What started out as a soy milk recall one week ago
has ballooned into a full-scale outbreak
across the greater Los Angeles area.
The CDC has now confirmed a link between the outbreak
and a deadly contamination
at the Agnes Brand Milk Factory in San Bernardino.
This quiet, upscale Hollywood neighborhood
where soy milk flows like water has become
the epicenter of this unfortunate crisis.
Since the outbreak, several Angelenos have become
infected with the Agnes virus,
while others have sought refuge indoors.
Pardon me, sir. Ted Sommers, Channel 11 News.
How are you doing? Are you okay?
Oh, shit. Channel 11 News.
Love you guys. Love your work.
Do you feel safe out here
riding your bike on these streets alone?
No, Ted.
This is a fucking BMX bike, so I'm not afraid.
But I-- I gotta go check on my boy,
-so I'll catch you later. -Wait, sir.
Can I trouble you for just a few more questions?
I really gotta check on my boy, Ted.
Understood. Be safe.
This is Ted Sommers in the Hollywood Hills.
Back to you, Sissy.
James!
Open up!
It's Bruce!
Hey.
You need to check on your homie.
Hey, Miss Jones.
I think it's something with-- with Emily. I--
Yeah, I don't know, Miss Jones.
Why don't you just call me "Beverly"?
Okay, Beverly.
You know, you should probably get out of town with everything.
What, what?
I said you should probably get out of town with everything
that's going on, you know, while you still can.
Are you kidding me?
Shoot, I've got that cable TV man coming today.
Well, I-- I guess you could just like,
I don't know, reschedule?
No, fuck no.
That flip-flop-wearing motherfucker,
he kept me on hold for three and a half hours.
And then you know what he did when he came back?
-No, what'd he do? -He hung up on me.
-Oh, I hate that. -Uh-huh, yeah.
No, I ain't, I-- I am not canceling that appointment.
No, I guess I wouldn't either.
You need to talk to your boy, okay?
I think there's something really, really wrong with him.
Beverly, thank you.
- Yeah. - I will.
You can call me "Bevy".
- Oh, Bevy. - Bevy.
- All right, bye-bye. - Okay, all right.
-Hey. -Dude, what the hell?
I've been trying to get a hold of you for days.
Sorry, I've been trying to finish this new book
for my publisher, and I've got like writer's block.
It's been a whole thing.
Bullshit.
I know what this is.
You're still depressed about Emily, aren't you?
Yep, I fucking knew it.
Come on, man.
What's it been like six months since you guys got divorced?
Five months and three days.
And we just broke up. We didn't get divorced.
Whatever, okay?
We have bigger issues to worry about,
like the fucking world ending.
-What are you talking about? -What?
You're joking right now.
No.
You don't know about the virus in L.A.
that's mutating people's DNA?
A virus?
How is it mutating DNA?
What do I look like, a fucking scientist?
All I know is people all across L.A.
are turning into zombies after drinking this soy milk,
like straight-up flesh-eating zombies.
You're serious right now?
Dead serious.
Some symptoms, I'm told,
include headache, diarrhea, runny nose, vomiting.
And it's happening, because of soy milk.
Well, not just any soy milk.
Agnes Brand Soy Milk, which was my favorite,
so now I have like a whole new
set of problems for me personally.
Like I tried putting regular milk on my cereal,
and I started shitting my fucking brains out.
Apparently, I'm lactose intolerant.
Who knew?
Okay, yes, very good. You had me going.
That was, uh, that was well done.
Very, very imaginative. Very funny.
What are you laughing at?
You went too far with that
I'm lactose intolerant now thing.
Still, very funny. No notes.
James, this is not a fucking joke.
Look.
Oh, oh, oh, dear mother of God.
Um, okay, we are witnessing an attack here.
Are you getting this, Rick?
Um, it appears that a jogger is being attacked by a gardener,
I think. Um...
That guy is being eaten.
And it looks like they might be heading our way,
so we're going to sign off here.
Get me, get me, get me.
Ted Sommers signing off from the Hollywood Hills.
Oh, fuck.
Ain't your normal Tuesday, is it?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
What's now being described as the Agnes virus
has deeply impacted Los Angeles residents.
In response to the allegations,
the Agnes Milk Company has recalled 5,000 quarts
of their well-known beverage.
Dude, you mean to tell me the
entire time you've been holed up here,
you haven't once turned on the news?
The news?
Yes, James, the news.
It's something you watch on TV that isn't Star Wars
or Blade Runner.
Right, right, okay, thank you, Bruce.
-I know what the news is. -That's great.
Congratulations. I'm very happy for you.
So what the fuck have you been doing?
Honestly, I've just been keeping super, super busy.
Busy doing what?
Watching Star Wars and Blade Runner.
-And also THX. -Right.
And The Postman.
In fact, I was actually just about to put Waterworld on,
if you want to watch that.
James, we do not have time to watch Waterworld right now.
We need to get the hell out of here.
Away from the zombies to a place with clean milk.
And I hear that Seattle has great milk alternatives,
like carob milk and hemp milk.
Hemp milk? How-- how does that even work?
How do you make that?
I don't know, but it sounds fucking bomb.
Here, drink this.
Uh, what is it?
That, my friend, is a prairie oyster.
James Bond drinks them. It'll cure your hangover.
What's in this?
Just drink it, okay? Will you?
Please, we have to get the hell out of here.
If we don't leave soon, we may never make it out of L.A.
I'm just not so sure I want to make it out of L.A.
Like I-- I'm really behind on my novel
and I feel like I'd rather just stay here and work on it.
James, you're not gonna finish your book if you're dead.
Don't be stupid.
Besides, you're never gonna write anything as good
as that one you did about trains and...
-Trains in Space. -Yes, that one.
That was good. That was so good, I almost finished it.
Oh my God. High praise, Bruce.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
Bottoms up.
Attaboy.
-Oh shit, dude. -What?
You have a bottled Agnes Soy Milk in here.
Okay. Oh, that's the bad one.
Yes, that's the bad one.
- Whoa. - I'm not touching that thing.
Yeah, I mean, just leave it.
Well, I guess we are sort of leaving.
Okay, so quick Waterworld, then we'll get out of here?
No, dude, we got to go.
Come on.
She hasn't called.
Because it's over.
Forget her. She's history.
Here.
Put these on.
I just feel like I should call her, right?
Like just make sure everything's okay.
I-- I feel like I should.
No, dude. No. I totally disagree.
Okay, Emily is a smart girl. She'll be fine.
And-- and even if she isn't, who cares?
Move on.
Zei gezunt, as my Uncle Bernie would say.
Seattle has everything.
You will find a new Emily in Seattle, I promise.
Yeah, I'm just gonna call her. I'm just gonna
-make a quick call. -No, dude. Do not call her.
Come on, man. I'm trying to save your life right now,
and you're literally fucking killing me here.
What is that?
No, this-- this is just a box.
It doesn't look like just a box.
-It's my Emily memory box. -You're what?
It's an Emily memory box. It's not weird.
-Oh, dude. That's disgusting. -No, no, no.
We need to throw that out now.
-No. -Yes.
We do not need to throw it out.
This is essential stuff. I can't just part with this.
Essential? Is that what I think it is?
Is that a Seal CD?
Yes.
Wow. I guess I never took Emily as a Seal fan.
You know, you really shouldn't make assumptions.
-Hmm. -What if it's my Seal CD?
-Oh, that's your Seal CD. Right. -Yeah, yeah, it is.
I guess I didn't think about that.
Name one Seal song, dude.
-Fine. That's like-- -One.
-No, that's easy. -Fine. Cool. Do it.
The Batman Forever theme.
-Fuck. That is one. -That counts.
-You gotta count that. -You got it, you said it.
So, I guess end of conversation.
Don't even-- Don't you dare!
-No. No, don't do that. -Give me that.
-Yes. -No, dude.
We are burning this thing right now.
-We are not burning that. -Yes, we are.
-No, we are not. -We are burning it.
Yes, because you need to move on with your life.
No, I'm not gonna burn this.
No. No.
Okay. Okay.
Alright. Won't burn it. We'll bury it.
It'll be the worst time capsule in history of humankind.
You're right. Okay.
I'll get rid of it.
I just, I have to do it on my own. Okay?
But I'll do it. I promise.
Pinky swear?
Pinky swear.
Alright, dude.
We gotta get the fuck out of here or we're gonna die.
So, let's uh, pack our shit.
Let's go. First thing I'm doing is getting you
a Seattle flannel.
- Nice. - You ready for this?
-Oh, yeah. -Let's do it, man.
Ooh, wait.
What now, man?
Who's gonna take care of Charles?
Let's do it, man.
but your goldfish might not survive the zombie apocalypse.
Emily won him for me at the Malibu Chili Cook-Off.
Right. Right. That's cool.
But still, we're not bringing a goldfish with us.
It'll get everything wet.
There'll be water everywhere.
Oh. No, dude. You-- you don't get it.
It's not just about Charles. It's this whole place.
I mean, this house, man.
Like I've made so many great memories here.
I've had all my greatest successes and failures here.
What, I'm just gonna leave it all behind?
Yeah. Otherwise, you're gonna die in it.
-So... -Yeah, well,
maybe that wouldn't be the worst thing.
Jesus Christ, James.
Listen to yourself.
All right?
I rode all the way here on my BMX bike, because--
You don't have a car.
Yes, but also because you're my best friend.
And you're not really acting like my best friend right now.
So you're acting kind of selfish,
and crazy, and kind of dumb.
So will you pull it together, man?
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm being-- I'm being a bad friend.
-Yeah. A little bit. -Should we like,
I don't know, hug or something?
Yeah, I guess. If you want.
-All right. -Yeah. No, that was weird.
-Didn't feel natural. -Didn't feel right.
All right. Yeah, let's uh-- let's go.
Yeah, let's do it. All right. Cool.
Okay.
Hey. See you, buddy.
You're a good fish.
Goodbye, old friend.
Oh my God, dude.
Car fucking stinks.
All right. Seatbelts on.
Dude, I cannot wait to hit the open road.
Going fricking 90 miles an hour, no seatbelts on.
That's the downside of a BMX bike.
You only go like, 30, 35 tops.
You're going 35 on a BMX?
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
Fuck, Eldridge Street, Highland Park.
Well, wouldn't that be like really embarrassing
if that's how I died, during this whole thing,
-on my bike? -Yeah, I mean,
you really should be more careful on that thing.
Are you serious? What are you-- what are you, my mother?
Well, need I remind you about Johnny Willis?
Oh my God.
You're really going to bring up that fucking loser
-right now? -Yes, I am bringing him up,
because when Johnny rode away from school that one day,
he had no idea what was gonna happen to him.
And what happened to him, Bruce?
Lost his nuts.
- He what? - He lost his nuts.
He lost his nuts. And how did he lose his nuts?
Can you-- can you just fucking drive?
- No, I'm not gonna go. - I need to hear you say it.
He flipped over the side of his bike
and got his nuts caught in the chain.
-Are you happy? -That's right.
And you want to be like Johnny Willis?
Yeah, I want to end up like Johnny Willis.
Really? You want to have no nuts?
You want to have Styrofoam nuts?
Okay, no, I guess not. Can you just fucking drive?
Okay, all right, all right, great.
I needed to hear you say it.
-Thank you. -Good. You're happy? Drive.
-Huh, that's weird. -What? What's going on now?
It says I'm empty.
There's a hose coming out of my gas tank.
What? Oh, fuck!
Someone probably siphoned the gas.
Why would someone do that?
'Cause gas is like $2 a gallon right now,
and everybody and their mother's trying
to get out of town.
All right, well, dang.
I guess we have to stay here after all.
No, no, we-- we just got to think
of a better option.
There's-- there's got to be something.
Okay, I got-- I got an idea.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We ride my bike to the nearest station.
You could sit on the handlebars.
Want me to sit on your handlebars?
- Yes. - What, 10 years old?
No, I'm not doing that.
Dude, you're gonna really make me ride by myself?
- Yeah. - You were fine coming here.
You'll be fine going there.
Holy shit!
You sure about that?
Okay, maybe you won't be fine.
Uh, is that guy blind?
He is. I mean, he can't even see us.
I mean, it's a seeing-eye dog. Isn't that their whole job?
Yeah, but the dog's not a zombie.
I don't know how scared we should be.
Okay, change of plans. I think you're right.
-We should go back inside. -Yeah, okay.
On the count of three. One...
-Why do we count, just run. -Yep, yep, yep.
- Go, go! - Go, go, go, go!
Oh my God, dude. I've not moved that fast in so long.
I know. I'm burning up right now.
I'm so out of shape, dude.
God, do-- do you think that's gonna hold?
- Honestly? - Yeah.
I have no idea.
No, I don't know either.
I'm just totally out of my depth right now.
I have no idea.
Completely flying by the seat of my fucking pants right now.
If Dawn of the Dead or Night of the Living Dead
or any of the deads have taught me anything,
it's that if you want to stay alive,
you have to stay put.
Now that Seattle's out of the question,
I think you're right.
Damn it!
Maybe they come up with a cure?
Yeah, maybe. Or...
maybe they just hit the big red button on us.
No.
Yeah.
You think they'd really do that?
That's what I would do.
It's dark.
I'm really dark, dude.
So...
-Waterworld? -Waterworld?
-It's only right. -Wow.
Okay, but I say we gotta-- let's rest for...
-Like an hour? -About an hour.
Yep.
Bro, with all that gelt you made on your last book deal,
couldn't you have gotten like a newer TV?
I-- I could have, but I hate change, so...
Oh!
Yes!
Well, dude!
Oh! Oh! Mm!
-Boom! -Oh.
Brownie!
Wow, that is--
That's a lot of brownies.
One, you can never have enough pot brownies.
And two,
you can never have enough pot brownies.
Ah, yeah.
Who knew how essential home video would be
in a time like this?
I did.
Wait, wait, pause it. Pause it.
What? What?
The run time is two hours and 15 minutes.
-Mm-hmm, yeah, it's perfect. -Could be longer.
Yeah, I can stand it to be a little longer.
-Me too. -How much longer?
Maybe, like...
-Nine hours? -That would be cool.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.
But these chips aren't gonna last us half this movie.
Okay, so what are you saying?
Delivery.
What?
No restaurants are gonna be open right now,
and even if one of them was, no-- no one's gonna deliver.
Dude, in this economy,
there's always something open and always someone to deliver.
Trust.
Yellow pages, please.
Okay, yeah, it's over there.
-Give me a nudge, please. -Oh my God, you got this, dude.
-There it is. -Yeah.
-Phone. -It's right here.
Okay.
So we're gonna agree on a good place, then?
-That's the idea. -Okay, great.
Oh-ho-ho!
Here's one right here.
Abracadabra.
It's open 24 hours.
It's a wings and kebab joint.
Yeah, but wings and kebab.
I mean, we can do better.
Dude, we're in a zombie apocalypse right now.
We cannot afford to be picky here.
You just said that we were gonna agree.
You know, fine, just call 'em. I don't care. Just call 'em.
-Yeah? -Yes.
-Call 'em? -Yes, that's the one.
All right, here it is.
-5-5-5. -Uh-huh.
-5-5. -No.
-5-5. -Wow.
Whoa, that's cool.
They got 'em all.
Abracadabra, this is Nancy.
How may I help you?
Wait, you guys are open? Sick!
Unfortunately, we're the only idiots
open during a zombie apocalypse.
Okay, fine, fine.
Um, so, uh, what's up?
You guys still deliver?
Uh-huh. Yeah, we are. - What can I get you?
Uh, question.
Do you guys do the wings without the kebabs
or is it like, a package deal sitch?
Great question.
You can order wings, whatever tickles your fancy, sweetheart.
Awesome. Uh, let's do, uh, 50-piece?
50-piece. - No.
We're gonna be here for a while.
We better make that a 100.
100-piece-- - Oh, lots of ranch.
Lots of ranch.
Extra ranch, got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you, uh--
Where's all this going, sweety?
Oh, you need my address? Right. Uh, uh--
If you want the food, I need the address.
-What is it? -6-1-8-6.
6-1-8-6 Wildfire Lane.
Okay, give us about an hour.
Yep.
-Hell yeah. -Okay. All right.
Awesome.
Dude, there's never been a great movie
without Jeanne Tripplehorn.
No, if you want a hit, you gotta have her in it.
You know, I've probably seen this movie 500 times
since it came out, and I'm just gonna say it.
This one's gonna stand the test of time.
The greatest movie of all time.
It gets better every single time.
A lot of people say that Costner's best work
is Field of Dreams or Dances with the Wolves--
Hmm, uh-huh.
Or what's the other one?
-Untouchables. -Untouchables.
I know that. I knew that.
Yeah, well, it's Dances with Wolves.
- That's what I said. - You said Dances with Wolves
- and then you said The Wolves. - Whatever, dude.
Look, I'm just trying to tell you.
I'm just saying I--
If you're a real Costner head, then you gotta know the names.
Of course I know Costner,
but this movie right here is the peak Costner.
-Yeah. -This is it for me.
Yeah, I completely agree with you, 100%.
I mean, this is who Kevin Costner really is.
-In real life. -Yeah, it's basically,
as-- as far as I understand it, this is all true.
100% true story.
This is a biography about Kevin Costner.
Do you think if they do hit the big red button that
it'll be like Terminator?
Dude, you mean like in Sarah Connor's nightmare
when her flesh gets blasted off her skeleton?
Yes.
I hope not. That scene scared the shit out of me.
No, it was the worst thing I've ever seen.
Seriously? Is the food here already?
Okay, dude, you stay put.
-I'm gonna get this. -Wow, what a nice guy.
My treat. I mean, not like--
Oh, yeah, you probably-- do you need money?
Dude, I haven't had a job in like ever.
-Of course, I need cash. -Oh, yeah, yeah,
I don't know why I asked that.
-Uh, there you go. -Give me, give me, give me.
No, no, I gave you too much.
No, that's good. That should be good.
- Are you-- all right. - Yeah.
Yo!
Well, look who it is.
-Shmemily. -Hi, Bruce.
I wasn't expecting to see you here.
Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
What do you want?
I just stopped to talk to James. Is he here?
James, James, do I know--
Oh, right, James.
Yeah, no, unfortunately, James is no longer with us.
Did something happen?
- Did he-- - Everything good?
Yeah, dude. Chicken wings, coming right up.
Chicken wings?
Yeah, chicken wings.
All right, Emily, you got me.
James is alive. He's in the other room.
But I just-- I don't think now is a good time, you know?
-The breakup was one thing-- -Shut up, Bruce. I'm coming in.
All right, yeah, just come right in.
Hi.
-Hi. -Uh, you wanna have a seat?
Yeah.
I know this probably isn't good timing,
but I'm about to leave town with my girlfriends.
Sorry.
I guess I wanted to make sure you're okay.
I'm not trying to get back together
or anything.
I just wanted to say bye.
You know, in case anything happens.
Yeah, I wanted to call you this morning
for the same reason.
Really?
Yeah.
Wait, so where are you ladies headed?
We're going to Seattle.
Seattle?
No shit!
That-- that's where we were supposed to go.
Yeah, it seems like everyone's going there.
-I guess it's the place to be. -We already be on our way,
but we're having a little car trouble.
Someone sucked the gas straight out of James' tank,
so now we're stuck here, hoping not to die.
But wait a sec, wait a sec.
James, what if-- what if we went with them
to Seattle, hmm?
Oh, I-- I don't know.
I wouldn't want to impose.
I mean, is there even any room for us?
It would be tight,
but I guess I could ask my friends.
One of them could totally sit on my lap if that helps.
What? Just saying.
Oh, shit!
-Oh my God. -Oh my God.
That's not good.
Oh my God.
- We need to do something. - Oh man.
They just came out of nowhere.
We gotta help them.
Oh my God.
I'm not doing anything.
They're gone, they're already gone.
- They can drive? - Apparently.
I had all these plans for when we got to Seattle.
I was gonna start an animal rescue.
Tasha was gonna start a band and get signed by Sub-Pop.
Sam wanted to open a cafe for computers where you could
surf the web.
That would have been really cool.
I feel like this is all my fault.
I'm so stupid.
I should have never asked to stop at my ex-boyfriend's.
-So dumb. -No, no, don't blame yourself.
I would have done the exact same thing in your position.
So, you were close?
Yeah, they were my best friends.
Look, I don't know if this helps, but,
I have known some people who have died before.
Not in the same way, of course.
More of natural causes.
But I know how it feels.
It feels bad.
Yeah, Bruce, I don't really think that's helping.
Don't you want to know how I got through the bad times?
How did you get through the bad times?
I'm glad you asked.
I usually put on
the feel-good instant classic Waterworld,
and you're in luck, because it's queued up right now
and we're actually halfway through.
Didn't this movie suck like a lot?
-Oh. -Whoa,
I'm not even gonna respond to that.
-James? -Yeah,
we try to not talk about the reviews of Waterworld,
because we actually think it's really good and--
and we're not ashamed of that.
Not ashamed.
Thanks, but I'm just not really in the mood right now, so.
Or ever.
So you want to start it from the beginning?
How is that? Like-- that's not at all.
-James. -Yeah.
-Can we talk in private? -Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Oh, oh, I get it.
You guys want me to leave.
We'd like to be alone.
Yeah.
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my own private Waterworld.
That means the toilet.
-Yep, we got it. -We got it.
Bye.
Sorry about Bruce.
I mean, he's just not um, good at stuff like that.
Or anything in general, but you keep him around.
Yeah.
Well, look, I-- are you gonna be okay?
I need to process it.
That was probably the most horrific thing I've ever seen.
Yeah. It's like a bad dream in real life.
Yeah, it's so scary.
It's like we're all just fighting to survive right now.
What do I do?
Where should I go?
Well, I think you should stay here.
I mean, until things are safer.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Thanks, James.
Pfft.
Hi, I'm James, and I'm a writer.
Let's see what you got here.
Wow.
Impressive.
Pinky swear my ass.
Much better.
So, how have you been?
Since, you know, we broke up.
Yeah, yeah, I've been-- I've been really good actually.
Healthy. Um, really clear-headed.
And just productive.
That's good to hear.
-I'm glad. -Yeah, yeah.
How have you-- how have you been?
Okay, I guess.
Depending on the day of the week.
In some ways, I'm still healing.
Really?
What-- is that surprising?
I mean, look, I know that this is a pretty fucked-up situation,
but I'm like really happy we're talking again.
I guess this is the first time since things ended, huh?
Yeah. I never even got to apologize.
Apologize for what?
For everything.
Yeah.
Care to be more specific?
Yeah, I mean I'm just sorry for everything that you think
I did wrong.
Everything I think you did wrong.
You were completely missing in action from our relationship.
Okay, look, I have spent some time reflecting--
-Uh-huh. -On our relationship,
and look, I--
I realize that you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'd want things to be completely different.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, different how?
To start, I'd like us to be more honest.
Great. Yeah, me too. Me too.
Honesty is great. I love honesty.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Well, then how did you honestly feel after we broke up?
-How have you been? -Very, very, very, very bad.
I've been-- yeah, it's been rough.
I knew it.
How bad?
Really bad. Um, drinking quite a bit.
Um, just a little bit more than excessively, I would say.
And listening to quite a bit of Yacht Rock.
- Oof. - Yeah, I know.
Somehow I've become like kindred with Michael Bolton,
and it doesn't even feel bad or weird.
Yeah.
Yes! Chicken wings!
-Hey! -Were you just right there?
No.
All right, let's please try to make this quick.
Okay, I'm not gonna die for some wings.
All right, all right. I got this.
We'll be fine.
-Yo, dude, come on in. -All right, pal.
- Oh my God. - It's fucking crazy out there.
-Holy fucking shit. -Holy fucking shit.
- Rory! - Bruce!
-Woo! Oh my God. -How long has it been?
-Like five years? -At least.
You look uh, good.
You still look like shit.
Funny guy.
This is James.
How you doing, pal?
Make yourself at home, man.
-Mi casa, su casa. -Thanks, pal.
Here, let me help you out.
Oh, here, you want to take it?
Wingy, wingy. Yeah!
Come on in. Chicken wings.
Fucking A.
So, uh, how do you guys know each other?
Oh my God, dude.
Me and Roarster here, we go way back.
We were sandwich artists together.
Bruce, don't shortchange yourself.
You're much more than a sandwich artist.
Sandwich fucking legend, this guy.
Fuck off.
Oh, I'm telling you, people talked about you
for years after you left.
They're probably still yacking about you.
And this was at Subway?
Yeah, dude.
You better see this guy in the kitchen.
He was doing stuff with sandwiches that
weren't even on the menu.
Had his own fucking secret menu.
Julia Child meets Jackson Pollock.
Totally experimental shit.
Blew my mind.
I was just messing around,
you know, having a good time, that's all.
What are you up to these days? You a chef?
You reinvent food?
No, but I did go to culinary school actually.
-I like to hear. -Yeah.
I dropped out, though.
But it's cool, you know, because I um-- I'm living off
of Israel bonds and unemployment now.
Looks like it worked out for you.
I mean, you're living fucking lavish over here.
Place is straight class, let me tell you.
Right, yeah, but this actually isn't my place.
This is James' house. He's a novelist.
Mm, mm-hmm.
It's uh-- you did the book, Space, uh, trains, trains.
Trains in Space.
Trains in Space, that's what I said.
That was you, huh? That was sick.
I saw it in the library.
No shot I was reading it, but fucking A, dude.
Oh, you're too kind. Thank you.
Oh, dude, how much I owe you?
Uh, $32.50.
Right.
There's 40 right there. Boom.
Thank you.
Always got to check with this fucker.
Yeah, you never know.
Dude, didn't you like fuck my sister?
Listen, nobody knows nothing.
Ah,
Rory, my man.
We got to-- we got to hang out again.
Dude, why don't you just stick around?
We got Waterworld, wings.
I wish I could.
I still have some deliveries, though.
Oh, dang. All right, well, I guess he's got to head out.
Come on, man.
You're gonna risk your life for Abracadabra?
-Yeah. -You're better than this, man.
-What about your friends? -Yeah, you know what?
For once, you're right.
Fuck Abracadabra and the kebab wands.
Yeah, fuck 'em.
Hey, Emily!
Emily!
The last few days have been wild. Get this.
Yesterday, I had to deliver to an orgy.
No shit.
Yeah, I show up to this huge mansion,
all different walks of life, everybody's naked.
The host, this guy named Russell,
had the longest fucking balls I've ever seen.
They were like down to his ankles.
I love that. Love that.
What I'm more curious about is
how you've managed to stay alive this whole time.
It hasn't been easy.
I've almost been bitten like 10 times already.
I mean, don't get me wrong, obviously, it's a dangerous job,
but the tips have been incredible.
We all know how expensive rent in L.A. can be.
-Tell me about it. -Plus, there's everything else.
You got gas, bills, food.
Speaking of food, Rory, what are you waiting for?
-Dig in. -Nah, nah, nah.
I don't touch that stuff no more.
I'm a vegetarian.
What?
You a vegetarian? No, come on.
Yeah, for the last three months.
Look, we used to call this guy "Meatball Rory"
'cause he ate meatball subs for breakfast, lunch,
-and dinner. -Those days are way behind me.
I'm Tofu Rory.
Come on, man.
What's it been like, 90 days?
You're still in the probationary period.
You can eat meat.
You-- you don't have to eat it if you don't want to.
Come on.
Dude, you drove all the way out here.
You're not gonna eat with me?
Your boy Bruce?
Have one wing, one.
Bruce, don't make him do it.
You know what, fuck it,
the world's ending anyway, right?
I'll get one of these things.
Oh man.
-I missed this. -Welcome back, buddy.
Got a little kick to it, too, huh?
Actually pretty spicy.
Dip it in some ranch, that'll cool it off.
Ranch? Didn't I give you guys blue cheese?
No, no one delivered blue cheese. That was you.
This fucking guy Marco's been messing up the order all week.
I guess I'll fucking suffer with the ranch.
There he is, come on.
Look at this guy.
Reminds me of one of them zombies out there,
right?
So you two married or what?
Us? No, we're not even a couple.
Well, uh, we're a work in progress.
Kind of like every couple I know.
That's why my grandma wonders why I'm not getting laid.
No one else is wondering that.
Fuck me.
I should not have eaten that wing.
Already not sitting too well with me.
-Uh-oh. -Ah, God.
Don't tell me it's like that time you got back from TJ
with Montezuma's Revenge.
I'm telling you, if that's the case,
we're all in trouble.
You guys got a bedroom near here?
Yeah, yeah, it's right out there down the hall.
In fact, Bruce, why don't you show him?
Yeah, I'll show him.
Hey, man. I just want to thank you for your words
of encouragement earlier. I really appreciate that.
You know, I've always thought about
-getting back in the kitchen. -You should totally do it, bro.
Yeah, it's just the pressure, you know?
It's like I got a whole bunch of new ideas I want to try.
Like ostrich liver.
That shit is fucking unbelievable.
You slice it up real thin, and then you sauté it
in salted butter.
Where's that fucking bed?
Oh, it's right over here to the right.
Oh, fucking A.
You have a little something on your face.
Oh, where?
I can get it.
Thank you. Um...
Thank you.
Am I crazy or is there some flirting happening right now?
You're crazy.
We're just not fighting at the moment.
Okay, 'cause it feels like things are going swimmingly,
-actually. -Swimmingly?
Mm-hmm.
You're an idiot.
Mm-hmm. Okay, all right.
-It's your turn. -My turn for what?
The new honesty thing.
I was honest with you earlier, so now it's my turn.
I'm game. What do you want to know?
Okay, what is your beef with Bruce?
What do you mean?
Come on.
There's something there.
Like the entire time we were together,
it seemed like there was a-- I don't know, a tension.
And I mean, sometimes it even seemed like you hate him.
I don't hate Bruce.
We're just two very different people.
-It's awkward with us. -Right.
But we're very different people, too.
I-- I just-- I don't know what the difference is.
Like what-- like why is it awkward?
I don't know, James.
I don't know.
Okay.
I feel like you do and you should just say it.
I just want to know. I got to know.
Okay, there's this one thing I probably should have
already admitted to you, but I haven't yet.
So, here I go.
Um,
-this is so embarrassing. -It's fine.
I just-- I got to know.
Okay, before you and I were dating,
Bruce and I,
this is so stupid,
we had a fling.
It was a small fling. It didn't mean anything.
A fling? Um, I'm sorry, with you and Bruce?
Bruce, my best friend.
Bruce, the guy walking around my house right now.
Unfortunately, yes.
Son of a bitch.
-James, wait. -Bruce!
Fuck, I'm burning up here.
Fucking Christ, my eyes are...
- Bruce! - What? I'm making a drink.
I don't care. Tell me what happened between you and Emily
before we were together.
- What? - Mm-hmm-hmm.
Oh my God, you told him?
I had to.
What the fuck is happening to me?
Tell me everything right now.
Okay, it's not a big deal.
Nothing, basically nothing happened.
If nothing happened, we wouldn't be having
-this conversation right now. -I'll just say it,
there was definitely some hand stuff.
Hand stuff?
-Yes. -Hand stuff?
Okay, there might have been some hand stuff,
but I swear to God, James, we did not have sex.
It's true.
I mean, we probably would have, but nothing ever happened,
-because-- -Stop.
You don't have to go there, okay?
-She doesn't-- -No, yes, you do.
Tell me why right now.
Because Bruce got very excited by the hand stuff, that's why.
Oh my God, okay.
Is that everything?
Then Bruce made me a sandwich and we shared it.
Ch-- a sandwich?
Did you wash your hands first?
Yes, I washed my hands.
I swear I washed my hands.
I feel sick right now.
Yeah, how do you think I feel?
I don't feel so hot myself.
What is he still doing here?
I'm sorry, are you wearing my bathrobe?
Did you just take a shower?
I'm sweating my fucking balls off, bro.
Is it hot in here or is it me?
- Oh God! - Oh, holy shit!
-Oh my God. -Oh, wow.
Is he infected?
I think it's just food poisoning.
That doesn't look like food poisoning.
Okay, relax, maybe he just you know, had
an allergic reaction to their hot wings, that's all.
Do you have allergies, Rory?
I'm allergic to cats.
I don't have a cat.
That is not an allergic reaction.
Okay, you know what, Rory?
Remember when you said that you almost got bit like 10 times?
Yeah.
-Did you maybe get bit? -Nah, I just--
That looks like a bite mark to me.
Nah, I just got that at the orgy.
Okay, Rory, I'm gonna ask you a question here
and as crazy as this may sound, I need you to be honest, okay?
Yeah, the fuck you need.
Did you...
Did you have sex with a zombie?
Oh, shit!
- Oh my God! - Fuck, is that blood?
Thanks, Bill.
We have a warning about our next story.
James, I just wanna say I'm sorry, we need to talk.
Shut the fuck up, he's going to hear you.
You're right, you're right, we'll talk later.
Run!
Shut it!
Shut the door!
Oh, oh, that's Rory, he looks so terrible.
- Damn. - Jesus Christ.
I can't believe I used to be friends with him.
He fucked a zombie.
Oh God, that's the worst STD I've ever seen.
And I thought herpes was bad.
Disgusting.
- Where's he going? - There he goes.
Great. Oh, wait. Charles.
Oh, shit, dude.
-No, he's gonna eat my fish. -No, Charles.
Don't do it, Rory.
- Charles. - I'm sorry, dude.
Motherfucker.
No, this bitch has to die.
- James! - James no, James, stop!
Jesus Christ, I don't care, I don't care.
Oh, he's coming back.
I don't think he knows how to get out.
No, he-- I think we're-- I think we're safe out here.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's perfect. This is great.
We got the zombie locked inside, and then we're locked outside
where all the zombies are. It's great.
Yeah, another zombie could show up any moment.
I honestly hope one does.
I would love to just fucking die right now.
In fact, zombies! Come and fucking eat me!
Hey! James, I know you're angry right now about the hookup,
but can you just put that on the back burner for a second?
Ew, the hookup.
Yeah, dude, come on.
Don't you want to survive here?
Just think about it.
What would they do in the zombie movies?
I've never seen a zombie movie where my best friend
tries to bang my girlfriend.
Okay, what is this, 1985?
I didn't try to bang your girlfriend,
and she wasn't even your girlfriend then.
Shut up, okay?
I think I have an idea.
One of you needs to open the door, get him out here,
distract him, and then spray him with a hose.
I'll grab that plant, smash him over the head,
and that should give us enough time to get back inside.
That could work.
Yeah, totally. You're the distractor, though.
What? Why-- why am I the distractor?
Oh, I guess just because this is all your fault.
You came to my house, you made us get hot wings,
you invited Rory Gabagool into my home.
Okay, those are all valid points.
I'll be the distractor.
Thank you.
Ready.
Set.
Fucking go!
Oh my God! I can't believe it actually worked!
We did it! That was awesome!
Up high.
-No five? -No, no five.
Now that things are back to normal,
I'd like to be left the fuck alone.
James!
All this shit going on in the world,
why would you even think about telling James what happened?
Because it was one of the problems of our relationship.
We were never honest with each other.
Relationships require honesty.
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
James is my best friend
and I was ready to take that to the grave.
Look, I wasn't happy about it either.
It's embarrassing.
Okay, you don't have to rub it in.
-That's not what I meant. -You know what?
A girl like you would never in a million years
end up with a guy like me, because I am a fuck-up.
I know it, James knows it, and you know it.
I mean, you said it yourself.
I'm not really great at anything in general.
You were spying on us?
That's super fucking creepy, Bruce.
Yes, I was, and I didn't appreciate that comment.
Or the one you just made.
Jesus, learn to take a joke.
Oh, I'm sorry, I get it now.
Bruce sucks at life.
-Ha-ha, very funny. -Look, Bruce,
the reason our fling was embarrassing to me
was nothing to do with who you are.
It's because we barely knew each other at the time.
And honestly, I didn't have a lot
of experience.
Well, you know, that makes two of us,
because I didn't have a whole lot of experience either.
I'm positive you had at least more than I did.
No, no, I didn't, because--
Well, Emily, I...
I was a virgin.
You were a virgin?
Yes. Shh.
You don't need to say it so loud.
I'm speaking at a normal volume.
Okay, well, I guess it just sounds worse
when someone else says it.
I'm sorry. I...
I honestly, I really don't know how to react to that.
Well, I'll have you know, I'm no longer a virgin.
I've done it numerous times.
-Okay. -At least, 6, 7, 8--
-I got it. -With multiple partners, so...
That's great. Bruce, I'm...
I'm genuinely happy for you.
Thanks, Emily.
That's actually the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
-See what a relief this is? -Yeah.
We should have done this years ago.
The problem was we just acted like it never happened.
I know. I hated it.
It just festered like an open wound.
Right?
And I was just jealous of you and James.
You were jealous of us?
-Yes. -I was jealous of you guys.
Oh my God, no, you were not.
Yes!
About what?
You two could laugh about anything, talk about anything.
James and I, we were always just annoying,
and emotional,
and draining to the people who cared about us most.
Well, you know, if it makes you feel any better,
I don't think James wants to be in a relationship with me either
right now.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Thanks.
Oh, and if I get kicked out of the house
and my penis gets eaten by a zombie,
it's all your fault.
Okay, Bruce.
I'll work on it.
I told you to leave me alone.
-What are you doing? -I'm finishing my book.
What's it about?
It's about a sad loser who gets dumped.
I've been struggling to finish it,
but I've recently had a burst of inspiration.
"And then she dies suddenly, terribly, and embarrassing."
Come on, James. Don't be so immature.
It happened a long time ago.
I can't change that now.
You could have told me about it
in the five years that we were together, though.
You're right.
I should have.
But I didn't.
I thought it would create problems in our relationship.
I guess it did anyway.
Yep.
I'm sorry, James.
Would you have really preferred me lying to you?
Emily, I don't really want to talk to you right now, okay?
I, um, you broke my heart and then you did it again.
And really, my only question now is how many more times
can you possibly do it?
'Cause it's pretty fucking shattered now.
Sounds like you want me to leave.
Yeah, that would probably be for the best.
Are you sure about that?
Yes, I am.
This was a bad idea.
I should have never come here in the first place.
Yeah, I got a lot of work to do.
Yeah, you always did.
You know what?
You haven't changed one bit.
You're still a selfish and insecure prick
and I can't believe I even considered getting
back together with you.
Okay, is that all?
Have a nice life, James.
I'll talk to him.
I don't care anymore.
Goddamn it.
Hey.
No, I don't want to fucking talk to you either.
In fact, why don't you go with her?
Right, you guys can go have some fun
for old times' sake.
-Come on, man. -Just go!
Look, just hear me out, okay?
You don't have to say anything.
I'm sorry about what happened with me and Emily.
Okay, I should have told you.
I was wrong.
You have every right to be pissed, okay?
I'd be pissed, too.
But what you're doing right now might be the biggest mistake
you've ever made in your entire life.
Dude, you saw what those monsters are capable of.
They'll-- they'll chew your fucking nuts off.
You're really gonna let Emily-- you're gonna
let me wander out into the streets alone to die?
You're that cold-hearted?
I just-- I don't get it, man.
We're the only two people on this planet
who give a shit about you.
Sorry, if I'm coming off like a dick, but it's the truth.
I just-- I don't care anymore.
That's not the James I know.
Then maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do.
Or maybe you've just forgotten who you really are.
What are you doing?
Reminding you that is the girl you love.
And that, that's the guy you love.
Platonically, of course.
-So? -So, dude,
today could possibly be the end of the fucking world.
You need to decide if you and Emily are over and you want
to make peace, or...
if you want to get back together and you want to win her back.
But this self-loathing bullshit needs to stop.
What's it gonna be?
I don't know.
Just, why don't you tell me how you two met?
What's that gonna solve?
Please, dude, tell me. I want to know.
We were at the Cineplex Odeon.
It was a midnight screening of THX
and we were the only two people there.
The projector broke halfway through and when the guy came
to fix it, I went and sat next to her.
You know, introduced myself.
"Hey, I'm James, a hungry novelist who loves
George Lucas and aspires to be as influential."
She was an amateur photographer who admired him just as much.
And she loved dogs.
And she was just--
She could really express herself, you know?
Talked about who she was and who she wanted to be.
She'd never read any James Joyce,
but had read all Stephen King.
She loved the classic Incredible Hulk with Bill Bixby
and Lou Ferrigno.
She thought Boba Fett died like a chump.
She knew Empire was the best Star Wars.
She liked Disneyland, but only when it was raining.
That first night we talked
and talked through the whole movie,
never even looking at the screen.
And when it was over, we walked and talked about anything
and everything.
And before we knew it, we were in the middle of nowhere
and we didn't care.
We just turned around and walked right back,
talking the whole way.
And that night I just...
I knew she was perfect.
That no one could compare to her.
And that...
Holy shit!
I have to get her back.
That's your answer right there.
-Oh my God, Bruce. -I know.
-I don't want to lose her. -I know.
I've been a fucking asshole.
Complete, gaping, stinky fucking asshole.
- Jesus Christ, dude. - The imagery sometimes.
Let's go get your girlfriend back.
Let's do that.
Jesus Christ.
Goddamn it. Just go.
Shut up.
Shit, man. It's spooky out here.
I know. I'm such a fucking idiot.
I hope she's okay.
Holy shit. Dude, look at the size of this thing. Dibs.
No, no, no, no, no.
-What? -It's the maintenance guy's.
Dude, fuck the maintenance guy.
He's probably dead for all we know.
That is a badass axe.
And we could kill some fucking zombies with that thing.
Plus, God put that here for a reason.
Okay, fine, but we have to put it back when we're done.
-Fine, whatever. -You got to remind me.
-Okay, I will. -Okay.
Now let's go get your girlfriend back.
Let's go get her.
-Hey, James. -Yeah?
Remember when I told you I had slept with like,
hundreds of ladies?
Uh-huh.
That's true.
-Really? -Okay, it's not true.
Yeah, I know, Bruce.
But I have like made sex with women before.
Yeah, typically, when you have sex,
you're not the kind of person who's ever made sex.
All right, then I won't talk about sex anymore.
Let's just not talk about anything for a little bit.
Fine.
That was Emily.
Holy shit, dude.
It's Miss Jones' place.
You mean Beverly?
What, no, Miss Jo--
Wait, when did you get on first-name basis with her?
Since, like today. You're not?
No. Did something happen?
-What? -What? Why'd you-- how'd you--
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.
I've always wondered what it looked like back here.
I have not wondered that.
What the fuck?
She's a cop?
Not just a cop.
She's a fucking detective, dude.
Oh, dude.
Fresh donuts.
- Dude, drop the donuts. - We gotta go.
Shit.
-This is scary. -Shut up.
What are you doing on the ground?
I'm losing blood.
Oh, fuck, dude!
Oh, Je-- Jesus Christ.
Okay.
Miss Jones!
Dude, is-- is that-- is that a clothing iron?
Maybe she was ironing when she turned.
Yeah, well, she's fucking death-gripping the thing.
Miss Jones, hi. James here. How's it going?
-How are you doing? -Dude, what are you doing?
-She can't fucking hear you. -I should try.
She might be in there somewhere.
No, dude. She's a fucking zombie.
She's gonna eat your fucking face off.
You gotta--
Miss Jones!
Hello? Miss Jones.
See, dude, she's fucking gone.
-Just-- just kill her ass. -Oh, God.
-I'm so sorry, but this is-- -You got this.
Okay, okay. I really like you.
-Oh my God. -You got it, buddy.
Okay, oh my gosh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, yeah, that's gotta hurt.
Ah, you took my move!
James, you're doing good, buddy.
I love it.
You got this, man.
You can fucking do it.
Okay, okay.
Stop it.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
No, stop.
Okay, now go back.
Oh yes.
Oh my God, really cool. That was awesome.
Yeah, where the fuck were you?
-I was in the bathroom. -I can't even understand.
Emily.
Oh, are we gonna lift this thing?
- Yeah. - Jesus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, all right. It's really fucking--
Okay.
Let me just-- hold on, sorry.
You all right in there?
Fuck you.
This fucking bird.
- Yes, we're okay. - Damn it.
We're okay.
Why are we bringing this stupid fucking thing?
We can't leave it in there.
Ow.
Come on, hurry.
Goddamn it.
The president has now declared
martial law in the city of Los Angeles.
All residents are urged to remain indoors
until further notice.
Any unauthorized individuals found in the streets
will be treated as a potential threat
to national security and will be dealt with accordingly.
In other news, soy milk futures have dropped
significantly in the last 24 hours.
Goddamn it.
Ted, fuck.
You guys hear that?
Soy milk futures are down.
There goes my whole portfolio.
Oh, God.
She really dug her teeth in.
So...
where did it all go wrong?
With us?
You really want to know?
I do.
I don't think you can handle it.
I-- I think I can.
Okay.
You spent all your time with that dinosaur you call computer
writing obscure nothingness.
You're stuck in the past, James.
No wonder you can't move forward.
-Wait. -All your love
spent on that stupid book.
Nothing left over for me.
Your life put on hold and for what?
No, no. I-- I think I finally found my inspiration.
Well, that's great for you, but unfortunately--
If you would just let me talk.
Right. Um, okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry that I was a terrible boyfriend.
And I was.
I was distant and very bad at communicating.
Mm-hmm. - And I-- I didn't see you.
And more than anything, I'm sorry that it took a day
like today for me to see how amazing you are.
And how much I want to fight for you.
So, what do you say?
No.
No?
I'm sorry, it's not that easy.
Okay. Two seconds.
Oh my God.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
I can't imagine living on this planet without you.
So if I have to become a mindless zombie as
we both just fade into the dust, at least we can be together.
I can't take you back right away,
especially after everything that's happened.
But it's a start.
Oh no, James.
-You didn't. -I did.
Jesus.
You two have put me in a
seriously fucked-up love triangle.
I want you both to know that when you turn into zombies,
I'm going to kill you both
and claim squatter's rights, so I can live here forever.
-Hope that's cool. -Yeah, that seems fair.
I think I have an ending for your book.
Really?
Mm-hmm. You want to hear it?
Yeah, I do.
The guy finally wins over the girl, they fall deeply,
madly in love, and they die happily ever after.
-The end. -That's good.
I'd read that. Mm-hmm.
-I love it. -Me too.
A doo-dobba, dobba, dobba, dobba, dobba, dobba
Good morning, sleepyheads.
Yikes.
How do you feel?
Like shit.
I'm not sure though if that's because I'm becoming a zombie
or because I'm super hungover.
Well, you came to the right place,
because I just brewed up a couple of prairie oysters.
-Do, do, do, do. -No, I am not doing that again.
- Yes, you are. - I am not going to.
-Prairie what? -Prairie oysters.
It's a hangover remedy invented by James Bond.
Don't let the Bond thing fool you, though.
It tastes like shit.
All right.
Admittedly, it did help, so.
I mean, I'll do anything to get rid of this headache, so.
-Bottoms up. -Bottoms up.
Mm.
It's not terrible.
Okay, now I want you both to try
my world famous bacon egg sandwich.
Okay, now that I'll do.
Take a big bite, would you?
Mm.
Oh my God.
Bruce, oh, this is amazing.
-You really think so? -Mm-hmm.
You haven't lost your touch?
Wow, Rory was not joking
when he said that you are a sandwich artiste.
-Oh man, you really think so? -Yes.
If this is my last meal, I can die happy.
That's really sweet, Emily.
Thank you.
Wait a second.
What's wrong?
- James. - Yeah.
Look at Emily's face.
Oh my God. Wait, what?
Yeah, we've already established that I look like shit.
No, no, you look amazing.
You look like perfect.
So beautiful right now.
Well, come on.
No, it's almost like you look-- you look cured.
Holy shit.
How is that even possible?
I have no idea.
Dude, I think it's the prairie oyster.
No, no way.
Yes, think about it.
You had one yesterday
and you're showing no symptoms right now.
You're right. I actually feel amazing.
Do you know what this means, Bruce?
What?
If you found the cure for the Agnes virus,
you're gonna be a hero.
Fuck being a hero.
I'm about to be a billionaire.
I need to let the world know.
James, give me the phone.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
There you go.
Who are you calling?
Ted Sommers, bitch.
Channel 11 News.
-You just know the number? -By heart.
Love those guys.
It's ringing. This is good.
Channel 11, how can I direct your call?
Hey, uh, this is Bruce Springsteen
calling for Ted Sommers.
Hold please.
No, I'm not gonna fucking hold.
You better wrap things up.
It's about to start soon.
Yeah, this is for my publisher.
Very big day for this guy.
Is that a new printer?
Yes, it is.
I'm proud of you.
You think this is gonna be your masterpiece?
I know it is.
-Bruce. -Yes?
Many are calling you a "national hero".
Do you feel like a hero?
-That's me. -Yeah, it is.
Come on, Ted.
You know, if you're looking for a real hero,
his name is James Bond.
Taught me everything I know about the prairie oyster.
Now tell me, how does one go
from being unemployed for over three years
to solving a health crisis?
That's a great question, Ted.
It's fairly simple.
I'm not really great at anything in general,
other than getting all messed up and trying to figure out how
to avoid a hangover.
The rest of it was basically being
in the right place at the right time.
Some would say you're the most celebrated person on the planet.
How does that make you feel?
Pretty great, Ted.
Pretty great.
Well, everyone wants to know
what's next for Bruce Springsteen,
the sandwich artist, not the boss?
-Stein. Springstein. -Sorry about that.
Well, you know, I was thinking after I graduate
culinary school,
I'll open a sandwich shop with my good buddy Rory.
I mean, he inspired me
to get back in the kitchen in the first place.
-I'm proud of you, Bruce. -I love you, buddy.
Then I'd like to open an animal rescue with
my friend Emily.
And after that, hopefully write
a book about this entire crazy experience--
Bruce!
--with my best friend James, because he's a novelist,
and also because he saved my life.
Yeah, I, for sure, didn't save any lives.
No, no, you almost killed us all.
Sounds like you've got some really wonderful friends, Bruce.
I really do. I really do, Ted.
-Woo! -Oh, yeah. There you go.
Thank you, thank you.
You're a fucking hero these days.
Oh, shit, dude.
Look.
Oh, all of our old friends.
Yeah.
Still smiling after everything they've been through.
Amazing.
You know, the doctors were able to save the jogger's leg.
Truly incredible what they can do these days,
-medical people, you know? -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I should have been a doctor.
Oh, look. It's Beverly and her asshole parrot.
Dude, she looks great.
Yes, she does.
Mm.
You know, you really saved the world, man.
Yes, I did.
I'm honored to call you my best friend.
Me too, buddy.
-Oh. -Oh.
Ah, yeah, that-- that's not good.
Oh.
Maybe it's like some kind of, I don't know.
Um.
-Dude. -What?
Ah, your face.
Turn it up. Turn it up!
On the Agnes virus outbreak,
the Centers for Disease Control have deemed
the prairie oyster antidote only temporarily effective.
To be clear, CDC scientists have concluded
that the antidote is ineffective against
the long-term effects of the Agnes virus.
-Washington officials are said-- -Fuck, Ted.
...to be deploying alternative containment measures
as we speak.
Reports are coming in from...
...all across the city about infected persons wandering
-the streets aimlessly. -What the hell is that?
Air raid sirens. The big red button.
Guess I'm not really great at anything in general, am I?
That's not true, man. You're a great best friend.
Thanks, buddy.
So this is the end of the world?
As we know it.
It's a lot different than I pictured it.
Looks pretty good from here.
So, what do you say?
Will you take me back?
I hate you.
I know.
Now, let's go to Seattle now.
I'm not going right now.
Let's go to Seattle, dude.
What is it? Spun--
- What is it? - Space Trains.
- Oh, no.*
Russell, there you go. Yeah.
- No. - He's a jerk--
Yeah, oof.
I'm just here to report the news.
I can't get involved.
It looks very painful.
I understand your yelling.
Maybe we can like go out sometime.
Ooh. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, I'll buy you some new shoes.
Woo-hoo!
Thank you, Ted. I-- I'm very blessed and fortunate.
I know a lot of people out there don't have any friends.
Yeah. Many people lost loved ones.
They did. They sure did.
Um, yeah.
After you go back to, I wanted to say sandwich school, but--
After you go back to the culinary institute
and you start this animal rescue, you said.
-Yeah. -Um,
are you an animal lover, Bruce?
Not really. No, it's not really about me.
It's more about Emily.
-That's her thing. -I see.
Yeah. -So you just plan to support her
and the shelter financially?
If that's what it takes.
If that's what it takes, Ted.
I've never really been much of an animal guy personally.
They stink.
And you got to clean up after them.
But it's okay.
-I won't be there. -Right. Right.
But it's good to put your name on things that are looked at
as positive in the world.
So a lot of people like animal rescues.
Emily does.
So I do.
Okay, I-- I can understand that.
I, for one, don't like dog barks.
I'm with you there.
They can make me jump out of my skin.
And they make me very angry, too.
-They surprise me. -Yes. Yeah.
Shock me. But I know many animals are wonderful.
Sure.
And you're going to write a book about all of this,
you hope?
Well, I will be doing a bit of the ghost, what do they say?
-Is it ghost writing? -Ghost writing.
Oh, no, no, that's not right.
I will be uh--
Well, your friend will be ghost writing for you, I believe.
Yes. That's what I meant.
Yes. James will be the ghost writer.
James will be the ghost writer,
and I will take all of the credit.
I don't know.
How do you think James will feel about that?
We'll find out when he sees this interview.
Hey, I got a little whiskey there for you.
-It's top shelf. -Oh, I-- I don't doubt it.
You're very kind, Bruce, but if I have one,
I'll have a thousand.
I'd like to see that.
I don't think you would.
I would like to see that.
It gets quite ugly.
I-- I would I--
You're making me want to see this even more.
I may be making you want to see it,
but trust me, once you saw it, you would be filled with regret.
No, no, no.
I've never-- I never regret anything.
Oh, well.
No regrets. That's my life motto.
That's one way to live, I suppose.
I certainly have regrets.
Oh, yeah?
Millions and millions.
Oh, man.
Maybe hundreds, I don't--
I don't think I've been alive long enough
to have millions of regrets.
But this interview isn't about me.
-It's about you, Bruce. -That's right, it is.
So, no regrets?
No regrets.
I'm a lucky man.
Very fortunate.
I appreciate you letting us into your beautiful home here.
Oh, I-- no problem. Of course. Anytime.
It's not really my home.
It's James', the one with the novel.
Oh, I see. I see.
Did you ever read his book, Space in Tr--
-Trains in Space? -Trains in Space.
I believe I've heard of it.
-Great book. -Is it?
-I never read it. -Oh, no.
-Well, that's all. -Don't tell him.
Don't tell anybody.
I have a feeling he's gonna see this interview.
I feel a lot of people are going to see this interview.
-I sure hope so. -I hope so, too.
I sure hope so.
Well, Ted, I've got to say, I have, you know,
I've been a fan of yours for a really long time.
And I-- I-- anytime you want to have me back on,
I'm-- I'm honored.
-Oh my goodness. Thank you. -I'm honored.
Thank you so much, Bruce.
I-- I don't often hear such words of sincere encouragement,
and I-- and I deeply appreciate it.
You know, there was a lot of people that wanted
to do this interview.
Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera, but I chose you,
because I love Channel 11 News.
Um, thank you.
Bruce, that is deeply moving to me that you would choose me
over such giants of the news business.
You, my friend, are a giant.
Oh, thank you, Bruce, um...
You okay there, Ted?
I think we're gonna have to cut.