[audience clamoring]
- [man 1] Mo'Nique is crazy. - [woman 1] Money over integrity.
[man 2] Mo'Nique's a legend.
- [woman 2] She burned too many bridges. - [man 3] A pro!
- [woman 3] My girl. - [man 4] Donkey of the Day!
[man 5] She's difficult.
- [woman 4] Mo'Nique's a legend? - [man 6] She burned too many bridges.
- [woman 5] She's unstable. - [man 4] Donkey of the Day.
[voices overlapping]
- [man 5] Her career is over. - [static crackles]
- [sounds fade] - [Mo'Nique] Thanks for the encouragement.
[upbeat, energetic music playing]
[Mo'Nique] ♪ Let's go ♪
- Oh, my baby! - ["My Name Is Mo'Nique" playing]
♪ Hey, my sweet babies ♪
Come on, baby!
[Mo'Nique] Oh!
Oh, baby!
Oh, Atlanta, Georgia!
Atlanta, Georgia!
Oh, baby!
Oh!
Oh, I'mma feel all of this right here.
- Oh, my baby! - [audience chanting]
Oh, we made it, baby!
We made it!
- ♪ Yes! ♪ - [audience chanting] Mo'Nique!
Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique!
Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique!
Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique!
[audience cheers]
Am I standin' on this motherfuckin' stage?
[cheering grows louder]
Am I standin' on this motherfuckin' stage?
[crowd roars]
Oh, when I tell you it's takin' everything in me not to bust down
and cry right now, nigga.
Oh!
[sighs]
- [audience whoops] - Whoo!
Oh, let me tell y'all something. I am so grateful.
I am so thankful.
I just wanna say thank you for every motherfucka
that stood by me, goddammit.
I wanna say thank you
for every motherfuckin' cheerleader, goddammit!
I wanna thank every nigga that bought a ticket here tonight.
And you too, white baby.
I wanna thank every-motherfuckin'-body!
[audience cheering]
Tonight, when y'all walk away from me, y'all will understand who the fuck I am.
Tonight, when y'all walk away from here,
y'all will understand why the fuck I swing like I motherfuckin' swing.
Tonight, when y'all leave up out this motherfucka,
y'all gonna say, "Oh, bitch, I get it now!"
Oh, baby, see, what people didn't understand about me,
what people did not know about me
when they were throwin' those motherfucking daggers
and they was calling a bitch all kinds of names
and they was saying what I wasn't and saying all that bullshit.
And they was saying, "Mo'Nique,
how can you withstand what the fuck these people sayin' to you?"
"It seem like it's just rollin' off your motherfuckin' back."
What people don't know about me, baby,
and I thought I would never say this on live TV,
live stage ever because of the stigma that comes with it.
What motherfuckas don't know about me,
you lookin' at a bitch from special education.
I want y'all to see what it look like.
I want y'all to see
what motherfuckin' special education look like, nigga!
I want y'all to see what the slow bus look like!
I want y'all to understand. "Duh!"
Nigga, that's me, nigga!
[audience cheering]
Nigga, that's me, nigga!
They used to call me
every motherfuckin' name in the book, nigga.
From seventh to ninth grade, a bitch was in special education.
Nigga, did you hear me?
- [audience whoops] - [chuckles] Special, nigga.
[sighs]
[in singsong] Education, nigga!
Like a bitch double Dutching. [in singsong] "Oh, special, nigga!"
"Education, nigga!"
Special... education.
When you wanna judge a motherfucka, baby, understand what you lookin' at.
You lookin' at a bitch, when I went to middle school
for the seventh, eighth, and ninth motherfuckin' grade,
I was in the special education class.
Now, let me tell y'all something up the fuck front
so y'all don't get to researchin' a bitch.
[chuckling] I really believe it was a mistake, nigga.
- [audience laughs] - [woman mouthing]
I believe it was a motherfuckin' mistake because no letter went home.
There was no parent-teachers' meeting.
There was no motherfuckin' board of education conversation.
Just when I showed the fuck up...
[chuckles]
...for motherfuckin' middle school, bitch.
I showed up in my new shit.
I was together, bitch, in my Chic jeans, baby.
My motherfuckin' white T-shirt and my white shoes to match, bitch.
I was ready for seventh grade!
And I notice... I didn't get my shit sent home...
[chuckles]
[audience laughs]
...about the class a bitch was gonna be in.
So I say, "Oh, this motherfuckin' year gonna be special."
"They ain't even sent my shit home. I got to pick it up at the school."
"This some special shit!"
- [audience laughs] - [Mo'Nique sighs]
And when you go in there, they got your name.
On the motherfuckin' board.
[chuckling] To what class you go to, bitch.
They got your name, and all the kids running,
"I'm in this class, I'm in that class!"
And I'm lookin' on this motherfuckin' board.
"Bitch, let me see your board. What's on your board, bitch?"
[chuckles]
My shit was in an envelope.
[Mo'Nique and audience chuckle]
Okay, bitch? My motherfuckin' shit was in the envelope.
Now, I knew that should've been a situation,
but I've always been optimistic.
I've always said the glass is motherfuckin' half full.
So when I saw my shit in the envelope, I automatically said,
"Aw, bitch! This gon' be something special, bitch!"
"They put your shit in the envelope, bitch."
So when I opened up my envelope...
that nigga say, "What it say, bitch? What it say?"
"Nigga, I'mma tell ya."
It said, "B... 217."
Right?
So I'm like, "The B stands for 'motherfuckin' best.'"
[audience laughs]
"I'm the best bitch up in here."
"Goin' to room 217, nigga."
[Mo'Nique chuckles]
"I'm on the second floor at motherfuckin' middle school."
"Nigga, they don't put new bitches on the second floor."
"Not unless they special, nigga."
"I'm in B217."
So when I get up to room 217,
I don't see the motherfuckin' B, but I said, "Okay."
"It's still motherfuckin' 217!"
So I go in the classroom proud.
In my new shit.
And the teacher there, I give her my paper.
'Cause she says, "Oh, who are you?" [chuckles]
I said, "Monique Imes."
[chuckles]
She said, "Oh, I don't see your name on my paper."
I said, "Well, I have this paper."
And when she took the motherfuckin' paper... [scoffs] ...she chuckled a little bit.
[audience laughs]
I didn't understand the motherfuckin' chuckle,
but I'm like, "Fuck this bitch. I'm the best, bitch."
[audience laughs]
"Fuck her!" Right?
So she chuckles. She say... [chuckles] "Oh no. No."
"Not this 217."
"You're on the first floor... in the back."
[audience laughs]
Like the B stood for "back," bitch.
"Back. Get in the back, bitch."
[audience laughs]
So when I get to motherfuckin' B217,
and I walk in this motherfuckin' classroom,
and I see a bitch in there with a whole motherfuckin' helmet...
[audience laughs]
...and a goddamn chin trap.
I said, "Ohhh, shit!"
[chuckles] Ohh!
And then I said, with optimism...
"Right. That might be her fashion statement, bitch."
"We in middle school."
"That bitch may say,
'I'mma fuck 'em up with this helmet, bitch.'"
[audience laughs]
And she like wearing this shit, right?
And then, when I sit the fuck down,
I see a little white boy over there,
and he done put glue...
[chuckles]
...in his motherfuckin' hand.
Now, I like to be entertained, nigga.
I love to be motherfuckin' entertained.
I was the cheerleader.
And I watched him while that glue dried the fuck up.
Then he got to rolling it around in his motherfuckin' hand.
Now, Little Timmy know I'm looking at him at this point,
so this nigga has become a magician.
He's looking like... "Mm!"
"Mm!"
Then that motherfucka said... [swallows, grunts]
[audience laughs]
I said, "Oh, bitch, I'm in special education!"
[audience applauds]
"I am in motherfuckin' special education, goddammit!"
But do you think I was fucked up?
I saw the goodness in it, goddammit, because when I looked on the board,
and I saw what the fuck they was gonna be teaching,
I said, "Oh, I'mma fuck 'em up in here."
"Primary colors, secondary motherfuckin' colors."
"Ooh! Honor roll!"
[audience laughs and cheers]
Now, here's where I found out
that my mother... was illiterate.
[audience chuckles]
- Y'all are so fucked up. [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
Y'all are so fucked up, laughing at the fact
that my motherfuckin' mother could not read.
Y'all dirty motherfuckas!
[exhales heavily, grunts]
It wasn't a conversation that we had.
It wasn't a sit-down.
It was just, when you start observing shit.
I may not have been academically the smartest bitch in the room,
'cause I was in the back special-ed room.
But that's okay, nigga.
I could tell... when shit was different.
'Cause I was very observant. I would watch shit. Right?
And I took out a letter from the teacher.
This motherfucka gonna send a note home, talkin' 'bout "Monique
talks too much."
[scoffs]
So I ain't doing no new shit, y'all!
I been doing this shit all my motherfuckin' life!
[imitating teacher] "She talk too much, and she has become a distraction."
"And one more time,
we're gonna have to have a parent-teachers' meeting."
Now, I done read the motherfuckin' note. [sighs]
So I'm gonna take this bitch home.
Now, one thing about me, bitch, I'm honest.
I'm honest, bitch.
If I did it wrong, bitch, I'm honest. I'm gonna fuckin' say, "I fucked this up."
So all the way home, a bitch is nervous.
'Cause I got to give my mother this motherfuckin' letter
that this white man has said a bitch talks too much.
Now, he's not the only one. My mother has told me that. [laughs]
[audience laughs]
That's why my family don't like a bitch right now.
Right?
So when I get home, I give her this motherfuckin' letter.
And she opens the bitch up.
Now, I'mma tell you something.
When I first said I was gonna say this onstage,
my husband says to me...
- [man 7] What he say? - Nigga, I'm gonna tell ya.
He said, "Mama... don't call your mother illiterate."
"That's rather harsh."
Now, I been knowing my husband since the motherfuckin' tenth grade,
since we was 14 years old.
And he's one of the kindest motherfuckas I have ever met in my life.
So I look at him and said, "I figured...
[audience and Mo'Nique laugh]
...you was gonna say some kind shit like that, nigga."
"I've been knowing you since tenth motherfuckin' grade."
"However, nigga, you've been knowing me since tenth motherfuckin' grade."
"She didn't have no challenge reading, nigga."
"That bitch was illiterate!"
[audience laughs]
Okay, so I give her the motherfuckin' letter.
And I'm waitin' for the blowback.
I'm waitin' for her to come say,
"Didn't I tell you to keep your goddamn mouth shut?"
I'm waiting for the motherfuckin' blowback.
She look at the letter.
[audience laughs]
She looked up at me.
But when she looked at me, I had a smile on my face
'cause I'mma play it all through.
"I don't know what's in the letter either."
She looked back at that goddamn letter and looked at me and said,
"Nikki, this is really good."
[audience cracks up]
I said, "Oh, this bitch can't read!"
[sighs]
"The fuck but your mama can't read, nigga!"
- [audience continues laughing] - [Mo'Nique clears throat]
I'm not judging. It's just what the fuck it is!
Could not... fuckin' read.
[audience laughs]
Then I was trying to put The Electric Company on for her
to give her little clues.
"Break, fast, breakfast."
[audience laughs]
[man 8 groans]
You would think in motherfuckin' special education
there could not possibly be racism.
There could not possibly be discrimination in motherfuckin' special education
because everybody in this motherfucka has been deemed... special, bitch.
And not in the, like... [cheerfully] "Oh, they special."
[dismissively] Like, "Oh, they special."
[man 9 cheers]
We have all been put on the fucked-up list.
Every last one of us in this motherfucka has been put on the throw away list.
Every last one of us have gotten medicated.
Well, they did not medicate me. Mm-hmm.
[audience laughs]
This teacher named Mr. McKinney...
And Mr. McKinney was a white man.
And he was a white white man.
[audience chuckles]
- [applause] - [Mo'Nique giggles]
Look. The white people are like, "Bitch, what's a white white?"
[audience laughs]
The ones that don't like Blacks!
[audience laughs]
A white white.
Now, I'm in seventh motherfuckin' grade, baby.
And y'all gotta understand the spirit I came into this world with.
I came with this motherfuckin' spirit. I didn't just start no shit.
I came with the spirit of, "Motherfuckin' fight."
I came with the spirit of, "If it ain't right, bitch, fight."
I came with that motherfuckin' spirit, right?
[audience cheers]
So one day, we sittin' in the class.
And Mr. McKinney stands up and says, "Listen."
"If I call your name, go to the right side of the class."
"If I don't call your name,
go to the left side of the class."
Now, just that one direction took us about 20 motherfuckin' minutes.
I was having so much motherfuckin' fun. "What side?"
Right?
And once everybody got placed,
I noticed that all the white kids... was on the right side,
and all the Black kids was on the motherfuckin' left side.
[man 10] Uh-oh.
He says to the white kids, "Listen, y'all have coloring books,
word-search puzzles, and block buildin'."
"Y'all can do those projects."
And then he came and stood the fuck in front of us.
He said, "And for this group right here..." [laughs]
And when that motherfucka said, "this group..."
Oh, Malcolm X said, "Bitch, it's your turn."
[audience laughs]
"...this group right here, I'mma teach y'all how to speak correct grammar."
- [audience gasps, murmurs] - I put my motherfuckin' hand up.
Mm-mm, mm-mm!
Mr. McKinney said, "Yes, Moni-cue?"
[audience laughs]
[man 11] Mo'Nique!
'Cause that wasn't my motherfuckin' name.
So I kept my goddamn hand up.
[audience applauds]
Then, that white man looked at me and said, "Yes, Monique."
I said, "I need to go to the office."
He said, "Why do you need to go to the office?"
"So I can call my father."
He said, "Why do you need to call your father?"
"So I can tell him that you have separated this class."
"You got white children over there and Black children over here."
"You talking 'bout you gonna teach us how to talk,
and Little Timmy just ate a whole ball of motherfuckin' glue."
[audience laughing and cheering]
Baby, that motherfuckin' white man looked at me like,
"Bitch, if I could put my hood on right now..."
[audience laughs and applauds]
And he kept starin' at me.
And the ancestors said, "Bitch, lock in on that motherfucka
and don't break your goddamn stare."
"And you better not motherfuckin' blink."
[audience cheering and clapping]
Then he said, "Everybody go back to they seats."
"Okay, that's the fuck right, goddammit."
Oh, and that white man did not like me, but I sat the fuck up front,
'cause I wanted him to see my ass every goddamn day.
'Cause I knew how goddamn slick he was, baby.
I did not fuck around like that.
If I know you out of order, goddammit, I'mma call you to the mat
every motherfuckin' time.
- I'm in the seventh goddamn grade. - [audience claps]
- And I met some beautiful people. - [man 12] Mm-hmm.
Let me be clear, baby.
I met some beautiful people that we consider special.
They were so motherfuckin' beautiful
and rich in their goddamn stories
and their history.
And I would sit in that goddamn class and be so motherfuckin' amazed
with the beauty of these people.
And I sat the fuck up front.
And I sat next to these two bully bitches.
Oh, y'all know I can't stand a motherfuckin' bully.
And these two bully bitches kept talking shit
'bout the bitch in the back with the helmet.
Now, the bitch in the back with the helmet didn't fuck with no-goddamn-body.
All she did was be friendly, and she'd speak like this.
When I come in, she go... "Mm." I go...
[exhales]
[audience laughs]
[chuckling] And that's how the fuck we communicated. Just beautiful.
"Mm!" [exhales]
I never asked about that motherfuckin' helmet,
she never said shit, and we got along fine.
So these two bully bitches that wanna fuck with the bitch with the helmet on,
I don't play that bullshit.
So all week long, they talkin' shit
'bout what they gonna do to this motherfucka with the helmet on
in the back with the chin trap.
I'm sittin' there like, "No, bitch. I ain't gonna let that happen."
I'mma get in the business.
So come motherfuckin' Thursday, I'mma step to these bitches.
[chuckles]
All of us special, bitch.
Okay?
Oh, I'm ready for the shit, right? I'm ready for the shit.
So I say to the main bitch.
You got the main bitch, then you got the kiss-ass bitch.
But they two bullies, but the one bully bitch, she the leader.
Then you got the kiss-ass bitch that everything the leading bully say,
the kiss-ass bully bitch go, "Mm-hmm."
And that used to make me mad as a motherfucka.
[audience chuckles]
So come Thursday, when we get ready to get out of school,
I'm ready to let these bully bitches know I don't go for the bullshit.
And I'm gonna let this sister know y'all getting ready to fuck with her
with this goddamn helmet.
So I'm gonna step to 'em.
And I say, "Listen, I'm telling her tomorrow
that y'all gonna fuck with her 'cause she got that goddamn helmet on."
Now, I'm thinking I'd done intimidated this bitch,
you know, saying mean shit to her.
[scoffs] That bitch looked at me and said, "You fat, retarded bitch."
"If you don't get the fuck out my face..."
I said, "Oh! That wasn't the response!"
"Oh, this bitch is special!"
[audience laughing]
[Mo'Nique sighs]
[man 13 shouts]
Y'all see it.
[audience cheers]
Now, what I did not realize was that the two bully bitches
was from East Baltimore. [chuckles]
And anybody from Baltimore know, East Baltimore, them bitches can fight!
[audience and Mo'Nique laugh]
Aw, them bitches stomp fight. They stomp bitches on the ground.
[grunts]
So I go back there, and I say to motherfuckin' Elizabeth,
"Listen here, Elizabeth."
"Them two bully bitches been talking shit about you
all motherfuckin' week."
"So when they come back here, you got to get Oletha's ass first."
"You got to fuck her up first."
"Soon as she come back here and ask you anything about your motherfuckin' helmet,
you look at that bitch like..."
"Then you rev your motherfuckin' head back with that helmet
and bash that bitch in her mouth."
"As hard as you can, bitch, bash that bitch
in her motherfuckin' mouth and knock her teeth out."
That bitch looked at me and said... "Huh!"
[audience laughing]
[grunting loudly]
I say, "What the fuck?!"
[audience laughing]
I paused and looked at that bitch and said, "I fucks with you, bitch!"
I fucks with that motherfuckin' sound effects up in here, bitch.
[grunting loudly]
Then Mr. McKinney say... [laughs]
"Elizabeth, stop all that laughin'."
[audience laughs]
I'm like, "Oh! This how this bitch laughs?"
"Oh, bitch, we gonna have a good time!"
[grunting loudly]
[audience whoops and cheers]
From that day,
to this day,
Elizabeth and I are still the best of motherfuckin' friends.
[audience cheers]
And here's where this gets beautiful.
Elizabeth could not talk... with that helmet on.
[softly] She could not speak
nor laugh as we know what laughter sounds like.
But when she took the helmet off,
she could speak as clear
as you and I.
She just had no control of her motherfuckin' neck.
- [audience laughs] - [Mo'Nique grunts]
[Mo'Nique groans]
[chuckles]
And I was so honored the day she called me in the bathroom in the ninth grade.
Because we knew we were going our separate ways
and we wouldn't have the friendship that we had
because we were too young
to make our parents take us back and forth to see each other.
And she called me in that bathroom in the ninth motherfuckin' grade,
and she just did like this to me, as if to say, "Give me a second."
And she untrapped that motherfuckin' chin trap...
[audience chuckles]
...and took that goddamn helmet off
and said, "Monique..."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Bitch, what?"
[audience laughs]
Oh, we laughed so motherfuckin' hard back then!
That bitch said, "I can talk without the motherfuckin' helmet, bitch."
[groans loudly]
[audience laughing]
- [Mo'Nique chuckles] - [scattered applause]
See...
I was raised
on Real Nigga Boulevard.
I want y'all to understand, baby,
I was raised in Baltimore, Maryland,
on Real Nigga Boulevard
by some real niggas.
And on Real Nigga Boulevard, the number one rule is
you don't fuck with nobody who's not fuckin' with you,
'cause you don't know who you fuckin' with and you might just get fucked up.
That's what happens on Real motherfuckin' Nigga Boulevard.
Just so y'all understand where I come from, baby,
I come from Real Nigga Boulevard.
So when nigga's got to swinging,
they did not know a bitch was gonna swing back.
They did not know a bitch is from the goddamn Congo, nigga.
[grunting] I'm a gorilla.
[grunts loudly]
[audience laughing]
See...
I had an Uncle Donald.
Oh!
My uncle Donald was so incredible
and so amazing.
My uncle Donald was very, very dark.
And very, very gay.
And when you're born in the '30s and '40s, and you're very, very dark
and you're very, very gay,
nigga, that's all kinds of strikes against you that you can't even imagine
because your own family don't wanna fuck with you
when you were really, really dark and really, really gay.
And I watched them isolate my uncle Donald.
I watched them throw that nigga away
while he lived in the same house they lived in.
But goddamn, if he didn't entertain me.
Because every motherfuckin' Friday, my mother would be at her mother's house,
playing goddamn cards.
And when I tell you these niggas was gamblers, I want you to hear me.
These niggas was gamblers.
I was raised with junkies, gamblers, alcoholics, motherfuckin' pussy sellers.
Now, my aunt would never admit to that, but I know that bitch was selling pussy
to the insurance man 'cause that nigga came and went upstairs.
"What the fuck kind of insurance are you selling, nigga?"
And she looked at me and said, "Rent, bitch."
Okay, then.
[audience laughs]
That's what I'm raised with.
And they would sit around that dining room table, baby,
and I'm talking 'bout it was money in the middle of that motherfucka.
Pitty Pat, Tonk, Pokeno.
Nigga, whatever they could gamble, them niggas would motherfuckin' gamble.
And everybody was on struggle.
So they were gambling with shit they really did not have.
It was their mother and all her children.
So I thought, the first time I saw that shit,
that they would, at the end of the night, say,
"Okay, everybody divvy back up. Get your shit. We had a good time."
Them niggas was like, "Nigga, you lost, nigga."
[audience and Mo'Nique chuckle]
And every Friday
my uncle Donald
would go to the bar.
And every Friday, three niggas, the same niggas,
would beat him up every motherfuckin' Friday
and take his money and send his drunk ass home.
Now, what I respected about the niggas 'round the bar,
they never beat him up and took all his shit.
They beat him up and took enough so they could keep drinking for the night
and cab fare home.
They was respectful drunks, nigga.
They didn't beat that nigga up and send him with nothin'.
And he would come in that house every motherfuckin' Friday, fucked up.
And I'd be sittin' in my chair in the dining room,
and they playin' motherfuckin' cards.
And he walked from the front door to the kitchen.
It wasn't far, front door...
[audience laughs]
...nigga, kitchen.
And in between that is the goddamn dining room, okay?
Right, and he walkin' to that goddamn kitchen,
and he'd take one hot dog out.
One mother hot dog out the pack.
One hot dog out the motherfuckin' pack and put it on a fork, nigga.
Not in a pan, where you boiled that motherfucka.
A fork, and cut the fire on
and stand over the fire with this hot dog on a motherfuckin' fork.
I'm like, "Show me, nigga."
"Shit, I love every minute of this shit right here."
And then he would cuss out the niggas
that just beat him up 'round the motherfuckin' bar.
"Come next Friday, I'm fuckin' all you motherfuckas up."
"Y'all got the wrong motherfucka. I'm Donald. I'm kicking everybody ass."
"I'mma fuck you up. I'mma fuck your bitch up."
"I'm fucking everybody up."
I'd be like, "Yeah, Uncle Donald, fuck them nigga's up."
But I'd be saying it in my mind while I'm being entertained.
Then my grandmother said, "Donald, I'm so sick of that bullshit."
"Maybe if you said that shit to them,
they wouldn't fuck you up every Friday, and you'd have your money!"
"Now, shut the fuck up!"
[huffs]
My uncle Donald walked out that motherfuckin' kitchen,
nigga, and sobered the fuck up and stood over top of my grandmother,
which is his motherfuckin' mother, and said, "Mama,
you can kiss my dick!"
[audience gasps]
That's the same thing I did. "Oh!"
But I was so motherfuckin' entertained!
So, Lee Daniels, hear me.
That night I said, "Y'all can suck my dick if I had one,"
that was in honor of my uncle Donald, nigga!
That was me telling my uncle Donald, "Nigga, you still in the house, nigga!"
[audience laughing and cheering]
[Mo'Nique] Yes, baby!
That's my uncle Donald, Lee, that's my uncle Donald!
And when I tell y'all I was raised by some strong Black women,
please hear me.
I was raised by some strong Black women.
I'm talking 'bout that kind of motherfuckin' strength
that's unbelievable
and undeniable.
I was raised by some strong-ass Black women.
They was so motherfuckin' strong
and motherfuckin' wrong
and motherfuckin' miserable
and motherfuckin' bitter
and motherfuckin' angry and motherfuckin' slick.
They was all of that.
They were so goddamn strong.
Till they was wrong.
So with me watching that as a little girl,
what kind of woman do you think I became?
What kind of woman do you think I became for a motherfuckin' man?
Ooh!
[audience chuckles]
You wanna talk about a boss bitch?
If you opened up the dictionary, nigga, and you looked up "boss bitch,"
it was my motherfuckin' picture in the goddamn block.
Because that's how I was raised.
My father said to me, "Whoever make the money make the motherfuckin' rules."
And I've always been the bitch who's made the motherfuckin' money,
so I've always made the motherfuckin' rules.
And it wasn't no conversation.
It was just the energy that was brought into the goddamn relationship.
It was just the conversations that was had.
"So I'mma see you at nine o'clock?"
[chuckles]
[audience laughs]
"The car'll be to get you at three."
It was just understood.
I was that.
That's why I'm three marriages in.
[audience chuckles]
Don't go, "Mm, nigga." Don't judge me. Don't do that.
Don't do that.
I'm three in.
And this is my last one.
And actually, it's really my first one.
'Cause it's the first time I've known my place
as a Black man's wife.
So many of us don't.
[audience cheers]
I had to learn mine. I ain't judging, nigga.
I had to learn my motherfuckin' place.
Because I would wear my cape.
And I would let that bitch flow, baby.
And I remember when I had to retire my cape, god damn it.
I remember it like it was yesterday because I woke up in boss-bitch mode.
I woke up, and I'm runnin' shit.
It was the last season of The Parkers.
I'm one of the stars of a hit TV show.
- [man 14] Yes, you were. - Come on, nigga.
[audience laughing]
Come on, nigga.
[exclaims]
We're the Parkers ♪
Yes, baby!
[sighs]
So, I get up.
My call time is at 8:00 a.m.
I get up at six o'clock.
I take my shower.
I go in, and I play with my kids for a little while.
I come back, and I kiss my husband.
And I say, "Daddy, I see you when I get back from the set."
He said, "Mama, go have an incredible day."
I get in my luxurious luxury convertible two-seater Mercedes-Benz.
[scattered applause]
I may have been too big for a bitch, but I didn't give a fuck.
[chuckles]
[audience laughs]
I was stuffed in the motherfucker. "Mm-mm-mm!"
When I get to the set, just to tell you how this shit works,
so you can understand how people can lose themselves.
When I get to the motherfuckin' set,
there's a parking space with my name on it.
Before I can even park the car good, there's somebody that opens my car door
and takes everything I need out of my car into my motherfuckin' dressing room.
Then they escort me into my dressing room.
Then there's somebody else that comes into my dressing room,
knocks on the goddamn door, and takes me over to hair and makeup.
After I get hair and makeup, there's another bitch that comes and says,
"We ready for you in wardrobe."
After I do goddamn wardrobe, then I go out on the motherfuckin' stage
and get to play the character of a goddamn lifetime.
You couldn't tell me, baby,
life wasn't motherfuckin' beautiful in those moments,
because everything I had dreamed of, I was walkin' in that shit.
Now, when we get ready to go home, it's five o'clock.
And some of the producers on the set all had these little crystal trinkets.
These little crystal trinkets.
And this is what happen when you follow motherfuckas. I'm not her.
I'm not the bitch that's gonna pay $10,000 for a purse.
I'm not gonna get red bottoms
so my motherfuckin' feet'll hurt so goddamn bad
I got a attitude for two motherfuckin' days
'cause the pinky toe is still stuck on the other motherfuckin' toe,
and I can't get that bitch down.
I'm not that bitch to do that, baby. I'm a simple girl.
- [man 15 shouts] - [man 16 whoops]
Right?
But they had these motherfuckin' crystal trinkets.
And I felt like they was putting a bitch under pressure.
"You've got to go to the Beverly Center
and get this motherfuckin' crystal trinket."
"It is so cute, right?"
I ain't into this shit, but because the producer bitches had it,
I had to go get me a motherfuckin' crystal trinket
so I could be along with the party and say, "Bitch, I got a crystal trinket."
Right?
So now I get in the car.
I'm gonna go to the Beverly Center. That's where the motherfuckin' store is.
I call my baby, I say, "Daddy,
I'm gonna stop at the Beverly Center 'fore I come home."
"I gotta go to the trinket store." He said, "All right."
"Have a good time. Take your time. I'll see you."
"Okay, nigga, see you when I get there."
Now, when I get in my motherfuckin' car, I take my blunt out.
Let me tell y'all something so that I'm clear.
If y'all wanna know, do I puff?
Yes.
[audience laughs]
It is from God!
♪ It has been ordained by Jesus! ♪
Right?
And I got the best shit. I don't fuck around with corner boy shit.
I fuck around with the medicinal shit.
I was fuckin' around with medicinal shit before it was fuckin' legal
to have for real for real.
So I had the good shit, right?
When you go to the marijuana doctor, he said, "Mo'Nique, what's wrong?"
I say, "Everything."
- [audience laughs] - [Mo'Nique giggles]
"Give me your best shit. Everything is bothering me."
[in singsong] Oh, and the shit he gave me was incredible!
Right? So I take a little puff off of it,
and I put it out, and I put it in my secret compartment.
Because I know I'm going to valet at the goddamn Beverly Center.
I had to learn my lesson about valetin' at the motherfuckin' Beverly Center.
Because when you leave your blunt in the ashtray,
them motherfuckas will smoke your shit.
And when they bring you back your car, they'll look at you like,
- "I'm fucked up!" - [audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique] So I put my little shit
in the special compartment when I pull up to the valet.
I get out the goddamn car, and I go in the little trinket store,
where they have all these goddamn crystal trinkets.
Now, when I get in there, it is just me,
and there's a white salesclerk that works there.
Now, when I walk in there, this bitch does not greet me,
and that's a problem automatically, goddammit.
You supposed to say, "hello" and "welcome to the store."
But I said, "Fuck this bitch."
"I'mma go ahead and get this goddamn crystal-ass trinket
'cause all the producing bitches got these goddamn crystal-ass trinkets,
so I'mma have to fuck with her attitude right now."
So I go over,
and I see these little crystal hippopotamuses.
Oh, baby, I think the hippopotamus is the sexiest motherfuckin' animal
in the goddamn jungle.
You ever notice how a hippopotamus bitch walk?
Do you ever notice how when that bitch walks,
she always walk like, "Nigga, come get it."
[audience laughing]
[Mo'Nique chuckles]
"Nigga, I'm ready, nigga. Nigga."
So when my husband say to me, "Bring that hippopotamus over here,"
"Nigga, come get it!"
[audience laughs]
Beautiful. So I look at the price.
The motherfuckin' price say $525.
Now, that motherfucka was about this big.
So I said, "Okay, Mo'Nique. Don't trip off of this shit."
"Bitch, you one of the stars on a hit show."
"You can afford a motherfuckin' $525 crystal-ass trinket."
So when I get up to the register...
the white lady ring it up.
She never makes fuckin' eye contact with me.
She just ring the shit up and said, "$5,025."
[audience gasps]
I said, "I'm sorry. What did you say?"
[chuckles]
And then she repeated it, like,
"Oh, I knew you couldn't afford this shit with your Black ass."
She said, "Five thousand twenty-five dollars."
And I had to let that bitch know I'm not Whit... What was that bitch's name?
Whitley Gilbert from A Different World,
where she had to prove to the white woman she could afford that.
Bitch, fuck you. No, thank you.
Have a beautiful day. And put that motherfucka back.
'Cause I'm driving home,
I'm smoking my blunt.
[audience laughs]
Now, the marijuana that I have,
it makes you very horny.
Stay with me.
- [audience laughs] - [Mo'Nique] Y'all like, "Ooh, bitch, ooh."
But it takes your horniness
in levels.
You don't just smoke and get horny right away. It climbs.
So I strategically
puffed... [chuckles]
...'cause I know I'm goin' home.
Right? [chuckles]
And when I get home,
that thang gonna kick in, that thang thang... gonna kick in.
So when I get home, I'm at about a seven.
Right? I'm not there yet, at the, "Come get this."
I'm there like, "Oh shit." You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm there, right?
So when I get at the house, it's about seven o'clock that night.
The first thing I do is go upstairs and greet my motherfuckin' man.
That is the first thing I do, is I take my ass up those steps
and I greet my goddamn husband.
Then everybody else falls in line.
My grandmother told me a long time ago, "When you go in that goddamn house,
your man is the first motherfucka you see."
"When he comes in that house, he should be the first person you see."
So I went by that rule, and I took my ass upstairs,
and I greeted my husband.
Then I went in there, and I greeted the goddamn kids.
Then I went downstairs, and I greeted the staff.
You heard me, nigga. The staff.
[audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique sighs]
Then I went back upstairs, and I play with the kids some more.
Then I went back downstairs, then I went back upstairs,
and I talked to Sid a bit more,
then I went back downstairs, and I went back upstairs.
And then, oh, bitch,
about 20 minutes later, here come the number ten.
I am motherfuckin' there.
It is time for the get down on the get down.
This good girl was talkin' and singin' songs.
♪ Oh, that cat-cat was meowin' ♪
♪ Saying things, she's sayin' ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
♪ Meow, meow, meow! ♪
[audience laughs]
So I go into the bedroom, and I close the door, baby.
And I get in my sexiest position.
You got to put that right hip out.
- Right? - [audience laughs]
And you gotta open your mouth just enough.
Not all the way to suck a dick, but he might think you will suck a dick.
[audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique grunting softly]
And you've got to pump, just a little, not hard.
So my husband looked at me and said, "Mama, what are you doin'?"
[chuckles]
I said, "Nigga, it's... it's... I'm sexy for you, nigga."
[audience laughs]
I said, "I'mma need you to come over here
and lick up on this lollipop."
- [audience laughs] - [woman mouthing]
[chuckles] That nigga said, "No, thank you."
[audience laughs]
"That's the wrong motherfuckin' response. Don't you know I'm the boss, nigga?"
"Don't you know this is my goddamn house, my motherfuckin' cars, my goddamn money?"
Now, I'm saying this to myself, like,
"Nigga, have you lost your motherfuckin' mind?"
So I said, "Let me ask this nigga again
and give him another opportunity to check his goddamn self."
So I got back in position.
[audience laughs]
"I'mma need you
to come on over here
and lick up on this lollipop."
That nigga said, "Maybe I wasn't clear."
[audience laughs]
"I said, 'No, thank you.'"
"Now I'm in my goddamn feelings, god damn it,
'cause you have responded wrong both motherfuckin' times."
"So now I'm coming strong. So what's your goddamn problem?"
"Did something happen by the time I went downstairs and came back upstairs?"
"Did somebody call or something, nigga? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
He said, "There is nothing wrong with me."
I said, "Nigga, there must be something wrong with you
when I'm telling you to come on and get up on this lollipop."
He said, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with me, but let's discuss this."
"You left out of this motherfucka about seven o'clock this morning."
"You took your ass to the set and stayed at that bitch till about five o'clock."
"Then you went to the motherfuckin' Beverly Center."
"Then you brought your ass home."
"You
came upstairs, went downstairs, came upstairs, went downstairs,
and you want me to lick that lollipop?"
"Bitch, no, thank you."
[audience laughs and cheers]
I was like, "Nigga, that's Black love! Nigga, that's Black love!"
"You should be able to lick me any motherfucking time!"
"Ain't gotta be no goddamn..."
"Nigga, now I'm in my feelings,
and I'm ready to walk out the room fucked up."
He said, "You know what, Mo'Nique? You know what?"
"Never mind."
"Bring that ass on over here."
Now, I'm sayin' to myself, "You goddamn right."
[scoffs] "You better check that shit, nigga."
♪ Many men ♪
[audience laughs]
Now, when I got in front of him, I stood there
like the masculint...
[sighs, scoffs]
[audience laughs]
...nigga that I saw the women in my family be.
Like, "Nigga, you better go on and get that."
Then he took his hand
and put it on my good girl
and got to twiddlin' with that lollipop!
I was like, "Oh yeah! Get it, get it, get it, get it!"
And then, when he removed his hand, I just knew
that that nigga was gettin' ready to get to get to lickin' on the lollipop.
What I did not know was that he was taking that hand
that he put on my lollipop
and put it under my nose.
[sniffs] I said, "Nigga, what the fuck is that?!"
[audience laughing hysterically]
"What the fuck is that, nigga? Are you trying to haunt me, nigga?"
"The fuck was that?"
He said, "Bitch, that's your lollipop!"
[audience laughs]
Oh, bitch, I was devastated!
Do you hear me?
Because what the fuck can you say in that moment?
There's not shit you can say. You can't say shit.
If he says your pussy stank last week, you could say,
"Nigga, fuck you. That was last week, nigga."
But it was in the moment!
[audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique] Oh, I took that motherfuckin' cape off.
I had to retire the goddamn cape.
And see, what I had to understand was
there were no hygiene conversations with me when I was a young girl.
There weren't those conversations that my mother had with me that said,
"You must take care of yourself."
"And when you a big girl, one shower a day will not fuckin' get it."
"You've got to get in that shower in the morning and the nighttime."
"And if it's August, bitch, in the morning, in the afternoon,
brunch, and then in the evening, 'fore you go to bed, and late night."
"You got to wash that ass repeatedly."
No one ever had those conversations with me.
[audience chuckles]
Except for my grandmother.
My father's mother.
[softly] My grandmother Mimi was everything.
She was about this tall.
She was just a few inches over being a little person.
About this tall and very, very dark.
And she really, really fought with that.
But she would tell me, "Mo'Nique, you are my prize."
Can you imagine someone telling you that?
- [audience] Aww. - "You are my prize."
So everything my grandmother told me, I believed.
'Cause I knew she would never tell me nothin' wrong.
Everything she set me down and taught me, baby,
I took that shit in.
So when I was 13 years old... I will never forget this.
When I was 13 years old, my grandmother called me in her room.
She said, "Nikki."
I said, "Ma'am?"
She says, "Sit down."
I say, "Yes, ma'am."
She said, "Listen."
"Don't you ever put a dick in your mouth."
[audience laughs]
"'Cause if you do, it will explode." I said, "Oh, shit!"
[audience laughs and claps]
"Oh! I'm never gonna put no dick in my mouth!"
"I don't want no dick to explode!" She said, "Good."
"Don't you ever put a dick in your mouth."
And that was the last motherfuckin' conversation we had
about dick-sucking, "Just don't do it."
So from the time I was 13 till the time I was 22,
I had never sucked a dick.
And the only reason why I sucked his dick when I was 22
is because he was kind.
He was kind.
[audience laughs]
That nigga had so much kindness in his heart.
We had a day date. It was on a Sunday, nigga.
It was beautiful.
And we went to the little park and everything.
Walked around the harbor and shit.
So when he invited me back to his house, I was like, "I sure will go back."
We went back. We had a glass of wine and everything.
We just sittin', talkin', havin' a good time.
And then he looked at me and said, "Mo'Nique?"
I said, "Yes?"
He said, "Would you mind suckin' my dick?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "I sure will suck your dick."
Wasn't that a beautiful exchange, bitch? Did you see how we just did that?
And then I said to him, "Let me tell you something right now."
"I've never... sucked a dick before."
He said, "Mo'Nique, don't you worry."
"I will teach you how to suck my dick."
[audience laughs]
I said, "How gracious is that?"
[audience laughs]
"That he is gonna teach me how to suck his dick,
not just any ol' dick."
That nigga said, "I will teach you how to suck my dick."
"Well, goddammit, this is beautiful."
[audience laughs]
So he say, "Listen."
"When I put my dick in your mouth
start suckin' it like it's a choo choo train."
"You know how when the train first take off from the station?"
"It take off slow."
"So you suck slow."
[imitating train chugging slowly]
[chugging grows faster]
"Now," he said, "the train gonna speed up. You got to speed up."
[chugging grows faster]
"Now full speed ahead!"
[imitating train speeding]
That nigga said, "Choo choo!"
And I heard my grandmother say, "The dick will blow up in your mouth!"
Oh, I bit that nigga's dick so hard!
[audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique] Oh!
That nigga hit me in the side of my head so hard,
I fell off the motherfuckin' sofa, bitch! [gasps]
And I know I blacked out for about 17 seconds.
Oh, when I came to.
Oh, when I came to, I looked at that nigga and said, "Jail, nigga."
"You are going to fuckin' jail because you have assaulted me, nigga!"
"You were trying to blow us up and blow up the motherfuckin' block!"
"I will not let you do it, nigga!"
"I will save the block, nigga!"
[audience laughs]
"I am callin' the police!"
"Your Black ass is going to jail!"
"Look at my motherfuckin' head, nigga! Jail!"
[audience laughs]
Ooh, when the police came!
Now, both of us naked.
We're standing in his bitch naked.
I'm 22.
At 22, you would think I had perky titties,
but my titties was doing the same thing they did at 54.
[audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique chuckles]
My titties never came in straight. They came in like gorilla titties.
[in singsong] Straight down!
So I'm standing there naked.
And it was two policemen.
One white one and one Black one.
Oh, and when they came, and the white one start talkin' first,
I said, "Nigga, that's the boss. You goin' to motherfuckin' jail!"
"You goin' to jail!"
So the white officer said, "Ma'am, what happened?"
I said, "Sir, he knocked me in the side of my head!"
"And I... I'm dizzy."
"And I want him arrested!"
"Jail, nigga, jail!"
The white officer says, "Sir,
turn around and place your hands behind your back."
I said, "That's right, nigga! Jail, nigga!"
Until the Black officer got fuckin' involved.
And the Black officer told the white officer, "Hold up."
"Don't handcuff him." I said, "Oh, this nigga's the boss."
[audience laughs]
So the Black officer did not ask me what happened.
He asked the goddamn man what the fuck happened!
He said, "Sir, explain to me what happened."
He said, "Thank you, brother."
I said, "Oh, they using code words in this motherfucka."
He said, "Sir, she was suckin' my dick."
I was like, "Oh."
[audience laughs]
Like, that sounded so fucked up, didn't it?
"Oh, nigga, that's painful! You don't have to say it like that!"
Because then everybody lookin' right the fuck at me
like I'm the last whore on the goddamn block!
So then, the brother gonna say to him, "I'm sorry, sir. What did you say again?"
"I said she was suckin' my dick."
[Mo'Nique clears throat, sighs]
"And I was tryin' to teach her how to suck my dick
like the train take off in the train station."
"So I told her, 'When I put my dick in your mouth,
you know, you suck it like it's first takin' off.'"
[imitating train chugging along]
Then I see the Black police officer
doin' the motherfuckin' train with this nigga.
[chugging]
I said, "Oh, this nigga done told a bitch how to suck his dick too."
"Shit!"
[audience laughs]
So after he got finished explaining,
I looked at those two police officers and I said,
"Listen, this is a motherfuckin' terrorist."
"He is a terrorist, and he is loaded with bombs."
"And y'all must lock him up!" So now, shit got serious!
They said, "Ma'am, where are the bombs? Where are the explosives?"
I say, "In his dick!"
"His dick is full of bombs!"
"It's full of bombs!"
"He's gonna blow up the block! I have saved everyone!"
[in singsong] "I'm a hero!"
"Get him!"
The Black officer got on his motherfuckin' walkie-talkie
and said, "We have an EDP."
[audience laughs]
Now, I don't know what the fuck an EDP is, so I just put it together in my mind.
You got an erect dysfunctional penis.
"That is not what it is, sir."
"He has bombs in his dick."
"He's gonna blow us up!"
He was like, "EDP, quick!"
When the motherfucka got there for the EDP,
that stood for "emotionally distressed...
[chuckles] ...person."
I'm like, "Who is that?"
[audience laughs]
Baby, when they put that motherfuckin' straitjacket on me,
and took me to the goddamn psych ward,
I don't have on no drawers or nothin'.
I just got on the jacket and my ho ass!
[audience laughs]
They kept me in there for 72 motherfuckin' hours, evaluating me.
And a sister who was next door to me, she said, "What you in here for?"
I said, "Bitch, I saved the block!"
[audience chuckles]
"This nigga's dick was getting ready to blow up, and I bit that bitch!"
She said, "Bitch, that's why I'm in here too."
"My grandmother told me the same shit."
[audience laughs]
[audience applauds]
And when I left there,
I went straight... to my goddamn grandmother's house.
- [audience chuckles] - [Mo'Nique sighs]
I said, "Mimi, you told me
that the dick would blow up
if you put it... in your mouth."
And my grandmother chuckled.
[laughs]
She said, "Oh, Nikki, one day you'll understand."
And that's when my uncle Tina walked by and said, "That's why I'm a dyke."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles] Yes, the fuck she did. See, that's what I grew up with.
That's what I grew up with, baby.
I grew up with that, and when I tell you my grandmother
was incredible...
Right?
This woman treated me like the sun did not come up till I woke up.
And it didn't go down till I went the fuck to sleep.
And if I woke up at three o'clock in the morning and I said,
"Mimi, I'm hungry,"
my grandmother would get up
and goddamn fry me three chicken wings hard.
[Mo'Nique sighs]
Some motherfuckin' mashed potatoes, nigga. Not from the box. She boiled 'em bitches.
Some string beans and two pieces of goddamn white bread.
That's why a bitch is fat right now. She fed me good.
Then she'd take me back upstairs and put me in the bed.
And she would be sitting there when I fell asleep.
And when I woke back up, she would be sitting right there.
In her eyes, I was everything.
And my grandmother has a daughter.
But we call her daughter Uncle Tina.
[audience murmurs]
Some of y'all niggas was in the special-ed class with me
'cause y'all looking round like, "What does she mean?"
[audience laughs]
My uncle Tina, if she walked in here right now,
you would think you were looking at a whole man.
She has a full beard.
She wears something to smash her breasts down.
She puts something in her pants to make it look like she could have a dick.
And she wears men clothes and men shoes.
[Mo'Nique] Everything about my uncle Tina is a man.
So for you babies in the LGBTQ community,
I want y'all to hear me.
I respect every-motherfuckin'-body in here free enough to be their goddamn selves.
[audience applauds]
I respect niggas that say,
"I don't give a fuck what you think or say."
"I'mma walk in my goddamn shit."
And any time you have people that always got shit to say,
and so motherfuckin' curious,
please understand, those are the niggas that wanna see what it's really like.
And they'll bend over the furthest, so don't get mad or offended.
Just know they wanna get that poddy-po-po-po-poke!
[audience applauds]
See, my grandmother could not come to grips
that she had... a gay daughter.
She could only love her privately.
She couldn't love her publicly.
Because the Church had my grandmother fucked up.
That goddamn Church, baby, in our communities
will do some shit to us and rip apart motherfuckin' families,
just like it's going out of goddamn style.
And they'll put "In the name of Jesus" in front of it.
And I watched that shit happen to my sweet grandmother.
She just could not come to grips that she had a goddamn daughter
that was goddamn gay, baby.
And I would watch them when they would go out publicly.
And just the way my aunt would breathe would fuck with my grandmother.
"Why you breathing like that?" I'd be like, "Well, what the fuck?"
- "Should she hold her breath?" - [audience laughs]
"Will that take the gay away?" [gasps]
[audience laughs]
And my uncle Tina...
was very honest with me... as a little girl
because what they knew was I had no judgment.
I didn't know how to judge.
All I knew how to do was treat you how the fuck you treated me,
and my goddamn uncle Tina was very good to me,
right, as a little girl.
So one Christmas, I'm about seven.
And all the adults are in the dining room. I'm in the motherfuckin' kitchen.
All the kids are in the living room, playing with their toys.
Why the fuck I was in the kitchen?
Uh, okay, bitch, because I was, right?
Pies and cookies and cakes and shit, bitch.
[in singsong] I was in the kitchen!
Right?
So, my uncle Tina comes in the kitchen and she says, "Nikki?"
I said, "Ma'am?"
She said, "I'm a dyke."
[audience chuckles]
I said, "Me too."
[audience laughs]
Because she said it so beautifully, right? Like, "Bitch, me too. I'm that."
And then she said, "No, no, no, no, no."
"I'm a bull dyke."
[chuckles]
"Me too! I am a bull dyke too."
Then she said, "Nikki, I fucks women."
I say, "Okay."
[audience laughs]
Because, bitch, I don't have nothing for that.
I don't have anything for that.
[audience chuckles]
And I watched those two women... struggle.
I watched them struggle in the way that my grandmother left this earth.
And they just couldn't... come together.
Because she thought she was a failure.
Because she brought a gay child into the world.
The church had fucked her up to believe that her daughter was a sin, right?
And that's how she treated her.
So imagine the confusion I went through as a child
because here, this woman, for me, goddammit,
I'm everything.
But the one you fuck for
you can't wrap your arms around her
'cause the way she came here.
And I watched them struggle.
Oh, I watched them struggle.
And when my grandmother left here, my uncle Tina became a homeless drunk.
Because she just couldn't understand
why her mother
could not love her the way she needed to be loved, right?
And I felt...
[clicks tongue]
I felt cowardly
when my grandmother left.
Because I couldn't tell my grandmother
who her granddaughter really was.
'Cause I didn't wanna be loved privately.
I adored how she adored me.
When we were walkin' to the store, if I was on a magazine cover,
she made sure everybody in that fuckin' store knew
that I was her grandchild
and I was her prize.
So I couldn't tell my grandmother
my secret thoughts.
And my fantasies.
'Cause I didn't want her
to love me privately, and I did not want her to leave this earth
thinking that she was a failure.
'Cause had I told her...
my secret thoughts...
she would've left thinking
that she failed.
Now, I know y'all are looking at me, saying, "Wait a minute, bitch."
[audience laughs]
"Are you a motherfuckin' dyke?"
[audience laughs]
No, I'm not... all the way.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I couldn't say it to her out loud.
I could not say it to her out loud.
And do you know how hard it is to keep a secret?
Secrets cause cancer.
Some of y'all got secrets right now.
Y'all like, "Bitch, please don't look at me."
"'Cause this shit is getting ready to come outta me
if I just open my goddamn mouth. Secrets!"
But when you're born with that,
there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Nothing.
And please understand, I tried.
Oh, I tried to fuck it away, baby. I want y'all to hear me.
I tried to fuck that away from me
because I didn't wanna be treated like I had a disease
or something was wrong.
So I tried to fuck as many niggas as I could.
Now, I wasn't no... like, no whore whore, but...
[audience laughs]
...you know, I was one third, nigga.
I was a quarter of a whore.
Nikki Parker was, "Hey, Professor Oglevee!"
There was a lot of them niggas around the world, nigga! Oh!
[audience chuckles]
But I kept that secret, and I promised myself
I would never tell anyone.
That I would take that to my grave.
Because I saw how they treated
the people in my family with that disease.
'Cause they made us believe it was a disease.
Right?
And one night, that desire was on me so bad.
I was in the bed asleep.
And that little thing kept tappin' my shoulder.
[softly] Like, "Pussy, pussy."
[audience laughs]
[audience cheers]
And I'm layin' in that bed, and I'm so goddamn scared because
this my third husband.
Right?
[audience laughs]
It's the third one, baby.
This that one...
Ha.
...that loved me when I was at my worst.
Like I was at my best.
This is that one, baby...
Hmm.
...that makes me feel like no other human being
on the face of this earth has ever made me feel before.
This is that one.
And some Black women question, "Why do you call him Daddy?"
Let me tell you why. I'mma be very clear. 'Cause that nigga raisin' me.
Let me tell you why I call that Black man "Daddy."
'Cause that Black man giving me everything my motherfucking father
either didn't know how to give me or didn't give a fuck to give it to me.
That's why I call that Black man "Daddy."
When you got a Black man that make all your motherfuckin' wrongs right...
Oh, baby, that night I laid in that goddamn bed, and I was so scared...
I was so scared.
'Cause I'm sayin' to myself, "This not what he signed up for."
He signed up for you, bitch. Not you and another bitch.
[audience laughs]
[Mo'Nique chuckles]
So what do you do?
What do you do in that moment when you're layin' next to the person
that's been knowin' you better than you know your motherfuckin' self?
Because they paid attention to you when y'all were kids
far more than you paid attention to your own goddamn self.
And I'm laying in that bed, baby,
and that thing is on my back so motherfuckin' hard,
it's making me sick, mentally, physically, spiritually,
'cause I feel like I can't tell nobody what I was born with.
And I had to wake that nigga up out of his sleep, baby.
I'm so scared 'cause I'm sayin',
"Please, when I tell you, don't walk away from me."
"'Cause it'll take my breath away."
"But I gotta tell you, baby, 'cause you know me,
you know when something ain't right,
and something haven't been right for years."
But because I'm a celebrity, a... a star,
I could mask it.
I could mask it with my pretty things.
But that night, the mask had to come off.
[sighs]
And I had to wake him up.
[clicks tongue] And I said, "Daddy, I gotta tell you somethin'."
He said, "Mama, what's wrong?"
I said, "I got a secret."
"And promise me when I tell you, you won't walk away from me."
He said, "Mo'Nique, there's nothing you can tell me
that would make me walk away from you."
I said, "Okay."
"Here we go."
I said, "Daddy..." He said, "Wait a minute, bitch."
[audience laughs]
"Have you killed somebody, bitch?"
I said, "No, nigga, I ain't killed no-motherfuckin'-body."
He said, "All right. Go ahead."
[audience chuckles]
I said, "Daddy..."
And my heart is racin' 'cause this is the first time
I was getting ready to say it out loud to anybody.
[Mo'Nique grunts]
I said, "Daddy,
I wanna be with another woman, sexually."
And he looked at me, so beautifully and so patient and so loving...
and said, "Bitch, me too!"
[audience laughs]
He said, "You find that bitch, and we will fuck that bitch together!"
He said, "Is that what's been fuckin' with you all these years, bitch?"
He said, "Pussy is amazin'!"
I was like, "Nigga, for real!" He said, "Bitch, go get you some pussy!"
[Mo'Nique chuckles]
And then I said to myself, "I must keep it a fantasy."
"I must keep it a fantasy because I know me."
"And they would talk about me in the LGBTQ community."
"They would talk about me and say, 'That bitch fights for equality,
but that bitch ain't willing to give equality.'"
- [chuckles] - [audience laughs]
'Cause after you lick me, bitch, thank you.
[audience laughs]
"You want some coffee or something?"
"No, ma'am. No, ma'am. No, ma'am."
"Don't you put your puss-- No!"
"Well, Mo'Nique, I did you, bitch!"
"And thank you!"
- [imitating Aibileen] "You is kind." - [audience laughing]
"You is smart."
"You is important!"
Folk were asking me...
"How are you able
to keep goin'?"
"How are you able, bitch, to keep goin'?"
Because when you are born a fat little Black girl,
all you want is validation and acceptance.
That's all the fuck you want.
You just want motherfuckas to accept you.
And you will do anything you can to try to get that acceptance.
You fightin' for that motherfuckin' acceptance.
And when I got older, I said, "You know what, Mo'Nique?"
"What you gotta do is accept shit and be okay with shit."
So I had to accept the fact
that my father was a motherfuckin' alcoholic
and really didn't give a fuck about his family.
I had to accept the fact that my mother was a goddamn gambler
and would gamble away any motherfuckin' thing.
I had to accept the fact
that my oldest brother was a goddamn molester.
I had to accept the fact that my other brother
signed my name to motherfuckin' documents and fucked with my reputation.
I don't judge it. It's just what the fuck it is.
So it allowed me to accept... when people were telling me what I wasn't.
When motherfuckas told me, "You're no Dave Chappelle."
"You're no Amy Schumer."
"You're no Chris Rock."
Them motherfuckas was right.
Because my name is Mo'Nique.
[audience cheering and applauding]
["My Name Is Mo'Nique" playing]
♪ Hey, my sweet babies ♪
[Mo'Nique] Oh!
Oh!
[man 17 whoops]
[audience whooping]
[Mo'Nique whoops]
[audience chanting] Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique!
Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique! Mo'Nique!
["My Name Is Mo'Nique" continues playing]
♪ Hey, my sweet babies ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ Hey, my sweet babies ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ Hey, my sweet babies ♪
♪ Yes ♪
[song fades out]