, they don't want to have you, like, 1279 00:59:54,659 --> 00:59:56,393 have a fight on camera, 1280 00:59:56,426 --> 00:59:57,728 and then make up off-camera, 1281 00:59:57,762 --> 01:00:01,031 and then walk in the workroom, like, "Hi, we're friends." 1282 01:00:01,065 --> 01:00:03,033 'cause the audience will be, like, "What the fuck?" 1283 01:00:03,067 --> 01:00:05,102 So, they put you in a room. 1284 01:00:05,135 --> 01:00:07,371 They sequester you, they lock the door. 1285 01:00:07,404 --> 01:00:09,640 They put a piece of tape over the door... 1286 01:00:09,674 --> 01:00:11,075 Seriously. They don't want you leaving. 1287 01:00:11,108 --> 01:00:12,409 You break the seal, and they know. 1288 01:00:12,442 --> 01:00:14,645 Thanks Willam, for ruining it for everybody. 1289 01:00:16,914 --> 01:00:20,050 Willam used to go out, and get a little... Anyway... 1290 01:00:20,084 --> 01:00:21,786 So, they put you in the room. 1291 01:00:21,819 --> 01:00:23,888 They give you, like, a big bowl of snacks 1292 01:00:23,921 --> 01:00:26,056 and a big, thick thing of note paper, 1293 01:00:26,090 --> 01:00:28,592 and like, if you need anything, just write a note, 1294 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:30,360 and slide it under the door. 1295 01:00:31,428 --> 01:00:34,665 And in the first hour, I ran out of note paper. 1296 01:00:35,933 --> 01:00:38,102 I was like, "More snacks." 1297 01:00:43,674 --> 01:00:44,909 "More hotel lotion." 1298 01:00:49,313 --> 01:00:51,215 Because, you know, I was doing... 1299 01:00:52,216 --> 01:00:54,618 I was doing my delicates by hand. 1300 01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:58,756 Actually, it was more like roughing up the fucking witness. 1301 01:01:00,290 --> 01:01:02,526 I was playing Good Cop, Bad Cop with my fucking dick. 1302 01:01:04,194 --> 01:01:05,730 "Tell me what you know!" 1303 01:01:08,065 --> 01:01:09,834 "Spit it out." 1304 01:01:09,867 --> 01:01:12,602 "Spit it out. Spit it out!" 1305 01:01:23,781 --> 01:01:25,415 "More fresh towels." 1306 01:01:44,234 --> 01:01:45,435 Got 'em. 1307 01:01:47,772 --> 01:01:49,774 All right. I got it. Thank you. 1308 01:01:49,774 --> 01:01:51,375 Thank you. Jesus. 1309 01:01:51,408 --> 01:01:52,910 Oh, my God, I'm bending over in a corset. 1310 01:01:52,943 --> 01:01:55,045 I swear to God, my balls are going to pop out. 1311 01:01:55,079 --> 01:01:57,114 - 1312 01:01:57,147 --> 01:01:58,949 But the hotel was very nice, though. 1313 01:01:58,983 --> 01:02:01,651 It had one of those fancy espresso machines, 1314 01:02:02,286 --> 01:02:03,788 but it broke in my suitcase. 1315 01:02:05,489 --> 01:02:07,257 Should have wrapped it in more towels. 1316 01:02:08,592 --> 01:02:11,161 But I've been really lucky, though, to travel and perform. 1317 01:02:11,195 --> 01:02:12,562 It's been fantastic. 1318 01:02:12,596 --> 01:02:15,299 It's really led to some amazing opportunities 1319 01:02:15,332 --> 01:02:17,134 for a lot of the other contestants. 1320 01:02:20,337 --> 01:02:23,040 -OnlyFans, apparently. - 1321 01:02:23,073 --> 01:02:24,708 Have you seen it? Some of the girls, I mean... 1322 01:02:24,809 --> 01:02:27,077 They do a lot of porn. 1323 01:02:27,111 --> 01:02:29,146 And I've got to say, it matches their drag. 1324 01:02:29,179 --> 01:02:31,215 -Average. - 1325 01:02:34,384 --> 01:02:36,320 So, I've been... I was so lucky to fly 1326 01:02:36,353 --> 01:02:39,589 to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and do a show down there. 1327 01:02:39,623 --> 01:02:42,893 -Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. - 1328 01:02:42,927 --> 01:02:46,263 So beautiful. Yeah, so fantastic. 1329 01:02:46,296 --> 01:02:49,699 And I'm not going to fat-shame anybody, because I'm fat, 1330 01:02:49,733 --> 01:02:53,270 but the flight attendant, she kept bumping my shoulder 1331 01:02:53,303 --> 01:02:54,839 every time she'd go by. 1332 01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:57,507 I was at a window seat. 1333 01:03:01,145 --> 01:03:03,013 I'm a big girl, too. 1334 01:03:03,047 --> 01:03:06,951 And then she had the audacity to give me one bag of pretzels 1335 01:03:06,984 --> 01:03:09,019 that was, like, I flipped it over, 100 calories. 1336 01:03:09,053 --> 01:03:12,156 I was like, "Are you... "That's enough to piss me the fuck off. 1337 01:03:14,158 --> 01:03:16,360 Then I look on the back, it says, "14 grams." 1338 01:03:17,962 --> 01:03:19,663 Honey, I've snorted more than that. 1339 01:03:19,696 --> 01:03:22,099 -Fourteen grams. 1340 01:03:22,132 --> 01:03:24,434 Those fucking seats. Tight as fuck. 1341 01:03:24,468 --> 01:03:27,704 My leg keeps hitting the fucking recline button by accident. 1342 01:03:27,737 --> 01:03:31,008 Like, "Could you... Sir, could you..." "Sir." 1343 01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:32,977 "Could you put your seat up?" 1344 01:03:33,010 --> 01:03:34,945 I'm like, "I'm trying." 1345 01:03:34,979 --> 01:03:39,716 So, anyway, then I saw this advertisement for the Comfort Plus. 1346 01:03:39,749 --> 01:03:42,619 "Hey, why don't you upgrade to Comfort Plus, 1347 01:03:42,652 --> 01:03:46,156 "and get a little more elbow room for your knees?" 1348 01:03:46,190 --> 01:03:49,126 How about a little more fucking elbow room for my goddamn elbows? 1349 01:03:49,159 --> 01:03:51,128 -Jesus Christ! - 1350 01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:52,696 So, we're going to Puerto Velveeta... 1351 01:03:54,698 --> 01:03:58,035 ...and we had a little downtime before we did our show. 1352 01:03:58,068 --> 01:04:00,137 And so, we're lying on the beach. 1353 01:04:00,170 --> 01:04:05,910 It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. Sun's out, guns out, and... 1354 01:04:05,943 --> 01:04:07,978 And the vendors come up, and they're like, 1355 01:04:08,012 --> 01:04:10,480 "Hey, senorita, how are you today?" 1356 01:04:10,514 --> 01:04:14,451 That's my accent from Mexico. Thank you. 1357 01:04:14,484 --> 01:04:17,454 -Getting canceled today. - 1358 01:04:17,487 --> 01:04:18,923 "Senorita, hi." 1359 01:04:18,956 --> 01:04:22,292 Would you like a sombrero? I was like, "No, I'm good." 1360 01:04:22,326 --> 01:04:24,394 "You're pasty, you'll get burned." 1361 01:04:24,428 --> 01:04:26,063 I was like, "No, I'm good. Okay?" 1362 01:04:26,096 --> 01:04:27,264 "Would you like some jewelry?" 1363 01:04:27,297 --> 01:04:28,398 "No, I'm cool. Cool." 1364 01:04:28,432 --> 01:04:30,935 "A scarf?" "No, I'm cool." 1365 01:04:30,968 --> 01:04:32,336 "Cocaine?" 1366 01:04:32,369 --> 01:04:34,504 -Wow, that was a jump. 1367 01:04:36,974 --> 01:04:38,108 "I'll take two scarves." 1368 01:04:42,346 --> 01:04:46,616 No, like... I don't like cocaine, but I love the way it smells. 1369 01:04:47,952 --> 01:04:50,087 Ah! 1370 01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:52,822 When I'm getting bare-backed in a bathroom stall... 1371 01:04:52,856 --> 01:04:55,492 "Cocaine smells great." 1372 01:04:57,995 --> 01:05:02,099 Actually, most days, I'm kind of like a gay Muslim. Stoned. 1373 01:05:03,968 --> 01:05:06,103 Hey, I'm not the one throwing people off buildings. 1374 01:05:06,136 --> 01:05:07,204 That's them. 1375 01:05:08,705 --> 01:05:10,374 So, yeah. Phew, It got dark. 1376 01:05:10,407 --> 01:05:12,076 -Horrible. 1377 01:05:12,977 --> 01:05:15,345 So then, we're walking down there, 1378 01:05:15,379 --> 01:05:16,981 walking down the walkway and stuff, 1379 01:05:16,981 --> 01:05:20,017 and the boardwalk, and they're like, "Hey, hey," 1380 01:05:20,050 --> 01:05:22,252 and you see the guys outside the pharmacies, 1381 01:05:22,286 --> 01:05:24,221 and he's like, "We have diet pills." 1382 01:05:26,556 --> 01:05:30,227 How fucking rude! Rude! 1383 01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:31,895 Two boxes. 1384 01:05:31,996 --> 01:05:34,698 -I'll take two. 1385 01:05:34,731 --> 01:05:36,900 Three. They are great, by the way. 1386 01:05:37,001 --> 01:05:39,769 They work great. I'm sweating like two rats fucking in a wool sock. 1387 01:05:39,803 --> 01:05:41,238 -All right. - 1388 01:05:42,639 --> 01:05:44,374 So, there was a really beautiful boy. 1389 01:05:44,408 --> 01:05:45,709 His name was Cesar. 1390 01:05:45,742 --> 01:05:47,577 And he's like, "Do you want to go scuba diving? 1391 01:05:47,611 --> 01:05:50,014 "I'll take you. We'll take you on a scuba diving ride." 1392 01:05:50,014 --> 01:05:53,250 My friend's like, "No. This is where they fucking take you 1393 01:05:53,283 --> 01:05:54,718 "to the fucking, like, outskirts, 1394 01:05:54,751 --> 01:05:57,621 "they cut you open, they sell your organs." 1395 01:05:57,654 --> 01:05:59,556 I'm like, "What are you gonna do with my fucking organs?" 1396 01:05:59,589 --> 01:06:01,791 Like, sell them as an after-photo? 1397 01:06:01,825 --> 01:06:04,694 Like, no, my kidneys and liver are shot. 1398 01:06:04,728 --> 01:06:09,033 So... "No, they could bury you in a shallow grave." 1399 01:06:09,933 --> 01:06:11,335 Honey, it's going to take him all day 1400 01:06:11,368 --> 01:06:14,638 to dig a fucking hole to put me in a shallow grave. 1401 01:06:14,671 --> 01:06:16,206 -I'm a big bitch. 1402 01:06:16,240 --> 01:06:19,376 So, I tell you... And I'm still in the heels. Thank you. 1403 01:06:19,409 --> 01:06:22,179 I'm waiting for them to be ground down to flats in a minute. 1404 01:06:22,212 --> 01:06:23,547 All right, so... 1405 01:06:23,580 --> 01:06:27,584 But seriously, the ocean is fucking scary, dude. It's vast. 1406 01:06:27,617 --> 01:06:29,819 And, like, the sharks... 1407 01:06:29,853 --> 01:06:34,091 Ugh. Like, my biggest fear of being half-eaten by a shark, 1408 01:06:34,124 --> 01:06:36,693 is I'd still be 20 pounds over my goal weight. 1409 01:06:38,195 --> 01:06:40,930 So... No, actually, I'm more terrified of dolphins 1410 01:06:40,964 --> 01:06:43,100 because, I don't know if you guys know about dolphins, 1411 01:06:43,133 --> 01:06:47,071 but, you know, they get a little frisky. 1412 01:06:47,104 --> 01:06:49,173 They don't know that "No" means, . 1413 01:06:51,408 --> 01:06:54,178 And, of course, if it's... You know, gets you pregnant 1414 01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:57,181 and it's past the guppy stage, and you live in Oklahoma or Texas, 1415 01:06:57,214 --> 01:06:59,316 -you've got to keep it. - 1416 01:07:00,284 --> 01:07:02,286 Please fucking vote. Anyway... 1417 01:07:02,319 --> 01:07:04,754 So, Cesar is like, "I'll take you on a scuba dive." 1418 01:07:04,788 --> 01:07:06,290 I was like, "Okay, great." 1419 01:07:06,323 --> 01:07:10,594 So, he gives me a vest in XXX. I'm like, "Okay, thank you." 1420 01:07:10,627 --> 01:07:13,763 So, there I am, trying to buckle the thing. I'm like, "God." 1421 01:07:13,797 --> 01:07:15,932 And I've got my white swim shirt on, 1422 01:07:15,965 --> 01:07:17,534 and I'm buckling this black vest 1423 01:07:17,567 --> 01:07:20,304 over my fucking belly, 1424 01:07:20,970 --> 01:07:23,207 Black vest, white shirt. 1425 01:07:23,240 --> 01:07:24,374 I looked like Shamu. 1426 01:07:26,310 --> 01:07:29,313 So, we get into the water and I float like soap. 1427 01:07:29,346 --> 01:07:33,950 I'm like ivory soap, just 99.44% pure evil. 1428 01:07:33,983 --> 01:07:36,486 And so he's like, ploop. 1429 01:07:39,823 --> 01:07:42,959 And then he said the sweetest thing to me. 1430 01:07:42,992 --> 01:07:46,363 Cesar turns to me and he's like, "You need to be heavier." 1431 01:07:48,031 --> 01:07:49,166 Thank you. 1432 01:07:49,733 --> 01:07:51,735 Thank you! I do! 1433 01:07:53,036 --> 01:07:55,139 I need to be heavier. 1434 01:07:55,139 --> 01:07:57,707 So, he throws a weight belt on me. 1435 01:07:57,741 --> 01:08:01,478 Bloop. So, he throws the anchor on me. Bloop. And I finally sink. 1436 01:08:01,511 --> 01:08:06,049 And so, we get down there, and it's just beautiful, just gorgeous. 1437 01:08:06,150 --> 01:08:08,485 I'm swimming around like the little sperm maid. 1438 01:08:15,825 --> 01:08:17,794 I want to be where the people aren't. 1439 01:08:19,863 --> 01:08:23,300 So, we have a great time, scuba diving and stuff, and then we get up there. 1440 01:08:23,333 --> 01:08:24,968 And apparently, there was a hurricane 1441 01:08:25,001 --> 01:08:28,905 that was coming, and so, the water was a'churnin'. 1442 01:08:28,938 --> 01:08:31,007 Like my eggs Benedict from that mornin'. 1443 01:08:31,040 --> 01:08:33,443 -Just a'churnin'. 1444 01:08:33,477 --> 01:08:36,280 And then, like, "Okay, get back up on the boat." 1445 01:08:36,313 --> 01:08:39,416 So, he grabs the metal ladder and throws it down. 1446 01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:42,586 And the boat's doing this, and the ladder's doing this. 1447 01:08:42,619 --> 01:08:44,188 He's like, "Grab on." 1448 01:08:45,555 --> 01:08:46,556 I'm like, "Fuck." 1449 01:08:47,957 --> 01:08:49,459 So, this metal ladder, I'm trying to... 1450 01:08:52,196 --> 01:08:56,099 "Oh my God, I've got no strength left. Holy crap." 1451 01:08:56,200 --> 01:08:58,535 So, my hands and legs are sliding through the fucking thing. 1452 01:08:58,568 --> 01:09:01,205 I'm getting grated like I'm a goddamn potato on a mandolin. 1453 01:09:01,238 --> 01:09:02,806 -I'm like, "Jesus." - 1454 01:09:02,839 --> 01:09:04,408 "I'm gonna fall." 1455 01:09:04,441 --> 01:09:08,011 Then I feel Cesar's hands on my ass. I'm like, "Not now." 1456 01:09:09,546 --> 01:09:13,550 -Now, he wants a tossed Cesar salad. Oh! - 1457 01:09:13,583 --> 01:09:16,853 He was like, "I'm trying to give you a push, gringa puerca." 1458 01:09:18,588 --> 01:09:21,625 Which... I don't speak Spanish, but I think that means "Pretty lady." 1459 01:09:23,727 --> 01:09:26,363 I'm trying to grab on, and I have no strength left. 1460 01:09:26,396 --> 01:09:29,766 Like, I couldn't slap the shit out of a colostomy bag. 1461 01:09:31,301 --> 01:09:33,270 So, I finally get a leg up on the fucking thing. 1462 01:09:33,303 --> 01:09:34,971 He's got his hands on my ass, 1463 01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:38,275 , it bucks me into the fucking air. 1464 01:09:38,308 --> 01:09:41,077 I go flying through the fucking air. 1465 01:09:41,110 --> 01:09:42,979 I'm like, "Whoa!" 1466 01:09:43,012 --> 01:09:46,583 -In my black vest and white... Like Free Willy. - 1467 01:09:46,616 --> 01:09:50,587 I feel a little boy eating a bag of kettle corn 1468 01:09:50,620 --> 01:09:52,055 just rub my belly 1469 01:09:52,088 --> 01:09:56,560 as I fly through the air on top of him. Splat! 1470 01:09:56,593 --> 01:09:59,829 I land on the boat, the boat goes, , 1471 01:09:59,863 --> 01:10:01,298 start sliding down. 1472 01:10:01,331 --> 01:10:04,000 The captain goes, "We're going to need a bigger boat." 1473 01:10:07,804 --> 01:10:09,639 And I finally make it up onto the boat. 1474 01:10:09,673 --> 01:10:11,241 . 1475 01:10:13,543 --> 01:10:18,081 The gasoline and salt water has made it down into my eggs Benny. 1476 01:10:18,114 --> 01:10:20,116 I was like, . 1477 01:10:23,119 --> 01:10:25,655 I see that little boy's bag of kettle corn, 1478 01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:28,658 snatch it out of his hand. 1479 01:10:32,496 --> 01:10:36,132 And the first thing you do after you puke is breathe in. 1480 01:10:46,476 --> 01:10:49,579 Kettle corn touched my face with puke. 1481 01:10:52,048 --> 01:10:53,617 Isn't it lovely. 1482 01:10:53,650 --> 01:10:56,720 -I'm still single by the way. Thank you. - 1483 01:10:56,753 --> 01:11:00,390 Ugh. I'm worn out, dehydrated, half down, handicapped at this point, 1484 01:11:00,424 --> 01:11:03,393 and I'm like, "Oh my God," crying, 1485 01:11:03,427 --> 01:11:05,329 "Somebody give me a cigarette." 1486 01:11:05,329 --> 01:11:06,563 And a bump of cocaine. 1487 01:11:08,665 --> 01:11:09,666 So, we get back 1488 01:11:10,334 --> 01:11:12,168 to the dock, I'm like... 1489 01:11:15,972 --> 01:11:17,106 "Are those nachos?" 1490 01:11:22,346 --> 01:11:24,047 I wasn't crying. I was... 1491 01:11:24,080 --> 01:11:25,882 -Nachos. - 1492 01:11:25,915 --> 01:11:28,418 So, as I sat there eating the nachos, I was like, 1493 01:11:28,452 --> 01:11:31,988 "Man, I've got to take better care of my fucking self." 1494 01:11:32,021 --> 01:11:34,558 You know, that's... I mean... 1495 01:11:34,591 --> 01:11:38,428 I'm going to be 50, last year, and... 1496 01:11:41,998 --> 01:11:43,367 Thank you. 1497 01:11:47,371 --> 01:11:50,407 So, I decided, "I'm going to go to that gym, 1498 01:11:50,440 --> 01:11:51,975 "and I'm going to, you know..." 1499 01:11:52,008 --> 01:11:53,443 Like, I went to the gym four times. 1500 01:11:54,844 --> 01:11:56,279 Last week. 1501 01:11:56,380 --> 01:11:58,014 But I couldn't find a parking spot close enough. 1502 01:11:58,047 --> 01:11:59,483 -No, no. 1503 01:11:59,516 --> 01:12:01,184 I actually decided, "I'm paying for this membership. 1504 01:12:01,217 --> 01:12:03,787 "I'm going to go." I got myself a personal terrorist... Uh, trainer. 1505 01:12:06,189 --> 01:12:07,857 And I've lost some weight. 1506 01:12:11,728 --> 01:12:13,497 People are like, "How much did you lose?" 1507 01:12:13,530 --> 01:12:17,000 "We've seen your transformation. How much did you lose?" 1508 01:12:17,033 --> 01:12:21,170 And actually, like... Almost 200 pounds. 1509 01:12:21,204 --> 01:12:23,640 -know. 1510 01:12:24,240 --> 01:12:25,742 I'm still fat. It's cool. 1511 01:12:25,775 --> 01:12:27,511 Um, but that's not it. 1512 01:12:27,544 --> 01:12:30,747 It's not about what you lose. It's about what you gain. 1513 01:12:30,780 --> 01:12:32,281 I have gained strength. 1514 01:12:32,315 --> 01:12:33,950 I have gained flexibility. 1515 01:12:38,287 --> 01:12:40,023 I can now sit on my dick. 1516 01:12:41,891 --> 01:12:43,560 Squat down, and get in it. 1517 01:12:44,828 --> 01:12:46,029 Did I put panties on? 1518 01:12:47,564 --> 01:12:50,700 I have gained my flexibility, my energy, my life back. 1519 01:12:50,734 --> 01:12:53,202 And that is what I'm so truly happy about it. 1520 01:12:56,339 --> 01:12:58,475 It's not about the number on the fucking scale. 1521 01:12:58,508 --> 01:13:01,144 It's about what you give, what you get in life. 1522 01:13:01,177 --> 01:13:02,646 That's what I feel better about. 1523 01:13:02,679 --> 01:13:06,950 I can continue to now get on my knees, and praise Jesus. 1524 01:13:06,983 --> 01:13:08,652 -And... - 1525 01:13:08,685 --> 01:13:12,456 But I also gained the cheddar and sour cream chips. 1526 01:13:14,858 --> 01:13:16,460 I have made it. 1527 01:13:16,493 --> 01:13:19,463 And that's the thing, too. It's like, I've been fat my whole fucking life. 1528 01:13:19,463 --> 01:13:22,466 And I was like, "Uh, you know, maybe this is... 1529 01:13:22,466 --> 01:13:23,867 "This is just me. Whatever." 1530 01:13:24,568 --> 01:13:25,735 And it's fine to be fat. 1531 01:13:25,769 --> 01:13:28,638 But it's so important to be strong, 1532 01:13:28,672 --> 01:13:30,640 and be able to get off the floor when you can. 1533 01:13:30,674 --> 01:13:32,476 You know, like, I don't want to be... 1534 01:13:32,509 --> 01:13:33,977 Because my parents are getting old. 1535 01:13:34,010 --> 01:13:35,645 They're getting to that, they fall on the fucking floor, 1536 01:13:35,679 --> 01:13:37,847 they never get up. "Help. I've fallen. I can't get up." 1537 01:13:37,881 --> 01:13:41,150 Which we think is funny. But when you're lying there, embarrassed, 1538 01:13:41,184 --> 01:13:44,654 in a Walmart parking lot, you know, it's not so great. 1539 01:13:44,688 --> 01:13:46,923 So, it's about taking care of yourself 1540 01:13:46,956 --> 01:13:48,658 and having that. 1541 01:13:48,692 --> 01:13:50,226 I don't want to be a burden on anybody. 1542 01:13:50,259 --> 01:13:53,362 So, I'm like, "Let me take care of myself and get stronger." 1543 01:13:53,396 --> 01:13:56,533 And I honestly did not think I could do it. 1544 01:13:57,501 --> 01:13:59,669 But then I thought about bumblebees. 1545 01:13:59,703 --> 01:14:02,606 And I don't know if you know the story about bumblebees. 1546 01:14:02,639 --> 01:14:05,609 Their wings are really small for their big, fat bodies. 1547 01:14:06,976 --> 01:14:10,880 According to physics, bumblebees should not fly, 1548 01:14:11,881 --> 01:14:13,182 but they do. 1549 01:14:13,216 --> 01:14:16,119 They defy physics, and they fly. 1550 01:14:16,152 --> 01:14:19,422 They take their fat little bodies, and they put all their heart 1551 01:14:19,523 --> 01:14:22,258 and energy into it, and they can fly. 1552 01:14:27,964 --> 01:14:31,935 So, as I stand up here, still in heels... 1553 01:14:33,970 --> 01:14:37,040 ...I want you to know that if I can fucking do it, 1554 01:14:37,073 --> 01:14:38,441 anybody can do it. 1555 01:14:38,542 --> 01:14:41,044 I know that all of you can fly. 1556 01:14:41,077 --> 01:14:42,546 I believe in all of you. 1557 01:14:42,546 --> 01:14:44,714 My sisters, my misters, 1558 01:14:44,748 --> 01:14:47,116 my girls, my gays and my theys. 1559 01:14:47,150 --> 01:14:50,654 I want you to go out there and attack every fucking world. 1560 01:14:50,687 --> 01:14:53,557 And remember, when shit gets you down, pull it off, 1561 01:14:53,590 --> 01:14:55,291 and remember tomorrow is a new day. 1562 01:14:55,324 --> 01:14:59,896 Bat those fuckin eyelashes and fly your fat ass to the goddamn sun. 1563 01:14:59,929 --> 01:15:02,131 -loveyou. 1564 01:15:02,165 --> 01:15:03,399 Thank you for being here. 1565 01:15:03,432 --> 01:15:07,036 -Big kisses from the big girl. 1566 01:15:07,070 --> 01:15:08,071 Muah! 1567 01:15:17,080 --> 01:15:20,950 * I'm pushing hard But even then it's all I got 1568 01:15:20,984 --> 01:15:24,821 * I won't stop... Till I'm 'bout to, 'bout to die 1569 01:15:24,854 --> 01:15:28,592 * It's not just me I know it's you and I 1570 01:15:28,625 --> 01:15:32,395 * Together we Together we can fly 1571 01:15:32,428 --> 01:15:36,232 * La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la 1572 01:15:36,265 --> 01:15:40,003 * La, la, la, la, la Together we can fly, fly 1573 01:15:40,036 --> 01:15:43,907 * La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la 1574 01:15:43,940 --> 01:15:47,911 * La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la 1575 01:15:47,944 --> 01:15:50,980 * La, la, la, la, la Together we can fly *