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In the UK today,

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one in five people
have a dispute with their neighbour.

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I am working from home!

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These escalate...
He threw the first one!

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..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...
Shut up!

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Argh!
..into war zones.

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And Victorian terraces...

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These lights need to be
taken down this year!

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..into battle grounds.
This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.

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We begin in Catford, South London,
where Idris Elba,

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a handyman, barman, mobile phone
repairer, car detailer, chef,

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delivery driver and DJ,

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had lived peacefully in this
ground-floor flat for over 20 years.

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I'd loved it here.

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I just do my thing and normally,
I get on with everyone.

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My flat had this communal garden
that no-one ever used,

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had it all to myself.
Kept it nice and tidy, I did.

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Herbs for my own cooking.

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Roses. I make perfume with water
and the rose petals, I do.

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It's beautiful, sell it on Etsy.
Ooh, mind out.

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Lovely.

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Compost area.

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Everything in the garden
had its place

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and it was just like a simple order
to things that, you know, just...

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It just made it work
as a garden, right?

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But then Idris started noticing

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there was an intruder
to the communal garden.

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I come out to check on my Brassicas,

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which is not an easy plant
to get right, I'll have you know.

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As I come out, I see four towels
hanging off the pergola.

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They've been there all night,
and then, two days later,

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there was a paddling pool
right over there,

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which left a big yellow patch
on the grass,

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which old muggins here
had to sort out.

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Not easy, I'll have you know.

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And then, one morning,
I got the shock of my life

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when I saw an intruder just lying
here in a bikini on a sun lounger.

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I mean,
who starts sunbathing at 9am?

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She was right here, right here.
And she was hogging the whole garden

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until, like, 2pm.

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The woman Idris had mistaken
for an intruder

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was, in fact, his new neighbour,
bus driver Kim Kardashian,

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who had recently moved in
to the first-floor flat.

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When you've come from
a background like mine,

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a high-rise in Kentish Town,

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having a garden you can call
your own is such a huge blessing.

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I couldn't wait to get
my family around for a barbecue.

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South East London was a long-held
dream for bus driver Kim,

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and there was
one bus route in particular

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which held the key to her happiness.

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Everyone wants the 828 route.
It's so scenic.

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It actually drives past my house.

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My last route was
the least interesting to look at.

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So I got off my ass and I worked.

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And finally, they gave me the 828.

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But for bus driver Kim, that
blessing soon turned into a curse

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when her downstairs neighbour,
Idris Elba, confronted her.

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Well, I was just lying here
in the communal garden

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and he made me feel like
an intruder.

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I mean, this is a communal garden

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and I had just as much right
to be here as him.

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Idris told us
you were out here all day.

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I was, but I didn't plan to be.
But his attitude sucked.

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So I decided to make a stand.

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Coming up... Kim Kardashian
tries to get over things.

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Do I look like a hurdle-ist?
I am not a hurdle-ist.

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From the capital city and Catford,

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to the Essex Estuary,
Southend-on-Sea.

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Home to Adventure Island and
the world's longest pleasure pier.

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Single mother Greta Thunberg

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left behind her snowy home
in Kiruna, Sweden,

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and made a dream move
to Southend-on-Sea

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to raise her newborn son.

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It has always been
one of my hopes and dreams

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for my son, Algae, to grow up here,
away from the long Swedish winters.

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Here, you have your chips and fish

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and your tiny castles made of sand
by the hands of children.

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But Greta was shocked when she
discovered she'd left behind

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one winter wonderland and moved
right next door to another.

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SHE SOOTHES BABY

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The first morning I come down
my nice, quiet street...

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..the house was covered
in Christmas tat!

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I thought,
"It is in the middle of July."

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I check my calendar
to see if I've gone bonkers.

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But when the sun went down,
things got worse.

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TINNY FESTIVE MUSIC

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It was unforgiveable.

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All night long, the neighbours'
little Santy Clauses would sing,

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"Blah-blah-blah,
blah-blah-blah," all lit up.

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FESTIVE MUSIC CONTINUES

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Upstairs in the nursery, little
Algae would be trying to sleep

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in the Sniggler,
but night after night,

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the light and the noises
would force their way

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through the Viligenborden and he
would cry his little Swedish tears.

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BABY CRYING

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These people
were stealing his childhood.

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Then, two days after I move in,

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this Christmas card
comes through the front door.

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The card was from neighbours
Conor McGregor and Ariana Grande.

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"Dear neighbour, season's greetings,
we promise we are not mad."

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I did nothing to make them mad!

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Already,
they're accusing me of nothing.

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"You must come over

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"for a traditional
English Christmas dinner.

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"There will be no Swedish meatballs,

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"but I'm sure
we can wrestle up a swede."

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So now they're threatening
physical violence.

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And then they call me a ho,
three times.

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"Ho, ho, ho."

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It felt like an attack.

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I had no choice but to fight back
with a letter of my own.

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Coming up, Greta fights back
with a letter of her own,

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and Conor McGregor and Ariana Grande
give their side of the story -

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and it's "snow" joke.

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Three, two, one, snow!

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LAUGHTER

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Back in Catford,
Idris Elba was having trouble

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sharing the communal garden

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with his new neighbour,
Kim Kardashian.

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Look, I didn't have an issue with
Kim using the garden, all right?

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It was just she was
using it too much,

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and I didn't like
how she was using it.

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Have a listen, look. Er,
there was a three-hour sunbathe...

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HE MUMBLES
..Kisstory on loud.

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And, er, a 45-minute phone call -
on speaker!

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Yoga, yoga, yoga, yoga, yoga...

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A fair bit of bloody yoga as well.

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Oh, here's the main one,
here's the main one.

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A rotary washing line
would appear randomly, randomly!

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I mean, what the...?
The noise it made, the squeak.

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It just went right through me.

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METALLIC SQUEAKING

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And if there's one thing
that someone from Catford knows,

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it's when they're being mugged off.

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And I... I did feel like
I was being mugged off, you know.

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So, Kim,
you'd actually noticed

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Idris logging your garden's usage?

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Yeah, I filmed him doing it
as proof.

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What the...? Is he...?
Oh, my God!

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I mean, who does that?

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Who acts like that?

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Hey! Yeah, you! I see you!

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I really started
to regret my move to South East,

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I miss North West.

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But for Kim,
the spying was just the start,

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as she began to suspect
Idris was removing her things

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from the communal garden.

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So, this is how I access
the communal garden,

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I open the gate
and I walk down this side path.

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Anything I placed there in the
garden was removed immediately.

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Sun loungers, rotary washing line,
full laundry baskets, all gone.

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Then he'd place them here,

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with his garden hose and wheelbarrow

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and Flymo,
making it super impossible

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for me to access the garden.

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I mean, have you ever
tried to step over a Flymo?

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SHE SCOFFS

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It's harder
than breaking the internet.

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I merely left a few items in her
way just to see how she'd like it.

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I was constantly stepping over
and jumping over things, like this.

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He denied it, of course,
but it was daily.

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And the stress
was really getting to me.

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My hair was noticeably less shiny.

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One time, I had to jump eight
things. Do I look like a hurdle-ist?

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I am not a hurdle-ist.

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But despite Kim's claims,
Idris believed he was the victim.

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Do you ever feel like
you're being watched? Well, I was.

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She had installed CCTV cameras,
one up there and one in the garden.

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HE HUFFS
I tell you what,

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Alan Titchmarsh never had to
put up with any of this shit.

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Coming up,
Kim is driven to breaking point.

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And in Southend-on-Sea,
things take a shocking turn.

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Back in sunny Southend-on-Sea,
single mum Greta Thunberg

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had moved here from North Sweden
to escape the never-ending winters.

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But her neighbours had other ideas.

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Meet florist Conor McGregor and
his wife, scaffolder Ariana Grande.

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Me and Ari have been living here
going on donkey's years.

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Yeah.
You gotta live somewhere warm

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when you're up at the crack of dawn
every morning,

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trimming the petunias.
HE CHUCKLES

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So, like, this one year,

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Conor refused to take down
the Christmas lights.

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Don't look at me,
you're the scaffolder!

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And there was, like,
this stand-off between us...

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Yeah.
..and it went on for a while,

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and then it got to the point

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where it actually got closer
to the next Christmas.

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See, if we were taking
the lights down in August,

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we'd only be putting them back up
four months later,

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so at the end of the day,
you know, it's all about timing.

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Timing is key, that's fundamental.
Do you know what I mean, so...

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But then the neighbours started
bringing their kids over

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in the summer to see the lights,
and then we became...

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The Christmas house!
CONOR CHUCKLES

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FESTIVE MUSIC

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The people liked it,
do you know what I mean?

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So I thought to myself, "Feck it,
let's put it up all year round

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"to celebrate the birth
of baby Jesus."

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And you know me and Jesus
are cool, so...

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And then Conor got the snow machine.

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Ari, baby, are you recording this?
Yeah.

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All right. Three, two, one, snow!

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HE LAUGHS

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Ah, babe, I'm after making
a snow-beard on him, look.

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Have a look at this.
It's deadly, isn't it?

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But two days later,
we got this letter from the council.

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"Southend Borough Council
acknowledges your religious right

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"to celebrate Christmas, but we ask
that you limit your lawn display

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"to no more than
two singing Santa Clauses

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"and to switch them off
between the hours of 10pm and 8am."

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We were getting shut down.

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I just wanna say to the fans of our
house, who have been so supportive

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00:13:06,003 --> 00:13:10,003
and dedicated and loving
and genuine and passionate...

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sorry.

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So we got rid of
the singing Santy Clauses...

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But we added a nativity scene.
HE CHUCKLES

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GRETA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY

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Unsatisfied with the council's
response, Greta went public,

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airing her grievances
on a local Facebook community page.

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SHE RANTS
IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

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This is all wrong.

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These lights at night, they attract
the moths, which attract birds,

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which attract foxes,
which are disgusting

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when they're waking me up at 1am
with their aggressive fox sex!

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These lights need to be taken down
this year, not next year,

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not 2050 or something.

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Who else is with me on this?

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SHE RANTS
IN OWN LANGUAGE

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Ah, would she ever stop?!
No.

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It's all a bit of fun.
Do you know what I mean?

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It makes no difference to her
whatsoever. No.

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It's absolutely ridiculous.
Yeah.

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Despite the post on the local
community Facebook page,

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Greta's cry for help fell on deaf
ears and Christmas just kept coming.

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The following day,
I came to the front door

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to shoo away the sex foxes,
and there's a glass of milk,

237
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:34,003
a mince pie and two carrots
on my front porch.

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00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:39,003
I had no choice but to retaliate.
There was so much at stake.

239
00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:46,003
But what Greta did next
left Conor and Ariana speechless.

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00:14:47,003 --> 00:14:48,003
SHE MURMURS

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00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:52,003
The snowmen.

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00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:55,003
So sad.

243
00:14:55,003 --> 00:14:57,003
The inflatables.

244
00:14:57,003 --> 00:14:59,003
And that.

245
00:15:01,003 --> 00:15:04,003
SHE MURMURS
I'm not an aggressive man.

246
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:07,683
But I draw the line
at desecrating the baby Jesus.

247
00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:12,003
I always say be happy with being
you, love everybody's flaws,

248
00:15:12,003 --> 00:15:16,003
but... who the fuck
goes after a fucking reindeer?!

249
00:15:18,003 --> 00:15:22,003
Coming up,
shocking scenes in Southend-on-Sea.

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00:15:22,003 --> 00:15:24,003
ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

251
00:15:28,003 --> 00:15:32,363
Back in Catford, Kim Kardashian's
feud with her neighbour Idris Elba

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00:15:32,363 --> 00:15:38,043
had become so fractious she began
monitoring him with CCTV cameras.

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00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:43,003
I was just so super shocked
at what he was doing,

254
00:15:43,003 --> 00:15:48,003
so I installed the home surveillance
app to monitor his movements.

255
00:15:48,003 --> 00:15:53,003
Anything happens,
it gets sent straight to my phone.

256
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:58,003
I was on my usual bus route,
I'd be driving past my house soon,

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00:15:58,003 --> 00:16:01,003
I pulled up to regulate the service,

258
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:04,523
and suddenly I get a notification
on my phone

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00:16:04,523 --> 00:16:06,523
from the home surveillance app.

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00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:13,003
I could clearly see him
fitting the padlock.

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00:16:14,043 --> 00:16:20,363
So in my mind, he was clearly
blocking me from my rightful access.

262
00:16:26,843 --> 00:16:30,003
But then... he went way too far.

263
00:16:31,683 --> 00:16:35,003
Idris collected
all of Kim's garden belongings...

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00:16:35,003 --> 00:16:36,003
What?

265
00:16:36,003 --> 00:16:39,003
..and threw them
over the newly-locked gate.

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00:16:40,003 --> 00:16:45,003
Kim's response
put her job on the line.

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00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:52,003
Big bus comes round the corner,
screaming down the road.

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00:16:57,003 --> 00:17:00,003
Skids right in here, yeah?

269
00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:01,003
BRAKES SCREECH

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00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:05,363
Hops out the bus... And I tell you
what, she weren't happy.

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00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:11,523
Kim had driven her bus full of
passengers straight to her property,

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00:17:11,523 --> 00:17:15,003
missing three scheduled stops
to confront Idris.

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00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:20,003
Her home CCTV,
and the passengers on the bus,

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00:17:20,003 --> 00:17:23,683
captured these shocking scenes.

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00:17:23,683 --> 00:17:26,003
Kim discovered Idris in the garden

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00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,003
and attacked him
with potted seedlings.

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00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:36,003
The fight spilled out onto the
street and soon took a nasty turn.

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00:17:36,003 --> 00:17:39,843
Not the petunias! Oi, Kim,
watch out! That's coriander!

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00:17:48,003 --> 00:17:53,003
Oi, Kim, watch out!
That's coriander! Stop!

280
00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:56,003
'Petunias! Oi, Kim, watch out!
That's coriander! Stop!'

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00:17:56,003 --> 00:17:58,003
SHE EXHALES

282
00:17:58,003 --> 00:18:04,003
Breaking the internet really made us
take a hard look at our behaviour.

283
00:18:04,003 --> 00:18:06,003
Neither of us
are proud of ourselves.

284
00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:10,003
I had to confess
some difficult truths.

285
00:18:10,003 --> 00:18:13,003
I admit I did move
some of Kim's things.

286
00:18:13,003 --> 00:18:15,003
I'm sorry about that, yeah?

287
00:18:15,003 --> 00:18:21,003
And I learned to appreciate just how
much Idris had put into the garden,

288
00:18:21,003 --> 00:18:27,003
and maybe I was not always
respectful of that.

289
00:18:27,003 --> 00:18:31,003
Idris was a character witness for me
at my work disciplinary

290
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:35,003
and I was literally so grateful
for him doing that.

291
00:18:35,003 --> 00:18:39,003
And we came up with a way
to enjoy the garden

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00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:41,203
that we're both happy with.

293
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:46,203
And so Kim can now enjoy her music,
and her paddling pool.

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00:18:46,203 --> 00:18:49,003
Show 'em.
MUSIC PLAYING

295
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,523
Whilst Idris
still enjoys his plants...

296
00:18:51,523 --> 00:18:53,043
Watered!
..in peace and quiet.

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00:18:53,043 --> 00:18:57,003
I can't hear a thing.
HE CHUCKLES

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00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:06,003
Back in Southend-on-Sea,
Greta Thunberg was locked

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00:19:06,003 --> 00:19:09,003
in a very public dispute
with her neighbours

300
00:19:09,003 --> 00:19:11,003
Conor McGregor and Ariana Grande

301
00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:15,003
over their all-year-round
Christmas decorations.

302
00:19:15,003 --> 00:19:18,003
And after damage
being done to property,

303
00:19:18,003 --> 00:19:21,003
things took a shocking turn.

304
00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:24,843
So, like, the doorbell goes at 2am,
seven rings.

305
00:19:24,843 --> 00:19:27,203
I didn't even hear the bell,
I was out for the count.

306
00:19:27,203 --> 00:19:30,003
It was the ambulance people,
and they were loading Greta

307
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:32,003
into the ambulance
and we were like, "What?"

308
00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:33,683
And they were like,
"Did you see anything?"

309
00:19:33,683 --> 00:19:35,203
And we were like,
"No. Thank you, next."

310
00:19:35,203 --> 00:19:40,363
And then we remembered the camera.
Yeah.

311
00:19:40,363 --> 00:19:44,003
What the couple saw next
changed everything.

312
00:20:05,363 --> 00:20:11,003
After I was electrocuted,
I remember being very cold.

313
00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:16,003
In a place without love
or happiness, just darkness.

314
00:20:17,003 --> 00:20:19,003
I thought my time was up.

315
00:20:24,003 --> 00:20:27,003
We had no idea
we were overloading the power cable.

316
00:20:29,003 --> 00:20:33,003
Conor and Ariana were ordered to
take down all Christmas decorations,

317
00:20:33,003 --> 00:20:36,003
despite a petition
in the local community.

318
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,843
It stings, you know? It does sting.
Yeah.

319
00:20:39,843 --> 00:20:41,203
I just like to have fun, you know?

320
00:20:41,203 --> 00:20:44,003
That's all this was ever
meant to be, you know?

321
00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:47,003
So... I don't know, me, yeah.

322
00:20:47,003 --> 00:20:49,003
Yeah.

323
00:20:49,003 --> 00:20:52,003
All I ever wanted
was to be listened to.

324
00:20:52,003 --> 00:20:55,003
For them to feel a sense of urgency.

325
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:58,003
Now Algae and I can live in peace.

326
00:20:59,003 --> 00:21:02,003
Sh-sh-sh.

327
00:21:02,003 --> 00:21:03,363
From the bottom of our hearts,

328
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:07,003
we'd like to take this chance
to apologise. We had a little think

329
00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:10,003
and we realised the council said
no more Christmas decorations.

330
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,003
But they said
nothing about Halloween.

331
00:21:14,003 --> 00:21:17,003
HE LAUGHS

332
00:21:17,003 --> 00:21:23,003
Rargh! We apologise
to absolutely fucking nobody.

333
00:21:23,003 --> 00:21:25,363
Two weeks after filming concluded,

334
00:21:25,363 --> 00:21:29,003
Greta and baby Algae
left Southend-on-Sea

335
00:21:29,003 --> 00:21:33,843
and returned to the relative comfort
of the long, hard Swedish winters.

336
00:21:58,003 --> 00:22:01,003
Next time
on Deep Fake Neighbour Wars...

337
00:22:01,003 --> 00:22:04,683
Single mother Rihanna
is the victim of theft.

338
00:22:04,683 --> 00:22:07,003
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
goes apple crazy.

339
00:22:07,003 --> 00:22:10,003
Get out of my way! Ugh!

340
00:22:10,003 --> 00:22:13,003
And Adele's personal property
is under attack.

341
00:22:13,003 --> 00:22:16,003
And me awning is covered in...
Now, excuse my language.

342
00:22:16,003 --> 00:22:17,003
..excrement.