'In the UK today,
'one in five people have a dispute with their neighbour.'
I am working from home!
'These escalate...' She threw the first one!
'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...' Shut up!
'..into war zones,
'and Victorian terraces...'
These lights need to be taken down this year!
'..into battlegrounds.
'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.
'Kidbrooke in South East London
'is where single mother Rihanna RiRi and son Baby Kev
'have been living for 18 months.'
Well, the area had everything I needed.
A Co-Op at the end of the road.
It was nice and quiet,
and we had a great relationship with Mr Bolt next door.
'Recently separated from his wife,
'Rihanna's next door neighbour, Usain Bolt,
'had no grandchildren of his own,
'but got on great with his neighbours.'
RIHANNA'S VOICE FROM PHONE: 'On your marks... get set...
'Go!' CHILD LAUGHS
Oh, he became like a granddad to Baby Kev, you know.
And our doors were always open.
I mean, he even shared his Wi-Fi password.
He had high speed fibre optics.
'You're the fastest boy in the world.
'You better not be a drugs cheat.'
And then everything started to change.
'Ex-farmer Phoebe Waller-Bridge met Usain Bolt
'after they met on the online dating site, Lightning Love.'
To begin with, she seemed OK,
but the first problem was her fragrance -
chickens mixed with a goat.
I mean, it was so smelly.
Especially when the wind would blow this way.
But, Usain, he seemed happy, you know.
'Then, one day, and without warning,
'Rihanna couldn't work out why her internet wasn't working.'
So, I tried a few times,
but it was his internet Wi-Fi
that he had shared with me for two years just disappeared.
I mean it used to say "Speedygonzales958",
but then a new one appeared that read,
"Get your own bloody internet."
That's when I realised this woman might be trouble.
Something wasn't right. Something was amiss.
I was not ready for what was coming next.
So, I came out to take my washing in,
and I noticed someone had stolen my underwear,
but they took my bloomers...
..and not my thongs.
They were right here.
Strange.
'Coming up...'
I know it's you that's been thieving my pants.
'This street in Coventry may look like your typical terraced road,
'but this is home to Jake Paul,
'one of Britain's youngest and most ambitious pigeon fanciers,
'training pigeons for racing,
'and he told us about his prizewinning bird.'
I got him from a show in Wigan.
Soon as I saw him, I knew he was special.
The first week I had him,
I drove him out to Coombe Abbey and let him go,
and by the time I got back to the house,
he was there waiting for me on the shed.
And I thought "Here we go."
A pigeon like that comes along once in a lifetime.
I named him Logan's Run. That's you, buddy.
PIGEON COOS
If you'd have asked me 12 months ago,
I'd have told you he was nailed on to win the British title.
We weren't here to take part.
We were here to take over.
'But Logan's training wasn't going quite to plan.'
These are Logan's training times from last June.
As you can see here,
he is actually getting slower each time,
which is the opposite of what you'd expect.
He should've been peaking.
'But it wasn't just the pigeon's times which were worrying Jake.'
I started to notice a big change in his overall vibe.
Like, he was really distant and quite standoffish.
PIGEON COOS
We live and train together,
so the slightest change in behaviour... I can sense it.
It's like we speak the same language.
I mean, they don't actually speak, though.
Obviously.
'Jake decided to take Logan's Run to a pigeon specialist.
'What Jake found out stopped him dead in his tracks.'
He said there was nothing physically wrong with him,
but he was spooked.
Once a pigeon's been spooked,
it is almost impossible to get them racing again.
'But it was Jake who was about to get spooked next.'
It was about 1700 hours pm.
I'd just come out to change the feeders.
I know it was that time because The Chase was on,
and I kinda turned to head back inside
for the Final Chase.
Three of the team had gotten through the Cash Builder,
so I knew it was gonna be a good one,
and I don't know what made me look up,
but it was just like I got this feeling.
I look up, and there it is.
'Coming up, Jake and his neighbour go head-to-head.'
No! No! They're pooping all over my awning!
'We move now from Coventry to Kidbrooke,
'where Rihanna was a victim of a thief with a penchant for pants.'
Every time I put a wash out to dry, my pants were going missing.
Bloomers, bloomers, it's gone missing.
I was racking my brains,
but I thought, "There's only one person who it could be."
'Next door neighbours Usain and Phoebe Waller-Bridge-Bolt
'strenuously deny any wrongdoing.'
Hungry little goat, aren't you? Yeah.
Good boy.
The first thing she had a problem with
was the smell of the chickens.
Apparently, the odour was ruining her dinner times.
And what was she eating? Chicken!
Yeah, ridiculous.
'And then, one afternoon, Rihanna was taking her rubbish out,
'and noticed something.'
So, I was here, and I look over there,
and I noticed a little bit of cloth poking out of the bin.
So I pulled at it, and I realised it's my panties.
That's when I realised the thief lived in that house.
I mean, it was their bin.
It was like she was sticking two fingers up at me.
Then she turns up out of the blue, going full-blown mental.
We were watching TV.
LOUD KNOCKING
There's this banging on the front door,
so I go and answer it.
I thought, "This sounds serious."
So I went over by the window.
It's Rihanna.
She looked like a good girl gone bad.
We caught it all on the doorbell camera.
Hello? You've been stealing my pants.
What on earth are you talking about?
Don't play the innocent act.
I know it's you that's been thieving my pants.
Why on earth would I do that?
I don't know. Maybe you're a kinky bitch.
No. Right, get off my land or I will call the police.
And then SHE called the police.
I've done nothing wrong, and the police agree,
so she started posting about me on social media.
She just took my face without my permission
and started posting it on other people's bodies.
Those images combined had 38 likes.
I had people shouting "knicker thief" at me on the street.
My mental health was affected.
'Rihanna wanted to catch the thief red-handed,
'so set up a camera in her kitchen window
'and pointed it directly at the washing line.'
It took a few goes,
but eventually I caught the culprit coming through a hole in the hedge.
GOAT BLEATS
It turns out it was her goat that was stealing my pants.
No, no, no, I've only just got them!
I felt vindicated.
I've never stolen pants in my life.
I was quite surprised that goats eat pants.
'Coming up...' Phoebe, don't throw it.
'..criminal damage on both sides.'
Stop! CAT SHRIEKS
'Back in Coventry,
'Jake Paul was trying to get to the bottom
'of why his prize pigeon had totally lost his mojo.'
He was really distant and quite standoffish.
'What he discovered sent chills down his spine.'
As I've looked up, it caught my eye.
A bird scarer, right above the flight path.
Farmers use them to protect their crops,
but I never thought for a second
someone on this street would have one.
Suddenly, it all made sense.
It was her.
From next door.
'Newly single caretaker
'and shopping channel enthusiast Adele Atkins
'recently moved to Coventry
'after splitting with her long-term boyfriend.
'Never one to miss a deal,
'Adele knows a steal when she sees one.'
I saw it on the shopping channels.
They dropped the price, I thought, "Oh, I'm having that."
Got nothing else to spend my money on
since that lump of shite buggered off.
It's my property,
and as far as I'm concerned, I can do what I like.
Have it.
'Along with the owl,
'Adele had recently splashed out on an electrical awning.'
It's fully automated, runs completely off a motor.
The difference between this and your bog-standard awning
is the sheer quality of the tarp.
It keeps the heat in in the winter,
and has cooling properties in the summer.
And you get all that for £995,
nothing to pay for the first 12 months.
I'll send you a link, babes.
'But Adele's owl wasn't just a bargain she couldn't refuse -
'it was a necessity.'
I'd just cleaned out the air fryer,
and I was sat here having a cup of tea,
and then I just hear this "plop, plop, plop" sound.
I'm looking around, thinking, "Have I left a tap on?"
Then it goes again, "plop, plop, plop."
Sounds like it's coming from above me.
So, I've run upstairs, like this.
Come in here, look out the window,
and the awning is covered in - Now, excuse my language - excrement.
'Adele's new awning was covered in birds' faeces.'
Now, it's got easy-clean technology, that's not the issue,
but it's the principle of it.
I'm a single woman, on my own, by myself,
trying to make a fresh start.
I moved to Cov' to be near my sister. She's got angina.
If I wanted pigeons all over me,
I'd cover myself in jam and hang out in Trafalgar Square.
You just don't expect it in Cov'.
They're athletes of the sky.
They're on a special diet. They don't just shit anywhere.
So I went round,
and I politely asked Adele to take it down.
I'm in the lounge, and I just hear this aggressive knocking.
KNOCKING
And I'm thinking, "That's odd, why haven't they used the doorbell?"
It's got over 40 polyphonic ringtones
and integrated movement sensor.
But I don't even answer.
I'm just at the glass shouting "Hello?" from the other side.
'But the intrusion on Adele didn't stop at just the front door.'
I've come out here to peg my washing out,
save on the tumble dryer costs,
and then I just hear this buzzing above me.
I think, "What the bloody hell's that?"
I look up, I got a pair of britches in one hand, a cardie in the other.
He's only flying a drone over my house.
I knew exactly what it was,
cos I got one out the catalogue six months ago,
but I sent it back, cos battery life were cack.
Mind my language.
'Adele felt that the drone was an invasion on her privacy.'
I couldn't believe it. He was spying on me.
A woman on her own?
So I dropped the britches and I run inside the house.
I get inside, and I just shut the door,
and I turn all the lights off - partly out of fear
and partly it's saving the electricity.
You've just got to.
I was shaking for the rest of the day.
I was supposed to be taking my sister to the doctor's
for her psoriasis, but I just couldn't face it.
'Now it wasn't just Jake's prized pigeon who was spooked.
'Adele decided to take action immediately.'
I get this through the door from the NPRA,
National Pigeon Racers' Association,
saying that I cannot use my drone in a built-up area.
I knew straight away where the complaint had come from.
Now, look, I only send it up there
to monitor and improve the flight of the birds, OK?
It is those one percents that can get you on the podium.
If you get a bird into the top three of the British Open,
you can add a grand onto the sale price straight away.
Not that I'd ever sell him. Obviously.
'Jake agreed to stop flying the drone over Adele's airspace.
'But there was more drama still to come.'
The letter didn't say anything about installing CCTV, though.
'Coming up...'
'Bugger off.'
'..Adele is swept away by flying visitors.'
'Shoo, you little bastards!'
'Finally, in Kidbrooke, the pant thief had been found.'
Here you go, Rhubarb. There you go.
'But relations hadn't improved.'
Well, I'm off to do the guinea pigs now.
I still said hello to Usain,
but I had zero interactions with Mrs Waller-Bridge-Bolt.
Her goat, Rhubarb, ate six pairs of my pants.
These are my good ones!
That's nearly a week's worth.
'Rihanna fixed the hole in her fence and got herself some kittens.'
My cats seem way happier.
I'm sorry, this is Fenty,
and that is Eve.
I love my cats.
'With the goat and underwear situation resolved,
'it wasn't long before Usain found himself
'in the middle of yet another dispute.'
So, there's this tree on the street, right outside of Rihanna's house,
and it is a nightmare for sap.
Even if you park your car underneath for even, like, a day,
your car's all sticky and resiny,
it just drips down and covers everything.
Nobody wants to park their car underneath.
Phoebe thought Rihanna should park her car underneath,
because that's the spot right outside her house.
So, I only just popped to the post office, came back,
and she'd moved her car from where it was under the sap tree
to where my car had been parked.
I thought, "Bloody hell!"
She hadn't gone anywhere, she'd just stolen my space.
Yeah, she actually did.
So, I came out through the house, out here to the garden,
and she's sat under her umbrella...
Er, er, er... ..looking very pleased with herself.
So I said "You stole my space. That was my space.
"Like, who do you think you are?"
And she said, very sarcastically, "Oh, sorry. Here, have an apple."
And she threw it at me, but it hit my house.
So I picked it up and threw it back at hers. Silly cow.
'Watching from a window...' Hey, stop it!
Phoebe, don't throw it. Well, she threw the first one.
'Usain caught the whole apple fight on camera.'
Phoebe, don't throw it. Get out of my way.
Ugh! What are you doing?
PHOEBE GROANS
No! You're killing Eve! You're killing Eve!
Good, the dirty fleabag!
GROANING, CAT SHRIEKS
'The police soon arrived,
'and Rhubarb the goat was taken away by the RSPCA.
'And sadly, since making this programme,
'Phoebe and Usain's marriage broke down and ended.
'But for Rihanna and Baby Kev, life is back to normal.'
Of course I'm sad things didn't work out between me and Phoebe...
..but that's how life goes sometimes.
CHUCKLES
You know, I should have seen the signs.
She was quite strange, really.
'She used to turn and... and speak to an imaginary friend.
'That got on my nerves.'
RIHANNA IN DISTANCE: No, Baby Kev, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, no!
CHUCKLES Kids will be kids, huh?
LAUGHS
'Back in Coventry,
'the conflict between two warring neighbours
'was about to take off in a big way.'
It was bad enough the awning was forever covered
in those pigeons' skyfall, excuse my language.
Then, no sooner had the drone gone, I look up,
he's got a CCTV camera on his back wall
pointing right at me.
A woman on her own.
Tell me that's not weird? That's weird.
Yeah, it is weird.
I wasn't spying on her.
I was using the CCTV to watch the pigeons
when they take off and when they land.
I record every run we do and watch them back.
One night, I'm scrolling through the footage, and...
there it is.
'Bugger off.'
This is from the external microphone outside.
'Shoo, you little bastards!'
I never thought she'd resort to something like that.
I wasn't trying to hurt his pigeons.
I was just doing a home workout.
Is that a crime, is it?
Woman on her own, trying to keep fit.
'Jake tried to report the incident to the police,
'but officers stated that the footage was inconclusive.
'He has since decided to stop training the birds.'
'I was chasing a crazy dream.'
I'll never raise a champion here.
I decided from that day to stop pushing them so hard,
and just keep them as friends.
Hey, buddy, how are you doing today?
PIGEON COOS
Once the pigeons were no longer a problem,
I thought, "Sod it, I'll get another one."
So I sent back the original, complained, got a refund.
Result. Double bubble.
I also got some solar lights for the back garden.
She's clearly a lonely woman
who is looking for happiness in material possessions.
I got it in the clearance.
It's meant for kids, but it works for me.
I just wanna move on with my life now,
be happy here in Cov'.
I don't wanna fuss, and I'm not one for arguments.
I got myself a whippet, too.
I just wanna enjoy my animals without all the drama.
DOG BARKING
Oh, for fuck's sake!
'..on Deep Fake Neighbour Wars,
'backyard battles with Billie Eilish and Beyonce.'
I am working from home! I am working from home!
'And Chris Rock's backyard gym gets unwanted visitors.'
BEES BUZZING