'In the UK today one in five people
'have a dispute with their neighbour.'
I am working from home!
'These escalate...' He threw the first one!
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...' Shut up!
'..into war zones, and Victorian terraces...'
These lights need to be taken down this year!
'..into battle grounds.
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.'
'Dunkeswell, Devon.
'Newlyweds Cardi B and Tyson Fury moved here four years ago,
'looking for a simple life away
'from the hustle and bustle of the city.
It were meant to be our forever home, you know,
nice garden, not too big,
enough room for a little sing song.
And IN the rolling hills of Duhvon, okurrr!
Devon. She meant Devon.
'But trouble was about to arrive on their doorstep,
'in the shape of their next door neighbour Simon Cowell.'
And then I opened the door and Simon says,
"You put your bin bag out on the wrong day
"and that encourages rats."
Where we used to live, the bins got took out every other Wednesday,
so it's an easy mistake to make it, in't it?
And then Simon was really rude and called me a blow-in.
Do you know what a blow-in is?
Blow-in is a derogatory term
to classify anybody what's not born in the locality.
It were very, very hurtful language, wasn't it, sweetie?
Mm-hmm.
'But this was only the start of an ongoing battle
'that would last over a year
'with their next door neighbour Simon Cowell.'
Now then, where are we?
I've never had, um, a south facing garden before,
and I absolutely love home-grown strawberries,
so I were keen to make the most of the summer,
but it's a very clay type soil, you see,
so I had to have some sand delivered for the drainage.
So I were working the spade as I do,
seven days a week and twice on a Sunday,
and I never heard the lorry delivering the bags.
REVERSE ALARM BLARES
Couldn't hear anything, couldn't hear a thing.
ALARM CONTINUES
So, I've come out here and the useless pack of bums
have put it right there
bang in the middle of the driveways.
Two ton total.
Simon weren't happy.
And then he started shouting, "It's on my side.
"You're on my side!"
And then he stood two legs apart
and then he started pointing to each side of the driveway
like, "Err, you're on my side, your side,
"my side, your side,
"Err-err-err-err-err-err-rr-rr!"
Like, forever.
He were aggressive, you know, and...
and his neck looked all tense and that,
like he'd had a few too many sambucas and was ready for a scrap.
I were absolutely petrified, I really was.
And I tell you something -
I don't care whether you're built like a brick shit house,
or whether you've got balls the size of King Kong and Godzilla
wrapped into one, there ain't a man born to his mother
whose arsehole wouldn't go in that situation.
And my arsehole went.
In fact, it did a marathon down the street and never returned.
'That night the couple went to bed
'hoping that things would be better the next day.
'But the following morning, battle lines were drawn...
'literally.
'Simon had painted a boundary line between the two properties.'
The line were all wobbly, you know.
I tell you what it looked like,
it looked like a drunk seagull with the shits
had flown up and down the driveway, going up and down shitting,
shitting, up and down,
shitting.
'Coming up...
'Simon's painting skills has Tyson seething.'
He stole three grand's worth of land off of me.
Eh-eh!
'Across the country, in the London suburb of Kidbrooke,
'sous chef Harry Kane, finally secured his dream move
'from north to south London
'and he told us about the special deal he had with his landlady.'
Yeah, no, I feel very lucky.
I've got a very good relationship with my landlady,
you know, she gives me reduced rent
and in return I sort out the flat.
Er, decorating, tiling, grouting, wallpapering,
carpets, windows, cupboards, doors, sinks...
..shelves. Skimmed that wall, er doors,
dipped them and stripped 'em.
Er, skimmed that wall twice, had to do the double.
Er, it's probably in the top four places I've ever lived,
actually, yeah, I didn't wanna move,
I just wanted to work hard and keep my place in the flat.
'Harry's proudest achievement at the property was his patio.'
Look at that, perfect, not even any dust either, magic.
'But then one day, the patio came under attack.'
I was drying up in there, and I heard this bang,
so I go over to the back door and opened it up.
I've come out, I've looked down and one of my patio tiles is cracked
with an iron next to it.
You don't need to be a genius
to work out that that iron cracked my patio tile...
..and it had to have come from the neighbour upstairs.
'But despite repeated attempts to make contact...'
HEAVY BANGING
'..nobody answered the door upstairs.
I bang the door like that, he's pretending he didn't hear me,
he didn't... L-Listen! Listen to that.
THUDDING You can hear that, it's really loud.
The knocker as well, look...
RATTLY TAPPING
..it's louder with the hand. DULL BANG
Nothing. That's... It's... What...
If anything it's what annoyed me more.
'So Harry looked for a replacement tile,
'but sadly it had been discontinued.'
I searched everywhere -
internet, forums...
my builder mates.
I even drove to a specialist place in Burnley one cold Wednesday night,
no result.
That's when I decided to go direct down the legal route.
'Harry instructed a solicitor
'to inform his neighbour that they were responsible
'for the cost of an entirely new patio.
'Harry's upstairs neighbour, and reptile collector, Stormzy,
'wanted to give us his side of events.'
To be honest, we'd only actually exchanged hellos
on the stairs before that.
Kind of a nice guy, smiley but not too chatty,
so when I got the letter through the door,
I couldn't believe my eyes, like.
"Dear, Stormzy,
"as the resident of Flat 19, it is your responsibility
"to see that no items from your balcony fall, the height is tall.
"We have been made aware that there was an item in your possession
"that fell on Harry Kane's patio."
And then some legal nonsense down the bottom.
I don't even know what that is, but, yeah, I hold my hands up.
I do hold my hands up.
I did put my iron on the balcony to cool off, and it fell off.
But I did say I was gonna get it sorted out.
So why didn't you answer the door
when he first came up to tell you about the crack in the tile?
Well... the truth is...
..like, he did come banging on the door
and I was scared.
Like, imagine getting that, like, proper knocking on the door,
proper BANGIN'.
BANGING
I was properly shitting myself.
Basically, the iron was up there,
and then must have fallen off, innit,
and then came down and then ended up smashing the tile, so...
I don't know what you want me to say, like,
it is what it is.
OK, so, if you look here...
..I found a tile in Italy,
yeah, I got it shipped over and I was gonna lay it for him, too.
Innit, Loose Chocolate? Say nuttin', fam.
'Coming up...
'push comes to shove, when things get violent.
'Back in Dunkeswell,
'Cardi and Tyson woke up to find a new addition to the property.
The line was so wobbly that it encroached onto our side
and that meant that we'd lost land, didn't it, sweetie?
Land grab. Okurrr.
'So, I'd done some calculations based on the square yardage
'of the property's value,
'then I compared it with the property market index
'of when we bought the thing in 2018.'
And I worked out that with all the wobbles added up together,
he stole three grand's worth of land off of me.
Eeh-eeh!
Now, I don't care whether you're stupid or what,
there ain't a man walking God's planet
who can't see this for what it is.
Mm-mhm!
'Next door neighbour Simon Cowell, a specialist mechanic,
'has lived her for seven years,
'working from home restoring classic cars.'
I am the man you come to see if you've got a Capri.
Capri, Capri,
rare Capri,
er, they had Escorts.
It seems you and your neighbours
started out on the wrong foot. Could you tell us what happened?
Er, so I told Cardi and Tyson
their wheelie bin's in my way
and then I get two tons of dirt dumped on my driveway.
Good start to the relationship.
It's a no from me.
I mean, yes, the line I painted could have been straighter,
but their solution was an absolute joke.
It was a half-arsed job with a jet washer
that left a gigantic zig zag line all over my brickwork.
Amateur level stuff.
'Coming up...
'Tyson down, but not out.'
Argh, Cardi, sweetie! Me leg's stuck.
'Back in south London,
'Stormzy thought he had a solution to his neighbour's cracked tile,
'when he had a replacement sent over from Italy.'
I wanted to put things right,
so I decided to lay the new tile as a surprise.
'Stormzy replaced the tile himself, but something wasn't quite right.'
It was the wrong tile.
It was a rubbish substitution,
it's a completely different shade and very slightly smaller.
'As far as Stormzy was concerned the complete debt had been repaid.
'But Harry was furious and contacted the letting agent
'who looked after both flats.
'With over 15 years' experience
'and just over 40 properties to manage locally,
'Gal Gadot had a no-nonsense approach to conflict resolution.'
Obviously it's not great when tenants lock horns, but...
..I inspected the property
and was satisfied with Stormzy's replacement tile.
As far as I was concerned, he had done a good job.
'Stormzy felt the same way,
'but claims Harry's behaviour suddenly changed.'
Yeah, like, he started leaving notes for me,
telling me off for things,
and he kept going
and going,
and going...
..and he kept going.
It was a bombardment on my brain.
As you can see right here,
this is only two weeks' worth of messages
from Harry Kane, from downstairs.
Look at this, that is swearing in my book,
"Bugger off."
'In total, Harry left 158 Post-It notes for Stormzy.'
The guy's obviously lost the plot.
Yeah, no, obviously, I was within my rights
to put Post-It notes on the wall.
None of them were rude, obviously, they-they were just direct,
but Stormzy obviously had a problem with that
and then that's when the banging started, obviously.
DULL THUD FROM ABOVE
Constant footsteps!
I could hear him in the bedroom, in the toilet.
And when I brought it up with him
he just said he got rid of the carpets
cos he prefers the floorboards.
The noise was deafening.
This is all I was doing.
Like this.
Does he really expect me to walk around my own house like...
..like this?
Like, every time I'm walking
I could hear banging from downstairs.
'The noisy neighbours' battle continued for a number of weeks
'until finally things came to a head.'
Eventually, I had enough.
I just said, "Do you know what? Shut up!"
But then the banging kept going.
So I'm going, "Shut up" again.
And then, I swear I heard him call me a name.
Bellend! So I'm going, "Shut up!"
I look down and I put my foot through the floorboard.
'Now Stormzy was looking at losing his security deposit
'for the damage to the floor, but he wasn't the only one.'
And you ended up doing damage to your own flat.
How did that happen?
Er, I done it with a ladle from work.
Bang, bang, bang.
'Coming up... a surprise visitor enters the fray.'
She came in like a...
like a hero.
'In Dunkeswell, Devon,
'Tyson and Cardi were in a boundary dispute
with their next-door neighbour Simon Cowell,
'but Simon claims he wasn't the cause of the problems.'
It had just gone one o'clock, uh, and I'd come out of here,
which I'd gone into to, um, urinate,
uh, and I hear this rattling coming from outside.
So I get my phone out to record it for evidence
and see this human man
dressed in a kind of, er, batman costume.
'Who's the man? Who is the man? Me, the Daddy King!'
So I immediately think, "Prat-man".
And that's when I heard the crack...
CRACK
..and then another crack... CRACK
..and then the bang.
BANG
Argh, Cardi, sweetie! Me leg's stuck.
It might be sprained! I don't know!
'Tyson's weight
'meant he'd accidentally made a hole in the roof of Simon's garage.'
Fantastic, so now my garage roof leaked.
I've had power tools ruined in there because of "Prat-man".
I were getting the kids' shuttlecock off the roof,
I hold my hands up about that, I admit it.
Eo-ow!
And then he started banging on about his wet patch.
'The hole in the garage roof, according to Simon,
'was letting in water.'
This was all wet, and also this here.
Uh, this was all wet, that was all wet,
uh, my tools were... sodden.
I could have been electrocuted.
I mean, come on,
are we really going to talk about wet?
That is not a wet patch, that's just damp,
that ain't no wet ass wall!
I know wet, trust me, heh-heh-heh!
'With tensions rising, Cardi installed a CCTV camera.'
I knew this guy is trouble, but the police, they wanted proof,
so I invested into a motion sensor camera and if it moves,
this thing records his movement,
and we had some of those, heh-heh-heh!
'It was a hot day,
'but there was no need for Simon to be wearing just shorts.'
About two inches of butt cleavage in broad daylight. Ugh!
'And then Simon gets up and starts strutting up and down the driveway
'saying, "I'm an underwear model on the catwalk." '
Like some sort of a mentalist.
It was a hot day and I was on my own property.
So, I've come out into the driveway
and the big dosser's prancing up and down the boundary
in front of my missus like a peacock
and I thought to meself, "Hang on, mush,
"I'm not having it no more, not happening."
So what did you do? What happened?
Do you know what? Something just-just snapped.
So I've stepped into the garage
and I've grabbed the very first thing what I can get my hands on.
And what was it?
A jet washer.
He absolutely shit it. He shit a brick.
I felt like a Spartan to be honest with you.
But the funny thing was,
that the thing wasn't even plugged in
and he didn't even know it.
Mind you, neither did I.
CARDI SNICKERS
'One year later, Tyson and Cardi still live next door to Simon.
'They've put their house on the market
'and are waiting to leave the area.'
We just want Simon and his Capris and his ass crack
out of our lives. Out of our lives.
SIMON REVS ENGINE
'Back in South London, over a period of six months,
'Harry Kane and Stormzy's relationship
'had gone from civil to worse.
'With tensions rising, landlord Gal Gadot,
'had to get involved when things turned physical.'
I was made aware of the damage to the floor and the ceiling,
but both tenants made repairments, so... I was satisfied.
But then, imagine me hearing
there was a violent altercation in the hallway.
Imagine.
I had to act.
OK, so, I'm coming home from the pet shop, yeah,
and I put my bike there, and then Harry Kane's come out
and told me to put my bike over there.
But I don't wanna put my bike over there,
I always leave it here.
So he's come out and start pushing the bike towards me,
like he's gonna put it over where HE wants it,
and I'm like, "No bro, I wanna leave my bike here."
So he's pushing it, I said, "Please, bruv,
"can I leave my bike here?"
I don't know what his problem is, I don't, I don't.
So I'm pushing like this.
GRUNTS
He's pushing back and it is getting quite close to my penis.
'I'm leaving my bike here, and I've always left my bike here.'
I didn't want the bike there because the pedals stick out,
and they catch my shins when I go into the door to my flat.
If-If I've gotta take a bag of rubbish out, it's a nightmare,
so, yeah, I-I was pushing the bike, but he was pushing just as hard.
'Unknown to Harry and Stormzy,
'at that very moment,
landlord Gal Gadot was arriving at the property
'to check on another flat within the block.'
I enter and I see Harry and Stormzy
wrestling with a drop handle racing bike -
and I thought -
"This has got to stop."
GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
So I put my hands on my hip and I said,
"Guys, stop."
And they did.
She came in like a...
like a hero.
I was at my lowest ebb.
I banged my toe nail proper hard
and the doctor said I'll be out for a week.
Like... I can still feel that, actually.
'Two weeks later
'a solution was found to solve the warring neighbours.'
We swapped flats.
Gal suggested it and it solved all our problems.
I love my new flat.
I've always wanted wooden floors,
but I didn't think I could afford them, but now I can.