'In the UK today, one in five people
'have a dispute with their neighbour.'
I am working from home!
'These escalate...' He threw the first one!
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...' Shut up!
'..into war zones, and Victorian terraces...'
These lights need to be taken down this year!
'..into battle grounds.
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.'
'Alderley Edge, in Cheshire.
'Dog walker, Nicki Minaj,
'and Health and Safety Officer, Tom Holland,
'moved here four years ago,
'and last year got married.'
You know, it was love at first sight.
It so was.
He reminded me of a dog.
What? You know how some dogs have those human eyes?
Tom has those kind of eyes.
Human, but the kind that dogs have.
And you know, being that I work with so many canines,
looking at those dog eyes just really made me feel at home.
How could I not put a ring on it?
She's got the four Bs - brains, beauty, business and...
I can't believe we're actually married.
'But shortly after their wedding...'
DRAMATIC MUSIC
'..Nicki and Tom had a very unsettling encounter
'with their next door neighbour.'
We had just got back from our honeymoon. Our homecoming.
Tom drops his bags
and then I started following right behind him like this. Mm.
The first thing I noticed was this horrible
sort of boiled egg smell.
Urgh. Eurgh! Move.
We started entering into the house to find out what that smell was.
And then I saw him, and I started to scream...
SHE SCREAMS ..and he was spread out like this.
MIMICS NEIGHBOUR WHIMPERING
'Nicki and Tom were shocked to discover
'that the intruder was, in fact,
'their next door neighbour, Mark Zuckerberg,
'who had somehow found his way into their home.'
It was so strange.
I'd not said more than, "Hi" or "Hello" to this bloke,
now he's on me bloody sofa.
I was shaking him trying to wake him up.
Come on, mate.
Mate. Mate, wake up.
Hello? Come on, mate, mate!
And when he woke up, he didn't even apologise.
He just walked off like this,
"Ay-ay-ay-ay".
Like he was being beamed up into a starship.
Our spidey senses was tingling about him, weren't they?
Yeah, I mean, I just thought he was pissed.
I just thought he'd have a shower, sleep it off
and we'd return to our routine, "Hi's" and "Hellos."
'But there was nothing routine about what happened next...
'as neighbour Mark's actions became even stranger.
'Leaving behind the troubling times in Alderley Edge,
'we go now to picturesque Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk...
'..where wood carver, Floyd Mayweather,
'and his partner, online gamer Dua Lipa,
'moved to six years ago.'
So, I'm an online gamer and streamer.
My team recently made it into the top ten, in Suffolk,
on Dungeons & Dragons.
Wait, I think I'm still logged in, hold on a sec.
She's a hell of a gamer.
Um, oh, and me, uh, I'm just a lucky guy.
Um, I have a... a beautiful lady.
Um, I really love my job,
and I just love living in Bury.
'On the surface, Floyd and Dua were the couple who had everything.
'Take that. Eat this!'
'But their idyllic lifestyle was thrown into turmoil
'with a new arrival next door.'
So we thought we had this really great neighbour move in next door,
Matthew McConaughey.
He was like one of those mellow types.
Like, he meditates and stuff.
You were good mates, weren't you?
Yeah. We were cool, absolutely.
We had some good times.
One particular summer, we had a blast watching the World Cup.
Oh, my grandfather's half Croatian, so...
Uh, I remember I had called that summer,
best summer ever - BSE.
'But the friendship began to turn sour
'over a shady spot in Floyd's garden.'
So, this is my back yard.
This is where I work. Um, I make these.
You know, it's not the best ever, but I enjoy it.
You know, and we get by most months.
I like to use nature for my inspiration.
That's probably why I like to work outside.
Um, you know, and with the intricate nature
of the work that I do, I need great lighting.
All my best work happens under the light.
So, you know, I need good lighting.
'But Floyd's precious lighting was taken away by a tree.
'One afternoon, late last summer,
'Floyd was hard at work on his wood carvings
'when the unthinkable happened.'
We don't even know how long he's had that tree.
You know, it was OK for a couple of summers,
but a few years later, way too much shade.
DRAMATIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES
As soon as it gets past midday, I can't use the garden for my work.
What the fuck?
I work from home.
Now we're-we're the only house on the street
with an earlier sunset than everybody else.
And, Dua, how did that make you feel?
Well... SIGHS
..I didn't care at first, if I'm honest.
I don't need light, I'm a gamer.
I need it dark.
'But Floyd needed his light back
'and so decided to confront Matthew McConaughey.'
So, at this particular time, I had enough,
and I figure Matthew was a friend of mine,
so I'd just go over here and talk to him.
So I went over to his house, just right here,
and knocked on his door just like this
and I said, "Hey, Matthew,
"do you mind if you could just cut your tree down just a little?"
He looked at me, and he said, "Sorry, Floyd,
"this tree contains the essence of my grandfather."
And then he looked at me like... like he was gonna cry, like...
Yeah, we thought he'd buried his grandfather's remains
under the tree or something.
It was the most serious thing that he'd ever said to me. Mm-hm.
'The tree's significance was confirmed to us
'by next door neighbour Matthew McConaughey,
'a part-time doula.'
That's right. I'm a part-time doula.
I know what you're thinking - what's a doula?
Well, I support and help women deliver babies.
A little unusual, I know, but, uh, I'm just answering nature's call.
Matthew, you said the tree was important to you.
I said to Floyd
that this tree was the last memory of my grandfather.
And this man... he wasn't any grandparent.
No, he would pick me up from school
once every fortnight, you understand.
Sometimes, I come outside and I talk to the tree
as though, uh, as though he was still here.
Floyd said that you said
that if he touched a single leaf on that tree,
you would destroy him. That's right.
Yes, sir, that is right.
'Coming up, Floyd fights back with a tree of his own.'
You know in the Bible they say, uh, it's an eye for an eye,
but this was a tree for a tree.
'Meanwhile, over in Alderley Edge,
'Mark Zuckerberg's strange behaviour
'continued to alarm his neighbours Tom Holland and Nicki Minaj.'
So, it was my day off...
..and I was making lunch. NICKI HUMS
Oh yum. Little bit of this...
Man, I love cookin'.
And then I come into the front room, and I look out onto the street,
and there he is!
Mark, stood there mouth wide open,
motionless for, like, ages..
..and then the next day, there he is again.
And then, like, a few days later, there he is AGAIN.
He was right there, looking at me
with those piercing eyes.
He was invading my privacy with those weird eyes.
No way can I sit idly by hearing what he was doing to my wife.
It was within my power and it was my responsibility
and I take my power... responsibly... greatly.
So I decided to confront Mr Zuckerberg.
You know, it was calm for, like, a whole two to three days.
And then the doorbell rung.
And it's him standing there with a plate of cookies.
Which I refused.
I said to him, "We don't want no weirdo cookies."
Who knows what that stinking motherfucker did to them.
But he kept insisting.
"Ooh, accept these cookies, accept these cookies,
"accept these cookies."
So finally I did - just to get rid of him.
I wanted him and his egg smell gone.
Next thing we know... Yeah.
..the guy is on top of our roof... Our roof!
..probably trying to get a better angle to spy on me.
I mean, who can blame him? Phwoar.
'Coming up...
'Oddball neighbour Mark Zuckerberg finally cracks...'
Mark, don't do that!
'..and explosive scenes disturb the peace in Alderley Edge.'
I don't care! I'm sick of it!
'Back in Bury St Edmunds,
'part-time doula Matthew McConaughey's tree
'was ruining Floyd Mayweather's work area
'with its relentless shade.
'Having had his polite request to trim the tree refused,
'Floyd decided to take Matthew on at his own game.'
So I decided I would plant my own tree in my garden,
right next to his.
And why was that?
Oh, cos I needed something that'd go toe to toe
or root to root.
I figure the roots will go down
and maybe mess with his just a little.
Sure, his tree's a lot bigger, more experienced,
longer reach, um, but I like an underdog, there's always a chance.
You know, in the Bible they say, uh,
it's "an eye for an eye", but this was a tree for a tree.
You know what, I thought it was a bush at first.
I thought... CHUCKLES
.."that's cute, look at him trying to grow something."
I was playing the long game.
I was playing it smart.
Matthew had no idea.
He thought I just got quiet and let it slide.
Uh-uh. For two years, my tree was getting bigger...
..and bigger and bigger.
..and bigger.
It took me two years to realise what was happening.
I'd noticed that Floyd had been a crafty little guy
and planted a tree.
'Matthew was now under threat from a genuine contender.'
I thought to myself,
"All right, all right, all right, now we are having fun.'
Then one day, I saw, like, a white powder around the tree,
and I wasn't sure if it was, like, salt or if it was sugar, so...
You know, I got down on my knees, and I tasted it.
It was salt sprinkled all around the tree roots.
Floyd found out that rock salt can kill tree roots.
It takes weeks for salt to kill a tree
and it takes several doses,
so I found out that who... whoever did this,
they was coming back.
So you know what I did?
I got Dua's webcam and I used it as surveillance.
It meant that I couldn't do any gaming, which was annoying.
'And it wasn't long before Floyd and Dua's plan paid off.'
MCCONAUGHEY ON WEBCAM: 'All right, here we go.'
HE CACKLES
It's on now.
And when we saw this, I knew we had him.
So that's when I reported him to the council.
I told him it was simply preposterous.
I would never take the life of a tree.
I was simply having problems with slugs,
and I had identified a route they were using to enter my garden.
All right.
'Coming up, Dua's got new rules.'
I don't care! I'm sick of it!
I'm a gamer! I just want to game in peace!
Hey, wait, baby.
'Back in Alderley Edge,
'newlyweds Nicki Minaj and Tom Holland's privacy
'had been invaded by their unhinged next door neighbour,
'Mark Zuckerberg.'
He was invading my privacy with those weird eyes.
'But next door neighbour driving instructor Mark,
'felt he was being unfairly misrepresented.'
So, I fully admit that my behaviour was strange.
But I did not intend to invade anybody's privacy. No, senator.
Uh, for months, I was having these strange episodes of confusion
and I didn't know why.
But eventually... everything came to a head.
DISTURBING MOAN
Oh, my God! What the hell's he doing now?
Get the fuck off my roof, Mark!
Mark, hell, no. I'm gonna get him down myself.
Nicki, he's fallen! Oh, my God!
SHE SCREAMS Nicki, I'm scared!
So I was on top of the roof and all confused again.
It was a very dangerous situation, so I made a friend request...
Excuse me, I requested from a friend to call the fire brigade
and they arrived and they got me down safely.
Go, fire brigade.
SIRENS WAIL
We'll take it from here. Ladder's over there.
There we go there.
And then when they were here, they noticed the funny smell,
and they noticed that there was a gas leak.
So I suddenly figured out what had been wrong with me this whole time.
I had gas poisoning.
HE LAUGHS
So, this is Nicki and Tom's gas pipe here
and it was leaking through my air brick here
and that was leaking into my property.
And Tom is a health and safety officer
so I was a little bit surprised that he didn't realise.
I was surprised by that.
When I come through that front door,
I turn off from work
and my only priority is making sure my queen is happy.
The gas poisoning meant that I couldn't think straight.
You know, I was all groggy and confused
and that's why I was, like, standing in the front drive
like a lunatic all the time. You know, I was, like...
MIMICS ZOMBIE MOAN
HE LAUGHS
And when Tom came to my door... wagging his finger in my face,
I-I genuinely had no idea what was on his mind.
'I was so shocked that I-I didn't say a word.'
But I thought that he was really cross,
so I thought, "Hey, maybe some cookies as a peace offering."
Who can say no to my cookies?
I mean, the fire brigade they-they loved theirs.
People love my cookies.
Mark, is it true your girlfriend left
because of all this happening?
She-She did. Uh, it was the smell of gas that made her leave.
My-My-My sense of smell hadn't been the same since I got COVID,
um, so I couldn't smell the gas,
but my girlfriend could and so she... essentially left.
She, she signed out.
My girlfriend left me because she said that I smelled like
boiled eggs. HE SIGHS SADLY
"My girlfriend broke up with me, cos I smell like eggs."
RASPY LAUGHTER
That smell was him, not a gas pipe.
She even does impressions! Ah, she's amazing.
"Eh-Eh-Egg."
It sounds just like him. Do it again, do it again.
What if he had, like, a British accent, he'll be like,
"My girlfriend broke up with me, cos I smell like bloody egg."
We do sound like that.
'Whilst Nicki and Tom refuse to admit any responsibility
'for the gas leak, Mark is slowly putting his life back together,
'and with some old tea towels
'has safeguarded against any future gas leaks.'
Blocked.
'Back in Bury St Edmunds,
'Floyd Mayweather and his wife, Dua Lipa,
'had complained to the council
'about their neighbour Matthew McConaughey's shady tree
'and after weeks of waiting, they received a reply...
'but it was not what they were expecting.'
The council came back to us and said that-that...
that we need to cut our tree down.
DUA SCOFFS Matthew's tree was somehow
on some landmark list, and because our tree
could potentially harm his tree, we were ordered to...
..cut our tree down.
So all that time using my webcam for surveillance footage
was for nothing.
I lost my place on the D&D team because of that.
And that's when shit got real.
'Baby, look...
'Listen! Uh, baby!'
AXE THUDS
'I'm not sure that's the right kind of axe for that, sweetie.'
I don't care! I'm sick of it!
I'm a gamer! I just want to game in peace!
'Oh, shit, he's in the garden! Wait...
'Hey, that's not... That's Matthew's grandad!
'Oh, that lying piece of shit!
'McConaughey!'
You pushed me way too fucking far this time, man.
That's enough, Matthew!
So this whole time, Matthew's grandad was in fact alive?
Yeah. He was lying to us for three years.
Three years of tree growth.
Three years of short daylight.
Three years of bad feelings.
I'm never goin' get that back.
'Look, I never once said that my grandfather was dead.'
Floyd jumped to that conclusion and I thought it was funny,
so I kinda went along with it.
So it was a joke?
CHUCKLES Yeah.
It, er, got out of hand.
What I meant to say was
this tree is a tribute to my grandfather who bought it.
In B&Q. So why didn't you tell him sooner?
It kinda got funnier, the longer it went on.
'I do feel bad.'
I hope we can be friends again.
I did this thing one summer...
HUMS ALONG TO POUNDING
# Best summer ever BSE... #
Let me hear y'all.
VOCALISES Come on, Floyd!
Matthew confessed to us off camera
that the letter you received from the council was, in fact,
created by him and wasn't a real letter.
What the fuck? What?
The tree wasn't on any sort of landmark register.
Matthew knew that you'd be upset
and he wanted to give you this peace offering to say sorry.
He was hoping there might be another best summer ever.
What do you think?
Oh, I'm gonna tell you what I think.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tell you what I think.
Bullshit!
That's what I think. Yeah.
I woke up this morning, looked outside my window...
..and look what I saw.
Came up overnight.
They must've planted those daisies months ago.
They got me good.
They got me real good.
I love you guys, too!
-Fuck you, McConaughey. -Yeah, you prick!
All right, all right. Now we are having fun!
'On Deep Fake: Neighbour Wars,
'Olivia Colman and Jay-Z's cat is snatched...'
That's attempted kidnap!
'..Will Smith plays peacekeeper,
'and Lorraine Kelly has trouble in her garden.'
I've been attacked in the shins!