1
00:00:14,003 --> 00:00:17,523
'In the UK today
one in five people

2
00:00:17,523 --> 00:00:19,003
'have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

3
00:00:19,003 --> 00:00:21,003
I am working from home!

4
00:00:21,003 --> 00:00:23,363
'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

5
00:00:23,363 --> 00:00:26,003
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

6
00:00:26,003 --> 00:00:29,683
'..into war zones,
and Victorian terraces...'

7
00:00:29,683 --> 00:00:33,003
These lights need to be taken down
this year!

8
00:00:33,003 --> 00:00:34,683
'..into battle grounds.

9
00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:38,003
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.'

10
00:00:41,843 --> 00:00:44,003
'Dunkeswell, Devon.

11
00:00:44,003 --> 00:00:49,003
'Newlyweds Cardi B and Tyson Fury
moved here four years ago,

12
00:00:49,003 --> 00:00:51,003
'looking for a simple life away

13
00:00:51,003 --> 00:00:53,003
'from the hustle and bustle
of the city.

14
00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:56,003
It were meant to be
our forever home, you know,

15
00:00:56,003 --> 00:00:58,003
nice garden, not too big,

16
00:00:58,003 --> 00:01:00,003
enough room
for a little sing song.

17
00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:03,363
And IN the rolling hills
of Duhvon, okurrr!

18
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:06,003
Devon. She meant Devon.

19
00:01:06,003 --> 00:01:09,003
'But trouble was about to arrive
on their doorstep,

20
00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:12,003
'in the shape of their
next door neighbour Simon Cowell.'

21
00:01:15,003 --> 00:01:17,003
And then I opened the door
and Simon says,

22
00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:20,523
"You put your bin bag out
on the wrong day

23
00:01:20,523 --> 00:01:23,003
"and that encourages rats."

24
00:01:23,003 --> 00:01:27,003
Where we used to live, the bins
got took out every other Wednesday,

25
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:29,003
so it's an easy mistake to make it,
in't it?

26
00:01:29,003 --> 00:01:33,003
And then Simon was really rude
and called me a blow-in.

27
00:01:34,843 --> 00:01:36,843
Do you know what a blow-in is?

28
00:01:36,843 --> 00:01:39,003
Blow-in is a derogatory term

29
00:01:39,003 --> 00:01:41,683
to classify anybody
what's not born in the locality.

30
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:46,003
It were very, very hurtful language,
wasn't it, sweetie?

31
00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:48,003
Mm-hmm.

32
00:01:48,003 --> 00:01:52,003
'But this was only the start
of an ongoing battle

33
00:01:52,003 --> 00:01:53,843
'that would last over a year

34
00:01:53,843 --> 00:01:57,003
'with their next door neighbour
Simon Cowell.'

35
00:01:58,003 --> 00:02:01,003
Now then, where are we?

36
00:02:03,003 --> 00:02:06,003
I've never had, um,
a south facing garden before,

37
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:08,003
and I absolutely love
home-grown strawberries,

38
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:11,003
so I were keen
to make the most of the summer,

39
00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:14,003
but it's a very clay type soil,
you see,

40
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:17,003
so I had to have some sand delivered
for the drainage.

41
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:20,003
So I were working the spade
as I do,

42
00:02:20,003 --> 00:02:22,003
seven days a week
and twice on a Sunday,

43
00:02:22,003 --> 00:02:25,003
and I never heard the lorry
delivering the bags.

44
00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:27,003
REVERSE ALARM BLARES

45
00:02:28,843 --> 00:02:31,003
Couldn't hear anything,
couldn't hear a thing.

46
00:02:31,003 --> 00:02:32,363
ALARM CONTINUES

47
00:02:33,523 --> 00:02:37,003
So, I've come out here
and the useless pack of bums

48
00:02:37,003 --> 00:02:38,043
have put it right there

49
00:02:38,043 --> 00:02:40,203
bang in the middle
of the driveways.

50
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,003
Two ton total.

51
00:02:43,003 --> 00:02:45,003
Simon weren't happy.

52
00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:48,003
And then he started shouting,
"It's on my side.

53
00:02:48,003 --> 00:02:50,003
"You're on my side!"

54
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,203
And then he stood two legs apart

55
00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:54,683
and then he started pointing
to each side of the driveway

56
00:02:54,683 --> 00:02:58,003
like, "Err,
you're on my side, your side,

57
00:02:58,003 --> 00:02:59,003
"my side, your side,

58
00:02:59,003 --> 00:03:04,003
"Err-err-err-err-err-err-rr-rr!"

59
00:03:04,003 --> 00:03:07,003
Like, forever.

60
00:03:07,003 --> 00:03:09,003
He were aggressive,
you know, and...

61
00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:12,003
and his neck
looked all tense and that,

62
00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:14,683
like he'd had a few too many
sambucas and was ready for a scrap.

63
00:03:15,843 --> 00:03:18,003
I were absolutely petrified,
I really was.

64
00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:20,003
And I tell you something -

65
00:03:20,003 --> 00:03:22,003
I don't care whether you're
built like a brick shit house,

66
00:03:22,003 --> 00:03:25,003
or whether you've got balls
the size of King Kong and Godzilla

67
00:03:25,003 --> 00:03:28,003
wrapped into one,
there ain't a man born to his mother

68
00:03:28,003 --> 00:03:31,003
whose arsehole wouldn't go
in that situation.

69
00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:33,003
And my arsehole went.

70
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:37,003
In fact, it did a marathon
down the street and never returned.

71
00:03:37,003 --> 00:03:39,003
'That night the couple went to bed

72
00:03:39,003 --> 00:03:42,003
'hoping that things
would be better the next day.

73
00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:47,003
'But the following morning,
battle lines were drawn...

74
00:03:47,003 --> 00:03:48,043
'literally.

75
00:03:53,003 --> 00:03:57,003
'Simon had painted a boundary line
between the two properties.'

76
00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,003
The line were all wobbly, you know.

77
00:03:59,003 --> 00:04:00,043
I tell you what it looked like,

78
00:04:00,043 --> 00:04:03,363
it looked like
a drunk seagull with the shits

79
00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:06,003
had flown up and down the driveway,
going up and down shitting,

80
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:07,003
shitting, up and down,

81
00:04:07,003 --> 00:04:08,683
shitting.

82
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:10,363
'Coming up...

83
00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:14,003
'Simon's painting skills
has Tyson seething.'

84
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,203
He stole three grand's worth
of land off of me.

85
00:04:17,203 --> 00:04:19,003
Eh-eh!

86
00:04:28,683 --> 00:04:32,003
'Across the country,
in the London suburb of Kidbrooke,

87
00:04:32,003 --> 00:04:35,043
'sous chef Harry Kane,
finally secured his dream move

88
00:04:35,043 --> 00:04:37,003
'from north to south London

89
00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:41,003
'and he told us about the special
deal he had with his landlady.'

90
00:04:42,003 --> 00:04:43,523
Yeah, no, I feel very lucky.

91
00:04:43,523 --> 00:04:46,003
I've got a very good relationship
with my landlady,

92
00:04:46,003 --> 00:04:48,003
you know,
she gives me reduced rent

93
00:04:48,003 --> 00:04:50,003
and in return I sort out the flat.

94
00:04:50,003 --> 00:04:55,003
Er, decorating, tiling,
grouting, wallpapering,

95
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:59,003
carpets, windows, cupboards,
doors, sinks...

96
00:05:01,003 --> 00:05:03,003
..shelves.
Skimmed that wall, er doors,

97
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,003
dipped them and stripped 'em.

98
00:05:05,003 --> 00:05:08,003
Er, skimmed that wall twice,
had to do the double.

99
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:11,843
Er, it's probably in the top
four places I've ever lived,

100
00:05:11,843 --> 00:05:14,003
actually, yeah, I didn't wanna move,

101
00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:18,043
I just wanted to work hard
and keep my place in the flat.

102
00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:22,523
'Harry's proudest achievement
at the property was his patio.'

103
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:28,003
Look at that, perfect,
not even any dust either, magic.

104
00:05:28,003 --> 00:05:31,003
'But then one day,
the patio came under attack.'

105
00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:34,363
I was drying up in there,
and I heard this bang,

106
00:05:34,363 --> 00:05:37,003
so I go over to the back door
and opened it up.

107
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:42,003
I've come out, I've looked down
and one of my patio tiles is cracked

108
00:05:42,003 --> 00:05:43,003
with an iron next to it.

109
00:05:45,003 --> 00:05:46,003
You don't need to be a genius

110
00:05:46,003 --> 00:05:49,843
to work out that
that iron cracked my patio tile...

111
00:05:51,003 --> 00:05:54,003
..and it had to have come
from the neighbour upstairs.

112
00:05:57,683 --> 00:06:00,003
'But despite repeated attempts
to make contact...'

113
00:06:00,003 --> 00:06:01,523
HEAVY BANGING

114
00:06:01,523 --> 00:06:04,003
'..nobody answered
the door upstairs.

115
00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:07,003
I bang the door like that,
he's pretending he didn't hear me,

116
00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:09,523
he didn't...
L-Listen! Listen to that.

117
00:06:09,523 --> 00:06:13,003
THUDDING
You can hear that, it's really loud.

118
00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,043
The knocker as well, look...

119
00:06:14,043 --> 00:06:16,003
RATTLY TAPPING

120
00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:18,003
..it's louder with the hand.
DULL BANG

121
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,003
Nothing. That's... It's... What...

122
00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:22,003
If anything it's what
annoyed me more.

123
00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:26,003
'So Harry looked for
a replacement tile,

124
00:06:26,003 --> 00:06:28,363
'but sadly
it had been discontinued.'

125
00:06:28,363 --> 00:06:31,843
I searched everywhere -

126
00:06:31,843 --> 00:06:34,683
internet, forums...

127
00:06:34,683 --> 00:06:36,003
my builder mates.

128
00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:40,003
I even drove to a specialist place
in Burnley one cold Wednesday night,

129
00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:42,003
no result.

130
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:45,003
That's when I decided to go direct
down the legal route.

131
00:06:46,003 --> 00:06:48,003
'Harry instructed a solicitor

132
00:06:48,003 --> 00:06:51,003
'to inform his neighbour
that they were responsible

133
00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:54,003
'for the cost
of an entirely new patio.

134
00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:59,003
'Harry's upstairs neighbour,
and reptile collector, Stormzy,

135
00:06:59,003 --> 00:07:02,003
'wanted to give us
his side of events.'

136
00:07:02,003 --> 00:07:04,003
To be honest,
we'd only actually exchanged hellos

137
00:07:04,003 --> 00:07:06,003
on the stairs before that.

138
00:07:06,003 --> 00:07:09,003
Kind of a nice guy,
smiley but not too chatty,

139
00:07:09,003 --> 00:07:12,003
so when I got the letter
through the door,

140
00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:13,363
I couldn't believe my eyes, like.

141
00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:16,683
"Dear, Stormzy,

142
00:07:16,683 --> 00:07:20,003
"as the resident of Flat 19,
it is your responsibility

143
00:07:20,003 --> 00:07:27,003
"to see that no items from your
balcony fall, the height is tall.

144
00:07:27,003 --> 00:07:31,523
"We have been made aware that there
was an item in your possession

145
00:07:31,523 --> 00:07:34,003
"that fell on Harry Kane's patio."

146
00:07:34,003 --> 00:07:37,003
And then some legal nonsense
down the bottom.

147
00:07:37,003 --> 00:07:40,003
I don't even know what that is,
but, yeah, I hold my hands up.

148
00:07:40,003 --> 00:07:41,363
I do hold my hands up.

149
00:07:41,363 --> 00:07:46,003
I did put my iron on the balcony
to cool off, and it fell off.

150
00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:48,003
But I did say
I was gonna get it sorted out.

151
00:07:48,003 --> 00:07:51,003
So why didn't you
answer the door

152
00:07:51,003 --> 00:07:54,003
when he first came up to tell you
about the crack in the tile?

153
00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:56,363
Well... the truth is...

154
00:07:57,683 --> 00:07:59,003
..like, he did come
banging on the door

155
00:07:59,003 --> 00:08:00,523
and I was scared.

156
00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:06,003
Like, imagine getting that, like,
proper knocking on the door,

157
00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:07,683
proper BANGIN'.

158
00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:14,003
BANGING

159
00:08:15,363 --> 00:08:17,003
I was properly shitting myself.

160
00:08:18,003 --> 00:08:21,003
Basically,
the iron was up there,

161
00:08:21,003 --> 00:08:22,003
and then must have fallen off,
innit,

162
00:08:22,003 --> 00:08:28,003
and then came down and then ended up
smashing the tile, so...

163
00:08:28,003 --> 00:08:30,003
I don't know
what you want me to say, like,

164
00:08:30,003 --> 00:08:31,003
it is what it is.

165
00:08:31,003 --> 00:08:33,003
OK, so, if you look here...

166
00:08:34,363 --> 00:08:36,003
..I found a tile in Italy,

167
00:08:36,003 --> 00:08:41,003
yeah, I got it shipped over
and I was gonna lay it for him, too.

168
00:08:42,363 --> 00:08:46,003
Innit, Loose Chocolate?
Say nuttin', fam.

169
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:48,043
'Coming up...

170
00:08:48,043 --> 00:08:52,003
'push comes to shove,
when things get violent.

171
00:08:59,523 --> 00:09:01,003
'Back in Dunkeswell,

172
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:05,523
'Cardi and Tyson woke up to
find a new addition to the property.

173
00:09:05,523 --> 00:09:10,003
The line was so wobbly
that it encroached onto our side

174
00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:13,523
and that meant that we'd lost land,
didn't it, sweetie?

175
00:09:13,523 --> 00:09:16,003
Land grab. Okurrr.

176
00:09:16,003 --> 00:09:20,003
'So, I'd done some calculations
based on the square yardage

177
00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:21,043
'of the property's value,

178
00:09:21,043 --> 00:09:24,003
'then I compared it
with the property market index

179
00:09:24,003 --> 00:09:26,523
'of when we bought the thing
in 2018.'

180
00:09:26,523 --> 00:09:30,003
And I worked out that with
all the wobbles added up together,

181
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:33,003
he stole three grand's worth of land
off of me.

182
00:09:33,003 --> 00:09:35,003
Eeh-eeh!

183
00:09:35,003 --> 00:09:37,683
Now, I don't care
whether you're stupid or what,

184
00:09:37,683 --> 00:09:39,003
there ain't a man
walking God's planet

185
00:09:39,003 --> 00:09:41,003
who can't see this for what it is.

186
00:09:41,003 --> 00:09:43,003
Mm-mhm!

187
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:50,523
'Next door neighbour Simon Cowell,
a specialist mechanic,

188
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,003
'has lived her for seven years,

189
00:09:52,003 --> 00:09:56,003
'working from home
restoring classic cars.'

190
00:09:56,003 --> 00:10:01,003
I am the man you come to see
if you've got a Capri.

191
00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:05,843
Capri, Capri,

192
00:10:05,843 --> 00:10:07,003
rare Capri,

193
00:10:07,003 --> 00:10:10,003
er, they had Escorts.

194
00:10:10,003 --> 00:10:12,003
It seems
you and your neighbours

195
00:10:12,003 --> 00:10:15,003
started out on the wrong foot.
Could you tell us what happened?

196
00:10:15,003 --> 00:10:17,003
Er, so I told Cardi and Tyson

197
00:10:17,003 --> 00:10:19,003
their wheelie bin's in my way

198
00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:22,363
and then I get two tons of dirt
dumped on my driveway.

199
00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:25,003
Good start to the relationship.

200
00:10:25,003 --> 00:10:27,003
It's a no from me.

201
00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:33,003
I mean, yes, the line I painted
could have been straighter,

202
00:10:33,003 --> 00:10:36,003
but their solution
was an absolute joke.

203
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:39,843
It was a half-arsed job
with a jet washer

204
00:10:39,843 --> 00:10:44,003
that left a gigantic zig zag line
all over my brickwork.

205
00:10:44,003 --> 00:10:46,683
Amateur level stuff.

206
00:10:46,683 --> 00:10:48,003
'Coming up...

207
00:10:48,003 --> 00:10:50,363
'Tyson down, but not out.'

208
00:10:50,363 --> 00:10:54,003
Argh, Cardi, sweetie!
Me leg's stuck.

209
00:11:03,003 --> 00:11:04,043
'Back in south London,

210
00:11:04,043 --> 00:11:08,003
'Stormzy thought he had a solution
to his neighbour's cracked tile,

211
00:11:08,003 --> 00:11:11,003
'when he had a replacement
sent over from Italy.'

212
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,003
I wanted to put things right,

213
00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:16,003
so I decided to lay the new tile
as a surprise.

214
00:11:18,003 --> 00:11:22,003
'Stormzy replaced the tile himself,
but something wasn't quite right.'

215
00:11:23,843 --> 00:11:25,203
It was the wrong tile.

216
00:11:27,003 --> 00:11:28,003
It was a rubbish substitution,

217
00:11:28,003 --> 00:11:33,003
it's a completely different shade
and very slightly smaller.

218
00:11:33,003 --> 00:11:38,003
'As far as Stormzy was concerned
the complete debt had been repaid.

219
00:11:38,003 --> 00:11:41,003
'But Harry was furious
and contacted the letting agent

220
00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:43,003
'who looked after both flats.

221
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:45,843
'With over 15 years' experience

222
00:11:45,843 --> 00:11:48,843
'and just over 40 properties
to manage locally,

223
00:11:48,843 --> 00:11:53,003
'Gal Gadot had a no-nonsense
approach to conflict resolution.'

224
00:11:54,003 --> 00:11:58,003
Obviously it's not great
when tenants lock horns, but...

225
00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:01,003
..I inspected the property

226
00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:05,003
and was satisfied
with Stormzy's replacement tile.

227
00:12:05,003 --> 00:12:10,003
As far as I was concerned,
he had done a good job.

228
00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:12,003
'Stormzy felt the same way,

229
00:12:12,003 --> 00:12:16,003
'but claims Harry's behaviour
suddenly changed.'

230
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:18,203
Yeah, like,
he started leaving notes for me,

231
00:12:18,203 --> 00:12:20,843
telling me off for things,

232
00:12:20,843 --> 00:12:23,003
and he kept going

233
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:25,003
and going,

234
00:12:25,003 --> 00:12:26,003
and going...

235
00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:29,363
..and he kept going.

236
00:12:29,363 --> 00:12:31,003
It was a bombardment on my brain.

237
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,003
As you can see right here,

238
00:12:35,003 --> 00:12:38,003
this is only two weeks' worth
of messages

239
00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:40,363
from Harry Kane, from downstairs.

240
00:12:40,363 --> 00:12:43,003
Look at this,
that is swearing in my book,

241
00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:44,043
"Bugger off."

242
00:12:44,043 --> 00:12:49,003
'In total, Harry left
158 Post-It notes for Stormzy.'

243
00:12:49,003 --> 00:12:51,003
The guy's obviously lost the plot.

244
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:54,003
Yeah, no, obviously,
I was within my rights

245
00:12:54,003 --> 00:12:56,003
to put Post-It notes on the wall.

246
00:12:56,003 --> 00:13:00,003
None of them were rude, obviously,
they-they were just direct,

247
00:13:00,003 --> 00:13:02,003
but Stormzy
obviously had a problem with that

248
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:06,003
and then that's when
the banging started, obviously.

249
00:13:06,003 --> 00:13:07,003
DULL THUD FROM ABOVE

250
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:09,003
Constant footsteps!

251
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,003
I could hear him in the bedroom,
in the toilet.

252
00:13:11,003 --> 00:13:13,003
And when I brought it up with him

253
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:14,003
he just said
he got rid of the carpets

254
00:13:14,003 --> 00:13:16,003
cos he prefers the floorboards.

255
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:18,003
The noise was deafening.

256
00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:20,003
This is all I was doing.

257
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:24,683
Like this.

258
00:13:24,683 --> 00:13:28,003
Does he really expect me
to walk around my own house like...

259
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:31,003
..like this?

260
00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:33,003
Like, every time I'm walking

261
00:13:33,003 --> 00:13:35,003
I could hear banging
from downstairs.

262
00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:38,203
'The noisy neighbours' battle
continued for a number of weeks

263
00:13:38,203 --> 00:13:41,003
'until finally
things came to a head.'

264
00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:42,523
Eventually, I had enough.

265
00:13:42,523 --> 00:13:45,003
I just said, "Do you know what?
Shut up!"

266
00:13:45,003 --> 00:13:48,043
But then the banging kept going.

267
00:13:48,043 --> 00:13:50,523
So I'm going, "Shut up" again.

268
00:13:50,523 --> 00:13:54,003
And then, I swear
I heard him call me a name.

269
00:13:54,003 --> 00:13:57,003
Bellend!
So I'm going, "Shut up!"

270
00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:02,003
I look down and I put my foot
through the floorboard.

271
00:14:04,003 --> 00:14:07,003
'Now Stormzy was looking at losing
his security deposit

272
00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:10,003
'for the damage to the floor,
but he wasn't the only one.'

273
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:13,003
And you ended up
doing damage to your own flat.

274
00:14:13,003 --> 00:14:14,003
How did that happen?

275
00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:16,683
Er, I done it with a ladle
from work.

276
00:14:19,003 --> 00:14:21,003
Bang, bang, bang.

277
00:14:22,523 --> 00:14:27,003
'Coming up...
a surprise visitor enters the fray.'

278
00:14:27,003 --> 00:14:29,003
She came in like a...

279
00:14:29,003 --> 00:14:30,523
like a hero.

280
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:37,003
'In Dunkeswell, Devon,

281
00:14:37,003 --> 00:14:40,003
'Tyson and Cardi
were in a boundary dispute

282
00:14:40,003 --> 00:14:42,003
with their next-door neighbour
Simon Cowell,

283
00:14:42,003 --> 00:14:45,003
'but Simon claims he
wasn't the cause of the problems.'

284
00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:48,003
It had just gone one o'clock, uh,
and I'd come out of here,

285
00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:51,003
which I'd gone into to, um, urinate,

286
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:56,003
uh, and I hear this rattling
coming from outside.

287
00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:59,003
So I get my phone out
to record it for evidence

288
00:14:59,003 --> 00:15:02,203
and see this human man

289
00:15:02,203 --> 00:15:06,003
dressed in a kind of, er,
batman costume.

290
00:15:06,003 --> 00:15:11,003
'Who's the man?
Who is the man? Me, the Daddy King!'

291
00:15:11,003 --> 00:15:13,043
So I immediately think, "Prat-man".

292
00:15:14,363 --> 00:15:17,003
And that's when I heard the crack...

293
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:18,003
CRACK

294
00:15:18,003 --> 00:15:22,003
..and then another crack...
CRACK

295
00:15:22,003 --> 00:15:23,003
..and then the bang.

296
00:15:23,003 --> 00:15:24,003
BANG

297
00:15:24,003 --> 00:15:27,043
Argh, Cardi, sweetie!
Me leg's stuck.

298
00:15:27,043 --> 00:15:30,003
It might be sprained!
I don't know!

299
00:15:30,003 --> 00:15:31,003
'Tyson's weight

300
00:15:31,003 --> 00:15:36,003
'meant he'd accidentally made a hole
in the roof of Simon's garage.'

301
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:40,363
Fantastic,
so now my garage roof leaked.

302
00:15:40,363 --> 00:15:43,843
I've had power tools ruined
in there because of "Prat-man".

303
00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:47,003
I were getting the kids'
shuttlecock off the roof,

304
00:15:47,003 --> 00:15:48,683
I hold my hands up about that,
I admit it.

305
00:15:48,683 --> 00:15:51,003
Eo-ow!

306
00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:54,003
And then he started
banging on about his wet patch.

307
00:15:54,003 --> 00:15:57,043
'The hole in the garage roof,
according to Simon,

308
00:15:57,043 --> 00:16:00,003
'was letting in water.'

309
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:03,003
This was all wet,
and also this here.

310
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:05,843
Uh, this was all wet,
that was all wet,

311
00:16:05,843 --> 00:16:09,003
uh, my tools were... sodden.

312
00:16:10,843 --> 00:16:12,003
I could have been electrocuted.

313
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:13,203
I mean, come on,

314
00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:16,003
are we really going to
talk about wet?

315
00:16:16,003 --> 00:16:19,003
That is not a wet patch,
that's just damp,

316
00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:21,003
that ain't no wet ass wall!

317
00:16:21,003 --> 00:16:24,003
I know wet, trust me,
heh-heh-heh!

318
00:16:25,003 --> 00:16:29,003
'With tensions rising,
Cardi installed a CCTV camera.'

319
00:16:29,003 --> 00:16:35,003
I knew this guy is trouble,
but the police, they wanted proof,

320
00:16:35,003 --> 00:16:40,003
so I invested into a motion
sensor camera and if it moves,

321
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:42,003
this thing records his movement,

322
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:46,003
and we had some of those,
heh-heh-heh!

323
00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:49,683
'It was a hot day,

324
00:16:49,683 --> 00:16:53,043
'but there was no need for Simon
to be wearing just shorts.'

325
00:16:55,003 --> 00:16:59,523
About two inches of butt cleavage
in broad daylight. Ugh!

326
00:16:59,523 --> 00:17:04,003
'And then Simon gets up and starts
strutting up and down the driveway

327
00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:08,003
'saying, "I'm an underwear model
on the catwalk." '

328
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:09,003
Like some sort of a mentalist.

329
00:17:11,003 --> 00:17:13,203
It was a hot day
and I was on my own property.

330
00:17:16,003 --> 00:17:18,003
So, I've come out into the driveway

331
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,523
and the big dosser's
prancing up and down the boundary

332
00:17:20,523 --> 00:17:23,003
in front of my missus like a peacock

333
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:26,003
and I thought to meself,
"Hang on, mush,

334
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,003
"I'm not having it no more,
not happening."

335
00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:30,683
So what did you do?
What happened?

336
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,003
Do you know what?
Something just-just snapped.

337
00:17:33,003 --> 00:17:35,003
So I've stepped into the garage

338
00:17:35,003 --> 00:17:38,003
and I've grabbed the very first
thing what I can get my hands on.

339
00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:39,683
And what was it?

340
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:42,003
A jet washer.

341
00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:48,003
He absolutely shit it.
He shit a brick.

342
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:52,043
I felt like a Spartan
to be honest with you.

343
00:17:55,003 --> 00:17:56,003
But the funny thing was,

344
00:17:56,003 --> 00:17:58,003
that the thing wasn't even
plugged in

345
00:17:58,003 --> 00:17:59,003
and he didn't even know it.

346
00:18:01,003 --> 00:18:03,003
Mind you, neither did I.

347
00:18:03,003 --> 00:18:05,003
CARDI SNICKERS

348
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:13,843
'One year later, Tyson and Cardi
still live next door to Simon.

349
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:16,003
'They've put their house
on the market

350
00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:18,683
'and are waiting to leave the area.'

351
00:18:18,683 --> 00:18:23,003
We just want Simon and his Capris
and his ass crack

352
00:18:23,003 --> 00:18:25,003
out of our lives.
Out of our lives.

353
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:30,003
SIMON REVS ENGINE

354
00:18:34,003 --> 00:18:37,003
'Back in South London,
over a period of six months,

355
00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:39,003
'Harry Kane
and Stormzy's relationship

356
00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:41,363
'had gone from civil to worse.

357
00:18:41,363 --> 00:18:44,683
'With tensions rising,
landlord Gal Gadot,

358
00:18:44,683 --> 00:18:48,003
'had to get involved
when things turned physical.'

359
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:53,003
I was made aware of the damage
to the floor and the ceiling,

360
00:18:53,003 --> 00:18:59,043
but both tenants made repairments,
so... I was satisfied.

361
00:18:59,043 --> 00:19:03,683
But then, imagine me hearing

362
00:19:03,683 --> 00:19:08,003
there was a violent altercation
in the hallway.

363
00:19:09,003 --> 00:19:11,003
Imagine.

364
00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:13,363
I had to act.

365
00:19:15,203 --> 00:19:19,003
OK, so, I'm coming home
from the pet shop, yeah,

366
00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:22,003
and I put my bike there,
and then Harry Kane's come out

367
00:19:22,003 --> 00:19:25,003
and told me
to put my bike over there.

368
00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:27,003
But I don't wanna
put my bike over there,

369
00:19:27,003 --> 00:19:29,003
I always leave it here.

370
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:32,203
So he's come out and start
pushing the bike towards me,

371
00:19:32,203 --> 00:19:35,043
like he's gonna put it over
where HE wants it,

372
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:38,003
and I'm like, "No bro,
I wanna leave my bike here."

373
00:19:38,003 --> 00:19:40,003
So he's pushing it, I said,
"Please, bruv,

374
00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:42,043
"can I leave my bike here?"

375
00:19:42,043 --> 00:19:45,523
I don't know what his problem is,
I don't, I don't.

376
00:19:45,523 --> 00:19:47,003
So I'm pushing like this.

377
00:19:47,003 --> 00:19:49,003
GRUNTS

378
00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:58,003
He's pushing back and it is
getting quite close to my penis.

379
00:20:00,003 --> 00:20:02,043
'I'm leaving my bike here,
and I've always left my bike here.'

380
00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:07,003
I didn't want the bike there
because the pedals stick out,

381
00:20:07,003 --> 00:20:10,683
and they catch my shins
when I go into the door to my flat.

382
00:20:10,683 --> 00:20:14,003
If-If I've gotta take a bag
of rubbish out, it's a nightmare,

383
00:20:14,003 --> 00:20:19,003
so, yeah, I-I was pushing the bike,
but he was pushing just as hard.

384
00:20:20,203 --> 00:20:22,003
'Unknown to Harry and Stormzy,

385
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:24,003
'at that very moment,

386
00:20:24,003 --> 00:20:27,003
landlord Gal Gadot
was arriving at the property

387
00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:30,003
'to check on another flat
within the block.'

388
00:20:30,003 --> 00:20:34,003
I enter and I see
Harry and Stormzy

389
00:20:34,003 --> 00:20:39,003
wrestling with
a drop handle racing bike -

390
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:41,683
and I thought -

391
00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:44,003
"This has got to stop."

392
00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:46,003
GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

393
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:49,843
So I put my hands on my hip
and I said,

394
00:20:49,843 --> 00:20:52,003
"Guys, stop."

395
00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:54,043
And they did.

396
00:20:57,003 --> 00:20:59,003
She came in like a...

397
00:20:59,003 --> 00:21:01,003
like a hero.

398
00:21:03,003 --> 00:21:05,003
I was at my lowest ebb.

399
00:21:06,683 --> 00:21:09,843
I banged my toe nail proper hard

400
00:21:09,843 --> 00:21:12,523
and the doctor said
I'll be out for a week.

401
00:21:12,523 --> 00:21:15,203
Like...
I can still feel that, actually.

402
00:21:19,043 --> 00:21:21,003
'Two weeks later

403
00:21:21,003 --> 00:21:24,003
'a solution was found
to solve the warring neighbours.'

404
00:21:27,003 --> 00:21:29,003
We swapped flats.

405
00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:31,843
Gal suggested it
and it solved all our problems.

406
00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:35,363
I love my new flat.

407
00:21:35,363 --> 00:21:37,003
I've always wanted wooden floors,

408
00:21:37,003 --> 00:21:40,523
but I didn't think
I could afford them, but now I can.