1
00:00:14,003 --> 00:00:17,523
'In the UK today
one in five people

2
00:00:17,523 --> 00:00:19,003
'have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

3
00:00:19,003 --> 00:00:21,003
I am working from home!

4
00:00:21,003 --> 00:00:23,363
'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

5
00:00:23,363 --> 00:00:26,003
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

6
00:00:26,003 --> 00:00:29,683
'..into war zones,
and Victorian terraces...'

7
00:00:29,683 --> 00:00:33,003
These lights need to be taken down
this year!

8
00:00:33,003 --> 00:00:34,683
'..into battle grounds.

9
00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:38,003
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.

10
00:00:44,843 --> 00:00:46,043
'The Isle of Wight,

11
00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:50,003
'where youth worker Olivia Colman
and her husband Jay-Z,

12
00:00:50,003 --> 00:00:53,843
'a mature student
and line dancing enthusiast,

13
00:00:53,843 --> 00:00:55,003
'found their forever home

14
00:00:55,003 --> 00:00:58,003
'and before long
had added to their family.'

15
00:00:59,523 --> 00:01:02,003
We decided we had to have you,
didn't we, JJ?

16
00:01:02,003 --> 00:01:05,003
Yup, that's right.
Absolutely.

17
00:01:05,003 --> 00:01:07,003
And we called him Cabbage,
which was fun.

18
00:01:07,003 --> 00:01:09,003
I love you, Cabbage. Hello.

19
00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:11,003
Although there were other names
on the table,

20
00:01:11,003 --> 00:01:13,683
I, myself, liked Derek.

21
00:01:13,683 --> 00:01:17,003
But, er, we chose Cabbage cos
it was the best one, wasn't it?

22
00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:19,843
Yeah, yeah... she right.

23
00:01:19,843 --> 00:01:22,003
LAUGHS WEAKLY
You're right.

24
00:01:22,003 --> 00:01:25,003
'But things soon
took a worrying turn,

25
00:01:25,003 --> 00:01:28,003
'as Olivia noticed
Cabbage was rarely at home.'

26
00:01:28,003 --> 00:01:31,003
Yes, I was really worried.

27
00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,003
You see, I lost a cat as a child

28
00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:34,363
and I was worried
it was happening all over again.

29
00:01:34,363 --> 00:01:37,003
It was actually quite
a few nights a week of worry.

30
00:01:37,003 --> 00:01:41,003
Yeah, Tuesdays and Wednesdays,
it's like clockwork.

31
00:01:41,003 --> 00:01:44,003
Very strange, very strange.

32
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:47,003
'Concerned for Cabbage's safety,

33
00:01:47,003 --> 00:01:50,003
'Olivia went out looking for him
one evening.'

34
00:01:50,003 --> 00:01:51,003
Cabbage!
Cabbage!

35
00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:54,003
I was walking up and down like this
and I was shouting his name,

36
00:01:54,003 --> 00:01:55,003
"Cabbage! Cabbage!"

37
00:01:55,003 --> 00:01:57,363
"Where are you, boy?"
"Cabbage?"

38
00:01:57,363 --> 00:01:59,003
"Yo, C, come back, man."

39
00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:01,843
And-And then I just hear,
a, "Ksk-ksk-ksk-ksk.

40
00:02:01,843 --> 00:02:05,003
"Here, Gianni", and-and then
I peer over the fence and I,

41
00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:08,003
and-and, ah...
and then I just see Cabbage

42
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,363
being tempted with treats
by our next door neighbour.

43
00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:14,003
That's right.
Here, Gianni.

44
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:19,003
Yeah. He was coaxing the cat
mentally like, he was coerced.

45
00:02:19,003 --> 00:02:20,523
I knew he was trying
to steal our cat.

46
00:02:20,523 --> 00:02:24,043
Do you want a treat? Good boy.

47
00:02:24,043 --> 00:02:28,043
It happens a lot in this area,
more often than you'd think.

48
00:02:28,043 --> 00:02:31,363
There we are.

49
00:02:31,363 --> 00:02:34,003
And that's attempted kidnap!

50
00:02:34,003 --> 00:02:36,003
And we got him on camera.

51
00:02:36,003 --> 00:02:38,203
Evidence, baby.

52
00:02:40,003 --> 00:02:41,043
'But next door neighbour,

53
00:02:41,043 --> 00:02:43,003
'estate agent
Tom Hiddleston,

54
00:02:43,003 --> 00:02:47,003
'strenuously denies
committing any kind of crime.'

55
00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:50,003
I was just being friendly to a cat.

56
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,003
I wasn't doing anything
legally wrong.

57
00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:56,003
Then this hugely
passive aggressive woman

58
00:02:56,003 --> 00:02:59,843
starts saying
I'm some kind of cat burglar.

59
00:02:59,843 --> 00:03:02,523
She's ruining the neighbourhood,
crazy cat lady,

60
00:03:02,523 --> 00:03:05,003
walking around shouting, "Cabbage!"

61
00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:08,363
No wonder prices are plummeting.

62
00:03:08,363 --> 00:03:10,003
'Coming up...

63
00:03:10,003 --> 00:03:13,003
'The police get involved.'

64
00:03:13,003 --> 00:03:15,003
Please, just stop this man
trying to steal my cat!

65
00:03:15,003 --> 00:03:16,843
CSO SMITH:
All right, ma'am.

66
00:03:19,843 --> 00:03:21,003
'From the troubling times

67
00:03:21,003 --> 00:03:24,003
'in the secluded beauty
of the Isle of Wight,

68
00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:26,003
'to the beauty of the Cotswolds -

69
00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:29,523
'an idyllic haven
of peace and tranquillity.

70
00:03:31,003 --> 00:03:34,003
'When Andy Murray
and his mum, Lorraine Kelly,

71
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:37,003
'relocated from Wimbledon
to this sleepy little village,

72
00:03:37,003 --> 00:03:41,003
'they were blissfully unaware the
nightmare that was about to unfold.'

73
00:03:42,363 --> 00:03:45,003
Andy had recently qualified
as a nurse

74
00:03:45,003 --> 00:03:48,003
and I was so proud of him,
but the commute was quite long

75
00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:50,003
so I decided we better move

76
00:03:50,003 --> 00:03:53,003
just so Andy could be closer
to the hospital.

77
00:03:53,003 --> 00:03:55,003
I'd had some good times
in Wimbledon,

78
00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:56,523
but my mum was right,

79
00:03:56,523 --> 00:03:58,003
as she always is.

80
00:04:00,003 --> 00:04:02,003
'But there was trouble ahead
for Lorraine -

81
00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:04,003
'an experienced tattoo artist -

82
00:04:04,003 --> 00:04:08,003
'who had recently made the decision
to work from home full-time.'

83
00:04:08,003 --> 00:04:12,003
Ooh, this is looking quite nice.
It's quite good that.

84
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,363
'And this created tension
with their neighbour

85
00:04:14,363 --> 00:04:19,003
'who would like to keep
his identity a secret.'

86
00:04:19,003 --> 00:04:22,003
Well, things started going
a wee bit backwards

87
00:04:22,003 --> 00:04:24,003
when he applied
for planning permission

88
00:04:24,003 --> 00:04:29,003
for a bloody massive window
that's overlooking my property.

89
00:04:29,003 --> 00:04:32,203
As you can see, the proposed window
would look directly into that room

90
00:04:32,203 --> 00:04:34,003
where Mum has her tattoo studio

91
00:04:34,003 --> 00:04:37,003
and some of her clients
have to get their privates out...

92
00:04:39,003 --> 00:04:42,003
..depending on where
the tattoos are on their body.

93
00:04:42,003 --> 00:04:45,003
'Andy and his mum
objected to the plans

94
00:04:45,003 --> 00:04:49,003
'on the grounds of privacy
and contacted the local council.'

95
00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:52,683
We didnae want to make enemies
of him, but that windae

96
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:56,003
was an uncompromising
breach of our privacy.

97
00:04:56,003 --> 00:04:59,683
'But as soon as Lorraine
submitted the objection,

98
00:04:59,683 --> 00:05:03,003
'the peace and quiet
of their country life

99
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,003
'was suddenly shattered.'

100
00:05:05,003 --> 00:05:08,003
COCKEREL CROWS

101
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:11,003
CALL ECHOES

102
00:05:11,003 --> 00:05:13,003
Suddenly this cockerel appears
next door

103
00:05:13,003 --> 00:05:15,003
waking us up at stupid o'clock.

104
00:05:15,003 --> 00:05:17,003
Andy works nights as a nurse

105
00:05:17,003 --> 00:05:21,003
and he couldn't get to sleep
after his night shift.

106
00:05:22,003 --> 00:05:23,003
Because of the cockerel.

107
00:05:23,003 --> 00:05:28,003
CROWS

108
00:05:32,003 --> 00:05:34,003
I'm convinced
he got that cockerel to annoy us

109
00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:37,003
just because that window
never got any planning permission.

110
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,003
He's always had chickens,
but the cockerel,

111
00:05:39,003 --> 00:05:41,003
it was just non-stop
noise pollution,

112
00:05:41,003 --> 00:05:45,003
so I wrote a polite note
asking if he would consider

113
00:05:45,003 --> 00:05:47,003
keeping the cockerel
in the chicken house

114
00:05:47,003 --> 00:05:49,003
for just an extra hour
in the morning.

115
00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:52,003
Och aye, just so he could
get to sleep, the poor wee thing.

116
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:56,003
Next thing I know,
there's a knock at the door.

117
00:06:00,003 --> 00:06:02,003
I came out the door
and it was right there.

118
00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:07,003
A box of eggs on the ground
and a note.

119
00:06:08,003 --> 00:06:12,003
It said, "No, I will not
force my cock to have a lie in.

120
00:06:12,003 --> 00:06:15,003
"I hope you continue to enjoy
the free eggs I've been giving you."

121
00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:16,003
I couldn't believe it.

122
00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:19,003
Didn't want him thinking
that we were in debt to him,

123
00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:22,003
so I've returned HIS eggs
back to HIM,

124
00:06:22,003 --> 00:06:24,003
putting them on HIS doorstep.

125
00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:27,003
Let's see how HE likes it.
Yes.

126
00:06:28,003 --> 00:06:30,003
Next day I'm leaving for work and...

127
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,003
there they are again.

128
00:06:33,043 --> 00:06:36,003
He had returned them,
so I returned them back

129
00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:38,003
straight onto his doorstep.

130
00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:43,003
This went on for quite a while,
return egg, return egg, return egg,

131
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:47,003
return egg, return egg, etc.

132
00:06:48,003 --> 00:06:50,363
'Coming up... a violent clash

133
00:06:50,363 --> 00:06:54,003
'shatters the quiet calm
of the Cotswolds.'

134
00:06:54,003 --> 00:06:58,003
I came down the stairs to see
what my mum was shouting about

135
00:06:58,003 --> 00:07:03,003
and she was lying right there...
absolutely covered in blood.

136
00:07:03,003 --> 00:07:07,203
I've been attacked in the shins!

137
00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:16,003
'Back on the Isle of Wight,
Olivia Colman and husband Jay-Z

138
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,003
'had evidence
that neighbour Tom Hiddleston

139
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,003
'was enticing their cat,

140
00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:25,003
'and a chance encounter one day
confirmed the worst.'

141
00:07:25,003 --> 00:07:28,003
Um, I'd seen Cabbage
go under this bush,

142
00:07:28,003 --> 00:07:32,003
and, um, I was trying to get him out
and then suddenly I hear,

143
00:07:32,003 --> 00:07:35,003
"Gianni, Gianni."

144
00:07:35,003 --> 00:07:39,003
And I-I look around
and I see him, Hiddleston.

145
00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:41,003
'That estate agent.'

146
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:43,003
And then Cabbage pops his head out

147
00:07:43,003 --> 00:07:45,683
and he says,
"Oh, there you are, Gianni."

148
00:07:45,683 --> 00:07:49,683
And I said,
"Ah, his name's Cabbage, actually,

149
00:07:49,683 --> 00:07:53,003
"could you not call him Gianni
cos, um, he might get confused,"

150
00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:56,003
and he... then he said
in a very patronising way,

151
00:07:56,003 --> 00:07:59,003
"Don't worry about it, dear,
it's fine."

152
00:07:59,003 --> 00:08:01,203
And I said,
"It's not fine...

153
00:08:01,203 --> 00:08:04,003
"is it?
No."

154
00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:07,003
'Things were escalating,

155
00:08:07,003 --> 00:08:10,003
'but luckily
community support officer Will Smith

156
00:08:10,003 --> 00:08:12,003
'was on patrol nearby.'

157
00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:16,523
My job
as a community support officer

158
00:08:16,523 --> 00:08:20,203
is to assess situations
as they arise,

159
00:08:20,203 --> 00:08:25,003
um, ascertain what the dispute is,

160
00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:27,003
and, if possible, resolve it.

161
00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:29,843
Um, it doesn't always
work out that way

162
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,003
and things can get kind of violent,

163
00:08:32,003 --> 00:08:35,003
but that's why we are equipped
with these little babies.

164
00:08:36,203 --> 00:08:38,683
'And things almost did turn violent

165
00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:41,003
'as this footage
from community support officer

166
00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:44,003
'Will Smith's bodycam shows.'

167
00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:47,003
No, no!
This is not OK, actually, um...

168
00:08:47,003 --> 00:08:49,003
Is everything OK, ma'am?

169
00:08:49,003 --> 00:08:50,843
No, it's not, actually, um,

170
00:08:50,843 --> 00:08:53,683
this man is being
inappropriate with my cat.

171
00:08:53,683 --> 00:08:55,523
Inappropriate?
That's a bit strong, dear,

172
00:08:55,523 --> 00:08:57,003
it's not a peep show.

173
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:58,683
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to calm down!

174
00:08:58,683 --> 00:09:01,003
I wasn't completely sure

175
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:06,003
if renaming a neighbour's cat
was a criminal offence as such.

176
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,003
Um, it's not the sort of thing

177
00:09:08,003 --> 00:09:11,203
that they cover
at Hendon Police College.

178
00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:13,003
Nothing's going on, OK?

179
00:09:13,003 --> 00:09:16,003
I was just having a low key
friendly chat with my cat buddy.

180
00:09:16,003 --> 00:09:20,003
Oh, he is not your cat buddy!
He's my cat buddy! Er, my cat!

181
00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:22,003
Please just stop this man
trying to steal my cat!

182
00:09:22,003 --> 00:09:25,003
All right, all right, ma'am,
all right, all right.

183
00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:27,003
Is naming a cat illegal?

184
00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:29,043
Can anyone tell me what law
I'm supposed to have broken?

185
00:09:31,683 --> 00:09:34,003
'Convinced Tom's actions
were illegal,

186
00:09:34,003 --> 00:09:37,003
'Olivia gathered
new shocking evidence.'

187
00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:39,043
'Oh, Cabbage!

188
00:09:39,043 --> 00:09:43,003
'What's he done to you?
Oh! That terrible man!'

189
00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:46,363
Cabbage was somehow wearing
a tiny Versace sweater.

190
00:09:46,363 --> 00:09:48,003
I couldn't believe
what I was seeing.

191
00:09:48,003 --> 00:09:50,003
JAY-Z: And I looked 'em up online.

192
00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:55,003
That stuff was expensive!
£140 easy,

193
00:09:55,003 --> 00:09:58,003
and that's how we knew
he meant business.

194
00:09:58,003 --> 00:10:01,003
For me, that was the last straw,
Cabbage in a sweater.

195
00:10:01,003 --> 00:10:03,003
I knew I had to confront him.

196
00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:13,003
Um, would you
like to explain

197
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,043
why my cat has started wearing
designer clothes, Mr Hiddleston?

198
00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:20,003
I don't know
what you're talking about, love.

199
00:10:20,003 --> 00:10:23,003
I think you DO know
what I'm talking about, LOVE!

200
00:10:23,003 --> 00:10:24,363
You're wearing the same jumper.

201
00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:29,003
How could I be wearing
the same jumper as a cat?

202
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:32,003
I think you'll find
I'm quite a bit bigger than a cat.

203
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:36,003
Just BLOODY leave my BLOODY cat,
a-BLOODY-lone!

204
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:40,003
Oh, verbal abuse, how lovely.

205
00:10:40,003 --> 00:10:41,003
What a lovely woman.

206
00:10:41,003 --> 00:10:43,003
Have a lovely day.

207
00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:49,003
'Coming up... the true nature
of Tom's relationship with Cabbage

208
00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:51,003
'is exposed.'

209
00:10:51,003 --> 00:10:53,003
He actually started
making money out of him,

210
00:10:53,003 --> 00:10:54,003
like he's some sort of cash cat.

211
00:10:55,003 --> 00:10:56,523
Not cool, man.

212
00:10:56,523 --> 00:11:00,003
'And Lorraine
takes up a noisy hobby.'

213
00:11:00,003 --> 00:11:02,003
VIOLIN SCREECHES

214
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,003
'Back in the Cotswolds,

215
00:11:12,003 --> 00:11:15,363
'Andy Murray
and his mum Lorraine Kelly

216
00:11:15,363 --> 00:11:18,203
'were at odds with
their next door neighbour

217
00:11:18,203 --> 00:11:21,003
'over and acute case
of noise pollution...'

218
00:11:21,003 --> 00:11:22,203
COCKEREL CROWS

219
00:11:22,203 --> 00:11:26,003
'..and things
were about to get worse.'

220
00:11:26,003 --> 00:11:30,003
Urgh, the cockerel was bad
and I'm not a morning person anyway,

221
00:11:30,003 --> 00:11:32,003
but then the chickens started laying

222
00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:34,003
and they make a hell of a noise

223
00:11:34,003 --> 00:11:37,003
every time they're trying
to push out an egg.

224
00:11:37,003 --> 00:11:41,003
Chickens actually make a noise
to alert the rest of the flock

225
00:11:41,003 --> 00:11:42,523
that they've laid an egg...
Mm.

226
00:11:42,523 --> 00:11:45,003
..so now we had
the cockerel noise...

227
00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:47,003
COCKEREL CROWS

228
00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:48,003
..and the chicken noise.

229
00:11:48,003 --> 00:11:49,043
SQUAWKING

230
00:11:49,043 --> 00:11:51,043
Horrendous.
Mm.

231
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:55,003
POULTRY PANDEMONIUM

232
00:11:57,003 --> 00:11:58,523
Come on!

233
00:11:58,523 --> 00:12:00,003
Poor wee Andy couldn't get to sleep,

234
00:12:00,003 --> 00:12:02,003
so I recorded a clip
of the chicken noise

235
00:12:02,003 --> 00:12:04,003
and put in the village
WhatsApp group

236
00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:07,003
just to see if anyone else
was having any trouble.

237
00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:10,003
Let's just say him next door
didn't take it very well.

238
00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:12,003
He went ballbag mental.

239
00:12:12,003 --> 00:12:14,003
Well, yeah, he did.

240
00:12:14,003 --> 00:12:16,003
'The neighbour agreed to speak to us

241
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:19,843
'as long as we concealed
their identity.'

242
00:12:19,843 --> 00:12:21,003
Damn right, I was mad.

243
00:12:21,003 --> 00:12:25,003
I have never
had any complaints about my girls.

244
00:12:25,003 --> 00:12:27,003
Nobody round here takes life
as BLEEP seriously

245
00:12:27,003 --> 00:12:29,003
as the Murrays do.

246
00:12:29,003 --> 00:12:31,003
Ever since
the issue with the window

247
00:12:31,003 --> 00:12:33,003
and the planning permission,
they changed,

248
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:37,003
dragging my name through the mud
on the village group chat.

249
00:12:37,003 --> 00:12:41,003
I told her, check your lipstick
before you come for me, Lorraine.

250
00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:44,003
'Angered by Lorraine's complaints,

251
00:12:44,003 --> 00:12:45,003
'the chicken-loving neighbour

252
00:12:45,003 --> 00:12:49,003
'uploaded his own post
to the village group chat.'

253
00:12:49,003 --> 00:12:51,843
NEIGHBOUR ON RECORDING:
'You cannot choose when a cockerel

254
00:12:51,843 --> 00:12:53,003
'does and does not make a noise.

255
00:12:53,003 --> 00:12:56,003
'That's just not how it works
in the countryside,

256
00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:57,003
'I'm afraid, Lorraine.

257
00:12:57,003 --> 00:12:59,003
'I take your accusations
very seriously

258
00:12:59,003 --> 00:13:04,003
'and as a personal attack
on my girls, who I have rescued.

259
00:13:04,003 --> 00:13:06,003
'Check your lipstick
before you come for me, Lorraine!'

260
00:13:06,003 --> 00:13:09,003
Neither of us wear lipstick, so...

261
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:13,003
'The neighbour refuted all
allegations of noise pollution

262
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:17,003
'and invited us over
to meet his girls.'

263
00:13:17,003 --> 00:13:19,843
These are my rescue chickens.

264
00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:22,203
They bring me so much pleasure.

265
00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:27,523
That's Lydia, Lydia Tupperware,
and that's Sue Narmy

266
00:13:27,523 --> 00:13:31,003
and over there that's Anne,
Anne Ziety.

267
00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:33,003
Ha-ha! My girls!

268
00:13:33,003 --> 00:13:36,203
So why did you decide
to get a cockerel?

269
00:13:36,203 --> 00:13:40,003
Three words - re-pro-duction.

270
00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:41,523
Can I get a Amen?

271
00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:45,523
'With the noise issue
seemingly settled,

272
00:13:45,523 --> 00:13:48,523
'the neighbourly conflict
took an unexpected turn -

273
00:13:48,523 --> 00:13:52,003
'the neighbour's cockerel
turned violent.'

274
00:13:54,003 --> 00:13:58,003
Right, so I was in between
clients outside on my wee vape break

275
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:01,003
and I look and I see his cockerel
in my garden

276
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:03,003
scratching at my fuchsias!

277
00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:07,003
So I tried to shoo the thing away
and it came straight at me

278
00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:11,003
round the corner, all fluffed up,
started attacking my legs.

279
00:14:11,003 --> 00:14:14,683
It was quite sore actually,
so I run to the house and I shout...

280
00:14:14,683 --> 00:14:17,003
"I've been attacked in the shins!

281
00:14:17,003 --> 00:14:19,523
"I've been attacked in the shins!"

282
00:14:19,523 --> 00:14:21,003
"I've been attacked..."

283
00:14:21,003 --> 00:14:22,363
Like that.

284
00:14:24,003 --> 00:14:27,003
'Lorraine sustained
multiple puncture wounds

285
00:14:27,003 --> 00:14:28,003
'from the cockerel attack,

286
00:14:28,003 --> 00:14:31,003
'which had drawn blood
on her shins and left calf

287
00:14:31,003 --> 00:14:35,003
'almost ruining
her favourite tattoo.'

288
00:14:35,003 --> 00:14:38,003
I came down the stairs to see
what my mum was shouting about

289
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:42,043
and she was lying right there...
absolutely covered in blood.

290
00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:46,003
It was like a scene from a film.

291
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:50,003
'Coming up...

292
00:14:50,003 --> 00:14:54,003
'Lorraine's new hobby
hits a bum note with her neighbour.'

293
00:15:00,003 --> 00:15:04,003
'From the cock-a-doodle-dos
of the Cotswolds,

294
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:08,003
'all the way back
to the Isle of Wight,

295
00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:11,003
'where Olivia Colman
and her husband Jay-Z

296
00:15:11,003 --> 00:15:12,683
'were determined
to get to the bottom

297
00:15:12,683 --> 00:15:16,003
'of their cat's sudden interest
in fashion.'

298
00:15:16,003 --> 00:15:20,003
I fitted a tiny hidden camera
to Cabbage's collar

299
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:23,003
so I could see inside Tom's house

300
00:15:23,003 --> 00:15:26,203
and find out
exactly what was going on.

301
00:15:26,203 --> 00:15:28,003
Tiny camera...

302
00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:29,003
like, this big.

303
00:15:31,003 --> 00:15:33,003
Technology, incredible.

304
00:15:33,003 --> 00:15:34,003
Yes.

305
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:42,003
'We have finally uncovered
Tom's shady secret.'

306
00:15:42,003 --> 00:15:45,003
Got him!
Yes.

307
00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:48,003
'Tom had been getting Cabbage

308
00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:51,003
'to model clothes
for an Instagram account

309
00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:54,363
'under the name of Gianni Purrsace.

310
00:15:54,363 --> 00:15:58,003
And he had several
lucrative paid partnerships.

311
00:15:58,003 --> 00:16:00,363
It was like he was pimping out
our baby, babe.

312
00:16:00,363 --> 00:16:02,003
I was bloody angry.

313
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:05,003
This twisted, manipulative person

314
00:16:05,003 --> 00:16:06,683
had changed my cat's name,

315
00:16:06,683 --> 00:16:08,683
dressed him up
in ridiculous clothes,

316
00:16:08,683 --> 00:16:10,003
and put him on the internet!

317
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,363
And then he's making...

318
00:16:11,363 --> 00:16:13,003
He's actually
making money out of him,

319
00:16:13,003 --> 00:16:15,843
like he's some CASH CAT!

320
00:16:15,843 --> 00:16:17,003
Ex-Excuse me.

321
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,043
We was thinking, like,
who is this guy?

322
00:16:20,043 --> 00:16:22,043
The God of Mischief or something?
Yes.

323
00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:25,003
I think the photos
speak for themselves -

324
00:16:25,003 --> 00:16:27,043
he was having a great time.

325
00:16:27,043 --> 00:16:30,003
So what if I'm making a couple of
extra quid in my own house,

326
00:16:30,003 --> 00:16:32,003
is that a crime? Hm?

327
00:16:32,003 --> 00:16:35,683
Cos if it is, then I'm guilty.

328
00:16:35,683 --> 00:16:38,003
Lock me up
and throw away the key.

329
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:43,003
Well, now there was a potential
legal issue at play

330
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:47,003
because he was making
money from a cat

331
00:16:47,003 --> 00:16:52,043
he didn't legally own, um,
eh, you know, messy business.

332
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:56,203
So I suggested
that he get a different cat.

333
00:16:56,203 --> 00:17:00,003
'Tom Hiddleston
agreed to give the £89

334
00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:03,003
'he profited from Cabbage
on social media

335
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:07,003
'to a cat orphan charity.
And the Gianni Purrsace account

336
00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:10,003
'has been taken down,
permanently.'

337
00:17:10,003 --> 00:17:13,003
It was such a relief when
it was over, wasn't it, Cab-Cab?

338
00:17:13,003 --> 00:17:16,363
I was so chuffed. And we had
a takeaway to celebrate...

339
00:17:16,363 --> 00:17:18,843
Yes!
..and I bought Olivia a gift.

340
00:17:18,843 --> 00:17:22,003
Yeah, it's a special zapper collar
for Cabbage.

341
00:17:22,003 --> 00:17:24,363
We decided he had to be a house cat
from now on, and that was that.

342
00:17:24,363 --> 00:17:28,003
Yeah.
We thought it was for the best.

343
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:31,003
We had a hundred problems
but at least there's one less.

344
00:17:31,003 --> 00:17:32,043
Yes.
Uh-huh.

345
00:17:34,203 --> 00:17:38,003
'Since filming ended,
Olivia, Jay and Cabbage

346
00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:41,003
'have put their
neighbourly nightmare behind them.

347
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:44,003
'Will Smith
has been promoted to CID,

348
00:17:44,003 --> 00:17:46,363
'specialising
in conflict management.

349
00:17:46,363 --> 00:17:50,043
'And Tom Hiddleston
has also moved on.'

350
00:17:50,043 --> 00:17:54,003
I think a Gianni only comes along
once in a lifetime.

351
00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:58,003
I suppose he was like
the David Gandhi of cats.

352
00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:03,003
But he's gone now,
so I've upgraded.

353
00:18:03,003 --> 00:18:05,003
Come on, Thor, just behave,
all right.

354
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:09,003
Thor! Stop it.
Come on, Thor.

355
00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:11,003
Thor, stay on the...
No, Thor, let's not do...

356
00:18:11,003 --> 00:18:14,003
Behave for the camera, please,
come on.

357
00:18:14,003 --> 00:18:17,003
No, we didn't do that before,
did we? No.

358
00:18:21,003 --> 00:18:25,003
'Back in the Cotswolds,
tattoo artist Lorraine Kelly

359
00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:27,003
'was still processing
the poultry attack

360
00:18:27,003 --> 00:18:29,003
'which had left puncture wounds

361
00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:30,843
'on her lower left leg.

362
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,683
'Whilst her son Andy Murray

363
00:18:32,683 --> 00:18:37,003
'looked into a possible solution
to the trespassing chickens.'

364
00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:40,003
I researched the ins and outs
of keeping chickens

365
00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:44,003
and some people clip their wings
to keep them from wandering off.

366
00:18:44,003 --> 00:18:47,003
And in my case trespassing
and attacking people!

367
00:18:47,003 --> 00:18:50,683
Chickens don't even feel it
in their wings.

368
00:18:50,683 --> 00:18:53,003
It's like you
cutting your toenails.

369
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:58,363
Some chicks can jump really high
if you don't clip their wings.

370
00:18:58,363 --> 00:19:03,003
Occasionally, they may wander
into other neighbours' gardens,

371
00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:04,003
but it is extremely rare.

372
00:19:04,003 --> 00:19:08,043
Far too rare to warrant clipping
an innocent creature's wings.

373
00:19:08,043 --> 00:19:13,003
Especially after everything
my girls have been through.

374
00:19:13,003 --> 00:19:16,003
But when I told her my
ladies' wings were staying put,

375
00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:17,003
ooh, honey!

376
00:19:19,003 --> 00:19:21,003
'As the conflict escalated,

377
00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:25,003
'a new form of noise pollution
entered the arena.'

378
00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:28,003
So I was stepping into the garden
to feed the girls

379
00:19:28,003 --> 00:19:31,003
and then there's this noise.

380
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:35,523
I look up
and I see Lorraine in the window!

381
00:19:35,523 --> 00:19:37,203
VIOLIN SCREECHES

382
00:19:42,843 --> 00:19:46,003
Ooh, did he not like the noise

383
00:19:46,003 --> 00:19:49,003
I was simply learning
to play an instrument.

384
00:19:49,003 --> 00:19:51,003
Mum was considering the bagpipes,

385
00:19:51,003 --> 00:19:53,003
but I managed to talk her down.

386
00:19:53,003 --> 00:19:55,683
Didn't want us falling out
with the entire street.

387
00:19:59,003 --> 00:20:03,003
Congratulations, Lorraine,
you are the winner...

388
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:07,003
..of the most challenging
neighbour award. Ha-ha!

389
00:20:08,203 --> 00:20:10,003
'Lorraine and Andy

390
00:20:10,003 --> 00:20:13,003
'remain at loggerheads with
their neighbour over the chickens.

391
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:16,003
'Lorraine continues
to practise her violin

392
00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:19,843
'whilst the neighbour has added
a further eight rescue birds

393
00:20:19,843 --> 00:20:21,003
'to his flock.'

394
00:20:21,003 --> 00:20:24,363
OK, hens, start your laying.

395
00:20:58,843 --> 00:21:02,003
'Next time on
Deep Fake Neighbour Wars...

396
00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:06,003
'a broken tile creates tension
between Harry Kane and Stormzy.'

397
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:10,003
This is only two weeks' worth
of messages from Harry Kane.

398
00:21:10,003 --> 00:21:14,003
'And mechanic Simon Cowell
has Tyson Fury living in fear.'

399
00:21:14,003 --> 00:21:16,003
There ain't a man born to his mother

400
00:21:16,003 --> 00:21:18,843
whose arsehole wouldn't go
in that situation.

401
00:21:20,003 --> 00:21:21,003
And my arsehole went.

402
00:21:22,003 --> 00:21:25,003
In fact, it did a marathon
down the street and never returned.