1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:28,362 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlethems, 4 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,930 put your hands together 5 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,965 and welcome the Mouth of the South, 6 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,867 the keeper of the gay agenda, 7 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:37,405 that southern belle herself, Ginger Minj. 8 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,473 - 9 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,368 Welcome. 10 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,570 It's so nice to have you. 11 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,539 My name is Ginger Minj. 12 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,212 And I'm an overweight, asthmatic, 13 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,514 change-smoking cross-dresser... 14 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,419 ...from Orlando, Florida. 15 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,158 Do you like my dress? 16 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,561 It's a good dress, right? 17 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,265 These bitches are like, "No. From the side, 18 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,966 "you look like Alfred Hitchcock." 19 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,536 I'm certainly feeling my Judy Garland 20 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,738 farm bitch fantasy tonight. 21 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,073 AUDIENCE: Whoo! 22 00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:49,243 Ooh! And I feel pretty. 23 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:52,580 -Oh, so pretty! 24 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:56,750 I feel pretty, and witty, 25 00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,386 and... what? Okay. 26 00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,254 AUDIENCE: Gay! 27 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,190 Gay! Oh, be careful. I'm from Florida. 28 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,324 -Don't say that too loud. - 29 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:08,529 We laugh, so we don't cry. 30 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,201 I found a straight man. 31 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,638 You have no clue what the fuck 32 00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,673 I'm talking about tonight, do you? 33 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:23,211 Don't worry, honey. We will be gentle. 34 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,045 I promise, if you just pay attention, 35 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,215 we're going to have you speaking fluent fag 36 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,382 by the end of tonight. 37 00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,653 Oh! 38 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:35,223 And just so you will know, 39 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:38,226 and your children will someday know, 40 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,362 that is our word. 41 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,530 Okay? 42 00:02:43,264 --> 00:02:44,832 -Yeah. 43 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,835 So... 44 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,304 Feel free to appreciate it. 45 00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:53,241 Tonight you have my permission to laugh at it. 46 00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:55,709 -But don't ever say it. - 47 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,578 Unless you pull my hair a little bit first, 48 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:58,846 'cause I do like that shit. 49 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:04,485 Are there any other straight men here tonight? 50 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,787 -MAN: Whoo! -Oh! Aw. 51 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,390 Oh, that is sweet. 52 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,959 Aw, you see, that's why we call this a "drag show." 53 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:14,462 Yeah, 'cause the middle-aged white women 54 00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:17,931 keep dragging their husbands here night after night. 55 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,933 Nah, I love straight men, though. 56 00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:22,470 Oh, my God, straight men are some of the best 57 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,171 lovers I've ever had. 58 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,676 And it is good to see you again. 59 00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:34,682 All right, so, in honor of how 60 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,818 -pretty I look tonight... - 61 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,355 I thought we'd kicked this whole show off 62 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,691 with a great big musical number. 63 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,701 * Momma always Showed me off 64 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,804 * To the ladies After Sunday Church 65 00:03:56,837 --> 00:04:00,908 * She'd say Spin around, child In your blue dress 66 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,911 * Show 'em all Of Momma's work 67 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:07,348 * And I knew that I had A beautiful smile 68 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:08,916 * And a voice Like an angel... 69 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,585 Let's not get carried away. 70 00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:14,888 * But I look like Dolly When I dress for parties 71 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,925 * 'Cause every time Momma would say 72 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:21,362 * She's as pretty As she can be 73 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:24,898 * Just perfectionary To a "T" 74 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:28,436 * And she makes it Look so easy 75 00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,037 * And we know That she knows 76 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,773 * She's as pretty As she can be 77 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:35,343 But she doesn't have a big head about it. 78 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,578 * Now I'm older staring 79 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:38,712 * In the mirror 80 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:41,715 * Wonderin' what the hell Did momma see 81 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:44,452 * ' Cause that pretty Girl spinnin' 82 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:45,486 * In her blue dress 83 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,589 * Ain't the woman staring Back at me 84 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,391 * So I paint on a smile 85 00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:51,959 * And I hold My head high 86 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,894 * So my hair Don't fall over... 87 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,630 'Cause I'm running out of fucking hair spray. 88 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,131 * And I look like Dolly 89 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,733 * When I dress for parties 90 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,736 * ' Cause I know everyone Would say 91 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:06,073 * She's as pretty As she can be 92 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:09,810 * Just perfectionary To a "T" 93 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:13,046 * And she makes it Look so easy 94 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,015 * And we know That she knows 95 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:16,550 * She's as pretty As she... 96 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,552 Okay, now I want to hear you whistle 97 00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:19,920 if you feel pretty. 98 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,692 I said pretty, not puny. 99 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,527 Come on, put them lungs behind it. 100 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:31,198 Looking at you, I think you could blow better than that. 101 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,868 That's fine. 102 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:37,905 You know what? You're not getting paid for it anyway. 103 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,941 * All my life, I've heard People say 104 00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:44,778 * Pretty is all I will ever be 105 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:49,450 * But if they looked inside They might realize 106 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:54,221 * There's a whole lot More to me 107 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,457 I mean, on top of being really pretty. 108 00:05:56,490 --> 00:06:00,227 * 'Cause she's as pretty As she can be 109 00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:04,331 * Just perfectionary To a "T" 110 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:07,601 * And she makes it Look so easy 111 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,169 * And we know That she knows 112 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,204 * She's as pretty As she can 113 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,773 * Know that she knows 114 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,007 * She's as pretty As she... 115 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,043 * Yeah, we know that She knows 116 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:18,712 * She's as pretty As she can be* 117 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,214 Well, that's the song. 118 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,362 Aw. Wow. 119 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:36,797 How unexpected. 120 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,632 Thank you. 121 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,868 Okay. So you remember how I told you 122 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,736 that I'm from Orlando, Florida? 123 00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,873 Well, the lie detector has proved that 124 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:48,976 - 125 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,177 Forgive me. I tend to speak 126 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,145 in '90s daytime talk show quotes. 127 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,281 -Go with what you know, right? 128 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,184 So I'm not from Orlando. 129 00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:01,121 I'm actually from this teeny, tiny little Podunk, 130 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,124 Southern Baptist town called Leesburg, 131 00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,727 which is in Lake County, Florida, 132 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,695 -which is at-- - 133 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,063 No. If you'd been there, you wouldn't shout. 134 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,807 It's about 45 minutes north of Orlando. 135 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,342 And about 45 years behind it, culturally. 136 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,513 Sweet people, though. 137 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:29,282 Oh, God. Salt of the earth, huge hearts. 138 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:32,185 Actually, I think the medical terminology is enlarged hearts. 139 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,824 What do I know? I'm not a doctor. 140 00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:39,126 I don't mean to imply that we're an unhealthy people, 141 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,328 where I come from. It's just that... 142 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,863 You know, one day I did see 143 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:45,933 this woman get so winded going upstairs, 144 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,035 she had to stop and catch her breath. 145 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,436 And then I thought, 146 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:52,172 "The escalator can get the best of anybody." 147 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,780 Oh, if I could describe this woman in one word, 148 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,149 it would be sturdy. 149 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,919 Actually, my granny always said, you know, 150 00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:08,388 you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. 151 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,958 So you should always find something to compliment 152 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,126 on everybody that you meet. 153 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,795 Like, uh... 154 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,565 Oh. Like that woman right there. 155 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,900 Hi, you look gorgeous. 156 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,269 I love that haircut. 157 00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:25,405 It's beautiful. It's so informative. 158 00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:30,944 Yeah, I didn't know that Fantastic Sams had a drive through, so... 159 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,984 That's what we call a vowel movement. 160 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,120 I'm just kidding, girl. 161 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:43,090 It looks gorgeous on you. 162 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,060 Bless your heart. 163 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,929 - 164 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,599 Oh, y'all know what that means. 165 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:55,435 Oh, yeah. "Bless your heart" is Southern for "Fuck you." 166 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:03,410 You know, basically, it's what we say 167 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:06,179 anytime we want to throw a little bit of shade 168 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,615 and then blame it on Jesus. 169 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,618 You know. 170 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,253 I love a teachable moment. 171 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:17,691 I do. So why don't we all do a little group exercise... 172 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:19,359 -WOMAN: Yes! - 173 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,460 Oh... 174 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,032 Threw up in my mouth a little bit, 175 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,267 just trying to say the word. Um... 176 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,204 Let's do a little group exercise... 177 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,006 WOMAN: Yes. 178 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,008 Oh, shit. I can do this. 179 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,552 Let's do a little group activity. 180 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,189 Much better. Okay, All right. 181 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,390 So I'm going to throw 182 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,459 a little bit of light-hearted shade, 183 00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,261 and then you're all going to say, 184 00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,429 "Bless your heart." 185 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,731 Let's try that. Okay? 186 00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:59,399 Practice round. 187 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,269 A little bit of light-hearted shade. 188 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,104 AUDIENCE: Bless your heart. 189 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,073 Oh, shit. 190 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,075 Y'all are good. Okay. This is going to be good. 191 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,778 Okay so, um, for example, 192 00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:14,782 you've got more thumbs than you've got teeth. 193 00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,984 AUDIENCE: Bless your heart. 194 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:22,622 Or who knew a miniskirt 195 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:26,660 and an AARP card could belong to the same person? 196 00:10:27,594 --> 00:10:30,097 AUDIENCE: Bless your heart. 197 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:35,135 Or you are so cross-eyed, 198 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,104 that when you cry, 199 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,472 tears run down the back of your neck. 200 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:42,542 AUDIENCE: Bless your heart. 201 00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,646 Some of y'all are looking up at me, like, 202 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,682 "Oh, like Kennedy Davenport." Like, ugh! 203 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:53,220 Oh, like, you're so fucking close to her. 204 00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:58,558 These people are laughing. 205 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:01,094 The people in the back are like, 206 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:02,863 "Siri, what's a Kennedy Davenport?" 207 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,400 It's a fancy couch. 208 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,436 - 209 00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:13,273 Southerners love big words. Oh, shit. 210 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,442 Especially if we can't pronounce them. 211 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,110 Those are our favorites. 212 00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:20,280 Words mean nothing to us unless they are from the Bible. 213 00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,416 Or stitched on a throw pillow. 214 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:28,288 Sometimes you get lucky and they're actually both. 215 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:32,325 Like, um, "With God, all things are possible." 216 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,194 AUDIENCE: Oh! 217 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:37,430 Or "The meek shall inherit." 218 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,599 -AUDIENCE: Ah! -GINGER: 219 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,368 Or the old classic, 220 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,370 "Nice girls swallow." 221 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,376 I actually gave that pillow to my granny 222 00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:50,778 one year for Christmas. 223 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,480 Oh, she loved it. 224 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,782 She kept it on her couch 225 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:57,384 so everybody could see it all year round. 226 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:58,786 You know, right before she passed away, 227 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:01,021 I was like, "Granny, why do you keep that pillow out? 228 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:01,989 "Do you know what it means?" 229 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,024 She said, "Of course I know what it means. 230 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,826 "I kept it out all these years, 231 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,560 "so your grandfather would remember 232 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,362 "that he married a nice girl." 233 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,034 Bless her heart. 234 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,973 All right, all right. Now we're going to poll the audience. 235 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,009 It might hurt a little bit. 236 00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,511 By a show of hands, 237 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,880 who thinks that Florida is the South? 238 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,817 Not in the South, but is the South. 239 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,819 Okay. All right. Okay, Good. 240 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,954 And by a show of hands who does not... 241 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,824 Oh. 242 00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,691 I see we are a nation divided. 243 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,595 Isn't it funny how art imitates life? 244 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,565 Yeah. I'm referring to this show as art. 245 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,667 Okay? Just go with me. 246 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,069 Yeah. So, who out there... 247 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,737 Who out there, by a show of hands, 248 00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:52,539 did not believe Florida was the South? 249 00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:56,443 -No, no, no, no. 250 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:57,878 You are completely entitled 251 00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,848 to your very wrong opinion. 252 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,482 You're not the only ones that feel like that. 253 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:05,485 Actually, my very first time on Season Seven, 254 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,520 getting critiqued on the runway, 255 00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:10,023 Michelle Visage turns to me and she says, 256 00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,993 "Aye, Ginger, how are you?" 257 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,535 And I said to her in my most 258 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,672 charming Southern accent, 259 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:28,741 "Well, I'm fine. Thank you, Michelle. How are you?" 260 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,545 That bitch had the nerve to say, 261 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,647 "Where does that accent come from? 262 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,483 "I thought you were from Florida." 263 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,387 "Florida is legiterally..." 264 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,556 "...the furthest south 265 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,893 "that you can go in the United States." 266 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,529 She said, "No, no. 267 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:52,399 "I had a radio show in Tampa for years. 268 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:56,069 "I know for a fact, Florida is not the South." 269 00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,539 Now, y'all know I love a teachable moment. 270 00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:03,543 So I had to politely educate that heifer. 271 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,281 "If you go half an hour outside of Tampa, 272 00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:11,618 "or Orlando, or Miami, 273 00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:14,487 "you're basically in Alabama with a better dental plan." 274 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:18,125 I love Florida. 275 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,293 I mean, it gets a bad rep. I think, you know. 276 00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:22,930 It is Trump country through and through. 277 00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:28,568 Except Orlando. 278 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:31,972 Orlando's this beautiful little blue island, 279 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,174 in the midst of a big red sea. 280 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,310 Oh, and Lake County... 281 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:39,679 That's about as red as you can get. 282 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,150 I'm talking red as my lipstick. 283 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,018 Red as the bottom of that woman's 284 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,020 fake Christian Louboutin shoes, right over there. 285 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,290 Red for filth. 286 00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,325 Maybe that's why we call them rednecks. 287 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:53,593 -You know? -AUDIENCE: Oh! 288 00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,163 No, what am I saying? Nobody in Lake County has a neck. 289 00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:03,203 Oh, Polk County is actually where 290 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:06,606 they filmed 90% of To Catch a Predator. 291 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,210 You laugh, but this shit is true. 292 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,378 You can Google it. 293 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:16,083 They got so much notoriety from that show, 294 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:19,619 they have officially changed the county slogan to 295 00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:20,853 "There's cookies on the counter. 296 00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:22,389 "I'm going to go grab my backpack." 297 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:27,360 Which just narrowly beat out, 298 00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:29,997 "If there's grass on the field, play ball." 299 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:32,732 -AUDIENCE: Oh! - Oh. 300 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,402 In all fairness, most 15-year-olds in Polk County 301 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,603 look like they're about 30, 302 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:41,008 so I can understand where the confusion can come in. 303 00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,276 Now. Now, Florida's on this whole 304 00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:46,713 "Save the Children" kick and yeah, 305 00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,415 we should want to save the children, 306 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,018 but they don't fucking mean it. 307 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:54,121 Can I take a moment while we are right here? 308 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,722 Just since I have the platform 309 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,390 and I have the microphone to say... 310 00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,659 Fuck you, Ron DeSantis. 311 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:16,876 They're so caught up on this "Don't Say Gay" Bill. 312 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,312 And I'm sorry, it took me a long time 313 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:22,049 to harness the power of the word "gay". 314 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:25,885 So I'll be damned if some Eddie Munster looking motherfucker's 315 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,088 going to get me to stop now. 316 00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,422 You know what? 317 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,058 Let's send him a message. 318 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:34,327 Let's all say it together, tonight, okay? 319 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:36,429 -Gay. -AUDIENCE: Gay! 320 00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,431 -Gay! -AUDIENCE: Gay! 321 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,067 Gay! 322 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,235 AUDIENCE: Gay! 323 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:45,772 We do have to be careful. It is Pride Month. If we... 324 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:49,076 If we say that three times into a mirror, Richard Simmons pops up, 325 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:51,311 kicks us in the nuts and steals our lunch money. 326 00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,949 So the "Don't Say Gay" thing, 327 00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,585 that whole thing right there. 328 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:03,090 Supposedly, it's because the right-wingers fear 329 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:07,327 that if the children see how fabulous our lifestyle is, 330 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,863 then they will also want to become gay. 331 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:13,633 Because, you know, of course, being gay is a choice. 332 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,169 Honey, I'm here to tell you. 333 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:20,006 If your surroundings dictated what you became later in life, 334 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,542 I'd be the straightest person ever. 335 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,611 I had to suffer through both of my brothers 336 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,513 clumsily banging out their girlfriends 337 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,980 in their old race car bed, 338 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:29,382 and I had to sit through 339 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,951 at least a dozen of my Uncle Rooster's 340 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:35,122 very Christian wedding services before the age of 10. 341 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,890 It did not make me any straighter. 342 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,161 Yes, I have an Uncle Rooster. 343 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,964 Yes, that is his legal name. 344 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,469 She look mean, don't she? 345 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:54,141 Wouldn't that make the most sickening drag name ever, though? 346 00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:56,042 Rhonda Santis. 347 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:06,419 Can we just get a little more political? 348 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,355 Just, like, a little bit? 349 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,460 All right. Caleb. 350 00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,328 Caleb, where's my close up? 351 00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:17,630 Okay. Right out here. 352 00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,532 If America truly wanted a leader 353 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,335 with orange skin, 354 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:26,473 bad wigs, and a toxic Twitter presence, 355 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,175 we would have crowned Coco Montrese 356 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,677 the winner of Season five of RuPaul's Drag Race. 357 00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:38,618 And now those same people are like, 358 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,620 "What is a Coco Montrese?" 359 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:46,426 So, yes. Florida is firmly the South. 360 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,328 Especially North Florida, where I'm from, 361 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,696 because there's a saying, 362 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,464 "The further North you go in Florida, 363 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,533 "the further south you actually are." 364 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,102 -AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh! - 365 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,337 Oh, you don't have to applaud for it. 366 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,506 -It's horrible. - 367 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,774 You've all seen those headlines, right? 368 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,411 You know that game? You can go on to Google, 369 00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:08,348 you can type in "Florida man", and any date ever 370 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:11,884 and the most ridiculous headlines pop up. 371 00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:16,456 These are just a few of my most recent favorites right here. 372 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:20,327 "Florida man trapped in unlocked closet... 373 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,296 "for two days." 374 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,869 Ah! We've all been there. Girl, come out in your own time. 375 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,240 Or... 376 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:39,379 "Florida man tries to avoid arrest by cartwheeling away from police." 377 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:44,751 I hope he stretched first. 378 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,653 Now, in this culture that we're in now, 379 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:51,791 I'm so surprised that we still give so much power to the Florida man. 380 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,426 You know, particularly somebody like me. 381 00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:54,594 Like, I'm non-binary. 382 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,630 -Why can't we have a Florida they-them? -GIRL: Yes! 383 00:19:57,664 --> 00:19:59,332 Include us. 384 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,268 Could you imagine? 385 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:05,338 "Florida they-them wakes neighbors by screaming and pretending to be 386 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:08,608 -"human fireworks." - 387 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:11,711 Can you think of a better way to make the whole neighborhood "woke"? 388 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,349 I see some of you out there right now. 389 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:20,353 Yeah. You're, like, "What about the Florida woman? 390 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,791 "Why can't it be the Florida woman?" 391 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,327 I think we all know the Florida men would not let their women 392 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,696 out of the kitchen long enough to make headlines. 393 00:20:31,698 --> 00:20:33,866 Oh, we groan, because it's true. 394 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:38,771 You know, one Florida woman who didn't give two shits 395 00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:41,841 about keeping in her place was my granny's neighbor, 396 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,810 Miss Betty Jean Simmons. 397 00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:48,381 She was the epitome of trailer trash perfection. 398 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,883 Oh, she didn't have a penny to her name, 399 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:55,488 but she was all gussied up for every single occasion you can imagine. 400 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:58,224 She was a... a master baker, 401 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,397 and a cake decorator at the Piggly Wiggly. 402 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:06,098 Oh, yeah, you've been there. 403 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:07,934 Oh, you know how prestigious that is. 404 00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:13,906 Everybody talked so much shit about her behind her back, 405 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,777 mostly because I think they were too afraid to do it to her face. 406 00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,412 But I loved her. 407 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:24,917 Oh, I thought Miss Betty Jean was everything, and I wanted to be just like her. 408 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,387 -It's a song! 409 00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:33,460 Should I sit here? Will that be pretty? 410 00:21:35,428 --> 00:21:36,763 Look how intimate we're getting. 411 00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:44,437 * I remember the first time That I saw Betty Jean 412 00:21:46,873 --> 00:21:51,010 * I knew then and there That's who I wanted to be 413 00:21:51,878 --> 00:21:53,813 * Yeah 414 00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:59,986 * Long nails, dyed wigs Tattoos and low-cut blouses 415 00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:04,691 * She was the classiest thing I had ever seen 416 00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:10,597 * No one said But everyone knew 417 00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:19,506 * Betty Jean wasn't someone You looked up to 418 00:22:19,539 --> 00:22:23,610 * She lived two trailers down But she's uptown stuff 419 00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:26,746 * Sweet as pie But she's Tennessee tough 420 00:22:26,779 --> 00:22:30,950 * With hair as tall As the tales that surround her 421 00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:36,789 * She's got $47 In her bank account 422 00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:40,460 * But looks like money Every Friday night out 423 00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:44,764 * She's too big for this place But she'll never leave it 424 00:22:45,798 --> 00:22:48,635 * She's a double-eyed diva 425 00:22:50,136 --> 00:22:51,704 * Oh, yeah 426 00:22:54,641 --> 00:22:58,478 * Betty Jean had a face that looked like Tammy Faye 427 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:05,685 * Never leave home without it That's what she'd always say 428 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:14,894 * Dark eyes, red lips Drawn on as big as she wanted 429 00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:16,629 * You could love her You could hate her 430 00:23:16,663 --> 00:23:19,098 * But you can't look away 431 00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:25,705 * No one said But we all agreed 432 00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:33,880 * There was no one else here Quite like Betty Jean 433 00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:37,917 * She lived two trailers down But she's uptown stuff 434 00:23:37,950 --> 00:23:41,220 * Sweet as pie But she's Tennessee tough 435 00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:45,725 * With hair as tall As the tales that surround her 436 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:47,393 * Oh, yeah 437 00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:51,197 * She's got $47 In her bank account 438 00:23:51,230 --> 00:23:54,767 * But looks like money Every Friday night out 439 00:23:54,801 --> 00:24:00,239 * She's too big for this place But she'll never leave it 440 00:24:00,272 --> 00:24:02,509 * She's a double-eyed diva 441 00:24:04,844 --> 00:24:06,012 * Oh, yeah 442 00:24:07,179 --> 00:24:09,348 * She's a double-eyed diva 443 00:24:10,182 --> 00:24:12,519 * Oh, yeah 444 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:19,291 * Now you can't get nothing Past the people in this town 445 00:24:21,027 --> 00:24:27,934 * So they've all noticed that I'm wearing her high heels now 446 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:32,138 * And I live two trailers down But I'm uptown stuff 447 00:24:32,171 --> 00:24:35,341 * Sweet as pie But I'm Tennessee tough 448 00:24:35,374 --> 00:24:41,147 * With hair as tall As the tales that surround me 449 00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:45,351 * Yeah, I've got $47 In my bank account 450 00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:48,955 * But look like money Every time I step out 451 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:54,961 * I'm too big for this place But I'll never leave it 452 00:24:54,994 --> 00:24:57,897 * I said I'm too big For this place 453 00:24:57,930 --> 00:25:00,099 * But I'll never leave it 454 00:25:01,267 --> 00:25:03,603 * I'm a double-eyed diva 455 00:25:05,572 --> 00:25:08,107 * Oh, yeah 456 00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:11,077 * I'm a double-eyed diva 457 00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:14,581 * Oh, yeah 458 00:25:14,614 --> 00:25:15,815 Dramatic finish. 459 00:25:31,263 --> 00:25:32,431 I'm not done yet. Hold on. 460 00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:40,339 For continuity, you know. 461 00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:43,009 All right, it's time to poll the audience again. 462 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:44,944 Where's my gay man? 463 00:25:44,977 --> 00:25:47,246 -Gay men, yes! 464 00:25:47,279 --> 00:25:49,315 Where my lesbians at? 465 00:25:50,817 --> 00:25:53,986 Oh, good. They're all near the exit, in case somebody's car breaks down. 466 00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,623 -That'll be good. - 467 00:25:56,656 --> 00:26:00,192 -Bisexuals? - 468 00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:04,631 How about my non-binary and transgendered siblings? Where are y'all? 469 00:26:04,631 --> 00:26:07,399 -Me too, thank you. 470 00:26:07,433 --> 00:26:11,037 You know, the worst part about being queer is coming out. 471 00:26:11,070 --> 00:26:14,340 Like, how unfair is that, that straight people get to skip 472 00:26:14,373 --> 00:26:16,275 that shit and go right to being happy? 473 00:26:17,644 --> 00:26:19,245 Who out here is out? 474 00:26:19,779 --> 00:26:22,081 Right here, oh. 475 00:26:22,114 --> 00:26:24,216 Oh, were you ever in, girl? 476 00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:29,656 My God, you giggled and pearls fell out. 477 00:26:29,656 --> 00:26:31,390 -What's your name? 478 00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:32,759 I'm Reggie. 479 00:26:32,792 --> 00:26:36,663 I'm Reggie. I'm Reggie. 480 00:26:36,663 --> 00:26:39,265 I don't have a deep voice, 481 00:26:39,298 --> 00:26:41,433 -Yeah. - 482 00:26:41,467 --> 00:26:44,370 Love that, Reggie. How was your coming out? 483 00:26:44,403 --> 00:26:45,672 It was actually super easy. 484 00:26:45,672 --> 00:26:47,106 It was super easy. 485 00:26:47,139 --> 00:26:49,408 Yeah, I put a lot of stress on myself. 486 00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:52,078 My mom is also bi, so that made... 487 00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:54,113 Your mom is also bi? 488 00:26:54,146 --> 00:26:56,683 Oh, so it was, like, in the water. 489 00:26:58,284 --> 00:27:03,189 I had a very, um, interesting coming out. 490 00:27:03,222 --> 00:27:06,158 So I was a musical theater nerd. 491 00:27:08,895 --> 00:27:11,731 Who bedazzled all of my own costumes. 492 00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:15,802 I baked apple pies from scratch, 493 00:27:15,835 --> 00:27:18,370 and I had an unhealthy obsession with The Wizard of Oz. 494 00:27:19,906 --> 00:27:22,541 What I'm saying is basically, Helen Keller could have seen 495 00:27:22,574 --> 00:27:24,744 -I was queer as a $3 bill. - 496 00:27:24,777 --> 00:27:27,346 "Oh, Oh," what? Too soon? 497 00:27:29,716 --> 00:27:31,550 Come on, it's not like she heard that joke. 498 00:27:36,188 --> 00:27:38,190 And if she did, she wouldn't have seen it coming. 499 00:27:38,224 --> 00:27:40,359 AUDIENCE: Oh. 500 00:27:40,392 --> 00:27:43,095 Oh, yeah. Tweet her about it. Okay. 501 00:27:45,531 --> 00:27:48,835 So, the rest of the church people and the rest of my family, 502 00:27:48,868 --> 00:27:51,871 they'd always go up to my very religious Southern Baptist mama, 503 00:27:51,904 --> 00:27:55,307 and they'd be, like, "Why does he look like that? 504 00:27:56,275 --> 00:27:57,777 "Why does he sound like that? 505 00:27:57,810 --> 00:27:59,779 "Why does he do those things?" 506 00:27:59,812 --> 00:28:02,314 And my mom thought she was coming to my defense 507 00:28:02,348 --> 00:28:05,317 when she would say, "He's just... 508 00:28:05,351 --> 00:28:07,954 "artistic." 509 00:28:07,987 --> 00:28:10,589 Which, turns out, is Southern for flaming homosexual. 510 00:28:12,658 --> 00:28:14,593 Every time I tried to come out to my mama, 511 00:28:14,626 --> 00:28:16,763 she'd stop me and say, "No, 512 00:28:16,796 --> 00:28:18,831 "it's a phase. 513 00:28:18,865 --> 00:28:21,667 "You're just... You're going through a phase." 514 00:28:21,768 --> 00:28:24,303 -Did anybody else get told it was a phase? -WOMAN: Yes. 515 00:28:24,336 --> 00:28:27,506 Girl, what the fuck does that even mean? 516 00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:31,610 I felt like every time I went through another phase, I got gayer and gayer. 517 00:28:31,643 --> 00:28:34,613 -Yeah, Phase one. 518 00:28:36,816 --> 00:28:38,818 Experimenting with the neighbor boy. 519 00:28:40,652 --> 00:28:42,855 -Phase two! - 520 00:28:42,889 --> 00:28:45,792 Experimenting with a hot dog. 521 00:28:47,693 --> 00:28:49,695 -Phase three. - 522 00:28:49,796 --> 00:28:52,631 Experimenting with the neighbor boy's hot dog. 523 00:28:56,903 --> 00:28:59,238 I was always first in line at the community cookout. 524 00:29:00,807 --> 00:29:02,942 The hot dogs always tasted like shit, though. 525 00:29:04,343 --> 00:29:06,913 -Slow burn, yeah, yeah. - 526 00:29:07,947 --> 00:29:09,615 -Oh, shit. - 527 00:29:09,648 --> 00:29:12,318 Ooh, that makes me want a hot dog real bad. 528 00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:30,336 -Mm-mmh. - 529 00:29:41,013 --> 00:29:44,150 Oh, yeah. That was scrumptious. 530 00:29:46,152 --> 00:29:49,856 I am so non-binary, my car runs on gender fluid. 531 00:29:53,059 --> 00:29:54,493 Oh. 532 00:29:54,526 --> 00:29:56,128 "The gays," 533 00:29:56,162 --> 00:29:58,597 as my sister likes to refer to, "the gays." 534 00:29:58,630 --> 00:30:00,632 I think she thinks we all live on the same block. 535 00:30:02,468 --> 00:30:03,535 "The gays." 536 00:30:03,569 --> 00:30:06,973 We've long been referred to as "friends of Dorothy." 537 00:30:07,006 --> 00:30:08,040 PERSON: Yes! 538 00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:12,111 Yeah, and supposedly that's because Judy Garland 539 00:30:12,144 --> 00:30:15,147 played little Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz 540 00:30:15,181 --> 00:30:18,684 and sang the ever iconic Somewhere Over the Rainbow. 541 00:30:18,717 --> 00:30:21,687 The gays loved it so much, we actually adopted the rainbow 542 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,890 as our international symbol of pride. 543 00:30:26,192 --> 00:30:29,195 Which is so ironic, considering how difficult it is 544 00:30:29,228 --> 00:30:32,631 to make any of those colors work together in one outfit. 545 00:30:34,066 --> 00:30:36,035 The rainbow is to the gays, 546 00:30:36,068 --> 00:30:39,638 as cheetah print is to girls from New Jersey. 547 00:30:41,073 --> 00:30:44,543 Like, you know, it doesn't look good on anybody, 548 00:30:44,576 --> 00:30:46,946 but damn it, it is part of your heritage. 549 00:30:48,514 --> 00:30:51,150 So you cover yourself in it from head to toe, 550 00:30:51,183 --> 00:30:53,886 and you dare anybody to call you tacky. 551 00:30:55,587 --> 00:30:57,056 But enough about Michelle Visage. 552 00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:05,064 Has anybody actually seen The Wizard of Oz as an adult? 553 00:31:05,097 --> 00:31:08,267 As an adult... So you know, Dorothy's friends in that movie 554 00:31:08,300 --> 00:31:12,939 are the gayest homosexuals in all of gaydom. 555 00:31:12,972 --> 00:31:16,008 She's, like, she clicked her heels and said, "There's no place like homo." 556 00:31:18,277 --> 00:31:22,114 The Scarecrow, ugh, this brainless twink... 557 00:31:24,050 --> 00:31:27,586 ...who dances his way through life without a care in the world, 558 00:31:27,619 --> 00:31:30,656 like a drunk at an office Christmas party. 559 00:31:30,689 --> 00:31:33,859 Or the Tin Man, who is quick to remind everyone, 560 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,963 "Oh, I have no heart." 561 00:31:36,996 --> 00:31:38,864 But then cries at the drop of a hat, 562 00:31:38,965 --> 00:31:42,534 like Tammy Faye Bakker at a Save the Souls convention. 563 00:31:42,568 --> 00:31:46,205 Or the Cowardly Lion, a furry nelly bottom... 564 00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:50,977 ...who depends on his best girlfriend to drag him through life. 565 00:31:51,810 --> 00:31:53,345 Co-dependent drama queens. 566 00:31:53,379 --> 00:31:55,547 All of 'em. 567 00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,349 You can keep all the other characters though. I didn't give a shit about them. 568 00:31:57,383 --> 00:31:59,885 I only liked one person in that movie. 569 00:31:59,986 --> 00:32:02,989 And it was the Wicked Witch of the East. 570 00:32:02,989 --> 00:32:04,991 Y'all know the one, fashion icon. 571 00:32:04,991 --> 00:32:05,992 WOMAN: Yeah! 572 00:32:05,992 --> 00:32:10,429 Designer pumps, bold sock choice. 573 00:32:10,462 --> 00:32:16,268 Just daring enough to gussy up her basic black dress with a house for a hat. 574 00:32:16,302 --> 00:32:20,039 Oh, she was sickening. Oh, I wanted to be her. 575 00:32:20,072 --> 00:32:23,275 Well, my parents worked a lot when I was younger. 576 00:32:23,309 --> 00:32:26,045 My siblings were all older than me, so I had a couple hours every day 577 00:32:26,078 --> 00:32:27,779 when I would come home from school. 578 00:32:27,813 --> 00:32:30,716 So I'd go rummaging through my mama's closet, 579 00:32:30,749 --> 00:32:33,285 and I pick up her red come-fuck-me pumps. 580 00:32:34,753 --> 00:32:36,422 You know the ones. 581 00:32:37,323 --> 00:32:41,293 And the black lacy negligee, 582 00:32:41,327 --> 00:32:44,430 and I'd run to my bedroom, lock the door, 583 00:32:44,463 --> 00:32:48,667 put it on and just pay homage to this tragic fallen figure. 584 00:32:50,136 --> 00:32:53,039 And then one day, I guess I lost track of time 585 00:32:53,039 --> 00:32:56,308 and my daddy came home early and he found me, 586 00:32:56,342 --> 00:32:58,044 and I thought he was gonna whoop my ass. 587 00:32:58,044 --> 00:33:01,180 But, he just looked at me and he was, like, 588 00:33:01,213 --> 00:33:03,049 "Your mama can deal with this." 589 00:33:04,550 --> 00:33:07,853 And I thought I'm in the clear, because I knew my mama 590 00:33:07,886 --> 00:33:09,755 would have my back no matter what. 591 00:33:10,422 --> 00:33:12,258 Wrong. 592 00:33:12,291 --> 00:33:15,227 She came in, and that bitch let me have it. 593 00:33:15,261 --> 00:33:19,198 She said, "You scuffed up the toe on my shoes. 594 00:33:19,231 --> 00:33:24,070 "You put the heel right through the lace on my nightgown and destroyed it. 595 00:33:24,103 --> 00:33:26,905 "Now, if you want to continue to act a damn fool, 596 00:33:26,938 --> 00:33:28,907 "you need to get some shit of your own." 597 00:33:31,077 --> 00:33:32,411 Epiphany. 598 00:33:42,488 --> 00:33:45,191 As luck would have it, it was 1989, 599 00:33:45,224 --> 00:33:48,094 which was the 50th anniversary of The Wizard of Oz, 600 00:33:48,127 --> 00:33:52,198 and our local Kmart was stocked full of merchandise 601 00:33:52,231 --> 00:33:56,102 to commemorate the occasion, and they had a pair of ruby slippers. 602 00:33:57,169 --> 00:33:58,604 They were hideous. 603 00:34:00,172 --> 00:34:05,611 They were like a... tomato red, hard plastic sling back, 604 00:34:05,644 --> 00:34:08,380 with just some little specks of silver glitter embedded in it. 605 00:34:08,414 --> 00:34:12,218 Oh, this little PVC bow on the peep toe. 606 00:34:12,251 --> 00:34:15,020 And a quarter-inch heel that even Alaska Thunderfuck 607 00:34:15,121 --> 00:34:16,955 would be proud to wear on television. 608 00:34:18,724 --> 00:34:22,361 And I wanted 'em. Ooh, I begged for those shoes. 609 00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:24,296 I said, "If you give me those for Christmas, sir, 610 00:34:24,330 --> 00:34:26,132 "then I'll never ask for anything again." 611 00:34:27,399 --> 00:34:29,235 My dad was, like, "What? Speak English." 612 00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:36,142 So Christmas morning comes around and I open up this amalgamation 613 00:34:36,175 --> 00:34:39,245 of my father's shattered hopes and dreams for me. 614 00:34:39,278 --> 00:34:43,482 You know, like a baseball bat and, ooh, a football helmet. 615 00:34:43,515 --> 00:34:45,451 But no ruby slippers. 616 00:34:46,218 --> 00:34:48,420 AUDIENCE: Aww. 617 00:34:49,221 --> 00:34:50,556 I know. 618 00:34:50,589 --> 00:34:53,392 So later that day, we were at my granny's house, having dinner 619 00:34:53,425 --> 00:34:58,264 and I guess I was wearing my emotions on my faded glory sleeves and... 620 00:34:58,297 --> 00:35:00,166 Three of you are really fucking old 621 00:35:00,199 --> 00:35:03,001 if you laughed at that reference. Love that. 622 00:35:03,034 --> 00:35:05,571 Well, what a journey for us, you know. 623 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:11,009 So my mama, she says, "I need you to join me in the guest room," 624 00:35:11,042 --> 00:35:13,679 which is just Southern for "I'm about to whoop your ass." 625 00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:17,516 So I follow her into the guest room, 626 00:35:18,284 --> 00:35:19,751 I close the door, 627 00:35:19,785 --> 00:35:21,820 and when I turn around, 628 00:35:21,853 --> 00:35:26,392 she's standing there, holding this box wrapped in yellow wrapping paper. 629 00:35:27,559 --> 00:35:30,196 And before she would give it to me, she said, 630 00:35:30,196 --> 00:35:33,432 "Now, this might have to be our little secret. 631 00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:36,435 "I don't think a lot of people are gonna understand this. 632 00:35:36,468 --> 00:35:39,505 "But hopefully these will help you walk a little bit taller." 633 00:35:39,538 --> 00:35:41,307 -AUDIENCE: Aw! -I know. 634 00:35:41,340 --> 00:35:43,209 So I ripped it open. 635 00:35:43,209 --> 00:35:46,378 And there they were, my ruby slippers. 636 00:35:47,213 --> 00:35:50,716 -Oh, oh! - 637 00:35:53,852 --> 00:35:55,053 My family. 638 00:35:58,390 --> 00:36:01,827 I wish I could say I remember taking this photo, but it's all a blur to me. 639 00:36:04,230 --> 00:36:06,232 They're part of the witless protection program. 640 00:36:06,232 --> 00:36:09,768 Yeah, so I'm actually the... Look how cute I am down there. 641 00:36:10,969 --> 00:36:13,705 The youngest of four. 642 00:36:13,739 --> 00:36:15,807 My sister Stacy is the oldest of us 643 00:36:15,841 --> 00:36:20,412 by 10 years, almost to the day, and she is a Special Education 644 00:36:20,446 --> 00:36:24,583 fourth grade teacher from my mama's first marriage. 645 00:36:24,616 --> 00:36:28,420 Now, she's a teacher in Lake County, so... . 646 00:36:28,454 --> 00:36:30,422 Yeah, she can't spell spaghetti. 647 00:36:31,623 --> 00:36:32,624 This is a true story. 648 00:36:32,658 --> 00:36:34,493 We went to Ikea, 649 00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:37,763 we got those little containers that you can write on with the chalk, 650 00:36:37,796 --> 00:36:40,332 and I woke up one morning after we got them, 651 00:36:40,366 --> 00:36:43,469 that you could tell they had been erased like 12 times. 652 00:36:43,502 --> 00:36:47,306 It was spaghetti inside, and she had written on the front "string noodle." 653 00:36:48,874 --> 00:36:51,377 So good for Florida, you know. 654 00:36:52,478 --> 00:36:53,745 I have two brothers. 655 00:36:53,779 --> 00:36:59,885 Uh, there's John Justin, or JJ for short, and Richard the Third. 656 00:37:01,620 --> 00:37:03,589 My family is not fans of Shakespeare. 657 00:37:03,622 --> 00:37:06,725 They're just very unoriginal when it comes to naming children. 658 00:37:06,758 --> 00:37:09,295 They're both from my daddy's first marriage. 659 00:37:09,295 --> 00:37:13,832 I was the only fruit of their loom, 660 00:37:13,865 --> 00:37:17,569 so to speak, which you think, would automatically make me the favorite. 661 00:37:17,603 --> 00:37:20,839 But you would be wrong. 662 00:37:20,872 --> 00:37:23,942 See, my daddy had already had two boys at that point, 663 00:37:23,975 --> 00:37:28,414 and all he so desperately wanted was a little girl of his own. 664 00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:35,354 Be careful what you wish for. 665 00:37:36,955 --> 00:37:40,058 The Good Lord works in mysterious ways. 666 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,328 Oh, shit, that sounds like a pillow. Yeah. 667 00:37:46,565 --> 00:37:50,769 Oh, my dad! My dad is actually here tonight, everybody! 668 00:37:53,339 --> 00:37:54,440 Dad, 669 00:37:54,473 --> 00:37:55,474 come on, stand up. 670 00:37:56,975 --> 00:37:58,477 Dad, stand up. 671 00:37:59,678 --> 00:38:01,913 Oh, I guess he left, uh, 672 00:38:01,947 --> 00:38:04,015 he went to get some milk... 673 00:38:06,051 --> 00:38:07,052 when I was six, um... 674 00:38:09,888 --> 00:38:13,058 I do that at every show hoping one day he'll show up and love me. 675 00:38:13,091 --> 00:38:14,793 AUDIENCE: Aw. 676 00:38:14,826 --> 00:38:15,827 Fucking with you. 677 00:38:17,496 --> 00:38:19,631 My dad and I love each other. 678 00:38:19,665 --> 00:38:23,535 Well, love is a very strong word. 679 00:38:23,569 --> 00:38:26,171 Well, since he ain't here, let's talk some shit. Okay? 680 00:38:27,839 --> 00:38:32,177 My daddy actually left my mama two days after Christmas. 681 00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:35,013 For his high school girlfriend! 682 00:38:36,247 --> 00:38:40,051 Whom we lovingly refer to as the rat-faced bitch whore. 683 00:38:42,621 --> 00:38:47,225 It was just so expensive to get monogrammed every holiday, you know. 684 00:38:47,258 --> 00:38:48,860 Luckily, it didn't last long, 685 00:38:48,894 --> 00:38:51,763 because my daddy left her when he met and married 686 00:38:52,598 --> 00:38:55,501 my mama's best friend. 687 00:38:55,534 --> 00:38:58,570 And now the three of them are like thick as thieves. 688 00:38:58,604 --> 00:39:00,872 How's that for Southern, Michelle Visage? 689 00:39:02,408 --> 00:39:03,909 I mean, I know it sounds like 690 00:39:03,942 --> 00:39:06,578 the worst episode of Jerry Springe ever, 691 00:39:06,612 --> 00:39:10,849 but there's got to be a valuable life lesson in there somewhere, you know, like... 692 00:39:11,850 --> 00:39:14,119 Let go and let God. 693 00:39:14,152 --> 00:39:17,589 -Oh, yeah. Shit, that sounds like a pillow. That's nice. 694 00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:22,327 My dad was the type that didn't like the fact 695 00:39:22,428 --> 00:39:25,697 that I switched around too much, or I lisped when I talked. 696 00:39:25,731 --> 00:39:29,000 So he tried to toughen me up in his own misguided, macho way. 697 00:39:29,034 --> 00:39:32,337 He enrolled me in every sport you could think of. 698 00:39:32,438 --> 00:39:33,439 And I told him, I was like, 699 00:39:33,472 --> 00:39:35,841 "Dad, I'm totally into water sports, you know." 700 00:39:38,309 --> 00:39:40,612 He never got the hint, no. 701 00:39:40,646 --> 00:39:43,048 So instead, it was baseball, 702 00:39:43,081 --> 00:39:46,718 where I loved the uniforms, but I hated the game. 703 00:39:46,752 --> 00:39:50,121 Uh, basketball... which is just cruel 704 00:39:50,155 --> 00:39:55,026 for a short, fat, white kid that's not even five feet tall. 705 00:39:55,060 --> 00:39:58,964 Uh, race car driving, and soccer, pickleball. 706 00:39:58,997 --> 00:40:01,166 You name it, I was bad at it. 707 00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:04,670 Except football. 708 00:40:04,703 --> 00:40:08,339 Which, ironically, is the only sport that requires more padding than drag. 709 00:40:09,908 --> 00:40:11,877 My teammates loved me. 710 00:40:11,910 --> 00:40:14,379 Oh, God. Look at these shoulders, you know. 711 00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:16,882 I started that season as a tight end, 712 00:40:16,915 --> 00:40:18,984 and I finished as a wide receiver. 713 00:40:24,890 --> 00:40:26,224 Come to think of it, 714 00:40:26,257 --> 00:40:29,194 I was better with the players than I was at the game. 715 00:40:29,227 --> 00:40:30,896 You know, I learned at a very young age, 716 00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:32,330 if you can't run your legs, 717 00:40:32,363 --> 00:40:34,232 you better learn how to run your mouth. 718 00:40:35,233 --> 00:40:37,603 Luckily, I never got too hurt, 719 00:40:37,636 --> 00:40:39,237 except for my ego. 720 00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:42,407 But my mama, oh, she was the complete opposite. 721 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:47,746 She was a demure, laid-back, Southern, Christian, White lady. 722 00:40:47,779 --> 00:40:50,749 And she had a way of speaking that was all her own, like uh, 723 00:40:50,782 --> 00:40:55,353 she would refer to my sister Stacy as a free spirit, 724 00:40:55,386 --> 00:40:58,023 which turns out, is just Southern for slut. 725 00:40:59,791 --> 00:41:02,093 Or to my brothers as rough-housers, 726 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:05,163 which turns out, is Southern for assholes. 727 00:41:05,196 --> 00:41:08,166 And to my dad as "his own man", 728 00:41:08,199 --> 00:41:11,336 which is just Southern for "fucks anything that walks". 729 00:41:13,138 --> 00:41:16,174 And she, it is in her DNA as a Southern woman, 730 00:41:16,207 --> 00:41:17,976 to collect things. 731 00:41:18,009 --> 00:41:22,781 Like spoons and shot glasses from different places. 732 00:41:22,814 --> 00:41:24,716 Like, not towns that she's visited, 733 00:41:24,750 --> 00:41:27,018 just restaurants that she's stolen them from. 734 00:41:28,019 --> 00:41:31,056 Um, husbands, or... Oh, my God. 735 00:41:31,923 --> 00:41:34,192 Precious Moments figurines. 736 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,462 -Have you seen those? -AUDIENCE: Yeah. 737 00:41:37,563 --> 00:41:40,198 Those things look like anemic angels. 738 00:41:41,399 --> 00:41:43,468 Basically, they're what would happen 739 00:41:43,569 --> 00:41:45,737 if Beanie Babies went to confession. 740 00:41:47,573 --> 00:41:51,376 So I do not have room in my house for no damn haunted dolls. 741 00:41:51,409 --> 00:41:54,245 So I do not collect Precious Moments. 742 00:41:56,582 --> 00:42:00,586 I collect precious memories. Yeah. 743 00:42:00,586 --> 00:42:04,122 And my mama, oh, she's a big part of all of those for me. 744 00:42:04,155 --> 00:42:07,959 My favorite thing to do ever since I became "famous". 745 00:42:09,494 --> 00:42:11,897 I'd say fame-ish, really. 746 00:42:11,930 --> 00:42:13,131 My favorite thing to do is say, 747 00:42:13,164 --> 00:42:17,903 "Mama, put on your fanciest JCPenney dress, 748 00:42:17,936 --> 00:42:21,640 "and let me take you down to the fanciest restaurant in town." 749 00:42:21,673 --> 00:42:24,610 And then I'll watch her try to pronounce the words on the menu. 750 00:42:26,177 --> 00:42:30,248 Oh, some of my personal favorites are "cream burley". 751 00:42:34,185 --> 00:42:36,988 Or "filet migknown". 752 00:42:40,291 --> 00:42:44,162 Or my personal favorite, "ex car got". 753 00:42:47,999 --> 00:42:50,168 The waiter once tried to correct my mama, 754 00:42:50,201 --> 00:42:53,639 and she told him he could "ex car go" fuck himself. 755 00:42:55,506 --> 00:42:57,475 So we are no longer allowed at the Denny's. 756 00:42:59,544 --> 00:43:02,147 Which makes Christmas awkward for everyone. 757 00:43:03,649 --> 00:43:08,219 But I do have to tell you she is the Whitest woman I know. 758 00:43:08,253 --> 00:43:11,657 Mayonnaise is too spicy for her. 759 00:43:11,657 --> 00:43:14,359 She thought she was stepping outside of her comfort zone 760 00:43:14,392 --> 00:43:16,662 when she had a piece of German chocolate cake. 761 00:43:17,796 --> 00:43:20,098 But I give credit where credit is due. 762 00:43:20,131 --> 00:43:23,434 She finally leaped firmly into the 21st century this year 763 00:43:23,468 --> 00:43:26,404 when she got her very first iPhone. 764 00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:28,106 MAN: Whoa! 765 00:43:28,139 --> 00:43:30,575 Oh, you know where this is going. 766 00:43:30,676 --> 00:43:33,378 Oh, my God, she doesn't know how to use it. 767 00:43:33,411 --> 00:43:36,114 But she said it is totally worth the price, 768 00:43:36,147 --> 00:43:37,448 because it never breaks 769 00:43:37,482 --> 00:43:40,451 when she throws it against the wall in frustration. 770 00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:43,288 And my favorite thing is when she FaceTimes me. 771 00:43:43,321 --> 00:43:44,723 Do any of you have parents 772 00:43:44,756 --> 00:43:46,257 that don't know how to use an iPhone, 773 00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:47,859 that try to Facetime you? 774 00:43:47,893 --> 00:43:51,596 Oh, my God. It's like your own personal sequel to The Blair Witch Project. 775 00:43:53,164 --> 00:43:56,334 Including the shaky footage, the up-the-nose shot, 776 00:43:56,367 --> 00:43:57,535 not much of a plot. 777 00:43:59,170 --> 00:44:00,605 And the best part is, 778 00:44:00,706 --> 00:44:02,273 she doesn't know how to flip the camera 779 00:44:02,307 --> 00:44:03,809 by like, tapping the screen. 780 00:44:03,842 --> 00:44:09,080 So she has to take the phone, physically turn it around... 781 00:44:09,114 --> 00:44:12,818 And point it at what she's talking about. 782 00:44:12,851 --> 00:44:16,154 But she doesn't have very good aim. 783 00:44:16,187 --> 00:44:18,423 Which my father learned after their divorce. 784 00:44:20,191 --> 00:44:23,729 So instead of seeing like, the dog in a cute costume, 785 00:44:23,762 --> 00:44:25,731 all I can see is a long shot 786 00:44:25,764 --> 00:44:27,866 of my sister sweating to the oldies. 787 00:44:29,267 --> 00:44:30,568 She's not into exercise. 788 00:44:30,601 --> 00:44:32,237 She just has really old boyfriends. 789 00:44:33,872 --> 00:44:35,273 Yeah, so I just close my eyes 790 00:44:35,306 --> 00:44:37,308 and pray for it to be over as soon as possible. 791 00:44:39,577 --> 00:44:43,381 Can I get my inhaler, please? My asthma's acting up. 792 00:44:43,414 --> 00:44:45,650 Oh, my God. My asthma's awful, y'all. 793 00:44:51,556 --> 00:44:53,291 You know, when I was younger, 794 00:44:53,324 --> 00:44:56,895 my asthma was so bad, it kept me from chasing my dreams. 795 00:44:59,230 --> 00:45:00,598 'Cause I would get winded. 796 00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:05,470 First time I ever had sex, 797 00:45:05,503 --> 00:45:07,305 I thought this guy was making fun of me. 798 00:45:07,338 --> 00:45:09,274 He's behind me. He keeps saying, 799 00:45:09,307 --> 00:45:11,843 "Just breathe, just breathe." 800 00:45:13,078 --> 00:45:15,680 "I can't breathe, motherfucker. I've got asthma." 801 00:45:18,316 --> 00:45:19,584 I was in a gang once. 802 00:45:22,020 --> 00:45:23,288 Yeah. 803 00:45:23,321 --> 00:45:24,622 When I was younger... Oh, God. 804 00:45:24,655 --> 00:45:26,691 I got so jealous every year 805 00:45:26,792 --> 00:45:28,526 of all the kids that got to go to like, 806 00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:32,030 science camp, and theater camp, 807 00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,966 and any other sleepaway summer camp program. 808 00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,035 I mean, I was the campiest person in my town, 809 00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:39,537 and I was never allowed to go. 810 00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:43,809 I was even jealous of the kids that got to go to fat camp. 811 00:45:43,809 --> 00:45:45,710 I mean, they had to go away all summer long 812 00:45:45,811 --> 00:45:47,813 and have all these adventures, 813 00:45:47,813 --> 00:45:50,982 and then come back thinner, tanner. 814 00:45:51,016 --> 00:45:53,985 Just a hint of melanoma, you know. 815 00:45:54,019 --> 00:45:57,422 Seemed very exotic at the time. 816 00:45:57,455 --> 00:46:02,427 The only summer camp I got to go to was a free day camp, 817 00:46:02,460 --> 00:46:05,964 which catered to children with severe asthma. 818 00:46:05,997 --> 00:46:07,833 Oh, it was as fun as you can imagine. 819 00:46:08,834 --> 00:46:10,635 We did all the usual summer camp things, 820 00:46:10,668 --> 00:46:14,840 like swimming and playing ball and putting on little plays. 821 00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:17,843 In our case, it was more like dangling our feet in the pool 822 00:46:17,876 --> 00:46:20,145 and scratching our balls and reading plays. 823 00:46:21,512 --> 00:46:23,081 The only excitement we ever got 824 00:46:23,114 --> 00:46:26,084 was when our poorly vetted teenage counselors 825 00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:29,654 accidentally mixed up the bin of our rescue inhalers. 826 00:46:29,687 --> 00:46:32,858 Then we got to play a fun game called Get High or Die. 827 00:46:35,861 --> 00:46:36,862 I won. 828 00:46:38,864 --> 00:46:39,898 But we still miss Timmy. 829 00:46:42,868 --> 00:46:46,004 They called us the Boggy Creek Gang. 830 00:46:46,037 --> 00:46:49,040 Our gang sign was "Slow, Children At Play". 831 00:46:50,741 --> 00:46:52,510 So when I was growing up, 832 00:46:52,543 --> 00:46:54,880 the only other movie that came kind of close 833 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:57,715 to The Wizard of Oz for me was Showgirls. 834 00:47:00,718 --> 00:47:04,923 Y'all know the one. That 1993 hit, 835 00:47:04,956 --> 00:47:07,625 where Elizabeth Berkley from Saved by the Bell 836 00:47:07,658 --> 00:47:09,094 showed off everything. 837 00:47:09,127 --> 00:47:11,262 Except any real acting ability. 838 00:47:12,463 --> 00:47:16,201 Oh-ho! Watching her spastic performance in that movie 839 00:47:16,234 --> 00:47:21,739 "so excited, so excited." 840 00:47:21,772 --> 00:47:24,910 I mean, what gay boy didn't want to come bursting naked 841 00:47:24,943 --> 00:47:26,945 out of a paper mache volcano 842 00:47:26,978 --> 00:47:29,580 and an explosion of feathers and rhinestones? 843 00:47:30,281 --> 00:47:31,649 Oh, side note, 844 00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:35,120 I totally got disqualified from the school science fair that year 845 00:47:35,153 --> 00:47:36,988 for my big gay exploding volcano. 846 00:47:38,056 --> 00:47:40,491 Which sounds a lot dirtier than it was. 847 00:47:40,525 --> 00:47:42,127 Although it was really dirty. 848 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,129 Uh, come to think of it, it was the first time 849 00:47:44,162 --> 00:47:46,998 it took a whole crew to clean up one of my eruptions. So... 850 00:47:48,833 --> 00:47:50,101 Anyway, back to Showgirls. 851 00:47:53,738 --> 00:47:56,607 So if you think about it, Showgirls and The Wizard of Oz... 852 00:47:56,641 --> 00:47:58,843 practically the same movie. 853 00:48:00,011 --> 00:48:03,982 Orphan girl goes to this fabulous new land, 854 00:48:04,015 --> 00:48:06,952 kills the wickedest bitch in town, 855 00:48:06,952 --> 00:48:08,753 learns a valuable life lesson, 856 00:48:08,786 --> 00:48:11,389 and then returns home in a pair of designer clothing, 857 00:48:11,422 --> 00:48:14,960 never to have to deal with the consequences of her actions again. 858 00:48:16,294 --> 00:48:18,363 It sounded like a sweet deal to me. 859 00:48:18,396 --> 00:48:20,031 And that movie made me want to become 860 00:48:20,065 --> 00:48:23,334 a Las Vegas showgirl so bad. 861 00:48:23,368 --> 00:48:25,870 But it was before I knew what drag was. 862 00:48:25,971 --> 00:48:27,205 You know, it wasn't till later, 863 00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:29,607 when I learned from icons and legends 864 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,243 like RuPaul and Divine 865 00:48:32,277 --> 00:48:34,012 that you could put a wig on 866 00:48:34,045 --> 00:48:35,981 and trick people into giving you money. 867 00:48:37,882 --> 00:48:40,118 P.S. Thank you for the money. 868 00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,255 But before I learned that valuable life lesson, 869 00:48:44,289 --> 00:48:46,791 oh, I had every kind of job you could imagine. 870 00:48:47,792 --> 00:48:49,760 -Blowjobs. - 871 00:48:49,794 --> 00:48:52,130 Hand jobs, rim jobs. 872 00:48:52,163 --> 00:48:55,766 Ugh, I was a terrible sex worker. 873 00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:59,037 I gave away way too many free samples. 874 00:48:59,070 --> 00:49:02,407 So then I became a waiter, and a substitute teacher, 875 00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:05,043 a bachelorette party planner. 876 00:49:05,076 --> 00:49:08,313 -A Tupperware representative. - 877 00:49:08,346 --> 00:49:11,882 And, by the way, it is not a pyramid scheme. 878 00:49:13,484 --> 00:49:18,223 It is a triangle-shaped opportunity... 879 00:49:19,357 --> 00:49:21,226 for you to get your friends involved. 880 00:49:21,259 --> 00:49:22,793 And for them to get their friends... 881 00:49:22,827 --> 00:49:25,796 Okay, yes, it is a pyramid scheme. 882 00:49:25,830 --> 00:49:28,066 But it took me a long time to learn that. 883 00:49:28,099 --> 00:49:29,200 So a couple months later, 884 00:49:29,234 --> 00:49:32,037 I was friendless and completely bankrupt, 885 00:49:32,037 --> 00:49:34,039 both morally and financially, 886 00:49:34,039 --> 00:49:36,041 and all I had to show for it 887 00:49:36,041 --> 00:49:39,477 was a a hoarder's house full of 14 ounce dishes 888 00:49:39,510 --> 00:49:43,781 that burped more than my mom trying to eat a spicy "brew cheddar." 889 00:49:48,253 --> 00:49:52,390 So then, I got a job at a mental health facility... 890 00:49:52,423 --> 00:49:55,860 that I would later become a patient of. 891 00:49:55,893 --> 00:49:58,296 That was more of the state's choice than mine. 892 00:49:59,197 --> 00:50:00,531 I swear, you try to re-enact 893 00:50:00,565 --> 00:50:04,035 Thelma & Louise one time while your boss is in the car, 894 00:50:04,069 --> 00:50:06,404 and suddenly you're a threat to yourself and everyone else. 895 00:50:08,106 --> 00:50:10,775 Some people have no sense of humor. 896 00:50:10,808 --> 00:50:13,111 Now I knew that if I was ever going to reach 897 00:50:13,144 --> 00:50:15,913 the glittery volcanoes of my dreams, 898 00:50:15,946 --> 00:50:18,183 I needed to get out of Leesburg to do it. 899 00:50:18,216 --> 00:50:22,053 So on my 18th birthday, I sold everything I had. 900 00:50:22,087 --> 00:50:24,255 I put all the money in my man purse, 901 00:50:24,289 --> 00:50:27,558 and I headed straight for "The Big Apple." 902 00:50:27,592 --> 00:50:29,360 Which turns out, is New York City. 903 00:50:29,394 --> 00:50:30,428 Did you know that? 904 00:50:32,897 --> 00:50:34,299 I didn't, I didn't. 905 00:50:34,332 --> 00:50:36,401 I probably would have gone straight to Las Vegas 906 00:50:36,434 --> 00:50:38,203 if JetBlue had had a direct flight. 907 00:50:38,236 --> 00:50:43,608 But I landed here in Manhattan, and then I immediately panicked, 908 00:50:43,641 --> 00:50:48,113 because I did not have a place to live, or a plan, 909 00:50:48,146 --> 00:50:52,450 or for the first time in a very long time, a job. Yeah. 910 00:50:52,483 --> 00:50:55,320 So I took every bit of work that came my way. 911 00:50:55,353 --> 00:50:58,623 I, uh... Oh, I was a... 912 00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:04,395 "a specialty saleswoman" 913 00:51:04,429 --> 00:51:09,634 at a "pop up boutique" in Times Square, 914 00:51:09,667 --> 00:51:14,305 which turns out, was just a "folding table" 915 00:51:14,339 --> 00:51:16,174 on the corner of 46th and Broadway 916 00:51:16,207 --> 00:51:18,042 with "I heart New York" T-shirts. 917 00:51:18,143 --> 00:51:21,146 I was a sous chef at Cookin', 918 00:51:21,179 --> 00:51:24,382 which is just stomp with food, you know. 919 00:51:24,415 --> 00:51:26,217 Yeah, no hot dogs, though. 920 00:51:26,251 --> 00:51:27,652 They probably would have been a hit 921 00:51:27,685 --> 00:51:29,320 if they had added hot dogs. 922 00:51:29,354 --> 00:51:34,159 Uh, I was... Oh, I got a job working for 923 00:51:34,159 --> 00:51:36,727 Beauty and the Beast on Broadway. 924 00:51:38,596 --> 00:51:41,632 Selling merchandise in the lobby. 925 00:51:42,433 --> 00:51:44,235 Okay. Yeah. 926 00:51:44,269 --> 00:51:47,672 I'll admit that hawking overpriced plastic roses was not my calling, 927 00:51:47,705 --> 00:51:50,341 but I only had to do that shit at night. 928 00:51:50,375 --> 00:51:54,078 So my days were free for me to try to find my big break. 929 00:51:54,179 --> 00:51:55,213 Mm-hmm. 930 00:51:55,246 --> 00:51:59,016 So one day, I came across this audition notice. 931 00:51:59,049 --> 00:52:00,451 And then after I wiped it off... 932 00:52:03,654 --> 00:52:06,191 I saw that it was for a brand new play 933 00:52:06,224 --> 00:52:10,094 called Boys, Boys, Boys. And I like the title. 934 00:52:10,195 --> 00:52:11,762 It said they were looking for eight men 935 00:52:11,796 --> 00:52:13,364 willing to go completely naked. 936 00:52:14,199 --> 00:52:16,334 Or two drag queens. 937 00:52:16,367 --> 00:52:19,637 Now, I was thinner than I am, but fatter than I was. 938 00:52:19,670 --> 00:52:22,773 So I knew that nudity was off the table for me. 939 00:52:22,807 --> 00:52:26,544 And I thought, "Drag can't be that difficult, right?" 940 00:52:26,577 --> 00:52:30,515 So I borrowed this fried Dora the Explorer looking wig, 941 00:52:30,548 --> 00:52:32,483 and I slathered my face 942 00:52:32,517 --> 00:52:36,354 in the finest Duane Reade cosmetics I could get. 943 00:52:36,387 --> 00:52:37,788 Come to think of it, I looked more like 944 00:52:37,822 --> 00:52:41,292 a cracked out Carnie Wilson than anything else. 945 00:52:41,326 --> 00:52:44,729 You know, like after somebody had already asked her "to hold on for one more day." 946 00:52:47,898 --> 00:52:49,367 But I went to that audition. 947 00:52:50,235 --> 00:52:51,869 And I got that job. 948 00:52:53,738 --> 00:52:55,340 Uh-huh. 949 00:52:57,575 --> 00:53:01,512 And it propelled me straight to the Z-list. 950 00:53:01,546 --> 00:53:04,615 And it's wonderful. This time, there were plenty of hot dogs 951 00:53:04,649 --> 00:53:07,518 raining down from the sky, smacking me in the face. 952 00:53:08,486 --> 00:53:10,355 And they tasted like success. 953 00:53:11,622 --> 00:53:12,857 And a little bit like shit. 954 00:53:14,459 --> 00:53:16,794 But since then, I've traveled the world. 955 00:53:16,827 --> 00:53:19,497 I've done movies and television. 956 00:53:20,531 --> 00:53:22,900 This standup comedy special! 957 00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:31,409 Actually, a few months ago, I even got to make my dream 958 00:53:31,442 --> 00:53:34,912 of becoming a Las Vegas showgirl a reality! 959 00:53:40,318 --> 00:53:43,621 In all fairness, I did end up looking more like the volcano 960 00:53:43,654 --> 00:53:45,823 than the diva coming out of it. 961 00:53:45,856 --> 00:53:47,658 But who was Dorothy 962 00:53:47,692 --> 00:53:50,828 without the house that brought her to Oz, you know? 963 00:53:50,861 --> 00:53:51,996 You know, all in all, 964 00:53:52,029 --> 00:53:56,667 it has been a really tough road up-hoe, so to speak. 965 00:53:56,701 --> 00:54:01,205 But I've learned that you have to appreciate the present, 966 00:54:01,306 --> 00:54:03,341 look towards the future, 967 00:54:03,374 --> 00:54:04,709 and never look back. 968 00:54:05,776 --> 00:54:07,345 Which is easy if you don't have a neck 969 00:54:07,378 --> 00:54:08,913 and your head won't turn that way. 970 00:54:10,481 --> 00:54:12,917 In my life, 971 00:54:12,950 --> 00:54:16,887 I have always managed to kind of stumble into things 972 00:54:16,921 --> 00:54:20,525 that just kind of happen to work out in the end, 973 00:54:20,558 --> 00:54:22,627 and I think that that's because 974 00:54:22,660 --> 00:54:25,930 I've never closed myself off to any opportunity. 975 00:54:25,963 --> 00:54:27,932 And that's because my grandmother always had a saying 976 00:54:27,965 --> 00:54:29,334 when I was growing up. 977 00:54:29,334 --> 00:54:32,770 She said, "You gotta throw everything up against the wall 978 00:54:32,803 --> 00:54:34,439 "to see what sticks, 979 00:54:34,472 --> 00:54:37,575 "because you never know what you're going to be good at." 980 00:54:37,608 --> 00:54:39,444 Oh, shit! That sounds like another pillow. 981 00:54:39,477 --> 00:54:40,811 - 982 00:54:40,845 --> 00:54:41,846 Oh! 983 00:54:42,747 --> 00:54:44,615 It sounds like a song, too. 984 00:54:47,985 --> 00:54:50,054 You can clap if you want. 985 00:54:50,087 --> 00:54:53,591 * There's as many trees In the woods 986 00:54:55,092 --> 00:54:58,829 * As jobs that I would take If I could 987 00:55:00,865 --> 00:55:04,034 * I'm not saying I'm qualified 988 00:55:05,703 --> 00:55:08,906 * But I'll be damned If I ain't gonna try 989 00:55:08,939 --> 00:55:11,141 * I've never heard of it 990 00:55:11,175 --> 00:55:14,044 * But I'll Figure it out later 991 00:55:14,078 --> 00:55:16,681 * Might not be an expert 992 00:55:16,714 --> 00:55:19,717 * But I'm not a faker 993 00:55:19,750 --> 00:55:22,753 * If they say they want A dominatrix 994 00:55:22,787 --> 00:55:25,222 * Then I'm going to learn To crack that whip 995 00:55:25,255 --> 00:55:28,225 * If they say They need a diner waitress 996 00:55:28,258 --> 00:55:30,895 * Then you're gonna watch me Earn that tip 997 00:55:30,928 --> 00:55:33,998 * 'Cause I get through life With an open mind 998 00:55:34,031 --> 00:55:36,434 * 'Cause who knows If it fits 999 00:55:36,467 --> 00:55:40,204 * I throw it up Against the wall To see what sticks 1000 00:55:40,237 --> 00:55:42,773 Two and the four, white people, two and the four. 1001 00:55:42,807 --> 00:55:43,908 There you go. 1002 00:55:44,875 --> 00:55:47,978 * All that money There in the jar 1003 00:55:49,113 --> 00:55:50,247 WOMAN: Woo! 1004 00:55:50,280 --> 00:55:53,217 * I earned when I was younger Racing cars 1005 00:55:55,085 --> 00:55:58,789 * And that check Inside that white envelope 1006 00:56:00,625 --> 00:56:03,661 * I got from Thumping cantaloupes. 1007 00:56:03,694 --> 00:56:05,996 * I've never heard of it 1008 00:56:06,030 --> 00:56:08,666 * But I'll figure it out later 1009 00:56:08,699 --> 00:56:11,335 * Oh, might not be an expert 1010 00:56:11,436 --> 00:56:14,672 * But I'm not a faker 1011 00:56:14,705 --> 00:56:17,808 * If they need someone To drive a pontoon 1012 00:56:17,842 --> 00:56:20,044 * Then I'm gonna learn To back it up 1013 00:56:20,077 --> 00:56:22,880 * If they say I need To sell a vacuum 1014 00:56:22,913 --> 00:56:25,850 * Then I'm gonna show 'em I don't suck 1015 00:56:25,883 --> 00:56:28,719 * 'Cause I get through life With an open mind 1016 00:56:28,753 --> 00:56:31,188 * 'Cause who knows If it fits 1017 00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,323 * I throw it up Against the wall 1018 00:56:33,357 --> 00:56:34,859 * To see what sticks 1019 00:56:38,262 --> 00:56:39,329 Breakdown. 1020 00:56:39,363 --> 00:56:41,966 * I've never heard of it 1021 00:56:41,999 --> 00:56:45,069 * But I'll figure it out later 1022 00:56:45,102 --> 00:56:50,240 * Even if that means I wrestle a gator 1023 00:56:52,109 --> 00:56:54,879 * If I'm making honey in Atlanta 1024 00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:57,214 * I'mma do it better Than the bees 1025 00:56:57,247 --> 00:57:00,217 * If I'm movin' Tupperware in Tampa 1026 00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:03,187 * Then I'm gonna sell like QVC 1027 00:57:03,220 --> 00:57:06,323 * 'Cause I get through life With an open mind 1028 00:57:06,356 --> 00:57:08,392 * 'Cause who knows if it fits 1029 00:57:08,493 --> 00:57:10,828 * I throw it up Against the wall 1030 00:57:10,861 --> 00:57:12,196 * To see what sticks 1031 00:57:15,265 --> 00:57:16,501 Big finish! 1032 00:57:16,501 --> 00:57:18,969 * I throw it up Against the wall 1033 00:57:19,003 --> 00:57:20,404 * To see what sticks 1034 00:57:20,505 --> 00:57:22,139 Thank you and goodnight!