[upbeat jazz music]
♪ She was unemployed, unhappy,
♪ she had no cash.
♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash. ♪
♪ The tragic but true fact is
♪ a bitter aging actress
♪ who's agent just recently dropped her. ♪
♪ Sittin' on her ass, drinking cheap boxed wine, ♪
♪ 'til she took a bogus class while at home online. ♪
♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed. ♪
♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor. ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that this phony would treat ♪
♪ the craziest of the showbiz elite ♪
♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪
♪ is her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore, Sherry. ♪
♪ You don't wanna be on her client list. ♪
♪ It's Doctor Jackie, the unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪
[door slams]
[laughing]
Honey, that's what I said.
I told him if you want anal,
you're gonna have to do a lot better than Applebee's.
[laughter]
Oh my God, you know exactly what I'm talking about biatch.
[laughter]
I gotta go. Bye mom.
Well hi, and welcome to Dr. Jackie's show- office.
I mean Dr. Jackie's office, how may I help you?
I'm Tiffany, I'm leasing the office next door.
I wanted to come over and introduce myself
Hi, I'm Sherry.
to Dr. Jackie. I've seen her on TV.
I wanted to introduce myself to Dr. Jackie.
Oh, okay.
Well, she's not here
and I'm not expecting her until much, much later.
Good morning. I wasn't expecting you.
[clearing throat]
Oh, this is Susan.
Tiffany.
Susan's renting the space next door.
I'm an aesthetic nurse.
I wanted to come by and say hello and offer you a
complimentary procedure of your choice.
Oh, that is so generous of you.
Thank you.
You don't, by any chance, do a tattoo removal do you?
I would love to get rid of this
Dave Chappelle portrait on my shoulder
and maybe the I heart J.K. Rowling tramp stamp?
I'm afraid I don't.
I specialize in Botox, filler, follicle rejuvenation,
lip plumping, hair removal.
Hair removal? Oh, I might be interested in that.
Do you have a weed whacker over there?
[laughing]
Hey, could you maybe help me get rid of this
unsightly thing that has been embarrassing me for years?
[laughing]
Just kidding, Shirley.
I love you.
Sherry.
Whatever.
You know, the combination of all that cheap, greasy,
heavy makeup and all this unflattering fluorescent lighting
can really wreak havoc on one's face.
[laughing] Oh, I'm sorry if that sounded insensitive.
It's just that skin changes the older you get.
Well I'm right next door. So just let me know.
Yes, I will. And just to show you
how much I appreciate you coming over here,
I'd like to offer you one free therapy session
of your choice.
I specialize in helping clueless, classless idiots
gain common social skills.
[thump]
What's my first appointment?
Oh, these two weirdos.
They just called to say that they were having trouble
parking because the vibrations were off.
F M L.
Huh?
That means fuck my life.
Just kidding.
[upbeat music]
[typing]
Horrible. Just awful.
Oh my God, the receptionist.
Oh, it's a wasteland.
It's awful.
It's a spiritual
District nine.
It's a spiritual vacuum out there. Just like I'm.
Ugh.
We're here to help people.
Yeah.
So how can we help you?
We come in, it's like a Brillo pad
Oh my God.
of bad energy up in my face. Just,
Hi you guys.
Sh, ba ba ba bah, no, no, no,
No, no, no, not yet.
Uh uh.
Not yet.
We have to set our intentions
Always do that.
We have to set the operation thing. Just like,
there. Gonna get some good stuff going,
because I am already in a mood and I don't need that on.
Do you have a lighter dear or long handled lighter?
I brought matches.
Thank you. Babe, look at me in the eye.
You're welcome.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Thanks for being my,
[breathes out]
break up some of this.
My champion.
Ah, yes.
A mask in case we want to go blank.
Just gonna take that out. Oh, oh, that's better.
Just get this out of the way
So much better.
Just set that right there.
[sniff] Mmmm
That's a coaster.
[tongue roll]
No no no, just, um, can you
A coaster.
She's adorable.
Labels? No, gonna lay that down there, over there.
Okay. Well gentlemen, I don't want to misgender anybody.
Yeah. Be careful.
Gentlemen okay?
Yeah, uh,
I don't like gentle.
I don't man.
I don't appreciate that.
So spirit, sweet sprite spirits.
Sweet sprite spirits, let's start. Now
Yeah, 'cause this is very harsh and priapic
and I don't need to look at that.
I might get too aroused by it so,
Ugh, electronics. Not great, but,
Okay. You guys just breathe.
Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you.
That was a lot, but remember we only have 50 minutes.
So Peodor and Grimsley.
[blowing lips]
No, wrong again.
Opposite.
Wow. Not intuitive at all.
I'm so sorry.
Should we change chairs for you?
Is that what you need it to be?
We've never met, no come on you guys.
[laughter]
Let's try to keep this a fertile zone if you will.
Ooh, yes.
Um
Like my throat.
Um, so let's just get to brass tax if you will.
Yes.
Why are we here?
We are depleted from helping others.
Just exhausted.
Yeah. What exactly do you do?
I mean, I see you the accoutrement of your,
[laughing]
What do we do?
Clearly we do
Is it healing? Or
Yes. A. That
Yes.
B. Fulfilling.
Yes. Spiritual purging.
Radical screen jumping.
Yes.
It's all in the
Shriek enlightenment.
Yeah.
Ignoring truth.
Yeah. There's a, the grip.
The grip of forgiveness.
Uh oh.
The gripping of forgiveness.
No, no, no.
I've never heard the phrase ignoring truth.
Yeah, oh
That, uh
Why would you wanna
I recommend it.
There's a word for that.
We need someone delusion.
I named my niece delusion,
they let me raise her for three months.
The state took her away from me. But her, uh
Which state was that?
Huh? Wiscon.
Wiscon.
I won't say sin. Wiscon.
I don't like sin. I love to sin.
I don't like the negative connotation. Here's the thing,
Where did you hear?
Did you see my, did you see my bus bench ad, or
Maybe.
I'm just curious as did someone
I'm getting a,
I'm getting a vision of you on maybe like
a television program of some sort.
You seem elegant.
Oh, you saw me on
We hate television.
We won't deal with it.
We don't like it.
Maybe we were walking by a storefront
with televisions in it.
Yeah.
You know, we saw you on television, possibly.
In a small town in America.
Yeah.
You were passing a store.
So. In Connecti. In Connecti.
Connecti.
I don't say cut.
God no, cause cut is harsh and very violent.
But we definitely saw you in our thing,
and you know.
Uh, that. That's interesting. That's weird.
I guess it's just like, therapists need therapy.
Mm-hmm.
So I just invented that and I like it.
Have you met a more brilliant,
a more brilliant, more sexy.
So help us. Help!
sweet, sweet fellow?
Thank you.
[exhales]
Now, are you too a couple?
A couple?
No, no we are not.
No, not right now we're not. Okay?
No. No, we're not right now.
Let's just be clear we're not.
We were.
Agreed.
We used to be. We were and have someone hoards his sweat.
And someone keeps their toenail clippings
in a tiny little jar.
Okay.
So anyway, I was raised,
my father made us live in a sand castle for the first five
years of my life. So I have a lot of abandonment issues.
How do you, how did you get on that TV show?
It was an early thing.
Good morning USA.
Whatever, sure.
Sure, if you say so.
So that's, you know, yeah.
And we were just like
Yeah, we were like, we could do that.
We could do that. Why can't, why her not us?
Yeah, I know. It's kind of weird.
It's like you watch things and
immediately a light bulb went off.
Right?
Cause it's like, we were like, that's us.
That's what we should be doing
and why is she getting to do that?
Sounds like me watching pornography.
I could do that. Or how come that's not me?
You know what,
but I had a dream the other night that we were on TV.
See? So
Um, and that was the dream.
And if I don't follow my dreams,
I get very bad indigestion.
Do you have a number you call to just say
I'd like to be on TV or is it like a
I'm a psychotherapist. I'm not a producer.
You know, they just contacted me.
They were looking for therapists.
That's good.
Is that vodka?
Yeah, or tequila.
You giving out samples?
I don't have a cup.
We have a mouth.
Just traded in my salt.
Yeah. Just
Salt
Water the salt. They'll love it.
I don't know any of these terms.
Barely drink, I hate it.
But in my, at all,
[slams bottle]
but in my, um. In my
[sniffs]
dream, I definitely the word agent
[mispronouncing agent]
agent came up.
Do you know what that means? And can you get us one?
Okay. You guys,
I see what's going on here.
Well, we're helping.
You're therapist. I hope so.
And you are passionate about what you do.
Thank you.
You wanna help as many
It's okay.
It's alright.
Someone just saw me.
You saw me.
I see you.
Oh, okay. Not listening but I'm seeing.
Now, listen.
That was weird.
Yeah.
You are passionate about what you do.
Thank you.
You love healing people.
Absolutely.
You love helping people.
And when you saw me on TV,
you immediately thought I could help more people.
Yes.
using this.
Sure.
I have to burst your bubble.
I have nothing to do with that. Like I said,
the phone just rang.
I said yes because that was, I was, have you done yes week?
Is that peyote?
No.
Oh.
Yes week is where for one week
you just say yes to everything.
Yes. I'll be able to
I've done yes life.
Yeah. That's true.
I had my first lesbian experience.
That's when the producers of Good Morning USA called.
I ate blowfish.
I need to take notes.
Yeah.
If I only knew how to write.
I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.
I'm gonna do my
But here's my thing, I wish I could help you
Blowfish, lesbian.
Blow a fish and eat a lesbian is what I heard.
Get on TV.
Yeah.
If there's like a number we could,
it'd be great if you could like call a number .
A contact.
A person.
An agent.
Look, I will do anything with my body.
Um, I
[blowing lips]
wasn't done, but
Won't say sin. Won't say cut.
You're not a couple anymore, but you used to be
Fingers crossed.
You hoard your sweat?
Nope.
You hoard your sweat.
I hold my toenails in a jar.
Okay, maybe you should switch seats.
Anyway. I'm kidding.
It's hard to tell cause it's never funny.
This is a coaster and
Oh. That's where I draw a line.
That's where I draw a line.
Wow. That's where you stop looking at your notes and you
Here's where I draw the line.
Okay.
Oh, you're a very literal person.
Okay, alright, so she just, what she did
was that she judged.
She shattered.
And she shattered.
Well, then I'd be Judge Jackie, wouldn't I.
And I'm not Judge Jackie.
I'm
Give it to me. Give it to me. I'm
It fell off.
Okay.
This is me right now
Person. Very
I feel like I've got nothing to give.
No, can I just really get real with you for a minute?
Please, please.
I think it's time to look in the mirror and admit that the
only fuckin' reason you came here
was to get on Good Morning USA.
[laughing]
You are funny.
Now come on, you guys.
Truth with a capital T.
If there's anything you could do to get us on there,
that would be great.
Alright. You guys, we're out of time.
This has been enlightening.
It's fake!
Like some other people in this room
who won't help other people who just need it.
Yeah. Get it, somebody's famous.
Guess what?
Somebody's
Guess what?
My toenails are in the city dump right now.
Yeah.
[blowing lips]
You guys, you guys, you guys
What?
I'm messing with you.
Here's the business card of the
producer of Good Morning USA.
Bye, Felicia.
[laughing]
Get it and memorize it.
I love winning!
You're horrible people,
but you're gonna make great TV.
Oh my
Freaks.
Fucking freaks.
[clears throat]
Why can't everybody be normal like me?
[easy listening music]
[phone ringing]
Dr. Jackie here.
Hi, Dr. Jackie.
It's me, Cassandra Peterson.
Hey, honey.
I have kind of an emergency.
You know, I
Oh!
I'm running around the country,
you know, trying to promote my new book.
Yours cruelly, Elvira.
Oh yeah. I read it.
It's real juicy.
Yours cruelly, by Elvira. You should read it.
Anyway, I have this thing that keeps happening.
All these guys keeps sending me pictures.
Oh.
They're pictures of them dressed as Elvira.
They all look better than me.
And that's getting to be really, really depressing.
So we're talking about drag queens here. Am I right?
Which is also fine.
We're talking about men
who put on tons of garish makeup
and plop synthetic, fake looking wigs on their head
and you know, prance around?
Um
Don't let a bunch of drag queens, you know,
make you feel less than.
I, I just thought maybe you have some advice for me.
You are the real deal.
You are fucking gorgeous.
Okay? Are you listening to me? Are you hearing this?
[laughing]
There's only one Elvira, and it's you bitch.
Thank you, Dr. Jackie, that really helps.
Alright. Glad to hear it.
You are brilliant.
Okay. Bye-bye.
[end call tone]
[sigh]
I can't believe Elvira
[sniffs]
is one of my clients.
Hashtag blessed.
I guess you're probably wondering why I wanted to speak with
you this morning.
I'm getting fired.
No.
I'm getting a raise?
Ha, no.
I give up. Why?
Well, it's the first of the month
so I read everything that's in the employee suggestion box
and I must say, I am not amused.
What do you mean?
Give Sherry a raise.
Hey, how about a four day work week
like they do in Japan?
Fire Dr. Jackie.
You wrote all these, didn't you?
No!
Sherry, we are the only two people who work here.
Maybe you wrote them.
They are all in your handwriting.
No, they're not. I did it with my left hand.
Fill the water cooler with Chardonnay,
get a subscription to People Magazine.
Adopt an office puppy?
Come on. You have to admit those are great ideas.
This is a place of business,
not an amusement park, Sherry.
Despite the way you dress.
Whatever, you're the boss.
Sherry?
Yes, Dr. Jackie?
Do you notice anything about my desk?
Oh, there. One suggestion left.
Why don't you read it?
Are you serious?
We're getting a frozen yogurt machine?
Uh-huh.
We're getting a frozen yogurt machine!
Yes!
We're getting a frozen yogurt machine!
[crying]
Hello, I'm Dr. Jackie, and you are?
I'm Dorothy.
Dorothy.
It's pronounced Dorothy.
Three syllables.
Alright.
They're very important.
Dorothy.
So it's our very first session together,
so why don't we start out by
you telling me a little bit about yourself
and why you're here today?
Well, quite frankly, I'm a little embarrassed.
Me, sitting here with such small, demure shoulders.
What are you
Pardon me.
Adding shoulder pads?
I'd feel more comfortable. You don't mind do you?
Not at all. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable.
Thank you
Is, uh
Anyway, Doctor, therapy has never really been my thing.
Right.
Tell me about yourself.
Well, I'm divorced,
I live in Miami,
I'm a substitute teacher
and I have three roommates.
Doctor, is this a safe space?
Of course it is. You can tell me anything.
Can I speak to you frankly?
Honestly?
Please.
Alright.
That's the only way we're gonna get anywhere.
My roommates are driving me crazy.
What's going on?
Oh God. Where do I start?
Well, there's my first roommate, Blanche.
Blanche
No last names please.
Oh,
because we wanna keep this patient-doctor confidentiality.
Actually it's for legal purposes.
We're already pushing it by calling you Dorothy and
nevermind.
Tell me about Blanche.
I wanna be as sensitive as I can here.
Um, she's, uh
she's a slut!
The men that she has had coming in and out
of this house in Miami.
I mean, seriously,
she once went on a date with my ex-husband Stanley,
if you can believe that.
I once walked in on this woman having a train run on her
from the entire cast of Fiddler on the Roof
for the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater.
Oh, one.
[Siri tone]
Yeah, Deary, could you tell me what
"run a train" means?
[Siri] "Run a train" is a euphemism for a gangbang.
Oh, well that's terrible!
[sounds of disgust]
It sounds like this woman has no boundaries.
Right?
She's not respecting you as a roommate.
Not at all.
Now you said you had several roommates.
Who's the other one?
Her name is Rose.
How do I put this gently?
Rose is,
she marches to the beat of
Well,
Rose is,
she's an idiot.
My God.
She's so stupid.
And honestly I never really liked her.
Now, Rose is supposed to be the fun one, the innocent one,
but that's not how it really is.
The truth is Rose has been addicted to pain pills and she's
killed not one, but two men.
How?
By sleeping with them.
Oh.
It's almost unbelievable.
It's like a house full of sluts.
Yes.
Well, except me.
Oh, is that something you might want to talk about?
I wish.
You wish you were a slut?
Oh, I wish I was getting any dick whatsoever.
Blanche and Rose. Are those your only roommates?
No.
Get this.
My mother moved into the house. Oh,
What?
My God. Oh God, you see her retirement home burned down.
It was a very nice retirement village.
Sha-
[halts]
Not sunny, evergreen trees.
Hm.
Yeah.
So she moved in with you after it burned down?
Oh, she did.
My mother's horrible.
She's the source of all of my problems, Doctor.
Well, that's one of my famous phrases.
"When in doubt, blame the mother."
Well, it's really accurate in this case.
But, Doctor, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
You know, the girls: Rose, Blanche; my mother, Sophia.
We may have our differences.
We may have our ups and downs,
but at the end of every episode,
we come together and find a common ground and realize we're
chosen family.
Did you say episode?
What?
At the end of every episode.
I'm not sure what you're talking about, Doctor.
I think that's a very interesting way to phrase it.
And something's been bothering me as you were talking about
your roommates and your life and
Not enough shoulder pads?
No, more than enough shoulder pads.
Very self-conscious.
Sasquatch chic.
You know, when you were talking about your life
and specifically your roommates,
there was something that I couldn't put my finger on,
but it seemed very familiar to me.
And then when you said episode,
it hit me like a ton of bricks.
There is a television program,
a beloved sitcom from the eighties,
about four older women who lived together in Miami.
I can't say the title for legal reasons,
but let's just call it
The Gilded Gals.
[bell dings]
I feel like you are the character Dorothy,
from that television show and the people you're describing
are characters from that show.
Doctor, you're absolutely right.
Oh, I can't believe it I've been so blind.
I just don't understand what's going on in your real life,
where being a 50-something year old unattractive, manly,
shoulder-padded, divorced substitute teacher
is better than being yourself.
Oh, I feel like such a fool.
You're trying to escape from your real life.
Yes. Yes.
You're right.
So I guess the question is,
are you ready to be your authentic self?
Yes. Yes I am.
Are you ready to be courageous and brave and not only pull
down this emotional wall that you're putting up,
but also pull off that wig?
That horrible wig and maybe pull off that hideous outfit and
those chunky eighties earrings.
All right. I get it.
All of it has to go.
Okay.
All right, here we go, Doctor.
I'm with you. You can do this.
I can't wait to meet the real you.
[wig flying]
[suspenseful music]
Hi, what's your name?
Hi.
My name is Carrie.
I'm a newspaper columnist from New York city and I love
hanging out with my close friends,
Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda. You see
[muted]
And just like that,
I helped get another person separate reality from fantasy.
[muted]
[upbeat jazz music]