'In the UK today one in five people
'have a dispute with their neighbour.'
I am working from home!
'These escalate...' He threw the first one!
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...' Shut up!
'..into war zones, and Victorian terraces...'
These lights need to be taken down this year!
'..into battle grounds.
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.
'The Isle of Wight,
'where youth worker Olivia Colman and her husband Jay-Z,
'a mature student and line dancing enthusiast,
'found their forever home
'and before long had added to their family.'
We decided we had to have you, didn't we, JJ?
Yup, that's right. Absolutely.
And we called him Cabbage, which was fun.
I love you, Cabbage. Hello.
Although there were other names on the table,
I, myself, liked Derek.
But, er, we chose Cabbage cos it was the best one, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah... she right.
LAUGHS WEAKLY You're right.
'But things soon took a worrying turn,
'as Olivia noticed Cabbage was rarely at home.'
Yes, I was really worried.
You see, I lost a cat as a child
and I was worried it was happening all over again.
It was actually quite a few nights a week of worry.
Yeah, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, it's like clockwork.
Very strange, very strange.
'Concerned for Cabbage's safety,
'Olivia went out looking for him one evening.'
Cabbage! Cabbage!
I was walking up and down like this and I was shouting his name,
"Cabbage! Cabbage!"
"Where are you, boy?" "Cabbage?"
"Yo, C, come back, man."
And-And then I just hear, a, "Ksk-ksk-ksk-ksk.
"Here, Gianni", and-and then I peer over the fence and I,
and-and, ah... and then I just see Cabbage
being tempted with treats by our next door neighbour.
That's right. Here, Gianni.
Yeah. He was coaxing the cat mentally like, he was coerced.
I knew he was trying to steal our cat.
Do you want a treat? Good boy.
It happens a lot in this area, more often than you'd think.
There we are.
And that's attempted kidnap!
And we got him on camera.
Evidence, baby.
'But next door neighbour,
'estate agent Tom Hiddleston,
'strenuously denies committing any kind of crime.'
I was just being friendly to a cat.
I wasn't doing anything legally wrong.
Then this hugely passive aggressive woman
starts saying I'm some kind of cat burglar.
She's ruining the neighbourhood, crazy cat lady,
walking around shouting, "Cabbage!"
No wonder prices are plummeting.
'Coming up...
'The police get involved.'
Please, just stop this man trying to steal my cat!
CSO SMITH: All right, ma'am.
'From the troubling times
'in the secluded beauty of the Isle of Wight,
'to the beauty of the Cotswolds -
'an idyllic haven of peace and tranquillity.
'When Andy Murray and his mum, Lorraine Kelly,
'relocated from Wimbledon to this sleepy little village,
'they were blissfully unaware the nightmare that was about to unfold.'
Andy had recently qualified as a nurse
and I was so proud of him, but the commute was quite long
so I decided we better move
just so Andy could be closer to the hospital.
I'd had some good times in Wimbledon,
but my mum was right,
as she always is.
'But there was trouble ahead for Lorraine -
'an experienced tattoo artist -
'who had recently made the decision to work from home full-time.'
Ooh, this is looking quite nice. It's quite good that.
'And this created tension with their neighbour
'who would like to keep his identity a secret.'
Well, things started going a wee bit backwards
when he applied for planning permission
for a bloody massive window that's overlooking my property.
As you can see, the proposed window would look directly into that room
where Mum has her tattoo studio
and some of her clients have to get their privates out...
..depending on where the tattoos are on their body.
'Andy and his mum objected to the plans
'on the grounds of privacy and contacted the local council.'
We didnae want to make enemies of him, but that windae
was an uncompromising breach of our privacy.
'But as soon as Lorraine submitted the objection,
'the peace and quiet of their country life
'was suddenly shattered.'
COCKEREL CROWS
CALL ECHOES
Suddenly this cockerel appears next door
waking us up at stupid o'clock.
Andy works nights as a nurse
and he couldn't get to sleep after his night shift.
Because of the cockerel.
CROWS
I'm convinced he got that cockerel to annoy us
just because that window never got any planning permission.
He's always had chickens, but the cockerel,
it was just non-stop noise pollution,
so I wrote a polite note asking if he would consider
keeping the cockerel in the chicken house
for just an extra hour in the morning.
Och aye, just so he could get to sleep, the poor wee thing.
Next thing I know, there's a knock at the door.
I came out the door and it was right there.
A box of eggs on the ground and a note.
It said, "No, I will not force my cock to have a lie in.
"I hope you continue to enjoy the free eggs I've been giving you."
I couldn't believe it.
Didn't want him thinking that we were in debt to him,
so I've returned HIS eggs back to HIM,
putting them on HIS doorstep.
Let's see how HE likes it. Yes.
Next day I'm leaving for work and...
there they are again.
He had returned them, so I returned them back
straight onto his doorstep.
This went on for quite a while, return egg, return egg, return egg,
return egg, return egg, etc.
'Coming up... a violent clash
'shatters the quiet calm of the Cotswolds.'
I came down the stairs to see what my mum was shouting about
and she was lying right there... absolutely covered in blood.
I've been attacked in the shins!
'Back on the Isle of Wight, Olivia Colman and husband Jay-Z
'had evidence that neighbour Tom Hiddleston
'was enticing their cat,
'and a chance encounter one day confirmed the worst.'
Um, I'd seen Cabbage go under this bush,
and, um, I was trying to get him out and then suddenly I hear,
"Gianni, Gianni."
And I-I look around and I see him, Hiddleston.
'That estate agent.'
And then Cabbage pops his head out
and he says, "Oh, there you are, Gianni."
And I said, "Ah, his name's Cabbage, actually,
"could you not call him Gianni cos, um, he might get confused,"
and he... then he said in a very patronising way,
"Don't worry about it, dear, it's fine."
And I said, "It's not fine...
"is it? No."
'Things were escalating,
'but luckily community support officer Will Smith
'was on patrol nearby.'
My job as a community support officer
is to assess situations as they arise,
um, ascertain what the dispute is,
and, if possible, resolve it.
Um, it doesn't always work out that way
and things can get kind of violent,
but that's why we are equipped with these little babies.
'And things almost did turn violent
'as this footage from community support officer
'Will Smith's bodycam shows.'
No, no! This is not OK, actually, um...
Is everything OK, ma'am?
No, it's not, actually, um,
this man is being inappropriate with my cat.
Inappropriate? That's a bit strong, dear,
it's not a peep show.
Sir, I'm gonna need you to calm down!
I wasn't completely sure
if renaming a neighbour's cat was a criminal offence as such.
Um, it's not the sort of thing
that they cover at Hendon Police College.
Nothing's going on, OK?
I was just having a low key friendly chat with my cat buddy.
Oh, he is not your cat buddy! He's my cat buddy! Er, my cat!
Please just stop this man trying to steal my cat!
All right, all right, ma'am, all right, all right.
Is naming a cat illegal?
Can anyone tell me what law I'm supposed to have broken?
'Convinced Tom's actions were illegal,
'Olivia gathered new shocking evidence.'
'Oh, Cabbage!
'What's he done to you? Oh! That terrible man!'
Cabbage was somehow wearing a tiny Versace sweater.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
JAY-Z: And I looked 'em up online.
That stuff was expensive! £140 easy,
and that's how we knew he meant business.
For me, that was the last straw, Cabbage in a sweater.
I knew I had to confront him.
Um, would you like to explain
why my cat has started wearing designer clothes, Mr Hiddleston?
I don't know what you're talking about, love.
I think you DO know what I'm talking about, LOVE!
You're wearing the same jumper.
How could I be wearing the same jumper as a cat?
I think you'll find I'm quite a bit bigger than a cat.
Just BLOODY leave my BLOODY cat, a-BLOODY-lone!
Oh, verbal abuse, how lovely.
What a lovely woman.
Have a lovely day.
'Coming up... the true nature of Tom's relationship with Cabbage
'is exposed.'
He actually started making money out of him,
like he's some sort of cash cat.
Not cool, man.
'And Lorraine takes up a noisy hobby.'
VIOLIN SCREECHES
'Back in the Cotswolds,
'Andy Murray and his mum Lorraine Kelly
'were at odds with their next door neighbour
'over and acute case of noise pollution...'
COCKEREL CROWS
'..and things were about to get worse.'
Urgh, the cockerel was bad and I'm not a morning person anyway,
but then the chickens started laying
and they make a hell of a noise
every time they're trying to push out an egg.
Chickens actually make a noise to alert the rest of the flock
that they've laid an egg... Mm.
..so now we had the cockerel noise...
COCKEREL CROWS
..and the chicken noise.
SQUAWKING
Horrendous. Mm.
POULTRY PANDEMONIUM
Come on!
Poor wee Andy couldn't get to sleep,
so I recorded a clip of the chicken noise
and put in the village WhatsApp group
just to see if anyone else was having any trouble.
Let's just say him next door didn't take it very well.
He went ballbag mental.
Well, yeah, he did.
'The neighbour agreed to speak to us
'as long as we concealed their identity.'
Damn right, I was mad.
I have never had any complaints about my girls.
Nobody round here takes life as BLEEP seriously
as the Murrays do.
Ever since the issue with the window
and the planning permission, they changed,
dragging my name through the mud on the village group chat.
I told her, check your lipstick before you come for me, Lorraine.
'Angered by Lorraine's complaints,
'the chicken-loving neighbour
'uploaded his own post to the village group chat.'
NEIGHBOUR ON RECORDING: 'You cannot choose when a cockerel
'does and does not make a noise.
'That's just not how it works in the countryside,
'I'm afraid, Lorraine.
'I take your accusations very seriously
'and as a personal attack on my girls, who I have rescued.
'Check your lipstick before you come for me, Lorraine!'
Neither of us wear lipstick, so...
'The neighbour refuted all allegations of noise pollution
'and invited us over to meet his girls.'
These are my rescue chickens.
They bring me so much pleasure.
That's Lydia, Lydia Tupperware, and that's Sue Narmy
and over there that's Anne, Anne Ziety.
Ha-ha! My girls!
So why did you decide to get a cockerel?
Three words - re-pro-duction.
Can I get a Amen?
'With the noise issue seemingly settled,
'the neighbourly conflict took an unexpected turn -
'the neighbour's cockerel turned violent.'
Right, so I was in between clients outside on my wee vape break
and I look and I see his cockerel in my garden
scratching at my fuchsias!
So I tried to shoo the thing away and it came straight at me
round the corner, all fluffed up, started attacking my legs.
It was quite sore actually, so I run to the house and I shout...
"I've been attacked in the shins!
"I've been attacked in the shins!"
"I've been attacked..."
Like that.
'Lorraine sustained multiple puncture wounds
'from the cockerel attack,
'which had drawn blood on her shins and left calf
'almost ruining her favourite tattoo.'
I came down the stairs to see what my mum was shouting about
and she was lying right there... absolutely covered in blood.
It was like a scene from a film.
'Coming up...
'Lorraine's new hobby hits a bum note with her neighbour.'
'From the cock-a-doodle-dos of the Cotswolds,
'all the way back to the Isle of Wight,
'where Olivia Colman and her husband Jay-Z
'were determined to get to the bottom
'of their cat's sudden interest in fashion.'
I fitted a tiny hidden camera to Cabbage's collar
so I could see inside Tom's house
and find out exactly what was going on.
Tiny camera...
like, this big.
Technology, incredible.
Yes.
'We have finally uncovered Tom's shady secret.'
Got him! Yes.
'Tom had been getting Cabbage
'to model clothes for an Instagram account
'under the name of Gianni Purrsace.
And he had several lucrative paid partnerships.
It was like he was pimping out our baby, babe.
I was bloody angry.
This twisted, manipulative person
had changed my cat's name,
dressed him up in ridiculous clothes,
and put him on the internet!
And then he's making...
He's actually making money out of him,
like he's some CASH CAT!
Ex-Excuse me.
We was thinking, like, who is this guy?
The God of Mischief or something? Yes.
I think the photos speak for themselves -
he was having a great time.
So what if I'm making a couple of extra quid in my own house,
is that a crime? Hm?
Cos if it is, then I'm guilty.
Lock me up and throw away the key.
Well, now there was a potential legal issue at play
because he was making money from a cat
he didn't legally own, um, eh, you know, messy business.
So I suggested that he get a different cat.
'Tom Hiddleston agreed to give the £89
'he profited from Cabbage on social media
'to a cat orphan charity. And the Gianni Purrsace account
'has been taken down, permanently.'
It was such a relief when it was over, wasn't it, Cab-Cab?
I was so chuffed. And we had a takeaway to celebrate...
Yes! ..and I bought Olivia a gift.
Yeah, it's a special zapper collar for Cabbage.
We decided he had to be a house cat from now on, and that was that.
Yeah. We thought it was for the best.
We had a hundred problems but at least there's one less.
Yes. Uh-huh.
'Since filming ended, Olivia, Jay and Cabbage
'have put their neighbourly nightmare behind them.
'Will Smith has been promoted to CID,
'specialising in conflict management.
'And Tom Hiddleston has also moved on.'
I think a Gianni only comes along once in a lifetime.
I suppose he was like the David Gandhi of cats.
But he's gone now, so I've upgraded.
Come on, Thor, just behave, all right.
Thor! Stop it. Come on, Thor.
Thor, stay on the... No, Thor, let's not do...
Behave for the camera, please, come on.
No, we didn't do that before, did we? No.
'Back in the Cotswolds, tattoo artist Lorraine Kelly
'was still processing the poultry attack
'which had left puncture wounds
'on her lower left leg.
'Whilst her son Andy Murray
'looked into a possible solution to the trespassing chickens.'
I researched the ins and outs of keeping chickens
and some people clip their wings to keep them from wandering off.
And in my case trespassing and attacking people!
Chickens don't even feel it in their wings.
It's like you cutting your toenails.
Some chicks can jump really high if you don't clip their wings.
Occasionally, they may wander into other neighbours' gardens,
but it is extremely rare.
Far too rare to warrant clipping an innocent creature's wings.
Especially after everything my girls have been through.
But when I told her my ladies' wings were staying put,
ooh, honey!
'As the conflict escalated,
'a new form of noise pollution entered the arena.'
So I was stepping into the garden to feed the girls
and then there's this noise.
I look up and I see Lorraine in the window!
VIOLIN SCREECHES
Ooh, did he not like the noise
I was simply learning to play an instrument.
Mum was considering the bagpipes,
but I managed to talk her down.
Didn't want us falling out with the entire street.
Congratulations, Lorraine, you are the winner...
..of the most challenging neighbour award. Ha-ha!
'Lorraine and Andy
'remain at loggerheads with their neighbour over the chickens.
'Lorraine continues to practise her violin
'whilst the neighbour has added a further eight rescue birds
'to his flock.'
OK, hens, start your laying.
'Next time on Deep Fake Neighbour Wars...
'a broken tile creates tension between Harry Kane and Stormzy.'
This is only two weeks' worth of messages from Harry Kane.
'And mechanic Simon Cowell has Tyson Fury living in fear.'
There ain't a man born to his mother
whose arsehole wouldn't go in that situation.
And my arsehole went.
In fact, it did a marathon down the street and never returned.