1
00:00:14,003 --> 00:00:17,523
'In the UK today,
one in five people

2
00:00:17,523 --> 00:00:19,003
'have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

3
00:00:19,003 --> 00:00:21,003
I am working from home!

4
00:00:21,003 --> 00:00:23,363
'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

5
00:00:23,363 --> 00:00:26,003
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

6
00:00:26,003 --> 00:00:29,683
'..into war zones,
and Victorian terraces...'

7
00:00:29,683 --> 00:00:33,003
These lights need to be taken down
this year!

8
00:00:33,003 --> 00:00:34,683
'..into battle grounds.

9
00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:38,003
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.'

10
00:00:43,003 --> 00:00:45,003
'Alderley Edge, in Cheshire.

11
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,043
'Dog walker, Nicki Minaj,

12
00:00:46,043 --> 00:00:50,003
'and Health and Safety Officer,
Tom Holland,

13
00:00:50,003 --> 00:00:51,003
'moved here four years ago,

14
00:00:51,003 --> 00:00:53,363
'and last year got married.'

15
00:00:55,843 --> 00:00:58,003
You know,
it was love at first sight.

16
00:00:58,003 --> 00:01:00,003
It so was.

17
00:01:00,003 --> 00:01:02,003
He reminded me of a dog.

18
00:01:02,003 --> 00:01:05,003
What? You know how
some dogs have those human eyes?

19
00:01:05,003 --> 00:01:08,003
Tom has those kind of eyes.

20
00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:09,843
Human, but the kind that dogs have.

21
00:01:09,843 --> 00:01:12,003
And you know, being that
I work with so many canines,

22
00:01:12,003 --> 00:01:16,003
looking at those dog eyes
just really made me feel at home.

23
00:01:16,003 --> 00:01:18,003
How could I not put a ring on it?

24
00:01:18,003 --> 00:01:21,003
She's got the four Bs -
brains, beauty, business and...

25
00:01:24,003 --> 00:01:27,003
I can't believe
we're actually married.

26
00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,043
'But shortly after their wedding...'

27
00:01:28,043 --> 00:01:30,003
DRAMATIC MUSIC

28
00:01:30,003 --> 00:01:33,003
'..Nicki and Tom
had a very unsettling encounter

29
00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:35,003
'with their next door neighbour.'

30
00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:39,003
We had just got back
from our honeymoon. Our homecoming.

31
00:01:40,003 --> 00:01:41,043
Tom drops his bags

32
00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:45,523
and then I started following
right behind him like this. Mm.

33
00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,363
The first thing I noticed
was this horrible

34
00:01:47,363 --> 00:01:49,003
sort of boiled egg smell.

35
00:01:49,003 --> 00:01:52,003
Urgh.
Eurgh! Move.

36
00:01:52,003 --> 00:01:55,523
We started entering into the house
to find out what that smell was.

37
00:01:55,523 --> 00:01:59,003
And then I saw him,
and I started to scream...

38
00:01:59,003 --> 00:02:02,003
SHE SCREAMS
..and he was spread out like this.

39
00:02:04,003 --> 00:02:06,003
MIMICS NEIGHBOUR
WHIMPERING

40
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:08,003
'Nicki and Tom
were shocked to discover

41
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,043
'that the intruder was, in fact,

42
00:02:10,043 --> 00:02:13,003
'their next door neighbour,
Mark Zuckerberg,

43
00:02:13,003 --> 00:02:16,003
'who had somehow found his way
into their home.'

44
00:02:17,043 --> 00:02:19,003
It was so strange.

45
00:02:19,003 --> 00:02:21,003
I'd not said more than,
"Hi" or "Hello" to this bloke,

46
00:02:21,003 --> 00:02:23,003
now he's on me bloody sofa.

47
00:02:23,003 --> 00:02:25,003
I was shaking him
trying to wake him up.

48
00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:26,003
Come on, mate.

49
00:02:26,003 --> 00:02:28,843
Mate. Mate, wake up.

50
00:02:28,843 --> 00:02:32,003
Hello? Come on, mate, mate!

51
00:02:32,003 --> 00:02:35,003
And when he woke up,
he didn't even apologise.

52
00:02:35,003 --> 00:02:37,003
He just walked off like this,

53
00:02:37,003 --> 00:02:39,003
"Ay-ay-ay-ay".

54
00:02:39,003 --> 00:02:42,003
Like he was being beamed up
into a starship.

55
00:02:42,003 --> 00:02:46,003
Our spidey senses was tingling
about him, weren't they?

56
00:02:46,003 --> 00:02:49,003
Yeah, I mean,
I just thought he was pissed.

57
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,843
I just thought he'd have a shower,
sleep it off

58
00:02:50,843 --> 00:02:53,003
and we'd return to our routine,
"Hi's" and "Hellos."

59
00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:57,003
'But there was nothing routine
about what happened next...

60
00:02:57,003 --> 00:03:01,003
'as neighbour Mark's actions
became even stranger.

61
00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:09,003
'Leaving behind the troubling times
in Alderley Edge,

62
00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:12,523
'we go now to picturesque
Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk...

63
00:03:15,003 --> 00:03:16,683
'..where wood carver,
Floyd Mayweather,

64
00:03:16,683 --> 00:03:19,003
'and his partner,
online gamer Dua Lipa,

65
00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:21,043
'moved to six years ago.'

66
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:25,203
So, I'm an online gamer
and streamer.

67
00:03:25,203 --> 00:03:28,003
My team recently made it
into the top ten, in Suffolk,

68
00:03:28,003 --> 00:03:30,523
on Dungeons & Dragons.

69
00:03:30,523 --> 00:03:33,003
Wait, I think I'm still logged in,
hold on a sec.

70
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:36,003
She's a hell of a gamer.

71
00:03:38,003 --> 00:03:41,203
Um, oh, and me, uh,
I'm just a lucky guy.

72
00:03:41,203 --> 00:03:44,003
Um, I have a... a beautiful lady.

73
00:03:44,003 --> 00:03:46,003
Um, I really love my job,

74
00:03:46,003 --> 00:03:48,003
and I just love living in Bury.

75
00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:52,003
'On the surface, Floyd and Dua
were the couple who had everything.

76
00:03:54,003 --> 00:03:57,003
'Take that. Eat this!'

77
00:03:57,003 --> 00:04:00,003
'But their idyllic lifestyle
was thrown into turmoil

78
00:04:00,003 --> 00:04:03,003
'with a new arrival next door.'

79
00:04:03,003 --> 00:04:06,003
So we thought we had this really
great neighbour move in next door,

80
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:08,003
Matthew McConaughey.

81
00:04:08,003 --> 00:04:10,203
He was like
one of those mellow types.

82
00:04:10,203 --> 00:04:12,203
Like, he meditates and stuff.

83
00:04:12,203 --> 00:04:14,003
You were good mates,
weren't you?

84
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:17,003
Yeah. We were cool, absolutely.

85
00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:18,363
We had some good times.

86
00:04:18,363 --> 00:04:22,003
One particular summer, we had
a blast watching the World Cup.

87
00:04:22,003 --> 00:04:26,003
Oh, my grandfather's half Croatian,
so...

88
00:04:26,003 --> 00:04:28,003
Uh, I remember
I had called that summer,

89
00:04:28,003 --> 00:04:31,363
best summer ever - BSE.

90
00:04:31,363 --> 00:04:35,003
'But the friendship
began to turn sour

91
00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:38,683
'over a shady spot
in Floyd's garden.'

92
00:04:38,683 --> 00:04:40,683
So, this is my back yard.

93
00:04:40,683 --> 00:04:44,003
This is where I work.
Um, I make these.

94
00:04:44,003 --> 00:04:47,003
You know, it's not the best ever,
but I enjoy it.

95
00:04:47,003 --> 00:04:49,003
You know, and we get by most months.

96
00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:52,003
I like to use nature
for my inspiration.

97
00:04:52,003 --> 00:04:54,003
That's probably why
I like to work outside.

98
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:55,843
Um, you know,
and with the intricate nature

99
00:04:55,843 --> 00:04:58,003
of the work that I do,
I need great lighting.

100
00:04:58,003 --> 00:05:00,003
All my best work happens
under the light.

101
00:05:00,003 --> 00:05:03,003
So, you know, I need good lighting.

102
00:05:05,003 --> 00:05:09,043
'But Floyd's precious lighting
was taken away by a tree.

103
00:05:11,003 --> 00:05:13,003
'One afternoon,
late last summer,

104
00:05:13,003 --> 00:05:16,003
'Floyd was hard at work
on his wood carvings

105
00:05:16,003 --> 00:05:19,003
'when the unthinkable happened.'

106
00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:21,003
We don't even know
how long he's had that tree.

107
00:05:21,003 --> 00:05:23,003
You know, it was OK
for a couple of summers,

108
00:05:23,003 --> 00:05:26,003
but a few years later,
way too much shade.

109
00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:28,843
DRAMATIC MUSIC
INTENSIFIES

110
00:05:32,003 --> 00:05:36,003
As soon as it gets past midday,
I can't use the garden for my work.

111
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,843
What the fuck?

112
00:05:37,843 --> 00:05:39,003
I work from home.

113
00:05:39,003 --> 00:05:41,003
Now we're-we're
the only house on the street

114
00:05:41,003 --> 00:05:43,043
with an earlier sunset
than everybody else.

115
00:05:46,523 --> 00:05:49,003
And, Dua,
how did that make you feel?

116
00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:51,003
Well...
SIGHS

117
00:05:51,003 --> 00:05:53,003
..I didn't care at first,
if I'm honest.

118
00:05:53,003 --> 00:05:55,843
I don't need light, I'm a gamer.

119
00:05:55,843 --> 00:05:57,843
I need it dark.

120
00:05:57,843 --> 00:06:00,003
'But Floyd needed his light back

121
00:06:00,003 --> 00:06:04,003
'and so decided to confront
Matthew McConaughey.'

122
00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:10,003
So, at this particular time,
I had enough,

123
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,003
and I figure
Matthew was a friend of mine,

124
00:06:12,003 --> 00:06:14,003
so I'd just go over here
and talk to him.

125
00:06:14,003 --> 00:06:16,683
So I went over to his house,
just right here,

126
00:06:16,683 --> 00:06:18,203
and knocked on his door
just like this

127
00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:20,003
and I said, "Hey, Matthew,

128
00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:23,003
"do you mind if you could just cut
your tree down just a little?"

129
00:06:23,003 --> 00:06:25,523
He looked at me,
and he said, "Sorry, Floyd,

130
00:06:25,523 --> 00:06:28,203
"this tree contains
the essence of my grandfather."

131
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:34,003
And then he looked at me like...
like he was gonna cry, like...

132
00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:39,003
Yeah, we thought he'd buried
his grandfather's remains

133
00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:41,003
under the tree or something.

134
00:06:41,003 --> 00:06:45,003
It was the most serious thing
that he'd ever said to me. Mm-hm.

135
00:06:46,003 --> 00:06:49,003
'The tree's significance
was confirmed to us

136
00:06:49,003 --> 00:06:51,003
'by next door neighbour
Matthew McConaughey,

137
00:06:51,003 --> 00:06:53,003
'a part-time doula.'

138
00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:56,363
That's right. I'm a part-time doula.

139
00:06:56,363 --> 00:07:00,003
I know what you're thinking -
what's a doula?

140
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:04,003
Well, I support and help women
deliver babies.

141
00:07:04,003 --> 00:07:09,003
A little unusual, I know, but, uh,
I'm just answering nature's call.

142
00:07:09,003 --> 00:07:12,003
Matthew, you said
the tree was important to you.

143
00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:13,203
I said to Floyd

144
00:07:13,203 --> 00:07:17,003
that this tree was
the last memory of my grandfather.

145
00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:22,843
And this man...
he wasn't any grandparent.

146
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,003
No, he would pick me up from school

147
00:07:25,003 --> 00:07:28,363
once every fortnight,
you understand.

148
00:07:28,363 --> 00:07:33,003
Sometimes, I come outside
and I talk to the tree

149
00:07:33,003 --> 00:07:36,003
as though, uh,
as though he was still here.

150
00:07:36,003 --> 00:07:39,003
Floyd said that you said

151
00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:42,003
that if he touched
a single leaf on that tree,

152
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:46,203
you would destroy him.
That's right.

153
00:07:46,203 --> 00:07:49,003
Yes, sir, that is right.

154
00:07:49,003 --> 00:07:55,003
'Coming up, Floyd fights back
with a tree of his own.'

155
00:07:55,003 --> 00:07:58,003
You know in the Bible they say, uh,
it's an eye for an eye,

156
00:07:58,003 --> 00:08:00,003
but this was a tree for a tree.

157
00:08:04,003 --> 00:08:06,003
'Meanwhile, over in Alderley Edge,

158
00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:09,043
'Mark Zuckerberg's strange behaviour

159
00:08:09,043 --> 00:08:14,003
'continued to alarm his neighbours
Tom Holland and Nicki Minaj.'

160
00:08:15,003 --> 00:08:16,043
So, it was my day off...

161
00:08:18,003 --> 00:08:21,003
..and I was making lunch.
NICKI HUMS

162
00:08:21,003 --> 00:08:23,523
Oh yum. Little bit of this...

163
00:08:24,363 --> 00:08:26,003
Man, I love cookin'.

164
00:08:26,003 --> 00:08:31,003
And then I come into the front room,
and I look out onto the street,

165
00:08:31,003 --> 00:08:32,523
and there he is!

166
00:08:32,523 --> 00:08:36,003
Mark, stood there mouth wide open,

167
00:08:36,003 --> 00:08:40,003
motionless for, like, ages..

168
00:08:42,003 --> 00:08:45,003
..and then the next day,
there he is again.

169
00:08:45,003 --> 00:08:50,003
And then, like, a few days later,
there he is AGAIN.

170
00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:53,003
He was right there, looking at me

171
00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:55,003
with those piercing eyes.

172
00:08:55,003 --> 00:09:00,003
He was invading my privacy
with those weird eyes.

173
00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:05,003
No way can I sit idly by hearing
what he was doing to my wife.

174
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,523
It was within my power
and it was my responsibility

175
00:09:07,523 --> 00:09:11,003
and I take my power...
responsibly... greatly.

176
00:09:11,003 --> 00:09:14,003
So I decided to confront
Mr Zuckerberg.

177
00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:18,043
You know, it was calm for, like,
a whole two to three days.

178
00:09:18,043 --> 00:09:20,843
And then the doorbell rung.

179
00:09:20,843 --> 00:09:25,003
And it's him standing there
with a plate of cookies.

180
00:09:26,003 --> 00:09:28,683
Which I refused.

181
00:09:28,683 --> 00:09:32,003
I said to him,
"We don't want no weirdo cookies."

182
00:09:32,003 --> 00:09:35,003
Who knows what that
stinking motherfucker did to them.

183
00:09:35,003 --> 00:09:37,003
But he kept insisting.

184
00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:39,003
"Ooh, accept these cookies,
accept these cookies,

185
00:09:39,003 --> 00:09:41,003
"accept these cookies."

186
00:09:41,003 --> 00:09:43,003
So finally I did -
just to get rid of him.

187
00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:46,003
I wanted him and his egg smell gone.

188
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,003
Next thing we know...
Yeah.

189
00:09:48,003 --> 00:09:51,003
..the guy is on top of our roof...
Our roof!

190
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:54,003
..probably trying to get
a better angle to spy on me.

191
00:09:54,003 --> 00:09:57,003
I mean, who can blame him? Phwoar.

192
00:09:57,003 --> 00:09:58,363
'Coming up...

193
00:09:58,363 --> 00:10:02,003
'Oddball neighbour Mark Zuckerberg
finally cracks...'

194
00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:04,003
Mark, don't do that!

195
00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:07,363
'..and explosive scenes
disturb the peace in Alderley Edge.'

196
00:10:07,363 --> 00:10:10,003
I don't care! I'm sick of it!

197
00:10:17,003 --> 00:10:18,043
'Back in Bury St Edmunds,

198
00:10:18,043 --> 00:10:22,003
'part-time doula
Matthew McConaughey's tree

199
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,043
'was ruining
Floyd Mayweather's work area

200
00:10:24,043 --> 00:10:26,003
'with its relentless shade.

201
00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:30,003
'Having had his polite request
to trim the tree refused,

202
00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:35,003
'Floyd decided
to take Matthew on at his own game.'

203
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,003
So I decided I would plant
my own tree in my garden,

204
00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:40,003
right next to his.

205
00:10:40,003 --> 00:10:41,003
And why was that?

206
00:10:41,003 --> 00:10:43,003
Oh, cos I needed
something that'd go toe to toe

207
00:10:43,003 --> 00:10:45,003
or root to root.

208
00:10:45,003 --> 00:10:47,003
I figure the roots will go down

209
00:10:47,003 --> 00:10:49,003
and maybe mess with his
just a little.

210
00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:51,043
Sure, his tree's a lot bigger,
more experienced,

211
00:10:51,043 --> 00:10:55,003
longer reach, um, but I like an
underdog, there's always a chance.

212
00:10:55,003 --> 00:10:57,003
You know, in the Bible they say, uh,

213
00:10:57,003 --> 00:11:00,683
it's "an eye for an eye",
but this was a tree for a tree.

214
00:11:01,683 --> 00:11:04,363
You know what,
I thought it was a bush at first.

215
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:06,003
I thought...
CHUCKLES

216
00:11:06,003 --> 00:11:10,043
.."that's cute, look at him
trying to grow something."

217
00:11:10,043 --> 00:11:12,003
I was playing the long game.

218
00:11:12,003 --> 00:11:13,003
I was playing it smart.

219
00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:15,003
Matthew had no idea.

220
00:11:15,003 --> 00:11:18,003
He thought I just got quiet
and let it slide.

221
00:11:18,003 --> 00:11:21,523
Uh-uh. For two years,
my tree was getting bigger...

222
00:11:22,523 --> 00:11:25,003
..and bigger and bigger.

223
00:11:27,003 --> 00:11:28,523
..and bigger.

224
00:11:30,683 --> 00:11:33,003
It took me two years to realise
what was happening.

225
00:11:33,003 --> 00:11:37,003
I'd noticed that
Floyd had been a crafty little guy

226
00:11:37,003 --> 00:11:39,003
and planted a tree.

227
00:11:39,003 --> 00:11:44,003
'Matthew was now under threat
from a genuine contender.'

228
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,523
I thought to myself,

229
00:11:46,523 --> 00:11:51,003
"All right, all right, all right,
now we are having fun.'

230
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:57,003
Then one day, I saw, like,
a white powder around the tree,

231
00:11:57,003 --> 00:12:01,003
and I wasn't sure if it was, like,
salt or if it was sugar, so...

232
00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:05,003
You know, I got down on my knees,
and I tasted it.

233
00:12:08,363 --> 00:12:11,683
It was salt sprinkled
all around the tree roots.

234
00:12:11,683 --> 00:12:15,363
Floyd found out that
rock salt can kill tree roots.

235
00:12:15,363 --> 00:12:17,003
It takes weeks
for salt to kill a tree

236
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:19,003
and it takes several doses,

237
00:12:19,003 --> 00:12:21,683
so I found out that who...
whoever did this,

238
00:12:21,683 --> 00:12:23,003
they was coming back.

239
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:24,203
So you know what I did?

240
00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:28,003
I got Dua's webcam
and I used it as surveillance.

241
00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:32,363
It meant that I couldn't do
any gaming, which was annoying.

242
00:12:32,363 --> 00:12:37,003
'And it wasn't long before
Floyd and Dua's plan paid off.'

243
00:12:38,203 --> 00:12:41,003
MCCONAUGHEY ON WEBCAM:
'All right, here we go.'

244
00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:43,003
HE CACKLES

245
00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:45,043
It's on now.

246
00:12:49,003 --> 00:12:51,683
And when we saw this,
I knew we had him.

247
00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:53,523
So that's when
I reported him to the council.

248
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:57,003
I told him
it was simply preposterous.

249
00:12:57,003 --> 00:13:00,003
I would never take
the life of a tree.

250
00:13:00,003 --> 00:13:03,203
I was simply having
problems with slugs,

251
00:13:03,203 --> 00:13:09,003
and I had identified a route
they were using to enter my garden.

252
00:13:10,003 --> 00:13:11,523
All right.

253
00:13:12,523 --> 00:13:16,003
'Coming up, Dua's got new rules.'

254
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:19,003
I don't care! I'm sick of it!

255
00:13:19,003 --> 00:13:22,003
I'm a gamer!
I just want to game in peace!

256
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:23,003
Hey, wait, baby.

257
00:13:27,003 --> 00:13:28,843
'Back in Alderley Edge,

258
00:13:28,843 --> 00:13:32,003
'newlyweds Nicki Minaj
and Tom Holland's privacy

259
00:13:32,003 --> 00:13:36,003
'had been invaded by
their unhinged next door neighbour,

260
00:13:36,003 --> 00:13:38,003
'Mark Zuckerberg.'

261
00:13:38,003 --> 00:13:42,843
He was invading my privacy
with those weird eyes.

262
00:13:42,843 --> 00:13:46,683
'But next door neighbour
driving instructor Mark,

263
00:13:46,683 --> 00:13:49,003
'felt he was being
unfairly misrepresented.'

264
00:13:51,003 --> 00:13:54,003
So, I fully admit
that my behaviour was strange.

265
00:13:54,003 --> 00:13:58,003
But I did not intend to invade
anybody's privacy. No, senator.

266
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:04,003
Uh, for months, I was having
these strange episodes of confusion

267
00:14:04,003 --> 00:14:05,683
and I didn't know why.

268
00:14:05,683 --> 00:14:09,003
But eventually...
everything came to a head.

269
00:14:09,003 --> 00:14:10,843
DISTURBING MOAN

270
00:14:10,843 --> 00:14:13,003
Oh, my God!
What the hell's he doing now?

271
00:14:13,003 --> 00:14:15,003
Get the fuck off my roof, Mark!

272
00:14:15,003 --> 00:14:19,003
Mark, hell, no.
I'm gonna get him down myself.

273
00:14:19,003 --> 00:14:22,003
Nicki, he's fallen!
Oh, my God!

274
00:14:23,003 --> 00:14:26,003
SHE SCREAMS
Nicki, I'm scared!

275
00:14:26,003 --> 00:14:30,003
So I was on top of the roof
and all confused again.

276
00:14:31,043 --> 00:14:36,003
It was a very dangerous situation,
so I made a friend request...

277
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:39,843
Excuse me, I requested from a friend
to call the fire brigade

278
00:14:39,843 --> 00:14:43,003
and they arrived
and they got me down safely.

279
00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:44,003
Go, fire brigade.

280
00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:45,003
SIRENS WAIL

281
00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:47,843
We'll take it from here.
Ladder's over there.

282
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:49,683
There we go there.

283
00:14:49,683 --> 00:14:53,003
And then when they were here,
they noticed the funny smell,

284
00:14:53,003 --> 00:14:56,003
and they noticed
that there was a gas leak.

285
00:14:56,003 --> 00:15:00,203
So I suddenly figured out what had
been wrong with me this whole time.

286
00:15:00,203 --> 00:15:02,003
I had gas poisoning.

287
00:15:02,003 --> 00:15:06,003
HE LAUGHS

288
00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:11,003
So, this is
Nicki and Tom's gas pipe here

289
00:15:11,003 --> 00:15:13,003
and it was leaking
through my air brick here

290
00:15:13,003 --> 00:15:15,683
and that was leaking
into my property.

291
00:15:15,683 --> 00:15:18,003
And Tom
is a health and safety officer

292
00:15:18,003 --> 00:15:21,003
so I was a little bit surprised
that he didn't realise.

293
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:24,003
I was surprised by that.

294
00:15:24,003 --> 00:15:25,003
When I come through
that front door,

295
00:15:25,003 --> 00:15:26,523
I turn off from work

296
00:15:26,523 --> 00:15:30,003
and my only priority
is making sure my queen is happy.

297
00:15:33,003 --> 00:15:35,043
The gas poisoning meant
that I couldn't think straight.

298
00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:38,003
You know,
I was all groggy and confused

299
00:15:38,003 --> 00:15:41,003
and that's why I was, like,
standing in the front drive

300
00:15:41,003 --> 00:15:43,683
like a lunatic all the time.
You know, I was, like...

301
00:15:43,683 --> 00:15:46,003
MIMICS ZOMBIE MOAN

302
00:15:46,003 --> 00:15:49,003
HE LAUGHS

303
00:15:49,003 --> 00:15:54,003
And when Tom came to my door...
wagging his finger in my face,

304
00:15:54,003 --> 00:15:59,003
I-I genuinely had no idea
what was on his mind.

305
00:15:59,003 --> 00:16:03,003
'I was so shocked that
I-I didn't say a word.'

306
00:16:04,003 --> 00:16:07,003
But I thought
that he was really cross,

307
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:11,003
so I thought, "Hey, maybe
some cookies as a peace offering."

308
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:14,003
Who can say no to my cookies?

309
00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:17,003
I mean, the fire brigade
they-they loved theirs.

310
00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:19,003
People love my cookies.

311
00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:21,003
Mark,
is it true your girlfriend left

312
00:16:21,003 --> 00:16:23,003
because of all this happening?

313
00:16:23,003 --> 00:16:27,523
She-She did. Uh, it was the smell
of gas that made her leave.

314
00:16:27,523 --> 00:16:32,003
My-My-My sense of smell hadn't been
the same since I got COVID,

315
00:16:32,003 --> 00:16:34,003
um, so I couldn't smell the gas,

316
00:16:34,003 --> 00:16:40,003
but my girlfriend could
and so she... essentially left.

317
00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:42,003
She, she signed out.

318
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:46,003
My girlfriend left me because
she said that I smelled like

319
00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:48,003
boiled eggs.
HE SIGHS SADLY

320
00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:53,003
"My girlfriend broke up with me,
cos I smell like eggs."

321
00:16:53,003 --> 00:16:54,003
RASPY LAUGHTER

322
00:16:54,003 --> 00:16:57,003
That smell was him,
not a gas pipe.

323
00:16:57,003 --> 00:16:59,043
She even does impressions!
Ah, she's amazing.

324
00:16:59,043 --> 00:17:02,003
"Eh-Eh-Egg."

325
00:17:02,003 --> 00:17:05,003
It sounds just like him.
Do it again, do it again.

326
00:17:05,003 --> 00:17:07,043
What if he had, like,
a British accent, he'll be like,

327
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:12,003
"My girlfriend broke up with me,
cos I smell like bloody egg."

328
00:17:12,003 --> 00:17:14,003
We do sound like that.

329
00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:17,003
'Whilst Nicki and Tom
refuse to admit any responsibility

330
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:21,003
'for the gas leak, Mark is slowly
putting his life back together,

331
00:17:21,003 --> 00:17:23,003
'and with some old tea towels

332
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:26,003
'has safeguarded against
any future gas leaks.'

333
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:32,003
Blocked.

334
00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:38,003
'Back in Bury St Edmunds,

335
00:17:38,003 --> 00:17:41,003
'Floyd Mayweather
and his wife, Dua Lipa,

336
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:43,003
'had complained to the council

337
00:17:43,003 --> 00:17:46,003
'about their neighbour
Matthew McConaughey's shady tree

338
00:17:46,003 --> 00:17:50,003
'and after weeks of waiting,
they received a reply...

339
00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:52,003
'but it was not
what they were expecting.'

340
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:57,003
The council came back to us
and said that-that...

341
00:17:57,003 --> 00:17:59,003
that we need to cut our tree down.

342
00:17:59,003 --> 00:18:02,003
DUA SCOFFS
Matthew's tree was somehow

343
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:05,003
on some landmark list,
and because our tree

344
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:07,203
could potentially harm his tree,
we were ordered to...

345
00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:09,003
..cut our tree down.

346
00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:12,003
So all that time using my webcam
for surveillance footage

347
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,003
was for nothing.

348
00:18:14,003 --> 00:18:17,203
I lost my place
on the D&D team because of that.

349
00:18:19,843 --> 00:18:21,203
And that's when shit got real.

350
00:18:21,203 --> 00:18:23,003
'Baby, look...

351
00:18:23,003 --> 00:18:26,003
'Listen! Uh, baby!'

352
00:18:26,003 --> 00:18:27,363
AXE THUDS

353
00:18:27,363 --> 00:18:30,003
'I'm not sure that's the right
kind of axe for that, sweetie.'

354
00:18:30,003 --> 00:18:32,003
I don't care! I'm sick of it!

355
00:18:32,003 --> 00:18:35,363
I'm a gamer!
I just want to game in peace!

356
00:18:35,363 --> 00:18:38,003
'Oh, shit,
he's in the garden! Wait...

357
00:18:38,003 --> 00:18:40,003
'Hey, that's not...
That's Matthew's grandad!

358
00:18:40,003 --> 00:18:43,003
'Oh, that lying piece of shit!

359
00:18:43,003 --> 00:18:45,003
'McConaughey!'

360
00:18:45,003 --> 00:18:47,003
You pushed me way too fucking far
this time, man.

361
00:18:47,003 --> 00:18:48,363
That's enough, Matthew!

362
00:18:48,363 --> 00:18:53,003
So this whole time,
Matthew's grandad was in fact alive?

363
00:18:53,003 --> 00:18:57,003
Yeah.
He was lying to us for three years.

364
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:59,843
Three years of tree growth.

365
00:18:59,843 --> 00:19:02,363
Three years of short daylight.

366
00:19:02,363 --> 00:19:04,003
Three years of bad feelings.

367
00:19:06,003 --> 00:19:07,843
I'm never goin' get that back.

368
00:19:13,843 --> 00:19:17,003
'Look, I never once
said that my grandfather was dead.'

369
00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:21,003
Floyd jumped to that conclusion
and I thought it was funny,

370
00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:23,003
so I kinda went along with it.

371
00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:25,003
So it was a joke?

372
00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:26,523
CHUCKLES
Yeah.

373
00:19:26,523 --> 00:19:29,003
It, er, got out of hand.

374
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,523
What I meant to say was

375
00:19:30,523 --> 00:19:34,363
this tree is a tribute to
my grandfather who bought it.

376
00:19:36,003 --> 00:19:39,003
In B&Q.
So why didn't you tell him sooner?

377
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:42,003
It kinda got funnier,
the longer it went on.

378
00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:44,003
'I do feel bad.'

379
00:19:45,003 --> 00:19:48,003
I hope we can be friends again.

380
00:19:48,003 --> 00:19:50,003
I did this thing one summer...

381
00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:56,003
HUMS ALONG
TO POUNDING

382
00:19:56,003 --> 00:19:59,003
# Best summer ever BSE... #

383
00:19:59,003 --> 00:20:00,203
Let me hear y'all.

384
00:20:00,203 --> 00:20:03,843
VOCALISES
Come on, Floyd!

385
00:20:06,003 --> 00:20:09,003
Matthew confessed to us
off camera

386
00:20:09,003 --> 00:20:12,003
that the letter you received
from the council was, in fact,

387
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:15,003
created by him
and wasn't a real letter.

388
00:20:15,003 --> 00:20:17,003
What the fuck?
What?

389
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:19,003
The tree wasn't on
any sort of landmark register.

390
00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:22,003
Matthew knew that you'd be upset

391
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:26,003
and he wanted to give you
this peace offering to say sorry.

392
00:20:26,003 --> 00:20:29,523
He was hoping there might be
another best summer ever.

393
00:20:29,523 --> 00:20:31,003
What do you think?

394
00:20:31,003 --> 00:20:33,043
Oh, I'm gonna tell you what I think.

395
00:20:33,043 --> 00:20:36,003
Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna tell you what I think.

396
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:41,003
Bullshit!

397
00:20:41,003 --> 00:20:43,003
That's what I think.
Yeah.

398
00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:57,003
I woke up this morning,
looked outside my window...

399
00:20:58,003 --> 00:21:00,003
..and look what I saw.

400
00:21:00,003 --> 00:21:01,683
Came up overnight.

401
00:21:01,683 --> 00:21:05,203
They must've planted those daisies
months ago.

402
00:21:05,203 --> 00:21:07,843
They got me good.

403
00:21:07,843 --> 00:21:09,003
They got me real good.

404
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:13,003
I love you guys, too!

405
00:21:13,003 --> 00:21:15,003
-Fuck you, McConaughey.
-Yeah, you prick!

406
00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:18,003
All right, all right.
Now we are having fun!

407
00:21:43,003 --> 00:21:45,003
'On Deep Fake: Neighbour Wars,

408
00:21:45,003 --> 00:21:48,523
'Olivia Colman and Jay-Z's cat
is snatched...'

409
00:21:48,523 --> 00:21:51,003
That's attempted kidnap!

410
00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:53,003
'..Will Smith plays peacekeeper,

411
00:21:53,003 --> 00:21:55,003
'and Lorraine Kelly
has trouble in her garden.'

412
00:21:55,003 --> 00:21:58,003
I've been attacked in the shins!